


Storms

by antioedipus



Series: A Different World [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Love Triangles, Male-Female Friendship, Melodrama, Poor Life Choices, Rare Pairings, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:53:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 366,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25565419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antioedipus/pseuds/antioedipus
Summary: How it all went up in flames.“I woke up sad, and wanted to feel even sadder by listening to sad music, because you are you and I am me and I don’t know how we could ever be anyone else to each other.” Kurenai runs her pointer along his scar. Raidou closes his eyes. He has thought of this question a million times, but she phrased it with a clarity he has not yet attained."
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Yuuhi Kurenai, Hatake Kakashi/Uzuki Yuugao, Namiashi Raidou & Shiranui Genma, Namiashi Raidou/Uzuki Yuugao, Sarutobi Asuma/Yuuhi Kurenai, Shiranui Genma & Yuuhi Kurenai, Uzuki Yuugao & Yamato | Tenzou, Yuuhi Kurenai/Namiashi Raidou
Series: A Different World [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1895671
Comments: 269
Kudos: 30





	1. A Cloudless Sky

“Let me walk to the top of the big night sky”

Mitski “First Love/Late Spring”

Kurenai rolls her ankle. She stands by Asuma, waiting for Kakashi to come join them. She has some important documents to give them before their genin assignments. It is a simple pick up, but Asuma has a way of persuading her to spend time with him. He has always had a crush on her, and recently, she finds herself considering it. He has come into himself in recent years. He is more confident, like he doesn’t need to prove himself. It has made him infinitely more attractive.

She leans against a wall, holding the forms for Kakashi in her hands. Asuma leans over her, and she is looking up at him with a smile. She always liked the smell of tobacco.

“Are you looking forward to meeting Ino-Shika-Cho?” she asks. Asuma’s mouth twitches.

“I hope they get along,” he sighs, “I don’t know if I could deal with a bunch of kids fighting.” Kurenai smiles.

“We never fought.” She smiles at the thought of their team. Asuma frowns.

“That’s because you and Raidou would always gang up on me.” He turns away from her, so that they stand shoulder to shoulder, leaning on the wall.

“Raidou and I never ganged up on you,” she says, “we always worked together.” That’s how she remembers it. Asuma snorts.

“Sure,” he says. He can recall at least five times when Raidou and Kurenai picked on Asuma.

She turns to look up at him. Asuma looks like he is thinking. Raidou was right when he said that Asuma has a very clear thinking face. Maybe they were mean to him.

“I think my genin will get along,” she says, “I choose to believe that everyone values team work.” Asuma snorts.

“You’re an optimist.” He says, “it’s one of your more attractive qualities.”

“How many do I have?” she teases. Asuma freezes, his eyes boring into her.

“How many what?” he asks. She blinks.

“How many attractive qualities do I have?” she asks. She bites her lower lip, and Asuma leans forward, like he is going to list them all. She smiles. Normally, she wouldn’t give him the time of day, but Raidou is gone all the time and she feels herself getting lonelier with age. Thirty is still a few years away but it’s too close for comfort.

Asuma looks like he is about to say something, when they hear a loud grunt. Asuma turns around and Kurenai sees Kakashi standing there, disinterested as ever.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asks. Asuma opens his mouth, but Kurenai speaks first.

“He was going to tell me how many attractive qualities I have,” she says. Kakashi snorts.

“I can comfortably list five.” Kakashi replies. “How many were you going to list, Asuma?”

“Five is a good number,” Asuma replies, recovering faster than either expected. Kurenai smiles.

“Only five?” she asks. Kakashi eyes her for a second. It’s the look he uses when he is evaluating an opponent.

“You might have more, but I doubt you care about what the two of us think.” Kakashi shrugs, holding out his hand. “May I have the paperwork?”

She holds it out to him, and Kakashi takes it out of her hands. “Are you going to do your dumb test too?” she asks.

“Asuma has a test?” he asks.

“It’s a drill, really,” Asuma replies, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. Kurenai sighs.

“You know what I mean,” she says.

“The bell test isn’t stupid,” Kakashi replies, “it’s tradition _and_ an effective way of weeding out those who wouldn’t be good anyway.” Kurenai shrugs, not really interested in hearing anymore about a test that is set up to make genin fail.

While Asuma and Kakashi talk about their meeting with Genma later, she checks the time and frowns. Kurenai starts walking off, without bothering to say goodbye, before Kakashi calls out to her.

“No goodbye?” he asks. She turns around, apologetic.

“Sorry. Raidou is back today and I still haven’t showered.” She waves, “I’ll see you two around.”

With that, Kurenai heads back towards the barracks, and goes up to her room. She gives it a quick tidy before she goes into her bathroom and undresses, hopping into the shower before it warms up.

That is how much she misses Raidou.

**

Raidou steps out of the Hokage’s office after giving an oral report on his mission. He sighs, and sticks his hands into his pockets. He allows himself to slouch, and he tries not to think about how tired he is. He promised Kurenai that he would go to her place as soon as he was back in the village. He told her that he should at least shower, but she told him that she didn’t care, that she is just as attracted to him when he smells bad, maybe even more.

He can’t think of any other woman who has desired him more. There probably isn’t one in existence. Raidou heads down the stairs, when he sees a familiar face waiting for him. Genma’s arms are crossed, and he is smiling at Raidou, the senbon tucked into the corner of his mouth. He has had an oral fixation since he was a little kid. No one bothers to tease him about it anymore. It is just who he is.

“Genma,” Raidou says with a nod.

“When did you get back?” Genma asks, falling into step with Raidou. “Asuma and Kakashi and I are going to go meet up, you should come.”

“Can’t,” Raidou answers, looking straight ahead.

“What, do you have plans?” Genma pouts. Raidou sighs.

“Kurenai,” he says, “she booked me in advance.”

“She won’t notice a few hours,” Genma says.

“I gave her a time,” he says, “and it would be rude to ditch her.”

“What about me?” Genma replies, “I’m your best friend!” Raidou shrugs. He has gotten through the last two weeks by thinking about the smell of Kurenai’s conditioner and the way she croaks in the morning. He won’t admit it, but he is sure that he misses her more.

Raidou frowns. “I miss you a lot, but I miss her most,” he pauses, “it’s all relative.” Genma snorts.

“And she has sex with you,” he remarks. Raidou smiles.

“That too.” Raidou picks up his pace, and Genma shrugs, pulling away and shouting goodbye.

Raidou walks up to the barracks, and he takes the stairs two at a time. When he turns the handle on her door, he frowns. She left it unlocked.

**

Standing under the showerhead, Kurenai rinses out the last of the conditioner in her hair. Turning the water off, she steps out of the shower. She quickly grabs a towel, and after drying herself off and rubbing lotion into her skin, she leaves the bathroom. She heads over to her dresser, where a small vanity mirror hangs above her meagre collection of jewelry and skincare.

She takes a cotton pad, saturating it with rosewater toner. She looks into the mirror, not because she needs it to wipe a cotton pad across her face, but because she wants to look at the man on it.

Raidou is quiet, reading a scroll, propping himself up on his right elbow. Despite his serious appearance, with the scar across his nose and frown of concentration, she knows he wants to hear about her day. She had felt him come back while she was in the shower; a little trill flies up her spine when he returns to her.

Her mirror belonged to her grandmother. It is a small rectangle, with a simple black frame, sitting horizontally across the eggshell plaster. She has tucked an old photograph of her with her parents into the side of the frame, and one with her and Raidou sitting on the roof of his car. The last one was taken by Raidou’s brother, whose name neither has spoken since he passed. He didn’t yet have the scar across his nose, but his jaw is set in his particular scowl, and she is coltish, all legs and arms and red eyes. She smiles for the two of them. Her eyes flick back to the man on her bed.

He knows that she knows that he knows that she is looking at him, but he remains silent. Kurenai has known Raidou for a very long time. His father had trained in kenjutsu with her father, and the two of them had taught Raidou and his brother. She was assigned on a genin team with him and Asuma, and while she and Asuma were four years younger than Raidou, she bonded with the latter immediately.

They were in the same class because his parents decided to enrol their children later than other shinobi parents. He is a swordsman, like the rest of his family and his parents wanted to cultivate kenjutsu properly before sending him off to the academy. Both sets of parents are dead, and Raidou’s older brother followed them over the cliff awhile after. Raidou and Kurenai are the closest each one has to a family. She smiles at him in the mirror, and he looks up to meet her gaze.

His brother was right. Raidou is too focused and disciplined to remember to have fun without her.

She turns to the bed, and sits beside him, looking pointedly at Raidou. They haven’t yet said a word, even though they don’t have to speak in each other’s presence.

“Raidou.” His name is a smooth stone in her mouth. He has taken off the flak jacket; it hangs on the back of her door.

“Kurenai,” his voice rumbles.

“How have you been?” Kurenai smiles, and he looks down as he closes the scroll.

“Classified.” His mouth rarely moves from a straight line. It takes someone who knows him well, to know what each quirk or turn signifies. Classified is their code word for when Raidou has carried out an assassination. He never says it, but Kurenai knows he resents those missions. He once made a comment that only people who loathe killing can be assassins. They appreciate life enough to understand all the possibilities they are snuffing out. They are far less cruel than those who view killing to be a neutral action, like doing the laundry, and absolute saints compared to sadists who enjoy taking life.

It was his way of telling Kurenai that he is still a human being. She didn’t need to be told, but she knew he needed to say it. She leans forward as he puts the scroll on the bedside table.

“Hyuuga Hiashi gave his eldest, Hinata, over to me as a charge.” Raidou’s head tilts, and she bites her lip. Kurenai had watched the fight that had determined Hinata’s fate. “Hinata let her younger sister beat her.” Raidou mulls this over, while Kurenai pouts, leaning over to run a hand through his messy hair. He leans his head toward her hand, enjoying the feeling of her hands on his scalp.

“What is she like to work with?”

“She is quiet. She startles easily. She doesn’t want to put a foot out of place, but it’s out of fear more than anything.” To Kurenai’s knowledge, Hiashi never actually hit her, but someone had stomped that young girl’s spirit right down into the ground. Hinata doesn’t even defend herself. She simply surrenders to her opponent. It is heartbreaking, having to teach a child that they should want to live. Self-preservation should be instinct, not something that actually needs to be thought about. Raidou nods.

“The Hyuuga are harsh.” Kurenai clucks her tongue in response, and Raidou smiles. “Should I have used a different word?”

“Antiquated. Archaic. Backwards. Sadistic.” She spouts those off the cuff, and Raidou begins to sense that Kurenai was understating how bad the situation is.

“It’s hard, being raised by wolves.” He lies down, and inches the arm that supported him out towards her thigh. Kurenai turns into him, still fussing with his hair.

“I just don’t understand it. How could someone hurt their own child, their baby?” Raidou doesn’t respond to her question, because he kills people’s children. It is grim, but it is his specialty. She lets out a soft sigh. “Don’t they know that their clan is unsustainable? I mean, they all marry within the family. If they don’t change, they will die out.” Her hand now rests on his cheek, and her thumb runs over the scar across his face. He closes his eyes, and she looks at how his lashes flutter.

“At the end of the day, the Hyuuga are just a pack of wolves.” His eyes open, and he looks into her eyes, which most people think are red like blood but they make Raidou think of home. He sees the glimmer in her eyes, that lets him know that she about to slip into innuendo. His hand runs up her thigh, just to encourage her.

“At the end of the day, aren’t we all just animals?” Kurenai’s smirk lasts for a second, because Raidou moves with such speed and efficiency, that in a matter of seconds she is flipped on her back and her wet towel actually thumps against the window.

**

On the other side of the wall, Genma sits at his desk, looking through his drawers. He curses under his breath, while Kakashi leans on the door, reading _Icha Icha_. Opposite of the door, Asuma stands at the window, smoking. Guy’s birthday is a few months away, but pranks don’t plan themselves. What it will be, they haven’t figured out, but Genma is looking for his lucky notebook, apparently home to every plan and scheme he has ever had. It is an ill omen that he can’t find it, but Genma has stopped listening to them, so Kakashi and Asuma decide to just ride this one out.

They all hear a thump, accompanied by a giggle that neither Asuma or Kakashi knew Kurenai to be capable of. Genma pokes his head up from the drawer, with a grimace on his face.

“Are they going at it _again_?”

Genma’s eyes narrow, the way they do when he is sizing up an opponent. Kakashi and Asuma exchange looks, wondering if, perhaps, Genma has gone insane. Kakashi barely gets a _huh_ out when, upon hearing a creak from the other room, Genma stands up at full attention.

“Apparently,” he says simply two registers above a whisper, with a snarl laced through his voice, “Kurenai and Raidou are having a _reunion_!” Genma bangs on the wall three times, to effectively convey the mid-tempo KEEP IT DOWN.

He pouts at the wall, crossing his arms. Kakashi and Asuma look at each other again.

“Kurenai and Raidou?”

“Oh, like you two don’t _know_?” fuming at the wall, Genma starts looking at shelves above his desk.

**

Kurenai is going to wring Genma’s neck. She won’t kill him, but she will come close enough so that he won’t do that ever again. Raidou pulls back, looking at the wall. Kurenai had just snaked her hand down his trousers, but thanks to the idiot next door, Raidou is ignoring her.

“Should we stop?”

“We weren’t loud at all!” Kurenai glares at the wall. Raidou thinks it’s cute. He hovers above her, and plants a kiss on her temple, while she concentrates on the futile task melting the wall with her eyes alone.

“I’ll be here for a while”. She can feel his smile against her cheek, and she focuses on remaining irritated and vengeful. She thinks for a second, and then looks up at Raidou with a playful smile.

“You know what? I will give him a warning, but I think it could be fun to give him a show.” She kisses Raidou again, and while he cares about consent and appearances and being respectful, if they give Genma a warning their friend can’t say that he wasn’t given the chance to leave.

Raidou keeps kissing her, and he lets her push him up and over, so she is on top. Breathing hard, she looks down at him. Her lower lip is a little swollen, and she is flushed.

“You want to knock, or should I?” he puts both hands on her hips, smirking at her.

“You actually want to do it?” Kurenai is a little surprised, but it just makes her smile even wider.

“We’re just animals at the end of the day, aren’t we?” Raidou says, and Kurenai laughs when he makes three big, loud knocks on the wall. They don’t hear anything but a few scuffles and curses, and Kurenai grins in triumph. She is so distracted by her victory, that Raidou completely surprises her again, and he flips her back over. He takes his place between her thighs, his scruff rubbing against them, making her tingle all over. Before he starts, he looks up at her.

“What kind of ninja is taken off guard twice in a row?” Kurenai feels his hot breath against her, and she swallows.

“The kind who wants you to end it already.” Raidou grins at her morbid joke, but he still holds back. Kurenai whines and wiggles her hips, and Raidou gives her a meaningful look.

“So a show, huh?” Raidou winks, running a finger along her. When he leans forward and gets to the earnest and honest work, Kurenai makes sure to vocalize her appreciation, just for Genma.

**

The three knocks are so strong that two books fall off of Genma’s shelf, and if he were a slower man, would have fallen right on his forehead. He looks at the books on the ground, while Asuma and Kakashi stare at the wall.

“I always thought Kurenai had spunk,” in a lazy voice, Kakashi puts his book back in his pocket.

“She can be downright evil sometimes.” Genma picks up the books from the floor and puts them back on the shelf. “She and Raidou are fucking awful when they get like this.”

“Kurenai? Raidou? Awful?” Asuma, clearly not believing it, puts a hand on his hip.

“You were on their squad!” Genma’s squawk is sharp and indignant, as he looks under his bed for the notebook. His pace has quickened, and as Kakashi looks back at the wall, he suspects it is because Kurenai and Raidou are about to demonstrate something right out of _Icha Icha_.

Kakashi looks back at Asuma, who looks put out. Kakashi is passive, but he isn’t blind to how Asuma feels about Kurenai. They have been in meetings together, leading up to the new genin team assignments, and he sees the way Asuma looks at Kurenai. Beneath a veneer of indifference, Asuma is withdrawn. Genma, with his entire head under the bed and aware of whatever will be coming from the other room, is oblivious to how Asuma feels.

“So, are they a couple?” Asuma glares but Kakashi shrugs. _Someone should ask_. Genma, emerging from beneath the bed and lunging towards his laundry pile, snorts.

“No, they are not a couple.” He is now throwing laundry around, and Asuma, dodging several dirty items, walks over to Kakashi’s side.

“So…” the question is so obvious, Genma actually looks at Kakashi like he was dropped on his head.

“Look, they aren’t a couple. You know how it is with the two of them. It is better than staring at a wall. Whatever, I don’t know why I am explaining this to you two. They have been doing this thing for years.” Genma looks down into the basket, moving a few shirts over. “This is just one manifestation of their twisted bond. Torturing me is a bonus.”

Minutes pass, and Genma goes quiet and alert, like a gun dog, suggesting he has just remembered where he placed his lucky notebook. He looks over to bedside table and dives to the floor, putting his hand on the underside of the table. He curses to himself, and Kakashi and Asuma once again exchange looks, when they hear an unmistakable keening from the wall.

“They are goddamn animals! Kakashi, go bang on the wall!” Genma is pointing with his right hand to the wall, while his left searches for the notebook. His stomach is on the floor, and to be honest, he resembles a flopping fish. Neither man has ever seen their normally cool colleague look so frustrated before, and if it weren’t Kurenai and Raidou, they would probably be making fun of him.

“Won’t you be encouraging her to be louder?” Kakashi asks, but he obeys. His four knocks are answered with a unmistakable moan.

“They have a lot of nerve,” Genma continues to mutter to himself. After a few seconds, he pulls out his notebook, dusty, but well-used.

Genma, victorious, jumps up.

“C’mon, let’s go. They are only going to get worse.”

“It doesn’t seem too bad. Are you sure you haven’t just been imagining things?” Kakashi asks, putting his hands into his pockets. Genma waves his hand dismissively, picking up his flak jacket.

“Oh, trust me. The beast with two backs is on the other side of that wall, and you two don’t want to be here when it really starts howling.” Ushering his friends to and out the door, Genma locks it from the inside.

"Genma, I didn’t know you read Shakespeare,” accompanying his usual, mocking drawl, Kakashi winks. Genma glares, again.

“Unlike you, I read actual books, not those rags you drag around with you.” Kakashi puts two hands over his heart as if he were wounded, mocking Genma. The latter gives the masked man the middle finger, and Kakashi suppresses what would have been an unbecoming snort of laughter.

“I can’t believe Kurenai and Raidou chased us out of your place.” Asuma, who has been silent, speaks up.

“One excels at mind games and the other is an assassin. They are really something else.” Genma walks ahead, and the two men have no choice but to follow. Kakashi looks at Asuma with concern, but the other man just stares ahead. _That had to hurt_.

**

Kurenai is still climbing towards the peak when she hears the door open, and multiple footsteps come out and walk down the hallway. A few minutes later, after jumping from the summit, she looks down at Raidou, who had crawled up her body. She is trying to catch her breath, so the smirk comes with an exhale. Raidou, head on her stomach, presses his face into the top of her abdomen. His upper body forms a protective cage around her. Her hands come up to trace circles onto his shoulder blades.

“We had an audience.” She chuckles, loving the feeling of his scruff.

“ _Fuck_ , Kurenai,” he rumbles, quietly.

“We should put on some music, like we used to.” Raidou, raises his head, confusion on his face.

“When did we ever do that?”

“All those times in the back of your brother’s car.” She is, of course, referring to when they used to drive out into the forest to get away from the village, back when they had wanted to hide the extent of their relationship. Raidou, setting his chin onto her sternum, makes a dramatic pout.

“Do we have to?”

“The more I think about it, the more it becomes a necessity.” She pushes him up and off her, walking over towards her stereo. Raidou looks down the long line of her back, admiring the way her muscles move under her skin. She doesn’t need to look for the CD. The one she wants is already in the player. She turns it on, and a guitar and twinkle come on. Kurenai turns back to look at Raidou, with a small smile. He rolls his eyes.

“Love Will Tear Us Apart? Are you trying to curse us on _purpose_?”

“Joy Division is our band!” She means to sound indignant, but it is impossible to stay mad at Raidou.

“I can name at least five other bands we have listened to just as extensively.” He stands up, walking towards her stereo. He has the efficient, controlled gait of a swordsman. His hips and shoulders almost always remain perfectly parallel to the ground.

“But this is the one always playing when, you know,” she bobs her head to the side, and he immediately picks up her meaning.

“When we have sex in my brother’s car?” he raises an eyebrow. The vehicle is actually in his possession, but it will always be his brother’s car. She nods her head, leaning towards him. He turns his head away, and she wonders if perhaps she has invoked his brother too many times.

To her eternal relief, he is just skipping through the tracks. A familiar haunting drum beat picks up, and he looks back at her. _Don’t walk away_.

“This is the song I remember.” His voice is soft, and his mouth is tense, waiting for her response. Kurenai tilts her head, smiling at him. She takes his hand, pulling him back to her bed. _Don’t walk away_. It is more fitting than her previous choice.

“This has more ambiance,” stepping towards her, he wraps his arms around her, nuzzling her neck as she continues to walk backwards.

“The back of that car has ambiance too.” She kisses his ear, and he laughs as they fall onto the bed.

“The song is called “Atmosphere”, after all.” He kisses the side of her neck, and she whines, wanting to go faster, making him grin. “You should work on your patience.”

“I am patient!” It’s indignant, but he kisses her throat, and the crystalline tingle of the song gently washes over them.

“You are the one who chose a bad song.”

“It wasn’t bad at all.”

“It was one thing to listen to it in the back of the car when we were in our early twenties. But now, it feels like we would be inviting the evil in.” He is looking at her, and the planes of her beautiful face, unmarred, which are unlike his own. She looks at him, running the pad of her pointer finger across the bridge of his nose. He took a hit to the face when she was eleven and he was fifteen. The face has a lot of blood vessels in a small area of the body, so blood was everywhere. Somehow, when it was stitched up, it looked even more like his face, like it needed the scar to look like the way it was supposed to. The scar reminds her of the crooked smile Raidou refuses to wear in public. For Kurenai, it softens him.

“You sound so old, and you are barely in your thirties.” They both giggle, and Raidou puts his forehead against Kurenai’s own.

“More ancient than the Hyuuga, by the standards of our job.” They exchange a few breaths, as if doing so would force linear time to clear out. _Don’t walk away_. Raidou put it on repeat. It’s a haunting line, released the same year of the lead singer’s suicide at age, _what was it_ , twenty-three?

“You better not die.”

“I don’t want either of us to die, Kurenai.” They are quiet, in the way they usually are at three in the morning instead of two in the afternoon. But, they both know that death doesn’t need an invitation. It just merely follows the orders of time.

“This song was a good choice,” clearing her throat, she looks deep into his eyes. Raidou smiles.

“That is because it isn’t a curse.”

“But it still sounds like magic.” She hitches up her right leg to his waist, and kisses his forehead. The back of her right heel bumps the small of his back. He soon reciprocates, and the memories of the cramped car, the near misses and the bodies of the dead all fall away, creating a pocket only big enough for the two of them. They know they aren’t the only two people left alive, but it is nearly impossible to remember the world beyond a collection of shadows and shades from another lifetime.

**

Raidou is the kind of person who always looks intense, even when doing menial tasks. He always has a scowl on his face at the grocery store, a searching look in his eyes that makes it look like he is on a mission rather than buying food for the week. Kurenai follows him, grateful when he stops in the cereal aisle.

“I am off for three days, starting tomorrow,” he says, “I will probably be sent back out as soon as I am back at work.” He sighs to himself. “No one ever sells anything small enough for a person living alone.” Raidou is not wasteful, but he prefers to eat at home and that often means buying more food than he can actually finish.

“Just give it to me before you go.” Kurenai shrugs, “I always leave the door unlocked. I don’t even need to be there.” She looks at all the different kinds of cereal as he rolls his eyes.

“You still don’t lock your door?” he asks.

“You still care?” she replies, her voice calm and even.

“I can’t believe you,” he says in a huffy voice. He is clearly annoyed.

“This is Konoha, what is the worst that could happen?” she asks. Raidou blinks at her, incredulous.

“Are you for real, Kurenai?” he opens his mouth to continue, but he is cut off by Genma, who sneaks up behind him. Raidou jumps, and Kurenai snorts.

“Howdy,” Genma drawls.

“Hi Genma,” Kurenai smiles. Raidou, cut off before he could rant, frowns. “What are you doing here?”

“Thinking about the meaning of life,” Genma replies. Raidou sighs.

“Did you know Kurenai still doesn’t lock her door?” Raidou says. Genma rolls his eyes.

“Not this again.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Raidou snaps.

“You two fighting over this is almost as bad as all the times I have heard you two have sex.” Genma chews the senbon in his mouth.

“We’re not loud,” Kurenai says. Genma scoffs.

“That’s something other people decide, and you two are obnoxious.” Genma grabs a box of cereal and puts it in his basket.

“You’re so rude,” Kurenai sighs.

“Well, you’re ugly,” Genma snaps back, “so ugly, I have no clue why Raidou thinks anyone would break into your room in the barracks.” Kurenai laughs.

“I am not ugly,” she says. Far from it, and she knows it. Granted, Genma is the only man who won’t let her throw her beauty around. Raidou doesn’t really either, but that’s because she has always been infatuated with him. He has never had to work for her attention.

“Actually,” Genma says, “you are the ugliest girl I have ever met.” He walks away with a wave, as Kurenai bends over laughing. Raidou sighs.

“He is mad that I went to see you first when I got back,” Raidou says, “you two need to stop competing for my attention. I have room for both of you in my life.”

“It’s not my fault that I’m prettier than him,” Kurenai snorts, latching onto Raidou’s arm as he rolls his eyes and tries to pull away.

“Kure- _nai_ ,” he whines. She grins and clutches his arm tighter.

Not to be outdone, Raidou drops his basket to the floor. In a smooth arc, his empty hand takes her cheek and he kisses Kurenai, with tongue. She is so surprised that she relaxes, and it takes her a second to realize that he has already pulled away and is walking down the aisle, waving at her and holding his basket.

**

Raidou takes a piece of Kurenai’s waffle as she gazes off into space. He has a sweet tooth that he usually refuses to indulge, except when there is food on her plate that he can easily swipe. He chews loudly. She slathers her waffles in butter and syrup, just the way he likes. Kurenai is still distracted, and Raidou wonders where all the butter and syrup go when she eats them.

“Kurenai,” Raidou says. She blinks, looking at him until he comes into focus.

“What?” she replies.

“You were looking off into space,” he says. Kurenai tilts her head.

“Observant,” she smiles. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Tell me more about your genin team,” he says. They have received their assignments, but they won’t meet their teams until next week.

“Well, I have Hinata,” she replies, “and Shino and Kiba.”

“Last names would be helpful,” Raidou swallows, and picks up some egg.

“Aburame and Inuzuka.” She says, “we are a tracking team.” Raidou nods.

“Sensible,” he says. “You are becoming more practical with age, Kurenai.” Raidou feels guilty for how he always leaves her behind. He is over thirty, and she is close. He can sense a change happening between them. He doesn’t know what it is, exactly, but he feels her moving away from him. It makes him feel a little anxious.

Kurenai shrugs, poking at a waffle. “We’re adults, Raidou.”

“Your father would be proud.” Raidou replies, sipping his coffee. Kurenai shrugs.

“One of us has to be a real adult.” She replies.

“A real adult, huh?” Raidou asks.

“So real that Asuma is going to ask me out on a _real_ date,” Kurenai sips her own coffee. “I can tell.” Raidou snorts.

“A real date,” he says, “as opposed to what?”

“Raidou,” she sighs. He smirks.

“A date like a day in the calendar year?” he smiles, “or a date like the dried fruit?”

“A date like we will be seen in public together and he will pay. Maybe a movie.” She puts a piece of bacon in her mouth.

“He is that basic,” Raidou comments. Kurenai frowns.

“You’re so mean to him,” she replies, “I think you’re jealous.” Raidou rolls his eyes, and decides to ignore her last comment.

“Fine. _How_ do you know he will finally do it?” he asks, “he has had a crush on you since we were kids.” Kurenai nods.

“He has grown up.” He isn’t the little boy who was always trying to get her attention anymore. Kurenai would even call him a man. Raidou smirks.

“Well, do you want him to ask you out on a date?” he asks. Kurenai isn’t completely immune to him, so he can still fluster her with a look. She turns pink.

“I think I would like to explore the possibility,” she replies. Raidou nods.

“The possibility of what?” he asks, “You and Asuma getting a mortgage and having a few babies?” Kurenai narrows her eyes.

“It’s not like that,” she hisses. He laughs.

“Than what is it supposed to be like?”

“I’m curious,” she says, “sexually.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Like, you want to try something or _someone_ new?” he asks. Kurenai pouts.

“The latter,” she replies. He blinks.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Fill your boots,” he says. Kurenai tilts her head.

“That’s your response?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“You’re not my girlfriend, I don’t own you.” He pokes at his breakfast. “I’m not around all the time. Go ahead and do what you want.”

“Do what I want?” she asks.

“It’s your life,” he says, sticking a piece of bacon in his mouth. Kurenai puffs her cheeks.

“That’s all you have to say,” she states, rather than asks. Raidou nods.

That is all he ever has to say.

**

After they paid for breakfast, Raidou took Kurenai’s hand, and rubbed his thumb in a circle on the inside of her wrist. She looks up at the side of his face as he leads her to the barracks, and her tummy does a flip. Raidou is a man of action; decisive, reactive. He knows what he wants and gets it. When he wants her, all he has to do is touch the inside of her wrist and she melts.

As they get to the barracks, they see Asuma and Kakashi follow Genma into the building. Knowing they were probably going to Genma’s room, Raidou says they will go to his. He doesn’t want to waste their time together.

It is his room, but she pulls him down the hall, turning back to him and smiling. When they finally get to his door, she wraps her arms around his waist while he fiddles with the lock.

“This is why I don’t lock my door,” she says into his neck. He rolls his eyes.

“You should lock your door,” he replies, finally pushing the door open. She kisses his neck, before they fly into his room.

She wants him to give it to her hard. It’s why she told him about Asuma. She wants to see who Raidou is when provoked. She refuses to believe that he isn’t even a little jealous. Raidou’s arms are around her waist, and their kisses are messy and open mouthed. “I miss you,” she says into his mouth, “all the time when you aren’t here.” Raidou smiles. It’s the same for him too.

So he kisses her like he means it, a hand on her cheek as they stumble back onto his bed. Raidou slips his hand under her dress, a palm on her stomach. Kurenai sits up and pulls it off, and suddenly, she is exposed to him. Raidou watches her stand and strip off her underwear, holding eye contact the whole time. Raidou sits up and takes his shirt off, and he stands up to takes his pants off, watching her get back on the bed.

In a lot of ways, Kurenai teases Raidou. But when it comes to sex, she submits absolutely and completely. She folds at the waist, her back to the sky and her face in the comforter. Raidou tilts his head, looking at her. It surprises him that she always assumes the position so quickly.

He comes up behind her, and puts his fingers against her. It feels different from this angle, and it makes something twinge in his wrist, but he touches her all the same. “Is this okay?” he asks. Kurenai raises herself on her arms, turning back to look at him. Her stare is dark, heavier than his own.

“It’s not remotely enough,” she says. It will never be enough. He could fuck her forever, and she still wouldn’t feel like she has had enough of him. She bites her lip, and he smiles.

“You can’t get enough,” he increases the pressure and speed, and decides to use both hands. “I wanted to know if you wanted me to finger you.” Kurenai puffs her cheeks. She wants to be mad, she really does.

But, like a fool, she leans back into his hands and narrows her eyes at him. He laughs, and she pouts as best she can, given the circumstances.

“What?” she asks. Raidou grins.

“It’s funny,” he says, moving in a way they both know she likes, “watching you trying to be mad at me.” Kurenai opens her mouth to complain, but a moan comes out. Embarrassed, she buries her face in his bedding, and Raidou laughs to himself.

She continues to make her little noises, the kind that only she makes and at times sound like the broken syllables of his name. It makes him feel powerful, like a man, to know that he can do this to her. She grabs the comforter with her fists and pushes against him, like she wants him to bury both hands in her. Raidou bites his lower lip. Touching Kurenai is almost as gratifying as touching himself.

Kurenai closes her eyes. She clenches her jaw, to the point where she wonders if her teeth will break from the pressure. The things he makes her feel, the way her body reacts to him; it all builds inside her. He isn’t even properly inside her, and she is already looking for release. It’s not fair that he does this to her. He always finds a new way to make the same feeling all brand new, as if she had never felt it before. Like he is increasing her threshold for pleasure. _No one could compare_ , she thinks, _he is going to make me admit it_. It feels so good that she wants to declare it. He doesn’t even need to ask.

Her body is tight and clenched, and Raidou considers saying something, or withdrawing. He sometimes likes to work her up to the bare point of orgasm, and then pull away. He always finishes the job, but in those few seconds of his absence, her body tries to return to normal, only to roar back when he comes to finish her. She screamed so loud once that Genma actually thought something was wrong, and knocked on the door when she was in the middle of riding it out. He ended up walking into her unlocked room, and was immediately greeted by the sight of Kurenai on Raidou. Genma swore and said that was the last time he would ever help her. _Are you two still going at it?_ He squawked indignantly, before leaving. He had the decency to lock the door from the inside.

Genma didn’t talk to them for a week, but it had been worth it when Kurenai panted that she loved Raidou, her nipple in his mouth and her body all around him. Raidou sighs at the memory, cheeks red and blood hot. Or is it cheeks hot and blood red? It is both.

He doesn’t pull back today. Raidou leans forward and gives it to her. They both know he didn’t have to. But he had been away for so long this time, and it has been too long since she tossed her head back and said his name on a moan. It makes his tummy tight, to hear her say his name this way. He gives her more, and the circuit is overwhelmed. She grabs the comforter even tighter and tries to be quiet, even though Genma is far away and he knows what her sex scream sounds like, so he won’t come running.

But maybe she will let the whole building know. That is how good this feels. She knows how some of the men around here look at her. They want to know what she sounds like. Why not give them a taste?

“Don’t scream,” Raidou says, reading her mind.

“Why not?” she pants.

“I’ll stop,” he replies. He pins her with a look, the kind that makes her wet and Kurenai bites her lip.

“No you won’t. You can’t resist me the way I can’t resist you,” she says breathily. He presses his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

“Try me.” He moves his hands and she chases them. He smirks, knowing he has won. She sort of purrs, arching her back. She still isn’t done, so she turns her head back to taunt him once more.

“Are you still okay with me filling my boots?” she asks tartly. Raidou goes harder, and she gasps, not ready. He gets as close to her face as he can, snarling.

“Do you still want to fill them?” he asks. Kurenai almost whimpers and shakes her head. But she remembers who she is in time, and holds his gaze.

Her mouth is red, and she blinks lazily, holding her moans inside. Raidou, frustrated, tries a new angle, and she blinks at him. She moves her mouth, testing her jaw to make sure it still works. Can someone be fingered into lockjaw? Her mouth hangs open, and she lets out a moan. Raidou awaits her answer, watching her mouth. His stare is dark, and she wonders if he knows that he can gut her with a look. Specifically, that she feels that look of his in her guts.

“Fill them for me,” she replies, “fuck me so hard that I don’t think about anyone else. I want to feel like you are the only real man alive.” Kurenai bites her lip and groans again when Raidou gives her what she wants.

“The only real man, huh?” he replies. She nods her head, sinking her top teeth into her lower lip. Her back arches, and Raidou, tired of talking, puts his face into her back and closes his eyes and he feels her body with his hands.

The dam breaks when he slides in while rubbing a circle on the softest part of Kurenai. She muffles her scream by pressing her face into his bed. As she rides it out, he kisses her back. When he pulls back, he puts a palm on her back and rubs her with the heel of his hand. She raises her head, tucking her hair behind her ears. She presses her mouth in a line, rubbing her lips together.

“Am I the only real man alive?” he asks. She sighs.

“It’s looking that way,” she replies, “but I need more to evaluate.” Raidou rolls his eyes, and when he finds her, she sighs and puts her forehead back down to the bed. He bites back his own moan. If he is the only real man, she is the only real woman.

They immediately move together as one. He tugs on her hair and she looks back up at him, and he knows that she is letting him pin her down. She likes it when he does her like this—how can she think of anyone else, when her hair is in his fist?

Raidou finds it easier to breathe inside of her. He can’t explain it. It’s like he doesn’t realize how tight he is until she gives him a place to soften. His fingers dig into her hip and he closes his eyes, just enjoying her, before she makes her demands for more.

Kurenai wonders if she ought to let him break her. It would probably feel really good. She turns her head and looks at his serene expression. She grins, thinking about how she is going to ruin it.

“Raidou,” she pants. He _hmmmms_ in response, not opening his eyes. “I want you to break me.” He sighs.

“You are so bossy.” He picks up the pace, and she smiles. Raidou is _obliging_. It is his fatal flaw, his Achilles’ heel. “What part of you do you want broken?” Kurenai hums, thinking of an answer.

“Ruin other men for me.” She smirks.

“You need to stop talking about other people,” he growls. She is doing this because he was so nonchalant earlier.

“Make me.” She says, gasping when he hits her hard.

Kurenai wants it rough, so he gives her what she wants. Hard, pointed and certain. He is convinced that he must be hurting her, because it sort of hurts him too, but he is proven wrong when she rests her forehead on one arm while snaking the other between her legs. Raidou isn’t satisfied with his own performance, and he won’t be until she is screaming his name. It’s pathetic, how they reduce each other to the basest versions of themselves. She was right; they can’t resist each other.

When he finally breaks on through to the other side, and he hears her gasp out his name with _please_ and _more_ , he leans in and goes for it. He can’t imagine how any of this is pleasurable for her, but her body offers no resistance, and welcomes him in, and when he says her name she turns back to look at him. He sees it all in her face: pain, pleasure and adoration. They can’t kiss so they stare into each other's eyes until they can’t, and like lightning, in one bolt they crack.

She bites the comforter while he swears loudly. He catches himself before he falls over her, rolling onto his side. Kurenai rolls over, her back pressed to his side. She feels sticky, but she doesn’t want to clean herself up yet. Raidou sits up on elbows, shifting over so she can lie on her back. She looks up at him as he wordlessly settles back down next to her. She rolls over onto her side, her face on his chest. She opens her mouth to speak, when they hear a knock and Genma’s voice. _Raidou, open the goddamn door!_ Kurenai stuffs her face into his armpit and giggles, tickling Raidou, who is trying hard not to laugh.

“I’m busy!” Raidou calls. Genma groans.

“Is Kurenai in there?” he asks. She giggles loudly, and Raidou stuffs her face into his armpit to muffle the noise.

“No.” Raidou fails to hide his snicker. Genma stamps his foot, and Raidou bites his lip and looks up at the ceiling so he doesn’t laugh. Kurenai starts laughing audibly, and Raidou doesn’t even try to cover her mouth.

“You are lying,” Genma shouts, “and you aren’t even trying to hide it!”

“Why do you think I’m lying?” Raidou shouts back, “did you ever consider my perspective?” Genma knocks again, just to annoy Raidou. He groans and gets up, stepping into his underwear while Kurenai cackles, clutching her stomach as Genma’s knocks come louder and faster.

“Kakashi, Asuma and I are here, trying to come up with ideas to prank Guy,” Genma prattles, “and we want your help.” Raidou steps into his pants, rolling his eyes.

“Did none of you consider that I’m too old for this shit?” he groans, zipping up his pants while walking to the door. Kurenai sits up, naked and cross-legged on his bed. He motions for her to close her legs before he opens the door, and she winks at him when she does it. He watches her, and for a few seconds, considers the possibility of just ignoring Genma and making Kurenai scream again.

“So you are too old to prank Guy but not too old to give it to Kurenai?” Genma asks. She giggles at the noise Raidou makes. He opens the door. The three of them only see Kurenai’s legs before Raidou closes the door behind him.

He is shirtless, and his arms are crossed. He has four years on Genma and Asuma, and six on Kakashi. It has been awhile since they have felt the age difference.

“Are you three going to go away?” Raidou asks.

“Nope,” Genma says, cutting off Asuma and Kakashi, who both look ready to leave. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” he asks.

“C’mon,” Genma whines, “let us in and brainstorm! Kurenai doesn’t care if we see her naked.” Genma is immune to her, and he figures that it is time that Kakashi and Asuma grew up and got over it.

“I care,” Raidou says. Genma ignores him.

“Kurenai,” he calls, “do you care if Kakashi, Asuma and I see you naked?” Raidou looks deeply unimpressed.

“Not really,” she answers. Kakashi and Asuma exchange awkward glances while Genma crows in victory. He reaches for the door handle, when Raidou moves to block him.

“It’s just me and these two fucks, and she only looks at you anyway.” Genma says. Raidou frowns.

“It’s still a no.” He says, “I have three days off, and I am not going to spend them finding new ways to torment Guy. Have fun you three.” Raidou opens his door and slips in, locking the door behind him. Genma stomps away, and Kakashi and Asuma presumably follow.

Raidou sighs, and looks at Kurenai. “You didn’t actually want them to see you naked, right?” he asks. Kurenai shrugs.

“I just don’t care.” She replies, standing up to walk towards Raidou. “It’s hot when you’re authoritative.” Raidou snorts.

“I’m lazy and old.” He replies dryly. Kurenai swings her hips, and he watches her.

“I want to return the favor,” she says quietly.

“What favor?” he asks. Before him, she sinks to her knees. He grits his teeth, feeling himself hardening. She looks up at him with her molten eyes, and he bites his lip.

“I want to ruin other women for you,” she says quietly, unzipping his pants.

“You already have,” he says softly. Kurenai grins.

“Let me make sure.” She replies.

When her mouth is around him, Raidou closes his eyes and thinks about how right it all feels. He wants her as much as she wants him. It’s just the truth, when their mouths and hands and bodies are on each other.


	2. The Last Clear Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kindling.

“Blue as the sky above the lake”

Maggie Rogers, “Color Song”

She wonders if Raidou will regret telling her to go live her life. Kurenai is sipping coffee, watching Asuma go through his files, muttering under his breath. She bought him and Kakashi each a coffee, because today is the day that they are going to meet their genin teams. _The big day_ , Raidou had muttered into her neck.

He hasn’t been sent on any big missions, a pleasant surprise. She has woken up next to him every day for the past week. It’s refreshing, but she always reminds herself that it won’t be this way for long. He is always leaving, and Raidou has said it many times before: he can’t commit. He won’t sleep with anyone else, and he will stay in Kurenai’s bed every night he is in the village, but he isn’t boyfriend material.

Kakashi and Kurenai watch Asuma look at the documents about his team, something he should have done yesterday, but oh well, here they are. Asuma was never an avid reader.

“Are either of you excited?” she asks. Kakashi shrugs.

“Sure,” Asuma grumbles. Kurenai frowns.

“The two of you need to get out more,” she says, “meeting new people is fun.”

“They’re genin, not people,” Asuma deadpans, and Kakashi snorts. “And they aren’t the kind of new people I want to meet.” He tucks a cigarette behind his ear as he finds the document he was looking for.

“What kind of people are you hoping to meet, Asuma?” she smirks. Kakashi nudges her with his elbow, a warning gesture.

“The same kind Kakashi is hoping to meet,” Asuma doesn’t bat an eye. He isn’t fourteen anymore. She doesn’t melt his brain like she used to.

He knows her well enough to know that any interest in him is most likely passing. Raidou probably wasn’t paying as much attention to her as she would like. Asuma has a really bad, soul level draw to her, but he is old enough to know better than to believe that suddenly, after all these years, she has just noticed that he is a man. Whenever she pays him attention, it is when Raidou is conveniently away. She has never given him the time of day, and there is no reason for that to change.

“Kakashi, who are you and Asuma trying to meet?” she asks, batting her eyelashes to show that this is all a joke. Kakashi rolls his eyes.

“Women who don’t bait men.” He drawls, “so, no one like you.” Kurenai snorts.

“There is no other woman like me.” She says. Asuma laughs.

“You’re playing ‘I’m not like other girls’ this early?” he leans back, “does that really work on Raidou?” Asuma has a crush on Kurenai, but that doesn’t mean that he is blind to her faults. The rest of her simply outweighs them.

She bites her thumbnail, trying to think of how Raidou would respond. “Genma would have told me to go fuck myself,” she says, “Raidou would probably have agreed. I’m special to him.” Becoming his most beloved person is, on some days, her greatest achievement. She knows that is a sad thing to think, but it’s true. 

She checks the time and says that if they don’t hurry up, they will all be late. Asuma and Kakashi blink, but they follow her when she huffs and walks off.

**

Raidou lies on Kurenai’s bed, watching Genma pace up and down the room. Apparently, Anko didn’t call when she said she would, and because Raidou is the only one privy to Genma’s innermost thoughts, he is the one who gets to watch Genma freak out.

“She probably just forgot.” Raidou says.

“So I’m forgettable?” Genma frets, walking over to the kitchenette. He pours himself a glass of water while Raidou turns to look up at the ceiling.

“I think Asuma and Kurenai are going to go on a date.” Raidou says. The mystery of how this really feels to him remains unsolved. Genma turns off the sink and gives him a weird look.

“She is going to give him the time of day?” he asks. Raidou shrugs.

“Apparently,” he replies. “She gets bored when I’m gone.” It makes him feel guilty, that he can’t give her what she needs.

“Wow,” Genma says, “you and Kurenai really are assholes to Asuma. He is someone she talks to because she is bored? You know he always has girls following him around.” It’s true. Asuma is regarded as a _catch_. Shizune told Raidou once when she was drunk, before she puked on his feet.

“I think she wants something serious,” Raidou says, “and he would be serious about her.”

“I would be too, if the girl I had spent years pining over suddenly decided to pay attention to me.” Genma sips his water and walks over to Kurenai’s chair. He throws the bra she left hanging over the back at Raidou, who catches it.

He sits up on the bed, crossing his legs. “I always figured she would move on.”

“I didn’t,” Genma replies, “she has been obsessed with you since forever. She followed you _everywhere_. Remember when she dumped lemonade on your head when she found out you were dating that girl in the village?” he laughs at the memory. Imagine: Raidou, eighteen years old with his mouth hanging open, stunned because Little Kurenai dumped an entire pitcher of lemonade on his head. She and Genma had been fourteen at the time, so Raidou wasn’t close to noticing her that way, but it had been hilarious to watch him get up and run after a pissed off Kurenai to figure out why she was really mad at him.

Genma had cackled while the rest of their class watched Raidou argue with Kurenai, since he had no idea why she would care about his girlfriend. Kurenai actually shoved him into the canal that runs through the village. She stomped off before he got out, and Raidou ended up having to chase her all the way home. They always put on a show.

Raidou frowns at that memory. “She was a kid.” It also wasn’t his fault that he didn’t think of her like that.

“I don’t care what you say,” Genma says, “Kurenai will never let you really move on.” He leans back in the chair, stretching out his legs.

“I think you overestimate how much she likes me.” Raidou replies.

“Nope, I am confident that I have a better grasp then you,” he says, “I have watched you two circle each other for years.”

“Whatever.”

“So you are really okay with her and Asuma getting together?” Genma asks. Raidou blinks.

“She isn’t my girlfriend.”

“That is such bullshit,” Genma snorts, “you stay with each other every night you are in the village. You only have sex with each other. You only _look_ at each other. You argue over the pettiest things. I think this is all a bid to get your attention.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“She has my attention.” For the past nine years.

“But she wants you to commit,” Genma says, “she dated other guys when we were teenagers, but she only ever wanted you. Aren’t you each other’s emergency contact?”

“She and I are family,” Raidou says.

“Where I come from, family members don’t fuck,” Genma shrugs, “but what do I know?” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“You know what I mean,” he says.

“No, I really don’t,” Genma replies.

“We are all the other has left. We are always going to love each other. But I am not going to be her boyfriend.” Raidou frowns, “I would rather talk about something else.”

Genma shrugs in response, and chews on the senbon in his mouth. “Want to go get lunch?” he asks. Raidou nods, and makes sure to lock Kurenai’s door from the inside on his way out.

**

Kurenai always looks forward to meeting her genin. Like her father before her, she believes it is her duty to pass on the Will of Fire. Her three students are sitting beside each other, looking at her. Hinata is on the left, fidgeting and looking down at the ground. In the middle, Shino, who, like Kakashi, keeps his face covered, is looking at her with interest. Kiba, well, he is sprawled on the bench by Shino. His hound, Akamaru, sits on his head, and the boy and dog share the same goofy smile.

They have all just finished their first drill. Like Kakashi and Asuma, Kurenai believes in evaluating her students’ ability to work in a team before deciding how they ought to be trained. Unlike them, she never expects teamwork to be the problem. Luckily, these three understand and respect the importance of working in a collective. Hinata has her clan, and well, say what you will, the Hyuuga taught her the importance of working for the collective. Shino and his insects depend on each other like Kiba and Akamaru. While there were some fumbles in the drill, she hadn’t needed to even say that they were all expected to work with each other.

She merely asked them to disarm her. Kurenai, unlike Asuma and Kakashi, isn’t going to actually resist her students. She simply wants to see how they work together. She pointed to each of the three weapons she kept on her person; all they had to do was separate her from them. Immediately, Hinata and Kiba went to Shino, and they planned a strategy. Shino would send his bugs in first to see if there were any surprises. They all agreed that Shino would aim for the kunai in her hand, Kiba would get the one at her waist, and Hinata would go for the one on her ankle.

Shino’s insects and Hinata moved in first. Kurenai isn’t afraid of bugs, but she doesn’t like them either. She leans away, and while she holds onto her weapon, Hinata is able to snatch the kunai from her ankle, and even, to the surprise of everyone, took the opportunity to hit Kurenai’s wrist with enough strength to knock the second from her grasp and take it with her. As Hinata scrambles away, Shino keeps his bugs on Kurenai, and Kiba moves in, successfully grabbing the kunai from her waist.

All in all, Kurenai is pleasantly surprised by her team. She thinks they will all be excellent ninja.

When they are done, Hinata decides to stay behind and talk to Kurenai. The jounin knows that the girl lingers because she doesn’t want to go home and face her father. Hinata stands there, fidgeting, before asking Kurenai if they could spend some time together. Kurenai smiles, and replies with an _of course_. She has a way of speaking that immediately soothes the listener. Hinata’s mother had that gift, too.

Kurenai has always wanted to do for someone what Raidou’s older brother had done for her. He had exposed her to all the music that she and Raidou listen to. She never uses his name, but she remembers him well. He was taller than Raidou, and while they both were handsome in a rough, woodsy way, he was always smiling. He always teased Raidou for being so serious. Kurenai smiles, just thinking of them. The way Raidou held her hand when his brother decided to drive like a maniac, weaving his car in tight loops and curves along the narrow roads around the village. Singing “Secondhand News” out loud, with the windows down and Raidou covering his ears in protest, or listening to “Atmosphere” for the first time, in the rain, with Raidou’s head on her lap in the backseat.

All the nights she and Raidou spent riding in the back of that shitty Honda felt like they were from a movie. She is convinced that the music was a large part of it, and she always wants to point students to the big world outside of their village. Hinata needs to know that there is a world beyond this shitty town. So, Kurenai offers to show Hinata some of the music she listens to. Hinata looks up, having never had an adult offer to show something they actually think she would like. Hinata stands straighter, happy to have finally been seen by an adult other than her dead mother. She nods her head with a faint blush, and Kurenai smiles.

Kurenai explains that a big part of listening to music is having the right ambiance. The space needs to feel safe and comfortable, because you never really know how a song will make you feel until you listen to it. When they get back to Kurenai’s room in the barracks, she goes to the kitchenette and puts water into the kettle, while Hinata sort of hangs out in the middle of the room. Hinata doesn’t know what to do with herself, and for the first time, she feels nervous. As if reading her mind, Kurenai looks up with a smile, and when she finishes setting up their tea, she walks over to her stereo.

“So, what kind of music do you like to listen to?” Kurenai’s tone is gentle, and she gives Hinata a sly smile. Hinata tries to think, but the Hyuuga are quiet. Her childhood is a continuous moment of silence. The Hyuuga are quiet because they all speak with their eyes. Instead of loud family gatherings, everyone makes eye contact and blinks around at each other. Hinata is a Hyuuga, and it still creeps her out.

Kurenai sits on the floor by her stereo, and waves Hinata over to sit beside her on the floor. Kurenai rests on her hip, her legs bent around her. Hinata sits with crossed legs, and her back up straight. Kurenai is looking right at her, clearly expecting some sort of answer.

The Hyuuga are a proud, traditional clan. Aside from the personal rooms and a few electrical appliances, there is no trace of the West anywhere in the compound. They don’t even own a television.

In short, Hinata doesn’t really know what she likes, but she doesn’t want to seem stupid or uncultured in front of the woman she idolizes. She fidgets in silence.

“Hinata?” Kurenai tilts her head, smiling softly. “This isn’t a test. You don’t need to have an answer.” Hinata looks to the floor, and speaks softly.

“I-I haven’t really listened to m-music,” her stutter returns, making her go red, “b-but I would like to know what you l-listen to, Kurenai-sensei.” She looks up, and she almost faints from the unbearably kind expression on Kurenai’s face.

“Well, what would sound good to you now?” Hinata makes a face that sits between interest and bewilderment, and Kurenai giggles.

“You know, what are you feeling? Or, what would you like to feel? Are there any images or words in your head? Colours?” Kurenai is flipping through cassettes, CDs and vinyl, since between her, Raidou and his dead brother, they had a considerable collection.

Hinata closes her eyes, while Kurenai pulls a few items out of her pile. Anything featuring Stevie Nicks and Christie McVie. Kate Bush. Janis Joplin. _Finally_ , someone who could appreciate Raidou’s Mazzy Star album that he hides in a Bruce Springsteen cover. She could see Depeche Mode or Joy Division, or The Clash, but that would be a little much for today. Besides, they have time. Kurenai looks to Hinata, who starts speaking. Her eyes remain closed, and Hinata chides herself for being self-conscious.

“The soft, quiet moment after a storm.” Hinata delivers the sentence with the kind of eloquence one expects from the Hyuuga, but not from Hinata. Kurenai smiles, and picks up a CD and pops it into the stereo. She skips to a track on the album, then she hits pause to pour their tea.

When Kurenai comes back, she places their mugs on the floor before sitting down beside Hinata. With a finger to her lips, Kurenai presses a button, and a soft sound comes out of the speakers.

A woman comes on with a soft croon, and each time she sings the word _every,_ it sounds impossibly softer than the last time. The woman sings like her song is a spell that soothes the wounds of time. _But never ever been a blue calm sea/ I have always been a sto_ r _m_. After this, the woman reassures the listener that she always loved him, but that _not all the prayers in the world could save us_. To Hinata, it is a sad song about broken things. However, it isn’t about lamenting or denying or falling apart.

To Hinata, it is a song about the hope one can only have after everything has been shattered. A little piece of Hinata’s soul glows, when she realizes that she, indeed, has always been a storm, too. She smiles softly, wrapping her hands around her mug. Kurenai smiles, and when the track ends, she asks Hinata what she thought.

“Can we listen to it again?” Hinata tries to restrain her excitement. Kurenai grins, and after putting the song on repeat, she turns back to Hinata.

“What song is this?” Hinata asks with an intensity and interest that Kurenai had never heard before.

“Well, it is called “Storms” and it was performed by the band called Fleetwood Mac. Stevie Nicks, wrote the song after her affair with the band’s drummer ended badly.” Hinata nods in response.

“But, how does she make words feel like…that?”

“Like what, Hinata?”

“How does she make me feel like I am a storm, too?” Hinata looks at Kurenai, and the woman swears that she sees one of the girl’s canines. _The Hyuuga girl is a wolf and a storm_. Kurenai smiles.

“It is Stevie Nicks’ special power, that she can always find the right words to describe a feeling you knew you had but didn’t know how to name.” Kurenai picks up the back of the album cover, “She is my friend Raidou’s favourite songwriter, actually, though he doesn’t like to admit it.”

“Why wouldn’t he want everyone to know?” the question comes out breathless, and Kurenai smiles.

“Raidou…has the masculine tendency to think that feelings are something that should be kept to oneself, and Stevie goes against that image.” Kurenai sighs, “he and his brother introduced me to most of this music, too.” Kurenai pouts a little, looking at the huge pile. She never bothers with the system Raidou tries to impose. No matter how many times she tells him that her brain just doesn’t work that way, he will grumpily put the pieces back together, because he is that kind of guy.

Hinata tries to read her teacher, who looks distracted. She notices that Kurenai bites her nail while looking at all the CDs and cassettes and vinyl she has jumbled everywhere.

“Kurenai-sensei?”

“Yes, Hinata?”

“Would you like help tidying this up?” Kurenai laughs, shaking her head.

“We won’t get it right. He has a system. Besides, his favourite thing about coming here is organizing the collection.” Kurenai runs her hands through her hair, tilting her chin up towards the ceiling. Hinata hopes she will be that beautiful when she grows up, but as things stand, she isn’t very optimistic.

“Is Raidou your boyfriend?” Hinata asks without thinking, and when the question comes out, she claps her hand back over her mouth. Kurenai smiles like the Cheshire cat, toothy and enigmatic. Lupine.

“No, he is not my boyfriend. But he is my best friend in the whole world.”

Kurenai goes on to share Raidou’s opinion on Stevie’s lyricism on _Rumors_ v. _Tusk_. He argues that Stevie’s songs on _Tusk_ are better than _Rumors_ (Angel, Sara, Storms, Sisters of the Moon v. Dreams, Gold Dust Woman, Silver Springs). They are less focused on expressing her rage over lost love. Instead, Stevie is now trying to build something from the broken thing, because love never dies and shouldn’t be treated as such. _Tusk_ is about trying to be a coherent band again, instead of making all the band members complicit in each other’s misery. Kurenai was pretty sure that Raidou read that in the Pitchfork review.

Hinata interrupts Kurenai’s tangent, right before she was to launch into her counterpoint (mostly that, by all accounts, _Tusk_ was just as miserable to produce).

“Do you really think love never dies?” Hinata is fidgeting again, and Kurenai smiles.

“Love can’t die, even if it wants to. At most, it turns into hate or submits to apathy.” Hinata appears to mull this over, while Kurenai goes to play the rest of _Tusk_. The two sit in silence while the music washes over them.

Hinata listens to the album eagerly. She didn’t know it was possible to feel this immense, tender attachment to an arranged pattern of sound.

When “Tusk” comes on, Kurenai breaks their silence to talk about how Raidou, if he is in the car, will tap out the beat of the drums on the top of the wheel or the dashboard or the back of the seat; his brother did to, but he couldn’t match Raidou’s sense of rhythm (Raidou’s brother could play the guitar, and Raidou is comparatively hopeless). Raidou is a swordsman, and swordsmanship is all about controlling the flow of battle and the opponent’s movements as drums and percussion control the flow of a song. Kurenai’s face lights up when she talks about Raidou. Her eyes get a little bigger, and her voice is tender, as if she were overwhelmed by her feelings even in his absence. Hinata wonders if that is what she looks like when she talks about Naruto.

“God, I can’t believe I gushed about Raidou like that. I am glad that he isn’t around to hear it, he would never let me forget it.” Kurenai scratches her jaw, a tic she has picked up from Kakashi. “So, Hinata, do you have a best friend?” Hinata bites her lip, and Kurenai realizes that this conversation might take a turn towards the depressing. After a moment, Hinata shakes her head.

“But, I did at one time.” Hinata looks to Kurenai. “His name is Neji. He is my cousin, but we aren’t close anymore. I am pretty sure he hates me.” Kurenai looks at Hinata with a pained expression.

“Why would Neji hate you?” Kurenai is sure that she knows the answer, but she wants to hear it from Hinata first.

“His father died because of me.” Hinata bends her knees up into her chest, and wraps her arms around herself. “Someone from another village tried to kidnap me, for the byakugan, so my father killed him. The village he came from demanded my father’s body, but because my father didn’t have a seal and I was too young to take over, my uncle died and was sent in my father’s place.” Hinata knows that she has skipped several important parts of the story, but because Kurenai is already familiar with her father, she probably already knows the whole, sordid tale. This is the first time Hinata has had a chance to talk about Neji, so she keeps talking, hoping to purge all the evil and self-loathing from her body.

“Before this all happened, I used to spend all my time with him. He loved me, and now he looks at me like I am a louse,” Hinata’s eyes tear up, and she puts her head between her knees. “Then my mother died, and my father took my sister from me. Neji could have been my sole…person. Instead, he is trying to forget about me, like everyone else does, but I am still here so I suppose I make it impossible. He used to love me, but the truth is that I would hate me too, if the person who caused me all this pain wasn’t wiped off the planet.” Hinata really begins to cry, and her sobs make her whole body shake. Kurenai frowns, and pulls her student close for a hug.

Being denied affection for so long, Hinata only sobs harder. If it were possible, Kurenai would do anything to absorb Hinata’s pain, so that a little girl didn’t have to bear responsibility for all the hatred and resentment of her clan’s structural failings. If Hinata thinks she isn’t a wolf, she is wrong. No other creature would carry this pain if they weren’t obligated to, and most would have cut ties by now. But not soft, loving Hinata. It makes Kurenai angry, to know that a whole family was comfortable making a little girl carry all this poison inside of her soul. _This is what true evil must look like_ , Kurenai thinks, _true evil is the senselessness of making a little girl guilty for everyone else’s crimes_.

Kurenai kisses the top of Hinata’s head, when the girl begins to breathe normally, her sobs fading. Kurenai puts a hand to Hinata’s cheek, lifting her face up. Their gazes meet, and Kurenai pushes her rage down into her stomach.

“You don’t forget love, not the real kind.” Kurenai says with the kind of certainty someone can have with experience. “If he still reacts so strongly to you, he hasn’t forgotten.” Kurenai bites her lip, because Hinata’s eyes light up with hope. While Neji isn’t the worst actor here, he doesn’t deserve complete redemption, the kind of forgiveness Hinata clearly wants to give.

“Men have a weird way of dealing with their feelings. They are disgusted by any perceived weakness within themselves, so they try to destroy it.” Kurenai pauses, thinking of the time Asuma fled the village in a rage for a few years because of his father, or how Kakashi still refuses to relax in public places, or how Genma prefers to spit venom instead of telling her when he is hurt. Raidou is even worse; he just locks everything inside, letting it eat him up. She has seen them all inflict unnecessary damage, just because of every hurt or bitter or sad feeling is forced to turn into anger if it ever wants to be recognized and expressed.

“Men are more comfortable being angry at the people nearest to them instead of feeling sadness or fear. They prefer to blame external things rather than look inside,” Kurenai rubs Hinata’s back, “I am sorry that Neji has chosen to hurt you instead of looking to you for support. But know this: it is eating him inside, because hating you is making him less of a person. Between the two of you, he is undoubtedly suffering the most.” Hinata rubs her eyes with her hands, and Kurenai gets up to find some tissues. She thinks about a line she read in a book, that stuck with her: _there is nothing redemptive about pain_. Dworkin, if she recalled.

“Do you think we could be friends again?” Hinata’s voice sound so hopeful, that it makes her teacher want to die. Kurenai is silent while she gets the tissues from the bathroom and hands them to Hinata.

“You probably could be, if you both wanted to. But you don’t owe him your friendship, even if he apologizes and asks for forgiveness.” Kurenai sits back down besides Hinata, who is wiping down her face.

“Would you forgive Raidou, if it were him?” Kurenai smiles, and tries not to laugh.

“If he did anything like that, he would know better than to crawl back.” Hinata gives her a pained look, so Kurenai sighs to control her amusement. “In all seriousness, he probably doesn’t know how hard it is for me to be mad at him. If he apologized, and promised never to hurt me like that again, and then through his actions demonstrated that he was sorry and that I could trust him again, I would forgive him.” Kurenai looks at her nails, “I mean, we can’t even stay mad over the little things, like when I forget to turn off the oven or call him back, or when he gets snippy about how I mess up his ‘system’ for organizing our joint music collection,” she points to the pile of CDs and records. Hinata giggles, and Kurenai smiles.

“He is my pack.”

“Pack?” Hinata asks, the curious lilt in her voice flowering.

“Well, you know how a wolf doesn’t exist without another wolf? He is my other wolf. I wouldn’t be me without him, and he wouldn’t be himself without I. When you are friends with someone, you become a part of who they are.”

“I wish it were like that with Neji.” Hinata tilts her head, thinking. “It could have been like that, even though I don’t remember too well.” Kurenai shrugs.

“Stranger things have happened.” Kurenai looks at the pile, wondering how she will explain it to Raidou. “Have you thought of a goal yet?”

Kurenai isn’t surprised when Hinata shakes her head. She looks up at the ink painting over her bed. Her mother bought it for her. It is two wolves under the moon. _For you and Raidou_ , her mother had said with a sly expression. Wolves had been one of Kurenai’s childhood obsessions, and she devoured all the books she could find about them. It was so well-known that when they first came to the library, Genma, who worked there when he was a teenager, checked out _The Call of the Wild_ and _White Fang_ for her.

Kurenai’s mother had a sense of humour about when she chose to make her points about how she thought Kurenai should live her life. Wolves are Kurenai’s first reference for everything, and her mother knew her best.

“Hinata, what do you think about wolves?” Hinata smiles at the question.

“I think I would like to know more.”

**

Asuma knows that he shouldn’t expect anything special. His father doesn’t play favourites and these kids are like, twelve, so Asuma doesn’t expect much in terms of raw potential. However, as he looks from Shikamaru, to Ino, to Chouji, he just knows this is going to be a struggle.

They are all sitting across from him. Shikamaru has his arms crossed, and he looks like even being here is a great inconvenience. Chouji is beside him, eating potato chips. Every so often, Chouji will offer them around, but so far, no one has actually taken him up on the offer. Ino sits beside Chouji, looking expectantly at Asuma.

He sighs again, and while he knows he shouldn’t smoke in front of kids, he lights one up anyway. Ino wrinkles her nose in disgust, while the two boys don’t seem to care. Clearly, she was the only one on this squad who cared about living a long, healthy life. _Man, did she choose the wrong job._

Clearing his throat, Asuma knows that he should try and channel his own sensei. But he can’t ignore that what he saw on the training field today was anything but a total gong show. They each have their own jutsu, taught to them by their respective fathers, and they were all raised to be shinobi. It really shouldn’t have been so bad. It was a simple drill; all the three had to do was locate and retrieve an object, hidden by Asuma, and successfully get it back to the bench without Asuma catching them. It had none of the psychic warfare of the bell test, and it was a leg up from Kurenai’s approach, which is to assume everyone already knows team work is important. She has Hinata and Shino, heirs to powerful clans and two of the top students in their class. He and Kakashi only got one each: Ino and Sasuke. It really isn’t fair.

And _fuck_. Almost immediately, Ino and Shikamaru started bickering about who was in charge. To be fair, even Asuma finds it more than a little annoying that Shikamaru speaks about women like he is fifty and has been married and divorced five times. He could empathize with Ino’s irritation. However, Ino had gone for the throat when all Shikamaru had asked her to do was to go and look out from the top of that tree. She accused him of laziness, and because of its accuracy, Shikamaru accused Ino of being incapable of listening to instructions which culminated in a _YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!_ and a kick that sent Shikamaru up in a high, graceful arc across the yard.

Chouji, the least confrontational of the three, had been eating his chips the whole time. When Ino’s kick landed, he had set down the bag and applauded the show.

It had taken an hour to settle them all down, not including the time it took to ensure that Shikamaru wasn’t actually injured. Now, everyone but Chouji is sullen, and if it weren’t for his chips, it would be dead silent. _Lazy, gluttonous and wrathful_. Splendid. Great way to kick off the latest generation of Ino-Shika-Cho.

“Sensei, do you think I could switch onto team seven?” Ino bats her eyelashes, and Asuma exhales.

“Why would you like to join a different team, Ino?” he takes another puff of his cigarette. Shikamaru scowls, and Chouji, indifferent, keeps eating.

“Well, I am sure Sakura would be a better fit with these two,” Ino points to thumb over to her team mates, “and I think it is clear that Shikamaru and I just don’t work well together.”

She delivers it so well, that Asuma almost concedes her point. But something keeps bothering him. While it is true that these kids have a few obvious flaws, they have grown up together and really, shouldn’t be this antagonistic towards each other. It has only been four days, there is really no reason for Ino to be at the end of her rope so quickly. She is one of the best students in her class, and until now, has been fixated on being perfect. Asuma rubs his chin, letting her sweat a little bit more, eyeing Shikamaru and Chouji.

Chouji, for all his gluttony, could also be quite mercurial. He would have stepped in before things had escalated, and he at least would have been more worried about Shikamaru. _Hmm, it did look like he was watching a show_. Chouji also seems totally unbothered, even swinging his legs while he sits. Asuma eyes each of his students.

Ino looks a little antsy, waiting for his reply. Chouji, finishing his chips, crumples up the bag. Shikamaru, holding his side, is pouting. When it all clicks in for Asuma, he starts clapping. Alarmed, his team looks at him like he has lost it (which, after today, is a strong possibility).

“Excellent teamwork, you three. You nearly tricked me.” Asuma looks to Ino, “so, care to tell me why you actually want to switch teams?” Ino looks to the floor.

“She wants to spend time with _Sasuke_ ,” delivering the name with mock girlish enthusiasm, Shikamaru looks over Chouji to glare at Ino. She balks, nearly lunging at him.

“That was supposed to be a secret!”

“Oh, really? Are we to believe that you like Naruto all of the sudden?” he eyes her with contempt. Chouji begins to look nervous, which is how Asuma deduces that this is an actual fight.

“You are so mean sometimes!”

“And you are obsessed!” Shikamaru, in a rare exertion of energy, leans over Chouji, “All you talk about is _Sasuke this_ and _Sasuke that_ , but you know what I think is hilarious? He has never looked at you _once_.”

Pulling back and crossing his arms, Shikamaru looks at the space just left of Asuma. Chouji, concerned, keeps looking back between the two before settling on Ino. The girl, clearly upset about the implication of Shikamaru’s words, crosses her arms. It occurs to Asuma that she might cry. Already on it, Chouji puts an arm around her.

“C’mon Ino, don’t cry. Shikamaru didn’t really mean it, you just kicked him a little harder than you had when we practiced this morning.” Chouji looks back at his friend. “Right, Shikamaru?”

By the look on Shikamaru’s face, Asuma can tell that he is not going to take the out on this one. As to why, well, Asuma has a few guesses, none of which bode well for this team.

“Nope, although I am pretty annoyed that you kicked me _across_ the field.” Ino glares at him.

“You’re just jealous.” Asuma should really step in. He knows this, but he stands back anyway.

“Why would I jealous?” The question is poison, which Ino doesn’t hesitate to volley back.

“You are jealous of Sasuke because I like him more than you.”

It is as if Ino had spat acid. Shikamaru looks wounded, before readjusting his mask of indifference.

“I’m not jealous at all. Once he hears that mouth of yours, he is going to be jealous of _me_ ,” Shikamaru turns away, and Chouji winces. Ino, angry, looks like she is going to respond when Asuma cuts her off.

“Ino, Chouji, you two can leave today. Come here tomorrow at the same time.” He waves them off, making it clear that they should scram. Ino looks like she wants to protest, but Chouji hauls her away before she can say anything.

Asuma, looking at Shikamaru, sits down beside the boy. Shikamaru is fidgeting, looking like he is waiting for his teacher to get angry with him. Instead, Asuma looks out onto the field.

“You just lied, didn’t you?” Asuma hears Shikamaru shuffle beside him.

“Yeah.” The admission is glum, defeated even.

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t think Ino will figure it out anytime soon.” Asuma crosses his arms and leans back.

“Why do girls like Sasuke so much? He is such a dick.” Asuma smiles to himself, since Shikamaru still isn’t looking at him.

“Ino is going through a phase. She has a crush on Sasuke because she likes the idea of him. She doesn’t really like him.” Asuma brushes some fluff off of his pants. Shikamaru looks at him.

“You really think that?” The small grain of hope is there, under the gruff vocal fry.

“I know it. You want to know something else?” Asuma turns to look at Shikamaru, who looks a little more relaxed. The boy nods.

“I’m going to bet you are one of the first people she told her secret too. Do you know what that means?” Shikamaru looks confused, and just shakes his head. Asuma leans in for a dramatic effect.

“It means that she actually trusts, respects and loves you. You might outgrow whatever you’re feeling right now, and you two might not fall in love,” _god-willing,_ Asuma thinks, predicting that a relationship within his squad would send him to an early grave, “but she does like you more than she likes Sasuke, because she likes _you_ , not the idea of you.”

Shikamaru, still silent, looks out onto the field before them. When Asuma sees the smile on the boy’s face, he gets up. Asuma knows this is going to be a problem later, but hopefully by then they won’t be his genin anymore.

Asuma figures he won’t be lucky, so he offers to play a game of shoji with Shikamaru

**

Kakashi knows that he should stop being so judgmental. It is unbecoming and a sign of an intellect grown complacent. These are concepts that he grasps, intellectually. However, in the dark parts of his soul (which have saved him innumerable times), he knows his snap judgments have never failed him before.

When he first meets Team Seven, he is unimpressed. He knows Minato is mocking him, from wherever he ended up, and Rin and Obito are probably laughing too, from the sick irony of it all. He sees the familiar triangle beginning to emerge. There is one every year. It never fails. He knows Asuma will never stop laughing over this one. Kurenai will at least keep her laughter to herself. She knows that it will always be too soon after Obito and Rin.

After Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura pass his test, Kakashi is willing to entertain the possibility that he was wrong. After all, as the last survivor of his squad, he was the one stupid enough to keep living, so what does he know? However, he is anxious about history repeating itself, and Naruto and Sakura are annoying. Kakashi wants to go up and demand that Sasuke make a choice. Either reciprocate or reject Sakura’s feelings, so she can move on and give Naruto one less thing to compete for with Sasuke.

Kakashi knows girls aren’t things, although Kurenai isn’t so sure, judging by his taste in literature.

On the day he finally decides to say something, he plans to take Sasuke aside and tell him how this triangle will most likely play out. When he gets there, Sakura and Naruto are at each other’s throats while Sasuke looks like he is thinking about something infinitely more interesting. Kakashi sighs, preparing himself, when he notices the intensity of Sasuke’s gaze. The boy doesn’t look like he is ignoring his team; rather, his face looks as focused as it does when he is executing a new move.

Kakashi turns, and spots the Hyuuga girl. She is trying and failing to work up the courage to trap a spider. While doing this, the girl also looks at Naruto with the same hopefulness with which Sakura looks at Sasuke. Kakashi looks back at Sasuke, who is now scowling at Naruto.

Kakashi smirks under his mask. Suddenly, Sasuke’s stake in the rivalry makes so much more sense—Sasuke competes with Naruto because of the Hyuuga girl. Knowing Sakura and Naruto are too nosy for their own good, and that the Hyuga girl will never trap that spider herself, Kakashi decides to do something nice for a change.

After deflecting remarks about his usual tardiness, Kakashi asks Sasuke to help the Hyuuga girl with whatever she is doing over there, and he will take Sakura and Naruto out for survival training. Sasuke’s face lights up, before he returns to his mask of patrician indifference. Kakashi can tell from Sasuke’s stride that he is trying, very hard, not to run over as quickly as he can.

Sakura grumbles, because she does and doesn’t understand how big a deal love is as she is the only one of the four who isn’t alone. Kakashi turns away to smile at Sasuke, before turning back to his remaining pupils.

**

When Kurenai opens her door to find Kakashi standing there one night, there is a distinct moment where she wonders if something bad has happened. She can’t remember the last time, if ever, Kakashi came to her room alone.

“Kakashi,” she waves him in. Instead, he leans in her doorway.

“I have something to tell you,” he drawls. She blinks.

“And what would that be?” she asks.

“One of my students has a crush on yours,” he says, stepping inside her room. Kurenai follows him with her gaze.

“You’re not one to get involved.” Kakashi shrugs.

“Sasuke looks at Hinata like Raidou looks at you,” he pauses, “it reminded me of you two.” She tilts her head.

“Why are you telling me this?” she asks, “are you trying to play matchmaker?” Kakashi shakes his head, looking at all her CDs.

“It just reminded me of when we were younger.” So many days, he wakes up wishing he could go back and act differently.

“Remember the crush you had on me?” Kurenai grins at the flush creeping up his face. “Are you sure Sasuke’s crush isn’t like that?”

Not to be outdone, Kakashi pins her with a look. “No, Sasuke is sweet on Hinata. I don’t even think he knows he has a crush on her. That’s how Raidou was with you.” He pauses for dramatic effect. “I always knew what I wanted to do with you.” He winks, and Kurenai smiles.

“Dinner says Sasuke plays the long game,” she says. Kakashi snorts.

“That isn’t a bet. The long game is the only kind of game he plays.” He frowns, trying to think of a tougher bet.

“Fine,” she says, “I’ll pay for dinner if they have a baby.” Kakashi blinks at her smirk.

“That’s a little much.”

“If they have a baby together before they turn thirty-five.” She says. Kurenai is very aware of Hinata’s crush on Naruto. She is confident that Sasuke will never be a problem.

“You don’t seem to believe in Sasuke,” Kakashi drawls.

“That’s not my job,” she says, “that’s yours. Hinata likes Naruto, and if she is anything like me, she will get what she wants.”

“I have faith in Sasuke,” he replies, “and they are going to grow up, and, like you, Hinata is going to choose the person who was sweet on her from day one.” Kakashi walks towards the door.

“You’ve got a bet.” She says. Kakashi gives her a thumbs up as he walks out, and she smiles, shaking her head.

No way anyone else could ever want another person like Kurenai wants Raidou. It is impossible. Like, against the laws of the universe.

**

_Aoba has this obsession with trying to figure out who the prettiest girl in their year is. Not for the first time, Raidou curses his parents for signing him up to the academy late. He is eighteen years old, and would rather spend his time with people his own age. Aoba, Guy and Asuma are all sitting under a tree, while Genma lies down chewing a blade of grass, watching the clouds. Raidou lies on his stomach, trying to nap through this dumb conversation, and Kakashi is sitting on a branch, reading but paying attention._

_“Are we really having a meeting about this?” Genma asks. “This is fucking lame.”_

_“Hey, don’t curse,” Raidou says. Genma sticks his tongue out at him._

_“You are such an old man,” Genma drawls. Raidou opens his mouth to respond, but Aoba cuts him off._

_“I tallied up the votes,” he says in a serious voice, “it’s Kurenai.” Raidou sighs. He hadn’t voted, since he has at least four years on everyone, but the last thing he needs is for Kurenai to hear this. He is aware of her crush, and he hoped that she would just accept that he isn’t interested. Raidou has been seeing a girl in the village, and he hasn’t told anyone but his brother, who smirks and tells him that Kurenai will find out._ She’s fourteen _, he says,_ what is the worst she could do to you?

_Genma frowns at the results. “She’s pretty, I guess.” Raidou rolls onto his back, and pretends that he isn’t alive. “There aren’t enough girls for there to be an ugly one.” Aoba pouts._

_“But don’t you want to know who the prettiest is?” he asks. Genma shrugs._

_“You all only voted for her because she has boobs now.” He rolls onto his stomach and sits up. “I like Anko and Shizune more.” Genma yawns. “Raidou, what do you think of Kurenai?”_

_Raidou groans aloud. It’s his parents’ fault that his friends are all fourteen. And twelve, if including Kakashi. “I don’t think about Kurenai like that.” Raidou sits up on his elbows. “She is fourteen.”_

_“So?” Genma asks._

_“I’m eighteen. I’m not interested in Kurenai,” Raidou says, “I don’t think about her like that.” It’s true. He sees her as a kid, and that won’t change any time soon, especially as she gloms onto him more and more._

_“Well, how do you think about girls?” Genma asks. Five pairs of eyes all fixate on him, and Raidou groans._

_“Like you. It’s just that the older you get, the more you are able to understand how girls make you feel.” Raidou says. Genma pouts._

_“Have you had sex?” Kakashi asks. His voice hasn’t even broken._

_Raidou makes a choking noise, and slams his forehead back into the grass. “That isn’t an appropriate question.” He really hates his parents right now._

_“That means yes,” Aoba says in a sing-song voice._

_“No, it doesn’t mean that," Raidou replies. He has only done it a few times, not enough to be good but enough to figure out how to make it work._

_“Yes it does,” Asuma says. Raidou narrows his eyes. When did he get perceptive?_

_“What does sex feel like?” Kakashi asks. Raidou groans again._

_“If I give you an answer, do you promise not to ask me about sex for the next four years?” Raidou sits up and crosses his legs. He rubs his head in his hands._

_They all nod, and he sighs, thankful that there is a god, somewhere out there, who cares for him. He puts his hand on his chin, thinking. “Sex feels like…” trailing off, he bites his lip, trying to think of the best way to describe the carnal pull towards another person that they could understand. “Sex feels like you are searching for something in another person.”_

_“What are you looking for?” Kakashi asks. Raidou smirks._

_“I’ll tell you in four years,” he says, standing up and stretching._

**

Raidou sits, cross-legged on Kurenai’s bed, eating a bowl of cereal. He is wearing a pair of underwear and a big, black t-shirt that belonged to his dad. He watches her flit around the room, getting ready for the day. She stuffed half a pop tart into her mouth over the sink, which Raidou guessed to be her whole breakfast. She then walked to the bathroom, brushed, flossed and washed her face. She is now pulling her shorts over her hips, wearing nothing on her upper half.

Kurenai smirks as she watches him look at her. “Raidou,” she says, “how long did you have a crush on me?” Raidou slurps down his mouthful of cereal, swirling his spoon in the bowl.

“I was always attached to you,” he says. “I never really had a crush on you. It’s more like I was always with you, and then one day you grew up and it all clicked for me.” He shrugs. “I only really noticed you like that when you were eighteen.”

“Never before?”

“Fuck, Kurenai— _no_ , you were a kid.” Raidou frowns at his cereal.

“So were you,” she teases. Raidou does not find this conversation remotely funny. This only amuses her more.

“I am four years older than you,” he says, grumbling into his cereal, “that’s messed up.” Kurenai grins at him. She grabs the other half of her pop-tart and puts it in her mouth.

As she chews, he glares at her. “You know you’ll need to brush your teeth again.” She swallows the rest of her pop-tart.

“No I don’t,” she says, “I’m an adult. I make the rules.” Raidou puts the bowl up to his mouth and slurps up the milk and the mushy pieces of cereal left.

“How long until you have to go meet your genin?” he asks, wiping the milk from his upper lip with the back of his wrist. Kurenai smiles.

“I have four hours before I have to go anywhere.” She walks right up to him and takes his bowl and spoon. She places them on the floor before climbing onto Raidou. He receives her, happily, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“I have milk breath,” he says, and Kurenai shrugs.

“I am going to have to brush again anyways,” she leans forward to kiss him, but her turns his face away.

“Actually, you have to brush your teeth before we make out,” he says, teasing. She frowns.

“So do you.” She squirms, but he doesn’t let go.

“Nope, my milk breath is what you deserve from me.” He kisses the side of her face, and Kurenai giggles, despite herself.

“I deserve more,” she sighs, “I deserve the world.”

“I am giving you milk _and_ cereal breath.” He kisses the underside of her jaw and she sighs. “I want to make you brush your teeth three times this morning.”

“Nope,” she says, “I refuse. You either have me now or never again.” Raidou smiles at her, and his breath doesn’t smell bad, not to her, anyway. But he could do nothing that would put her off him.

“Well, when you put it like that,” he rolls her over onto her back and he hovers above her, smiling. Kurenai kisses his upper lip, and he sighs against her as he leans into the swell and returns to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know the Kurenai/Raidou tag didn't exist on AO3 before this story? I cackled so hard. They are easily my favourite couple to write.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	3. An Ominous Cloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does the lowly amoeba feel pain? If so, why care?

“I don’t know when you got taller”

Phoebe Bridgers, Garden Song

Asuma actually thinks about the world. Not in the hyperaware, paranoid way that all shinobi do. He actually thinks about life, and all the big questions even though he doesn’t come across as a particularly thoughtful person. Raidou would say that he lacks inner complexity. Kurenai doesn’t know why she is surprised to learn that it is actually the opposite.

“Do you ever think about whether or not plants feel pain?” he asks.

“Can’t say I have,” Kurenai sips her coffee.

“Well, why not?” Asuma asks. She blinks at him.

“Why haven’t I considered whether or not plants are capable of feeling pain?” she asks. She tries not to sound irritated as she restates the question.

“Yes.” Asuma ashes his cigarette. “Like, people become vegetarians because they don’t like the idea of animals suffering, but what would they do if it was discovered that plants could feel pain?”

“Starve?” Kurenai asks. Asuma rolls his eyes.

“The real question is whether or not you can actually base a system of ethics that is about the entire elimination of inflicting suffering and pain.” Asuma puffs on his cigarette, and Kurenai pouts.

No, she has never considered a world where people don’t inflict pain. “It seems like a dumb goal,” she drawls, looking down at her coffee cup. Asuma shrugs.

“It’s a nice idea,” he says, “but I agree; I don’t think pain is something any living creature is spared from.”

“Even an amoeba?” she asks. Asuma laughs.

“Even the lowly amoeba feels pain,” he drawls.

This isn’t a date, but they are spending a lot of time together. She always wrote him off as simple, which he kind of is, but that isn’t a bad thing. She actually finds it intriguing. She has never met anyone else who would talk about amoebas like they have an inner life. She smiles at Asuma, and he frowns.

“Is there something on my face?” he asks. She smiles.

“Yep. Right here,” she lies, pointing to the corner of her mouth. He frowns and rubs his tongue in the spot, making her laugh. Asuma looks confused, until it dawns on him that she was playing a trick on him.

“You lied,” he says. She smirks.

“So?” she winks. “I want to keep you guessing.” Asuma presses his mouth into a line, considering his response.

“You always do,” he murmurs, taking out another cigarette. Kurenai watches him, and not for the first time, sees how handsome he has become. She offers him a real smile while he isn’t looking, as they continue to walk down the street.

**

Raidou stretches into a yawn. He sits on a bench while Genma sits on the back, looming over him.

“I’m so tired,” Raidou swallows another yawn.

“You should sleep more,” Genma replies.

“I’m busy at night,” Raidou rubs his face while Genma smirks.

“You mean Kurenai keeps you up.” Genma chews on his senbon, looking out at the people on the street. “You two need to come up with a schedule.”

“For what?” Raidou asks.

“For sex,” Genma shrugs. “You two are something else.”

“We just really like each other,” Raidou grunts. Genma laughs at that one.

“I’ve never _liked_ someone so much that I stay up at all hours and ruin my sleep schedule for them,” he says, looking at his nails. “I would only do that if I loved someone.”

“And have you ever fallen in love, Genma?” Raidou does his best to make his voice sound bored. It is his best defense mechanism.

“No,” Genma says. “I’m not planning on it anytime soon.” 

“So, what’s with Anko?” Raidou stretches again. “You were awfully concerned about her not calling you.” Genma snorts.

“It was the principle of her not calling that bugged me.”

“ _Right_.”

“Hey, I’m not the guy losing sleep because Kurenai won’t hop off my dick and leave me alone,” Genma retorts. Raidou laughs at that one.

He is about to respond when he sees Asuma and Kurenai walking down the street, her holding a cup of coffee as he puffs on a cigarette. Raidou isn’t surprised, but he also never really thought that it would bother him to see them together. Genma clocks the stunned look on Raidou’s face.

“Huh, maybe she really is that bored,” Genma says, “or greedy.” Raidou feels his tummy tighten. He knows she feels neglected, and she warned him that this would happen.

“It’s fine,” he mumbles.

“Fine?” Genma scoffs, “she monopolizes your time and then starts talking to another guy and it’s _fine_?” he clenches his jaw. “You two are a lot of things but not once, did I ever think she would make a liar out of you.”

“She isn’t making me a liar. It’s fine.” It actually isn’t, but Raidou would prefer to just shove his feelings aside and get on with the rest of his life. “She gave me a heads up.”

“That’s all you have to say? That you’re fine when you clearly aren’t because at least she warned you before hopping onto Asuma’s dick?”

“Stop talking about her like that,” Raidou rubs his hands against his face. “You’re being judgemental.”

“Because there is so much to _judge_!” Genma throws up his hands. Raidou groans.

“Look, I really, really don’t want to talk about it,” he sighs, “she wants a boyfriend, I can’t be a boyfriend, so she turns to a guy who can do that for her. The math is easy.” Frustratingly simple, actually.

“You’ve pretty much been her boyfriend for the past nine years,” Genma replies. Raidou leans back.

“What do you want me to say?” he asks. Genma sighs.

“That it bothers you,” he says, “that this isn’t fine.” Raidou shrugs.

“I don’t really know how to say that.” He looks down at his hands. Genma rubs his face.

“It’s because nobody taught you,” Genma says. Raidou can’t disagree.

**

Every so often, a few people from Kurenai’s class decide that it would be a really good idea to get the band back together and get absolutely hammered. It is usually Genma or Anko, but surprisingly, this time it is Ibiki who decides that it has been too long since they had all gotten together. The person who sets it up chooses the bar, and thankfully, Ibiki ensures that there is no karaoke or dance floor that could tempt Genma or Anko to repeat their past mistakes. Ibiki told the two that this was their chance at redemption: a chance to prove that they could all spend time together without it resulting in mayhem and property damage.

Raidou and Kurenai have a protocol for these things, and it has never backfired. They make a point of having two drinks at home, so they are half-cut when they get to the bar. It means they are nice and relaxed for whatever fuckery is a foot, and they are the last to get there.

When they step into the bar, they immediately see all their friends at a table along the far side of the bar. Raidou and Kurenai are only an hour and a half late, but they had greatly overestimated Ibiki’s ability to maintain decorum.

Anko is already in, what Kurenai and Raidou privately refer to, monster mode. She has somehow convinced Hayate to stand on their table. Ibiki and Asuma are trying to reason with her, but she has put her arms around Hayate’s shoulders, and he is too polite to stand up to her. Genma stands behind Ibiki and Asuma, and it is clear that he is the object of her anger. Raidou gives Kurenai a nervous look, and she shrugs. As they get closer, it becomes increasingly clear why this is happening.

“Take it back!” Anko shouts this over Hayate’s shoulder. Hayate, the Eeyore of their little gang, just resigns himself to being Anko’s pawn. He slouches forward, coughing every so often. Everyone is used to how sickly he is, but the bar staff look at him like they are afraid that he will collapse.

“Anko,” the expression on Asuma’s face only comes out when he is trying to reason with his genin. “Genma didn’t mean it.” From Genma’s laugh, it is safe to say that he did, indeed, mean whatever he said. Ibiki, when he turns to see the expression on Genma’s face, shoots him a scowl and steps in front of him to block Anko’s view.

“Listen to Asuma. Genma didn’t mean it.”

“What did Genma not mean?” Raidou asks, when he and Kurenai finally get to the table. Pulling out a chair, Kurenai plops down next to Kakashi. Kakashi smiles at her. Kurenai nods her head in response. Raidou sits across from her, and next to him, Guy is leaning across the table, trying to get Kakashi to play rock paper scissors.

“Genma told Anko that she should stop being so obnoxious to compensate for being Orochimaru’s last student.” Kakashi delivers this in his drawl, leaning towards the free popcorn on the table. Raidou and Kurenai make faces at each other, before Kurenai turns to Genma.

“Did you really mean that?” Genma looks at Kurenai with an impish grin.

“Who’s to say?”

“I knew it!” Shoving Hayate away, Anko dives towards Genma. Asuma manages to catch poor Hayate, who was pushed mid-cough. Ibiki catches Anko right before she lands on Genma, hugging her to his chest by her waist. Hayate makes a choking nose that is between a sneeze and a cough, and after standing him up properly, Asuma has to thump him on the back twice to knock the phlegm out. Anko, who is squirming, is even angrier at Genma, who, now laughing, steps back to get another drink from the bar. Ibiki carries Anko over to the corner, where he sets her down and they exchange a few tense words.

The bartender looks at the group with resignation. _He has learned pretty quickly_ , Kurenai thinks. Asuma sits down next to her, sighing. He smells like cigarettes and sweat, and Kurenai must be ovulating or something, because it is suddenly the best smell ever. Kurenai bites her lip, trying to bite the feeling back down.

“You have great reflexes.” Kurenai doesn’t know why she says it, especially in such a cheery tone. She realizes, too late, that she sounds like Ino and Sakura when they complement Sasuke. _Shit._ Asuma gives her a strange look. She isn’t even drunk. _Fuck_. Scrambling, she decides to trust whatever dumb thing her mouth blurts out next.

“You know, saving Hayate from certain death?” Kurenai offers it, weakly, her voice getting quieter with the inflection. Asuma tilts his head, looking at her, and Kurenai feels her face getting hot. _Great, now_ _I look like Hinata_. She had always thought that accepting humiliation for what it is would help, but that was stupid of her. Nothing helps. Asuma is still just looking at her, as if he is trying to put something in place. Kurenai entertains the idea that she wants to die.

From across the table, Hayate gives her a look and looks like he is going to say something, and Guy looks like he would like to interject as well. Asuma still has a stupid look on his face. _Please, someone, kill me_. Hayate opens his mouth, and Raidou turns and asks him a question about the chunnin exams. _You’re a proctor this year, right?_ To her right, she hears Kakashi take Guy up on his offer for rock paper scissors. _Winner has to be silent for the rest of the night, okay?_

She doesn’t deserve either of them. If she survives this humiliation, she is going to march into Hokage Tower and make Kakashi and Raidou her beneficiaries in the likely event of her early demise.

“I don’t know if his death was certain, but he is fragile, isn’t he?” Asuma smiles at her, and she feels her abdominals begin to unclench and the heat leave her face. She smiles at Asuma, and tries to ignore her animal hindbrain demanding that she focus all her attention on him. _But he only looks at me, too_. Kurenai can’t believe that she is whining to herself. The familiar primal coil of attraction is heating up, and Kurenai crosses her legs and shifts in her seat. It is a little different, with Asuma compared to Raidou. She feels lighter, even giddy, as the spring releases and sends heat up through her chest and into her brain. Kurenai doesn’t remember the last time she tried to flirt, but looking into Asuma’s face, she decides that she won’t try and hide it. She leans in closer to him, and she starts asking him about his day.

While this is happening, Ibiki and Anko return to the table, and Anko chooses to sit next to Hayate. She glares at Genma, who sits at the opposite end of the table and props his feet up on it. His hands are behind his head, and he has a lazy smile on his face. Even though Kakashi won three rounds in a row, Guy finds it impossible to stay quiet, and keeps challenging him. Genma offers to judge the winner, because he is _impartial_ , which earns him a glare from Kakashi. At some point in the evening, while Kurenai and Asuma are too busy talking to each other, Tenzo joins them.

Well, Kurenai is sure that Tenzo is the name Kakashi calls him, but the man really doesn’t like it. He is in ANBU, so he can’t really give out his name either. He is also a few years younger than them, a fact which keeps him from really standing up to Kakashi. It is a horrible bind, and he seems to take a sip of his drink every time Kakashi uses that name, eyes getting narrower and narrower. Only Kakashi could push the buttons of an ANBU operative without risking his life. Kakashi, bored with babysitting Guy, takes a look across the table to Raidou, who half-listens to Hayate and Ibiki soothing Anko’s temper, but he is really watching Asuma and Kurenai.

Raidou’s expression is inscrutable. As a trained assassin, he knows how to hide in plain sight. Sensing he is being watched, Raidou gets up and walks around the table. Kakashi, bored, gets up to follow Raidou to the bar.

Raidou looks up at the bar, scanning his options. Kakashi sidles up to him.

“I wouldn’t recommend the house tap.”

“Duly noted.” Raidou glances at Kakashi, smirking.

“So, Asuma and Kurenai.” Kakashi doesn’t bother beating around the bush.

“I thought Genma and Anko would beat them to it.” Raidou says, drumming his hands on the bar. Kakashi watches the expression on Raidou shift from mirth into the flat affect of an assassin observing his target. “Do you think they know they are going to have a kid one day?” Raidou’s question is direct, and his voice does not betray any emotion. Kakashi looks back at Asuma and Kurenai, who are only focused on each other.

“I think it ruins the experience, if you know all that stuff is going to happen. Don’t you think?” Raidou smiles.

“You are such a romantic, Kakashi. Maybe those books are better than I remember.” Raidou ways with a shit-eating grin on his face. Kakashi rolls his eyes.

“Jiraiya is going to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.” Raidou cackles, and Kakashi makes a rude hand gesture before he walks back to their table. Kakashi is a little surprised that Raidou held no hostility towards Asuma, but he is glad for it. _They all deserve to be happy_. And, well, out of everyone, Kakashi expected he and Raidou to remain bachelors. They didn’t really care what other people thought of them, and any charm they exuded was an accident.

Genma and Hayate have now traded seats, and Anko is listing all her grievances against Genma, in precise detail and chronological order. Genma is grinning as his past exploits are listed, and every so often he interrupts to correct a minor error. Ibiki is drinking, just glad that those two didn’t get them all kicked out. Hayate, now sitting by Guy, is getting every single home-remedy and bananas pep-talk Guy has ever prepared, punctuated by commands to _keep up your strength_. Hayate, ever patient, just sits and politely listens, although Kakashi notices that he coughs more frequently than usual. _Probably to mess with Guy’s delivery_. Tenzo, who is watching this unfold with arms crossed, turns to acknowledge Kakashi’s return. Because he is a good friend, Kakashi pulls out both volumes of _Icha Icha_ on his person, and passes one to Tenzo. His friend shrugs and takes the book, while Kakashi finds the place where he had stopped.

**

Raidou, tired and not as drunk as he would like to be, sighs as Genma repeats to him how annoying he thinks Anko is for trying to one-up his disorderly behaviour. Raidou is this close to telling Genma to _just fuck her already_ , when Kurenai taps her hand on the table twice. He sneaks a glance, and she is looking right at him, smiling. It’s her wolfish grin, the one that tells him that she wants to spend some one-on-one time with him. Raidou snorts. Asuma must have gone out for a cigarette and a pep talk from Kakashi, since both are absent from the table.

 _Guess she wants to keep him waiting a little longer_. Raidou shrugs, outright ignoring Genma at this point, and gets up to pay their tab. It’s his turn, after all. Kurenai gets up and waves goodbye for the two of them (he never bothers to say goodbye, so it is her job). Despite Anko and Genma whining, Kurenai walks over to Raidou, who is waiting to pay his tab. Raidou is tapping his foot, and he turns to give her a weird look. His mouth is scrunched up, but his eyes are bright.

“I think Asuma went outside for a cigarette,” he comments, and she nods.

“A rare show of consideration,” she replies, and Raidou finally smiles.

“I am gonna be five minutes, and I think he would feel pretty shitty if you just ditched him to hang out with me with no goodbye or anything.” Raidou gives her a pointed look. His eyes soften when he sees the Kurenai try to contain her smile. He likes making her feel good. One could say it’s his kink. “I mean, I’m not expert on relationships or anything, but he is probably getting some horrible advice straight out of _Icha Icha_ from Kakashi right now, so you should at least go and interrupt them.” Raidou pulls out his wallet and passes his cloak to her. She gives him a weird look, but he waves her off. After she puts on the cloak, Kurenai kisses his cheek before walking to the door.

The door is lighter then she remembers from when she came in, but that could be the combined buzz of the alcohol and adrenaline. Asuma is standing right outside with Kakashi across from him. Thankfully, it sounds like they are complaining about their genin.

“Hi,” she smiles, grateful for Raidou’s cloak because of the cold, as she sidles up to the two men.

“Kurenai.” Kakashi steps back, giving Asuma and Kurenai some space.

“You heading out?” Asuma fails to look indifferent when he asks the question. Kurenai nods, smiling.

“Raidou looked like he was going to finally kill Genma in there.” As soon as she says it, she knows it was a mistake to mention Raidou. Asuma’s face falls and Kakashi shoots her a subtle glare. She clears her throat, quickly thinking of a way to make it better.

“Someone needs to keep him safe around here.” Kurenai intends it as a joke, and Kakashi, proving himself to be a force for benevolence, helps her out.

“For an assassin, he is a big baby about some things, isn’t he?” Asuma laughs at this, and Kurenai gives Kakashi a look of thanks.

“Will either of you two be busy tomorrow?” Kurenai decides to shift the topic from Raidou before they realize she is wearing Raidou’s cloak, although the two men have already noticed.

“Hm, well, since Genma will probably insist on some sort of after party at his place, I am pretty sure I will be in bed all day.” Kakashi rubs his jaw thoughtfully. “Maybe I will get Tenzo to walk the dogs.”

“Do you think Anko knows that he will be hosting a party to get her alone with him?” Asuma asks.

“Oh, Genma and Anko? They are already sleeping together.” Kurenai says offhandedly, which catches both men by surprise.

“Really?” Asuma takes another drag.

“I have caught her sneaking out of his room several times this past month, so unless they are working on some plan to save the whales or whatever, I am pretty sure they are doing it.” She smirks when she says _it_ , like they are all teenagers again. While they are cool now, both Asuma and Kakashi had been hopelessly awkward with the opposite sex when they were teenagers. It was especially funny with Kakashi, since he was a wunderkind. It just goes to show that people who are enormously gifted in one area inevitably struggle in the other parts of their lives. They still look at her with disbelief, just like they did when she told them what girls really wanted you to do with your mouth.

“Look, do you really think she would put up with him if she weren’t getting something out of it?” Kurenai says with frustration, just as Raidou slips out of the bar and joins them. She turns to Raidou.

“You know Anko and Genma are sleeping together, right?” Raidou’s surprised expression just irritates her.

“You spend more time with him than anyone else!” She is indignant, and her voice goes up to an octave that she can’t really reach. It makes Asuma and Kakashi snort.

“I am glad everyone is finding each other, I guess.” With a shrug, Raidou steps back. He waves to Kakashi and Asuma, muttering _later_ before turning around.

Kurenai looks at Raidou’s back, before she turns back to her colleagues. She smiles right at Asuma, wishing him and Kakashi a good night before she trots off after Raidou. Kakashi looks to Asuma, who looks disappointed.

“If it helps, I think Raidou knows that she likes you.” Kakashi looks at Asuma with sympathy.

“That doesn’t really make me feel better,” Asuma throws the butt of his cigarette to the ground.

“I would even say that he approves.”

“What makes you think that?” Asuma, irritated with the speculation around his relationship with Kurenai, glares at his friend. Kakashi shrugs.

“Doesn’t he usually ignore people instead of saying goodbye?” Asuma pauses to think over this statement.

“He wasn’t exactly warm.”

“Raidou will never fall over himself trying to get anyone to like him.” Kakashi looks up into the night sky, an inky purple. Asuma is silent, lighting another cigarette.

“I would even go so far as to say that Raidou likes of you.” Kakashi doesn’t bother to look back at his friend, who drops his cigarette.

“You think?” Asuma says with more hope than he would like to show. Kakashi grins up at the sky.

“I guess Genma was right about them not being a couple.”

“Hm, Raidou likes me, huh?”

Asuma contemplates lighting another cigarette, but decides not to bother.

“Want to go back in and watch the Anko and Genma show?” Kakashi looks back to see Asuma’s eyebrows wiggle. Kakashi laughs, as Asuma heads back to the door of the bar.

**

When they get back into Kurenai’s room, she doesn’t waste any time. Raidou barely throws the beer into the fridge before she jumps him. Part of it is being worked up over Asuma, but the other part is because of him. Citrus on her palate. The woodsy smell in her room.

She loves him, with an expanding infinity that terrifies her more than anything. She likes Asuma, could probably even love him, too. She could even allow for the possibility that he could be the love of her life. But Raidou, for all intents and purposes, is her soulmate. The dark undercurrent of her being.

They lie beside each other in darkness. His head lies on top of her diaphragm, and her right hand runs through his hair while her left lies under her head. They are silent, simply enjoying each other’s company. Raidou’s scruff starts scratching along the skin under her breasts; she can feel him speaking before he says anything.

“Genma will bring people back.” Kurenai hums in response, unsure of how to talk about Asuma with Raidou. So she tries to side step the implication of Raidou’s question. But he won’t let her go so easily. “You wouldn’t want to miss Asuma.” Raidou shifts, so that his chin is on her sternum, and she is forced to look down at him.

“I don’t even know how to respond.” Raidou grins, and kisses her sternum.

“Do you see how he looks at you?”

“I’m not blind, Raidou.”

“Because that is how you look at him. Except you are prettier.” Raidou moves up, hovering over her, nibbling along the shadow of her collarbone. Kurenai’s chuckle dies in her throat and becomes a sigh.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” She touches the side of his face, so that he has to look her in the eye. She looks a little nervous, but Raidou smiles.

“You were always going to turn away from me.” He fails to disguise the sadness in his voice. “I just want you to know that it is okay, that I will be fine.” She bites her lip, because she wants to avoid looking at the truth. She doesn’t want her mother to be right. _Someone’s heart will have to break_ her mother had said.

“I’m not leaving you, Raidou.” Her eyes begin to tear up, and she thumps her hand against his chest. She looks at all the scars, pale silver to angry pink. She swallows. “I won’t leave you.” Raidou looks at her with a softness that she didn’t know he was capable of.

“I’m still going to be your best friend. But this will have to stop.” Kurenai pouts. Raidou kisses her forehead, and then each of her eyelids. “We both know he doesn’t share,” he whispers. Kurenai puts her hands on his face, so that she can look into Raidou’s face once more, since they won’t be like this ever again. She does know Asuma. He won’t let her pass him by, now that he knows she likes him too.

“You will always be my pack.” Raidou smiles at her words.

“Always,” he runs a knuckle under the lavender of her right under eye. “But I think whatever is about to happen might be for the better.” Kurenai looks like she will cry, and Raidou think he might, so he decides to try a joke.

“You know, if anything happens—" cutting him off, Kurenai speaks up.

“You will take me to the clinic?” Raidou smiles.

“I was going to say that I will stop just short of killing him, but yeah, that too.” They both laugh, and Raidou drops back down to beside her. She turns to lie on her side, and presses her face into his side, draping an arm of his chest.

“One last time, for posterity?” They both really start laughing.

“We don’t have to stop until you two are exclusive.” He kisses the top of her head, hugging her back.

“I don’t think he would see things that way.” Raidou opens his mouth to reply, but she starts kissing him. He thinks about breaking away, but he doesn’t want to, knowing that this is their last time. He knows that simply knowing that this is the last time is a rare gift. Maybe they can make it perfect, like a movie that starts with two people saying good-bye.

He is running his hands down along her stomach when there is a knock at the door. They try to ignore it, thinking it is just a drunk Genma, but it is more persistent than he would be. Raidou sighs, getting up and pulling on his underwear. He goes up to the door, ignoring Kurenai’s low whine.

He opens the door to a masked face and a scroll. The look on his face must be bad, because he gets a _sorry_ before the figure disappears in a swirl of leaves. Raidou opens the scroll in the hall, just as Genma and Kakashi come back for the after party. Inside the room, Kurenai is silent. Anxiety builds in her, knowing that Raidou is about to be ripped from her. The last time always sneaks up on you.

“Want to put some clothes on and join us?” Genma, a delightful drunk, shouts out to Raidou. From the assassin’s posture, Kakashi can tell that whatever is in that scroll is deeply unwelcome. Genma, breaking into a whistle, scoots over to his door and unlocks it. Kakashi slows down, eyeing the scroll. Raidou looks the closest to crushed that Kakashi can remember seeing him, other than the time his brother died.

“No rest for the wicked, huh?” Raidou looks up at Kakashi with a pained look, before he looks over his shoulder into the dark room. Kakashi knows that look. It was the last thing Obito and Rin had taught him. Raidou doesn’t say anything.

“I’ll check on her. No funny business.” Raidou gives Kakashi a grateful nod, and he heads back into the room, closing the door. Kakashi stands outside, long enough to hear the unmistakable beginnings of a sob. 

**

Raidou simply hands Kurenai the scroll. Her eyes are already puffy. She takes it from him, and she lets out a strangled sob when she reads it.

“They want you to do _what_?” Kurenai can’t believe it. The irony is just too much.

“It’s a job.”

“It’s a hit.”

“Well, that is my _job_.” Raidou looks for his clothes in the dark. Kurenai, trying not to cry, crosses her arms and looks out the window.

“I can’t believe we were interrupted like this so you could go kill someone’s mistress.” Kurenai looks at the scroll with disgust.

“She is threatening to cause an international incident.” Raidou mutters, pulling up his pants. They both know it means she will have her own hired protection. Probably from another shinobi village. Raidou will most likely face more than one guard. If the target is smart, she will have hired at least five. And Raidou is expected to get through them all, and kill her. It’s dangerous, even for an experienced assassin like him.

Then again, they all have a dangerous job. He is thirty-two, well over the average life expectancy of a ninja. Every year beyond twenty-seven is a gift. He tugs on his shirt, and he lets Kurenai cry softly while he gets his sandals on. When he is done, he turns to her.

She has wrapped the comforter around her body, and she hugs her legs. Her hair is messy, and she is sniffling. Her eyes are even more red, and Raidou sighs. If he had his way, he would never have to leave. But alas, that wasn’t the timeline they were born in. He picks up the scroll, tucking it into his pocket.

He leans down and kisses the top of her head. He turns around, picking up his cloak. He turns for one last look, but she is standing right behind him. She looks unreal in the moonlight, the truest silver. She is trying to smile, but she can’t hide the sadness in her eyes.

“That wasn’t a kiss.” She pouts, and leans up to kiss him again, for real this time. This is, after all, the last time they will be together like this, and even if it is for the better it still sucks. He hugs her close, and the material of his cloak chafes her nipples. He pulls back and puts his hand on her cheek. She smiles, glumly.

“Kakashi said he’d come check on you later. Please let him.” Raidou whispers. His body is heavy, like he can’t turn away. Her smile is dull, resigned.

“Be safe, please.” She looks up at him, and her eyes burn into him. Raidou gives her a half-smile.

“I won’t disappoint you.”

“You never have,” she replies, and she starts crying again. Raidou, somehow, steps back, and turns away. Kurenai, sobbing, shuts her eyes. She stands in the middle of her room, completely naked, shaking from her crying. Raidou tears his eyes away, and locking the door from the inside, he steps out into the hall.

He heads towards the exit, and Asuma, with his hands in his pockets, walks by Raidou. Asuma can tell something is wrong, but he knows better than to ask.

“Missing one of Genma’s parties?”

“You mean his pretense for getting Anko to spend time with him?” Raidou’s response is bitter, but it makes Asuma laugh.

“Duty called?” Asuma looks at Raidou with sympathy. Raidou is not blind, and neither is Asuma. Kurenai and Raidou had been best friends since they were genin. They were all jounin now, but in a lot of fundamental ways, they were all still kids. Raidou permits himself a sullen nod. Asuma nods back, the way men do.

“Come back, okay?” Asuma starts walking again, not bothering to look back at Raidou. He knows Raidou well enough that he will just nod and soldier on.

That’s the thing with Raidou. He always gets the job done.

**

Kurenai hears the click of the lock, but she just stands there, crying. She crumples into a ball, holding herself. She passes twenty minutes like this crying.

She feels a draft, and a leaf grazes her spine before the comforter is thrown over her. Indignant, she wraps the blanket around her and turns around the see Kakashi standing behind her.

“You look like shit.” She is so pathetic looking, he doesn’t even blush at her nudity. Kurenai doesn’t even have the energy to scowl.

“Weren’t you supposed to knock?” Kurenai stands up, making sure the comforter is wrapped around her body. She doesn’t look at him, instead, looking for clothes.

“I was going to, but then I remembered the time Raidou complained about you forgetting to lock your door,” Kakashi turns around before she drops the comforter to put on a black robe. When he turns back, she is wiping her tears away. Her robe ends at her mid-thigh, and in any other circumstances, Kakashi would have made a joke about it.

“Sorry for all of this,” she steps towards her kettle, checking the water.

“It’s no trouble,” he scratches his cheek, looking at her stereo. “I can hangout, if you don’t want to be alone.” He turns around and flops onto her bed.

Kurenai turns around and smiles at him. Kakashi can’t get over how she is almost even prettier after crying than she usually is.

“Thanks. It might not be a bad idea to not be alone.” She rubs her lips together. “This was supposed to be our last time.” Her eyes well up with tears, and she looks at Kakashi, trembling.

“I figured.” She starts crying again, and he walks over to her. He pulls her to him, wrapping one arm around her neck and stacking the other on top of it, so she sobs into his chest. His chin is on her head.

“I shouldn’t be crying like this.” She doesn’t stop, though.

“You got cheated out of your moment.” He doesn’t judge her, not for reacting the way anyone would. He moves a hand down to rub her back, the way his dad did when he cried.

“I’m selfish.” She feels the rumble of Kakashi’s laugh.

“Here I was, thinking you were crying over Raidou, when you just wanted to get me alone,” Kakashi steps back, and Kurenai can’t help but laugh. There is a quick beat of silence between them, before Kakashi speaks.

“He is going to come back. You know that, right?” Kurenai bites her lip.

“He was sent to eliminate some ex-mistress with classified state secrets,” she crosses her arms, staring right into Kakashi’s soul, “she probably hired shinobi for protection as well.”

“We are all used to shitty odds.”

“But,” Kurenai looks away, “I would die without him, and it feels like he won’t really come back to me, even if he succeeds and returns to the village.” Kakashi cocks his head, and puts an arm on her shoulder.

“Kurenai, who else is going to make sure you don’t leave your door unlocked or burn this place down by accident. Genma?” Kurenai starts laughing, like, really laughing, and she hugs Kakashi again.

She makes them both tea after, and she is so grateful for his company, that she agrees to take his dogs on a walk for him the next morning.

**

This mission is going to take a while. Surveillance, infiltration, execution, withdrawal. It will easily take three months. He has been doing this a long time, and he has become good at estimating how long it will take him to accomplish a hit. Assassinations require patience and discretion, and if this lady is smart, she will be anticipating someone like him coming along.

As he moves through the trees, he thinks about what he said to Kurenai. He said he was okay with her leaving because it seemed like the right thing to do. Gracefully bow out. Resignation to the inevitable. He doesn’t really know how he feels, in the sense that he doesn’t want to think about it. Raidou has worked very hard to perfect the art of not looking at himself. It’s the only way he knows how to survive.

Self-delusion is his greatest indulgence, and not for the first time, it occurs to him that he has gone out of his way to act like everything is okay. Because if everything is okay, nothing needs to change. But Kurenai wants something not just different, but _more_ —the kind of things Raidou isn’t convinced he can give her. They all have dangerous jobs, but Raidou’s is especially risky. Murdering people for a living comes at a cost, and one of these days, he may get caught or identified.

He is always living on borrowed time, and it wouldn’t be fair to drag Kurenai or children into it. Asuma always fights for the good guys, doing the right thing. Raidou is simply dispatched to kill, for reasons that are usually petty and unjustifiable. The client told his girlfriend state secrets, but she is the one who needs to die? It’s not fair, but he is paying a lot of money to make her go away.

Nonetheless, a very selfish part of him wants Kurenai, in the absolute and complete sense of the word. To wake up next to her every day and go back to her at night. Babies. A life without haunting or pain. Sleeping with the windows open and door unlocked because he isn’t afraid of the day someone finds out that he is the one who dispatched their loved one. A life without fear. Raidou is always afraid and he doesn’t know any other way to be. Kurenai deserves better, but he still wants her.

He sighs wondering what he will come back to. Raidou shakes his head. How much can happen in three months? Turns out, a lot.

**

Kurenai tilts her head, watching Asuma fidget with his lighter. He finally asked her on a date, and they decided to go get a cup of coffee. It’s basic, but here they are. Starting slow and small, the way real adults do. Asuma swears as he accidentally burns himself. Kurenai laughs, which makes him glare and her laugh harder. Genma always called her cruel, but she simply said she could appreciate how _deeply funny_ life is.

Like, here she is on a date with a guy who she likes and is attracted to. Asuma is serious about his future, and he has vision. They have the same job, similar goals. Despite all the shitty things that happen to him, he believes that the world is ultimately a beautiful place and that people are inherently good, or at least, not evil or mean until circumstances push them into it. He is tall and handsome. Up until he burnt himself with his own lighter, things were silk between them.

Like, he is a Libra, she is a Gemini. They are practically fated.

But the kicker is that none of this feels like destiny. She has already had an epic romance, all the big fizzy feelings with a malcontent hitman, who guts her with a look and makes her see stars being born when he is inside her. Like, here she is, sitting across from Mr. Right after experiencing what _absolute rightness_ feels like with Raidou. You have to admit, it is pretty fucking funny, in a twisted way.

“You’re kinda mean,” Asuma says, like it would hurt her feelings. She smiles.

“I prefer twisted, but I take your point,” she drawls, picking up her coffee.

“Do you like how it feels?” he asks, smirking. Kurenai shrugs.

“It’s just how I am,” she replies. Asuma nods.

“Want to hear a pun?” he asks.

“Do I want to hear a pun?” she asks in a mocking voice. He rolls his eyes.

“The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.” He says. Kurenai laughs so hard that coffee comes out of her nose.

**

Raidou always misses Kurenai on missions. But this is worse. He is camping tonight, and he looks in the flames for the answers. He told her to go, that he knew she would leave him one day. Raidou wraps his arms around his knees. He has a lot of feelings, and in a lot of ways, he can’t comprehend them. He turns to look at the notebook beside him, a pen on top. Raidou decides to stop taking pity on himself and opens it up.

Raidou wants to write her a letter, like she has always asked him to. He thinks he was wrong. He feels more for her then he thought possible. All the deep, impossible things. He feels a deep, soul ache for her. Raidou isn’t ready for it to be over, and maybe he never was.

He writes this, and more, down. But he doesn’t want to be selfish, and it has only been two weeks. He keeps the letter in his pocket. He will regret not sending it.

**

It has been nine years since Kurenai had sex with anyone other than Raidou. She doesn’t even know if she is capable of having sex with someone else, but after two dates, she decides that she is ready to try. Anko asked her if she was waiting two dates to be professional, but Kurenai has shrugged in response. If Raidou actually broke her, she will happily crawl back to him. She smirks to herself, think about bending over for Raidou and asking for punishment. It makes her feel _hot_.

Their relationship happens on her time, so Kurenai straddles Asuma as he holds her hips down. He is better at kissing then she had expected, and her spine tingles as she presses herself to him. Her dress is unzipped, and she peeled the top half off before giving up. She banishes all thoughts of being punished by Raidou, trying to stay in the moment as Asuma starts touching her. _I’ve been left all alone and I need to be touched_. She sighs into his mouth, her hands on either side of his face. He is going to give her beard burn, but she doesn’t mind right now. In fact, it seems like a fair price to pay for her orgasm.

Asuma isn’t a particularly complex person, but that isn’t a bad thing. She doesn’t need him to be more than a regular guy. She wants good and stable and thoughtful and present, all things which Raidou also is. But, more than anything, she wants a future. To be with someone who wants the same things as her. Asuma thinks life is beautiful, even when it is ugly.

Raidou is a fatalist: things are destined to be what they are, so why change them? Kurenai always disagreed with him. Having sex with Raidou always felt like it was fate, but he never took joy in affirming its existence. It always bummed her out. But Asuma? She is choosing him, and she can tell that it makes him happy to simply be chosen. That their time together will be marked by happiness, that he will look forward to the future with her. For that alone, she will always choose him.

**

Genma and Kurenai stand in the empty apartment as she signs the lease. She could have brought someone else to look at apartments, but next to Raidou, Genma knows her the best. Asuma has been inside her a few times, but that’s not enough to take him to look at places to live.

Genma paces around the empty living room. “So, you’re really leaving the barracks.”

“It’s time to grow up.” She murmurs, frowning at a particular clause. If Raidou were here, he would look at all the paperwork for her.

“You could always move back into your parents’ place.” He looks up at the ceiling.

“It’s too big,” she murmurs. Genma tucks his hands into his pockets and looks at her.

Kurenai seems older. He knows she is happy with Asuma, but Genma is even more aware than she is that their relationship is just as much about settling down as it is mutual attraction.

“Raidou should be here,” he says, “he is better at this kind of thing. He knows you the best. He could walk into an apartment and tell you whether or not it was the right one.” Kurenai doesn’t look up. She does bite her lip.

“Raidou can troubleshoot like a motherfucker.” She smiles as she says this, her voice warm as she says his name.

“Only for you.” Genma drawls. “He loves you the best.” Kurenai looks out the window.

“He hasn’t sent a letter or called,” she says quietly. “He never does.” Genma looks at her with a frown.

“He always comes home to you.” Genma says. “You going to tell him?”

“Not until he comes back.”

“He’s going to be mad when he comes back and everything is different.” Genma says, “you know that, right?”

“I don’t care,” she sighs. She is done living her life at Raidou’s convenience. Genma snorts.

“You’re a fucking liar.” He replies. “Lying to Asuma, Raidou I understand. But yourself? Me?” Kurenai shrugs.

“We’ve all got to grow up sometime.” She looks over the lease again, before signing it. It feels like she is signing her future away.

A two-bedroom apartment in the heart of Konoha. Kurenai smiles at Genma. _I’m a big girl now_. He snorts and says lunch is on him.

**

Everything is finite and nothing lasts forever. Raidou hugs himself under his cloak, walking down the hall towards Kurenai’s room. Everyone has an end; you just don’t know when it will come. _Or when you reach the end_ , he supposes. No one tells an empire that it is ending. It just does. Endless cycles: birth, life, death. Finitude is the rule of life. Ironically enough, finitude is the one thing without end.

 _Ha ha ha_ , he thinks. _Maybe I could have been a philosopher_.

Raidou strides down the hall. He walks heavily, knowing Kurenai can recognize his footfalls from feeling them reverberate. She told him it was her favorite way to find out he was back. Feeling him in the soles of her bare feet. He quickens his pace, and he smiles before he knocks on the door. He knocks once, twice. No answer.

He frowns and tests the door. It’s locked. _Since when does Kurenai lock her door?_ Raidou looks around, trying to swallow the uneasy feeling sitting on his tongue. He knocks again, and he hears a door open. Genma hangs his head out of his door.

“Hey,” Genma says. Raidou smiles, but it falls when he sees the look on Genma’s face. He only looks that way when he is about to tell Raidou something he doesn’t want to hear.

“I’m looking for Kurenai,” Raidou says, as if it weren’t obvious. Genma’s mouth twitches.

“No, _how are you_?” Genma asks.

“You’re alive. That’s all I need to know,” Raidou drawls. Genma snorts, and then he sighs.

“Kurenai moved out.” He delivers the news in a professional way, like the doctor who told Raidou that his brother died.

“What?” Raidou asks. Genma shrugs.

“Something about wanting to be a big girl.” He sighs, “I told her to wait for you.” Raidou taps his knuckles against the door, biting his lip.

“Is she with Asuma now?” he asks, looking away. Genma’s mouth twitches.

“Yeah.”

“Are they happy?” Raidou asks. It’s only been three months. Things weren’t supposed to be this way. Three months isn’t long but it’s a quarter of the year. A whole trimester.

“He didn’t go with her to look at apartments, if that’s what you’re asking,” Genma says. Raidou looks somewhere between dead and dying. It’s all in the way he refuses to look up, the way his jaw ticks.

“Where is she?” he asks. Genma frowns.

“You’re going to behave, right?” he asks. He remembers the last time Raidou and Asuma exchanged blows. It had been after Raidou’s brother died. Raidou had a black eye and a busted lip, but he broke Asuma’s nose before they were dragged apart. _What would you two do to each other for Kurenai?_ Genma thinks.

“I always behave the best way the situation dictates,” Raidou gives a non-answer. Genma clucks his tongue, deciding it is none of his business.

“I think she’s out with the genin. Chunnin exams are coming up.” Genma leans in the doorway. “Kakashi and I are going to go hang out, if you want to join us.” Genma says. Raidou shakes his head.

“I want to see her first.” Raidou fidgets. “I need to see her.” Raidou runs a hand through his hair. Genma nods.

“Okay,” he says.

Raidou turns on his heel and leaves the building. He lets his instinct guide him and ends up at the training grounds. He is wearing his cloak, and his katana is strapped to his back. His hands are in his pockets, and he sucks on his bottom lip. The letter is burning a hole in his pocket, and he can’t help but feel like he is already too late.

When he gets to the training grounds, he lets out a long sigh and looks around. He spies Kurenai, who is speaking to a gaggle of four girls. They are all young, about twelve. There is a bouncy blonde girl squabbling with a loud girl with pink hair. There is a girl with buns on either side of her head, speaking with Kurenai. There is a girl with short, dark hair and moon eyes fidgeting. He sees Kurenai first, so he whistles.

Kurenai knows that sound anywhere. When she looks up and sees him, it takes everything in her not to run over to him. But she has genin and a boyfriend now. She can’t jump on Raidou without reason. As he walks over across the field, Kurenai notices how all the girls watch him. _That’s what a man looks like_ , she thinks. They are all still too young to understand and Kurenai is impatient to see him. She utters a quiet goodbye and walks over to Raidou. She pulls her hair back, exposing the long line of her neck.

“Kurenai,” he murmurs. Never before has he more desperately wanted to kiss her in public. She smiles up at him.

“Raidou,” she replies.

“You moved out,” he doesn’t beat around the bush. He juts his chin, the way his father would. Kurenai wants to run the tip of her tongue along its underside. She swallows.

“I needed a change,” she replies, as they head back to the village.

“You never mentioned that kind of change,” he says. Kurenai crosses her arms, looking away from him.

“Just because I don’t talk about something doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it,” she says, “I’m twenty-seven.”

“You speak like you’re thirty,” he says. She pouts.

“I will be, soon.” She drawls, “and then I’ll be old and ugly, and no one will want me anymore.” Raidou laughs.

“Old and ugly happens at forty, Kurenai,” he says, “and I’ll never not want you.” Raidou doesn’t think about what he says when he is with her. Kurenai looks up at him, and she resists the urge to touch him. She looks back over her shoulder at the girls, who are staring at his back.

“Speaking of wanting,” she smirks, turning around. “I am pretty sure you just served as their collective sexual awakening.” Raidou frowns.

“They’re fucking twelve.” He says, “shouldn’t they be thinking about ponies or something?” Kurenai laughs.

“That’s how old I was when I decided I wanted to hump your leg.” She says. Raidou wrinkles his nose.

“That’s gross,” he replies. Kurenai cackles.

“But I didn’t do it!” She says, as if it were somehow better. “Besides, it’s only looking back that I knew what those feelings mean. When I was twelve, I just wanted you. I couldn’t articulate it or understand it, but that’s what it was.” Raidou sighs.

“It’s stupid to choose me,” he says, “I’m an ugly motherfucker who never has anything nice to say.”

“That’s not true,” she says, “you’re handsome.” If asked to explain, Kurenai would say that Raidou has the kind of face that makes her feel all the big, expansive things that fizzed and made the universe possible.

“I’m handsome according to four twelve-year old girls and their crazy teacher.” Raidou sniffs, “it is deeply unflattering, actually.”

“Unflattering?” Kurenai snorts. She hasn’t met a man, other than Genma, who doesn’t want her attention. Raidou nods.

“I would put depressing in there too,” he adds. She smiles.

“What’s wrong with being the person who shows someone what attraction feels like?” she asks.

“You mean the god bearing imagine?” he asks. Kurenai cackles. Raidou winces.

“You are my god bearing image,” she teases, “I look at you and think to myself that god must exist, if someone so handsome and smart and dreamy and good with his hands exists in the world.” Kurenai looks right into his eyes, and Raidou is happy to see that they still glimmer the same.

“Good with my hands?” he asks in a rumbly voice. Kurenai nods. “How good?”

She knows she has a boyfriend but Kurenai tells herself that Raidou is an exception. Asuma would understand. She and Raidou are always like this, it can’t be helped.

“So good that sometimes, when I’m all alone and I’m touching myself, I pretend it’s you.” She grins, and Raidou stiffens.

“Just me?” he asks. Kurenai nods.

“You impacted my psycho-sexual development,” she drawls, “you’re the god bearing image and you set the standard for my type.”

“Oh,” he says, “I’m all those things?”

“And more,” Kurenai sighs. Raidou looks at her as she stares off ahead.

“So how are Asuma and I alike?” he asks, “if I set the type and he is it, what is it, exactly?” Kurenai makes a pinched expression.

“Asuma isn’t the type, so much as an acceptable shadow of it,” she says quietly. Raidou frowns.

“That’s a mean thing to say,” he replies.

“It’s the truth,” she says. They are walking on a busy street, and Raidou is careful not to look at her. He is ashamed to admit this but hearing her say that about Asuma gives him _hope_. Raidou bites the lining of his cheek. “Raidou?” she asks, wondering if she said something wrong.

“I’m not engaging,” he says, hating himself. She was probably just joking anyway.

“You’re still talking to me,” she replies. Raidou looks up and spots Genma and Kakashi; his jaw relaxes. He has found a way out.

“Starting now, I’m not.” He quickens his pace to walk ahead of her. She shouts behind him, but he ignores her.

Genma and Kakashi look up when they hear her shouting, and neither are surprised to see her yelling at Raidou. Kurenai catches up to Raidou just as he gets to them.

“Hey!” She exclaims.

“Did you two hear something?” Raidou asks. Kakashi blinks, while Genma looks at the water in his water bottle.

“I heard a pathetic attempt to ignore Kurenai.” Genma drawls, “Kakashi?”

“I was hoping to be left out of it,” he replies in his bored, silver voice. Genma nods.

“Is that a good enough answer for you two?” he asks. Raidou shrugs.

He really regrets not sending that letter.

**

His first night home, Raidou can’t sleep. He hasn’t spent a night in Konoha without the warm weight of Kurenai beside him since…well, he can’t really remember, actually. So, he decides to get dressed, go to a bar and find someone to take her place. He gets quite drunk and picks up a civilian from a neighbouring village. She is here, visiting her aunt.

Raidou doesn’t care, but he does listen. When she asks him about his life, he shrugs and says he is in the forces and just got home. She calls him a hero and he doesn’t correct her, even though he rammed his sword through an innocent woman’s heart a week ago. Raidou gives her the same smile he gave his victim, except this seduction was for actual sex instead of the pretense of.

It’s fine, fun even. She comes twice, and he fakes it. Or maybe they both fake it. He doesn’t really remember. She gets up, looking for her clothes. “You know you’re broken, right?” she asks. Raidou laughs.

“Keenly.” He rumbles, sitting up, watching her search for her panties.

“I can’t fix you,” she drawls. He shrugs.

“I didn’t ask you to.” Nothing can fix him. Raidou doesn’t even know if he is capable of the deep inner reflection required to change. Just because he can ask himself the question doesn’t mean he can actually do it. The human mind can conceptualize a lot of things without actually being able to apprehend them. He doesn’t even know if there is something to fix, in the sense that he is 90% sure that there is nothing inside to look at.

Raidou is certain that he is a dead thing.

**

One of the funny things about world is that people do things against their best interests all the time, and then blame other people rather than the system that set them up. Authoritarianism, capitalism, fascism and Americanism all rely on the fact that, nine times out of ten, people prefer the stability of being oppressed than the instability that would be needed for people to go after what they really and truly want. Why else would you choose to live in this miserable world as is, if you weren’t looking for a boot to the neck?

Raidou thinks about this as he fingers the letter in his pocket. He is too paranoid to leave it in his room but too sentimental to burn it. _Dearest Kurenai…_ what was he thinking? When did he ever call her ‘dearest’? It seemed like the right choice at the time, but now it makes him cringe.

He holds onto the letter, but he avoids Kurenai as much as possible. Raidou stays away from parties, bars, the outdoors in general, and he has perfected the smile and wave when he does see her. He isn’t ignoring her, so much as he is trying to find a way at looking at her without thinking about all the women he has tried to replace her with.

He can tell from the wrinkle in her forehead and the frown on her face, which he notices even from a distance, that his distance bothers her. He did tell her that he would be okay, but he now knows that he didn’t really think she would commit to leaving him so quickly. Is it really betrayal when you simply find out that something makes you feel differently than you had originally predicted it would? Raidou doesn’t think so.

**

The worst thing to ever happen to Raidou was the death of his brother. A part of him died when he saw his brother’s body for the last time. His soul was already long gone, leaving behind their parents’ house, a shitty car and a gangrenous leg. The smell will stay with Raidou forever.

He woke up this morning, opened a carton of milk from the fridge and took a sip. He immediately spat it back out, rubbing his tongue against his front teeth and grimacing. Not just sour; but spoiled. Raidou checks the side of carton, and blinks at the fact that it was two weeks past the expiry date. He can’t remember the last time food spoiled in his fridge and he didn’t notice.

“Fuck,” he says to himself, looking at the milk and spittle at his feet. He shakes his head and steps over the mess, towards the sink. He pours the milk down the drain, and as he does so, he remembers that the last time he went through this, his brother had died.

Living without Kurenai isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened to him. But it is a close second.

**

If asked, Kurenai would say that things with Asuma are going well. They are mostly happy together, and they’ve said _I love you_ after four months, as planned. Kurenai has decided that she really means it, although, if she meant it, there would be nothing to decide. She shakes her head, dismissing the thought. She looks up at Asuma, who is puffing on a cigarette.

“You know that you taste like an ash tray, right?” she asks. Asuma rolls his eyes.

“You still kiss me.” He drawls. Something she has learned about him is that he truly has no time or patience for her, admittedly, bratty behavior.

“What if I stopped kissing you?” she hums. Asuma smiles at that one.

“I don’t think that will happen anytime soon,” he tucks his hands into his pockets, looking around them.

Asuma has a really nice jaw. He has a lot of handsome attributes, but his jaw is his nicest one. It balances out the rest of his face, and it makes him look like a man. Kurenai is reasonably self-aware: you don’t spend nine years of your life with Raidou only to end up with a man with a weak chin and narrow shoulders. She loves Asuma, like, really, but not totally. Raidou will always have a piece of her heart.

“But what if it did?” she asks, “what if I woke up one day and told you that I wouldn’t kiss you again unless you quit smoking?” she asks. Asuma frowns, and she can tell that he is thinking through his answer. _How much do you love me? Do you really want me?_ If it were Raidou, he would tell her that he would change his locks. In reality, Raidou would flush his cigarettes down the toilet and start chomping on nicotine gum like his life depended on it. Her taunts never failed to get a rise out of him.

“Well,” Asuma starts, “I guess it would be over.”

“Over?” she asks. “You don’t love me enough to quit?”

“You don’t love me enough to take me as is?” he rumbles. Kurenai _hmmmphs_ , making Asuma smile.

Asuma is great, because he is laid-back and minds his own business. He has a sense of self-preservation. He wanted her for a long time, and is, apparently, in love with her. However, Asuma will never get lost in Kurenai the way Raidou would. She kind of misses making him lost.

**

The truth of his behavior eludes Raidou. No woman compares to Kurenai. No matter how much sex he has, Raidou hasn’t felt any intimacy since he was last with Kurenai. He sits at the picnic table with Kakashi, who is reading a book, and Genma, who is sitting on the table. They were going to have lunch, but none of them are hungry. Genma and Raidou are both rundown from missions, and Kakashi’s genin have been slowly chipping away at his sanity. _I just need to spend time with adults_ , he had told them.

So here they are, sitting at a table and not talking. Raidou glowers around, when he spots a woman across the park. Recognizing her from last week, he hopes that she doesn’t come up to say hi. She doesn’t, but she does wave at him. Raidou waves back, turning up the corners of his mouth into the shadow of a smile, but it’s not a real smile. But you can’t tell that from a distance. Genma and Kakashi look over, and smirk.

“She’s pretty,” Genma says. Raidou shrugs.

“She was from last week,” Raidou yawns, rubbing his eyes. Genma snorts, and Kakashi tilts his head.

“You look pretty tired.” Kakashi says.

“I’ve been working a lot,” he says, “you know how it is.”

“Do you even know her name?” Genma asks. Raidou sighs.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” he says. He goes out of his way not to use names. There is only one name at the forefront of his mind, and there is only one woman who has it. “You don’t need to know their names.” Kakashi whistles, and Genma laughs.

“ _Fuck_ , that is so much worse than I thought it would be.” He chomps on his senbon. The noise of tooth on metal grates on Raidou’s nerves.

“So how do you remember her?” Kakashi asks, “I’m curious from a schematic point of view.”

“She’s a girl I met at a bar,” he shrugs, “I group girls by where I meet them. Bars, streets, parks, that kind of thing.”

“You’ve met girls in parks?” Genma asks. He knows Raidou is attractive but recently, he has been able to turn any outing into an opportunity for sex.

“You can meet girls anywhere if you are hungry enough,” he says, scratching his face with the nail of his thumb.

“Hungry, huh?” Kakashi says, “do you ever feel full?” Raidou lets out a cold, mean laugh.

_Never._

**

Kurenai isn’t blind. She can see that Raidou is suffering. Genma hasn’t said anything directly to her, but she knows about the jokes he makes with Asuma and Kakashi. _Big Bad Raidou plowing through all the puss in Konoha_. Kurenai doesn’t say anything, but it worries her. She is in love, and happy, and she wants that for Raidou.

At least, sitting across from him, that is what she tells herself. That she is here out of concern. She won’t lie and claim that she isn’t also curious to see if he is still attracted to her. She is still attracted to him, and she wants to see if the charge is still there, even after all this time. Kurenai is in love with Asuma, but he is not Raidou.

The point is that, while the curiosity is there, it is outweighed by concern. Really.

They sit across from each other at the restaurant. She pops a dumpling into her mouth, as he waves his stick of dumplings up and down. He looks bored. They have already been through the boilerplate of _how’ve you been_ and _what are you doing now_.

They haven’t discussed his exploits or her relationship. They talk around it, but Kurenai, who is, lest it be forgotten, very concerned, knows that she has to bite the bullet.

“Have you been seeing anyone?” she asks, mouth full. The words come out garbled, but Raidou has known her for her entire life. He could decode her babble even if he were deaf, such is the depth of their bond. He hums to himself, trying to think of the best way to tell her that he sleeps with almost every available woman he meets.

“I’ve been around,” he replies. “Nothing serious.” Kurenai swallows, and she frowns at him.

“Raidou,” she says, “I know you’ve gotten through all of Konoha.”

“All of Konoha includes all genders and ages, and I can safely say that I have only slept with women who range from the ages of twenty-two to thirty-seven.” Raidou finally bites into a dumpling.

“Were you going to tell me?” she asks, “I’m really concerned for you.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“I fail to see the problem.” He chews, “I’m having fun.” He actually feels like he has aged horribly in the span of a few months. He hasn’t properly slept since he went on the hit that took him away from Kurenai.

Even worse than every woman failing to be Kurenai, is that he approaches them all the same way he approached the woman he murdered. The rakish smile, buying a drink, whispering into an ear. It ends differently with the other women, but his gut always clenches until he gets past the moment where he slammed his sword into her.

“You aren’t okay,” Kurenai says. “You don’t look like you have been sleeping.” Raidou shrugs.

“They use me, I use them. It is a simple transaction.” He swallows. Kurenai sets her dumplings down and sets her palms down on the table. He steels himself for the Big Truth she is going to deliver.

“Raidou, I don’t want you to stagnate or become a placeholder.” She says with complete sincerity.

“Stagnate? That’s a new one,” he scoffs.

“What else should I call it?” she asks, “you are clearly going through something.”

“I don’t know. Getting over it.” He sighs. Raidou is already _over_ this conversation.

“Raidou!” She hisses, slamming a palm onto the table.

“What, Kurenai?” his voice rises, and people are looking at their table. “It means nothing and last I checked, I’m not accountable to you anymore.” Kurenai narrows her eyes and leans into him from across the table.

“You don’t have sex like that,” she says in a low voice, “you are someone who likes having feelings.” Raidou leans back and rubs his hands against his face, laughing.

“Well shit, Kurenai, sex is different with other people.” He says, “and maybe I like not having feelings. Did you consider that?”

“Raidou,” she says, “we were together for nine years.”

“We weren’t _together_ ,” he says, “you weren’t my girlfriend.” He clings onto this, hoping that it will make him feel better. Kurenai grimaces, her face twisting.

“We only slept with each other for nine years,” her voice becomes shrill at the end. It is then that Raidou decides it’s time to leave. He pulls a few bills out of pocket and slams them on the table.

“Look, I don’t want to sit here and talk about this. I’ll see you around Kurenai.” He gets up, ignoring the pinched look on her face. He picks up his dumplings and takes them with him, for the simple satisfaction of hurling something in a trash can when he leaves the restaurant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Howdy! Bonjour!
> 
> Sorry for the wait. I had a few other ideas clogging the brain, and school/work have come for my neck. Anyways, here is chapter three! This is really where the plot kicks off; as you've figured, this is a love story between Raidou and Kurenai. I've added this to the same series as Roses, because all those stories are happening in the same universe. However, you do not need to read all of those stories--they all stand alone. Storms sort of stands out, because it doesn't deal with the main cast, with the exception of the fourth arc. 
> 
> Because this pic takes places over a huge chunk of time, I've decided to structure it in arcs, with several time skips. So, the first ten chapters are arc one, and occur during Naruto. The next ten chapters will occur during Shippuden. The next three will be a few years after the war. The next six chapters happen right at the conclusion of Roses, and the last chapter is another time skip. The first ten chapters of Storms are being filled in, and I will hopefully have them all up by December; the following twenty should be done in 2021. It is going to be a long haul, and I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this dumb word baby (I may have mentioned this before, but did you know the Raidou/Kurenai tag didn't exist before this story, but the Kurenai/Naruto one exists?!? IN WHAT WORLD).
> 
> Whatever. 
> 
> When Raidou thinks about how people always choose their own oppression, he is referencing Deleuze and Guattari. There are two songs that inspired this story. They are Garden Song by Phoebe Bridgers and Storms by Fleetwood Mac. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, and I hope to get chapter four up soon!


	4. A Fog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Pitiable Raidou or, Big Bad Raidou the Charity Case.

“So I will wait for the next time you want me/ Like a dog with a bird at your door”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Moon Song”

Asuma groans on the floor of Kurenai’s apartment. She still owns her parents’ house, and when she told Asuma that she wanted to move, he suggested that she go back there. She shrugged, replying that it would be weird to live in a big house by herself. 

She chose a nice place, with two bedrooms. One is a home office, and the other is her room. She has a big bookshelf, and a window with room to grow flowers. Kakashi and Guy had helped Asuma get her moved in. Genma refused in protest; he always said he liked Raidou the best, but it was all a lie. Kurenai was always his real favourite, and he only came to her new place to help assemble her new furniture.

In total, it had taken one day to move her things in, but another week to acquire all the furniture needed to make it feel like home. Months later, here they are.

Her bookshelf is full of various books, and of course, the music collection she continues to share with Raidou. Their stereo is in the far corner, and Kurenai puts up a little info sheet above it, explaining the system of organization. Asuma asks her why she even bothers with a system she can’t remember, but she gives him a stern look and says that it will endlessly annoy Raidou if she doesn’t keep things organized. _For when he comes back_. She says Raidou is like a chipmunk, storing his brother’s things in various places, so that if something happens to one place there is always another. Asuma turns to glare at the guitar in the corner, before looking back up at the ceiling.

Asuma looks up at her ceiling with narrowed eyes. _Raidou_. He causes problems, even in his absence. Asuma has really tried to be classy about the whole thing. He has a past too, but he doesn’t insist on keeping it in his present. Kakashi always tells him that she will eventually move on. Raidou, a habit much like Asuma’s cigarettes, is hard for her to give up. So Asuma is patient. He even gives in to their madness, only referring to Raidou’s brother as _Raidou’s brother_ , instead of his name, just like Kurenai and Raidou.

But she always seems distant, like she is holding herself back from him. He will ask her about a piece of music or a book, and she always catches herself before she mentions Raidou’s name and his connection to it. It is like he is a ghost, even though he is very much alive. Asuma doesn’t get it. He thought they were best friends, and that Raidou was fine with all of this.

But Raidou never comes by anymore, and Kurenai looks morose whenever she looks at the ink painting in her living room. It fucking sucks. She can be so completely present with Asuma, and then she sees that painting and withdraws. It makes him feel crazy, and it gets so bad that Asuma is tempted to actually seek his brother out for advice. He sighs, feeling his shoulders and hips fall further into the hardwood floor.

Kurenai is in her bedroom, reading through a few of her papers. Raidou has come back to the village, but not to her. She knew things wouldn’t go back to how they were, but he has been avoiding her ever since they went out for dumplings. _I’ll see you around Kurenai_. She has only seen him from a distance. It makes her whole body hurt.

She feels horrible, because she knows that she takes it out on Asuma. He wants to be close, and if possible, she wants to be closer, but love tastes like ash without Raidou. It makes her sick, and there have been times late at night where Asuma snores beside her and she runs to the bathroom, standing over the toilet until the feeling subsides. She sighs, packing the letters away into her nightstand.

She wears the giant Joy Division shirt that Raidou’s brother gave her before he died. It is the only actual gift he gave her. Everything else of his in her apartment was left in her care by Raidou.

Asuma’s giant body is sprawled on the floor, like a starfish. He has been smoking, and he looks half asleep. With the exception of his underwear, he is naked. The sun comes through the window, giving him an otherworldly glow. Kurenai smiles, putting her hair up in a ponytail, before walking to the kitchen.

“You could at least lie on the area rug,” she walks out, towards the kitchen. Asuma grunts, and she turns to him from the sink. “I imagine it would be more comfortable than the hardwood.”

“But I am repenting, Kurenai.” His voice is raspy, and she giggles.

“Oh, for what great sin are you repenting? To which god?” She turns the sink off, and she strides over to Asuma, wiggling her hips. He smiles at her, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Why, the god of this apartment. I can’t imagine he was too impressed by the way we fucked on the floor,” he grins, “and besides, it’s not like you cared about my comfort when you were on top.” Kurenai smirks, as she plops down beside him. He can tell she is only wearing the shirt, and despite his ambivalent feelings about her relationship with Raidou, he can’t deny that they have a good thing going on.

And, if he were asked, he would say that Kurenai probably agrees. She never looks absent when they make their familiar tie, and earlier today she made a noise that she swears she has never made before. However, he can no longer ignore the way Raidou lingers. He just needs to know a few things.

She is looking at him, eyes half-lidded and a gap in her lips. He looks up at the ceiling, because he doesn’t want to see the face she is about to make

“Were you ever in love with Raidou?” Asuma finally asks the question that he has always had. He feels Kurenai freeze up beside him. She is completely rigid, and he makes no move to soothe her. He doesn’t know about this, but her conversation with Raidou has been haunting her. _We were never together_. Nine years shot dead with those four words.

“He was never my boyfriend.” She shifts a few inches away from him and lies on her back to look at the ceiling as well.

“That wasn’t the question.” They are closer to thirty every day, and Asuma can see himself being with Kurenai forever. She needs to stop keeping secrets from him and acting like Raidou means less than he does. They can only move on if Kurenai and Raidou are honest with themselves and stop insisting that everything is okay. As the silence stretches between them, Asuma feels a small spark of outrage for Raidou. _Is this really the way you are going to treat your best friend and maybe more?_

The last time he had broached the subject, he asked if Raidou was like, well, her boyfriend. Kurenai had said no and initiated sex. Asuma hated her for it, because they fit so well together, and it is blasphemous to mix the sacred with the profane. But on the other hand, the sacred needs the profane to mean anything, while profanity exists all by itself.

Kurenai must know this, because she eventually sighs. Instead of reaching for Asuma, she sits up and looks down at him.

“Yes.” She looks away from Asuma, towards her toes. “He told me he always knew I was going to leave him, but I never thought I would.” She refuses to look at Asuma. If she did, she would see the kindness in his eyes that has always been there. She knows it is there, but she doesn’t feel worthy of kindness because she has been impossibly cruel _. Someone’s heart has to break_.

“I’m not going to tell you to not be jealous, or that I am not guilty, or that none of this is my fault, because it is, and you have every right to be upset.” She turns to look at him, her eyes burning. “But I am going to tell you that I choose you. I choose you and I would go back and make the same choice. That’s why Raidou doesn’t come by anymore; because he knows that I will choose to betray him, when it comes down to you two.” Kurenai looks away and gets up. She doesn’t actually know if that is the truth. It’s more the case that she hopes it is. Kurenai would _like_ to choose Asuma over Raidou, and that counts for something. She walks over to her window, opening it to let in some air. Asuma sits up, leaning back on his hands.

“It is you, for me too.” Kurenai smiles at him, and the light makes her look beautiful. Like a religious painting, where only the pure form of light can disclose the true magic of her nature. “You know, I liked you for a long time.” Asuma blurts it out. Kurenai looks out the window, towards the neighbouring houses.

“I know. But you left the village, and there was no way you sat on your hands looking at a wall the whole time.” Kurenai looks back at him, her arms crossed. “And back then, I couldn’t look away from Raidou. Even now, it is hard to look away from him.” She wonders if any of this hurts Asuma, but he is the one who wanted her to be honest. If she had her way, she would lie about her feelings for the rest of time. “I don’t know when my feelings for Raidou will go away, or if they ever will, but know this: I choose you now, and unless something really fucked up happens, that won’t change.” She looks back out the window, and they are silent. Asuma doesn’t feel great, but he isn’t wounded. It feels a lot better to know where he stands rather than trying to guess. Now he knows why Raidou stays away and Kurenai seems so distant. If it was always Asuma, she probably wants to go back and change things so they have more time. But, on the other hand, her time with Raidou was cut short and she wants that too. You always want more time, and Kurenai is greedy the way we all are.

Asuma lies back, and resumes staring at the ceiling while Kurenai looks outside. A few minutes go by, and suddenly there is a knock on her door. Kurenai goes to answer the door, and when she opens it, Genma stands there, looking impatient. She lets him in, and he nods at Asuma before he starts talking to Kurenai.

“Do you have it?” Genma asks with a note of desperation, and Kurenai rolls her eyes. She goes into her room and emerges with a few sunflowers. Asuma is confused, because there hadn’t been any flowers in her room before, and while he struggles to put two and two together, Genma tucks the flowers into his pocket and is out the door as quickly as he had appeared. Kurenai turns back, smirking at the look on Asuma’s face.

“It was a genjutsu. He wanted some condoms and didn’t want you to know.” She laughs at the look on Asuma’s face.

“How did you know that?”

“I lived next to him for years. How could I not know?” Kurenai grins, walking back over to Asuma.

“He did always call you crazy.”

“Crazy?”

“I’m thinking he meant is more like psychic than psycho.” Asuma cracks a smile, and Kurenai feels relief bloom in her chest.

“He is jealous because I’m prettier than him.” When she stands over Asuma, he grabs her ankle and she falls onto him.

Lying in a tangle of limbs, laughing, neither thinks that they have ever felt more at peace.

**

Genma frowns as he bites into an underripe pear. It’s a little sour, and the pulp is gritty with each chew. Kakashi sits next to him, reading a book. They sit in a comfortable silence, with the exception of Genma’s chewing, enjoying the nice weather. Genma jumps when Raidou thuds onto the bench next to him, without a hello. Kakashi, who figured he would show up eventually, doesn’t react.

“Hey,” Genma says. Raidou nods, ripping a sandwich out of its packaging. “Hungry?”

“Starved,” Raidou answers, taking a huge bite.

“You need to take better care of yourself,” Genma says, “starting off by taking small bites. Are you trying to choke?”

“Says the guy who always has a senbon in his mouth,” Kakashi drawls.

“It adds to my mystique,” Genma drawls. Kakashi snorts while Raidou smiles. The three of them sit there for ten, fifteen minutes when a woman walks by them.

She is tall, slim. A generic kind of pretty. However, her smile reveals a beauty that sort of radiates around her. Genma tilts his head, and then looks over at Raidou, who is returning her wave with his own. She turns her head, and Genma leans into Raidou.

“She’s really pretty,” he says. Raidou smirks.

“Yeah, she is.” He takes another bite of his sandwich. “I met her last week. We had a nice time.”

“I don’t know how you do it,” Genma sighs, “I mean, no offense, but you’re not a pretty guy.”

“Women like guys who look messed up,” he replies, “I’m a charity case.”

“Poor Pitiable Raidou has a ring to it,” Kakashi says, “but you never seemed like the kind of man who would weaponize his vulnerability.”

“Yeah, you’re the least vulnerable person I know,” Genma looks at his half-eaten pear, considering whether or not it would be wasteful to throw it out. “You will always be Big Bad Raidou to us.”

“That is such a stupid nickname,” Raidou says, “I swear, Anko came up with it just to fuck with me.”

“And it works,” Genma replies. “I wonder, do you even try and treat the women you sleep with like people?” Raidou smirks.

“Of course, I do,” he replies, “I treat them like sentient beings who have their own desires. It’s why they smile at me in public.” He takes another bite of his sandwich. “They don’t even mind when I look at them like I’ve seen them naked.” Usually, they want a repeat. He’s gotten good at figuring out how to make different women tick. The mind games he and Kurenai played are finally paying off.

“I have a question.” Kakashi drawls in his bored voice, “when are you going to start talking to Kurenai again? It’s annoying to have to go between you two.”

“Sorry for the inconvenience,” Raidou swallows his food.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Genma says, deciding to abandon the pear.

“Whatever,” Raidou says, “I’ll talk to her when I can get over the fact that she told me that I am stagnating and at risk of becoming a place holder for another woman by sleeping around.” Genma purses his lips, and Kakashi blinks.

“She actually said that to you?” Kakashi asks. Like all people, Kurenai is a complex person, but he has never known her to lack self-awareness.

“Yeah,” Raidou says, “now you know why I’m avoiding her.” Genma whistles.

“That’s pretty fucked up.” He says, “did she really say that?”

“Her exact words were: _Raidou, I don’t want you to stagnate or become a placeholder_ ,” he says in a mock girlish tone. He doesn’t get the pitch right, but he does capture the cadence of Kurenai’s ‘I-am-sincerely-concerned-for-you’ voice.

“What’s she doing with Asuma then?” Kakashi asks. Raidou shrugs.

“I guess he’s the love of her life,” he shrugs. “Nine fucking years.”

“You said you were fine with it,” Genma says, “I told you that you wouldn’t be, but did you listen?” Raidou narrows his eyes.

“I wrote her a letter.” He hasn’t told a soul. It feels wrong to tell someone other than Kurenai, but he doesn’t know what to do with the letter. “I mean, she’s decided she’s in love and it’d be fucked up for me to change my mind now.”

“I think the problem is that you think you can decide how you feel.” Kakashi says. “That’s not how people are wired to function.”

“Well, I ended our last conversation by reminding her that we were never together, so I think it’s safe to say that she doesn’t want to hear from me.” Raidou feels pretty bad about what he said. It was a fucked up, mean thing he said because he was angry at her. Genma laughs and Kakashi rolls his eyes.

“You two are so fucking stupid,” Genma says, “you were pretty much exclusive but not being boyfriend and girlfriend means nine years doesn’t count for something?”

“Are you two ever going to be friends again?” Kakashi asks. Raidou shrugs.

“You know, I don’t think we’ve been friends for a while now.” He crushes the wrapper for his sandwich in his hand and stuffs the rest of it into his mouth. He gets up without a word and throws the wrapper into a garbage can. Raidou wonders if he will choke on his sandwich while he walks. For a second, he welcomes such a stupid death.

**

Kurenai and Asuma rarely talk about their work in direct terms. They talk about their teams, but they don’t talk about their missions or training. He prefers to keep things light, and she doesn’t know him well enough to drag him down into the depths with her. He always knows when to trust people, whereas Kurenai always works from the assumption that if she wants something done right, she has to do it herself. Raidou’s brother taught her that, every time he dealt with his car. _No one will do it right_ , he used to huff whenever Raidou told him to take it to a mechanic.

When she saw Neji raise his arm to Hinata, Kurenai hadn’t thought twice before throwing herself in there. Neither did Hayate, Guy or Kakashi. But as she stood up and assessed the damage, between worrying for Hinata and wondering if Neji genuinely wanted to kill her, Kurenai noticed that Asuma was still up on the viewing area. She had turned up and looked at him. He is too far away, and they don’t know each other well enough for him to read her mind, but her eyes narrow. Kakashi looks at her funny, but he says nothing.

“He didn’t come down here.” She says. Kakashi sighs.

“He knew the four of us would be plenty.” He tucks his hands into his pockets. Kurenai crosses her arms and looks right into Kakashi’s eyes.

“I’m not mad.” _Just disgusted and disappointed_.

“O-kay,” he drawls. “This sounds like an Asuma problem, not a me problem.” Kurenai blinks and shakes her head.

“Whatever,” she mutters, “nothing happened.”

“If it bothers you, you should talk to him about it,” Kakashi says, “instead of pulling a Raidou and bottling it all up.” Kurenai frowns.

“Pulling a Raidou?” she asks.

“Being upset at someone or something and then never talking about it? Yep, that’s him.” Kakashi says, “how else do you think he got through all the prettiest girls in Konoha?” Kurenai narrows her eyes. She knows that he said the last bit to needle her, but it still hurts to think about Raidou being with other women. She frequently wonders if, when he has sex with them, he thinks of her. Kurenai isn’t proud, but last night she thought of him and bit her hand to prevent herself from saying his name. She feels bad about that, which is why she will let Asuma have this one slip up. Relationships are about compromise, after all.

“Raidou would have stepped in,” she says. Kakashi tilts his head.

“You don’t know that,” he says in a careful voice, like he is trying to prevent Kurenai from blowing up. She frowns.

“Actually, I do.” She replies. “Raidou would have been down there.” The comparison is unfair, but that isn’t enough to stop her from making it.

“You put him on a pedestal,” Kakashi says, “you always have. You’re never going to move on until you stop doing that.” She narrows her eyes. She has told Asuma that she would choose him over Raidou, and it’s true.

That doesn’t mean that, on some days, she doesn’t question her choice.

**

When Hayate was found murdered, no one had said anything to each other. Everyone went on high alert. There was no time for grief, when there was an enemy in their midst. It became clear that the Sand Ninja had something to do with it, but they all had to sit on that knowledge. Genma had taken Hayate’s place, and Raidou grit his teeth and watched the exams.

Kurenai had called Raidou that morning. She said that she wanted to know if he would watch the exams with her. She ended the call with _remember when we did this?_ It made Raidou’s heart clench. He vividly remembers the exams. He just doesn’t want to think about her right now.

What happened between them was this: she was clearly into Asuma, Raidou told her to go be with him. He left, and when he came back, Kurenai and Asuma were official and she have moved out of the barracks into her first big girl apartment. She tries to call him, but he doesn’t pick up. It is easier to not engage than to be emotionally present. That’s all.

Raidou doesn’t know whether or not the past tense is appropriate. This thing had happened to them, but some days, he wakes up and thinks that it _is_ happening to them. Perhaps she was right: he is stagnating.

So, he had stood at the back of the arena, watching her and Asuma watch the matches together. Raidou is beginning to think that he needs to have his head checked. He shouldn’t hate himself this much. He told her to go do her thing, and not for the first time, he deeply regrets it.

He doesn’t see how it happens, but he knows when things have gone sideways by the way Kurenai’s posture changes. She becomes alert, and it is then that he braces himself for chaos. He ducks out of the stadium, and it is an immediate shit show. For some reason, Genma has sent Sasuke after that fucking weird kid from the Sand Village, and Kakashi decided to send Naruto, Sakura and Shikamaru after them. Raidou, if he weren’t so busy, would have asked a few questions, but that is neither here nor there.

Besides, those kids were going to have to learn that real adulthood means looking around, waiting for a grown up to come save you, and then realizing that you are the adult, and you have to save yourself.

Their paths don’t cross until a few hours later, when he is running back to Hokage Tower and Kurenai is heading to the gate. The street is empty, and his chest tightens when he recognizes her at the other end. Raidou has been avoiding her; they both know it.

But it feels like the world is ending, even though it isn’t, and he is just glad to see her standing upright. She is the only person he really has left, who feels more like family than a friend. They start walking towards each other at the same time, and it feels less like they are walking and more like they are being pulled together.

Seeing Raidou, Kurenai feels herself relax. She would recognize that frame, that gait, anywhere. He has been avoiding her for a few months, and she doesn’t blame him. She chose someone else. Asuma is a good fit. He understands Kurenai’s quirks, and he doesn’t try to correct her. He is thoughtful, and he makes her laugh. Asuma is good at being a committed boyfriend.

But a part of Kurenai is still curious about the kind of boyfriend Raidou could have been. Would things be just as easy as they are with Asuma? Throughout their time apart, Kurenai has tried to figure out what it is that made her choose him. She has come to accept that it’s not that one man was better than the other, but that she knew Asuma wanted a future with her. It felt like Raidou was comfortable simply cruising along. Asuma wanted Kurenai, but he also wanted a girlfriend. Raidou was apathetic towards labels and regularly said that he didn’t believe in true love. _Don’t you think it’s a little easy if ‘true love’ could fix all of the world’s problems? Besides, everyone thinks their love is true until they break up._ Raidou had said this to her in grocery store, picking up a box of cereal. Kurenai agrees, but she would like to believe in the idea of a love so true and powerful that it cuts through time.

Actually, if asked, she would say that what she feels for Raidou is close to true love. She has known that he is her soulmate since she was five years old and he let her hang out with him. She feels it in her gut, how right it is that they both exist in the same time and place.

Try as she might, she doesn’t feel that way about Asuma.

She is close enough that she can see Raidou’s scar, and she smiles. She opens her arms wide, and when she feels his body against hers, she tucks her face into the side of his neck and inhales his scent. This past few months have been crazy, but at least he still smells the same.

When they pull apart, Kurenai stands before him, hands down at her side and head tilted, with everything she wants to say blocking her throat. Raidou is looking into her eyes, in that searing way of his. It always feels like he is looking for the truth, even when he claims not to be.

“Kurenai,” he rasps. She swallows.

“Raidou.” Her voice is quiet. They stand, looking into each other’s eyes, before there is a loud bang and they both look in the direction of Hokage Tower. Kurenai looks back, and she just knows that Raidou is walking in that direction.

“Be careful.” She says this as she steps out of his way. As she goes to walk past him, she feels him grab her wrist. She stops and turns around. He looks surprised, like his hand had acted independently from him.

Raidou has been in love with Kurenai since he was twenty-two years old. Maybe longer. He just didn’t see it before then. It has been hell, being away from her. He wants to tell her that, and that his comments on true love were lies that he had grown to believe. His views on true love were the kind of falsehoods you tell yourself to avoid reality. He bites his tongue, not sure how to go about saying this when the village is under attack and she is in love with someone else.

His grip is firm, but he doesn’t pull or yank. He rubs his thumb against the skin of her wrist, looking at her face as he does so. His mouth twitches, and Kurenai looks around to make sure that no one else is there.

When she looks back to his face, he turns and kisses her. It’s soft, gentle. Not the kind of kiss you expect at the end of the world. Kurenai puts her free hand on his cheek and takes one more. Only one. He pulls back and lets her wrist go.

“Stay safe.” He murmurs before taking off. It’s all he can manage. He simply hopes that the way he says it conveys everything he is trying to say.

As she watches his back disappear, Kurenai puts her hand to her lips, wishing she had told him to stay.

**

Hayate doesn’t even get his own funeral. It’s a fucking bummer. Raidou stands beside Genma, hands crossed in front, the way you are supposed to at funerals. Kurenai is at the front, with Asuma. They had lost their Hokage, but he lost his father. He doesn’t cry, but his eyes are red. Raidou frowns. Asuma is lucky to have lost his father when he was well into manhood. Raidou’s parents had died with Kurenai’s, when the nine-tails had struck. She was sixteen, he was twenty. They still had his older brother, until he died two years later.

Back then, their biggest problem had been her desperate attempts to get his attention. When their parents died, something had clicked for him, and he could recognize that they were more than family.

He misses getting to hold her hand at these things. That’s all.

When the service is over, he waits for Genma to finish talking to Kakashi over at the edge of the room. He likes sticking to walls; he can see everything that way. He is glowering off into space when he feels someone approach him. He turns his head, and it is Yuugao, the girl Hayate left behind.

Raidou smiles, trying his best not to look at her with pity. She smiles and walks up to him. He tries not to notice the way her hips sway as she walks. When was the last time he had noticed how a woman walks? He blinks, and suddenly, she stands before him.

“Raidou,” she says softly.

“Yuugao.” He replies, keeping his face still. They look at each other for a second, both unsure how to have a conversation with the other.

“I’m sorry about Hayate.” His voice is soft. Yuugao didn’t know that such a gruff man could be capable of such tenderness.

“It’s okay.” She replies. “I miss him, that’s all.” Raidou nods. He knows the feeling. Acutely.

Their eyes lock, and his gut stirs. It is then that Raidou knows, with clarity, that he and Yuugao are going to fuck. Not now, but at some point. She is exactly ten years younger than him, but lonely people have a way of finding each other, and she is just so pretty. Too pretty to be left alone. Too pretty to be ignored. Too pretty for him to not at least try to fuck her. It’s become a hobby of his, since Kurenai left him. Raidou smiles.

“It’s okay to not be okay.” He says. Yuugao shakes her head.

“It feels wrong,” she says, “like I am weak for caring.” Yuugao can’t explain it. She is someone who never handled grief well. She simply compartmentalized it. Hayate told her that it would come to bite her ass in the end, and he was proven correct in the cruelest way possible.

“You’re not weak.” Raidou says. He kills people for a living. They were all someone’s baby, someone’s beloved. The dead sleep while death haunts the living. That’s the way it works. “I’ve seen people cry over far less.” Yuugao crosses her arms.

Yuugao has only ever known Raidou as a man. In the few minutes they have spent talking, she is keenly aware of how much of man he is. He is big and broad, and he has a stoicism that hides something. She doesn’t know what, but she would like to know. It’s perverse, that she should find herself so attracted to him at her boyfriend’s funeral. Would she have even noticed Raidou if Hayate were alive? He has a way of occupying the shadows that makes him difficult to read.

But here, in broad daylight, where everyone is dressed the same, she can say with confidence that he is objectively handsome and radiates a manliness that she finds…intriguing. They live in a hyper masculine culture, but that doesn’t mean that men are more manly. But Raidou is different. He is a real man and has probably always been. The desire to run her tongue across the scar on his face makes her swallow, big.

She wonders if she would taste salt on his upper lip.

Raidou sees the way she bites her lip, and he tilts his head. She mirrors him. His stomach drops. He opens his mouth to speak, but another voice cuts in.

“Yuugao, I am sorry for your loss.” Kurenai’s voice always floats. Raidou turns to her and blinks. If Yuugao didn’t know better, she would say that he seems a little annoyed that Kurenai turned up. If Raidou has always been a man, Kurenai has always been a woman, and they have always been together, in some way. Kurenai is dating Asuma now, but that doesn’t change how she looks when she is beside Raidou. Like the first man and woman. The Platonic ideal of masculinity and femininity. It makes Yuugao obscenely jealous, which is inappropriate, considering that Hayate isn’t even in the ground. Yuugao smiles.

“It’s fine.” Yuugao looks around the room. “I better go. I am sure there are other people who want to speak to me.” She tries not to sound bitchy but talking to Raidou was the best thing to happen to her all day. Yuugao looks up at him, and she sees his lip twitch. She smiles and walks away.

Kurenai had sensed that something was happening, and when she turned around to see Raidou and Yuugao talking, her eyes got narrow and her stomach fell to the floor. She hasn’t forgotten that kiss, or the way he has dodged her phone calls for the last few months. She can tell by the way Raidou stands before Yuugao that he wants to have sex with her. When Yuugao reciprocates, that is when Kurenai steps in. Raidou has an effect on women that he either doesn’t understand or notice. It has always infuriated her, but it is especially offensive now.

Kakashi and Asuma are used to her walking off. She makes a beeline for Raidou, who is so distracted that he doesn’t feel her coming. Somehow, that angers her more.

She feels victorious when Yuugao walks away. She turns to Raidou, who gives her a blank look. Kurenai narrows her eyes, knowing he is playing dumb.

“She’s pretty.” Kurenai says.

“Konoha has lots of pretty girls.” Raidou shrugs. “Lots to look at.”

“But at her boyfriend’s funeral?” Kurenai asks. Raidou looks at her sideways.

“Is this about her, or about you and me?” Raidou thought about deflecting. But he is tired of the bullshit.

“Why did you kiss me?” Kurenai is angry. He can hear it in her voice. “Why did you kiss me, after not answering my phone calls and avoiding me for months?” Raidou looks away. None of her questions are unfair. He shouldn’t have kissed her.

“You didn’t have to kiss me back.” He says. Kurenai crosses her arms, walking in front of him so he can’t look away.

“I miss you,” she says, “you’re my best friend, and my family, and my soulmate, and you have been avoiding me for months now. Of course, I was going to kiss you back.” She leans in to make her point. Raidou hates himself for this, but he thinks about kissing her again. He wants to feel her teeth on his lower lip.

“I miss you too,” he says, “I just don’t know how to be around you right now.” It tastes bad when she calls him her soulmate. He wants to spit it out of his mouth, but instead, he swallows. She shrinks back from him. “It can never be how it was. Too much has happened.” Raidou looks at the ground, at Kurenai’s feet.

“I know.” She says softly. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” he scuffs his shoe against the floor. She can’t possibly fathom the depth of his _sorry_.

They look up to watch the genin, all strangely somber, walk around. For some of them, this is their first encounter with death. They walk around in a daze. Others, like Hinata and Sasuke, who have already seen death, are comfortable sitting with their grief. What’s a dead Hokage or exam proctor when your mother has been in the ground for years?

At least, that’s how Raidou feels at these things, if he were being honest with himself.

**

Kurenai sits on her couch, flipping through a book, bopping her head to the punk music she and Raidou liked to listen to. She has been trying to get Asuma into it, but he doesn’t get why music that isn’t predicated on achieving sonic harmony i.e. ‘sounding good’ is something anyone would want to listen to. Kurenai has tried explaining to him that good taste is all relative, but he won’t budge.

Her hair is up in a high ponytail and her legs are crossed. She is reading a book about a woman so bored by her provincial life that she destroys it. Asuma steps out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist. “Yo,” he says. Kurenai looks up at him.

“Yes?” she asks.

“We should have a party, for Hayate.” Asuma hums, “Anko has some coke. I think it could be really fun.”

“What happened to setting a good example for your students?” she asks. Asuma grins.

“Shikamaru made chunnin; he can be a good example for the two of us,” he replies, “and besides, he’s too young to celebrate the right way. I’m doing it for him too.”

“Railing coke for a twelve-year old,” she smirks, “you sacrifice so much.” He shrugs.

“It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.” He leans against the doorframe. “We could have it here.”

“Excuse me, you want everyone to come over and snort coke in my apartment?” she asks, blinking. Asuma blinks back, mocking her.

“You have best set up,” he replies, “and everyone lives an equal distance from you. I checked.” Kurenai sighs.

“Fine.” He smiles. “But you have to plan it.”

“Of course,” he says, “it shouldn’t take too much effort. We can just invite everyone. Me, you, Anko, Aoba, Kakashi, Genma, Raidou. Shizune is still out of town, and well, Yuugao is probably too upset for blow.” Kurenai’s mouth quirks when she remembers seeing Raidou at the funeral with Yuugao. She is definitely not invited. _Is that petty of me?_

“She wasn’t really our friend anyway.” Kurenai says. Asuma frowns.

“I hung out with her and Kakashi a few times. Yuugao’s cool.” He saw her talking to Raidou at the funeral. He and Genma thought they’d be cute. A hitman and an Anbu girl. “She was talking to Raidou at the funeral.” Kurenai’s jaw ticks, but Asuma chooses to say nothing. She said she’d choose him, and he has decided to take her at her word, until she gives him a reason not to.

“Hmm,” she replies. Asuma clicks his tongue.

“They’d be cute.” He says. Kurenai glares.

“Hayate isn’t even cold yet.” She says. Asuma shrugs.

“So?”

“So?”

“Yea, so?” he asks, clearly irritated. “What is she supposed to do? Twiddle her thumbs for the rest of her life?” Kurenai puts her book down and glares.

“So, she should hop on Raidou’s dick?” she asks. Asuma rubs his forehead, trying to figure out some other reason, besides the obvious, that Kurenai is so upset.

“It’s not like he discriminates,” he drawls, “he must have plowed through everyone else by now.” Kurenai glowers and closes her book, placing it on the coffee table. She keeps her movements controlled, in an effort to regulate her inner chaos. Asuma can tell she’s trying to maintain her cool.

“Raidou is going through something,” she says, “don’t joke about it.”

“Are we going to pretend that he isn’t trying to get over you?” Asuma raises his voice. “Because that’s what he’s doing.”

“It’s not like that,” she hisses. Asuma tilts his head and gives her a dead look.

“Kurenai, you wouldn’t be mad that he talked to another girl at a funeral if you were over it. Fuck, he wouldn’t be hitting on a girl at a funeral if he were okay.” Asuma makes a frustrated noise in his throat. “I’m not stupid. Do you know that?” Kurenai crosses her arms, sitting back on her chair.

“I never said that.” She says, “Raidou is my best friend and the only family I have left. Don’t say rude things about him.” Asuma exhales.

“Are you going to invite him?”

“What?” Kurenai asks. She thought they were having a fight. Asuma drums his fingers against the wall.

“Are you going to invite Raidou? Or are you going to _conveniently_ forget?” he asks. Kurenai bites the lining of her cheek. He has her there.

“I’ll ask him when I see him next.”

“He avoids you, Kurenai.” Asuma sighs. “Whatever, I’m going to shower. Maybe blow my brains out.”

They are in love, but not the kind of love that makes you crazy trying get the other person to like you. It’s the kind of love that thrive on accepting the other person’s faults, and looking away when they need you to allow them to exist in denial

**

Raidou approaches Kurenai first. He misses her voice and face. He walks up to her door, and knocks. Waiting for her to answer makes him want to puke. When he opens the door, she feels something glow inside of her. _Hope_. Raidou looks down at the ground instead of at her. His hands are tucked into his pockets, and he speaks softly. “I miss you,” He doesn’t bother saying hi. “I want to be friends.” Kurenai crosses her arms, pressing her lips together.

“I want that too,” she smiles. She desperately wants him, in any way she can have him. She rubs her arm. “Do you have some time to hang out?” he asks, “now?” Kurenai smiles, her entire body relaxing.

“Want to go on a walk?” she asks. He nods, and steps aside after she slips her sandals onto her feet.

She locks the door behind her, just for him. Raidou leads the way, and Kurenai follows him faithfully. She stares at his back as they leave her building, and he turns right onto the street. She quickens her pace to catch up to him.

“Do you actually want to walk with me?” she asks. “You know, most men would love to walk by my side.”

“I’m not most men,” Raidou snorts, turning back to look at her, slowing his pace. She wants to reach out and touch his wrist, feel his pulse in the corner of her thumb and pointer finger.

“All men are equal before me,” she says, “there isn’t a part of me that isn’t attractive.” Raidou clicks his tongue.

“Your ears are ugly.” He says. Kurenai blushes, and it makes him laugh. “You know, you are the only person who makes me feel like there is still a human being inside of me.” His mouth twitches, and he turns his head away. She blinks at him.

“We never talked about the hit.” she says. Raidou looks over at her, frowning.

“No, we haven’t talked about it.” Her jaw clenches, and she gives him a soft look. “It took you three months to take her out.”

“It took two weeks to get there and back, a month of reconnaissance, three weeks of infiltration, a week to extract myself without getting caught.” He says. It only took five minutes for her to die. “It takes a lot of planning to commit murder and not get caught.” By caught, he means, of course, making sure it couldn’t be tied back to Konoha.

“It’s fucked up,” she replies.

“On order is an order. The sky is blue, the Moon orbits Earth, the Sun is just a bunch of gas.” Raidou shrugs, looking at the ground.

“You need to learn how to admit when things bother you,” she says. Kakashi’s words still bounce around in her head. Raidou snorts.

“This world is always itself.” He shrugs, “I don’t know why you think talking about it is supposed to make it better.”

“Because at least you have spoken about it,” she says, “things hurt worse when you don’t put the experience into words.” Raidou nods, looking around.

“Do you want to know how I did it?” he asks. She looks up at him, curious. He has never actually told her what he does. Kurenai would be lying if she said she wasn’t curious.

“Yes,” she says softly, eyeing the civilians around them, “I would like to know.” Raidou hunches over and looks at the ground. His shoulders are up by his ears.

“I watched her for two months, until she decided she was safe and let her bodyguards go. I approached her at a bar, and I made it seem like we were, you know, going to do it. When she turned around to take off her shoes, I rammed my sword through her heart.” Raidou looks at the ground the whole time. “You know what I have been asking myself?”

“I’m not in your head, Raidou,” Kurenai says.

“How much money did it take for the Hokage to send me after an innocent woman.” He looks at her then, biting his lower lip. “She probably would have gone away with an NDA and a couple hundred thousand, maybe less. I keep thinking to myself, was it just cheaper to kill her rather than pay her, or was a pride thing that made him willing to pay so much?” Raidou pauses, dragging his tongue across his front teeth. “You know, I wonder how much the village has made off of me murdering people who don’t deserve it.” Raidou looks up ahead, and Kurenai crosses her arms.

“The Third Hokage did his best,” she replies. Raidou snorts. _Does Asuma do his best too?_

“Sometimes your best isn’t enough,” he says. “Not once have I been sent after someone who genuinely deserved it.” He breathes in and out, and the pain he carries within himself becomes visible. His walk becomes stiff, like it hurts to move. “You know, when I’m with all those women, I can’t relax until their shoes are off and I’m naked.” He rubs his forehead with the side of his hand. “It’s not just about getting over you.”

Kurenai nods, looking out ahead of them. She hurts for him. If she could, she would reach into his chest and scoop all the pain out, and swallow it, even if it made her sick. He is her protector, soulmate and little baby all wrapped into one. Kurenai can admit, with absolute sincerity, that she wouldn’t hesitate to die for him. Even now. “You’re trying to make things end differently,” she says, “but it’s too late to change what has happened.” _I’m with Asuma and that woman is still dead_. Raidou nods.

“I know,” he says in a small voice.

“You’re still a human being. You shouldn’t have to carry all of this.” She says. He looks back at her, pinning her with a look.

“Yeah?” he asks. She nods.

“Yeah,” she replies. Kurenai is mad that these things always seem to happen to Raidou, that she is no longer there to wrap herself around him after. Kurenai isn’t a dummy; she knows he looks for life inside of her like she does in him.

She looks up at his face, the big scar, and she thinks about how badly she wants to protect Big Bad Raidou. It’s something that not enough people understand about their relationship. She wants to put herself between him and the rest of the world. She wonders if he feels as naked without her as she feels empty without him.

Kurenai frowns at herself, wrinkling her nose and shaking her head. Raidou looks over his shoulder and smiles when he catches her. “What is that about?”

“Us.” She drawls. He smiles.

“I don’t blame you,” He replies. Looking around, he spots a couple holding hands. He scratches the side of his jaw.

“I’ve been thinking about Yuugao,” he says, “she must be lonely.” At least Kurenai is alive. Yes, Raidou wants to sleep with Yuugao, but he can also relate to her. He wants to ask: _how do you with live the unimaginable?_ Being without Kurenai is hell, but her death would destroy him. Raidou wants to know how Yuugao gets up every morning and live like she doesn’t want to die. He suspects that he could learn a few things from her.

Kurenai frowns, and she is careful to look away. Raidou stares off into space. “What do you think?”

“About what?” she asks.

“Yuugao being lonely.” He turns to look right at her. Her cheeks puff up, and she looks away from him. It somehow hurts more, for him to speak of someone specific than a bunch of different women.

“I don’t think about her at all.” Her voice is cold. Raidou frowns at her. It’s obvious, why she is upset. But he chooses to say nothing. He doesn’t want to spoil their walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I managed to get this done relatively quickly. I hope this update is good. As always, I will come back and deal with typos-if there is anything glaring or eye-bleedy, please let me know!


	5. An Autumn Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raidou and Yuugao, getting to know each other.

“Break the sailor’s table on your sacrum”

Bon Iver, “Towers”

They haven’t spoken, as in, had a real conversation, in two weeks. Kurenai takes Raidou’s calls, but she is overly polite, and he can tell that she does everything to hang up as quickly as possible. He knows that she didn’t like it when he brought up Yuugao, but this is an overreaction. All he did was wonder if she is as lonely as he is. Kurenai has no right to judge, because she doesn’t understand. She didn’t lose Raidou the way that he lost her. Between her attitude and catching her holding Asuma’s arm, Raidou has been feeling pretty shitty.

He seeks out other women because he wants to feel like a human being. When he is inside them, he can’t help but think about how Kurenai told him that, in his poorly thought out sexual encounters, he looks for the past to end differently. Right after his orgasm, he always realizes that things can never change if he follows the same method while expecting a different end.

Raidou sits on his bed, naked, rubbing his face. Another woman just left, and here he is, thinking about Kurenai. He knows Kakashi and Genma are worried about him. Aoba just encourages him to _lean into the wave of puss_. Asuma says he thinks Yuugao is lonely. That last one was a curveball, since Asuma seems genuinely encouraging. It’s funny, that Asuma of all people, is rooting for Raidou to find Actual and Real Love. Typical of Asuma, he is just pairing the spares together, but it’s the thought that counts. Raidou glowers off into the darkness and wonders what Hayate would say. Raidou is convinced that his spirit must know that Raidou first thought about having sex with Yuugao at the funeral.

Raidou sighs and stands up. He thinks a run might help him clear his head. So, he gets up at 2 AM and gets ready for actual, instead of metaphorical, running.

**

One night, Genma, Anko, Aoba and Raidou decide to get stoned and listen to the soundtrack from “My Neighbor Totoro.” Traditional Japanese music combined with 80s synth is the best thing to listen to while stoned. It’s soothing. It makes Raidou feel warm and floaty. He sits on Genma’s bed, legs crossed, with Anko beside him. Genma sits on his desk, his feet on his desk chair. Aoba sits on a big pillow on the floor, rolling the joint.

Raidou is surprised Anko accepted the invitation. She and Genma blew up, spectacularly, a week ago. He called her childish, so she dumped her beer on his head. Raidou and Aoba blinked as Asuma stuffed his face into the crook of his elbow, so he didn’t cackle out loud. She told Genma to never call her again and to _feel free to die_ , before storming out of the bar.

Nevertheless, here they are, speaking despite the cold, dead thing that lies between them. Raidou figures they are probably going to sleep together after. It’s the kind of messy thing he expects the two of them to do.

Kakashi and Asuma declined because they need to “set an example” now, which Genma said is some bullshit considering the amount of coke Asuma rails and the fact that Kakashi reads porn in front of his genin. Kurenai never came to these things. She doesn’t like pot and “My Neighbor Totoro” gave her nightmares for a week thanks to Cat Bus. She had slept with her head in Raidou’s armpit and whined about how creepy it is that its insides are furry. 

“You know,” Aoba says, rolling the joint, “I really love Cat Bus.”

“You say that every time.” Genma drawls.

“Cat Bus is iconic,” Anko says, “Aoba, you can always tell _me_ about Cat Bus.” Aoba snorts with laughter as Genma glares at Anko, who sticks out her tongue.

“I always liked the sisters,” Raidou says. “Satsuki is kinda like my brother.” His brother was the kind of older sibling who would run all over the world looking for Raidou, and he believed in magic. Raidou was the one who told his brother that trolls and fairies aren’t real.

“Your brother was cool,” Genma said, “I don’t know what happened to you.” Raidou shrugs.

“We can’t all marry the same girl,” he drawls, and Aoba snorts. Raidou presses his tongue to the back of his teeth and thinks about what he just said. It’s true, none of us can end up in the exact same place, but it’s possible to end up somewhere similar. “Did anyone invite Yuugao?”

“Did anyone invite Yuugao?” Anko asks. Genma leans forward, his elbows on his knees, looking at Raidou thoughtfully.

“No, it never occurred to me,” he says, “I’m pretty sure Anbu has regular drug testing.” Raidou fidgets as all three look at him.

“I figure she is lonely, that’s all.” He says. Aoba smirks.

“Sounds like you’re lonely. You should bang her.” He stuffs more pot into the joint with a pen. It’s not elegant, but that is Aoba for you. Anko and Genma smirk at each other as Raidou frowns.

“Don’t say that,” Raidou frowns, crossing his arms.

“Why?” Aoba asks.

“Because it’s rude and you should respect women.” Raidou really, _really_ wishes he hadn’t brought this up.

“She’s your type. Hot action girl.” Aoba takes a moment to study the structural integrity of the joint.

“Most of the women around here are hot action girls.” Raidou huffs.

“But you like them extra pretty and murder-y,” Anko says, “Kurenai’s body count is twice mine.”

“Collateral damage isn’t murder,” Raidou retorts, “and Kurenai was more than just my type. That was a real relationship.” He says the last part softly, slightly ashamed. He wasn’t her boyfriend, but they were partners. It’s hard no longer having that kind of connection with someone.

“I think that’s the first time I heard you admit that,” Genma says. “I think Yuugao is prettier. Kurenai is just a gross pretty that makes me gag, honestly.”

“It is hard to look at her for too long,” Aoba concedes. Genma nods.

“Her eyes are the color of rotten cherries.” Genma says. Anko rolls her eyes.

“You don’t need to say those kinds of things if Raidou is thinking about someone else. Isn’t that right?” Anko turns to him and smiles. He glowers back at her. Genma smirks.

“Ten dollars says that you’re going to get with Yuugao,” he says. “Twenty says Kurenai will try and claw you back when that happens.”

“You’re vicious,” Anko says, “and petty. That’s why I won’t suck your dick anymore.” Genma pouts when Aoba and Raidou laugh at his expense.

**

There are a lot of things that Raidou used to enjoy that taste bad in a world without Kurenai. He walks towards the memorial, hands in his pockets. He hopes that talking to his brother will make him feel something, if not better. Raidou is angry, more often than not, that this is who he has been reduced to.

She didn’t pick him. She chose the other guy. Raidou had told her that it was okay, that he would be fine. They weren’t an actual couple, so why should he keep her from being happy? Raidou frowns. Kurenai is his soulmate, the only family he has left. They share a bond deeper than blood or sex. But he didn’t think he would care so much when she chose to fall in love with someone else.

He has been having a lot of sex with different women, but each encounter leaves him hungrier than before. He isn’t celibate like Kakashi or laissez-faire like Genma. Raidou is _starving_ , but he doesn’t know what for. He feels like a vampire, as if he was looking for a life force to feed on. Every night, as he tosses and turns in his bed, Raidou considers picking up his phone and calling Kurenai, and telling her how wrong he was, how he doesn’t know if he is in love with her but he is in visceral pain when he has sex with someone who isn’t her.

There are some things he can’t do. He won’t let other women blow him. Neither can he look them in the eye when he is inside them. All it does is remind him that they don’t have crimson eyes. He always looks to the side of their head, or closes his eyes, or has them flip over. It’s a problem. He sighs, because none of the answers are easy or palatable. He curbs the most toxic impulse, which is to get Kurenai back, but that doesn’t mean he can do the healthy thing, which is to live without her until these feelings go away.

Maybe the problem is that he never lets himself process his feelings in real time. He just sits back and tries not to flinch. It wouldn’t surprise Raidou if he were the toxic one. Well, he doesn’t know if he would say his relationship with Kurenai was toxic. Codependent, sure, but toxic? That seems like an exaggeration.

On the other hand, if it were mere codependency, he could simply find another. Raidou looks up at the memorial. Maybe when he says the question out loud, the answer will manifest itself. He misses his brother. He would tell Raidou not to be so serious all the time. That the world has actual problems. They would go on a drive and listen to Joy Division and his brother would tell Raidou to let himself cry already.

Raidou walks around the monument. He thinks it’s pretty ugly, all things considered, but fire is hard to capture in rock, so he guesses that it is ultimately fine. He rocks on his heels, hands in his pockets, trying to figure out how to actually have a conversation with his brother. He looks around to check that he is alone. He doesn’t want to sound stupid.

He goes to open his mouth, when he is interrupted.

“First time?” Yuugao’s soft voice cuts through sounds of the forest. He smiles to himself.

“No,” he replies, “it’s been awhile since I tried talking to my brother.” He senses her walk up beside him. She stands close, and he can smell her perfume. It’s cedar. Raidou feels his heart thump the way it did at the mass funeral _. At least we aren’t standing over Hayate’s body anymore_.

“Do you know how to have a conversation with the dead?” Yuugao asks softly. Raidou turns to look at her.

“No,” he shakes his head. “I don’t know anything.” Yuugao smiles.

“You have to know _some_ things. You’re an assassin and a bodyguard.” Her mouth is pretty. It must be why she always wears lipstick. Raidou blinks. This is the first time he has looked at a woman and not seen Kurenai.

“A smart man knows that he doesn’t know.” Raidou smiles, and in that moment, Yuugao understands that she has won.

She stands closer than necessary. Yuugao has been thinking about Raidou since they spoke at the funeral. He has ten years on her, but she isn’t a kid anymore, and she thinks he has noticed. She smirks. She had thought of him when she touched herself this morning. It was the first time she had come without thinking of Hayate.

“What do you not know, Raidou?” Yuugao blinks, and he sees the invitation in the curve of her lower lip.

“It would be easier to list the things I want to know.” Raidou looks around the memorial. No one else is around, and it is dark out.

“What is it you want to know?” Yuugao looks around the memorial as well. He senses that they are thinking the same thing. It makes his skin prickle. He feels alive.

What does he want to know? Raidou could say, _what it would feel like to be in your mouth_ , but that would too straightforward.

“I don’t know why the sky is blue,” he says, “it’s a pressing question.” Yuugao smiles.

“Or gravity: why?” her question makes Raidou laugh. It’s a throaty sound. She wants to hear it again. She turns her body to face his, and she puts her hands on her hips. She thinks she ought to state her needs plainly: _Raidou, I haven’t had sex since Hayate, and I would like you to do the honors_. She wrinkles her nose. It would make her sound like an inexperienced kid.

Ten years loom between them. Yuugao doesn’t want to remind him that she is only twenty-two, or that he was already in the academy before she was born. He turns to her and smiles.

“So,” he begins, “why gravity?” Raidou looks her up and down. He can tell that she is as interested as he is, which is to say, _very_. You can’t be an assassin without understanding human behavior. Yuugao blinks, before smirking.

“I want to know what keeps me on the ground.” Yuugao’s voice is soft. Raidou wonders if it’s bad that he has wanted her since the funeral. Is it toxic to think about fucking someone while they cry over their dead boyfriend? _Probably_.

“Why do you want to be kept down?” Raidou eyes her short skirt.

“Who says I don’t want to fly?” Yuugao crosses her arms.

“Is that what you want?” Raidou groans inwardly at the innuendo, but sex is messy and imperfect, and this is the first woman to turn his head since Kurenai. She doesn’t need to be eloquent to get his attention. He turns to face her, and Raidou puts a palm on her cheek. She nods.

**

He doesn’t actually kiss her in front of the memorial. That would be disrespectful. So, they end up in the trees outside of it. Her back is against a tree, and Raidou kisses the side of her neck while she sighs his name. They can’t undress out here, but Raidou already knows there will be a next time. He can feel it in his stomach, in the way her skin tastes. He is hungry, and she is the first who seems like she might make him full.

Putting his hand on her cheek, Raidou kisses her lower lip, and she leans into him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She doesn’t know why this idea pops into her head, but she thinks he tastes like a forest. It makes her smile. Big Bad Raidou tastes like the woods on a clear morning. It is wholesome, but it also makes her incredibly wet. The more you know about the first person you fantasize about who isn’t your dead boyfriend, you know?

Yuugao kisses him and moves her hands south. She pulls back, her lipstick smeared. Raidou has some wet wipes in his pocket that he will lend her after. He keeps them because he doesn’t like to have blood on his hands for too long. He supposes having sex with Yuugao by the memorial is different type of crime. She bites her lower lip as she unzips his pants.

“I want to blow you.” There isn’t any other way to say it. Raidou looks into her eyes, and for a moment, she is afraid that she has offended him. But he nods, although his face looks tense. “That usually gets at least a smile.” She kisses his chin, and Raidou tries to relax his jaw.

He likes Yuugao. But the last time a woman tried to blow him, he had to squeeze his eyes shut and bite his tongue to get through the competing sensations of pleasure and all the invasive images of Kurenai’s eyes and mouth. He has tried to ignore their age difference, but he wouldn’t be a good person if he put her in a position where he wasn’t going to be emotionally present.

“There is someone else,” he says, “someone I’m trying to get over. I find it hard to do things that remind me of her.” Raidou swallows. Yuugao knows he is talking about Kurenai. Raidou puts his hands on Yuugao’s face, looking her right in the eyes. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with you, or that I don’t want you, because I do. It’s just that there…”

“Are some things you can’t do?” Yuugao has a sad smile on her face. “I don’t want head either. It’s too soon since Hayate.” Raidou’s eyes soften. She lost so much more than he had. He kisses her softly, and Yuugao reciprocates.

“But you still want this?” Raidou asks. Yuugao smiles into his mouth.

“Do I ever.”

Raidou puts his hand up her _conveniently_ short skirt. “Is this okay?” he murmurs into her mouth. She sighs and moves on his hand. She accepts his limitations. The least he can do is make her come. He pulls away from her mouth, concentrating. Every woman is different.

“Tell me when it feels good.” Raidou murmurs into her ear. Yuugao sighs. It all feels _good_. He is, unsurprisingly, great with his hands.

Nonetheless, there is a particular spot that he always just misses that she knows will make her come. She puts her hand down and gently guides his fingers to the spot, and she cries out when he starts moving. He kisses her throat, and he can tell that she is trying to keep herself from coming too quickly. He pulls back a little, but when she whines, he goes back against her with his hand, firm and precise.

It takes her by surprise. She figured it would feel nice, but she would have to fake it. But Raidou rips something real from her, something she thought died with Hayate. Yuugao tucks her face into his neck, and he feels rather than hears her scream. It is hot and wet. She holds him, and he stills, waiting for her to tell him what to do.

He had been twenty-two once, and when he was that age, he thought the girl he was with would be his forever too. Raidou implicitly understands that Yuugao needs time to adjust to the fact that more than one person can make you come hard.

“Hey,” he breathes, “you okay?” Yuugao nods into his neck, before raising her head.

“You’re good,” her voice is breathy, “like, really good.” _Why on earth did Kurenai ever leave you?_ Raidou smirks.

“I feel weird if I’m the only one having fun.” He shrugs. Yuugao smiles and kisses his cupid’s bow. It is a peck, and the kind of tender gesture Raidou and Yuugao associate with other people. They both freeze. Raidou waits for his heart to stop in his chest, but it keeps beating. He breathes, surprised that Kurenai’s face isn’t on the backs of his eyelids. Rather, it is all Yuugao; her purple hair, her brown eyes, her pretty lips. Not for the first time, he revels in the fact that he has been emotionally present through all of it.

Yuugao strokes his cheek, running her thumb across the scar across his face. She wonders how he got it. She hadn’t known him before the scar. She wonders what he looked like, when he was her age. Was he scarred then? Or did it happen earlier? She should ask Kakashi. Raidou probably doesn’t want to tell her himself.

Raidou leans in and kisses her again, and she sighs into his open mouth. “I want you inside me.” She mutters this against his upper lip. Raidou nods, and she goes to unzip his pants. Thanks to their height difference, he is able to lift her up, up off the ground and pin her to the tree. He is careful to ensure that her backside isn’t bare against the bark. Yuugao wraps her legs around his waist, and she goes to guide him in. She pushes her underwear aside, and he feels the lacey edge run against him. Raidou watches her mouth, the way it twitches when she slides him in.

“You’re in.” She looks him in the eyes, and it makes a knife twist in his gut.

“I’m in.” He replies. She reflexively clenches.

Raidou starts rocking against her, and she increasingly asks him for more as her hips loosen and she sinks onto him. He is surprised by his own tenderness. He doesn’t treat women like things, but he hasn’t looked into a woman’s eyes while he is inside her in…a long time. He doesn’t want to think about her, the woman who he shall not name while he is deep in Yuugao. She is forgotten, as, for the first time, Raidou breaks through to the other side without having a visceral reaction to the fact that he is inside another.

Their eye contact is more intimate than kissing, and he refuses to look away, to cheat himself of this one unbearably human moment. Her arms are wrapped around his neck, and she looks at him in a way that makes his blood hot. She asks him for more, and he obliges, moving stronger and faster until he buries himself so deep that he feels her cervix. She gasps, and before he can ask if she is okay, she tells him to do it _again, and again and again_ because she likes the kind of sex that hurts.

Gravity pushes down while they both try to fly, and eventually neither can hold out. Yuugao kisses him, but he pants _I want to look into your eyes when we come_. She pulls back and nods, her mouth a small ‘o’ and her eyes wide.

 _Yes, yes, yes_ —that is all she thinks as he hits the core of her, and she clamps all around him. She fights the urge to squeeze her eyes tight and is rewarded when she sees the moment it all aligns, and they come together. They stare into each other, surprised that things were this good and right, when each had already found their soul mate in someone else who was now gone.

He lowers her down after she unhooks her legs from around his waist. She slumps back against the tree, watching him fix himself.

“Raidou,” she tilts her head, “you’re really good.” He doesn’t look into her eyes when he smiles.

“I have ten years on you,” he says dryly, “I’ve been around.”

“I bet you’ve never come like that before, either.” Yuugao pulls her skirt down. When she looks up, Raidou looks right into her eyes, pinning her.

“Have you never come while looking right into a man’s eyes?” Raidou asks. His question is forthright, and he says it in this husky voice that makes her, well, gush.

“I have,” her says, defensively. Raidou buttons his pants and puts a hand into his pocket.

“Then why do you think I have never done that before?” his face scrunches as he looks for the wipes. Yuugao frowns.

“Because…I’ve done it before, but this was different.” She says, quietly. Raidou shrugs, not looking at her.

“It’s the first time it wasn’t with Hayate.” He pulls out the wipes. “Don’t worry, this is my first time doing that without Kurenai.” He says it in a matter of fact voice, like they are talking about the weather.

“So that was real?” Yuugao asks. Raidou smiles.

“Very real.” He hands her the wipes, “here, your lip stick is smudged.” She takes the package and pulls one out.

“You are such a gentleman.” She smiles. He shrugs.

“You let me come inside you,” he drawls, “it only seems fair.” Yuugao wipes her mouth in one smooth motion, and Raidou is impressed by the fact that she seemed to know how to get all of it.

“Come here,” she says, and he gets close to her. Smiling, she takes the other side of the wipe and cleans his face. Raidou makes a face when she pulls away, and she laughs.

“Why do you look so grumpy?”

“You got some of it in my mouth—wipes taste bad.” He sticks his tongue out, grossed out. Yuugao laughs, crumpling the wipe in her hand. Raidou looks at her for second, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“Are you busy now?” he asks. It’s been a long time since he has asked a girl this question after sex. Yuugao shakes her head, and her lilac hair moves with her. “Do you want to go get something to eat?” Raidou puts his hands in his pockets. Yuugao tilts her head and smiles.

“Yes,” she replies, “I am starving.” Raidou smiles, and he gestures for her to lead the way. She takes a step, and then pauses.

“What about your brother?” she asks. Raidou blinks.

“What about him?”

“Didn’t you have something to say to him?” Yuugao hopes that the dead will forgive them both. Raidou bobs his head, thinking.

“He would tell me to come back later.” Raidou tilts his head to the side, indicating that they should get going. Yuugao nods and starts walking.

Raidou stays a few feet behind her, and he nods at the monument as they pass it. Yuugao stops and turns, waiting for him to catch up. He has a thoughtful look on his face, and it makes him look impossibly handsome.

“Raidou?” Yuugao calls. He looks at her, blinking. She opens her mouth to tell him how handsome he is when he is thinking, but it strikes her that he may be thinking about something he doesn’t want to share. “Nothing,” she breathes out, “we should get going.” He nods and looks ahead, and Yuugao allows her stomach to flutter.

**

Kurenai lies down, with her head on Asuma’s arm. They lie on top of the covers, him smoking and her staring at her painted toenails. They are a deep blue. Raidou had bought the color for her, since she usually wore red all the time. She is trying her best to move on, but she just wants to be close to him. He is going to move on with Yuugao, and Kurenai has to accept it, so she painted her nails with the polish he bought her three years ago.

She wiggles her toes, and Asuma notices. “Checking to see if you can still feel them?” he asks. Kurenai smiles.

“Maybe,” she says. She sighs, stretching out. Asuma grunts as she presses into his arm. He turns and snuffs out his cigarette in the ashtray he keeps by his bed. As she relaxes back down, she feels a pull in her stomach. Kind of like someone has stuck their hand in her guts, searching around for her liver.

In that moment, she knows, with absolute clarity, that Raidou has taken the first actual step towards getting over her. She can’t explain it, other than it’s something she knows inside of her soul. It hurts, to know that he is finally pulling away.

“Asuma,” she says, “how do you go about becoming a better person?” Kurenai twists to look up at him. He tilts his head, evidently confused.

“What do you mean, become a better person?” he asks.

“How to treat people better and roll with the punches.” She tries her best not to sound impatient. Asuma snorts.

“You’re not going to tell me why?”

“Nope,” she replies, smacking her lips. Asuma stares at her mouth for a second, and she recalls the time Raidou said that Asuma isn’t a complex person. She has a feeling his judgment will, once again, be proven correct.

“It’s not hard. Just be more considerate and don’t make everything about you. It really isn’t as hard as you make it out to be.” He drawls.

“Why do you think I make it hard for myself?” she frowns. Her tone is slightly defensive, which Asuma picks up on but doesn’t bother to address.

“Because, if it were otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking this question.” He sighs, and Kurenai frowns at him. Looking at his face, she wonders where Raidou is at this very moment. _I choose Asuma, I choose Asuma, I choose Asuma_ , she thinks to herself. She climbs atop him and inhales his upper lip, but it doesn’t chase thoughts of where Raidou could be and who he could be with from her head. The grip on her liver tightens, and Kurenai chases another little death.

**

Yuugao has only ever been with Hayate. As she sits on Raidou’s bed in the barracks, she tries to suppress the feeling that she is an imposter. He wouldn’t have invited her back after dinner if he didn’t want to spend time with her.

Raidou sits across from her on his desk chair, elbows on his knees, watching her. Yuugao is formidable. You have to be if you’re Anbu. But he has noticed that she is a lot more nervous than she had been at the memorial. It’s cute, in a way. Definitely flattering. He sits up and crosses his arms. Their silence isn’t awkward. Not for him, anyway. He’s already been an anxious twenty-two years, trying to impress someone he wants to fuck.

He can see that she is growing agitated. He clears his throat before he speaks. “So, Yuugao, I had a great time today.” Raidou lifts the corners of his mouth, and Yuugao steels herself for rejection. She kicks herself for being too eager by taking up his offer to come back to his place. “I’ve never really been on a date before.” Yuugao’s eyes go wide.

“A date?”

“Well, I guess dates are usually premeditated.” Raidou rubs his head. “It’s been awhile since I had dinner with a woman I have slept with.” He winces at the way he phrases it. Yuugao blinks, and then smiles.

“Am I special?” she bats her eyelashes like a cartoon character. It looks ridiculous on someone who is usually more reserved. But he has never really gotten to know her off-duty before. He looks down at her legs, at her smooth calves and dainty ankles and pretty feet. Raidou stands up and crosses the small room, standing in front of her.

Yuugao smirks. She knows this game. “I guess you want to see me naked.” Raidou shrugs.

“Only if you want,” he drawls. “I think it could be fun.” Yuugao scoots over, giving him a place to sit. He turns to her, and she kisses him first. Her hand is on his cheek, and she pulls him down, down onto her. Raidou sighs into her lower lip as she runs her hand up his shirt.

“You’re lucky,” she says, “I want to see you naked too.” Raidou smiles.

“I’m glad it’s mutual.” Raidou kisses her again.

“You’re really good at kissing.” Yuugao says, “like, really good.” Raidou pulls back, looking down at her. He puts a hand on her cheek, searching her face. “Did you not like the compliment?” the question is quiet. Raidou shakes his head.

“I just think you’re really good too.” Yuugao smiles and kisses him with an open mouth. Raidou is someone who always knows how to deliver the right answer. Yuugao’s skirt moves up her hips, and Raidou smiles at how eager she is for him. It’s nice, being wanted.

“You’re so eager,” sitting up on his heels, Raidou takes off his shirt. Yuugao sits up and takes her own off as well, before unhooking her bra. There is a large scar on her stomach, from her sternum to her belly button. She lies back down and Raidou hovers over her.

He puts a pointer finger at the top of the scar, and then runs it down to the bottom. The skin is smooth, somehow feeling like tissue paper but being tough.

“It’s not as pretty as yours.” Yuugao’s voice is breathy. Raidou looks up at her face.

“I’m an ugly motherfucker.” It’s the assassin in him, to insist that he is worse than he is. Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“Your definitely handsome,” she replies, “the scar enhances your appeal.” Raidou shrugs, and unzips her skirt before pulling it off, with her underwear. He looks at her, smiling. It makes her tummy drop.

He stands up and walks over to his bedside table, taking out a condom. He then unzips and steps out his pants and underwear, in one swift movement. He kicks them aside out of habit. Yuugao sits on her elbows, looking at him.

There are scars all over his body. Some have proud flesh; others are silver while others are pink. They have all had hard lives, but his has been especially tough. His mouth is in a line as he looks down at her, but his eyes are soft. _It’s all in the eyes_ , Hayate had said to her once _, eyes don’t lie_. He was talking about how to know whether or not someone was trying to kill you, but it counts in all areas of life.

Raidou gets back onto the bed, settling between her legs. He leans down, and she opens her legs to him. “What do you want me to do with you, Yuugao?” Raidou strokes her hair. She is pretty, in an otherworldly way, like Kurenai. But her beauty is softer; it’s lilac, it’s moonlight. It is a gentle kind of pretty, not what one would expect from someone in Anbu. Raidou tries and fails to repress the fact that she and Hayate had been together since they were young, like he and Kurenai.

He will never say this, but Raidou is happy to be with someone who has lost the person they love too.

Yuugao bites her lip, looking into his eyes. “I want you inside me.” She sighs, “again.” Raidou nods. He runs his hand down her stomach to put it between her legs, but she stops him.

“I just want to be close to someone.” Yuugao rubs her thumb over his knuckles. It’s been awhile since someone was with him just to be close. He swallows and nods, sitting up to roll the condom on. Yuugao watches him, her legs open for him.

When he returns to her, she wraps herself around him and kisses his chin as he enters her. She wonders if she should have played hard to get, if she was making things too easy for him. But he doesn’t strike her as someone who would respond well to games, and it’s nice being close to another human being again. She kisses his jaw as he starts moving, gently. Apparently, he thought their pace at the tree was a fluke.

“I like it when it hurts a little.” Yuugao says in his ear. Raidou’s laugh rumbles.

“Only a little?” he kisses the side of her head, but he begins to move towards hurting a little. Yuugao sighs and puts her lips to his throat.

She wants to leave a big hickey right over his trachea, as evidence that she got so close to Big Bad Raidou that she could have ripped his throat out, if she wanted. He seems to sense her thoughts, and he presses his face into her shoulder, keeping his throat out of reach. Yuugao holds him closer and arches her back to meet him.

“You want it to hurt, right?” Raidou asks. He likes to make sure he understands his instructions.

“Yes,” she sighs.

“If you insist.” He moves faster, stronger. Yuugao feels it in the core of her being, and the more it hurts the happier it makes her feel. Hayate used to question her about it, but Raidou just keeps on keeping on. Maybe it’s because he isn’t in love with her. Raidou can simply accept that she likes it hard and a little angry.

Maybe love is overrated. It’s powerful but it leaves a gaping hole when that person is no longer around. With Raidou, she feels like she isn’t an open wound. She feels like she is sealed, like the blood has finally clotted. She runs a hand down between their bodies and touches herself. She changed her mind; she really wants to come. _Hard_.

Raidou slows a little, so he can hit her harder, and she hums in the back of her throat. Kurenai never liked it this rough, but she isn’t the one under him, so why should he care. Raidou blinks, clearing his mind of crimson eyes. He clenches onto the side of Yuugao’s hip, and he knows he is going to bruise her.

But it’s what she wanted, and who is he to tell her no?

There comes a point where it goes so hard that it runs away from him, and their bodies move against each other on instinct. Yuugao hits the spot in time, and she screams as Raidou bites into her shoulder to silence himself. _Fuck_ , he thinks _, someone definitely heard_. Thankfully, he doesn’t really care about anyone but Yuugao.

Raidou pulls out and rolls onto his back beside her. They both look up at his ceiling, breathing. He turns to look at her shoulder, and when he sees the mark he left, he leans over to kiss it. Yuugao turns to it, as he pulls away.

“You left a mark.” She says quietly.

“Think of it as something to remember me by.” He drawls. She smiles at him.

“No round three?” Yuugao asks. Raidou laughs, putting his hand over his eyes.

“Not tonight.” He says, “but I would like a round three. I think I can do better.” Yuugao hums.

“You have set a high bar.” Yuugao sits up, and Raidou admires the muscles of her back.

She stands up, now comfortable, and walks over to his bookshelf. She looks good naked. _Anbu is good for something, after all_. Raidou smiles at this thought, sitting up. She is looking at a picture of Raidou’s brother.

“You know what I was thinking, before you turned up at the memorial?” she looks over her shoulder at him. Raidou exhales.

“Probably something depressing.” Raidou tries to shake off the guilt for dipping on his overdue conversation with his dead brother. Yuugao laughs.

“I was just thinking about how death means nothing.” She turns back to him. “It’s purposeless. It’s a mere formality to living.” Raidou puffs his cheeks. She is being profound the way all people in their early twenties try to be; they state the obvious, because it is completely new to them.

“I know.” Lying back down, Raidou puts his hands behind his head. Yuugao pads back over to the bed and lies down beside him.

“You can stay,” Raidou says. Yuugao smiles.

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep.” She replies. Raidou pulls her closer.

“I’m a chronic insomniac,” he murmurs into her hair. “It will take some time.” Yuugao shrugs and presses herself to him.

“I don’t mind.” She puts her cheek against his chest. “It’s hell, not being touched.” Raidou wraps an arm around her shoulder and kisses the top of her head. He can’t disagree.

**

Raidou no longer feels like hell. He gets more than six hours of sleep when he is in Konoha, and he doesn’t feel quite so…haunted. His elbows are on his knees, as he and Kakashi watch Genma and Aoba toss a ball between the two of them. The first one to drop it is picking up the beer tab for the next month. They frequently play stupid games like this to pass the time.

But it takes forever for someone to actually drop the ball. So, it’s easy for them to fall into easy lobs and gossip. Genma is in the middle of complaining about Anko actually cutting him off, as Raidou debates mentioning Yuugao. He has been seeing her frequently over the last couple weeks, and he doesn’t feel ache-y and hungry. Raidou would even go so far as to say that he knows something that could very well be the beginnings of peace.

He smiles to himself, playing with the rings on his hand. Yuugao makes these funny little faces in her sleep, and he likes how it feels to wake up next to her. Raidou and Kurenai never had an extended courtship period. They jumped from being friends to sleeping in each other’s beds any chance they got. He doesn’t want to lose himself in Yuugao like he did with Kurenai. It’s probably a sign that Yuugao is good for him.

He still sleeps with other women, but infrequently. Aoba made a comment about it the other day, but Raidou shrugged and said he needed to recover. It made the guys laugh, which is why he said it, but it was a lie. Raidou knew he was going to see Yuugao later that night.

“Raidou,” Genma says, making Raidou look up. “What are you thinking about?”

“Why you keep telling us about Anko when it’s dead in the water.” Raidou deadpans. Genma squawks and nearly drops the ball, making Aoba laugh.

“That was a good one,” Aoba says. “What do you think Kakashi?”

“Whether or not I want to make a joke about Kurenai.” Kakashi leans back, and Raidou shoots him a dirty look. They all know that Raidou and Kurenai’s relationship isn’t dead. If it were, they could all be in the same room.

“Ha ha,” Raidou says.

“Whatever happened with Yuugao?” Aoba asks.

“Yuugao?” Kakashi asks. She had been on his Anbu team. He always liked her. She has a sensible head on her shoulders. “As in Hayate’s Yuugao?”

“Yes,” Raidou says defensively. “We’ve been hanging out.” Kakashi sighs as Genma and Aoba smirk. ‘Hanging out’ is what Raidou and Kurenai had done for nine years. It is Raidou’s favored euphemism.

“Please tell me you’re both full clothed,” Kakashi rubs his eyes, “she’s a good girl.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“It’s lots of fun being naked with her.” He presses his mouth into a line.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Aoba shakes his head, “an ugly motherfucker like you, getting all the prettiest girls in Konoha.”

“Pretty women like defective men. It’s their kink.” Raidou sits up and stretches.

“Want to tell us how Asuma’s defective?” Genma smirks and Kakashi groans.

“He is our friend,” Kakashi says.

“Curious minds want to know,” Aoba says, “c’mon Raidou, I like your petty streak.” Raidou slumps back down. He’s got a few zingers, but he spits out the first one that comes to mind.

“There are insects with more complex inner lives than Asuma,” Raidou drawls. Aoba laughs while Genma shrugs.

“You’re not wrong,” he says.

“You really aren’t,” Kakashi sighs. It’s well known that Asuma isn’t the brainiest in their class.

“What can he do right? He isn’t even as ugly as you,” Aoba cracks, and Raidou laughs.

“I have no fucking clue,” he snorts, “you’d have to ask Kurenai.”

“She’s going to freak out when she finds out about Yuugao,” Genma says. He catches the ball and holds onto it for a second. “Have you thought about how to let her down easy?” Raidou blinks, his mouth open.

“Let her down?” he asks, “she has a boyfriend.”

“She’s still going to be upset,” Genma says. “She’s the one who got between you two at the funeral.”

“Picking up girls at a funeral,” Aoba clucks, “have you no _shame_?”

“She didn’t have to go and fuck our other teammate,” Raidou chews his thumbnail, “and she already knows.” All three men look at him, and Raidou shifts in his seat.

“What do you mean she already knows?” Kakashi asks.

“I mentioned Yuugao to her awhile back. She made a face and hasn’t really spoken to me since.” Raidou shrugs, and watches Genma squeeze the ball. Kakashi and Aoba exchange glances while the tendon rises in Genma’s neck.

They have been refraining from sharing their harsher judgements of Kurenai’s behaviour in front of Raidou, but this it’s hard to stay neutral when she has an attitude about Raidou finding love again.

“What?” Raidou asks.

“It’s just funny that she is reacting like that,” Kakashi says in a dismissive voice. Raidou frowns.

“I did the same thing to her when I got back,” he replies, “I am no better.”

“She’s supposedly in love with someone else.” Genma says, “she should be over it. You came back, and everything had changed. Those are two different things.” Raidou crosses his arms.

“I told her it was okay,” he says, “I shouldn’t have sulked like I did.” He frowns. “I don’t really want to talk about this.” Genma nods and tosses the ball to Aoba.

“So, Yuugao.” Aoba says.

“Yeah, Yuugao.” Raidou scratches the side of his thumb.

“I like her,” Genma says. “She’s nice.”

“She could also kick you ass, Raidou.” Aoba smirks. Raidou sighs.

“They both could.” Yuugao wouldn’t, but right now, Raidou bets that Kurenai would consider it.

“But Yuugao could kick anyone’s ass.” Genma says, “maybe not Kakashi, but that’s not a big deal.”

“She could definitely beat up Asuma,” Kakashi says, “and there is a certain justice in you ending up with the stronger partner.”

“She’s not my partner.” Raidou smiles to himself. It makes them all happy, to see that whole, peaceful expression on his face. The last few months have been rough for Raidou, and it is nice to see him look like his old self again.

It is Genma who drops the ball.

**

That night, Raidou finds himself hovering over Yuugao, kissing her sweaty neck and thinking about how much he would like to actually hang out with her. She sighs under him as he pulls out, and when he takes her ear lobe in his teeth, she giggles.

“What?” she asks, stretching rather than scrunching her neck. He makes her tingle all over, in a nice way.

“I’m just thinking,” he says, not finishing the thought. Yuugao turns her head and looks up at him, putting a hand to his cheek.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks in a quiet voice. Raidou is briefly entranced by the way her lips move. He blinks.

“About fun things we could do.” He shrugs. She grins at the apparent innuendo.

“Fun things where?” she asks. He smiles.

“They aren’t dirty.” He says, sighing as she arches her back, pressing their tummies together. She tightens her legs around his waist and smiles innocently up at him.

“I like it when things are dirty,” she says. “You’re really good at those kinds of things.” He rolls his eyes.

“But you know, I think it could be a lot of fun doing something not naked.” Raidou leans down and kisses her jaw. “You look really good naked but,” he pants, “I kinda want to see what you’re like when I’m not inside of you.”

“You want to see me fully clothed?” Yuugao asks, a little surprised. The truth it that she has been wanting to spend time with Raidou, fully clothed in broad daylight, for some time now.

“Well, I’ll always prefer you naked but yes, I want to see you fully dressed sometime soon.” He smiles at her like a little kid. _He’s so cute_ , she feels herself melt a little more.

“Really?” she sits up on her elbows, her mouth right against his. “Should I go put my clothes on?”

“Is that a yes?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“It’s a yes,” she smirks, “I’ll even go do it right now.” Raidou frowns and doesn’t move.

“Maybe not right now,” he says. “I’m pretty comfortable.” Yuugao grins.

“You sure?” she asks. Raidou leans forward and kisses her, deep.

Positively.

**

Kurenai waits for Raidou outside of the barracks, her arms crossed. When she spots him leaving the building, she walks over to him. She has slept on it, and she has decided that she is going to be a better person. Raidou deserves better from her. He is the only family she has left, and she needs to treat him like it.

She notices that he seems a lot peppier than he has been over the past few months. There is colour to his cheeks, and when he sees her, he smiles easily. Like he used to. Her heart constricts, and Kurenai swallows back her pride _. I need to make things right_ , she reminds herself. She still loves him with every fibre of her being, and that probably won’t change. But she can at least try to have a more appropriate relationship with him.

“Raidou,” she says, smiling at him. Raidou tilts his head and walks up to her.

“Kurenai,” his voice is gruff, like he has just woken up.

“How have you been?” she asks. Raidou sticks his bottom lip out and considers her question. He is going to see Yuugao not naked, for lunch tomorrow. He hasn’t been given any depressing hits to go on. He tucks his hands into his pockets and looks right into her eyes.

“Honestly,” he says, “I have been doing well. How are you?” Kurenai hums.

“I’ve been okay,” she says. She still feels empty without him, but it aches less and less. It’s not that Asuma is filling the hole, so much as he is creating his own burrow inside of her. Raidou shrugs at her.

“We’re speaking. That counts for something.” Kurenai nods, although she wants to reply _, just because it’s something doesn’t mean it’s anything good_. She wants to make things difficult. Give Raidou a little bit of hell.

But that wouldn’t be in the spirit of becoming a better person. _I still really, really love you_ , she wants to say. She knows that in the spirit of really, really loving Raidou, she should let him be happy. So, she looks up at him and smiles.

“Are you free today?” she asks. Raidou relaxes, and his eyes soften. He has wanted to spend the day with her for a long time.

“It’s my day off,” he replies. “I was going to go get something to eat.” When she left this morning, Yuugao had kissed the spot behind his ear, and it still makes his face feel tingly.

“Can I join you?” she asks. He nods.

“You have no idea how much I have wanted to spend time with you.” He sighs and smiles like he did when he was a boy. His lower lip hangs loose and his eyes crinkle at their corners. Kurenai smiles.

“I feel the same,” she says quietly. He looks away from her first and starts walking. Kurenai looks at his back for a second before she follows him. She is going to take Asuma’s advice, and not make it harder than it needs to be, to watch Raidou be happy with someone else.

She still really, really loves him. It’s the least she can do.

**

_Raidou grunts as he jumps up onto a branch. Asuma follows him, and they stare each other down for a second. They aren’t really friends, and they don’t speak to each other often, but they had still been teammates, and that counts for something. The thing is, what started as friendly sparring morphed into straight up combat. They keep throwing themselves at each other, and neither is willing to go down first._

_“Raidou,” Asuma breathes hard, “what are we doing?”_

_“Playing our game.” Raidou pants, wiping his face with the back of his hand._

_“No. I mean, why do we always do this? Asuma asks. He and Raidou seem to aggravate each other, even though, now that Asuma stops to think of it, there is no reason for them to be so angry._

_“Don’t know. Don’t care.” Raidou bends down and calculates the speed v. impulsion required to get over from Point A to Point B and knock Asuma flat on his ass. Asuma’s shoulders tense and he readies a counterattack._

_Sometimes, you just need to feel like you’ve launched someone into the afterlife._

_Raidou leaps and Asuma stiffens._

_This is the rule of big brothers: no matter how big you become, they will always have a way of seeming heavier and thudding harder._

_Raidou’s brother comes up from below and knocks Asuma off his perch. Asuma’s brother effortlessly swings Raidou to the left. Asuma and Raidou both fall to the ground with twin thuds. Raidou lands flat on his back, while Asuma ends up on his ass._

_“What the fuck was that?” Asuma squawks. Raidou’s brother grins, standing over him._

_“Preventing a double homicide,” he offers his hand, which Asuma takes._

_“That’s not a real reason to intervene,” Raidou mouths off. He sits up, and Asuma’s brother looks down at him with disinterest._

_“Because the Moms would be pretty mad if I let something happen to you.” His brother smiles at him._

_“Moms is dead,” Raidou says, “as in, she no longer exists; she has no skin in the game.” His brother frowns._

_“Even more reason to keep you on this mortal coil,” he pauses, “do you really believe that?” he asks._

_“You should look up radical non-being. You could learn a lot,” Raidou says. Personally, he takes great comfort in knowing that one day, he will cease to exist. His brother looks unimpressed. Indifference feigned or otherwise, towards their dead mother doesn’t go over well with him._

_“Were you two actually trying to kill each other? Because that’s illegal.” Asuma’s brother says, watching Raidou get up with contempt._

_Asuma’s brother is, quite frankly, a pretentious asshole. Raidou’s brother says that it’s because he is always striving for excellence; you know, the kind of person who thinks that self-improvement can actually make you in a superior being, even though we are all doomed to be what we are. For some reason, Raidou’s brother finds this charming rather than repulsive, and he refers to Asuma’s brother as Himself, like, to his face. It caught on, and now everyone uses that name instead of his given one._

_“Kurenai isn’t murder-your-comrade pretty,” Himself uses his most bored voice, which Raidou thinks is on purpose._

_“Who said it has anything to do with her?” Asuma asks in a defensive tone. Himself rolls his eyes._

_“I can’t think of any other reason why you would want to kill Raidou.” Asuma’s face twists, and before he can hurl out a response, Raidou’s brother puts his hands up._

_“Hey, hey. You know Himself said that to be an asshole.” He says. Asuma frowns and looks over at Raidou, who shrugs in response._

_Their brothers have a knack for making them feel small. When Raidou was fourteen and Kurenai and Asuma were ten, they were given their first solo mission. Unbeknownst to them, Raidou’s brother and Himself decided to tag along, even though it was supposed to be an easy mission. When they encountered enemy nin in their territory, the two men had leapt down from the trees and immediately intervened. The two moved well together; they are balletic athletes, watching each other’s backs while keeping their eyes on the target. It made Raidou and Asuma feel insignificant. It was worse when their brothers told them off in front of Kurenai: “maybe if you two communicated with each other instead of hovering over her, you would have noticed that we were following you the whole time.”_

_Raidou is twenty-two, but right now, he feels like he is fourteen again. He can tell from Asuma’s crossed arms that he feels the same._

_“Why are you two here?” Asuma frowns as he asks the question. Raidou’s brother grins, and Himself stands a little taller._

_“Himself has just been recruited to Anbu,” Raidou’s brother says. “We were going to get dinner, and we thought you two would want to join us.” He has a hopeful expression, even though he is the only one who is genuinely excited by the idea of all four of them hanging out._

_“If you two aren’t going to kill each other.” Himself adds._

_“Don’t you have to go out on a mission tonight?” Raidou asks. His brother shrugs._

_“It’s just courier duty. I am going to head out after dinner.” He replies. “I, for one, would like the two of you to join us.” Now that it is just the two of them in their parents’ house, Raidou and his brother don’t spend a lot of time together anymore. They pass each other by, most of the time. Raidou wonders if it would be different if their parents were still alive._

_“We already have plans,” Raidou says, “a bunch of us are going to meet up at the bar.”_

_“Don’t you two want to eat something before destroying your livers?” Himself asks. Times like this, it becomes evident that their older brothers wished that Asuma and Raidou were better friends. Asuma looks a away and dusts himself off._

_“I need to go shower.” He takes out a pack of cigarettes and his lighter. Himself wrinkles his nose._

_“That’s a filthy habit.”_

_“Why do you think I’m going to shower after?” Asuma retorts, giving Himself the middle finger. Raidou looks at his brother, who shrugs. Himself and Asuma have always had an adversarial relationship. It’s just who they are._

_Asuma walks off, and Raidou stares after him. He doesn’t want to walk back with Asuma, but he doesn’t exactly want to stay here and hang out with his brother and Himself._

_“I got to go shower,” Raidou says, not moving. His brother tucks his hands into his pockets, and pins Raidou with a look._

_“Why aren’t you two friends?” Raidou tilts his head in response._

_“What?”_

_“You heard me. Why aren’t you and Asuma actual friends?” his brother sighs, “you were on the same team, you’ve known each other since you were small, your both assholes in your own way…”_

_“We don’t have anything in common.” Raidou says. “We just have the same friends.” His brother rolls his eyes._

_“That’s not a good reason.” He says._

_“I’m too ugly and he’s too dumb,” Raidou shrugs, “that’s just life for you.”_

_“No,” his brother says, “really, try and answer my question. Why aren’t you and Asuma friends?” Himself puts his hands on his hips and looks between the two brothers._

_Raidou tries to come up with a satisfying answer, he really does. But there isn’t one._

_“It’s just how things ended up.” He replies. His brother pouts but accepts that answer._

_“You two need to watch out for each other,” Himself says, “Asuma doesn’t listen to me, but maybe you will. One day, we won’t be around, and you will need to protect each other.”_

_“You two are so serious,” Raidou replies. He can never, in a million years, imagine going on a mission with Asuma and neither coming back home. It’s not because they watch out for each other or anything. It’s that they both know carrying the body back would be fucking annoying, and neither of them like to be a hindrance to other people._

_“We just want you two to appreciate each other,” Raidou’s brother says. Raidou smirks._

_“Gross.”_

_“Fuck, you know what I mean.” His brother smiles at him, and Raidou feels a tug in his chest. He suspects that he won’t see his brother for a long time after this. Like something bad is on the horizon, behind the clouds. His brother will probably just get stuck for a few days. Raidou shakes his head, and his brother laughs at his expression._

_“Whatever. Good luck on your mission,” Raidou says, “I feel like there is a storm coming.”_

_“You might be right,” his brother says, his face unreadable. After a second, he chooses to smile: “catch you on the flipside, Raidou.” His brother waves him off. Raidou blinks._

_“What’s the flip side?” he asks._

_“Dunno. Death, maybe?” Raidou’s brother shrugs. Orphans are comfortable joking about death. It really isn’t a big deal, in the grand scheme of things._

_“You’re such an asshole,” Raidou says, turning to head home. “I’ll see you around.”_

_And later, he did._

**

When Kurenai gets home that night, she smiles when she sees Asuma at her door. He looks at her and grins.

“Hi,” she says, pulling her keys out of her pocket.

“Hello,” he replies. “I just got back.”

“And the first person you come to see is me?” Kurenai asks in a girlish voice, blinking like a cartoon character. Asuma smirks.

“Well, my parents are both dead and my brother is a fucking asshole, so it wasn’t really a competition.” Kurenai hums in response.

“I’ve had such a good day that not even your rude comments can’t bring me down.” She unlocks the door and pushes it in.

“Oh, really?” he drawls, following her into the apartment.

“Really,” she replies. She spent the whole day with Raidou. They got breakfast, went on a walk, got lunch, and then lay down on the grass and talked for hours. Kurenai and Raidou looked each other in the eye the whole time, and her tummy tightened when he brushed a lock of hair out of her face.

She had wanted to jump him then, but she didn’t, because she is trying to be a good person. But that tiny gesture of affection will keep her full for a long time. She will nurture that tender feeling, so that is will last.

“So, what happened?” Asuma asks. Kurenai smiles to herself.

“I just has a perfect day,” she smiles, “I did what I always want to do.” _Stare into Raidou’s eyes_.

**

_Four shots of tequila slosh around Kurenai’s stomach as Genma dances in front of her. They face each other, their shoulders, hips, arms and legs mirroring each other. They are so drunk that they aren’t the least bit ashamed to admit that they have been practicing how to walk like an Egyptian, all for the moment that the song came on. That was when Anko bounced to have a smoke with Asuma, and Shizune decided to wander back to where Raidou and Kakashi are standing. Guy is talking to someone, so it is just the two of them. Now, it’s just regular synth-pop playing. Kurenai and Genma, in their dancing mind-meld, decide it is time for a break._

_“Want to do more coke?” Genma leans into Kurenai’s ear, as she grabs his wrist._

_“Later. I want to sit down for a second.” She says, pulling him off of the dancefloor. She looks around and finds an open table, and flops down. Genma walks away to get them each a glass of water. When he comes back, he sits on Kurenai’s lap._

_“Why are you sitting on me?” she squeaks._

_“Because I want to make you puke under my weight,” Genma replies, pulling his senbon out of his mouth. She is so sweaty that there will be sweat left on her chair. Genma’s bare legs stick to hers, and he pulls out a little baggie from his pocket._

_“I hate you.” She says._

_“Same.” Genma deadpans. Kurenai puffs her cheeks and turns her head to look at Raidou. He is standing beside Kakashi, holding a drink and looking handsome. Shizune says something funny. She can tell by the way Raidou throws his head back._

_Genma looks at the baggie in the light. “I love coke,” he says, pulling out his house key._

_“You are such a bro,” Kurenai drawls. Genma snorts._

_“I’m just a man, Kurenai.” He tucks the baggie and the key into his shirt pocket, prepared for when Kurenai says it’s time to go to the bathroom and do a few more bumps._

_“A man?” she snorts, “please.”_

_“I’m the one with a penis.” Genma says, taking a sip of his water._

_“But I have a metaphorical penis.” Kurenai picks up her own glass of water. Genma nearly spits out his water from laughing._

_“A metaphorical penis? What do you even do with that?” he asks. The idea of Kurenai, with her short skirts and pale thighs, being well hung and somehow hiding it from everyone tickles Genma. “Is it a big, pretty dick?” he chuckles to himself. Kurenai frowns at the back of his head._

_“Guess you’ll have to suck it to find out.” She says. Genma turns to look at her over his shoulder._

_“You want me to suck your metaphorical dick?” his eyes sparkle from the drugs and alcohol and dancing._

_“Yes. Suck my dick Genma,” she pops her lips as she says his name. Genma snorts._

_“Bite me.” He drawls. Kurenai smirks and leans forward to bite the back of his arm. It is sticky and sweaty, completely devoid of sexuality._

_“That doesn’t hurt!” Genma says in a sing-song voice, looking out at the dancefloor. Kurenai is the only person he likes dancing with. He doesn’t want to have sex with her, so he doesn’t have to worry about looking cool. She looks around and sees Raidou looking right at her. With one of his searing, all-knowing looks. He gives her a smirk that makes her feel like a little kid instead of a woman. It pisses her off. She silently apologizes to Genma._

_As she looks into Raidou’s eyes, Kurenai narrows her own, and bites down, hard. Genma feels a blunt, dull pain shoot up from the back of his arm, and a little pinch from one of her canines digging into an especially soft spot._

_“That hurts!” He squawks, pulling his arm away. He turns to look at her with a grumpy expression on his face. Raidou looks away, but there is no mistaking it; he was looking right into her eyes as she bit Genma’s arm. Further evidence that the charge between them isn’t in her head._

_“Sorry,” she murmurs, giving Genma a soft look. He huffs and turns around, unaware that he was piece in the game between Kurenai and Raidou. He lets her lean forward and kiss the bitemark. As her lips touch his skin, she looks up, and feels satisfied to see Raidou looking at her. He doesn’t look for very long, but it feels like a victory. “Sorry.”_

_“It’s fine,” he says, “just come do coke with me in the men’s bathroom.” Kurenai wraps her arms around his waist, and he groans. “What is it now?” he whines._

_“I just want to ho-old you,” she says, looking over at Raidou. She doesn’t just want him to look; she wants him to_ see _her. Genma rolls his eyes. He looks over in the direction her face is pointed in, and snorts again._

_Kurenai’s crush on Raidou isn’t a secret. She’s been obsessed with him since forever. Genma turns to look at her face as Raidou starts talking to Shizune. Kurenai’s eye twitches._

_“You’re so obvious.” Genma says softly. Kurenai looks up at him, her expression troubled._

_“I just want him to see me,” she murmurs, “everyone else does.” Her eyes are big. From experience, Genma knows that if he doesn’t get some coke into her soon, she will go into one of her weepy moods._

_“C’mon, let’s go do some coke, and then we can dance some more, and then we can go home and pass out on my bed. We can even go get waffles tomorrow, my treat.” Genma looks down at her, eyes soft. Kurenai looks up at him._

_“I just…I think he likes me too. He always looks at me like he can see my insides.” Kurenai squirms, and Genma makes a face at her._

_“Gross.”_

_“I’m not making it up.” She says. Genma sighs. The truth is that she’s right. Raidou has been circling her for months. He just won’t admit it. Raidou isn’t intentionally blue balling Kurenai, so much as he isn’t sure how to turn his childhood friend into something more. You’d think he would know how, but Genma knows that Raidou is, above all else, terrible at talking to girls who really matter to him. It’s why he can never get it right with Kurenai; she is the most important person to him, full stop. Well, other than his brother._

_“Did you think things would magically change when you turned eighteen?” Genma asks. Kurenai frowns. Her birthday was four months ago. They all did ecstasy and watched her and Genma dance in the middle of a sweaty dancefloor, like this one. Raidou had carried her home and let her gum on the shell of his ear. She apologized the next day, but he blushed and said it was fine. His brother had cackled at that one. Asuma’s older brother was there too, and he smirked at Raidou._

_It feels like every man but Raidou is willing to admit that she is pretty. Kurenai can be desired by every other man in this world, but it means nothing if Raidou won’t tell her what to do with her mouth. He could say jump, and she would simply ask “how high?”_

_“No.” Her head rests on Genma’s back as she looks up at him._

_“You’re not cute when you look sad.” Genma says, “take it from a man. Your expression is making my dick shrivel up.” She laughs, and Genma smiles. “C’mon, do coke with me.”_

_“Okay, okay. You are such a little coke monster.” She releases him. He stands up and holds out his hand to help her up. “Can I braid your hair in the bathroom?”_

_“You can do anything to me if it involves coke. I am so desperate, I would even eat you out for a bump,” he puts his arm around her waist, and she makes a disgusted face._

_“Gross. I never want to think of that image again,” Kurenai puts a hand over his, which rests on her stomach._

_“Well, good thing we have enough blow to destroy our braincells.” His shorts hit mid-thigh, and she likes how their legs stick together. She is one of her obnoxiously short and tight dresses. She looks up at him. He has a sort of elfin face; very angular, like a fox. His hair is down, and he is wearing a choker like he did when they were twelve. She smiles when she sees that it is the one she bought for him. It cost, like, two dollars. He wears it well; he has a pretty neck, and the black choker highlights that._

_“We should go get matching nose piercings,” she says. Genma wrinkles his nose._

_“We have snorted too much coke tonight, and we do it too frequently for it to heal correctly.” Genma speaks right into her ear. He gives Raidou a sly look._

_Genma has no interest in Kurenai, but he does want her to be happy. If her happy place is on Raidou’s dick, who is he to judge? But Raidou needs a kick in the pants. Maybe seeing Kurenai walk into the men’s bathroom with another man will do it._

_“Kurenai,” Genma says in her ear, “let’s give Raidou a show.” Kurenai smirks up at him. She takes his face in her hand and rubs her thumb along the edge of his jaw._

_“This feels wrong,” she laughs. “Can I kiss you?” Genma laughs._

_“We have enough coke that neither of us will remember.” He looks up. “If you are going to do something, you better do it quick.” He looks at her mouth. “Because Kakashi, Shizune, Asuma, Anko and Raidou are all looking at us.” Kurenai doesn’t need to be told twice. She steps in front of Genma, puts her hands on his face and kisses him. She’s nice, so she does it with tongue. Genma reciprocates. It is incredibly platonic. For Kurenai and Genma, swapping spit is as exciting as shaking hands, which is to say, not very. But they are both good at kissing, so it’s pleasant, if forced._

_Their friends can only see the way his arms tighten around her waist and their heads move together. It’s a convincing show. Anko tilts her head. “Huh.” That really about sums it up._

_“Should we do something?” Shizune asks. She looks around._

_“You want to tell two adults whether or not they can stick their tongues in each other’s mouths?” Anko asks. Asuma laughs at that one, as Shizune squeaks out a shy “no.” Raidou chews the lining of his cheek. He and Kurenai have been dancing around each other for months, and Genma knows this. Raidou figures this is probably some ploy to help Kurenai get Raidou’s attention. Reacting would only reward it._

_But as he stands there watching Kurenai’s hands in Genma’s hair, and the way that they pull back and giggle at each other before Kurenai takes his hand and they scurry into the bathroom to snort enough cocaine to kill a horse, Raidou has to admit that he is pretty jealous. He chugs the rest of his beer and decides to call it a night. His brother just went out on a courier mission, and Raidou has one too, but he plans on talking to him about Kurenai as soon as he comes back. His brother always knows the right thing to do._

**

When he sees Yuugao sitting at the picnic table they had agreed to meet at, something in Raidou soared. She is wearing her fatigues, but he can’t see her vest, mask and katana. Her hair is up in a high ponytail, the kind that sits on the crown of the head and makes someone look incredibly young. She is sipping on a juice box, and her face lights up when she sees him.

Raidou walks over, carrying his own lunch in his hands. She wiggles her upper body, and it makes him laugh.

“What’s so funny?” she asks. He sits beside her before answering.

“That you’re so happy to see an old, ugly dude.” Raidou unwraps his sandwich while Yuugao sucks on her juice. “Do you like juice boxes?”

“Who doesn’t?” she asks, blinking. Raidou smirks.

“I don’t. I hate the sucking noise they make.” He replies. Yuugao responds by sucking, hard. Raidou pretends to wince, covering his ears. She stops sucking and smiles at him with the straw in her mouth. “See? It’s an annoying noise.”

“The juice is worth it.” She replies. Raidou turns to read the label, putting his face right to the box.

“You like grape juice?” he asks, looking up at her.

“Purple is a theme in my life,” she drawls. Raidou sits up and finishes unwrapping his sandwich.

“You don’t wear purple panties,” he says. Yuugao chokes beside him, and he throws his head back and laughs. “Was it the word panties or my comprehensive knowledge of your underwear drawer?”

“I thought this was supposed to be about seeing each other with our clothes on.” She says.

“Well, we can’t avoid the fact that we are here because we spend most of our time together naked.” Raidou smiles at her, and Yuugao feels something inside her melt.

“I brought you something,” she puts hand into her tote bag, and pulls out a plastic baggie. Raidou holds out his hand, and she places it on his palm. He looks down at it, and smiles.

“Did you bake me cookies?” he teases. Kurenai would try to do cute things like this, but she never got it quite right. Yuugao blushes and looks away.

“Well, I thought it would be nice.” She shrugs, “although they might be poisonous.” Raidou smirks.

“I doubt that,” he says, “you wouldn’t have someone to be naked with.”

“I could find someone else,” she says. Raidou shrugs.

“You also aren’t the kind of person who would accidentally poison someone or give them a heads up.” He takes a bite of his sandwich. Yuugao smiles.

“You’re not wrong,” she says, “I just don’t want you to get mad at me.”

“Mad at you?” he asks, swallowing. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Well, if the cookies didn’t turn out right.” She bites her lip. “Hayate…”

“Yuugao, you don’t have to—”

“No, we need to talk about this.” Yuugao frowns. She places a hand on Raidou’s thigh and looks right at him. “Hayate is my first love, and he was the perfect first boyfriend. I was really, really lucky to be with him.” Yuugao gives Raidou a soft look. “It’s not that I don’t like you, or that you haven’t been good to me, because you’ve been great. It’s just that I know Hayate spoiled me, and sometimes I have to remind myself that not every guy is like him. Hayate would eat anything I made, even the gross stuff.” Yuugao exhales. Raidou blinks at her, his head tilted. He frowns for a second.

“It isn’t normal for anyone to get mad at you for making shitty cookies.” He says softly. “You should expect guys to treat you like Hayate did.” Raidou looks down at the ground. “Don’t settle.” Yuugao rubs his thigh.

“I don’t feel like I am,” she smiles when he looks back at her. “And you’ve never given me a reason to think you’d be mad. I just haven’t dated anyone else.” Raidou shrugs.

“It would be fucked up if I got mad at you for being nice to me.” He takes a bite of his sandwich, and she watches him chew and swallow. “I’ve slept around, but I haven’t really dated that much either.”

“Well, do you like dating me?” Yuugao asks. Raidou blinks and smiles.

“You know, I really do.” He says.

This has nothing on yesterday, which was a perfect day with Kurenai, but when Raidou looks into Yuugao’s eyes, he doesn’t just see hope; he also sees acceptance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here is another update. I'm not sure when I will next update, so I tried to make this one substantial. As you can see, we know have our love polygon. I would love to hear what you think about this chapter! I know how this ends, but I have to admit, there are times where I go between Yuugao and Kurenai, or when I think Yuugao and Asuma really deserve each other because they are both *ready*, you know? 
> 
> In the spirit of my thesis, which is reaching it's end stages, the nickname Himself and the Moms is a reference to DFW's "Infinite Jest."
> 
> I'll come back and look at typos later--but if you see something especially egregious, please let me know! Comments are always welcome, they keep me motivated. Stay safe out there!


	6. A Raindrop in the Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raidou thinks about growing. Kurenai drags him down.

“you were like falling water coming down on me”

Maggie Rogers “Fallingwater”

Three fractured ribs, one dislocated shoulder and a concussion later, Raidou now shares a room with Genma in the hospital. He doesn’t know how the Sound Ninja got into the village, nor how they convinced Uchiha Sasuke to go with them, but nevertheless; Raidou is incredibly pissed that he and Genma lost. Sasuke could be anywhere, and he knows Kakashi was upset when he heard the news, before he went after them.

Raidou didn’t know Sasuke was in the barrel. It makes him feel worse for letting them get away.

Genma is in good spirits. He is sitting up, happily eating a pudding cup and talking to the nurses. He has a way of rolling with the punches that Raidou deeply envies. Genma turns to him, pudding cup apparently empty.

“You going to eat that?” Genma points at the cup on Raidou’s bed stand.

“No,” he mumbles, “you can have it.” Genma reaches over, while Raidou looks out the window.

“You’re pouting.” Genma says, tearing off the lid of the cup.

“I don’t like losing.” Raidou clucks his tongue. Genma has no response, so he opens the pudding cup.

They hear steps coming down the hall, and within a minute Kurenai has flung the door open, Asuma and Guy behind her. She charges in, heading towards Raidou, before pausing, and going to sit on Genma’s bed. Asuma and Guy are talking, so they don’t notice. Genma narrows his eyes at her. Apparently, he noticed too. Raidou rolls his eyes. The last thing he needs is to listen to them bicker.

“Raidou,” Kurenai says softly, “are you okay?”

“What about me?” Genma squawks, mouth full of pudding. Kurenai flicks her eyes at him before looking at Raidou.

“I’m in one piece.” Raidou says, “my heart is beating. I’m fine.” Kurenai sighs, unsatisfied with his response. What was he supposed to say? That he has never been better? Raidou frowns. He doesn’t understand her angle.

“I was worried about you.” Kurenai replies, still ignoring Genma.

“What about me, Kurenai?” Genma asks again, impatient. She turns to him, and shrugs. Raidou snorts and looks out the window. Asuma walks to the end of his bed, arms crossed.

“You seem down.” Asuma drawls, “Genma, we know you’re fine because you are eating Raidou’s pudding.” Genma, spoon in his mouth, shrugs.

“Raidou,” Guy says, “you look like you lost your best friend.” Raidou turns to Guy and blinks.

“I’m just disappointed in myself,” he replies. Asuma snorts.

“You always brood.” He tucks a cigarette behind his ear. “It’s usually more charming than depressing.” Raidou shrugs.

“I can’t always be a source of entertainment.” Raidou looks down at his blanket. “Is Kakashi back yet?” Guy, Asuma and Kurenai all shake their heads.

“He won’t handle this well.” Raidou says. “This is going to be bad.” Kurenai looks into Raidou’s eyes and tilts her head. It is the look she gives him when she is about to comfort him. The days of her putting her arms around him are over, so all he can do is smile at her.

Genma opens his mouth to speak, when there is knock at the door. Annoyed to once again interrupted, Genma shouts “COME IN!”

Yuugao pokes her head in, before entering. She smiles at everyone, but she walks to Raidou’s bed. Kurenai’s mouth sets in a line. Yuugao is in civilian clothes. She is wearing a pink dress. It’s a dusty color and simple cut, but it’s pretty. Yuugao is dressed the way a woman dresses when she wants a man to see her as a woman. It makes Kurenai’s heart drop to see her sit down at the end of Raidou’s bed.

“I heard you were in the hospital.” Yuugao says softly. Seeing the obvious, Asuma and Guy excuse themselves, going to fetch Genma another pudding cup. Kurenai stays. Neither of them questions her, but Genma frowns. She is too busy watching Yuugao and Raidou’s exchange.

“I’m in the hospital.” Raidou smiles, and Kurenai’s heart twists when she sees his cheeks turn pink.

“I thought about buying you flowers, but that seemed cliché.” Yuugao replies.

“I hate flowers.” Raidou says, and Yuugao laughs. She puts her hand on Raidou’s knee, and he leans forward. Kurenai feels sick.

She jumps when Genma pulls the curtain between them. He pokes his head out from behind, telling a startled Raidou and Yuugao that he and Kurenai would like to give them some privacy. Kurenai glares at him when he comes back behind the curtain. Genma scowls back.

“Why did you do that?” she whispers. Genma shrugs.

“I wanted to give them a moment.” He says quietly.

“But Yuugao?” Kurenai asks, “don’t you think she’s young?” Genma narrows his eyes.

“No,” he whispers, “you are not pretty enough to act like this.”

“What do you mean?” Kurenai hisses.

“A brat.” He fights to keep his voice low, “you are not pretty enough to act wronged. You chose someone else. Deal with it.” He sits back in his bed, agitated. Kurenai frowns.

“I am not a brat.”

“Yes, you are. Raidou and Asuma, hell, even Kakashi indulge you. You have never dealt with the consequences of your actions.” Kurenai stands up and flashes Genma the middle finger, before she shoves the curtain out of her face.

“See you later!” She says in her fake happy voice. “Raidou, let me know if you need anything.” He looks at her, his eyes dark.

He can tell that she still thinks about him the way he thinks about her. Yuugao, clueless, looks between the two of them.

“I’ll see you around, Kurenai.” Raidou smiles his fake smile. Kurenai knows, that he knows, that she knows that neither of them are very happy.

**

Kurenai drums her fingers on the tabletop as Asuma sips his coffee. She is looking at him, in a way that tells him that she wants him to ask her what’s on her mind. He puts his mug down on the table. He doesn’t like playing Kurenai’s little games, but they bring her closer to him. The principle of game-playing rankles him, but he has learned that being with Kurenai is about compromise. _Raidou spoiled you_ , he thinks, _and now I have to put up with it_. Aoba asked Asuma why he even bothered, when Kurenai had only ever shown interest in Raidou. The answer is simple: no one says no when the girl whose attention you always wanted finally says yes. Or, at least, that’s his answer. He sighs and looks at Kurenai.

“You look like you’re thinking about something.” He tries not to sound dismissive. Kurenai is a very thoughtful person. Her brain is always on. It’s exhausting to keep up.

“What do you think of Yuugao?” she asks, biting her lip. Asuma tilts his head. He is considering her question. She sees the exact moment that he decides that he is going to trust her; that she really is _just friends_ with Raidou.

“I don’t think about her,” he replies, “but I think she and Raidou are cute.”

“Cute?” Kurenai asks. She tries not to spit out the word, but it is the opposite of how she feels. Asuma tucks in his chin and sighs.

“Is there another word you would prefer?” Kurenai narrows her eyes.

“You’re talking to me like I’m Ino.” She stands up and walks over to the sink. Asuma follows her with his eyes, frowning.

“What do you mean?” he asks. Kurenai doesn’t bother to look back.

“Your tone implies that I am being difficult.” She says. He blinks.

“You are being difficult.” He crosses his arms and leans back in the chair. “She visited Raidou in the hospital. There is something happening there.” He tilts his head back, staring at the ceiling. _Are you jealous, Kurenai?_ “Yuugao is cute. She’s a nice person. Leave it at that.”

“She thought about buying him flowers. Who buys Raidou flowers?” Kurenai turns on the sink and begins to wash her hands. If Asuma weren’t here, she would rub them raw.

“Someone who wants to show him that they care.” Asuma drawls. “Yuugao wants him to know how she feels. It’s why I buy you flowers.” Kurenai hums in response.

Like Raidou, she doesn’t see the point in flowers. She accepts them, because they are how Asuma shows affection, but she resents having to prevent inevitable decay for a week. She, quite frankly, has better things to do. But she turns back to Asuma and smiles to placate him. She has spent so much time being the kind of girl he wants, that she doesn’t know how to be direct with him.

“But I like flowers,” she lies. Asuma shrugs.

“I think Raidou would appreciate the gesture. He’s kind.” Asuma wishes, not for the first time, that he and Raidou were better friends. “Did you know that he has kept every birthday card ever given to him?”

Kurenai does know this, but it surprises her that he does. “I bought him a tin for them.”

“Every birthday card, from all his friends and family, from the last twenty years.” Asuma smiles. “Himself and I got him a really good card one year. It had a grumpy old man on it. I forgot what it said, exactly, but he laughed pretty hard.” Asuma sighs. “I think it was the birthday before his brother died.” He frowns, looking down at the table.

Asuma has never said this to anyone, but Himself is convinced that he is the reason Raidou’s brother died. Himself was caught up in Anbu, that by the time he noticed that Raidou’s brother was missing, it was too late. It was Asuma and Himself who found him, who brought him back. The only time Himself ever admitted to failure was when he told Asuma that he had failed his best friend. Himself cried, and then got over it.

Now he’s married and he has a kid, but Asuma hasn’t seen him really smile in a long, long time.

“I wasn’t there,” she says, “I was busy, that birthday.” Actually, Raidou had made fun of the way her third toe is longer than her second, so she told him that she wasn’t going to go see him.

She ended up sneaking into his room later that night, and they lay on his bed, looking at all the glow in the dark stars she had put up there. He had showed her the card. It was an old man, smiling with his mouth open, no teeth, just gums. _Maybe next year, I’ll be dead_. Raidou had howled at that one.

She brought cake over, so they decided to get really high, eat some cake and watch “My Neighbor Totoro.” It freaked her out so bad that he let her sleep with her face in his armpit, and he slept beside her for the next week when she had nightmares. No man ever loved her like that without sex being attached.

“I think Raidou’s brother would like Yuugao.” Asuma says, watching her reaction. Kurenai smiles.

“He would,” she says, turning off the tap. She finds some comfort in knowing that Raidou’s brother would always champion her. He too, would see that Yuugao isn’t quite right.

**

_It is late summer, and the fireflies are out. She hops the fence with ease, and successfully avoids the rose bush in her mom’s garden, landing on the cool grass. He follows her; she can feel the way he thuds against the ground. Kurenai turns back to Raidou, and he is right behind her. She offers her enigmatic smile, the one that signals that she is about to drag him into trouble._

_She is twenty-two and he is twenty-six, two full grown adults. But like a lot of people who have had to grow up too quickly, they both have a tendency to act like teenagers when they have a little bit of spare time._

_Raidou sits back on his heels, waiting for her to come to him. Sure enough, she comes over, and kisses him with her back against the green grass and his against the inky sky. She pulls away, smiling. She looks into his eyes, biting her lip. He snorts in response, standing and helping her up._

_They walk to her parents’ backdoor, and even though they have been dead for years and the house has been hers ever since, it will always be her parents’ house. She just moved into the barracks, where the rest of their class lives, but instead of throwing a house-warming party there, she though it would be a better idea to host it off-site, away from the prying eyes of their colleagues and superiors. The house would get lonely without a family, and her former classmates are the closest thing to family that she has._

_Of course, not everyone can make it. Aoba spends all his time in T &I. Obito and Rin are long dead, and Asuma has run off to figure his life out. Raidou had sent him an invitation, but Asuma had “politely declined.” Kurenai doesn’t know what Raidou meant by that, but in any case, neither had expected their teammate to show up. Asuma was always fighting with his dad about something, and they had lost track of whether, this time, it had been over the girls and the drugs or Asuma’s disinterest in being like his older brother or his inability to grasp whatever lesson his dad has always been trying to teach him. _

_They walk into the kitchen, and she must have forgotten to lock the door, because Genma is already inside putting beer in the fridge and Anko is getting the drugs lined up. Ibiki is trying to plug in all the strobe lights Anko brought over, while Hayate is politely listening to Guy go on about the latest Fountain of Youth he had claimed to find. Hayate has a gift for sitting back and allowing other people to express themselves, and he is so good that when he inevitably follows up with “did you get what you needed?” the other person always replies with a yes._

_She can hear the click of Raidou’s tongue, knowing he is trying to keep himself from telling her that she needs to lock her door. She hears another click when he discovers that she left her oven on after lunch this afternoon. She doesn’t even turn around when she mutters “worrywart”; she knows Raidou is glaring right into her soul. She can tell by the way Anko rolls her eyes and Genma scoffs._

_Anko, the procurer of every narcotic they have ever consumed, has brought pot, a little bit of coke for the curious and ecstasy, because, well, what the fuck else are you going to do when you live in a shitty town with a shitty job? Raidou takes a cassette out of his pocket and pops it into the cassette player in the living room. Kurenai smiles when she hears Raidou’s brother’s secret tape—The Talking Heads, the one band which Raidou’s brother adamantly refused to admit that he listened to. Genma rolls his eyes, but Ibiki hums in agreement. Anko offers them each a line. Guy, who chases eternal youth, is the biggest cokehead of all of them, so he is first in line. Ibiki and Anko go next, while Genma snatches the joint off the table._

_“I can’t think of a better album to listen to with this selection of substances.” Genma takes in a puff, and hands the joint to Hayate, who abstains from coke because of the drips. Raidou wanders back into the kitchen and taps the side of his nose. Raidou’s silver rings, one on his ring finger and another on his pinkie, glint in the light. They were gifts from his parents for each promotion: genin to chunnin, chunnin to jounin. He wears his brother’s set on the other hand._

_Anko grins and passes the plate to him with a rolled-up bill. He inhales and puts his head back. Raidou likes to savour the quiet moment between consumption and the oncoming rush. Kurenai doesn’t like the way coke grinds her gears, so she abstains from it. She picks up a pink pill, with a heart pressed into it. She breaks it into four pieces and takes one. She washes it down with a swig of water._

_Anko decides to move the party to the living room. She demands that Ibiki, engaged in a spirited debate with Raidou about weaponry, hit the lights. Ibiki is distracted, so Anko huffs and does it herself. She than grabs Genma and Guy, challenging them to dance. Genma and Anko have been circling around each other for years, and Kurenai thinks it is a matter of time before something happens, if they aren’t already hooking up. They are captivating party people, and those types usually flock to each other. Guy, who has no problems dancing on his own, immediately begins his dance. With his strength and precision, he is the closest a cokehead dancing to The Talking Heads could come to looking like a professional ballet dancer._

_Kurenai stands back, passively observing the gentle way that ecstasy opens her up. Like Raidou, her favourite part of getting high is the tingle right before it sets in. However, she thinks that ecstasy makes her float, like she is on a lake and the sun is beaming down and yet, things are the perfect temperature. It’s how her life would feel if all she could remember only the beautiful things and the horrible experiences had all fallen away._

_Kurenai is wearing a leopard print skirt, which stops just a third of the way down her thigh. She is wearing a black camisole, but she decides that she wants to be more comfortable, so she leaves the living room and goes up the stairs to her room. She was up here just this afternoon, but whenever she comes into this room it strikes her just how much she has grown. The Kate Bush and Joy Division posters are up, and all her photos with her friends and family are still on her dresser. She didn’t want to take much of it with her, because all the things in here remind her that she isn’t a kid anymore. She takes off her shirt, throwing the camisole across her room. It lands on a lampshade, and she doesn’t bother to put it away._

_She is looking around the piles of clothes in her room, looking for this particular shirt, and it would probably help if she turned a light on, but that would disrupt the process. She is wearing a black lace bra, which is the closest thing she has to lingerie, even though the band is snug, and the lace makes her itch. She is crouched on the ground, looking, and if it weren’t for the drugs, she would be a lot more anxious._

_She hears a soft tap-tap at the window, which makes her jump. When she sees Kakashi’s masked face, she sighs with relief. His arms are crossed, but she can tell that he is smiling. She walks across the room, and without thinking of her current state of undress, she opens the window with ease. She stands back so that he can climb in. He is graceful for a tall man navigating a tight space._

_“Peeping into girl’s windows?” Kurenai smiles at him. She doesn’t hide herself or act embarrassed. Kakashi rolls his eyes._

_“I had a hunch.” He steps towards her, and she doesn’t back away. Kakashi gets close enough to see that her pupils are dilated, and the serene expression on her face. Her smile is so big that he can see her canines. If Kakashi weren’t also high, he wouldn’t be so struck by her._

_“So, Anko did give you something.” Kurenai smirks, and Kakashi finds himself studying her lower lip._

_“She knows I tend to wander.”_

_“You and your convenient relationship with linear time.” Kurenai walks toward him, hands on her hips. They are both rolling, that is, they are in the swell of happiness itself, and Kakashi thinks Kurenai has never been nor will she ever be as pretty as she is now. She can’t explain the strange force that compels her to do this, but she stands on her tip toes and kisses the tip of his nose, which is covered by his mask._

_She steps back and looks at him with lidded eyes, and in this moment, he understands what Raidou and Asuma see in her. Kurenai isn’t just pretty. She is utterly beguiling; how has he never seen it before? Maybe the secret to her ability to weaponize illusions is that she is just a collection of images that reassemble at her will. Like she is always presenting the image that most appeals to the person she stands before. Is this what is feels like to be seduced? Kakashi tilts his head, thinking as she smiles up at him. The key to Kurenai’s genjutsu is that she poses the question of desire itself, without having to do anything. Suddenly, it feels like a crime for Raidou and Asuma to circle her all this time. On the other hand, Kakashi doesn’t know if he can love someone who is alive. He only realizes how much he cares after they are dead. He would break her heart ten times over. Nevertheless, he raises his hands, and lowers his mask down to his chin. Unlike most people, who look at his unmasked face as if it weren’t actually his face, Kurenai curls the corners of her lips like he told her a secret that she would be delighted to keep all to herself._

_He likes her hot breath and the triumphant look in her eyes when she knows she is going to kiss him. She kisses his beauty mark, and then his mouth. Her beat is a one-two tap, but he leans in for one more._

_It’s a nice kiss. It comes without expectations, or any pent up or repressed feelings. If kissing was always this easy, Kakashi would do it more often. But he is keenly aware that this bloom in his chest won’t last forever, and that most of the women who have kissed him wanted something he didn’t want to give. But Kurenai doesn’t want anything from him; it is this quality that attracts him the most, and it will still be there when they are sober._

_Before pulling back, Kurenai nips him. She thinks Kakashi is so handsome when he wants to be. She knows he is more comfortable behind the mask for reasons that are none of her business, but it would be a shame for her to be the last woman to see this face. She runs her pointer finger across his lower lip, and he lets it relax on contact._

_“You really are beautiful, Kakashi,” she looks up at him, with her big red eyes, although the iris is more of a sliver, a rim of red around a vortex. Like a solar eclipse. He hugs her closer, and she pulls his mask back up, securing it around his face._

_“Thank you.” His eyes wrinkle, so she knows he is smiling under there. When he lets her go, she turns around, and continues digging for her shirt. Kakashi looks around her room, withholding his questions about why all her clothes are in various piles._

_“I came up here because I saw the strobe lights.” He hears Kurenai snicker._

_“Anko and Genma are always who you expect them to be.” Kurenai replies, pulling her Joy Division shirt out of a pile of laundry with flourish. She quickly pulls it over her head, and when she looks up at him, she smiles brightly._

_“Ready to face them?” Kurenai puts her hand out to hold Kakashi’s, squeezing it. He just shrugs, and she leads him out of her room and down the stairs._

_She yells “look who I found” which prompts a cheer from Guy and Genma. Raidou’s jaw clenches as he runs all the different scenarios through his head. He isn’t proud of his jealousy, because he knows that it isn’t supposed to be a part of the deal, but it is there. Kurenai and Genma are now dancing in a mock waltz, and Anko, not to be outdone, forces Ibiki to be her dance partner. Guy is challenging Kakashi to a dance-off, which the latter it desperately trying to get out of. Raidou, sitting next to Hayate, tries not to pout._

_Hayate, who has been sipping a beer, leans into Raidou’s ear and tells him to stop pouting, because Genma is heading over here with Kurenai right now. Genma picks her up, and Raidou barely has time to prepare himself for her to be dropped on his lap. He grunts and she immediately sits up and puts her arms around his neck, kissing the side of his face. Raidou rolls his eyes but he hugs her back. He relaxes when the jealousy in his gut subsides, but he tries hard to keep a straight face. Kurenai turns to Genma, who is pleased to have an audience._

_“Where’s the girl?” Kurenai has to shout over the music, and Genma gives her a confused look._

_“The girl?” Genma repeats, sounding stupid._

_“You know, the girl?” Kurenai repeats again, and Raidou and Hayate laugh._

_“You haven’t seen Mulholland Drive?” Hayate’s eyes glimmer, and Genma sighs._

_“We broke up.”_

_“I figured,” Raidou says, pulling Kurenai closer to him. Hayate laughs, which prompts Genma to glare._

_“How is Yuugao?” Hayate smiles serenely, and they all know that it means Genma’s fishing for a weakness has failed._

_“You should stop trying to poison the happiness of others, Genma,” Kurenai says, stroking the top of Raidou’s arm. Genma glances at her hands and looks into her eyes. He leans down to whisper his response, Raidou and Hayate now in their own conversation. She is still rolling, so her brain locks into memory what Genma says next._

_“Sometimes, the happiness of others is the poison, Kurenai.”_

**

Raidou’s ribs still hurt, even though they are fully healed. It’s like the way that the scar on his face still itches sometimes. It’s his body’s way of reminding him that he ought to be in pain. Or at least, that is what he tells himself. The last thing he needs is to find out that he has nerve damage. He frowns, looking down at the lunch Kurenai prepared for them. He picks up a slice of cucumber and puts it in his mouth.

Kurenai sits across from him. They are at a picnic table, and it is a nice day. There are civilian kids playing, and it’s nice that she made him lunch despite just coming back from a mission. Kurenai looks like she hasn’t been sleeping well. She smiles at him, but he knows it is a front. They can’t really lie to each other.

She likes the sound of his chewing. Kurenai can’t explain it, she just finds it soothing. In fact, she finds pretty much all of Raidou’s unintentional quirks relaxing. It is probably because she has spent her entire girlhood and most of her adulthood with him. She shakes her foot in the air, and he gives her a look.

“You’re fidgeting,” he says. There is still some cucumber in his mouth. She can tell by the way he talks. He is trying to hide it.

“Am not.” She replies, putting a rice ball in her mouth.

“Are to.” He frowns, swallowing his food. Kurenai shrugs and swallows.

They sit in silence for a while. Kurenai misses Raidou. She misses his snoring and the way he would place his hand over her ears when there was too much noise for her to fall asleep. She misses the hollow of his collar bone, his entire skeleton, really, and all his joints and tendons and muscles and organs and blood vessels and nerves. It doesn’t help, knowing that he is seeing someone. Yuugao is pretty and nice, but Kurenai can’t help but feel contempt for her. Like, _really_ , this is the woman you pick? He could do so much better than the girl Hayate left behind.

Better would be Kurenai, because she still wants him to want her. She is happy that he isn’t so sad all the time, and that he is willing to spend time with her, but not at this price.

“Are you and Yuugao seeing each other?” she asks. Raidou gives her one of his piercing looks, the kind he uses when he is deciding whether or not he really wants to answer the question.

“Not exclusively,” he replies, “but I am happy with how things are going.” Kurenai nods, pick up another rice ball.

“I’m happy for you.” The truth is that she isn’t unhappy for him, but neither is she _happy-happy_ for him. She misses being able to wake up beside him, to use his toothbrush and dab on his cologne so that she could sniff her wrist and think of him. She likes the big and little things about Raidou. She will take all he is willing to give, and then some. She is like a vampire that way.

“Do you like your lunch?” she asks. He smiles.

“It’s not bad.” He replies, “you’ve always been a good cook, when you pay attention.” Raidou smirks, and Kurenai smiles.

“How is Asuma?” he asks. It hurts, but he asks so that one day, it won’t sting.

“He is good.” Kurenai says, “we’re happy.”

“You don’t sound happy,” Raidou says, searching her face. He tries not to look hopeful. Kurenai shrugs.

“I don’t have to look happy to be happy.” She puts a piece of cucumber in her mouth. Raidou tilts his head.

“You like bragging,” he replies, smiling at her. Kurenai huffs.

“Fine, Asuma and I are happy,” she huffs, “are you happy?”

“For you.” He replies. It hurts to hear her say it, but he takes some solace in knowing that she doesn’t sound like she is truly happy.

Raidou never got the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing. It seemed like a waste of time, because as soon as you name a relationship, it dies a little. Or at least, that is what he told himself when he found himself wanting to call Kurenai his girlfriend. _A word like that is too limited in scope; she means more than that_. But maybe that was a lie. Words do mean things, after all, and Raidou feels like leaving their relationship undefined made it easy for Kurenai to push him aside like he meant nothing.

So maybe, just maybe, he wishes that she was his girlfriend after all.

**

Since she visited him in the hospital, Raidou has been wondering when Yuugao will ask him to be exclusive. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be, it’s just that it doesn’t square with how he sees himself. He hates to admit it, but he is so invested in his identity as Big Bad Raidou that he can’t think of himself as someone who settles down. Raidou is also afraid of how Kurenai will react. They haven’t quite settled into friendship, even though they are both trying. She still stares into his eyes, and he will touch her hair. He’d dismiss them as bad habits if looking into her eyes or touching her hair didn’t make him feel so impossibly happy.

They’re both trying, and that counts for something. He turns to look at Yuugao, who is licking an ice cream cone beside him as they walk down the street. Raidou bites his lip. He still doesn’t think he is ready to receive a blow job from anyone other than Kurenai, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t thought about it. _Am I bad person for wanting both Yuugao and Kurenai_? Raidou wonders if this is how Kurenai feels about him and Asuma.

Then, he decides to stop wondering and start living in the _now_. As in, watching Yuugao’s lips and tongue right now. He frowns when she lowers her ice cream to talk.

“I love ice cream,” she chirps, swirling a chunk in her mouth. Raidou spies some on her chin.

“Do you?” he smirks, “I couldn’t tell.” Yuugao swallows and narrows her eyes.

“I like the simple things, Raidou.” She replies. Raidou decides to make his move, stepping in front of her. Yuugao stops right against him, confused. “What are you doing?” she asks.

“Enjoying the simple things,” he smirks, kissing the corner of her mouth before licking the ice cream off her chin. When he pulls back, her eyes are wide, her mouth a tiny ‘o.’ “What?” he asks.

“You licked my chin.” She states, blinking. He tilts his head, confused as to why this is something worth commenting on.

“In broad daylight, no less,” he says. “Is there a problem?” Raidou narrows his eyes as he watches her jaw move up and down. “Did I…violate you?” he asks. Yuugao blinks at him.

“No.” She blushes, “I’m just surprised that you licked me like that.” He snorts.

“Yuugao, my tongue has been all over you.” Well, not _all_ over. She still doesn’t want head, not that he can blame her. She frowns and starts walking, brushing past him. He turns around and watches her walk away from him. He lets her get a few yards away before he goes after her.

When he finally catches up to her, he snatches her wrist. “Yuugao?” he asks, keeping pace with her. She is licking her ice cream, clearly upset about something. “Whatever it is, I’m sorry. I won’t lick you ever again without asking.” He says, confused and a little desperate for her to acknowledge him. She slows down and looks up at him.

“You did it in public,” she says slowly. He nods, clearly not following. “You licked me in public, and only my boyfriend gets to do that.” Raidou narrows his eyes.

“Only your boyfriend can lick your chin in public?” he replies, “You let me touch you in public, I don’t know why this is any different.” Yuugao looks away, biting into her cone. He tucks his hands back into his pockets as they continue walking. She crunches and slurps, and he doesn’t say anything.

When she first said _boyfriend,_ his heart skipped a beat. Raidou thought she meant Hayate, but now that he thinks about it, she just means the man in her life who occupies the role of boyfriend. When she finishes the cone, she wipes her hands on her pants. This is the first awkward silence they’ve shared. Raidou waits for her to speak first.

Her apartment is in sight when she finally starts speaking. He knows it’s because she a) knows he isn’t going to like this conversation and wants a quick getaway and b) she wants that getaway to involve a door, with a lock, to keep him out. Kurenai never wanted to anything between them, even when they fought.

“We’ve been seeing each other for a while, and I know it’s soon,” she sighs, running a hand through her hair. “But I want to be exclusive,” she says, “or, at least, I want to be clear about what we’re doing.”

“Clear?” he asks.

“Yes.” She sighs, “I like you, a lot. But there are some things I’ll only do with my boyfriend.”

“All this, over licking your chin?” Raidou says, “I mean, I get it. But this is where you are going to draw the line?” Yuugao glares at him. She crosses her arms and glowers off into the middle distance.

“Yes. I don’t want you to lick me in public, in broad daylight, in front of everyone, if you aren’t my boyfriend.” Her voice is cold, and Raidou finds himself shrinking away from her.

“I mean, I get it,” he sighs, “but whatever. It’s not a huge loss.”

He only realizes that it is the wrong thing to say after he says it. Yuugao turns to look at him, her eyes cold.

“Is that how you feel?” she asks. Raidou frowns.

“I am supposed to have feelings about not being able to lick you in public?” he deadpans, over this conversation. It’s bad for his image, anyway.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” she looks away as she takes her keys out of her pocket. “I’ll see you around,” she pushes the door of her building open, not bothering to invite him inside. He stares at her back as she walks up the stairs.

**

_Kurenai lies on her side, facing Raidou, who lies flat on his back. It is so hot that they have all the fans on, pointing at the bed, and they are both naked on top of the covers. He has his silver rings on, but that’s it. Raidou can snooze through everything, but Kurenai finds the whirring annoying. Before they had fallen asleep, he put his hand over her ear to block out the noise._

_Now they were both wide awake in the late afternoon heat. Raidou groans, stretching. Kurenai props her head on her hand, watching him. She likes looking at him. He is just such a man; woodsy and broad. She wants to devour him._

_“Raidou,” she begins, “what if I was your girlfriend?” Raidou frowns, stretching his back straight, towards the glass of water he keeps by the bed. He likes to sleep against the wall, so one side of his bed is pushed against it, while his bedside table is where his headboard ought to be. The water is just out of his reach._

_“That would make me your boyfriend.” He replies, giving up on reaching the water, his body deflating. Kurenai flips over, straddling him. She leans over to reach his water, purposefully putting her breasts in his face._

_He sighs, and kisses the spot between her breasts, right on the bone. She giggles, giving up on the water too._

_“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” he asks. He has thought about asking her. It doesn’t matter to him, since they are pretty much exclusive, but it might to her. Kurenai wants to be his girlfriend, but she is too much of a coward to say anything. He isn’t offering her his own preference. He is asking what hers is, and she refuses to put herself out there without knowing what he will say._

_“Depends,” she says, “will anything change?” Raidou rumbles beneath her, and she sits back to look at his face._

_“Nope.” He smiles at her. “Nothing would change.” Kurenai sighs, but instead of saying anything, she smiles._

_“Good.” She replies, “I don’t want anything to change.”_

_Raidou grabs her hips and flips them over, and they have sex in the heat. It’s sticky and gross, but it makes them both feel alive._

**

Kurenai and Asuma sit across from Kakashi, who eyes both of them with disinterest. He doesn’t really want to be here, but he can tell that Asuma and Kurenai have decided to be Really and Truly Concerned for him. Sasuke is long gone, and Naruto and Sakura are in the beginning stages of going onto their own independent training. He is going to be lonely, but he knows that this for the best. Naruto and Sakura need to become stronger, and he doesn’t want to think about where Sasuke ended up.

So, here he is, sitting over coffee with Asuma and Kurenai, getting ready to convince them that he isn’t really that sad. Kakashi’s mouth twitches under his mask. _Have you two ever had an honest conversation about your relationship?_ Kakashi suspects that if they did, Asuma must have chosen to accept whatever Kurenai said. _Choices_ , he thinks, _so many to make_. His genin had all made theirs, and it is up to Kakashi to respect them. He has three years to figure out how to get Sasuke back and protect Naruto.

In other words, Kakashi has _plans_. He has a _vision_ , one that involves the reunification of Team Seven. What is three years compared to all the time they will spend together after? Kakashi sits quietly, waiting for the lecture to start.

“Kakashi,” Asuma says, “I’m worried about you.” Kakashi blinks in response.

“We’re worried about you.” Kurenai adds. He crosses his arms and tilts his head.

“Why?” he asks.

“We don’t want you to be lonely.” Kurenai says, reaching for his arm. Kakashi looks down at her hand, wanting to jerk away but know that it isn’t the polite thing to do.

“I’m not lonely,” he says. Asuma and Kurenai blink. “My genin have moved on to different training. It’s fine.” It actually isn’t, but Kakashi isn’t going to admit that.

“How can you say that?” Kurenai asks, “they are your genin!” She would be upset if one of them ran away, let alone if all three moved on at once.

“They are growing up, making choices. It’s not my place to tell them what to do.” He sighs, “it would make me a bad teacher if I did otherwise.”

“So, Sasuke just made a choice?” she says, crossing her arms. Asuma lights a cigarette.

“Yes, he made a choice.” Kakashi says.

“So, our bet is off?” she asks. Asuma exhales with a sigh.

“What bet?” he asks.

“Kakashi and I have a bet that if Hinata and Sasuke have a kid before they turn thirty-five, I have to buy him dinner.” Kurenai says, “she likes Naruto so much that it will never happen, but it’s a fun bet.”

“Sasuke notices girls?” Asuma asks. Kakashi nods.

“He noticed Hinata, and last I checked, she counts as a girl.” He drawls. Asuma smirks at that one.

“A lot can change in twenty-three years,” Kakashi drawls, “I mean, looked what happened in one.” Kurenai squirms in her seat at his pointed look, while Asuma ashes his cigarette with a tap of his right forefinger.

“You know, I have faith in Sasuke too,” Asuma says, “that, and Naruto is fucking clueless.”

“You two are going to regret betting against me.” Kurenai says. “I am a real glutton.”

“No, you’re really not.” Asuma says, “you feed yourself from a can, but you don’t eat a lot.” Kurenai crosses her arms and frowns, while Kakashi laughs. Another reason to get Sasuke back: Kakashi is determined to win this bet.

**

They’re getting over it. Raidou watches Yuugao walk around the grocery store, picking up apples and putting them into one of her reusable produce bags. She doesn’t just think the world can be different; it can be better. So, she does her part, even though most carbon emissions come from, like, ten corporations and almost none of the garbage produced will breakdown. Things are meaningless, ultimately. No one has any real agency in this world. Or, at least shinobi don’t; no one wants a mercenary with real values and opinions about the world. They aren’t paid to think. They are paid to, more often than not, kill.

But he finds it hard to think about this when he sees Yuugao walking around the grocery store, wearing a short dress with her hair in a ponytail, smiling at babies and old people. Raidou is supposed to be helping her, but not for the first time, he finds himself watching her. He feels very lucky, when he is with her. He isn’t a shallow guy, but he is aware of the fact that, not only is Yuugao as pretty as Kurenai, but they are both way prettier than him. Yuugao looks at him and smiles.

“What?” she asks. Raidou shrugs and walks up to her.

“Nothing.” He puts his arms around her waist, standing by her side. Yuugao looks up at him, rolling her eyes.

“You are never thinking of nothing.” She says. “You are the most thoughtful person I know.” Raidou snorts.

“I doubt that,” he replies, “you only say that because I frown all the time. It makes me look more thoughtful than I am.” He holds her closer, and she turns away, leaning against him.

“You’re cute, for someone who frowns all the time.” She says. They walk side by side, as she leads Raidou over to the meat aisle. “Do you know what you want for dinner?”

“I’m good with whatever,” he says. Yuugao presses herself to him, and it makes Raidou smile. _Yuugao, my girlfriend_. They have more or less agreed to let him figure out his feelings. But on days like today, where he isn’t wearing his flak jacket and Yuugao is dressed like a civilian, he finds it very easy to think this thought.

He isn’t ready to act on it, but Raidou decides to nurture the feeling, like it is his little secret. As Yuugao tries to decide between pork and beef, he presses his hand to her stomach.

“Raidou?” she looks up at him. He blinks.

“Sorry,” he says, “it’s nothing.” Yuugao gives him a _yeah, sure_ kind of look but she doesn’t question him further.

She chooses pork, which was Raidou’s preference, anyway.

**

Kurenai lies on the bed, watching Asuma as he ties a knot in the condom. They still use condoms, even though it’s been months. Asuma is used to them, and Kurenai doesn’t thirst for him the same way she did for Raidou. She taps her hands on her tummy as she watches him stand up and pinch the condom between his thumb and forefinger. He holds it away from him, like it’s gross. It makes her smile.

“Why do you hold it like that?” she asks. Asuma stops and looks at her.

“Like this?” he holds the condom up, and she nods.

“Yes. You’re holding it like it is gross.” She smiles. “It was on you and inside me. Why are you holding it away from you?” Asuma blinks at her. One of the things he finds to be continually surprising about her is how gross she is. She is the kind of girl who is fascinated by scabs, ingrown hairs and blackheads. Apparently, Raidou would just sit there and let her tackle him with tweezers whenever she felt like it. It’s just another way that Asuma doesn’t quite measure up.

Not that he wants to, if that’s what it takes. He could do without the dark and twisted soul bond. He likes his relationships to be built on trust and healthy boundaries, instead of gross intimacies.

“You want me to hold it differently?” he snorts. “It’s just a bit of latex, Kurenai.”

“Don’t say that about it!” She pouts. “It could have a name!” Asuma grins.

“The condom we used has a name?” he asks. “Do share.” Kurenai smiles.

“Shin.”

“Shin the Condom?” Asuma asks. Kurenai nods.

“You should treat Shin with more respect. He took one for the team.” She says brightly, sitting up on her elbows.

“You’re twisted.” Asuma says. Kurenai shrugs.

“I don’t know why you’re complaining. You obviously like it.” She crosses her legs and tilts her head.

“You’re giving Shin a headache.” Kurenai smiles at Asuma, who, not for the first time, finds himself cringing at the ways he submits to her madness. “I’m gonna go put him out of his misery.”

Kurenai watches him as he leaves the bedroom, smiling. On days like this, she doesn’t miss Raidou, not one bit.

**

Genma is in the middle of telling them the same story about his cranky, dead father. Raidou, Kakashi and Aoba have all heard it a million times before, but pretty much all their parents are dead, so they indulge all of Genma’s dead dad stories. His father was also pretty funny. You see, he was a great shinobi, but he couldn’t even hit a squirrel with a slingshot to keep them out of the bird feeders. Genma’s mom finally took the slingshot away when he nearly hit Genma in the face one too many times.

Raidou smiles, not really paying attention, looking around the bar. Just because he sleeps with Yuugao doesn’t mean he has stopped seeing other women. _There are too many pretty girls in Konoha_ , he had said when asked if he and Yuugao were serious. Aoba had laughed, and Genma had rolled his eyes and asked _does she know that?_ Kakashi added that she visited Raidou in the hospital, which is a pretty good sign that she thinks she is the only one. Then Genma changed the subject to his dead dad and his shitty skills with a slingshot. So Raidou bobs his head, looking around.

He spots Yuugao at the bar. He can tell it’s her by the lilac hair and the particular flare of her hips. She is in a short black dress. It is a short sheath, a minidress, really, and the only parts of her body it reveals are her legs and her arms. Her back is to him, and she is by herself. _She has nice legs_. He knew this, but he is taking a second to appreciate them now.

Raidou wants to move his tongue from the back of her ankle, along the line of her calf, up to the back of her thigh. He chews the lining of his cheek, thinking about eating her out. It’s still too soon for him to ask. But you know how rules work: as soon as you are told you can’t do something, the more you want to do it.

She shouldn’t have to stand at a bar alone. So, he throws down enough bills to cover his drinks and walks over to her. He ignores Genma’s indignant squawk, and he manages to surprise Yuugao. He comes up behind her, wrapping an arm around her stomach. She jumps, and he kisses her shoulder.

“You’re being affectionate,” she mutters. Raidou shrugs.

“I don’t feel like being emotionally absent today,” he says, “I’ll probably change my mind tomorrow.”

“Get it while I can?” she replies. Raidou snorts.

“You can always get _it_ ,” he presses his chest in her back, and she looks away, blushing. Hayate had been her sweetheart. He never came up behind her at a bar. Not like Raidou.

“I’m too pretty to go home so early.” She recovers her cool and turns her head to look at his face. Raidou makes a face.

“You’re too pretty to be at a bar alone.” He steps back, releasing her. He smiles when he sees her frown. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“No,” she smirks. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” Raidou looks back over his shoulder. His friends are all ignoring him, the way he wants them to. It’s a routine, Raidou disappearing when he sees a girl.

But Yuugao isn’t just a girl at a bar. He has seen her a few times. Even gone to dinner with her. They got lunch the other day, and he didn’t even see her naked once. It’s becoming something more. He isn’t exactly afraid of commitment. Raidou just can’t see himself as someone anyone would want to commit to.

But he won’t deny that the only times he doesn’t think of Kurenai are when he is out on a hit or when he is with Yuugao. Murder and sex. Kurenai would cock her hip and smirk if he told her that those are the only times she isn’t haunting him.

Yuugao takes his hand and pulls him out of the bar. They hold hands in the night. She presses herself to him, ostensibly because it is cold. But she is Anbu; she is trained to endure much worse. Raidou likes it, so he puts his arm around her waist and smiles at her when she turns to look at him. He makes her feel like a woman, something that she thought she would never feel again when Hayate died.

They are quiet as they walk together. She looks at him from the side. He refers to himself as ugly, but he is easily one of the most handsome men she has ever met. He has a strong brow and chin, with a nice, straight nose. He frowns a lot, but that’s just the way his face works.

In minutes, they are back at his place at the barracks. He holds all the doors open for her, because he is a gentleman, and while they aren’t speaking, whenever she looks back, he gives her a smile that crinkles his eyes. Hayate may be dead, but that doesn’t mean that Yuugao has to go without.

Raidou was always such a man for Kurenai; telling her to lock her doors, dealing with various, uncooperative appliances, hauling her home from the bar. Yuugao is ten years younger than him, but he feels like a kid sometimes. Their relationship is more playful, free of Raidou and Kurenai’s obligation to each other as family. He will come up and surprise her in public and tease her more frequently than he did with Kurenai. In a lot of ways, Yuugao feels like fresh air.

When they get inside of his place, Yuugao feels her tummy flutter. After taking off her sandals, she walks up to the window, her arms across her chest and her head tilted. Raidou, who is almost always in uniform, places his vest on a hook by the door and kicks off his own shoes. For a second, he watches her watch the moon. He has a thing for a lunar kind of beauty, the kind that hides in plain sight until you get a girl alone and can take a proper look at her.

Kurenai’s beauty is the same. None of the guys know how pretty she actually is. That’s why he was able to treat her normally when everyone else was falling over themselves for her. She devastated him when they were alone. Being out in broad daylight, with other people, was nothing. Yuugao is the same. When you realize how pretty she actually is, nothing else will do.

He tried explaining his type to Genma once, but he didn’t get it. Raidou dropped it and decided against explaining himself. Most of the women he picks up are obviously pretty, but none of them are devastating, not like Yuugao and Kurenai. He licks his lips as Yuugao looks back. She arches an eyebrow, and in one, smooth motion, she unzips the back of her dress and shimmies out of it.

“You don’t have to be naked,” he says, his mouth dry.

“You don’t have to be dressed,” she replies. He smiles and takes off his shirt. She stands back to look at him.

He never wears anything but the uniform, so you can never really appreciate him. But he is tall and broad, and he is someone who carries scars well. He has a deep respect for them. While most men would look at her stomach and be concerned, Raidou sees a body that healed itself. When he places his mouth to it, he gives it a little extra attention. _It’s why you’re here_ , he rumbled, _without it, you would be dead_. Raidou is the only man who can talk about death and make it feel like foreplay.

As she watches him undress, she realizes he only really has two modes. Assassin Raidou or plain Raidou. There is no in-between or third mode. He is either on or off duty. Yuugao pities him for it. He would be happier if things weren’t so either/or. When he is finally stripped of all his clothes, with the exception of his silver rings, she looks at the muscles of his arms, chest and legs, and she thinks about how hard he worked for each one. That he has been doing this since he was a little boy, and in many ways, he never stopped being that boy. Hayate was different; he was capable of emotional growth, complexity. She gets the distinct sense that Raidou has shied away from it for so long, that he has stunted his own growth.

 _Kurenai let him do that_ , she thinks, _she allowed his self-mutilation_. It makes Yuugao angry. As he crosses the room towards her, Raidou notices the expression on her face, and pauses.

“You okay?” he asks. Yuugao softens her expression, but the anger doesn’t dissipate.

“I will be. _You aren’t_. Raidou gives her a suspicious look, but he doesn’t say anything as he closes the space between them. His kisses are always soft, but this one is especially so. Yuugao smiles into it, because it reminds her why she is here, with him, and not someone else closer to her age. Raidou knows how women liked to be touched; what makes a woman feel like a woman. He unclips her bra and pulls down her underwear with care, and it makes Yuugao feel like his hands are all over her, such is his way of undressing a woman.

He pauses in front of her stomach, on his knees. Raidou looks up at Yuugao’s face and presses his mouth to the dip where her thigh and her hip meet. She inhales and runs her hand through his hair.

She thought about him eating her out this morning. Yuugao thinks it would be nice. She steps away from him, and he rises up. She motions for him to lie down, and he does as she asks. His eyes are dark as he watches her climb onto bed, and then over him. She takes him in her hand, and he sighs. Yuugao gives him a small, impish smile before sliding him home. He watches her hips tilt forward as she arches her back. He places his hand on either side, and he gives a small bump, just to get her moving. She smiles down at him, and her hair falls around her face as she rolls her hips forward.

The first few times they tumbled together; it was fun because there were no expectations. Just two lonely people, down on their luck, thrust together by fate and the fact that they live in a small town. But each time he is inside her, it becomes something more, and it doesn’t scare him. He even likes it a little.

She bites back a moan, and he rises up to meet her, like he always does. She likes looking into his eyes when they are together. She holds his face, and he lets her. Her thumbs rub arches upon his cheek bones, and she cries out when he goes a little harder, like he is trying to weld them together.

 _Yuugao is beautiful_. It’s the only thing he can think when she stares into him like that. He has been told that he has piercing eyes, but hers are something else. They are big and warm and make him feel hot inside. He breaks his gaze to kiss her throat and she sighs. He doesn’t love her, but the way he feels is close. In moments like this, he considers forsaking the other women, and pledging himself to Yuugao.

Her breaths. Her moans. The big scar on her stomach. The place between her legs where they become one. It is all sacred to Raidou. Not a bit of her is profane. She is all holy, and in her, he is clean, reborn.

He kisses her breastbone as she takes over, and when she blindsides them both, he wraps his arms around her and looks up into her eyes. His life depends on seeing what his body does to her own. They sit there, breathing on each other until they can look away. Yuugao notes that it gets harder to pull away each time. She wants him so bad. It isn’t even funny.

She wiggles free and gets up to look around. He lies back, anticipating her questions about his life. She does this, every time, and he appreciates that she avoids the pictures of his family and Kurenai. He doesn’t think she will tonight, because she has talked about everything else, but he thinks he is ready for it. After his weird lunch with Kurenai, he accepts that he needs to look forward if he wants to keep his sanity intact.

In all honesty, Raidou doesn’t want to look back. He just wants to keep moving forward. He and Kurenai are just friends. Kakashi had shrugged when he declared this, like _yah yah, tell us something new_. Genma was blunt: _if you two are so in love and securely attached to other people, why are you two still weird around each other?_ Raidou had frowned and said he isn’t in love with Yuugao and his attachment is superficial at best. Genma called him _a_ _fucking liar_ and Kakashi had nodded. Neither Aoba or Guy disagreed, so Raidou had gone and fucked someone else to clear his head.

But it only made things worse. Raidou frowns turning onto his side to watch Yuugao look at his shelf. He wonders what she sees. Hopefully, not a shrine to Kurenai. But she had been his best friend since forever. He can’t help that she is in almost every picture worth putting up.

Though he presumably has albums to choose from, Raidou only has a few pictures on display. Yuugao tilts her head, looking at them. He has some with his parents and brother, but most of them included Kurenai. There is their genin picture, with Kurenai and Asuma smiling and Raidou frowning. A picture of Kurenai in a leopard skirt, standing up on the roof of his parent’s house, hands on her hips like a superhero. Genma crouches beside her, grinning. The sun had been extra bright, so they both squint. A picture their class had all taken together, at the behest of Anko. One of just Kurenai, smiling right at him with her canines out.

But the one she keeps looking at is one of Kurenai and Raidou’s brother. He stands beside the shitty car Raidou drives, and on the roof is a young Kurenai. She must have been sixteen when this picture was taken, and his brother looks to be in his mid-twenties. They are both smiling, and she can tell that this was a picture taken just for Raidou. His two favourite people, beaming at him.

Yuugao picks up the frame and rubs her thumb over his brother’s face. He was just as handsome as Raidou, with longer hair and bigger eyes. Kurenai was as pretty as ever, although Yuugao has never seen Kurenai smile quite like that. She is someone who prefers a small smile over a grin. But in this picture, you can see all her teeth. Yuugao frowns and looks back at his brother. She would like to know more than he simply existed.

“Raidou,” she says, “what was your brother’s name?” Yuugao turns around, and watches Raidou’s face twitch and his body stiffen. She blinks.

“Kurenai and I only refer to him as my brother.” Raidou says, defensive. Yuugao puts the picture back on the shelf.

“Why?”

“Because you die a second time the last time someone says your name,” he replies, “so I call him brother, because no one will stop using that word.” He looks away and rubs his forehead. “Kurenai came up with it. He died after our parents.” Raidou really and truly does not want to get into this with Yuugao.

“You’re so cagey when I ask you about your life before me,” she says. She pads over to the bed and sits down on him. Raidou grunts.

“I’ve known you for years.” He replies. Yuugao narrows her eyes.

“I mean since we’ve started sleeping together.” She says.

“There isn’t much to it. My parents and brother are dead. I still own their empty house and my brother’s shitty car. I have a hideous scar on my face.” He shrugs, “I’m simple.”

“You never talk about Kurenai,” she says softly. “Do you still love her?”

“Do you still love Hayate?” he snaps. Yuugao blinks. The worst blows are quiet.

She starts looking for her clothes. Raidou groans and rubs his face. He is a fucking idiot on a good day, but that was cruel. He stands up and walks over to Yuugao, who is pulling her underwear back over her hips.

“Yuugao,” he says softly. She turns around, tears in her eyes. Raidou exhales. “I’m sorry. That was mean and out of line. You asked a reasonable question.” He rubs the back of his head. “I still feel strongly about Kurenai, and I don’t like to talk about it.” He pauses. “I’m sorry.” Yuugao sighs.

“I’m still in love with Hayate.” She says, “I think I always will be.” She crosses her arms, holding herself. “But I see a future with you. I know it’s only been a few months, but I would like to be exclusive.” Raidou bites his lip.

“I need to think about it.” Yuugao narrows her eyes.

“What is there to think about?” she asks. He sighs.

“I haven’t been someone’s boyfriend since I was a teenager, and I just got out of something really intense. I just need time to think about it. There isn’t anyone else who I would consider being exclusive with. I just need time.” Raidou says. A part of him really does want to stop being with other women and return to the simplicity of one partner. But things can’t be the way they were with Kurenai.

Yuugao nods, and Raidou steps up and kisses her shoulder. “You want to know something funny?” he asks. She nods.

“Sure.”

“I wanted to lick the back of your leg at the bar.” He says. Yuugao giggles.

“Which one?” she asks. Raidou smiles.

“I am partial to the left.” He replies, his expression wolfish. It changes the tone of their conversation, and she feels her stomach drop down.

“Just the back of my left leg?” she asks. Raidou nods.

“From your heel to the top of your thigh.” He rumbles. Yuugao presses her thighs together.

“I’ll let you do it.” She says, and Raidou laughs.

“Let me?”

“On one condition.” Yuugao wraps her arms around his neck, looking up at his face. He looks amused.

“What would that one condition be?” he asks. She grins.

“I want you to eat me out.” She says in a quiet voice. Raidou had been smiling, but his face had shifts into something serious.

“Actually?” his mouth is dry. “Are you sure?” Yuugao nods.

“I know it will probably take you some more time before you are comfortable getting head, and that’s okay. I just want you to know that I am ready for you, _now_.” She smiles up at him, and he snorts.

“You just happen to _conveniently_ get an orgasm out of it?” he asks. Yuugao smirks.

“What if I don’t come?”

“Then I will unlick your left leg,” he replies. He removes her arms from around his neck, and he walks around so that he is behind her. He gets down on his knees, and Yuugao giggles when she feels his tongue on the back of her heel.

It’s still funny until he reaches the middle of her calf. Her legs start to tingle, and the feeling moves up her spine. When he gets to the back of her thigh, she bites her lip. Up on his knees, he hooks his hands under the waistband of her underwear, and he pulls them back down. Yuugao turns to face him, and she runs her hands through his hair.

“A deal is a deal,” she says softly.

“You don’t have to do this to prove that you’re ready,” he murmurs.

“I am ready,” she says quietly. “For you.” He smiles as she spreads her feet so that they are shoulder-width apart.

He looks up at her and nods, before using his hands to warm her up. When she moans softly, he pulls away, and replaces his hands with his mouth. He moves gently, and he lets her dig her nails into his scalp as he gets closer and closer to the truth of her. Yuugao tries to bite back her moans, but he hits a place she never knew existed and suddenly, she can’t stop making noise. Raidou holds her hips, and he moves stronger, faster and Yuugao whimpers before he finally rips her orgasm from her.

She sinks down to the ground in front of him, and he smirks when she tells him that he doesn’t need to unlick her left leg. Not to be outdone, she turns onto all fours and turns to call him home, and Raidou, as always, obeys.

.

**

Asuma doesn’t like scrambled eggs. It’s not what Kurenai expected of him. She is still surprised that he has preferences, even though they have been together for months. There are times where she gets the distinct sense that they are looking for an image of the other than the actual person. He was always serious, until he came back home after finding himself. She knew he had a crush on her since forever, but she always ignored it. She was too busy looking at Raidou, until she started thinking about the future and decided that she wanted something more for herself than being the person Raidou crawls home to after a hit.

She has never doubted Asuma’s feelings for her. They go on dates, he buys her presents, she can talk about the future without him getting cagey or upset. There are all superficial until you are a few years away from thirty and you realize that you need something certain. A future, a real one. Raidou doesn’t believe that he deserves a future, and it is impossible to prop up another person’s self-worth all by yourself. Given the choice again, it is still easy: Asuma.

Anyways, she woke up craving waffles this morning, which got them into a discussion about breakfast foods and Asuma revealing that when he looks at scrambled eggs, he can only think of chicken abortions. Something about the look and texture just rankles him. He had told her this with his chin on her stomach, as she combed her fingers through his hair.

They decided to go get breakfast. It is early enough that they won’t run into their students, and besides, they are both starving, and neither are in the mood to cook. Asuma enters the diner first, holding the door for Kurenai. She smiles at him, and purposefully brushes his hand as she put her own to the door. Asuma rolls his eyes and walks in.

Asuma now understands how Raidou could be so absolutely immune to Kurenai’s public gestures of affection. They feel coy, like she is trying to show off a secret without saying what it is. If one of their students walked up to them right now, she would blush and act like they aren’t together. He loves her, but sometimes Asuma wonders if it is because of her or the fact that she ignored him for so long. He doesn’t like to think about it, but sometimes he wonders if it really came down to it, the absolute wire, if she really would choose him or Raidou.

They have just gotten into the diner, and they hear Anko’s loud voice. They turn to see her at a table with Genma, Kakashi and Aoba. Kurenai and Asuma look at each other, but before Kurenai could suggest that they try another place, they are spotted and waved over. Anko is someone who likes hanging out with a bunch of different people, and Genma and Aoba are the same. Kakashi just goes with it. Kurenai sits beside Kakashi, while Asuma sits across from her, beside Genma.

Anko is holding up a book on astrology, and Aoba has a notepad in front of him. “What’re your star signs?” Anko asks Kurenai and Asuma. They exchange a look.

“You know those aren’t real,” Asuma says. Anko narrows her eyes.

“Aren’t you two curious to know if your relationship is written in the stars?” Anko has this way of speaking that makes Asuma feel like a complete idiot. She has perfected the art of condescension. Asuma opens his mouth to speak, but Kurenai cuts him off.

“He is a Libra. I am a Gemini.” She says, giving him a warning look. Asuma sits back, and Kakashi hands him his untouched, lukewarm coffee. Anko snorts.

“Air signs,” Anko sighs, “you both have a convenient relationship with things like rules and boundaries and ethics. It’s a match made in heaven.” She didn’t even bother to look through the book.

An awkward silence falls before Aoba speaks. “We are making a betting pool for Yuugao and Raidou.”

“They are getting serious,” Anko says, “he only looks at her when she is in the room.” Genma snorts.

“Raidou is still sleeping with other women,” he drawls, “he must have plowed through most of the available women in Konoha by now.” Anko narrows her eyes.

“Don’t be sex negative, Genma.” She retorts. If it wasn’t common knowledge now, their fling had crashed and burned. Aoba taps the table with his fingers.

“Anyways, Anko brought the book so we could get a little more information about Raidou and Yuugao without asking them.” Aoba has this was of explaining things that makes almost anything sound sensible. Anko clears her throat.

“So, Yuugao is a Scorpio and Raidou is a Virgo. He has tendency to martyr himself and he is a perfectionist, but she has emotional depth and stability to convince him to accept a less miserable existence,” Anko closes the book and talks with her hands. “I think that when she asks for commitment, he will say yes.” Aoba rolls his eyes.

“We all know that something is happening,” he adds, “we are just betting on the final outcome.”

Asuma nods, while Kurenai clenches her jaw. Genma notices and gives her a pointed look. She avoids his gaze.

“Final outcome?” Asuma asks. He understood it the first time, he simply thinks that this is a little cruel.

“Oh, you know,” Anko says, “marriage, babies, mortgage or divorce, sabotage, flames.” Asuma snorts and sips his coffee, while Kurenai sucks her lower lip and avoids eye contact with Genma.

Genma has always thought that Kurenai was a rotten kind of pretty, that if you peeled back a few layers you would find something decaying underneath. Like overripe strawberries that taste sickly sweet from rot. It’s why she has never been able to get under his skin. She just tastes off to him. This is why he can do things like bait her; he isn’t invested in her wanting to fuck him.

“So, what’s your bet Kurenai?” Genma asks. Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“What have others said?” she asks. Aoba looks at his list.

“I have put in twenty for amicable divorce, Anko has put in thirty for marriage and babies, Genma put down ten for flames, and we were just trying to figure out what Kakashi was going to bet.” Aoba looks down the table. “So, what do you three think?”

“I want to believe in Raidou’s personal growth, so I put twenty on marriage and babies.” Asuma says. “I’m going to go outside for a smoke.” The waitress hasn’t come by to take their order, so he decides to curb his appetite instead of waiting. Kurenai watches him leave, before turning back to see everyone staring at her and Kakashi.

“You two know them the best,” Aoba says, “we all want to know what you really think.”

“You could have just asked instead of making a bet.” Kakashi drawls. Kurenai nods.

“He likes her a lot,” Genma says, “she asked him to be exclusive, and he didn’t freak out.” Anko crows with victory, insisting that astrology is right and that _Big Bad Raidou really can settle down,_ while Genma and Aoba tell her not to get ahead of herself.

The revelation is a punch in the stomach. Kurenai wilts and looks down at the table. Is she a bad person if the prospect of Raidou’s happiness makes her feel sick? _The happiness of others truly is a poison_. Kakashi bumps his leg against hers, and he gives her a reassuring look.

“What do you think, Kurenai?” he asks. Everyone stares at her, Genma chewing a senbon. She turns to see Asuma chatting outside, distracted. She says the first thing that pops into her brain.

“Long-term commitment that goes nowhere. Put me down for fifty.” Aoba snickers while Genma side-eyes her. Anko laughs.

“I second Kurenai. Put me down for fifty too.” Kakashi says. Aoba writes this down as Anko scolds them for not believing in Raidou’s quest towards enlightenment. Kakashi rolls his eyes and says _I’ll believe it when I see it_ just as Asuma steps back inside the diner.

Kurenai orders some waffles, eats a third of one, and takes the rest home with her. Asuma goes out on a mission, and Kurenai changes into a pair of ratty underwear and a big t-shirt. There are bloodstains from past periods, and she is wearing Raidou’s shirt. She has washed it to a paper-thin texture. It had been a bright red, but it is now faded, anemic. She lies on the floor, eating cold, soggy waffles, listening to Fiona Apple.

**

_Her favourite thing to do is to hang her feet out of the passenger window while Raidou drives eighty kilometres an hour on a particular side road that leads down into the farmland around Konoha. Tonight, Raidou had knocked on her bedroom window and asked her to come for a drive with him. She smiled and didn’t bother putting anything on with her nightgown on before climbing out the window._

_This is how these nighttime drives had started. Their parents had died a few years back, and now Raidou’s brother is gone too. So, they act like teenagers to make up for it. Raidou comes to her window, even though her parents are gone and wouldn’t care if they were here._

_This night, her feet are out the window, and Raidou is only going fifty. They are both quiet, and the Joy Division tape that his brother always listened to is the only thing that plays in the car. Eventually, Raidou gets to a look out and pulls the car over. Kurenai prefers to be in perpetual motion, but Raidou needs a break too. They sit in silence, even after he parks the car._

_“Do you remember when you told Asuma to get an inner life?” Kurenai pulls her legs in and rolls the window up. She hears Raidou suck in his breath._

_“He made fun of your obsession over wolves, didn’t he?” Raidou turns to look at her. The corners of his mouth are upturned, and he looks at her softly._

_“I couldn’t stop laughing.”_

_“Kakashi practically howled.” Raidou snorts, taping his hand against the wheel._

_“Oh, that’s right!” she smiles, uncrossing her arms, “his real laugh is so funny.”_

_“It suits him.” Raidou unbuckles his seat belt, and he puts his seatback, so he is practically lying down. Kurenai copies him. The ceiling of the car is grey, but it is more soothing than the actual night sky._

_They never really talk on their drives. They see each other all the time, so they mostly sit in silence. Tonight, is no different. Raidou rolls onto his side, and Kurenai can feel his smile before she turns to see it. She looks right into his eyes, and on the third exhale she realizes they are going to kiss._

_Kurenai props herself up on her elbows. His eyes wordlessly follow her, and she sees the way his gaze traces the long line of her chin to her jaw, down her neck and along her sternum. Raidou knows she is a genjutsu master, and they have sparred together enough the he knows how to shield his mind. She smiles because it is cute that he is letting her seduce him. If it were any man but Raidou, she would be offended at his passivity. But she has wanted him for so long, and these past few weeks haven’t seemed real._

_She leans closer, over the console. She passes a hand through his hair._

_“Is this real?” the question moves like a plume of smoke, wrapping around Raidou’s ear. He chuckles, and rolls onto his back._

_“Unlike you, Mistress of Illusions, I only have one reality to choose from.” He says this to the ceiling, but when he turns his head back to her, he winks. Not to be outdone, in a smooth movement she flips across the console to straddle Raidou. He rubs her thighs and bites his lower lip. He looks unsure._

_“Are you sure?” putting a palm to his right cheek, she lifts his face up to look at her. She will always be sure, when it comes to him._

_If another face could look like all the possibilities of the night sky, it wouldn’t come close to the beauty of Raidou. The river that runs across his nose, the faded scar on his jaw. Kurenai knows he is handsome but suddenly he is indescribably beautiful to her. It is a realization that sort of hits her over the head, and she crushes her body closer to him. She runs the pad of her pointer finger along the ridges of his scar, and he sighs contentedly. She leans down and kisses his forehead. She feels him exhale, and that is when she properly kisses him._

_In the front seat of the car, she is woman and he is man. He is hopelessly duty-bound._

_There are moments that will stick with her, that will come back to her as intrusive thoughts in the middle of missions or training or sex with the one other person she will be with after Raidou._

_The way he smiles into her collarbone when he realizes she isn’t wearing underwear. The hard press of the steering wheel against her spine, and how the way Raidou moved made the discomfort worth it. The impossible height of her feelings; she had been wrong to think that she had ever had pleasurable sex before Raidou._

_There is an impossibly floaty feeling that builds and builds, like it is pushing everything up into her chest but at the same time, Raidou pulls it all back down and between them. Like everything they are doing to each other stays between them, and they feel everything ad infinitum._

_She comes so hard that she hides her face in his shoulder, because she knows how ugly she will look. When she told him this when they were driving back to Konoha, he had laughed so hard that he had to pull the car over. As he held his stomach, and she glared at him, he turned to her, breathless._

_“You? Ugly?” Raidou starts laughing for another five minutes, and he is only able to collect himself when Kurenai tells him that he will never see her naked again if he doesn’t start driving right now._

**

Asuma watches Kurenai stretch up, her hands outstretched, palms to the ceiling. She has just come back from a run, and he can tell that she is in a good mood. She is humming to herself, before exhaling and stretching her hands all the way to the tips of her toes. He likes watching her bend herself into all sorts of different shapes, but for once, he has a serious question for her.

“Kurenai?” he asks. She looks over at him, tilting her head.

“Yeah?” she replies, setting her hands on her hips.

“Do you think life has a meaning?” Asuma frowns at his own question. Kurenai smirks.

“I am one hundred percent sure that it doesn’t have a pre-determined meaning,” she says, “only simpletons look for easy answers like that.” He wrinkles his nose. It actually bothers him a whole lot, the possibility that there is no higher power. He did serve at a temple, after all.

“You sound like Raidou.” He says. Kurenai shrugs.

“He’s right about this one.” Sometimes, she thinks about the fact that Asuma’s father regularly sent Raidou on soul destroying missions. _How much money did your father make off of his soul?_ Tsunade is just as bad. They all are.

“You really believe that?” Asuma asks. His father was the kind of man who was always looking for a better way, a brighter tomorrow. He believed that justice and peace were still possible in this world. “My dad believed in the Will of Fire.”

“The Will of Fire is a fascist story, used to justify current material conditions on the basis of _think of the children_ logic; see, now that’s a Raidou impression.” Kurenai grins. “He loves talking about being a cog in an authoritarian regime.” Asuma rolls his eyes.

“Well, what do you believe in? Why do you get up in the morning and go to work, if it’s so bad?” Asuma lights a cigarette and waits.

Kurenai bites her lip. It’s Raidou’s face she thinks of first. _I want to protect him_. Their families are gone. There is no one else for her to love like that. Maybe Asuma, her genin, one day. But they will never be Raidou.

“I have someone I need to protect,” she says.

“Someone?” Asuma asks.

“Yes. Someone dear and special and irreplaceable.” Kurenai says. Asuma rolls his eyes.

“No one is replaceable.” He says, “people aren’t things.”

“I didn’t say that,” Kurenai says, “there is just one person who I need to stick around for.”

Raidou’s name hangs unsaid.

**

Yuugao lies on her stomach, looking at Raidou as he wades in the shallows. They decided to go to the beach. They drove out in his brother’s car, which he affectionately refers to as the shit wagon. It’s makes a weird noise and the engine light is always on, but Raidou loves that car. He even pats the dashboard affectionately before starting it up and after turning it off. It’s cute. Not as sweet as watching him play in the water, but it’s up there.

He is still thinking things over, but in moments like this, when she watches him act carefree and happy, Yuugao thinks that this is what the rest of their lives could look like. She pushes herself up with her arms and decides to stand up. Raidou looks over at her, grinning when he sees her walk towards him.

“You’re so happy,” she says. Raidou smiles as he swishes his hands in the water.

“I like the beach,” he says, “I know I don’t look like it, but I really like the sun.”

“And being almost naked?” Yuugao asks. Raidou smirks.

“Seeing people almost naked is a bonus.” With a flick of his wrist, he splashes Yuugao with water. She shrieks and he lunges forward, lifting her up, up over his shoulders. She thumps his back with her fists. She kicks out, shrieking.

“You know sound carries over water, right?” he asks.

“That’s why I’m screaming!” Yuugao replies. Raidou laughs out loud before carrying her back to shore.

He sets her down on the beach, and she pulls him down with her. He catches himself before he lands on her, and he rolls onto his back.

“Thanks for coming up here with me,” he says. “I wish I spent more time at the beach.” He knows there will be another fucked up hit, or war, or mission, but right now, he is going to pretend they are normal people.

“I like spending time with you,” she says, “I want to do more things like this, with you.” She turns her head to look at him.

“Which do you prefer, the beach or me?” he asks. Yuugao smirks.

“The beach. Hands down.” She says. Raidou turns up and smiles at her.

“It’s the same for me,” he smiles. “I would choose the beach over you any day.” Yuugao laughs. The sound makes something in Raidou glow.

“Who would make a better girlfriend: me or the beach?” she asks, smiling at the awkward expression on Raidou’s face. “Oh, is it too soon to joke about it?”

“Well, considering I’m still working through my shit, maybe.” He replies, “but if I had to choose, I can confidently say that I would gladly spend the rest of my days lying in the sun, listening to water.” Yuugao shoves him over, and he laughs.

“You’re such an asshole sometimes.” She says, trying not to laugh. Raidou smiles, like _yah_.

**

Raidou stirs his chopsticks in the broth, thinking about how he wants to pose this question. He looks up at Kurenai, who is happily chewing her noodles. He asked her out for dinner, and she happily tagged along. He knows he is about to ask an insensitive question, but his brother is dead and Genma isn’t good at this kind of thing.

“Kurenai,” he says, “I have a question.”

“Okay,” she says, mouth full. Raidou hesitates, making her curious. “Raidou?”

“I don’t think you are going to like it.” Raidou looks down at his noodles. Kurenai gives him a soft look, putting her hand out to touch his elbow.

“It’s okay,” she says quietly, “you can ask me anything.” She feels a buzzy feeling in her stomach, and the back of her legs are tingling. She doesn’t know what the question will be, but she can tell that it won’t be one she wants to answer.

“When you and Asuma started dating,” Raidou, nervous, hesitates, “how long did it take you to decide to be monogamous?”

Raidou doesn’t look at her. Rather, he swirls his ramen around, nervous. He doesn’t like to think about how she will answer this question.

“It was always sort of unsaid,” she says. She and Asuma got together on the basis that they were going to be serious. Raidou was gone for three months, and there was no one else. Looking back, she doesn’t know why she had been so eager to be with Asuma. It had never occurred to her to date around. She had three boyfriends when was she was a teenager, one of whom she had lost her virginity to. She’s only been with three men, and suddenly, it feels like a waste. She wonders if Raidou regrets sleeping with so many women.

“Oh,” he says. “Yuugao and I have been seeing each other for a while now, and she wants to be exclusive. I’ve just been trying to figure out if it’s the right time.” He pauses. “I haven’t been someone’s boyfriend in a while, and Yuugao deserves the best.” He looks up at Kurenai, and he can tell that she is upset. Her mouth is set in a line and her nose is wrinkled.

“It’s not hard,” she replies. She leaves the _I want to be your girlfriend_ unsaid. She had never directly asked, because she never wanted to risk pushing him away. The worst thing he could have said was “no”, but that would mean that she would have to give him up. At the time, that was untenable. Now, she isn’t so sure. Raidou squirms in front of her.

“I know,” he says, “but I just…you know me the best. You’d tell me if I was making a mistake, right?” Raidou bites his lip. “I should do this, right?”

Kurenai leans back in her chair, crossing her arms and legs. _No_ , she thinks, _you absolutely should not do thi_ s. She squares her shoulders, and Raidou can tell that she isn’t going to be helpful. All he wants is for her to love him. _Love me, choose me, Kurenai_. It occurs to him that she doesn’t want him, so much as she wants him as an option. It leaves something bitter in his mouth.

 _Did you ever love me?_ Raidou picks up an egg and pops it into his mouth, chewing. Kurenai looks at him, not saying anything.

“Why her?” she asks. Raidou blinks.

“Why Yuugao?” he asks. She nods. “Why is that even a question?” Kurenai tilts her head.

“I am curious to know what makes you elevate someone to girlfriend.” She replies in a slow, irritated voice.

“She asked.” Raidou says. “She used her words.” _Unlike you_.

“All a girl has to do is ask?” Kurenai scoffs. At no point did he ever make her feel like all she had to do was ask for something. All his passive aggressive remarks about love, his disinterest in labels and anniversaries, his reluctance to tell her what they were doing were all clear indications that he was not open to the question of exclusivity. The closest he was willing to get was asking her not to fuck anyone else. Now that she thinks about, she doesn’t know if he ever loved her.

“Well, yeah. I don’t go looking for relationships.” He sets his chopsticks down. “I just don’t see myself as a boyfriend.”

For a very long time, when Kurenai looked at him, she saw a boyfriend. Sipping her beer, she says nothing. Raidou watches her, waiting for her to speak.

“You were pretty much my boyfriend, Raidou.” She sets her beer down on the table. He narrows his eyes at her.

“Then why’d you get with Asuma?” he asks.

“Because you were always telling me that you weren’t going to give me what I wanted.” She replies. “You told me to go.”

“You didn’t have to listen,” rubbing his eyes, “you have very _selective_ hearing.” Raidou doesn’t even think about his response or its implications. Kurenai puffs her cheeks, and he readies himself for whatever venom she decides to spew in response.

“ _Selective_? You told me that we would be _fine_!” She leans forward to emphasize her points. “Now, here we are, and we are not fine!” Raidou looks around, eyeing the other customers.

“Don’t do this here,” he hisses, “I want to talk about something else.”

“We can’t talk about anything until we talk about our fucked up relationship, Raidou.” Kurenai glowers at Raidou, and he glares back. Neither of them says anything for a few minutes. They used to have these little face-offs when they were genin and she wanted to do something he deemed stupid.

Neither of them ever did this with Asuma. More often than not, he would be the one to point out that they had more pressing problems than their relationship.

Genma and Aoba enter the restaurant, looking around for a seat. When he sees Kurenai and Raidou sitting at a table, Aoba walks over without a second thought. Genma hangs back, taking a second to look at the way Kurenai and Raidou are posturing themselves. _Fuckery abounds_ , he thinks to himself, watching as Aoba sits down beside Raidou. Genma strolls up as Aoba asks how their doing.

“I’m fine.” Raidou says, not even turning to look at Aoba. Genma looks at Kurenai as he sits down. She looks like she is considering lunging across the table at Raidou. Genma looks at Aoba, who sighs and picks up a menu.

“We’re not fine.” Kurenai declares, “actually, things are pretty fucked up between us.”

“Kurenai,” Raidou rumbles.

“Don’t you Kurenai me, like I am the crazy one.” She leans forward, setting her arms on the table.

“Well, how should I talk to you, then?” Raidou replies. “It seems like no matter what, I can’t do right by you, so right now, using your words, _tell me_ how to treat you right.” Kurenai clenches her jaw and narrows her eyes. Lesser men would balk. But she once told Raidou that she would cut his dick off if he stopped fucking her the way he was; they were in Genma’s bathroom, during a party, when everyone was too fucked up to notice or care. So, Raidou isn’t exactly afraid of her.

“I love you.” She snaps, “like really, really love you.” Genma groans, but neither notices.

“I love you too.” Raidou shoots back. Aoba raises his eyebrows at Genma, who looks like he has tasted something bad.

“No, I don’t think you know how much I love you.” She leans forward.

“Well shit, Kurenai, enlighten me.” Raidou says. “Tell me how much you love me.”

“I would let you degrade me.”

“When have I ever wanted to degrade you?” Raidou throws up his hands in a gesture of despair. Kurenai clenches her fists, and Genma grabs her bowl of ramen before she leans right into it. She chews the lining of her cheek, and both Aoba and Genma can tell that she doesn’t care that they are here.

“You know, you’re the only man who could come on my face without asking. I wouldn’t even be mad. I would lick it up, even if you didn’t ask me to.” Kurenai gets some satisfaction out of the shocked expression on Raidou’s face.

Aoba, who has never considered the possibility that anyone would ever feel this way about someone, makes a choking noise. Genma, who just wanted a nice dinner with friends and has seen firsthand how low Raidou has felt for the last few months, deeply loathes Kurenai in that moment.

“That’s a pretty fucked up thing to say to someone, Kurenai,” Genma says.

“I don’t care,” she snaps. “Raidou, that’s how I feel.”

“So, I am supposed to make decisions in my personal life on the basis that you would let me ejaculate on your face, and that you would lick up my spunk after?” Raidou looks like he is about to have a coronary. Genma rubs his eyes.

“Why are you engaging?” he asks. They both ignore him.

“Yes,” Kurenai says, “you deserve that.”

“Let me get this straight,” Raidou says, “I deserve the girl who went and fell in love with a mutual friend, who is still dating this friend and _conveniently_ declaring her love right before I get a girlfriend?” He makes a frustrated noise from the back of his throat. “What do you want me to do, Kurenai?”

“I want you to _choose me_!” She snaps, slapping the table with an open hand. This sends Raidou reeling. Kurenai’s mouth is open in an ‘o’, like she is too, surprised that she actually said that. She moves her hand over her mouth. Aoba and Genma blink at each other.

“Do you remember why we’re here?” he asks. Raidou slumps back, like all the fight has left his body. “You’re with Asuma. My choice has been made for me.” He puts his elbows on the table and rubs his face. “For _fuckssakes_ , you _replaced_ me, Kurenai.”

Kurenai swallows and nods. She stands up, pushing her chair in.

“Kurenai?” Genma looks up at her. “Are you going to pay for your dinner?” Kurenai reaches into her pocket and throws a few bills onto the table.

“Raidou?” she asks in a small voice. He doesn’t respond, so she wraps a hand around his wrist and pulls his hand back.

“Kurenai, I can’t.” He looks right up at her. “I can’t do it.” Raidou sighs. “I’m sorry.” Kurenai nods, and her hand falls from his wrist. She steps back. Raidou looks like he wants her to kill him. She looks over at Aoba, whose hand is over his mouth, and Genma who is glaring at her.

“Bye.” She murmurs, so low that if they didn’t see her mouth, they would have no idea what she said. Kurenai chews her lower lip, before walking out of the restaurant. Raidou watches her back, resisting the urge to chase after her, and offer to degrade her, if that’s what she really wants from him.

Genma crosses his arms and leans back. “What the fuck was that, Raidou?” he asks. Raidou looks at him and Aoba.

“I asked her what she thought about me being exclusive with Yuugao.” He sighs. Genma scoffs.

“Well, in that case, I’m impressed by her restraint.” He chews on the senbon in his mouth while Raidou sips his beer.

“You know, I’m no expert or anything, but I don’t think this is the last time you and Kurenai are going to have this conversation.” Aoba reaches across the table for Kurenai’s unfinished beer.

“You’re a fucking doormat, letting her say those kinds of things without shutting her down.” Genma picks up a menu. “You should have told her to fuck off well before she told you that she loves you so much that you could degrade her sexually.”

“A facial isn’t degradation,” Aoba says, “some women like it. Like Kurenai, apparently.” He snorts.

“Only if it’s Raidou,” Genma drawls, “maybe your semen is good for the skin.”

“Shut up,” Raidou says.

“C’mon, it’s pretty funny that she said something like that,” Aoba says, “personally, I prefer for a woman to compliment the size of my dick, but now, I think that’s too generic.” Aoba sips Kurenai’s beer. “I mean, she really loves you if she came up with something that specific.”

“I’m still Team Yuugao,” Genma says. “You, Raidou?”

Raidou shrugs and picks up a slice of pork. He stuffs it into his mouth, forcing Genma and Aoba to talk about something else.

**

Kurenai has a big hickey on her neck the next night. Genma narrows his eyes when he sees it. Asuma and Shizune joke around with Kakashi, while Aoba is, somehow, talking to Kurenai as if she didn’t declare that Raidou could give her non-consensual facials as a testament to her love for him. _Does Asuma come on your face?_ Genma wants to ask, even though he is pretty sure that the answer is _no_. He sits across from Kurenai, sipping his beer. She won’t make eye contact with him, which is how Genma knows, that she knows, how angry he is with her.

“Hey,” Genma says. Kurenai nods at him, blowing him off. Genma sucks on his senbon, and it pokes his tongue. This does not improve his mood.

Raidou isn’t perfect, but he doesn’t go out of his way to make Kurenai feel bad. Genma finds it hard to stay neutral when she tells Raidou to choose her, and then see her sit beside Asuma like she didn’t tell Raidou that she loves him.

“Hey, Asuma,” Genma calls. Asuma looks over and smiles. “Why do you like Kurenai?” Asuma blinks, and everyone else at the table looks at Genma.

“Why do I like Kurenai?” he asks. “Why do you care?”

“I’m just curious,” Genma says. He narrows his eyes. “Because she makes my dick shrivel up.” Asuma opens his mouth, but Kurenai interrupts him.

“That’s rude.” She says. Normally, she doesn’t care about the digs Genma makes about her looks. But she is keenly aware that Genma is upset with the way that she has treated Raidou.

“That’s why I said it.” He drawls. Kurenai frowns, while Asuma rolls his eyes.

“Leave me out of it, you two.” He reaches for his drink. Genma narrows his eyes, and Kurenai clenches her jaw.

“Dunno, you might want to add to this one Asuma.” Genma says. “Because, from where I stand, Kurenai is deeply unlikable.” Her eye twitches, while Aoba shifts in his seat. It kills him that he can’t tell everyone why Genma and Kurenai are circling each other when he knows the answer.

“Why is she unlikable?” Asuma asks. “What did she do to you?” Genma keeps his eyes focused on Kurenai. If Raidou were here, Genma wouldn’t say anything. But he is, hopefully, somewhere with Yuugao, forgetting that Kurenai exists.

“She’s a liar.” Genma says, looking her right in the eye. “You know, that’s what genjutsu is, right?”

“The we are all liars,” Asuma says. No one laughs.

“Did I mention that she also makes scenes in public?” Genma says. Kurenai feels the bottom of her stomach drop, and she does to keep a straight face. Aoba starts scratching his wrist under the table, a nervous tick that Kakashi and Shizune immediately notice.

“Kurenai, what did you do?” Asuma asks, unsure that he wants to know the answer.

“She made an ass of herself.” Genma says. Kurenai crosses her arms.

“He is mad because I don’t do the things he wants me to.” Kurenai says. “I apologize for not being able to live up to your standards, Genma.”

They continue to glare at each other, and the whole table goes silent. “You know what, Kurenai? You are singularly unlikable.” Genma says. Kurenai glowers.

“By how much?” she asks.

“If your life were a story, you would be an unlikable protagonist.” Genma takes the senbon out of his mouth.

“You are on a roll tonight, Genma,” Shizune says, hoping to break up whatever fight they are having. Genma blinks, and then smiles lazily.

“What can I say, Shizune?” he drawls, “I’m an _entertainer._ ” He sticks his senbon back in his mouth. Kurenai puts her elbow on the table and gives Genma the middle finger. He sticks his tongue out so quickly, that his senbon falls out of his mouth, so fast that there is no saliva.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long update. Things are going to be busy for me this fall, so expect some delays in updating, starting around the end of the month. 
> 
> I am wondering what people think about where this story is going? Sometimes, I am worried that it is too melodramatic, or the characters aren't quite right.


	7. An Updraft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A step forward, two steps back.

“and it’s haunting you deep”

Doja Cat, "In Your Eyes (Remix)"

One of the big drawbacks of moving out of the barracks is that Genma is no longer Kurenai’s neighbour. He is a lot of things: adversarial, judgmental and passive-aggressive. But if Kurenai ever needed to hide a body, he is the first person she would call. She pierced his belly button with a senbon when they were seventeen, so she knows he feels the same.

Kurenai looks up at the spider on her ceiling, dialling his number from memory. She holds the phone up to her ear and hopes that he isn’t still too mad to take her calls. They haven’t spoken in a week. She hasn’t yet come up with a good enough lie for Asuma. He stopped asking, but she can tell that it bothers him. _You two don’t fight like this_ , he had said. Kurenai shrugged and sipped her coffee. She shakes her head when Genma picks up.

“Hello?” he says. Kurenai doesn’t take her eyes off of the spider.

“Genma.” She says. She hears him sigh on the phone.

“What do you want, Kurenai?” he asks.

“There is a spider on my ceiling.” She says. There is beat, and then Genma sighs again.

“Kurenai, we haven’t spoken all week, and you call me at 6 AM because there of a spider?” Genma, on his end, sits up and rubs his eyes.

“Yes,” she says. “I hate spiders.”

She did this once to Asuma, who had laughed at her and told her to deal with it. It’s too early to deal with Guy. Aoba is useless for the first two hours he is awake. Shizune has a million things to do. Anko would never stop making fun of her. Kakashi wouldn’t even bother picking up the phone. She is still mad at Raidou, even though she has no right to be.

So that leaves Genma. Who, having been woken up so early, isn’t in the mood to forgive Kurenai for saying those things to Raidou while being in a relationship with Asuma.

“So, you want me to come trap it for you?” he asks. Kurenai nods, even though he can’t see it.

“Yes,” she says. He can tell by the tone and volume that she is freaked out.

“Is it big?” he asks. “Especially hairy? Venomous?”

“I would rather not find out.” She says. Genma laughs.

“Sounds like you, Kurenai.” Still chuckling, he hangs up the phone. Kurenai curses him, and paces under the spider, scared that it will descend on her but not wanting to let it out of her sight. Not for the first time, she misses Raidou. He did everything to make her life easier, even if he was woken up at an absurd hour.

After twenty minutes, there is knock on her door. “It’s open,” she says. Genma walks in, holding two cups of coffee and a brown bag.

“You still don’t lock your door?” Genma sets the coffee down on the table. He takes a donut out of the brown bag and walks over to Kurenai. Her eyes are still fixed on the spider. “So, you haven’t trained Asuma to do this for you?”

“He tells me to deal with it myself.” She frowns, “I’ve been this way for too long to change now.” Genma nods and holds the donut up to her mouth. Her jaw drops and he stuffs the donut into her mouth. It is chocolate and doughy. As she chews, he looks up at spider, before going to get a glass and a piece of paper. He sets them on the floor, before getting a kitchen chair. Genma picks up the glass and paper. He traps the spider under the glass and uses the paper to get it to walk down into the glass. He hops off the chair and walks over to the window, which is left open and unlocked. Kurenai watches as he knocks it with his elbow. Turning the glass upside down, he drops the spider onto her windowsill.

Genma watches it skitter away. He ducks back into the kitchen, closing the window behind him.

“Well, at least you didn’t call Raidou.” Genma says, putting the glass in the sink before walking over to get his cup of coffee. “Maybe you aren’t going to prevent him from unruining his life.” Kurenai swallows the chewed donut in one go. Genma smirks at the gulping noise she makes.

“He’s only with Yuugao to get even.” She says, walking over to get her coffee. Genma picks his donut out of the bag and takes a big bite of it, frowning while he thinks her words over.

“Raidou isn’t petty like that,” he speaks with his mouth full. “He actually really likes her.” He swallows, and bites of another mouthful.

“How can he really like her?” Kurenai asks. Genma blinks.

“Do you want him to be with someone he doesn’t really like?” Genma swallows. “I know you’re angry, but I never thought you’d want to condemn him to a life of misery.”

“No,” she says in a quiet voice. “I just don’t get it.” Genma shrugs.

“You aren’t dating her, so you don’t have to,” he says. “You just need to let him be happy.”

“But don’t you think she is kind of young?” Kurenai sips her coffee. Genma shrugs.

“Hayate was young too, and he hung out with us.” He and Kurenai haven’t spoken about Hayate’s death. No one really has. He had been their kid friend, even younger than Kakashi. It didn’t feel right, putting him in the ground.

“She and Hayate were pretty much the same age. Raidou has ten years on her.” Kurenai sips her coffee, wishing she had another donut.

“He has four years on you.” Genma says. Kurenai shrugs.

“I’m looking out for them.” She says in an innocent tone. Genma blinks.

“Oh-kay,” he says, sipping his coffee. “Do you have any other questions you want to ask?”

“What do you think Raidou sees in her?” Kurenai asks. “Whatever it is, I don’t see it.” Genma sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t know. She likes swords. She has purple hair.” He ribs his forehead. “He explained it to me once. Apparently ‘I like the girls who are weird pretty’ isn’t enough. You should hear his lecture sometime. He says a lot of philosophical things about how pretty you two are. Maybe he could have been poet, but I guess we’ll never know.” Genma drinks some coffee and looks around her apartment. It’s obvious Raidou hasn’t spent a lot of time here. It’s too messy, for him to be here regularly.

“She and I are not the same,” she says.

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” Genma asks. Kurenai pouts, and Genma rolls his eyes. “Look, does Raidou really deserve to be alone for the rest of his life because you are too much of a coward to go after him?” he sighs. “I mean, fuck, what you said the other night? That was low.” Kurenai looks down at the floor, holding herself.

The thing about saying things like _choose me_ and _I would let you come on my face without permission and then lick it up_ , is that while they may be true, they don’t really tell the truth. The truth is that Kurenai still loves Raidou.

“It was bad, wasn’t it?” she asks.

“Oh, it was horrible.” Genma sips his coffee. “I don’t think Aoba has recovered.” Kurenai offers him a small smile, and Genma smirks. “You and Raidou are freaks.”

“Only with each other,” she says. Genma wrinkles his nose and Kurenai cackles.

**

Raidou lies on his back, watching Yuugao read a book. Her head lies on his shoulder, and it is making his arm go numb. She is reading a romance novel, except, unlike Kakashi, they are written by women. _They are about people trying to wake up, Raidou_. He rubs her shoulder, and she looks up at him.

“What’s happening in your book?” Raidou asks, “anything exciting?” Yuugao turns to look at him, the book falling flat to her chest. She is blushing, and it makes him excited.

“You’re interrupting one of the dirty scenes.” She hisses. Raidou smirks.

“A dirty scene?” he asks, “ _now_ you’ve got my attention.” He reaches for the book as she tries to squirm away. “C’mon, let me see it.”

“No,” she whines, “let me have something to myself.”

“So, only your boyfriend can read your porn?” he asks, speaking right into the shell of her ear.

“No,” she says, “I like to keep my tastes in erotica to myself.”

“Now I’m just curious,” he rolls on top of her, hovering. Yuugao still presses the open book to her chest, and she clenches her thighs together. He smiles at her, showing all his teeth. It makes her melt a little.

“Can I have a little secret?” she asks, “one just for me?”

“I want to know all about your fantasies,” he replies, “every single one.” When he talks like that, Yuugao’s heart lodges in her throat. She opens and closes her mouth, as Raidou tilts his head. She can tell that he is waiting.

“It’s a historical romance,” she winces. “This woman, uh, meets a lord and at first, they hate each other, but I’m on page one hundred sixty-three and she is giving him a blow job in the throne room. But it’s empty.” Yuugao presses her mouth into a line. Raidou smiles.

“It’s no fun if no one is watching.” He says. Yuugao narrows her eyes.

“Don’t make fun of my book.” She pouts, “it’s fun.”

“I wasn’t making fun of it,” he says, “I was just telling you _my_ fantasy.” He puts his hand to the side of her face. Yuugao smiles.

“You want me to blow you in front of other people? I never would have pegged you for the type.” She sits up on her elbows, so she can speak into his mouth.

“Theoretically, I would be into that,” he says, “but I don’t want to test it. I prefer the fantasy.” He isn’t ready to admit it, but Yuugao now takes Kurenai’s place a quarter of the time when it’s just him and his hand. Slowly but surely, he is replacing Kurenai the way she did him.

Yuugao looks up at him. Not for the first time, she thinks about how much she likes him. How she thinks he deserves the world. “Everything you want should come true,” she says, “I’d do it.” She puts her hands on either side of his face. The book lies between them, lost. “You deserve _everything_.” Raidou looks for the lie, but it isn’t there. _Kurenai would let me do anything to her and Yuugao wants all my fantasies to come true_. So, why does he still feel unworthy?

“I don’t deserve anything,” he sighs. “I’m just a regular asshole. I’m no one special.” Yuugao smiles.

“You’re special.” She smiles, and it makes his belly swoop. He drops down to her, and kisses her, before kissing along her jaw, down her neck and across her shoulder. Yuugao squeaks, moving her book over to the side of his bed.

“What are you doing?” she asks. Raidou pauses, turning his face to her.

“Making out with your shoulder,” he replies. She wraps her legs around his waist, and she offers him everything.

**

Shizune has a pale back. Raidou makes this simple observation while she sits on the edge of his bed, putting her bra back on. For someone who dresses so modestly at work, she wears sexy underwear. This is the third time that they have done this, and each time, she wears a matching set of lacy underwear, the bra sheer and unlined. It’s the kind of thing Genma or Kakashi would want to know about Shizune. But Raidou won’t tell them. He can keep a secret.

He likes Shizune for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one is that she too, is simply here for a good time. The parts fit. Every other woman he has slept with hopes for more from him. Shizune, on the other hand, doesn’t want to get attached. She never spends the night, nor does she make excuses to see him again. It’s just easy, with her.

So easy, in fact, that he can talk to her about his interpersonal problems and she can simply stand back and laugh with him. Kakashi never found it funny, and Genma stopped laughing after the fifth woman has cornered him in a bar, asking about Raidou. Genma told him that he has a problem. Raidou replied _it’s not a problem if it helps you function_. Kakashi and Aoba had shrugged, but Genma threw his senbon down so it was stuck in the table right in front of Raidou. _You’re a fucking liar_ , Genma said.

He may be a liar, but Raidou has actually been doing well. His job performance and overall productivity have never been better. Kurenai was a distraction from what matters: being his best self.

His eyes follow Shizune as she stands up and walks over to where her underwear ended up. She doesn’t have any scars, something Raidou finds fascinating. Shizune laughed and told him that it was luck, honestly. He bops his head, thinking about luck. Raidou can’t remember the last time he felt lucky. Well, except when he was getting some. He’s been pretty fortunate in that regard.

“You always throw my underwear away,” Shizune pouts, stepping back into them. Today, it was magenta lace. Raidou looks from her toes, up to her face.

“I don’t want you to change your mind.” He sits up, hunching over to set his elbows on his knees. Shizune smirks.

“I have never changed my mind with you,” she puts her hands on her hips, looking for the rest of her clothes. “You’re that good.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“I’m alright.” He looks to his window.

“You’re more than alright.” Shizune says, “it’s going to suck when you finally admit that you want to be Yuugao’s boyfriend.” Raidou frowns.

“I don’t know why she wants to be exclusive,” he says, “with me, anyways. I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend.” Raidou suspects he would be really bad at it.

He doesn’t know, of course. But Raidou is someone who is content to convince himself that something won’t work, rather than to take a risk. Shizune looks at him with her dark eyes, and he can tell that she is about to go deeper than their current relationship allows.

She picks her dress up off the floor and shakes it out. When she is done, she puts it on, before tying the wrap around her waist. As she tugs the knot, she hums. He waits for her to drop the anvil on his head.

“Raidou,” she begins, “why do you talk about yourself like that?” Raidou leans back on his hands, kicking his legs out.

“I just don’t see myself as a boyfriend,” he replies, “it feels like I am always sleeping with the loves of other men’s lives.” Raidou looks down at the blanket.

“I thought Kurenai was your great love.” Shizune said quietly. It is always funny, when Raidou hears what other people thinks about his relationship with Kurenai.

“She chose someone else.”

“You don’t always end up with the person you love the most.” Shizune says quietly, crossing her arms. “You can have more than one great love, Raidou.” He looks away, because he can’t stand it when people pity him.

“More often than not, I feel like a bad person.” He says quietly. “I kill people for a living. I guess…I just have a hard time accepting love, until it’s gone.” He asks himself if Kurenai would have chosen him, if he had asked. He does it to torture himself.

“Yuugao is Anbu.” Shizune states. “You don’t think she has had to do some shitty things?” Raidou shakes his head.

“It’s different when it’s other people. I can intellectualize it. But when it’s me? I just feel everything.” He flops back down onto his bed as Shizune looks for her shoes.

“You need to start thinking of yourself as someone that they can love too.” Shizune calls to him. “Yuugao wants to fall in love with you, and Kurenai did.” She picks up a sandal and walks to the door where its counterpart lies.

Raidou sits up on his elbows. “You think?” Shizune smirks.

“Yuugao has the day off tomorrow. You should tell her you want to give it a try.” Shizune puts a sandal on.

“But then we can’t have sex anymore.” Raidou smirks, “and I have been told that I am pretty good.” Shizune smiles at him.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea.” Raidou gestures to his chest as if he has been wounded, and Shizune waves before leaving.

Raidou looks at the phone on his desk. After a minute, he stands up, deciding he wants to see what Yuugao is doing tomorrow night. He passes the mirror, and he tries not to look at all the scars that have accrued over the years. He isn’t vain. Raidou just has a troubled relationship with his past.

**

Raidou gets to the restaurant first. He drums his fingers against the table, waiting. Yuugao is five minutes late. From her flushed face, he can tell that she had done her best to get here on time. She wears a simple black sheath. It makes her look older than she is. Kurenai favors miniskirts, but this dress ends below Yuugao’s knees.

The more of her body she hides, the more Raidou wants to see it. The dress is doing its job. She smiles at him as she throws her hair back behind her shoulder.

“Hi,” she says, “sorry I’m late. I got caught up in something.” Raidou shrugs.

“It’s fine.” He pauses. “Do you like this place?” Yuugao frowns, looking around.

“I haven’t been, but it seems fine to me.” She replies.

“Are you sure?” Raidou asks. Yuugao gives him a strange look.

“Why are you asking me?” Yuugao asks. Raidou shrugs.

“I wanted to take you somewhere nice, and it occurred to me that I don’t yet know what you think ‘nice’ is, when it comes to restaurants.” Raidou looks right at her. He has a way of pinning someone with a look that makes you feel so exposed, it is like you have never been seen before.

“Nice?” she asks. Raidou nods, unaware of his effect on her.

“Well, I’ve never been someone’s boyfriend. I figured taking you somewhere nice would be a good first step.” Raidou smiles at her. As with all his smiles, it feels well-earned. Yuugao grins.

“My boyfriend Raidou. It has a nice ring.” She laughs, and Raidou can’t stop looking at her pretty mouth and cute teeth. Yuugao really is something. “So, we’re exclusive.”

“It’s just you and me.” Raidou says, picking up a menu.

“You sure?” Yuugao asks, crossing her arms. Raidou smiles.

“Yes,” he replies. He never does anything that he isn’t sure about.

**

Now that they are friends, Raidou and Kurenai spend a lot of time eating in restaurants. Neither of them trusts the other to be in an enclosed, private space without doing anything to compromise their new friendship. Raidou isn’t used to not being allowed to tuck her hair behind her ear, and Kurenai never prepared herself for the day that she wouldn’t be able to touch his arm. It’s actually more confusing trying to just be friends than it was when they started sleeping together.

Raidou is talking about Yuugao. Kurenai distracts herself by shovelling noodles into her mouth. It’s not that she isn’t happy. It’s just that she never imagined that she would one day sit at a table across from Raidou while he told her about another woman, and not have grounds to throws her ramen in his face. They were never exclusive, but they might as well have been.

Raidou can tell that she is upset. Kurenai doesn’t like ramen this much. He pauses, wondering if she has anything to say to him. She chews her noodles, unblinking. He puts an egg in his mouth and chews.

They swallow their food at the same time. It’s one of the many habits that shows how long they have been together.

“Are you happy, Raidou?” Kurenai finally asks. Raidou doesn’t look her in the eye as he swirls his soup around.

“Very happy.” He leans down to eat some noodles.

“She is always so serious.” Kurenai tries to keep the frown off her face. She ends up with a pinched expression.

“So am I.” Raidou replies. He holds her gaze, and she nods.

They eat in silence, and Kurenai thinks of a way to show that she really doesn’t mind any of this. That she is above being petty.

“We should go on a double date,” she says, not thinking. Raidou frowns.

“No, we will not.” He replies, but she sees his upper lip twitch up.

“C’mon, it would be fun.” She smiles, and Raidou shakes his head.

“No, it won’t.” He says, “the three of you will triangulate around me and come up with different ways to call me old.” Kurenai laughs, and Raidou points at her. “See what I mean! You are going to drive Yuugao away!” Kurenai shakes her head, trying to stop laughing.

“No, Asuma and I are forces for good.” She puts her hands up, “I swear.”

Raidou snorts in response, picking up his bowl to drink the broth.

**

When they leave the restaurant, Raidou offers to walk Kurenai home. As they walk towards her apartment, she looks at the dark street. Darkness has a way of following them. _Wow, how profound_. Kurenai shakes her head, trying to think of a nice memory to talk about. She looks up at the moon, at the stars.

She opens her mouth before the memory is fully formed in her head. “Raidou, do you remember the time I tried to make cookies?” Kurenai asked. She only did it once, before learning her lesson, which was to make sure Raidou was around to set an oven timer.

“You mean the time you tried to make them as a surprise?” Raidou remembers it, keenly.

“Yes! You just walked in and ran to the oven.” Kurenai smiles. Raidou grunts.

“How you couldn’t smell what was happening is beyond me.” He says. Kurenai laughed.

“And then…then…” her voice trails off, because she remembers what happened next. “You pulled the cookies out of the oven, turned it off, and then you fucked me so hard I couldn’t walk.” Kurenai doesn’t know why she finished the memory, when she could have cut it short. It would have been better for both of them.

She wouldn’t say that she has killed the mood. She just shifted its tone. Drastically. On her inhale, it all comes back in visceral detail. She had used that memory to get off for years. That’s why it is so complete. Great, the first memory she shares in a gesture of friendship is one she uses to masturbate. How wholesome.

She crosses her arms and looks over to Raidou. His expression is stony. “How often do you think about it?” Raidou asks. His question surprises her.

“What do you mean?” Kurenai says, “the cookies or the fucking.” Raidou shrugs.

“Whichever you think about more.” He smirks, and she tries to hide her smile.

“I think about it more often than I’d like.” Kurenai admits. Raidou nods.

“Those cookies were that bad.” He says, dryly. Raidou is trying to save their night. He is trying to be a good best friend and a respectful boyfriend.

But Kurenai knows for a fact that he is very good at being bad and disrespectful. That’s what this evening has been missing.

“The sex was that good, too.” Kurenai replies in an innocent voice, her eyes wide. Raidou gives her a look, but he doesn’t tell her to stop. “I still use it to get off.” Lesser men would balk. Kurenai is so pretty it is obscene, and she knows how to weaponize it. But Raidou has spent the better part of his twenties going toe to toe with her, so he isn’t intimidated.

He puts his hand out and grabs her wrist. He doesn’t even pull her to him; she comes to him. She looks up at him, biting her lip.

“I still think about it too.” He says, “all the time.” It’s not the truth: that memory is but one blip of the nine years that plays on loop in his head. He likes Yuugao, and he thinks they have something real. But they don’t have nine years, and they haven’t had the kind of sex he has had with Kurenai.

He let’s go of Kurenai’s wrist, aware that they are in dangerous territory. Kurenai doesn’t step back. She continues to look up at him.

“Asuma is gone for the next two weeks, and I have time off next week.” Kurenai looks into his eyes. “I want to see you.”

“How?”

“With my eyes.” She blinks. He doesn’t look away, but his jaw clenches.

“What are we going to do when I see you?” Raidou replies.

“So that’s a yes?” Kurenai smiles, triumphant.

“It’s a _how should I prepare_.” Raidou hates himself. Deeply. Profoundly. When did he become this unlikable?

“Just bring yourself.” Kurenai bites her lower lip.

“You always want more than what I have to give.” Raidou thinks about resisting. She presses herself to him, and he almost steps back.

“I just want all of you, Raidou.” Kurenai blinks. “I want you back.” Raidou narrows his eyes. She doesn’t actually want him back. She just wants to make sure that she still has her claws in him. Judging from the fact that he momentarily forgot the Yuugao and Asuma exist, Kurenai has nothing to worry about.

“What time should I come over?” Raidou asks. He knows he will see her throughout the rest of the week. They still hang out with the same people, go to the same places. But they haven’t hung out at either of their places, alone, since he left, and she started seeing Asuma.

Raidou hates himself and who he becomes with Kurenai, but not enough to stop it.

**

No matter how many times Konoha has been blown up, this bar always survives. It’s an institution, up there with the academy in terms of importance. Genma leans forward over his beer, grinding his teeth on his senbon. Kakashi sips his beer, his back to the rest of the bar. Raidou and Genma politely look away when he pulls his mask down, and they glower at people who stare. No one is gawking tonight, so Genma is staring off into space while Raidou checks his watch.

Genma, half-cut and in one of his obnoxious moods, decides to play his favourite game. “Kakashi,” he says, “why does Asuma like Kurenai?” Genma came up with this game in the hopes that pointing out her worst qualities will help Raidou get over Kurenai. Kakashi hums in response, thinking.

“Asuma likes Kurenai because of her legs.” Slim, muscled, strong. Raidou doesn’t know how they are supposed to be a turn off.

“Asuma loves Kurenai because of her dramatic outbursts.” Genma adds. Raidou admits, they have him there.

“Asuma loves Kurenai because of her fixation on Raidou.” Kakashi drawls. Genma cackles with delight. Raidou sips his beer. Once again, this isn’t a turn off.

“Asuma loves Kurenai because she is a literal fucking liar.” Genma adds. Raidou sighs, checking his watch. He is going to see her tonight, and none of their points have discouraged him. “What are you thinking about, Raidou?”

“The sudden heat death of the universe, Genma.” Raidou licks the beer off of his upper lip.

“You’re going to fuck Kurenai, aren’t you?” Kakashi asks. Raidou frowns.

“No,” he says in a low voice, “we’re just friends. I am going to go see her after I leave.” He crosses his arms and tries not to squirm under Kakashi and Genma’s looks.

“I don’t believe you,” Genma says.

“You don’t have to. That’s not how it’s like, anymore,” Raidou picks up his beer and takes another sip.

“So, what is it like?” Kakashi asks. “Enlighten me. Why are you going to visit Kurenai late and night while Yuugao and Asuma are out of town?”

“Are you two going to cure cancer? Find the solution to world peace? Save the whales?” Genma asks, chewing on a senbon. Raidou narrows his eyes.

“Why are you making a big deal of this?” he asks, “don’t you trust me?”

“You have a guilty look on your face, and you keep checking your watch.” Genma sits up straight.

“The math isn’t hard.” Kakashi adds, his elbow on the table.

“Whatever,” Raidou grumbles, sipping his beer.

“You should stay with us,” Genma says, “I am sure we can brainstorm more mean things to say about Kurenai.” Kakashi nods.

“Aren’t the two of you ever going to talk to girls?” Raidou asks, placing his glass on the table. “I mean, no offense, but having sex is a lot more fun than sitting around complaining about Kurenai.”

“You’ve pretty much fucked every girl.” Genma drawls. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“No, I haven’t. We have very different types. I like good girls.” Raidou says, without an ounce of self-awareness. Kakashi snorts, because when he thinks ‘good girl,’ sleeping with an ex when he starts seeing someone else and your boyfriend is _conveniently_ out of town doesn’t come to mind. Neither does sleeping with your dead boyfriend’s friend, but you know, life works in mysterious ways.

Raidou’s type isn’t hot action girl either; he likes women that make him feel special for being chosen. Before Yuugao, he had been on a bit of a bender.

“There was definitely a second where you didn’t care,” Kakashi says. Raidou clucks his tongue.

“All the women I have slept with are special to me.” He replies.

“Did that work on Shizune? Curious minds want to know,” Genma says. He was a little jealous about that particular conquest.

“Hey, I actually mean it with her.” Raidou says. Shizune is a lot more fun than he would have pegged her for.

“Honestly, sleeping with her would be better than going to Kurenai. You know that, right?” Genma asks. Not even someone as patient and understanding as Yuugao could overlook Raidou fucking his probable soulmate.

“Well, fuck me then.” Raidou groans, rubbing his face with his hands. Recently, it feels like he can’t do anything right.

“You know, it’s nice having you around more,” Kakashi says, “Yuugao makes your world bigger.”

“It’s true. You and Kurenai always kept to yourselves. We barely saw you.” Genma adds. Raidou squirms in his seat. He is keenly aware that his relationship with Yuugao is substantially healthier than his with Kurenai.

“It’s how we bond,” Raidou murmurs. He and Kurenai were an island unto themselves.

“That’s the problem. You two either only have room for the other or everyone else.” Genma says. Raidou raps his knuckles against the table instead of responding. He checks his watch: 9:45 PM. Genma rolls his eyes and Kakashi sighs.

**

Raidou is determined to be Kurenai’s friend. It is his resolution alongside getting serious with Yuugao. He and Kurenai have known each other since she was a baby. Out of the twenty-eight years they have known each other, only nine of those were spent sleeping together. They weren’t even an exclusive couple. They just didn’t have sex with anyone but each other. It wasn’t intentional. It just happened that way.

So Raidou is determined to recapture the previous eighteen years of friendship. Platonic and chaste. Like she has never had his dick in her mouth. He is determined to see this through, if not for Yuugao, then for proof of his own resolve.

But he has spent the last week dreaming of Kurenai. It isn’t healthy. It’s not what friends do. But friends don’t come up to you after dinner and remind you of the time that you fucked them so hard that they couldn’t walk, and then follow it up with the news that their boyfriend is out of town for the week and she has time off. It shouldn’t make him hard, but it does, so he _really_ shouldn’t be here. Because they are friends, or at least, trying to be.

As per her instructions, he knocks on her window at 10:30 PM. He sees her pad across her apartment, wearing the red dress she does when she is off duty. Raidou perches on the railing, staying out of her flowers. Asuma buys her seeds, she plants them. There are tender green shoots. Maybe Asuma’s insistence that Kurenai get into gardening is beginning to bear fruit. Raidou looks up, and she smiles as she opens the window.

“Why did I have to come through the window?” Raidou asks. “My girlfriend is in Anbu. She has eyes everywhere.”

“Yuugao is still your girlfriend?” Kurenai turns to the fridge. Raidou should frown at her disrespect for his relationship. But he did climb in her window late at night. He might as well have drop kicked the hearts of both Yuugao and Asuma.

“You jealous?” Raidou walks over to the couch and sits down. He watches Kurenai bring over two open bottles of beer. She passes one to Raidou, before walking over to the CD player.

“What are you in the mood for?” Kurenai flips through their combined collection. Raidou sighs.

“Silence.”

“Silence?” Kurenai asks. “Did something happen?” Raidou shakes out his head.

“I just don’t know if I want a soundtrack to this,” he shrugs, opening his arms wide. She puts a hand on her hip.

“What would _this_ be?” Kurenai says innocently. “I just wanted to see you.”

“Which Raidou do you want?” he asks.

“There is only one you,” she says, “once you accept that you are an integrated person, all your problems will be solved forever.” Kurenai walks over and sits on the couch beside him.

She is in love with Asuma. It’s true. She doesn’t understand why her eye keeps wandering back to Raidou. When they were doing their thing, she never looked from him. She never seriously entertained Asuma until Raidou gave her permission to go after him. Kurenai doesn’t think that he really understands the power he has over her. He is the only other man she ever thinks about, and she has seen Kakashi’s _face_.

She shouldn’t have said those things to him the other night. But seeing him at her window, she doesn’t regret it at all. She is excited. Her tummy is in knots and her mouth is dry. She runs her tongue over her upper lip, and she slows it down when she catches Raidou’s eyes flick to her tongue.

“What the fuck, Kurenai.” Raidou breathes. He closes his eyes, trying and failing to forget the image. What would Kakashi or Genma do? _They never would have showed up. At most, they would have rubbed one out and called it a night._ Raidou wishes he weren’t such a masochist. It’s insane, that he wants her more than he ever has before.

“We don’t have to do anything,” she replies, “but I missed you.”

“You missed me?” Raidou opens his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You saw me yesterday.”

“But we never do this anymore.” She replies.

“That’s because it always leads to us having sex.” Raidou sips his beer, “and we are in exclusive relationships with other people now.” Raidou kicks out his leg. He wonders if Asuma and Kurenai have fucked all over the place. That’s what she and Raidou did, when they finally got together. They had sex in every room of their dead parents’ houses. Kurenai joked that it was to prevent a haunting.

In hindsight, they were two horny kids who were trying to process grief and loneliness. No one said eighteen and twenty-two-year olds were smart. He and Kurenai were idiots. Still are.

“I know,” Kurenai says, “but I still think about you.” _All the time_.

“How much?” Raidou turns to look at her. He doesn’t know if there is any amount that would be satisfactory, short of all the time. Kurenai blinks and tucks her legs up and under her.

“More than I want to.” It’s the closest she will get to the truth.

“How much do you want to think about me?” Raidou smirks, and Kurenai narrows her eyes.

“I want to only think of you in daylight hours, and only of our wholesome memories.” Kurenai pouts. It strokes his ego, to know that she hasn’t stopped thinking about their time together.

“Nine years is a long time.” He murmurs, moving so he can face her.

Nine years with Raidou. It feels like more, but that’s because the previous eighteen had all been in his orbit. He was the boy she had always admired, had desperately attached herself to. He is the first person she loved, as both a girl and a woman. She knew that Asuma always had a crush on her, and that Kakashi wouldn’t have said no if she had approached him. But Raidou always stood above them. She had always looked at Raidou and thought _that’s him, my star_. Kurenai knows she has power over men, and that she shouldn’t play games with people’s lives.

But whatever is between her and Raidou is far from a game and she just _wants_ him in such a visceral way. She takes another sip of her beer, looking at him and thinking of the last twenty-odd years. They have all watched each other grow up. But she saw Raidou become a man. Maybe it is because he is older than her. She always looked at him differently than the others.

“Is it bad that I want more?” Kurenai whispers. Raidou watches her mouth move the way a wolf looks at a doe, looking for weakness.

“More what, Kurenai?” Raidou asks. He wants her to admit that they both have the same weak spot.

“More time with you.” She sighs. Raidou nods and puts his beer on the ground. She knows how this will end. So, she mirrors him.

“Would you like more, now?” Raidou doesn’t ask to tease her. She knows he does this for his own clarity. But it makes her rubs her thighs together when he says things like that in his serious assassin voice. It’s gross. She is keenly aware.

“Now.” Kurenai nods her head, and Raidou leans towards her, running his thumb along her jaw.

“Really?” Raidou just wants to check. He also likes to savor the moments where he can toy with her. They feel few and far between, compared to all the time she spends teasing him.

Kurenai kisses him, tired of waiting. He pulls her dress up and over her hips, so that she can straddle him. He pulls her towards him, and all she does is squeak when they have to part to do it. He is such a good kisser. It’s not fair. She smiles into his mouth, and he pulls back.

“What?” he asks. Kurenai smiles, exposing her canines.

“You’re the best at kissing.” Kurenai leans in again, he sighs.

“I’ll ask Yuugao,” he replies. “Maybe she made me better.” Kurenai shakes her head.

“You were always perfect.” She kisses him deeper, and Raidou drops the subject of Yuugao. She doesn’t deserve to be dragged into this.

Raidou searches the back of Kurenai’s dress for the zipper. Eventually, he finds it. Pulling it down, he helps roll the sleeves down her arms, so she is exposed, with the exception of her tummy. She sticks her arms in the air, and he yanks it off and tosses it across the room.

“Bed?” Kurenai asks. Raidou pulls back, and smirks.

“You just moved in, right?” Kurenai nods, her arms around his neck. “Remember how we used to have sex in every room of a new place?” Raidou loves the molten look in Kurenai’s eyes, and the way she presses closer to him. She kisses him and murmurs, “kitchen countertop,” right into his lower lip. She nips his smile.

Raidou picks her up, walks her across the apartment and plops her on the countertop. Her window is still open, and it is a clear night. If someone were to stand outside, they could see Kurenai in her underwear, and Raidou between her legs. He frowns, turning to the open window. It’s windy tonight. Kurenai kisses his neck, and she whines when he moves away to shut the window and draw the curtains.

“I wouldn’t want someone to catch us.” He says over his shoulder. Kurenai kicks her legs out.

“No one cares about what we do in our spare time.” Raidou doesn’t say anything. He is very sure that Asuma and Yuugao would have a lot of opinions, actually. But he and Kurenai have a twin selfish streak.

Besides, there are nine years between them. That kind of bond doesn’t disappear. It simply mutates, if you’re lucky. Fortune has never favored Raidou.

He walks back to her, taking his shirt off. He stops, unzipping his pants, and taking them off with his underwear. Bare, he walks to Kurenai.

“You got naked first.” She sighs. He shrugs.

“I’m efficient.” He hooks his hands in the waistband of her underwear, and tugs. She lifts herself up onto her hands, and he pulls her panties down from her hips to her knees to her toes, throwing them over his shoulder.

He kneels before her, and she watches him press his mouth to her. She moves so that she barely sits on the counter, wanting him to be as close as possible to her. She doesn’t know if he is good or if being with him for such a long time trained her body to respond to his particular way of eating her out. Asuma is good, but he isn’t home. Not like Raidou.

Kurenai looks up, up at the ceiling and wonders if there is a god. If there is, she must be a woman. No man would make sex feel this good. She moans quietly, which Raidou takes as a challenge, and he moves more forcefully. Kurenai fights the urge to lock her knees behind his head and pull him in. Sex with Raidou always has an undercurrent of primeval violence. Nothing can be divine if it weren’t also a little bit profane.

She runs her fingers through his hair, and she tugs when he finds the truth of her. She sucks in her breath and moans, but he keeps going because he was here first, and he will probably be here last. Is that a bad thing to think? Oh _fuck_ , that’s right—Asuma. Kurenai can’t even picture his face, that is how good Raidou is giving it to her. She looks down as he looks up, and she knows he is doing it on purpose. She looks into his eyes. All she sees is heat. _Fuck_ , she thinks, _and people think I’m cold_.

A second later her head spins, and she kicks out. Raidou holds her down. They both know it’s over. He pulls back and waits for her to ride it out, before he stands back up. He bites his lip, as she hops onto the balls of her feet. She kisses his chin, unhooking her bra and throwing it across the room. There are red marks on her ribcage.

Kurenai spins and lands her elbows on the counter. Raidou smirks, knowing what this means. _Hard and fast, please_. He steps up behind her, and for a brief moment, wonders if they need a condom. They never talked about it before, when it was just them. He taps her on the back, and she turns around, with an impatient look on her face.

“What?” Kurenai hisses. She is temperamental when worked up. Lesser men would submit but Raidou stands his ground.

“Do we need a condom?” Raidou asks. Kurenai shakes her head.

“I’m on the pill,” she replies, “are you good?” Raidou, who started getting tested regularly, nods his head. “Great. We don’t need one then.” She turns her head back to look at the wall. Raidou laughs to himself.

“You are so impatient.” Kurenai opens her mouth to respond, but instead, he slides home.

Raidou looks at the scars on her back, and he finds himself relieved to notice that there are no new marks. She is just as he left her. It creates the illusion that no time has passed. That there was no Asuma, no Yuugao, just him and Kurenai, the way it was intended. He bites his lip, concentrating on chasing the point where there is no light and sound lags behind.

Kurenai rests her forehead on her fists, and she clenches her jaw. He is giving her what she wants, and not for the first time, she regrets their time apart. She can’t even remember why— _why_ did they stop? She is convinced that they are two pieces of the same being, and as she arches her back, she thinks about how cruel it is that she and Raidou are condemned to live in separate bodies. It’s all so unfair. Six months has nothing on nine years, and when they are like this, Kurenai wishes they were fused into one being. Raidou would be into being welded to her, and frankly, he is the only man worthy of the honor.

“Fuck, _Raidou_ ,” Kurenai growls. Raidou, who has been lost in the _again_ and _again_ and _again_ that constitutes his time inside of her, tilts his head.

“I didn’t hear that.” He smiles at her exasperated moan.

“I guess you’ll never know.” She turns back and glares at him. He shrugs. The tendon in her neck is raised, which means she is feeling what he is. Either way, he wins.

They continue at this pace, until her vision begins to rip at the seams, and she shuts her eyes so she can enjoy the moment where time tears through space and he slams home. There is a roaring in her chest, that pushes up from her lungs and pulls itself from her throat, and Raidou snaps his teeth at her shoulder, remembering just in time that they answer to other people now.

Raidou kisses the back of her head, before standing up and pulling himself out. Kurenai sighs as she stands up, using her arms to stretch up into the air. Raidou stares off into space. She turns around, and when it registers that he isn’t looking at her, she frowns.

“Raidou?”

“Hmmm.”

“Raidou!” Kurenai is sharp. Raidou blinks lazily.

“Yes?”

“What are you thinking?” her voice quiets, and he pouts, thinking.

“That I shouldn’t want to do this again.” He says, “that, if I were a good person, I would have just rubbed one out and gone to bed.” Kurenai wraps her arms around his waist and presses herself to him.

“I’m glad you came.” She kisses his chest. Raidou frowns, but he wraps his arms around her head so that she doesn’t see his face.

“I’m happy too.” He puts his chin on her head and tries not to think of Yuugao.

**

Needless to say, Raidou isn’t really happy. Instead, he feels incredibly guilty. Sickeningly so. Raidou sits at Yuugao’s counter, watching her cut up an apple. He deserves to be cut up into little pieces. He did something unforgivable.

“You look like you’re thinking about something difficult.” Yuugao says. “Did something happen at work?” Raidou shakes his head.

“No, I did get a long mission that starts tomorrow, but other than that, work is easy.” Raidou uses his thumbnail to scratch his jaw. Raidou has decided that, instead of confessing, he is going to live with his guilt. Yuugao could never trust again, and he doesn’t plan on this becoming a habit. We all get one massive fuck up, right?

“Your work is never easy.” She looks up at him, tilting her head.

“Well, easy for me,” he smiles.

“Big Bad Raidou, a conscientious and duty-bound worker.” She sticks a piece of apple into her mouth. He snorts as his guts twist into a knot.

**

She’s late.

Kurenai is listening to Kakashi and Asuma argue over something beneath her when she realizes that she hasn’t gotten her period yet. Asuma just got back yesterday, and she has been waiting for the guilt that never comes. She momentarily freezes, before getting up and leaving with a wave of her hand. They are used to her leaving on the fly, so it doesn’t bother them.

She calls Raidou as soon as she gets to a phone. He answers after two rings. Today is his day off. Kurenai still memorizes his schedule.

“Hey.” His voice is gruff.

“Hi.” Her voice shakes, and she looks around to ensure that she is alone. “I’m late.”

“You’re late.” Raidou repeats. She clenches her jaw. “Have you taken a test?”

“No.” Kurenai swallows.

“Okay. You want to get one and come over here?” Raidou clears his throat after. It comforts Kurenai, who is panicking. This is bad. Of all her screw ups, and there have been many, this would beat almost all of them. She loves Asuma, she really does.

But she fucked Raidou anyway.

“Kurenai?” Raidou asks, “are you there?”

“Yes.” She replies. “I am going to buy a test and take it at home.” She touches her stomach, and sincerely hopes that there is nothing there.

“Kurenai, we’re going to be okay.” Raidou says. “This isn’t the end of the world.”

“Raidou, I can’t have a baby with you.” Kurenai whispers. “It would destroy Asuma and Yuugao.” Raidou wants to laugh. He is pretty sure that the baby simply be an extra indignity. But the _you_ part cuts deep.

“With me specifically?” Raidou asks, “or someone who isn’t Asuma?”

“You know what I mean!” Kurenai stomps her foot and hunches over, frowning into the phone.

“No, those are two very different propositions, actually.” Raidou looks up at his ceiling. He hears her sigh on the phone.

“Could you honestly say that you want to have a baby with me?” Kurenai asks. Raidou’s stomach clenches, and he feels his insides turn to goo. The truth is that Kurenai is the only woman who he would have a child with. It feels natural with her. But she didn’t choose him. Raidou looks at the floor, nodding his head to himself.

“I don’t want to be a father.” Raidou swallows the bitter aftertaste of his lie. Yet again, another moment where he lies to her about the extent of his feelings. He does it to avoid rejection, but it occurs to him that his lies actually allow him to count himself out for her. Like he is stepping out of her way. Kurenai isn’t a monster. He just doesn’t know how to _not_ enable her.

And maybe he will really, really, really love Yuugao one day. He really, really, _really_ wants to. A baby with Kurenai would take that from him.

“See,” Kurenai breathes, thinking she has made him see reason. “Look, I will call you when I know. I love you.” She says it without thinking, hanging up. Raidou listens to the dial tone for a minute, not registering that she had hung up after she told him that she loves him.

She has really fucked with his head.

It is a relief when she calls and tells him that the test was negative.

**

Kurenai and Raidou have become experts at avoiding the glaring flaws in their relationship. She knows he is mad about the comment she made about having his baby, but she doesn’t think she will ever be ready to be someone’s mother. It’s not in her vision for the future.

They are walking down the street. Raidou asked her to go on a walk with him, and she followed him like she always does. His hands are in his pockets, and he is frowning, like he always does. There was once a time when she was a teenager where she could’ve humped his leg and been happy. He was older, and he didn’t look at her like that until she was eighteen. She smiles, thinking about how frustrated she was at fifteen, when she was trying to get Raidou to see her as a woman and Asuma and thirteen-year-old Kakashi were the only two who noticed.

Raidou wants to be a better boyfriend. He hasn’t told Yuugao what happened, but he knows, on some level, that it would destroy her. Hayate was her first love; they had grown up with each other. There was no way that Raidou could measure up, but as the transition guy, he knew that he could very easily mess Yuugao up. He is keenly aware that he has ten years on her, and he wants to be a good partner. That means not putting all his bullshit on Yuugao. It’s why he refuses to tell her about Kurenai; he would only do it to make himself feel better, and it would destroy her ability to trust.

A big part of it is that Raidou doesn’t think he could handle the look on her face if he were to tell her. Asuma is Kurenai’s problem, but Yuugao’s feelings matter to Raidou. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt because he did a stupid thing. It would be cruel to tell her.

So, he is going to buy her flowers before their date. Yuugao likes flowers; she buys bouquets for herself. Raidou doesn’t like them, but he is serious about giving it a go with Yuugao. Buying flowers would be a gesture in that direction.

Kurenai is surprised when they stop outside Yamanaka Flowers. Raidou looks in the door, biting his lip.  
“Raidou?” Kurenai looks at him. He doesn’t look her in the eye when he turns to her.  
“I want to buy Yuugao flowers.” He pauses. “Could you help me? I haven’t done this before.” Kurenai softens at the unsure expression on his face, but it feels like a punch in the gut. How many times did she want him to buy her flowers?

“Of course, Raidou.” She smiles as he opens the door, and she follows him in.

It’s cold in the shop, and Ino sits on the stool, reading a magazine. Beside her, Hinata is looking at a stack of weathered looking flowers. The girls both look up at Raidou and Kurenai.  
“Hi Kurenai-sensei.” Ino says, her face immediately projecting charm. Hinata looks at Raidou shyly, before looking to Kurenai.

“Hello, Kurenai-sensei.” Hinata says in her soft voice. Kurenai looks to Raidou, who, as usual, is oblivious to his effect on the fairer sex. He is self-conscious of his scar, but it really adds to his appeal.  
“Hinata, Ino.” Kurenai smiles. “This is my friend, Raidou. He is looking to buy some flowers for his girlfriend.” Raidou smiles at the girls. Partly because it is polite, partly because this is the first time Kurenai has affirmed his relationship. Maybe friendship won’t be so hard.

“Oh, sure,” Ino looks to Raidou, “what are you looking for?”  
“Something pretty, but not cliché or obnoxious.” Raidou bobs his head. Kurenai rolls her eyes, while Ino blinks.  
“Do you know what color she likes?” Ino asks. At the tender age of twelve, she has mastered the art of hiding how stupid she thinks a grown man really is. Kurenai bites her lip, trying not to laugh. Raidou scratches his head, thinking, while Kurenai turns her attention to Hinata.  
“Hinata, what are you doing here?” Kurenai smiles. Hinata looks up, blinking.  
“Oh, Ino had some flowers that were too old to sell, so I came by to see if there were any I could press.” Hinata smiles, “my mom taught me. Would you like one?” Kurenai looks down at the pile, thinking about which flower she would like.  
“Surprise me, Hinata.” The girl nods, turning back to her pile. Meanwhile, Ino taps her nails against the counter while Raidou thinks.  
It’s strange, feeling like you are wasting a twelve-year old’s time. Raidou closes his eyes thinking. She always has lilacs around. Would that be appropriate? Whatever. He thinks flowers are a dumb way to communicate about your feelings. Actually, expressing any emotion is just stupid. Better to hold it in. It works for him.  
“She likes lilacs.” He says, shuffling his feet. “It’s new. I don’t want to scare her, or anything.” He doesn’t know why he adds this. Ino is too young to know what any of this means. She nods her head.  
“Lilacs are pretty, and they aren’t cliché.” She smiles, “Some pink carnations would look nice too.” She walks him over to where all the flowers are, and Kurenai watches him pick flowers, and Ino gather them for him. It makes her tummy clench, to watch him do something like this. The Raidou she knows thinks flowers are wasteful. But this is a different Raidou. She can tell.

Hinata looks up at Kurenai’s face when she isn’t looking. Kurenai is the prettiest woman that Hinata has ever seen. But she seems wilted, and she is blinking a lot. They all know about her and Asuma-sensei. But Hinata sees the way that she looks at Raidou, and that isn’t how someone looks at a friend. Hinata looks at the flowers before her. While Kurenai is distracted, she sets aside a lilac into the pile she is taking home.

Raidou and Ino return to the counter, and Ino explains the meanings of flowers. Lilacs and pink carnations are good for new relationships. They are pretty, but subtle. They don’t come with all the expectations of roses or tulips, and they aren’t as in-your-face as lilies. Kurenai wonders if Ino really cares or is trying to trap another customer.

“So,” Kurenai interrupts, “you buy flowers now.” Raidou pulls out his wallet, snorting.  
“I hear it’s something boyfriends are supposed to do.” He pulls out a few bills. Kurenai thinks of the roses on her table at home. Asuma was always direct about his feelings.  
“You never buy flowers.” Kurenai says. Raidou pauses, looking at Ino and Hinata, who are watching the exchange. There are a lot of things he wants to say, but it would be inappropriate to do so in front of them.  
“I’ve never been a boyfriend before.” Raidou smiles at Ino, who blushes.  
“Well, you could have bought me flowers.” Kurenai smiles, “I wouldn’t have said no.” Raidou sighs.  
“You never asked.” He drawls, “I can’t read your mind.” Kurenai looks away, and Raidou hands Ino the money when she finishes wrapping the flowers.

It hurts, seeing him be attentive to someone else. It reminds her of all the times when she was a teenager, and he didn’t see her the way she wanted him to. All those big, overwhelming feelings of irrational jealousy flood back. She bites her lip. She had to say that thing about pregnancy. He didn’t have to spring a visit to the flower shop on her. She drums her fingers on the table.

“Did Yuugao ask?” Kurenai asks. Raidou looks at Kurenai like she has lost her mind.  
“She doesn’t have to,” he says slowly, “it’s expected from our relationship.”  
“What about us?” Kurenai digs in her heels. Raidou can tell that she is going to make a scene. It’s annoying. Ino and Hinata are young, but they aren’t stupid.  
“Would you like me to buy you flowers?” Raidou tries to keep his tone casual. “I’ll buy you flowers, if you want me to. You just need to ask.” _You don’t have a problem asking for sex—what is a bouquet of flowers?_ Kurenai frowns.  
“I shouldn’t have to ask,” she replies, “you should just appreciate me.” Raidou blinks. He cannot take the bait here.  
“Duly noted.” He drawls, turning away. He hears Kurenai tap her foot, turn on her heel, and leave. He picks up the flowers, grumbling to himself, when he sees Hinata and Ino watching him. He sighs.  
“Do you want to get something for Kurenai-sensei?” Ino asks in a small voice. Raidou bites the inside of his cheek. He shouldn’t, not after everything that has happened. But their bond is already twisted. It can’t get worse.  
“Sure,” he says. “What would you recommend for a friend?” Ino smiles and walks back over to the flower stand.

Raidou leaves the first bouquet on the counter and follows her.

**

Being in Yamanaka Flowers has only re-affirmed Raidou’s opinion that flowers are a scam. He carries two bouquets in his arms, when he only wanted one in the first place. He didn’t think he would need to warn Kurenai. Fuck, he didn’t even think she would care that much.

He is walking fast, because he needs to find Kurenai before he can go meet Yuugao. Even he knows that it is bad form to bring flowers for another woman on your date. The problem is that they live in complete opposite directions. Not for the first time, he curses Kurenai. He never does shit like this to her.

He turns a corner, and nearly collides with Genma and Kakashi. He stops just in time, and Raidou opens his mouth to complain, when Kakashi points at the flowers.  
“Two bouquets.” Kakashi drawls, “don’t you think that’s excessive.” Raidou rolls his eyes.  
“I thought you hated flowers.” Genma adds.

“I do.” He retorts.  
“So why do you have flowers?” Genma tucks his hands into his pockets. Raidou sighs.  
“Kurenai and I went on a walk, I went and bought flowers for Yuugao before our date.” Raidou says, “and then Kurenai asked why I never buy her flowers and it turned into a thing.”  
“So you bought Kurenai flowers, because she is jealous of your girlfriend?” Kakashi asks. When Raidou glares at him, Kakashi puts his hands up in surrender. “I just want to know if I heard it right.” Genma leans forward to eye to two bouquets. He smirks when he sees the yellow daises. “Ah, yellow daisies—the _just friends_ of flowers. She probably wants something nicer. Maybe you are standing up for yourself.” Genma chews on the senbon in his mouth. Raidou sighs.  
“Look, I have to meet Yuugao.” He shoves the bouquet of daisies into Kakashi’s arms. “Could you deliver these to Kurenai for me?” Raidou chews his lip. “Please? I am going to be late.”

Raidou starts walking before they can argue, and he is already well on his way when Genma turns yell at him.  
“This is exactly how she pissed away nine years of your life!” Genma shouts.  
“And counting.” Kakashi says.

“Yeah and counting!” Genma shouts. Raidou turns back and gives them both the middle finger. “Yuugao is expecting me. Let me know if Kurenai likes the flowers.” Raidou turns around and marches away. Genma and Kakashi look at the flowers, before Genma snatches them away.  
“I’ll take them,” Genma huffs, “I actually want to be her friend.” Kakashi narrows his eyes but says nothing. He thinks Kurenai is pretty, that’s all. Whatever. He would prefer to stay out of this mess, but Raidou is their friend and he asked for a simple thing.

“Lead the way.” Kakashi drawls. Genma frowns, which is how Kakashi can tell that his friend is disappointed in this turn of events.

**

Yuugao is nervous. Like, butterflies eating your stomach lining nervous. Each time she sees Raidou, she likes him a little more. She taps her foot. Hayate is still fresh, but she knows he would be happy that she was moving on. Well, she hopes he is, because that is what she is doing.

She is at the door when she hears the knock. Yuugao opens it, and Raidou looks surprised that she answered so quickly. Yuugao is about to say hi, when Raidou holds out a bouquet of flowers. His features are blank, and she can tell that he hasn’t done this before.  
“I thought you hated flowers.” Yuugao takes them from his hands, gently. She lets him in, and she walks to the kitchen to put them in water.

“You like flowers.” Raidou says, “I thought it would be a nice surprise. We haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.” He suppresses the visceral memory of being inside Kurenai.  
“You know how it is.” Yuugao turns to him, smiling. “I’m excited to go on our date.” Raidou smiles.

“Excited?” Raidou walks up to her as she stands by the sink. He wraps his arms around her from behind, allowing himself to enjoy being close to her. Raidou and Kurenai were never very good at the everyday intimacies. Like, she sat on him at parties and he could put his arm around her. But they never just stood in a kitchen with him at her back. Sex doesn’t count.

And he does like Yuugao an awful lot. She leans into him, humming.  
“Very.” She replies. “You got lilacs too.”  
“I have eyes,” he drawls, “you like them, right?” Yuugao nods.  
“They are my favorite.” She turns her head to kiss his chin. “You did a good job.” Raidou shrugs. “I notice little things.” He lets go of her and moves to look out the window. She watches his back, and smiles to herself, because it is true. He notices all the little things.

**

Kakashi knocks on the door, because he can tell that Genma wants to use his angry knock. Genma scowls when Kakashi beats him to it, but he simply shrugs in response. Genma always insists that he is the one sane man when it comes to Kurenai, which isn’t wholly true. Kakashi sees what she does to Asuma and Raidou. He just thinks she’s hot anyway.

They hear shuffling, and Kurenai answers the door. She has a sour look on her face, and it only gets worse when she sees Genma holding flowers out for her.  
“You are such a brat, Kurenai.” Genma says as she takes them from his hands.  
“Why?” Kurenai asks, turning on her heel, allowing them to step inside her apartment. Kakashi and Genma see the roses on her table at the same time, and they exchange a look.

“You bullied Raidou into buying you flowers.” Genma says. Kurenai pauses and turns to them. “These are from Raidou?” Kurenai’s voice is soft, and she holds them a little closer. Kakashi looks around, checking to see that Asuma isn’t around. “He hates flowers,” she says softly, “he thinks they are vulgar and wasteful displays of decay.” She touches a petal. “I don’t know why he bothered.” She sets them down on the counter, and looks for a glass to put them in.

“I don’t know why he bothered either.” Genma says. Kurenai shoots him a look.  
“You don’t know everything.” She says. Kakashi wonders over to the window, deciding to let them hash it out.

He thinks about the conversation he and Asuma had the other day. Asuma said that she had been distant the last few weeks. He isn’t stupid. He just chooses to trust Kurenai. It’s just becoming more of a conscious choice than it was with previous girlfriends. Kakashi had given the boilerplate _trust is key_ , but in his gut, he knows that Raidou and Kurenai aren’t over. They don’t have the kind of relationship that ends neatly.

Genma leans against a wall. “What do I not know?” he asks. He isn’t normally so pushy, but he knows that if he doesn’t do something, Raidou and Kurenai will ruin each other’s lives and take Asuma and Yuugao down with them.  
“You don’t know what it’s like to be with Raidou.” Kurenai takes out a glass and fills it with water. “You treat me like I am the villain.”

“You’re the one who went and got a boyfriend.” Genma snaps. Kurenai turns to glare at him. She sets the glass on the table and finds a pair of scissors. She cuts away at the packaging, before picking up the first stem, and snipping of the end, leaving a diagonal cut.  
“He told me to.” Kurenai says quietly. “Has he mentioned that?” Genma blushes.

“No,” he replies quietly, “he doesn’t talk about it. You can see it’s killing him, can’t you?” he walks up to her, and watches her cut the stems. _Snip, snip, snip_. Twenty-eight times. One for each year she has known him, for each year she has been alive.

“Yuugao is good for him.” Genma says quietly. “He’s happy.” Kurenai is silent. She wants to say that if he was happy, he wouldn’t have kissed her in the chaos of the chunnin exams or fucked her over her kitchen counter. But she doesn’t say anything, because on some level, Kurenai is trying to accept that she ought to let him go.

“Yuugao is alright.” Kurenai replies quietly. Genma nods, and chews on his senbon. The wound reopens a few weeks later, when Hinata gives Kurenai a pressed lilac.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is this week's update. Thanks for reading my trashy romance novel. It means a lot to know that there are people who are as emotionally invested in Raidou and Kurenai (who are both crack characters, considering how they are basically plot devices in Naruto). When Yuugao says romance novels are about waking up, she is quoting Maya Rodale, who is a romance author. The quote is from her book "Dangerous Books for Girls," and it talks about why romance fiction is looked down upon (basically, because women create and consume it). I think one of her most interesting assertions is that romance is derided as trash is because it is about women imagining their ideal partners and *gasp* how dare women have standards for men?
> 
> This is all a very long winded way of saying that all my characters are trying to wake up, and that Asuma and Raidou would NEVER leave their dirty socks lying around or make Kurenai and Yuugao responsible for their bullshit. I feel bad because I'm not really doing much with Asuma, but he was a plot device in Naruto, so this is one big lateral move for him. 
> 
> Anyways, stay safe out there. The next chapter will be posted next week at latest. Feel free to let me know what you think.


	8. A Rainstorm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guilt of wanting to want to feel guilty.

“You couldn’t have/ stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody/ Who loves you more”

“Phoebe Bridgers, “Moon Song”

The flowers go a long way in helping Raidou get back into Kurenai’s life. _When life closes a door, it opens a window_ , he thinks as he watches her scarf down a waffle. They haven’t talked about the fact that they had sex over her kitchen counter, or what it means. She isn’t pregnant, and that’s what matters.

Raidou chews on his omelette. He finds it hard to look at her, knowing that she wants him to buy her flowers and have pretty much unprotected sex, but she still doesn’t choose him.

“Do you ever feel guilty?” he asks. Kurenai blinks at him.

“Guilty?” she asks, her mouth full.

“Yeah, guilty.” He gives it to Yuugao harder than before, desperate to realize the impossible wish of unfucking Kurenai.

“Why would I feel guilty?” Kurenai asks. It’s not that she doesn’t love Asuma or Raidou. It’s that, when it comes down to it, she chooses herself. Asuma is the same. Raidou’s problem is that he is always trying to take care of everyone else.

“You guilted me into buying you flowers.” He says. Raidou absolutely, positively, does not want to talk about sex with Kurenai in public. The last thing he wants is a plate of buttery, syrupy waffles being pushed into his face with Kurenai telling him that she will murder him if he even suggests pulling out next time, let alone that there shouldn’t be a next time.

Not that there will be a be a next time. He’s thought about it, but that doesn’t mean it will happen. He shakes his head at the thought, bringing his conversation with Kurenai back into focus.

“I was hurt,” she says.

“Well, maybe you need a thicker skin.” He deadpans, moving the eggs around on his plate. Kurenai smirks.

“But would you even want to touch me if I had thick skin?” she smirks when he glowers at her. _I will never not want to touch you._ They both know it.

“You have calluses,” he shrugs, “and they haven’t stopped me.” Yuugao’s name alone should be enough. But it isn’t, and the truth is, it probably never will. Saying no to Kurenai will always require conscious effort.

“What if I wanted you to lick all my calluses?” Kurenai leans over the table, “would you do it?” She’d put her fingers in his mouth right here, right now. Raidou puts his napkin down and pretends to think.

“Depends.” He shrugs, faking disinterest. Kurenai narrows her eyes.

“On what?” she asks.

“Would I get to touch the soft bits too?” he puts a bit of egg in his mouth, thinking. Raidou is trying to calculate whether or not executing his plan is worth her wrath. He looks around the diner as Kurenai tilts her head at him.

“You can touch me all over.” She says, watching as he gets up and sits down on the bench next to her. “What is it?” she asks. Raidou smirks at her.

“I just want to be close to you,” he says in a faux-innocent tone. He looks at the rest of the diner, as he rests his hand on her thigh. Kurenai keeps still and shoves a bit of waffle into her mouth. “Is this okay?” he asks. Kurenai rubs a circle on the inside of his wrist as she swallows her waffle.

“Is that a _yes_?” he asks. He turns to look at her, and she winks, opening her legs.

Raidou is always surprised that Kurenai likes him enough to let him touch her like this, especially in a diner, where there are families and seniors and people they know milling around. He looks away from her as his hand creeps up the inside of her thigh. She closes her thighs slightly, and he opens his own legs to hide hers.

He ghosts his fingers along the inside of her thigh. She is muscled, but this part of every woman is reliably soft, and Kurenai, for once, is no exception.

“Why are you doing this?” she asks, reaching over for his plate. She moves it in front of him, so that their seating arrangement looks more intentional.

“I feel like it,” he shrugs. Raidou’s hand wanders up past the large, crescent scar, past the triangle of freckles and up to the lacey edge of her underwear. He taps his pointer against her, and he feels triumphant when he feels her twitch.

Now, Raidou isn’t interested in breaking the law, but he is willing to skirt around it, if it means he can one-up Kurenai. She is wiggling beside him, and she hums impatiently. Raidou looks over his shoulder, and they make eye contact when he pushes her panties to the side and slips a finger inside of her. She clamps her thighs around him, bumping his hand, but he stays still. Raidou turns away and reaches across the table for his coffee. Kurenai glares at him, but he ignores it. It’s hard for him to keep his hand still, but he wants to make a point.

He grins when he sees his opportunity. The door chime rings, and Raidou smiles at Kurenai. “I think I am going to call Genma and Kakashi over here.” Her mouth falls open and he pulls his hand free. He wipes it on his trousers, before holding it up and smiling.

Kurenai, shocked at the sudden emptiness, clamps her thighs together, and curses Raidou out in her head. He didn’t even have the decency to straighten out her underwear. She presses her lips together into an angry line, and glares at the freckle behind his left ear. He feels her huffing beside him, but he keeps grinning, because it means that he has won.

Genma and Kakashi slide into the booth in front of them, both flicking their eyes between Raidou’s grin and Kurenai’s frown.

“Good morning.” Kakashi says, picking up a menu.

“Isn’t it?” Raidou asks, sipping his coffee.

“Dunno. What do you think, Kurenai?” Genma drawls. Kurenai narrows her eyes and picks up her coffee.

“Women don’t _think_ , Genma,” she replies, sipping her coffee.

“Wow.” Genma says. “Raidou, what’s you do to her?” Raidou looks back at her, and she wants to scratch that triumphant look on his face.

“Settled an old score.” He swipes a soggy waffle off of Kurenai’s plate as she glares right at his carotid. Genma and Kakashi look at each other, before turning back to their respective menus. It’s not worth getting involved.

**

Kurenai sits beside Hinata, stretching her legs out on the grass while the girl hums beside her. She has taken Hinata under her wing, and that means giving her womanly advice. Not that she is qualified to or anything. She just likes the feeling of being someone’s wise older sister. Kurenai is still pissed about what Raidou did this morning, but she won’t deny that it felt really good to have his attention. It makes her feel settled. It feels like she can finally rest, when he is inside of her. She sighs, loudly, and Hinata looks up at her.

“Kurenai-sensei,” Hinata says, “what is it?” Thinking over the question, Kurenai rests on her elbows. She looks right up at the sun and crosses an ankle over the other.

“Do you know what it means for something to feel right in your soul?” she asks. Hinata frowns.

“No,” she says in a small voice. Hinata is plagued by self-doubt. She has never felt the steady thrum of rightness. Kurenai tilts her head. She gives Hinata a soft look.

“Do you want to know what it feels like?” she asks. “Because it will happen one day.” Hinata blushes.

“Really?”

“Yes.” Kurenai smiles, “it’s when everything finds its place, and you just relax because everything is where it is destined to be.” She has never felt out of place with Raidou. Even when they are having one of their petty fights.

“Does it last forever?” Hinata asks, “the feeling, that is.” Kurenai frowns. In her experience, that feeling never stays. If it did, she and Raidou wouldn’t be with other people. Not for the first time, Kurenai doubts the intensity of Raidou’s feelings for her.

You see, if he wanted her, he could have her. Easily.

She wanted to murder him when he pulled away, but she would never have followed through. She loves him too much.

“No feeling lasts forever,” she chooses her words carefully, “but it can fill you up for a very long time.” Kurenai’s feelings for Raidou are far more satisfying to have than the sex. She’s learned this, from going without for so long. Hinata nods.

“Are memories just food?” she asks, blinking. Hinata is quite clever, in her own way. Kurenai tilts her head.

“For the soul, yes.” She replies. “There are times where memories are all you have.” She frowns, thinking of her father’s favorite beer and her mother’s perfume. Raidou’s brother’s smile is another one. Perhaps, god forbid, one day, the marbled texture of Raidou’s scar.

“Oh.” Hinata says. Kurenai watches her fidget with her hands.

“Oh?” she asks, “is there a question you want to ask?” Hinata’s lips quiver, and she looks down at the ground.

“I want to help Naruto talk about Sasuke,” she says quietly. “He never talks about how Sasuke leaving makes him feel. It’s obvious he is upset, but he never…he never directly says when he’s hurt.” She looks up at Kurenai, her face bright pink. “I don’t think he’d like hearing that sometimes memories are all you end up with.” Kurenai sighs.

“No, I don’t think he’d like to hear it. No one does.” Kurenai tilts her head. “How do you feel about Sasuke leaving?” Hinata looks at her, frowning. Kurenai doubts that Hinata really thinks about Sasuke all that much.

“I don’t think he did it to hurt anyone,” she says softly. “I think he just has his own memories he wants to bury too.” Hinata pauses. “He shouldn’t have left, but people shouldn’t try to bring him back before he’s ready. He will come back and stay, but only when he’s ready to.” Hinata pushes her hair behind her ear, before picking up a dandelion.

Kurenai knows she will win her bet with Kakashi, but just for a moment, only a second, she thinks it would be nice if she was wrong.

**

They lie on a blanket, Raidou on his back and Kurenai on her stomach. It’s a sunny day, the kind that smells like hot sunscreen. It’s one of Raidou’s favorite scents. He lies back with his hands behind his head, and eyes closed. Kurenai is reading a National Geographic, swinging her legs up and down.

Kurenai hums, reading an article about how primates will pick bugs and other parasites off of each other, and then eat them. The scientific term is ‘social grooming’ and it is used to form bonds, maintain physical health and aid conflict resolution. Kurenai looks at a picture of a female baboon gently picking through the hair around a male’s ear. She has the most impossibly human expression on her face. Kurenai feels a pang in her heart.

“You know how monkeys pick bugs off of each other?” Kurenai asks. Raidou groans.

“I’m trying to sleep.” He sighs.

“Indulge me,” Kurenai says in a teasing lilt. Raidou scrunches his eyes, keeping them closed.

“I always indulge you.” He says, “you’re the most indulged person I know.” Kurenai refuses to take the bait.

“Well, it says here they do it for all kinds of reasons: health, friendship, conflict resolution, care. It’s even a precoital activity.” Kurenai smacks her lips. “Like, foreplay.” Raidou opens his eyes and turns his head to look at her.

“Your point?” he asks.

“What do you think of picking bugs off of someone, and eating said bugs, before having sex with them?” she asks. Her eyes are glimmering, and he frowns when he realizes that she is trying to enchant him. Magic isn’t fun when you realize that someone is trying to put a spell on you.

“Yuugao doesn’t have lice, so I guess I’ll never know,” he drawls. Kurenai’s forehead wrinkles. “You look like your mom when you make that face,” he says. Her jaw softens, and she reaches out to touch his hair. She smiles when she sees a blade of grass sticking out of it.

“I would pick lice out of your hair _and_ eat them,” she smiles, “like this.” She takes the blade of grass and puts it in her mouth. He watches her chew and swallow.

It occurs to him that Kurenai would let him go a whole lot further than licking her chin in public.

“Good thing neither of us have lice,” he drawls. Asuma would happily let Raidou be the object of Kurenai’s fascination with the gross reality of the human body.

“Would you do the same for me?” she asks, blinking rapidly. She is trying to bat her eyelashes, but it never quite works on her. No one would look at Kurenai and think that she is innocent to how pretty she is.

“If you asked me to,” he shrugs, “I don’t see why not.” Kurenai frowns. She was hoping for a more affirmative answer.

He doesn’t know this, but Raidou still has the power to make her feel like a big, dumb kid. Like when she was five and skinned her knee and he told her not to cry like a baby, _people break their arms you know_. He watches her wilt, before she wordlessly stands up. She bends over to pick a corner of the blanket, and he sits up.

“What are you doing?” he asks. Kurenai blinks at him.

“Picking up my blanket.” She says. He frowns.

“Why?” he asks. “We were having a nice time.”

“You were having a nice time,” she says, “at my expense.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“You can’t be serious,” he looks up at her. She narrows her eyes.

“Deadly,” she says in a frosty voice. She drops the corner of the blanket, and stands up, hands on her hips. She turns, deciding to walk away and get the blanket from him later.

But Raidou doesn’t want her to leave, and he would rather be in her shadow than alone. He leans over and grabs her foot, rubbing his thumb against the arch. He looks up as she twists around.

“What are you doing?” she hisses. He tightens his grip on her foot, and she crosses her arms. “I’m waiting.”

“I want you to stay.” He says. Kurenai shivers; he feels it in his hand, when her foot twitches. Her mouth screws up, and he knows she is on the fence. He looks around and is relieved to only see strangers around them. “Let me make it up to you.” She frowns.

“Do you even know what you are making up for?” she asks. He nods.

“C’mon. Sit down.” He grips her foot even harder. She eyes him, but after a long minute, she sits down.

He smiles at her, before scooting over to practically sit on top of her.

“Raidou!” She squeaks, as he pulls her head down, allowing him to see the top of her head. “What are you doing?”

“Checking your head for bugs,” he says a soft voice. His hands fall away from her head, and she sits up, brushing her hair out of her face. She blinks, and then smiles.

When she smiles at him, it never fails to make him think that he has done something right. Without thinking, he leans forward and, using the tip of his tongue, licks the spot right under the right corner of her mouth. She still tastes like herself: clean.

He bites his lip as he pulls away, and he sighs at himself. “Yuugao told me I couldn’t lick her in public if I wasn’t her boyfriend.” Kurenai touches his saliva, rubbing a circle so that she can absorb it. She wants him to be a part of her.

“That’s stupid.” She replies, “I’d let you lick me all over in public.” Kurenai smiles, and Raidou returns it. “It’s a problem, isn’t it?” she sighs. He nods.

“Yes, it is,” he replies. A big one.

**

Now that his team is gone, Kakashi has a lot spare time. Some days, like today, he will sit beside Asuma and they will watch Ino yell at Shikamaru. Well, ostensibly, he is there to help train Team Ten, but what ends up happening, more often than not, is Shikamaru doing something to stoke Ino’s wrath. It usually takes about an hour for them to settle down. Sometimes, Chouji will stand between Kakashi and Asuma and offer them chips. He is sick today, so it’s just Kakashi and Asuma, watching Ino kick Shikamaru across the field.

“You know, you’d think by now he would have learned to dodge it.” Kakashi drawls.

“She’d probably come up with something sneakier and infinitely more painful,” Asuma plays with his lighter. “Ino is tricky like that.”

“They do this a lot, don’t they?” Kakashi says, hands on his hips. He won’t say it, but it makes him miss Sakura and Naruto.

“They have always been like this,” Asuma grumbles, “I wish they got some better material. It’s like Shikamaru _breathes_ and Ino has a problem. I don’t get it.” He knows why Shikamaru puts up with it, but he doesn’t know why Ino doles it out. Girls have always been a mystery to him.

“Love is a big feeling for a kid to process, especially when it’s not the person she expects to have those feelings for.” Kakashi shrugs. “I mean, Kurenai did shove Raidou into a canal.” Asuma grins at that particular memory. He had a big crush on Kurenai, and was always a little jealous of Raidou, but he never wanted Kurenai to love him the way she loved Raidou.

“Kurenai and Raidou were never this bad.” Asuma says.

“Raidou let Kurenai walk all over him.” Kakashi says, “he still does.” Asuma’s jaw ticks, and he looks away from Kakashi. He is in love with Kurenai and therefore, is on Team Kurenai but some of the conversations they’ve had about Raidou and Yuugao leave a bad taste in his mouth. Sometimes, he gets the distinct impression that she doesn’t want Raidou to be happy without her. That isn’t fair. Asuma thinks Raidou deserves to be happy, and he is undeniably so with Yuugao.

“Kurenai is mercurial.” Asuma says.

“No, she isn’t,” Kakashi says, “she’s just greedy.” Asuma gives him a sideways look. “She wanted to weld herself to Raidou.” Asuma sighs. He can’t deny it.

“It used to make me jealous,” he says, “until I grew up and realized that I don’t want to live that way.” He wants a partner, not another appendage. Kurenai, for the most part, accepts that. But sometimes, he wonders if she is missing something.

“You did get the girl,” Kakashi says. Ino is still yelling at Shikamaru, standing over him with her hands on her hips. Asuma frowns. He thought he would find gratification in Kurenai, but that hasn’t been the case.

“The thing about getting the girl is that you realize that getting the girl isn’t the point.” Asuma puts his lighter in his pocket. “Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m enough for her.”

“Enough?” Kakashi asks.

“I don’t play into her dramatics.” He says, “sometimes I wonder if she needs them.” Kakashi doesn’t disagree with Asuma, but he doesn’t need anyone to reinforce his doubts. His relationship is his business, and Kakashi has no interest in getting involved. He would prefer to be a neutral bystander.

Ino isn’t yelling at Shikamaru anymore. Instead, she is helping him up. “It’s up to you if you want to stay or not,” Kakashi shrugs. Asuma nods.

“Yeah,” he says, “you’re right.” He walks over to Ino and Shikamaru, and Kakashi watches him. He wonders if he is a good friend for staying out of it, when he knows that Raidou and Kurenai have had sex behind Asuma and Yuugao’s backs. _Probably not_. Kakashi decides to stop thinking about it.

**

Yuugao has her hand on the small of Raidou’s back. He is holding the grocery basket today, and she is steering him around the store.

“You know, if we bought more in one trip, we wouldn’t have to come here so often.” He says. “We could probably save money.”

“But we would probably buy more than we actually eat,” she says, “besides, I like going to the grocery store with you.” Yuugao smiles up at him, and Raidou feels a profound sense of guilt. He shouldn’t have had sex with Kurenai, he shouldn’t have inserted a finger into her, and he _definitely_ should not have licked her in public. He has no justification for the sex, because he knew it was going to happen before Kurenai invited him to her house and he went anyway. But the fingering was to prove a point and he licked her to reassure her that their connection is still important to him.

And okay, those are all really, _really_ bad reasons. He is keenly aware that Yuugao is younger than him, and that he is only the second man she has ever known. So, he has decided to man up and live with the guilt. He will not tell Yuugao, because all it would do is hurt her, and he would only be doing it so that he could tell himself that he isn’t such a bad guy because he eventually told the truth. Relieving his psychic turmoil isn’t worth destroying Yuugao’s ability to trust.

“You know what I think would be fun?” he asks. Yuugao smiles on impulse.

“I didn’t even know the elderly could have fun.” She says, and Raidou makes a twisted face. She laughs and hugs him around his waist. “Sorry, I had to. What do you think would be fun?”

“Well, it might not be fun anymore.” He says, “I mean, do you want to be caught hanging out with an old man?” Yuugao laughs, again. Raidou smiles to himself. It makes him feel good, getting Yuugao to laugh.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She says.

“No, it’s okay.” He sighs, “I was just thinking that we could, you know, try and go out on a date tonight instead of staying in.”

“You’re the one who wants to save money by staying in.” She rubs his back as she says this, making his spine tingle.

“I won’t lie, it’s mostly because the bed is right there,” he says, “but I think it would be fun to go out tonight.” He looks down at her over his shoulder.

“So, you want to take me out on a date?” she asks.

“Yep, and I plan on paying too.”

“A free meal and we get to go outside?” she grins, “you spoil me.” Raidou shrugs.

“I’m just trying to be a good boyfriend.” He smirks, “like, a solid B+. You know, the upper end of average.” Yuugao says nothing, but she kisses his ear.

They don’t know this, but Kurenai saw everything. When she feels her gut twist, she wonders if, perhaps, this is guilt. It only takes her second to remember that guilt makes her brain buzz. Jealousy twists her guts.

**

Sometimes, Kurenai just wants to listen to sad music, and Asuma doesn’t understand. He says things like, _why do you want to make yourself sad?_ Kurenai’s only answer is that sometimes she just needs to feel things, _okay?_ Asuma will take off in the afternoon, and he won’t come back until the morning, when her feelings are sorted and put away. Asuma isn’t a messy person. He’s a no bullshit kind of guy. It makes their relationship extra amusing to her. _I’m all bullshit_ , she thinks to herself.

She lies on the couch, thinking about the way Raidou grabbed her foot on the grass. His touch is something she is used to, but it still jolts her. She rubs the arch of her foot against her calf, listening to the kind of sad person music she and Raidou would listen to. His brother would tell them that they should try and listen to something happy once and awhile. Raidou would groan and say something like _what is there to be happy about?_ His brother would respond with something like, _oh, I don’t know, the fact that Kurenai even talks to you?_ Raidou would always blush and frown, even when they were kids.

Kurenai called Raidou as soon as Asuma had left. She told him that she wanted to do one of their listening parties, like they used to do. He sighed and asked which song. Kurenai told him to come over and find out. He huffed on the phone, and said to give him twenty minutes.

It has already been twenty-five minutes, and she thinks about saying something mean to him when she hears a tap at her window and sees him, kneeling on the railing. It is mid-afternoon. It may be rainy and overcast, but people will still see him. Kurenai gets up and crosses her apartment in record time. She opens the window and he hops in, dripping wet.

“You are five minutes late.” She says. He blinks as he takes his vest off.

“You were counting?” Raidou is used to being the one who cares about the time. Kurenai walks over and takes his wet vest, hanging it up by her door.

“I missed you.” She sniffs.

“You really are in a mood.” His hands on his hips, he watches her as she walks over to the couch.

“You know how I am.” She says, “I’m moody.” Raidou tilts his head.

“Who told you that?”

“You don’t agree?” Kurenai blinks. Asuma makes observations of her character, and she is used to simply accepting them.

“Everyone has moods. I would say you have an even disposition.” Raidou walks over to sit by her. “You’re a kind person.” He looks over at her. She smiles at him.

One of the reasons she likes Raidou is that he is able to see inside of her. Not everyone can do that, and furthermore, not everyone can do that and still like her.

“I’m glad that you came over.”

“Even after I grabbed your foot?” Raidou asks. He and Kurenai were really making progress on the whole friends thing. But since he touched her last, they had been avoiding each other. He had actually been thinking of her when she called him. Kurenai gets up and walks over to their music collection.

“Yes, even after you grabbed my foot.” She says quietly. Raidou watches her from the couch, and he gets the familiar itch in his stomach. _No_ , he thinks _, I am not going to think about how she looks naked_. So he looks up at the water spots on the ceiling so that he doesn’t have to look at her.

“What do you want to listen to?” he asks.

“I’m thinking of Stevie.” Kurenai says, “her voice has been in my head.”

“Witchy,” he remarks.

“Will you hate me if I play a song from _Rumors_?” Kurenai asks, not looking at him.

“Just one song?” Raidou raises an eyebrow, suspicious. Kurenai bites her lip and looks at him.

“I want to listen to “Silver Springs”, I have for the past ten minutes.” Kurenai lies; she has wanted to listen to it for the last hour, but she knows that Raidou would do the math and probably walk out the door. If he knew what was good for him. But he grabbed her foot, so she thinks that may not be the case.

“Fine.” He sighs, “play the song.”

“Really?” Kurenai’s voice brightens. He rolls his eyes at the flip his stomach does.

“Yes, really and truly, you can play that song.” He smiles at her, and Kurenai puts it on.

Raidou looks back up at the water marks. The song is from the perspective of a woman cursing the man she loved to never forget her voice. He likes the song, but there is something deeply ironic about the fact that the woman who drop kicked his heart invited him over to listen to a song about a woman cursing her ex-lover to _never_ _get away from the sound of the woman that loved you_. There is no way that he will ever forget Kurenai’s voice. He is pretty sure that he will hallucinate her voice right before he dies. He loves her that much, still.

Kurenai plops on the couch beside him. She looks at his profile. She is sitting on the side that is unmarred. “Raidou?” she asks. He grunts in response. “Why are you here?” Kurenai blinks at him. Raidou exhales, and turns to look at her.

“Because you asked me to come.” He smiles. “It’s as simple as that.” Kurenai nods. _Time cast a spell on you, but you won’t forget me_. He wants to laugh, because it is true. No matter how much time is between them, he will never get away from her.

He puts his hand out and touches her knee. Kurenai looks at him, and she thinks about how she ought to move away, or ask him to stop. That she will have to remember all the reasons that she has to be a good person now. She wants to set a good example for her genin, she is in love with Asuma, her life is finally moving in the direction she wants it to. But at the same time, she wants Raidou. Probably always will. It is profoundly sad that they won’t end up together in this life time.

“Asuma left because I am sad.” Kurenai says.

“I have a feeling that isn’t the whole truth, Kurenai.” Raidou hates himself, but he moves to be closer to her. Kurenai takes his hand, and as she lies down on the couch, she pulls him over her. _Yep_ , he thinks, _Asuma definitely didn’t leave because she was just sad_.

He hovers over her, like he did at twenty-two. Her leg wraps around his waist, and he runs his hand along the back of her thigh, knowing that it makes her tingle. _Does Asuma know this about you?_ Raidou frequently wonders what secrets of Yuugao did Hayate take to the grave. That’s the thing when you come after someone’s first. They will never open up to you the way that they did for the previous person. With each heartbreak, your capacity to open up diminishes, until it is nothing. At least, that’s Raidou’s perspective. He has had a few girlfriends, but only one heartbreak; he knows he will never be the same.

Which may be why he so easily returns to Kurenai. He gets a chance to be the person he once was, before he let her rip his heart out of chest.

“You want to know why I’m sad?” she asks.

“A why would be helpful.” He murmurs, his mouth hovering above hers.

“I woke up sad, and wanted to feel even sadder by listening to sad music, because you are you and I am me and I don’t know how we could ever be anyone else to each other.” Kurenai runs her pointer along his scar. Raidou closes his eyes. He has thought of this question a million times, but she phrased it with a clarity he has not yet attained.

“We will never know how to be different.” He mumbles. Kurenai nods, and she kisses him softly. She keeps kissing him until he finally responds. She knew that he would never resist her. You can’t go against the fabric of your soul, no matter how much you may want to.

Kurenai’s hands move to his stomach, as she puts her hands up his damp shirt. Raidou nips her lower lip, before he pulls away to undress. They both know where this is going, so Kurenai shrugs off her slip dress, and throws her underwear across the room as Raidou steps out of his pants.

He lies back down over her, his skin cold and damp from his clothes. She presses herself closer to heat him up. Raidou doesn’t think of Yuugao. He consciously puts her away in a box, the way he puts aside all thoughts of love or family when he is sent out on a hit. Kurenai’s teeth on his throat, just teasing, and he sighs.

“You can’t leave a mark.” He groans. For those words alone, she almost did what he told her not to do. Almost.

Raidou runs his hand down between them, trying to keep his balance. He is a lot of things, but he is not a tease, and when his fingers are against her, Kurenai swears. They make out as he warms her up, but he can tell already that one hand won’t be enough. That’s the thing with nine years; you can just tell when something will or won’t work.

He plants open kisses on her throat, her collarbones, her face. Everywhere. Innocent and chaste kisses, perverted and eroticized. Kurenai pants, the back of her knees sweating and a familiar buzzing that hums in her spine and the soles of her feet but lives in her belly. She pushes her pelvis onto his hand, but there just isn’t a way for him to touch her everywhere the she wants him to. She growls, frustrated.

“Kurenai,” Raidou murmurs, “you need to help me out.” Kurenai bites her lip.

“How?” she asks. Raidou kisses her jaw, and she gasps.

“I only have one hand like this,” he says, “you need to touch yourself too.” Raidou looks into her eyes, and she melts further against him. He just has this way with words that he does not appreciate.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Touch yourself.” He says, “I can’t be everywhere I need to be for you to get off.” He presses a circle into her, and she bites back a moan.

“Where?” she asks. Raidou grins.

“Which do you want: inside or outside?” Raidou kisses the side of her neck. Kurenai says nothing in response. She simply slips her hand down and two fingers in, while Raidou starts moving faster. She matches him, and he pants into the base of her throat, like by touching her, they were also touching him.

It builds and builds and suddenly the buzzing is everywhere, whirring in her head and in her stomach. She arches her back and closes her eyes and moans while he kisses her jaw, her earlobe. _Fuck_ , she thinks as she clamps around herself. On her exhale, she lies back while Raidou looks at her, searching her face.

“Thanks,” she says. He smiles.

“You helped.” He kisses her lower lip. Kurenai smiles and kisses him back. She runs both her hands up his sides as she splits herself apart to welcome him in.

Sex with Raidou still feels the same. It’s as epic and fulfilling as it always has been. She feels like the only woman to have ever existed, when she is with him. She wonders if the other women he has been with feel this way as well.

She likes to think that the way he stares into her eyes, hungry and wild and alive, is just for her. They look at each other with bloodlust. They want to devour each other, an impossible goal that sex between them hinges upon. No one ever wins. It wouldn’t feel the same, if one of them finally did.

Raidou pants above her. He feels infinitely more confident when he is inside Kurenai. They both know that when he is in her, she can’t act like they have never done this before. It brings her to her knees. What makes it worse, or better, depending on your outlook, is that she surrenders every time, willingly. A funny thought passes through Raidou’s mind, and he smiles wickedly.

“Do you know what your kink is?” he asks. Kurenai moans in response. “Your kink is ruining our lives.” She goes to protest but he thrusts a little too hard. Her complain face mixes with her pain face mixes with her fuck face and Raidou kisses her chin so he doesn’t laugh.

“You’re the one having sex with me!” She pants, “it’s your kink too.” Raidou smiles at her wolfishly.

“No, I just oblige.” He grunts, “I think we would have very a happy life together, don’t you agree?” he thrusts for emphasis, and Kurenai glares at him as she moans. Raidou does it again, repeating himself, “don’t you agree?” Kurenai’s eyelids flutter, so he does it again, and again, and for a second, he worries that he won’t be able to do it, but in the last few seconds before he throws them off the metaphorical cliff, she admits the truth.

She breathes her “yes” into his mouth and he buries himself in her, hiding his face in the crook of her neck. She keeps whispering _yes_ into his ear, their bodies sweating as they cling to each other. Those yeses mean nothing and everything. They are real. But they won’t change anything. Raidou turns to look her in the eyes, and as she says her last “yes”, he watches the tears form in the corners of her eyes, and her lower lip trembles.

He can admit that he wanted to wound her pride, but he didn’t want her to cry. He rubs her temple as big, fat tears start falling down her face. He kisses her all over her face, and she starts crying harder. “Are you okay?” he murmurs, “did I hurt you?” Kurenai shakes her head.

“No, I’m being a baby.” She replies, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I just remembered why I’m so sad.”

“Why?” Raidou asks.

“I wanted to feel sad because I’m still in love with you.” She whispers, as if saying it quietly makes it any less true. Raidou bites his tongue, and she gives him a sad look. “You’re still in love with me too, aren’t you?”

“Please don’t cry,” he murmurs, “would it be better if I leave?” he asks. He is still buried inside her, something he only remembers as his thumb rubs her forehead. Kurenai sighs.

“No. Please stay.” She sighs. “You should stay here tonight. Asuma doesn’t have a key, and he won’t want to come back until morning.” Kurenai kisses his chin. As she looks up into his face, she sees him frowning.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. Raidou looks her right in the eye, because someone you are about to hurt deserves to be seen as a human being.

“I can’t. Yuugao and I have plans.” He bites his lip as he hears her cry out, and he sits up, pulling her with him so she can sit on his lap while he holds her _. I’m sorry_ , he mutters into her shoulder, _I’m so, so sorry_. With each sob, he promises himself that he won’t make her cry like this again.

On the other hand—if he felt the same about Yuugao, he wouldn’t have come here in the first place.

**

_It’s rare, the days that they are all able to go to the beach. Raidou and Genma drove up with Kurenai, Anko and Shizune wedged in the backseat. Asuma, who was visiting his family before heading back out on his ‘journey of self-discovery’ as Anko put it, was driving Guy, Aoba and Kakashi up separately._

_It is a weekday morning, so the beach is quiet. It is already quite hot. Genma and Raidou are already in the water. Shizune and Anko are lying down on their blankets, while Kurenai sits up, legs crossed, on the blanket between them. Raidou stands waist-high in the water, yelling at Genma to just come in, stop being a baby, they are in a fucking lake, there are no sharks here._

_Anko rubs sunscreen onto her skin. “Raidou is so bossy.” She rubs furious circles into her arm._

_“He is authoritative.” Shizune says, “it’s kind of attractive.”_

_“You like being told what to do.” Anko says, “it’s your kink.”_

_“Aw, Raidou is everyone’s kink, isn’t that right Kurenai?” Shizune says. Kurenai, who had been staring at him the whole time, flushes pink and looks away._

_“How many years has it been?” Anko asks._

_“Four.” Kurenai says under her breath._

_“Four years and you still stare at him like you did when you were eleven.” Anko laughs, “how has he kept your attention?”_

_“My attention?” Kurenai asks, confused._

_“Like you haven’t noticed that Asuma is different.” Anko says, “even Kakashi, and we haven’t seen his face.”_

_“Oh,” Kurenai digs her heel into the sand. “I just haven’t been looking.”_

_“We know.” Shizune says. Gossiping with Kurenai isn’t fun. All she does is fuck Raidou and bicker with Genma._

_“Sorry,” Kurenai sighs, “it’s just that Raidou is such a…man, you know?” Raidou splashes Genma with water, which makes Genma yelp._

_Out of everyone in their class, Raidou was the first to grow taller than the girls, the first to develop broad shoulders. He had a deeper voice, and he was always the strong, silent type. He is a trained swordsman. He was always slightly ahead of the other guys, and Kurenai only ever looked at him._

_“We have eyes too.” Shizune says, turning to look over her shoulder. Guy is running towards them, waving his arms, while Asuma and Aoba grumble, carrying towels and a cooler. Kakashi walks behind, reading his book. He is shirtless, but he still has a mask on. No one is surprised._

_Shizune turns to tell Kurenai that their friends are here, but Kurenai is already up and walking away. She wears a little red swimsuit, and she calls to Raidou. She sways her hips a little more, and she stands up straighter. Shizune turns back, and it is obvious that Kurenai has everyone but Raidou’s attention. He is too busy yelling at Genma for being a coward._

_The funny thing about her and Raidou is that while she notices him, and it is obvious in the way she acts around him, he doesn’t look at her with the same hunger as the other men around them. Rather, he looks at her with a genuine warmth and affection that suggests that he cares a lot more about who she is, than how she looks. It’s something Anko and Shizune have noticed. Given the choice, they would prefer for men to look at them the way Raidou looks at Kurenai, than the way the other guys look at her._

_Asuma drops the cooler and thumps down onto the towel Kurenai had been sitting on. Shizune says nothing, but she thinks that is probably the closest Asuma will get to Kurenai’s body._

_“Hi,” Asuma’s voice is terse. He is talking to Shizune and Anko, but he is looking at Kurenai._

_“The prodigal son returns.” Anko says. Aoba plops down behind her. Kakashi sits down behind Shizune, while Guy stays standing up, hands on his hips._

_“What were you talking about?” Guy asks. Shizune and Anko look at each other, before the latter smirks._

_“About how Raidou is a man.” She says in a teasing voice._

_“What does that mean?” Aoba asks, poking her curse mark with a hand he stuck in the cooler. She yelps, and glares._

_Kurenai walks into the water. Genma is getting out as she is getting in. He smiles as she ignores his “yo,” and she makes a shallow dive, swimming out to where Raidou stands in the water. He is chest deep._

_“You should stop making fun of Genma,” she says, “he’ll never come back into the water.”_

_“I’m trying to make him a man, Kurenai.” Raidou smiles. Kurenai rolls her eyes, treading water in front of him._

_“You should stop trying to get him to change.” She says, “he’s fine as is.”_

_“My brother did this to me, and I turned out fine.” Raidou says. Kurenai smiles._

_“Genma isn’t your brother.” She reaches her hand out to touch his cheek._

_“You’re right,” Raidou says, “he’s not.” He pauses, looking into her eyes. “Take a deep breath.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Just do it quickly.” Kurenai takes in a deep breath, and as soon as her mouth is closed, Raidou grabs her by the waist and dunks them both in._

_Genma reaches the towels just as they splash into the water. He turns around and smirks at the water, which still ripples from where they pulled each other under. Genma turns around, and smiles. Kakashi is reading his book while Asuma glowers at the lake._

_“What were you talking about?” Genma asks._

_“I was just going to tell them about what Shizune, Kurenai and I mean when we call Raidou a man.” Anko says in a faux-innocent tone. Genma snorts._

_“Oh, do share.”_

_“I’m genuinely curious,” Guy says. Genma blinks at him._

_“You know whatever they are about to say only applies to Raidou, right?” Genma says, “when they think of man, they don’t think of people their own age.”_

_“It’s only four years!” Shizune says._

_“He was able to form full sentences and memories when our parents hadn’t even forgotten to use protection.” Genma says. Aoba snickers._

_“Whatever,” Anko says, “as I was about to say, Raidou is a man in the sense that you want to cry on his shoulders and taste the salt on his upper lip and for him to bend you over and pull your hair while he fucks you. Shizune, did I forget anything?” Anko asks. Shizune smirks._

_“Don’t forget put a baby in you and be your protector.” Shizune and Anko sit back and look at the reactions of the men around them._

_All but Genma have frozen. He whistles, while Aoba and Guy both make a choking noise. Kakashi’s eyes are wide and he sits up straight. Asuma has a sour look on his face._

_“That is graphic.” Kakashi says._

_“Is that not in Jiraiya’s books?” Shizune asks. Anko snorts._

_“Those books don’t include the feminine perspective at all.” Anko says, “I hope you don’t think that’s how girls really are.” Kakashi narrows his eyes and mutters, closing his book._

_“We’re not saying you aren’t special or attractive. We’re just explaining Raidou’s appeal. He is a man, in the basest sense. You’ll know what it is like for a woman to look at you like that one day.” Shizune nudges Kakashi off of her towel, so she can lie back._

_“Or maybe you won’t.” Anko snickers. Genma, the only one not put out by this revelation into the female psyche, shrugs._

_“I don’t know if I want someone to hang off me like Kurenai does with him.” He says, opening the cooler. “She’s heavier than she looks.”_

_“How would you know, Genma?” Anko asks. He rolls his eyes._

_“Guess who had to carry her home from the bar when Raidou was on a mission last week.” Genma takes out a beer. He passes it to Aoba, who opens it with his teeth._

_Kurenai rushes up to the surface, splashing, shaking out her hair. Raidou comes up behind, taking a hold of her waist. She didn’t enjoy being dunked underwater, but she does like it when he holds her._

_“What was that for?” she asks, breathless._

_“Oh, you know,” Raidou says, “I like it when you’re wet.”_

_“Gross.” She smiles at him. He grins back. Kurenai blinks, and then leans in to kiss him. He hums, until she tries to deepen the kiss._

_“I’m not making out in front of our friends, Kurenai.” Raidou pulls away, letting her go. The water is extra cold where their skin had been in contact._

_“Why?” Kurenai’s voice is breathy. “You got me wet and breathless in front of them.” Raidou rolls his eyes and stalks right up to her._

_“You wish.” He says, “don’t think I am unaware of your exhibitionist streak.” He smirks at her, and she rubs her thighs together. Kurenai wraps herself around his waist._

_“You like it too,” she says. Raidou snorts._

_“If you don’t let me go, I’ll stick my thumb into your side like I did when we were kids.” He warns. Kurenai likes him so much, she will take anything, even if it hurts a little._

_“Okay.”_

_“I’m serious, I won’t hold back.”_

_“I never ask you to hold back.” She blinks innocently. Raidou sighs._

_“You are truly evil.” He replies._

_“Go ahead. Don’t hesitate.” She says. He does, and she yelps, letting him go. His dig is sharp and hard. She can tell that he will leave a bruise._

_She swims after him, and he waits for her when the water is knee high. “That hurt.” She said, “none of the other guys would do that to me.” She pouts._

_“You asked for it, and Genma would.” Raidou says, lifting her arm to look at her side. It’ll be the size of a coin, when it purples._

_“Genma doesn’t count.”_

_“Why?” Raidou lowers her arm, looking into her eyes. She bites her lip._

_“He doesn’t want me.” She says softly. Raidou smiles._

_“And all the other guys want you?” Raidou asks._

_“At least, they wouldn’t say no.” She replies. Raidou places his palm over the spot._

_“They’re not me.” He says._

_“There can only be one Raidou.” Kurenai places her hand over his, and presses it into her side._

_“I’ll kiss is when we get home,” he says quietly._

_“Just kiss it?” she asks, smirking. Raidou rolls his eyes._

_“Fine, I’ll make out with it. Deal?” he starts walking towards the blankets, and she wraps a hand around his wrist, holding on as he guides them out of the shallows._

**

Much like their mentors Tsunade and Orochimaru, Shizune and Anko both have large appetites. Kurenai thinks this as they both down their third cup of sake, while Kurenai is still on her first. Raidou is across the bar with Genma and Kakashi. She waved at them when she walked in, trying to act unbothered by his presence. Raidou’s eyes lingered on her, and she can tell that he is worried about her. _Well, I did cry all over him yesterday_.

They haven’t spoken since she crumpled in his arms like a little baby. He ended up putting her to bed, and she cried while watching sad movies. When Asuma came by to see her this morning, she told him that she was still sad, could he come again tomorrow? He had frowned, since he had to go out on a mission in a few hours.

Now, here she is, out at a bar with Shizune and Anko, trying not to be sad. She sits so that she can see Raidou, who is laughing at something Genma said. She smiles to herself. Shizune takes a peek over her shoulder and grins when she sees why Kurenai is smiling.

“You still look at Raidou,” Shizune says. Kurenai presses her lips into a line while Anko laughs.

“He’s cute,” Anko replies, “I mean, Shizune, you ought to know. You left the bar with him once or twice, before he firmed things up with Yuugao.” Shizune and Anko, both tipsy, giggle. Kurenai tries not to puke.

 _He’s not mine_ , Kurenai thinks, _he’s not mine_. But at the same time, she feels her stomach bubble and she is very tempted to march over to where he is sitting and pour his beer on his head. “Oh,” Kurenai says, “how was it?” Shizune blushes.

“Fun.” She says, suddenly bashful. Kurenai raises an eyebrow, and Anko stops laughing.

“He’s a little more than fun.” Kurenai smirks, “he once made me come so hard that it took me a minute to remember my name.” She grins, and Shizune and Anko relax, glad that this is taking a light-hearted turn.

“He is great with his hands,” Shizune says, and Kurenai feels a piece of her heart break. Anko starts asking Shizune questions, and while they are distracted, Kurenai watches Raidou.

She sees him stand up, and walk out the bar with Genma and Kakashi. Without thinking, she stands up too and throws some money down for her drink, not even saying goodbye. She weaves her way through the crowd and out the door, looking each way before she sees the three of them up the street. Genma is buying a bag of chips from a vending machine, and Raidou is laughing at something Kakashi says.

Kurenai walks up towards them, and they all look at her with concern before they see her clenched jaw and narrow eyes. Genma shakes his head and laughs, bending over to retrieve his chips, while Kakashi blinks. Raidou gives her a hard look, and steps out to meet her. Kakashi and Genma hold back, deciding to watch what happens.

“Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” Kurenai shouts, and Raidou scratches his head, trying to figure out what he did wrong. Genma pops his bag of chips open, and offers one to Kakashi. He waves his hand and Genma shrugs, putting a chip in his mouth.

“Find out about what?” Raidou asks. Kurenai glares.

“Shizune.” She says. Genma whistles and Kakashi nods.

“Huh, Shizune.” Kakashi drawls, “she’s pretty.” Kurenai narrows her eyes at him, while Raidou groans into his hands. He really doesn’t need this right now.

“It was just sex,” he replies. Raidou has no clue as to why she is even upset.

“Are you not going to mention Asuma?” Genma asks, popping another chip in his mouth. Kurenai chooses to ignore him and crosses her arms. She is in the mood to be angry. Maybe it will take away the sadness.

“Does Yuugao know?” Kurenai asks. Raidou blinks.

“You care about Yuugao?” he asks. Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“Don’t evade the question.” She says. Raidou tilts his head to the side.

“I slept with Shizune before we became serious,” Raidou replies. Kurenai gives him a vicious look. She had been hoping for a reason to be furious with him.

“Why are you answering the question as if you owe her a response?” Genma asks. “You’re letting her terrorize you.”

“That’s not true!” Kurenai stomps her foot. She hates it when men look at her like she is crazy.

“Kurenai,” Raidou says, “this all seems like an overreaction. You’re not my girlfriend.”

“No, I am just a concerned citizen.” She replies tartly. Raidou snorts and Genma rolls his eyes.

“I think you are looking to be wronged,” Kakashi says, “which is funny, because you’re the one who left him and decided to fall in love with a mutual friend.”

“Which, in my _humble_ opinion,” Genma says, “is worse than sleeping with a mutual friend. But feel free to disregard my thoughts on the matter.” He puts another chip in his mouth as Kakashi nods.

Genma and Kakashi have never had a humble opinion in their lives. Kurenai, now thoroughly irritated, turns to Raidou. “Do you agree?” she asks. He sighs.

“You’re with Asuma now,” he says, “I didn’t sleep with Shizune before we stopped seeing each other.” From the expression on her face, he can tell that he said the wrong thing.

“I can’t stop seeing you,” Kurenai huffs, “it’s like you are everywhere!” She waves her hands and leans into him for emphasis. Raidou takes a step back, frowning. “I can’t get away from you, no matter what I do!” He sighs, trying to keep his cool. As long as he doesn’t freak out, he maintains the emotional upper hand.

“I’m sorry.” Genma’s eyes bug out of his head and Kakashi groans, but Raidou ignores them. He knows the best way to calm Kurenai down is to give her what she wants.

“I don’t want an apology.” She says.

“Well, what do you want then?” Raidou allows himself to show some annoyance.

“I want to know why.” Kurenai says.

“Why?” Raidou asks. She stares right into his soul, and he doesn’t flinch. She is the only person who can stand up to his gaze.

“Why?” Kakashi echoes. Genma looks into his bag of chips, not bothering to look up.

“This would be a good time for you to tell Kurenai that she can go fuck herself.” Genma says, licking chip dust off his fingers. “Sorry Kurenai.”

“Is that how you feel?” Kurenai asks. Raidou blinks and rubs his face. “Well?”

“When have I ever said something like that to you?” Raidou asks. Kurenai’s face twists, and for a second, she sees herself. She doesn’t like who she has become. This isn’t her. So she huffs, and turns away, walking in the opposite direction.

Raidou glares at Genma and Kakashi, before he takes off at a brisk pace. He doesn’t even acknowledge Genma’s _see you later_. He swore to never make Kurenai cry again, and he takes his promises seriously. He grabs her wrist and pulls them into an alley. She doesn’t resist him. He can tell that she wanted him to catch her. She pushes up against him, looking into his eyes. He lets go of her wrist, but she doesn’t back off.

“You slept with me twice,” Kurenai says.

“I remember.” He says. Her eyes are big and red, and he hopes she doesn’t cry.

“I mean, _Shizune_? _Her_?” Kurenai says, “I didn’t think you even noticed her.” Raidou’s mouth is set in a line. He isn’t going to justify himself to Kurenai, especially when Shizune never did anything wrong.

“I could say the same about Asuma.” He says. Kurenai narrows her eyes, and there is a tug on her heart as she remembers him.

“I hate you,” she says quietly. Raidou sighs. In all honesty, it would be easier if they did hate each other. _But hate is simply the flipside of love_ , his brother would say, _indifference is its real opposite_. “No, you don’t hate me.” Raidou replies. Kurenai’s lower lip quivers.

“You’re right,” she says, “it is actually the opposite.” And there is the rub.

They eye each other for a minute, and Raidou feels himself not breathing. “If one of us doesn’t move,” he says softly, “we are going to do something stupid.”

“Like what?” Kurenai presses herself closer to him. Raidou looks down at her pretty mouth, and puts a hand on her cheek.

“I am going to kiss you,” he says quietly, searching her face. It softens, and she relaxes, her anger melting away.

“Do it,” she whispers, “please.” She wants to kiss him again and again. _I could tell you to go fuck yourself_ , he thinks. But it’s not how he feels. He can’t commit to rejecting Kurenai.

He moves forward and does as she says.

**

It has been months since she was last in Raidou’s room. If asked, she thinks it must have been from before Asuma. It hasn’t changed. The duvet is still a faded crimson, and he is as neat as ever. Kurenai lies under him, her hand up his shirt as he sighs into her mouth. She likes being on top of Asuma, but she loves being under Raidou. He just fits right. There are dips and swells and proud flesh on his abdomen, from muscles and fat and scars.

Kurenai wonders if she will go to hell for liking Raidou so much more in bed. Asuma is a better fit for her, in every way. But Raidou—he just knows her so well. She kisses his lower lip as he slips a hand up her skirt. Kurenai wants him to touch her everywhere, all at once.

She knows he might make her cry again, but you can’t have joy without knowing pain. Raidou takes her between those two extremes with little, if any, effort. It’s the in-between where he struggles. The last few months have been brutal, in the sense that they lost all the emotions between happiness and anguish. If there is anything that she would like to recover, it would be the small things, the banalities, that would constitute their time together.

Her hands move over his sides as he moves her panties to the side. Raidou supposes he could take them off, but he wants to touch her now. More than anything, he wants them to have the kind of sex they used to have, free from anger, resentment and desperation. The last two times they were together felt like they were grieving. Raidou doesn’t want that. Tonight, he wants softness. He wants to look into her eyes and chew on her ear and feel whole again.

Is he rewarding her shitty behavior? Yes. But as he pants along her jaw and moves his fingers against her, he can only think about how much he wants her. It’s bad, all the things he will let Kurenai do to him, even worse that she can do those things and he will still go back for more. Their relationship is undeniably toxic, and they will have to talk about it eventually. But they are getting along right now, so he moves forward when she parts her thighs and he kisses the soft shell within her collarbone.

Kurenai moves on his hand, and she sighs. “I love you,” she hums, and Raidou moves to hover his face over hers. His eyes search hers for the lie, but it’s all still there: care, tenderness and _love_. They told each other that they were still in love, but neither said that little incantation, those three words that everyone uses but mean so much when they come from the right person. His eyes search hers, looking for any uncertainty, doubt, fear. Anything other than the obvious to explain why she said those words to him. “Raidou,” she says softly, “I love you.” He blinks down at her. Yuugao has told him that he is lovable, but he doesn’t really believe it until Kurenai makes it true.

“I love you too, Kurenai,” he says softly, like the words are so fragile that saying them too fast could crack them. She puts a hand on his cheek and looks into his eyes. She smiles big, and something in him soars.

She prefers it when he touches the place around her clit rather than him touch it directly. He traces the circle at a firm, steady pace. He is always careful not to pinch her. Raidou has been here so many times that it takes no effort. Kissing along her jaw, he thinks about how easy it is for her to make him feel like he is flying. She clamps around his hand and makes a high-pitched noise, and he smiles.

“I’m hot,” she sighs. “I want to be naked.”

“I need to move my hand to do that,” he replies. She frowns.

“Raidou,” she pouts. He shrugs with a smile. If she weren’t so in love, Kurenai would hate every single tooth in his mouth, and his little pink tongue.

“What?” he asks.

“You know what,” she huffs. He laughs to himself, dropping his forehead to her breastbone while moving his hand faster. Raidou never has to dig into Kurenai. With her, everything sits just under the surface. It’s something that few know about her.

Raidou has always thought the deepest, most devastating truths are the ones that are self-evident. Corny truisms, trite and insipid and boring are where all the deep truths hide. _You are who you are_. _It is what it is_. _There is always tomorrow._ Kurenai always understood this. Her appreciation of the deep truths that hide in the shallows made her a genjutsu master. _It’s like doing a magic trick while showing the audience how it’s done_ , she always says. Kurenai never lies, not really. She always shows the truth, you just have to recognize it as such.

She arches her back as he slides a finger in, and when he moves his hand up, the heel rubbing against her, she finally exhales. All the tension melts, and her whole body relaxes, like she can breathe again. Raidou slumps against her, breathing through his open mouth. His hot breath feels nice against her skin.

“Let’s get naked,” she murmurs, and she feels rather than hears him laugh.

“Okay,” he says, sitting up. She sits up, watching him stand up. It always surprises her how tall he actually is.

Raidou pulls his shirt up, over his head and tosses it onto his desk. She watches him unzip his pants. She tilts her head to the side.

“Am I supposed to be the only naked one?” he asks. Kurenai smirks.

“I’m okay with that,” she says, standing up. She pulls her shirt off, then her skirt. As she unclasps her bra, Raidou walks over to her. He hooks his fingers and pulls down, dragging the green lace down to her ankles. She places her palms on his shoulders as he kneels on the ground before her. Not for balance, but because she wants to feel him under her hands.

He has nice shoulders. They are one of his most attractive features. She steps out of her underwear, and Raidou tosses it to the side. He looks up at her, his hands on the back of her thighs. Kurenai thinks about his mouth whenever she looks at her kitchen countertop. She widens her stance, and Raidou nods.

“May I give you head?” he asks. Kurenai hums.

“You can do whatever you want to me,” she says, with complete sincerity.

“That’s not true,” he replies. She frowns, running her fingers through his hair.

“Yes, it is,” she murmurs, sighing as he slips a finger inside of her. “You don’t even need to ask permission.”

“The door is always open?” he asks. Kurenai nods.

“To you, yes.” She will always open her legs to him. _The truth will set you free_. Actually, the truth has only ever pinned her down.

Raidou stretches up and fits his mouth against her, and Kurenai cracks herself open. Not for the first time, it breaks her heart that they won’t be together in this life. Their separation is cruel, and it feels like destiny. Genma tells her that she and Raidou need to get it together, that it is stupid to believe that destiny wants to torture them, and she always replies that Asuma and Yuugao are what getting it together looks like. _Someone we can have lives with_ , she says. Genma snorted and replied: _sounds like resignation_.

Kurenai looks up at the ceiling, tilting her pelvis down into Raidou’s mouth. How many times has she counted the cracks while he is inside her, making her feel things? Too many times to count. She closes her eyes and thinks about how nice it feels to be with him. _You’re my home_ , she thinks, _your mouth, your heart; they are where I live_. She makes a soft “aaah,” like she is at the doctor’s office.

She sounds like a baby bird. It makes Raidou smile against her. Then he continues, and she keeps making that noise. He wants to force her to be born again, to be responsible for her rebirth. Raidou doesn’t think about the kind of person Asuma is in bed, but he is certain that he could never fuck someone into feeling like they have been born again. Asuma is a very basic person.

Kurenai runs her hands through his hair and bends at the waist, moaning softly. “Raid _ou_ ,” she groans, and he holds onto the back of her thigh with one hand while the other is up by his chin, keeping her apart and open for him. She can’t scratch him anymore, so she thumps him with the heel of her hand. Once, twice. He only pushes into her. Kurenai sighs, cupping the back of his head with her palm.

The backs of her legs, her tailbone, her whole spine really, all tingle and it’s like a white-hot bolt of lightning shoots up from her core, and she holds Raidou to her, begging for more, _please, please take more of me_ , a few pants: _I feel like new_. He likes when her body clenches around him. It makes him feel that, on a cellular level, she never wants to be apart from him. He pulls back and breathes against her, as her hips open and she uses his shoulders to push herself back up into a standing position.

“Fuck,” she says. Raidou wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Sorry,” he murmurs. She shakes out her legs and hips. It’s how he can tell that there are aftershocks still buzzing around in her.

“Don’t apologize,” she whispers.

Kurenai offers him her hand, and she helps him get to his feet. They stand in front of each other, and she looks up at him, at the bit of her still on his lips. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she kisses him, and she opens his mouth with the tip of her tongue. Raidou puts a hand on her cheek. At first, she thinks he is going to try and control her. She soon realizes that all he wants to do it encourage her. _Deeper_ , he asks, _deeper_. If she could, she would crawl into the back of his throat.

When she pulls away, she sees the way his eyelids sit at half shut, and she feels warm at how impossibly beautiful he is.

“You’re so pretty,” she mutters. Raidou laughs.

“Kurenai, we both know I’m ugly.” It’s how he feels on the inside, right next to unlovable. Kurenai frowns at him.

“You are the most beautiful person I have never met.” She says. Kurenai isn’t lying. Raidou has a face you can never forget. He sighs and presses his forehead to hers.

“Okay,” he replies.

“Okay?” she asks. The corner of his mouth turns up.

“Just okay.” He murmurs.

“Like reluctant acceptance?” she asks.

“Something like that,” he looks over at the bed. “how do you want to do this?” Kurenai puffs her cheeks thinking.

“I want to be under you,” she says. Raidou snorts.

“You are always under me,” he drawls. She frowns.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asks. He shrugs.

“Just an observation,” he says, as she begins to pull him over to the bed.

Despite being so small, she manages to pull him down with her and he grunts, catching himself in time.

“Did you want me to squish you?” he asks. Kurenai smirks.

“I’m tougher than I look,” she says. Raidou pauses above her, looking into her eyes. “What?” she asks. Raidou leans down and kisses her. All she can do is sigh. He eventually pulls away, and he smirks when he sees that she is looking for a response.

“You’re just the prettiest girl I have ever seen,” he whispers, “and the bravest, and strongest, and smartest, I mean, you’re really just my personal favorite.” Being a man of few words, Raidou isn’t one to heap on the compliments. It makes Kurenai want to clutch them all to her chest and swallow them one by one so that, when they become a part of her, she could actually be all of those things.

But _my personal favorite_ —that makes her belly flip flop. She wants to be his favorite forever. He will always be hers. Kurenai wraps her legs around his waist.

“You’re my favorite too,” she says softly. She kisses his collarbone, a gesture of submission. _Do whatever you want_. Raidou sighs.

“I love you,” he says again. She smiles against his skin, and he can feel her front teeth against his clavicle.

“I love you too,” she says, wrapping her arms around his waist. He gets up and aligns himself with her. He looks up at her smiling face, and he feels a deep sense of calm. There is no anger or resentment here. It’s like old times.

“No condom?” he asks. Kurenai shakes her head. They never really relied on condoms before. He and Kurenai would just go halfsies on her birth control pills. He has an extra twenty dollars each month that he doesn’t know what to do with. In twelve months, he will have saved enough money to buy a _lot_ of beer. Like, he, Aoba, Genma and Kakashi could all get plastered on the amount of beer he could by. Aoba would love for Raidou to throw a _Look at all this beer I bought because I’m not fucking Kurenai anymore_ kind of party. Genma would think it was funny. Kakashi has never said no to drinking anything in a can. It wouldn’t be appropriate to invite Asuma.

Is it as weird for her to be paying that extra twenty dollars as it is for him to have it? The truth is that she has never asked Asuma to split the cost of birth control. He would, but in Kurenai’s mind, Raidou is the only man who will love her like that. He will always have a piece of her; the problem is that Kurenai goes out her way to save pieces just for Raidou, not bothering to offer them to Asuma. She tells herself that he won’t miss what he never had, but she doesn’t know if that is really true.

“I like it when you’re inside me,” she drawls, “so much that I like it when you come inside me without a condom. Is that gross?” she asks. Raidou snorts.

“That you like my semen?” he asks. Kurenai smiles and nods.

“Yes. Is it weird that I like your semen so much that I want it inside me?” she asks with a big grin. He can tell she is saying it just to freak him out.

“As long as my semen is your favorite,” he sighs. Her smile doesn’t falter one bit.

“Of course, it is,” she says, lacking complete self-awareness. But Raidou will take being her favorite person with her favorite semen over a lot of things.

“You’re disgusting,” he slides in before she can wax poetic about his spunk. Kurenai sighs and wraps herself around him, smiling.

Something that Raidou can’t comprehend is how easy it is for him to make her feel complete. All he has to do is enter her and suddenly, everything in her world is right. He moves inside her, and she looks right into his eyes. His gaze softens as they hold eye contact, and Kurenai can’t do anything but rip herself open further. _I want you_. _I want you so bad, Raidou_. She opens her mouth to speak, but he kisses her.

Raidou wants to gobble up her words, each and every one. Kurenai hums into his mouth, and clenches herself around him. For a few moments, they are themselves. Kurenai and Raidou. The eye and the oh. The cur and the ray. The en and the doe.

She pulls away, and he gasps as he gets close. She moves against him, faster, and she plants open kisses all over his face, his beautiful scar and his eyelids and every freckle. He breathes into her mouth and runs a hand between them, so that he can touch her. She sighs into his mouth, so he keeps touching her. He wants to breathe in all the air that has ever been in her lungs.

Her body forms a cage as he brings them home, and she grows rigid right before he does. He throws himself upon her as she wraps herself even tighter around him. They lie there, him on top of her, for a good five minutes. He moves first, taking her earlobe in his mouth and gumming on it. It makes her giggle. He smiles, rolling over onto his back. She rolls onto her side, following him.

“You’re so needy,” he sighs, wrapping his arms around her shoulders as she settles her head onto his chest, her arm outstretched across him. He holds her tight, the way she likes. He even kisses the top of her head.

“I need you,” she says, “it’s very simple, actually.” Raidou exhales.

“Yet, here we are.” He says. They lie down in silence, on top of his duvet.

“Remember that day Genma tried to bring Kakashi and Asuma in here when you were naked?” Raidou asks. Kurenai looks up at him.

“Yeah?”

“Well, would you really have been okay with it?” he asks. Kurenai smirks.

“Genma doesn’t care and Asuma and Kakashi would want to impress me. I trust them to look at my naked body and leave me alone. Besides, none of them would dare put a foot out of line with you around.” She smiles at Raidou. He has always been her protector, and he always will be.

“Well, what would you have done?” he asks.

“Asked for an orgy,” she deadpans. He huffs under her, making her smile. “You wouldn’t share?”

“Definitely not,” he replies.

“Honestly, I probably would have asked you if it was okay for me to put my clothes on, _because you’re the man_. I would have said it exactly like that, too.” Raidou laughs against her, and it makes Kurenai feel warm.

“That’s pretty fucked up, even for you.” He kisses the top of her head, “you like embarrassing me.”

“Mhmmm, I am just eroticizing the patriarchy that oppresses me. Women do that all the time. Every woman is looking for the boot to the face,” she drawls.

“Fuck, Kurenai.”

“What? “Every woman adores a Fascist/the boot in the face” is from a poem—I didn’t come up with it.” She says.

“Which poem?” he asks. Kurenai smirks.

“Daddy by Sylvia Plath.” She snickers, “see, a woman looks for the boot to the face that is most like her daddy’s.” She looks up at Raidou, who has a pinched expression on his face.

“That’s grosser than my semen being your favorite.” Raidou shakes his head out, and Kurenai tilts her head at him.

“It’s not that gross,” she shrugs, “it’s just a script between men and women.”

“Whatever you say,” he drawls.

“Honestly, being naked in front of the three of them wouldn’t have been a big deal at all. Asuma and Kakashi would have stared at the floor and Genma is immune to me,” she says.

“Genma is the best man any of us know,” Raidou sighs. Kurenai squirms in his arms, moving so she lies on top of him.

“No man is better than you, Raidou,” she says softly. He looks down at her. They both know that she included Asuma in that statement.

“That’s different,” he murmurs. He’s the best at fucking her, that much he knows. But Raidou isn’t a very good person. She pushes herself up, making him grunt. As she sits atop him, Raidou finds himself wishing they had had sex in this position more frequently.

Kurenai gets a wild look in her eyes, biting her lower lip. He can tell she is going to say something that could very well send him to an early grave. She does that sometimes.

“What?” he asks, pressing his mouth into a line.

“Want to know how much I like your semen?” she scoots down his body, sitting on his thighs. Raidou sits up on his elbows.

“You’re making this weird,” he says, “this liking my semen bit has gone on too long.”

“It’s not just a bit. It is how I feel,” she replies, in the tone of voice that makes it hard to tell whether or not she is joking.

“Kurenai, if this is a joke…” he starts.

“I would never joke about your semen.” Her mouth twitches, and he sighs, rubbing his eyes with a hand.

“You always have to make things weird.” He says.

“Sex is only fun if it’s weird,” she replies. “So, may I?”

“May you what?” Raidou asks, smiling at the frown she gives him.

“May I show you how much I like your semen?” she asks. “I won’t do it if you say no.” She puts her hands flat on his tummy. Raidou looks at her, thinking about how he has gone months without a blowjob because of Kurenai.

“You have no idea how I badly I want you to show me how much you want my semen.” He drawls. Kurenai smiles, a real one, taking him in her hand.

“You won’t regret it,” she says.

“I haven’t yet,” he replies, “I probably never will.”

When her mouth is on him, Raidou sighs and looks up at the ceiling. He wonders if she will make him sound like a baby bird, like he is being born again. When she takes him inside her mouth, his hands clench onto the duvet, and he knows a part of him that he thought long dead is actually still, painfully, alive.

**

He can’t fall asleep. Raidou turns his head to look at Kurenai, curled on her side, her back glued to him. Dark hair covering her face, Raidou would like to imagine that Kurenai is asleep. One of them is always at peace while the other is a wreck; it’s his turn this time. He isn’t going to cry, but he aches all over. They really fucked up this time. Not that the previous two times they had sex weren’t bad, but he could dismiss those two as them falling together. It had been quicky and dirty; two people getting straight to the point.

That isn’t what happened tonight. They had been reborn in each other’s mouths, like they had been inside each other this whole time. He stopped counting how many months lie between him and the night they told each other that this would have to stop, but he is keenly aware of how much progress has been lost.

It’s not fair, what they take away from Asuma and Yuugao each time they do this. This time, they said “I love you”. Who says next time won’t be the time that she begs for him to come back? Because he would. Kurenai can have him anyway she wants, even if it kills him. He rubs his face and sighs. Can kisses really be stolen? Is it the case that Raidou steals from Asuma and Kurenai from Yuugao, or is it the case that Raidou steals from Yuugao and Kurenai from Asuma? It makes his head hurt, trying to decide just how spectacularly they fucked up.

Another dumb question: do you count the number of times you had based on the number of sex acts, or the sliver of time you were together? Because if it is the former, three would become seven. He frowns, trying to figure out which is worse.

Raidou doesn’t care what Asuma would do to him if he found out. He could kill him, for all Raidou cares. Anything to avoid seeing the look in Yuugao’s eyes if she were to realize what he had done to her. Raidou is the first man she has been with since Hayate, fuck, the second man she has ever been with, and this is what he does to her. For no good reason, not that one really exists.

But you know what’s really fucked up? There isn’t enough guilt or shame or any consequence, really, that makes sex with Kurenai not worth it. Raidou doesn’t want to deal with the fallout, and he does feel guilty, but he would do it again. He wants to be the kind of guy who would have let her walk away, who wouldn’t follow her, who could just stay away. But that would also make him the kind of man who could turn his back on love.

Raidou wants to want to kick her out of his room, out of his head, out of his life. He rubs his eyes with both hands, sighing. He feels her move beside him; it stings when their skin peels apart. He groans as he feels her press her tummy to his side. Raidou presses his hands to his face. Kurenai pulls them away, rubbing each palm with a thumb as she looks up at him.

“You aren’t asleep,” she sighs.

“No,” he admits, “I can’t sleep.” Kurenai frowns.

“Why?” she asks. She is at complete and utter peace, having had Raidou inside her again, hearing him tell her that he loves her. More satisfying than sex is knowing that she is still his favorite person. If he asked, she would give it all up for him.

She will never admit this to anyone, but she would happily walk around wearing one of his shirts or his cologne, just to show that they still belong to each other. Kurenai would find Yuugao and offer her dainty wrist, and she happily watch her realize that Kurenai smells like Raidou. If he told her too, she would even give Asuma the underwear Raidou took off of her, as a consolation prize. She would tie up all the loose ends, and then they could be together. It’s what she has been dreaming of.

Earlier, she swallowed all he gave, and it makes her feel powerful.

Raidou looks away from her. He doesn’t know how to say everything he needs to say. “I don’t want to be with you like this,” he murmurs. She frowns.

“Oh,” she barely pushes past her lips. Raidou sighs.

“It’s not like that,” he opens his arms to her. “I don’t regret it. I just wish I did.” Kurenai presses herself to him. “Do you know what that feels like?” he asks in a quiet voice.

Unlike him, Kurenai has never felt the compulsion to feel guilty. It’s not that she is incapable of it. She just doesn’t go looking for the feeling. “I don’t look for shame, Raidou.” She pulls away and straddles him. He looks up at her, and he clenches his jaw as he feels himself getting hard. She looks behind her, still blinking back sleep.

“I want you to get some rest,” she sighs, scooting back.

“So, you’re going to hop on my dick?” he asks. She gives him a lazy, dreamy smile.

“I want you to fall asleep,” she yawns, “I’m just going to fuck you there.”

“Kurenai,” he says, reaching for her hips. “We don’t have to.” She tilts her head at him.

“Do you want to?” she asks softly. Raidou presses his mouth together, because the answer ought to be self-evident. “Raidou?” she repeats herself.

“Yes,” he says in a quiet voice. She takes him in her hand, and slides him in. She looks down and smiles at him. Raidou sits up and wraps his arms around her waist. He decides to rock back and forth. He doesn’t need to rush things, and she seems pretty sleepy.

“You don’t have to do this,” he sighs as she moves against him. She rolls her hips and offers him a dreamy smile.

“I want to,” she says in a small voice. “I want to do this all the time.” Raidou begins to move faster, and it lights something inside of her. She kisses his jaw, smiling when he groans.

“You’re still sticky,” he sighs, and she laughs.

“Well, it’s better when it’s sticky.” She hums into his ear. If she could, Kurenai would dissolve and become a part of him. She wraps her arms around his neck as he moves a little faster, and she moans when he hits the right spot. He does it again and again, and she takes his face in her hands and kisses him. Full on his mouth, breathing into each other, tongues and spit and hot breath being shared. It’s ugly and gross and human.

Eventually he breaks through whatever resolve he has and gets to the business of fucking her. Hard and fast and deep. Her tongue grazes the inside of his cheek and he smiles at the big mess they’re making. “Asuma can’t do this, can he?” Raidou asks. She sighs.

“No,” she admits, “he really can’t.” It makes him feel like he’s won; Asuma might get the spend the rest of his life with Kurenai, but she will never forget Raidou. Kurenai has tried, many times, to figure out what exactly Raidou does so well. She has come to the conclusion that there must be some sort of chemical thing between them. She refuses to believe that Yuugao, in anyway, compares to her. Not when there are days where Asuma, no matter how hard he tries, can’t hit the spot and she fakes it. It always feels good. It just doesn’t always feel complete.

He pants against her throat, and she takes a second to savor the _completeness_ between the two of them. They are never going to feel this way with anyone else. He hits her deep and she moans. Kurenai looks up and sees herself in the mirror on the wall behind him. Her face is ugly, and her mouth hangs open, but she has never felt more beautiful. He makes her this way, and for that, she memorizes his back in the mirror. Every little bit of him is beautiful to her, but she only now takes the time to appreciate his back, with its scars and muscles and delicate spine. _How have I never noticed it before?_ Kurenai rolls her hips and he thrusts up, making her squeak. She looks down and kisses him deep, again.

It’s over for both of them at the same time. Kurenai curls her body around his and grinds into him as he holds tight. Raidou lets out a big sigh first, and he pulls her down with him. Kurenai tucks her face into the side of his neck as she slowly stretches her limbs out.

“Tired?” she whispers right into his ear. Raidou hums in response. “Is that a yes?” Kurenai pushes herself up so she can look at his face. He looks a little dopey. She runs a hand through his hair, smiling at him. “Do you feel better?”

“Yeah,” he says in a quiet voice. Kurenai smiles.

“Want to roll on top of me?” she asks, “I’ll hold you while you fall asleep.”

“That’s cheesy.” Raidou yawns, stretching his body out. She rolls off him and he grunts.

“I like it when you’re on top of me,” she sighs, “and we never get to do things like this anymore.” Raidou laughs at her petulant tone.

“You remember why that is, right?” he asks. Kurenai opens her arms and pouts at him. He sighs and, more tired than ever before, he lies down between Kurenai’s legs, his head on her stomach. She runs her hands through his hair, and he lets out a big sigh. “I really, really miss you,” he sighs. His hot breath on her tummy makes her smile. Kurenai wraps herself around him.

“I miss you too,” she says in a soft voice. If they asked each other to jump, they’d do it.

Instead, Raidou closes his eyes and passes into sleep. Kurenai tears up when she hears him start to snore. She wants this, forever. Desperately. But Raidou is finally asleep, and that’s what matters.

**

The next night, Raidou lies next to Yuugao, his arm around her shoulders. Her head is on his chest, and he is trying to not think about what happened between him and Kurenai. He is still reeling from last night. Kurenai loves him. He sighs and rubs his face with his hand. _This is one big fuck show_. Things with Yuugao are good, and not only has he risked it, multiple times, but he did for the girl who chose someone else. The worst thing is that he would still do it. _I’m insane_.

Yuugao moves her head to look up at him, and smiles. He always frowns, but he has been distant today. She wonders, what took him from her? Reaching her hand to his face, she strokes his cheek with her thumb.

“You’re distracted,” she sighs. Raidou sighs.

“It’s just been one of those days.” Raidou had walked Kurenai home this morning. She asked if he would come inside, but he declined and went into work. Ten hours of reading files, and he is no better than he was before. He still thinks about how she fucked him to sleep, and that, even more embarrassingly, that it had worked.

“You can tell me about it,” Yuugao says. “I want to know.” _No, you don’t_. He smiles at her.

“I was just thinking about the scar on my face.” He got it when he was fifteen, protecting Kurenai. It’s just another reminder that he wouldn’t know who he is without the her.

“How did you get it?” Yuugao asks. He has never mentioned thinking about it before. She assumed that he forgot about it, more often than not.

“I was on a mission with Kurenai, Asuma and our sensei. I put myself between the enemy and Kurenai.” He sometimes wonders if their lives would be different if she was the disfigured one. Yuugao presses herself against him.

“You’re a hero,” she sighs. Raidou frowns.

“I’m really not.” _Kurenai had her mouth all over me last night_. He is trying to cope with his guilt by making himself emotionally available in ways that are ultimately unsustainable, like radical honesty. But he can’t even do his coping mechanisms right. Because the story of his scar isn’t just that he had taken a hit meant for Kurenai, it’s an allegory for their relationship. He takes hits meant for her, because he doesn’t like the idea of her being hurt, whether she deserves it or not. Like, if Yuugao and Asuma found out, Raidou would step between them and Kurenai. He wouldn’t even hesitate.

“You don’t think much of yourself, Raidou,” Yuugao twists her body to lie on his. “Why is that?”

“Because it’s easy.” He closes his eyes and thinks about how much he would like to want to want to take everything he did with Kurenai back. It’s almost worse, waiting for guilt to come than the guilt itself.

**

Kurenai sits beside him on his bed, as Raidou stares at the wall of his room. He called her over here to talk, but he doesn’t know how to say what he needs to. He could blame Kurenai for what happened between them, but that would be stupid. He and Kurenai made the decision to have sex, to be unfaithful, together. They are both responsible for what happened between them.

“Kurenai,” he says, turning to look at her. “I don’t know how to say this.” She looks into his eyes, and she can sense what he is trying to do. Maybe it will kill her dead. She deserves it, for fucking Raidou behind Asuma’s back, for messing with both of them without remorse.

“Say it,” she says.

“I need space,” he says, “not forever. But I need to concentrate on my relationship with Yuugao.” Kurenai twists her mouth and looks away. It tastes worse than she imagined.

“What does space mean?” she asks, turning to look back at him. Raidou looks down at the floor.

“It means…” he trails off, scuffing his toe against the floor. He sighs. “It means we should avoid being around each other, until it stops hurting.” He picks at the skin of his wrist, a new tick that he has developed in the last week.

It took him a whole week to build the courage to actually call her to talk about their fucked up relationship. He knows it is the right thing to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Kurenai crosses her arms and turns away from him.

“It hurt?” she asks in a small voice. From what she remembered, it felt very good.

“No, not us.” Raidou touches her elbow, “but after? Having to look at Yuugao, knowing what I did to her? To Asuma?” Kurenai turns to look at him. She can’t disagree; they’ve made a huge mess of everything. But the way she feels is real, and feelings are messy sometimes.

“Raidou,” she sighs, uncrossing his arm and picking up his wrist. “Stop doing this to yourself. You are always punishing yourself.” She touches the red spot on his wrist with her thumb. Raidou frowns at her hand.

“I just need some space,” he says in a quiet, pathetic voice that he doesn’t recognize as his own. Kurenai picks up his wrist and presses her mouth to it. Raidou doesn’t pull away, but he finds it in him to glare at her.

“This is the kind of thing I want to avoid,” he mutters, “you know I won’t say no, so please, stop.” She looks into his eyes as she gently places his wrist back on his lap.

“Okay,” she says quietly. “I’ll go now.”

“Thanks.” He says, not looking at her. She stands up, puts her sandals back on, and leaves.

**

_Pressing her palms to the pink tile, Kurenai thinks about the color. Pink is one of those colors that she hated when she was younger. She insisted that she wasn’t a pink girl. She was fine with purple, indifferent to green and yellow. She liked blue. Most of all, Kurenai loved the colour red. She was the kind of girl who liked looking at blood, the way it bubbles and smears and stains._

_Raidou had come here, his lip split, sporting a black eye. He came into her house through the window. He had a hunted look in his eyes, and he didn’t say anything before stripping and jumping into the shower. Kurenai opened the bathroom door and followed him into the steamy room._

_“Raidou?” she asks. “Raidou! What happened out there?” He sticks his face out from behind the curtain, frowning._

_“I punched Asuma in his fucking face.” Raidou says. He snaps the curtain shut. She can see he is angry. They only put his brother in the ground a week ago._

_Kurenai pulls her dress over her head, pulls her panties off, leaving them in a pile. She walks to the shower and pulls the curtain open, and steps in. Raidou’s back is to her. She can tell that he is rubbing hot water onto his face. His hair is wet. It clings to his scalp._

_“Raidou?” she murmurs, her voice lost in the steam. But he turns around, and she pulls his face to hers. “What happened?” Raidou blinks, sighs._

_“Asuma told me to man up.” He says. “So, I punched him in the face.” It looked like Asuma landed a few blows too._

_“Why would he say something like that?” she asked, frowning. Raidou’s lip is swollen._

_“Because I need to act like a man, not a baby.” He feels an immense shame for how he has hidden away for the past two weeks, losing himself in Kurenai. Asuma was right to call him out. It was just his brother. People lose more every day._

_Kurenai’s eyes go wide, and Raidou looks torn. She sees the tears in the corners of his eyes, and all the pain on his face. She wants to hold him like a baby, kiss the empty space behind his ears and protect him from everything. In her more deluded moments, when all is quiet and Raidou admits to uncertainty, she wants to tell him that they can retire and become civilians. They can leave Konoha, move somewhere else. Be free._

_She will be his wife, his protector, his shield. She will have his babies and they will rebuild their destroyed families._

_But Raidou won’t do any of that. If she told him her fantasy, he would tell her that she needs to get her head checked. They can’t be anyone but who they are: shinobi. He wouldn’t say anything about their babies. He would sidestep the question. He is a trained assassin, after all. He has told her that he doesn’t deserve to have a family, he doesn’t even really deserve her._

_In his darkest moment, which happened a week ago, he confessed that he thought his specialty was why his family was taken away. Assassins don’t get to have families. He had sobbed into her breastbone, telling her to leave him. She had wrapped her arms around him and let him cry it out._

_Raidou blinks at her. Kurenai pulls his face to hers, and she kisses him right on the cut on his lip. She runs her tongue over the clot, the swelling. It’s coppery and hot. Raidou pulls her to him, and she opens herself once more._

_They have spent the past two weeks fucking in every room of their dead parents’ houses. They say it’s to prevent a haunting, but actually, truly, neither of them knows how to be alone. She wonders: how would her mom feel knowing that Big Bad Raidou was giving it to her little girl, her only child? What would her mother say, if Kurenai told her that Big Bad Raidou is her North Star? Kurenai puts her hand on his cheek and sighs as he leans into the swell of her mouth._

_It’s funny to her, that Asuma would be the one telling Raidou to man up. Asuma is the one who ran away from their team. He is the one who shirks responsibility, who gets angry at his dad and leaves to serve at a temple. In Kurenai’s opinion, you aren’t really a man if you have to hurt other people to find yourself. Asuma asked her why she never writes him letters; he expects silence from Raidou, but not her. Kurenai had shrugged, but the truth is that she has no interest in speaking to him. There is nothing for her to say._

_Kurenai pulls away from Raidou, and he grunts as they part. He leans back in, but she shows him her cheek._

_“What?” he asks. She blinks._

_“You’re a man,” she murmurs. Raidou lets out a cold laugh._

_“If I was a real man, I wouldn’t be holed up in here with you,” he says. Kurenai frowns._

_“What do you mean?” she asks, wondering if she should be offended. He sighs._

_“Real men don’t have to hide inside of women,” he says, “that’s what I’m doing. Hiding.” He looks at her, ashamed. Kurenai bites her lip._

_“Is that the only reason?” she asks. If it is, her heart will shatter._

_“No,” he murmurs. “I love you.” They haven’t been doing this long, but it is how he feels. Swollen and bloated with love until he releases inside of her._

_“I love you, too.” Kurenai looks up at him with her big, bright eyes. She bites her lower lip. “You make me feel like a woman.” She reaches her hand out and touches his lower stomach. His tummy tightens under her hand, as she slides down, down, down._

_“Your point?” he sighs. He is in her hand. He is powerless._

_“Do I make you feel like a man?” she asks, tilting her head to the side. “Because if not, we need to fix that.” His mouth twitches. The only time he has felt like a man has been when he is inside of her. Killing has never done that for him._

_“The only time I feel like one is when we are together.” Each time she screams, or moans, he feels like he has gotten something right. Like he has snatched an absolute truth out of thin air. Her orgasms make him feel like he has won. What, he does not know. All he knows is the taste of victory when she says his name._

_He wants to say: you make me feel like a winner._

_Kurenai moves her hand. She kisses his chin. The way he pants is cute. “Raidou,” she murmurs, “Asuma was wrong. So wrong.”_

_“No, he wasn’t,” he frowns. He really doesn’t want to think about Asuma right now. Kurenai shakes her head._

_“He was,” she says, “you know why?”_

_“Enlighten me,” he drawls._

_“You’re not hiding in me. You’re making me into a woman, and I’m making you into a man.” She says against his chin. Raidou sighs._

_“That makes no sense. We already are what we are,” he grabs her wrist. He doesn’t want her to stop, but he can’t think when her hand is around his dick. Kurenai presses her mouth into a line._

_“No. You make me, and I make you,” she says, “I’m not me without you, and you’re not you without me. You’re not hiding from anything. You are becoming yourself inside of me.” She walks past him, turning them around. Her back to the shower, he watches her begin to get wet._

_She releases him, and steps back. “Become a man inside me,” she says, “please.” She turns her back, and here she is, pressing her palms into the tile and thinking about the colour red. She turns her head over her shoulder and looks at him. “Come here and make me a woman, Raidou.”_

_“That sounds like you got it out of one of Kakashi’s smutty books,” Raidou snorts. He is ashamed to admit that something so obvious and porn-y turns him on. Kurenai smiles._

_“Jiraiya could never write something that profound.” She winks. Kurenai is one of the few people who can wink without looking like her face has a twitch. It’s sexy._

_Kurenai arches her back as he steps up behind her. “Getting clean while being dirty,” he rasps, making Kurenai giggle._

_“That seems like a loophole,” she says. They are standing right under the shower, heads bowed. He leans over her, blocking out the water. His eyelashes are already wet, clumping together. He closes his eyes to fast, and his eyelashes get stuck in one of his eyes._

_“Ouch,” he murmurs. Kurenai looks over her shoulder at his closed eye._

_“What is it?” she asks._

_“I got an eyelash in my eye,” he frowns. Kurenai turns around and opens his eye with her forefinger and thumb. She leans in close, and spies the offending lash sticking out of his waterline. Her tongue sticks out of her mouth as she uses the pinky of her other hand to pluck the eyelash out. Raidou sighs, blinking once it’s gone._

_“Your black eye is going to look spectacular,” she says, looking at the eyelash on her pinky._

_“I’m already ugly.” He snorts._

_“No, you’re the most handsome man I’ve ever met.” Kurenai holds her pinky up. “Make a wish.” She commands, rather than asks. Raidou blinks._

_After a second, he smirks. He leans down and blows the lash off of her finger. On impulse, he puts her pinky in his mouth, and swirls his tongue around it. She swallows as he gives her a completely innocent expression._

_“What?” he asks._

_“Nothing,” she says. “I just think it’s nice to be wanted so bad.” He smiles at her._

_“Turn around,” he says. Kurenai smiles and does as he says. Raidou bends at his knees and puts his hands on her hips._

_“Say when.” He says._

_“Never,” she shoots back, and she giggles when he presses into her. She sighs when their hips are flush, and she drops her head down. Raidou looks at the knot of her spine, the little freckle beside it. He presses his mouth into it as she sighs._

_Raidou wonders what his brother would think of him and Kurenai. He would probably laugh and say he has been waiting for something like this to happen between them. Raidou thought he was doing this because he didn’t want to be haunted, but he finds that the more this happens, the less it is about avoiding haunting and the more it is about fulfilling a longing for another. Sex had always been about looking for something in another person, until he knew Kurenai. He doesn’t have to look anymore; he’s found it._

_It is possible to live your life missing something, without ever realizing it. Raidou doesn’t think he could go back to how it used to be. A slap followed by another and then another. Slap, slap, slap. As he hits up and against her, Kurenai braces herself on the wall. He can feel her back twitch under him. Raidou nuzzles her hair, finding her ear. He takes the shell of her ear between his front teeth and gums down._

_“Yes?” she sighs, enjoying the up-down, up-down feeling of him._

_“Make my life easier and touch yourself, please.” Raidou snaps at the shell of her ear. She sighs but does as he asks._

_He slows down so she can figure out what she is doing. She makes a frustrated noise and he goes back in. She curls around herself, trying to reach the peak as Raidou chases her down. Her insides feel melty, and she is almost there. She takes a left, then a right, two more lefts and then three complete spins, gasping as she moves against her hand and Raidou moves with her._

_He follows her soon after, and in one final slap it’s all released. The shower now runs cold. He wraps his arms around her waist and buries his face into her shoulder. In-out, in-out. He recovers himself in a succession of breaths, and Kurenai digs her nails into his forearms. Finally, she bends forward and turns off the shower. When she straightens herself back up, she presses her back into him._

_“Do you feel like a man?” she asks._

_“Only with you,” he murmurs. He wishes he could be with her all the time. He would never doubt himself again. He doesn’t know how else to put it, but Kurenai makes him feels glittery, like a star. She sees all the good in him and elevates it to its highest point._

_“I love you a lot,” she says. Raidou presses his cheek to hers._

_“I love you more,” he says quietly, betraying all the soft feelings he has been trying to hide from the last two weeks, five months, quite possibly eighteen whole years._

_Kurenai hums, pressing her back into his chest. Raidou kisses the line of her shoulder, making her laugh out loud. It feels like it echoes in small space of the bathroom, and they both pretend that they are the only people left in the world._

**

Time continues to pass by. Kurenai doesn’t know how she does it, but she stays away from Raidou. She doesn’t feel guilty about they did, but she feels bad that she hurt Raidou. Sometimes, Kurenai wonders if there is something wrong with her, for not feeling guilt and shame like him. He always absorbs the impact. But this time, he wasn’t trying to protect her. Now, he can’t even be around her unless there are at least two other people. He won’t even speak to her on the phone for longer than five minutes.

She wonders how things got this way. They are all at Kakashi’s place, and she stands with Asuma, who is talking to Aoba about something she didn’t bother registering. Instead, she is looking over at the couch, where Raidou and Yuugao sit, pressed together. They are looking at each other like they are happy. Like, sharing an inside joke happy. She can see Yuugao’s teeth and Raidou is looking right into her eyes. It looks like they are in love.

It doesn’t help that Yuugao looks so pretty. She is wearing a black dress, the kind with off shoulders, with tasteful silver earrings. Kurenai sort of wishes he was with someone uglier than her. He deserves the world. That doesn’t mean it is any easier to watch him have it. Kurenai misses him. She wonders if he misses her. It doesn’t look like it. He turns his attention to Genma, but in the process, Raidou sees her. His smile falls, and in that moment, she knows that he misses her too. She blinks, hoping it conveys the depth of her _I love you_. Raidou looks away, and she feels something in her stomach twist.

 _You’re really just my personal favorite_. She wonders if they could still be friends, if he loved her less. She sips her beer and looks up at Asuma. He catches her eye and smiles. She responds in kind, even though it makes her sick. Asuma can tell that something is wrong by the way her smile sits on her face.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, touching the small of her back.

“I don’t like Yuugao’s earrings,” she says, “they’re tacky.” Aoba sips his beer, and Asuma tilts his head.

“That’s rude.” He says in a measured voice. Kurenai is feeling keyed up. She plays with her earlobe. It’s how Asuma knows she is actually upset.

“Well, it’s the truth. The truth always hurts.” She says. Asuma narrows his eyes.

“Does it?” he asks. Aoba looks between the two of them, clearly nervous. The reason no one tells Asuma or Yuugao that Raidou and Kurenai aren’t over each other, and by extension, why Aoba didn’t tell Asuma about Kurenai telling Raidou that he could come on her face without consent, is precisely because no one wants to be around for the inevitable clusterfuck that Asuma, Kurenai, Raidou and Yuugao all imploding on each other would be. Kakashi has a plan, but he doesn’t seem so certain that it would work. _Please_ , Aoba thinks, _don’t do it here and make it our problem_. Considering how Kurenai still makes herself Raidou’s problem, Aoba isn’t optimistic.

“Yes,” Kurenai says, “why are you asking me?”

“Well,” Asuma says, “Genma and I helped Raidou choose those earrings.” Aoba begins scanning the room, hoping to find Kakashi.

“Don’t get me a pair like that, and we’re good.” Kurenai says, dismissing Asuma.

“I think they’re nice,” he says, “they look good with her neck.” He slides that last bit in there just to see how she will react if he says something nice about her looks.

“Her neck is fine.” Kurenai says, “Yuugao is pretty.” She shrugs dismissively, like Yuugao’s entire being is inconsequential. She looks back at Yuugao and bites her lip when she sees Raidou’s hand on her thigh.

Yuugao is obviously telling Shizune a funny story, which is fine, except Raidou is looking at Yuugao with such adoration that Kurenai thinks she may hurl on the spot. She sips her beer.

“What about Hayate?” she says, “are we all supposed to be okay with the fact that she moved on like he was nothing?” Kurenai looks back at Asuma, who is giving her a hard look, and Aoba who is looking pointedly away from her.

“Hayate doesn’t want her to sad and alone.” Asuma sighs, “he wants her to be happy. If something happened to me, I would want you to be happy.” Kurenai eyes him, considering whether or not she wants to be reasonable.

“How could everything change?” she asks. “How could Hayate be her soulmate and now she is glomming onto Raidou?” Asuma takes a step back, giving her a wary look. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, not really, but he wonders if she is trying to force his hand.

“People change.” Asuma says, although, right now, he doesn’t think that will be the case.

“Soulmates don’t,” Kurenai says, “you only get one. How are you supposed to go on after?” blinking, she looks back over at Raidou. Her hand is over her mouth, and she nearly blows it all apart. _I fucked Raidou four times_. That’s all she would have to say. She could leave out the declarations of love, the tears, their fixation on each other.

Asuma wouldn’t hit her. But he would definitely say something, and Raidou is right there. She opens her mouth, not really knowing what she is going to say, when she feels a hand come around her waist. She looks up to see Genma smirking at her.

“You look like shit,” he drawls. “Asuma should break up with you for being so ugly.” Kurenai narrows her eyes at him.

“What do you want?” she asks. Genma shrugs.

“I need to get ice, and I thought Asuma could use a break from you.” He smiles at Asuma. “She’s a piece of work, isn’t she?” Genma drags Kurenai away with him, and she goes along willingly. His face falls when they get to the door, and it stays that way as they slide on their shoes and leave the apartment.

Genma tucks his hands into his pockets, looking up at the night sky. Kurenai walks beside him. They don’t say anything to each other, until Genma speaks.

“You were going to blow it all up,” he says. Kurenai sighs.

“Yeah.” She replies, lamely. He nods.

“You want to know what I read the other day?” he says. She nods, like, _sure thing_. “I saw it on a postcard in the library: ‘honesty is stronger medicine than sympathy, which may console but often conceals.’ Someone named Gretel Ehrlich said it, apparently.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you aren’t going to be nice anymore?” she says. Genma shakes his head.

“It’s not about being nice.” He says, “it’s that I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t level with you.”

“Alright. Level with me,” she stops walking and puts her hands on her hips. “Tell me everything.” Genma stops, turning back to look at her.

“Don’t destroy everything. If you’re unhappy, be a grown up and figure out how to fix it without hurting other people.” He sighs, “do you _want_ to be with Asuma? Because, from where I’m standing, it looks like you are using him as a placeholder for the person you really want, and that’s shitty. He deserves better.” Kurenai frowns.

“I love Asuma.” She says defensively, crossing her arms. Genma sighs.

“You fucked Raidou.” He says. Her face twists.

“Did not.”

“Did to.” He shouts the last bit, and she sighs.

“How do you know?” she asks. “Did he tell you?”

“You chased him down a public street. You guilted him into buying flowers for you. You told him that he could ejaculate on your face without permission…”

“Everyone is so hung up on that.” She pouts, but a part of her glows when she sees the tendon rise in his neck.

“Kurenai!” He says, “do you hear yourself?” Genma stalks right up to her. “He went to your house at night when Asuma and Yuugao weren’t in town. He chased after you and didn’t come back. Kurenai, Kakashi and I know you two have had sex.” He sighs. “It’s just, what did you get a boyfriend for, if you’re not going to be faithful to him?” Kurenai looks into Genma’s eyes, and her lower lip quivers.

“I don’t know,” she admits, “I really don’t. I-I thought it was the adult thing to do, but I miss him, I really miss him,” her face twists, and Genma reaches for her. “I’ve messed everything up, because I love Asuma…”

“But he’s not Raidou.” Genma holds her close as she cries on him. He made the ice thing up. He wonders if anyone will notice. _At least everyone knows I don’t want to fuck her_.

“Asuma is good to me, and he is such a good fit, but he isn’t right, and now Raidou is with Yuugao and he wants space and he’s gone, and it hurts, it hurts so much to not be with him.” She fits her face into the side of Genma’s neck, and he strokes her hair.

“I’m going to love him forever.” She sighs, defeated. Genma hums, and she slumps against him.

It’s inoperable. Palliative. All Kurenai can do it wait to see who dies first: her or her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the height of melodrama and the trashiest these two will act. There are another two chapters before I am going to have to break my once a week update schedule to put the outlines for the next twenty chapters together. My MA thesis is ruining my life, so writing this trash romance novel is my only emotional outlet. 
> 
> Sylvia Plath's "Daddy" is referenced. Kurenai and Raidou listen to Fleetwood Mac's "Silver Springs". Raidou's bit about the profundity of corny truisms is straight from DFW; the line about genjutsu being a magic trick by showing you how it's done is something DFW said about writing. 
> 
> I am going to come back and deal with typos later, but if there is anything glaring, please let me know. I know Raidou and Kurenai are technically the hero and heroine of this story, but I think Genma is the MVP and Yuugao and Asuma deserve medals. I'm kind of curious to know if people feel the same way. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I really appreciate all your comments, and they give me motivation to keep going.


	9. A Drop in Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Raidou tells Kurenai that his mind is made up. 
> 
> CW: Mentions a past abortion.

“Tell me why your hands are cold”

Men I Trust, “Show Me How”

Kurenai sits across from Asuma, watching him roll a cigarette. Every so often, he thinks that he should try cutting out all the filler shit between him and sweet, sweet nicotine. It’s one of his weirder quirks; Asuma doesn’t actually like consuming poison, and he believes in clean eating, in theory. He holds the paper up to the tip of his tongue, dabbing the paper to it. Kurenai tilts her head, looking at him.

 _Why am I with you?_ Kurenai has been thinking this with increasing frequency. Why is she so determined to choose Asuma, when she still thinks about Raidou? _I love you too, Kurenai_. Asuma says the same thing to her, but it’s not the same. She finds security in him. He is steady, knows where he is going. Asuma wants it all: a partner, a family, a future. All things that Kurenai decided, nearly a year ago, to care about.

She thinks about Genma’s words. _What did you get a boyfriend for, if you’re not going to be faithful to him?_ Because she wanted to feel like an adult. Kurenai wanted to date someone who would take her, their future, seriously. She has grown to love Asuma. Kurenai knows that this is something she says to herself a lot, and that she should start acting like it. She likes the way that he gives her direction, that he puts his hand on her thigh, how he consistently gives it all he’s got. _I don’t deserve you_. He makes his ‘I’m-concentrating-really-hard-on-an-insignificant-task’ face. She blinks. _Why do I have so much contempt?_ Kurenai wonders if this is just how women grow to feel about the men they commit to, or if this is an actual problem.

It’s true that she never had this kind of contempt for Raidou. But he was never her boyfriend, and Asuma doesn’t make her feel like there is white-hot lightning in her guts. They’re different people.

“Do you ever think about where you thought you’d be at our age?” she asks. Asuma looks up from beneath his brow, face still screwed up in concentration.

“Well, here.” He replies, “not here specifically, but in Konoha.” Raidou didn’t even think that far ahead. He stopped when he reached twenty-five, the age his brother was when he passed. It’s like time stopped for him. Raidou doesn’t want to acknowledge that he is now older than his brother got to be. That’s his problem, and that’s why their relationship, for all its intensity and sincerity and rightness, can’t thrive.

“Where did you think you’d end up?” he asks. Kurenai frowns.

“I thought…” she trails off.

“Did you think you’d be with Raidou?” he asks, pointedly not looking at her. Kurenai bites her lip.

“It would never happen.” Not in a million years.

“But did you want it?” he asks. Kurenai crosses her legs, looking out the window.

“I did.” The truth is right there. Asuma is a lot of things but he isn’t stupid. He knows how Kurenai looks at Raidou.

“Do you ever wish things had been that way?” he asks. Kurenai doesn’t reach out for him or try to provide any comfort. She runs her tongue over the outside of her top teeth, keeping her mouth closed.

“I only want it because it didn’t happen,” she says, crossing her arms.

“You know,” Asuma drawls, “if you change your mind, I would prefer to know now rather than later.” She frowns.

“What does that mean?” she sighs. This conversation is heavy. It is also the least she deserves. _I fucked Raidou four times_. Not once, has she felt any guilt for cheating on Asuma. If Raidou weren’t her soulmate, she would feel differently. But he’s special, and she told him that he could do whatever he wants to her, so in a sick way, she thinks it frees her from any wrongdoing.

“It means I’m not holding you down,” Asuma shrugs, “and I don’t want my time wasted. If Raidou is the guy, he’s the guy. You told me you would always choose me, but I want to let you know that you will always have a choice.”

“Are you trying to break up with me?” she asks. Asuma shrugs.

“I’m trying to let you know, in the most diplomatic way possible, that you aren’t subtle.” He sighs, giving up on rolling the cigarette in his hand. The tobacco gets all over the kitchen table.

“What does that mean?” she asks. Asuma makes a noise in the back of his throat, because she is going to sit there and make him say it.

“It means that I think we should take a break.” He stands up, brushing the spilt tobacco onto his palm. “Two weeks apart. We’ll see if we still feel the same way after.” Asuma dumps the nicotine back into the bag and looks up at Kurenai. She nods.

“Two weeks.” She says, “I don’t expect you to stare at a wall the whole time.” Asuma smirks.

“You’re not the only one who looks around,” he shrugs, tucking the tobacco back into his pocket. He doesn’t look sad, but a little wilted. Kurenai watches him walk out the door. Asuma, in so many ways, is objectively a good person. _You deserve so much more_.

But what we deserve isn’t always what we get. It isn’t enough that Asuma is better. He will never be as epic as Raidou.

**

Choices matter. It’s not enough for someone to say something; they have to follow it up with action. Love isn’t something you say, it is something you do. _I love you, Raidou_. It keeps him up at night, the fact that Kurenai can say it, but that she never follows through. She stays with Asuma. She presumably tells him that she loves him. At least she respects Raidou’s wish for her to stay away, but that is about it.

He tells himself that the sex they had, ultimately means nothing. It didn’t change anything for either of them. She is still in love with Asuma. She caught Raidou’s eye at that party and blinked, and when she came back her eyes were rimmed in red. He wanted to go up and ask her what’s wrong. He wanted to lick her face. He wanted to hold her close. But the things you want aren’t necessarily the things you get.

Yuugao is slumped against him, her head on his lap. He is playing with her hair while she watches a movie. It’s a foreign film, the kind that Raidou doesn’t understand. He looks down at the side of her face, the way her cheekbone rises under her skin. Raidou has a choice to make, and to him, the answer is obvious. He doesn’t want to hurt anymore. Like an animal with its paw caught in a trap, he resolves to chew himself free.

Looking at Yuugao, he thinks of everything he and Kurenai have been through. How much she means to him. Her sleep voice, her fascination with gross things, the crescent shaped scar inside her thigh. The way her body, not her bodywash, smells. The way she held him, for all this time, in her mouth. He tells himself that’s why he hasn’t been able to free himself of her sooner. Some piece of him was in her, as hers was in him, and the sex purged it. They are whole again. Free to be with other people now.

He doesn’t want to cry, but it does make him incredibly sad to lose her. Raidou knows, in an abstract way, that he has a problem with grieving. He didn’t mourn his parents, he shoved all his bad feelings about his brother into Kurenai, and he isn’t able to admit to himself that it’s really over with her. Like, he says it in his head, but a little, delusional voice says “no, it can’t be.” But it has to be. He can’t live this way anymore.

“Do you ever wonder what we lose in the translation of things?” Yuugao asks. Raidou frowns.

“You mean the subtitles?”

“Yes,” she rolls her head to look up at him. “Like, you can’t just switch out words for the other. There is connotation, the fact that there are, inevitably, words that do not exist in Japanese that exist in English and vice versa. That’s just the subtitles.” She sighs, “don’t get me started on dubs. Either they butcher the meaning, or they translate it literally with no consideration for the fact that the words don’t match the way that the character’s mouths move.” Raidou smiles.

“So, this is why you insist on subtitles?” he asks. Yuugao smiles and nods. She sits up and kisses him, just because she cares. “Want to make out?”

“Okay,” she sighs, “but you need to pause the movie.” Raidou smiles and hits the button on the remote as she climbs onto him. Yuugao takes her face in his hands, looking at him with a dreamy expression on her face.

“What?” he asks. She smiles, coming to.

“Just you.” She presses her mouth to his, wrapping her arms around his neck. Something in her rises, and she recognizes the feeling: love. She presses herself closer to him. Raidou takes her hips in his hands and presses his thumbs into the soft flesh along the ridges of her pelvis.

“Ouch,” she sighs.

“Sorry,” he replies.

“Don’t be,” she says into his mouth. The feeling swells inside her chest. For all she cares, he could press his thumbs into all her soft spots, and she would still be happy.

She pulls away, looking at him for a minute. Yuugao wonders if it is too soon. Raidou knows, as soon as he registers the tender look in her eyes and the softening of her face, what she is going to say to him. He feels it, in his heart. Choices matter, and love is a verb, not a noun. The opportunity is here. He just needs to take it.

The choice is right here, and so is his future.

With an astonishing clarity, he recognizes the feeling inside him. It’s different from what it is with Kurenai, but it exists with Yuugao. It unfurls itself, like a fern, and all he has to do is protect it. From his tendency to self-destruct, from his feelings for Kurenai, in all honesty, Kurenai herself. It’s growing inside him, and in that moment, he realizes he has to tell Yuugao. He makes his choice when he opens his mouth to speak.

“Yuugao,” he swallows, “I love you.” He presses his mouth closed after. He isn’t going to look at Kurenai anymore. He, for once in his miserable life, will choose peace, even though it will be hard. He is going to finally try and accept that he is a being that is capable of giving and receiving love. Raidou has made his choice: he wants to be here and make it work with Yuugao. Part of that is telling her how he feels.

Yuugao grins with all her teeth. “I love you too.” She presses her mouth to his, and he sighs, letting her in. “I love you a lot, actually,” she sighs. Raidou pulls back.

“A lot?”

“Oceans’ worth.” It’s the most poetic thing she has ever said to him. He could get drunk on oceans of her love for him.

“I was hoping for only a little,” he teases. Yuugao pouts.

“You deserve more than a little,” she replies, “I’ll get naked and show you how much I love you.” Yuugao slides off of his lap, standing before him. She takes off her shirt and unhooks her bra, revealing the nipple ring she got when she was eighteen. She unzips her pants and pushes them down, standing before Raidou, completely naked.

He’s used to women dropping their pants for him, but he will never be used to Yuugao doing it. It’s kind of surreal, knowing with certainty, that he gets to commit himself to her. _Figures that the mother of my children would have nipple ring._ He smiles at the thought; he’s never really thought about intending to have children. Usually, he treated the idea as an _if_ not a _when_. She scrambles back onto his lap and kisses him, deep. He wraps his arms around her, smiling into her mouth.

“I should stand up,” he says. Yuugao shakes her head.

“Nope,” she replies, kissing him. He frowns.

“How am I going to undress?” he pouts. Yuugao smiles, cupping his cheek with her hand.

“I want you to keep your clothes on,” she says. This does not appease him.

“But I like how your skin feels on mine,” he whines, making her giggle. She kisses his jaw as he pulls her closer.

“I want to feel like I’m servicing you,” she hums, “I’m really, really into the idea of you being the boss, and so in control that you don’t have to get naked.” Yuugao looks into his eyes. “I want to be your animal.” Raidou blinks. Kurenai has said more desperate, filthy things to him, but Yuugao doesn’t normally speak like this to him. He likes it, coming from her. There is a sense of restraint that makes his tummy tighten.

“Servicing me,” he smiles, “being my animal. I should have told you that I’m in love a long time ago.” Yuugao smiles. “Although,” he says, “I bet you got it from one of your dumb books.” Yuugao opens and closes her mouth like a goldfish, and Raidou smiles. “So, you did read it in a book?”

“They aren’t dumb!” Yuugao retorts, collecting herself. She pushes up and Raidou grips her waist. She gives him a grumpy look, and he smiles.

“Hey,” he says in a low voice, “show me why they aren’t dumb.” He kisses her chin and she sighs.

“Only because you asked.” She straightens herself out, sitting up tall. She kisses him again, softly. She reaches down between them, unzipping his pants and pulling him out.

“Say something bossy,” she mumbles into his lip.

“I thought you were going to let me sit back while you do all the work.” He kisses her sternum and she smiles.

“C’mon, you can be a little more creative than that.”

“We’re not reinventing the wheel, Yuugao.” He sighs as she lines them up. “How about this: be a good animal and hop on my dick.” He laughs at the expression on her face. “What did you want me to say?”

“Well, you were never a creative guy,” Yuugao sighs, sliding him in before he can respond. Raidou makes a soft noise in the back of his throat and thrusts up, making her moan. He wraps his arms around her, looking up as she looks down. He isn’t naked but he feels exposed.

There are a lot of different reasons people have sex, but most of them boil down to feeling connected to another human being. Yuugao sighs each time Raidou thrusts against the roll of her hips, and not for the first time, she thinks about how right it is that they are together. She likes how his uniform rubs against her, that she gets to feel like she is with an important man.

“Raidou,” she says, “want to know more about the book?”

“Fuck, I want to know everything,” he sighs, pushing up, up, up.

“Well,” she pants, “it’s about this nurse who falls in love with this soldier, and one night, he comes into her tent and just takes her on his lap and does her like this, with a lamp on, and everyone sees that she is his,” Yuugao breathes this all out in a hum, and Raidou feels his tummy tighten. He presses a hand into the small of her back.

“You want me to fuck you like this in front of everyone?” he rasps, moving faster. “Because I’ll do it.” This feels so good, he would maybe even do it in front of Kurenai. It’s still a big maybe, though. Yuugao yips, but he doesn’t slow down. She’s grateful. _Make me your animal_. She kisses him through the up-downs and the rolls, and it is so good it hurts a little. She moans when he asks her again, _is this what you want?_ This is all she ever wants.

Yuugao has always been a good girl, but with Raidou, she wants to be a little bad. With Hayate, it was all soft and tender, even when it was rough. But there is an edge of desperation, hunger, to her time with Raidou that makes him special. She thinks that, if it were possible, they could go like this forever. She clenches a little bit, making him groan. “Fuck,” he grunts, “ _Yuugao_.” She sighs in response, kissing him deep.

Coming up from below, he gives it everything he has, and when she cries against him, he allows himself to relax. It’s over. He slumps back, panting, looking up at her. This dumb smile spreads across his face.

“Hey,” he says.

“What?” she grins.

“We’re in love.” He says, pulling her towards him. She shrieks. He kisses her with an open mouth. A choice followed by an action. Love.

**

_Kurenai can see the same wrinkle beginning to form under the silk of her forehead that her mother has over her brow. She is cutting up vegetables while her mother soaks the rice. She watches her mom fill the bowl of rice with water, soaking the edge of the bottom of her silk blouse. Kurenai is sixteen, and she can’t feel more different from her mother. She looks at this woman, who she both does and doesn’t look like, and doesn’t understand how she ever could have come out of her._

_Forty weeks, slumbering in that abdomen. Her mother is only 37 but she looks absolutely spent. Between life as a ninja and becoming a mother so young and retiring into the irrelevance of a housewife, her mother’s body is all slack. Her mom had been a prodigy. She had been a jounin, but her muscles have shrunk, and her arms are soft. Her tummy sticks out, and there are fine, purple veins on her legs. She has a grey streak that begins at the top of her head, swooping down to cradle her face._

_Kurenai stares at her mother’s stomach, thinking about the abortion she got a year ago. She sets down the knife and starts to chew her thumb nail. She can’t imagine ever being pregnant, and while she had stuck it out for nine weeks, pretty much a quarter of the way to a whole baby, Kurenai would never say she was really pregnant._

_“You’re staring, Kurenai.” Her mother doesn’t bother to look up as she turns off the tap. Kurenai doesn’t respond, instead, picking up her knife and returning to the cutting board. She hears her mother sigh._

_“You never talk to me anymore.” Her mother lifts the bowl out of the sink, putting it on the counter. Her mother is now looking right at her, giving her that inscrutable look._

_“We talk everyday I’m home, mother.” Kurenai has been assigned longer and more challenging missions more frequently. She is well on her way to becoming the best genjutsu user in the village. Becoming a mother would have taken her out of the game at her prime. Like she did to her own mother._

_“You don’t tell me anything.” Her mother’s arms are crossed, and Kurenai wonders if she too, will have to wear glasses one day._

_“Perhaps there is nothing to tell.” Kurenai puts a piece of spring onion into her mouth, making her mouth pucker._

_“I was your age too, once.” Kurenai scoffs._

_“I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t there.” It’s surly, sharp like the tang of the green pulp in the middle of her tongue. Her mother’s eyes narrow, and Kurenai sees a glimmer of the ex-ninja. She smirks with the cruelty that strikes adolescents when they can see the absolute truth of their parents but can’t yet empathize with them. Her mother glowers at her, as if she could read Kurenai’s mind._

_“You don’t think I dyed my hair ugly colours or wore short skirts or spent all my time with boys?” Kurenai, ever her mother’s daughter, levels a glare._

_“Is that all you think I am?” Kurenai crosses her arms, “a girl with ugly hair and trampy clothes and wolves snapping at her heels?”_

_“No. I think you are a girl who thinks she knows it all, but who has forgotten she is only sixteen.” Kurenai frowns. She is a shinobi and her mother is the one who decided the academy should teach her the ways of the world._

_“Well, mother, what do I need to know?” Kurenai rolls over, deciding to accept the life lesson. Her mother looks at her for a few seconds. Briefly, Kurenai wonders if she knows about last year. Her lower abdomen clenches, and if her mother notices she says nothing._

_“You stopped seeing that boy in the village a year ago.” Her mother never bothers to learn her boyfriends’ names. Kurenai supposes blatant disregard is what all three of them had deserved, in the end._

_“Your point?”_

_“So, are you seeing Raidou now?” Kurenai is surprised, because she isn’t sure what her mother is angling at._

_“We are just friends, ma.” Kurenai crosses her arms and looks down. She rubs her hands against her upper arms. Her mother’s expression softens, but she doesn’t reach out to Kurenai. Kurenai is too old for hugs from her mom._

_“You will outgrow friendship, and he will break your heart.” Her mother looks her in the eye, and Kurenai wants to be angry. But her mother is acknowledging her as a woman for the first time, so Kurenai tries to act like one._

_But Kurenai is certain of two things in this world: that Raidou is her best friend and that he would never break her heart._

_“He would never hurt me,” her voice is quiet, but a snarl curls around her tone._

_“That is how these things go. Someone’s heart has to break,” her mother sighs._

_“We aren’t one of those things. He is special to me.” Special doesn’t begin to cover it. Raidou is like the woodlands, teeming with life and pine, with an undercurrent of citrus. The place where his neck and shoulder meet are where he smells the most like himself. He helped her dye her hair. He drove her to the clinic. He watches over her when she misses curfew and on missions._

_Kurenai is sixteen and she can admit that she doesn’t know much about the world. But she is certain that Raidou is her soulmate. She’s known since she was little, but she would say that she only properly fell in love with him last year. She hasn’t told him, because he is older and doesn’t see her that way, but it only makes her like him more. His disinterest means he is an actual good guy._

_“He’s been a good friend to you,” her mother smiles, “but that doesn’t mean he won’t hurt you. Knowing you two, it won’t be on purpose.”_

_“So why do you keep talking about us like it will happen? Men and women can be friends.” Kurenai frowns. Her mother’s expression becomes even softer._

_“Can you honestly tell me that he is just your friend?” Kurenai huffs and turns her back on her mother. Her mother doesn’t say anything, but she sighs and goes to the living room._

_**_

More often than not, Raidou wakes up thinking about his brother. He doesn’t really know how it started, but a week ago, he would find himself waking up to Yuugao’s shoulder or his old pillow and think of his brother. Like, he wakes up and his first thought isn’t an incoherent blink and _eugh_ ; rather, a fully formed picture of his brother sits in the front of his mind, right between his eyes.

Turning away from Kurenai is the right thing to do. Raidou has chosen Yuugao, and he is in love with her, in a way, but it can’t thrive if Kurenai is allowed to stalk around. _Boundaries_ , his brother says in his mind, _you never know when to say no_. His brother was a master at mindfulness. He could effortlessly acknowledge an uncomfortable feeling and let it float away. Raidou isn’t an impulsive person, or at least, before all this fucked up shit with Kurenai, he didn’t think so. Perhaps, he is just impulsive with Kurenai. He thinks back on their relationship, and it all happened on impulse. The beginning, the middle, the end. All intense emotions that, at the time, Raidou and Kurenai agreed needed to be acted upon immediately.

But what if they had let all those big feelings pass? At the time, it felt right to get caught up in the moment, to lose himself in Kurenai. However, Raidou is beginning to think that he would rather not have had sex with Kurenai. It’s compromising. He stares up at his ceiling, stretching his arm out to where Yuugao sleeps beside him. She snores, sometimes, but he finds it comforting. Raidou doesn’t think he will ever be able to tell Yuugao. He runs it over in his head, whether he should tell her or not. Is it worth blowing up their relationship, when (a) it isn’t going to happen again and (b) his integrity comes at the cost of her ability to trust?

He asked Genma and Kakashi the other night. They had looked at each other, not saying anything. It made Raidou incredibly nervous. Finally, Kakashi said that it depends on what he values more: happiness or the moral high ground of doing the right thing. Raidou knows the answer: he desperately craves happiness.

He sighs and sits up. If his brother were alive, he would tell him to stop being such a coward. _You act like a passenger in your own life_. His brother always told him to stop being so passive-aggressive _. If you don’t go after what you want, you have no right to complain_. Raidou rubs his face. _Why the fuck are you haunting me now?_ It feels like the past ten years have been a streak of bad decisions. Raidou has spent the better part of that time avoiding his brother’s nagging voice in his head, but it has become unignorable. He wants to talk about his brother, in hopes that he can figure out why he keeps thinking of him.

Raidou looks at his phone, frowning. There are only two people who know his brother like he does. There is Himself, and his relationship with Raidou is built on mutual avoidance. Then, there is Kurenai _. I love you, Raidou_. He groans, lying back down on the bed. If they really loved each other, they wouldn’t hurt each other.

But she is his family, all he has left. Raidou sits up and crawls to the end of the bed, picking up the phone. He knows her number by heart, and he feels nauseous, waiting for her to pick up.

“Hello?” Kurenai answers.

“Hi,” he replies. He hears her exhale, and it makes something in him shift.

“I need to visit my brother,” he says. They are past the point of banal pleasantries. He can get straight to the point.

“Okay,” she says, “how about today?”

“Sounds good,” he replies, “I’ll come get you.”

“No,” she says, “I’ll stop by Yamanaka Flowers first, and I’ll come get you in an hour. Does that work?” Raidou smiles to himself. Kurenai, when she really feels like it, takes care of him.

“That sounds perfect.” He rubs his forehead. Kurenai smiles on her end, cradling the phone as she pours herself a cup of coffee.

“You sound like you just woke up.” Her voice is gentle. It makes something in his heart clench. He misses her tenderness. It made him feel special.

“I did,” he pauses. “do you want to go get breakfast after?” Kurenai smiles.

“ _That_ sounds perfect.” Raidou laughs, and Kurenai feels glow-y. She hangs up shortly after and resolves to buy the nicest flowers she can find.

**

Raidou frowns at the flowers Kurenai holds in her arms. They are standing in front of his brother’s grave, and he can’t help but feel like her choice was strange.

“He didn’t like pink,” Raidou says. Kurenai turns and blinks at him.

“Peonies represent honour, compassion, both things he possessed in spades,” she replies. “They are pretty.” Her tone is defensive. “If you don’t like them, too bad.” She kneels down and puts them over the grave. Raidou puffs his cheeks and looks up at the sky.

“He’s haunting me,” Raidou says.

“It’s because we stopped having sex,” Kurenai says. Raidou snorts.

“I see what you did there,” he replies, “clever.” Kurenai grins at him.

“Why do you think he’s haunting you?” she asks. Raidou looks down at her, a thoughtful look on his face. He has a clear thinking face too. He just doesn’t look like he is in pain, unlike Asuma. He presses his lips together, almost like a pout.

He exhales, big, and his shoulders drop. “I just wake up, and his face is there.” He pauses, not sure how to say this. “I think he is trying to tell me to stop thinking with my dick.” Kurenai sees an opening, and her stomach lining bubbles. _I choose you_. It’s all she has to say. She turns back and fiddles with the flowers, fluffing them up.

“It’s not just your dick,” Kurenai says, “it’s your heart too. At least, that’s what I think. We wouldn’t feel so split if it were just about fucking.” Kurenai stands up and looks up at him.

“You’re right,” Raidou says. They look at each other, silent, until Raidou clears his throat. “I met Yuugao at the memorial stone. I went to talk to my brother then.” He kicks his toes against the ground. “He kind of brought us together.” Kurenai feels her throat constrict, and she turns away.

“Oh?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Raidou says, “I think he wants me to take some responsibility and initiative in my relationships.”

“What does that mean?” Kurenai asks. _I choose you. I choose you. I choose you_.

“It means…” Raidou trails off. “It means Yuugao and I are getting serious.” He turns away from Kurenai, so he doesn’t have to see her face. She has a tendency to yank, hard, on the emotional chain between them when he talks about moving on. “It’s her,” he says.

He feels lighter for admitting it. Like, a big weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He turns to look at Kurenai, who looks glum. Raidou doesn’t reach out to comfort her. Rather, he tucks his hands into his pockets and offers her a small smile.

“We’re happy, right?” he asks in a small voice. Kurenai wants to say _no, and I will never be happy again_ , but she realizes that he thinks she and Asuma’s relationship is still a definite thing. She has two choices: try and respect Raidou’s choice or make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she is _ready_ for him. He chose Yuugao because he didn’t think she was an option. Kurenai refuses to believe otherwise. She doesn’t want to concede victory to Yuugao. Kurenai wants to have exclusive rights to Raidou. He is hers.

But as she looks at him, and the hope in his eyes, Kurenai realizes that he has already made his choice. Perhaps it was already made when he told her that he needed space. There is nothing to concede to Yuugao. She has already won. Kurenai swallows and turns away from Raidou. She knew it when she saw his hand on Yuugao’s thigh. It makes her feel bitter. Like all her organs are black and rotting, ready to fall through her pelvis and onto the ground.

“We’re happy,” she smiles, her tone bright and cheery. In truth, Raidou isn’t convinced, but he chooses to believe that Kurenai wouldn’t lie to him, not about this. But she lies to Asuma, so who’s to say she wouldn’t lie to him? Raidou looks up to the sky, wondering what his brother would think. Probably _you two are fucking stupid_.

**

They sit across from each other in the diner, picking at their food. Kurenai doesn’t have much to say, and Raidou is feeling tired. Kurenai watches him move his eggs around his plate, frowning. _That hand was on Yuugao’s thigh_. Presumably, other parts too. Kurenai pokes her waffle, staring at his hand. She wonders if Raidou ever felt this way about her hands. They have been all over Asuma. She wonders if seeing her hand on Asuma bothered Raidou at all.

She wants to know if he has ever felt as bad as she does. Kurenai isn’t proud, but it would make her feel good to know that it hurts him as much as it hurts her. “Do you ever wonder what our lives would be like if we had gotten together instead?” Raidou looks up at her, blinking.

“It feels a little early to be asking that kind of question.” He replies. Kurenai rests her elbow on the table and puts her chin on her palm. Raidou wants to snap at her to not touch her face. He doesn’t know where the impulse comes from. Maybe it’s because he knows she is about to cause a scene. She has that glimmer in her eyes.

“I was just wondering what you think this year would be like,” she asks, “if it were you and me.” Raidou stuffs a bit of egg in his mouth and chews, thinking about how he would like to answer.

“It would probably have been like the previous nine.” He answers diplomatically. Kurenai frowns.

“Did you like how it was between us?” she asks. The tendon in Raidou’s neck rises. He can feel it tense.

“I did.” It’s the truth. Their relationship had been easy. The sex was great. They know each other on a granular level that he will never achieve with anyone else. She is a part of his soul, his being. Of course, he was happy with her.

“Oh,” she nods, not really agreeing but just to bob her head. “I didn’t much care for it, at the end.” Raidou sighs.

“Well, it’s over,” he shrugs. “You can move on now.” He does a good job of not sounding bitter. He isn’t, not really. Things happened, it’s too late to change it now, so here they are. Kurenai clenches her thighs and looks down at her plate.

“I feel like I’m going to throw up,” she says. Raidou looks at her with concern.

“Are you sick?” he asks.

“Yes,” she says, looking up at him. “I am a sick and twisted individual.” He tilts his head to the side and thinks about her reaction to his earlier question. _You were lying_.

“You’re not happy, are you?” he asks. Kurenai blinks at him, before her face twists.

“How could I be, Raidou?” she asks. He looks around the restaurant, preparing himself for Hurricane Kurenai.

“Well, you like your genin, you outrank me and Genma both, you are in a solid relationship with a guy who loves you,” Raidou says. He is using a soft voice, as if that could diffuse her anger. Kurenai frowns.

“We don’t spend any time together,” she sighs, “not like we used to.” Raidou doesn’t immediately answer. Instead, he looks at the table.

“Kurenai,” he says, “you can’t have it both ways. I can’t be available like that anymore…”

“Raidou,” she sighs, but he puts up a hand.

“Kurenai,” he replies, “I have to say this, and I’ve been meaning to say this for a while. I’m with Yuugao now. I chose her, and I would appreciate it if you could accept that. I wasn’t great with you and Asuma, and I really regret it. I want us to be better, and that means respecting the fact that we are in relationships with other people.” Raidou swallows. “I want to share everything with her, Kurenai.” _Please don’t take that away too_. Kurenai’s jaw clenches, and she throws her hair over her shoulder.

Raidou feels very alone without Kurenai. He wants to be close to her once again, but that requires a few basic boundaries. He can tell that she isn’t going to take this well, but they don’t have a choice. She forced his hand. He feels like his brother connected him and Yuugao, but he would never have entertained her if he and Kurenai were still together.

“We’re here because of you,” he sighs. Kurenai makes a huffing noise in response.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asks. He shrugs.

“It means what it means,” he replies, “we’re here because you chose Asuma.”

“I am so tired of this,” she replies, “you always blame me.”

“I’m not blaming you,” he says, defensive. “I am just reminding you that we are here because of your decisions.”

“Bullshit,” Kurenai hisses. “Are you forgetting why I chose Asuma?” Raidou rolls his eyes and sits back.

“Oh, I’m sure if you give me a second, I can think of his attractive qualities,” he replies. Kurenai puffs her cheeks. “What? He’s not as pretty as Yuugao.”

“Is this a joke to you?”

“Is what a joke to me?” he replies, “I don’t really understand what you’re saying.”

“I am tired of being the person you blame for things ending,” Kurenai says, “I refuse to believe that you didn’t know that I wanted more.”

“I knew you wanted more in the general sense of the word,” Raidou replies, “but I didn’t know that you wanted more from me, specifically.” Kurenai makes a frustrated noise.

“You always act like not making a decision isn’t a decision,” she says, “but you’re wrong. We are here because of your inaction just as much as the choice I made. I am tired of you putting all of this on me.” She crosses her arms, and Raidou can tell, in the bottom of his soul, that this isn’t going to end neatly.

“Look, I don’t want to fight with you…”

“We’re not fighting,” she hisses. He rubs his face with his hand, irritated.

“So, we’re not fighting but you are hissing at me and yelling at me.” He deadpans.

“I’m not yelling,” Kurenai says, “I am merely observing your tendency to make me responsible for everything in our relationship.”

“Why are you doing this _now_?” he asks.

“Because you don’t listen to me when I speak nicely!” Kurenai’s voice is sharp. “We made the decision to have sex together.”

“And you chose Asuma yourself,” he retorts. Kurenai’s face screws up, and Raidou sticks out his lower lip. “I can’t believe this.” He sighs.

“What can’t you believe?”

“That I have told Yuugao that I’m in love with her, and yet here I am, fighting with you like you’re my girlfriend.” He groans, “for fuckssakes, Kurenai, I’m not your boyfriend. Don’t sit there and have an attitude with me, as if your feelings are my problem.” He rubs the back of his head and doesn’t blink at the viperous look in Kurenai’s eyes.

“Fuck you,” she shoots back. Raidou rolls his eyes, standing up and reaching into his pocket for his wallet. He pulls out a few bills and throws them onto the table. “What are you doing?”

“Paying for my breakfast,” he replies.

“We aren’t finished.” She sulks. Raidou frowns.

“I am. Call me when you’re done acting like a baby.” If he weren’t so mad, he would laugh at the vein popping in the middle of her forehead.

“Having feelings that you don’t like, that are a direct result of your behavior, and then expressing them to you doesn’t make me a baby.” She huffs, scowling.

“You are literally having a tantrum.” He replies.

“Am not!” She retorts.

“Are to!” He leans down, sticking his face right in hers.

“Then go,” she replies, “run away, because that is what you do to me.” Raidou doesn’t bother replying. He stands up and walks away.

**

Raidou has grown to hate parties. He likes his friends, sure, but it is nothing but fuckery when they all try to spend time together. He is in a mood, frowning. He sees Kurenai in the corner, wearing a mini skirt and a white blouse with bell sleeves. She is wearing one of her skimpy bras. He can tell by the way her breasts sit on her chest. He wishes he didn’t know. Her hair is pulled up in a high ponytail. She never wears her hair that way. It makes her look younger than she is.

Her arms are crossed, and she keeps glowering at him. He cannot imagine what offense he has caused, beyond having sex with her when they were supposed to be in love with other people and trying to set up healthy boundaries in their relationship. _Calling her a baby probably didn’t help_. He narrows his eyes at her, just to see if she is still mad at him. Her lower lip sticks out, and she flat out glares at him. _Great_ , he thinks.

Yuugao is on a mission, and Asuma is with his brother tonight. There is no buffer, or reason to behave nicely. Genma keeps giving Raidou a funny look, and Anko and Kakashi are determined to keep Kurenai on their side of the room. Aoba and Tenzo are hovering in the middle of the room, with Shizune. Guy keeps trying to engage Raidou in conversation about different strength training regimens.

But Kurenai and Raidou can’t stop looking at each other, and everyone can tell that it will boil over.

Kurenai hasn’t forgive Raidou for bringing Yuugao around. How can he bring her around when he and Kurenai still don’t know how to be different people? It’s a slap in the face. Kurenai has been stewing over this since she saw Raidou’s hand on Yuugao’s thigh months ago. It’s just with the mix of alcohol and the absence of Yuugao and Asuma, Kurenai feels like she can express her true feelings. Judging from Raidou’s face, the same thing is on his mind.

When she is in this kind of angry mood, Kurenai likes to face the feeling directly. It makes her feel alive. Raidou prefers to brood, letting his anger build and build until it can no longer be contained. Her jaw ticks. She wants him to completely lose it on her, so she can make him hurt. The thing about anger is that it comes with a distinct rush that is close to euphoria. Kurenai has been angry for months. She is ready to let her anger speak.

They are at Aoba’s house. It’s an actual house, with a backyard. It’s on the edge of town, but he keeps a few chickens and a sweet dog. They are in the backroom, overlooking the yard. It’s dark, so the chickens have settled in for the evening, and there is a fridge full of beer to drink. Kurenai is on beer two, on the edge between tipsy and drunk. The perfect time to make decisions you’ll regret later. Raidou steps into the kitchen to grab another beer, and Kurenai stomps after him. Everyone looks at the door, and at each other.

“Here we go,” Kakashi says. Shizune sips her beer, and Genma goes to the stereo, turning the music up. _Sometimes I wonder if the world’s so small/ that we can never get away from the sprawl_.

Raidou has his head in the fridge when Kurenai gets to the kitchen. There are some dishes in the sink, and open chip bags are on the counter. The music pulses from the other room. _Living in the sprawl/ dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains/ and there’s no end in sight/ I need the darkness someone please cut the lights_.

She sees his silver rings on his pinkie and ring fingers. They twinkle in the shitty lighting of Aoba’s kitchen. He wears his brother’s set on his left hand. A ring for chunnin and jounin. Kurenai sets her beer down on the counter, loudly. Raidou looks up from the door of the fridge, frowning.

“Kurenai.” He says her name in the gravelly voice that usually makes her melt. It stokes her arousal, but the kind that is out for blood.

“Raidou.” She says. “Where is Yuugao?” Raidou blinks, trying to figure out the nature of the trap.

“Work.” He shrugs. Raidou knows Kurenai will have to show him the trap to spring it, and if he works fast enough, he can avoid it altogether.

The thing Raidou doesn’t know is that the steering wheel of his brother’s car is still carved in Kurenai’s back, and that the sight of his hand on Yuugao after he touched Kurenai seared something in her soul. Kurenai crosses her arms and pops her hip out, and Raidou sighs. Maybe he won’t get out of this one. At this point, _whatever_.

“How is she doing?” Kurenai asks in a faux polite tone. She restrains herself from referring to Yuugao as a child bride. Progress, you know. Raidou takes a beer out of the fridge and closes the door. He uses his teeth to open the bottle, something he know disgusts Kurenai. “You’re only ruining your own teeth,” she says. “You’re not putting me out.”

Raidou throws the cap onto the counter. “It was efficient. It wasn’t for you.” Raidou sips his beer.

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“You are looking for a reason to be mad.” Raidou replies, “you don’t give a shit about Yuugao.” Kurenai relaxes in the face of his hostility.

“Why would I ask if I don’t care?” she replies.

“Because you like to be thorough when you destroy lives.” Raidou drawls. Kurenai picks her beer up to sip. She debates throwing it at his head. It would feel really good.

“I don’t want to destroy your life.” She replies. “I just don’t think Yuugao is good enough for you.” Kurenai sips her drink, while Raidou glares at her.

“Good thing you don’t get to decide that for me.” Raidou’s hand tightens his grip on his beer.

“You don’t want to know why?” Kurenai asks.

“No, although I doubt I have a real choice.” Raidou looks at her. “Do you really want to do this here, Kurenai?”

Appealing to reason isn’t enough when your nine-year relationship still haunts a year later. “She doesn’t deserve you.”

“And you do?” Raidou asks, the tendon in his neck rising. “After all the pain and chaos you have caused?” Kurenai bites her cheek lining. Right now, she is incapable of seeing how anyone else is more hurt than she is. He told her to go, and then when she did, he made it clear that she could never come back…and then he kisses her? And has sex with her, four times? But then trots Yuugao around like she matters. As if whatever moves between them could ever measure up to what he shares with Kurenai. It’s an insult.

“She doesn’t love you, and she never will.” _Not like I do_. Anything less isn’t worth it. Her love for him ought to be how he measures the depth at which people care for him. Kurenai crosses her arms. Raidou looks over her shoulder, to see Kakashi hanging by the doorway. He glares, but he supposes there ought to be one witness.

“Why is that?” Raidou asks, tasting the bile rise in his throat.

“Because she is using you as a placeholder for Hayate.” Kurenai states. She knows how to simultaneously go for the jugular and the carotid. Raidou looks like he has been slapped in the face.

“Take that back.” It’s the first thing that pops out of his mouth. No witty one-liner or punch back. It’s his nightmare, really. That Yuugao may not actually love him but is merely looking for a replacement. His heart couldn’t take another blow. Not right now.

“Do you think I’m unlovable?” Raidou asks quietly. Kurenai shakes her head.

“I love you.” She says. He laughs at that.

“Is this how you show it? Coming to a party and undermining my relationship with my girlfriend?” Raidou’s voice rises, and he hears someone turn the music up. They keep playing the same song. _We rode our bikes to the nearest park/ sat under the swings, we kissed in the dark_.

There is a moment before you do something monstrous, where you think that you are doing a holy act. It’s how anger takes you by the throat.

“Is it a relationship if you’re fucking me every chance you get?” Kurenai asks. Raidou stalks right up to her, slamming his glass down onto the counter.

“That is not how I remember it.” He whispers. “ _You_ wanted to fuck _me_. What gives you the impression that I enjoy cheating on Yuugao? That I _like_ how I feel for you?” Raidou raises his voice. Kurenai wants him to hurt her. It will show her that he still cares. It’s perverse and toxic, but it’s what they have been reduced to. “Have you told Asuma about us?”

“No.”

“Are you planning on it?”

“No,” Kurenai replies.

“Are you questioning your relationship with him?”

“Why would I?” she asks. Kurenai refuses to admit to Raidou that she and Asuma are on a break. He would ask why, and well, they would end up in the same place. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“So apparently you hitting me up for sex is supposed to make me dump Yuugao, but the fact that Asuma clearly can’t fuck you the right way isn’t a problem?” Raidou towers over her, and Kurenai glares right into his soul. She has no comeback for that one. She loves Asuma, and he is good. He just isn’t Raidou.

“You come back to me.” Kurenai hisses. “You don’t have to.”

“Well _shit_ , Kurenai,” Raidou’s hands are on his hips. “I guess I am just a placeholder for everyone, and I am too stupid to learn my fucking lesson.”

“That’s not what I said!” Kurenai steps close, so that she is pressed against him. It is a perversion of their embrace.

“I am so tired of listening to the ways in which you justify having sex with me while being in a relationship with Asuma, and then being jealous when I do the same thing!” Raidou yells. “Why are you even mad? What set this off?” Raidou’s voice drops. “Be honest with me.” _Mountains beyond mountains._

Kurenai swallows. She feels the sting of tears. “It’s because you put your hand on her thigh at parties.” Kurenai looks away and bite her lip as Raidou steps back.

“ _That_?” Raidou rubs his head. “You’re mad because I put my hand on my girlfriend’s thigh?” Kurenai begins to cry. This only makes Raidou angrier, and he takes another step back. “You are crying because you cornered me at a party and said horrible things to me because I touched my girlfriend’s thigh at parties. While you have, presumably, been happy enough in your current relationship to never question it.” Raidou feels like he is going to throw up. Kurenai presses her face into her hands, and Raidou lets out a cold laugh.

“You want to know what I see when I look at you? What I really think about when I think about having sex with you?” Raidou asks. Kurenai doesn’t want to know, but she wants him to yell at her. It’s what she deserves. “I see all the things that I cannot share with Yuugao. All the music we listen to, all the memories of my brother, pictures, clothes, books—you have touched every part of me. There are parts of myself I can’t share with the woman I love because of you. You are everywhere!” Raidou exclaims. “You have taken parts of me that I can never get back, things that Yuugao deserves. I have to look her in the eye and act like I am this stand-up guy when in reality, I am a weakling who runs back to you as soon as you call for me. You make me weak. You ask me to compromise myself, knowing that I will! What you are doing to me isn’t love, it is _cruelty_.” Raidou is close to crying. He bites his lip and runs his hand through his hair. “Are you even a little sorry?”

Raidou looks at Kurenai, who swallows. She looks in his eyes and shakes her head. “I’m not sorry.” She says quietly. “Not even a little bit.” Raidou feels the bile rise in his throat.

“Why?” he asks.

“You told me to go!” Kurenai yells.

“Don’t turn this back on me!” Raidou fires back. “You were going to do whatever you wanted.”

“No, I wasn’t!” Kurenai screams. “I wanted you. I have loved you since I was fifteen, probably longer. But you were never going to ask me to be your girlfriend!” _That we can never get away from the sprawl_.

“You never said that it mattered!” Raidou hurls, “besides, did you really think I would be fine if you left?”

“You told me to do it.”

“And you believed me?” Raidou, not for the first time, feels like his head is exploding.

“Yes,” Kurenai hisses, “I did, because you aren’t supposed to lie about that shit!”

“Oh, but fucking me, that’s just fine!” Raidou backs away as Kurenai steps forward.

“You want me as much as I want you.” Kurenai says this without thinking. Raidou swallows.

“Do you want to break up with Asuma?”

“No.” Kurenai replies.

“Do you want to be with me?” Raidou dares her to say what she really wants. But they both know that Kurenai has become a liar. And he will always cover for her lies, even the ones she tells herself.

“No.” Kurenai blinks.

“That’s why we’re here.” Raidou says quietly. “All you had to do was choose me, Kurenai.” Raidou gives her an impossibly sad look. Raidou taps his foot and exhales. “I’m leaving.” He says. “Good night Kurenai. Tell everyone I say goodbye.” Raidou turns around and walks towards the front door. He slips his feet into his sandals and storms into the night, blocking out the sound of Kurenai’s crying.

It starts as a choke. Then a sob. Then Kurenai turns and runs back through the party, opening the door to the backyard. No one stops her. She sprints into the darkness, waking up the chickens and running through the bugs, hopping the fence in her bare feet, running to an empty park, cutting up her feet on rocks, leaning over a garbage can and stuffing her fingers down her throat. How can you throw up poison when you are the toxin? It is all beer that comes up.

While she is bent over, she feels someone come up behind her, and gently hold her hair back with two hands. She is sobbing, and snot and spittle come out too. She starts to cry even harder, leaning down into the trash can.

Genma grabs her shoulders, and gently pulls her up and towards him. Like dead weight, she leans against him and they tumble to the ground, his arms still around her. Kakashi stands over them, pulling out a bottle of water. Her sandals are by his feet.

“Let it out.” Genma says. Kurenai presses her face into his stomach and screams. Genma sighs. “You are a real asshole.” He pats her head, “you’re lucky that I love you.” Kurenai sits up, and Kakashi hands her the water. She swills some in her mouth and gets up to spit it in the trash can. Genma sits on the ground, looking up at her. Kakashi takes out a tissue and hands it to her so she can wipe her face.

“I don’t deserve this kindness.” Kurenai says, her throat scratching.

“I put the chidori through Rin’s heart.” Kakashi says.

“She walked in front of you.” She replies, blinking. Her eyes hurt. They will ache like a motherfucker tomorrow. “That’s totally different. She used you to kill herself.”

“Like you use Raidou?” Genma says. Kurenai turns to him and is about to spit out a _no_ when Kakashi interrupts her.

“Don’t come here and play innocent.” Kakashi says, “you know every time you fuck with him, it breaks his heart even more?” Kurenai looks up into his face, as Genma rises behind her. She starts crying again and turns to Genma. He sighs and opens his arms. She screams into his chest, howling with grief, and he holds her together so that she doesn’t fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Team. I am going to try and finish the first arc this week, partially so I can take a break on my birthday and so that you have one complete part. I have decided to just pare it down to 3 arcs and an epilogue; there will still be the same amount of content. The story will simply be more streamlined. 
> 
> I've been thinking a lot about Kurenai, and I realized that maybe I'm not characterizing her the way I want to. She is melodramatic, and intense, and she contradicts herself all the time. But I think she is coming from a place of great pain, seeing the person she dedicated nine years of her life to becoming someone else's boyfriend with no fuss. Her and Raidou are definitely toxic right now, and I think the big reason for that is that she is game to talk about their relationship in a way that he isn't; he was really passive for a lot of it. I think Kurenai, for all her outlandish, chaotic and hypocritical behaviour, is mostly reacting to Raidou's passivity, i.e. she is the partner who does all the emotional work in the relationship (she gets mad for him, she cries for him, she works herself up into frenzy while he sits back as if toxicity doesn't require two people). I think his non-reactivity is crazy-making, especially if you are someone close to him. I wanted to give a little context to her OOC-ness, and how those decisions were made. 
> 
> I guess what I wanted to accomplish in this chapter, and this particular author's note, is just to show how they both fuck up their relationship. I promise things are going to change, and that Raidou and Kurenai are both going to mature. I just have to spend a lot of time setting up the problem, lol. I have a vision and I am going to deliver, I swear. 
> 
> Feel free to bounce these ideas off me in the comments. This story is fan fiction, but it's also a love story, so I welcome comments that don't focus on the fandom (considering that the main players, except Asuma, Kakashi, Anko and Shizune, are just filler characters in Naruto, it's probably easier to do it that way). I hope this chapter was entertaining, and kept you interested in finding out what happens. I'll come back and deal with typos later. 
> 
> And the song they are listening to is Arcade Fire's Sprawl (Mountains Beyond Mountains)-it is a jam.  
> Stay safe out there in the age of COVID.


	10. The Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choices.

“I still really, really love you”

Frank Ocean, “Cayendo (Side A—Acoustic)

She wakes up with a headache, drool on her chin and Genma lying on his back, mouth open in a snore. Kurenai sighs and sits up, looking down at him. She rubs her lips together and looks around. They are both fully dressed. There is a glass of water on each nightstand. Genma must have done that after he deposited her in bed.

He carried her home on his back, grunting under her weight while she cried into his neck. _You’re such a baby_ , he groaned, _I don’t know what Asuma or Raidou see in you_. He even let her stay on his back as he walked up the apartment stairs, and he didn’t say anything when she pressed her wet cheek to his. Genma is combative, but he is also kind.

Kurenai gets up and decides to take a shower. She stands under the shower, water as hot as possible, wondering when she will finally feel clean. She remembers everything she said to Raidou. _You want me as much as I want you_. She washes her hair and face, brushes her teeth, thinking about that statement. He chose Yuugao, so how much does Raidou really want Kurenai? She turns the shower off and sighs. She steps out, wrapping a towel around herself. She walks back into her bedroom with a slight hunch and smiles when she hears Genma snoring away.

She nudges him awake, and when he wakes up, he startles, until he sees her face. “You snore,” she says.

“Everyone snores,” he huffs, sitting up.

“You didn’t have to stay here.” She replies. He shrugs.

“I didn’t want you to call Asuma or Raidou while you were drunk and crying.” He rubs his face. “It would not have ended well.”

“I wouldn’t have done that,” Kurenai says, sitting down on the bed. Genma side-eyes her.

“You were in one of your weepy moods.” Genma replies.

“Raidou says I am even tempered,” she says. Genma snorts.

“He wanted to get into your pants,” he says, “he is screwed in the head too. Crazy gets crazy.” Genma lies back down, his hands behind his head. Kurenai lies down beside him. He eyes her as she adjusts her towel.

They lie down in silence for one, maybe two minutes, before Kurenai speaks. “I’m not the villain.”

“What do you mean?” Genma asks.

“I mean, it’s not all my fault,” Kurenai says, “it’s on him too.” Genma sighs, before turning to look at the side of her face.

“I know.” He replies. He watches Kurenai’s face screw up. Her hands rest on her stomach, and her eyes flutter.

“If he wanted me, he could have me,” she says quietly. She turns and looks up at Genma. “Why doesn’t he want me?”

“Because he has chosen someone else, Kurenai.” Genma squeaks when she rolls to his side and starts crying into his armpit. He pats her wet hair and offers her a small smile when she lifts her head up. “You’re getting snot all over me.”

“I want Raidou,” she says. “I want him here.” Now. Genma frowns.

“That would be a bad idea,” he says, “you’d throw yourself at him.” Kurenai sighs.

“He’s the best to cry on.” Genma snorts.

“That’s because he lets you do it naked.” He nudges her with his arm. “C’mon, I’m hungry.”

“I don’t have anything to eat,” she says. Genma blinks at her.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I was going to get food after the party,” she sighs. “I think I have one package of pop tarts and a bottle of instant coffee to my name.” Genma wrinkles his nose.

“Are you serious?” he asks. “Raidou and Asuma are gone for what, not even twenty-four hours and it all falls apart.”

“Asuma and I are on a break,” Kurenai says quietly, “and Raidou hasn’t been talking to me very much.” Genma blinks, letting all the information sink in. He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he pulls away and rolls off of the bed, sitting up. She watches him leave her bedroom, before she gets up and follows him.

She finds him poking around the kitchen. He holds up the silver foil of the pop tarts, waving them back and forth. She walks over to the kitchen and starts the kettle, pulling out her tiny carton of milk and the instant coffee.

“You have milk.” Genma drawls, “maybe things aren’t that bleak.” Kurenai shrugs, tapping her pointer finger on the top of the kettle. He opens the pop tarts and holds the package to her. She takes one and takes a little bite.

“These things suck.” Genma pouts. Kurenai smiles.

“They are yummy,” she says, “my one indulgence.” Genma frowns, grossed out but too hungry to stop eating. “Do you think I’m a good person, Genma?”

“I think you are being the best possible version of yourself, given the circumstances.” He watches Kurenai take out two mugs and a spoon. She takes a large bite of her pop tart, thinking.

“But Genma,” she starts, “do you think I’m a good person?”

She crams the rest of her pop tart into her mouth and opens the bottle of instant coffee while he mulls over his response. He doesn’t think she has been acting like a good person lately, but it doesn’t define her character. Not to him, anyway.

“You’re being the best possible version of yourself given the circumstances,” he repeats. It’s the best answer he’s got. Kurenai spoons the coffee into the mugs. She is generous; at least three tablespoons each.

“So, that’s a no.” Her voice is flat.

“It’s a not really,” he replies, nibbling at the edge of his pop tart.

“He makes me feel like I’m crazy,” she sighs, “I mean, he doesn’t want a girlfriend, and then he goes and gets one? Like that?”

“You added another person into the equation first,” Genma replies. She glares at him over her shoulder. “What? Do you want me to affirm all the asshole things you’ve done this year?” Kurenai pouts at him and turns away.

“It’s just…he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, and he loves me, like, deep soul loves me, but he chooses someone else?” she turns to Genma, blinking.

“Uh, you chose someone else first,” he says, “I think we’ve all learned that getting with someone else doesn’t fix your underlying relationship problem.” Kurenai frowns.

“Do you think Raidou and I can be friends?” she asks. “Or, is it too late to change?” Genma shrugs.

“Depends. Do you plan on staying rotten?”

Kurenai bursts into tears.

**

_Raidou once had a brother. He was older, by three years to be exact. He had a name, but it still hurts too much to use, even in a memory. His brother was twenty-five when he died. He had died of septic shock, alone, in the hospital. Raidou arrived in time to see his last breath, but not his final words. The truth is that his brother talked so much that he probably would have died mid-sentence, unfinished._

_Standing in the hospital, over his brother’s corpse, Raidou recalls the last time he hung out with his brother, which is not the same as the last time he saw his brother. His brother was driving his shitty car, and he was blasting that punk music he always liked. He and Kurenai were singing obnoxiously, and Raidou was pretending to hate the sound of their voices._

_“You two are so obnoxious, you know?” Raidou shouts, and Kurenai sings louder while his brother laughs._

_She stops when her throat starts to ache. “Hey,” she croaks, “what is your favourite song?” Raidou’s brother smiles._

_“There is so much I haven’t listened to,” he says, “in all honesty, I can’t choose.” Kurenai swings her head to look at Raidou, who bites his lip. He launches in a long-winded monologue beginning with “well, everyone has a favourite,” and ending in his personal opinions about Rumors v. Tusk, Simon v. Garfunkel etc. Kurenai giggles from the backseat._

_“But do you have a favourite?” his brother asks. Raidou frowns._

_“I have preferences.” Raidou replies. His brother rolls his eyes._

_“That’s not the same.” He sighs, “you are too serious. You should be like Kurenai, who doesn’t even bother answering her own question.”_

_Then he and his brother were sent on different missions, and he returned to a corpse. Raidou blinks, looking at the_ thing _that had been his brother. He hears thudding coming down the hallway, and he turns to see Kurenai barge into the hospital room, breathing hard. She looks at him, her eyes wide. She is followed by Himself and Asuma, who had apparently found his brother. Raidou simply stands and looks at Kurenai. She holds her hand to her side like she has a stitch. Raidou didn’t think she would run that fast for him._

_He has lost the capacity to feel anything, so strong are the emotions running through him. He is frozen, unable to form words in a world without his brother. It’s funny, because he didn’t react like this when their parents died. But his brother has been the first since Obito and Rin to die before he could really live._

_“The body smells,” Raidou finally says. Kurenai, walking towards him, nods. She isn’t crying, because she needs to be strong. She implicitly knows that she must protect Raidou from when the shock fades, and he realizes that his brother is dead. “Was this really my brother?” Kurenai nods. “It was your brother,” she says quietly. Raidou nods, turning back to the body._

_“Do you promise to make it past twenty-five?” he asks. Kurenai swallows._

_“I promise.”_

_“I mean, like, really promise. Do it or your soul will be cursed to never know peace, Kurenai.” Raidou finally turns around, tilting his head. The tears are forming. “Promise on my brother.”_

_“I promise on your brother, that I will make it past twenty-five.” Kurenai says. Raidou nods._

_“I promise on my brother that I will make it past twenty-five, too.” He says. His voice is solemn, and she can tell that he has resolved to become a man, the way all boys eventually do. That Raidou has decided to set childish things aside, and lock everything tender in him away so that he never confronts his own weakness, because that is what men think of vulnerability._

_It is watching the look in his eyes and the way he sets his jaw, seeing him resolve to cry this one time and be reborn a man, that gets Kurenai. She starts properly crying first. Raidou blinks._

_“We’re alone now.” He says._

_“Yes, it is just us.” She replies, and she runs forward as his body gives in to a long-held sob. Raidou folds in on himself like a child, his face buried in Kurenai’s elbow. She buries her nose in the crown of his head, and they are wrapped like this when Genma eventually finds them._

_Kurenai looks up and glares at him, like Raidou is her little baby and everyone else is a predator, looking to take him away. Genma tells her that they have to leave the hospital, that he will help her with Raidou, but she refuses, saying that it is just them now._

_That night, while staying at her parents’ house, Raidou asks her if she thinks their houses will be haunted. She shrugs, asks if it bothers him. He frowns. It bothers him a little. So, he turns onto his side to look at her, as they lie on her bed beneath her Kate Bush poster. He leans in to kiss her, and she reciprocates._

_They precede to spend the next two weeks having sex in every room of their dead parents’ houses. They want to fuck away the pain, and they figured their deceased loved ones wouldn’t want to hang around to watch them pervert their bond. Raidou doesn’t think he can be haunted if he ties himself to Kurenai, and he has haunted her for as long as he has known her._

_Raidou refuses to talk. He kisses and sucks and bites, all to avoid saying what he needs to say: I miss him, my brother. I will always love him. I am alone now. Kurenai doesn’t push him, since his mouth is on her, and she doesn’t want him to stop because he makes her tingle._

_In hindsight, they were two horny kids looking for a way to deal with grief and loneliness and pain. But Raidou and Kurenai know this: they were in love long before this, and their love will run deep long after the wound closes and their families are just ash._

**

Raidou has been in a foul mood since Kurenai told him that she wanted him as much he wants her. It has been tormenting him, and Yuugao can tell that something is wrong. Raidou says he is just in a mood. _It happens sometimes, don’t worry_ , he had muttered into Yuugao’s shoulder before he rolled them both over. How much longer will she continue to believe him? For as long as she can’t directly deal with Hayate’s death, which could mean forever.

He leans forward and groans. His life wasn’t supposed to go this way. It was supposed to be simple. He and Kurenai weren’t supposed to change. He guesses they haven’t if she is comfortable hurling _you want me as much as I want you_ at him. He’s too old for this shit. He hasn’t dealt with this much angst since he was a teenager, and Raidou really isn’t built for it.

“What’s wrong?” Kakashi asks. He, Aoba and Genma have been sitting around Raidou, politely discussing around the monumental fight Raidou and Kurenai had at Aoba’s house. Raidou looks up.

“I feel like I’m fifteen again,” he mutters. Aoba nods sagely, while Genma sips his beer.

“You too, huh?” Kakashi says. They are here because Kakashi’s genin team is now gone and he is still adjusting to regular rotation. He is handling the transition the way he does most things. Which is to say, it all looks good on the outside, but he is in deep psychic turmoil on the inside.

“I’m too old to feel this deeply.” Raidou says, “I thought age was supposed to make me numb.”

“No, age just means that you simply gain a deeper perspective on the fucked up things that happen to you.” Genma drinks his beer, prompting Raidou to roll his eyes.

“When was the last time something super shitty happened to you?”

“We can’t all be burdened with genius and shitty interpersonal skills,” Genma points to Kakashi, “nor have the misfortune of the prettiest girl in our class choosing to use our hearts as a kickball.” Raidou frowns.

“You guys always focus on how Kurenai looks,” he says, “she has other good qualities.”

“Oh? Enlighten me.” Genma drawls. “It would be nice to have a refresher, considering the way she is treating you and Asuma.”

“I think we would all like to know why you keep sleeping with her.” Aoba says.

“It only happened four times.” Raidou’s tone is defensive. Kakashi looks at his nails.

“It is straight out of _Icha Icha_.” Kakashi says. “What were your words: Asuma can’t fuck her right?” Aoba nods and Genma looks straight at Raidou. He sighs, knowing this conversation was going to happen.

“She just…she makes it hard to be her friend sometimes.” Raidou scratches his upper arm. “I want to be her friend.”

“But?’ Genma asks.

“But she just gets mad whenever I start to pull away. Like the whole Yuugao thing. She started that fight because I had my hand on my girlfriend’s thigh at a party a few months ago.” Raidou rubs his forehead. “I just don’t know what she wants.”

“Your problem is that you keep thinking about what she wants.” Kakashi leans back on his chair. “What do you want?” Raidou pinches the bridge of his nose.

“A bullet to the head.”

“I would have thought you would prefer a swift beheading.” Aoba sips his beer.

“What about Yuugao?” Kakashi asks. He isn’t friends with her, but she was on his team, and that counts for something.

“She’s ten years younger than me, in love with a dead guy,” Raidou shrugs, “I love her, but it’s not like how it was with Kurenai.”

It will never be like how it was with Kurenai. Maybe that’s a good thing. But Kurenai set the bar. She wasn’t the first girl to whom he said, “I love you”, but she was the first one where it meant anything substantial. Raidou will never love another like that, but he may still be capable of love, if he breaks the habit of going back to her when she calls.

“Yuugao and I are lost together.” Raidou says. “It’s comforting, being confused with someone.” It sure beats whatever Kurenai and Asuma are doing. How do they talk about the hole Raidou left behind? At least Raidou and Yuugao can both admit that they aren’t in great shape. In recent months, Yuugao is the first person who comes to mind when he rubs one out, no prompting or anything. Raidou desperately kisses her along the curve of her waist, like it could free them from the past. She told him it tickles, but that she liked it because it made her feel adored. _It feels like you want to eat me up_ , she sighed. Raidou had simply grinned into the crook of her shoulder _. I want to eat Yuugao up and I want Kurenai as much as she wants me_ , he thinks. That’s the problem, but his friends won’t understand because none of them have been torn between their past and future quite like this.

“Lost.” Kakashi sounds less than impressed. Raidou nods.

“I feel lost, and so does Yuugao.” He says, “it’s how losing the anchor of your being feels.” Aoba rolls his eyes.

“How much do you love Kurenai? Put it in terms we can understand.” He says. Kakashi and Genma look at Raidou expectantly.

“Why would you want to know how it feels?” Raidou asks. “I hope none of you ever feel this way.”

“Humor me.” Aoba says.

Raidou looks up at the dingy ceiling, and inhales. How to put his immense sadness and overwhelming grief in terms that they can understand? Kakashi was never in love with Rin but her death put him off the whole thing, and Aoba and Genma are incapable of falling into deep soul love.

“I can’t tell you what it feels like.” Raidou says. “It just feels right. Like getting drunk and being able to make it back to your own bed that night.”

“Kurenai is like a worn-in mattress?” Genma grins, “you’re really bad at this romance stuff.” Raidou narrows his eyes.

“I don’t like receiving blow jobs anymore.” Raidou says. “It’s been months, and I still won’t let Yuugao blow me. Before I met her, a woman tried, and I had to close my eyes shut and dig my nails in my palms to get through it.” Raidou feels immensely guilty over that one. He had told her to keep going, even though he eventually came, he still looked green in the mirror after. She never called him, which was just as well. No other woman is going to tell him that his semen is her favorite and then demonstrate her appreciation. He won’t tell anyone else. Kurenai is only a pervert for him and he plans to keep it that way.

“You are so in love with Kurenai that you don’t enjoy getting head anymore?” Aoba asks. Raidou nods, and Genma whistles. “That’s fucking depressing.” Aoba stands up. “Next round is on me.” He walks over to the bar, and Raidou watches him disappear into the crowd.

He is pointedly avoiding the looks of Kakashi and Genma. When he does, he knows he will have to deal with his problems.

“You still want her.” Genma says. His eyes are narrow, and he looks disappointed.

“I don’t know how not to.” Raidou admits. “Her kink is destroying our lives and I don’t know how to say no.”

“You always have a choice.” Kakashi says, “the worst thing you could do is tell yourself that you have no control.”

“Just cut it out,” Genma says, “I don’t care how you do it. But you can’t keep fucking around behind Asuma and Yuugao’s backs and screaming at each other at parties. No one has said anything because no one wants to get involved, but fuck, that was _bad_.”

“Someone is going to say something.” Kakashi says. “If you two don’t stop, Asuma and Yuugao are going to find out and then there will be real hell to pay.” Kakashi has been spending the better part of the last week running various scenarios through his head: would Asuma and Yuugao both go in on Raidou? Would Kurenai defend him? Would it fall into Asuma v. Raidou and Yuugao v. Kurenai? Because Kakashi is a good friend, he would do his best to protect them all. But they aren’t Naruto and Sasuke flinging themselves at each other. They are adults, and he can’t just use brute strength to swing them around and incapacitate them that way.

Raidou leans back. “I don’t think I can be around her anymore.” He has known this for a year. He can only admit this now. They need time apart. Stop thinking of each other as an option.

“Sounds good,” Genma says.

“Asuma and Yuugao are going to know.” Raidou rubs his face in his hands. Neither are stupid. They may not know that Kurenai and Raidou slept together, but it’s obvious that their feelings prevent them from being in the same room.

“But you are doing it because you choose them.” Genma says, “what are they going to do? Get mad that you and Kurenai are taking time apart so you can focus on building relationships with people who don’t want to emotionally terrorize you?” Raidou allows himself to laugh, and Kakashi knocks the table with his knuckles.

Aoba comes back with a pitcher, and they decide to get really, truly, stupidly drunk.

**

_Kurenai hates the way that Raidou stands across the room as if nothing has changed between them. She hates the way he laughs at Shizune’s jokes, how he talks in her ear. Kurenai glowers at them when neither are looking. She sits on the arm of the couch, her legs over Genma’s lap, her arms crossed. He is the only man she knows who is immune to her looks. It’s why she likes him so much. She can be right in his face and he doesn’t care._

_Genma rubs his hand on her thigh, so quick that the friction is like a burn. She looks down on him, and he pouts at her. “I need to get another drink.”_

_“So?” she replies. Kakashi, seated on the couch beside Genma, laughs. She glares at him, but he doesn’t stop laughing. She doesn’t scare him._

_“Kurenai,” Genma whines, “I don’t know what Raidou did, but I don’t think I should have to pay for it.” He makes big eyes at her._

_“I need you to help me make him jealous,” she whines. Genma rolls his eyes._

_“Everyone here knows that we will never want to fuck each other.” He wraps one arm under her knees, and another around her waist. She has had two beers already, so he knows that she isn’t quick on the uptake. He lifts her as he stands up, and Kakashi blushes when he sees her pink underwear, before Genma drops her onto him._

_“Kakashi,” Genma says, “do you think you can help Kurenai make Raidou jealous?” Kurenai wraps her arms around Kakashi’s neck._

_“Of course, he can!” Kurenai retorts, “Kakashi is a true friend.” Kakashi sighs and decides to let her sit on him._

_“Fine,” he says. Genma smiles and pats him on his shoulder, before walking away. Kakashi tries to not look at Kurenai’s mouth as she glares at Genma’s back._

_Raidou looks over at Kurenai, who is on Kakashi’s lap, her arms around his neck. Raidou snorts, and nods at Shizune, who looks over at them. She smiles._

_“She keeps glaring at you.” Shizune says. Raidou rolls his eyes._

_“I have no idea why,” he says, shaking his head. Shizune rolls her eyes._

_“She likes you,” she says, “and you’re talking to another girl.”_

_“I talk to you all the time.” He replies. Shizune smirks and keeps her mouth shut. “What?” Raidou asks, and she nods behind him. Raidou turns around, and Kurenai is walking right up to him. Kakashi looks relieved. Raidou sighs and turns around. “Kurenai,” he says. She gives him a hard look._

_“I can’t believe you.” She says in quiet voice. Raidou’s eyebrows pinch together, and his forehead wrinkles._

_“What are you talking about?” he asks. Kurenai crosses her arms._

_“You know what I am talking about!” She says. Her voice doesn’t cut over the music, but their friends are all looking at them. Raidou sighs and puts his arm on her waist to guide her into the kitchen._

_Kurenai is annoyed. He should know what he did wrong. He looks at her like she is a small child, and it only makes her angrier. Genma and Anko are in the kitchen, talking in the corner. Kurenai shoots them a glare, and Anko drags Genma out as he returns her glare with his own. Raidou rubs the back of his head, and gestures for Kurenai to speak._

_“What?” she spits. Raidou gives her an unimpressed look._

_“You are being rude.” He replies, “you’ve been glaring at me the whole night.”_

_“No, I wasn’t,” she says, “I was sitting on Kakashi’s lap!”_

_“For three seconds,” he snorts, “until you came over to accost me.”_

_“See!” Kurenai points at him, “you were looking at me.”_

_“How could I not look at you?” he replies, “you were glaring at me!”_

_“Because you were talking to another girl!” Kurenai exclaims. Raidou blinks at her, tilting his head._

_“Shizune?” he asks. Kurenai nods, and she snarls when she sees his eyes light up._

_“You’re jealous.” He says, amused._

_“Of course, I am!” Kurenai throws her hands in the air, and Raidou laughs._

_“I think you are the only girl to ever admit it right away like that.” Raidou smiles. Kurenai has to try to stay angry, because his smile does stupid, incomprehensible things to her, like make her anger dissipate and her tummy flutter. She bites her lower lip while Raidou grins. “Why are you jealous, anyway?”_

_Kurenai’s anger is renewed when he asks such a stupid question. “You were talking to another girl!” She stomps her foot. Raidou rolls his eyes._

_“I mean, why are you mad?” He leans against the counter, crossing his arms._

_“Because we are having sex,” Kurenai whispers the last word. Raidou blinks._

_“So?” he says, stupidly._

_“So?!” Kurenai’s voice is shrill. Raidou shrugs._

_“Was it supposed to change something?” Raidou asks. Kurenai throws her hands in the air._

_“It changed something!” She responds. She will never forget how it feels for the two of them to become one person. She refuses to believe that it didn’t change something for him too._

_They have both said I love you. It boggles the mind that Raidou can’t see how it changes things._

_Raidou rubs his face. He can’t really engage with Kurenai while at a party with all of their friends. It’s not that sleeping with her didn’t change something for him. It’s that he didn’t think that she would care this much. He loves her, with every fibre of his being, but if she wants to have this conversation, she needs to sober up and use her words tomorrow. Rubbing his temples, Raidou decides to bail._

_“Look, if you want to have this kind of conversation, you can’t get drunk and glare at me in front of everyone. If they didn’t know, they all have an idea now.” Kurenai hates being condescended to, so she doubles down._

_“Don’t tell me what to do, Raidou,” she snarls._

_“You really want to play it this way?” Raidou replies. He is kinda hot when he is mad, so Kurenai nods. He inhales, trying to figure out when negotiating with a drunk Kurenai became his life._

_“Look, clearly we aren’t going to agree on this tonight. You can stay here, but I am leaving.” He jangles his car keys in his pocket. He had one beer, so he is good to drive. He walks out the kitchen, and Kurenai follows him._

_“Where are you going?” she asks._

_“Out the door.” Raidou replies, waving at their friends._

_“Oh no, you’re not!” Kurenai grabs his hand, but he is bigger, so she is pulled along with him. Raidou snorts. He lets go of her hand when he goes to put his sandals on._

_She stands over him, glowering, arms crossed. He looks at her feet. Her nail polish is cherry red, and it is chipped on her big toe. Raidou, to be perfectly honest, doesn’t care. She is throwing a tantrum to get her way. He doesn’t negotiate with emotional terrorists._

_“I don’t feel guilty,” he says, looking up at her. His face is a little flush from being bent over._

_“I don’t care.” She retorts._

_“Then why are you standing over me?” he replies._

_“Because I care about you!” Kurenai retorts. Raidou snorts at the contradiction, but he says nothing. He stands up, and walks out the door, closing it behind him. Kurenai swears and picks her sandals up, opening the door and slamming it behind her._

_Everyone looks at each other, before Aoba puts a finger up to his lips and opens the window facing the front of the house. Raidou and Kurenai are their friends, and they really ought to give them privacy. But, on the other hand, there is so little that passes for entertainment around here. So, they all fall silent._

_Kurenai walks with bare feet, as Raidou heads to his car. “Where do you think you’re going?” she asks. Raidou doesn’t bother turning back._

_“Home.” He says._

_“Just home?” she asks, stopping, her hands on her hips. Raidou looks back at her, blinking._

_“Where else would I go?” he asks._

_“Maybe there is another girl you want to see!” Kurenai says. Raidou sighs._

_“Whatever,” he walks over the driver’s side of the car. Kurenai grits her teeth. How dare he_ whatever _her?_

_The car starts up, and the headlights turn on. He backed into the driveway, so Kurenai does the sensible thing. She walks over and puts her sandals on the hood of the car and stands in front of it. Raidou honks the horn. She sticks out her tongue in response. He cranks open the window and sticks his head out the window._

_“Are you for real right now?” he asks. He wasn’t mad until now. Raidou thought this was all pretty funny. But he is tired, over it, and he wants to go home. Kurenai nods._

_“I am always real!” She yells. They both glare over at the open window when they hear a few giggles._

_“Kurenai,” he sighs, “you need to get out of the way.”_

_“I dare you to run me over!” She replies. Raidou punches the horn in aggravation._

_“I won’t run you over, Kurenai.”_

_“Then stay!” She leans down on the hood. Raidou groans and checks to make sure that the car is in park._

_“I don’t want to stay,” he says, getting out of the car._

_“Too bad.” She sniffs. He closes the car door and leans against it._

_“All of this, because we had sex?” Raidou still doesn’t regret it. It felt right. Like coming home._

_“No,” she says, “because you are acting like we didn’t have sex.” Raidou rubs his face again, because this conversation is rotting his brain._

_“I am treating you like a friend!” He exclaims._

_“But I’m not just your friend!” She slaps the hood of the car, and he winces._

_“Kurenai…” he says, walking over to her._

_“Don’t Kurenai me!” She backs away from him, although she remains in front of the car. “You can’t placate me, and I am not just your friend.” Raidou sighs._

_“Of course, you are my friend.” He puts his hands on his hips._

_“Have all your other friends had your dick in their mouths?” Kurenai yells. Raidou makes a stunned face, momentarily forgetting how to form words. He blinks at her, and they both hear Genma’s low whistle from the open window._

_“My dick in their mouths?” Raidou repeats dumbly. Kurenai nods._

_“Well,” she says, “have they?”_

_“Had my dick in their mouths?” he asks again, still surprised that this is the world he lives in._

_“Tell me!” She says._

_“I haven’t slept with any of our friends.” He says, “it’s just you.”_

_“Really?” she asks, “because I see the way you talk to Shizune!” Raidou snorts at her._

_“You’re grasping at straws,” he says. Kurenai frowns._

_“No, I’m not.”_

_“Yes, you are.” He smiles. Kurenai focuses on frowning, but the corners of her lips twitch upward._

_“Stop smiling at me,” she says, “I’m mad at you.”_

_“No, you’re not mad,” he replies, “you are just looking for reasons to be mad at me.” Raidou opens his arms. Kurenai is tipsy and in a dramatic mood. He isn’t really mad at her. Just a little annoyed. “Kurenai,” he says, “come here.” His voice is calm, even. Her mouth twitches, and she answers his call._

_Kurenai runs into his arms and wraps herself around him. Raidou sighs, because he does enjoy how it feels when she is close to him. “Please don’t stand in front of a car or dare someone to run over you.” Kurenai whimpers against him._

_“I just love you so much it makes me sick.” She says softly. Raidou smiles._

_“Do you want to leave with me?” he asks. Kurenai nods her head, before pulling away to get into the car._

**

Kurenai sits across from Shizune and Anko, trying not to be mad at their obvious intervention. Only Genma knows that she and Asuma are on a break, and she plans to keep it that way. She still has to go apologize to Raidou, but first she must submit herself to this humiliating conversation. Shizune and Anko won’t tell her anything she doesn’t already know, and she doesn’t need to be called an asshole again.

Anko rests her chin on her hand, looking at Kurenai with concern. Shizune is hums, drumming the table with her fingers. No one teaches you how to be a person here. They all just wing it, except Genma and Asuma, who seem to have an innate grasp on how people work.

“How are you feeling today?” Anko asks. Kurenai shrugs.

“I’ve been better,” she replies. Kurenai is only here because she wants to get this conversation over with. Shizune and Anko exchange glances, before turning back to her.

“Have you spoken to Raidou?” Shizune asks. Kurenai feels her eye twitch.

“No,” she says, “I am going to see him later.”

“Is that a good idea?” Shizune asks. Kurenai tries not to be offended by the question.

“Should I avoid him for the rest of my life?” she asks.

“Well…” Shizune’s voice rises as she says the word. Anko rolls her eyes.

“Look, someone has to say it: you two are toxic.” Anko declares, “you are treating everyone like garbage.”

“What about Raidou?” Kurenai asks. Shizune makes a face, and Anko huffs.

“What about Raidou?” Anko asks.

“Well, don’t you think it’s a little presumptuous to blame me for everything?” Kurenai asks. One of the most crazy-making things of the past year, is that everyone normalizes or shrugs off the things Raidou does to unbalance Kurenai. No one, to her knowledge, asked him why he wouldn’t shore things up with her. She doesn’t think anyone has pointed it out to Raidou that if he hadn’t taken Kurenai for granted in the first place, all of this could have been avoided.

“Kurenai,” Shizune says, “you know you were the one who chased him down into the kitchen, right?”

“So?” Kurenai says. “He started it.”

“When did it start, then?” Anko sits up and talks with her hands. “When did your fight with Raidou start?” Kurenai sits back and thinks. She hadn’t expected to be taken at her word.

“It started when he told me that Yuugao is his girlfriend.” Kurenai says. She looks down at the tabletop, biting her lower lip. “He knew I wanted him so long, and then in a few months, Yuugao gets to be his girlfriend?” Kurenai blinks fast. Her eyes hurt, because she can’t seem to go a few hours without crying. “Why didn’t he want me?” Shizune and Anko exchange looks.

Because they know, like everyone else, that Raidou does want Kurenai. She was right and when said that he wants her as much as she wants him. They just never seem to be able to talk about their actual relationship with each other.

“What about Asuma?” Shizune asks. Kurenai frowns. She hasn’t thought a lot about him. They have the kind of companionate love that will endure anything, if you nurture it just a little bit. All she has to be is a little bit sorry, and Asuma is happy. He’s easy, in all senses of the word.

“He isn’t Raidou.”

“That’s not the question.” Anko replies. Kurenai pouts.

“I admit, he is not really on my list of immediate priorities.” Kurenai says, “I’m still reeling.”

“From what?” Anko asks, “the foreseeable consequences of your own actions?” Kurenai narrows her eyes. In moments like this, she sees why Genma and Anko were attracted to each other.

“Kurenai,” Shizune steps in, “we just want to make sure that you know how bad things were last night.”

“I was there!” Kurenai says, “do you all think that I am not _keenly_ aware of how fucked up I’ve been?”

“No, actually,” Anko says, “you refuse to talk about it, with anyone, except when you are yelling at Raidou.”

“Kurenai,” Shizune says, “we get that he was an asshole. It is stupid that he was fine being your boyfriend in every sense of the word, without actually committing to the label. He _is_ an asshole. But you went and chose another guy.”

“So?” Kurenai asks. She isn’t in the mood to be lectured.

“So?” Anko scoffs, “Kurenai, you are supposed to be in love with Asuma. You aren’t supposed to even notice Raidou like that anymore!”

“Raidou won’t say no to you.” Shizune adds, “but he wants to live his life. You need to let him go.”

Kurenai doesn’t say anything. She pulls a few bills out of her wallet, and leaves them on the table, before stomping home.

**

It’s been awhile since Raidou was this drunk. It’s not unwelcome, but it takes him longer to get home than it would otherwise. He stopped at the convenience store to buy a bag of chips, an indulgence he otherwise never allows himself. He can’t even remember the last time he ate chips, let alone bought a whole bag of them to eat. Sea salt and vinegar. His brother hated the flavor, which worked out since they are Raidou’s favorite.

He licks his thumb, using his body to open the door to the hallway. He looks down at the bag, considering reading the nutritional information, when he hears a familiar grunt. He looks up, and Kurenai is standing at the door to his room, arms crossed. She looks upset. She is wearing those fancy sweatpants that women wear to look more put together than they really are, and a loose, boxy crop top. Her face is bare, and her hair is up.

Raidou is pretty drunk, but he is far from the hallucination stage. He would like to think that fever dream Kurenai would be happier, or at least, not be in the clothes she wears for housework. He says nothing as he walks up to her. He pulls out his keys and offers her a chip as he unlocks the door. She shakes her head. Raidou shrugs, and gestures for her to walk in. She takes off her shoes and sits on his bed. They haven’t spoken since the party.

Raidou sets the bag on the table before washing his hands. He doesn’t say anything as he uses a rubber band to close it and put it up in the cupboard. Raidou then goes to the washroom and brushes his teeth, and then he takes a piss.

When he leaves the bathroom, Kurenai is still on his bed, watching him move around. “Why are you here Kurenai?” he asks, going to the sink to pour himself a glass of water. He can feel an oncoming headache. Good thing he has the day off tomorrow.

“I felt lonely.” She says quietly.

“You have a boyfriend.” Raidou doesn’t miss a beat. He turns the sink off and takes a big sip. His brother taught him to always have a glass of water if you need a moment to think. It was dumb advice, but Raidou follows it anyway.

“He’s not here.” Kurenai stands up and walks over to Raidou. They stand a few feet apart, and he lets himself look at her.

“So, I’m the back up? The place holder for Asuma?” he wants to sound angry, or spiteful, but he just sounds incredibly sad. _This is what you have reduced me to; someone who doesn’t even have the self-worth to be angry with you_.

“I’m sorry.” She says, “I’m really, really sorry for those things I said.” Kurenai pauses. “I’m a real asshole.”

“You are.” Raidou gulps down the rest of his water. He wipes his mouth with the back of his wrist before setting the glass down. 

Raidou walks past Kurenai, over to his bed. He rips his shirt off, throwing it across the room. Kurenai has known him for long, that she knows he has done that since he was little. Raidou, fumbling with his pants, turns to look at her.

“Are you sleeping here?” he asks quietly. Kurenai smiles.

“Can I?” she asks. Raidou nods, before turning back to undressing.

“You know where I keep my shirts.” He mumbles.

She looks at the long line of his back, the way his spine curves out from the base of his skull to his tail bone. “Are you going to sleep naked?” she asks. Raidou, free of his clothes, nods.

“It’s too hot not to.” He pulls the covers back, and slides in. He leaves them back for Kurenai. He lies on his side, looking at her. Kurenai pulls her shirt over her head, letting it fall to her feet. She then pulls her pants off and steps out of them. Her toenails are red. Oxblood, to be specific.

Raidou has seen her naked countless times before, but in his heart, he knows that this will be the last time for, at least, a very long time.

She slips in beside him and pulls the covers up. She lies on her side, facing him. Raidou tucks her hair behind her ear. It would be easy for him to flip her onto her back, and for her to let him in. They have done this all before. Lying beside each other naked may not technically be cheating, but infidelity is one of those things that if you find yourself debating the technicalities, you have already done something wrong.

But Raidou promised himself that he wouldn’t make her cry. Having sex would definitely make her cry. Maybe not in front of him, but it would somewhere down the line.

“I’m in love with you, and you’re in love with me.” She whispers, like they aren’t the only two people in the room.

“Yes.” He says, drunk and sleepy and trying hard to focus.

“I don’t think we can be friends right now. At least, not for a little bit.” Her voice soft, hesitant. Raidou knows that she is speaking this way because she doesn’t like what she is saying.

“Yes,” he repeats. Monosyllabic responses are all he can manage.

“If we don’t stop, we’ll get caught, and Asuma and Yuugao don’t deserve that.” Kurenai touches his cheek. Her thumb rubs a circle into his scar.

“Are you breaking up with me?” he asks. Her thumb stops, and he whines in the back of his throat until she starts again.

“I guess, for now.” She frowns.

“Okay.” He says quietly. He is glad that she did it for him. If this had been done the other way, he isn’t sure that it wouldn’t have ended in tears and screaming. She bites her lip, debating whether or not to ask her next question.

“Do you think I’m crazy?” she asks. Genma said she isn’t, but it’s Raidou’s opinion of her that matters. He sits up on his elbow and looks down at her.

“How so?”

“Just, all the things I’ve said to you, about how much I want you.” She sighs. She will never live down her comments about his semen. Not that she really wants to. Her statements are true, but she wishes they had been left unsaid. “Am I crazy?” Raidou frowns, considering his response. The truth is, if she is crazy than he is too. He isn’t great with feelings, but their love is what has preserved his sanity over the years. He doesn’t like to think about who he would be without her. So, he leans down, right into the shell of her ear, and whispers his response.

“No, you are not crazy.” He sniffs her hair before lying back down. He looks at her face, and her smile tugs something inside of him. She presses her lips to his, and he sighs when she pulls away. Her eyes are glassy. He feels ashamed that he let her question her own sanity.

“Can we get breakfast tomorrow morning?” she whispers. Raidou smiles.

“I don’t see why not.” Kurenai blinks, looking into the full force of his smile. He has always had this radiance to him. It’s why she has loved him since she was a child.

Kurenai hooks her leg over his hip and presses herself to him. Raidou rolls onto his back, taking her with him. Their bodies have been pressed like this before. Kurenai rests her chin on his sternum, looking up at his chin. Raidou’s hand floats down to graze the down of her lower back.

“It’s too hot to lie like this.” Kurenai says.

“It is.” Raidou doesn’t move. Kurenai turns her head so she can press her ear to his chest.

“Raidou?” her voice is small, like when she was a child and snuck into his bed.

“Yes,” he rumbles.

“Can we stay like this?”

“Only tonight.” Tonight, which is now tomorrow morning.

**

Kurenai sits across from Asuma, poking her food around her plate. He takes a sip of his beer. They’ve talked about all the banal things: what they’ve been doing, what the weather is like, the progress of their genin. Little things. They have not yet addressed what the past two weeks means for their relationship.

Asuma has not been in a relationship that has lasted this long, with him uncertain of the other person’s feelings. He thinks Kurenai loves him. Not the way she loves Raidou, but Asuma doesn’t mind. He cannot live with her hand on his throat, and he doesn’t think Raidou can either. However, he can’t ignore the fact that she is clearly into him, still. Relationships aren’t fun if one of the people involved doesn’t really want to be there. Asuma feels a lot of deep things for Kurenai, and he wants a future with her. But he will move on if he has to. It’s the kind, loving thing to do in this kind of fucked up situation.

It would be easier if he hadn’t gone and fallen in love with her. If he had questioned her certainty from the jump. But he is a trusting person, when it comes to love. He looks at Kurenai, who is smiling at him, but it’s not a real smile. _Not a good sign_.

“So,” his voice dips low.

“So,” she replies.

“What did you think about when we were apart?” he asks. He wants her, still, but he needs to know if she wants him too. If he doesn’t do this now, then he will always wonder if she chose him because she loved him or if it was the easy way out. Himself told him that the other night. _Can you really live with the doubt?_ Noticing that both of their glasses are empty, Asuma picks up the bottle of water left for them and fills Kurenai’s glass first before his own. Raidou does the same thing, but he makes it seem like a practicality. Asuma is a romantic; he makes it feel like it is a gesture of love. It tugs on her heart. It is addicting to be on the receiving end of such attentiveness. Asuma is the kind of boyfriend who goes out of his way to make sure that you know how he feels about you. It’s not enough for him to know. He wants to share it, bask in it, with you.

Kurenai chews on the inside of her cheek. She didn’t think about him at all. Not really, not in the ways that matter.

But Raidou made his choice, and Kurenai needs to make hers. A year ago, she wanted Asuma because of the things he represents; stability, futurity, continuity. With him, she could know peace. She will probably always want Raidou, in some way, but she needs to move on. She woke up this morning, pressed into Raidou, and they just blinked at each other for a few minutes before she moved off of him. She wonders if she will ever feel that kind of pull towards Asuma. She can’t imagine it, but you never know.

Maybe, one day, he will be gone, and he will be all she can think about. She won’t know unless she tries, and she wants to see if she can find in Asuma whatever Raidou found in Yuugao.

“I needed it.” She replies. Kurenai bites her lip, thinking. “Raidou and I can’t be friends right now.” Asuma blinks. This was not what he was expecting to hear. “We’re going to take some time apart.”

“What does that mean for us?” he asks, feeling a panicky, bubbling feeling in his gut. Kurenai offers him a small smile.

“I want to have the answers, but I don’t. I love you.” She presses her lips together, “but I spent nine years with Raidou. It’s been him since I was eighteen.” Kurenai reaches across the table for his hand. “I’m not saying this to hurt you. I’m saying this to be honest. Raidou and I need some time apart so that we can focus on other people.” She squeezes Asuma’s hand, rubbing her thumb against his palm. He has nice, big callused hands. Asuma sighs, big.

“You were too certain, looking back,” he says. Kurenai doesn’t disagree.

“I do want to see if this will work between us,” she squeezes his hand again. Asuma tilts his head, looking at her carefully.

“I do too,” he pauses. “But you have to be honest with me.”

“Okay,” Kurenai says, her stomach prickling. She doesn’t like where this is going. It feels like all of her insides are zooming down to the floor, and then the ground below.

“Did you ever sleep with Raidou while we were together?” Asuma’s jaw ticks. It is obvious that he is trying very hard to keep a neutral face.

“No,” Kurenai replies. Asuma unclenches, and smiles. That is all he wants to hear. So, Kurenai delivers.

**

Raidou and Yuugao are the kind of couple that go on walks together. She holds his arm as they walk down the street. He likes how it feels to have her by his side. He is sad to lose Kurenai, but he is overjoyed to be with Yuugao. He feels less conflicted. Not having to pretend to be okay with Kurenai helps.

“A lot can change in a year,” he remarks offhandedly. Yuugao smiles.

“I wonder what will happen in three.”

“Why three?” he asks. She shrugs.

“I can’t say what, but intelligence says that something big will happen in three years.” She hums. He likes that she outranks him, but he sometimes forgets that she knows almost everything about Konoha.

“So, three years.” He smiles at her, and his heart does a cliché pitter-patter when she looks right in his eyes and returns it. Yuugao looks away, and Raidou watches her look at a baby. She smiles, and so does the baby. They wave at each other. It makes him feel tingly.

“You like babies.” He says. Yuugao looks up at him.

“I’ve always wanted children,” she says. Raidou’s lip twitches upward, but otherwise, remains neutral. Yuugao grips his arm a little tighter. “Is that a problem?” Raidou shrugs.

“Not really,” he says, “I just never thought about it.” This isn’t exactly a lie: he has thought about it with Kurenai and Yuugao, but those were one-off ‘hey this wouldn’t be so bad after all.’ Raidou has never committed himself to the idea of children.

“Well,” Yuugao begins, “would you consider it?”

“Mmm, not now.” He smiles, making her giggle.

“I just want to know if there is a request consideration form for, you know…”

“No, I don’t know.” He drawls. Yuugao smiles.

“If we are in a good place and it happens.” She looks at him with a soft expression, and Raidou presses his arm into her. He bobs he head.

“If we are in a good place and it happens,” he hums, “it won’t be a problem. Maybe even welcome.”

“Welcome?” she asks, “that’s more than I was expecting.” 

“But I am never getting married,” he says. Yuugao wrinkles her nose.

“Oh yeah, no.” She shakes her head, and her hair swishes.

If Raidou wasn’t in love before, he definitely is now. Kurenai is the kind of girl who wants to get married. She’d deny it, if he asked, but her choosing Asuma confirmed what he knew all along. Knowing he only wants her isn’t enough. It was never going to be enough.

“You don’t want to get married?” he smiles. Yuugao nods.

“I hate being the center of attention,” she replies.

“Same,” he sighs, “Genma would have the most embarrassing speech.”

“Oh? Now I want to hear it.” She looks up at him, her eyes big and bright, and he catches himself before he says something stupid like _okay_.

“Nope,” he shakes his head, “not happening.”

“I bet he and Kurenai would collaborate and come up with a really good one.” Yuugao grins and wiggles against him.

“They know where all the bodies are buried,” he sighs. Yuugao looks ahead of them.

“I saw her the other day,” she says, “Kurenai seemed off.” Raidou braces himself for the inevitable. “Is there something wrong?”

“Well,” he says, “we’re taking some space.” He feels Yuugao stiffen against him, and he looks down at the ground.

“Oh.”

“We were together for nine years. We weren’t official, but it was real. It’s been hard trying to be friends, so we aren’t going to talk for a little bit. We’re going to see if we can reconnect down the line.” Raidou says this in delicate voice, trying to deliver the news in the most flattering way possible. Yuugao nods, and he can tell that she is choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“That’s so mature,” Yuugao says.

“We all have to grow up eventually,” he sighs. They walk in silence for a few minutes, but he can tell that this conversation isn’t over.

“Raidou?” she asks.

“Yes?”

“Did anything ever happen between you and Kurenai, while we’ve been together?” Yuugao knows he was sleeping around in the beginning, but those women were all faceless. Kurenai is a particularity, and Raidou loves her the way Yuugao loves Hayate. It’s not that she thinks he’s cheating, it’s more the case that, given the circumstances, it wouldn’t be entirely surprising.

“No,” he says, “nothing happened.” Raidou doesn’t find it hard to lie. It’s what they are trained to do. But it is hard living with the guilt of what he did. Telling the truth would set him free, but it would only blow up everyone’s lives. Yuugao and Asuma deserve to live in the world where Raidou and Kurenai are good people. He won’t spoil it for them.

“Okay,” she hums.

“Why do you ask?” he asks.

“I was just curious.” Yuugao looks up at him. “I’ve never thought that you cheated.”

“But?”

“But,” she says, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear, “I know you feel strongly for her. I forget, most of the time, but you just reminded me.”

“Fair enough,” he sighs. They walk in silence for a bit. Raidou, very badly, wants to break the silence.

“What’s your favorite color?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“Blue.”

“Not purple?”

“That would make it too easy to guess,” she grins. Raidou smiles down at her, thinking that, contrary to her answer, from here on out, his future will be easy to predict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I just want to take a second and say that I am humbled and flattered by all your comments! I am pretty emotionally invested in Raidou, Kurenai, Yuugao and Genma, and it is really nice to see all the positive responses to them. I would still have finished this story, but it is definitely coming along a lot faster than it would have otherwise.
> 
> So, this is the end of arc one. I've mentioned this before, but my life is about to get really busy. I won't be updating for at least a month, but that's because I have a thesis/work, and I need to write the outlines for the next twenty chapters. I want to do right by these characters, and that's going to take some time. 
> 
> It's my birthday long weekend, so I am going to try and at least get all the documents together, and fill them in over the course of the month. You should expect an update around mid-November, December. I know waiting for updates is the worst, so I made sure to finish arc one so there is, at least, a sense of completion. 
> 
> Thanks again for all your comments! I would love to read more of them, and to know what you think of where things stand right now (but of course, you are by no means obligated). Thank you, so very much, for reading. It means a lot. Stay safe out there!


	11. A Morning in Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years later. 
> 
> CW: Abortion, a shitty sexual experience (like, the kind where you realize halfway through that you would rather not have done it-not non-con, but could definitely be triggering).

_“I’ve got a good feeling/ It doesn’t happen very often”_

_Phoebe Bridgers, Demi Moore_

No matter where he is or what he is doing, Raidou always wakes up around seven in the morning, if not earlier. Even on vacation. He sighs, rolling out of bed. The hotel mattress groans under him. Yuugao shifts in her sleep, and he watches her as she blinks awake.

She is the one who convinced him to use his vacation time. Normally, he wouldn’t have wanted to use it, wanting to be paid out at the end of the year, but she insisted that he take her somewhere nice. _I want to make a baby somewhere else_. It’s been around a year of trying and Raidou has to admit, he doesn’t mind it. Yuugao yawns, before smiling up at him.

“You should enjoy vacation.” She says, “sleep in.” Raidou shrugs.

“I’m not young like you. My sleep schedule is more or less set.” It’s true. He hasn’t really been able to sleep in, barring an especially late night or illness or murderous hangover, since he was twenty-five. Yuugao opens her arms, pouting.

“Stay with me!” She says. Raidou stands up and walks over to his suitcase.

“I want to get up, move my aged limbs,” he replies. He grins when she makes an especially pathetic noise in the back of her throat. “You’re so desperate.” He likes it when she makes him feel wanted.

“Because we are on vacation,” sitting up on her elbows, she tilts her head at him. “I can’t believe you are getting dressed right now.” Raidou drops the pants he is holding and walks back over to the bed.

“We have many vacations ahead of us,” he says, climbing on the bed to hover over her. “And we’ve already spent most of our time naked.” Yuugao kisses the corner of his mouth. She frowns when he doesn’t even blink.

“You always take things for granted,” she sighs. Raidou frowns.

“That’s not true. I don’t take you for granted.” He starts kissing her neck, just to show his appreciation. It has been three years, and he feels utterly devoted to Yuugao. She hums, looking up at the ceiling.

“Oh?” she says in a small voice. “Give me an example that isn’t sex?”

“Why can’t it be sex?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“Because you get something out of it,” she sighs, “I would even say that you do it for yourself, rather than me.” Raidou pulls away, looking at her.

“That’s not true,” he replies, “I do it because I like showing you how much I love you.” His last, bitter lesson from Kurenai is that sex with feelings, the deep, overwhelming kind, is the best way to do it. He’s just lucky that he met someone else, in this lifetime, who makes him feel this way. Yuugao grins down at him.

“You want an example that isn’t sex?” he asks, “because, I would say I’m pretty good at it.” Raidou would even say that he is excellent at it. It’s the only way to bag not one, but two of the prettiest girls in Konoha. Granted, it’s not like Kurenai and Yuugao have slept around, but that just means it takes a lot to get their attention and hold it.

“Yes,” she says, “I want to know how you think you show devotion outside of the bedroom.” Raidou smirks.

“Well, there’s the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, our table, the car, the beach,” he lists those places off like he is talking about groceries. Yuugao blushes, “and who could forget where it all started, the trees by the memorial stone?”

“I meant sex!”

“You need to be specific,” he grins, at the expression on her face. “Okay, okay. I take vacation days, instead of being paid out. I take a pay cut for you!” Yuugao leans up, stopping short of his mouth.

“I’m worth it,” she says.

“Dunno about that,” he mutters. “You’re going to have to tell me how you appreciate me.” Yuugao blinks up at him.

“I’m giving you the best years of my life.” She says, without a hint of irony. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“That’s something everyone thinks in their twenties.” If asked, Raidou would say that his thirties were the most peaceful he has had. But that has largely to do with Hurricane Kurenai no longer ruling his life. Yuugao tilts her head.

“I want to have your babies,” she says, “even if they rip me open.” Raidou frowns at the visual.

“I hope they don’t do that,” he says. He tries not to think about the fact that her having his baby means that he will, inevitably, cause her pain.

“They will, and I’ll love them for it,” she shrugs. “They are going to be little yous.”

“I hope not,” he says, “I’m ugly.” Yuugao groans.

“Another ugly joke.” She sighs, “show your appreciation by stopping those jokes.”

“They’re funny.” He says, defensive.

“But they aren’t funny to me.” She says, kissing his jaw. “Stop lying and stay here and stretch your aged limbs with me.” Raidou groans; it is how she knows that she has won.

As she assumes the position, she looks up at him with a hunger he has only ever seen in Kurenai. His hand is at the small of her back, and his last coherent thought, before he loses himself inside of her, is the immense, overwhelming joy that he and Yuugao are going to make it. She moans loudly, and he allows himself to enjoy his win.

**

Kurenai hasn’t stopped buzzing since she peed on the stick and it came back positive. She never thought she would be so happy to see two pink lines. She is over the moon. Perhaps a completely different galaxy. She is standing in the kitchen, fidgeting with her leg, as she looks through a giant stack of mail. Asuma sits at the kitchen table, chomping on nicotine gum, watching her.

It is safe to say that they are totally and completely in love. Things are going to work out. She can feel it in her tummy, right where their baby is growing. She quit Raidou and heavy drinking, and now Asuma is quitting smoking. Kurenai frowns at a flyer, tossing it onto the counter.

“Why people think anyone responds to flyers is beyond me.” She says. Asuma shrugs.

“People got to feel like they are trying somehow,” he says, “it helps small business owners feel like they have some control in what happens to them.”

“Stupid.” She deadpans. Asuma grins.

“You sound like Raidou,” he says. Three years have gone by, and he can now say that it amuses him to see how Raidou and Kurenai have shaped each other. It’s funny to see two very different people share the same quirks.

“He’s right about some things.” She says, tossing another flyer on the counter. She pauses for a second, and grins. “Speaking of,” she holds up a postcard, with a beach on it. Asuma grins.

“He speaks,” Asuma drawls. Raidou had frowned when Kurenai asked for a postcard.

“It’s addressed to you first.” Kurenai smirks.

“No way,” Asuma says. Kurenai nods.

“He has a petty streak,” she clears her throat, to do her best Raidou voice. “Asuma and Kurenai, I’m only sending this because you asked. The beach is nice, even though the water is cold.” She giggles, and Asuma smiles.

“That’s our Raidou,” he says, “not even bothering to sign it.”

“There’s more,” Kurenai composes herself, and clears her throat. “I’d ask you how you’re doing, but I’ll probably be on the way home by the time you get this card. This was the most tasteful one I could find. Yuugao thought I should buy a dirty one, but I spared us all.” Asuma laughs.

“I, for one, would have liked to receive a dirty postcard.” He says.

“Right?” Kurenai says, “Okay, so here is the rest. Yuugao hopes you’re doing well. I’ll see you when I get home. Begrudgingly, Raidou.”

“Begrudgingly? Wow,” Asuma pops his gum, amused.

“He bought an extra big one too,” Kurenai puts the rest of the mail down, and walks over to the fridge to put it up. “He wanted to use some big words.” She hums. “I’m seeing him for breakfast tomorrow. I’ll make fun of him then.” She smiles to herself. Kurenai likes her Raidou time.

“Are you going to tell him?” Asuma asks.

“I’ll do it tomorrow,” she turns to look at him.

“You should have told him when he had dinner with us.” Asuma says. Neither of their parents are around anymore, and Himself is an insufferable asshole. He had wanted Raidou to know first.

“He would have wanted to come to city hall with us,” Kurenai says, “you know how he gets.” Raidou is the kind of person who wants to be a part of all the big things in your life.

“He will be bitter about missing the shotgun wedding.” Especially when Genma ended up being their witness. He has lorded their secret marriage and pregnancy over them for the past week.

“He probably would have questioned its necessity.” She imitates his grumpy expression. “You know people will do the math, right?” Asuma smiles at her stern Raidou voice. “I’ll tell him tomorrow, I promise.”

“The math. Huh,” Asuma says, turning his chair out to face her. Kurenai smirks and takes the opportunity to climb onto his lap. He swallows his gum before she presses her mouth to his. Every time they do this, he feels like he has won something. Kurenai is undeniably good at kissing; part of it is skill, the other part is that she makes him feel like he is special for even receiving her attention, let alone putting her tongue in his mouth. Asuma pulls back. “Do you think he will actually be mad?” Kurenai groans.

“I do not want to talk about Raidou.” She still refuses to do it on the kitchen counter, which is holy ground, but there are all sorts of places where she and Asuma can go to town. Asuma grins, because a tiny, insecure part of him wonders if she still loves Raidou more. “I want to practice making a baby.” Asuma blinks.

“We already made a baby.” He grins. Kurenai shrugs. If there is one thing Raidou taught her about men, they love to stake their claim, even if they don’t outwardly act like it.

“So?” she says. Asuma hoists her up, and they land on the couch, her legs wrapped around him. She can’t believe that she chose Raidou over him. Kurenai can’t imagine being with anyone else now, and while Raidou is still daydream or an occasional fantasy, she doesn’t regret how things played out. They are all where they were meant to be. Perhaps fate isn’t such a bitter pill to swallow after all. If asked, Kurenai would even say that fate is on her side.

**

Raidou leans the passenger seat all the way back, so he is nearly lying down. Yuugao is driving. He looks up at her, as her eyes dart around. She is a hypervigilant driver; the kind who is always looking out for trouble. He smiles. She is the only other person who he lets drive his brother’s car.

“You know, you are the only person who I let drive the shit wagon.” He grins. Yuugao smiles, not taking her eyes off of the road.

“I’m flattered,” she replies, “why are you protective of it?” Raidou sighs.

“I let Genma drive it once, when he was fifteen. He drove it into a ditch, and he and I had to push it out with Kurenai at the wheel.” He thinks about that day every so often.

“Sounds like it’s your fault, for letting someone three years under the legal driving age get behind the wheel.” She smiles at him. “I guess you are irresponsible sometimes.”

“I learned my lesson about younger drivers,” he says. Yuugao smiles.

“So, why am I driving?”

“I am lazy in my old age.” He rubs his face. Yuugao flicks her eyes over to him.

“Take a nap. I can drive the rest of the way.” She puts her hand on his thigh, and he smiles.

“Okay,” he yawns. He falls asleep with no effort.

**

_She hangs her head over the toilet, waiting to ensure that another wave doesn’t hit before she stands up. She pants as she pulls the lever on the toilet, watching her breakfast disappear. She’s been puking for a week straight. She has a feeling she knows why this is happening, and she is terrified._

_Kurenai is fifteen years old, a chunnin, and now, she is quite possibly pregnant._ Fuck _. She dumped her civilian boyfriend two weeks ago, now, here she is, puking her guts up. Raidou and Asuma haven’t said anything, but she can tell that they are worried for her. She sits by the toilet, looking into the bowl. She looks over her shoulder when the bathroom door opens, and someone knocks on the stall. She looks at their toes. By the freckle on the toe, she can tell it is Raidou._

_“Go away,” she croaks._

_“This is the seventh day you’ve puked your guts up.” He sounds unimpressed. Kurenai is embarrassed that he, of all people, is here. “Open the door.” Kurenai frowns._

_“No.”_

_“You’re so stubborn,” he says, kneeling down. “If you’re sick, you should take time off. The team won’t mind.” Kurenai slouches, resting her back against the wall of the stall._

_“I’m not sick.” She says._

_“But you are puking every day.” He says, “that means you’re sick.” He leans down, and reaches his hand under the stall, taking hold of her foot. Life is full of indignities but having his face so close to the floor of the woman’s restroom is up there with the time his brother made him and Asuma clean the septic tank at their parents’ cottage, before they sold it._

_Kurenai looks at his hand, smiling. She puts her hand over his, curling her fingers into his palm. Despite himself, Raidou smiles._

_“I think I’m pregnant,” Kurenai says in a soft voice. Raidou blinks._

_“You think?” he asks._

_“I’m late and puking my guts up.” She says quietly._

_“Oh.” He says._

_“Yeah, oh.” They don’t say anything for a little bit. Raidou doesn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t even know she was sexually active. Kurenai and Asuma are so young to him, that he forgets that they are teenagers now. He’s seen Asuma talking to girls and he’s met all three of Kurenai’s boyfriends, but it all seemed like little kid stuff. He wonders if he should spare himself a second round of this conversation and have the talk with Asuma._

_“Have you taken a test?” he asks._

_“No,” she says in a small voice. “It’s embarrassing.” Raidou sighs. Kurenai and Asuma are older, but Raidou is still the grown up._

_“I’ll go buy one.” He says, “come to my place later.” Kurenai sniffs, squeezing his hand._

_“You’d really do that for me?” she asks._

_“Of course.” He says. “Do you want me to leave you for a little bit?”_

_“No,” she says. “Can you stay with me?”_

_“Okay.” Raidou sticks his head under the stall, “but can I come in? My face has been an inch from the bathroom floor this whole time.”_

_“Okay. But don’t let go of me.” She puts his hand back on her foot, and he holds on as she opens the door._

_When Raidou comes in, he sits beside her. She rests her head on his shoulder. He doesn’t flinch when she begins to cry._

**

Asuma looks at the plants in Kurenai’s windowsill. They are just about ready to bloom. “You didn’t kill these ones.” He smiles.

“It has taken awhile, but you finally found something I can’t kill.” She stands beside him. She reaches out to touch a soft bud. He looks down at her, in her red dress with her hair down. She always wears red lipstick. She’s so beautiful, it would hurt to look at if he didn’t wake up next to her every day.

“They will be pretty, when they bloom.” Ino had helped him choose them. _Kurenai-sensei will love these_. Ino has her quirks, but she is someone who believes in true love.

“You know, I saw it in a book that they are associated with comfort. But did you know they are associated with remembrance in the West? Hinata says they are used to remember soldiers who died in cataclysmic wars.” Kurenai taps a bud with her pointer finger. Something feels…off. She frowns to herself.

“You make it sound morbid,” Asuma yawns, turning away from the window. “I bought them because they are pretty, and they look like your eyes.” Kurenai blushes, which Asuma catches. It makes him grin. He spent a lot of time admiring her from afar. The last four years have made all that pining worth it. She puffs her cheeks at him.

“That’s lame,” she says, remembering herself. “I just thought you’d want to know more.” _When has Asuma ever wanted to know more?_ Raidou’s voice says in her head. She tells him to shut up, but her inner Raidou smirks in response. _You aren’t this sassy in real life_. “Are you going to wear your ring?” Asuma tilts his head.

“Are you going to wear yours?” he asks. Kurenai frowns.

“I want to tell Raidou first.” Showing up to breakfast wearing a wedding ring would not go over well. Not that he would be mad. Raidou would just complain about not being the first to know. “He has to find out before Himself.”

“Oh, we are on the same page,” Asuma says, walking towards the door. “I won’t wear it until you tell him. He is going to be mad enough about Genma being the witness.”

“He has no right to complain, when he is the one who went on vacation.” She watches Asuma put his sandals on.

“Call me when you tell him.” Asuma smiles. “I gotta run, but I’ll be back soon.” Most men wouldn’t be okay with their girlfriend being so close with an ex. But no man is really like Asuma.

“Are you going somewhere?” she asks. Asuma nods.

“Just a tracking mission.” He smiles. Kurenai has an odd feeling, but she ignores it.

“Okay,” she says. “Come home safe.”

“I always do,” he winks.

“I love you,” she says, still standing across the room from him. Asuma smiles.

_I love you too._

**

_Raidou sits on the bathroom floor, his back against the wall, watching Kurenai’s face twist up as she looks at the stick in her hand. She is sitting on the toilet, and she looks like she is going to shit herself._

_“Shit,” she whispers. “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck it all.” Raidou reaches for the stick._

_“Is it positive?” he asks. Kurenai looks at him like he is truly stupid._

_“Yes!” She shrieks, making him wince. “What am I going to do?” Raidou sighs._

_“Well, do you want it?” he asks. For him, the solution is obvious. Kurenai can’t become the shinobi she wants to be if she becomes a mom and carrying a pregnancy now would take her out of the game, so to speak. She knows this too. Kurenai places a hand over her stomach and apologizes to the little baby in there._

_“No,” she says, tears in her eyes. She will lose too much, if she keeps this baby. Raidou nods, understanding._

_“Well, we are going to make an appointment, and I will take you.” Raidou is used to responsibility. He likes having things to do, being useful to those around him. Kurenai looks down at him, her eyes big._

_“Where are we going to go?” she asks. Raidou blinks._

_“The hospital, I suppose.” He replies, standing up. Kurenai bites her lip._

_“We can’t go there.” He looks at her, confused._

_“Why not?” he asks, “where else can we go?” Raidou would do a lot for Kurenai, but he draws the line at performing a back-alley abortion. Kurenai hugs herself, thinking._

_“Too many people know me.” She replies. Raidou rolls his eyes._

_“Then we will go to a civilian hospital in the next town over.” He says, “it’s not that complicated.” He leaves the bathroom and pulls out the phonebook. He has her call the hospital in the next town, which connects them to a clinic. Kurenai does her best to sound brave on the phone, but he can tell that she is scared. He goes to the kitchen and pulls out a juice box for her, which she gratefully accepts._

_She gets an appointment for next week. Raidou puts it in the little planner he keeps on his desk, including the address and the phone number._

_“I’ll get my brother’s car.” He says._

_“You think The Eagle won’t mind?” she asks. Raidou rolls his eyes at her nickname._

_“You’re the only one who calls him that.” He tuts. She grins._

_“Because I’m the one who saw him jump up and knock you and Asuma off the branch like you were nothing.” She grins like a little kid. His brother likes the name, which is why Raidou and Asuma categorically refuse to use it. However, Kurenai and Genma love sucking up to him, so his brother gets his way somehow._

_“Is there anyone else you want to tell?” he asks. Kurenai sucks back on her straw, thinking._

_“I’ll tell Genma,” she says. He, out of all their friends, knew she was having sex. He will probably give her an ‘I told you so,’ but she wouldn’t mind it, coming from him._

_“What about Asuma?” Raidou asks. They both disliked Kurenai’s recent ex, the father of her baby. The first two ‘boyfriends’ were just guys who she held hands with for a week. This recent one was an asshole. He always had little ways of putting Kurenai down, and he is one of those guys that holds his girlfriends by the neck. Like, they would be eating ramen, and this asshole would have his hand on the back of Kurenai’s neck. Kakashi refers to him as a mere vertebrate. Anko said he gave her the creeps, and Guy didn’t like the way he spoke to Kurenai._ He talks to her like she is a bug _. Aoba and Shizune never said anything, but you know they hate someone when they don’t speak in their presence. Ibiki pretended he didn’t exist. Genma, the most loyal of them all, told Kurenai that she should dump her ex, right in front of him. She didn’t talk to Genma for a week, but two months later, it was mercifully over, until this happened._

_Not even his brother liked her ex, and he is the king of finding everyone’s redeeming traits._

_Kurenai mulls over the idea of telling Asuma. Raidou knows because he is Raidou, and Genma gets to know because he is the one person she would call if she had to hide a dead body. But she doesn’t want anyone else to know. Asuma wouldn’t judge her, but she doesn’t think he would like her as much if she was anything but the cool, pretty girl who didn’t like him back. She isn’t interested, but she likes his admiration. It feeds her ego._

_“Are you going to tell the father?” Raidou asks. Kurenai shakes her head. He is the last person she wants to tell. She would tell her father over him._

_“Definitely not.” Raidou nods._

_“Okay.” He sighs, “let me know if you change your mind. She sucks loudly on her juice box, reminding them both that she is little more than a kid herself. Her legs are still too long for her body._

_“I won’t,” she says softly. Raidou nods. He knows her mind is made up, but it would be rude for him to close the door._

**

Raidou and Yuugao got home late last night. He wakes up, his face in her back, and sighs. He rolls over on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Raidou checks the clock and gets up when he realizes the time. _Maybe my bio-clock isn’t as set as I thought_ , he thinks. He hops in the shower and is finished in under ten minutes. When he comes back into the bedroom, Yuugao is still asleep. He puts on his underwear and pants, before reaching for his deodorant. He looks around, and grins when he sees the blue Hawaiian dad shirt Yuugao bought for him. _It brings out your tan_.

He pulls it over his head, and kisses Yuugao before he leaves. She makes a noise in her sleep, and it pulls on his heart. He is out the door in five minutes, and jogs to the diner.

His time with Kurenai feels like a liminal space, a hazy dream, even though it was nine years. When he opens the door and sees her sitting at the table, her hair down and in the red dress she wears off-duty, he feels as if he is back in the dream. He walks over, and grins when they make eye contact. She smiles at him, and for a second, it feels like it once did. The charge is still there. It’s just been pushed back.

“A dad shirt,” Kurenai says, “wow.”

“Yuugao got it for me,” he says, sitting down. “I’m her Daddy, I guess.” Kurenai makes a face at him, while he smirks back.

“You’re tan,” she says, eyeing the silver chain around his neck. Yuugao bought it for him. Kurenai has learned to ride out the impulse to lick it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. She touches her tongue to the back of her teeth.

“You’re glowing,” he says. Kurenai has always been radiant, at least to him, but there is something especially otherworldly pretty about her today. “You look good.” Kurenai smirks, because she is going to bask in that _you look good_ for a week.

“You do too,” she says, “even though you are dressed like someone’s dad.” She smacks her lips together, just to be obnoxious. He smiles.

“I’m middle-aged,” he shrugs, “the big three-five.” Kurenai wants to joke about calling him daddy, but she shouldn’t. She is going to be someone’s mother. She needs to be appropriate. Besides, she was never able to convince Raidou to ever use his vacation time. Kurenai needs to gracefully let him go. So, she changes the subject.

“You still thinking about kids?” she asks. She wants to tell him so bad, but she wants to wait. Kurenai wants to savor the minutes before she confirms, to him, that things are officially over. _I will never be your problem again_. It’s a little sad, when she puts it like that.

“Kids?” he asks, his arms crossed. She nods. “Well, we’re trying.” He says, uncertain. He knows it disappoints Yuugao every time her period comes. “Yuugao has a doctor’s appointment today.” He shrugs. Kurenai swallows. This isn’t the moment to tell him. Thankfully, the waitress comes over and takes their order, and ten minutes, it is at their table.

“Speedy service,” he says, breaking their silence. Kurenai smiles.

“Some things don’t change.” She sips her coffee, thinking about how different things are now. She loves Asuma, with her whole being, and their little baby. But Raidou is still himself.

One thing that hasn’t changed, is that Raidou will swipe a piece of Kurenai’s waffles if she isn’t looking. He laughs at her dumb expression.

“You’re always stealing from me.” She pouts.

“Eat faster,” he says, his mouth full.

“I’ll choke. Do you want that?” Kurenai scowls when Raidou shrugs impassively. “You’re a parasite.”

“You’re a bigger one.” He replies, not missing a beat.

“My intentions are always good.” She picks up a piece of waffle and stuffs it into her mouth.

“Everyone always says that,” he replies, “and you’re saying mine aren’t good?”

“Yes, I am,” she replies, “I have nobler intentions. Raidou snorts, loudly.

“ _Sure_.”

“What does that mean?” she asks. Kurenai knows that he is thinking about that horrible year.

“It would be petty to bring it up,” he replies, reaching for his coffee.

“So, you are going to gesture at it?” she asks.

“I have forgiven you. I’m in a good place right now.” He says. Kurenai opens her mouth to reply, when a masked man with a scroll appears. Anbu. He holds a scroll out to Raidou, who opens it in front of Kurenai. “Shit,” he says, reading it. “I have to bail.” He sticks his hand in his pocket to pay for his breakfast, but Kurenai gestures for him to stop. “Thanks.” He looks at the scroll. “Asuma is on the roster too.” He grins, “I’ll say hi to him.” Kurenai rubs her lips together. If she is going to say something, now is the time.

Now that she thinks about it, tracking missions are beneath Anbu. _What am I missing?_ Raidou and Asuma don’t seem worried, but they are men. It is easy for them to forget that there are people who rely on them to come home. 

Raidou stands up and smiles. “I’ve got to go home and change, but thanks for breakfast.” He puts his hand on the back of her head as he leans down to kiss her brow. Yuugao has made it easier for him to be outwardly affectionate. “I’ll catch you later.” Her head tingles from where he touched her.

“Wait!” She says, grabbing his wrist. He looks down at her, head tilted.

“What is it?” he asks. Her hand falls.

“You two better come home in one piece.” Raidou blinks. It’s been awhile since she has demanded his safe return.

“Asuma isn’t that stupid, and I’m reliable,” he says. “It’s going to be fine.” Kurenai frowns. Every bad thing that has ever happened to the two of them has occurred after he has said everything will be fine. Raidou sighs and kneels down to her. “Here, I’ll give you something to worry about. Can you do me a favor and keep an eye on Yuugao for me? Call her if I’m not back by tomorrow?” he asks. Raidou and Asuma have become closer. Kurenai and Yuugao are still acquaintances. Kurenai prefers it that way, but she nods. Raidou smiles and kisses her forehead again. “I love you, Kurenai.” She doesn’t have to say it. He knows she loves him too.

But this mission feels different from the others. She won’t leave anything unsaid. “I love you, Raidou.” He smiles at her, before he stands up and walks away.

She realizes that she didn’t tell him, after he is out the door.

**

_Kurenai lies on the table, her feet in stirrups, open to the world. The doctor explains the procedure to her, but it is going over her head. The details bore her. She wants this thing out. The nurses all treat her kindly because she is young. When they entered the clinic, Raidou and Genma mean mugged all the people who looked at her. They didn’t have to, but it did make her feel safe._

_Looking up at the ceiling, she thinks about the few times she has had sex. Only a handful, and they were all uncomfortable. She wasn’t pinned down or coerced, but looking back, your reaction to your boyfriend having sex with you shouldn’t be paralysis. She wishes it hadn’t happened. Not the way it did, with the person it ended up being. She wonders if she will ever have the kind of sex where the guy makes you feel safe and wanted and like he would immediately stop if you asked him to? Because that’s what sex had lacked for her: trust and safety._

_Trust. Safety. Trust. Safety. A mask is put over her mouth, and she is asked to count to ten. She falls into a black pit when she reaches six._

**

Raidou pulls his mesh undershirt over his head, and then his black turtleneck. He walks out of the bedroom and reaches for his flak jacket when he is at the door. Yuugao sits on the couch, watching him. “I’ll be home soon,” he says, checking to make sure his cloak is in his pocket, in case it rains. He grabs his sword, the infamous black blade, and straps it to his back. Yuugao stands up and walks over to him.

She doesn’t feel good, not at all. Something doesn’t feel right. “Come home safe,” she says. Raidou smiles.

“I always do.” He replies, checking his pockets for his keys. Raidou smiles when he hears them jangle, and Yuugao softens. “You ready for your doctor’s appointment? I can walk you.”

“It’s not for another few hours.” She smiles. Raidou looks at her carefully.

“Is it about the baby thing?” he asks. Yuugao shakes her head. “You sure?”

“Positive,” she smiles, “it’s just a physical for Anbu.” Raidou nods. He doesn’t entirely believe her, but he knows enough to respect her privacy.

“Well, I’ll be back soon.” He kisses her on the mouth. Pulling back, he smiles into her eyes. “I love you, a lot.” Yuugao nods her head.

“I love you too.” She sighs. “Just…don’t take any big risks on this one. I don’t feel good about today.” Raidou smiles.

“It’s going to be okay.” He opens the door. “I’ll be home before you know it.”

When he walks out the door, she knows, with a sinking feeling, that he won’t come back the same.

**

_Genma stands next to Raidou in the waiting room. Kurenai will be out any minute. “Do you think they flush it down the toilet?” Genma asks. Raidou groans._

_“No, Genma,” he says, “there are laws around this kind of thing.”_

_“I was just curious,” Genma replies. Raidou opens his mouth to reply, but Kurenai comes into view. She looks a little pale and woozy. He steps up to her, putting an arm around her. He tosses the car keys to Genma, who smiles._

_“Really?” he asks._

_“Truly,” Raidou drones. He has taken Genma on enough practice drives, and the roads are deserted this time of night. Raidou wants to stay next to Kurenai. It just feels like the place he ought to be._

_When they get to the car, Raidou and Kurenai sit in the back. Her head rests on his shoulder, and he holds her hand. Genma grumbles about their sad girl music, but Raidou barks at him to focus on the road._

_They are ten minutes away from Konoha, when Genma swerves to avoid hitting a squirrel. One minute they are on the road, the next, Genma is panicking, Raidou is swearing and Kurenai is shrieking._

_“Stop yelling at me!” Genma exclaims, his hands moving faster than the wheel._

_“Keep down,” Raidou barks at Kurenai, putting an arm over Kurenai’s head. She stays in his armpit, and Raidou reflexively holds tight when Genma drives into the ditch. The three of them sit in the car, panting._

_“Everyone alright?” Raidou asks. Kurenai squeaks from his armpit, and Genma nods. “Okay, let’s figure this one out.” They all get out of the car, and stare for a good five minutes. Eventually, Kurenai gets into the driver’s seat as Genma and Raidou push. They get the car out in ten minutes._

_“No more driving for you,” Raidou huffs at Genma, pointing to the back of the car. Kurenai sits in the passenger seat, as Raidou starts the car. Genma complains about his demotion the whole way home. Raidou rests his hand on her thigh, and it makes Kurenai feel whole._

_Raidou’s brother is waiting for them when they pull into the driveway. Raidou gets out first, followed by Genma and then Kurenai._

_“You’re late,” his brother says. “You’re lucky your dads are all out on missions, and Raidou, you are especially lucky that Moms isn’t here.” Raidou rolls his eyes._

_“Something came up,” he says. His brother frowns._

_“Like what?” he asks. Raidou shrugs._

_“Building a bomb,” Raidou retorts. His brother crosses his arms, and Genma and Kurenai look at each other._

_“If you’re going to lie, don’t be an asshole. I told Genma and Kurenai’s moms that you were all here.” His brother sighs. “Just tell me where you were.” Kurenai gulps, and Genma looks a little green. It’s hard to lie to Raidou’s brother._

_“Something important. I can’t tell you what, but it needed to happen.” Raidou says, handing his brother the keys. “Just trust us.” His brother nods, pressing his lips together._

_“Alright. Genma, Kurenai, go home.” He turns back to the front door, and Genma gives a salute before jogging in the direction of home._

_“I’ll walk you,” Raidou says to Kurenai. She frowns, shaking her head._

_“I don’t want to go.” She says in a small voice. She plays with the pills in her pockets. Antibiotics and pain medication. Raidou nods._

_“You can stay here,” he says. When he turns around, his brother is staring at the two of them from the front door._

_“What?” he asks. Raidou takes Kurenai’s hand and walks towards the house._

_“Kurenai is staying here tonight,” he says. His brother blinks._

_“Where?”_

_“In my room.” Raidou says. His brother scoffs._

_“You want me to let two teenagers share a bed?” he asks. Raidou rolls his eyes._

_“It’s not like that,” he says, “she doesn’t want to go home, and we had a long day. Just let her stay.” Raidou huffs, “we go on missions together all the time, and we’ve shared beds since we were little.” His brother stares at them, for what feels like hours but is only a minute, before he sighs, for what feels like the billionth time._

_“Fine.” He opens the door, “but no funny business.” Raidou frowns. To him, Kurenai is just a kid. He doesn’t think about her that way. Kurenai lets go of his hand and enters the house first. He watches her kick off her shoes and run up the stairs._

_“I mean it,” his brother steps in front of the open door, as Raidou steps forward. He is backlit by the lights in the house, making him seem scarier than he is._

_“Never,” Raidou says. His brother frowns._

_“You know, more likely than not, that is going to change one day.” He says. Raidou rolls his eyes._

_“Not in your lifetime.” Raidou says._

_“We’re talking about your lifetime,” his brother crosses his arms._

_“We’re going to live for the same amount of time. It’s interchangeable.” Raidou sticks his arm in past his brother. “Can I go inside now?”_

_His brother steps aside, and Raidou goes into the house. “What should I say to Kurenai’s mom? Someone has to call her.” Raidou bites his lip, thinking._

_“Just tell her we are too tired to walk over.” It’s the truth. His brother nods._

_“I’ll say she is on the couch.” Raidou salutes his brother and kicks his sandals off. Kurenai stands in the middle of his room, hugging herself. He passes her a clean shirt and boxers, and tells her she can shower first, if she wants. She takes him up on it._

**

When Raidou gets to Hokage Tower, Asuma approaches him first. Raidou tucks his hands into his pockets and smiles. Asuma is giving him a big, hopeful look, which Raidou doesn’t understand.

“What?” he asks. Asuma blinks.

“What do you mean, what?” he replies.

“You’re looking at me funny.” Raidou says. “Everyone is so weird today.” Asuma frowns.

“What do you mean, weird?” he asks.

“Well, I saw Kurenai at breakfast, and then I got the summon, so I had to go and change,” Raidou says, “and Yuugao was there. They were both weird, and now you’re being weird too.”

“What did they do, exactly?” Asuma asks.

“Kurenai and Yuugao are just worried, that’s all,” Raidou snorts, “I don’t know what for.” Asuma tilts his head.

“So, you did see Kurenai at breakfast.” He says. Raidou nods.

“She ate waffles and called me a parasite.” He says, “she acted weird when I got the summons. Like she thinks something bad is going to happen.” Raidou isn’t paying attention to Asuma.

Asuma, very badly, wants to tell Raidou about the baby. He wants _someone_ to know. He fingers the ring in his pocket and thinks about slipping it on. Raidou looks back at him.

“You okay?” he asks. Asuma nods.

“I’m fine. How was your vacation?” he asks. Raidou smiles.

“There was a beach, water.” He shrugs, “it was nice.” Asuma opens his mouth to reply when the teams are called out. Aoba waves, standing with Ino, Chouji and Shikamaru.

“Looks like I got Ino and Chouji,” he says. Asuma smiles.

“Trained ‘em myself,” he says, pride evident.

“They better be,” Raidou replies. They walk over to their teams, slow on purpose.

“It feels like they were twelve two seconds ago,” Asuma says. Raidou shrugs.

“I’m not big on the future, but it’s weird how time works.” He replies.

“Children are the future,” Asuma says, without a hint of irony.

“You sound like one of those ‘think of the children’ assholes who uses that logic to keep things the same.” Raidou drawls. Asuma shrugs, because he can’t deny the accuracy of Raidou’s statement.

“I’m just saying that we do all of this to protect our children, because they are our future.” He says in a dreamy tone. Raidou frowns.

“Are you sure you’re not the one trying to have a baby?” Raidou asks. He wonders if the gods can feel his own reservations about bringing a child into the world. They aren’t enough to stop him from trying, but they are there.

“Yeah.” Asuma laughs, “I’m definitely not trying.” Something about his voice makes Raidou suspicious.

“Okay,” he says. Asuma sighs, since it is a matter of seconds before they are with everyone else.

“Look, you might as well practice this kind of thinking now.” Asuma grins, “it’s only a matter of time before you have to affirm the future.” Raidou snorts.

“Lame.”

“You know, one could even say the future is already here.” Asuma says in a sing-song voice. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“One could.” He says, walking over to Aoba. He doesn’t even wave as he leaves Asuma behind. He figures he will see him later. If the future is here, it is all but guaranteed that he will see Asuma again, soon.

**

_Raidou and Asuma walk on either side of Kurenai. She is babbling about something, but neither listens to her. They nod, to make it seem like they are, but it’s just to be polite. For some reason, she gets really amped after missions, when all Raidou and Asuma want to do is pass out._

_They all go on alert when they hear a loud crash. Just up ahead, they see Kurenai’s ex flying across the road, into the wall of a building. Himself and Raidou’s brother walk towards him, who is trembling on the ground. It is one thing to know that shinobi are stronger than civilians. It is different to see it._

_Raidou’s brother kneels down and says something, pointing in their direction. All three look at Raidou, Kurenai and Asuma at the same time. Himself and Raidou’s brother appear neutral. Kurenai’s ex-boyfriend, on the other hand, gets up and runs in the opposite direction. Raidou’s brother stands up, and they walk over to the trio._

_“You’re not supposed to do that,” Raidou says. Himself blinks, impassive. His brother shrugs._

_“Just thought I’d catch up with him.” He replies._

_“You sent him flying,” Asuma says. Kurenai pointedly says nothing. Raidou feels like there is something he and Asuma don’t know. He looks at Kurenai, who is chewing the inside of her cheek._

_“I never liked the guy.” Raidou’s brother says. He looks at Kurenai, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Let me know if he comes back around.” His brother pauses, waiting for Kurenai to nod. “Date someone likable next time,” he smiles, patting her shoulder. “See you later.” Himself starts walking, and his brother follows him. Raidou and Asuma stare at his back, until they turn to look at Kurenai._

_“No way would they ever let us do something like that,” Asuma says. Raidou nods in agreement._

_“Did something happen?” Raidou asks Kurenai. He thought she told him everything, but now he is curious. Kurenai crosses her arms, her talkative mood decisively over._

_“No,” she says. She never said anything to Raidou’s brother or Himself. She hasn’t told anyone about the ceiling of her ex-boyfriend’s room, or the panicky feeling you have when you realize the person inside of you is someone you do not, cannot and will not ever, trust. She doesn’t know how to talk about these feelings, especially not to the men around her._

_“You’d tell us if something happened, right?” Asuma asks. Kurenai looks down at the ground._

_“Yeah, of course.” She says. Neither of them believes her, so they take her to get dumplings. Her good mood returns, and Raidou nearly passes out at the table while Asuma keeps yawning._

_Kurenai smiles at them. “What?” they ask in unison._

_“Nothing,” she hums. This is what it feels like to be with men you trust._

**

Yuugao crosses and uncrosses her legs, fidgeting in the waiting room. The doctor’s office smells sterile, not clean. The difference is that sterile smells dead, while clean smells alive. _Don’t think that_ , she tells herself. She has some test results coming in today. Shizune had told her not to worry. The chances of anything coming back abnormal is small.

She had been reluctant to perform any tests, but Yuugao insisted. She knows that something isn’t right. Yuugao can feel it, every time her period comes. She frowns, thinking about how badly she wants to have a family with Raidou. She is lucky to have found him, especially after Hayate. She wants to have Raidou’s babies, desperately. It’s not feminist, but it is what she wants.

She thinks about the gnawing in her stomach. Yuugao just feels…awful. Like something horrible is around the corner. She last felt this way when Hayate didn’t come home, that awful night. She doesn’t think she could live through it again. Not with Raidou. She wonders where he is and how he is impervious to all the ominous energy surrounding this mission. She isn’t superstitious, but Yuugao knows something very, very bad is going to happen. Like everything will fall apart.

The nurse pokes her head in and calls to Yuugao. She stands up, and accepts that she is about crash, headfirst, into fate.

**

_Raidou drove them out to look at the stars. Yuugao and Asuma are both out of town, and there is nothing better to do. They used to do this with his brother, so it isn’t a date. His brother casts a long shadow. On nights like this, they miss him very much. Kurenai lies back, looking up while Raidou opens a can of soda. He bought her the fancy, blood orange kind._

_“You splurged,” she says, taking the can from him. He shrugs._

_“Anything for you,” he mumbles, opening his own can. He just got cheap, orange pop. Raidou insists that, if the soda is a neon orange, it is no longer soda; it is pop. It is one of the few neuroses of his that she actually finds annoying. Imagine, being corrected every time you say soda. So, she dropped both words from her vocabulary. “I have something to tell you,” he says. Kurenai bends her legs._

_“Okay.” She is pretty sure she knows what it is, but he could surprise her. He has done it in the past._

_“Yuugao and I are going to try for a baby,” he says. Kurenai sighs._

_“Asuma told me.” Raidou frowns._

_“I wanted you to hear it from me.” Kurenai sits up, so she can look at him._

_“Why’d you tell him first?” she asks quietly. Raidou doesn’t say anything at first._

_“He knew my brother,” he finally says. Kurenai frowns._

_“I knew your brother too,” she says. Raidou sighs._

_“If I have a kid, Himself would want to be an uncle, and no kid deserves to only have Himself as an uncle.” It’s not the whole reason, but it is part of the reason._

_“Your kid will have me,” Kurenai says, putting a hand on his knee. Raidou shrugs._

_“Asuma felt right,” he says. A long moment of silence follows._

_“Is it because of us?” she asks in a small voice. Raidou nods._

_“Yeah.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, like he has a headache._

_“I’m happy for you,” she says, smiling at him. When he turns his head, he is relieved to see the smile on her face._

_“I’m happy for you too,” he says, “so happy, that you can tell Yuugao you’re pregnant first.” Kurenai rolls her eyes._

_“I will never, ever tell Yuugao something first,” she says, “you’re my star in the sky.” Raidou scratches his chin, thinking._

_“You’re my…” he trails off, “eye.”_

_“Your eye?” she says, unimpressed. “That’s not cute at all.”_

_“It’s functional,” he teases, “and it’s true. You’re the middle of the storm, you’ve changed the way I see the world, you’re like a part of me. I wouldn’t be an ‘I’ without you. You’re like the organ and the center and the pronoun to me.” He pauses, looking at her. They hold eye contact for just a little too long. “If you want me to make it cutesy, I’ll call you ‘my little eye,’ with a straight face and everything.” He pokes her nose._

_“That’s part of a game.” She says. He rolls his eyes._

_“There is no way you came up with ‘my star in the sky’ on your own,” he replies._

_“I heard the phrase in a song, but I’ve always thought of you as my star,” she lies back. He follows her, turning onto his side to look at her._

_“You play games with me, and the word play is clever.” He smiles, “my little eye.” He rolls onto his back._

_“My star in the sky,” she hums._

_Eyes blink and stars eventually die. Finitude sets the terms of life._

**

Kurenai lies on her back. She blinks up at her ceiling fan. She just has a bad feeling. Like, her literal guts are panicking, trembling inside of her. She wonders if it will stress the baby out. Hopefully not.

They have all been sent on worse missions and have dealt with shittier odds. _But a tracking mission from Anbu?_ Raidou is used to those kinds of summons, because he gets them for hits and presumably, they are what Yuugao gets. It’s been a long time since an Anbu operative has shown up in Kurenai’s presence. She and Asuma just don’t get those kinds of jobs anymore.

Asuma isn’t the kind of person to worry, and Raidou deals with death in such explicit terms that it doesn’t scare him anymore. _But something doesn’t feel right, not at all_. She sits up, her insides fluttering, and wonders if she should eat something. It might help. _And the baby…_ Kurenai can’t let her anxiety get the best of her. Not when there is a little baby inside of her.

What would Asuma say if he were here? Raidou? Fuck, even Genma? They would all dismiss her, tell her that things will be okay. _We’re all still breathing, right?_ But people die every day, and there is no way to predict who it will be.

 _Why did I jump to death?_ She wonders. There are other bad things that could happen. The ice caps are melting, there is a hole in the ozone, it feels like half the world is on fire on any given day. Maybe there will just be a housefire. Or someone will break a limb. Shitty but survivable.

 _Yes_ , she thinks, _no matter what happens, we are all going to survive_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I'm back sooner than I thought I would be. I am gonna try for weekly updates, but it may have to be every two weeks. The entire story is outlined, so it's just a matter of filling it in. I'm excited about where it is going. The next eleven chapters will happen during the events of Shippuden. Obviously, a lot of it is going to be a bummer. 
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think! They always make me smile, and it means a lot to know that other people care about Raidou, who is pretty much a crack character. 
> 
> “My star in the sky” reference to “Fourth of July” by Sufjan Stevens. "My little eye" is an allusion to "I spy with my little eye."


	12. A Singular Fork Lightning (Strikes the Ground)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life, death and infertility.

“What could I have said to raise you from the dead?”

Sufjan Stevens, “Fourth of July”

Kurenai has drunk three cans of ginger ale, eaten two slices of toast and she is definitely overwatering her plants. But the gnawing feeling in her stomach has only increased. She put on her wedding ring, to feel closer to Asuma, but it only makes her feel more panicky. Like her stomach ache is now inside her brain.

The pressure in her head has grown so bad, she wants to take her ring off and flush it down the toilet. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. She would even rip off the skin of her fingers, whatever she has to do to not feel this way. She takes the ring off, throwing it onto the table. It bounces, hitting the floor and rolling under the couch. She breathes, in and out, watching it.

Without thinking, she dives for the floor, pushing the couch with her shoulder, snapping the ring back up. _Stupid, stupid_ , she thinks, shoving it back over her ring finger. She wants to stay connected to Asuma. She wants him to comeback, and he won’t, if she keeps acting like this. The universe gives you what you ask for: Kurenai wants Asuma to come home, so she needs to act like it.

Kurenai’s guts don’t settle, but she is able sit down without shaking. _Asuma is going to come home_. She thinks about Raidou’s words: _Asuma isn’t dumb enough to die_. She puts her hand over her stomach, thinking about her little baby. _Your father is so excited to meet you. He wouldn’t miss it for the world_. Kurenai would never call her time with Raidou a waste, but she wants more time with Asuma.

He deserves all the time she has left.

**

When they find nothing at their depot, Raidou and Aoba prepare to wait. Ino and Chouji don’t seem bothered, so he doesn’t say anything, but Raidou can’t stop thinking about what Kurenai and Yuugao said this morning. The longer they wait, with no message arriving, the tenser he gets.

Maybe today _will_ be a bad day. He looks over at Aoba, who is also frowning. Raidou opens his mouth to say something, when the message arrives. His stomach sinks when he realizes it is from Team Asuma. Raidou sets the pace. It could take them as long as fifteen minutes but judging by how long it took to send the message in the first place, they only have five. He sets the pace, going faster and faster.

When they get there, he and Aoba don’t even think. Using his cloak, Raidou disguises himself in Aoba’s crows, and he manages to fend off at least one of the Akatsuki. Raidou isn’t thinking very much beyond getting everyone out of there in one piece, and he thinks today won’t be so bad after all, until he sees Asuma. Really sees him.

Asuma is on his knees, and from a distance, he looks okay. But Asuma’s posture is too tight, and his arms are slack. His face is stunned; like, he wasn’t surprised to be mortally wounded, just shocked by how painless it actually is to die. Raidou knows that face, because he has inflicted mortal wounds more times than he can count. They all look the same. Just a little stunned to die, that’s all.

 _Asuma isn’t that stupid, and I’m reliable. It’s going to be fine_. Raidou wants to throw up.

 _My eye_ , he despairs, _my eye_.

It’s like the back of his eyeballs are being pinched. When he covers Asuma’s body with his cloak, Raidou knows that everything will fall apart.

**

 _Kurenai drinks, a lot. Genma tells her that she is worse than a fish, but she insists that is not the case._ Fish aren’t this pretty when they’re drunk _. Genma’s reply is always the same:_ you’re not that pretty _._

_She crosses her legs under the table and drains the shot of vodka before her. Asuma looks at her, head tilted, amused. She can drink a lot. It impresses him._

_“You shouldn’t drink so much vodka,” he says, lighting a cigarette. “At this rate, you won’t have a liver.” Kurenai frowns._

_“You shouldn’t smoke,” she replies, “your lungs are all black on the inside.”_

_“I could find a way to weaponize the tar building up in there,” he grins. Kurenai smiles back, before she orders another shot. Neither of them will be changing any time soon._

**

Yuugao sits in the exam room, kicking her legs out. She feels nervous, like there are bubbles in her guts trying come back up. Sometimes, she burps when she gets nervous. It never happens on missions. Only in her personal life. When she was last here, Shizune performed a battery of tests. None of them hurt. Yuugao hopes the results won’t be where the pain kicks in.

Shizune comes into the room, holding a file. Yuugao studies her face closely. Shizune smiles, but her face looks tight. Yuugao doesn’t need to be told. She’s Anbu, so she resolves to take it on the chin, the way she’d been taught.

“Hi Yuugao,” Shizune smiles. “How are you?”

“Nervous,” Yuugao says. The two women nod at each other, understanding what follows to be a mere formality. She knows.

“Well, the results are in,” Shizune says. There’s a pause, thinking over her next few words. “Yuugao, I am so sorry to say this, but you are infertile.” Yuugao blinks. She knew this was coming, but it hits her between the eyes. She’s not surprised to hear this, but she is stunned to feel this numb.

“Oh.” Yuugao says. Shizune holds out a brochure. Yuugao takes it. _Infertility: Just a Different Beginning_. Yuugao blinks. _Who the fuck came up with that?_ Raidou would tell her that the person who came up with it needs to be punched in the throat. _How fucking stupid_ , Daydream Raidou says in her ear.

“There are options, of course, but here is some information about local support groups.” Shizune says. She looks at Yuugao with pity. Yuugao still can’t believe it, not really. _This isn’t real_. She can’t be infertile. She is only twenty-five. It stuns her, how quickly she jumps from acceptance to denial.

“Why?” she asks. Shizune gives her a funny look.

“Why?” she repeats. Yuugao nods.

“Give me the specifics.” Yuugao asks. “What’s missing?” Shizune sighs.

“There is no why, I’m afraid. You’re in excellent physical health, in your prime years, you don’t smoke or drink heavily. Sometimes,” Shizune says, dragging the word out, like she too is looking for the answer. “Well, sometimes, there is no reason.” Yuugao nods her head.

“Okay.”

“Is there anyone I can call?” Shizune asks. “Raidou is out, but I’m sure there is someone else who can come get you.” Yuugao thinks about her mom. But she can’t face her. None of her friends will understand. She feels completely alone.

“No, I think I just want to go home.” Yuugao says. Shizune nods.

“You know, I know we aren’t friends, but if you need to talk…” Shizune trails off. Yuugao thinks it’s sweet, how all of Raidou’s friends step up for Kurenai. Because, really, ideally, Yuugao would be able to confide in her. If something like this happened to Asuma, he could tell Raidou, no problem. Three years have passed, and Kurenai and Yuugao are still relative strangers.

Thinking about Kurenai makes her feel even lonelier. Yuugao looks down at the pamphlet in her hand. “Thanks,” Yuugao says, “but I think I want to just go home.” Shizune nods and leaves the room first. Yuugao’s eyes sting, and her belly burns.

**

You never really know what your worst nightmare is until it manifests. Even when you confront it, you know that there is no such thing as a worst nightmare. It’s always shifting to some new disaster that you can’t picture surviving.

Raidou never saw this coming. He stands in Tsunade’s office, after watching Ino realize she couldn’t save Asuma, Shikamaru carry the burden of his last words, and Chouji carry him home. It’s horrible, watching death force people to grow up. This morning, everyone but Yuugao and Kurenai were in a good mood. _They were right_. He will never dismiss either of them again. The two of them sensed the evil long before it even crossed Kakazu and Hidan’s minds to kill Asuma.

Raidou stares into the floor, his stomach twisting. He is _angry_. From deep within his stomach. Kakazu recognized his sword and wanted Asuma killed for a bounty. Killed for money and a fucked up cult. Asuma didn’t deserve that end. He believes… _believed_ in the future. Change. Progress. Raidou inhales, listening to Shikamaru give the report. He blinks when Kurenai’s name is mentioned. “Someone needs to tell Kurenai.”

Shikamaru, who is now a man, steps up. He heard Asuma’s last words, so he has the morbid task of telling Kurenai that the person she loves most, is dead. When Shikamaru leaves, Raidou exhales and looks at Aoba.

“He’s really dead,” Aoba says.

“Yeah.” Raidou says in a small voice. “I’m going to follow Shikamaru. Check on Kurenai.” Aoba nods.

“There is nothing we could have done differently.” Aoba says, more for himself than Raidou.

“You sure?” Raidou says. Aoba doesn’t nod. He just looks at Raidou with a sad look. They both know that, if they had known sooner, they would have made it faster. Asuma might still be dead, but if it’s bounty they were after, maybe Raidou would be dead too, and from where he stands, he would rather be in hell than face the look in Kurenai’s eyes when he has to tell her she was right, so _, so,_ right.

**

Kurenai feels sick. She is pacing. She threw up twice. The flowers fell from their stems, without properly blooming. It’s all ominous. Something is wrong. There is a knock at the door. She jumps, but she recovers herself. It isn’t Asuma, who would just walk in. That is concerning. But it isn’t Raidou, and she is certain that if something happened, he would tell her.

But that doesn’t solve the mystery of who is knocking on her door and why they are there.

Cupping her hand over her mouth, she checks to make sure her breath still smells like toothpaste, not like vomit. Another knock. Kurenai shakes out her hair, smoothing her dress. _Whatever is on the other side of that door, I am going to survive and have my baby_.

She walks to the door and opens it, smiling. When she sees Shikamaru, with his hands in his pockets and eyes rimmed read, she knows that her premonition was correct. She doesn’t even hear him. She gasps, like she’d been punched in the stomach, and falls to the floor. She knows, in the core of her being, that Asuma is dead.

All of his last words go over her head. Her ears are blocked. She is greedy, and she wants to eat every one of his last words, and then regurgitate them back up to devour them again, but her ears aren’t open. She is physically incapable of hearing them.

But the name: _Mirai_ , the future—the future, the future without Asuma. The future he very badly wants her to have, with their child, if only she could get up off of the floor. Her head is in her hands, and she isn’t screaming, so much as it feels like some invisible force is clawing at her throat.

Shikamaru holds her shoulders, trying to comfort her. Well, she thinks he is trying to comfort her. She can’t hear anything. She should stand up. He is just a kid, and she is the adult. But she is bereft. She has never felt this way before. Not with her parents, or Raidou’s brother, not even when Raidou ended things.

It’s like her very soul has been impaled.

**

Raidou walks up the stairs of her building. He can hear her from the bottom. She only gets louder the closer he gets. He hasn’t even processed that Asuma is really dead, not yet, and it happened right in front of him. He can’t imagine how he is going to go up there and tell Kurenai that it is all true.

Raidou gets to the hall and turns. Her door is open, and he can tell Shikamaru is trying to get her out of the doorway. She’s stubborn when she cries. You can’t tell her what to do. He walks down the hall.

“Kurenai-sensei,” Shikamaru says, “we need to go inside.” Kurenai is babbling to herself, her hands over her ears. Like she is trying to block out the truth. Or, more likely, still the buzzing in her head. It’s how she reorients herself. Raidou walks up to them. He kneels beside Shikamaru.

“Kurenai,” he says quietly. She pauses and looks up at him. When he looks at her, she knows it’s true. She already knew, but now, the truth is undeniable.

Her face cracks apart. Raidou sighs and turns to Shikamaru. “I will stay here. You don’t have to be the adult anymore.” Shikamaru looks like he wants to protest, until Kurenai lunges for Raidou. She doesn’t knock him over, but he does grunt. She wraps her arms around his neck and sticks her face into his shoulder. Raidou wraps his arms around her. “I know,” he says into the side of her head. “I know.” Kurenai always performs all the feelings in their relationship. It’s an unfair burden, now that he thinks of it. If he knew how, he would eat all the pain out of her, swallow the evil inside of her. Anything, for her.

Kurenai stops sobbing for a minute and pulls away to look into Raidou’s eyes. It’s like Shikamaru isn’t there. He feels uncomfortable, but he doesn’t know how to look away. This is the first time an adult in his life has had a meltdown. Kurenai holds onto Raidou’s face. He frowns when he feels something on her left hand. He takes her left hand in his own and looks at it.

It’s there, in silver. He stares for a minute, blinking. This was why Asuma was acting for strange. _Oh no_. Raidou looks up at Kurenai. “I’m pregnant,” she says, in a pathetic voice, devoid of joy. Raidou opens and closes his mouth.

“Congratulations,” is all he can think of, and it is what he blurts out. Kurenai throws herself back on him, babbling about stars and feelings and time. He nods at Shikamaru, who finally leaves. Kurenai tucks her face into his neck, and Raidou wraps his arms around her, and hoists her up, up.

**

Yuugao sits on the couch, staring at the glass of white wine in front of her. _White whine_ , Hayate called it. He claimed that she was always whiney after drinking it. Daydream Hayate sighed when she picked it up at the liquor store.

She filled her glass halfway, with three cubes of ice in it. She hasn’t eaten anything. In truth, she doesn’t want to. Yuugao stuffed the pamphlet into the back of her underwear drawer, where Raidou will never find it, and poured herself a glass of wine. Now, here she is, staring at it, waiting for Raidou to come home so that she can tell him that she will never be able to have a baby.

This is worse than losing Hayate, and that was awful. Losing a soulmate isn’t the absolute worst. You can move on with your life. You are still capable of love. But this…it’s not just that a future been snatched away from her. Her ability to contribute to the future is gone. Rationally, she knows that she and Raidou have options, but she always pictured herself pregnant. It was part of her vision for her life. Hayate’s death changed her world, but she still had a sense of self. But being infertile changes everything.

There are rumors of a dead shinobi. The longer time goes on, the calmer she feels. If something had happened to Raidou, they would find her first. It’s what would have happened with Hayate, if she hadn’t found him murdered. She thought that was the worst she would ever feel. _Boy, was I wrong_. She watches the ice melt into the wine, but she doesn’t drink it. The room grows darker as the sun sets, and when she realizes that it’s nighttime and that Raidou probably won’t be home tonight, she allows herself to break apart.

She doesn’t know how she is going to tell him. She just knows that she will have to. In a way, she is glad that he isn’t here. Yuugao wants to grieve on her own. Raidou can still make a baby. _Just not with me_. She covers her mouth, even though her cry is silent.

**

Raidou lies back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Kurenai lies on her side, looking at him. She isn’t sobbing anymore. Not even sniffling, really. It’s like she is all scooped out. A hollow body. He thinks about that fact that he has never lain beside her in this particular bed before. It’s funny, to him, in a dark way.

“Do you want to see the body?” he asks. In the end, Asuma looked peaceful. It was deceiving.

“No,” she frowns, “he wouldn’t want me to remember him that way.” She pauses, looking up at Raidou. It’s hard to tell what he is thinking sometimes. He is always stoic. Hasn’t really cried since the death of his brother. Three years has worn away at her familiarity with his expressions. She used to be able to tell, from the quirk of a lip, what he was thinking or feeling.

But he feels faraway, as he should, she supposes, and Asuma…well, he’s gone. “What happened?” Raidou turns to look at her, frowning. The mechanics of Asuma’s death are simple; the body cannot withstand being impaled on a scythe. Multiple vital organs, torn through at once. The circumstances of his death, however, aren’t simple at all. They greatly underestimated the threat of the Akatsuki. Asuma was the strongest member of his team and therefore, had to do all the work. He was taken out for a bounty. He died for the completion of a blood ritual.

These are all facts. But it’s also true that Raidou didn’t get there in time. He and Raidou weren’t on the same team. Raidou and Asuma thought everything was going to be okay. _The future is already here_. Raidou frowns. _Fuck you for dying, Asuma_. Raidou rolls onto his side, to face Kurenai. These details won’t help. They will just make her hurt. “He had an honorable death.” She nods. Raidou searches her face, but it’s empty. “He didn’t tell me about the baby or the wedding.”

“I was supposed to tell you.”

“But the mission…” Raidou trails off. “He was acting weird this morning. I guess he wanted my reaction.” Kurenai starts crying again, quietly. Raidou reaches for her hand, taking it in his.

“What am I going to do?” she asks. Raidou wipes a tear away with a knuckle, even though it’s in vain. There are already more than he can count.

“You’re going to alright,” he says, “we are going to be okay.” He doesn’t know how. Raidou simply knows that there is no other option.

“We?”

“Yes, we.” Raidou says. Kurenai looks at his silhouette in the dark. His broad shoulder, sloping down to his waist. He is narrower than Asuma, wiry. He’s different, but he is also the same, in the sense that he hasn’t changed.

“Can you stay tonight?” she asks in a small voice. Raidou nods.

“Of course.” At this point, he still thinks that the evil Yuugao sensed is the one that came for Asuma. He is still, frustratingly, clueless.

They fall asleep shortly after. Kurenai lies on her stomach, her face in his armpit, while Raidou sprawls on his back, snoring. It wakes her up, in the middle of the night, but she doesn’t mind. She shifts, so that her back is pressed to his side, and she puts her head on the place where his shoulder and arm meet.

It’s not comfortable, but at least she has Raidou here. She is so tired from crying, that it only takes a minute for her to drop back to sleep.

**

Raidou goes home after breakfast the next day. He convinced Kurenai to eat a singular piece of toast, nothing on it. _For the baby_ , even though, according to her, babies are parasites that will devour their mother if need be. He woke up with a crick in his neck, and, quite frankly, he wants to curl up in bed and sleep for the next week. Genma is going to go see Kurenai later, and he volunteered to go with her when she meets with Asuma’s family and plan the funeral.

Raidou runs up the stairs, two at a time, and he relaxes when he sees his front door. He moved in with Yuugao a few years ago. Her apartment is nice. Very home-y. He has lived in the barracks for most of his adult life, so it’s been nice, living in a place that feels like his own. He sticks his key in the door, and Yuugao immediately opens it. Her hair is wet, and it’s clear that she is about to go to work.

Raidou breathes out when their eyes meet. He didn’t realize how much tension he had been carrying until he sees her. Yuugao looks worried for him, like she hasn’t slept well.

“You didn’t call.” She says. Raidou nods.

“Yes.” He says, walking through the door. He looks around the room. Their couch, the television, his half of the music collection he shared with Kurenai. All there, like nothing has changed. Yuugao’s arms are crossed.

“So, where were you?” she asks. Raidou blinks, resting his hands on his hips.

“Kurenai’s place,” he says. Yuugao frowns.

“Why?” she asks, shifting. Raidou searches for the right words, but there is no such thing. There is no correct way to tell her that Asuma is dead.

Raidou bobs his head side to side for a minute. Yuugao’s irritation quickly changes into concern. Raidou is blinking, and there is a funny look on his face. She’s never seen it before. “Raidou?” she asks, walking to him. “Baby?” she says softly. She only calls him that when he’s sick or tired or especially pathetic looking.

“Asuma’s dead.” He says. “He died yesterday.” Raidou pinches his nose, right between his eyes. Yuugao doesn’t hesitate. She walks over to Raidou, arms open, and he pulls her towards him. When he feels her open palm on the back of his head, Raidou presses his face into her neck and allows himself to cry.

Raidou feels like a failure. He failed Asuma, and his brother and Himself and Kurenai and the baby and Asuma’s students and an entire clan, really. He thought he had failed before, but that is not the case. This is what absolute failure feels like. Raidou knows that he shouldn’t internalize Asuma’s death, but he is the kind of person who wants to impose order onto a chaotic world. If he is to blame, if he is guilty of Asuma’s death, that means he has some control over the things that happen. He hasn’t cried in years, not really, not like a boy. Yuugao pulls him closer to her, like they could fuse into one person.

Yuugao has held him close before, but not this intimately. Raidou holds her, and if yesterday hadn’t happened the way it did, she would hum from being so close. But Asuma is dead, and she will never have children. She presses closer to Raidou, not because she wants to but because she has to. “Raidou,” she says into his ear, “I’m so sorry.”

“We weren’t on the same team,” he says softly. “I didn’t know, not until it was too late.” He squeezes his eyes shut. “I wish I had known.” Yuugao looks over his shoulder, at the spider plant he hung up on the ceiling. It has little babies hanging off of two vines. Six little babies, ready for their own pot of soil. _Even my plant can have babie_ s. She feels herself tear up, and hearing this, Raidou holds her closer.

She resolves not to tell him about their babies, who will never exist. Not until after funeral. She doesn’t know if it is more selfish to keep it to herself or to share it. She just knows that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Ironically, if she took a pregnancy test and it came up positive, she too would wait. Fertility, or lack thereof, feels selfish in the face of death.

“Kurenai’s pregnant,” he says, “I let someone’s dad die.”

 _And I’ll never make you a father_.

Yuugao feels something in her break. She gasps, and Raidou believes her tears are for Asuma when, really and truly, they are for them.

**

 _Pathetic fallacy_ is what happens when the weather lines up with the events of a story, thus, rain during a funeral. Raidou feels _pathetic_ , and Asuma’s death feels like a _fallacy_ in the grand logic of the universe. They watch Kurenai kneel down to place a bouquet of red flowers on Asuma’s grave. It feels wrong to watch her. Like, they are all here to watch Kurenai behave like a good widow, rest flowers on a grave and cry in front of them, like a good girl.

It’s perverse. Raidou wants to throw up, and he probably would, if Yuugao weren’t there to hold his hand. She has spent the whole week keeping them all together. Keeping Kurenai from sleeping on the bathroom floor, reminding Raidou to shower. She’s the real adult, between the three of them. She can’t fix the problem of Kurenai still being half of a human being, or Raidou’s malaise, but she holds them together.

This whole thing feels wrong. Raidou grips Yuugao’s hand tighter, because he can tell that this funeral is only the beginning of their actual problems. Things may not get worse, but they won’t be better for a long, long time. Raidou thought that they were secure, lulled into a sense of safety by the erroneous belief that they were on the right path, and that everything would be okay. But no, no one is safe from the random, shitty things that the universe inflicts upon them.

As Kurenai stands up, Raidou thinks about what his brother said: that one day, he and Himself wouldn’t be there to protect them anymore, and they would only have each other. _I am a profound failure_. He squeezes Yuugao’s hand, and she puts her hand over his forearm.

**

Yuugao still hasn’t told Raidou. It feels at once both selfish and cruel to tell him and to keep him in the dark. It’s been hard, watching Kurenai’s morning sickness and pregnancy fatigue up close. She has been staying on their couch all week, refusing to stay in her apartment alone. Every night, Raidou tries to reason with her, but she refuses. _She gets a baby and Raidou’s attention_. Yuugao wonders if her resentment will ever fade. This bitterness can’t be good for her. It’s why she has been so helpful this week. She is overcompensating for her bad feelings.

She stands beside Kurenai, as people shake her hand and tell her how sorry they are, like they are the reason Asuma was impaled on the scythe. Kurenai is empty, behind the eyes, and Yuugao’s job is to politely step in and decline nosey questions or incoherent ramblings on the behalf of Kurenai. _Thank you for your support. I’m sorry, but we have other people to speak to. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts_. Yuugao hates using ‘us’ to describe her and Kurenai even more than Kurenai does. But it would be conspicuous to use ‘her,’ and they need to put up a united front, if only for Raidou’s sake.

There are lilies everywhere, thanks to Ino. They are white, beautiful. Yuugao had chosen them. Kurenai had been sitting in Yamanaka flowers, staring off into space for five minutes, while Ino and her mother were waiting for her to make a choice. So, Yuugao pointed at the lilies and asked Kurenai if she wanted these specific flowers. Kurenai just nodded, so Yuugao signed off on it. _White lilies please_.

In the past, Raidou joked about wanting his ashes to be kept in a No Name Brand margarine tub, like, the kind that no one ever seems to get to the bottom of, and thrown into a lake, container and all. Then he changed his mind. _Leave me wherever,_ he had said. _I truly do not care_. Needless to say, if it had been him who had died, Yuugao would not have respected his wishes.

Kurenai looks at Yuugao from the corner of her eye. She can tell that everyone, including Yuugao, thinks she is vacant, a husk of who she was. But Kurenai has been watching this whole time, keeping tabs on who has shown up. She is irritated by Yuugao’s hovering, but she does appreciate having someone to take questions and make decisions on her behalf. She doesn’t really like Yuugao, but she has earned her respect. Asuma said that Raidou seemed calmer, with Yuugao. _She is his peace._ Kurenai had shrugged at his comment, even though it hurt her feelings.

But after a week of Yuugao’s company, she understands what Asuma meant. She and Raidou are at ease with each other. All their quirks and pet peeves are complimentary. Yuugao makes dinner, Raidou does the dishes. She finds little DIY projects for him to do and he watches all the dumb reality television she likes. Kurenai resents their happiness, because it had once been hers. Her eye twitches when Raidou touches Yuugao’s back or when he stares at her while she does something else. _It’s not fair_. Raidou used to look at Kurenai with that kind of affection. He still does, sometimes, but not like Yuugao. Asuma’s dead and Raidou is taken. Kurenai has never not had one of them paying attention to her since she was thirteen and Asuma developed a crush on her.

She feels lonely without their attention. Kurenai doesn’t know if she’s a person if neither are there to give her attention.

Yuugao turns to Kurenai and touches her arm. Kurenai looks up at her. “How are you feeling?” Yuugao asks. Kurenai blinks.

“Numb.” Yuugao nods, because she knows the feeling.

**

_The following is a quick summary of an incredibly painful memory that more or less defines Himself:_

_Himself had knocked three times on the door of the Namiashi residence. No one answers the door, which is strange, because Raidou’s brother should be home by now. Himself can’t remember what exact day he left on his courier mission, but he knows that it was a while ago. Himself frowns the whole way home, not greeting anyone, not even his father or Asuma, on his way up to his room._

_He has been swamped by Anbu. The last few weeks have been brutal. Raidou’s brother would tell him that the first two weeks are the worst, that everything after is easy. Come to think of it, the last time he saw his friend was two weeks ago. Himself freezes, before looking at his wall calendar. The math is quick and simple._

_In a matter of seconds, he is downstairs, telling his dad that Raidou’s brother isn’t back yet, and that he needs to go look for him. His father sends Asuma and Himself in the right direction and tells them to be careful. It is all breakneck speed, until they find Raidou’s brother. Himself’s tummy drops, and although Raidou’s brother is alive, Himself knows that this is the end._

_He had completed his mission, and he must have fallen on his way back. He is alive, but he is dehydrated and unfed. His leg has been broken for a week, with bone poking through his thigh. The medics, when they arrive, think he must have been knocked unconscious._

_It’s so bad, that Raidou’s brother doesn’t even say anything when he is loaded onto the stretcher, nor, at any point, does he acknowledge Himself or Asuma._

_They wait outside the hospital room together. They look up when they see Raidou jog down the hall. He looks scared, like, properly terrified. He doesn’t even wave before going into the room. Kurenai is next, but she rips in at full speed, not even looking at Himself or Asuma. Not a minute later, they hear Raidou cry out. Himself covers his ears with his palms, creating a seal, squeezing his eyes shut like he is a little kid. As if he could just block all of this out. Asuma tells him they should go now. They can take the long way home, if Himself wants._

_For the first time, in a very long time, Himself feels like an unequivocal failure. He doesn’t cry, but he does take a cigarette when Asuma offers. He doesn’t cough when he takes his first puff._

_“Have you done this before?” Asuma asks. Himself nods._

_“I took dad’s pipe a few times.” He says. “We smoked a lot of pot when you were little.” Asuma doesn’t need to ask who the other person is. He knows it’s Raidou’s brother._

_“Little?” Asuma asks. Himself smiles._

_“Oh, we were sixteen, Raidou was thirteen and you were nine.” Himself smiles. “It was a good summer.” Asuma nods, not really remembering enough of it to know whether or not he agrees but does so anyway for his brother._

_“I failed.” Himself says. Asuma says nothing. “I failed spectacularly.”_

_“You didn’t know,” Asuma replies, “how can you fail if you don’t know something?”_

_“Because I should’ve known better. I should’ve been paying attention.”_

_“To what?” Asuma asks, “to your friend’s work schedule? You had no way of knowing…”_

_“But I did.” Himself says, “I knew he was gone, and that he should’ve been back by now. But I was too caught up in Anbu…” Himself trails off, sighing. “This is what it looks like when you fail to protect someone, Asuma.” He drops the cigarette onto the ground and grinds it with his heel._

_“He was a grown man. He didn’t need to be protected.” Asuma says. Himself narrows his eyes._

_“You’re so fucking stupid, Asuma. We all need to be protected.” Himself leaves Asuma behind, wanting to walk home by himself._

_Their dad says nothing to Himself about it, not because he doesn’t care. He just knows that Himself isn’t ready to talk about it. Himself will never be ready to talk about it with his father._

**

Raidou and Himself stand over Asuma’s gravestone, looking at Kurenai and Yuugao as they thank everyone for coming. The weather has cleared up a little bit, which is nice. Asuma would want a sunny funeral. _I hate getting my hair wet_ , he used to grumble.

“We wouldn’t be here if I had been there.” Raidou says, out of nowhere. Himself tilts his head, listening. “I should have been there or have gotten there faster.”

“You don’t know that,” Himself replies. He is still an asshole, but age has tamed his arrogance. The death of Raidou’s brother was a profoundly humbling moment for him.

“Things would be different,” Raidou says, “things could have been different, but they aren’t, because I failed.”

“You’re making this all about you,” Himself replies. Raidou scowls at him, and he sighs. “Sure, maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe you would be dead too, or instead, and you wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath.” Himself shrugs. “But things can’t be different. There’s no point in crying.”

“I’m not crying,” Raidou retorts. Himself smirks.

“Your brother used to say shit like that,” he says, “and he was always lying about it too.” Raidou looks away and pouts. It makes Himself feel better, to know that some things haven’t changed. His therapist tells him that there is no shame in being angry, but that you can’t make the world responsible for your feelings. The profound moments in life would lose their power if they didn’t show just how powerless one is in terms of what happens to them. It’s a lesson neither Raidou nor Asuma were good at, and it was something Himself only learned in therapy, when it was pointed out to him. Raidou’s brother was quite accepting of the universe. _It’s called mindfulness_ , he used to say, whenever Raidou punched the horn of the car or Himself bitched about minor inconveniences or Asuma complained about their father’s penchant for riddles. _Just let it all roll off your back. Nothing matters_.

“Whatever,” Raidou says, “I’m sorry Asuma’s dead.” Himself nods.

“I failed you too,” he says, “I was too wrapped up in Anbu to notice that something was wrong.”

“My brother fell. It isn’t anyone’s fault.” Raidou says.

“It’s never anyone’s fault,” Himself says, “it just feels better to carry the blame.” He puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out a torn-up business card. “After your brother died, I went to therapy. I think it would help you out.” He hands the card over to Raidou, who takes it, delicately. “I keep that card on my person at all times and I expect it back. Don’t fucking lose it.”

“I won’t,” Raidou says in a small voice. He sounds like a child. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Himself says. “Asuma wouldn’t want you to pity yourself.”

“We weren’t even really friends until a few years ago,” Raidou says. “Not until he got with Kurenai and I started dating Yuugao.” Himself nods. Raidou, Asuma and Kurenai were caught up in a love triangle that Raidou was only tangentially aware of when his brother died. It had been entertaining to watch, although, those memories all taste bad now that Raidou’s brother and Asuma are gone.

“Asuma had a petty streak that few give him credit for,” he says. Raidou smiles.

“Yeah.”

“Thanks for keeping an eye on Kurenai,” Himself says, “I don’t think anyone really knows that to say to her.” Raidou nods.

“No one knew,” he says, “not even me.” Himself looks at the ground.

“Babies come at the strangest times.” Himself says. “The universe always opens a window after closing a door.” Raidou nods. They stand there until Kurenai and Yuugao are the only other people in the cemetery.

On the way home, Kurenai tells him that she wants to sleep at her own place. Before Yuugao or Kurenai can say anything, Raidou offers to stay with her. Kurenai smiles up at him, even though it is Yuugao’s hand he reaches for and squeezes. Yuugao simply has no words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Asuma. I didn't write anything from his POV, because he deserves a death with dignity. I know this update is quick and not as long as my usual ones, but I needed to get this out of the way. Things won't get better, but they won't get worse. As you can probably guess, Yuugao has been promoted to series regular, and I promise, Genma will be coming back in the next few chapters. 
> 
> I guess I should stop hurting my own feelings for fun. Leave a comment and let me know what you think. They keep my motivated, and I treasure every one. 
> 
> The idea about one being powerless over the significant parts of one's life is from my boy, DFW. My thesis is getting its dirty thumbprint over everything.


	13. April Showers and May Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you know that plants will take curses meant for you?

“April is the cruelest month”

T.S. Eliot, “The Wasteland”

“And in the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade/ And he carries the reminders/ Of every glove that laid him down or cut him/ ‘Til he cried out in his anger and his shame/ “I am leaving, I am leaving”, but the fighter still remains”

Paul Simon, “The Boxer”

Grief is a funny beast with a sick sense of humor. Before Asuma’s death, Kurenai would look forward to the few nights she would get the bed all to herself. It was special. Now, she can’t sleep without a warm body beside her. One of the strange things about grief is that it sneaks up on you at the strangest times. Hers chokes her out at four in the morning, without fail. She’s tried weighted blankets, lavender essential oil, masturbating, melatonin and sleeping pills. The one thing Kurenai wants is sleep, but it’s the one thing she can’t get.

It's six in the morning. Genma is sprawled next to her, snoring away. He and Raidou alternate nights when they’re in town. It’s one of the nicer things they have ever done for her. Genma is comforting, but he isn’t Raidou. She hates to admit it, but Raidou is still her favorite. His smell is still safe, even though it’s been three years. The body never forgets, and Raidou’s body makes her relax. It’s a source of guilt, because _Asuma Asuma Asuma_ , who is in the ground. She looks up at the ceiling.

Genma’s snoring stops, and she turns to look at him. “You awake?” she asks. He sighs.

“Yes.” He sighs, “have you been awake this whole time?”

“Uh-huh.” She blinks. He sighs.

“Staring at the ceiling won’t change anything,” Genma sits up on his elbows, “and not sleeping will only make you feel worse.” She laughs, because, quite frankly, this is going to hurt, for a very, very long time. Becoming a parent without Asuma by her side will be the most bittersweet experience, and she has a lot of those.

“I go to the grave a lot,” she says. Genma says nothing, because he knows. They all do. She doesn’t hide it. No one says anything, because no one knows what to say in the face of such loss. Kurenai blinks, her mouth twisting. “How am I supposed to do this without Asuma?”

“You just have to do it.” Genma says. “It’s how things work around here.”

“It’s not fair,” she says. She doesn’t know if she wants the pain to stay or go. If the pain stays, then she will never move on. If it goes, well, she’ll move on. Either way, she will be forced to change in a way she didn’t want to.

“It’s not fair,” she says in a quiet voice.

“No, it’s not.” Genma replies. There’s nothing left to say, so he lets her cry it out.

**

_Every year, Kurenai hosts a party in her parents’ house. Everyone comes over, gets drunk and acts like degenerates. It’s something they look forward to. Asuma and his girlfriend are taking one for the team and entertaining Guy. Kakashi and Aoba are talking to Shizune, while Anko and Ibiki are cutting lines in the dining room. Genma went out to get more beer. Hayate finally convinced Yuugao to come to one of these things. Usually, she is intimidated by Hayate’s older friends, but he reassured her that they want her to come._

_Very quickly, she learned that it was Hayate who wanted her to join him. His friends, while kind, were mostly indifferent to her. Yuugao grips onto Hayate’s hand, pressing her palm into his. They are creeping up the stairs, looking for a place to fool around._

_No one knows where Kurenai and Raidou ended up, but everyone assumed they were hooking up somewhere. It’s why Yuugao is a little nervous to be up here. Hayate keeps telling her it’s fine, that no one cares, but Yuugao doesn’t want to walk in on Kurenai and Raidou. They are both pretty intimidating. The Platonic ideal of man and woman, beside each other at last. They have a cosmic aura to them that Yuugao envies. Like they are fated._

_“Hayate,” she whispers, “we should go back downstairs.”_

_“C’mon,” he says, “let’s have a little bit of fun.” He holds his thumb and pointer finger up, with just a little gap between them. “Just a little.” Yuugao giggles._

_“Okay,” she says, “just a little.” Hayate grins wide._

_“Being bad is a lot of fun, isn’t it?” he asks, pulling her along. She stays right behind him, and he opens the first door to his right. Since it is ajar, he doesn’t bother knocking._

_They step inside the room, and Hayate starts laughing when he sees who is in the room. Yuugao turns bright red. There, before them, in the pale light of the moon, stands Raidou, with Kurenai on her knees before him. They must have heard them coming, as Raidou is in front of Kurenai, blocking her from view as he adjusts himself. Yuugao has never pictured Kurenai sucking dick. It seems beneath her._

_“Howdy,” Hayate says. Raidou is glaring over his shoulder between checking on Kurenai._

_“You could have knocked,” he says, bending over to help Kurenai up._

_“You could have locked to door.” Hayate says. Raidou turns and scowls, while Kurenai looks mostly embarrassed._

_“You should have locked the door,” Kurenai huffs, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. Raidou doesn’t look like he wants to shoulder all the blame. He sticks a hand in his pocket and pulls out a package of gum._

_“Gum for dick breath?” Raidou hums. Kurenai looks like she may actually kill him, but he just grins._

_“Do you two want this room?” she turns to Hayate and Yuugao._

_“Well, if you don’t mind.” Hayate shrugs. Raidou makes eye contact with Yuugao, and winks. She feels her stomach drop, but just like that, he is no longer paying attention to her._

_“No, we don’t,” Kurenai says, reaching for Raidou’s hand. “C’mon, we should get going.” Raidou puts the gum back in his pocket and nods. They leave the room together, but they don’t go back downstairs. Hayate and Yuugao watch them move down the hall. Hayate laughs and turns away when Kurenai steps into the other room. Yuugao watches Raidou, who pauses before crossing the threshold. He looks back at her, giving her a soft look before going into the other room. Yuugao blinks once, twice, before she turns back to Hayate, who is sitting on the bed._

_“Are they…” she trails off. Hayate nods._

_“Yeah.” He smiles lazily. Yuugao smooths her skirt, before closing the door. She makes sure to lock it, which makes Hayate grin._

_“Is Raidou her boyfriend?” Yuugao thinks about how he looked at her. She knows he is an assassin, but he seems softer in person. Hayate hums._

_“Pretty much, although they don’t call it that,” he says, “they are cowards that way.” Yuugao frowns._

_“Hayate,” she says, walking over to him. “That’s rude.” He shrugs._

_“It’s what Genma says, and he is never wrong with it comes to Raidou.” Hayate smiles. Yuugao sits next to him and ignores the impulse to defend Raidou and Kurenai. She swallows his soft look, and presses her mouth to Hayate, and all thoughts of Raidou dissipate when Hayate comes inside._

**

Yuugao knocks the unlocked door open with her hip. In her arms, she carries two papers bags, full of groceries. Kurenai can do a lot of this herself, but Yuugao does it because she feels guilty for all the resentment building up in her gut. Her infertility is no one’s fault, and she can’t expect pregnant people to simply not exist until she comes to terms with it. So, for every bad thought or twinge of resentment, Yuugao does a chore for Kurenai.

Is it _bad_ that Yuugao feels a little better to see Kurenai narrow her eyes at her? The thought of sharing mutual contempt with Kurenai gives her some satisfaction. Yuugao likes knowing that she too, has something Kurenai wants for herself.

Raidou is clueless to this dynamic between the two women. He thanks Yuugao for all her help and reminds her that he can do all of this, since she is in Anbu. Sometimes, when he turns his back to Kurenai to speak to Yuugao, they make eye contact over his shoulder, and Yuugao can tell that Kurenai is jealous. Maybe not of Raidou, but to have partner there to reassure her. _I’m so fucking petty_ , Yuugao thinks to herself. “I’m back!” Kicking off her sandals, Yuugao walks over to Kurenai’s kitchen table with the bags.

She sets them on the counter and looks over to where Kakashi and Kurenai are standing. Kurenai is frowning at a plant he bought for her.

“Yuugao,” Kurenai says, “do you know why everyone keeps buying me plants?” Yuugao hums, thinking of an answer while Kakashi looks between the two women. Raidou wants to see harmony, so he projects it onto them. Anyone with eyes, however, can see that Kurenai and Yuugao aren’t exactly getting along.

“Not even a ‘how are you’?” Kakashi jokes. Kurenai frowns at the plant.

“I’m here an awful lot,” Yuugao replies, “as for the plants, people probably buy them to deflect curses.” _Like all the ones I think of every day_ , Yuugao thinks, when she opens the fridge door and eyes the food in there. _At least Kurenai is eating_. Raidou spent a lot of time arguing with her about how she needs to _keep up her strength_. Kurenai told him that he sounded like her grandmother, and he shot back that at least he isn’t acting like a bratty teenager. Kurenai locked herself in the bathroom, while Raidou moped on the couch. It took Yuugao two hours to convince Raidou to apologize and for Kurenai to actually accept his apology.

“Who would curse a pregnant widow?” Kurenai eyes Yuugao’s back. _The same kind of person who would curse you with widowhood in the first place_. But that wouldn’t be an appropriate joke, because Asuma was killed by a curse, of sorts. Genma and Kakashi would appreciate the spirit of the joke, but it is too soon for Raidou and definitely Kurenai.

“Well, the point is that you never know who is cursing you. That’s why you need plants around to take the hits for you.” Yuugao walks over to the papers bags and begins unpacking them.

“You should take these plants,” Kurenai says, “you and Raidou won’t kill them.” Yuugao looks at the small collection of cacti, succulents and spider plants.

“Kurenai, these are gifts for you,” Yuugao says, “all these plants thrive on neglect.” Kurenai frowns even deeper. “Did Kakashi buy you that plant?”

“People don’t need to keep my gifts,” he says, “once they’re given, they are no longer my problem.” Kurenai smiles at him as Yuugao rolls her eyes.

Kakashi wanders over to look at her book collection, since, as he put it, Asuma’s philistine leanings probably rubbed off on her, and Kakashi would like to fix them.

“If you buy me those trash books, just know that I won’t read them,” Kurenai says.

“What else are you going to do on leave? Befriend Yuugao?” he asks. Both women feel incredibly seen, but Yuugao is quicker on the uptake.

“Are you saying Kurenai and I aren’t friends?” she asks. Kakashi shrugs and looks at the bookshelf.

“We’re friends,” Kurenai says, “I wouldn’t give all my plants to someone I didn’t like.” Kakashi refrains from pointing out that she is getting rid of said plants because they are a nuisance to her, because he would rather not be the person around when the two of them air their grievances.

Kurenai crosses her arms, watching Yuugao in the kitchen. She is emptying all the food out of the paper bags. She always buys healthy food. No junk. Kurenai noticed that Raidou lost some weight when he moved in with Yuugao. Not a lot, just some of the fat. It hadn’t been on purpose or anything. Kurenai narrows her eyes. Not only does she take up all of Raidou’s time, she has literally made him shrink. _Less Raidou to go around_. It couldn’t have been more than ten pounds, but every bit of Raidou is valuable, now that Asuma is dead.

Yuugao is a very organized person. Everything has a place, and everything is in its place. Kurenai doesn’t like how Yuugao has changed everything. Perhaps she would handle it better if she weren’t going through other changes. Kurenai is beginning to show. Her tummy sticks out a little now, and she has to wear baggier clothes. It makes her feel dowdy. Kurenai has never been insecure about her looks, but her body is changing in ways that she could never have foreseen. _Am I still hot?_ She asked Genma. He cackled and replied _never_.

Now, not only does she feel like less of herself, but she has the woman who took Raidou away from her, in her kitchen, organizing her fridge and pretending to like her. Not only did she take Raidou away, but she is acting like him too. _It’s Raidou who should be here,_ Kurenai thinks, _not you_. And if Raidou were here, she could glare at the back of his head and wish Asuma were here instead. This system of displacement and deferral makes sense in her head, because it means that she doesn’t have to directly think about the big, Asuma shaped hole in her life. Instead, she has an interloper named Yuugao, who can’t leave well enough alone.

It doesn’t help that Yuugao is pretty, young and in love with Raidou. Raidou is reliable. He doesn’t fuck around or take unnecessary risks. Sometimes, when she visits Asuma’s grave, she narrows her eyes and asks him why he couldn’t be more reliable, more like Raidou? It’s easy to be mad at a dead person, because they can’t come back and defend themselves. You can only project your feelings onto the dead. They can’t challenge you or make things different. If she wanted to, she could be mad at Asuma forever, and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to earn her forgiveness.

She doesn’t want to live that way, but her anger needs a home. There are times where she is angry with Raidou. For not being on Asuma’s team, for not getting there fast enough, for not sending Kakazu and Hidan into the afterlife. In her darkest moments, sometimes, when she is all alone, she resents Raidou for breathing in a world where Asuma is dead. But she has loved Raidou for a very long time, and those feelings are always accompanied by a deep, soul-level shame that is worse than anything she has ever felt before. _Resenting Raidou for breathing_. It’s her new low.

So, Yuugao is the home for her anger. Yuugao, who buys her eggs and vegetables and prenatal vitamins, who makes sure everything is clean and reminds her to do her laundry, is where Kurenai hoards her resentment. Thanks to Yuugao, Raidou is never around. Thanks to Yuugao, there were white lilies at Asuma’s funeral. Thanks to Yuugao, she has someone…reminding her to stay alive.

What Kurenai hates most is her kindness, even though Yuugao clearly doesn’t like her. It just reminds Kurenai of what a rotten person she is on the inside. _How can a baby live inside someone so vicious?_

She stares holes into Yuugao’s back. Kakashi comes back to her, nudging her with an elbow. “Be nice,” he says in a low tone. Kurenai doesn’t bother responding to him. Instead, she takes a laundry basket and starts putting all her plants in it.

She can’t make anything grow without Asuma.

**

_Raidou doesn’t know how he wants to say this. He doesn’t even know if it is a good idea. He taps his finger on the tabletop, while Asuma watches him. He doesn’t say anything about Raidou’s twitchy behavior. He’s more or less used to it. Raidou is going to tell him eventually. They’ve gotten closer in recent months, and you know what, Asuma doesn’t mind it one bit. He would even say that he enjoys Raidou’s company._

_Asuma is musing on this point when Raidou finally decides to speak. “Asuma,” he says, “I want to tell you a secret.”_

_“A secret?” Asuma grins. It’s not too often that people share one with him._

_“Yeah.” Raidou pauses. “Yuugao and I are trying for a baby.” He looks at Asuma nervously. He doesn’t really know how he feels about fatherhood, or how he ought to feel. Judging by the slightly panicked expression on Asuma’s face, his feelings of holy-shit-what-am-I-thinking are completely normal. It’s a relief, for Raidou, anyway._

_“A baby?” Asuma asks, “like, those things that cry?”_

_“And shit, and puke, and slowly drain your life force down to nothing,” Raidou deadpans. Asuma nods, thinking it over. Raidou has four years on him, so the idea of him having children isn’t so far-fetched. But Yuugao is what, twenty-four and in Anbu? Asuma didn’t feel like an adult until he was twenty-five, and he still doesn’t feel cut out for fatherhood._

_“A baby.” Asuma says. Raidou nods. “Why are you telling me? No offense, but this is Kurenai’s wheelhouse.” By that, Asuma means that this is something Kurenai would rather talk about._

_“I guess…” Raidou trails off, thinking. “My brother and dad are gone…and I wanted to tell someone who could relate.” Raidou scratches his chin. “It’s weird, thinking about having a kid without either of them around.”_

_Asuma smiles as Raidou looks away. Raidou’s brother and Himself always wished for them to have a fraternal bond, and it feels like they have finally achieved it. He feels, dare he say it, honored, that Raidou would tell him first, of all people._

_“You can borrow Himself,” Asuma smirks, “he has a kid, so you know that he will have practical advice.” Raidou groans._

_“Himself is a miserable asshole,” Raidou says, “I don’t think I would be able to listen to his mansplaining of fatherhood for more than ten minutes.” Asuma nods._

_“Well…you have me.” He says. Raidou blinks at him._

_“What do you mean?” he asks. Asuma bops his head from side to side, hemming and hawing._

_“I mean, I can be a fun uncle.” He smiles at Raidou, who starts to grin._

_“You’d do that?” Raidou sounds, for the first time this evening, genuinely excited._

_“Of course,” Asuma says, “My brother will inflict himself on your family anyway, and no child deserves that without a counterbalance.” Raidou sits back and smiles at him. “What?”_

_“Nothing,” Raidou says, “I’m just thinking about how relieved my brother is, all the way up in heaven.” Asuma snorts._

_“Do you think there is pay per view in heaven, where you can watch all your loved ones on a big flat screen?” Asuma asks. Raidou shrugs._

_“I hope not.” He would prefer to think that there is absolutely no way that any of their family members know about all the things he and Kurenai have done to each other. They joked that they started having sex to avoid a haunting, but Raidou really, really hopes that isn’t the case. He doesn’t think he could make eye contact with anyone in their families again if they heard the filthy things Kurenai has said to him, that made him give it to her harder._

_“It could be fun, you know,” Asuma sips his beer. “If I die, I would like to think you’d all entertain me.”_

_“Dark,” Raidou sips his own beer. Asuma smiles._

_“For future reference, I like dramas. Give me a show.” Asuma grins._

_“Well, I’ll be dead before you, god willing, so I don’t know why you’re telling me,” Raidou flexes his feet under the table._

_“Just in case,” Asuma shrugs, “you never know. I am cultivating cancer.”_

_“Fine. If you die, I’ll make sure that our lives keep you entertained.” Raidou says, “I’ll say something mean to Kurenai every day until she snaps and sends me to the afterlife.”_

_“That’s the spirit,” Asuma smiles._

_That it is._

**

It takes Yuugao a significant amount of effort to forget the Raidou and Kurenai were in love the way that they were. It was easy when Asuma was alive, because they were with other people. But it’s hard, since there is only one Raidou, and both Yuugao and Kurenai need him. Yuugao stands in Kurenai’s kitchen, looking for a glass to fill with water. She doesn’t have a set of glasses; they were all individually purchased from a thrift store.

Kurenai claimed it was a look, Raidou said it _looked_ messy. The different shaped glasses always made his eye twitch. Yuugao and Asuma actually had a little game about it. Whenever they had dinner at Kurenai’s apartment, Asuma would wink at Yuugao when Kurenai and Raidou argued over the glasses. If Raidou started complaining about all the little things Kurenai didn’t fix in the house, like leaky faucets and burnt out lightbulbs, Yuugao would blink twice at Asuma. It made things less awkward. _I miss Asuma_ , Yuugao thinks, picking up a beer glass. 

It’s hard to be around Kurenai, knowing that she is pregnant. Yuugao still hasn’t told Raidou that she is infertile, because she doesn’t know how, and it feels like a selfish thing to worry about when someone’s dad is dead. She can’t have a baby, but at least she has Raidou. If something had happened to him, Yuugao would never get out of bed again, even if she were pregnant. Yuugao walks towards the sink, and as the thought of Raidou being murdered for a bounty works its way to the forefront of her mind, her grip loosens.

Yuugao looks down. There is a large, glass shard in the top of her foot, and glass all around her feet. She grabs a tea towel off the counter and bends down. Yuugao removes the glass from her foot, and quickly covers the wound with the tea towel. She sets the bloody piece of glass on the ground, and winces as she presses down onto the wound. “Ow,” she says softly.

She hears footsteps from across the apartment and looks up at Kurenai and Genma. Kurenai has an inscrutable expression on her face. Genma looks concerned.

“Are you okay, Yuugao?” he asks, squatting down beside her.

“I dropped a glass,” she says, “I have a cut on my foot.” Genma nods and looks up at Kurenai.

“Where is the first aid kit?” he stands up. Kurenai blinks.

“Under the sink,” she says. Careful not to step on any bits of glass himself, Genma walks over to the sink. Kurenai kneels down and picks up a piece of glass.

“Which glass was it?” she asks. Yuugao blinks.

“Which glass?”

“Answer my question,” Kurenai commands. Yuugao tilts her head.

“The beer glass.” She replies. She looks up at Genma, who kneels down in front of her, looking at her foot. He gently moves the tea towel and sanitizes his hands before he takes a look.

“The beer glass?” Kurenai’s voice is empty. If you knocked on it, the sound would be hollow.

“Yes,” Yuugao hisses when Genma presses along the cut, making sure there are no bits of glass left.

“The beer glass. You’re sure?” Kurenai’s voice sounds faraway.

“We’ve established that it was the beer glass.” Genma opens up an alcohol wipe. “This is going to sting,” he murmurs as he presses it to the cut. Yuugao winces.

“That was Asuma’s favourite glass.” Kurenai says. She picks up a shard, not even blinking when she cuts her hand open. Yuugao and Genma pause and watch her as she begins to make a pile of the shards on the floor.

“Kurenai, let me do this,” Yuugao says, reaching for a shard in Kurenai’s hand. She doesn’t know why, but she chooses to grip it. Kurenai looks up at her, an angry expression on her face.

“Let go.”

“No, let me pick up the pieces, I dropped it.” Yuugao pulls on the glass, but Kurenai won’t let it go.

“No.” Kurenai pulls back.

“Kurenai,” Genma says in a warning tone, but he can see that neither of the women are here, not really. He reaches his hands out to grab either wrist and force the two of them to drop the shard, when Kurenai pulls back and Yuugao yelps. Genma and Yuugao stare at her bloody palm. The wound cuts diagonal across it. Genma turns to Kurenai first. “What the _fuck_ , Kurenai?”

She frowns, holding onto the piece of glass tightly. Kurenai didn’t intend to hurt Yuugao. She simply wanted the shard. Yuugao’s eyes are watering, her lower lip trembles. Kurenai doesn’t feel good, but she doesn’t feel bad either. Yuugao feels like she has been slapped across the face.

“Are you going to apologize?” Genma asks. Yuugao isn’t looking at Kurenai.

“I’m sorry,” Kurenai says. She doesn’t sound like she means it, but it doesn’t matter. Yuugao stands up, holding her hand to her chest, and walks out of the kitchen.

“Yuugao, where are you going?” Genma asks.

“I’m going home,” Yuugao says in a fragile voice. Genma stands up and walks over to her, as she slips her feet into her sandals.

“You should let me take a look at that,” he reaches for her, but she steps back. Genma gives her a soft look. Kurenai is still on the floor, looking at the broken glass. She is a shell of a person. Yuugao reminds herself of this, trying to be sympathetic. She is really, _really_ trying.

“It’s okay, she says quietly. The cut on her foot is still oozing.

“Yuugao,” he sighs, “I can’t let you go home like this.” Yuugao shrinks away from him, and something breaks inside of him. He forgets how young Yuugao is, sometimes. She is Anbu and could kill pretty much everyone but Kakashi, but she is still only twenty-five and has known two men. _You’re a baby_. “Are you sure?” Yuugao nods.

“I just want to go home.” She says quietly. Genma nods.

“I’ll call Raidou,” he says, putting his hand on her upper arm. “Kurenai didn’t mean it.” Yuugao frowns at him. Kurenai never seems to actually mean anything she does, lately. Or ever, now that Yuugao thinks about it. She looks down at the blood on her foot.

“I know,” she says softly.

They look at the kitchen, Kurenai is still on the floor, piling the glass pieces in front of her. Genma sighs. “She’s not herself,” he says. Yuugao cradles her hand to her chest. No one has been themselves. Overnight, everyone changed.

“I’m going to go now,” she says softly, her feet in her sandals. It stings, where the leather sits on her cut.

“Get home safe,” Genma says. Yuugao nods, and leaves.

**

Genma has carefully put all the glass pieces on a plate and set it at the kitchen table. He then sat Kurenai in front of them. He scooped her up like she was a baby. It hurt his heart to feel her flop against him. Genma sat her down carefully, touching her back before turning to get the broom. He swept the floor, throwing the tiny, irrecoverable bits of glass into the garbage. He goes under the sink, finding the toolkit Raidou left there after Kurenai told him that he didn’t have to come over and fix every little thing. 

He relaxes when he finds the super glue, like, the stupid strong stuff that would require nail polish remover to get rid of if you glued your fingers together. He walks back to the kitchen table and sits down beside Kurenai. She watches him try and fit the pieces together. She does nothing as he starts gluing. She touches her hand to her stomach, and sighs.

Needless to say, being pregnant and alone wasn’t the plan. She was going to sell her parents’ house for a down payment on a new one. They were going to have a little baby. She and Asuma were supposed to grow old together.

“Why are you gluing it back together?” she asks. Genma frowns, concentrating with the glue.

“So, you can put shit in it. Pens, whatever.” He replies. His finger slips against an edge, and he cusses under his breath.

“You don’t have to.” She murmurs. Kurenai doesn’t want to sit here and watch him cut up his hands.

“It is Asuma’s favorite glass, isn’t?” Genma is squinting, and Kurenai blinks when she realizes there are little tears in the corner of each eye. It strikes her that she isn’t the only person who lost Asuma.

“Yes.” She says. Genma’s eyes glimmer, and he screws up his face to hide his feelings.

“Then I am going to put it back together so you can put stuff in it.” He fits another few pieces together. It begins to look like a glass again. Kurenai feels herself tearing up.

Kurenai reaches her hand out. She touches her fingers to the inside of his wrist. Tap, tap. They look at each other for a long minute. Genma sets the glass and the glue down.

“It’s okay to cry,” she says. Genma looks back down at the glass before him.

“I wish I had been there,” he says quietly.

“Me too.” She opens her arms, but he hangs back.

“I’m not going to cry,” he frowns. She doesn’t bother telling him that it is too late.

“You need a hug, and I’m a mom now.” She gets up, going to stand beside him. Genma looks up at her.

“But you lost him,” he says in a small voice. Genma sounds like a little boy.

“So, did you.” _We all did_. Genma presses his face into her stomach. She feels his tears through the material of her dress. He doesn’t sob, but he does hold her close. She has seen his penis and he has seen her butt-naked, but this is more intimate then that. She smooths her fingers through his hair, and eventually, he pulls away. She takes his face in her hands and bends down so that they are eye to eye.

“It makes me feel better to know how many people loved him.” She smiles, even when Genma frowns.

“I’m sorry.” He says, looking at the tears in her eyes.

“Me too,” she replies, and it is his turn to hold her.

**

Yuugao sits on the couch, the first aid kit open before her, about to bandage her palm when Raidou gets in. She doubts Genma called him. He is here too fast for that to be the case. Raidou smiles at her, but he frowns when he looks at her face.

“Yuugao,” he says, “are you okay?” Raidou kicks his shoes off and walks over to her, not even bothering to remove his flak jacket. Yuugao blinks up at him as he sits before, taking her palm in his hand.

“Kurenai hates me,” she says. Raidou looks at her hand. She feels a twinge of satisfaction when she sees the tendon rise in his neck.

“She did this to you?” he asks. Kurenai is going through a lot, but he has never known her to inflict actual violence. Not like this.

“I broke a glass.” Yuugao says, “I dropped Asuma’s favorite glass, and it landed on my foot, and I cut my hand picking a piece up.” She doesn’t know why she covers for Kurenai. She just feels like she is obligated to. Raidou takes hold of her foot and looks at the bandage on it.

“This was an accident?” he says in an unsure voice. Yuugao isn’t clumsy.

“It was an accident,” she says, “all of it.” It does make Yuugao feel good, to know that Raidou is concerned about her safety.

“Alright,” he puts her foot back down. “So, why do you think Kurenai hates you?”

“Because I broke Asuma’s favorite glass.” _And I have you_. Raidou frowns. He understands the ways grief makes you cling to material things. But it’s petty, to make Yuugao cry over a cheap glass. _Isn’t there a wedding ring she can wear around her neck instead?_ He picks up her palm again, eyeballing it.

“She hates you because you broke a glass?” he asks.

“Asuma’s favorite.” She replies.

“Asuma’s favourite glass was anything that had beer in it.” Raidou snorts. “It wasn’t one glass.”

“You don’t know that,” she sighs. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“I’ve known him for a long time. Him using the same glass isn’t that deep.” He holds her hand up to his face. “Men lack depth.” Yuugao frowns. She doesn’t know why she is going to do this, but she decides to defend Kurenai.

“You use the same mug every day.” She says, “if you died, I would use that mug every day to feel closer to you _.” I_ _wouldn’t ever clean it, because I would want to put my mouth on your lip print_. Raidou looks up at her, blinking. Kurenai is the only other woman who has ever had it that bad for him.

“That mug suits my purposes. My preference doesn’t go deeper than that.” He looks around for the bandage and gauze.

“I don’t believe you,” she says. “You wouldn’t use the Hello Kitty mug every day if it wasn’t special to you.” Raidou puffs his cheeks. Kurenai bought him that mug as a joke. That’s why he uses it every day. Perhaps his preferences run deeper than he’d like to admit.

“Don’t cut up someone’s hand over it, and you can do whatever you want to my things when I’m dead.” He looks up at her face, and blinks when he sees it twist. “Hey, it’s just a joke about how old I am.” Yuugao sighs.

She can’t keep it inside any longer. “Raidou,” she says, “there’s something I have to tell you.” She looks down at her hand, and pokes at the wound on her palm. Raidou puts his hand over her palm, preventing her from hurting herself.

“You’ll re-open it if you do that,” he murmurs. She swallows.

“Don’t be mad.” She says. “I’ve known this for a while now, but with everything happening, I kept it to myself.” Yuugao breathes in and out. Raidou looks at her, concern evident on his face. The space between his eyebrows is wrinkled, and his jaw is clenched.

“What is it?” Raidou has, genuinely, no clue what she could be talking about.

“Well, I went to the doctor, and she said that I can’t get pregnant.” Yuugao’s face crumples. “I’m infertile. I will never have a baby.” Raidou’s eyes widen, and she bends over, her face in her hands. It didn’t feel real until she said it just now.

This feels like a punch in the gut. Raidou sits back, reeling. He and Yuugao can’t have a baby. He blinks at her.

“How long have you known?” he asks. He can’t imagine how it would feel, carrying this alone.

“Since Asuma died.” She says to the couch cushion. Raidou stares at the back of her head. He stands up and sits behind her. She sits up and turns to look at him. Raidou scoots right up behind her and puts his arms around her waist. Yuugao tilts forward, away from him. “Do you still love me?”

“What?” he asks. Yuugao crosses her arms.

“You heard me.”

“I did,” he says carefully. Yuugao isn’t crying, but she will start soon. He can hear it in the tightness of her voice. “Why do you think I don’t love you?”

“Because I can’t give you what you want.” She says. Raidou tilts his head, looking at the back of her neck.

“I want you,” he says softly. Asuma’s death and its fallout have put a lot of things in perspective for him. People die every day, just by doing their job. It’s a risk they all take, but it feels real this time. Raidou doesn’t know what he would do if something happened to Yuugao. He would probably be worse than Kurenai.

_And if something happened to Kurenai…_

He has been looking at statistics about childbirth. The maternal mortality rate in Japan is four out of one hundred thousand deliveries. The infant mortality rate is one point nine out of one thousand births. There is a miniscule chance that something could happen.

But that doesn’t mean he won’t check and re-check to make sure that he is the person who will be making the decisions if anything goes sideways. He would never forgive himself if he wasn’t there when she needed him. He has already thought about booking the week of her due date off. A part of him, a selfish, selfish part of him, is happy that Yuugao won’t face that kind of risk. That he only has to live through this particular anxiety once.

Yuugao puts her hands over his arms, pushing them into her stomach. _I want you_. She doesn’t believe it. Not when it comes to things like this. “Why?” Raidou blinks at her question.

“Why?” he repeats. He pulls her back and against him.

“Don’t you want a family?” she asks.

“I only want kids with you,” he says, slowly. “Not with anyone else.”

“Really?” _Not even Kurenai?_ Yuugao doesn’t say it, but she thinks it.

“Truly,” he says, “and we are a family, and there are other ways to have children. This doesn’t change the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” These are all things he sincerely believes. Yuugao turns, moving to sit on his lap, her arms around his neck.

She doesn’t say anything. Yuugao just starts crying. Raidou holds her. She cries for their children, his heartbreaks for her. Infertility, like death, isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t a problem that can be fixed. It just is.

**

_Raidou sits, his elbows on his knees, naked from his shower, staring at Yuugao’s left butt cheek. She looks over her shoulder anxiously. He has a neutral expression on his face, like it’s normal for her to ask him to look at her backside._

_“So, let me get this straight,” Raidou says, “you got drunk and decided to get a tattoo on your butt?”_

_“It’s cute!” Yuugao’s tone is defensive. It is a tiny heart, with a black outline, filled in with red._

_“Your butt is pretty cute,” he snickers. She frowns._

_“Don’t make fun of me.” She replies._

_“I am very serious about your butt,” he puts a hand over his heart, “I would never make light of it.” He grins when he notices that she is trying not to smile._

_“I hate you.” She says. Raidou grabs her hips and pulls her onto his lap. She shrieks but relaxes when she feels his chest against her bare back._

_“You definitely don’t hate me,” he says into her shoulder. “I’ll kiss it, if you want.”_

_“It’ll get infected,” she sighs._

_“I’ll kiss around it,” he kisses her shoulder. Yuugao grins._

_“You’re a pervy old man.” She sighs, leaning against him. Raidou smirks._

_“Old and pervy, huh?” he asks, “you sure know how to pick ‘em.” He moves back on the bed and rolls them over, so he hovers over her back. Yuugao looks at him over her shoulder. Some hair is stuck to her mouth._

_Raidou moves the hair from her mouth, and then leans forward, kissing her. It’s kind of uncomfortable for both of them, but Yuugao is so into him that she doesn’t care and Raidou is just overwhelmed by all the love in his heart. He smiles when he pulls away, and Yuugao licks her upper lip._

_“So, which of your friends came up with the idea for the tattoo?” he asks. Yuugao smirks._

_“Why?” she asks._

_“So, I can thank them myself.” She wiggles as he kisses down her back, and giggles when he softly bites the butt cheek that doesn’t have a tattoo on it._

_“I came up with it all by myself,” she declares, proudly. If he wasn’t hard before, he definitely is now._

_“Let’s make a baby,” she says. Raidou tilts his head. They’ve talked about it, hypothetically, but he didn’t think she would want to start so soon. She is young, after all._

_“You sure?” he asks, “we’ve only been together for two and half years.”_

_“So,” she asks over her shoulder, “I want to be with you forever.” She smiles. Raidou makes a noise in his throat. She can see his resolve weakening._

_“What about Anbu?” he asks. She shrugs._

_“I can be a mom in Anbu.” She grins, “I’m twenty-four, and I have achieved everything I wanted to professionally.” She rolls onto her back and sits up on her elbows. She kisses his lower lip, grinning when he opens his mouth. “I’m ready to settle.”_

_“Settle?” he asks, “does this mean you want to get married?”_

_“Fuck no.” She puts a hand on his cheek and kisses him, deep. Raidou smiles into her mouth. She tastes like herself, which is nice. All he wants for the rest of his life, really._

_“You better not change your mind,” he says. She tilts her head._

_“About what?”_

_“All of it.” He smiles. “I will have a million babies with you if we don’t get married.” Yuugao smirks._

_“Am I not wife material?” she wraps her legs around his waist, and they both sigh when they get close._

_“I’m not husband material.” He leans down and kisses her. Her mouth, her chin, the column of her throat. The ridge of her sternum, the soft plane of her stomach, and then, finally, her inner thigh. She looks down at him, and swallows._

_“You don’t have to,” she says, but Raidou grins._

_“I want to,” he replies. “I want you to know how much I love you.” Yuugao smiles softly, and it twists when he puts his mouth to her. He knows all her spots, but it still amazes her that he knows her body so well. It’s strange, far from unpleasant but nonetheless, weird to be adored on this level. Her insides, literal and figurative, are just as important as the outside._

_Raidou uses his hands, his mouth to part her and explore. She says she has spots, but he feels like they are always moving. It’s more the case that he is thorough than there being spots memorized. He just likes her taste, her smell. The human things that make him feel like an animal. He moves against her and she bucks her hips up. He feels her sigh down in her core, and he closes his eyes when her hands reach for the crown of his head._

_He isn’t gentle with her, because she doesn’t like it. But he is precise, and there is a method to the way that he makes her feel like he is everywhere at once. She looks up at the ceiling and moans. They’ve gotten exactly two noise complaints, and both times were because he started like this. Strong, certain, precise. She looks down and their eyes meet. She is certain: he is going to make her beg. She wiggles her hips and he hums, making her smile._

_“You’re cute,” she sighs. Raidou raises an eyebrow, not saying anything. He prefers to show, not tell, and he grins when she starts cursing. More, more, more. Her chant is a quiet, breathy chorus. So, he gives her more than more. He lays everything out, moving strong, just for her. She moves her legs apart, although nothing short of cracking her pelvis apart will give him the access she wants. She wishes her body could swallow him, so he could be inside her all the time. She would keep him safe from the world, and they could do shit like this all the time. It’s a win-win._

_“Raidou,” she pants, “I want more.” She feels him grin, and she sees stars when he sucks and slides another finger in. She grabs the bedsheet and makes a really ugly, loud noise. Her feet flex, and he grabs onto her legs to prevent her from kicking out. But his mouth remains, and the comedown quickly turns into another swell. He does it once more, just because he can, and she’s already warmed up._

_Her face is twisted into this hot, ugly expression that makes Raidou want to flip her over and go to town, but he wants to be a little more delicate, ‘cause they are, you know, trying to bring new life into the world. He moves back over her, and grins as she recovers._

_“How do you do that?” she asks. He blinks._

_“How do I do what?” he replies. She puffs her cheeks._

_“Make me come like that?” she sits up on her elbows, kissing his chin. Raidou looks up, thinking._

_“Honestly?” he replies, “I just really like giving you head. I guess my enthusiasm translates.” He smiles when she kisses his throat. He likes it when she does stuff like this. It makes him feel adored. Lovable. “How do you want me to put a baby in you?” Yuugao pauses._

_“Well, how do you want to do it?”_

_“I kinda want to see the tattoo you got for me.” He grins when she blushes. He had a feeling that, if not for him, she definitely got it knowing he would like it. Yuugao grins._

_“Who says I got it for you?” she asks. Raidou smirks._

_“Well, did you get it for me?” he asks. Her grin gets even wider._

_“Nope.” She rolls over onto her stomach, wiggling her hips as he looks down at the little heart._

_“I don’t believe you,” he deadpans, putting his palm over it._

_“I bet you can’t make me say anything different,” she hums. Raidou smirks. If he has any talent in this life, it is making women say what he wants them to say._

_“Well, let’s fuck around and see how you feel after,” he replies. She turns around and grins so big, he swears he can see all her teeth._ I don’t think I’m the perv _._

_He pulls her hips up to him, and she rests on her elbows. She turns to look at the headboard. She wiggles a little bit, and she smiles when he kisses the back of her neck. He straightens his back and lines them up, and they both sigh when they come together. She rests her forehead on the bed, her long hair obscuring her face. As he begins to move, he leans to hold some loosely in his fist. She hums, lifting her head to feel the weight of his hand._

_Raidou is to the point. He moves strong and certain, but he has to admit, being inside Yuugao is a special thing. She, like Kurenai, makes him feel really lucky. Except she somehow makes him feel even better, because she makes having a real, live future seem less scary. What he said earlier was true. He would have a million babies with her if she asked. He would even get married. All she has to say is jump, and he will ask “how high?”_

_He knows how she likes it. Rough, to the point of pain, hard and fast. There can be no room for doubt or hesitation. Go, go, go. She lifts her head and blows her bangs out of her face._

_“Pull my hair,” she asks. Her voice is breathy and hot. Raidou doesn’t yank or jerk. He does a slow, smooth pull, giving her control. He takes care of all the little details. He lives to serve her vision. “Harder.”_

_“Harder?” he asks. It’s difficult to concentrate when they are moving together the way they are. It’s not even an in-out. They just move back and forth, chasing each other. He has a thing for endless, perhaps pointless, expansion. He likes sex with feelings. It’s the only kind that nourishes him. Everything else is just filler. So, he pulls harder until she is on all fours._

_“Perfect,” she moans. Raidou smiles._

_Yuugao finds that she never has much time to think about a lot of things when they have sex. Thoughts float in and out of focus for the first two minutes, until Raidou really gets going. Then, it all hits strong and true, and all her thoughts are in her body. Between her legs, the back of her thighs, along her spine. They all tingle, until they turn molten and there are a few solid minutes where it just feels good. Not orgasmic, just the relaxing kind of good. Like the right spot is being scratched, and she just gets to enjoy it._

_It’s easy and slick and warm between them, and Yuugao decides that a big side benefit of having a baby is making the baby. She wants a baby with Raidou because she feels ready and she loves him. He is steady and reliable and capable of tenderness in a way no man, not even Hayate, has been with her. But he is also really good at sex. He reaches under her to hold her stomach and thrust deeper. She groans and puts her hand over his, twining their fingers._

_Deeper, deeper, deeper._

_Closer, closer, closer._

_Raidou doesn’t ever want to hit the bottom of Yuugao. He enjoys infinitude too much, and he fantasizes about her being bottomless, without limit. She makes an ugly noise under him, and he feels the familiar coil in his tummy, tight to the point of bursting. Yuugao cries out and stuffs her face into the bed, and Raidou finally slams home._

_He hovers over her, pushing her hair over her head to kiss the sweaty hairline along the back of her neck. She turns her head to the side, sighing._

_“You were right.” Raidou blinks for a second._

_“What?”_

_“I got the tattoo to make you smile.” She says this in a small voice. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it is the truth. She feels him laugh above her, and she smiles. “You don’t think that’s weird?”_

_“Well…” he says, “it’s not the weirdest thing a woman has said to me.” Yuugao moves so quickly, that he falls over to the side. “Ow.”_

_“What is the craziest thing a woman has said to you?” Yuugao asks. Raidou blinks._

_“That my semen is her favourite, and I could ejaculate on her face without consent and she would lick it all up.” Yuugao bursts out laughing, and Raidou snorts. “I swear, it really happened. I know it sounds like a bad porno, but I lived it.” Yuugao straddles him._

_“I want to outdo that,” she declares. Raidou chokes._

_“Don’t know if my heart could take it,” he replies, “I am pretty old.”_

_“Maybe I will fuck you into having a coronary.” Yuugao smirks. Raidou grins._

_“You want to have my baby and give me a coronary in the process?” he whistles. “Now you are speaking crazy.” Yuugao dives for his mouth. He sighs and lets her in._

**

Raidou slumps onto the couch beside Kurenai. He feels drained from the last twenty-four hours, walking around the village, thinking about how Yuugao will never be pregnant. He didn’t realize how badly he wanted it, until the universe took it away. He looks at Kurenai from the corner of his eye, and he wonders if this is how she felt too.

“You’re getting fat,” he says, just to get a rise out of her. She turns to him, frowning.

“Don’t call a pregnant woman fat.” She puts her hands on her belly, “I can feel the baby moving. It sort of feels like gas.” Raidou snorts. Kurenai frowns. “I don’t know why you’re laughing. You probably made your mom feel the same way.” He looks up at her, eyes glimmering. He is smiling, but his eyes say otherwise.

“You want to know who will never feel that way?” he asks. Kurenai shrugs.

“You?”

“Yuugao,” he says quietly. “We can’t have a baby.” When Raidou decided to open his mouth just a minute ago, he thought he would deliver it like a punchline. _Like, ha ha, see how life has pissed all over me again? See how the universe rewarded Yuugao for choosing Big Bad Raidou?_ But it comes out sad and small. Just a whisper.

Kurenai looks at him, her eyes wide. She wants to tell him that it will be okay, that there must be something that they can do. That the universe wouldn’t play them like this, not after they grew up and got their acts together. _If we were together, would I be pregnant and you alive?_ Kurenai puts her hand over his arm.

“I’m sorry,” she says in low voice. Being pregnant and alone is strange, especially with Shikamaru appointing himself as her bodyguard and waking up to Genma or Raidou snoring beside her and Yuugao being in her kitchen and everyone buying her plants, but she still gets a baby. A little bit of her and Asuma, who will surpass them and live on. The Will of Fire and all that propaganda.

“Asuma was going to be a fun uncle.” Raidou says. Kurenai sighs.

“We all had plans.” The understatement of the year.

“Yuugao thinks you hate her.” Raidou sighs, “tell me she’s wrong.” Kurenai snorts.

“Why would I hate her?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“She would be an easy target.” Raidou sits up, reaching for the television remote.

“Easy target for what?” Kurenai asks. She is terrified that Raidou knows the secret of her rotten core. He gives her a funny look, tilting his head.

“I don’t know. Resentment, I guess.” He sighs, “she’s easier to be mad at because you love me, and that makes it hard for you to commit to resenting me. Yuugao’s around all the time and she is attached to me, so, ergo, it is easier to be mad at her.” Raidou clicks the power button. “I’m not judging you. I would prefer for you to hate me. I hate me for what happened…”

“Raidou,” Kurenai says, but he bites his lip.

“No, Kurenai, I need to say this,” he says, “Yuugao is really trying, and she’s going through her own really hard loss, and I’d appreciate it if you were just a little kinder to her. Do it for me.” He flips through the channels, looking for the television guide. “She just lost something big too.” Raidou doesn’t look at Kurenai through this entire exchange. This is not lost on her.

“Why won’t you look at me?” she asks.

“Because I am looking at the television,” he answers. Kurenai frowns.

“That’s not the only reason.” She replies. Raidou rolls his eyes and scratches his neck.

“There isn’t a reason,” he says. One of the most difficult things to accept about the world is that there is no grand design. Every living thing is fucked into existence, because other living things were a little horny. The sun is just a star. Humans are cursed with consciousness. You know you’ll die one day, but you don’t know when.

Asuma likes dramas. _Is this dramatic enough for you?_ How did Asuma feel when Yuugao’s hand was cut open? What did he see? Raidou hopes that he found some humor in it. Someone needs to get a kick out of the fuck show this year is turning into.

Raidou turns to look at Kurenai. He blinks up at her. “How did Yuugao hurt her hand?” he asks. Kurenai frowns.

“She took hold of a glass shard in my hand, and I tugged.” She doesn’t see the point in lying. Raidou wouldn’t have brought it up if he didn’t think she was involved. Raidou frowns.

“Why?” he asks.

“I wanted that shard. It wasn’t about her. It was about the glass. She was…”

“Collateral.” Raidou looks away. “She covered for you. Yuugao is that kind of person.” He sounds a little angry. Kurenai can’t blame him.

“I know the kind of person she is,” Kurenai says, “she’s the one keeping everything together.” Never, in all the times she has mean mugged Yuugao in the last few months, did Kurenai ever think Yuugao would actually suffer. Raidou looks back at Kurenai, searching her face. She does look sorry, and Raidou believes that it wasn’t intentional. He sighs.

“Don’t do it again,” he says, “ _please_. For me.” _I don’t know how much more Yuugao can take_. Raidou doesn’t know how she kept it to herself for so long, how she was able to hide it from him. It upsets Raidou that she could keep a secret like that from him. At the same time, whenever he looks at Kurenai, he is reminded of the secret they share. _Do you think this happened because of what we did?_ Raidou so badly wants to ask Kurenai this question, but he won’t, because he doesn’t think he could continue breathing if she said ‘yes.’

“Okay,” Kurenai says in a small voice. “I am sorry.” Raidou nods.

“I know.” He finally lands on the channel he is looking for. “Do you want to watch a movie?” Kurenai frowns.

“It’s late.” She says.

“So?” he replies, “I am staying here tonight.” Kurenai sighs.

“But you’ll fall asleep in the middle, and you’re grumpy if I wake you up before you’re ready.” Kurenai pouts.

“People need to stop joking about my age,” Raidou huffs. Kurenai smiles evilly.

“Oh, I wasn’t even _thinking_ of that,” she says. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“I’ll have you know that Yuugao likes it when I pass out in the middle of a movie, because my snores sync up with the scary parts.” He smiles when he hears Kurenai giggle.

He falls asleep in the first twenty minutes, his head on Kurenai’s lap. His snores do sync up with every scary part of the slasher movie he chose. She feels her baby dance in her tummy as Raidou snores again. _Family,_ she thinks. _I have one._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, so I might have to change to bi-weekly updates. You'll still get regular content, it just might take longer, lol. This entire story is emotional, but this particular arc has a lot of upsetting (but necessary!) moments. I really want to apologize to everyone who thought this was going to be a fun, trashy ride. It still kind of is, but here to chapter twenty-one is going to be...not bleak, but not happy. It is emotionally exhausting trying to keep a love triangle dynamic, because I root for Yuugao and Kurenai often simultaneously. I'm curious to know if anyone is on a set team, or if it changes like it does for me. A friend told me that Raidou is a man worth fighting over. I am inclined to agree, but I am biased lol. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, from the bottom of my crooked heart! Your comments keep me going, and I really do appreciate hearing what resonates with people. Stay safe out there!


	14. An Island is Land (Surrounded by Water)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An actual and metaphorical punch to the face.

“And when I call, you come home/ A bird in your teeth”

Phoebe Bridgers, “I Know the End”

_Genma practically busts down the bathroom door. His face is screwed up in discomfort, and he is giving Kurenai an angry look. “Do you want me to piss my pants?” he asks, standing in front of the toilet. Kurenai sticks another rhinestone onto her cheekbone. It’s silver, in the shape of a star. She is wearing a glittery halter top, with almost no back, and a pair of high-waisted black shorts. She is covered in body shimmer._

_“I don’t care if you pee in front of me,” she says, looking at herself in the mirror. Genma frowns at her, but she pointedly doesn’t look at him as he pees._

_“You’re so vain,” he sighs, adjusting himself and zipping up his pants._

_“If I am going to dress up as a heavenly body, I am going to make sure I do it right.” She steps back from the sink so he can wash his hands._

_“You think your body is heavenly?” Genma snorts, “your nipples look funny.”_

_“What?” Kurenai looks down at her breasts, making Genma smirk._

_“I just thought you’d like a guy’s perspective on your outfit.” Genma reaches for a towel to dry his hands, as Kurenai uses her foot to hit the lever on the side of the toilet._

_“From a woman: flush the fucking toilet,” Kurenai says. Genma smirks._

_“If it’s yellow, let it mellow,” he pushes his way out of the bathroom. Kurenai puffs her cheeks and follows him._

_Raidou sits on her bed, watching Anko organize their drugs. She sits on the floor of Kurenai’s room, a few baggies in front of her. Aoba is beside her, drinking a beer. Kakashi leans against the window, talking to Shizune and Asuma. Guy, for once, is staying both quiet and still. There could be something wrong, but no one really wants to find out._

_They are all covered in glitter. They are going to an underground, civilian rave. Anko swears it will be fun, and Kurenai and Genma never pass up on a chance to go into monster mode. Asuma and Shizune are both back in town, Kakashi has the week off, Aoba and Guy are both bored. The stars have all aligned._

_“Do you know Genma doesn’t flush after he pees?” Kurenai says. Raidou snorts. He is here because Genma kept threatening to leave Kurenai in a ditch somewhere._

_“If it’s yellow, let it mellow,” Kakashi drawls. Genma smirks as Kurenai, Anko and Shizune wrinkle their noses._

_“I think the real fucked up thing is you joking about being a heavenly body when your nipples are so wonky,” Genma says. Kurenai blushes bright red. Everyone politely looks at her face._

_“The theme is the stars!” She says. Genma shrugs._

_“You make it too easy.” He replies. Kurenai’s face twists up, but Raidou interjects before she can say anything._

_“I have better things to do then listen to the two of you argue about Kurenai’s nipples in front of all our friends.” He deadpans._

_“Like what?” Genma squawks, thumping down beside him onto Kurenai’s bed._

_“Like wonder why I don’t have friends my own age. You know, adults,” Raidou replies. He is only twenty-three, but these fucks are nineteen. Kakashi is only seventeen. Sometimes, he really feels the age difference._

_“I’m an adult!” Kurenai replies. Raidou snorts._

_“In name only.” He says. Kurenai frowns, sitting on him._

_“We do adult things.” She says, wrapping her arms around his neck. Raidou rolls his eyes. Genma sticks his tongue into the side of his cheek to create a bulge while holding his fist to his face, a crude reference to a blow job. Raidou scowls at Genma, while everyone else laughs, before returning to their respective conversations. Kurenai frowns._

_“It’s not my fault I’m desirable.” She hums. Raidou holds onto her waist, clearly agreeing._

_“We weren’t even talking about your desirability, or lack thereof,” Genma says. Kurenai kicks out at him, but he dodges. “The day I want to make out with you is the day I need to blow my brains out.” Genma snorts._

_“We did make out!” Kurenai says, “a year ago.” Raidou’s eye twitches, a detail that is not lost on Genma._

_“It hasn’t happened again for a reason,” he says, “I don’t like the way your teeth sit in your mouth. Funny nipples, ugly teeth; they both ruin it for me.”_

_“If you want girls to pay attention to you, you should stop talking about my nipples.” Kurenai retorts. Genma gives her the middle finger. She sticks out her tongue, as Raidou holds her back._

_“You two are so predictable,” he sighs. Kurenai turns to look back at him, her features softening. Genma gets off the bed to bite the bullet and be the one to ask Guy if he is okay._

_“You don’t think my nipples are weird, right?”_

_“Is this going to be a new hang up?” he asks. She is always pointing out her stretchmarks and cellulite to him, as if they are noticeable or a big deal._

_“Well, no,” she says, a little embarrassed, “but I would like some reassurance.” Raidou looks around, to make sure everyone else is busy. He then puts his mouth to the shell of Kurenai’s ear, and tells her, in fine detail, how much he likes her nipples. It’s one of the most contrived things he has ever had to do, but it’s nice to see Kurenai blush._

**

Sometimes, Aoba gets really philosophical after a few beers. None of them resent it, it’s just that he has this way of blowing up very simple concepts into these big, bloated thought monsters. Aoba likes to terrorize himself, intellectually speaking.

This is their first time at the bar since the funeral. Asuma wasn’t there all the time, but his presence was always a possibility. Everyone is a little muted, even Guy. So, Aoba decides to break the silence and fill the void with his banal musings.

“Do you ever wonder if we’re on the right side?” he asks. Kakashi blinks.

“How so?” Genma replies. Raidou sits back.

“Well,” Aoba says, “do you think our clients are, more or less, good people?” Aoba leans against the table. Raidou snorts. He isn’t a hitman because people are good. People will pay good money to make their problems go away, especially if that _problem_ is another person.

“Good, unproblematic people don’t hire mercenaries,” Raidou sips his beer. He doesn’t exist in a vacuum. The stress of the last few months has caused him to start dreaming about that woman he killed right after leaving Kurenai, before Yuugao. His brother was right. The pay isn’t worth it.

He sees Yuugao and Kurenai, their little rib cages and hard sternums and soft flesh, and he dreams that one of them is on his sword. He will toss and turn, waking up to Yuugao touching his face or Kurenai rubbing his back, and it makes him want to retch. _I’m not a good person because I kill for money_. Yuugao tells him not to judge himself so harshly, and Kurenai just hums. He never tells them what the dreams actually are. It’s too morbid.

They never say that he is blameless. They just say it’s a shitty situation, which is code for _I love you too much to insist that you have agency in any of the bad things that you do_. Kurenai and Yuugao are delusional for loving him like they do. Ugly and evil: Big Bad Raidou. Not for the first time, he wonders if either woman would care about him if he were a whole person. Like, who is more twisted: the assassin, the woman who can’t keep away from him or the woman who wants to bear his child? Kurenai being with Asuma is the sanest choice she has ever made.

Kakashi tilts his head, thinking. They all get shitty missions, but Raidou is the only assassin among them. No one judges him for it, and that makes him feel worse. _I don’t deserve to be a dad_ , Raidou thinks. No kid should look up to him. He can never have the moral high ground, not that he ever wanted it, he would just like the option. It’s worth adding that Raidou is also disgusted by his self-pity.

“You’ve got a point,” Aoba says, “you’ve given me something to think about.”

“Violence necessitates violence,” Genma shrugs.

“And the sun is just a star,” Kakashi hums.

“Do you think there’s life on Mars?” Aoba asks. Genma shrugs.

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” he drawls. Raidou closes his eyes and tries not to think about all the times he put his sword through someone who really didn’t deserve it.

**

_Raidou lies beside Yuugao, his arm around her. They did the thing where, instead of having sex on the bed, they did it on the floor. It was rushed and imperfect, but it was still a lot of fun. Her head is making his arm go numb, but he doesn’t mind. He wishes he could have her this close all the time. He feels so, so happy._

_“This, right here, is perfect.” He says. Yuugao smiles next to him._

_“It’s a real moment,” she sighs. Yuugao only got back to Konoha a few hours ago. She called him at the barracks, when she finally came home, and he used a time-space jutsu to materialize within minutes. She asked if it tired him out. His mouth over her collarbone, he said that she was worth it. She flipped him over, and within minutes, it was over._

_“You got here so fast.” She smiles._

_“Duty called, so I came running.” He looks down at her._

_“You know, it would be easier if I could just call out to you.” She sits up, looking down at him. His arm tingles._

_“Like a mating call?” he says, “you know everyone would hear it, right?” Yuugao smiles._

_“Hmm, I could do that,” she says, “but, you could also move in with me.” Raidou blinks. He sits up, eye to eye with her._

_“You want to live with me?” he asks. Each time Yuugao asks to deepen their commitment to each other, it surprises him. She smirks at the dumb stuck expression on his face._

_“You look like a goldfish,” she says. He hums._

_“You’re into fish?” he recovers himself. “I wouldn’t judge you.” Yuugao thinks about giving him a flat look, but she kisses him instead._

_“I love you so much,” she sighs. “I want you to be here all the time.”_

_“All the time?” he smiles, pulling her onto him._

_“Yes,” she slips her tongue into his mouth, and Raidou hums on the inside. Before they go further, he pulls back._

_“I want to live with you too,” he says. “I would even go so far as to say I would be really bummed if I had to go on without you.” Yuugao laughs._

_“Really bummed?” she asks. Raidou nods._

_“The most bummed out, ever,” he kisses her chin._

_She wraps herself around him, and he feels like this is peace._

**

Resentment isn’t a cute look. It makes Kurenai’s jaw tight and her brows furrow unattractively. It goes against the pretty, young widow look people expect from her. She glowers out her window. Yuugao took all the plants a few weeks ago. There is no life in her apartment, besides her and the baby. Kurenai knows her name, but she still likes to think of her little girl as the baby. As soon as you name something, it dies. It’s a superstition Raidou taught her.

She is five months along. Kurenai, for the first time in her life, has a belly. She rests a hand on her stomach and glares out the window. Today is one of those days where she is very, very angry to be alone. Shikamaru comes to her appointments, like that makes it better. Sakura told her that she is having a girl. _Did you know that when you carry a girl, all her eggs are developing while she is inside you? It’s like you’re caring two generations_. Kurenai smiled politely, but the news made her sad. Asuma will never meet his daughter, his future; Mirai.

Kurenai looks out her window. She carries three generations within her, and she has never felt older. She remembers when Anko told her about the mother/monster trope in mythology. That the cosmic mother is also a monster that needs to be contained, for she is simultaneously a force of destruction and terror. _Mothers are dangerous because they give life and therefore, have the legitimate right to take it away_. Kurenai feels like destroying something, alright. Punching something would feel really good.

She hears the door open behind her. There is no point in turning around. She knows it’s Raidou.

“You need to lock your door,” he says. Kurenai sighs loudly, but he keeps talking. “I found some nice apples today, and I got some pork for dinner.” He kicks off his shoes and walks over to the table. She hears the bag crinkle as he places it on the kitchen table. He hums, walking to the fridge. She looks at him over her shoulder. “How was your appointment today?” he asks, opening the fridge. He moves a few things over, checking to see if anything has gone bad.

“I’m having a girl.” She says. Raidou freezes, and then turns to look at her. He is grinning.

“You’re having a girl,” he says softly. “How does it feel?” Kurenai turns and walks to the paper bag. She looks around, sticking her hand in the bag, looking for cookies. He frowns as the silence grows. “Kurenai?”

“I feel happy,” she says, without any joy in her voice. “I feel like a winner. An A+.” He frowns.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. Kurenai shrugs, pulling the bag of cookies out. She opens it, not looking at Raidou. She takes a cookie out, and chews loudly.

Raidou watches Kurenai stare at him, waiting for her to tell him why she is upset. She eats six cookies, before dropping the open bag onto the table. _It’s on_. Raidou doesn’t know why she is so angry, but he braces himself. Kurenai has a lot of reasons to be mad, and he feels like he is to blame.

“I gave you the best years of my life.” She crosses her arms.

“The best is yet to come,” he replies. Kurenai sucks on the lining of her cheek. She gave him time she could have given Asuma. She doesn’t regret Raidou, so much as she is angry that life gave her so little time with Asuma.

“Bullshit.” She says, “you got me in my prime.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“You’re being dramatic.” He walks over to the grocery bag and takes out the pork to put in the fridge.

“I’m being honest,” she says, “I gave you the best years of my life, and for what?”

“Those were your best years?” Raidou drawls, sticking the pork in the fridge. He turns around and looks at her. “You know, Yuugao said the same thing to me.” At the mention of her name, something in Kurenai snaps.

“You’re a vampire, that’s why.” She says. Raidou blinks.

“A vampire?” he sighs, “where is this coming from?”

The truth is that it comes from nowhere. Kurenai is just in the mood to maim something, and she is off duty. Cruelty originates in pain. So, Kurenai goes for the jugular.

“You’re draining Yuugao and wasting her time, the same way you did to me!” She crosses her arms. Raidou frowns.

“You don’t mean that,” he says slowly.

“But I do,” Kurenai says, “I really, really do.”

“What, pray tell, did I take from you?” he asks. None of this makes sense to him.

“Time,” she snaps back, “time I could have given Asuma.” Raidou groans. _Not this again_.

“If I recall, you’re the one who kept coming back to me.” All four times, she had initiated sex. Kurenai, keenly aware of their past, is angry that he won’t let her re-envision their time together. Her rage makes her see, with complete clarity, the best way to hurt him.

“You know what I think?” she asks. Raidou says nothing. He has resigned himself to his fate. “I think you’re happy that Asuma is dead.”

Raidou doesn’t feel it, at first. It stuns him, how painless the blow is. It is as if she has murdered him. _I must be dead. I can’t still be alive_. He blinks, once, twice. Kurenai’s face is twisted, in anger and pain. When the pain registers, it’s as if his heart has burst. The violence of her statement is up there with being impaled on the scythe or having the chidori rammed through the heart. _Except_ , he thinks grimly, _I am still alive_.

Raidou wants to be dead as much as he wants to punch Kurenai’s door frame, but he holds these two impulses together. He does nothing. Raidou, in a daze, speaks softly. “Is that what you really think of me?”

The question is soft, pathetic. It clearly isn’t what Kurenai thinks of him. She spat acid because she needed to externalize her anger. She keeps her mouth clamped shut, but her eyes get big after the haze of anger dissipates and she realizes what she actually said. Almost all evil thrives because someone gives a thought and a feeling far more power than they should. She clamps her hand over her mouth, like she is trying to take it back. _Too late_.

“I’m going to leave.” Raidou says. Kurenai nods, speechless. He swallows and nods, before walking to where his shoes are. He slips them on and lets himself out.

There are three generations within Kurenai, and she just destroyed the person she loves the most. Mothers are monsters, because they give and take life.

**

Raidou frequently wonders about the nature of guilt. It’s his favorite stance to take; _guilty_. Genma says that if Raidou weren’t so fixated on being guilty, he would be a martyr. _Your life is one big obligation to other people_. It’s not that it’s wrong; it’s that Genma makes it sound like Raidou doesn’t enjoy being the way he is. Yes, guilt feels terrible, but it is Raidou’s way of finding agency in a world that denies him of it.

It’s difficult to process that Kurenai actually said what she said to him. He isn’t even sad, or angry. Just…dead. Numb. A place beyond words, really. He opens the door to his building, and he walks up the stairs, two at a time. Raidou takes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door. Yuugao is sitting on the couch, reading one of her romance books.

Her hair is in a knot, revealing the slope of the back of her neck. She doesn’t look at him at first.

“Hi,” she says, clearly more interested in her book. Raidou doesn’t say anything. Rather, he takes off his shoes, and walks over to the couch. He sits down, without a word. Yuugao lowers her book and tilts her head to look at him. “Raidou?”

He looks at her, his lower lip out and a stubborn expression on his face, like he is determined not to cry. “Baby,” she says softly, turning to face him, “what’s wrong?” Raidou looks at her, and then the ground. He feels an immense shame for needing her so much, for being such an emotional creature. _I should be holding you_. She goes to a support group now, and they are having sex again, but not as frequently as they used to. She can’t have a baby, and on top of that, she gets saddled with him.

“Kurenai told me that I am happy that Asuma is dead.” She watches him squirm as he says it, the memory so singularly unpleasant. Yuugao blinks.

“She said that to you?” she asks. Raidou nods. Yuugao’s jaw clenches. She can live with Kurenai’s slights, because they are rooted in the fact that Kurenai, on some level, wants Raidou. Yuugao can understand what motivates the resentment directed at her. She _cannot_ understand why Kurenai would lash out at Raidou, at all. He has done so much for her, and he has given her so much of himself over the last few months. The idea that he would like Asuma being dead is ludicrous. If it weren’t such a cruel thing to say, Yuugao would laugh at the absurdity. “Baby,” she sighs, opening her arms, “come here.”

Raidou holds back. He grips his upper arm, shifting away. He bites his lower lip, looking at the floor. Yuugao frowns.

“It’s not true,” she says carefully.

“Obviously not,” he grumbles. He looks at her, guilty. “I just…I feel like I’ve been falling apart all the time, and you’ve been keeping me together. But you lost something too, and you’ve kept it all together.” He looks away. “I feel bad that this is even a problem.” Yuugao sighs.

“Raidou,” she says, “don’t feel ashamed for asking for help.” Even though, he has actually touched on something very real. Yuugao hasn’t told him how dead she truly feels. She doesn’t want to listen to him talk about adoption or being a family, but he is too good of a guy to ever say that something has been taken from them. She is a whole person to him, but she doesn’t feel that way about herself. It’s just easier to keep up a front, than it is to show him how deep the bullet lies.

What she really wants, in her heart of hearts, is for Kurenai to be out of their lives. When Yuugao sees her stomach, or the sonogram pictures, or the way Raidou dotes on Kurenai, it feels like a slap in the face. It only makes her feel worse, because someone’s dad is _dead_. Asuma’s death triggered all of this, but Yuugao feels ashamed for how little he factors into her feelings. He is always an afterthought, and it is always in relation to the baby, not to Kurenai. Yuugao doesn’t think Kurenai deserved Asuma; in a way, she is happy that he is rid of her. It’s a demented thing to think, but Yuugao sees the way Kurenai holds onto Raidou. She had her hooks in him long before Asuma died.

If Yuugao could be honest, she would tell Raidou that she just wants him to be angry with her, to feel like they are on the same side. But she also knows that she would love him less if he were the kind of man who was angry because of her infertility, at Kurenai because she’s pregnant.

They haven’t even discussed his nightmares. He’s told her the basics of the story, but he has never shared the specific content. It’s another secret he keeps from her. Maybe it’s for her own good, but it doesn’t make Yuugao feel better.

He swallows, looking at her from the corner of his eye. “Yuugao,” he asks, “are you okay?” She sighs.

“Not really,” she answers. “Are you?”

“No,” Raidou says. “I’m really mad that Asuma’s dead, actually.” He’s convinced it’s why the nightmares have become a regular occurrence. He has never really struggled with them before.

“Yeah,” she says. _Me too_ would be petty, from her.

“We’re not going to be okay for a while, I think.” He turns his body to hers, and for the first time, she sees how tired he looks. _You put on a brave face, but you’re scared on the inside_. Yuugao is patient, Raidou is brave. It’s why Kurenai needs them so badly, not that she would admit it. He leans back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry she said those things,” Yuugao sighs, leaning over to trace the arch of his outer ear with her finger. He says nothing, as she strokes his pretty ear.

**

_After two weeks of avoiding everyone but Kurenai, Raidou has finally made an appearance. They are all eating lunch, when he shows up. Aoba and Genma are sitting on a bench, while Guy and Kakashi are sitting on the ground. Asuma stands, the only one not eating. A cigarette dangles from the corner of his mouth. They all saw Raidou at the funeral, but he has kept to himself since. He only sees Kurenai, something that has not gone unnoticed. Genma has seen her a few times at the grocery store, but that’s it. She hides away with him. It’s probably not very healthy, but his brother has only been in the ground for a week. They figure everyone is entitled to an unhealthy coping mechanism after that kind of loss._

_“Hey,” Raidou says. His hands are tucked into his pockets, and he looks uncomfortable._

_“Howdy,” Genma replies._

_“How’re you all doing.” Raidou says. They all shrug. It’s just been another fucked up week. Raidou nods, shuffling._

_“I’m sorry for not being around.” He says this quietly._

_“It’s fine,” Genma says. They didn’t expect Raidou to be very social. They just didn’t expect him to shack up with Kurenai._

_Asuma puffs on his cigarette. Other than Genma, he knows Raidou and Kurenai the best. He is, admittedly, jealous that they finally got together, but he also knows that Raidou’s brother wouldn’t want him to hideaway like a little baby. He’d want him to be a man. Asuma has been away, off and on, for a few years now. He doesn’t have time to pity Raidou. The world has real problems._

_“Ready to man up?” Asuma asks. Raidou’s jaw ticks. He is keenly aware of how weak he is. Hiding in Kurenai, who is younger and weaker than him, is a source of deep shame._

_“That’s a little harsh,” Kakashi says. They all know what Kurenai and Raidou are doing, and why they are doing it. They also don’t think Raidou is ready to have the conversation about why all of this is happening. At this point in time, none of them think that Raidou really loves Kurenai in that way. They think he is just coping with loss, and Kurenai is an outlet._

_“Man up?” Raidou asks. The truth is, he doesn’t feel like a man. He feels like a little kid. He is keenly aware of how much he needs his brother._

_“Your brother wouldn’t want you to hideaway like this,” Asuma spits his cigarette onto the ground, grinding it with his boot. Raidou stiffens._

_“Is this really about Kurenai?” Raidou asks. He doubts that Asuma really cares about his brother all that much. Kurenai is the girl who has always said ‘no’ to him. Asuma presses his lips together._

_“No,” he says in a dumb voice. Raidou takes some pleasure in the stupid look on Asuma’s face. They all sit in silence, watching Raidou and Asuma eye each other._

_“Then why are you so concerned about how I am spending my time?” Raidou really doesn’t need a lecture right now. He feels like a kid, but he isn’t one. Not in front of Asuma._

_“Look, I am just trying to help.” Asuma puts his hands up, walking towards Raidou. He feels his fists clench as Asuma approaches. “Someone needs to tell you man up.” Something in Raidou snaps. He knows Asuma is young and doesn’t yet know how stupid he is, but Raidou really has no patience for this._

_“You know what would really help?” he asks. Asuma tilts his head._

_“What?”_

_Not even Kakashi can predict the way that Raidou winds up his arm and slams his fist right into the middle of Asuma’s face. He doesn’t use chakra. It’s all him. Asuma isn’t knocked over, but he is forced to take a few steps back. From the crunch, it’s obvious that his nose is broken. Raidou shakes out his fist and is ready when Asuma sails toward him._

_No one says anything. Not Raidou, Asuma are any of their friends. They sit, frozen, before Genma and Kakashi insert themselves and pull the two men apart. Raidou shoves Genma off of him, stumbling back. His lip is split, and he is going to develop a black eye._

_“I am going home.” Raidou says, turning back in the direction he came from. No one asks if it is his or Kurenai’s place. It seems to be the same, these days._

**

Genma sits at Kurenai’s kitchen table. A bag of arrowroot cookies is open in his hand. There are a bunch of baby snacks all over the table. He bought a few, just to see what they taste like, and he has come to the conclusion that arrowroot cookies, for lack of a better word, are the shit.

“Did you know you can eat like, twenty of these and it is only one hundred calories?” Genma waves the blue package in the air. Kurenai dries a dish over the sink while Kakashi reads a magazine on her couch. They came over for lunch, and they have politely avoided asking about Raidou’s pointed absence.

“Are you watching your weight?” Kakashi asks. Genma shrugs.

“You’re the only one who isn’t thirty,” he replies, “I’ve got to start thinking about my health.” Kakashi opens his mouth to respond, when there is a knock at the door.

“It’s open!” Kurenai calls. She figures that it’s probably Guy or Aoba. You know, the people who cling onto Kakashi and Genma for definition and a stable sense of self.

The door opens, and Yuugao stands there, her arms crossed. She has an overly neutral look on her face, which they all know to mean that she is seriously pissed off. Genma speaks first.

“Hi Yuugao,” he grins, “want a cookie?” Yuugao frowns as she walks into the apartment, slipping her sandals off of her feet. She came straight from work, wearing her black fatigues with her hair in a high ponytail.

“No thank you.” Yuugao replies. She is looking right at Kurenai, who merely blinks back. Their silence is awkward, and Genma and Kakashi look between the two women.

“Hi Yuugao,” Kurenai says first. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“We need to talk about something,” Yuugao replies. “We need to talk about Raidou.” Genma and Kakashi look at each other, wondering if the day of reckoning is upon them.

Kurenai places the dish she is drying back on the rack, as she thinks over her response. She has been meaning to call Raidou and apologize for the things she said to him. It was gross and unfair of her to throw Asuma’s death in his face like that, and to make him responsible for all her grief and pain. Kurenai knows, on an intellectual level, that Raidou did not want anything to happen to Asuma. But rationality isn’t enough to rein in her emotions, even on a good day. That intensity is both her most attractive quality and worst trait.

“Is Raidou okay?” she asks in a quiet voice. Kurenai hopes he is, but she can tell by the expression on Yuugao’s face that it probably isn’t the case.

“No, actually,” Yuugao crosses her arms, “he hasn’t been doing very well at all.” Genma narrows his eyes as Kakashi tilts his head. They haven’t seen Raidou around at all, to be honest, and now they are wondering if Kurenai has something to do with it.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kurenai says, turning to face Yuugao. The younger woman bites her lip when she sees Kurenai’s stomach. It’s been a few months, but she still hasn’t come to terms with her infertility. The support group she joined is full of women in their mid-thirties to early forties. She is the youngest member by five years. Something in her tightens when she sees that Kurenai, of all people, is having a baby when she cannot. Raidou reminds her that there are different ways to have kids, and that he doesn’t need kids at all. But it’s not about him, it’s about her.

So, when Raidou came home and told Yuugao that Kurenai said that he must be happy Asuma died, something in Yuugao snapped. On top of all the hits they’ve taken as a couple, from Yuugao’s infertility, Raidou’s obvious issues with processing his feelings and their combined grief that they will never be a family, not the way they planned, Kurenai has been needy. Raidou sleeps over or insists that she come and spend time with them. Watching him take care of Kurenai makes Yuugao wonder if he would act that way if she were pregnant. She knows they are family and share some sort of twisted, unbreakable soul bond, but it feels like a slap in the face. Then to hear how ungrateful Kurenai is, when Raidou already feels a profound sense of guilt and responsibility for what happened to Asuma, when he could have been the one to die instead…well, it hurts, which makes Yuugao incredibly angry.

Angry enough to come here and tell Kurenai just what she did to Raidou. “You know he loves you, right?” Yuugao asks. Kurenai frowns.

“Yes.”

“He loves you and your baby, and by extension, he loved Asuma.” Genma’s mouth twitches at her remark. At best, Raidou and Asuma had enough people in common that they cared about what happened to the other. He would never say that they loved each other, so much as they felt obligated to like each other. Things changed a little, when Raidou finally admitted that he and Yuugao were thinking, _theoretically_ , about having a baby, at some point in the future, but not by much. Still, he isn’t going to interrupt. He thought he knew all the crimes Kurenai has committed against Raidou, and he is curious to find out what she’s done now.

“I love him,” Kurenai says, defensive. Kakashi rolls the magazine up and crosses his own arms.

“You don’t act like it.” Yuugao replies. Kurenai’s eye twitches. She deserved that one. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

“Oh?” Kurenai asks. Yuugao’s eyes narrow.

“Do you remember what you said to him?” Yuugao asks. Kurenai remains silent, as all three look at her. “You told him that he must be happy that Asuma is dead. Do you remember?” Kakashi blinks, and Genma frowns.

“Did you really say that?” Genma asks, making a face like he tasted something bad. Kurenai doesn’t answer him, verbally, but her jaw clenches.

“Those words actually came out of your mouth?” Kakashi is still in shock. Time appeared to have calmed Kurenai down, but he wonders if Asuma merely had a calming influence on her, rather than her maturing. It’s disappointing, to know that she said something like that to Raidou.

“Yes,” Kurenai says. “I was angry, and I said something hurtful.”

“No, you weren’t just hurtful,” Yuugao says, “he came home maimed. Do you get off on torturing him?”

“Torturing him? Where is _that_ coming from?” Kurenai asks. Yuugao frowns.

“You have always wanted his attention.” Yuugao replies, “you are always pushing him because you know he will never leave you. And this is how you treat him? He is so loyal and kind to you, after all the bullshit you put him and Asuma through…”

“Don’t you dare—” Kurenai hisses.

“What? Don’t I dare _what_ , Kurenai?” Yuugao’s hands move to her hips. “Do you think I didn’t know about your relationship with him when we got together?” she sighs. “You know, it took him months to get it together after it ended between you two. Why do you think you’re allowed to hurt him?” Kurenai keeps her mouth closed. She is tempted to say something to the effect of _I slept with him four times when you were ‘getting together’ with Raidou_.

“You don’t know all of it,” Kurenai says. Yuugao frowns.

“What don’t I know?” Yuugao asks. “What am I, and Asuma, ignorant of?” Genma looks at Kurenai. He can’t lie and say that this isn’t, in terms of raw entertainment, like watching the Olympics. But he really, really doesn’t want Yuugao to find out from anyone but Raidou. He won’t say anything, because that would make Yuugao suspicious, but Genma really hopes that Kurenai does the right thing and keeps her trap shut.

“The whole story,” Kurenai replies. Yuugao swallows.

“Asuma and I always knew something wasn’t right.” It’s true. Yuugao and Asuma weren’t blind. She can’t speak for Asuma, but Yuugao chose to look past the obvious because she felt, in her heart, that Raidou is the person she wanted to be with. She still feels that way. Yuugao is a very all or nothing person. 

“Nothing happened.” As far as Kurenai is concerned, the outcome says it all; she and Raidou are a big pile of nothing.

“Then why do you treat him the way you do?” Yuugao asks. “If it is all nothing, why do you insist on hurting him?!”

“Why are you yelling at me?” Kurenai asks.

“Why the fuck did you tell him that he must be _happy_ that Asuma is _dead_?” Yuugao hisses, and Kakashi decides to get up and walk over to her.

“Ask him.” Kurenai says. Yuugao’s jaw clenches, and she pulls her arm away when Kakashi reaches for her.

“What does that mean?” Yuugao asks. Genma pops a cookie into his mouth and lets it dissolve into mush.

“It means that you should leave before either of you says anything you’ll regret,” Kakashi steps between the two of them, tucking the magazine into his pants pocket and raising his hands into the air. Kurenai and Yuugao stare at each other, and for a second, Genma and Kakashi think that it’s over.

“Raidou deserves better,” Yuugao snaps, walking towards the door. She slips her sandals back on, and like that, she is gone. Kakashi follows her, putting his shoes on and heading out the door.

Genma stares at Kurenai for a long minute. She puts a hand over her swollen stomach and bites her lower lip.

“Do you think the baby heard that?” he asks. Her mouth twitches.

“Yes.” She replies, walking back to the sink.

“Did you really say those things to Raidou?” Genma asks. Kurenai looks ashamed. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” She walks over to the kitchen table and pulls a chair out. She sits down, frowning.

“I’m glad Yuugao yelled at you. It’s the least you deserve.” Genma chomps on a cookie. “I would like to think of it as divine retribution.”

“Who yells at a pregnant lady?” Kurenai takes a bag of cookies off of the table and rips them open.

“An infertile one.” Genma drawls. Kurenai looks down into the bag of cookies, frowning.

“It’s no one’s fault,” she says. “No one wanted this to happen.” Genma nods.

“Yeah.” They sit in silence for a moment.

“Three years ago, I didn’t think this is how things would play out.” Kurenai takes a cookie out of the bag and puts it in her mouth. “Asuma went and got killed, Raidou didn’t make it in time to stop it, and Yuugao has taken Raidou away.” She swallows the cookie. “I’m alone.” Genma sighs.

“Could be worse,” he smiles when she looks at him, “I could be dead.”

“ _That_ I would never survive.” She drawls, and Genma smiles at her.

“It’s true. Someone needs to be that little alien’s sensible uncle.” He throws a cookie in the air and catches it with his mouth. Kurenai smiles.

“Raidou is the sensible one.”

“ _Au contraire_ , he has never made a sensible decision when it comes to you.” Genma replies. Kurenai touches her stomach and looks off into the distance.

“He would have been a good dad,” she says in a sad voice. Genma frowns.

“They both would’ve been good dads,” Genma replies, setting the cookies on the table. Kurenai tears up a little bit.

“I’m pregnant and Asuma is dead. Raidou and Yuugao are both alive but can’t have a baby.” Kurenai knows that justice isn’t possible in this world, but that doesn’t mean she has to accept it.

“Raidou will love your kid. You’re his family.” Genma says gently. Kurenai nods.

“I know.”

“And Asuma wouldn’t have gone and died if Raidou wasn’t going to be around for at least a few more decades to keep an eye on you two.” Kurenai smiles.

“You’ve gotten really good at this, Genma.”

“I’ve softened in my old age,” he smirks. “I still think it’s wild that Asuma put Shikamaru in charge of your care, like you aren’t a fucking jounin.” Kurenai laughs out loud, because she agrees.

“He probably did it more for Shikamaru than for me,” she sighs, “that kid needs a project. He’s like Raidou; dutybound.” Genma laughs.

“He got a backup Raidou.” He grins, “if I didn’t know better, I would say that he planned this out.” Kurenai giggles, covering her mouth with her hand.

“They’re both Virgos too.”

“We should steal Anko’s book and get all the dirt.” Kurenai and Genma dissolve into a fit of giggles, the kind that make your face red and ribs hurt.

It’s too late for things to change. It hurts less than it did a few months ago, and sometimes, all you can do is laugh.

“I need to find Raidou,” she sighs, “I need to apologize to him.” She pauses. “I don’t deserve him,” she sighs.

“You absolutely do not,” Genma says, “but Asuma and your kid do.” Kurenai smiles. Genma smiles back, before putting another cookie in his mouth, as Kurenai gets up to clean the dishes.

**

Raidou digs his fingernails into the edge of the headlight. They are burnt out. He has needed to replace them for a while, but thanks to his fight with Kurenai, he is looking for any and all home improvement projects to take his mind off of it. So far, he has cleaned the vacuum cleaner, steam cleaned the carpet and all the upholstered furniture and built Yuugao another bookshelf.

But this particular project is proving to be a rigmarole. The problem is, is that he is pretty sure that his brother was the last person to change the bulb, and that was well over a decade ago. He curses under his breath, clawing at the headlight.

Aoba sits on a foldout chair beside the car, drinking a beer and watching Raidou struggle. He is pretty entertained, actually, but he figures he should ask him what’s wrong.

“This car is a piece of shit,” Raidou huffs.

“Always has been.” Aoba sips his beer. “Didn’t it give your brother problems?”

“All the damn time,” Raidou hooks his nails into the gap between the headlights and the car’s body. He feels it give a little, and he increases the pressure.

“Want to tell me why you’re fixing this now?” Aoba says. Everyone knows that Raidou does busy work when he is stressed.

“I am troubled,” Raidou finally yanks the headlight out. He stumbles back a bit, but he doesn’t fall.

“Well, why don’t you deal with whatever is troubling you instead of the car?” Aoba asks. Raidou glares over his shoulder.

“Who says it’s my personal life?”

“Because you never try to fix the shit wagon unless something is going down.” Aoba shrugs. “Tell me, don’t. You just need to deal with it constructively.”

“This is constructive.” Raidou grunts. He changes the bulb quickly and pops the headlight back in.

“Okay,” Aoba says, sipping his beer while Raidou precedes to struggle with the next headlight. It takes him eight minutes to pop that light out. As he finishes, Raidou gets a summons. He has mission tomorrow.

“You know, since the overall theme of our lives this year is about not wasting time, you should probably fix the actual problem.” Aoba shrugs, “but what do I know?”

“My question precisely,” Raidou hisses, popping the headlight back in. Aoba sips his beer and withholds his judgement.

**

Maybe her support group isn’t cutting it anymore. Yuugao hasn’t told anyone about her infertility, other than the fourteen other women who meet in the basement of a civilian school once a week. She’s the only shinobi in the group. They are all older than her, but there is one other woman under the age of thirty-five who is definitely too young to find out that she will never have children. Raidou tries to talk about it, but Yuugao doesn’t want to turn to him. It feels at once too personal and embarrassing, even though they have lived together for two years.

Yuugao knows Kakashi is following her, but like the tears forming in her eyes, she doesn’t want to acknowledge him. But her eyes start stinging, forcing her to stop. She puts both her hands to her face, and she feels Kakashi approach her.

“Do you know what Kurenai wouldn’t tell me?” Yuugao asks. If it turns out Raidou betrayed her, after all this time, she doesn’t know what she would do.

“No,” Kakashi says. She doesn’t believe him, because she knows he is too smart to get involved in something as petty and convoluted as this…mess. Yuugao turns around to look at him, crossing her arms.

“Are you lying to me?” she asks. Kakashi shakes his head.

“I wouldn’t let you fuck up your life.” He says, tucking his hands into his pockets. This, she believes.

“She should be kinder to Raidou,” Yuugao says, “he tries his best.”

“You too,” Kakashi sighs. Yuugao bites her lip. It was Yuugao, after all, who peeled Kurenai off of the bathroom floor for a week. Kakashi thinks it takes a special level of humility, to be able to care for the woman your boyfriend loves as much as you.

“Why do you think she said that to him?” Yuugao asks, “after everything Raidou has done. When he told me about Asuma, he was so sad. He cried, because he feels so bad that he didn’t get there in time, and I know a part of him wishes it had been him instead.” Yuugao looks at the ground, covering her eyes with her hands. “Everything is so fucked up.” Her body shakes, and Kakashi watches her begin to cry.

As long as he’s known her, Yuugao has never been messy. She’s never puked in bar bathrooms or embarrassed herself at parties. He wonders if, just maybe, being a messy person gives one a certain kind of resilience. Like, if bad things happen, they suck, but they aren’t insurmountable.

He also had no idea that Asuma’s death was hurting her like this. It’s been a shitty few months for all of them, but he never would have expected Yuugao to be collateral damage. Maybe it shouldn’t be such a surprise.

“You know, the most fucked up thing is that I keep forgetting that someone’s dad is dead,” Yuugao hiccups, “Asuma won’t get to know his kid, Raidou is never going to have a kid. It’s like neither of them get to have a happy ending.”

“Raidou’s alive,” Kakashi says, without thinking. His eyes widen, and Yuugao’s face properly breaks apart. Suddenly, her feelings make sense.

Without hesitation, Kakashi reaches for her, and Yuugao clings to him, sobbing in the middle of the street.

“I can’t have children,” she says. “The doctor told me, the day Asuma died.” It’s one of those horrible cases where everything terrible happened at once. Not even Raidou knows the exact day she found out that she wouldn’t be able to give him a family.

“I’m sorry.” He sighs. Yuugao’s sobs are silent.

“It’s like I’m being left behind,” she pulls back, her face red and puffy. “It feels like Kurenai is taking Raidou away. He loves her so much, and it didn’t bother me before but…”

“But Asuma is gone.” Kakashi feels something inside him break for Yuugao.

“Yeah. He’s gone.” There is no one else between Kurenai and Raidou. Yuugao breathes in and finds herself calming down. She still looks sad, but her face is back together.

“Have you talked to Raidou about your feelings?” Yuugao frowns.

“I don’t know how,” she admits, “I’m afraid I’ll sound selfish.”

“It’s not selfish to ask your partner to be emotionally engaged.” Kakashi replies. Yuugao frowns.

“I can’t have kids. He can, but I can’t,” she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m only twenty-five, and it’s over.” She sighs. “He doesn’t get it.”

“And I do?” Kakashi asks. Yuugao smiles sadly.

“You don’t feel obligated to empathize,” she replies, “it’s easy to talk to you because you don’t worry about being a good boyfriend.” Yuugao looks down at the ground. “I just want Raidou to tell me he is upset too. It’s like, he is so busy with Kurenai and the baby and feeling bad about Asuma and guilty about my infertility and not being able to really and truly get it, that he never actually says how he feels about it. I just want him to admit that he’s angry or he thinks it’s unfair, but _no_ , he just acts like this is fine, like it’s fair that Kurenai is pregnant and I’m not.” Yuugao looks around, hoping no one heard her.

“You don’t want him to think you’re selfish,” Kakashi says. Yuugao nods. She can’t imagine any conversation questioning Kurenai’s right to be happy would go over well.

“I just want him to be a little bit mad for me. I want him to admit that it hurts, and not be brave all the time.” Yuugao bites her lip. “I want him to feel as ugly as I do.” Yuugao knows that there is no unitary definition of womanhood, and that anyone who identifies as a woman is a woman. Something that complex can’t be reduced down to the ability to become pregnant.

But in her particular case, Yuugao feels like less of a woman. Where there was once empty space, a pure field of potential, is now a ball of lead. It’s funny; infertility makes her feel heavy, even though she has lost weight from the stress of grieving the loss of children that never existed. She would never wish anything bad for Kurenai or her baby, but it does make her feel upset that she can’t give Raidou a legacy like Kurenai can for Asuma. There will never be a little Raidou running around. No one to teach kenjutsu to, or to look like his older brother. Nothing but the present arrangement of just them two, forever.

Kakashi can’t pretend to know how she feels. Yuugao is in an impossible position; Raidou is a good guy, but he goes to those who obviously need him. Kurenai needs him right now, in a way that Raidou can understand. To him, Kakashi imagines, infertility is a kind of non-problem, or at least, not a critical problem.

“You need to tell him how you’re feeling,” Kakashi says. “He won’t get that you’ve lost something unless you tell him.”

“You’re such a man,” Yuugao snorts, “you think women should have to tell you how they feel, when it is pretty fucking obvious if you are paying attention.” She sighs, “I just…I have no words, and I go to this support group where all these women talk and talk and I just…I want to come home and tell my partner that I don’t know how to accept it. I can’t tell him to stop bringing Kurenai around, because it’s not her fault, but I just don’t want to look at her right now. She’s everywhere.” Yuugao wipes her face with her hands, and Kakashi nods, stepping away. “Maybe I’ll die from resentment.” Kakashi shrugs.

“Maybe.”

An awkward pause hangs between them. “Do you want to go get ice cream?” Kakashi asks.

“Ice cream?” Yuugao repeats. Kakashi nods.

“We can scam Yamato into paying for it.” Yuugao laughs, and Kakashi smiles under his mask. “My treat.”

Yamato takes one look at Yuugao’s red eyes and agrees to buy her whatever she wants.

**

Raidou lies next to Yuugao. He is rubbing his eyes, trying to find it in him to sleep. The mission tomorrow will be small, really. He will be gone for a few days, at most. He turns to look at Yuugao, who isn’t asleep either. He can tell by the way she breathes.

“Yuugao,” he says in a soft voice. She turns to look at him, her eyes big and bright in the moonlight. For a moment, he is struck. _We should look at the moon more often._ He rolls onto his side, while she looks at him. “I’m going on a mission tomorrow. I’ll be gone for a few days.” Yuugao frowns.

“I don’t want you to go,” she says softly. Yuugao has never been needy, not like this. Raidou’s face twitches.

“How are you?” he asks. “How are you feeling?” Yuugao thinks about telling him the truth: that she always feels terrible. That acceptance is hard when you are used to being able to fix your problems. That sometimes, she puts her hand over her stomach and talks, in her mind, to the little baby who will never be conceived. She’ll say things like _I love you_ or _I wish I could meet you_ or _your daddy and I really love you_ and it’s stupid, because that little being will never exist. At least Daydream Hayate and Raidou are based on actual people.

“I’m okay.” She sighs. “You?” Raidou looks at the side of her face. Every so often, he looks at her and forgets that they can’t have kids, and he feels this rush of excitement like, _wow, she chose me to put a baby in her_. Then, he remembers that she can’t pregnant, and that there is nothing he can do to change that.

“Do you ever think about our kids?” he asks. Yuugao’s lower belly clenches.

“All the time,” she says softly. “You?”

“Not all the time,” he says, “but frequently.” He avoids parks, schools and playgrounds.

Yuugao frowns. She wants him to live with the loss all the time, like she does. She rolls onto her side, her back to him. Raidou supposes that he could be hurt but knows it’s not personal. She lost Hayate and now she has lost the ability to bear children. Yuugao is already twenty-five, but she has suffered more than most people do in entire lifetimes. Raidou stares at her back until he falls sleep. When he starts to snore, she rolls over and tucks her head under his chin.

When she wakes up, she is alone. He left a picture of a smiling stick figure, and the coordinates of his mission on the bedside table. She smiles and tucks it into her book.

**

Kurenai feels really, really bad. She hasn’t seen Raidou in a few days. He has, understandably, avoided her. Genma grumbles about how she needs to either apologize or learn to sleep on her own, because she kicks out in her sleep. He’s currently in the living room, watching the dumb soap opera they watch together to unwind, while Kurenai lies on her bed, staring at the phone. Her fingers itch.

She just wants to hear Raidou breathe. In an ideal world, she could just go up to him, take his face into her hands and tell him how sorry she is, over and over and over. But they live in the real world which, sadly, does not cater to Kurenai’s whims. She leans over and picks up the phone, dialling the number by heart.

She waits as it rings, and cringes when she hears Yuugao’s voice. “Hello?”

“Hi,” Kurenai winces. She and Yuugao haven’t spoken since she came over the other day. She can practically hear Yuugao’s face pucker.

“Kurenai,” her voice is cold, which, again, _fair_.

“Is Raidou there?” she asks.

“No. He went on a mission.” No one is around, so Yuugao doesn’t feign politeness.

“Oh.” Kurenai pauses. “Can I tell you something?” she stares up at the ceiling of her dark room. Yuugao sighs.

“Sure.”

“I want to apologize for…everything.” Kurenai doesn’t like how the words taste in her mouth, but they need to be said. “You and Raidou have been really supportive and kind to me, even though, I don’t really deserve it.” She pauses. “He told that me that you two are going through something too.” It would be cruel for a pregnant lady to tell Yuugao she can’t have children. So Kurenai merely gestures towards it.

Yuugao’s mouth twists, and something in her clenches. “Excuse me?”

“Raidou told me.” Kurenai says softly. Yuugao doesn’t know why, but she feels violated that Kurenai knows something like that about her and Raidou. _You knew, and you still said all those nasty things to us_. Yuugao doesn’t want to be angry, but Kurenai makes it impossible sometimes.

“Oh.” Yuugao says. She looks over at Raidou’s empty spot in the bed. She puts her hand over it, wishing he were here to take this phone call.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kurenai asks. Yuugao clenches her hand into a fist, holding the comforter in her hand. It is Raidou’s crimson one, the one he brought from the barracks.

“No,” she says in a soft voice, “I have a group I talk to, and Raidou.” She tries to keep her voice from sounding triumphant when she says she _has_ Raidou. Kurenai nods on her end.

“Well, if you ever need to talk to anyone, call me.” _I literally have nothing better to do._ And she needs to start proving that she is worthy of Raidou’s friendship. Part of that is being nice to Yuugao.

“You mean that?” Yuugao asks, sceptical. Kurenai nods.

“I can’t change anything, but Raidou is important to me, and that means you are too.” Kurenai could have finessed it, but she isn’t trying to get Yuugao to love her or anything. She just wants Yuugao to not hate her.

Yuugao, of course, is immediately suspicious. She doesn’t think Kurenai is trying to take Raidou away, _per se_ , but she sure as shit takes up as much of his time as she can. Kurenai has never been outright mean to her, but things have been tense, since Asuma died. Before then, Kurenai mostly ignored Yuugao. Asuma was the one who paid attention to her. Out of all of Raidou’s friends, he was the most welcoming, standing with her at parties and rolling his eyes when Kurenai and Raidou got into it.

“Why are you doing this?” Yuugao asks, “we aren’t friends.” Asuma’s memory and Raidou’s love aren’t enough to make Yuugao mince words.

“Because I want to love Raidou better.” Kurenai says, “and I’m not the only person who lost something.” Yuugao clenches her jaw. _I want to love Raidou better_. Kurenai has a funny way of showing it.

“Oh,” she says. _Do you make any other noise?_ Kurenai thinks. It’s a little mean, but it’s her first thought.

“Well, call me when he gets him.” Kurenai pauses, “please.” Yuugao sighs. _At least she said please_.

“I will.”

“Thank you.” Kurenai hangs up first and sets the phone down on the bedside table. She leaves the bedroom and sits next to Genma on the couch, who explains that some poor woman just discovered that her new lover is actually her long lost brother. _Nothing funnier than accidental incest!_ Genma cackles, throwing another arrowroot cookie into his mouth. Kurenai grunts, and tries not to think about how much she misses Raidou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early update, because I have been procrastinating, hard. For all the Kurenai/Raidou shippers (dunno if this even counts as a ship, but 'supporters' seemed like an inappropriate word), I promise, this is the worst Kurenai is going to behave. 
> 
> I couldn't help myself, and stuck in a reference to Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill." Feel free to leave comment and let me know what you think! They clearly motivate me, lol.


	15. A Funnel Cloud that Touches the Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turning the corner.

“The doctor put her hands over my liver/ She said that my resentment is getting smaller”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Garden Song”

Kurenai lies on her back, watching Shizune take out the wand for the sonogram. She pulls her shirt up, over her belly. She lies back, looking up at the ceiling. Shizune is in one of her chipper moods, humming to herself as she rolls the machine up to the bed.

“Excited?” Shizune asks. Kurenai smiles.

“I always am.” She says softly. Actually, she always feels like puking before these things, but she doesn’t know how to tell Shizune that. Shizune smiles, squeezing the cool jelly onto Kurenai’s stomach.

“How have you been?” she asks Kurenai in a soft voice. Shizune and Anko haven’t been around much; the Akatsuki and the hunt for Kabuto take up all their time, and Kurenai isn’t on active duty anymore. Genma and Raidou prioritize Kurenai; that’s the only reason she sees them. Genma woke her up with his snoring this morning. Raidou…she hasn’t spoken to him in a while. Kurenai’s guts clench.

“I’ve been okay. You?” she asks. Shizune hums.

“I’m alive, I suppose.” She says. “Do you still have trouble sleeping?”

“No,” Kurenai replies, “I found a solution.”

“Oh,” Shizune smiles, “do share.” Kurenai smirks.

“Genma sleeps next to me,” she says, “his snoring is comforting.” Shizune giggles.

“I hate it when men snore,” she says, “it’s why I never sleep over after sex.” Kurenai smiles, watching her baby on the monitor. She doesn’t mind using her appointments as time to catch up with Shizune, but Kurenai always spends a little time smiling at Mirai.

“Oh, it’s not so bad,” Kurenai says.

“That’s because you’ve always had a man,” Shizune says, “you’ve acclimated. It’s probably why you can’t sleep without someone snoring beside you.”

“Asuma didn’t really snore,” Kurenai says, “he wheezed a little. But Raidou is the one who snores the most.” Shizune raises an eyebrow. “So loud. He looks really cute when he does it too.” Completely relaxed, face baby soft, curled on his side.

“Raidou snores loudly, and Asuma wheezed.” She says, “you make it sound so charming.”

“It’s comforting,” Kurenai says, “it’s knowing you’re not alone.”

“Genma doesn’t look like he’d snore,” Shizune says. Kurenai shrugs.

“He’s not as cute as Raidou.” Kurenai smiles to herself. “He isn’t a big baby, unlike Raidou.” Kurenai finds all the soft bits of Raidou, the parts that he thinks are embarrassing, absolutely endearing. His snores make her want to hold him tight. She used to, when they were together. He’d sometimes wake up with her pressed to him and complain about being too hot, but he would follow her when she rolled away. She only ever rolled away to make a point about how much he likes her affection.

She misses Raidou, and she has spent the last few days thinking of him. Their relationship, what he means to her. Today, as she was struggling to pull her maternity pants up, she had an epiphany. It struck her that she spends an awful lot of time saying he is like family, that he is her star, that he is precious, but she hasn’t treated him that way in a very long time.

She takes him for granted, the way she did with her parents, Asuma. Except it’s worse, because not only is he her soulmate, but she willfully hurts him, while knowing that it is possible that he won’t come back to her. She has lived with unimaginable loss three times now, and Raidou’s would be, somehow, worse than all three combined. Yet, she treats him with contempt and cruelty when the mood strikes. Kurenai frowns at herself. _When did I become such a monster?_ Shizune looks at her softly.

“You always liked him the best,” she says quietly. Kurenai touches her stomach, thinking about how awful it would be to live in a world without Raidou. Her baby will never know her grandparents or her father, and Kurenai will be damned if she will never know Raidou.

“There’s so much to like,” Kurenai says softly. “He’s adorable.” It’s one word, but the way Kurenai says it makes its meaning fuller. In uttering one _adorable_ , Kurenai has accomplished something most people cannot; she sincerely conveys the absolute depth of her love in one little word. Shizune smiles.

“He is an assassin. With a big nasty scar,” Shizune replies. Kurenai hums.

“You haven’t slept next to him,” she says. “He is very soft, when he is about to go to sleep.”

“I hope you haven’t told Genma that you like Raidou more,” Shizune says.

“He already knows,” Kurenai hums.

They all know how much Kurenai loves Raidou. Except, of course, Raidou. Kurenai resolves to be better. _I want to love you better_ , she thinks, wondering if, perhaps, Raidou could feel it _. I want to apologize and tell you I love you and how much you mean to me_. She doesn’t think there are enough _I love yous_ in the universe to make up for accusing Raidou of being happy that Asuma is dead. But she wants to try and gather them all up in her arms and place them all at Raidou’s feet.

_I love you Raidou. Wherever you are, please know, in your heart, that I love you._

**

Raidou enjoys leaping through the trees. It’s one of the few childish things about him. As he flies past everything, he gets to pretend that all his problems are simple. Asuma isn’t dead. Kurenai didn’t say the things she did. Yuugao isn’t infertile. He doesn’t feel guilty for being alive. He moves faster, trying to outrun reality.

What Kurenai said wounded him. But it hasn’t been on his mind these past few days. She said a shitty thing because she was angry. It’s done and dead. He wants an apology, but he has more or less filed it under ‘Experiences I Never Wanted, But Have, _Nonetheless_ , Integrated.’ Raidou supposes he ought to be angrier, less forgiving. Genma would tell him that he needs to work on his self-esteem. Aoba would sigh and offer him a beer. The thing is that Raidou simply doesn’t see the _point_ in staying angry. It takes up too much emotional energy, considering all the other shit that’s happening to him.

He thinks a lot about Yuugao’s infertility. It has strained their relationship. They don’t ever really talk about it, not with the vulnerability and tenderness with which they’ve navigated most of their problems as a couple. They aren’t having as much sex as they used to, thanks to work and Kurenai. Raidou desperately wants to reconnect with Yuugao physically, but it’s hard to know how when they have spent the better part of a year joking about making a baby. _What’s our dirty talk going to look like?_ It’s a petty problem, but it shows the state of their relationship.

Her infertility has opened all of their old wounds. The spectre of Hayate. The shadow of Kurenai. He wants Yuugao, and his commitment hasn’t been shaken. He doesn’t think hers has either. It’s just hard to talk about the things that having children meant to both of them. It wasn’t just about making babies. It was about decisively moving past Hayate and Kurenai. About making something just between the two of them, sharing something, exclusively, with each other. He frowns to himself.

Not for the first time, he wishes he were the problem. If he were sterile, well, at least he would be the obstacle between them and they life they had planned to have. Not Yuugao, who desperately wants kids and a family. She smiles at babies in public; she even waves. She deserves to have a baby.

For his part, it doesn’t help that he spends time with Kurenai. Someone needs to watch over her. He sleeps next to her, something that he knows to be bad but, he swears, it’s not what it looks like. More often than not, he wakes up and feels like he is in the wrong timeline. Sleeping next to a pregnant Kurenai was something he never really imagined for himself, and when he did, the child was his. It’s like waking up in an alternate dimension before reality hits.

The worst, most shame inducing part of all of this, is that there are times where he really likes waking up next to Kurenai. She’ll be asleep on his arm, drooling into her pillow, or her leg between his two, or pressed up against him. He has woken up with her mouth open, breathing on his bare arm. Asuma’s death has made him miserable. _But_ , and this is a thought he will never share with anyone else, _ever_ , he does like sleeping next to Kurenai again. It’s not worth Asuma’s death or Yuugao’s infertility, but it does curb the bitterness.

As soon as he has this thought, he loses his footing, and trips, falling to the forest floor with a loud thud.

**

Kurenai is at home, watching a show about alien abductions, when she gets a phone call from Genma. She knows she is going to have a bad reaction when he prefaces his news with _don’t freak out_. Raidou is back in Konoha. In the hospital.

She hears the word hospital and she immediately hung up the phone. Kurenai moves as quickly as she can, slipping on her shoes and grabbing her purse. She is incredibly anxious. Panicky. She even locks her door as a bargain with God for Raidou’s safety. She smiles and walks fast, managing to dodge everyone she knows.

She is wearing a blue dress today, one that doesn’t make her look matronly and yet, is still appropriate. _I look too good for you to be dead or dying, Raidou_. She clutches her purse when she gets to the hospital. Kurenai asks for Raidou, and she is led down the hall to an exam room. It’s better than a suite or the morgue.

The nurse knocks on the door, and Kurenai’s heart leaps into her throat when she hears Raidou’s familiar grunt.

“You have a visitor.” The nurse says.

“Oh,” Raidou says, “they can come in.” The nurse turns to Kurenai and she walks past her, into the room. Sitting on an exam table, he wears a brace on his right arm, holding it with his left hand. They look at each other for a minute, Kurenai’s eyes watering and her hand over her mouth, while Raidou sits there, confused.

“Are you okay?” she asks quietly. He blinks.

“Uh, yeah.” He pauses, “I fell and sprained my wrist.” For such a dazzling fall, the results were anticlimactic. Kurenai swallows and walks over to him.

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs. She puts her hands on his thigh. Raidou’s mouth twitches. He isn’t actively mad at her, but he would like something a little better than a measly _I’m sorry_.

Kurenai looks right into his eyes, and he can tell, in his soul, that she was afraid that things would be much, much worse. “Raidou,” she says quietly, “I’m sorry and I love you.” Kurenai looks down at her hands. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” His face softens.

“You know, if anything had happened, we would have been cool.” He says. Kurenai makes a pained expression. “You said something shitty, but it doesn’t define two decades of—”

“Raidou,” she says, softly. It doesn’t stop his rambling.

“—friendship. It was deeply hurtful, and it made me feel terrible and you really have no excuse, _but_ , in the grand scheme of asshole things you’ve do—”

“Raidou,” she says, forcefully. He stops talking, and his mouth clamps shut when she looks into his eyes again. She has a fierce, searing look, that he has only ever seen in battle, and for a brief moment, he thinks she is about to really kill him. _Please, finish the job cleanly_.

She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, her mouth twitching, before she speaks. “Raidou,” she says, “I’m a monster.” She pauses. “I have hurt you in innumerable ways. It’s not just about saying that you’re happy Asuma is dead. It’s about a pattern of behavior, where I take all my anger out on you, and willfully hurt you, because I am experiencing a feeling that is difficult to manage. I…” she trails off, staring into his eyes. She can tell that he is listening to her because he is frowning. “I have caused so much chaos, and I really hurt you, and then I made you compromise yourself, and then… I chose someone else, and made you watch.” That’s not quite how it worked out, but Kurenai decided, on her way to the hospital, that she would be taking the blame for everything. She can’t go back and change things, but she can and will be different. She’s going to be someone’s mother, and, more importantly, she wants to continue to be a part of Raidou’s life.

Scratch that. Kurenai wants to earn the privilege of being a part of Raidou’s life, instead of feeling entitled to his time. “I say you’re like my family, but I don’t treat you how I should. You’re the being I love the most, other than then the baby inside me. I want to deserve you, and I want to treat you right, if you still want me.” They’ve made eye contact this whole time, like their optic nerves were touching.

Raidou nods once, twice. This is not the kind of apology he expected to ever receive. He thought that he would simply have to forget that she said it. Never, in a million years, did he think Kurenai would ever be capable of admitting she was wrong on that kind of scale. He has loved her for a very long time, and this is the first time in years where it doesn’t make him feel like an idiot.

It’s like he has rediscovered what he first saw in Kurenai. _Maybe I’m not a dumb after all_. Kurenai puts a hand on his cheek, rubbing a thumb over his cheekbone. “I’m sorry,” she mouths, tears in her eyes.

“You’re such a crybaby,” he says softly. He lifts his un-sprained arm and uses his thumb to wipe at her tears.

“Because one of us has to cry,” she says softly. “I am crying so you don’t have to.” They share a radical empathy with each other. Kurenai cries for him, so that he doesn’t have to do it himself and Raidou excuses her outbursts because he is intimately aware of where they come from.

“I’m an ugly crier,” he says. Kurenai grins.

Her hand falls away, but they still stand close. Her belly is against his thigh, and he can feel the baby kick out. “Thank you,” he says softly. “I don’t feel like such a dummy for loving you so much.” Kurenai smiles, and opens her mouth to speak, when a knock comes at the door.

“Come in,” Raidou calls. Kurenai turns to look over her shoulder, and her face falls when she sees Yuugao walk in, wearing her Anbu gear.

Yuugao frowns when she sees Kurenai standing so close to Raidou, but she feels something warm inside when she sees him light up to see her. “Hey,” he says. Yuugao loves how his eyes crinkle when he looks at her. Kurenai steps back as Yuugao steps forward, suddenly feeling very awkward. Like there is no room for her anymore.

“What happened?” Yuugao asks.

“I tripped,” Raidou shrugs, “it’s just a sprain.” She walks up to touch his arm, her fingers simply hovering over the brace.

“That’s so silly.” She smiles, “how did you fall?”

“I slipped while I was in the trees,” he says, “it could have been a lot worse. I don’t know what makes me feel dumber; slipping in the first place or getting such a lame injury.” Yuugao laughs.

“I’ll take the lame injury any day,” she says. He smiles up at her, before flicking his eyes over to Kurenai, who is slowly walking towards the door.

“You’re leaving?” he asks. Kurenai rubs her eyes with the heel of her hand, her tears not having properly stopped.

“Yeah,” she says, “Genma and I have a show about alien abductions we like to watch.”

“Oh,” Raidou says. “Maybe we can all watch it together some time.” He declares this with an innocence so endearing, that neither Yuugao nor Kurenai can deny him outright.

“Yes,” Kurenai says, “that sounds perfect.”

She leaves the exam room, and Raidou immediately brightens. Yuugao smiles. “Why are you so happy?”

“Kurenai gave me a very good apology.” He hums, “it really made my day better.” Yuugao tilts her head, happy for him but also, a little mad that Kurenai is back in his good books. “You know what would make my day even better?” he asks. Yuugao grins.

“What?”

“If you took the rest of the day off and let me snore on you while you watch a movie.” Yuugao smiles.

“That sounds like a perfect day,” she leans forward, kissing him. He basks in the glow of Kurenai’s apology and Yuugao’s affection. It makes him feel whole; loveable.

**

They meet in the basement of the school, once a week. Someone always brings shitty coffee, and two of the members always bring homemade treats. Yuugao knows, like the rest of them, that these are the kind of things they wanted to make for the children they will never bear. Some of them will adopt, or foster, pass on their legacies that way. They’ll make a family the way Raidou has suggested, or they’ll just be content with their partners.

There is a woman who runs the group. Her name is Rin. She is forty, and as she tells everyone at the beginning of the meeting, she started this support group when she was thirty-four and told that she would never bear a child. It changed her life; she found a purpose in her infertility; to support other women who are going through the same thing. She always reminds them that all their feelings are valid, that nothing they say will leave this room. Yuugao has been to ten of these meetings, and not once has she spoken.

They sit in a circle. Yuugao’s legs are crossed, and she thinks about seeing Kurenai. How her swollen belly makes her feel. That Raidou takes care of her. Yuugao chews her lower lip. When Rin opens the floor up to discussion, Yuugao puts up her hand. They all look at her. Her Anbu tattoo is covered, but they know who she is. What she is.

“I’d like to speak.” Rin smiles and nods her head. All the women look at her, and Yuugao swallows. “Um, I found out that I am infertile a while ago. I’m sorry that it has taken so long for me to speak…”

“Don’t apologize.” Rin smiles, “grief is different for everyone.” Yuugao looks at the floor. _You would have been a good mom_.

“You know that shinobi who died a while back?” Yuugao asks. They all nod. Asuma’s death had been big news. He was a well-loved figure. “Him, his partner and my partner were all on the same team when they were younger. This sounds bad, but his partner and mine used to be involved, years ago. She’s pregnant. Like, several months along. Not super fat but fat.” Yuugao looks down at her hands. They are steady, from years of Anbu. “She told my partner that he must be happy that the shinobi is dead. That he was waiting, all this time, for an opportunity.” Yuugao looks at her hands, which are still steady. “It’s not true. Raidou loves me, he’s been committed. Always coming home when he says he will, meeting my parents, remembering the little things. The sex is great. Like, explosive. He makes me feel whole, and I do the same thing for him.” Yuugao looks up at the ceiling and breathes in. “I found out that I can’t have kids the day her partner died. Raidou didn’t come home that night, so he didn’t know. He went straight to her, because, for lack of a better word, she is his soulmate. Her partner and I knew, but she and Raidou made their choices, and here we are. It’s just, when he came home and told me what she said to him, that he must be happy that her partner is dead, Raidou was heartbroken.” Yuugao blinks. The stinging in her eyes registers, but she doesn’t stop. “He wasn’t like that when I told him that I will never have children. He just blinked, and held me, and told me it would be okay, that we could still be a family, but he wasn’t broken. I feel like a terrible person, because I want him to be as broken as I am.” Yuugao lets out a gasp, and folds down, sticking her face between her knees. She sobs, and all the women sit there, watching her submit herself to this process of confession.

It takes a minute, but she calms down, manages to sit up. She wipes the snot off of her face with the back of her wrist. She looks around at all the women looking at her. Some look with pity, others with understanding. If a tree falls in a forest, but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If there is no baby, is there anything that is lost? Raidou just sees an opportunity, or at least, he keeps talking about all the new opportunities available to them, but he doesn’t admit that they lost anything.

“Well,” Rin sighs, “how do you feel? Has anyone asked you that?” Yuugao blinks. No one has. Raidou assumed she was upset, and Kakashi said he was sorry. But no one has asked her to name her feelings.

“I feel awful.” Yuugao says. “My first love, Hayate, he died in the line of duty years ago. I found him, too. He was eviscerated, all cut apart. This is _worse_ than finding him. Much worse. It’s like my future is gone. I don’t even know how to tell my own mother.” Her face scrunches. “I just want a baby.” She folds over again.

At the end of the meeting, Rin offers her a hug. Embarrassed, Yuugao declines.

**

_Asuma and Raidou are walking home from the bar. In three blocks, they will reach the point where their paths diverge. Aoba’s girlfriend dumped him, so while they aren’t stupid wasted, Raidou and Asuma are both swaddled in the sweet lull that accompanies four beers. Not drunk, just floaty. Asuma isn’t smoking, for once. He just has his hands tucked into his pockets. Raidou is looking up at the night sky, smiling, when Asuma begins to speak._

_“I think I want to marry her.” He says. Raidou looks at him._

_“Kurenai?” he asks. It doesn’t make his throat lock up to think of her and Asuma being together, not anymore. No anger, or resentment. Just acceptance._

_“Who else?” Asuma asks. Raidou shrugs._

_“I don’t know your life.” He says. “Marriage. Where’s the fun in that?” Asuma grins._

_“Aren’t you trying for a kid?” Asuma asks._

_“You don’t need a state to make one of those,” Raidou says. Asuma rolls his eyes._

_“Who would have thought that you would be so anti-state?” he asks. Raidou shrugs._

_“I’m not anti-state. Yuugao and I don’t need a piece of paper to prove our commitment. We live together, it’s not like it’ll be a huge surprise or anything,” Raidou sighs, “a lease is nerve wracking enough.”_

_“And having a kid isn’t scary?” Asuma asks, pulling out his cigarettes and a lighter. Raidou smiles._

_“Because it feels right, I guess.” Raidou says._

_“That, right there, is the ‘fun’ in marriage,” Asuma sticks a cigarette in his mouth and lights it as he walks._

_“Marriage is all about death, babies are about life,” Raidou says, “I see enough death every day.” Asuma doesn’t respond, letting this one go. He doesn’t think Raidou’s right, but he doesn’t see the point in challenging him._

**

Yuugao decides to stop by a convenience store on the way home. She feels a little nauseous and thinks a ginger ale will help. _I just want a baby_. Yuugao still can’t believe that she cried like that in a room full of people. She feels a deep sense of shame. People lose more every day.

She picks up a can of soda and turns around to see Kakashi staring at her. He doesn’t blink, but he does look thoughtful. They saw each other earlier, but everything becomes more charged after the sun sets. Or, that’s what Yuugao tells herself.

“You okay?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“No,” she replies, “I went to a support meeting and cried in a room full of other barren women.” Kakashi snorts.

“You’re not a piece of land. You’re not barren.” He says, eyeing the ginger ale in her hand.

“My womb is inhospitable to life. Is that better?” she asks. She squeezes the can. Kakashi decides to ignore her comment and puts his pointer finger on the can.

“You drink that stuff?” he asks. Yuugao shrugs her shoulders.

“I feel like I’m going to puke.” She drawls. Kakashi shrugs.

“That stuff will send you to an early grave.” He says.

“Do you not drink soda?” Yuugao is certain that she has seen him drink it multiple times. Kakashi shrugs.

“I care about you,” he says. She nods.

“Oh-kay.” She starts walking to the cashier, but Kakashi steps in front of her. She looks up at him, her head tilted.

“Want to go on a walk?” he asks. Yuugao used to be on his team. The truth is, he has been thinking a lot about Sasuke recently, and how he should have intervened sooner. That this all could have been prevented if he took a more active role in his team member’s lives, instead of letting them figure it out for themselves.

Yuugao studies him for a moment, before nodding. “A few of the women bring the treats they’d make for their kids, if, you know, they could have kids.”

“That’s depressing,” he replies. Yuugao smiles.

“Yeah, but I have a few cookies if you want some.” She pauses, “for our walk.”

“Snacks for the road?”

“Something like that.” She smiles up at him, and he steps out of her way.

They do several laps around the perimeter of the village, until Yuugao realizes the time and Kakashi walks her home.

**

_Yuugao sits on a bench, eating a sandwich. It’s her day off, and she is outside, enjoying the weather. She is wearing a bright blue minidress, the form-sitting kind, wearing a pair of sneakers. She is taking a personal day; only spending time with herself. Raidou is out on a mission. She woke up this morning, missing him. Even after rubbing one, and then two, and then three out._

_Asuma is in one of his rare introspective moods. He gave up being an angsty young man when he came back to the village and realized that people have real problems. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t occasionally give in to the impulse to ruminate over petty non-problems. He rubs the bridge of his nose, the bump from where Raidou broke it. He won’t admit it, but Asuma really deserved that punch in the face. He was a fucking moron. When Asuma spots Yuugao, he notes that she actually looks her age; twenty-three._

_She is looking off into the distance, her right leg crossed over her left, her Anbu tattoo exposed. Asuma strolls up to her, sitting down on the bench without asking. He does his charming, disarming smile, and Yuugao offers a soft one in return. They don’t know each other very well, but they like each other well enough. More often than not, Asuma comes to talk to her at parties, when Kurenai and Genma have dragged Raidou away from her. Sometimes Kakashi joins them, but usually, it’s just the two of them, standing back and watching._

_“You can have the other half of my sandwich if you want.” Yuugao says, holding it up._

_“I’m not hungry,” Asuma says, “I just thought you might want company.”_

_“Your company is not unwelcome,” she replies. Asuma snorts._

_“You and Kurenai do the same thing,” he says, “where you say things that you don’t really mean, just to tease poor fuckfaces like me and Raidou.”_

_“I never tease Raidou,” Yuugao replies. She actually takes him very seriously._

_“But you tease me?” Asuma smirks. Yuugao smiles._

_“If that’s what you want to believe,” she says, popping the last bit of sandwich into her mouth. Asuma shrugs, looking off into the distance. Yuugao picks up her juice box and looks at him, waiting for him to speak. Asuma looks back over at her, grinning when he spots the juice box._

_“I am never going to stop making fun of Raidou for dating someone ten years younger than him, who drinks out of a juice box,” he says, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter._

_“Don’t make fun of him,” she says, “he is self-conscious enough.” Asuma sticks a cigarette into the corner of his mouth._

_“Good,” he drawls. Yuugao frowns._

_“He’s a good guy, you know?” she says, “I’m lucky to be with him.” He lights his cigarette, before replying._

_“I think you’re the only woman who would say that she feels lucky to be with him.” Asuma sighs. Yuugao shrugs._

_“Less competition for me,” she says, setting down her juice box to wrap up the remainder of her sandwich. Asuma makes a face at the word competition, and Yuugao frowns. She never felt like she had to compete with Kurenai for Raidou’s affection; he has always been clear about the fact that he wants Yuugao. She guesses that Asuma doesn’t have that same privilege, having watched Kurenai and Raidou for years. It’s not her place to tell him that he could do better, but it’s what she thinks. He deserves to be adored from jump._

_Asuma rubs his eyes, thinking. He isn’t friends with Yuugao, but he saw her sitting there, and he thought that he might as well sit down. His introspective moods are always depressing. He doesn’t want to be alone, but he doesn’t want to be around Kurenai, Kakashi or Guy._

_Yuugao watches him for a moment, before speaking. “You seem a little sad.” Glum is a better word, but that’s the kind of word her mother uses, and she does not want to sound like her mother. Asuma looks over at her, and sighs._

_“I’m exhausted.” He says, taking his cigarette in his hand. Yuugao smiles._

_“I never forgave my mother for bringing me into this world,” she says. Asuma laughs at that one, and his face lights up. Yuugao sees what Kurenai likes about Asuma; he has a lightness about him. He is very easy to spend time with._

_“I see why Raidou likes you,” he says._

_“I’m an old soul.” She says. “So, what’s really wrong?” Asuma sighs._

_“I don’t know. I’m just thinking about things.” He says. “Do you ever wonder about Kurenai and Raidou?” Asuma hasn’t said anything for the better part of a year, but he can’t help but feel like he’s missing something. Kurenai swears nothing happened, and he knows he ought to trust her, and yet…he just wonders sometimes. He’s not thinking this for any particular reason. He just likes brooding over it, sometimes._

_Yuugao blinks. “Well, no.” She does, sometimes, but she tries not to. Raidou never makes her feel like she has to compete with Kurenai, and he makes Yuugao feel wanted. But Kurenai is his Hayate. She would be a liar if she claimed not to have suspected something. But Asuma needs her to be a liar, so it’s what she will do._

_“Never?” he asks. Yuugao’s face softens._

_“Love never dies, you know.” She replies._

_“Do I ever,” he frowns. “They are always going to be a little bit in love with each other.”_

_“Yeah,” she says, “but that doesn’t mean they only love each other.” Asuma doesn’t say anything, because Yuugao is young and Raidou and Kurenai are different people. It is evident, and it always has been, that Raidou adores Yuugao. His eyes crinkle when he sees her, and Raidou has become a lighter, happier person. Like Yuugao gave him peace._

_Kurenai is different, in the sense that she doesn’t give affection easily. She walks with him, holds his hand, but she doesn’t hang off of him, or make her feelings obvious. It was different with Raidou. She was always hanging off of him, following him around. Asuma loves her, and he believes that she loves him to. It just bothers him that her love looks so different now._

_“Asuma,” Yuugao says, “I am sure Kurenai wouldn’t want you to doubt her.”_

_“I don’t doubt her,” Asuma says, “I just want to be the only one.” Yuugao puts a hand on his arm._

_“There is never only one, Asuma,” she says softly. Hayate will always have a piece of her that Raidou will never touch. In some ways, his relationship with Kurenai makes it easier for him to accept Yuugao as she is. That he won’t be the man to know everything about her, that the privilege will always belong to someone else. There are parts of Raidou that Kurenai will only know, and Yuugao accepts it. She may not like it, but she understands._

_Asuma gives her a sad look. “There is only one for me,” he says softly, cutting to the heart of the problem a lot faster than he expected. Yuugao compels emotional honesty. She says nothing, but she takes his hand in hers, and squeezes._

_“We always get more than one,” she says quietly. He bites back the ‘do we?’_

_But it is a fair question. Do we really get more than one?_

**

The apartment is dark when she gets inside. She slips her shoes off and puts her purse on the couch, before walking into the bathroom and doing her nighttime routine. When she finishes brushing her teeth, she walks to the bedroom, opening the door quietly. It’s dark and Raidou can sleep through anything. She hears him rustle, but he does that in his sleep.

She takes her clothes off and throws her sleepshirt over her head. She walks over the bed and slips in beside him. Yuugao lies on her back. She smiles when Raidou rolls over, his arms open.

“You’re back,” he sighs, wrapping his arms around her. She smiles at him. Yuugao cried in front of her support group tonight, but in hindsight, it feels good to admit that she isn’t okay. She and Kakashi had a nice walk. It’s like the worst of her bad feelings have left her body.

“You’re so needy,” she replies, as he tucks his face into her neck.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” he says, “how was your group?” Raidou lifts his head up to look at her face. She touches the tip of his nose with her finger.

“Good,” she sighs. “I went on a walk after.” She doesn’t mention Kakashi. She knows Raidou wouldn’t care, but for now, it’s her secret.

“Do you feel a little better?” he asks, putting his hand on her cheek. He knows it hasn’t been easy for her. Kurenai eats up his attention, and work has been one thing after another. He’s been thinking they should take some time off. Go up to the lake.

“Yes,” she replies. Raidou smiles in the dark, exposing his teeth.

“That makes me happy,” he says. He lies back down beside her, arms still around her. He nods off, and she tucks her face into his neck when he starts to snore.

**

_The attraction didn’t stop. Their priorities changed. There are bumps. Kurenai and Raidou simply learned how to ride them out. Raidou is driving over to the next town, just for a change of pace. Kurenai in the passenger seat, sitting with her feet on the seat, knees pointed up to the ceiling._

_She is sucking on a cherry popsicle, looking out the window of the car. Raidou keeps his eyes on the road, right hand on top of the wheel._

_“I never gave you road head,” Kurenai says, like it had slipped her mind to buy toilet paper._

_“I don’t think I missed out,” Raidou chews the lining of his cheek. He very consciously doesn’t look at Kurenai. He hears her suck on her popsicle, but he doesn’t want to look at her. He still thinks about her sometimes, when it’s him and his hand, and it is a source of great shame._

_What he doesn’t know, and perhaps, won’t ever know, is that it’s the same for her. Asuma is out on a mission this week, and this morning, it was Raidou on her mind when she slipped a hand between her legs. Kurenai isn’t ashamed, so much as frustrated. She glowers out the window, sucking on her popsicle. He bought it for her at the gas station, when she complained about the air conditioning being broken._

_“Why do you say that?” she asks, turning to look at him. Raidou’s jaw clenches._

_“I would be too distracted to enjoy it.” He says. Kurenai smirks._

_“You think you’d drive us off the road?” she asks in an innocent voice._

_“No, I didn’t say that,” he huffs, “it would just be annoying having to operate a vehicle while you’re sucking me off.” She has this way of making him regress to the age of twenty-two. He’s pretty sure that’s the last time he referred to a blow job as being sucked off. He looks over to her, and she sucks when they make eye contact. She winks. “Fuck, Kurenai, I’m driving and you’re joking about road head.”_

_“You’re the one talking about it.” She says, “What’s the big deal anyway?”_

_“What’s the big deal?” he asks. “The big deal is that you’re screwing with me.”_

_“You’re screwing with me,” she says, “you’re saying I’m so good that we’d get in an accident.” Raidou groans._

_“You brought up specific sex acts first.” He grumbles. Kurenai grins._

_“I guess I did.” She says. Raidou rolls his shoulders. It makes her feel good to know that she can still make him sweat, like it’s revenge for him being on her mind this morning._

**

Kakashi sighs, loudly, when he looks at the romance section of the bookstore. He has plowed through his favorite book series so many times that it isn’t fun to read anymore. Kakashi looks at the titles, not sure where to start. There are just so many to choose from. He puts his hands on his hips and narrows his eye, looking at his options. How do people usually choose books? By the cover? He zones out for a bit, trying to find a solution.

He jumps when a hand waves in front of his face. He turns to his right and smiles when he sees Yuugao.

“Hi,” she says, “you’re looking for a new book too?” Kakashi looks at the books in front of them, and then back at Yuugao.

“You read these kinds of books?” he asks. Yuugao turns her focus away and plucks a book off of the shelf.

“Yes,” she replies. “There’s a new book in my favorite series.” She grins when she reads the back of the book. “Raidou pre-ordered the book for me. I’m just here to pick it up.” She puts the book back on the shelf. Kakashi eyes her for a moment.

“Which book series is it?” he asks, sounding sheepish. Yuugao smirks.

“Are you finally giving up on Jiraiya’s shitty books?” she asks. Kakashi frowns.

“No one appreciates literature around here,” he says. Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“His books are terrible,” she says, “the first one was okay, but everything after is so lame. It’s too porn-y, and I hate books that describe how the characters look. I like feeling things when I read.” She scans the bookshelf. Kakashi is grateful that she can’t see the embarrassed expression on his face. He really likes these books, but he doesn’t really talk about them with anyone. “Here it is!” She grins, pulling out a book with a green cover, with a calla lily on the front. The book itself is substantial; easily three hundred pages. He has to admit, the cover is much more tasteful than Jiraiya’s busty heroines running on a beach.

“What’s it about?” he asks. Yuugao blushes a little, which he thinks is kind of cute.

“Well, it’s this historical romance series. It’s about these two soulmates, who are always reincarnated in a different time period.” Yuugao says, “the first one takes place in the Warring States era. But my personal favorite is book three. I’ve read it like, fifteen times. It takes place during a great war.” Yuugao scans the shelf, but Kakashi sees the embarrassed look on her face. “Raidou reads them too.”

“Really? He has neglected to mention it,” Kakashi smirks. Yuugao nods.

“I think he started because I was always reading them, and he wanted to know what I like. He claims to read them for the plot, but I’m not sure.” Yuugao smiles to herself. For all his flaws, Raidou is always game. She asked him once why he reads them, and when he finally stopped cracking jokes about the plot, he said it was just that he wanted to know what she likes. “We talk about the characters, plot, that kind of thing.”

“Not the erotic content?” Kakashi purposefully chooses the more pretentious wording. Yuugao smiles.

“Sometimes. But I really do think he is invested in a well-earned happy ending.” She smirks, “but I won’t deny that it is incredibly attractive when a man embraces a woman’s sexual fantasies.” She lucked out with Raidou, that way. Kakashi scans the shelf, and spots book three. She has stoked his curiosity. _What kind of sex do you like, Yuugao?_

“Why do you read erotica anyway?” he asks.

“Why do you?

“I asked first,” he grins, looking at the back of the book. The author’s picture is on the back of the book. “She is a very pretty lady.”

“Women write the best smut,” Yuugao replies, “to answer your question, I read erotica because it is porn, if it focused on their faces and feelings.” Yuugao has never seen a porno that didn’t make her depressed. She without fail, always sighs and closes her laptop midway through, when she sees mascara smear and is treated to ten minutes of the same in-out shot, making her remember that the people in those movies are someone’s kid. It kills the mood. “It’s why Jiraiya’s books suck. All the feelings serve the sex, whereas in this series, the sex serves the feelings. It’s _pretty_ hot.” Yuugao says. She can’t believe she is talking about this with Kakashi, of all people, but their recent friendship has made her more comfortable.

“So, you like sex with feelings?” he asks. Kakashi gives her a pointed look, and Yuugao refuses to gulp.

“It’s the best kind.”

“And Raidou seriously reads these?” he holds the book up, like he wants her to double check the title to be sure.

“He does,” she says, “he isn’t threatened by the idea that I have my own fantasies. He agrees with me: good smut is porn where you can see the faces.” She smiles, “he’s kinda perfect, sexually.” Kakashi wrinkles his nose, and he feels a pang in his stomach. Intellectually, he knows that Raidou is probably very good at sex. It’s different to hear Yuugao talk about it.

It doesn’t make him jealous. Just…irritated. Like there is something in his shoe. He looks down at the book in his hand and focuses on keeping his expression indifferent. He has been spending a lot of time with Yuugao, and he values their friendship. Which is why he plucks book three off the shelf in front of her.

“The first book and your favorite book would be a good place to start then,” he smiles. Yuugao smirks.

“They will help you step up your game,” she says.

“Oh? You think I need to step it up?” he drawls, “if I recall, you’ve never seen my game.” It’s true. He has never really entertained the idea of pursuing girls. Rin put him off of the idea. Yuugao gives him a hard look, before blinking. Her face shifts into something overly cheery, and he can tell that she is faking it.

“I better pick up that book,” she says, “tell me what you think of these ones.” She walks over to the cashier, and it registers that what they have been doing, in a way, was playing a game. Kakashi looks down at the books in his hands.

**

Leave it to Kurenai and Genma to choose the most complicated crib to assemble. Raidou glowers at the instructions, making sure he understands exactly how he has to put this thing together. The wood is stained dark. With the vertical bars, it looks a little like a jail cell.

“What if one of her legs get stuck in the bars?” Raidou asks. Kurenai holds up one of the sides, right up to Raidou’s face. 

“How fat do you think my baby is going to be?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“I’m just pointing out a hazard,” he says, taking hold of the side of the crib she holds up. She lets him have it, walking over to the bookshelf he built. Her home office is now the baby’s room. Her due date is still months away, but she wants to get ready now.

Besides, Raidou was looking for some home projects. He likes being handy. Kurenai pushes down on a shelf, unsurprised at its sturdiness. Raidou never half-asses his building projects. “How are you so good at this?” she asks.

“At what?” he asks, kneeling over two pieces of wood. They are in Kurenai’s living room, since they haven’t finished clearing out the office. The television is on in the background, but Raidou turned it down low because, in his own words, _daytime television rots your brain from the inside_.

“Household stuff.”

“Household stuff?” he asks, blinking at her. “You mean building furniture? Operating and maintaining appliances? Dealing with a leaky sink or a clogged toilet?”

“You’re very handy.” Kurenai says. Raidou, out of all the guys, is probably the most proficient at fixing things.

“My dad was a normal guy who had to fix his own sink,” Raidou grumbles, lining up the screws with their holes.

“Asuma’s dad had an important job,” Kurenai says.

“Who says my comment was just about the Third?” Raidou says, distracted. “My dad was the only one who had a somewhat balanced life.” His father actually prioritized the family. He wanted to ensure that he could teach Raidou and his brother various life skills. He never strove for excellence, and he didn’t want that for either of his sons. He wanted them to be happy and productive members of society.

So Raidou became an assassin. It was a real _fuck you_ to his old man. He is pretty sure his father rolled in his grave when he accepted the job. Raidou is certain that his dad is still disappointed with him, all the way up in heaven.

Kurenai nods. Raidou’s dad was a well-adjusted person. He cruised along at work and was always easy to talk to. Her own father would get on him about his lack of ambition, and Raidou’s dad would just shrug and sip a beer. _I’ve got everything I want, why do I need more?_ When they both died, along with their mothers, Kurenai wondered who would take care of them. Raidou’s brother quickly stepped up to the plate, and then two years later, he was gone too. She misses them, all the time. Maybe if his dad were around, Raidou wouldn’t insist on being responsible for everything.

“Your dad was a cool guy,” Kurenai hums, walking over to the kitchen table, where Asuma’s favorite glass sits, several pens and ponytails in it.

Genma didn’t do a very good job. The glass is haphazard and uneven. There are gaps where some pieces are missing. However, it is put together again. “He wanted normal kids,” Raidou says, standing up. He looks up at her, eyeing the glass.

“What’s that?” he asks. Kurenai blinks.

“What’s what?” she replies.

“The glass on the table.” He says. Kurenai tilts her head.

“Oh, this is Asuma’s favorite glass.” She says. Raidou frowns, walking over to the table. He picks up the glass, unable to recall Asuma drinking out of it. _You hurt Yuugao over this?_ On the other hand, if not for the glass, she may not have told him about her infertility for another few weeks. “Genma put it back together for me.”

“It looks like a Genma job,” Raidou snorts, “you should have waited for me to fix it.”

“Genma wanted to be helpful, and you can’t fix everything for me,” Kurenai says. Raidou frowns at her comment.

“He needs to stay in his lane,” Raidou sets the glass back down.

“We cried over Asuma,” she says, “it was good for us.” _It wasn’t good for Yuugao_ , Raidou wants to say. But he resists the urge, deciding, instead, to change the subject.

“Is your sink okay?” he asks. Kurenai groans.

“For the billionth time, yes!”

“Let me check,” he says, walking over to the kitchen sink.

“You’re going to work yourself to death,” she huffs, “that’s why you snore so bad.”

“Then don’t create so much work for me.” Raidou’s eye twitches at the drip-drip of water coming out of the tap.

He tried teaching Asuma how to fix it once. _Is it really fixed if it keeps dripping?_ Asuma asked. The rest of the lesson had gone downhill from there. Holding the wrench, Raidou had said _all you have to do is_ , followed by an indecipherable stream of clicks and clucks of the tongue, grunts, and strange hand gestures. After the last cluck, Asuma blinks _. I’m not your brother_ , he says. Raidou and his brother inherited their father’s way of explaining how to fix things; noises and hand gestures. If you’re lucky and they are feeling especially communicative, they would say _doohickey_ or _thingamajigger_. Raidou huffed and declared Asuma incorrigible and therefore, a lost cause. He had rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette.

Not for the first time, Kurenai wants to walk up behind him, wrap her arms around his waist and pull him away from the things he does to distract himself from whatever is going on his head. But she doesn’t, because she wants to love him better, and that means respecting boundaries. She picks up a magazine and lets him tinker with the sink until he’s bored and wants dinner.

**

The back of Yuugao’s neck is probably Kakashi’s favorite part of her body. Any asshole can like legs, breasts or faces, he likes the parts of women’s bodies that they themselves forget about. The back of a really pretty neck can make his tongue go dry and the back of his knees sweaty.

It also helps that there is no way a woman can catch you checking out the back of her neck, and think you are ogling her. Kakashi isn’t comfortable with women knowing he’s attracted to them. He’s not inexperienced, so much as his own vulnerability grosses him out. Most of Kakashi’s relationships, if they could be called that, are him paradoxically trying to avoid looking for the thing that everyone looks to find in sex. He knows where the thing is; he simply refuses to pick it up.

 _And look_ , he likes spending time with Yuugao. He would even say that he likes her as a person. Their schedules are similar, and they both like romantic literature. They go on walks after her depressing meetings, and she talks to him about all the minute, boring details of her life. The kind that aren’t interesting unless you’re interested in someone. Increasingly, Kakashi finds himself asking questions, rather than not listening or talking about himself.

He knows that Yuugao likes trashy reality television and romance novels where the women are submissive, that she twirls her hair when she is bored or concentrating, and that she likes drinking sugary drinks for quick bursts of energy. He wants to know how the bubbles feel in her mouth. Does she like the way that they pop?

She is sitting on a bench, her head hunched over a book, and her hair up in a knot. There is a pen in her hair, like she stuck it there and forgot about it. His stares at the naked skin, the little fly away hairs at the base of her head. He feels a little predatory, staring at the back of her neck. The truth is that he wants to look at the only vulnerable part of her body that she can’t see him looking at. He only makes it clear that he is looking when he is ready to act. _I want to lick the back of your neck_ , he thinks. He blinks, mortified at the thought. It’s easy to make jokes about anal and blow jobs; they are, by their nature, comical. But there is something terrifying about being satisfied with just touching your tongue to the back of someone’s neck.

Kakashi has been in like-like, lust, fledgling love. But never before has he had romantic feelings that he couldn’t joke about. He takes the back of her neck seriously. He sighs to himself and walks over to sit beside her on the bench, not looking at her as he sits down. Yuugao looks up at him, closing her book. He grins when he sees the cover.

“You’ve read that what, sixteen times?” he asks. Yuugao blushes and twists her mouth.

“Seventeen,” she replies.

“What’s your favorite part?” he asks, crossing his arms and looking at her. Yuugao smiles.

“Honestly, I like it all.” She sighs, “it makes me feel tingly.”

“Even the dirty bits?” he asks. Yuugao grins.

“Especially the dirty bits.” There was once a time when Yuugao would be reluctant to admit to liking sex. Part of it is that she is older, more laid back. The other is that Raidou hasn’t been paying the kind of attention to her that he should. She is lonely, bored and horny.

Contrary to Kakashi’s belief, she knows that he wants to fuck her. The thing is that she believes it only stops there.

It’s not that he’s in love. He just takes note of the bitterness in her voice when she says Kurenai’s name or complains about Raidou’s schedule. Yuugao never says anything outright but it is obvious that she is jealous, and a little insecure. Kakashi knows that she is only talking to him because Raidou is busy, and that he should give up on it. But the predator in him takes note of the increasing weakness in her relationship with Raidou.

He feels like a bad person for thinking it, but each time she talks about how distant Raidou is, or how he always brings Kurenai around, Kakashi feels excited. It makes him feel ashamed, because he shouldn’t like that his friend’s relationship is strained, let alone encourage it. But he isn’t the kind of person to let an opportunity slip away.

“I didn’t like it,” Kakashi says. “It was predictable.” Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“Predictable is fun.” Raidou _predictably_ makes her come. Kakashi scoffs.

“Said no one ever,” he replies. “Now, book five: that had pathos. drama, _romance_.”

“Book five was depressing,” Yuugao says, “the feelings weren’t deep; they were one, flat note.”

“I’d say they went pretty deep,” he smirks. Yuugao sighs.

“You don’t need to go deep to be deep,” she says. Kakashi’s face itches. He wants to know more.

“Explain.” He says, like he is that twerp-y genius kid who feels entitled to commanding that people explain themselves. Yuugao looks at him like he is an idiot. She doesn’t like his tone, like she has to answer to him.

“Ask Raidou,” she says, “he can give you some pointers.”

“I don’t want to talk about it with him.” _I want to talk about it with you_. He licks his lip. Yuugao puffs her cheeks.

She wants them to be just friends, but she is toeing the line of something more. Kakashi is attractive. She can’t see his face, but he is tall with nice shoulders, a strong and successful person. He is smart, funny. Yuugao catches herself thinking about him, sometimes, when it’s late and Raidou isn’t home.

“I’m not interested,” she says.

“Who says I was asking you?” he replies. Yuugao stands up and looks down at him.

“I’m going home now.” She says.

“I’ll walk you,” he stands up, looming over her. Yuugao chews the inside of her cheek, before nodding.

“Fine,” she says, “I’ll just tell you why book five sucks.” Kakashi smirks.

“Enlighten me.” And so, she does.

**

_You can’t read in dreams, so the saying goes. But you can remember. Yuugao comes to in her dream, her elbows on her kitchen table, receiving from behind and she can just tell, without turning her head, that it is Kakashi and not Raidou behind her. She looks at the newspaper and is relieved to realize that she can’t read it. But when he rips through her, she forgets about reading and this being a dream. As she slams on open palm on the table, she finds herself wishing this was real._ Don’t stop _. So, he doesn’t_.

Yuugao wakes up with a start, sitting up in bed. She is twitching all over, and there is a tingling between her legs. _Oh no_. Kakashi is her friend. He is Raidou’s friend _. No, no, no_. This is not supposed to happen. She looks over at the clock on Raidou’s nightstand and stands up when she realizes he hasn’t left for work yet.

It’s been weeks since they last had sex. They’ve both been busy, their time being consumed by other people. She didn’t realize how bad it was until she woke up. Dream Kakashi was giving it good. Yuugao wonders if this has something to do with their conversation the other day. _Good smut is porn where you can see the faces_. She has no idea how she is going to face the actual Kakashi, when Dream Kakashi punched her in. She looks around the living room, seeing Raidou on the couch, sipping his coffee. He is reading the newspaper, frowning.

“Raidou,” she sighs. He looks up and smiles.

“Yuugao,” he replies. Her stomach drops, and she feels incredibly guilty about her dream. Rather than admit an attraction to Kakashi, she prefers to go with the theory that it’s just been too long since she and Raidou have had sex. “Yuugao?” he asks. She blinks.

“I want you,” she says. He blinks at her.

“You have me,” he says in a slow voice. She shakes her head.

“I want to have sex with you,” she says, “it’s been too long.” Yuugao pulls her sleep shirt up, over her head, and walks to him on the couch. Raidou drops the newspaper and sets his coffee on the table, opening his arms to her.

In one smooth movement, she crosses the room and hops onto his lap. She doesn’t mind his coffee breath, actually, she kind of likes it. She inhales his lower lip, and he sighs.

“I’ve missed you,” he says. She smiles. Her dream was jarring and uncomfortable, but it did wake her up, as it were.

“Don’t take your clothes off,” she sighs, reaching down to his pants. Raidou smiles.

“It wasn’t an option anyway. I’ve got to go to work soon,” he replies as she pulls him out. He pokes her nipple ring with his finger, and she laughs under her breath.

“You find it so amusing sometimes,” she says, “I really don’t get it.”

“It’s cute, like the little heart you have tattooed on your ass cheek.” It’s the size of a fingernail. Yuugao is someone who acts like a good girl, but as soon as you get in her pants, you realize how bad she is. “Wouldn’t expect it from a girl like you,” he drawls, moving them so that he hovers over her on the couch. Yuugao kisses his chin as she strokes his dick. Raidou makes a sighing noise, before he moves forward. He kisses her jaw, but she wrinkles her nose and pulls away before looking at him.

“I want to look at your face,” she hums. He moves inside of her and she wraps her legs around his waist.

“Why?” he asks. She smiles.

“Because…” _I had a dream about Kakashi, but I’m in love with you_. It’s not that she feels bad about fantasizing about Kakashi, it’s just that made her realize how much distance is between the two of them. “I love you,” she puts a hand on his cheek. He looks into her eyes, so hard it almost hurts. Like she can feel his gaze on her optic nerve. She tilts her head and arches up into him, thinking about how much she adores him.

Because she does. Yuugao loves Raidou, in the absolute sense of the word. In moments like this, where they are in their knot, she feels like he is the only person she has ever properly loved. In an adult way, free from juvenile delusions and rose-y glasses. She loves the way he snores, his morning breath, the prickle of his facial hair against her.

And here he is, giving it to her good. She moans and exposes her throat to him. He kisses it, and she hums. She wants to claw her way into him, to rest somewhere in his chest, maybe on his liver. Raidou pauses and rises over her.

“Flip onto your stomach.” He sighs. Yuugao frowns.

“I want to look at your face,” she pouts. He smiles.

“I will be right behind you,” he says, grinning when she flips over. He smiles at the little red heart on her butt, as he lines himself up behind her. He pulls her hips up to him with one hand, while his elbow and forearm rest beside her. She sighs as he enters her again, and she has to admit, it feels really good. His shirt rubs against her back, and she groans when he starts moving faster. She moves a hand down and begins touching herself, resting her forehead on the arm of the couch.

She sighs when she feels his breath on the shell of her ear. “Yuugao,” he rasps, “I love you.” He moves hard and fast, as if to prove his point. Yuugao moans, not in the mood to talk but very happy that he is.

This is the kind of sex they used to have. Passionate. Loving. The kind that makes her stomach feel like it is being pushed up. She moves with him, and they chase each other to the absolute limit, before she makes an ugly noise and he roars against her. She slumps into the couch, her face down. He kisses the side of her neck, and she sighs under his weight. She likes how it feels, and whines when he moves away.

“What?” he asks as he gets up. She rolls over onto her back, watching him pull his pants up.

“I want to do that again.” She stretches herself out into a long line. Raidou tilts his head, considering whether or not he can call in sick today. He doesn’t have any urgent missions to complete, and in all honesty, he was probably going to fuck around all day.

“How badly?” he asks.

“Very badly.” She sighs. “I have the day off. Spend the day with me.” She smiles. Yuugao is the kind of woman who can make anything sultry. Kurenai is the same. It’s one of their few identical traits. Raidou looks at her lower belly, the place where their children would be. His brows furrow. It bothers him that they can’t make a baby. It’s not fair; he finally found her, the one, but they can’t do what Asuma and Kurenai could by accident. He doesn’t say anything, but he feels a profound sense of loss.

Raidou looks at the phone. He likes work, but he loves Yuugao, and he feels so…connected to her, right now. He sighs and walks over to phone. She sits up on the couch, grinning as she watches him call in sick to work. He hangs up, and strips, before returning to her on the couch. They do it in every way they can think of, until Yuugao doesn’t know if she can walk and Raidou is wiped out. _Thank you_ , she sighs. He rolls on top of her, giving her a serious look. _I love you,_ he says. She takes his face in her hands and sighs. _I love you too_. She kisses him deep, and he falls back into her, again.

She doesn’t speak to Kakashi for a week.

**

Raidou holds a piece of paper and a pen. Kurenai walks beside him, holding her purse in front of her stomach with both hands. He is taking her on their evening walk. Sometimes, Raidou will touch her lower back or cup her elbow. But he’s faraway in Raidou Land, biting his lower lip.

“What are you doing?” she asks. Raidou hums.

“Writing a list of Yuugao’s favorite foods,” he replies. Kurenai bites her lip.

“Don’t you know them in your head?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“She likes specific brands, textures. Like, she won’t eat overripe mango, or she prefers a specific brand of juice. It’s easier to have it written down in front of me.” He says, looking ahead.

“Why are you listing all her favorite foods? Are you going to surprise her?” Kurenai asks. Asuma used to do cutesy shit like this. She doesn’t like surprises, but she misses being doted upon. Raidou frowns.

“Well, I haven’t been spending as much time with her as I’d like to,” he says, “I mean, work is picking up and you need me around, so she understands, but I was thinking I could start having lunch with her at work. Bring her favorite things, hang out for an hour.” He pauses, the tips of his ears turning red. “I just miss spending time with her.”

“I know the feeling,” Kurenai says quietly. She misses Asuma, even his banal musings and dumb jokes. Raidou doesn’t say anything. He just jots another item down. “You know, you don’t have to spend all your time with me,” Kurenai says. “You have your own life.” Raidou gives her one of his serious looks. “What?”

“I don’t like the idea of you being alone.” He mumbles. “You shouldn’t be alone and pregnant.” Raidou would want someone to do the same if Yuugao were alone.

“I don’t have a disease.” Kurenai places her hand on the small of his back while they walk. “And I want you to be happy.” She pauses. “Your happiness isn’t negotiable, Raidou.” She wants to deserve him, and part of that is reminding him to stop sacrificing himself for her. He doesn’t have to. Asuma is dead, and she is going to live without him. She appreciates that Raidou wants to step up for her, but he can’t take Asuma’s place. No one can.

Raidou nods, not looking at her. “You know, I like spending time with you.” He pauses. “It’s like how it used to be.” He doesn’t want to be with Kurenai, and he wants to make it work with Yuugao. But he has missed spending all his spare time with Kurenai. They have a lot of fun together.

“Well, Yuugao won’t like me taking up all your time.” Kurenai says, pressing her hand to him. He feels her palm through his shirt.

“I am hoping to fix that,” he says, “and it’s been hard, with her infertility. Like, we just haven’t been able to connect the same.”

“You’re never going to connect if you spend all your time with me,” Kurenai says. Raidou sighs.

“You’re right.” He sticks his paper and pen into his pocket. “You think you can start sleeping by yourself sometime?” Raidou puts an arm around her shoulders, as she crosses her arms across her chest.

“I don’t know about that,” she says, a little anxious. She has had to accept the unimaginable, but she isn’t ready to learn how to sleep alone. She presses herself to Raidou’s side.

“We’ll wait until you’re ready,” he says. “Genma is never going to date again anyway. You two can be old spinsters together, for the rest of your lives.” Kurenai thumps him on the chest and he smiles, pulling away. “C’mon, that was a little funny,” he says.

Kurenai spins around to try and not laugh while telling Raidou to stop joking about her and Genma being two old ladies together, but she spots Hinata over his shoulder. “Hinata,” she says. Raidou turns around, and blinks at Kurenai’s student.

“Hi Kurenai-sensei, Raidou.” Hinata has a soft smile on her face. “How are you?”

“Just perfect,” Kurenai says, without irony or sarcasm.

“Alive.” Raidou says. Kurenai frowns at him, but Hinata smiles.

“How have you been?” Raidou asks, ignoring Kurenai’s expression.

“I’ve been well. I just got back from a mission.”

“The hunt for Itachi and Sasuke, right?” Kurenai asks. When Kakashi had told her about the mission, Kurenai had done her best not to worry. _They’re adults, and I’ve done the best I can_. The mission was a failure, but at least they all came home safe.

“Yes,” Hinata frowns, “it was a failure.” She blinks. “I think Kakashi, Sakura and Naruto were disappointed. I was relieved, to be honest. Is that bad?” Kurenai and Raidou watch her pinch the skin on her wrist.

“I’m relieved too.” Kurenai says. She couldn’t have survived another blow, not so soon. Hinata looks at the ground.

“I saw their chakra.” Hinata says, “Sasuke is alive.”

“Maybe he’ll come back on his own.” Raidou says, not really believing it. Hinata looks up with her moon eyes.

“Maybe,” she says. “I hope so, for Naruto. He’s crushed without him.”

“It’s hard losing someone who is still alive,” Kurenai says. Raidou looks over to her, but she won’t look at him. “Maybe Sasuke will come back, now that Itachi is gone.”

“I hope he does,” Hinata sighs. “I imagine that it is hard to be all alone.” She eyes the space between Kurenai and Raidou. _It’s hard losing someone who is still alive_. At least the dead are beyond reach.

Hinata watches Raidou reach for Kurenai’s elbow, cupping it in his hand. “He’ll come back,” Kurenai says, more for reassurance than anything else. “Kakashi and I have a bet that depends on him coming back.” She presses her elbow into Raidou’s palm. Her elbow is cold.

“What bet?” Raidou asks.

“If I tell you it won’t happen,” Kurenai smiles. “It’s out in the universe.” The look on Hinata’s face makes her wish that Kakashi was right. It is the best possible outcome for Sasuke.

But Hinata deserves the best, if not better. Kurenai doesn’t even think Naruto really deserves her. _But it’s not my life_.

“I hope you’re right,” Hinata smiles.

“Kurenai is never wrong,” Raidou smiles at her, and Kurenai feels something in her burst when she realizes that he means it.

 _I’m not worthy_.

**

This morning, Raidou decided to surprise Yuugao with coffee at work. She is going to be alone in the office today, and she complains about the monotony of paperwork. So, he has taken it upon himself to make her day, if not a little brighter, a little less lonely. He found a big stack of paperwork to do, and he is going to sit beside her and do it. He got lunch and everything. He even bought her coffee an hour before he is to see her, because she likes it lukewarm.

He, very badly, wants to be a good partner to Yuugao. Raidou has been stepping up for Kurenai, and he wants to do the same for Yuugao. Lunch won’t fix everything, but it is a necessary step in the right direction. He even whistles as he walks down to her office. Yuugao sticks her head out to see the source of the noise, and grins when he whistles even louder, just to keep her attention.

“Hi,” she says softly, opening the door for him. “Why are you here?”

“To do paperwork,” Raidou smiles, setting the box of files down. He hands her the lukewarm coffee, and she smiles when she feels the absence of heat.

“You came all the way down here to do paperwork?” she asks.

“Well, I thought you might get lonely,” he says, “and I haven’t seen you as much as I’d like to.” Yuugao smiles.

“I would really like that,” she sips her coffee. “What’d you get for lunch?”

“Oh, just stuff from the grocery store,” he says. All her favorites, but he doesn’t need to say that.

“Like a picnic?” she grins. Her smile, for lack of a better word, blooms across her face. Raidou is momentarily stunned by it. _You’re so pretty._ She’s supportive, kind and compassionate, but he isn’t blind. He blinks, embarrassed that she caught him looking like a complete dope. For Yuugao, it was nice to feel not just seen, but loved and desired by a look alone.

“An indoor picnic,” he says, “because I’m a romantic now.”

“Ah,” Yuugao says, looking into the brown bag. “You bought a lot.”

“Anything for you, baby,” he clucks after, just to punctuate _baby_.

“You’ve never called me that,” she says, picking up an apple.

“It never felt right until now,” he shrugs, sipping his own coffee. Raidou stares into space, and Yuugao opens her mouth to assert that _he_ is _her baby_ , and not the other way around, when there is a knock on the door.

Raidou and Yuugao both look over at the same time. He can tell by the look on her face that she isn’t expecting anyone. “Come in,” she calls. The door opens, and Kakashi saunters in.

“Hi,” he says, looking at Yuugao a little too long. Raidou decides to think nothing of it, but he does file it in his head.

“Can I help you?” Yuugao asks. Her voice is warm, friendly. Like Kakashi drops by a lot. Raidou didn’t know that they were so… _friendly_.

“I just wanted to see you,” Kakashi says. He looks right at Raidou, “I didn’t know that you would have company.” The way he says it makes Raidou stiffen, but he wears a mask of indifference.

“Yuugao does like me better,” Raidou says. She smiles at him, while Kakashi’s eye twitches. Raidou knows he isn’t imagining it, like, in the pit of his stomach, but he doesn’t want to believe it.

Yuugao, for her part, isn’t clueless to the exchange between Raidou and Kakashi, so much as she thinks it doesn’t mean anything. She is attracted to Kakashi, yes, but it’s more the case that she likes his attention in the absence of Raidou. Sex dreams aside, Raidou is the one she thinks about. She figures that it is more or less the same for Kakashi. She’s a pretty girl who lets him talk about his porn-y books. Nothing less, nothing more.

But Kakashi has real feelings. He’s not in love (far from it, actually) but he isn’t here because he wants to look at Yuugao. He isn’t ready to admit this to himself, but he wants _more_. Because he is still in a little bit of denial, he honestly thought he could see her and Raidou together and not flinch. Clearly, he was wrong. His denial is shattered. He is glad that neither Yuugao nor Raidou can see his lip twitch.

“You hungry?” Raidou asks. Yuugao looks back at Kakashi.

“You should stay,” she says. Raidou nods. He wants Kakashi to act normal again.

“I bought a lot of food.” Raidou says. Kakashi tilts his head, pretending to contemplate the offer.

“I think I’d rather be outside,” he drawls, “it’s sunny.”

“Well, okay,” Yuugao says. “Raidou and I will be here for the rest of the day if you get lonely.” She smiles, because in her mind, everything is fine. Kakashi shrugs.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” he says.

“Going to get lost on the path of life?” Raidou asks. Kakashi eyes him for a second longer than he ought to. Raidou instinctively clenches.

“What else is there to do?” Kakashi smiles under his mask.

“Find direction,” Raidou keeps his voice from being snappy, somehow. Kakashi shrugs.

“Where’s the fun in that?” he says. Yuugao, bored with their posturing, and unable to ignore the tension, decides to put her foot down.

“Security is nice,” Yuugao says, “isn’t that right, Raidou?”

Both men look at her. They both know that she has chosen Raidou. He tries not to be smug about it, but Raidou does take some delight in the way Kakashi slouches.

“Security is a lot of fun,” Raidou says, “I recommend it.” He eyes Kakashi, who shrugs.

“Just remember that I’m in the sun while you two are in an office.” He says, before walking out of the office. Raidou waits for the door to close, before turning to Yuugao.

“Does he do that a lot?” he asks. Yuugao blinks.

“Does he do what a lot?”

“Visit you at work.” Raidou says, cringing at how obvious he is. Yuugao smirks.

“Are you jealous?” she asks, teasing. Raidou frowns, making her laugh. “He just gets bored. It’s nothing.” Raidou refrains from pointing out that men are _conveniently_ bored when an attractive woman is there to give them attention. But he decides to let it roll off of his back. He doesn’t want to ruin their day over something as petty as Kakashi having a crush on his girlfriend.

“Alright,” he says. Yuugao nods, and pokes around the brown bag for food. Raidou thinks about how pretty she is. He can’t even blame Kakashi for having a crush. Yuugao is pretty fucking perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the lull before a real storm. It's weird to be halfway done (chapter thirty-one is just bonus material that has nothing to do with Kurenai and Raidou, so I am just posting it at the end because I don't know what else to do with it). I feel like this chapter is a bit all over the place, but linear time has never been my thing. I listened to "Garden Song" by Phoebe Bridgers, which always makes me think of Kurenai and Raidou. 
> 
> Forgive any errors. I come back and fix them when I spot them. They too make my eye twitch. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapter! Your comments always warm my cold, possibly dead, heart and they keep me motivated to see Storms through (clearly). Stay safe out there!


	16. High Winds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little kid stuff.
> 
> CW: Period sex. It happens early on. You can just skip it.

“I dreamt that he drowned”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Georgia”

"And I have this dream where I'm screaming underwater/ while my friends are waving from the shore/ And I don't need you to tell me what that means/ I don't believe in that stuff anymore"

Phoebe Bridgers, "Funeral"

They are really, really trying. Some days, it’s not so hard, and things between them are smooth and even. On others, like today, it’s all tense and stilted and wrong. Raidou rubs his eyes, watching Yuugao pick at her breakfast. He spent the last night at Kurenai’s, but he came back early to make breakfast. Yuugao woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Her face is pinched, and she hasn’t said much at all.

She got her period today. They both know, because her periods are regular, and they had been tracking them for the better part of a year. It depressed her, so she didn’t bother to get up and put on a pad when it came in the middle of the night. This one was bad; like a proverbial flood. He came back when she was in the shower and blinked at the bright red splotch. _Our babies ended up there_ , he thinks to himself. He quietly stripped the bed and started cleaning the mattress. When she came back into the room, wrapped in a fluffy towel, Raidou was in the middle of spreading the cold water and baking soda paste onto it. She murmured a _sorry_ and he shrugged.

Raidou feels like a failure because he can’t give her what she wants or fix the problem. Her infertility simply exists, whether he is there or not. It makes him feel powerless, like he is less of a man. So, he made breakfast and now he is sitting there, watching her pick at it. Rice with an egg, sunny side up. She pierced the yolk, and it dribbles all over her rice, mixing with the green onion and pickled plums. Yuugao looks down at the bowl. _That’s what my eggs look like on the inside_. Yuugao frowns at her breakfast.

“Yuugao,” Raidou says softly, “are you okay?”

“No,” she says softly, “today is going to be a bad day.” She puts some egg into her mouth. Yuugao needs to eat something, if only to appease Raidou.

“Is it about this morning?” he asks. Yuugao shrugs.

“That happened last night.” She had bled through everything. Even if he had been there, she wouldn’t have gotten up.

Raidou isn’t grossed out by her period. Neither was Hayate, but he never showed Raidou’s enthusiasm for period sex. _You’re more sensitive, I can feel it_ , he had once said while inside of her. She had wrapped her legs around his waist and made an ugly noise when he thrust into her. That was back when her period was just another time in her life, instead of a horrible reminder of what she doesn’t have. What they will never have.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there,” he says. He knows, full well, that she felt it and did nothing. Yuugao looks up at him.

“You’re not here often.” She says, sticking some more egg in her mouth. Raidou’s lip twitches.

“That’s not true,” he says quietly. He spends a lot of time with Kurenai, but he spends the rest with Yuugao. He can tell by the look on her face that Yuugao isn’t in the mood to settle. _She’s in so much pain_ , he thinks _, and I can’t do anything about it_.

“You were with Kurenai last night,” Yuugao says, “you were with her when I needed you.” Raidou sighs.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I didn’t realize things were so bad.” Yuugao looks at him with incredulity. _Where have you been for the last few months_? She can’t believe that he is claiming ignorance.

“How could you not know?” she asks. Yuugao knows he feels the chasm growing between them.

“Because you don’t tell me,” he says, “I can’t fix something I don’t know about.”

“We both know there is nothing to fix,” she says in a cold voice. “It just is.” Raidou nods.

“Yeah.”

Yuugao thinks about accusing him of emotional unavailability, but that isn’t quite right. When he is with her, he is present. It’s just that he isn’t with her enough. His absence isn’t emotional; it is physical. That’s why it is so painful. Last night, she would have given anything to have been able to roll into him and cry into his neck. But he was with Kurenai, and _look_ , Yuugao knows she is suffering, but it is categorically not fair that she gets a baby _and_ Raidou.

Raidou watches her, waiting for her to speak. Instead, Yuugao begins eating again. There is nothing she can say. He doesn’t touch his own food, watching her eat hers quickly.

“Going somewhere?” he asks, his voice a clear blue.

“I’m going to meet a friend,” she says quietly. “We both have the day off.” Raidou nods, beginning to pick at his own breakfast. Yuugao looks at him softly.

“Do you have plans?” she asks. Raidou sighs.

“Finish cleaning the mattress.” _That you bled all over_. He knows it isn’t personal, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys cleaning the blood out of their bed. Yuugao looks a little ashamed, so he smiles. “I think Genma wants me to go get lunch with him.”

“I miss Genma,” Yuugao says. “He’s my favorite, of all your friends.”

“He’s my favorite too,” Raidou smiles when Yuugao laughs. It _almost_ feels like it used to. She smiles to herself and takes her bowl to the kitchen, before grabbing her wallet. Her lower back aches, the way it usually does. She walks back to Raidou, and kisses the side of his head, along his hairline.

“I love you,” she says, meaning it. Raidou smiles at her.

“I love you too,” he smiles, “have fun with your friend.” Yuugao smiles. She ruffles his hair, and it makes the back of his neck tingle.

“Well, it’s plural.”

“Oh, so you have more than one friend.” Raidou smiles, “what an accomplishment.” Yuugao, wanting to forget her bad mood, wraps an arm around Raidou’s head, over his eyes and presses her face into his crown.

“You are such an asshole,” she mumbles.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies. Yuugao lets go of him, and he watches her as she walks to the front door. When it shuts behind her, he tucks his hand into his pocket and pulls out the business card Himself gave him at the funeral. Raidou doesn’t feel like he is in crisis, but he and Yuugao have been on edge, even if they are, more often than not, able to recover.

When he finishes breakfast, he calls the therapist and books an appointment for later that morning.

**

The ‘friends’ Yuugao made plans with are Kakashi and Yamato. They sit around a table at the bar. They decided to go day drinking, just because. Yuugao is on beer number two, and her stomach feels like it is bubbling. Her chin rests on her fist, and she pouts, watching Yamato and Kakashi play Xs and Os on a napkin.

“I had a horrible morning,” she declares. Kakashi immediately looks at her, while Yamato stares at the napkin.

“Did something happen?” Kakashi asks. Yuugao considers telling them that she had bled everywhere and Raidou had cleaned it up. She wonders if Kakashi would tell her to get housetrained.

“I just woke up in a _mood_ ,” she hums.

“You and your moods,” Yamato hums.

“What does that mean?” she asks. Kakashi looks at the napkin and casually beats Yamato at another round.

“You brood sometimes,” Yamato says, “like Raidou.”

“You’re prettier, though.” Kakashi says nonchalantly. Yuugao smiles at him. Yamato looks between the two of them, wondering what universe he has just stepped into.

“Raidou’s quite handsome,” Yuugao replies. Kakashi frowns. _I’ve never wanted to fuck him_.

“Doesn’t mean he’s cuter,” Kakashi says. Yuugao smirks.

It’s not the case that she isn’t attracted to Kakashi; she’s just not, _not_ attracted to him. She’s dreamt about him. He is an objective catch. He is smart, funny. Knowing him, he’s probably cute under the mask. She presses her lips together, pressing her tongue to the backs of her teeth. She’s loyal, but she has thought about it. She doesn’t know if it is because she actually likes Kakashi, or if he is just present in Raidou’s absence.

Kakashi eyes her. She is objectively really, really pretty, and she’s a lot of fun to spend time with, but he doesn’t want to be that person. Say what you will about Kurenai and Raidou, they really, really love each other. Kakashi is not in love with Yuugao, so he doesn’t _think_ he would do it. On the other hand, she asked him to go day drinking with her, and he showed up, like a chump, so maybe he would.

If asked, Yamato would say that some sort of collision is inevitable.

**

“And that is my tale of woe,” Raidou sits back on the couch, looking at the therapist. He is an older man, in his mid-fifties. He told Raidou to call him Shin. He has a beard and wears glasses. Shin has a wiry frame, and he told Raidou that he had been in the forces before retiring and becoming a therapist _. I help more people this way_. Raidou wonders who it was that Shin failed to help.

“Tale of woe,” Shin repeats, staring down at his notes. “That’s one way to view your life.”

“Well,” Raidou hums, “it’s the best way to sum everything up.”

“So, your life is always bad?” he asks, “surely, there must be some joy.” Raidou’s tummy clenches when he thinks of Genma, Yuugao and Kurenai. They would all be disappointed if they listened to this session.

“It’s not always bad,” he says, “it just feels like there is one thing after another. I take one hit and then another comes right after.”

“Why do you say that?” Shin asks. Raidou blinks.

“It feels like I’m cursed,” he says. “Every time I think I’m happy, I always screw up.”

“Screw up?”

“Yeah,” he says.

“You think that every bad thing that has ever happened to you is your fault?” Shin asks. Raidou nods, and Shin purses his lips, nodding. “Interesting.”

“Huh?” Raidou grunts.

“Well, it seems like you are suggesting that, in some way, that you are directly responsible for everything that happens to you, and that’s just not true,” he says. “You internalize a lot of things. Why do you do that? Why do you want to be responsible for everything? What do you get out of thinking this way?” Raidou blinks.

“I don’t know.” Raidou says. Shin grins.

“We have a guiding question,” he says. Raidou frowns. He doesn’t like the sound of that. It appears that getting better is going to require a lot more work than he anticipated.

**

Raidou hauls himself up the steps, tired from therapy and work. Genma told him that he looks half alive, and when they ran into Kurenai, she frowned and told him to get more sleep. _I was with you last night_ , he mutters, _I got a full eight hours_. She told him that he should take her sleeping pills. Raidou shrugged at her offer, and headed home.

When he steps inside, he sees Yuugao sitting on the counter, staring off into space. He slips his shoes off, tucking his hands into his pockets. She blinks at him, like a cat. Yuugao kicks her legs out, not saying anything.

“Yuugao,” Raidou says, “how are you?”

“Just perfect,” she says, “I had three beers this morning, and I’ve just been hanging out the rest of the day.”

“Day drinking,” he hums.

“And staring off into space.” She sighs.

“What about your friends?” he asks. Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“Kakashi and Yamato aren’t fun.” They aren’t the kind of friends you go day drinking with if you have a choice. Raidou smiles.

“That sounds pretty boring.” He is still sure that Kakashi wants to fuck Yuugao, so it feels good to hear her talk about him being boring.

“It’s my day off,” she sighs, slumping. Raidou walks up to her, pressing his hips into her knees.

“Do you know what you want for dinner?” he asks. Yuugao sighs.

“I’m not hungry.” She smiles, “I’m kinda horny though.” The upside of her period presents itself. Raidou grins. This is the kind of problem he knows how to solve _. If only all our problems were this easy to fix_. “Let’s do it over the counter,” he says.

“What if things get messy?” she asks. It is the first day, and she has been drinking.

“That’s what bleach is made for,” Raidou says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm. Yuugao tilts her head, opening her legs to him. He steps forward, placing a palm flat to the counter on either side of her hip. Yuugao doesn’t kiss him, but her mouth is only an inch away from his.

The alcohol has softened her and staring off into the distance gave her a new perspective. She could focus on absence, on what she can’t have, or she can remember what she does have. Spending time with Kakashi and Yamato gave her perspective, in the sense that she knows she does not want to end up alone and day drinking. She puts her palm to the side of Raidou’s face. Just looking at him makes her face soften and jaw unclench. She makes his eyes crinkle; he makes her face soft.

She presses her mouth to his, their lips familiar with each other. Raidou opens to her, because anything less than total vulnerability is unacceptable. His tongue finds the inside of her cheek when she unzips his pants. “So thirsty,” he says.

“Always,” she says around his tongue. It would be disgusting to watch, but no one is there. She pushes his flak jacket over his shoulders, and she lets him pull away so he can rip his shirt and mesh undershirt off, while she pulls her own shirt off. Raidou holds her face in his hands, and he kisses her slowly. It’s agonizing, really, because she wants to go so much faster. “More,” she sighs.

“More what?” he asks, kissing her jaw. Yuugao looks up at the ceiling.

“You,” she says, “all of you.” She wraps her legs around his waist, letting him kiss all over her. He unclips her bra and pulls it off of her, throwing it onto the pile of clothes around them. He sucks inside her collarbone, and she sighs.

Raidou reaches for the zipper of her pants, and she lifts herself up on her hands so he can pull them down. He hooks his fingers into her panties as well, pull it all off in one go.

“Do you have anything inside of you?” he asks. Yuugao shakes her head, smiling when he kisses her again and moaning when his fingers find her clit. They’ve done this before, but it always surprises her how willing he is to get his hands dirty. She sighs when he slips a finger inside. In all honesty, she is so horny that she aches for him.

“I want you inside me,” she sighs.

“Technically, I am,” he says. He moves his finger out, and she clamps her thighs shut. Raidou frowns.

“What do you want me to do?” he says, not even blinking about the blood on his fingers. There’ve been worse reasons for him to have blood on his hands.

“It hurts,” she sighs, “it’s like I’m aching for you.” It’s true. Her body is stiff, itchy from arousal. She feels empty in the middle, aching to be full. Raidou blinks.

“Oh,” he says, moving his fingers back into her. He doesn’t quite believe her, until he sees feels her relax around him. She sighs, feeling a little relief from the emptiness of being without him. “I need my hand,” he says.

“I need your hand,” Yuugao crosses her thighs together.

“I can’t get inside you if your legs are closed,” he says. Yuugao slowly opens them, and she frowns when he moves to kneel before her. “Stand up,” he says.

“What?” she blinks. She doesn’t want to think about how messy things are about to get.

“I’m going to eat you out, and then bury myself so deep inside you that you will never feel empty again.” Raidou says this all nonchalantly, like he hasn’t just said the kind of thing that makes her want to carry his babies and weld herself to him.

Yuugao slides off of the counter, landing on the balls of her feet. Raidou gets on his knees before her, like a supplicant and he has her spread her legs for him. He has seen a lot of blood, so he doesn’t mind having it in his mouth.

Yuugao looks down at him, whining in the back of her throat. She bites her lip when she feels his fingers and his mouth working together. Her mouth is dry, her hands in his hair and his name pounding in her head. She feels her heart beating inside her, almost as if she can hear it, and she moans as he finds her favorite spot. It’s like he found the right place to scratch. She stretches her body up so all her nerves are stretched.

As always, she is warm, and he doesn’t mind that she is getting her blood all over his mouth and chin. Kurenai called him a vampire— _is this what she meant?_ He slides another finger in her and teases all her soft, velvet bits before going in for the metaphorical kill. He can tell by the way she clamps around his hand and her nails dig into his scalp, that it is time. He puts a hand on her hip as he goes deeper, harder, before pulling back and going again.

She takes in a big gulp of air when he places his hand on her hip. It’s his way of telling her that it will be over soon. He gets right under her, coming up from above, pushing her up. She shrieks a little bit from being unbalanced, and then she curses out loud when the full force of her orgasm hits. It lands right between her eyes, like she has been killed dead. He keeps going until she is so sensitive that it hurts. She squirms away as he pulls back. They look at each other for a second.

There is blood all over his mouth and chin, and her face is so flushed she looks feverish. Her mouth and she is sweaty. There is blood on the inside of her thighs, like he had actually eaten something out of her. Yuugao takes a few breaths, trying to calm herself.

“You okay?” he asks.

“I will be.” She says.

“Does it still hurt?” he asks. He’s hoping her orgasm took the edge off of her aches.

“Being without you?” she asks. He nods. Yuugao sighs, “it actually hurts like a motherfucker, now.” Raidou can tell it’s bad, and real, by her use of the word ‘motherfucker.’

“Let me fix it,” he sighs, standing up. Yuugao pulls him out of his pants and squeezes a little just to watch him squirm.

“Imagine that, but a million times worse and it’s like the emptiness inside of you is squeezing itself.” Yuugao kisses the inside of his collarbone. Raidou sighs. Suddenly, he can appreciate how badly she aches for him.

“Turn around,” he says, rumbling. It’s the authoritative voice he knows she likes, even though he never really uses it, like, ever. Only for sex. _Maybe Big Bad Raidou isn’t a dumb nickname after all_. He stands back and appreciates her form as she spins around. Her shoulder blades, her spine, the muscles and fat. _Your parents made a work of art_. Most people make babies, but Yuugao’s parents made something else. So did Kurenai’s, but that is a side thought that he tucks away for later. Raidou will contemplate what _something else_ means when it’s him and his hand. You know, the only time he can think straight.

He places a hand on her hip and steps up behind her. Raidou reaches his other hand for hers, placing his palm over the back and curling his fingers her hand. They can already tell that they are going to come hard. It’s in the way his hand grips hers. He lines himself up, and enters slowly, so she can enjoy the feeling of being filled up.

“You’re so thoughtful,” she sighs. Raidou smirks.

“I try,” he says. They both groan when he hits bottom.

“Raidou,” she sighs, turning her head to look up at him. “I want you to hurt me.”

“Hurt you?” he asks, “soft or hard?” Yuugao bites her lip, weighing her two options.

“Soft and slow.” She says, “you know, agonizing.”

“Agony. That, I can do.” He says, beginning to move.

“There’s nothing you can’t do, and nothing I wouldn’t let you do to me,” she sighs, leaning forward.

“Maybe I’ll test that theory one day,” he hums. He pulls out slow, and then enters even more slowly. Yuugao raises her hips and touches her chest to the counter, so the most sensitive, ache-y part of her body gets stroked. The place that sits in front of her tailbone. She’d have gone insane long ago, if not for him. That one little part of her has been causing her nothing but grief, and Raidou is the only one who knows how to soothe it right.

It’s funny, how he can make her feel two things, very intensely, at once. She wants nothing more than to throw her hips back at him, but he is also soothing her the deeper he goes. She moans, because that’s the only sensible response. Battering can also be soft and slow; Raidou is shattering something inside of her, driving into it with a tenderness that makes Yuugao forget how to speak.

If he had his way, he and Yuugao would stay like this forever. His stomach clenches, and it’s like he can feel how sensitive she is, as if her nerves are his too. Raidou stares down at the back of her neck, thinking about how good this feels. He feels the speedy feeling building in his stomach, and he purposefully slows down, wanting to draw it out. Yuugao moves a hand between her legs, and Raidou can tell from the ugly noises she is making that she is ready for him to drive them home. When he begins to pick up the pace, she turns her head to look at him.

“Hurt me,” she says, “leave a mark.” So, Raidou leans over her and takes the back edge of her shoulder in his teeth. He bites down, holding her in place as Yuugao cries out for him. They finish together, before Raidou stands up.

“Don’t step away,” Yuugao whines. She hasn’t let his hand go.

“Yuugao,” he says gently.

“I don’t want to be empty again,” she says. Raidou’s stomach pulls at the edge of fear in her voice.

“We need to clean up.” It’s not that bad, really. He feels her sigh around his dick, and he watches her pull herself up tall. His teeth left a bruise that is already purpling. He winces when he pulls away, and Yuugao turns around and gives him a sad look.

“We’re always going to be apart,” she says quietly. Raidou frowns. They both know that they can’t share a body.

“It looks that way,” he replies. His mouth tastes coppery. He looks down at the mess of semen and menstrual blood on his dick. “Do you still ache?”

“Not at the moment,” she sighs, picking up her tank top and taking his dick in her hand. She wipes the worst away, and he watches her. She looks up and catches him staring. “What?”

“Nothing,” he says, smiling.

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” she says, looking for her underwear. He walks over to the sink to wash his face and rinse his mouth with water while she pulls on her underwear.

“I’m going to go shower,” she says. “You should join me.” Raidou wipes the water from his face.

“I’ll clean up in here first,” he says. Yuugao watches him pull out the disinfectant, smiling at him.

“I’ll wait here,” she says. Raidou gives her a look, but shrugs. She could watch him clean all day. Her tummy twitches, and she thinks about how happy she is to have ended up with him.

**

Raidou sits next to Kurenai on the couch, watching her dumb alien show. Who would have thought that there are people who dedicate their entire lives to proving aliens exist? He shouldn’t be surprised, but he is. “Do you really think there’s life on Mars?” he asks, watching Kurenai sip her water. She hums.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” she says. Nothing surprises her, not really, these days. Some man with a wacky haircut and ugly bowtie is talking about ‘primitive people,’ such is the softball racism of middle-aged white men more interested in outer space than the world around them.

“Why do you watch these people?” Raidou asks. If he has to listen to another far-fetched case for mythology being an actual encounter with aliens, he is going to rip his ears off.

“Dunno,” Kurenai says, “grief does funny things.” The world is absurd, without Asuma. Life on Mars seems plausible if she is alive while he is dead. Raidou sighs loudly.

“I’m going to therapy,” he says. Kurenai looks over at him, her head tilted.

“Really?” she asks. She didn’t think that Raidou would be truly capable of that kind of introspection. He’s not stupid. He just prefers to not look at the parts of himself that he doesn’t like. “How is it?”

“It okay,” he says, “it’s a lot of stepping back, re-evaluating things in my life.” Shin says that Raidou needs to learn how to prioritize what he wants, rather than what he thinks other people want.

It’s been a very hard behavior to unlearn. He kicks himself whenever he shrugs off chances to express his preferences. Change starts in the little things; it’s easier to ask Yuugao to scramble his eggs rather than tell her that they need to talk about his needs from their relationship. Turns out, it doesn’t take a lot for him to feel greedy. He hasn’t even broached the subject of Kurenai with Shin. The only time Raidou has been able to successfully assert a preference was when Shin said that Kurenai seems to be coming up a lot and they should talk about her, to which Raidou gave a hard ‘no.’ He doesn’t have a backbone when it comes to her, so much as he gets defensive when other people bring her up. Shin said they needed to talk about her sometime, but they could do it when Raidou is ready. 

Kurenai looks at Raidou, who is frowning at the television. She is self-aware. Kurenai knows that, if there is anyone in his life whose presence needs to be re-evaluated, it is hers.

“Am I one of those things?” she asks. Raidou blinks, looking at her.

“Why would you ask that?” he replies. Kurenai frowns.

“Because I make your life difficult.” She looks down at her big stomach. “I’ve really hurt you.” She has maimed him, emotionally speaking. He has every right to never speak to her again. Raidou sighs at the sadness in her voice.

“I’ve never, for one second, doubted having you in my life.” He smiles when she looks at him.

“That was smooth,” she says, smiling. Raidou grins.

“There’s a reason I was able to bag the prettiest girls in Konoha.” Kurenai, Yuugao, Shizune. _You’re three for three_ , Aoba once said. Shizune never fell in love with him, but Kurenai and Yuugao more than make up for it. They each love him on an infinite scale, the kind that expands beyond the known universe. _That_ makes him feel _real_ lucky.

“You’re also really good at sex,” Kurenai grins. It’s not her pervy one, but its cousin, her all-knowing smile.

“Everyone has a talent,” he drawls. It’s not a very useful one, but it is a good one to have. Kurenai smiles at him.

“I won’t lie to you,” she says, “I miss you.” Raidou smiles.

“We made some good memories together,” he says.

They stare at each other for a long minute. They aren’t going to kiss, but that’s just because they don’t have to in order to feel connected to each other.

“We really did,” she says quietly. Raidou’s mouth twitches, and she can tell that he is about to ask her an uncomfortable question.

“You were happy with Asuma, right?” he asks, carefully. Kurenai presses her lips together. The truth is awkward. She loves Asuma, and she misses him, profoundly. But she would be lying if she said she was happy all the time, or that there were moments where she didn’t want to wake up next to Raidou.

“Yes,” she says quietly, “I was very happy with Asuma. Like you and Yuugao.” Raidou frowns and turns away from Kurenai.

“Yeah,” he says, “like me and Yuugao.” Their silence is awkward, because they both know that Raidou and Yuugao aren’t completely happy. He hasn’t said much, beyond telling her that he and Yuugao have some hard days. The truth is worse: their love is so intense, and the sex is so good, that it is easy for Raidou and Yuugao to find other things to do instead of talking about their problems. Nothing gets fixed because it’s easier to ignore it. Raidou hasn’t said anything, but Kurenai went through a version of this with him, so she knows what he looks like when he is avoiding a difficult conversation.

“Are you staying for dinner?” she asks. “We could watch a movie later.” She smiles softly at him. Raidou crosses his arms. Yuugao went out tonight, so he has nowhere else to be.

“That’d be nice,” he smiles. Kurenai kisses his cheek and stands up, leaving him on the couch. It makes him feel dumb happy.

**

Yuugao isn’t just tipsy. She is actually quite drunk. Yamato and Kakashi can tell by the dumb smile on her face. Yuugao isn’t a very smile-ly person. She walks between them, humming, and while Kakashi is hypothetically talking to both of them, Yamato can tell that he is really only talking to Yuugao.

“You know what I like about you Kakashi?” she asks. Yamato cringes on the inside. Watching the two of them circle each other has been one of the strangest things he has seen. Kakashi never tries with girls. He doesn’t do the chasing. But all evening, it’s been _what do you think Yuugao_ or _Yuugao, how do you feel?_

Yamato thought about mentioning Raidou, just to re-inject a sense of reality into this evening, but he can tell, the way all friends do, that Yuugao and Kakashi want to live in their bubble.

“What do you like about me, Yuugao?” Kakashi asks. Yamato steps back, following them.

“I can’t bum you out,” she says, “you are _impossible_ to bum out.” Kakashi laughs quickly, because that isn’t true. He is simply a high-functioning depressed person. But, to be fair, it’s been years since he has felt that way. She smiles up at him, and it’s real, so he doesn’t pull away when she touches his arm. He always got the Kurenai thing, and over the past few months, he can say, with complete and utter sincerity, that he gets the Yuugao thing.

Yamato decides, at this point, that it is time for him to bail on this evening. He isn’t close with Raidou, but he doesn’t want to watch this, and Yuugao and Kakashi are too old for him to tell them what to do.

“I’ve got to go,” Yamato declares. Kakashi shrugs, but Yuugao frowns and stops. It’s not a huge surprise that she is the one who wants him to stick around, but he appreciates it, nonetheless.

“But I want to keep drinking,” she says. Kakashi gives her a serious look, which Yamato doesn’t miss.

“I need to get some sleep,” he says. “I don’t have your stamina.” She’s drunk, so she goes in for a hug. Yamato sort of has to catch her, and he has to suppress a laugh when she kisses the side of his head.

“I am going to miss you,” she sighs.

“I’m just going home.” He replies as she releases him. She pouts and tilts her head.

“But you never have time for me.” She whines. Yamato grins.

“Blame Kakashi. He is the one who has me running around all the time.” Yuugao must be very drunk, because she leans up and kisses his forehead.

“Bye,” she says quietly. “See you later.” She gives him a little wave, and Yamato looks at Kakashi, hoping that he will do the right thing and just take Yuugao home. Kakashi’s expression doesn’t change, but his gaze softens when Yuugao turns back to look at him.

“I’m taking you home,” he says in a quiet voice.

“I want to keep drinking,” she whines. Kakashi shrugs.

“I don’t want to. Do you want to drink alone?” Yuugao frowns, but she follows him. Yamato nods, choosing to believe that Kakashi and Yuugao are going to do the right thing.

The night is cold, and Yuugao is holding herself. “Why do you want to keep drinking?” Kakashi asks, as her building comes into view.

“Because I don’t wanna go home.” Yuugao says, looking up at him. “Don’t make me go home.” Kakashi’s stomach lurches. After a life of near-death experiences, he supposes that he ought to live life to the fullest. To not always make the sensible decision. Even make the selfish decision.

He hasn’t been _intentionally_ developing feelings for Yuugao. They just sort of…happened. Or, to be precise, they started growing, and Kakashi passively nurtured them. He doesn’t delude himself. Yuugao only gives him time of day because she doesn’t know how to tell Raidou how she feels. He doesn’t feel good about it, but he doesn’t feel bad either. Kakashi would say that he is ambivalent.

“Well, why don’t you want to go home?” he asks, “you’re babbling.” Yuugao puffs her cheeks.

“Because Raidou isn’t there. Not the way I want him to be.” He is probably passed out in bed, after spending the evening with Kurenai. She doesn’t know what they talk about, neither does she care. She likes Kakashi because she doesn’t look at him and think about babies, or a future, or anything that she has ever wanted really.

Kakashi looks at her, thinking. She sees the moment he decides to relent. His shoulders droop, and he looks up to the night sky. “Okay,” he says, “I have some beer at home.” _I am going to regret it_.

**

Raidou, sprawled sideways on the couch, lies his head on Kurenai’s thigh. She pokes the tip of her finger into the shell of his ear, and he doesn’t even flinch. Like most people who have touched all the soft parts of each other’s bodies, Raidou and Kurenai don’t find it weird to be intimate. It’s comforting.

The credits are playing, and Raidou’s body feels heavy. “What time is it?” he groans. Kurenai looks out at the dark sky, then the clock on her wall.

“10 PM.” She says. Raidou sighs and sits up. He yawns a little, making a soft noise that makes Kurenai melt a little inside. He sounds a bit like a dove, when he does that.

“I need to go see Yuugao,” he says, “I want to make it work.” Kurenai smiles.

“You two are going to be fine,” she says. Raidou looks uncertain.

“I hope so,” he says.

“You’re the best at sex,” she says, “you’ve got this.” Raidou scoffs.

“You’re pregnant with another man’s baby.” He pokes her stomach. Kurenai shrugs.

“It isn’t the most shocking thing I’ve said,” she says, “I’ve told you that your semen is my favorite.” Raidou laughs, flopping back against the couch.

“You know, I want to cringe when I think about it, but it still makes me feel like a winner.” He grins at her, so big she can see all of his teeth.

“You should feel honoured.” She says. Raidou leans forward and kisses her forehead. His mouth is soft, and she really wants to feel it all over her face. She closes her eyes and pretends that they live in that world.

Raidou stands up, putting his hands on his hips. “I better get going.”

“Get home safe,” she says, watching him slip on his shoes.

“I always do,” he says. “Genma should be here soon.” Raidou walks to the front door and opens the lock.

“I love you,” she says from the couch. Raidou blinks at her. He smiles softly.

“I am going to lock the door behind me,” he says, pulling out his keys. It’s his own _I love you_. Kurenai smiles when she hears the lock turn.

**

Yuugao lies on Kakashi’s couch. He opened a beer for her, but it is untouched. She has her hands over her eyes, and she yawns. Her calves are on Kakashi’s lap, but he ignores them. She sits up on her elbows, her hair in an off-centre ponytail. It sits just left of the crown of her head, making her seem younger than she is.

“Kakashi,” she says, “what do you think of words?”

“Words?” he asks. She nods. He never pegged her for the philosophical type, but he doesn’t see why that matters now. “Words are the things you have you use in order to tell people what you want.”

“Do you think there is a gap between what we want to say, and the words that are available?” she asks. Kakashi blinks.

“Like?”

“Well,” she says, “do you ever feel something that you can’t put into words? The frustrating feeling when there are no words for a thing you really want to talk about?” Yuugao sits up, resting her elbows on her thighs. Kakashi sets his beer down on the coffee table. He looks at her, lazily, and she thinks about the fact that while he has been drinking with him for months, she has never seen his face.

“Can’t say I do.” He deadpans. Yuugao feels a familiar buzz, and she thinks about her sex dreams with him. “You’re staring.” He puts a hand on her shin. Yuugao is wearing her work clothes, minus the grey vest. He can see that she wears clothes that are a size too big. Kakashi wonders why. He wants to ask, but it’s the kind of question that would be rude.

Raidou doesn’t talk about Yuugao much. It’s something Kakashi has noticed in the last few months. Raidou never talks about his relationships, like they are so precious to him that he wants to protect them. Kakashi gets it. Kurenai and Yuugao are both hot, but in getting to know Yuugao, he understands that her looks aren’t her most attractive quality. She is someone who always makes you feel something; you can’t be around her and not have a strong emotional response. He wonders if Kurenai is similar. He would say that he knows her well, but he never spent time alone with her.

Yuugao moves her legs off of his lap and shifts to curl them under her. She frowns. “I’m not staring. You’re just the only other person here.”

“You have me there,” he sighs. They stare at each other for another moment, and Yuugao doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or her loneliness or the fact that she will never be a mother, but she leans towards him and he meets her. Yuugao does ask; she simply hooks her fingers into his mask and pulls it down.

It’s weird seeing his face. It doesn’t really even seem like him. Yuugao puts her fingers on it, exploring. Kakashi just looks at her, curious. Raidou is the one she wants, but he isn’t here. Yuugao leans in and presses her mouth to Kakashi, and he helps her climb onto his lap. It’s messy but it’s fun to have his tongue in her mouth. He touches her waist, back; the little dip of her spine. Yuugao is, of course, a good kisser. It’s a little sloppy, because she is drunk, but she is gentle. Kissing her feels like she is beckoning for his soul to leave his body. _How come she and Raidou don’t do this all the time?_ Whatever, it’s Kakashi’s gain.

He grins when they break apart, and she takes her shirt off. Her bra is the sexy, unlined kind, and he grins when he sees her nipple ring under the sheer, pink mesh. He pokes it, and she rolls her eyes.

“This is cute.” He says. Yuugao smiles.

“You should see the tattoo on my ass,” she says, leaning into him. Kakashi tilts his head.

“You have a tattoo on your ass?” he asks. It’s not what he would expect from a girl like her. She nods. She got it to make Raidou smile, like she got her nipple ring to prove to Hayate that she was an adult. Her smile falters as she remembers them. Raidou is the only person who should see her tattoo.

She kisses Kakashi instead of answering his question, and he lets it go, until he can’t ignore the fact that they are doing something bad. “Yuugao,” he sighs, pulling back. He puts his hand on her cheek to stop her. He sticks his thumb under and along her jaw. “We should stop.” She doesn’t say anything, and it hurts his feelings. “You can stay on the couch.”

“Okay,” she sighs. Kakashi frowns.

“This will be a lot better when you dump Raidou,” he mutters. Yuugao frowns and gets off of his lap. She doesn’t say anything, but he can tell that she is upset. “Yuugao,” he says. She turns back to look at him, her eyes dark and unreadable. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” she says, “we did this together.” She bends over to pick up her shirt, and Kakashi thinks about the fact that she has a nipple ring and a tattoo on her ass. He frowns when he sees the purple bruise on her shoulder, presumably left by Raidou. He wonders what other secrets she has, and he feels a wave of jealousy when he remembers that Raidou probably knows them all.

**

Before Raidou wakes up, he rolls over, expecting the soft, warm weight of Yuugao. When he feels nothing, he blinks awake. He sits up slowly, looking all around him. _Yuugao didn’t come home last nigh_ t. He tries not to panic. She is Anbu. She is probably sleeping it off at a friend’s place. He sits up and tries to keep himself from freaking out. Raidou is a calm person, but Yuugao’s unexplained absence has him on edge.

He gets up and goes to the kitchen to make coffee. A small, routine task that gives him a sense of normalcy. Everything is going to be okay. He bites his thumbnail, trying to think of a way to occupy his mind while the coffee maker does its thing. He decides to try talking about his uncomfortable feelings. He picks up the phone and dials the only number he has memorized.

Holding the phone to his ear, he sighs when he hears Kurenai’s voice. “Hello?” she asks in her sleep voice.

“Hi,” he says.

“What’s up,” she yawns. He has to focus on not yawning back.

“Yuugao didn’t come home last night.” He says. On her end, Kurenai frowns.

“She didn’t come home?” Kurenai blinks. _Who wouldn’t go home to Raidou?_

“Yeah,” he says, “I haven’t tried to call her or anything.” He swallows, looking out the kitchen window. He’s standing over the counter where he fucked her, the last time she had her period.

“She’s probably just sleeping it off somewhere,” Kurenai replies.

“I know,” he says softly, “I just…it’s been hard. It’s like we are on one big edge.”

“Edge?” she asks.

“Yeah.” He says quietly, even though he is the only one in the room. “I mean, with infertility, and work and me spending time with you, it’s like I never see her.” He pauses. “I think Kakashi has a crush on her.” Kurenai laughs. “It’s not funny!”

“It kinda is,” Kurenai says, “Kakashi had a crush on me and you never freaked out like this.” Raidou frowns.

“You never made a habit of spending time with him.” Kurenai’s face twists, and something ugly sparks in her.

“Seriously?” she says.

“Uh-huh,” he replies.

“Well,” she says, “I doubt it’s a big deal. She’s probably bored. No way she is seriously entertaining him.” _Not when she has you_. Raidou sighs.

“You’re right.” He says. “I’m just…sometimes we feel so distant, and other times, it’s like we are completely connected.” He sighs. “I’ve never dealt with something like this.”

“Raidou, you need to calm down,” Kurenai sits up. She hasn’t gotten out of bed. Genma is blinking at her, clearly annoyed that she is talking so early in the morning. She mouths Raidou’s name, so Genma rolls over and puts a pillow over his head instead of complaining.

“I know,” he says, “I just feel like something is wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong,” she says. “You two are just going through some shit.”

“It feels like that is everything I’m going through.” He frowns. Kurenai’s face softens.

“It’s going to be okay.” She says.

“Yeah.” He sighs. Raidou doesn’t hear the click of the lock, or Yuugao as she steps inside. “Thanks, Kurenai. You’re the best.” He sighs, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He turns around and blinks when he sees Yuugao, who is staring at him. “I’ve got to go.”

“Is she back?” she asks.

“Yeah, Yuugao’s home.” Raidou doesn’t take his eyes off of Yuugao.

She doesn’t look like she has slept well, and she is holding herself. Yuugao looks right at him. It’s clear that she isn’t happy to walk in on him talking to Kurenai.

“Okay. Let me know what happens.” Kurenai says. “I love you.” Genma pokes his head out from under the pillow and glares at her. She doesn’t look at him.

“Okay.” Raidou says, hanging up the phone. He and Yuugao blink at each other for a bit, unsure of how to precede. “Where were you last night?”

“Out,” she replies softly.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “Are you hurt?” Yuugao tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.

“I’m alright,” she says quietly. The entire walk home, she’s been beating herself up over what happened with Kakashi. Coming home and hearing Raidou talking to Kurenai on the phone completely changed her mind.

“We need to talk about it,” Raidou says, not sure as to what ‘it’ exactly is, but he knows ‘it’ exists. Yuugao does too.

“I want to shower,” she replies. Raidou nods.

“The coffee will be cold by the time you’re done.” He says. Yuugao nods. “Can we talk after?” Yuugao nods.

“Yeah.” She says in a flat voice. Raidou watches her walk to the shower, before pouring himself a cup of coffee. He is not looking forward to their conversation.

**

_How did we get here?_ Raidou hasn’t had to ask himself this question in three years. Yuugao sits on their couch, her legs and arms crossed, and he tries not to think about what happened when he and Kurenai were hashing out their relationship. Raidou leans against the wall opposite of her, arms crossed. Yuugao meets his gaze without any fear or hesitation. It is a rare person who can do that. _You’re special_. She’s his equal. It’s why he isn’t just running away from his problems.

It dawns on him, when he watched her check her phone and smile after her shower. There is somebody else. Maybe not physically—Yuugao wouldn’t have sex with someone else—but emotionally. There is someone who is, slowly but surely, taking his place. Yuugao is allowing it. _That_ is what bothers him.

“You like someone else, don’t you?” he says. Yuugao shifts. He can tell she feels uncomfortable.

“You’ve liked someone else the whole time,” she replies. He deserves that one, but his jaw ticks, nonetheless.

“That’s not fair,” he replies. He and Kurenai are just friends. Fuck, she is carrying someone else’s baby, and when he spends the night at her place, more often than not, he has to sleep beside her because she can’t sleep without someone there. Sometimes, Raidou finds it hard to sleep next to Kurenai. It feels too much like an alternate universe or a previously dead future, and then he feels bad because Yuugao can’t have a baby. So no, it isn’t fair to say that he has liked Kurenai this whole time. He chose Yuugao, but Kurenai needs him. _You wouldn’t love me if I was the kind of person who would walk away from her._ It’s a cop out but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

“What’s not fair is you spending all your time with Kurenai.” Yuugao holds herself. She has never fought with Raidou like this. She hasn’t done anything more than kissing with Kakashi, but she has thought about it. Dreamt it.

She shouldn’t have gotten drunk with him or had him walk her home. She shouldn’t have slept on Kakashi’s couch or tried to fuck him. _This will be a lot better when you dump Raidou_. Yuugao ought to be indignant that Kakashi spoke about her and Raidou like the demise of their relationship was a _when_ and not an _if_.

“Don’t bring her into this.” He sighs, walking towards her. “She lost Asuma.”

“And I’m losing you.” Yuugao replies, sticking her lower lip out.

“You’re not losing me,” he says, “I love you.” Yuugao doesn’t look him in the eye. He tilts his head, thinking. “Where did you sleep last night?”

“Nowhere,” she huffs.

“That’s a lie,” he replies, rubbing his face.

“Well shit, what am I supposed to do when you’re not around? Stare at a wall?” Raidou lowers his hands and looks at Yuugao. She watches the realization dawn on his face. He doesn’t know that she straddled Kakashi and yanked his mask down or had his tongue in her mouth. But he knows that there is someone.

“We know him.” Raidou’s eyes are wide, inhaling deep into his chest, down into his stomach. “He’s a friend.”

“Raidou,” she sighs, her eyes sad. Suddenly, it all clicks.

“It’s Kakashi, isn’t it?” Raidou is somewhere beyond anger. Just…numb. Yuugao blinks at him, not saying anything. That’s how he knows he is right. “Wow.”

Of all the people he knows, he would never suspect Kakashi to actually act on his crush. He is a trusted friend. Fuck, he pushed them together. Kakashi knows what Kurenai did to Raidou, what losing her did to him. And this is the shit he pulls, not even three years later? Raidou begins to pace around the apartment, massaging his temples. Yuugao looks at him.

“What are you thinking?” she asks. Raidou lets out a cold laugh.

“Do you want me to step aside and hand you off?” he runs a hand through his hair. “Did you fuck him?” Yuugao frowns.

“It’s not like that.”

“Then tell me,” he drawls, “what is it like? What am I supposed to think happened last night, when you slept at the place of the guy you pretty much want to fu—”

“It’s not like that!” Yuugao never raises her voice. “I wouldn’t do that to you.” Raidou exhales. He believes that she didn’t have sex with Kakashi. Raidou, after all, is the cheating asshole in this relationship, albeit reformed. _If you only knew_ , he thinks. Maybe Asuma is doing this from heaven.

“Then what is it like?” he asks, in a deliberate and slow voice. Yuugao sighs.

“I don’t know,” she admits, “all I know is that you leave me all alone.”

“I don’t,” he says. He keeps track. He splits his time equally, when he is in town.

“You are always with _her_.”

“Stop dragging Kurenai into this,” he groans. “This is between you and me.”

“She is between you and me.” Yuugao raises her hands to the ceiling, as if she were yelling at a god. Maybe Asuma’s ghost will appear as some sort of backup. This year has been so fucked up, Raidou wouldn’t be surprised.

“She lost the love of her _life_ , the father of her _child_.” Raidou says this as if Yuugao isn’t keenly aware of what Kurenai lost. _But does it have to come at my expense?_ Yuugao wonders.

“You always take her side.” Yuugao says.

“There are no sides here,” Raidou growls. “She needs me.”

“She needs to grow a fucking backbone,” Yuugao hisses, standing up.

“You don’t mean that,” he says, blinking.

“Yes, I do.” She stands up and puts her hands on her hips. “You’re leaving me behind.”

“Yuugao…”

“Well, you did the same to her, so maybe she and I aren’t different.” Yuugao’s face gets ugly, and Raidou takes a breath to stay calm.

“That’s not what happened.” He says. “I didn’t leave her for you, and I’m not leaving you for her.” Yuugao frowns, and for the first time, he remembers how young she really is.

“You just gave up on her, and you’re going to give up on me!” She says, “I can feel you pulling away.”

“So instead of talking to me, you assume that I am dicking around? And that justifies flirting with our friend?” Raidou’s head hurts. It hasn’t pounded like this since Kurenai screamed at him during that party.

“You don’t listen Raidou!” Yuugao exclaims, “if you paid just a little bit of attention, you would see how I feel.”

“I can’t read your mind, Yuugao.” He huffs, “you need to tell me if I’m hurting you.”

“You should know when some things are hurtful!” Yuugao frowns, “you are the only man I know who would run back to an ex like that and be surprised when your partner is upset.” Raidou exhales through his nose.

“Okay, well, where do we go from here?” he asks. He doesn’t care about being right. He wants to be happy. Raidou wants to go back to when they were all happy. Undo this shitty year. Yuugao sighs, looking at him.

“Honestly?” she says, “I have no fucking clue.”

“Well,” he says, “let’s start with something easy. Why do you think I don’t care?” Raidou is upset that she thinks that their relationship is inconsequential or interchangeable with the one he has with Kurenai. They’re very different.

“Because you are always with her.” Yuugao says. Raidou frowns.

“She’s going through something.” He replies, “and I don’t think you’d like me if I was able to dismiss her.” Yuugao frowns. He isn’t wrong.

“You handed Kurenai over to Asuma,” Yuugao says quietly. Raidou swallows.

“Is that what you want? For me to just give you to Kakashi?” he says.

“No,” she says in a small voice. She likes Kakashi, but he isn’t Raidou. He is a distraction to take the edge off of her loneliness.

“It’s not the same as Kurenai,” Raidou looks right at her. “I chose to be with you, in a deliberate, conscious way. It didn’t just happen. I want this to work.” Yuugao swallows, looking down at the floor.

“I just feel so unbearably lonely,” she says softly. Raidou clenches his jaw.

“So lonely that you are entertaining Kakashi?” he asks. She narrows her eyes at him. “I lived through this before. I don’t want to have to again.” Yuugao walks up to him and takes her hands in his.

“Do you really love me?” she asks. His forehead wrinkles as he thinks through her question.

“Of course, I love you,” he replies. “I want to make a life with you. I want to have children with you.” As soon as he mentions children, her face falls. His thumbs rub her knuckles, and he holds onto her hands tightly.

“We can’t have kids,” she says quietly.

“Yes, we can.” Raidou hears the edge of desperation in his own voice. It sits right under his attempt at reassurance. “Not biologically, but we can have children.” Konoha produces orphans at an astonishing rate.

“You always make it sound like it’s not a big deal,” she says. Big, ugly tears form in the corner of her eyes. “I’m infertile and Kurenai is pregnant. How the fuck is that fair?” Yuugao’s face twists up. Raidou’s mouth forms a line, and he doesn’t reach out to hold her.

“It is a big deal,” he says, “but I’m not going to make you feel worse.” He lets go of her hands, and steps back. “Of course, I’m mad that Asuma and Kurenai are having a baby when we can’t. It kills me to know that I can’t fix it or give you want you want.” He says this quietly, holding his hands to his stomach. It’s like he is pleading for his soul. “I don’t want to talk about how angry and sad I am, because I don’t want you to feel bad.” Yuugao sniffs, and it crushes his heart to see the ugly tears fall down her face.

“I already feel bad.” She cries, “I feel horrible, and you’re always acting like we just need to be positive. It’s like you’re dismissing me, while you’re running to Kurenai over nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” Raidou says. Yuugao cries even harder.

“Are you even listening to me?” she asks, “do you not see how horrible I feel? Why can’t you listen to my pain?”

“I am listening Yuugao,” Raidou finally reaches for her, cupping her elbows. “I just…I didn’t know it was this bad. You should tell me, instead of Kakashi. I’m your partner. I love you.” He watches her, and something in him breaks when she refuses to look at him. Raidou deflates. “Do you believe me when I tell you I love you?”

They both recall their most tender memories together. The days spent at the lake, pressing their thighs together at parties, the sighs and moans. The tenderness and vulnerability with which they’ve treated each other.

But in this moment, despite everything he has said and done, Yuugao can neither confirm or deny whether or not she believes him when he says he loves her. She keeps looking at the ground. It is evident that Kakashi is a symptom, rather than a cause of the problem.

“Who wants to feel alone in their relationship?” Yuugao says quietly. Raidou nods.

“That’s the problem.” Raidou drops his hands. He blinks, rubbing his lips together.

He walks past Yuugao, towards the door. He slips his sandals on, and Yuugao watches him, holding herself. “Where are you going?” she asks in a small voice. Raidou doesn’t say anything, for a minute. “I’m going on a walk,” he says, “I need to clear my head.” He pauses. “Please don’t call Kakashi.” He turns and looks at her. “I’m not going to Kurenai. I promise.” Yuugao nods.

“Okay.”

“I’ll be home later.”

“What does later mean?” she asks, wiping away her tears with the heel of her hand.

“Later means…” he trails off. “At least an hour.” He opens the door. “I’m coming back,” he says. Yuugao nods. “You don’t have to stay up for me.”

“I want to,” she says softly. “It’s you for me too.” Raidou offers her a small smile, and she returns her own, watery and blotchy.

Raidou walks through the door, and spends the next two hours in the office, wishing he didn’t exist.

**

_Genma is the last to move out of the barracks. His apartment is big, open with nice windows. He has a couch and a few chairs, but nothing else. He wants to have a big party before he moves his furniture in. He invited Raidou, Yuugao, Asuma, Kurenai, Shizune, Aoba, Kakashi and Guy. He invited Anko last minute because he didn’t want to look petty. Ibiki declined to attend, which he does with increasing frequency._

_Guy is demonstrating how many push ups he can do with one arm, while Aoba and Shizune watch politely. Anko and Kakashi are deep in conversation about something no one cares about. Everything is as it should be._

_Sitting on his couch, holding an open bag of chips, Genma grins when Kurenai, Raidou, Asuma and Yuugao come over to speak to him. They are all standing, and they all feel kind of ridiculous, but Genma makes no motion to stand up._

_“Kurenai, you are so ugly,” Genma pops a chip into his mouth. “It continually amazes me.” He speaks as he chews._

_“Why don’t you ever say this to other women?” Kurenai frowns. Raidou takes a chip out of the bag he is holding, and Asuma lights a cigarette. Yuugao looks at the two of them, but they seem undisturbed. Bored, even._

_“Other women don’t need to be kept in line,” he drawls. Kurenai frowns, and she hands Asuma her beer, before going over and crawling onto Genma’s lap. He frowns, moving his chips so she doesn’t crush them._

_“Get this hag off of me!” He says, his mouth full._

_“There are plenty of men who would love to have me on top of them,” she replies. Raidou and Asuma exchange a look as Genma’s face twists._

_“Haven’t met a single one of those dudes who didn’t need their heads checked.” He swallows, “would you two want this monster on you?” Genma looks up at Asuma and Raidou._

_“She’s not a hag,” Raidou says. Kurenai frowns at him._

_“Genma, I think you’re taking things too far.” Yuugao says. He shakes his head._

_“If anything, I haven’t gone far enough,” he sighs, “Kurenai, remember when we did coke all the time?” Kurenai puffs her cheeks and puts her arms around his neck. Yuugao looks at Asuma and Raidou who, once again, act like this is normal._

_“We were such fun cokeheads.” She replies, and Genma nods with a big smile. Asuma snorts._

_“No, you weren’t,” he replies. “All you two would do is rail coke, dance, and then call each other names.”_

_“It was predictable.” Raidou stuffs a chip into his mouth._

_“Oh, please. Kurenai and I got along fine,” he shakes his chip bag at Raidou, “her and Raidou, on the other hand, were fucking monsters. I will forever remember the time they argued over which is better: frozen or dried and unsweetened mango. I lost braincells.” Genma says. Kurenai rolls her eyes._

_“I was clearly right.” Kurenai says._

_“No, you weren’t. Dried, unsweetened mango is practical, and you can take it with you on missions. It’s a better texture.” Raidou frowns._

_“Asuma, what do you think?” Kurenai asks, making her eyes big._

_“He has no tastebuds left. His opinion counts for nothing.” Raidou jumps in. Yuugao puts her hand on his back, patting him between his shoulder blades._

_“You can’t speak for him!” Kurenai replies. Asuma takes a chip out of the bag Raidou is holding._

_“Actually, he can,” Asuma says, “I don’t mind.” Kurenai pouts as Raidou pumps a fist into the air. Yuugao sips her beer, wondering how this came to be her life._

_“Kurenai is ugly but she’s smart,” Genma says, “sorry Raidou, frozen mango is better.”_

_“Ha!” Kurenai twists around, pointing at Raidou, who frowns._

_“A girl is either pretty or smart,” Genma shrugs, “it’s okay Raidou. Kurenai still loses in something.”_

_“That is sexist, Genma,” Kurenai turns back to look at him. His eyes widen in an expression of faux innocence._

_“I, for one, am pleasantly surprised that Asuma cares more about smarts than looks. It adds depth to his character.” Genma snickers at the look on Kurenai’s face._

_“You are such an asshole,” she says, still sitting on top of him._

_“Hey, I kissed you first!” He says, “I can say what I want.”_

_“Kissing doesn’t count,” Kurenai retorts. She doesn’t really want to go over her sexual history while Asuma, Raidou and Yuugao are right there._

_“What, did you want me to stick my dick in you?” Genma squawks. Asuma and Raidou both snicker at that one. Kurenai turns her head over her shoulder and glares at them. Both their faces immediately fall into stern expressions. She turns back to Genma, a viperous look in her eyes._

_“Yes!” She says. Genma wrinkles his nose._

_“Gross!” He replies. Kurenai wraps her arms around him, smiling._

_“Oh, we’d have fun.” She grins so he can see her canines._

_“This is sexual harassment,” he replies._

_“And insulting my looks isn’t?” she asks, batting her eyelashes. Genma snorts._

_“It doesn’t count because I’m not into you,” he replies, “would you like me to count the ways in which you make my dick shrivel up?”_

_As Genma freestyles an ode to Kurenai’s hideousness, Yuugao looks at Asuma and Raidou, who are watching. Asuma, who finished his cigarette and tucked the butt into his pocket, is sipping Kurenai’s forgotten beer. Raidou is still going to town on those chips, which is unusual for him._

_“Shouldn’t you two intervene?” she asks. Asuma and Raidou both turn to look at her, blinking. They look at each other, before looking back at her._

_“She likes it when he calls her ugly,” Asuma replies. Raidou nods, before snickering to himself._

_“Remember the time he said that he would rather have sex with the bloated, rotting corpse of a beached whale?” Raidou asks. Asuma grins._

_“That was so funny.” They chuckle, before remembering that Yuugao is there. She is blinking at them, her head tilted. “And very inappropriate,” Asuma adds._

_“Very rude.” Raidou says. “Necrophilia and bestiality are no joke.” Asuma snorts. Yuugao rolls her eyes._

_“He never says this stuff about anyone else,” she says, watching Genma tell Kurenai that her teeth are too big for her mouth and her smile is too vicious to be considered pretty._

_“Because everyone else is an option.” Raidou pops a chip into his mouth._

_“Which do you think is worse: being someone Genma wants to have sex with, or he doesn’t want to have sex with?” Asuma asks. Raidou frowns, thinking._

_“Are you two serious?” Yuugao asks._

_“Deadly,” Asuma replies, grinning. He has a very disarming smile. It always surprises Yuugao. Raidou tilts his head, and eyes Anko._

_“Let’s ask Anko.” He straightens his head and looks at Genma. “Hey, Genma, we’re gonna ask Anko how much it sucks to be pursued by you. I bet flirting with you is worse than you calling Kurenai ugly for the last two decades.” Raidou grins at the frown on Genma’s face and Asuma cackles._

_“Don’t make fun of him!” Kurenai hugs Genma defensively._

_“We’re just defending you’re honor.” Asuma drains the beer._

_“It’s low bringing Anko into it.” Kurenai glares. Genma sticks his tongue out from behind her. Asuma rolls his eyes, and Raidou shrugs._

_“Don’t complain if we hesitate next time.” Raidou replies._

_“Oh please,” Genma says, “you two were just trying to show Yuugao that you aren’t total assholes.” He restrains himself from asking Asuma if his type is whoever Raidou is fucking._

_“So nasty. So rude.” Raidou hums. He offers Yuugao the bag of chips, and she takes them. He puts an arm around her waist, and Genma rolls his eyes. Kurenai blinks, but it’s been a year. It doesn’t stab her, anymore. Spotting the tension, Genma squeezes her waist._

_“Hey, Kurenai,” Genma says, “think fast!” He rolls them over and she kicks him off. Genma lands with a thud on the floor, cackling._

**

Raidou keeps toying with the chain around his neck. Kakashi sits across from him at the bar, reading one of his romance novels while Guy goes on about some sort of exercise regimen. Aoba sort of nods along, while Genma chews on his senbon, looking between Kakashi and Raidou, who haven’t spoken directly to each other all evening. Yamato looks between them too, and it strikes Raidou that he probably already knows what happened.

Raidou has to admit it. It sucks knowing your girlfriend is into someone else, let alone, entertaining them as an actual option.

“Kakashi,” Raidou says, “can I ask you a question?” Guy stops speaking, and he and Aoba quickly figure out that there is something happening between Raidou and Kakashi.

“I don’t know, can you?” Kakashi drawls. Raidou frowns at the passive-aggressive remark. Yuugao made it sound like she just wanted attention. But it would seem that, perhaps, Kakashi wants more. The revelation doesn’t sit well with Raidou.

“When were you going to tell me that you want to fuck my girlfriend?” Raidou says. Everyone at the table falls silent. Aoba’s mouth hangs open while Guy presses his lips together. Genma blinks, and Yamato looks a little panicked.

Kakashi, at the very least, looks guilty. He swallows. He won’t deny it, and he has the self-awareness to know that he isn’t in the position to defend himself. Raidou, in many ways, will always be the older boy who started kissing girls first, and well, Yuugao clearly prefers him. It doesn’t feel very nice to just be a distraction. Kakashi doesn’t like being in the wrong; he knows morality is a construct, but it makes him uncomfortable when he does something that is, objectively, bad. Sasuke was right when he said that Kakashi likes telling other people what to do too much.

Besides, all plausible deniability was murdered when Kakashi let Yuugao, in a moment of vulnerability, in the moment he should have said ‘no,’ kiss him. Raidou’s eyes are boring right into his, and Kakashi feels embarrassed.

“Is this true?” Genma asks. Kakashi blinks. It’s a yes. Raidou slams his hands on the table and stands up.

“I’m done here,” he says, “have a good night.” He pulls a few bills out of his pocket and throws them down on the table. He doesn’t even bother turning to look back as he leaves the bar.

Raidou walks to the only person he knows, in a million years, will never want to pursue Yuugao. He knocks on Kurenai’s door, once, twice, as she waddles over to meet him. He looks down at her stomach. He loves her and her baby, but they are a painful reminder of what he can’t give Yuugao. _Everywhere I go, it hurts_. She looks up at him, concerned. It’s Genma’s night to stay with her.

“Is there something wrong?” she asks. Raidou swallows.

“Can I come in?” he asks. She nods, opening the door. He slips off his sandals and sits on the couch, elbows on his knees. He looks like he wants to be sick.

“Yuugao has been talking to Kakashi,” he says, “apparently I haven’t been doing enough, so she decided to go ‘talk’ to my friend.” Kurenai frowns.

“You already told me this. Is she cheating on you?” she asks. Raidou sighs.

“No. My guess is she’s doing what you did, where, instead of telling me what’s wrong, she is just going to get a new guy.” He rubs his face, “and the new guy never fixes the problem.” Kurenai nods. She is keenly aware of how true this all is. 

“So, why are you here?” she asks softly, walking over to the couch.

“Because you don’t want to fuck Yuugao,” he pauses. “It really sucks dating girls everyone else wants to bang.”

“So, we were dating,” Kurenai smiles, feeling a little vindicated. Raidou makes a sad smile, like he wishes he could go back.

“A version of it.” His reply is soft. Kurenai touches his arm, but he doesn’t look at her. It makes her feel bad, to know that he is going through all of this again. “I haven’t been spending enough time with her. She thinks I don’t care about the infertility thing, and look, I do. It makes me feel powerless and inadequate to know that I can’t fix it. But I also don’t care.” He puts hand over Kurenai’s, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles. “We can still have kids. She is still my family. She is still the person I want to be with. Infertility changes things, but it doesn’t destroy them.” Raidou doesn’t look like he is going to cry, but Kurenai opens her arms anyway. She’s going to be a mom, and that seems like the mom thing to do. Raidou slumps into her, and it feels good to feel his weight against her.

She runs her hand through his hair, rubbing his head. He sighs against her and closes his eyes. He missed her smell, her hands. He loves Yuugao and he doesn’t regret choosing her, not yet at least, but it would be a lie to say that he never missed Kurenai over the past three and a half years.

“Do you think you and Yuugao will work it out?” she asks. Raidou buries his face into her sternum.

“I don’t know.” He sighs.

“Do you want to?” she asks, softer. Raidou nods.

“I really, really do.” He sighs, “I just don’t know if we can fix it.”

“She’s not the type to sleep around,” Kurenai reassures him. “She isn’t like us.” Raidou frowns.

“That’s different. We weren’t sleeping around. You and I were in love.” _You’re my soulmate_. It doesn’t make a difference, except it does. “I still really, really love you. I don’t care how that sounds. It’s true. And there is no fucking way that Yuugao feels that way about Kakashi.” If she did, she would have left Raidou. Of this, he is certain. Kakashi knows too. That’s why he said nothing at the bar. Kurenai rubs his back. “I asked Kakashi when he was going to tell me that he wants to have sex with Yuugao.” Raidou says.

“Did you really?” she asks, amused. Raidou smiles.

“You know, it felt good to watch him sit there and take it.” He says, “if I weren’t so angry with him, I would be proud that he took it like a man.” Kurenai smiles and kisses the top of Raidou’s head.

“Where’s Yuugao?” she asks.

“On a mission.” He replies.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?” she asks softly. Raidou nods, and Kurenai can’t help but feel good.

She leaves a note for Genma at the door. He just sighs when he sees it. _Predictable_ , he thinks. Yuugao really and truly fucked things up even more spectacularly than Asuma. 

**

The next morning, Raidou wakes up with his face pressed into Kurenai’s back. The dawn light is blue, gauzy. He screws his eyes shut and presses his face into her back. She grunts, clearly awake too. “It’s hard to get comfortable,” she says softly. Raidou rolls onto his back, looking at the back of her head.

“I can imagine.” Raidou doesn’t know how pregnant people do it. Carrying a baby inside them, waddling around, giving up their life force to a little being they haven’t met yet. _That’s_ real love.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Horrible.” Raidou sits up, rubbing his eyes. Kurenai sits up, watching the long line of his back. His pretty little spine. She wants to run her finger from the knot at the top down the dip to the top of his tailbone.

“That bad, still.” She states.

“Yeah. Still.” Raidou sighs. “It’s just…” he trails off.

“Just what?” Kurenai asks. She stands up, walking to the foot of the bed to sit in front of him. Raidou doesn’t look at her. “Look at me, Raidou.”

“It’s just hard always feeling like I’m a choice, you know?” he says, looking at his hands.

“What do you mean, choice?” Kurenai asks softly.

“Like I’m expendable to people I care about.” He picks at a callus on his palm. “Like, I know Yuugao and you would be okay without me, but it hurts feeling like you two can just cast me off and forget me.” Raidou’s voice is small. He is ashamed to admit that it still bothers him, all these years later, that Kurenai chose someone else.

“That’s not true,” Kurenai says, “Yuugao did a stupid thing.”

“You did the same thing.” He says quietly. Kurenai bites her lip.

“She’s never going to do better.” Kurenai says quietly. Asuma had been a beloved figure. Kakashi is a living legend. They are both stronger than him. _But there is only one Raidou_. He looks up at her, his brows furrowed.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“When we visited your brother’s grave, and you told me that you chose Yuugao, Asuma and I were on a break.” Kurenai picks up his hand and squeezes it in both of hers. “You were my first choice. You were first, not Asuma.”

Tears well up on the corners of her eyes. She tells him this now because Raidou needs to hear it. His eyes are wide. He doesn’t know what to say. Raidou wants to be angry, but it just hurts, all over. It hurts to look at her, her belly, to think about Asuma’s ghost and Yuugao’s infertility and well, all of it.

“Why are you telling me this?” he asks, not pulling away. Kurenai’s lips press together into a twist.

“Because you needed to hear it.” She sets his hand down gently before standing up. “Are you staying for breakfast?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he says, squeezing the hand she had held in his other one. She walks over to the door and turns back to look at him.

“You’re not expendable.” Kurenai says. “Not to me. Not to Yuugao.”

“How do you know that?” Raidou asks. Kurenai smiles.

“Because of the way she looks at me.” She says softly. “Just tell her what you should have told me then.” Raidou opens his mouth, but no words come out. Kurenai wipes a tear away.

“I’m going to get started on breakfast,” she says, leaving the bedroom.

Raidou thinks about all the things he wanted to tell Kurenai. He wants to tell her that all those words are meant for her alone, but Raidou and Kurenai aren’t those kind of people anymore. He swallows the saliva in his mouth and looks out the window. It’s a blue day.

**

_A private joke between Asuma and Kurenai is how much Yuugao hangs off of Raidou. She likes to be close to him at all times, like now. Seated at the table, Yuugao has her hand on Raidou’s forearm, which is firmly planted on the table. Kurenai and Asuma exchange a look, while Raidou and Yuugao do one of their mind melds._

_It’s sometimes hard to remember that there is, technically, a ten-year age difference between Raidou and Yuugao. It’s not so much that Yuugao is especially mature as it is that the two of them are on the same wavelength. Yuugao is wearing one of her low-cut, sleeveless tops; the kind of bodysuit with a deep-v, and a pair of black pants. Kurenai is wearing her little red dress, and she wonders if Yuugao looks better than her. She’s happy with where she is, but sometimes, she wishes that Raidou didn’t get with someone just as pretty as her._

_Raidou and Asuma are always in uniform. They took their flak jackets off before dinner, which is pretty good for the two of them. “So,” Raidou says, turning to look at Asuma and Kurenai, “if you two need a new dresser, we have one.” Raidou and Yuugao are still setting up their place, even though they have lived together for two years. Raidou just bought one big dresser for the two of them, instead of trying to share Yuugao’s tiny little dresser. “I’ll even deliver.”_

_“What does it look like?” Kurenai asks. She and Asuma don’t live together, not yet, but they need to figure it out soon._

_“It’s from my parents’ house,” Yuugao says, “my dad painted it purple for me. It’s cute.” Kurenai’s tummy feels fuzzy; it sounds perfect for a baby._

_“It’s nice too,” Raidou says. “It’s well built, heavy. It won’t fall over or anything.”_

_“Ah,” Asuma says, “well, we’ll think about it.” Raidou nods._

_“We will probably have more to get rid of,” Raidou says, “it’s amazing how much clutter builds up.”_

_“Aren’t you just getting rid of Yuugao’s things? You lived in the barracks for the better part of your adult life,” Asuma says._

_“It’s more about making sure we have enough storage that uses the space effectively,” Yuugao says, “isn’t that right?” Raidou practically makes heart eyes at her practicality. The strangest things dazzle him._

_“I still can’t believe that Yuugao signed up to live with you.” Asuma says. He fiddles with his hand under the table. He is craving a cigarette, but he is determined to quit._

_“I’m a handy guy to have around,” Raidou says. Yuugao nods._

_“He fixes sinks, dishwashers, vacuum cleaners…” she trails off, smiling at him. Raidou always feels like he is a better person than he really is, when she looks at him._

_“My dad taught me practical skills,” he says. Asuma snorts._

_“You’re also old.” He says. “If I were as old as time itself, I too would know how to fix everything.” Kurenai smirks, while Yuugao tries not to smile. Raidou looks around, feeling betrayed._

_“Rude,” Raidou says. “I’m glad I won’t see you two for another two weeks.”_

_“You’re finally taking a real vacation,” Asuma says. “I’m impressed.”_

_“I’m even going to a beach,” Raidou hums, “I can tan.”_

_“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Asuma says. They all know Raidou’s affinity for sunscreen._

_“You wear sunscreen all the time,” Kurenai says. Raidou frowns at her._

_“Well, two weeks without it won’t kill me.” He says._

_“Unless one of your new freckles develops into skin cancer,” Kurenai says. If they were still together, she would personally check every inch of him for moles and weird freckles. She can only hope that Yuugao has that kind of devotion._

_“Don’t sound so excited,” Raidou replies. Yuugao squeezes his arm, and for a second, Kurenai forgets that she and Asuma are getting married this week._

_“I’m just warning you,” she says. Raidou’s mouth twitches._

_“Well, do you two have plans for the next two weeks?” he asks. Asuma and Kurenai don’t miss a beat. They both agreed not to tell Raidou; he wouldn’t go on his vacation._

_“Nothing,” Kurenai says, “nothing changes around here.”_

_“I go on vacation now,” Raidou says, “anything is possible now.”_

_Later, he will curse himself for how right he is._

**

Kurenai has never been one to moralize. The truth is, she has a convenient relationship with ethics and is in no position to judge Yuugao, having done the same exact thing as her. But she isn’t going to sit here and let Raidou’s heart be stomped on. He doesn’t deserve it. He would insist that they cheated together, but the truth is that Raidou would never have put her into the kinds of situations she put him into. She knowingly set them up to cheat.

She looks at Kakashi, who is sitting on her couch, eyeing her. She called him over, and while he knows that he doesn’t want to have this conversation, neither does he want to put it off. It is for the best that he takes it on the chin.

“You like Yuugao,” she says. Kakashi blinks.

“Lots of people _like_ Yuugao,” he replies, “she is likable.”

“No, you like-like Yuugao,” Kurenai says. She doesn’t think Kakashi is in love—she doesn’t think he is capable—but Yuugao is definitely worth more than a one-off.

“Are we teenagers?” he asks. Kurenai is the last person who should be judging him.

“What are you thinking?” Kurenai asks, “you’re Raidou’s friend!” Kakashi bites back _I’ve been a better friend than you_ just in time.

“Dunno.” Kakashi replies, clearly uncooperative.

“You’re not denying it.” She points out.

“Nothing happened.” He replies. The face that he is denying something she never even brought up speaks volumes.

“You’re shit at lying.” She says, “you kissed her.” Kakashi frowns and before he can ask how she knew, Kurenai tells him. “I’ve been there before.” Kakashi hums, and Kurenai walks over to him. She sits down beside him, and while there is concern on her face, he doesn’t think it is for him. “You know she wants Raidou.” Kakashi rolls his eyes. He knows, intellectually, that Yuugao would prefer Raidou’s attention, but she did have her tongue in his mouth. She wants him, in a concrete way.

“Is this where you call me a place holder?” Kakashi asks. Kurenai frowns.

“I wasn’t going to say that,” she says.

“Then what were you going to say?” he asks. Kurenai takes one of his hands in hers.

“That you deserve better than to be the guy she brings in because she and Raidou are having problems.” One of her biggest regrets is the way that she and Asuma got together. She wishes that they had fallen in love without the spectre of Raidou. Asuma deserved better than her. Kakashi blinks, not expecting this turn of events.

“You aren’t mad at me?” he asks. Kurenai sighs.

“It’s a shitty situation all around. It’s not your relationship. You didn’t make any promises,” she squeezes his hand. “Just…don’t hurt Raidou anymore. Please.” Kakashi sighs.

 _I’ll try_.

**

They haven’t really spoken about their fight. Raidou had come home and gone to bed, and then she caught a mission the next day. When she got back, Raidou was on a mission. Yuugao hasn’t been able to sleep without him. She feels on edge. She can’t eat, and she has been chewing on her thumbnail. She doesn’t take any of Kakashi’s messages or calls. She avoids him when she sees him, and he has started staying back. She can tell that it hurts his feelings, but she doesn’t know what to say to him. Whenever she sees him, she sees a massive fuck up.

Yuugao is sitting on the couch, staring at the door. She is wearing Raidou’s sweatpants and one of his sweaters. She has been wearing his clothes and cologne all week. He is on a hit, so he should be back today. She plays with a lock of hair. She wants him to come back, quickly. She wants to breathe on his face and tell him how much she loves him. Yuugao wants to hold him. She wants him to make her feel like is an okay person.

She perks up when the door unlocks, and Raidou steps in. His sword is on his back, and he is wearing his cloak. He looks surprised to see her up. It’s pretty late, and Anbu is demanding. He doesn’t say anything. He slips off his sandals.

“How was work?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“Fucked up.” He has been on worse missions. He’s been sent after kids before. This was just a political assassination. A pedestrian trauma.

“Oh?” Yuugao asks.

“Well, when is work not fucked up?” He takes off his sword and cloak, hanging them next to hers. _Don’t need to worry about child safety_. Raidou lets himself feel the bitterness inside of him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, standing up. He looks at her. She seems fragile, smaller than when he last saw her.

“No,” he sighs. He takes off his vest and hangs it up. He walks over to Yuugao, who tilts her head.

“I missed you.” She says. Raidou sighs.

“I missed you too.” He opens his arms to her, and she walks towards him. She wraps herself around him and tucks her face into his neck.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice is small. Raidou doesn’t say anything. It’s not tense, just awkward, for him, anyway. He’s been thinking about this for a week, how it would feel the first time he held her after finding out about Kakashi. He feels bad for this, but he is relieved to see that she is miserable too.

Yuugao pulls back and holds his face in her hands. “I’m sorry,” she says, with a little more force. Raidou nods.

“I know.” Yuugao nods.

“May I kiss you?” she asks. Raidou nods and relaxes his mouth. His jaw is still tight when Yuugao kisses him, but she is so desperate to connect that she will take any scrap of intimacy she can get. Raidou deepens the kiss, because he is desperate too. They both want things to be normal again. Yuugao pulls back and looks at his face, her eyes lidded.

“Do you think we can make things the same?” she asks. Raidou sighs.

“No,” he says, “but we can try.” He can’t unknow that Yuugao and Kakashi were talking. But he can try and bracket that knowledge, if only for a little bit. She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him again. Raidou lets her drag him into the apartment, and he is the one that decides that the couch will do.

She stands up and undresses for him, like she has, countless times before. The large scar on her abdomen, the dip of her belly button, the serpentine line of her waist to her hips. It is all familiar and arousing, but at the same time, Raidou’s lust is dead in the water. He still gets hard, but it isn’t accompanied by the usual hum of desire. It feels itchy and inconvenient. He smiles at her, holding his arms out wide.

“Why are you still dressed?” Yuugao asks, climbing onto his lap.

“I’m lazy,” he lies. Yuugao yanks his top up off of him, and then the mesh undershirt. She looks down at his neck and fingers the silver chain she gave him.

“You still wear it?” she asks. Raidou smiles softly. “I would feel naked without it.” It’s the truth. Yuugao bites her lip, and out of nowhere, starts crying.

Her tears start small, but in a matter of seconds they are big, and she is sobbing. Raidou gently hugs her, like bringing her closer could somehow break her if he isn’t careful. She throws herself against him, and he cups the back of her head. “I know,” is all he says. Yuugao cries harder, wrapping herself around him, as he looks up to the ceiling. It’s more than just Kakashi. It’s the state of their relationship, after Asuma’s death, Yuugao’s infertility, Kurenai’s pregnancy and Raidou’s perpetual guilt: for not saving Asuma, for being unable to give Yuugao a baby, to be the one who survived. He buries his head into her shoulder and holds her closer. The truth is that they wouldn’t be here if they had prioritized their relationship.

It’s horrible, to realize that you have grossly mistreated someone precious to you. She feels profoundly guilty for what she did with Kakashi. Leading him on, toying with his feelings, getting drunk with him; you don’t bring another guy into your relationship, because not only does it not work but you are putting all that is wrong on the relationship onto someone who isn’t even involved.

But what she did to Raidou? Watching his face change as he realized that he had been messing around with one of his friends made her hate herself. She feels bad for Kakashi, but she feels devastated for Raidou. She is supposed to be the mother of his children, his emotional rock, the one person in his life who keeps him safe. And this is what she does? She has no excuse. She wanted attention, and she wanted to feel connected to Raidou, but she didn’t know how to put it into words he could understand.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly. Raidou nods into her shoulder. “I am so, so sorry.” Her sorries are immeasurable. Raidou doesn’t say anything. He just holds her tighter.

“It’s my fault too,” he says. If he didn’t insist on fixing things, maybe he would have noticed how Yuugao was feeling. Looking back, he recalls several instances where he could tell Yuugao wanted to say something, but he found a way to deflect it. The truth is that what happened with Kakashi isn’t just on Yuugao, the way that Asuma isn’t just on Kurenai. He wasn’t checked in, engaged the way he needed to be, in order to be an actual partner.

There is a bitter irony in the fact that, through all of this, his feelings for Yuugao and Kurenai are all independent of each other. Things with Yuugao started because he was trying to get away from Kurenai, but his feelings for her were entirely separate from his for Kurenai. He didn’t expect Yuugao to fix him. Now, here he is, the same place he was three and a half years ago.

“No,” she says, “it’s not your fault.”

“Yuugao,” he sighs, “I’m a part of it.” The worst thing he can do now is make Yuugao the sole guilty party, as if their relationship isn’t something they did together.

“But you wouldn’t—”

“That’s not the point,” he says. Because, well, _technically_ , a long time ago, he did cheat. Just because she doesn’t know doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. “It’s clear you were unhappy about something.” Yuugao sits back, drying her eyes.

“I only feel worse,” she admits. Raidou nods.

“Yeah,” he says, “that’s probably how these things are supposed to play out.” She puts her hands on his face and looks at him.

“I am so sorry.”

“We’ve established this,” he says. “You don’t have to keep apologizing.” Yuugao frowns.

“I just wish things were different.” She replies. Raidou sighs.

“Me too.” He pauses, “I don’t want to have sex tonight. I don’t feel up to it.” Yuugao rubs her lips together.

“Okay,” she says softly. It hurts, but it’s not a big deal. Raidou looks up at her, trying to think of a way to communicate that he is just tired and over it, not mad or withholding affection to hurt her.

“Can we watch a movie or something?” he asks.

“In bed?” she asks. He smiles and nods.

“Something dumb, so I won’t feel bad when I pass out in the middle of it.” He kisses her chin and she sighs.

“There are a few things I’ve wanted to watch but haven’t made the time to.” She hums. “How do you feel about a scary movie?” Raidou smiles, kissing her jaw.

“Do you even find those scary?” he asks. She shakes her head.

“Not really. But sometimes I find a hidden gem.” She smiles. “Luckily, you can sleep through anything, and you usually snore during the scary bits. It injects some levity.” Raidou makes a wounded face but smiles when Yuugao promises to go to bed naked, you know, in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really trying to earn the "Drama & Romance" tag LOL. Raidou and Yuugao aren't soulmates but they do a lot of soulmate-y things, and I hope it's evident that they are really in love with each other. I made sure this update is long because things are picking up in my life. I hope this was satisfying to read. 
> 
> I think a reader asked me about this earlier and I kinda gave a non-answer, but yes, Kurenai did want to choose Raidou. She was happy and in love with Asuma, but he wasn't her first choice. Another reader mentioned this, but it is worth repeating: Genma will never disappoint anyone. I'd like to think that he and Yamato break the fourth wall and make Jim from The Office "I can't believe this is real life" face at the readers. 
> 
> I would love to hear what you think! This chapter is a doozy and I think answers some of the questions/comments you have been leaving for me. I love your comments, I gobble them up and survive off of them for a week. Stay safe out there!


	17. Continued Turbulence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choices.

“Every night fucks every day up/ every day patches the night up”

Frank Ocean, “Nights”

“I should’ve seen it coming from where you stood.”

Maggie Rogers, “Fallingwater”

They left the window open when they went to sleep. It’s a cold morning. Raidou frowns, trying to stay asleep. Eventually, he gives up, waking with his face in the back of Yuugao’s neck. He groans softly, closing his eyes again. Yuugao sighs against him, rubbing his arm.

“Are you awake?” she asks. Raidou grumbles in response. “I’m cold,” she sighs. They’d gone to bed naked, like she had promised, which is part of the problem. She presses back into Raidou, who just tightens his arm around her.

“I don’t wanna wake up,” he says. Yuugao smiles, looking at the plants on her windowsill. She stretches her body out into a tight, straight line. She smiles when she feels his erection against her. Pushing her hips against him, he groans.

“What?” he asks.

“It’s the case that I would like to have sexual intercourse with you this morning.” Raidou makes a whiney noise in the back of his throat when she pulls away, even if it is only to roll over to face him. She kisses his chin, and he sighs.

Swinging a leg over his hip, she opens herself up to him. “I want you _so_ bad.” She kisses his throat, and he sighs.

“How bad?” he asks.

“ _Real_ bad,” she murmurs. “It’s terminal.” Raidou rolls his eyes, before rolling them over. His body still feels heavy from sleep, but he wants to be inside of her. Yuugao looks up at him, a little surprised, but she recovers when she realizes what they are going to do. She wraps both legs around his waist, and hums. She doesn’t want to wait but she will wait forever for him. They both want to reconnect. She wraps her arms around him, placing her palms on top of his back, pressing down. She looks up at him and melts a little.

He decides that he wants to make her feel adored. So, he kisses her gently, all over her chin, throat and collarbones. Kisses, lots of them. All over, everywhere. One inside an ear, the other on a brow. She doesn’t say anything, simply taking in his adoration. It makes her feel happy and complete, to be cared for this way. When he finally kisses her mouth, she opens up easily. She kisses him softly, gentle. She wants to enjoy opening up to him, placing a hand on his cheek to keep him close.

He rests his forehead on hers, looking into the back of her eyes. “I missed you,” he says.

“I was right here,” she says quietly. His mouth twitches.

“I know,” he says softly. She puts her thumb over his lower lip, hooking it into his mouth, brushing the gumline of his lower teeth.

“You have the cutest gums,” she sighs, “and the prettiest teeth.” Raidou rolls his eyes, before they close as she kisses him again. It’s another gentle kiss that morphs into something searing and hot. Raidou pulls away to descend down, but Yuugao shakes her head. “Please, come inside me,” she sighs. She doesn’t care about her own orgasm. She just wants to be close to him, for him to fill her up.

“I was planning on it,” he smiles, “but I know what you mean.” Raidou runs a hand along the back of her thigh, lifting it up to give him access. “Put your hands over your head, please,” he says. Yuugao stretches her arms out above her, crossing her wrists. It exposes her to him. He knows she trusts him absolutely, if she willingly makes herself so vulnerable to him.

He places a hand over her wrists, pinning her hands above her head, as he lifts her hips and slips inside. His chest presses down onto her own, and there is no space between them as he begins to move in and out. She arches up into him, a gesture of submission.

Yuugao loves it when he makes her feel powerless. In this position, not only is she completely exposed, but he can do whatever he wants to her, and there is nothing she can do. The idea of him just taking her and doing what he wants really turns her on, conceptually. He would never actually have sex with her that way, which turns her on even more. He grunts above her, trying to find a rhythm, his face twisted in concentration. _You’re going to take care of me_ , she thinks, moaning.

“I’m not even doing anything yet,” he sighs.

“I just want you to know how much you turn me on,” her smile is sticky sweet, and he feels himself harden a little more.

“How?” he asks. She grins when she realizes what he’s really asking.

“Because you always take care of me,” she hums. She cracks her hips open, wrapping her legs even tighter around him. Raidou has a dark look in his eyes, and she feels him digging into the backs of her eyes, like he wants to see all of her, all at once.

“I take care of you,” he says in a low voice. Yuugao nods as he moves faster, harder.

“You’re the best.” She sighs. Raidou can’t even find it in himself to smirk or act cool. Her words make him glow from within. He is going to live off that breathy _you’re the best_ for at least a week, if not the rest of his life.

Raidou wonders if he needs a better sense of self. He doesn’t need approval, unless it’s from Yuugao or Kurenai. It’s funny, how little he cares about how other people see him, compared to the absolute neediness he feels for Yuugao and Kurenai. It probably doesn’t help that they both like having that kind of power over him. They could do whatever they want, if they told him that they love him. Maybe that’s why Genma is so worried about him.

Then, Yuugao makes an especially cute noise and it’s like no one but her exists..

He hovers over her, his hands squeezing her wrists together. It hurts a little, but also, not at all. As the sun rises in the sky, they are getting sweatier and sweatier, and she gets louder and louder. Raidou would tell her that they can’t afford another noise complaint, but right now, he doesn’t really care what their neighbours think. “I want you to be louder,” he sighs.

“Why?” she asks, drawing the vowel out, cutting it with a squeaky “ah.” Raidou thrusts, in-out, in-out.

“Because I want everyone to know how I give it to you.” _I want you to be so loud that fucking Kakashi will know his goddamn place all the way from across the village._ Raidou’s jaw ticks at the thought, but his face softens when he sees Yuugao’s rose-y face and her mouth open as her chin tilts up.

If you asked Yuugao about Kakashi, she would reply “who?” That is the power of Raidou. For now, everyone else is faceless, and no one else but the two of them exist. She lifts herself up to him, breathing in and out through her mouth, moaning whenever he goes hard.

“Fuck,” she says, “ _please,_ Raidou.” It’s a porn-y sort of whine, and he is not satisfied. He wants it to be guttural. Like she is speaking right from her guts.

“Please what?” he huffs, his tummy tightening when she tilts her pelvis _just so_ , and he feels the way she is relaxing around him. It’s like he’s gliding.

“Please don’t stop,” she sighs, “do this forever.” She punctuates her words with another squeak, and he presses his lips together. He moves harder and faster, lifting his hips up and she chases him.

A minute passes, and their movements have become more desperate, grosser. She has given up on words. She either pants out his name or moans. He wants her to scream. Raidou can tell that she is close. She’s wet enough, soft enough that it shouldn’t be long now. All he has to do is remind her that she is an animal. _Easy_. 

He thrusts again, really, really meaning it this time. She smiles when he gives it rougher. Not once has she tried to free her hands.

“Want to touch yourself?” he groans.

“Only you can touch me,” she moans. It takes everything in him not to finish right there.

“Fuck,” he sighs.

“It’s true,” she moans, “I only want you.” She never wanted Kakashi, not really, not like this. Yuugao just wanted Raidou to come back and make her see stars and feel melty and white-hot. Everything is pooling between her legs, and somehow, Raidou breaks through once again, chasing what is sure to be nothing short of stupefying _. Fuck me stupid_. Everything is stretching apart, tearing at the seams.

Yuugao lets out a small shriek when he finds the right angle. “Louder,” he groans, “louder or I’ll stop.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” she growls.

“You sure?” he responds in kind.

“This feels too good for you to stop,” she arches her back and clenches a little. She’s not wrong. Furthest thing from it, actually. Raidou picks up the pace, and they move as one. She uses her hips to encourage him to hit harder, rolling to bring him closer. There is a banging sound on their ceiling, no doubt an irate, prudish neighbour with a broom, but Yuugao just moans louder as Raidou kisses the side of her neck.

When she finally screams, Raidou pushes her wrists down into the pillow above her, and he takes her nipple in his mouth, playing with the ring with his tongue. He jerks up into her once, twice, and releases as she comes down. They breathe hard for a moment, before Raidou releases her hands. Her wrists hurt a little, but it was worth it. He showed her what she has been missing, and she’s certain that no one else could give it to her like this.

He goes to move, but she tightens her legs around him. “I like how you feel inside me,” she sighs. Raidou grunts. “I’m soft.” He tucks his head into her shoulder.

“But you still feel good,” she kisses the shell of his ear. “I’ll scream again, just to convince you.”

“You’re crazy,” he sighs.

“You make me feel this way,” Yuugao says, “it’s your fault that you fuck me so well. You broke me for other men.”

“That was the point,” he kisses her jaw. Yuugao wraps her arms around him.

“Raidou?” she says.

“Yeah.” He grunts.

“I’m glad we did this,” she says quietly. He smiles.

“Me too.” They needed this, to remind them why they are a couple. Yuugao looks down at the chain he wears, that she bought him, and she hooks her finger in it. It’s kind of funny, that she gave him a literal chain and had a heart carved into her ass for him. The chain is just as nice as when she first bought it. It’s silver, the loops are small, forming a single strand.

“Did you think about taking it off?” she asks. Raidou frowns.

“Never.” It’s true. He was upset and hurt but breaking up with her had never occurred to him as a serious solution. Yuugao’s smile unfurls, almost blossoming across her face. It’s one of her revelatory smiles, where he feels like a better person for having seen it.

“I love you,” she says quietly. She hasn’t acted like it recently, but it is what is in her heart.

“Really?” he asks in a small, quiet voice.

“Yes,” she mouths, before crushing her lips against his.

She would give him all the yeses in the world, every one that is yet to and will come to exist.

**

_Raidou leans back on his chair, rubbing his temples. Genma has spent the last hour and a half whining about Anko. He doesn’t do it as often as he used to, but Raidou has sat through this monologue (it is never a conversation) for years._

_“I just don’t get why she doesn’t call me back!” Genma says. “She says, ‘I love you’ and then fucks off to who knows where for weeks on end…”_

_“She has a job,” Aoba says. He should know; he and Anko are good friends. The kind that pass out in a bathtub together after a night of partying. Raidou is pretty sure Anko spit into Aoba’s mouth on a dare once. They were all pretty high, so he might be remembering it wrong._

_“She has a life,” Raidou huffs. Aoba points at him, echoing his sentiment._

_“I know that,” Genma says, “she’s just always fucking with my own. Why can’t she just call me back?”_

_“Maybe she’s dead,” Raidou says._

_“Knowing her, it is a distinct possibility,” Aoba says, without a hint of grief. Genma glares at both of them._

_“Haven’t either of you had this problem?” he asks._

_“When I was sixteen,” Aoba shrugs, “but you just get a new girlfriend.”_

_“She’s not my girlfriend.” Genma fumes. He wishes she was. “Raidou, have you ever dealt with something like this?”_

_“Nope,” Raidou says, “women call me back.”_

_“All the pretty ones too,” Aoba adds. Raidou shrugs, because that’s incidental._

_“It’s because of my mouth,” Raidou says. Aoba cackles while Genma grimaces._

_“Gross.” He says._

_“What?” Raidou shrugs, “I just talk to them.” He grins at the sour look on Genma’s face._

_“Well, I talk too, when Anko bothers to fucking call me.” Genma crosses his arms, glowering at the pitcher of beer. “A why would be nice too.”_

_“You probably don’t want to know the truth,” Raidou says. No one ever does. It’s one of Raidou’s core beliefs._

_“Why do you say that?” Genma asks. Raidou sighs._

_“Because relationships are a story you build with another person.” He tilts his head, thinking. “Everyone says they want honesty, but that ruins the story.” Yuugao likes romances; Kurenai doesn’t read. No wonder Raidou has emotional whiplash._

_“What lies are your relationship with Yuugao built on?” Aoba asks. Raidou shrugs._

_“The obvious.” He doesn’t lie, not outright. But cheating makes you a liar, because you have to tell more lies to cover it up. Raidou was honest with Aoba, Kakashi and Genma because it felt good to be honest with someone._

_“Ever notice how it is always the obvious?” Aoba asks. Raidou frowns while Genma groans._

_“No shit, Sherlock.” Genma says._

_“You know Genma, the obvious is that Anko, regardless of how she feels, is always going to waste your time.” Raidou grins and dodges when Genma spits his senbon at him with enough force for it to get stuck in the wall behind his head._

**

Kurenai stands over the counter, cutting up vegetables. “You know, you and Genma don’t have to hang around anymore.” She looks over her shoulder at Raidou, who sits on the back of the couch, looking at her in his intense, piercing way. “You have a perpetual frown.”

“It’s because I’m deep in thought,” he replies.

“Did you hear what I said?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he replies. “Do you want Genma and I to stop coming over here?”

“No,” she says, “I’m just telling you that I’m…better.” Kurenai feels like she has outgrown their sleepovers. The closer motherhood looms, the more she realizes that adulthood is more than a series of milestones. She is going to be kissing scrapes and wiping away boogers and tears soon. Kurenai misses Asuma, deeply, but she has so much more to live for. She already loves Mirai with a singular intensity that surpasses anything she has ever felt for anyone else.

“You’re better?” he asks. Raidou won’t admit it, but he likes being someone Kurenai’s relies on.

“Yes,” she says, cutting up a cucumber. “I’m better.” Raidou nods.

“So, you don’t want us around anymore?” he asks. Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“No, I’m just saying you aren’t obligated to be around anymore.”

“Obligated?” he asks.

“Yes, obligated.” She sighs, “I am ready to sleep alone now.” It’s her _new normal_. It won’t be fun, but this was never going to last forever.

“Genma and I like spending time here,” Raidou kicks out his legs. “Who else is Genma going to spend time with?”

“Maybe he’ll get a girlfriend.” Kurenai sets down the knife and walks over to the fridge, opening it to pull out a carton of eggs.

“Genma is going to be alone forever,” Raidou says. Anko, as far as he was concerned, was a failed experiment. Genma can’t fall in deep. Not like Kurenai and Raidou did.

“That’s rude.” Kurenai says, walking back to the counter. “Genma still has a chance.”

“You should have bought him an ‘I’m the Big Brother’ t-shirt. He’s doing his best to be your baby.” Raidou stands up, stretching. Kurenai smiles when she sees a sliver of his tummy.

“You know, he’s a lot of fun to spend time with. Our sleepovers feel like slumber parties.” Kurenai sticks a piece of cucumber into her mouth. “We watch a lot of creepy shows. Unsolved Mysteries, The X-Files.”

“Sounds like you two finally found your soulmate.” Raidou walks over to her, picking up a piece of cucumber and sticking it into his mouth. Kurenai pouts at him. “What?”

“You know.” She narrows her eyes at him. Raidou takes another piece of cucumber.

“No, I don’t. I’m an ignorant asshole.” He smiles. Kurenai sighs. “Why are you so pissy all of the sudden?”

“I’m not pissy,” she says, “I’m just…it’s just too soon to joke about soulmates.” Kurenai, uncomfortable, turns away from Raidou. With his pointer finger, he pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear. Looking down at the curve of her ear, Raidou thinks about the time he called them ugly. He had been lying, but they aren’t supernaturally pretty, like the rest of her. “What are you looking at?” she asks.

“Your ear.” He murmurs. “It’s not ugly at all.” Kurenai doesn’t look at him, but she does smile to herself.

“You remember that?” she asks.

“I remember all of my lies.” He says. The big ones, little ones. Fibs and big kahunas, white lies and whoppers.

They stand there for a little bit, and he looks down at her stomach. He wonders what it’s like to carry a baby inside of you. From his research, it all sounds unpleasant. But pregnancy seems to suit Kurenai. She carries it well. Yuugao would probably look good pregnant too. His lip twitches at the thought.

“You’re still staring.” She looks up at him from beneath her brow. She still wears red lipstick. The roof of his mouth tingles.

“What’s it like?” he asks quietly, “becoming a mom?”

“Terrifying,” Kurenai says softly, “but also…transformative. Like I’m becoming a new person from the inside.” The little, petty things still bother her, but she can put them in perspective.

“Yuugao wants to be a mom.” Raidou says, “and I want to give it to her, I really do.”

“I’ve never doubted that,” Kurenai says. “You really love Yuugao.” Having been loved by Raidou, she knows what it looks like on him.

“I just wish that there was something I could do.” Raidou, quite often, feels powerless. Life is something that happens to him, rather than something he actively participates in.

“It’s not your fault.” She says quietly. “You always feel so guilty over things that aren’t your fault.”

“Yeah, well…” Raidou trails off, shrugging. Kurenai tilts her head at him, frowning.

“You need to stop shrugging things off.”

“So, I need to stop internalizing everything, but I also need to stop trying to shrug it off.” He sighs, “I don’t know what people want from me.”

“People want you to be well-adjusted and content with your life.” Kurenai says. “I want you to be fully integrated.” Raidou leans his hip against the counter, crossing his arms.

“Sometimes the parts just don’t fit together.” You can be a whole person while still feeling like a fragmented being.

“You don’t even try to put them together.” Kurenai says. “You still haven’t told me about those dreams you were having.” He has woken her up several times in the past few months. She can’t remember him ever having nightmares before. Raidou looks away, and Kurenai watches his jaw tick. “Tell me what they are.” She still wants to know his dreams, even the bad ones.

Raidou doesn’t like thinking about them. The idea of Yuugao or Kurenai dying is bad enough. But the idea of him, murdering one of them with the black blade? It makes him want to crawl out of his skin. He shivers and tightens up. Kurenai places her hand on his stomach. She can feel how tight he is from a touch alone.

“They were just nightmares.”

“You don’t get nightmares,” she says, “not the frequently, not like that.” He hasn’t had them recently, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to know.

“You don’t want to know.” He says. Kurenai presses her palm into his stomach.

“I want to know everything about you.” Still.

He swallows, scratching the spot behind his ear. “You or Yuugao, on the black blade. I’m holding it. I never see it happen. It’s like I come out of a fugue state, I’m holding the sword, and one of you is just…there.” He starts to tug on his earlobe. “I realize that I rammed my sword through your heart, and that’s when I wake up.” He still looks away, judging himself for even having the dream in the first place.

Kurenai’s face softens, and she presses her palm further into his stomach, digging the tips of her fingers into him. “It’s just a dream.” _I can go into your head and change it for you_. But she would never actually scramble his brain with genjutsu. Even now, there is nothing about Raidou that she would change. “You would never do that to me or Yuugao.”

“But I dreamt about it,” he glowers at the wall of her kitchen.

“That doesn’t make it real,” she says. “It’s not reality.” Raidou scoffs.

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” he says, “it still happened in my head.” Kurenai sets the knife down and turns to face him. She puts her arms around his waist and presses her swollen tummy to his. It’s weird to feel her baby against his stomach.

“You would never, ever hurt me or Yuugao.” Kurenai tightens her arms around him. Raidou wilts, putting a hand on her cheek. He doesn’t say anything for a long time.

“You still wear red lipstick.” He says, finally.

“I haven’t changed. I’m fat, not different.” She says. Raidou lip twitches, and he presses his thumb onto her lower lip. When he touches her lip and feels the texture of her lipstick, he immediately knows which one she used. She has a bunch of red lipsticks of similar shades, but from feel and look, he can tell that she is wearing a shade called ‘Cherry Girl.’ _Genma thinks your eyes are like rotten cherries_. But to Raidou, her eyes are just home. They don’t mean anything; they are what they are.

“I haven’t changed either,” he says quietly. She presses her lips to his thumb, before stepping back and returning to the vegetables.

Here we are, back at the beginning.

**

Yuugao has this all planned out. She sits in the café, drumming her fingers against the tabletop. She smiles and waves when Kakashi enters, looking for her. When he spots her, he momentarily relaxes. He walks over to the table and pulls out the chair across from her. She smiles up at him, as if she hasn’t spent the last week and a half avoiding him. He doubts that this will end the way he wants, but he tries to remain optimistic.

“Yuugao,” he says. “How are you?”

“I’m alright,” she says, “I’m sorry that I’ve been ignoring you.” She goes to reach for his hand, but she freezes. Her hand hangs in the air, awkwardly. She rubs her lips together and drops her hand to the table.

“I figured you were working some things out,” he says. “Look, about the kiss…” He trails off, not sure as to how he wants to finish that statement. Yuugao makes a pained expression.

“Kakashi, the kiss is beside the point.” She exhales, “Raidou and I were having problems, and I leaned on you. You’ve been a good friend, but I wouldn’t be if I kept stringing you along. I don’t think we should spend time together anymore. I want Raidou.” Kakashi frowns. He isn’t exactly surprised. But it does hurt, even though he did a mean thing. Meanness doesn’t exist until you are in the conditions under which it can thrive, like, say, wanting to have sex with your friend’s girlfriend.

“Did he put you up to this?” Kakashi asks. He doesn’t know why it would make a difference, but it does. It hurts less to be able to blame it on Raidou instead of Yuugao. Kakashi isn’t in love, but he is fond of her, and their time together has been a bright spot in a year of continual, unending fuckery.

“No,” Yuugao says quietly, “I decided to do this. He didn’t even really yell, or anything.” Kakashi licks the backs of his teeth. He can’t help himself.

“Doesn’t sound like he cares.” Yuugao frowns at him.

“He does care.” She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. He can tell by her expression that he has found an angle. _Meanness exists because of specific social conditions_.

“Indifference doesn’t sound like caring.” Kakashi drawls. Yuugao narrows her eyes. She knows how deeply Raidou cares. If she were younger, she would want him to jump and scream, but she knows that Raidou’s restraint is a sign that he cares. It means he doesn’t want to blow up his relationships with Yuugao and Kakashi. He holds her and talks to her, and they are both really trying to understand what brought them to this point.

They both want to make this work. Of this, she is certain. “Stop undermining my relationship.” She gets up, picking up her iced coffee.

“If your relationship was strong, we wouldn’t be here.” He wouldn’t have developed real feelings if he didn’t think he would get to act on them.

“You are being such a dick,” she says, “I’m doing this in the hope that we could be friends again one day.” Kakashi sees his opening and takes his shot.

“I don’t want to be friends, and I don’t think you want to be either.” He tilts his head to the side and finds some comfort in the way the tendon in her neck rises. _Got you._

“Fuck you,” she says. She throws her iced coffee at him, which he catches. Kakashi restrains himself from saying _this is what caring looks like_.

**

Kurenai sits across from Raidou, watching him eat a piece of salmon. She wants to put her hand out and brush his knuckles, ask him if he is alright. Raidou still doesn’t seem quite like himself.

“Are things with Yuugao okay?” she asks. Raidou frowns.

“We had a fight. But we’re trying to work it out.” He omits the soft, gooey parts, where Yuugao cried on him and when he made her scream.

“You think you two will work it out?” she asks. Raidou nods tentatively.

“I can’t imagine being with anyone else,” he says. Kurenai flinches, and he pretends not to see it.

**

Yamato sits across from Yuugao, watching her sip from her juice box. They get lunch together, sometimes. It’s become more frequent, since he has left Anbu to lead Team Seven. They weren’t really friends before, but they are finding themselves becoming closer and closer. Yamato knows all of Yuugao’s secrets and she can tell, from an eye twitch alone, how he feels about something.

It’s nice to have a close friend in the forces. She has never thrown her looks around, but Yamato appears immune to her beauty. Not once has he stared at her breasts or eyed her legs. She asked him why. He replied that it’s because she is a person. _Maybe I’ve never been a person to anyone before_.

“I’m not talking to Kakashi anymore,” she says. Yamato sips his own juice box, his eyes not leaving hers. He opens his mouth after swallowing his juice: _ah_.

“I know,” he says. Kakashi told him all about it. Yuugao really struck a nerve.

“He is upset,” Yamato replies. Not irreparably. But enough to throw kunai at a wall while complaining about it to Yamato. He has never seen Kakashi bothered over a girl, and he suspects that it is because he wasn’t the one to break it off.

Yamato doesn’t like being the one between her and Kakashi. If asked, his true sympathies like with Yuugao, since he knows she’s been going through something. It’s Kakashi’s fault that he forgot that he was just an outlet.

Yuugao nods, looking down at her juice box. “Raidou and I are really trying to work things out.” They’ve been _working things out_ for longer than Yamato and Yuugao have been friends.

“Isn’t that why you were talking to Kakashi in the first place?” Yamato asks. Yuugao frowns, like there is a bad taste in her mouth.

“No,” she says quietly. “I was just lonely.” Yuugao taps the table with her knuckles. “Raidou and Kakashi did nothing to deserve it.” Raidou was gone and Kakashi was there. There is no reasoning beyond that. Yamato sighs. He is more sympathetic to Yuugao, but Kakashi, who is, more often than not, a thorn in his side, is still a friend.

“It’s none of my business, but Kakashi doesn’t deserve to be pulled into whatever you and Raidou are trying to figure out.” He sips on his juice box thoughtfully. “He is an asshole, but he doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.” On the other hand, it has been kind of nice to watch Kakashi experience what it’s like to be a runner-up. Hopefully, the experience has humbled him. “He said you threw a drink at him.”

“He deserved it,” Yuugao replies. He needed to know his place in her life. Yamato tilts his head.

“Did he, though?”

“He said that he didn’t want to just be friends, and that I didn’t either.”

“Well, you weren’t really treating him like a friend.” Yamato replies. Yuugao puffs her cheeks, frowning.

“Well, it’s not a problem anymore because I am never speaking to him again,” she declares.

“You sound awfully confident,” Yamato says. She narrows her eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks.

“Nothing is ever certain, Yuugao.” He replies cryptically. Yamato knows all the players involved well enough to know that nothing is ever really over until it’s dead in the ground, like Asuma. Yuugao doesn’t say anything. She sucks the juice box dry. Her cheeks become hollow, and she looks like a fish.

**

Shin’s office is in one of the taller buildings in the village, and he has a huge window in his office. He has several plants that he keeps in his office. Several jade, a hoya in bloom. Raidou likes the plants. They remind him of the apartment he and Yuugao share. Kurenai gave them a bunch of plants a few months ago, so they are everywhere. The television stand, the coffee and kitchen tables, every windowsill and shelf. It’s like they created a forest for themselves.

Raidou just finished summing up his big fight with Yuugao. Shin sits back, his hands together, thoughtful. He hasn’t said anything for two minutes. It makes Raidou feel impatient. He finally exhales when Shin opens his mouth. “So, let me make sure that I understand. For the past few months, you have slept beside your pregnant ex-girlfriend after she lost her husband. You cheated on your current girlfriend with said ex-girlfriend when you first got together, of which your current girlfriend is ignorant. You’ve been spending time with this ex-girlfriend, because you, presumably want her to feel supported. At the same time, your girlfriend has discovered that she is infertile, and you are both trying to cope with that loss. You’re not around all the time, so your current girlfriend starts talking to a friend, who definitely, in your words, ‘wants to fuck her,’ and that makes you…angry.” Shin blinks, indicating that he is finished.

“That’s it, more or less.” Raidou says.

“Why are you mad?” he asks. “I completely understand why your girlfriend is upset, and I understand why your ex-girlfriend wants to keep you around. Your feelings are the real mystery, to me.”

“Why?” Raidou asks, testily. Shin sighs, like he is speaking to an especially stupid child. Which, Raidou supposes, he is. One big, overgrown, dumb baby.

“You sound like a reliable, thoughtful guy. Who wouldn’t want your attention?” he sets his legal pad down, looking at Raidou. “But you aren’t giving your primary relationship the kind of attention and care it needs to thrive; specifically, you are diverting energy from that relationship to the one with your ex.”

“Kurenai.” Raidou says. “Her name is Kurenai.”

“And your partner’s name?” Shin asks, not missing a beat. It’s not lost on either of them that Raidou names Kurenai first, before Yuugao.

“Yuugao.” Raidou says softly. Shin sighs.

“Let’s put this a different way. Bracket Kurenai for a second. Who is Yuugao, to you? How do you see her in your life?” Raidou pauses for a second.

“Yuugao is the person I want to be with. I’m in love with her. She’s the mother of my children.” Raidou, at this point, doesn’t want to be with another. It is Yuugao or bust. “It’s her.” Shin nods.

“Okay. So, in your own words, why do you think she’s talking to the other guy?” Shin puts up his hands before Raidou can say that they’ve already been over this. “I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. Why do you think Yuugao sought comfort and support outside of your relationship?”

Raidou looks at the floor, the ugly, grey carpet that probably smells like dust, no matter how many times it is cleaned. The thought makes his nose itch.

“She feels lonely.” Raidou says. “She doesn’t think I’m around enough, or that I take her infertility seriously.” He frowns. “No one gets into a relationship to feel alone.” _You know I love you, right?_

“Okay.” Shin says. “Next question. What do you get out of your relationship with Kurenai?” Raidou blinks.

“We’re talking about Yuugao.” He says.

“We can’t talk about Yuugao without talking about Kurenai.” Shin says in his no bullshit way. _You must have been one tough asshole of a shinobi_. Raidou presses his lips together.

“Can you explain the question?”

“Well, all relationships have a goal. You don’t have relationships with people for no reason.” Shin says. “For example, you want to be friends with Genma, so you act accordingly. We’ve determined that you want to be with Yuugao, but for some reason, you’re not acting like it. I’m not accusing you of anything, but I don’t think you know what you want from Kurenai.”

“I want her to be safe and happy,” Raidou says. Shin tilts his head, unimpressed.

“But what do you get out of the relationship?” he says. “You’re not there out of the goodness of your heart, are you?” Raidou shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. “I thought so.” Shin says.

“I…” Raidou trails off. “I like being close to her. She makes me feel…adequate.”

“Adequate?” Shin asks. Raidou nods.

“Yeah. Like, all her problems are easy for me to fix. I just need to be close to her, and she is happy. It’s not like that with Yuugao. She loves me, wants me, but sometimes I look at her, or her tampons, or even her stomach, and I just think about how I can’t give her what she wants.” He pauses. “Kurenai makes me feel like a man. But it’s deeper than that too. You know, even after three and a half years, it still feels like she is a part of me.”

“So, you get…understanding from Kurenai. _Affirmation_ , shall we say.” Raidou sighs.

“But’s deeper than words. I can’t really explain it.” He doesn’t think he will ever have the words to describe what, exactly, Kurenai means to him. He just knows that he isn’t willing to go without her.

“Have you ever thought that maybe, Yuugao wants to give you those things too? Stability, affirmation, love?” Shin asks.

“Well, I know she does.” Raidou says.

“Great. Why do you choose Kurenai, who, in your words, is unavailable, while Yuugao is there, waiting for you?” Shin clasps his hands together, looking at Raidou intently _. This man could kill me if he wanted to_. It would be more fun than this kind of introspection.

“Because it’s easy.” Raidou says, wincing at his response. Shin nods.

“Okay.” It’s not a breakthrough, but it’s a start. “So, what do you want to do about it?” Raidou clasps his hands together, squeezing his hands.

It’s obvious what he has to do. If he wants to preserve his relationship with Yuugao, he has to step back from Kurenai. He did it once before, he can do it again.

“I should probably go home to Yuugao.” He says. Shin blinks.

“You don’t _have_ to.” Shin says. “Who do you really want to be with?” Raidou presses his lips together, thinking. He is more comfortable with having obligations rather than agency.

“Yuugao,” he says quietly. He feels whole inside of her, like a person. She takes care of him, and arguably, she saved him. She is the kind of person who always sends a birthday card, and she remembers everyone’s preferences. Yuugao has a good relationship with her parents; she never had a wild phase or did anything just to hurt them when she was a teenager. She saves spiders and bugs, taking them outside in a glass. She was going to be the kind of mom who bakes muffins and wraps their kids up in those towels that look like animals, with hoods. He thinks the one that looks like a cow is cute. Raidou looked at them, online. He cleared his internet history after, and he really treasures how it felt to look forward to having babies with her.

He wants to make those kinds of memories with Yuugao. He wants to be a parent, and he wants to do that with her. Raidou won’t get that if he keeps choosing Kurenai like he does. “I want to repair my relationship with Yuugao.” Shin nods.

“Okay.”

**

Kakashi leans against the wall, watching Kurenai pack the last of Asuma’s things. Clothes she has been meaning to donate, books she has no plans on reading, CDs from bands she hates. Things she had wanted to rid him of when he was alive. Kakashi is here for moral support, but really, he just has nothing better to do.

“You know, Asuma had a shitty taste in music.” Kurenai tosses another CD into a cardboard box. “Just terrible.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” he says. Asuma liked upbeat music. Basic, but not bad. “You’re just an elitist.”

“Someone has to have standards.” Kurenai sighs, “my child is not going to grow up listening to this crap.” Kakashi sighs.

“Every cloud has a silver lining.” He shifts on his feet, and Kurenai laughs at his joke. He smiles under his mask. “It’s good that you laughed at that one. It shows _growth_ and _acceptance_.”

“Life is funny, especially when it’s cruel.” She says. “You know, I still feel lonely without Asuma, and I still miss him a lot…but I’m not alone.” She smiles to herself, thinking only of Raidou. How he snores beside her, the way he touched her ear and her lower lip. Kakashi watches her face soften, and he knows she is thinking of Raidou. His pragmatism and, _okay_ , his feelings for Yuugao come into play. On one hand, he wants her. On the other, he is angry on her behalf. It’s confusing to like someone so much that you root for them whether or not you are together or separate.

“Yuugao is jealous of you.” He says. It’s something Kurenai needs to hear. She blinks, tilting her head at him.

“And?” she asks. Men never just give you something without a motive. Kakashi is smarter than her, but testosterone has a way of outsmarting every man. She’s curious: is he telling her to back off or proposing some sort of twisted alliance?

“I just think you should know.” He shrugs. Kurenai’s mouth twitches up, and she blinks at him. Too late, he realizes that she knows his game better than he does.

“What would you like me to do with that information?” she says, crossing her arms. Kakashi ticks his jaw. He doesn’t say anything.

Kurenai sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You know, I understand how you feel.” She lowers her hand and looks at him head on. “It was hard, seeing Raidou and Yuugao happy. It still is, sometimes.” Kakashi narrows his eyes.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Yes,” she says, “you do.” Kurenai walks over to where he stands, arms crossed. He watches the tendon in her neck rise. “You don’t get to come in here and try to play us all off of each other. Raidou and Yuugao chose each other, and you, like me, have to live with it.” Kakashi rolls his eyes and walks out of the spare room, and into the living room. Kurenai follows him, arms still crossed. “Can’t you date a nice girl?” she asks.

“Yuugao is a nice girl,” he replies.

“She is taken.” Kurenai says. Kakashi scoffs.

“So is Raidou.”

Of this, Kurenai is keenly aware. “Get _out_.”

**

When he is about to tell Kurenai something he knows she won’t like, Raidou feels floaty. He can’t look at her, and he hovers. For an accomplished assassin, he really falls apart when it comes to being honest with her. She knows it’s because he is more comfortable in the shadows than he is with the truth, but sometimes she wonders what she did to make him so afraid of telling her the truth.

Raidou stands over her, not looking at her. He asked if they could meet the front door of her building. She had come down, smiling, but she could tell by his face that something is off. He didn’t say anything when she greeted him. Now, she stands on a step, but he is still taller than her. She looks up at his face and puts her hand on his cheek. He briefly tilts his head, eyes closed, leaning into her hand, before he pulls away, looking at the spot over her shoulder.

“What is it?” she asks, “what are you about to tell me that I won’t like?” Raidou looks at her then, frowning. He takes her hand in his, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

“I can’t stay here anymore,” he says. Kurenai blinks.

“You don’t need to,” she says.

“No, I mean, I _can’t_ stay here.” It’s important for her to know that this isn’t his choice, although he doesn’t yet have the balls to admit why this is the case.

“Oh,” Kurenai nods. She clutches his hand. “You’re going away.” She says quietly.

“Not away,” he says, “I’m just stepping back.”

“Yuugao,” she says quietly. In all honesty, she had seen this coming. Surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.

“Yeah, Yuugao.” He says quietly. “You have Genma though, and you can always call me if you need anything, and I am still going to see you at least once a week…”

“But Yuugao is your partner,” Kurenai squeezes his hand. “And you’re a good guy, who does the right thing.”

“Don’t say it like that,” he says, “you’re being dramatic.” Kurenai shakes her head.

“No, Raidou, you really shouldn’t hang around here.” Kurenai swallows. “You should go to Yuugao. I’ll be okay. I’m going to be a mom.” She smiles, even though her eyes are sad, using a soft voice that cuts him deep. She tries not to think about how badly she wants to kiss him.

Contrary to popular belief, pregnant people are just as horny as the rest of the population. It’s just frowned upon for them to be obvious about it. Kurenai feels even more ashamed, because Raidou isn’t the father of her child, and Asuma is dead. She can’t imagine what new circle of Hell she and Raidou would end up in if they had sex while she was heavily pregnant with Asuma’s baby and he was still with Yuugao. That doesn’t mean that, at times when she is by herself and ‘lonely,’ that she hasn’t thought about Raidou bending her over and going to town. It’s a regular fantasy of hers. She won’t commit the emotional self-harm of fantasizing about sex with Asuma, but Raidou, who is also permanently unavailable, is just fine. Life is _full_ of contradictions.

Raidou nods once, twice. “Okay,” he says in a small voice. “I’ll see you around.” Kurenai squeezes his hand harder, not wanting to let go. Raidou simply stands there, patiently waiting to get his hand back.

“You really stepped up for me,” she says softly.

“Kurenai…” he trails off, making a defeated noise as he exhales. _We’re back at the beginning_.

“No, I need to say this.” She says. “I love you. Like, the big, total kind, and I want you to be happy. That means you don’t have to come back here, if it means you’ll be unhappy in the long term. I am going to step up for you and tell you that you can go.” Raidou raises his eyebrows. He never thought he would live to see the day where Kurenai would tell him that, if he needed to, he could leave her behind.

“That’s not going to happen,” he says. “But I am going to take a break.” He softens. Kurenai smiles softly at him and releases his hand.

“You still want to see me?” she asks.

“At least once a week,” he says, “but no sleepovers.”

“Okay,” she hums, “okay.” But she gets him at least once a week.

**

After leaving Kurenai on her front steps, Raidou buys a pack of twenty juice boxes and walks over to Yuugao’s office. She has her headphones on, bopping her head. She is wearing her glasses, frowning over a document. He doesn’t bother knocking, he just walks in and sits on the desk beside her. She looks up at him, blinking, before removing her headphones.

“Hello?” she asks. Raidou holds up the juice boxes, before placing them on her desk. They are the brand she likes best. She smiles when she sees them. _You still love me._

“You busy?” he asks. Yuugao pouts.

“I could be. This file is melting my brain.” She sighs. “What brings you here?”

“Well,” he says, “I came here to tell you that I had a conversation with Kurenai, and I won’t be sleeping over there anymore.” He doesn’t miss the way Yuugao’s face blooms open. “I want to move forward with you.”

“Even after Kakashi?” she asks quietly. Raidou sighs.

“Well, if you still want me, I guess.” He smiles, “I’m not a living legend or anything, but I don’t think you’ll find anyone who can give it to you like I can.” Yuugao blushes and rubs her thighs together.

“Of course, I want you,” she says. Her whole _thing_ with Kakashi had centered around the fact that she wants Raidou.

“Good.” He bobs his head once, twice. “Want to go get lunch?”

“It’s a little early for you to be hungry,” she says, checking the time. “Do you even want to eat?”

“Not really,” he replies, “but I want to spend time with you.” Yuugao smiles up at him.

“You’re getting pretty soft in your old age,” she says. Raidou, instead of responding, takes her face in both of his hands and kisses her forehead and hairline as she whines. _I want to eat your youthful brain_. He only stops when she tells him that they should just go back to their place and have sex instead of eating lunch. He uses a time-space jutsu, and they are in bed within a minute.

**

Raidou and Kakashi still aren’t really talking, but Aoba insisted that they both come out. _You two are going to get over it_ , he had reasoned. Raidou looks over at Kakashi, who hasn’t said a word to him all evening. _I doubt it_. Yuugao’s boredom really did a number on Kakashi. Raidou would feel bad, if Kakashi hadn’t been angling to fuck his girlfriend.

They have spent the last half hour listening to Aoba talk about how he and Anko are trying to use cough syrup to make some sort of hallucinogen. There is no substance Aoba and Anko won’t try, and he is convinced that this is going to be a fun experiment.

“This sounds like an urban legend,” Genma says.

“Every legend comes from somewhere,” Aoba chirps.

“Isn’t that the thrust of that alien show you watch, Genma?” Raidou asks.

“Hey, that’s culture.” Genma retorts. He opens his mouth to add something to the effect of _I’m the only cultured one present_ , when he spots Yuugao, coming towards their table. Not missing the chance to take the piss out of Kakashi and Raidou, he grins when she gets closer. “Hi Yuugao,” Genma says, with a shit eating grin, waving his fingers. He’s rewarded by Kakashi’s eye bulging and Raidou’s faux-innocent grin.

“Hi guys,” she says, not looking at Kakashi, who is now not looking at her. Aoba looks between her and Kakashi, doing the math in his head.

“Why’re you here?” Raidou asks, standing up.

“I wanted to walk you home,” she smiles. Raidou blinks at her, a little speechless.

“I can get home myself.” He says softly. Yuugao shrugs.

“I like spending time with you,” she says. Genma makes a gagging noise, causing Raidou to glare in response.

“We should get going,” Raidou says, pulling money out of his pocket. He leaves it on the table, before they leave the bar.

The night air doesn’t sting; it just snaps a little. Yuugao takes his hand in hers, twining her fingers between his. It feels like they are a couple again.

“Thanks for picking me up,” he says.

“Don’t mention it,” she smiles, squeezing his hand. “I like seeing your friends.”

“Even Kakashi?” Raidou asks. He noticed that they weren’t making eye contact. Yuugao frowns and looks away.

“I told him that I don’t want to talk anymore,” she says. Raidou tilts his head.

“You don’t have to pretend he doesn’t exist,” he says.

“Yes, I do,” she says forcefully, not looking at Raidou. He keeps in step with her, but he frowns to himself.

“Did you two do anything?” he asks, “I won’t be mad. Just tell me.” She grips his hand a little too tightly.

“No,” she lies. Raidou can tell she is lying, but he decides not to challenge her. _Let sleeping dogs lie_ , and all that.

**

_The rave is better than any of them expected it to be. Even Kakashi is talking to a girl, and Aoba and Asuma long ago disappeared into the crowd. Shizune was last seen in the corner with Guy, taking the job of his wingman. Kurenai is at the bar next to Anko. They’ve all taken a pill of some kind, and Kurenai is simply riding the wave, Anko smiling beside her._

_“You two look stupid.” Genma comes up behind Kurenai._

_“You’re so rude.” Kurenai says with a smile._

_“Then why are you smiling?” he asks. Kurenai shrugs. She is at utter peace with the world. Covered in glitter and sweat, she feels like she is being reborn. When she doesn’t answer, Genma groans. “You are way too fucking high.”_

_“No, I’m not,” she smiles, taking his face in her hands. “You’re pretty, Genma.” Anko cackles beside her, and Genma puts his hand over Kurenai’s wrists._

_“You need to go home,” he says, looking around. Raidou isn’t too far away. He’s coming back from the bathroom, and nods when Genma waves him over._

_Raidou sighs when he sees the look on Kurenai’s face. She is high. Like, stupid high. Well, maybe not quite stupid, but definitely up there. Anko smiles at Raidou._

_“You need to take her home,” she says. Raidou snorts._

_“And leave you and Genma alone?” he asks. Anko blushes, but Genma is too busy reasoning with Kurenai to listen._

_“Let me go.” He says._

_“No,” Kurenai replies, smiling._

_“Why?” Genma whines. “You never call me pretty when you’re sober.”_

_“Because you’re not pretty unless she’s high,” Raidou steps up to Kurenai, whose face lights up when she sees him._

_“Raidou,” she sighs, letting go of Genma. Raidou smiles, opening his arms to her, knowing better than to challenge her. She wraps her arms around his waist and presses her head into his chest. Anko smirks._

_“Big Bad Raidou, comforting Little Kurenai,” Anko says in a sing-song voice._

_“Big Bad Raidou,” Genma says, “has a ring to it.” Raidou frowns._

_“Shut up.” He says. Kurenai turns her face to look at Anko, still pressed up to Raidou._

_“Don’t be mean to him,” she says softly. “Raidou is kind.” Anko smiles._

_“He’s so kind that he is going to take you home,” Anko coos, “isn’t that right?” Raidou kisses the top of Kurenai’s head._

_“Let’s go, Raidou.” She mumbles, pulling away from him. She takes his hand in hers, and pulls him away, not even saying goodbye to any of their friends. Raidou follows her, watching the way her back sparkles from all the glitter on it._

_Her sweat has made the body shimmer uneven. She’s still luminous, but that’s just her. “Kurenai,” he says, “what did you call yourself earlier?” Kurenai looks over her shoulder and grins with all of her canines._

_“A heavenly body,” she replies, squeezing his hand. It makes his throat lock up._

_*_

_He held Kurenai’s hand the whole walk back to the barracks. They both moved there a few months after his brother died. It hurt too much to be at home. Kurenai parents’ house sits empty, and Raidou is renting out his parents’ place to a family. It’s strange, not having a home anymore._

_Kurenai drags Raidou to her room, humming._

_Her head is beginning to clear. She wasn’t fucked up in the first place, so much as she was in the swells. But the cold night air and the walk helped bring her back to earth. He clucks when she opens Genma’s door, which was left unlocked, and he watches her as she kicks off her shoes and stumbles over to the washroom. He watches her squeeze toothpaste onto her finger, and rub it onto her teeth, of all things. He smiles, walking into the bathroom to sit on the closed toilet._

_“Why are you brushing your teeth?” he asks. Raidou doesn’t bother to ask why they are in Genma’s room. It all seems beside the point. Kurenai doesn’t answer for a minute, choosing to wait until she spits. He watches use the back of her wrist to wipe her mouth, her lips just a little open. She always wears red lipstick, and it’s smudged a bit._

_“Because I want to kiss you.” She says this like it is the most logical thing in the world._

_“You’re pretty fucked up,” he says. Kurenai washes her hands before walking over to him._

_“So are you,” she says, “we’re both too glittery and pretty and high to not have sex.” Deep in her tummy, she knows that this is right. Raidou rolls his eyes at her reasoning._

_“Let me get this straight,” he says, “we are covered in too much glitter and too high to not have sex?” Kurenai nods, gravely serious._

_“I never joke about sex with you.” She grabs a tissue and takes off her red lipstick. Raidou watches her; the shimmer on her legs, how her little spine and shoulder blades pop out of the skin of her back, the crescent scar inside of her thigh. It’s funny that someone as pretty as her is into a regular looking guy like him. Disfigured, too, if you take the scar into account._

_“You need a better sense of humor,” he replies._

_“You need to get naked,” she throws the tissue into the garbage. Raidou sits on the toilet seat, head tilted._

_“Do I?” he asks, grinning. Kurenai, instead of nodding, lifts her shirt over her head, and takes her shorts and underwear off in one tug. Raidou sits there, momentarily struck. It’s been just under a year, but he still can’t quite believe that he gets to have sex with her. Kurenai is the kind of pretty you want to bind your soul to. He has no idea how Genma is immune to her, and quite frankly, Raidou is thankful that he is not._

_“Do you think my nipples are funny?” she looks down at them. He can tell by the twinge in her voice that this is a genuine insecurity. Raidou opens his arms to her._

_“I would never joke about your nipples,” he says. Kurenai looks doubtful. “Come here and let me show you how seriously I take them.” Kurenai walks over and sits on his lap._

_He is still a little fucked up from the drugs, too. He feels an immense heat in the pit of his stomach. Raidou kisses the tip of her collarbone and traces a circle around a nipple with his pointer. Kurenai smiles a little._

_“I think they’re just as pretty as the rest of you,” he says softly. Kurenai does a wiggle on his lap, the kind that means she is happy to have his full attention. She turns to look at his face, smiling._

_“Your mouth is covered in glitter,” she says, before leaning in and kissing him. He’s only wearing a tank top and shorts, but she thinks he is overdressed. She holds a hand over his cheek, as if she were afraid that he wants to turn away from her. That is, emphatically, not the case. He holds her closer, so close that she squeaks a little. Raidou’s desire just surprised her a little._

_“Sorry,” he sighs into her mouth._

_“Don’t apologize,” she replies, “just get naked, please.” She moves away, standing up. Raidou, dazed, takes off his shirt, and stands up to take off his shorts. He leans over to lock the door. Kurenai watches him come to her, kneeling down in front of her. “What are you doing?” she asks._

_“Making sure we don’t scar Genma.” He pauses, “and now, I’m going to eat you out.” He looks up at her, a completely innocent expression on his face._

_“Just me?” she asks. He blinks._

_“What do you mean?” he replies._

_“For the rest of time.” Her voice is small and soft. “You’re just going to have sex with me for the rest of time, and I’m going to be the only girl you eat out, right?”_

_Raidou tilts his head, looking up past the soft swell of her lower belly and the smooth plane of her stomach. The truth is, he hasn’t thought that far ahead. Forever is a concept he is aware of, but it is one he tries to avoid. He likes to keep things simple._

_“Forever?” he asks._

_“Infinity,” she replies. Raidou thinks over this for a second. He doesn’t really see himself as boyfriend material, and while he loves Kurenai immensely, he knows better than to assume that she will always be satisfied with what he can offer. So, he doesn’t see the harm in conceding forever, even though he knows it will never come to pass. They are nineteen and twenty-three. It’s not going to last forever._

_“I’ll give you infinity,” he says softly. Kurenai chirps, something he thinks is very funny, but for the sake of keeping up appearances, he keeps a straight face. He parts her thighs and takes a second to admire her. He doesn’t know if it is the hazy glimmer of the drugs or a genuine feeling bubble up inside of him, but whatever it is, he lets it speak through him. “Kurenai,” he says, “I love you.” She smiles down at him._

_“I know,” she smiles. It’s a little different from when she’s sober. It’s sedated; dopey. She likes coke, but her favorite drugs are the kind that slow you down just a little. Raidou breathes her in and puts his mouth against her._

_Kurenai puts her hand on the back of his head, guiding him in, closer and closer. She breathes easier, when his mouth is against her. She sighs and looks up at the ceiling. The big watermark. The crack that runs through it. Kurenai wonders if watermarks have shorelines. A little edge that defines the difference between damaged and pristine plaster._

_As she looks up, Raidou pulls her back down, and Kurenai hums in the back of her throat. It doesn’t matter how many times he eats her out, it always feels good. It always will. She scratches his scalp and he gets even closer. She throws a leg over his shoulder and she stands there, twisted around him as she leans down, down like a crane, curving herself over him._

_It’s like they become one gnarled being. Kurenai sputters over him, and Raidou takes it as encouragement to go further. Neither of them wants to stop or separate. It’s common to refer to sex as a knot or a tie but in their case, they truly become twisted and tangled together. Kurenai places the flat of her palm on his back, as if trying to create another point of connection. She wants to press herself all over him, wrapping him up._

_Naked in Genma’s bathroom, under the harsh institutional light, covered in glitter and shimmer, Raidou finally tears an orgasm out of Kurenai. It feels so good that it breaks through the fog of the comedown. She coils around him, holding him tight as he helps her ride it out. She hangs over him, her hair brushing his back. She looks at his spine, and leans forward, in a sense, diving over his head to kiss his back. Raidou bows his head, putting his mouth to the inside of her thigh. They stay there, panting, twisted around each other. It is Raidou who speaks first._

_“You okay?” he asks. Kurenai nods, her chin bumping his back._

_“Uh-huh,” she replies. Raidou presses the side of his head to the inside of her thigh. They fall silent again._

_Kurenai stands up slowly, unwrapping herself from Raidou. “We smell disgusting,” she says. Raidou smiles._

_“We smell like we just had really good sex,” he smirks, “and we are going to smell even better.” He stands up and looks around for a good spot. Genma can easily clean his bathroom. “Why are we here, anyway?” he asks. Kurenai stretches up, and his stomach gets itchy when he sees the curve of her waist stretched._

_“I thought,” she sighs, “that we would just fool around and wait for him to get back and do more drugs.” It’s true. Getting naked had been a spur of the moment decision. Raidou walks around the bathroom, hands on his hips._

_“Where are we going to do it?” he looks around. The bathroom is small. “I want to look at your face.” He pouts a little bit, and Kurenai melts._

_“Sit on the toilet,” she smiles._

_“You’re going to ride me on the toilet?” Raidou, thinking this is hilarious, sits on it. The lid is closed, obviously, and he opens his arms to her. Kurenai smiles at him, before flipping off the lights. Genma’s mother gave him a nightlight for his bathroom, and nagged him so much that he finally plugged it in._

_The light is a soft blue. Kurenai walks over to Raidou and sits atop him. “For a second,” he says, “I didn’t think I would get to see you.” Kurenai smiles at him. She could say a lot of things. About how he makes her heart burst, the way he makes her feel glimmery on the inside. She could talk about his handsome face, his nice shoulders. She could tell him of her adoration for all the muscles and tendons and fat and skin and bone and organs and blood and soft tissues that form him. But there are no actual words that could convey how it feels to see his face in the blue light, looking at her with the same love she has for him._

_Kurenai kisses him, softly, before finding him and bringing him home. Raidou rocks against her, his feet planted on the floor. Kurenai can move a little bit, but all the big things are up to him. He likes it, this way. Raidou wants to take care of her. It’s why he is so thorough when he fucks her. He wants her to know how much he loves her._

_She sighs into his mouth as he gets moving. It makes him feel powerful. Not for the first time, he feels very lucky that she chose him. Kurenai could have anyone, and while he doesn’t vocalize his appreciation often, he’d like to think that it is evident from the way he moves inside of her. He kisses her jaw, the underside of her throat. He is continually amazed by how soft she is, for someone who survived a war. It changed all of them, but thankfully, it left her mostly unscathed. He is glad that she gets to live a relatively untraumatized life. When they are like this, sometimes, he fantasizes that they are two normal people and that he is the kind of person with an honest job who deserves the adoration and love with which Kurenai treats him._ I want to deserve you _, he thinks, his mouth over her carotid._

_Kurenai moans a little bit, and he chases that noise, with his hand on her hips and his mouth on her neck. He makes her feel floaty, like he is pushing her up to the sky. Higher and higher. Fucking Raidou feels like you are tasting stars. Bright and glittery and white hot. He sucks on her neck and she feels alive. Kurenai closes her eyes, enjoying the feeling of being the only person Raidou loves, when they hear the door open and shut, and three sets of footsteps. Genma is saying something to Anko, and Aoba is saying something in response._

_Raidou and Kurenai keep quiet, well, as quiet as they can. They hear the moment Genma realizes their shoes are there, and Kurenai jumps a little when Genma rattles the doorknob just to spook them, before someone turns the music up. Raidou feels a little self-conscious, with other people so close to them. Sex with Kurenai feels disclosive, like the universe is revealing something very special, just to him. He doesn’t like the idea of other people knowing the truth he finds inside of her._

_Kurenai does not care that other people are there. She wants Raidou to claim her, to make her his in front of everybody. Raidou hesitates, and she decides that she won’t risk it. “Raidou,” she says in a low voice, “if you stop, I am going to cut your dick off.” Raidou blinks, giving it to her harder without a second thought._

_“You wouldn’t dare,” he says. Kurenai moans, and the music is cranked up. They can smell the pot all the way in here. She wants him to go harder, so she leans over to speak right into his ear._

_“Try me.” He bumps her hard and she smiles. He can tell that he needs to kill it dead soon._

_“You’re lucky that it feels so good to be inside you,” he huffs, “otherwise, I’d pull out just to see if you’d actually do it.”_

_“Really?” she asks. Raidou nods._

_“If I can’t fuck you right, I don’t deserve to have a dick,” he says, moving harder. It’s the hottest thing he has ever said. Kurenai wraps herself around him, and he gives it all. They don’t bother to keep it quiet, in the end. Raidou can’t stop himself and Kurenai won’t stop herself._

_Raidou feels his orgasm in the soles of his feet, which are planted on the ground but feel like he is in midair. Kurenai pants into his ear and kisses it before she leans back. They stare at each other. He’s still inside her, and they are both way sweatier than before. Raidou leans forward and licks her neck, from the hollow at the base of her throat to the underside of her chin. Kurenai hums._

_“I should threaten castration more often.” She smiles. It’s a dreamy, dopey smile. Raidou grins back._

_“You would never do it.” He says, “you like my penis too much.” Kurenai clenches around him, making him grin even bigger._

_“I want to stay here forever,” she pouts. Raidou sighs, looking at her softly._

_“It does suck that we have to put our clothes back on,” he replies. Kurenai stands up, and he winces when they part. He sits there, watching her get dressed. Raidou could watch her forever. It’s dumb and juvenile but it’s true. She smiles at him, and he can tell she is sleepy. He stands up and searches for his own clothes. Kurenai leans against the door and insists on hugging him before he unlocks the door. When they step out, Genma, Aoba and Anko are smirking at them._

_“Fun night?” Genma asks, his voice innocent. Raidou frowns while Kurenai picks up their shoes in her hands._

_“Better than getting stoned with you three,” Raidou hits back. He’s touchy when it comes to Kurenai. Aoba shrugs, not disagreeing, while Anko and Genma decide to ignore Raidou and Kurenai. Raidou mean mugs them one last time, before turning to Kurenai._

_“Ready to go to bed?” he asks in a quiet voice. She nods, and leaves Genma’s room first. Raidou follows her and doesn’t say anything when she opens her unlocked room._

_She dumps their shoes on the ground and walks over to the bathroom. She pees while Raidou brushes his teeth. He leaves the bathroom before her, taking off his clothes and climbing into bed. She undresses in the bathroom. Raidou smiles when he sees her naked, pushing the comforter back. She slips in beside him, rolling right up to his side._

_“Raidou,” she sighs._

_“Yeah?” he grunts._

_“I like you more than your penis,” she says softly. Raidou snorts._

_“What?” he asks. Kurenai looks up at him with big eyes. Her sleepy, comedown, post-orgasm brain is something else._

_“I just want you to know.” Her voice is still soft._

_“Know what?” he asks._

_“That I love you. It’s not just about your dick.” She presses her face into his armpit and breathes him in. Raidou looks down at her._

_“I’ve never thought that,” he says. Kurenai pokes his side with her tongue instead of responding. “I’ve always known that you love me.” He says. He feels Kurenai smile against him, before they both drop into the pitch black of sleep._

**

When they finally get back home, Yuugao walks over to the couch as soon as she slips her shoes off. Raidou watches her legs, in her pretty little white dress, and feels the familiar hum of desire. He takes off his flak jacket and shoes, before following her over to the couch. When she looks up at his face, she can tell what he’s thinking of doing.

“You’re such a horny old man,” she says, opening her legs. He kneels between them, kissing her neck.

“You’re the one whose legs are open.” He smiles when he feels her shiver. Yuugao wraps herself around him, kissing him deep. Raidou flips her dress up, smiling. “I love it when you wear these little dresses.”

“I do it for you,” she mutters against his mouth. Raidou lets her kiss him deep as one of her hands sneaks up his shirt, and he touches the back of her leg. Despite everything that has happened between them, they’ve never had bad sex. There was definitely point where sex and habit were what kept them together, but they both hope that they are moving past their problems.

Raidou kisses her jaw while Yuugao sighs. She runs her hands down from his chest, his stomach, down to the zipper of his pants. She only has time to undo the button before he moves away, hovering above her. He takes in her flushed mouth, her delicate little collarbones, the frustrated expression on her face.

“Are you frowning?” he asks.

“No,” she mumbles, sitting up on her elbows.

“You definitely aren’t happy with me,” he says in a sing-song voice.

“Because you aren’t inside me,” she sighs.

“Because I want to do this right,” he says, looking around. Yuugao puffs her cheeks.

“Raidou, you definitely know how to do me right.” She loves him for a lot of reasons, but the sex is in the top five. He raises an eyebrow.

“You’re so into me.” He states. He’s not even being conceited or an asshole. Their relationship is predicated on the fact that they are both very into each other. Raidou is the first to admit that he doesn’t deserve her adoration.

Yuugao, on the other hand, deserves it all and more. He looks down at her, and he feels his heart lock up with all the things he wants to share with her. Raidou is giving her one of his very soft looks. It makes Yuugao want to open her mouth and swallow him whole. Raidou is easily the most intense person she has ever been involved with. Hayate was always fun, light-hearted. He pulled Yuugao out of her shell. When he would hover above her, she always felt like she was being protected. Raidou makes her feel exposed, like he can see all her soft bits, the blood and viscera. They both make her feel seen and loved, but she has grown accustomed to Raidou’s intensity.

She misses Hayate, which is partially why she tolerates Kurenai. If Hayate were alive, she wouldn’t have given Raidou time of day.

Yuugao frowns at her own thoughts. As a rule, she doesn’t like to think of Hayate when Raidou hovers above her, looking at her like he wants to eat her all up. Fortunately, Raidou is very good at getting her attention.

“Where are you?” he asks. Yuugao looks up at him.

“Thinking about how we got together.” She tightens her legs around his waist. “So, why are you making me wait?”

“Because I want to show you that I’m ready for you.” He kisses her softly. She opens her mouth, arching into him. “I want you to know that you’re the person I want to be with _._ ” _I want to murder all doubt_. “I am going to give it so good that you’ll never doubt me again.” Yuugao bites her lip. It’s hot to hear him talk like that, but she also knows that she never doubts him when he is inside of her. She doesn’t think he’s capable of emotionally absent sex.

No, her doubts manifest when she is in bed alone while he is with Kurenai. Since that won’t be happening anymore, she is optimistic that they can go back to how things were. She wants to go back to the first three years, when they were so happy and in love that it made her teeth hurt. _We’re going to be alright._

“I’ve never doubted you when you’re inside of me.” She puts a hand on the side of his neck. She rubs her thumb in a circle.

“I want you to feel special.” He pauses. “I want you feel how special you are to me.” _I choose you_. He wants her to feel him choosing her, if it’s possible.

“That’s like reinventing the wheel,” she says.

“Challenge accepted.” He smiles the way he does when he has decided how he is going to give it to her.

Yuugao rolls her eyes. “So, how’re we going to do it?” Raidou smiles.

“I kinda like the idea of you being on top.” He says, “you’re prettier than me.” She snorts.

“You look good on top of me.” She replies. He just looks _right_. Raidou winks and stands up. Yuugao lies down on the couch, watching him. Raidou pulls off his shirt. He drops his pants, and then it is just him.

Raidou has clearly had a hard life. They all have. He told her that scars are special, because they are, more often than not, the reason someone is still standing. _Can you imagine if nothing grew back after the hit I took to the face?_ There are many healed wounds on his body where, if they had not mended, would be lethal. Yuugao swings her legs and stands up, walking up to him. She puts her hands on either side of his face and sighs when he kisses to her. He embraces her, making her tummy prickle. “What are you going to do to me?” she asks softly. Raidou smiles.

“I want to be your animal.” He says softly, repeating words she had said to him. The side of Yuugao’s neck tingles when he says it.

“What does that mean?” she asks.

“If I recall, when you were the animal, you wanted to me keep my clothes on.” He kisses the edge of her jaw, walking backwards to the couch. Yuugao smiles.

“I’ve never had a man want me to keep my clothes on.” She says, watching him sit down on the couch.

“Well, how would we know I’m the animal if we’re both naked?” he says. It makes sense in his head. Yuugao grins.

“Okay, I’ll keep my clothes on,” she says, walking up to him. Yuugao stops in front of him. Raidou places a palm on either thigh. He looks up at her as he slides his hands up, up, up to hook his fingers into the waistband of her underwear. Raidou pulls them down, and she steps out of them, watching him toss the pink lace onto his clothes.

Raidou looks at her as a minute of silence passes. Yuugao tucks her hair behind her ears, and she puts a hand on his cheek. She rubs a thumb over the scar, and he sighs. He’s not Big Bad Raidou, not now, not with her. She can tell that the real Raidou is here. It’s in his soft eyes, the way his hands rub her thighs.

She climbs onto his lap, kissing him when she’s close enough. “What are you going to do to me?” she asks softly. “How’re you going to be my animal?” Her hot breath on his mouth makes him tingle.

“I’m going to treat you like a person,” he replies, searching for her with a hand. When his fingers find her, she sighs and kisses him.

They’ve been together enough times that she can predict almost every move he’ll make, and that almost makes it better. Familiarity is the best kind of intimacy. He is soft today, sticking to the outside of her while she climbs down his throat. She is frustrated by the fact that she’s wearing a dress. Yuugao wants to press her bare tummy to his and pretend that they could actually fuse together.

“Do you need me to have my clothes on?” she sighs, yipping when he hits a sensitive spot.

“Yes,” he says, “for now. You can take them off later.” _When I’m done making you feel special_. His thumb makes its familiar circle, and Yuugao grunts.

“Harder.” She says, “I want it to feel like you’re going to rip me apart.”

“I’m trying to be romantic,” he sighs. Yuugao grins.

“Animals aren’t romantic,” she says. Yuugao wraps her arms around his neck and pouts. “Violate me.” Raidou thinks about laughing, but he decides to not skip the beat. He slides two fingers in at once, and he grins at the surprise on Yuugao’s face.

“Is that enough?” he asks. Yuugao shakes her head.

“I want it to hurt.” She drawls. Raidou winks, moving both hands between her legs.

This is a trick he learned while with Kurenai, who once told him that he could finger her into lock jaw. A hand working the outside, with the second committed to the inside. That way, he can reach the inside and outside without neglecting either. He keeps his fingers inside of her, while he starts touching all around. Yuugao likes the way his brows furrow when he is concentrating on something. His jaw is tight, which is how she knows he is serious. At first, it feels a little awkward. Raidou can’t see what he is doing, and it takes a while to warm her up to the point where pain feels good. He is trying to violate her as _gently_ as possible, which is both amusing and incredibly sweet. He knows she can take it, but he wants her to feel special.

How does all of this feel? A big breath, and then another. The familiar golden feeling. A stretch that feels better the deeper it goes. A speedy kind of feeling, impossibly light. Being pulled down and pushed up. It all happens at once, and the violence of her orgasm surprises her. Her head hangs over his shoulder, and she presses his face into her shoulder, wrapping her arms around his head. She rocks on his hand, clenching him. The ragged way she says his name makes Raidou glow.

They don’t say anything to each other as he slips inside without asking. She wraps around him even tighter. Yuugao kisses his ear as he moves, holding onto her waist with everything he has. He digs his thumbs into her stomach, and she bites his ear lobe.

In-out, in-out. Back and forth. Rolling against each other. The straps of her dress fall over her shoulders, and Raidou yanks one of her bra straps down. Yuugao kisses him deep before begging for him to hurt her more. _Brutalize me_. He moves faster and Yuugao begs for more, because, as far as she is concerned, there can never be enough of him.

It takes its inevitably violent turn at the end. Yuugao tells him to go harder, and he obliges, moving the way she likes, which is without regard. _Yes, yes_ , she pants, _more_. Raidou kisses the side of her neck when she makes a frustrated noise. _Violate me_ , she demands, _rip me apart_. Her nipples itch against the lace of her bra. Raidou grunts as he moves faster. Yuugao hisses when he bumps her cervix, but she tells him to keep going. _Batter me_ gets tossed out there, and well, Raidou obliges.

Eventually he beats another orgasm out of her. She gasps, like she has been punched in the gut in the best way possible. She buries her face into the side of his neck and screams softly. He jerks up into her, and then relaxes back down. He puts his arms around her waist, and stares at the ceiling while she collects herself.

“You ripped me apart,” she says softly. Walking won’t be fun.

“I didn’t even get to see your guts.” He replies. Yuugao smiles, her face still pressed into his shoulder.

“I need to get up and shower,” she sighs, not moving.

“You don’t have to do anything.” He hums. Yuugao sits up, wincing.

“Yes, I do.” She says, “I can’t go into work feeling like I’m covered in cum and sweat.” Yuugao rubs her temples, and. Raidou smiles because it’s like she is talking about needing to pick up eggs for breakfast tomorrow.

“I came inside you,” he says, “you’re not covered in cum. _You’re welcome_.” He would have done it if she had asked though.

“You’re so generous.” She moves off of him, wincing. “Ow.” Raidou presses his lips together, concerned.

“You okay?” he asks. She nods her head, sitting beside him on the couch. The straps of her dress still hang off of her shoulders. She sighs.

“It was fun,” she says, “but I’m a little raw.” Raidou gives her an unreadable look.

“Can I do anything for you?” he asks. Yuugao leans against the back of the couch, crossing her arms.

“You’re going to hold me, right?” she says, “when we’re in bed?” Raidou nods, putting an arm around her. She puts her bare feet up on the coffee table, and he looks at the blue-green veins at the top of her feet. “What time is it?” Raidou checks his watch, and sighs.

“It’s not even 8:30 PM.” Yuugao laughs at the way he groans.

“Can we watch one of my reality television shows?” she asks.

“You’re making these requests like these aren’t things I already do.” He puts a hand on his stomach. “I ripped you apart. I’ll do anything for you.” Yuugao turns to him and smiles.

“Yeah, I guess you would.” She kisses his cheek, and Raidou scrunches his face. He wipes the spot she kissed, replying _blech, girl cooties_.

So, Yuugao climbs back on him, and kisses his face all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another early update. I'm going to try and keep doing this weekly, but things are picking up with my thesis and work, so if I take November off/only post once or twice, it's because I am toiling somewhere else (my misery, your misery etc etc). 
> 
> I love getting your comments. I feel like I ramble a lot in my replies, but that's because a) I studied philosophy and literature and b) these characters thrum with such life in my head that it is a relief to talk about them. Yamato is probably the only 100% not an asshole left in this story. I'm not sorry for how messy these people are, but it is frustrating to watch them act against their own best interests. I honestly don't think Genma and Aoba knew how much Kakashi liked Yuugao until she showed up and ignored him.
> 
> So yeah, that's really the only part of this that I felt needed to be explained. But please leave a comment if you want to. They make my day, and they help give me a sense of how the story is going (I wasn't planning on Shin laying down the law with Raidou until it was evident in a few of the comments that someone needed to confront him). It feels like the world is on fire. Thanks for taking the time to read this during the apocalypse, and stay safe out there!


	18. Distant Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rock and a hard place.

“If he’s as bad as they say, then I guess I’m cursed”

Lana Del Rey, “Happiness is a Butterfly”

_Fat, bitter and lonely_. Kurenai crosses her arms and looks out her window. Raidou hasn’t visited as frequently as he had promised. _Once again, I’m waiting for a man to come back_. She got with Asuma because Raidou was making her wait, and then Asuma went and fucking _died,_ and Raidou stepped up in his absence.

But, Raidou has a partner and a life, and he has decided that, at least for now, it is best that they spend some time apart. Genma rustles around the apartment, cussing under his breath at all the baby things that have appeared. “Your baby is taking up all the space in here, and she isn’t even born yet.”

“There’s enough room in my life for both of you,” Kurenai replies. It’s a morning like the one when Asuma left. _Is this a sign?_

“There isn’t enough room in this _apartment_ for the two of us,” Genma grumbles, squashing a box with his foot. “It’s me or the baby.” For all his wisecracks and petty comments, Genma takes the role of Kurenai’s guardian seriously. He yelled at her about eating too much fish the other day. _Do you know what mercury does to the developing brain?_ She told him that he is stricter than Raidou and he replied that it’s because he has more good sense.

“What are you really trying to say, Genma?” Kurenai sighs.

“That you need to move,” he says, “you can’t raise a kid in this shoe box!” He throws a smaller cardboard box in the air for emphasis. It falls just behind him.

“And Raidou says I’m dramatic…”

“That’s because he is _projecting_ ,” Genma says, “it’s easier than admitting that his feelings are messy.” Raidou has never meaningfully sat with an uncomfortable or bad feeling in his life.

“I know,” Kurenai replies. “He needs a place to put his bad feelings.”

“And you want to be that place?” Genma asks. Kurenai frowns. She would let Raidou climb inside of her, become a part of her. The question of whether or not she wants their relationship to be this way has never crossed her mind.

“I want to protect him,” she says. Genma sighs.

“You’re someone’s mom now,” he replies, “and you can’t protect him. He’s a grown man.”

“I protect you,” she says softly, “and you’re a grown man.” His face softens, and he tucks his hands into his pockets.

“We have a mutualistic relationship.” He says.

“Mutualistic is a word?” she asks.

“It’s one of three kinds of symbiotic relationships. Be grateful I’m not parasitic.” Genma says, picking a box up off of the ground.

“There isn’t a self-serving bone in your body, Genma,” she drawls. He smirks at her.

“I live to serve,” he says, stepping over another box on his way to the pile of broken ones.

**

Coming out of the shower, Raidou sees Yuugao brushing her teeth. She blinks at him in acknowledgement as he wraps a towel around himself. He is in a particularly affectionate mood, so he walks right up behind Yuugao and kisses the side of her neck. Yuugao makes a noise in her throat, and Raidou pulls back, staring at her. He spots a dark, coarse hair on the side of her neck, under her jaw.

Yuugao bends over and spits, rinsing and spitting again, before standing up. Raidou puts his head on her shoulder, looking at the little, hormonal hair. “You have a dark hair on your neck.” He smiles, before she squirms away to look at her neck in the mirror. Raidou frowns at her. “Is something wrong?”

“Is this the first time you noticed this?” she asks. Raidou blinks.

“I only just noticed the little guy.” He says. Yuugao groans.

“Don’t treat it like a person,” she says, reaching for her tweezers.

“Leave the little guy alone!” Raidou says. Yuugao frowns at him in the mirror.

“We live in a cruel world.” She replies. Raidou sighs.

“Well, then let me kill him,” he says, “since apparently, I signed his death warrant.”

“You want to pluck a hair out of my neck?” Yuugao turns to look over her shoulder. Raidou tilts his head.

“Why not?” he asks. Yuugao wordlessly hands him the tweezers and stands up. Raidou comes up behind her and uses his thumb and forefinger to stretch the patch of skin on her neck taut. He narrows his eyes and bites his lip, taking the base of the hair in the tweezers. “Ready?”

“Yes,” she says softly. Raidou pinches the tweezers and pulls back. Yuugao feels a pinch and closes her eyes. It’s uncomfortable but it’s nice to be the centre of his attention. _How many men would pluck a hair out of my neck?_ Probably Hayate, but he’s dead.

Raidou rubs the red spot on her neck, while staring at the dark hair in the tweezers. “I’m sorry little buddy.”

“Are you talking to my neck hair?” Yuugao asks, looking at him over her shoulder. Raidou places the hair on the pad of his pointer finger.

“Maybe,” he says, “make a wish?” Raidou holds the finger up to her mouth.

“Does it work if you plucked it out of me and it isn’t my eyelash?” she asks softly.

“Don’t pass on opportunities to make wishes,” he says. Yuugao looks up at him, giving him her doll eyes. She blinks once, twice. She leans forward and blows the hair away.

She doesn’t wish for anything.

**

Yuugao is a very pretty sleeper. She never snores or drools. Raidou watches her sleep on her back, her hands up over her head, palms and tummy to the sky. Kurenai is a drooler. Raidou knows this because he has woken up with her face in his armpit and her spit on his skin. He rolls onto his side, propping his head on his fist.

Yuugao makes soft, breathy noises in her sleep. When he wakes up in the night, they make him want to go back to sleep. Just rollover and bury his face into her side, breathe in the scent of her lotion. She laughed, the one time he told her that she smells yummy. _It’s because I want you to eat me up_. She’s kicked the covers down, and her sleep shirt has ridden all the way up to her breasts. The rest of her is exposed.

The big scar on her tummy is something Raidou is, more or less, used to seeing. It’s just another part of her body the way his scar is a part of his face. It would be weird to see her without it. He would even go so far as to say that he likes it. Sometimes, Raidou wonders if it would hurt or itch if she were pregnant. Like, would carrying a baby make her feel tight and ache-y? They’ll never know. He runs his pointer finger along the long line of the scar. She doesn’t wake up, clearly in the kind of deep sleep that looks like death. Raidou puts his palm over her lower stomach, where their babies would be.

She’s never going to get fat, like Kurenai. Yuugao will never have stretchmarks to mark where their baby nearly split her apart. Shin tells him that he needs to think about what he lost too. _What has been taken from you?_ It’s an exercise in empathy, like Raidou isn’t keenly aware of the fact he will never he a father. _What were your plans, the ones you never told Yuugao?_ Raidou rubs his thumb over the fuzz below her belly button.

“Yuugao?” he asks quietly. She scrunches her face, but she doesn’t wake up. He swallows. “Do you want to hear my plans?” Yuugao sighs, which he takes as a _yes_. “I want you to be happy. I want us to have a family, however that happens.” He pauses for a bit. Shin, specifically, wanted him to talk about what he had wanted to do when Yuugao was pregnant. “I don’t have any family left, but we would tell your mom and dad first, because we have to. I’d probably tell Genma and Kurenai, because they love me the most, out of everyone.”

“I planned for us to be one of those wholesome families. I would quit assassinations. You can’t be a dad and murder other people’s children for money.” She breathes deep in her sleep, her belly expanding and constricting, ribs moving in and out. “My parents were really outdoorsy, and I’d want to do that too, even though you probably wouldn’t want to do a lot of hiking and camping. I was going to make the guys help me put the baby’s room together, because even though they’re useless they can do some things right. I’d want to move, not now, but later.”

She looks at complete and utter peace, which is good, because this really, really hurts Raidou. It would be infinitely worse to tell her this while she is awake. “Yuugao, you always say you’re a dog person, but you’ve never owned a dog, so I doubt it. I never had pets growing up, so I would really want the kids to have a fish, or maybe a turtle. Something in a tank, that minds its own business, and requires enough care so that a kid learns how to be responsible and care for others, even when they’re boring.”

“I never really thought about names. That was going to be a you thing, since you’re the kind of girl who, I am sure, has secret baby names that you would never share with me until we had a baby, so I couldn’t leave and take them with me, even though I never would.” He pauses, pressing his hand into her stomach. Yuugao sighs in her sleep. “I wanted to buy one of those dumb kids towels, the ones with hoods that look like an animal. The cow one is cute, but you’d probably like the duck or the sheep.” As he goes on, he feels less self-conscious. There is a certain relief in finally talking about his feelings, about what it means to not conceive a child. Yuugao wants him to admit that he is devastated, something he is scared to give her, because he doesn’t want her to think that he sees her as a broodmare. He still sees a future with her, one that is happy and fulfilling.

He wonders if she still wants anything to do with that future. They are getting over it, but it’s an uphill battle some days. He doesn’t care about Kakashi, so much as what he represented. On some days, it feels like infertility upended their whole future together. Why are they together if they can’t have kids? Why Raidou, if he can’t do this one, simple thing? Raidou isn’t an idiot; you don’t start looking at Kakashi if you want to have kids.

The true fear: does Yuugao want Raidou regardless of what happens, or does she want him for a specific purpose? What happens when he is redundant? Is that why she chose Kakashi? Raidou swallows, staring at Yuugao’s face. Her lip twitches. “Do you still want me, Yuugao? Because sometimes, when it’s just you and me, and I think about everything, I wonder.” Raidou bites his lip. “I’m not a good, or honest, or open person. I’m grumpy and I lie and, more often than not, I’m kind of an asshole.” Raidou shuffles closer to her, pressing his stomach to her side. Yuugao, somehow, still hasn’t woken up. It’s a testament to how comfortable she is, how much she trusts him. “I’ve lied to you about some real big things.” Raidou whispers. “I’m sorry.”

It’s a copout to tell her when she is asleep, but he can’t imagine tearing her world apart at the seams. _Not only do you not get a baby, turns out the man you want to spend your life with is a cheating asshole_. It only happened four times, and he chose her in the end. But Raidou doesn’t get to judge whether or not that is a good or bad thing.

Shaking his head, Raidou returns to his morbid task. “Sometimes, I think about what our babies would be like. I hoped they would look like you, or my brother. I don’t particularly want them to look like me.” He feels a stinging in his eyes. It always starts at the bottoms of his eyeballs, like the tears come up from below. “They would have been really cute, and you would have been a really good mom. Probably the best. Our kids would be really lucky to have you. You’re just that great.” Raidou sighs. “Want to know a secret? You made me want to be a dad. I’d never really thought about it seriously because, well, I’m me. But you made it all feel possible, and you still do, but I understand if you don’t want that anymore.” The tears start to fall, and Raidou feels like a big baby _. I always make it all about me_. “I planned for us to be really happy.” He rolls onto his back and covers his face with both hands, letting himself cry.

Raidou is so busy wallowing that he doesn’t feel Yuugao wake up. She wakes up when she hears a noise that doesn’t sound right. Like a hiccup. She opens her eyes and turns to look at Raidou. He is, very clearly, crying. She frowns, concerned. “Baby?” Raidou whimpers in the back of his throat. She moves over, putting her arms around him, pulling him towards her. He rolls on top of her, pressing his face into her chest. She puts her chin on top of his head, rubbing his back.

“Did you have another bad dream?” she asks. Raidou sighs against her. His breath is hot and wet.

“Yeah, sort of.”

“What was it?” Yuugao curls her body around him.

“I don’t want to tell you,” he mutters. Yuugao runs a hand through his hair, which comforts him but somehow makes it hurt worse. _You would be an even better mother than the Moms_.

“Why?” she asks in a sleepy voice.

“Because it wasn’t a dream.” He sighs, “I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“How happy we were going to be.” Raidou embraces her then. He doesn’t need to elaborate on what their happiness was supposed to look like.

But this is the closest he has come to admitting how much it hurts him. Yuugao isn’t satisfied, but it feels good to know that he too, feels like something was destroyed. “We’ll still end up happy,” she sighs.

“You think?” he asks.

“We’re the kind of people who get happy endings.” She says, “I’m pretty and you are a man with a fucked up past.” Raidou laughs against her.

“That’s not how it works, and everyone deserve a happy ending.”

“Even serial killers?”

“Especially them.” Raidou sighs. “I’m a killer for hire. I’m like, _one step_ below a serial killer.” Yuugao kisses the top of his head.

“I don’t care.” _Because I’m the same_. Raidou says nothing, choosing to go to sleep. Yuugao looks at the moon until she feels him snore against her.

**

Aoba doesn’t take a whole lot seriously, with the exception of Anko’s birthday. Their friendship is, perhaps, one of the more wholesome relationships in their group of friends. They will mispronounce words at each other and cackle; sometimes, one of them will say one word to the other, and they will both giggle. Kakashi doesn’t really care to know the joke behind _audiophile_ , so much as why they chose that word. Since they were little kids, Aoba and Anko have been eating dirt and trapping bugs together. When they were teenagers, they started taking drugs together and Kakashi isn’t certain, but he is sure that Anko spat into Aoba’s mouth once. They were all really high, except Kakashi and Asuma, who, no matter how hard they tried, were never able to get as fucked up as everyone else. _Sucks to suck_ , Genma had said whenever Kakashi or Asuma complained about it.

Whatever. Kakashi’s hands are tucked into his pockets, watching Aoba look at several different dissected cats, preserved in formaldehyde. They are in an antique shop, and Aoba is kneeling, hands on his thighs, eye-level with the cats’ guts. Aoba is so serious that he has taken his sunglasses off. “Do you think Anko wants a cute one?”

“You know her better than I,” Kakashi drawls, looking around. There is a lot of taxidermy in this shop. None of it is very good.

“You’re right,” Aoba sighs, “she fucked Genma, clearly, she likes ugly things.” He pushes one contender aside. Kakashi eyes the cat. It definitely isn’t very cute. On the other hand, it is hard to be cute when your dead and preserved, with your guts exposed.

“Why are you getting her a dead cat?” Kakashi asks.

“Because she bought me large print of a vagina dentata last year, and I need to beat her this year.” He hums, “did you know that any time you see a reference to a woman’s belly in Medieval European literature, it is actually an allusion to their vagina?”

“Freak.” Kakashi sighs. He blames Aoba’s parents. He hung the vagina dentata right over his mantle, and apparently, his parents thought it was ‘cute,’ because they are just that cool and laid-back.

“You want to know what Anko told me about mainstream, hetero porn?” Aoba nudges another cat out of the way, leaving three.

“Do I want to know what Anko told you about mainstream porn?” Kakashi deadpans.

“You’re always so rude,” Aoba sighs. Kakashi resigns himself to his fate.

“What did Anko tell you about porn?”

“She pointed out that, if it’s a man and a woman, and it’s your mainstream production streamed from the internet, if you stop rubbing one out and take a moment to look at the woman, she almost always looks like she doesn’t want to be there. You can tell by the look in her eyes and the mascara running down her face. It’s because she’s crying, and not ‘coz it’s good.” Aoba says this like he is making a neutral observation, instead of a devastating and scathing comment on the willful ignorance of the male audience consuming mainstream pornography.

“What?” Kakashi blinks.

“Next time you’re doing your thing, hit the pause button. Nine times out of ten, the woman is going to look like she is in pain.” Aoba scratches his chin.

“Why are you telling me this?” Kakashi groans.

“Well, it blew my mind and I didn’t want to suffer alone.” Aoba says.

“Don’t we have other friends who you can ruin porn for?” Kakashi replies. He has been pitying himself lately, and well, everyone needs an outlet.

“You’re just sulky because Yuugao likes Raidou more than you.” Aoba says, “he _is_ her boyfriend, but I guess you aren’t used to being runner up.” Kakashi frowns, but he doesn’t say anything. Aoba isn’t wrong. “Do you think Raidou has choked Kurenai or Yuugao during sex?” Aoba asks. Kakashi’s eyes bulge out of their sockets.

“Where did that even come from?” _Do you really think about this?_

“Anko thinks so.” Aoba tilts his head, leaning in closer to look at one cat. “She bets that they yelled at him for not looking like he enjoys choking them.”

“Why do you and Anko even go there?”

“Kurenai and Shizune overshare and Yuugao has to be just as crazy because, _quote unquote_ , Raidou has a type.” Aoba nudges another cat out of the way. There are only two left. “Should I get the black cat or a tabby?” Kakashi breathes in deep and tries to block out the mental images of Raidou choking Yuugao, Kurenai _or_ Shizune mid-coitus.

“What difference does it make?” Kakashi asks. Aoba turns his head and looks at him like he is truly, irredeemably, stupid.

“Are you kidding me?” Aoba asks, “Anko deserves the best.”

“You two are something else,” Kakashi replies.

“Maybe if you were actually close friends with a woman, you would understand.” Aoba stands up straight, hands on his hips. “You and Yuugao could have had this, but you had to go and bring your dick into it.”

“Yes, because I really wanted to buy her dead things.” He supposes that flowers, once clipped from the bush, are technically dead.

“Hey, I could tell Anko that I murdered someone, and she would ask me where the body is,” Aoba says, “you can’t buy that kind of loyalty.” It doesn’t need to be said, but Kurenai would do the same for Genma. Considering the amount of time Yuugao and Yamato are starting to spend together, Kakashi guesses that they have the same thing going on. Yamato tells him not to pout, but it’s hard for Kakashi not to feel bitter. No one has ever said _no_. “You know what, the black cat is too on the nose. Tabby it is.” Aoba picks up the tank holding the tabby, and Kakashi follows him to the register.

**

He has been mulling the idea over in his head since he woke up after his meltdown. He wants to be a father, and he is very sure that Yuugao wants to be a mother. Seeing Kurenai have her family has made Raidou realize that he wants to start building a family sooner rather than later. Things aren’t happening the way they had wanted, but there is still a future to look forward to. So, Raidou went to Shizune and asked about adoption. She had smiled and given him a few brochures to look at. It makes him feel like, maybe, there is hope.

Sitting on the couch, Raidou looks at the brochures spread out before him. The process will be long, complicated. He and Yuugao might have to get married to do it. But the end result will be worth it. _We are going to have a family_. It makes something glow in his stomach. He turns his head when he hears Yuugao unlock the door and walk in. Her hair is up in a ponytail and she is wearing a black t-shirt dress. She had gone to visit her mom this afternoon.

“Hey,” he says. Yuugao smiles.

“How are you?” she asks.

“Oh, I’m okay.” He replies. How is your mom?”

“She’s herself.” Yuugao smiles. “She misses you.”

“I have no idea why,” he says, “I don’t really say much when I’m there.” Yuugao slips off her sandals and walks over to Raidou. She sits on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“It’s because you’re handsome,” she says, “a _dish_ , as my mother would say.” Raidou grins.

“Well, she made you, and she isn’t so bad looking herself.” Raidou kisses the side of her neck, and Yuugao hums. She likes his affectionate moods. He sucks on one of the golden hoops in her ears.

“You always tell me that I’m desperate, but you’re no better,” she says. Raidou taps his teeth against her earring in response. “That’s no defense.”

“I don’t need one,” he replies, putting an arm around her waist. He leans forward, and she watches him pick up a brochure. “I thought I’d start looking into this.” Yuugao tilts her head to the side, taking the brochure out of his hand.

It’s baby blue, with a cute baby on the front. _Adoption_. Yuugao frowns. She always knew it was an option, but it doesn’t appeal to her. There are many different ways to have a family, but Yuugao has always had a very traditional vision of how she would create her own. She wants to get fat and feel a baby kick around in her guts. She wants to be ripped apart and then be remade. She wants to keep a little piece of Raidou inside of her for nine months, to give him a legacy.

Raidou looks at her, hopeful. He thinks he may have found a solution to their problem. “We can have a baby,” he says, “or a kid, or a teenager. We can get a kid at whatever stage we want.”

“You make it sound like we are ordering something online.” She pats his face with her palm, looking at the brochure.

“I’m just saying, we can skip the diapers stage.” He smiles, “we could get a toilet trained kid.” Yuugao smiles sadly. She wants the whole experience. Poopy diapers, puke and snot on everything. Jammy handprints all over glass surfaces. Being unable to have nice things on low shelves for a few years. She wants screaming and crying and tantrums, because they are all worth it if they are a piece of Raidou. It’s the thing he doesn’t understand. Yuugao wants to make a little him. Adoption won’t give her that.

“Parenthood is all about embracing the worst,” she says. Raidou kisses her shoulder.

“Well, this gives us some flexibility.” He won’t have to worry about her being on-duty while pregnant, and she won’t have to set aside her career the way she would otherwise.

“I guess,” she hums, being noncommittal.

“Let’s get a baby,” he wraps his arms around her.

“A baby.” She hums.

“A real, living, breathing one.” He kisses the side of her neck. “A baby.” Yuugao looks down at the brochure, unsure if it makes her a bad person if she doesn’t want to adopt a baby. But she doesn’t want to disappoint him, so she doesn’t say anything.

**

Genma is in the bad habit of walking and eating at the same time. Kurenai’s mother always warned her that it is a good way to choke. He sticks a potato chip in his mouth, while she looks up at him. He takes her on evening walks, and he always snacks. It’s usually apples or carrots, but today, he treats himself to chips.

“You shouldn’t eat and walk at the same time,” she says.

“Why not?” he asks, mouth full.

“You could choke and die.” She says, “and then, I would be all alone.” Genma snorts in response.

“You’ll still have Raidou,” he says, “you can be the kid he and Yuugao adopt. They get a child and grandchild for the price of one.” Kurenai frowns. “What, is it too soon to joke about it?”

“What would ‘it’ be?” she asks.

“The fact that you and Raidou aren’t talking anymore,” he says. “It’s always inconvenient when you two do shit like that.”

“Sorry to be an _inconvenience_ to you.” Kurenai says. She is still a little bitter about him leaving her behind. Genma throws another chip into his mouth.

“I just don’t understand why you two can’t peacefully coexist.” Genma says, “I swear, you two are colluding to send me into an early grave.”

“It’s not about you.” Kurenai sighs. Genma throws another chip into his mouth, not wanting to say anything. “He’ll be a good dad,” she says softly. Genma offers her a chip. She crosses her arms and turns away, not saying anything.

**

The past few weeks have been good to Raidou. Since he has decided to embrace fatherhood, life has been easier. Lighter. He and Yuugao are still working out the specifics, but he feels like they are finally on the right path. He whistles as he walks into Shin’s office, hands in his pockets, posture relaxed. Shin raises an eyebrow at him but says nothing as Raidou flops down onto the chair. They eye each other for a few moments, before Shin opens his mouth.

“How are you?” he asks.

“I am good,” Raidou says, “very good, actually.” Shin nods, pulling out his legal pad and pen, before resting his left ankle atop his right knee, shin parallel to the floor.

“That’s wonderful to hear,” Shin says. “Any particular reason?”

“I have simply fixed all my problems forever.”

“All your problems, fixed forever.” Shin repeats it, clearly amused. Raidou nods.

“Well, not all of them.” While he would never call Kurenai a _problem_ , but she is somehow more present in her absence. He has spent the last few months sleeping next to her, waking up to her drool and sleep voice the way he did when they were together. It reopened some old wounds. He won’t deny it; but he isn’t trying to move past it. “But the big ones.”

“What were the _big_ problems?”

“My approach to relationships.” He says. Shin nods, waving a hand to ask Raidou to go on. “I had a conversation with Kurenai…”

“A whole conversation?”

“Well, a chat, really.”

“A chat. So, you sat down and clarified your relationship with each other?” Shin asks. Raidou blinks.

“Uh, no.” He shifts in his seat. “I told her that I needed to step back and focus on my relationship with Yuugao.”

“Alright,” Shin jots something down on his legal pad. “You’ve made a choice.” It’s progress, for someone like Raidou, who, more or less, lets life happen to him. Ideally, Raidou would have spoken with Kurenai and Yuugao separately, clarifying his feelings before making any kind of decision. If asked, Shin would say that Raidou is the kind of person who avoids uncomfortable and conflicting feelings by compartmentalizing. He, one thousand percent, believes that Raidou loves both Yuugao and Kurenai deeply. Shin just thinks that Raidou goes out of his way to avoid thinking about what it means to feel that way about two different people.

Raidou nods his head. “I think it has really helped. Yuugao and I spend a lot more time together.” He smiles, thinking about how nice it is to just be with her. “We aren’t fighting as much, and I feel like we are going somewhere. Like we have momentum.”

“ _Momentum_.” Interesting word. Not one Shin is used to hearing in the context of relationships, but the world is a wacky and wonderful place. “How so?”

“Well, we’re talking about adoption.” Raidou’s eyes crinkle. It makes Shin’s cold, dead heart warm a little. It’s obvious that Raidou wants to be a father. _We could all be great if all dads wanted fatherhood this much_.

“Adoption.” Shin remarks. “Seems fast.”

“Well, we only just started looking into it.” Raidou says, “but I mean, why wait for your future?”

“Indeed.”

“I feel like I have a purpose now.” Raidou says, “it’s like I can see clearly.”

“Ah,” Shin says. This has all been too easy, so he figures that Raidou is just as clueless as ever. “And things with Kurenai are over?”

“I’m just scaling back until we can renegotiate a more appropriate relationship.” Raidou taps his foot on the floor. “She is still my family. But I’m not her boyfriend, or the father of her baby, and I need to stand back and let her live her own life, independent of me.” He pauses. “She’s still my beneficiary and I’m her emergency contact, but I don’t sleep there or spend time with her. I’m committed to Yuugao.” Shin nods.

“Alright. Progress has been made.” Shin says. Raidou grins, because he feels like he is finally getting it right. He’s not, but he doesn’t know that yet.

**

Kurenai frowns at the form Shizune had given her. There is a stack of baby books by her elbow, on the kitchen table. Genma sits on the couch, his feet up on her coffee table, reading a book. She has grown accustomed to his constant presence in her life. He spends most of his time here, and at first, she thought it was because he felt sorry for her, but she suspects that Genma genuinely enjoys spending all of his time with her.

“Genma,” she says, “we need to go over my birth plan.”

“Your what?” he asks, turning to look over his shoulder.

“My birth plan.”

“What’s that?” he asks, an apprehensive look on his face _. Sounds messy_.

“It’s just a list of expectations for my birth experience,” she says, “like, do I want an epidural, who can be there, that kind of thing.”

“You mean I can’t just leave you there and come back when it’s over?” he asks. Genma is a good friend, but he doesn’t really want to be the one around when Kurenai is in labor. He doesn’t want to see her sweaty and red and in pain.

“I don’t have anyone else.” She says. Her parents and Asuma are dead and Genma is the one who spends most of his time with her. He is the natural choice.

“Why not Shikamaru?” Genma suggests, “that kid loves planning things, and he cares more about you then I.” Kurenai frowns at his suggestion.

“I’m not going over this with Shikamaru.” Kurenai won’t be responsible for forcing him to grow up. It’s why she tells him that he doesn’t need to come to her appointments. He’s supposed to be a kid.

“He’s more invested in your welfare, if only because he thinks Asuma will confront him in the afterlife.” Genma returns to his book, “I, on the other hand, have no such fear.”

“He’d be pretty mad if something happened to me because of you.” She hums.

“I don’t care.” Genma says. “Asuma lost his right to meddle in my life when he died.” Kurenai snorts and looks at the sheet in front of her.

“You are such an asshole.” She says.

“Me? _Never_.” Genma says. He reaches his hand into a bag of arrowroot cookies beside him and takes out a few.

“Can you stop eating baby snacks and pay attention?” she asks. Genma doesn’t even swallow his food before he replies.

“I don’t care if your baby splits you open or if you are given enough drugs to send a horse into a coma. At most, I’m just going to show up, hang out in the waiting room and say yes to whatever Shizune says.” Genma swallows his food in one obnoxious gulp. It strikes Kurenai that maybe, Genma is a little scared.

“I was expecting a worse answer.” She replies. “I’ll just give you a printout of the form, so, at the very least, you have it as a reference.”

“I’ll carry it with me, wherever I go,” he drawls.

“That’s all I ask,” Kurenai sighs.

Genma doesn’t turn back to look at her, but it doesn’t escape her attention that, starting the next day, he keeps checking a piece of paper in his pocket. It makes her feel loved. In a warm, real way.

**

One thing Yuugao never knew about Yamato is how good he is at active listening. She thinks her problems are repetitive and boring, but he always listens and offers thoughtful commentary. He has, quite quickly, become her confidant. Yuugao looks at his big eyes and frog-like face, waiting for his wisdom. She has never felt this kind of soul deep affinity for someone without romantic or sexual attraction. Yuugao just likes being in his presence.

Today, they are walking around the village. Yamato wanted to go on a walk, and Yuugao tagged along. Sometimes, she wonders if he finds her attention annoying. Today, he came to her place first, and asked if she would like to spend time with him. Raidou snorted when she practically skipped out the door. If Yamato finds her attention overwhelming, he doesn’t let on. The only person who gets under his skin is Kakashi; with everyone else, he is unflappable.

Yuugao watches him out of the corner of her eye. She thinks Yamato is handsome, like a cartoon character. He has big, dark eyes and a broad face. There is a vulnerability to him that compels her to be honest. Yuugao isn’t attracted to him, so much as she wants to protect him like he’s a little baby.

“You have a very lunar face,” she says. “I want to pinch your cheeks.”

“Pinch my cheeks,” he repeats slowly. She nods at him.

“I could watch you eat all day,” she says. Yamato blinks at her.

“Sounds like you need a hobby.” He replies, sticking another piece of apple into his mouth. He cut one up this morning and carries it with him all day. He’s not very good at eating breakfast, so he keeps lots of snacks on hand in the morning.

“I just _adore_ you,” she pouts.

“That doesn’t work on me.” He says, offering her a piece of apple. Yuugao takes it from his hand.

“What if I told you that I love you?” she asks. Yamato blinks at her, impassive. “C’mon, you wouldn’t even have a reaction?”

“This is my reaction,” Yamato replies. Yuugao hums in her throat.

“You look like I did when Raidou mentioned adoption.” She says. Yamato quirks his lip.

“ _Ah_ ,” he says, “that’s what has been bothering you.” Yuugao frowns. “You’re not very good at hiding how you feel.”

“You’re the only one who has ever said that to me,” she replies. Yamato shrugs.

“I’m not invested in you feeling a certain way,” he says, “that’s why I see you.” Yuugao sighs.

“Am I bad person if I don’t want to adopt?” she asks. “I spent so much time telling Raidou I want a baby, questioning his commitment, and now he is taking the steps towards realizing our family and…it’s just not what I had envisioned.” She sighs. Yuugao wants to grow a baby inside of her. You can make a family in many different ways, but Yuugao doesn’t want to adopt. Raidou is ready now, and he is so excited. She suspects that it is because he thinks he has found a ‘fix.’ Something just doesn’t feel right.

“Sounds like a Raidou problem,” Yamato says, not missing a beat.

“I don’t know how to tell him about this.” Yuugao sighs, “Raidou is trying, really trying, and I don’t know how to tell him that maybe there is nothing that can be done.”

“He’s not the kind of person who gives up.” Yamato replies.

“He doesn’t, even when he really should.” Yuugao says. She has resigned herself to a life without children. She knows that she will never want to adopt. It won’t be the same, for her. She always imagined herself pregnant, and there is no way to fix it.

“You should tell him this,” Yamato says, “he wants you to want your family with him. Yamato doesn’t really have an opinion of Raidou. They aren’t close, and he has no reason to dislike him. He feels confident saying that Raidou wants Yuugao to want their family too.

“It’s hard,” she says, “I don’t want to disappoint him or push him away.” Not after she spent so much time trying to be closer to Raidou.

“You’re pushing him away every time you don’t tell him the truth,” Yamato says. “People don’t have fatal flaws; they have communication problems.” It’s statements like this, that cement her love for Yamato.

“All I need to do to fix it is to be honest?” she asks. Yamato nods.

“You’ll both be able to make an informed decision.” He replies. Yuugao tucks her hands into her pockets.

“I want to be with Raidou,” she says softly, “it’s non-negotiable.”

“If he wants kids and you don’t, he needs to know.” Yamato sticks another bit of apple into his mouth. “You can’t get out of having the conversation if you’re going to spend the rest of your natural lives together.”

“You’re full of wisdom,” she says offhandedly. Yamato touches his tongue to the roof of his mouth. The root seal itches.

“It’s because I’ve done so many bad things.” He sighs, “we all have to learn eventually.”

“I guess.” She says. Yamato doesn’t say anything else, and she follows him in silence.

**

One minute, Raidou and Genma were cracking jokes, the next, they were staring at the smoking ruins of Konoha. _Oblivion._ That’s the only word for what is before them. Genma and Raidou are in what used to be the city centre in mere minutes. All around them, people are being pulled out of the wreckage. Raidou would say that he knew this place like the back of his hand, but there are no landmarks to guide him.

 _Yuugao_. His first thought. _Kurenai._ A close second. He can’t breathe. Raidou twists around, trying not to panic, while Genma starts looking for answers. _What happened? Where is everyone? Do you know where Kurenai is?_ He doesn’t ask about Yuugao, because they both know she is on active duty and, more than likely, somewhere in this mess.

At some point, Yamato and Aoba emerge, and they don’t have much more to say, other than that the village was attacked by a member of the Akatsuki, named Pain, and that Naruto had both saved the day and negotiated with Pain to return everyone who had died today, back to life. _Kakashi and Shizune are in pretty rough shape,_ Aoba says, _but they’re alive_. Genma, Aoba and Yamato all look over at Raidou, who is only half listening.

Like all of his colleagues, Raidou is very good at projecting an air of competence and calm. It takes a lot to freak him out. The possibility of Yuugao or Kurenai being alone, out in this wreckage, overwhelms his nervous system.

“Raidou,” Genma says, “are you alright?” Raidou swallows.

“I need to find Yuugao and Kurenai.” He won’t be helpful to anyone until he sees them both. Genma nods.

“I saw Yuugao out in the west end.” Yamato says. “I didn’t speak to her, but she’s upright.” _Upright isn’t good enough_. Raidou doesn’t even bother acknowledging Yamato before taking off. Upright isn’t good enough, but it is better than a lot of things. Her legs and pelvis can’t be broken, if she is standing up. She isn’t paralyzed.

Raidou knows that, if she is standing up, there is no way that she has been impaled like Asuma, but in his mind her body is transposed over his, and Raidou has to stop and wait for the nausea to subside. If Asuma’s ghost fucking sat there and watched Yuugao die, _Raidou will dig up his body and launch it into deep outer space himself_. Needless to say, the same goes for Kurenai.

He gets to what used to be the west end of the city and looks around. Their grocery store used to be on this corner. Raidou is trying not to call out, but he is finding it very hard to stay composed. Raidou walks further down the street and perks up when he spots her in the distance. She is, indeed, upright. Her arms are crossed, and she is talking to someone on her squad.

He sighs, and walks over, keeping quiet until she turns and looks over at him. She has her mask on, but he can tell from her posture that she is probably blinking at him and wondering why he looks so rough. He jogs up to her, and she takes off her mask.

Raidou never really stops moving as he grabs her around her waist and buries his head in her shoulder. Yuugao freezes, startled, her arms pointing out as he breathes her in. She smells like sweat and hot dust. Her arms slowly fall to encircle his waist, and it takes another minute for him to speak. “Are you okay?” he says into the side of her neck.

“Yes,” she murmurs, “are you?” Raidou steps back, and she spots the bandage on his arm. “The mission?”

“Yeah,” he replies, as she picks up his forearm and looks at it. “Did you do this?”

“Genma did,” he replied, “we only just got back.” Raidou look at Yuugao while she inspects the bandage. Her eyes narrow and she tests the tension of the bandage. “I nearly shit myself when I saw the village.”

“Big Bad Raidou confesses to being afraid?” she asks, smirking at him.

“It’s because I was afraid for you.” He says, “you and Kurenai.” Yuugao presses her lips together, putting his hand down.

“Kurenai is in the evacuation centre,” she says, “I checked.” Yuugao doesn’t like Kurenai, but she never would have forgiven herself if something happened to her. Raidou would be driven mad with grief, and she owes Asuma.

“Okay,” he says, “I should go find her.” He bites his lip. “Did you…were you one of the casualties today?” Morbid curiosity drives this question, more than anything else.

“No,” she says softly. “I was going to be here, whether Naruto succeeded or not.” Raidou takes her hands in his, looking at her softly.

There are many things that he could say right now. Big, cosmic things. Tiny, granular things. But there are no words for the kind of relief he feels seeing Yuugao there. He has to go find Kurenai, because he has to make sure that she is okay but seeing Yuugao alive and unharmed has done wonders for him.

“I don’t really have anything to say,” he hums, “I’m just happy that you’re okay.” He reaches out for her, and she embraces him once again. She tucks her face into his neck and inhales. Yuugao smiles when she realizes how bad he smells.

“You smell disgusting.”

“I haven’t showered properly in like, a week.” He says. Yuugao looks up at him, in her typical, adoring way.

“I’d lick you all clean if I had the time.” She smiles up at him. Raidou makes a face.

“I wouldn’t let you put your tongue in my mouth ever again.” He sighs. Yuugao grins.

“There is no way you would ever say no to me or my tongue.” She kisses his jaw, and Raidou squeezes her tighter.

“You’re on-duty,” he says.

“So are you.”

“The village is in smithereens,” he sighs, turning his head away. Yuugao frowns at him. She has nothing to say to that. Raidou turns the corners of his mouth up into a tired smile. “I need to go find Kurenai.” Yuugao nods, letting go first.

“The evacuation centre,” she says.

“Thanks for checking on her.” He knows that Yuugao doesn’t really like Kurenai, so it means a lot to him that she took the time to track her down, especially during a disaster of this scale. “I don’t know what I would have done if something had happened to either of you.”

“You would keep on keeping on,” Yuugao clucks. Raidou frowns.

“I thought about digging Asuma up and launching him into space,” he says. “That’s as far as the revenge fantasy got.” Yuugao makes a face.

“Don’t desecrate a grave over me,” she sighs, “Asuma is a good guy who deserves to rest.” Raidou shrugs.

“He’d understand the impulse.” What Raidou would do to Asuma’s corpse is a fraction of what he would do to a living target. Yuugao runs her fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp.

“Baby,” she sighs. Raidou closes his eyes, before pulling away.

“I got to go find Kurenai.” He says. Raidou won’t feel good until he sees her, unharmed. Yuugao smiles at him.

“Okay.”

“Are we sharing a tent later?” he asks. Yuugao makes a face. She wants to crawl into the same sleeping bag as Raidou and pass out for a week.

“Who else would I share a tent with?” she asks. Raidou smiles.

“You and Yamato seem pretty chummy.” He says.

“But I don’t want to share a sleeping bag and kiss his face,” she says, “that’s just for you.”

“I’m relieved,” Raidou says. “I’ll see you later.”

“Later,” she says, watching him walk away.

**

Raidou goes, immediately, to the evacuation centre. He, quite frankly, does not care about anyone else but Kurenai. He’s far from the strongest ninja in the village but if anything had happened to her or Yuugao, heads would roll. He’s not a vengeful creature but his clients all are, so he understands the emotion better than most. All mercy and humanity within him would have died as well. He wouldn’t even be a person anymore.

Raidou moves through the rubble, right up to the steps that lead up to the evacuation centre. He isn’t the first to get there, and the room is buzzing. No one has yet been told that there are no deaths today. He doesn’t really care to say anything. It’s not his place to announce that Naruto Uzumaki is their hero and future Hokage. Let him tell the villagers himself.

 _How many civilians live here?_ Raidou weaves through all the people, who are looking to him for answers. He doesn’t want to call out Kurenai by name, but he is feeling anxious. Looking for Yuugao had been nerve-wracking enough, but the more time he spends looking for Kurenai, the longer he has to think of all the things that could have gone wrong. _Kur-en-AI._

Raidou finds her when he gets to the back of the evacuation centre. She is sitting, reading a book, even though she isn’t much of a reader. He feels his entire body relax, before he pitches forward into a jog. He doesn’t say anything, and she looks up when she feels his footfalls. Kurenai blinks, closing her book without marking her place.

They haven’t seen each other in a while. Kurenai had grown used to the idea that he would never come back to her. That he had forgotten her, so he could be happy. She is surprised to see him, in all honesty. She knew he and Genma were on a mission, so she figured they were safe.

There is a big smudge of dirt on his forehead, and a bandage on his forearm. Raidou stands before her, and he looks happy. Relieved, is the word. “Kurenai,” he says softly, like her name is delicate.

“Raidou.” She stands up. A big emotion wells up inside both of them, and he reaches for her first, putting a hand on either side of her face. _My eye_.

“What happened out there?” she asks.

“I don’t really know,” he says, “Genma and I were on a mission, and when we got back, the village was flattened.”

“Flattened?” she asks.

“I don’t care,” he says. “I found Yuugao and she’s okay, and you…are you okay?” Raidou’s eyes flick over her body, before he looks back at her face. Kurenai nods, putting a hand on each of his wrists.

“I’m okay,” she says, “Shikamaru brought me here as soon as it started. I saw a giant centipede, but I don’t know anything else. He didn’t tell me what was happening.” Raidou nods.

“Okay,” he says, “I don’t think anyone knows what happened.” His hands don’t move from her face. “I need to go thank him.”

“For what?”

“Keeping you safe.” Raidou says quietly. People aren’t looking at them, because neither of them are notable. _Just another shinobi and the partner he leaves behind; it’s fucked up that they are bringing a kid into it, but what can you do?_

“He did it for Asuma.” She says quietly.

“This isn’t about me, it’s about you and Mirai.” Raidou smiles right into Kurenai’s eyes.

“That’s her name.” She says softly.

“Yes,” he says.

Kurenai squeezes his wrists, beaming up at him. For a second, they are fifteen and nineteen, sleeping in the back of the car. Eighteen and twenty-two, Raidou hovering about her for the first time. Nineteen and twenty-three, walking back to the barracks. Twenty-eight and thirty-two, sitting across each other at the diner. Now here they are, looking into each other’s eyes in the middle of what feels like the _almost_ end of the world.

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” he says, “I don’t know what I would have done, otherwise.”

“There’s dirt on your face,” she licks her thumb, and uses it to wipe the dirt away. Raidou bites his lip and leans down to her mouth.

He presses his mouth to her lower lip, softly, before pulling back and looking into her eyes. His first thought is not, _oh shit,_ as perhaps, it should be. Rather, the first thought he has is relief that it still feels the same between them. As he pulls away, he runs his tongue over his lower lip.

His hands drop away, and he frowns when he sees Kurenai’s face. She doesn’t look uncomfortable, just surprised, and then, he remembers why, exactly, she would be surprised that he is kissing her in public. That is when the _oh shit_ drops. She feels her throat lock up, and she so badly wants to tell him that she still thinks about him too.

“Uh,” he starts, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” He presses his lips into a line, and Kurenai blinks. “I should go. I’ll tell Genma to come get you, later.” He steps back, looking over his shoulder to the exit.

“Raidou?” she says, grabbing his wrist. He looks at her. “What happened to your arm?”

“Just a cut.” Raidou sighs. “I should get going. Yuugao is off-duty soon, and…”

“She’s your partner,” Kurenai finishes his sentence.

“I think Genma is scamming Yamato into making you two a cabin or something, while the village is being rebuilt.” Raidou says. “He’s doing a good job, taking care of you, right?”

“He is.” Kurenai replies, “he even knows my birth plan.”

“Right.” Raidou says. It’s strange, no knowing these things about her. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” She says, scratching her arm.

“I really thought I’d see you once a week.” He replies.

“Life happens,” she hums. “You and Yuugao can visit Genma and I at our cabin.” Raidou presses his lips together, because he doesn’t think _that_ is a good idea.

“Well, at the very least, I’ll help you get everything back together at your place. Genma is useless.” He smiles, before pulling away from her.

She rubs her lips together as she stares at his back.

  
**

Yuugao and Yamato walk through the village, looking at the destruction. Yuugao and Raidou’s apartment is still standing, but it won’t be safe to go back in until it is confirmed to still be structurally sound. She worries about their plants. They have thirty-six plant babies to take care of, three of which were clippings from her grandmother’s plants.

Her parents, like most retired shinobi, had gotten mixed up with the fighting. Her father broke his wrist, and her mother had a nasty cut on her forehead, but they were, otherwise, okay. She was with them when Yamato found her on his way to Kakashi, who is, apparently, lingering at the spot where he died after bringing Naruto back. _He’s in a mood_ , Yamato had said. Yuugao didn’t think she would make it better, but she didn’t want Kakashi to linger on his death. You can only get past that kind of thing if you accept it and move on.

Kakashi sits on a large piece of cement, looking down at the place where he died. It was strange, talking to his father. He feels guilty, that his own inability to forgive his father had prevented him from moving on. He now has here to eternity with his mother, unless some cruel god reincarnates him, but Kakashi hopes that doesn’t happen. His parents didn’t have a long time together. They deserve better.

He looks up, spotting Yamato and Yuugao walking towards him. He wants to be bitter and spiteful, but he really doesn’t have the emotional energy. Yuugao could come up and clock him in the face, and he would be fine with it. _Do your worst_. This is the one time he will take it sitting down.

“Are you okay?” she asks as they approach. Kakashi tilts his head.

“Depends on your definition of okay,” he says.

“Are you, more or less, together?” she asks. Yamato says nothing, watching the two of them. Kakashi frowns under his mask. _I’m not going to hit on her when she’s chosen Raidou and I’ve come back from the dead_. Besides, _together_ is such a funny word. It implies that he could somehow be torn up into little pieces while his body is whole. Like a soul can be anything but harmonious and united; even if you feel conflicted or fragmented, you are still a whole person. That’s just a fact.

But Kakashi won’t waste his time arguing over the semantics when Yuugao offers her friendship. Maybe he should take Aoba’s advice. But Aoba isn’t settling for friendship with Anko; Kakashi doesn’t think you can have an honest friendship if one of you always wants a little more.

“I guess,” he replies. Yuugao crosses her arms, while Yamato has his hands on his hips. _Like Superman._

“You look okay.” Yamato says. Kakashi shrugs.

“I’m alive.” _Still_.

“I heard you died.” Yuugao says. Her posture is stiff, but her voice is soft. It means that she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable with him, but she’d like to be.

“You heard correctly,” he says, “saw my dead dad too.”

“Sounds like an experience.” Yamato says diplomatically. Kakashi snorts. You _experience_ roller coasters. You _endure_ death. Yamato would know that if he had died too.

“Not a fun one.” He replies. But not a bad one either. Ambivalent is the word.

“I’m glad you’re not dead,” Yuugao says softly, her arms falling to her sides. Kakashi blinks up at Yuugao.

“It’d be funny if I were,” he replies, “you really could ignore me forever.” Yuugao frowns. _I deserve that one_. Yamato sighs, not in the mood to listen to Kakashi bait Yuugao into hashing out their differences. _She didn’t like you like that, get over it_. As far as Yamato is concerned, there is nothing else to do or say.

Yuugao’s mouth twists, thinking about her reply. She doesn’t want to be petty or hurtful. The truth is that she did the hurting, not him. Kakashi was just a casualty of her loneliness. He didn’t deserve that, or to be made to feel like it was his fault.

“I’m sorry for everything.” She says. Kakashi and Yamato blink at her.

“Don’t apologize,” Kakashi replies, “I did it too.” _I knew it wasn’t about me_. They nod at each other. Yuugao, not wanting to linger on this point, smiles. “Have you read any good books lately?” she asks.

“I haven’t had the time, actually.” Kakashi replies.

“Yamato doesn’t read very much,” she eyes him with a smile. Yamato frowns.

“I do read, just not your porn-y books.” He says in an irritated voice. “Did you know that Yuugao reads that weird wolf porn?”

“Wolf porn?” Kakashi laughs. Yuugao puffs her cheeks.

“It’s omegaverse! It’s a _trope_ ,” she crosses her arms again, “I don’t like it. I just don’t mind it.”

“Sounds like you like it,” Yamato says.

“It doesn’t have wolves in it. It’s just based on bad wolf science.” She says. “You know, the kind that imposes Western gender roles onto wolves.”

“And you like it?” Kakashi says, “sorry, _don’t mind it_.”

“Don’t knock it until you read it!” She says, “it’s entertaining.”

“Does Raidou know you read that?” Kakashi asks, “I will never stop laughing at him if he has had to role play some weird wolf kink.”

“You’re such an asshole,” she says. Yamato tries to keep a straight face, but he does cough.

“C’mon, the idea of Raidou having to keep a straight face while you talk about his wolf cock is pretty funny.” Kakashi cackles at the face Yuugao makes. She turns bright red and her jaw drops, but nothing comes out.

Yamato has to put his face into his elbow as she sputters, trying to explain the nuances of omegaverse to Kakashi, who refuses to de-escalate. It’s nice, being able to spend time together again.

**

Raidou was pleasantly surprised to find their apartment still standing. Some shelves were knocked over and one of the windows is broken, but otherwise, it is all good. Yuugao’s parents have just gone back to their old place, put back together by Yamato yesterday. She went to help move them back in. Raidou offered to help, but Yuugao’s mom insisted that he should stay behind and take a break.

He’s spent the last few hours looking through the adoption brochures. It feels like their apartment was left standing for a reason. Yuugao’s mom kept joking about grandchildren, and each time, Yuugao flinched. Raidou didn’t say anything, but he made sure to touch the small of her back or her shoulder when it happened. _Let’s have a baby, Yuugao_. It will make all the bad feelings go away.

Picking up a brochure, Raidou looks at a particularly cute baby. It makes his stomach twitch. He looks up when Yuugao comes back in the door, carrying a tote bag full of groceries. She smiles at him, placing the bag on the floor. “You’re still looking at those?”

“Yeah,” he says, putting them down on the counter. She slips her shoes off and picks up the groceries. Yuugao still hasn’t told him about how she feels about adoption, or more specifically, what she doesn’t feel.

“I didn’t know you had baby fever.” She says in a neutral voice, lifting the bag onto the counter.

“It just feels right,” he shrugs. “I mean, our home is still standing. If that’s a sign, I don’t know what is.”

“Is now really the best time?” she asks. “We both know that something is going to happen.” Neither of them has uttered the word, but they all know that war is on the horizon. She was hoping they could put this all aside until the end of the war. Give her some time to come up with a way to soften the blow.

“Well, not now,” he says, “but we could start an application.”

“Won’t we have to get married?” she asks.

“You don’t want to be with me forever?” he grins. Yuugao sighs.

“Of course, I do.” She takes pork out of the bag and walks over to the fridge. “I just thought we agreed to never get married.” Raidou tilts his head.

“I’ll give you my mom’s ring and everything. Like we had meant to do it all along.” He says, “we don’t need a ceremony or anything.” Yuugao turns her back to him, looking at the butter colored wall. She has a vision, and she doesn’t want it to change.

“You don’t have to,” she says.

“Why not?” he says, walking up behind her. He wraps his arms around her waist and presses his mouth into the back of her neck. “I’ll fuck you like you’re a virgin on our wedding night.” Yuugao sighs. She squeezes his forearm with both hands.

“Raidou, I don’t want to get married.” She says. Raidou kisses her neck.

“I admit, I don’t want to either, but I’ll do it.” He smiles, “for our family.” It hurts Yuugao’s heart to hear him say that. She has wanted his complete commitment for so long. But she isn’t getting it the way she wanted.

“Raidou?” she asks softly. He stops, realizing that she is stiff. She turns around, looking him right in the eyes.

“Yes?” he asks. His heart drops. He can tell that this conversation won’t end well.

“I don’t think I want to adopt,” she says quietly.

“But we want kids.” Raidou blinks. He has not expected this response.

“I want to have your babies.” She says quietly. “I don’t want to adopt.”

“They’ll still be our kids.” He replies. “Not by blood, but they will be _ours_.”

“Raidou,” she sighs, “I don’t want to adopt or get married. It’s nothing like the life I pictured for us.”

“Well, we aren’t going to get that life,” he says, “so we have to move on.” Yuugao frowns. She will never move on from their babies, born out of wedlock. She doesn’t want a ring, or a bunch of forms. She wants the life she always wanted.

“Raidou, maybe there is no solution.” She places her hands on his chest. “There is nothing to do but live with it.” Raidou’s mouth twists, and she can tell that he doesn’t like her answer.

“But this is the next logical step,” he says, “where are we supposed to go from here?” he drops his arms to his side and steps back. Yuugao crosses her arms.

“We don’t have anywhere to go.” She smiles, “I’m happy here.”

“Happy?” he asks. “But you have spent the last few months grieving over the fact that we can’t conceive.”

“You don’t get it,” she says, “I wanted to be pregnant. That, for me, is a huge part of motherhood. It’s how I pictured myself becoming a mother. I’m not ready to give that up.” _And I never will be_.

Raidou feels like he has been blindsided. These past few weeks, he has felt unbearably light, as if everything were finally going his way. What Yuugao says completely sucks everything out of him. “You don’t want children?” he asks.

“I want _our_ children.” She says softly. “I don’t think I’m ready to move past it.” Raidou tilts his head, not really understanding.

“Oh.” Raidou crosses his arms.

“Yeah,” she says, clasping her hands together.

“Is this how you really feel?” he asks. “No kids, ever?”

“Well, if by some miracle we conceive…” she trails off. Raidou frowns.

“Don’t joke like that.” He backs away. Yuugao tilts her head.

“I’m not joking.” She takes this very seriously. Each time he is inside her, she hopes for a miracle. Doctors can be wrong. Nothing in this world is absolute. _Maybe, just maybe_.

“We have an opportunity to have everything we want as a couple.”

“But it’s not everything.” Her voice is soft, like down. “You’re scrambling to find a solution when there isn’t one.”

“And that’s how you feel?” he asks. She nods, biting her lower lip. Raidou makes a pinched expression. Like he’s tasted something bad.

“Baby?” She asks. Raidou steps back, hurt. He really felt like he had it all together _. All my problems were supposed to be solved forever_. Fortune has never favored him, not in that way. Life just gives him more problems.

“But you want to be a mom!” Raidou’s frustration is evident in his voice. “It feels like your shifting the goalposts. I’m not devastated enough. I’m emotionally absent and noncommittal, so I commit and start opening up. You want a family with me, so I go find a way for us to be a family, and now it’s not good enough?”

“You haven’t been listening to me Raidou,” she says. “I never told you I wanted to adopt, or get married, or start making a family now. Those are all conclusions you came to. You’re always trying to predict what I want instead of asking me.”

“What do you mean?” he asks. Yuugao pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Well, you just sort of decided on adoption. You didn’t really ask me what I wanted.” She says. Raidou frowns at her.

“But I want…” he trails off. “I want you to be happy.” Yuugao gives him a sad look.

“You should just ask me.” She holds herself, looking down at the ground. “Just talk to me, instead of holding back or offering solutions. Just sit with me.”

Raidou looks down at the floor. It makes him itchy, the idea that there is no solution. He wants to be a father, but he can give it up if it’s what Yuugao wants. Well, he can try. The problem is that he was really looking forward to being a dad.

“I want kids.” Raidou says quietly. Yuugao nods.

“I know,” she says. “I wish there was a way to reconcile everything. But I think we just need to learn to sit with each other. We need to get to know each other again.”

“I thought we already knew each other.” He murmurs. Yuugao swallows.

“There is always more to learn.” She says, not really believing herself. Raidou nods once, twice. He collects the pamphlets from the counter, and walks into the bedroom, to tuck them under his socks.

Yuugao watches him retreat into the bedroom. She knows that he hasn’t fully let it go, that he has simply gone and set the brochures away. It’s he’s angry, he doesn’t show it. It’s like she watches him swallow himself whole, trying to suppress it.

**

Raidou sits on the bench beside Genma, listening to his friend chew and brooding over his conversation with Yuugao. Genma is chomping down on a sandwich, waiting for Raidou to tell him what is bothering him.

“You know,” Genma says, “the longer you stay silent, the longer we’re going to sit out here in the sun.” Raidou picks at a hangnail.

“Yuugao doesn’t want to adopt.” Raidou says quietly. Genma stops chewing and looks at him sideways.

“You two have been having problems recently,” he says, “you know better than to think that a kid will fix it.”

“Who said I thought a kid would fix it?” Raidou asks. Genma shrugs.

“I know I’m right because of your defensive tone.” He leans back, stretching out his legs.

“We wanted to be parents together,” Raidou rubs his head, “I don’t get why everything changed.”

“Nothing changed.”

“Yes, it did.” Raidou turns and glares at Genma. He has spent the last few days thinking of their conversation. They’ve been sitting, talking, but the conversation always goes in circles. They never actually address the thing. They just talk around it.

“Throwing brochures at someone and telling them that you should start the adoption process isn’t really consulting them.” Genma says in a bored tone. “That’s not how people make decisions together.”

“What do you know?” Raidou asks. Genma shrugs.

“That you can’t adopt a kid hoping that it will fix the problem.” He sighs, “have you two really even talked about the Kurenai and Kakashi thing?” Raidou looks away.

“Not in depth, no.” Raidou feels guilty about the kiss.

“Having a kid won’t bring you two together if you’re not on the same page.” Genma takes another bite of his sandwich.

“Have any more pearls of wisdom?” Raidou grunts.

“Nope.” Genma drawls, “I’ve given you enough that you could make a necklace and give it to Yuugao.” Raidou frowns.

“I should talk to Kurenai,” he hums. Genma, once again, side-eyes him.

“She will have the same answer as me.” Genma doubts that this is the case, but the last thing anyone needs is Kurenai giving Raidou relationship advice.

“She listens better,” he says. Raidou knows she commits everything he says to memory.

“Don’t go running back to Kurenai because Yuugao did something you didn’t expect.” He sighs, “Raidou, just go home to your girlfriend.”

“Where else would I go?” Raidou asks. Genma, without answering, stands up and throws his sandwich in the trash. The answer is obvious.

**

When Raidou comes home, he finds Yuugao wiping down the kitchen counter. She looks up and smiles when he walks into the door, and for the first time in the last few days, he feels like he has actually done something right. Genma is right. Raidou needs to learn to go to Yuugao with his problems first, not Kurenai. He thinks he has gotten a lot better, but the habit clearly hasn’t been broken.

“Hey,” he says softly, taking off his shoes and flak jacket.

“Hey yourself,” she replies, taking the rag and putting it on the tap to dry. It’s late afternoon. The sun is beginning its slow descent into something soft and golden. “What do you want to do?” Yuugao asks him.

 _I want to have sex, so we don’t have to sit here with our problems_. Anything to get away from this horrible feeling that something is wrong and cannot be fixed. Raidou says nothing, simply walking up to Yuugao and taking her face in his hands, kissing her softly. She reciprocates, probably, he imagines, because she is desperate to forget too. Or maybe she thinks nothing is wrong. He used to be able to tell, but now, he can’t feel the difference.

“What are we going to do?” she asks quietly. He kisses her without replying, wrapping his arms around her waist. “You don’t want to talk dirty?” _I don’t even want to talk_. He just wants to hear her moan so he can feel like he can do something right.

“You aren’t supposed to talk in church.” He says.

“There are no churches in Konoha,” Yuugao sighs.

“Because no one here knows when to shut up.” Moving down her neck, he feels her pulse under his lips, and it makes him feel like an animal.

“I don’t want you to shut up,” she says, “I like it when you talk dirty. You’re so good at it.” Raidou is kissing the hollow of her throat now, holding her close.

“I’ll do anything to you,” he says, “as long as I don’t have to talk.” Yuugao frowns. A part of her is offended that he doesn’t want to talk to her during sex. “I’ll do vaginal, oral, anal, whatever you want. I’m just not up for talking today.” He is afraid that if he starts talking, he won’t be able to focus on how good it feels to be inside her and forget their problems.

“Anything?” she asks. Raidou nods.

“Whatever.”

“I’m torn between wanting to be fucked like a virgin and doing it nasty and deep.” She kisses him, and he sighs into her.

“I can do both,” he smiles, “every virgin deserves it nasty and deep the first time.”

“Wow,” she smiles, “I almost wish I had never had sex before I had met you.” But would she have been ready for Raidou? He grins. He would have made her ready.

“I would have spared you all the awkward fumbling. I was well past that stage when we met.” He only really recalls meeting her when he was twenty-six. He knew her from afar, but Hayate only started bringing her around then. He wouldn’t have done anything, because he only noticed Kurenai and for all his faults, Raidou wouldn’t fuck around with someone who isn’t an adult. But if she had waited and asked nicely two years later, he would have done it. Probably.

On the other hand, Kurenai owned his soul then, so maybe not.

Yuugao kisses him then, and every thought of Kurenai is obliterated. Yuugao wraps her arms around his neck as he wraps his own around her waist, and they stagger back to their bedroom. Their kisses are messy and all over the place. Ardor. _I adore you, with all the ardor I am capable of_. It’s an awkward sentence, Yuugao admits, but she loves the word _ardor_ the way she likes the word _beguile_ ; they are her favorite to read, out of all the words in her erotic novels. Raidou deserves it all and more. She can tell that he is far away, and she wants to bring him close. Hold him tight and tell him she’s in love with him, and always will be. That she would trek through alternate dimensions and destroy worlds for him, if he wanted her to.

It’s never been a big secret that Raidou probably couldn’t take Yuugao in a fight. Or Kurenai for that matter. One thing Yuugao and Kurenai agree on: he is to be protected at all costs. In this way, their relationships with him are subverted. He is the man, but they are the protectors. It’s one of the things that makes sex with him so rewarding. He can’t really make Yuugao do anything, nor would he try to. That’s why she gives him complete permission to do as he pleases.

When they land on the bed, his shirt has been yanked off and they had the foresight to take Yuugao’s pants off. She kisses his jaw as his hand moves up her back. They aren’t fumbling, not like teenagers, but it’s not one of their smoother moments. Her legs are up around his waist, and her hands are on his shoulders. The freckles on top of his shoulders make something in her melt; they are evidence of his boyhood, playing in the lake and the woods. She runs a hand over them. She wishes she had known him then. When he describes it, he always sounds happy and carefree.

Raidou sighs, looking down at Yuugao, who is flushed and pressed against him. She hasn’t said a word, and for that, he is grateful. She isn’t a pushy person, not in the least. He kisses her on the mouth as her hands fall to the zipper of his pants, pulling it down and then using her legs to push them down over his hips. She makes a frustrated noise, so he breaks the kiss to stand up and kick his pants off. Yuugao watches him, up on her elbows.

He moves like a swordsman. Every movement is smooth, measured, with a focus on where he has to be to get where he wants to be ten seconds from now. Yuugao sits up and pulls her shirt off. She didn’t bother with a bra today. They eye each other, before Raidou returns to her. He hovers above her, kissing the side of her neck. She feels him shift into something tender. He moves softer, slower, descending down her stomach to the place between her thighs.

Raidou isn’t thinking, so much as he lets his intuition guide him. If Yuugao were a virgin, what would he do to get her ready for nasty and deep? He puts his mouth to her, and she makes a soft noise. He sucks and nibbles and licks, making her tummy drop. She’s always so soft, for him. He slides a few fingers in and smiles when she moans. _Finally, something I want to hear_. He feels her hand in his hair, running her fingers through it. He places a hand on her hip and holds her down, and she shifts closer to him, wanting him to gobble her all up. He moves a hand up from her hip to her breast. He rubs a thumb over her nipple, the one without a ring.

Yuugao knows she can’t talk, but she does take the hand on her breast in her own. While he eats her out, he feels her lips on his knuckles. Raidou dips another finger in, so she takes two of his in her mouth. She sucks when he does, and as her orgasm begins to build, she tightens her hands around his. She clenches around him, holding him close and tight, as he loses himself inside of her. They are quiet today, but that only makes it better. Yuugao loves his dirty talk, but she has to admit, his mouth does have infinitely more pleasurable things to do.

When it’s over, she watches Raidou rub his mouth with the heel of his hand. She only lets his fingers leave her mouth when he murmurs a “please,” after she refused to simply let them go. He rises above her, and she smiles up at him. He offers a small one in return.

“Nasty and deep?” she murmurs.

Yes,” he sighs, “take me all the way up inside.” _Suck me in. Don’t let me go_. Yuugao puts her hand on the side of his neck, her mouth hovering over his.

“I want to be on top.” Raidou obeys, and in moments, she straddles him. Taking him in one hand, she bites her lip as she sinks down on him. He says nothing to her, moving slowly, like this is her first time. It aches, and then it doesn’t, not at all.

Raidou goes deep, hands on her hips, looking up at her. She shows him the underside of her jaw, and he thinks about how badly he wants things to work between them. Yuugao makes him feel so good; like he is a loveable person. As he hits her core, listening to all her little moans and a chorus of ‘ohs,’ he sits up to hold her close. She squeaks as he moves inside of her, rolling as the angle changes.

But then she looks into his eyes, and she melts down further, kissing him. Raidou moves strong, knocking on her cervix. It hurts but she wants to see stars, so she moans around his tongue. _We’re disgusting_ , she thinks, feeling the whirring building in her stomach. She only wants to go harder, and he obliges. There is no such thing as too deep. She wants him to hit so hard that she feels him, even when he isn’t there.

Her arms are wrapped around his neck, his face in her shoulder, while her jaw hangs and they both make ugly noises. She comes first, riding it out, when he hits so deep that she screams. _This is where I’m supposed to put a baby in you_. A child conceived in love and violence, the two forces driving the sex he and Yuugao have. He tries to move, but she won’t let him. Raidou has made a place for himself inside of her, and she wants him to stay there for as long as possible. _Don’t move, I love you so much that I want us to be like this forever_. Raidou holds her tighter, pressing his lips to her clavicle as a gesture of comfort. If he could stay there forever, he would.

**

The village has, more or less, been re-built. Miraculously, a lot of things survived the devastation, underneath all the rubble. Raidou’s car, the CD collection, photographs, trinkets and mementos. Genma and Kurenai sit on the floor of her apartment, which was spared, with boxes of their things stacked all around them. Genma is going to be a big boy and move out of the barracks; he doesn’t know where he is going to go, but it is time to grow up.

Asuma’s glass sits between them. It too, survived. _It’s amazing, what doesn’t get destroyed_. Kurenai and Genma stare at the wall opposite of them, not saying anything. “Do you think humans will ever live on Mars?” Genma asks. Kurenai tuts, not answering. “I’m serious.”

“You’re serious,” she repeats, murmuring. Genma doesn’t respond, choosing to hum. She doesn’t want to live here, not anymore. It was the place she where she was with Asuma. Raidou fucked her over the kitchen counter. Asuma liked to sit at the kitchen table and fiddle with his lighter. Raidou was always fixing the sink, even when she told him to stop, _to just go away already I need to sleep_. Asuma was always bringing plants in here, trying to nurture a green thumb Kurenai had no interest in cultivating.

She feels her daughter move around inside of her stomach, and Kurenai sighs. If she wants to continue to grow, she has to leave this place. It just reminds her of all the things that could have happened, all the _maybes_ and _should’ves_ and _would’ves._ She wants to be free of Asuma and Raidou’s shadows. For all of her adult life, she was either Raidou’s Kurenai or Asuma’s Kurenai, and she was fine with it. They made her feel safe and protected in their own ways. She protected Raidou, and she would’ve done the same for Asuma if he had let her.

But now, she has to be a different Kurenai. Her own Kurenai. This place only reminds her of her failures, her grief. She doesn’t want to stay here, because otherwise, she will suffocate. “Genma?” she asks.

“What?” he asks.

“Want to move into my parents’ place with me?” she turns and looks at him. Genma blinks at her, once, twice.

“You never sold it.” He says.

“Nope,” she shakes her head, “I couldn’t part with it.”

“So, you have a house with an enclosed yard, and you want to bring me into it?” he asks.

“I’ll build you a doghouse in the back too.” She smiles.

“You’re sure?” he asks.

“You already live with me,” she sighs, “and neither of us has anywhere better to go.” Genma snorts.

“You have me there,” he says. Living with Kurenai has been fun. While he is looking forward to having his own mattress again, he does like the idea of being able to spend time with her whenever he wants. He doesn’t really see himself settling down, but he doesn’t want to live alone.

“I don’t do cats or dogs,” he says. “But fish are okay.”

“So that’s a yes?” Kurenai smiles. Genma shrugs.

“It’s a _why not_?” he says, “the universe is going to collapse in on itself one day. Why not live with an ugly woman and her demon spawn?” Kurenai starts laughing, and he soon joins her, rolling onto his side.

 _Good one_ , she gasps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. I got this up in time for the best holiday of the year. I kinda rushed to get this done, so forgive any typos (or think of them as the "trick" to this "treat," LOL). I want to write more scenes of platonic thirst between Yamato and Yuugao, and expand on Aoba and Anko's friendship (I think Kurenai and Genma are, pretty clearly, ride or die). Yuugao would send Kakashi into an alternate dimension if he messed with Yamato lol. Feel free to leave a comment- I love and treasure each one, and they keep me motivated (also, thank you for being such an engaged audience. I am in awe and humbled). 
> 
> I'm gonna go to one of two of my personal Aoba/Genma/Yamato, watch Unsolved Mysteries and eat candy. Happy Halloween!


	19. The Sun Behind the Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Mirai.

“My brother had a daughter”

Sufjan Stevens, “Should’ve Known Better”

“I see a wasp with her wings outstretched”

“The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us!”

Kurenai hasn’t told Genma about kissing Raidou at the evacuation centre. It would annoy him. _Why do you two do shit like this?_ Because it feels like fate. She could say it was Raidou’s fault, but she has wanted, very badly, for him to kiss her for a long time. Sometimes, when it’s just her, she presses her lower lip to a finger or thumb, trying to replicate how it felt. It’s not just because it’s nice to be desired or that it felt like they had come out on the other side of the end of the world. _We were in love_. Perhaps there should be an ‘are’ where ‘were’ stands.

It’s not a satisfying answer, but it is the truth. Kurenai rubs the side of her neck, looking at the window of her parents’ kitchen, into the backyard. She doesn’t know how it was spared. Raidou’s parents’ house was blown apart. He sold it a few years ago, so it’s not his problem, but it is on the same street as hers. How many times did she hop the fence and climb up to the roof? How many times did Raidou let her in, no matter how awful the weather or the time of night? 

The corner of the garden is where she was stung on the shoulder by a bee, and Raidou flicked off the stinger and sucked the poison out, not because it was a good idea, but because the sucking killed the pain. He spat it all out, working his jaw after. He sucked so hard it was stiff. It was the first time he gave her a hickey, then two months later, he gave her a real, intentional one. _Raidou has literally sucked poison out of me_. Kurenai tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.

She sighs and turns back to walk into the living room. Genma sits on the couch, hunched over the friendship bracelet she taught him to weave. He is making her a bracelet. It’s all shades of red; crimson, brick, cherry, candy apple. He’s gotten into crafting _. It’s a soothing and productive hobby_ , he said.

He looks up as she sits down on the couch beside him. “You waddle.” He says.

“Do not.” She frowns. Genma smiles.

“Do to.” He replies, “it’s the mom shuffle.”

“I’m with child,” she retorts, “you should be nicer to me.” Her baby is beating up her organs, Raidou is giving her a headache and Genma is testing her last nerve.

“I’m the nicest,” he says, “I’m making you a bracelet.”

“Hmmm.” She replies, looking up at the ceiling.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, looking at the bracelet. She pouts. Kurenai thinks about being flippant or lying. But she thinks about the way Raidou’s lips felt on her shoulder.

“Raidou kissed me at the evacuation centre.” She says, “no tongue or anything. But not just a peck.” Genma makes an annoyed sound in the back of his throat.

“Of course, he kissed you,” Genma sighs.

“What does that mean?” she asks. Genma shrugs.

“It’s the kind of destructive thing you two do when one or both of you are unhappy and want to feel something.” He says. Kurenai frowns. “You two are like the dumb main characters of a story who just need to sit down and have an honest conversation with each other.”

“We were just happy to see each other,” she says softly. Genma grunts. “It wasn’t that kind of kiss. We did it for each other.” Pulled together, the way they always are.

“You sure?” Genma says, “because he has spent the last few weeks fighting with Yuugao over whether or not to adopt.”

“Why are they fighting?” Kurenai asks. She would adopt a million babies with Raidou. All he would have to do is ask.

“She has a specific idea of parenthood, and he doesn’t want to wait.” Genma says, “the typical ‘we want the same thing but not in the same way’ that he tends to find himself caught up in.” Raidou is the kind of person who appears to insist on shooting himself in his own foot. Kurenai looks up at a crack in the ceiling. It’s true. Raidou very often finds himself in this kind of situation. She can easily recall how much it hurt to want commitment from him and see him give it to Yuugao instead. She remembers all the conversations where she would nudge him towards commitment, and he’d refuse to give it to her the way she wanted.

“As someone who has had that kind of conversation with Raidou, and who has a conflict of interest, I am going to tastefully withhold my opinion.” Kurenai turns her head to look at Genma, who smiles to himself.

“Maybe you are capable of character growth.” He says. Kurenai smiles at his profile.

“Perhaps.”

**

Raidou didn’t mean to provoke Yuugao. He was just looking at another adoption pamphlet when she put her head on his shoulder, taking a peek at what he is reading. He doesn’t turn to look as she sits up and reaches for the brochure.

“This again?” she asks. Raidou sighs.

“I was just looking.” He replies, crossing his arms. One of the reality shows she watches blares in the background. _You’re fake!_ A woman whose face is definitely not the one she was born with hurls at a woman who can’t move her face. _What does it even mean to be real?_ Raidou pointedly looks away from Yuugao.

“I told you how I feel about it,” she says, “and you don’t just look at adoption.” He sighs.

“Well, I haven’t let go of the idea of being a father,” he says quietly. He’s trying not to be a dick, but Raidou really wants her to consider his perspective.

“Raidou, I don’t want to adopt.” She says, giving him the brochure. He takes it back.

“We don’t have to now.” He says, “we can wait.”

“I’ll never want to adopt.” Yuugao is confident of this. She’s read each brochure of his, back to back. This is not what she wants.

“Are you sure?” he asks, standing up. He tries to hide it, but he is terse. She narrows her eyes.

“I am very sure.” She watches him shove the brochure into his pocket.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” he says. Raidou doesn’t want to talk about this for much longer.

“You don’t sound okay.” She says quietly. He walks across the apartment to the kitchen, not turning back to look at her.

“No shit,” he says, “you won’t even consider a completely reasonable option.” Yuugao frowns as he fills a glass with water.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s reasonable.” She says, hugging herself. “I don’t want to adopt.”

“Well, I want kids.” He turns around, setting his glass on the counter. Yuugao shrugs. The past few months has driven a wedge between them. Asuma’s death. Infertility. Raidou’s unresolved feelings for Kurenai, and his subsequent overprotectiveness. Kurenai’s pregnancy. Yuugao entertaining Kakashi. Both want children but Yuugao refuses the non-biological path. Each of these things, in and of themselves, would be survivable. But all these things came at once. It’s like they can’t catch a break.

What are you to do when you love someone so much that you can’t seriously contemplate life without them, _but they insist on making life decisions that make a future together untenable?_

Yuugao frowns at Raidou. “I’m not adopting a child.”

“Well, what are we going to do?” he asks, “get another fucking plant?” Yuugao has been on a bit of a spree. She bought ten cacti last week, placing them on the windowsill. She presses her lips together and sucks on her own tongue.

“Maybe,” she replies. Raidou dumps his water down the sink and walks into the bedroom. He strips and pops a clonazepam before crawling into bed.

**

“Are you taking his side?” Yuugao stares at Yamato, who is sucking on a juice box. He shrugs.

“You’re a couple, your sides should be one and the same.” He replies. Yuugao frowns.

“Raidou was rude.” She says, “comparing our plants to our kids.”

“He’s not wrong.” Yamato says, “I was there when you bought all those plants.” She just kept picking up different cacti, placing them in Yamato’s arms until she was satisfied.

“Well, he didn’t have to be rude about it.” She says, stabbing the straw into her own juice box. Yamato watches her struggle, saying nothing. One thing he has learned about Yuugao is that, while she is desperately in love with Raidou, she hasn’t yet learned the lesson that just because you feel a certain way about someone doesn’t mean it will work out. Why would she? Hayate had been perfect and he died before he could cause any problems. Raidou isn’t being rude. Their differences are simply asserting themselves. Now that Yamato thinks about it, Yuugao and Raidou seem surprised that they are, indeed, two very different people.

“Is rude really the word you’re looking for?” he asks, “it just sounds like Raidou is a person.”

“Men aren’t people.” Yuugao snaps. Yamato blinks. She has never said a misandrist thing in her life. Not that men don’t deserve it. More often than not, they do. It’s just that the Yuugao he knows would never say something like that.

“Denial isn’t just a river in Africa.” He clucks. Yuugao frowns.

“You know that joke?” she replies. Yamato makes a grumpy face. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she says, “I just thought the joke was a little lowbrow for you, that’s all.”

“I’m a man of the people,” Yamato says, sipping his drink. Yuugao looks at her watch, and blinks, frowning, before hope blooms.

She’s late.

**

Raidou is tinkering with Kurenai’s kitchen sink. Genma and Kurenai watch him, sitting at the kitchen table, sharing a bag of chips. He hasn’t said much. Just grunting.

“When are you going to tell us why you’re upset?” Genma says.

“You need to tell us what’s happening,” Kurenai says, “we can’t help you if we don’t know the problem.” They jump when Raidou sits up, throwing the wrench to the ground.

“Yuugao doesn’t want to adopt,” he says, “she doesn’t want to adopt, and I want kids.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “It’s like she is so busy focusing on her vision that she doesn’t see that we have options.” Genma and Kurenai exchange glances, before Kurenai stands up and walks over to Raidou. She doesn’t kneel, but she does bend over, so they are eye to eye. She puts her hands on his cheeks, and he looks up at her like he is a sad little boy.

“If she won’t give you the chance to be the amazing father you’d be, it is her loss, and it does not reflect on you.” Kurenai stands up, cupping his chin. “You’re too good for her.” _You’re too good for me._ Genma snorts, loudly.

“That’s not true,” Raidou says, “Yuugao is smarter, funnier and prettier than me. She’s more compassionate too. Faithful.” He places his hand on the back of Kurenai’s knee. The skin is soft there, and it makes her shiver.

“Emphasis on the _faithful_ ,” Genma says, crunching on a chip. Kurenai doesn’t even look at him, and she taps her thumb on Raidou’s chin when he looks at Genma.

“There’s only one Raidou.” Kurenai says, “if she can’t see that, she’s an idiot.”

“You two are the kind of protagonists that make me throw a book at a wall.” Genma cracks, pulling another chip out of his bag. “You two _thrive_ on making unlikable decisions.”

“Shut up, Genma,” Raidou glares at him as Kurenai steps away from Raidou. Genma smirks, crunching on another chip.

**

Some part of her knew that this was a bad idea. But she was late by a whole week, a whole quarter of a cycle. That _maybe, just maybe_ called out to her. Yuugao bought the test without asking Yamato. He would insist on being there, but she needs to be alone. Yuugao sits on the toilet, door unlocked. The bathroom is a creamy sort of blue, with a big tub and a shower curtain with lilacs on it. Raidou had bought it for her. He saw it in a shop, and it made him think of her.

Yuugao puts two hands over her tummy, rubbing it. _Please, please, please_. This is the first time she has taken a test. She looks at the towels on the back of the door. Raidou’s favorite, a raggedy beach towel with a giant butterfly on it. Her big, fluffy purple and pink towels. There is a peace lily by the corner of the tub, in the indirect light of the window.

Yuugao is in her work clothes, holding herself, trying and failing to not look at the test on the counter. She has talked herself into not getting her hopes up, but she is still excited. Ten, fifteen minutes pass. She wants to live in the world where she _could_ be pregnant. Another five minutes rolls around; she turns her shoulder and looks down.

One pink line.

**

Raidou comes home to a dark apartment. Yuugao said she would be home early, so he is a little worried. She is the kind of person who is where she says she will be when the time comes. He locks the door behind him, and switches on a light. Her shoes are there. Raidou looks up, noticing that the light is on in the bathroom. Raidou crosses the apartment and taps the door with his knuckles.

“Yuugao?” he asks. He hears a sniffle and opens the door. She is in the bathtub, her knees to her chest. Her eyes are red, and her hair is in a knot on her head. It smells like lavender, and there are bubbles. Some stick to her shoulder. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She says nothing, pointing to the counter. He walks over, his heart sinking when he sees the test on the sink. He picks it up, frowning at the single line.

“I’m late,” she says, “by a whole week.” Yuugao sounds small. Raidou watches her as she rests her head on the edge of the tub. She looks defeated.

“Why did you do this without me?” he asks.

“Because I didn’t want to get your hopes up.” Yuugao sighs.

“Do you want to be alone?” he asks softly.

“No,” she says, “I don’t.” She looks at the blue wall. Yuugao hears him undress, but she doesn’t turn her head to look.

Raidou leaves his clothes in a pile, kicking it to the wall with the inside of his left foot. She scoots forward when she feels his hand on her back. He steps into the bathtub, leaning against the back. “Come here,” he murmurs. He grabs her by the hips and pulls her onto his lap. She leans against him, feeling the muscles of his stomach and chest against her back. Yuugao puts the back of her head against his shoulder, looking up at the ceiling. His arms are wrapped around her, and she simply lets him breathe against her.

“You could’ve called me,” he says. Yuugao turns her head away, exposing her neck.

“I know.” She sighs, “this is the first time I’ve ever taken a test. I’ve never been late before.” Raidou doesn’t say anything. They lie there in silence, well after the water is cold.

**

It happens late at night. Kurenai is dreaming of the heads of poppies, falling from their stems and scars that look like rivers when she awakes to water, trickling out of her. In the haze of sleep, it takes her a minute to realize that it isn’t stopping. It just leaks out of her, no matter what she does. Genma isn’t here, so she gets up and picks up her overnight bag herself. She puts on a pad, changing into a shift dress. Kurenai still has some dignity, so she puts on deodorant and a bra.

She leaves the wedding rings on her dresser. Kurenai chooses not to wear any jewelry, to enter motherhood unadorned. Not even red lipstick.

Kurenai walks to the hospital. The walking helps the cramps. It is 4 AM and the village is asleep. When she gets to the hospital, a nurse asks if she would like her to call anyone. Kurenai shakes her head, before changing into her hospital gown. Shizune comes in, sleepy but alert. Kurenai refuses an epidural, wanting to feel what it’s like to be split in half. _To become a mother is to become a kind of monster, and they can only be born in pain._

She bends over, screaming. Lies back, groaning. It’s a primal, animal kind of pain. Something she has never before experienced but somehow knows, intimately. There is blood between her legs. A stretch and release. An empty feeling, where she once was full.

Kurenai sits up, bent over, feeling broken inside. A horrible emptiness. She pants heavily, like she’s run for miles. There is a gasp and cry. The sound of a baby that has just been born.

**

Mirai looks scrunched up. Kurenai supposes that she was forced to squeeze through a tight place. A little red face. Pudgy lips and hands. Soft down on her head. She’s sleeping now. Kurenai can’t stop looking at her. She doesn’t look like her or Asuma. Mirai just looks like a baby. She’s got that new baby smell too. It’s a little sour, but also sweet.

Shizune said she sent a message out to Genma by falcon. Kurenai told herself that she wouldn’t do this, but the first person she asks for is Raidou. She doesn’t want to see anyone else before him. Shizune had nodded and left the room.

Raidou comes in at noon, twenty minutes after she asked for him. He smiles brightly at her, and it makes her feel warm inside.

“I did it all by myself.” She says. Raidou nods, walking over to the bed. Kurenai sits up, and Raidou leans over to peek at little Mirai. She’s ugly and pink, like all new babies. He places the pad of his pointer finger on her soft cheek. He looks up at Kurenai, her face inches from his, and he takes in how tired she looks.

“You never needed anyone else to be here.” He sits up. “How does it feel?”

“Surreal.”

“Little Kurenai is a mommy.” Raidou grins. He is very happy for her. Kurenai deserves the world, and he’s relieved that her and Mirai are both happy and healthy.

“Want to hold her?” Kurenai asks. Raidou blinks.

“You want me to hold your baby?” he asks. Kurenai nods.

“Someone other than Shizune or I need to hold her. She won’t be a real person until then.” Kurenai watches Raidou stand up, holding his arms just so. Their arms brush as she places Mirai into his, and Raidou stands up slowly, looking down at her.

Babies are utterly entrancing. Raidou never got it before, but now he understands how you can stare at a little baby all day. She yawns a little, and his heart bursts. “Hi,” he says quietly. Kurenai watches him light up, and she bites her lip. There are several reasons why it kind of hurts for Raidou to be the one holding Mirai, and it’s hard not to think of them when he wears the same uniform as Asuma. As if sensing this, Raidou looks at her sadly.

“I’m sorry things aren’t different,” he says quietly. “It shouldn’t be me here.” Kurenai bobs her head, too exhausted to cry.

“It’s you, though.” Kurenai replies, “I can’t spend the rest of my life thinking about all the things that should have but nonetheless will not happen. No one can live that way.” Raidou nods, looking back down at Mirai.

“I wouldn’t blame you for wishing otherwise,” he says, “it could just be our secret.” Kurenai frowns. The rule, in every book, is a life for a life. The dead cannot be brought back without a life being taken, and that life has to be just as precious as the one you are bringing back. There are only three beings whom she loves on a scale similar to Asuma. Mirai, Genma and Raidou. The latter is probably the closest to his equivalent. Looking at Raidou standing there, she knows she could never do it. There is no sacrifice she is willing to make to bring Asuma back.

“Asuma chose her name,” she says softly.

“It’s the kind of name he would choose.” Raidou says, “it’s very pretty.” Kurenai sighs.

“He was always buying flowers, those kinds of things.” She scratches the side of her neck. Raidou looks down at Mirai and smiles when she opens her eyes.

“She has your eyes,” he says softly.

“You’re such a sap,” she says.

“Your mom is kind of a bully,” he says to Mirai, “she has been ruining my life ever since she was born.” He grins when he sees the expression on Kurenai’s face. “What?”

“Did you seriously say that to my daughter?”

“See what I mean?” he says to Mirai, “what does a guy need to do to know some peace in this life?”

“You’re never around anymore,” she says, “I imagine that has done wonders for you.” Raidou frowns at her for a second, before looking down at Mirai. It’s been the opposite, actually. He is beginning to come to the realization that he, not Yuugao or Kurenai, is the cause of most of his interpersonal misfortune. He won’t know peace until he gives it to himself. The problem is that he doesn’t know how. “Raidou?”

“It wasn’t because of you.” He says, “it’s because of me.” He regrets not being there for her. He isn’t her partner, but she is his family, and they need to be able to rely on each other. “I shouldn’t have fucked off like that.”

“Well, you’re here now.” Kurenai shrugs. “There is nowhere to go but forward.” Raidou nods, because he knows better than to disagree. Kurenai eyes him for a moment. He holds Mirai like she is precious, and Kurenai remembers that this isn’t the way Raidou pictured holding a newborn baby.

“This isn’t what you planned either.” She says quietly. Raidou doesn’t look at her, making a noise in the back of his throat.

“Mirai seems pretty cool,” he says. “She’s kinda ugly, but I bet she’s going to look like you, and you’re beautiful.” Raidou doesn’t often tell Kurenai what he thinks of her looks. His feelings have always been obvious, but it still feels strange to hear him admit it.

“You think I’m pretty?” she asks. Raidou smiles at her, the sunlight soft behind him.

“You have nice windows in this room.” He replies.

“You haven’t answered the question.” She says. Raidou looks down at Mirai.

“Your mommy is probably the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” He says, “well, she’s tied with someone you’re going to meet, who is very special to me. And they could both beat me up too. You’re not an ugly loser like me or your dad, so you’ll probably be like them.” It is Raidou’s personal belief that Kurenai and Yuugao could easily take Asuma. Especially the latter; he’s seen Yuugao spar, and she goes hard. She gave Yamato a black eye once, and true to Anbu fashion, she didn’t apologize because him being too slow isn’t her fault. _It’s how things work in Anbu_.

Kurenai feels herself tear up as she watches Raidou talk to Mirai. In all her years of knowing him, lying beside him, being treated tenderly by him, she has never heard him sound so hopeful. She sniffles loudly, and he looks up at her. “Why are you crying?”

“Because of the way you’re talking.” She rubs her eyes. Raidou tilts his head.

“How am I talking?” he asks.

“Like there is a future.” She says.

“I’m literally holding her in my arms.” Raidou believes this, sincerely. No one but Yuugao ever made him see the point in bringing life into this world. _Mere propagation_ , he used to think of it. Purposeless; a pointless scramble to avoid inevitable annihilation. Even though Mirai was an accident there is nothing pointless about her existence. “You know, I didn’t think it was possible, but I think I love her more than you and Yuugao combined.”

“Really?” Kurenai doesn’t brush her tears away.

“She’s quiet and I get to hand her back when she starts making noise. It’s a sweet deal.” Raidou walks back to her bed, sitting on the edge. He’d reach out and brush her tears away, but he is holding Mirai. “She’ll never make me watch trash television about aliens or annoying rich people, and when she cries all over me, it’ll be over something easy like she’s hungry or has a dirty diaper or is cold.”

“She won’t be easy forever,” Kurenai says, “she’s going to grow up.” He scrunches his face and looks down at the baby in his arms. He can’t imagine her becoming a whole adult or getting into any of the stupid shit he and Kurenai got into. _She’s too perfect_.

“Mirai,” Raidou says, “don’t ever grow up.” She yawns loudly. “I think that’s a yes.” He grins, and Kurenai finds herself reaching for the disposable camera Genma shoved in her bag _for posterity_. Raidou frowns, watching her.

“What are you doing?”

“Preserving this moment.” Kurenai holds it up. “Make a cute face.”

“I don’t have a cute face.”

“You know what I mean!” She says. Raidou rolls his eyes and looks down at Mirai. “See, your mom is going to send me to an early grave with all of her demands.” He smiles when Mirai sneezes, and he doesn’t even jump when he hears the click of the camera.

“You should see how you look at babies,” Kurenai says, “I know why Yuugao wants you to put a baby in her.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Like you didn’t already know?” he mutters. Kurenai blushes.

“This just confirms it.” She replies. Raidou smiles to himself.

He is here a few hours later, when Genma and Anko clamber in. His head is thrown back in a snore, while Mirai sleeps in a crib next to him. Kurenai holds a finger to her lips, and Genma grins, holding his hand out for the camera. Raidou wakes up to the click, and Genma standing over him, not just to catch the snore but also, the way Mirai sleeps peacefully through it. _Well, you did sleep next to Kurenai for most of her pregnancy, it only makes sense that Mirai would adjust_. Raidou looks at Mirai, hoping she will never make fun of him. There’s no chance; even Raidou knows that there is too much not to laugh at.

**

Yuugao quietly cuts vegetables at the counter. She does it slowly, methodically. Raidou washes his hands in the sink, saying nothing. He isn’t wearing his uniform, for once. She bought him a crewneck pullover last year. It’s navy blue with a blue shark on it. She found it in Kiri. She likes how he looks in blue. It brings out his tan.

With his shark sweater, he wears black sweatpants. She picked up the phone when Shizune called a few days ago. The news hit her right between the eyes. Yuugao just called out to Raidou and held the phone out to him. She’s only just processed it today. Kurenai has a baby. Yuugao hasn’t cried about it, not yet, but she can tell that Raidou is keeping it from her. He asked her if she wanted to visit with him this morning. _She’s cute_. Yuugao frowned and said that she needed to read some reports for work. He nodded and said okay. Raidou came back at a decent hour, telling her to take a shower and that he would clean up the kitchen before bed.

He’s been going easy on her. No demands. Soft words. Moving around her, anticipating her needs like he always does.

He knows she is jealous and upset. That she feels rotten inside for feeling this way about a little baby. She doesn’t wish harm on Mirai, or that she didn’t exist. Rather, Mirai reminds her of who doesn’t and will never exist.

“You don’t talk about them.” Yuugao says, picking up a cucumber. She hears Raidou turn off the sink.

“Well, there isn’t much to say.” He says, lying. He wants to tell Yuugao about all the cute noises Mirai makes, how she already has so many preferences, that she grips his pointer and it’s like all he sees is her. _Babies are magic_. But Yuugao always knew that.

“You don’t have to protect my feelings.” Yuugao’s voice is cold. Raidou crosses his arms, staring at her back. He knows how each of her muscles, ribs and tendons fit to her spine. He focuses on that, rather than her tone.

“I don’t want to be insensitive.” He says. Yuugao puts her palm on the dull side of the knife, driving it into the cucumber with more force than necessary.

“It’s not you, it’s life that doesn’t care about my feelings.”

“Yuugao,” he sighs.

“What?” she hisses, narrowing her eyes at him. _You better not make me sound crazy_.

“You can’t live this way,” he says. “It’s killing you.” _And you’re making me watch_. Yuugao turns back to the vegetables. “Talk to me.”

“There is nothing to say.” Yuugao is tired of feeling bad, but she doesn’t know when it will end or how to get it to go by faster.

“That’s not true. You have lots to say, and I want to hear it.” He wants to listen better, and Shin said part of that is inviting Yuugao to share her feelings, instead of expecting her to do it unprompted.

“You want to know how I feel?” she asks, feeling her anger rise up like a big red dragon, crawling up from her stomach to her throat. “How I really feel about everything that has happened?” Asuma is a father and in the ground. Yuugao will never be a mother and has to live with it. She thinks about Asuma often. He was always kind to her, kind of like Yamato. Like a big brother. It’s why she feels comfortable speaking on his behalf, even though they weren’t close in this lifetime.

“Yes,” Raidou says softly. “I want to hear it.”

“I think Asuma and I are paying the price for you and Kurenai not being together.” Yuugao doesn’t look at him as she says it. Raidou frowns.

“Where is this coming from?” he asks. Raidou thinks that he has made it very clear that he wants to be with Yuugao. How many more times does he have to neglect his relationship with Kurenai to make Yuugao comfortable? He doesn’t sleep there. He isn’t pining for Kurenai. He just visits, helping her around the house, spending time with her baby. Things are different now. He cannot just cut off Kurenai. Raidou wants to do the right thing, and that means he has to be there for the baby.

“It comes from the fact that Asuma is in the ground and I’m barren.” Yuugao sets the knife down, turning to look at Raidou. “So, look, you can go be with Kurenai, and have your cute family, and I’ll just stay here, out of the way.” She picks up the cucumber and walks to the fridge. Raidou pinches the bridge of his nose.

“That’s not true.” He replies. “What happened isn’t anyone’s fault.”

“Nope,” Yuugao throws the cucumber into the fridge, “this is the kind of shit that happens when you mess with fate.”

“Kurenai and I aren’t fated.” Raidou knew that a long time ago. Soulmates don’t end up together. “The gods gave us free will for a reason, Yuugao.” She slams the fridge door.

“Free will doesn’t mean without consequence.” She says, “I can’t speak for Asuma, but if I knew then what I know now, we wouldn’t be here.” Raidou snaps back the _that doesn’t hurt_. Shin would want him to communicate his feelings.

“That’s a real mean thing to say.” It’s all he can manage. Yuugao shrugs.

“If there is anything we’ve learned, the truth is mean.” She says. Raidou frowns. When she’s like this, he wonders where his sweet, loving partner went. They’ve had a lot of fights like this, so this isn’t a huge surprise, but she throws him curveballs all the time. He just doesn’t know how many more he can absorb before he has to ask her why she stays, if he brings her so much misery. _Probably because it is her apartment_.

“Yuugao, you can’t keep saying these kinds of things to me. They really hurt my feelings, and it feels like we keep sliding backwards.” Raidou watches her stiffen.

“You forgive Kurenai for all sorts of things.” Yuugao says. Raidou make a long _hmmm_.

“You’re not Kurenai.” He says. Yuugao feels something in her stomach tighten.

“That’s right.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asks.

“You have higher standards for me than you do her.” Yuugao is pretty sure that Kurenai could kill Raidou, and he would find a way to make it not her fault.

“You are my partner.” He replies.

“Am I?” Yuugao asks. “Because, from where I’m standing, every time something big happens around here, you go running to Kurenai first.”

“That’s not fair.” Raidou knows he isn’t great, but every time he has, _quote unquote_ , run to Kurenai first, there was a clear reason for doing so. For him, it doesn’t matter who he goes to first, because he goes where he is immediately needed. What matters for him is where he ends up, and it is always with Yuugao.

“Why not?”

“Because I chose you. I’m happy with you. I want you.” He replies.

“You don’t act like it.” Yuugao crosses her arms and glares at him.

“I have given her up every time you’ve asked!” Raidou says.

“You should just know how to be appropriate with an ex, Raidou,” she says, “this shit isn’t hard.”

“Kurenai is my family. Our parents are dead, my brother is dead, _fuck_ , our sensei is _dead_. For a very long time, it was just me and her.” He sighs. “You, her, Mirai and Genma are the the people I care about most.”

“What about Asuma and Himself?” Yuugao says, “you always leave them out.”

“Well, Asuma is dead and Himself is an asshole.” Raidou replies.

“Legally speaking, Himself _is_ her family.” _You have no claim to her_. Yuugao wonders if it bothers him. Raidou gives her a hard stare. _Fuck Shin’s advice_. It’s time to shut up and look for an escape. Yuugao stiffens when she sees his eyes flick over to the door. She narrows her eyes, and feels the big dragon climb out of her throat once more. “Maybe you should have chosen her.”

If Raidou were in a destructive mood, he could lie and say that Kurenai wasn’t an option. But that isn’t the truth. Kurenai had been an option, he just didn’t ask. Raidou doesn’t say anything. He walks over to the door and puts his shoes on. He shuts the door quietly, locking it behind him.

**

Raidou is aware that he is doing one of the things that Yuugao is mad at him for, but he doesn’t exactly care about what she thinks. He knocks on the familiar red door and smiles when Kurenai answers. She looks tired, and she is still sore. She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and smiles up at him. Raidou’s face softens as she steps aside to open the door for him.

“You came for another visit?” she asks.

“Yuugao and I had a fight,” he says, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

“You walked out on her?” Kurenai asks. He never did that, when they were together. When they were apart, he only did it when she really deserved it. _Your parents didn’t teach you to run away_. Kurenai can’t recall ever hearing about them fighting. It makes her wonder how Raidou ended up in two fucked up, disorienting relationships.

“She’s angry,” he slips his shoes off, “I didn’t know how to constructively participate in the conversation any longer, so I left.” He walks up into the living room, where Mirai is nestled in a bassinette. She is sleeping.

Raidou walks over, to look down at her. _I want to sleep like a baby_. It’s cruel that he had to grow up. Kurenai pads up behind him.

“What happened?” she asks. Raidou doesn’t turn around.

“She said that she and Asuma are being punished for coming between the two of us.” Looking at Mirai, he knows that’s not true. Asuma and Kurenai were endgame. Something this perfect doesn’t come around by chance. “She’s hurt, that’s all. She doesn’t mean it.” Kurenai frowns at his back, walking up to him. She presses herself into him wraps her arms around his waist, like she has many times before.

“What is she really angry about?” Kurenai asks. She refuses to believe that Yuugao really thinks that she wasn’t meant to be with Raidou. She wouldn’t be with him otherwise, and Kurenai knows, for a fact, that he is a catch. “She’s with the best catch Konoha has ever had.” Raidou snorts.

“I’m alright.”

“Answer the question.” Kurenai feels him sigh. It’s heavy.

“She took a pregnancy test before you gave birth. She was a week late, and it came up negative. I found her in the tub. I don’t think she’s recovered.” Raidou puts his hands over Kurenai’s. “Sometimes, it feels like she wants to hurt herself, and I don’t know how to stop her.” She presses the side of her face to his back.

“Ouch.” Kurenai can’t imagine what Yuugao is going through. It has to be pretty bad, if she is lashing out at Raidou.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’ve got to go back home soon, but I couldn’t stay there.”

“You don’t walk out unless it’s bad,” she says. “You’re the kind of man who stays.”

“Is that a good thing?” he asks. “Because sometimes, I wonder.” _Baby_ , Kurenai thinks.

“I’m sure you and Yuugao can work through it.” Kurenai says, squeezing him tight, the way she did when he was nine and she was five, and he was trying to run away from her. She used to drag her feet and haul him down to the dirt. _I want you to stay with me._ Raidou used to retort _but you’re annoying and I don’t want to spend time with you. Don’t say that to me!_ Kurenai would shout without fail.

“Maybe,” he hums. He is grateful that Kurenai just holds him tighter.

**

Yuugao had stormed off to Yamato’s apartment, and banged on his door until he agreed to go out drinking. She won’t tell him what’s wrong, exactly, but it’s obvious to him that it has something to do with Raidou. It doesn’t seem like they have been happy for a few months, but Yamato won’t be the one to suggest breaking up. Yuugao has to come to that conclusion herself.

In the meantime, he sat across from her for two hours, watching her drink five beers on an empty stomach. He pays the bill when she orders her sixth and his third. He forces her to leave the bar after number six, and he helps her stumble into an alley. Which is how they end up standing over a trashcan, Yuugao puking with Yamato holding her hair back. As is the case for many people puking in public for the first time, she is trying, and failing, to hold tears back.

“It’s okay,” Yamato says, stroking her back. Yuugao sputters and lowers her head into the can, embarrassed. She has never puked in public before. _A new low_.

“It’s not okay,” she sighs, heaving. Nothing comes up, but she stays over the can. Yamato opens his mouth to respond when they hear a throat being cleared. It’s familiar, and they both groan internally. Yuugao and Yamato swivel their heads at the same time, looking at Kakashi, who stands there, slouched, hands in his pockets.

“Tenzou, I didn’t know you made girls puke.” Kakashi drawls. Yamato chooses not to respond. Yuugao narrows her eyes.

“I’ll puke on you for being rude,” she says, before turning back to the garbage to let another torrent out.

“How much did she drink?” Kakashi asks. Yamato sighs.

“Not as much as she wanted to.” He rubs her back as she groans. Yuugao closes her eyes, trying not to think of how awful she feels.

“Yuugao,” Kakashi says, “want to tell me why you drank so much?” Yamato gives him a sour look, as Yuugao begins to cry over the garbage can.

“That’s not helpful,” Yamato says, putting a hand on her shoulder. She starts crying harder, big, choked sobs coming out. She’s empty; there is nothing left to puke up. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, as Yamato holds onto her shoulders. They don’t say anything, instead, watching her cry. Eventually, Kakashi decides to take control.

“Let’s get her on your back. We need to take her home.” At the mention of home, Yuugao cries harder, and Yamato sighs loudly. _This is going to be messy_.

**

Yuugao isn’t a difficult drunk, so much as she gets weepy and pathetic. Her arms are wrapped around Yamato’s neck, and her cheeks rests next to his. Her breath smells like puke, but he likes her so much, that he doesn’t mind. “I don’t want to go home.” She whines.

“Where would you rather go?” Kakashi asks.

“Yamato, let’s have a sleepover,” she buries her face in his neck. “We can share our secrets. I’ll tell you everything.”

“You already do,” he says. Kakashi walks beside them, trying not to think about what happened the last time Yuugao didn’t want to go home.

“Well, we’re pretty much here,” he says, opening the door to the building. Yamato steps in and walks up the stairs, despite her protests. She keeps her face tucked into his neck, while Kakashi follows behind them.

“I really hurt Raidou’s feelings today,” she says, just as they reach the door.

“You’re very pathetic and easy to sympathize with right now,” Kakashi says, “apologizing will be easy.” Yuugao whimpers as Yamato adjusts her on his back. Kakashi knocks on the apartment door.

It takes a few seconds, but they hear Raidou on the other side of the door. When he opens the door, he looks very tired. Upon seeing Yuugao, he looks relieved. “Yuugao.” She looks up at him, tears in her eyes.

“I didn’t want to come home.” She says, tightening her grip on Yamato.

“Why not?” Raidou asks quietly, taking her shoes off of her feet. Yamato kicks his own off. She takes a second to answer, watching Raidou take off her shoes.

“Because I hurt your feelings.” She says. “I’m a rotten person.”

“No, you’re not.” Raidou says. Yamato walks into the apartment, taking Yuugao with him. Kakashi stands outside the door, poking his head in. As Yamato argues with Yuugao, trying to get her off of his back, Raidou looks at Kakashi. “You can come in.” Kakashi says nothing, but he steps inside, taking his shoes off.

Eventually, Yamato sits on the couch, shaking Yuugao loose and standing back up before she can climb back on. “Don’t leave me, Yamato.” She stretches her arms up, whining. He sighs.

“I’ve got to go home.” He looks down at her, hands on his hips.

“I want you to stay,” she whimpers, “you’re the only one who really sees me.” Yamato will never, ever want to fuck her and he knows all her secrets. He has no reason to like her, but nonetheless, he does anyway.

“That’s not true,” he sighs. He doesn’t have anything else to say. Raidou walks over and sits beside Yuugao, who has her head in her hands.

“Why do you say those things?” he asks, wrapping an arm around her. Yuugao leans away from him. “Because I am a bad person. I’m rotten and evil inside.” Raidou sighs.

“No, you’re not.” He pauses. “You said some pretty hurtful things, but you’re not a bad person. You said those things because you are hurting.” Raidou strokes her hair. Yuugao turns to look at him, sniffling. He has never seen her this bad.

“I’m a bad person. That must be why I can’t have a baby.” Yuugao flops back, and Raidou scoops her up. Kakashi waves at Yamato, taking Yuugao’s confession to be their cue to leave. Yamato nods, and begins to quietly step away.

“You’re not a bad person at all,” Raidou says softly. He smells the puke on her breath, and sighs to himself. He hears Yamato and Kakashi slip out, and he holds her closer.

“You love me, you have to be delusional!” Yuugao exclaims.

“No, I’m not,” he murmurs, “I watched you take care of Kurenai, and our plants and your mom and dad. You take care of me. You protect and love me, even after everything I’ve put your through. You make me want to be a parent, and a better person. You make me hope for the future. Evil doesn’t make anyone hopeful.” He cups her cheek with a hand. “You’re the most special person I know, because you make me look forward to the future.” Before he met Mirai, no one else, not even Kurenai, has ever been able to make Raidou look forward to whatever comes his way.

“You mean all that?” she asks softly. She puts her forehead against his.

“Yes.” Raidou means all of it. Yuugao cries, and throws her arms around Raidou, presses her cheek to his.

“I’m sorry baby,” she says right into his ear. Raidou smiles.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for, it’s okay.” He tucks his face into the side of her neck. Yuugao sniffles a little more, but she pulls him closer.

**

Raidou brushed her teeth before putting her to bed, after which he, presumably, brushed his own and tidied everything up. She managed to take off her clothes and pull on her sleep shirt, but Raidou, being a man who doesn’t wash his face every night, didn’t make sure to clean her make up off. She can feel the gunk around her eyes, as she blinks awake.

The morning is grey and drizzly. She looks out the window. She can feel Raidou’s face pressed into her back. He snores into her shoulder. It makes the back of her neck shiver. She scrunches herself up tight, trying to fight off her anxiety. She whimpers to herself, pressing her face into her pillow. She feels Raidou wrap his arm around her. “Don’t cry,” he murmurs. Yuugao sighs.

“I won’t,” she replies in a down soft voice. She keeps her promise until she hears him start snoring again.

**

Raidou frowns at the instructions. He decided that Mirai needs a bookshelf, so he went and bought one. After he builds it, Aoba is going to come over and help him anchor it to the wall, lest Mirai decide to climb the shelves. Genma isn’t too handy, and Aoba isn’t much better, but Raidou can’t do the job himself.

He chose a pastel yellow shelf. Raidou is bent over it, screwing the thing together, when Kurenai walks in, holding Mirai. He has been doing chores like this since his big fight with Yuugao. He has mowed the lawn, washed the floors, built Genma his own shelf, hung up several paintings and mirrors, and vacuumed the entire place, top to bottom, _twice_. She can tell that he is stressed, but she doesn’t know how to help, other than let him fix her house. Raidou isn’t in the mood for advice, and well, Kurenai is the last person who should be giving it to him.

“Do you want to talk?” Kurenai asks, standing over him. Raidou looks up at her, frowning.

“No.” He says. Kurenai sighs.

“Something is bothering you.” She says, “I want to listen.”

“Go spend time with your baby,” he grunts, “it’s stupid.”

“Do you want to come hold her?” Kurenai asks, nudging him with her big toe. He smiles.

“You know I want to,” he sighs, “but look at all the things I need to fix!” Kurenai snorts.

“We both know you’re just looking for problems to solve.” She sits down beside him, careful with Mirai. “Take a baby break. It will be good for you.” He sets the screwdriver down on the floor and sits back. Kurenai passes Mirai over to him, and not for the first time, she melts a little when she sees the way he holds her daughter.

Raidou smiles at Mirai and thinks about how badly he wants a baby with Yuugao. “So,” Kurenai says, “are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s all the same. Yuugao can’t get pregnant but doesn’t want to adopt. I want kids.” Raidou sighs. Kurenai looks up at his stupid handsome face and sighs.

“She has a preference.” A stupid but nonetheless, valid one.

“But what about me?” he asks quietly. He is trying to think more about what he wants, and he is panicking when he discovers that he doesn’t want his life to play out like this.

“You have Mirai,” Kurenai says softly. “Genma sees her like a hamster and Shikamaru is more of a brother.” Raidou smiles down at Mirai.

“It shouldn’t be me, you know.”

“You always say that,” Kurenai says, “but if it shouldn’t be you, why are you the one who is here?”

“I guess,” he replies. He pokes Mirai’s cheek as Kurenai kisses his temple and stands up to go to the bathroom.

**

Kakashi sits on a bench, looking out at kids playing. _How pedestrian,_ he thinks, _contemplating one’s own life while looking at lives that have barely started_. Any asshole can have a ‘meaningful’ moment like this. Then again, Kakashi supposes that he is just any asshole. He sighs, leaning back, looking up at the sky.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like this, but his neck is aching when he feels Yuugao sit beside him. They are speaking, but not like they were. It’s friendly. Not what he wanted, but he’s glad that she isn’t ignoring him anymore.

“Yuugao,” he says softly. He sits up and looks at her when she doesn’t reply. She looks like she has been crying. “What’s wrong?” Kakashi hasn’t seen her since the night that she broke down and called herself rotten and evil. He doesn’t know what to say to her. She’s not right, not at all, but he doesn’t know how to say it.

“Kurenai had her baby.” Yuugao knows her name, but she isn’t ready to say it. Asuma literally gave Kurenai a ‘future,’ and here she is, with nothing. Raidou sleeps beside her but he doesn’t say much, and he spends his days fixing things around Kurenai’s house.

Yuugao can’t even blame him. She did tell him that he made the wrong choice. Raidou still makes her meals and buys her favorite juice boxes, but he keeps his emotional distance. Yuugao looks at Kakashi, who hasn’t moved towards her. She can’t blame him either. _When did I become this person?_ Yuugao has always prided herself on being kind and compassionate. But the way Raidou refuses to look at her and how Kakashi does look at her suggests otherwise.

“How are you coping?” Kakashi asks. Yuugao sighs.

“I’m not.” She replies. “I’m really, really not coping.” Yuugao puts her head in her hands. Kakashi sighs and moves towards her, arms open. Yuugao makes a hideous noise in the back of her throat, and it makes him think of his father’s apology. This is the kind of noise Kakashi wanted to make. Yuugao relaxes for a few minutes, before squirming away, looking at him with bright, glassy eyes. She looks right into his eye and pushes his forehead protector up to reveal his left eye.

Kakashi doesn’t move. Not when she strokes his undereye with her pointer finger or pulls his mask down. He doesn’t really know what he wants to say. The ‘you really hurt me,’ ‘what about your boyfriend,’ ‘this isn’t going to end well,’ ‘we’re in public,’ and the obvious ‘do it, please,’ all get mixed up in his throat. She puts a hand against his cheek and leans forward.

She kisses him, softly, gently; real-y. It’s not like the first time, when they were drunk and horny. _This is what real intimacy feels like_. Yuugao’s mouth is only against his for a second, before she pulls back and strokes his cheek with her thumb.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly.

“That hurt,” he says. She humiliated him, made him accountable for her mistake. Nonetheless, he could see her with both eyes. He saw her coming and let her do it anyway.

“I know,” she replies. She carefully pulls his mask up and then pulls his forehead protector back over his left eye, like she is leaving him undamaged.

When she stands up and walks away, she can only think of how much she misses Raidou and the future they could have had.

**

Yuugao walks home, feeling awful. Not because she kissed Kakashi, or because of the way she spoke to Raidou. No, she feels terrible because she doesn’t recognize the person she has become. She has never been a perky or upbeat person, but she can’t remember the last time she was this miserable. She picked up a singular yogurt to eat for dinner. Yuugao isn’t hungry, but she knows Raidou, on some level, is concerned for her.

She walks up the steps, unlocking the door. Yuugao walks in, slipping her shoes off. Raidou, dripping wet, steps out of the bathroom.

“Hey,” he says, holding a towel around his waist. He disappears into the bedroom. Yuugao sets the yogurt on the counter, and pads after him.

When she gets into the bedroom, he is over by the dresser, opening his underwear drawer.

“Stop.” She says quietly. Raidou looks at her, blinking. Yuugao unzips her dress and pulls it over her head. No bra today, just a pair of lace panties. Raidou drops his towel, walking over to her. The sky is grey. She watches him approach her, feeling her skin prickle and her lower belly knot up. Raidou comes up to her, eyeing the flat plane of her stomach.

He doesn’t say anything to her. She leans up to kiss him, her hands on his face. Raidou leans down into her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Raidou?” she pants.

“Uh-huh,” he grunts, kissing her jaw.

“I want you to fuck me.” She says.

“Okay.” He pushes her underwear off of her hips, and she steps out of them. Yuugao looks up at him, a serious expression on her face.

“I want to play a game.” She says quietly. Raidou kisses her neck instead of responding. “Raidou,” she sighs, “baby, are you listening?”

“Yes,” he says softly.

“I want you to put a baby in me,” Yuugao says, “no, I need you to put a baby in me.” Raidou supposes he should freeze or hit pause, but sex is the one thing he knows how to do right, and he knows that she really means when she asks him to do this one, small thing for her. Raidou kisses her, digging his nails into the small of her back.

“Where?” he asks. Yuugao kisses his collarbone, making him close his eyes.

“Just sit me on the dresser.” Yuugao yelps when he picks her up and hoists her over his shoulder. His shoulder hurts her tummy, but she doesn’t mind the discomfort. Rather, it simply registers.

Raidou sets her down only to lift her up onto the dresser. She pushes a pile of laundry onto the ground and sends a picture of them down as well. Neither bothers to look to see if the frame broke apart. Yuugao opens her legs and calls Raidou forward. She waves his hand away, shaking her head at his offer of foreplay. She doesn’t want to orgasm. Rather, she wants to feel him come so hard inside of her that she can pretend that he is going to get her pregnant. Like he just hasn’t been trying hard enough.

She cracks herself open and apart, pulling him in. Raidou kisses her neck, trying to be tender. She wraps her legs around his hips, and she has her arms around his waist. She smells like her neroli body oil and heat. He thrusts up into her, holding her down. Despite herself, Yuugao feels good, like the right itch is being scratched. She looks up at the ceiling and lets herself enjoy this good and perfect moment.

Raidou is continually surprised by how in love he is with Yuugao and yet, how bad their relationship has become. Sex is the only time things make sense. How can the sex be so good and the love so strong and nonetheless, things are falling apart?

He searches for her mouth and finds it. She kisses him deep as he goes further inside of her. It hurts, except that’s the point. She rocks against him, kissing his nose and chin while he pants and grunts. Her lips move over his scar, and she thinks about how badly she wants to have his baby. It’s all she can think about, lately.

She can tell that he is close. It’s in the way he moves against her, how he breathes in and out. “Raidou,” she groans, “please put a baby in me.” He thrusts a little too hard, but she absorbs the impact.

“I’ll do it until one takes,” he grunts, before letting the whirring feeling in his gut takeover. He digs his fingers into her hips and makes her feel like an animal. He slams home, extra hard, the way Yuugao likes, and he moves his hand between her legs to rub out her orgasm. Yuugao screams, and the sound pierces something inside of him.

It’s messy, between the two of them. Yuugao can’t believe that all of _that_ came out of him and her. Raidou steps back, watching her look at their fluids. “It’s gross, isn’t it?” he asks. Yuugao looks him dead in the eye, sticking her pointer finger inside of her before putting it in her mouth. Raidou feels himself hardening again, but he doesn’t do anything until she whines about feeling empty.

So, he picks her up, throws her on the bed, and makes her feel full.

**

When they finally get the notice that they will be going to war, Yuugao and Raidou don’t say anything about it, not directly. He’s felt like a monster since he agreed to _put a baby in me_ , and she is heartbroken when, like clockwork, her period comes. She has to go a day earlier then him, in the same deployment as Genma. Raidou walks her to the gate, and he tells her _I love you and stay safe_. She kisses his chin, and Genma gags.

Raidou has his pack on his shoulder. He’s got to go to the gate, but he has business to attend to. He walks up to the door, and knocks once, twice. When Kurenai peeks out from behind the door, he smiles. “Hey.”

“Raidou,” she smiles, stepping out from behind the door. She is wearing one of his old, hole-y sweaters.

“I was wondering where that ended up.” He says, pointing at the grey sweater. Kurenai shrugs, her hair tumbling over her shoulder.

“You don’t remember giving it to me?” she asks. She had pouted at him because he was going on hits all the time, and he gave her this sweater to placate her.

“Yeah, I remember,” he smiles, “you were mad that I was gone all the time.” They smile at each other, before he looks down at the ground.

“You’re going to the war, aren’t you?” she asks. Raidou nods, looking up at her.

“Yes.”

“There was a day when Asuma promised to come home and he didn’t.” Kurenai crosses her arms, chewing the lining of her cheek. She feels powerless. It was bad when Genma left, and it’s worse now. “Genma didn’t make any promises because he refuses to break my heart.”

“He’s a good guy.” Raidou tilts his head, “you should’ve fallen in love with him.”

“Never,” Kurenai says. They stare at each other, before Raidou clears his throat and sticks his hands into his pockets. He pulls out his car keys and puts them in her hand.

“I’m gonna come back and get the car…and if not, it’s yours. The tank is full, and it will get you and Mirai to the border, no problem.” He says this like he hasn’t admitted to the possibility that he could not only die but that they could lose.

“You’re giving me the shit wagon?” she asks. Raidou frowns.

“It’s my most prized possession.” He deadpans. Raidou pauses, looking down at his hands. His rings glint in the sun.

He takes each of the four rings he wears off and puts them in Kurenai’s open palm. “These are a little nicer than the shit wagon.” Kurenai looks at them, frowning.

“Are you saying you won’t come back?” she asks. Raidou sighs.

“I’m saying I want you to have those.” He bites his lip. “We don’t live in world where I can promise to come back and mean it. The next best thing I can do is give you shit I will have to come back here to get.” Kurenai tuck his rings and car keys into her pockets, before she steps out the door to see him.

She should want him to die with honor, but instead, selfishly, she wants him to live no matter what. Kurenai doesn’t want to gracefully accept the reality of violent death. _Be a coward and come home_. But Raidou isn’t a coward in battle. He stands there, hands in his pockets, looking at her, waiting for her to speak. But Kurenai has no words, like him, when he saw her safe in the evacuation centre. She puts her hands on his cheeks and presses her lips to his. It’s soft, and not particularly romantic.

Raidou corrects that when he steps forward and kisses her again. Moon and stars. Big feelings. Everything and more. He pulls back, smiling. “That’s how you’re supposed to kiss someone when you don’t know if you will see them again.” He swallows. “I got to go.”

“I love you,” she says softly. “Come home, please.” Raidou is struck by her manners. He nods. “I love you and Mirai. I’ll do my best.” He smiles, watching her slip his big rings onto her tiny fingers. “Those won’t fit.”

“I’ll get so fat that I’ll make them fit!” She says, like she’s seven. Raidou smiles.

“Good luck with that.” He says, “I’m going now.”

“Really?”

“For real,” he hums.

“Okay,” she kisses his chin, before he steps away from her. She watches him walk down the street, and she tries not to throw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP here we are. Two chapters left of this miserable arc, lol. I've given myself emotional whiplash, and Raidou is the Mr. Krabs blur meme. I don't even know where Kurenai and Yuugao are. I have a vision to deliver but MAN, does it hurt. At least we have Genma breaking the fourth wall, since I imagine that you probably empathize with him.
> 
> I cribbed the line "we were in love" and the idea of Raidou pressing his mouth to a bee sting on Kurenai's shoulder from a Sufjan Stevens song, “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us!”
> 
> As always, thank you for all your comments and support! They make me really happy, and encourage me to continue making myself, Raidou, Kurenai and Yuugao miserable. You quite often point out things I hadn't considered, and it's good to know what's working and how the story is landing. I've said this before, but I eat them up for days. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!


	20. It Pours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the war.

“You don’t know half of the shit you put me through”

Lana Del Rey, “Norman fucking Rockwell”

It is over. The war, everything: done. Raidou was checked over, again and again by Shizune before he was allowed to leave the medic tent, and crawl back into the one he shares with Yuugao. She is there when he gets back, lying on her back, staring straight up at the ceiling. As he takes off his sandals, his flak jacket, Raidou wonders if the cloth of a tent could really be considered a ceiling. He doesn’t think it is right, but nothing is right, and it can never be, not after he sent his own brother back to the afterlife.

Asuma came back too. Raidou would have preferred to square off with him.

But like many things in Raidou’s life, the way it should have played out isn’t what actually happened. He takes off his shirt, but he leaves his pants on. Yuugao still hasn’t said anything. He crawls up to his sleeping bag, lying on top of it. He lets his body sink onto the ground, before saying anything.

“Yuugao,” he murmurs, “I’m happy to see you.” Raidou couldn’t take another hit. It would kill him. She looks at him, her eyes soft but a frown on her face.

“I’m happy to see you too.” She replies.

“You look upset, actually.” Raidou puts his hand out to touch her, but she shifts away.

“I saw Hayate today,” she says quietly. Raidou swallows.

“Oh,” he says. Yuugao sighs.

“I’m still in love with him.” She says this softly, almost like she didn’t mean to say it. Raidou nods.

“I know.” He moves to his back, the foot of space between them feeling like a mile.

They are silent for a bit. Raidou know she wasn’t really his, but it still hurt to hear her say it that way. He was still Kurenai’s, but he never pointed it out to Yuugao. It makes him less of a man for being this way.

“I saw my brother.” Raidou says quietly. “I sent him back to the afterlife myself.” His brother, whose death made Raidou into a man. It wasn’t killing, or having sex, or learning to drive a car. It wasn’t even with the death of his parents. The day his brother died was the day Raidou became an adult.

Yuugao stares at the ceiling. She has no words for how seeing Hayate made her feel, only acute pain. She doesn’t want to talk, period, and especially not about Raidou’s dead brother, who he never talks about anyway. She rolls onto her side, her back to Raidou.

“It’s not the same,” she says.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“Hayate is a whole half of me.” Yuugao sits up, turning to look at him. “I can’t let go of him.” Raidou blinks, looking at her.

“I can’t let go of my brother.” Raidou says, “he is my family.”

“It’s not love,” she says quietly. He can’t believe that she is saying this to him. _Is this how you really feel?_ If so, he doesn’t know why she keeps him here.

“It is love,” he replies, “it’s just not the same kind.” Yuugao sniffs.

“Losing Hayate is worse.” Yuugao says, “and I had to do it a second time.” Raidou, unable to engage, simply rolls over, his back to Yuugao.

He bites back the obvious: she isn’t the only person who had to survive a second round of the absolute worst, today. Some people lost more than that, discovering one or two or more fresh hells. But Raidou stays silent. He hears her let out a huff, and within minutes, he falls asleep.

In his dreams, his brother teaches him how to ride a bike. But when he is about to topple over, instead of catching him, his brother lets him fall to the concrete.

**

Kurenai wears Raidou’s pinky rings on her middle fingers which are, by far, her fattest fingers, but they are still too loose. She uses her thumbs to roll them around the base of her fingers as she chews the lining of her cheek. They’ve been gone for a few weeks now, maybe more. She looks at Mirai, who is sleeping on her back. _You don’t know what’s going on_. She wonders if Mirai remembers Raidou; what he smells like, the noises he makes, the way he holds her. It will break her heart if she has another person whose significance she has to explain to her daughter.

She looks at Asuma’s picture, propped up on the mantle. Genma told her that it was weird for Asuma to be the focal point of the room, that she should have him on a side table by a window. _That man liked to cruise through life, how dare you not let him have peace in death?_

Raidou was supposed to build the end table he would rest on. The pieces are in the garage, ready to be assembled. She walks up to Asuma’s picture and rubs a thumb over his cheek. “You’ll make sure they come back, right?” she murmurs. He looks handsome in the picture. He is smiling like he knows something you really want to know too. Yuugao said his smile was disarming. Kurenai agrees. Asuma had a smile that made you soften and open up. _You’re too good for me, still_. She lights a stick of incense and puts it in the holder in front of his picture.

She knows why Asuma did what he did. He told her that you fight to protect the children who will grow up and carry on the future. So, knowing she was pregnant, he made a gamble and lost. Maybe he won; she and Mirai are alright, after all. Her father told her, right before he died, that if she wanted to honor his memory, that she should bear a child who will survive her and pass on the Will of Fire. _Here I am, dad_. Her comrades are out there risking their lives while she is sidelined. _Are you proud of me?_

Kurenai spins the rings on her fingers, holding her hands in fists. She doesn’t want another man she cares about to die. She especially doesn’t want Raidou or Genma to die. _Be selfish and come home_. She thinks this, heart sinking, because she knows that she is the selfish one for wanting them to come back, even if it means everything will fall apart.

  
**

“Do you think I was born under a cursed star?” Kakashi asks, looking up at the night sky. Yamato blinks, sipping his beer before answering.

“I don’t think any of the stars were out when you were born.” The sky must have been pitch black. Kakashi snorts.

“An ill omen?”

“Nope. Light pollution.” Yamato sips his beer. He can tell that Kakashi wants to say something to him, but he doesn’t know what. He said that, when he died, he saw his father, but he hasn’t gone into detail. He seems tired; over it, really _. If I were Kakashi, I would have been over life a long time ago_. Kakashi doesn’t realize how resilient he is, compared to everyone else they know. At the beginning of every year, everyone always bets whether or not this is the year that Kakashi has a nervous breakdown. So far, it hasn’t happened.

That doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. It just means that it will be extra bad, _if_ and _when_ it happens.

“You look troubled.” Yamato says.

“I just fought in a war.” Kakashi sips his beer. He leaves his mask down, since it is just the two of them.

“You were off before the war,” Yamato says, “and Sasuke came back. You should be happy.”

“I died and saw my father.” There was no chance of him being the same after that.

“Is that it?” Yamato asks. Kakashi’s mouth twists.

“Yuugao kissed me.” In the grand scheme of things, it is a very small thing. A blip. Beneath consideration, when you take into account the sum total of all the soul crushing things he has endured.

If Yamato is surprised, he doesn’t let on. “How did that make you feel?”

“Conflicted.” He sips his beer. “I can’t remember ever liking anyone enough to ignore that they have a boyfriend.”

“You’re just mad that you’re second place, for once.” Yamato says. Kakashi frowns.

“It’s more.” He says quietly.

“She likes someone else.” Yamato replies, “the more you feed into it, the worse it will get.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Kakashi sighs. “Maybe that’s why I like her. If Yuugao were available, I don’t think it would be the same.”

“And what does that say about you?” Yamato asks. Kakashi frowns.

“That I want to die alone.” He drawls. Yamato snorts in response.

“I was going to say that it means you’re a person, like the rest of us.”

“It blows.”

“Being a person is a curse.” Yamato says. Kakashi raises his beer in the air, before taking a sip. 

**

Raidou left as soon as he could. Yuugao said she would deal with the tent if he took his things. So, he did. He packed it all up and trudged all the way home. It’s late, when he gets back. Mirai’s bedtime. He isn’t even at the door, when Kurenai bursts out, holding Mirai in her arms.

They stare at each for a long moment. It’s been days but it feels like years. Kurenai is glad to see him safe, relieved, actually. Like she can breathe again. _I won’t have to live through another one_. Kurenai would have been okay for her child. But losing Raidou would be worse than Asuma. Kurenai has never had to live without him. Even when they weren’t speaking, he was still alive and walking around the village. She rocks Mirai, gently.

Raidou blinks at her. He wants to fall at her feet and tell her everything. Hayate. Asuma. His brother. But he feels heavy, like if he went down, he would never get up, and he can’t do that to Kurenai and Mirai. So he turns his lips up into the closest thing he can manage to a smile. He walks up to her, slowly.

Raidou stands before her and places his hands on Mirai’s head. She coos as his thumb rubs over her forehead. He is always surprised by how soft she is, even though she is little. It makes the war worth it, knowing that things will be different for her. That life still exists beside death.

“How was it?” Kurenai asks. Raidou doesn’t answer immediately. “Raidou?”

“We won,” he replies, unable to resist her soft voice. “I need to go shower.” Kurenai steps aside and allows him into the house.

She watches his back, and frowns as he slumps in, takes off his shoes and drops his pack to the floor. He walks up into the house, stiff. She bites her lip. She can’t remember him ever being this old.

**

Yuugao sits beside Yamato, overlooking the battlefield. _It looks like god fell asleep at the wheel and drove into a ditch_. It’s the kind of thing Hayate would have said. She wraps her arms around her knees and sighs. Yamato looks at her sideways, blinking slowly in his amphibian way.

“I did something nasty last night,” she says. Yamato frowns.

“With all these people close by?” he asks. Yuugao snorts.

“No, not the fun kind.” She says. “I saw Hayate and said a spiteful thing to Raidou after.”

“Ah.” Yamato replies, picking up his juice box. He sucks on the straw, waiting for her to tell him what happened.

“I told him that him losing his brother isn’t the same as me losing Hayate,” she closes her eyes because she doesn’t want to see the disappointment on Yamato’s face. “I told him that losing Hayate is worse.” Yamato blinks at her. Her eyes closed and her face is scrunched up.

“Ouch.”

“Is it bad?” she asks. Yamato sighs.

“It’s pretty bad.” He pauses. “What did he say?”

“He just rolled over and went to sleep.” She opens her eyes, alarmed to discover that she is more crushed by the expression on Yamato’s face than the noise Raidou made when she told him that the losses of Hayate and his brother were not remotely on the same plane.

“You two fight a lot.” Yamato says in a neutral voice. Yuugao presses her lips together.

“What does that mean?” she asks.

“It seems like the two of you don’t really get along.” Yamato says, “I’ve never known you to be cruel, Yuugao.” She frowns.

“I don’t know if I would use the word cruel…” she scratches her neck, avoiding his gaze.

“No one deserves for their losses to be belittled like that,” Yamato says. Yuugao looks away, ashamed.

“I know,” she says softly. “He doesn’t even stand up for himself. Not really.” It’s not that he has never said anything hurtful, so much as Raidou has never intentionally said anything cruel. He doesn’t pick fights, not like she does.

Yamato puts his juice box down on the ground. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Raidou doesn’t like himself. He side-eyes Raidou’s relationship with Kurenai, and he thinks that he hasn’t been the best partner to Yuugao, but Yamato would be a bad friend if he weren’t honest with her about what she said. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes, it sounds like you say things to him that capitalize on the fact that he doesn’t like himself very much.” It’s not intentional, but someone has to point it the pattern out. “Why are you in a relationship with him if you say things like that?” Yamato asks. Yuugao chews the inside of her cheek and presses her body together.

She doesn’t have an answer for that one. _Why am I with him if this is how I talk to him when I’m upset?_ There are only so many sorries in the universe, and he won’t forgive her forever. A year ago, she would have been horrified to have even thought that she could compare his brother to Hayate, but last night, she had said it so thoughtlessly. It wasn’t even a calculated move, like saying she and Asuma disrupted the will of fate.

It is the pure thoughtlessness of her words, and the accompanying ambivalence that truly scares her. _What does that say about our relationship?_ Maybe Kakashi’s use of ‘when’ and not ‘if’ was just the truth. It makes Yuugao want to puke.

Yamato puts a hand on her knee, rubbing his thumb over the bump of her kneecap. “You’ve had a hard year, and he’s not perfect, but that doesn’t mean you can hurt him.” _It makes you no better than Kurenai_. Yuugao has told Yamato, on multiple occasions, all the things that Kurenai did to Raidou, and how long it took him to recover. _He doesn’t even seem to realize that she hurt him—it’s like he thinks it’s normal._ Yamato refuses to let Yuugao act like Kurenai, if only so that Yuugao can look at herself in the mirror and knows that she kept her integrity intact.

Yuugao looks at him, nodding. “You’re right,” she says softly. Yamato sighs.

“I know.”

“Want to know something else?” she asks. It’s a little thing that has slipped her mind, but all this talk of Raidou’s feelings brings it to the forefront.

“What?” he asks.

“I haven’t told my mom that I’m infertile.” Yuugao says. She’s been meaning to, really. But she knows her mom will be like Raidou, except more aggressive. Yuugao can’t look at another adoption pamphlet. It’s bad enough knowing that Raidou hasn’t thrown his out, since she sees them whenever she steals his socks.

“I know,” he says softly. Yuugao sniffles.

“I just don’t want to hurt anymore,” she says softly. Hayate, her kids. Both gone.

“I can’t tell you when it will go away, but it will only linger for longer if you hurt Raidou. He loves you.” Of this, Yamato is sure.

Yuugao bites her lip and looks away, because unlike Yamato, she isn’t so sure.

**

Raidou doesn’t feel better after his shower. He doesn’t think he will ever feel clean. He sits on the guest bed, naked and wet, staring at the door. His pack is on the bed, but all his clothes are smelly, and he doesn’t have the energy to put clothes on. Raidou doesn’t think he ought to be alive. Maybe he is already dead. Raidou puts his elbows to his knees and rubs his face.

His brother had died like an animal. Raidou was out on a hit, and his brother was on a small courier mission. He came back to his brother on life support, his leg black. He had been injured and unable to get back to the village. When the medics got there, his brother’s leg was infected. Gangrene. They couldn’t do anything until they got back to the village. By the time they were back, he had gone into septic shock. The life support was for Raidou. His brother, for all intents and purposes, was dead.

Raidou had told his brother that he could go now, that his baby brother would be okay. His brother’s soul left his body, and Raidou fell to the floor, Kurenai around him, protecting him. If the last few years have taught him anything, Raidou is not okay. The furthest thing from it, actually.

He read a play where a woman defies the orders of her city, and carries out the funeral rites on her dead brother, who had died a traitor. When asked why, she said she did it because while she could take a new husband or make a new baby, she could not make a new brother.

Raidou is angry at Yuugao. She dismissed his brother as if his death were inconsequential, which was hardly the case. She got to fall in love with someone new. He isn’t the love of her life, but they have spent four years together, and there have been moments where she has made Raidou feel so loved that it is almost like he has never been loved before.

Raidou will never have another brother. He will always be in the ground, from here to eternity. Raidou lies back and sighs. He hears a knock on the door and grunts, which Kurenai knows to mean that she can come in.

Kurenai opens the door and blinks when she realizes that he is naked. She has seen it all before, and he wouldn’t have made a sound if he had minded, but she isn’t immune to him. Her stomach twitches. She walks into the room and sits down beside Raidou.

“Mirai is asleep,” she murmurs, “we can talk about it.”

“There is nothing to say,” he sighs. Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“If there was nothing to say, you wouldn’t be lying down, waiting for me to come talk to you.” Kurenai turns to look at him.

“You don’t know that,” he sits up. “I can change.”

“You are always who you are,” she replies. Raidou sighs.

“They all came back,” he says quietly. “Every dead shinobi, reanimated. Hayate, Asuma, my brother. Everyone.” Kurenai nods. She suspected something like this had happened. It hurts, to know Asuma was weaponized this way, but at least she didn’t have to see it.

“What happened to them?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“I didn’t see Asuma or Hayate. Asuma’s students dealt with him and Yuugao saw to Hayate.” Raidou will never be able to talk about the fight. Those details are for him alone.

Kurenai is surprised by her own stoicism. She wonders if it is because she is a mother, or if it is because she can see that she needs to be strong. Probably, a bit of both.

“Yuugao and I got in a fight,” he says. “She told me that losing my brother isn’t as bad as losing Hayate.” Kurenai frowns.

“She really said that?” she asks. He shrugs.

“People in their twenties are dramatic.” Kurenai smiles.

“They are,” she says quietly. “It’s still not right, what she said to you. It’s cruel.” Raidou nods. He bites his lip, because what he will say next might kill him.

“I will never have another brother.” He whispers. “No one can replace him.” The tears form at the corners of his eyes. No one is replaceable, but a sibling can’t be remade, or rediscovered in someone else. Kurenai puts her hand on his shoulder, running it across to his neck, up his neck to his cheek.

He turns to lean into her palm, and he looks right into her eyes, his own rimmed in red. She rubs her thumb over his scar, and he sighs. She feels her own eyes prickle, because he is right. His brother is irreplaceable.

“I could have sent Asuma back,” she says quietly. “I don’t know if I could do the same to your brother.” Raidou’s lips scrunch, and his cheeks puff up. When he closes his eyes and sobs, Kurenai leaning forward to catch him. She crawls onto his lap, straddling him, tucking his face into the crook of her neck while he squeezes her tight against him.

It is a warped lover’s embrace, and it simply goes to show how deeply the same all love is, when it isn’t differentiated. It is all guided by the compulsion to touch another human being. Kurenai blinks away her own tears as she kisses the side of his head, holding him the way she did years ago, when she was the one sobbing.

Raidou hasn’t cried in over a decade, not in front of her. Over ten years without tears. It rhymes. Maybe she could make up a lullaby for Mirai. _There was once a man/ who went over ten years without tears/ and when he cried/ he gave me this lullaby/ to help you face your fears_. It’s not perfect, but neither is Raidou, and any piece of him is precious.

The pain has built up and festered. Raidou clutches onto Kurenai, ruminating over all his failures.

“It’s my fault,” he says, “I should have gone looking for him, I should have known.”

“You were on a mission, Raidou,” she replies, “there was nothing you could have done differently.” He sobs harder in response, and she tightens her hold.

“I’m sorry that I was too late,” Raidou sobs, “I’m sorry I couldn’t save Asuma too.” He lives with so much guilt that it can be hard to keep his crimes straight. Kurenai looks up to the ceiling and breathes in for both of them.

“I’m sorry for blaming you,” she says, “I said it because I was mad and in pain and wanted to hurt something. It isn’t your fault. He is dead because of the enemy. You and Shikamaru and Ino have to stop blaming yourselves.” She doesn’t miss how Raidou can’t look at the picture of Asuma in the living room. Raidou sobs harder, and Kurenai starts crying too, because this is the first time that they have cried together over Asuma. “He was your teammate too.”

“But,” Raidou gasps, “you loved him, so much, and I failed both of you and Mirai. Every day, I wake up feeling like I’ve _failed_ everyone I love.” Kurenai kisses the side of his head.

“You have never failed me, or Asuma, or Mirai.” Kurenai pulls back, putting both her hands on his face. There is snot and tears everywhere, and she resists her maternal urge to lick them all away. “You worked with the information you had at the time.”

Raidou blinks at her, breathing and calming down. “I’ve been meaning to get a drink with Himself. It’s him and I.” He still sounds shake-y, but his breathing as slowed down. Raidou and Asuma were teammates, but their brothers had been best friends. They know each other’s pain.

“I think they would like that. They never wanted either of you to be alone.” Kurenai replies. Raidou nods, and Kurenai gets up and walks to the bathroom for toilet paper so Raidou can wipe his own face.

Raidou is still naked when she returns from the bathroom. His cheeks are puffy. She hands him a wad of toilet paper, and they make eye contact when their fingers brush. “Can you stay with me, tonight?” he asks quietly. Kurenai nods. The first time they did this was when she was seven and he was eleven. Her parents had yelled at her, and she had snuck into his house and slept in his bed. She was gone when he woke up.

Since then, it was something they had done for the other when it was needed. Kurenai bites her lip and nods.

“Can I move Mirai in here?” she asks. She is still too small to go asleep without Kurenai around.

“We can just sleep in your room.” He rubs his face, “I don’t care. I just want to be close to you.” Kurenai nods, and she leaves, him following her close behind. He smiles over Mirai and then climbs into bed with his back to Kurenai while she changes. She simply pulls off all of her clothes and leaves them on the ground, before pulling on a shirt she stole from Raidou ten years ago.

When she crawls into bed beside him, he smirks at her shirt. “I wondered where that ended up,” he says. Kurenai shrugs in response. They lie there for five minutes, before Kurenai opens her legs and motions for him to roll onto her, like a blanket. It’s how they fell sleep, more often than not. Raidou gets up and rolls onto her, and Kurenai puts her arms around his shoulders. She breathes in his man smell, the distinct mixture of his sweat and shampoo and soap.

“You smell the same,” she whispers. Raidou smiles into her stomach.

“I’m steady,” he mouths. If he hadn’t said it like this before, then she wouldn’t have known what he said.

But this isn’t their first time like this, and it won’t be their last. The last thing Kurenai thinks, as they drift off into sleep and Raidou rolls off of her, is that they are a real family.

**

Yuugao convinced Yamato to share her tent with her. She doesn’t want to be alone, and he doesn’t want to spend another night listening to Kakashi’s snoring. He lies on his side in sleeping bag, his back to Yuugao. It’s dark, but he can tell that she is wide awake. He can feel it, like it’s an itch. He doesn’t know how they came to share one nervous system. It just happened.

“You’re not asleep.” He says, rolling onto his back.

“I’m thinking about Hayate.” She misses him, but also, the certainty and security she found in that relationship. She never second guessed him, ever. She can’t say the same of Raidou.

“You’re always going to miss him.” Yamato says. Yuugao’s mouth twists.

“I miss how things were.” They both know she isn’t talking about Hayate.

“You’re not happy, Yuugao. You haven’t been for some time.” Since before they become best friends. Yuugao turns to look at his face, into his big, frog eyes.

“Will I ever be happy again?” she asks quietly. Yamato sighs.

“You will be happy, but not the way you want.” He smiles. “We could get a motorcycle with a sidecar and go on a road trip.” She laughs in the back of her throat. “You can drive and I’ll read the map.”

“Okay,” she says quietly, “I’ll hold you to it.” Yamato falls asleep shortly after, but Yuugao can’t get comfortable. _How can I be happy if I don’t get what I want?_

She forgets that there was a time when Raidou showed her that it was possible to be happy after Hayate. She isn’t ready to consider that she could have to do the same again.

**

Raidou barely sat down at the table before Kurenai placed Mirai in his arms. He yawns, smiling at Mirai. She blinks at him, and it makes something tug in his heart. He is wearing his pants and the grey sweater he gave Kurenai years ago. She places a cup of coffee in front of him, before returning to the stove.

“I’m making pancakes.” She says. Raidou yawns again, before smiling at her dopily. Instead of pouring batter onto the skillet, she watches him smile at Mirai. He talks to her softly, stroking her cheek with a thumb. _You love my baby so much_. It makes her melt. She puts a hand in her pocket and fiddles with his rings. She turns the burner off and walks over to the table. Raidou looks up at her, head tilted. He sort of forgot that she was there. He has seen so much death, that being close to new life is utterly entrancing.

“No pancakes?” he asks. Kurenai holds the rings in her open palm. “Huh, you didn’t lose them.”

“I would never lose anything that’s been on you.” Kurenai says, holding her hand out. Raidou looks at her hand, blinking.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I want to put your rings back on your hand.” _I want to take care of you, and I don’t know how_. Raidou shifts Mirai around in his arms and gives her his right hand.

“My brother’s rings have his initials in the band. I wear them on this hand.” He says. Kurenai looks at the rings, looking for the right one. “You baby me, you know that, right?”

“That’s because you are a big baby,” she says, sliding a silver ring onto his pinky. She can’t forget the sad look on his face when he told her that his brother came back.

It bothers her, what Yuugao said to him about his brother, but even more than that, it bothers her how he simply internalized it. Raidou has a tendency to let life happen to him. She knows that, in the past, she has benefitted from this tendency of his. She puts the second ring on his ring finger, thinking.

“Do you even like yourself, Raidou?” she asks as he maneuvers his arms so as not to jostle Mirai. He frowns.

“Excuse me?”

“Are you team Raidou?” she asks, stroking the top of his hand with her thumb.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“You don’t take your own side,” she says, “it’s something I’ve noticed.” Raidou shrugs in response.

She slides a ring onto his left pinky, and it all clicks. For every time she has made him feel loved, she has done so on the contingency that her love and care make him good, ergo, when in its absence, he isn’t good. It’s like she has warped him, worn at his psyche over time in ways that were catastrophic and completely unintentional. She takes the last ring and slides it onto his left ring finger. She loves him, a lot, and it is upsetting to realize that, instead of building him up, she often unintentionally exploited the fact that he doesn’t like himself.

She holds his left hand in both of hers. Raidou blinks at her, as he realizes that she is about to say something gooey. He can tell by the wrinkles in her forehead and the size of her eyes. “You know you are a good person who deserves good things, right? That you should be on your own team?”

“I didn’t know we were all on teams,” he says, looking at Mirai when she yawns.

“Well, I want to be on your team.” She squeezes his hand. Raidou sighs.

“I don’t even know what you are talking about.” He says.

“Team is just another way of saying side.” Kurenai hums, “I want to be on your side.”

“I’ve only just discovered that I have a side,” he replies. _That’s the problem_. Kurenai presses her lips together. She lets go of his hand and watches him adjust his hold of Mirai. “You don’t like yourself very much.” She says.

“It’s because I’m self-aware.” He replies. Her forehead wrinkles.

“No, it’s because you’re comfortable with self-loathing,” she says. “I think I’ve taken advantage of that in the past, and I’ve really hurt you.”

“Kurenai, it’s not a big deal.” Raidou says, “I’m not that great. It’s fine.” She puffs her cheeks, and she turns pink.

“That’s not true!” She says, “I want you to believe in yourself and choose yourself! I don’t want to watch you let people hurt you, or for you to think you deserve to be in a relationship where—”

“A relationship where what?” he asks, his voice low. She can tell that he isn’t ready to hear about what his relationship with Yuugao is doing to him.

“I want you to be happy.” She pulls the punch, surprising him. But she is just happy that he came home in one whole, live piece. It’s not her place to tell him how to live his life. Part of the problem is her tendency to make demands on him. So, she is going to change, starting now. Kurenai stands up and walks over to the stove. She turns a burner on, and they don’t say anything to each other.

**

Raidou is loading the dryer when Yuugao comes home. She hasn’t showered, and she looks exhausted. He can tell that she just wants to get cleaned up and go to bed. It’s all over her face.

“I can run the sheets through the dryer, if you want them warmed up,” he says. Raidou pointedly avoids talking about the last night they spent together. Yuugao blinks at him, setting her pack down.

“That’s okay,” she says. “I just want to fall asleep.” She yawns, big, stretching her arms and pushing her chest out. He sees a sliver of her tummy, and smiles. He’s upset, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“We’re both in one piece.” He says, turning back to the dryer. She stares at his back, and resists the urge to ask, _but are we_? Yuugao isn’t stupid. She knows that she hurt his feelings when she made the remark that she did about his brother. Raidou is going to want an apology, if not now, soon. The problem is that Yuugao can’t find it in herself to be sorry. Pushing for adoption and making concessions for Kurenai have both destroyed her ability to empathize with him the way that she ought to. _Hayate would never_.

Raidou loves Yuugao in a big way, but he when he looks at her now, he has a hard time feeling much. He is going to have to deal with it eventually, but for tonight, he wants to pretend that everything is alright. Raidou drums his fingers on top of the dryer, and Yuugao tilts her head. He doesn’t usually do that unless he is keyed up for something.

“Is something wrong?” she asks. Raidou pauses before answer.

“Nothing is wrong,” he says. “I’m just thinking.” They are speaking, but it is of nothing of substance.

“I’m going to shower now,” she says. Raidou shrugs, turning away from her.

“I left my clonazepam on the dresser,” he says. “Feel free to take one.” He will. Raidou doesn’t think he could sleep next to her without one, tonight. Yuugao nods, saying nothing, because everything is wrong, but she doesn’t want to say it.

**

When Genma came back, Kurenai put Mirai down in her crib and leapt on him. He stumbled back, nearly falling over, as she tucked her face into his neck and cried. Genma holds her, surprised by her reaction. In their decades of friendship, she has never cried because of him.

“Uh,” he says, patting her back.

“I’m just happy you’re alright.” She pulls back, wiping her face. Her fingers follow her waterline, swooping up to preserve her eye makeup. Genma knows because she told him this once, after she had cried while they were watching a sad movie.

“Well,” he sighs, “I didn’t have a choice. Someone has to be a role model for Mirai.” He smiles, tired, and Kurenai hugs him again. This time, Genma returns her embrace. He’s not just happy to be alive. He will never admit it, but he is happy to see Kurenai and Mirai again.

“Raidou came by yesterday,” she says, “he said we won.”

“We did.” Genma and Aoba drunk a beer that night, overlooking the battlefield. Kurenai watches him take off his shoes, biting her lip. He looks up and sees her, and he sighs.

“What?” he asks.

“Raidou seems…off.” She doesn’t know if he told Genma what Yuugao said to him. In all honesty, she isn’t mentioning anything new. They both know Raidou isn’t doing well.

“I don’t think he and Yuugao realize how bad things are between them,” his reply is diplomatic. He doesn’t want to be the one to call it, but it looks like it is as good as over. What else can you do, when you and your partner want different things? “Looks like your bet was right; long-term commitment that goes nowhere.”

“You bet on flames, right?” she asks. Genma nods.

“I was being facetious,” he replies, “I didn’t want it to happen.” He picks up his pack and walks into the house. Kurenai follows him, her arms crossed.

“We need to help him.” She declares when he sets his pack on the kitchen floor and goes to wash his hands.

“We?” Genma asks.

“Yes,” she replies, “we.”

“No offense, but I’m pretty sure spending all those nights with you and cooing over your baby has ‘helped’ enough.” Genma squirts some dish soap onto his hand, because it smells better than the hand soap she buys.

“What does that mean?” she asks. Genma swivels his head and looks at her like she’s an idiot. His eyes narrow and his jaw ticks.

“Kurenai,” he says, “you must know this already.”

“No, I don’t,” she says.

“You are very good at being selectively clueless.” He drawls, “you elevate it to an _art_.” Kurenai narrows her eyes and crosses her arms tighter, holding herself.

“You’ve been busy being a pregnant, grieving widow, but Yuugao not only found out she is infertile, she watched her partner comfort his _pregnant_ ex-girlfriend.” He pauses. “You know how much that must have hurt, right?” Genma is, more or less, used to having to explain these kinds of things to Kurenai, but he thought this one was pretty obvious.

Kurenai has the decency to look ashamed. She knew, of course. She just didn’t really care about Yuugao’s feelings. _Grief turns us all into monsters_. But she can’t shake the feeling that, somewhere up in the great beyond, Asuma is disappointed in her. He always liked Yuugao.

“I missed Raidou.” She says. “This whole time. I missed him and wanted him for myself.”

“No shit,” he replies, rinsing his hands. “Look, all we can do it just sit here and wait for him to figure it all out for himself.”

“He’s not going to be okay,” she says, ashamed of the part she played in all of this. “Where is he going to go?” Genma blinks, incredulous.

“Do you know why you have to lead horses out of a burning barn, instead of just opening their stall doors and shooing them out?” he asks. Kurenai tilts her head, blinking.

“No.”

“Because they’ll stay put, and once they’re outside, you have to tie them to a nearby fence post, so they don’t run back into the burning building.” He dries his hands on his pants.

“What does that have to do with anything?” she asks.

“Where is Raidou’s burning building?” he replies, leaving the kitchen and going upstairs to shower. Her jaw sits tight on her face as his words sink in.

**

They’ve been talking, but not really. Raidou hasn’t asked for an apology, which is good, because Yuugao doesn’t really feel sorry. She wonders if he senses this, or if he just doesn’t want to deal with it. She used to be able to tell whether or not he was being selectively clueless, but now, she can’t tell.

He said nothing when she started wearing Hayate’s old shirts to bed. She wondered if maybe he didn’t know, until she wore a shirt Hayate got at a concert and Raidou remarked that he forgot that Hayate liked that particular band. She moves further away from him, and he does nothing to bring her closer. It makes her feel very sad. _I want you want me back_. _Come up behind and take me, make me listen to good sense._ She knows what Raidou’s response would be: _I shouldn’t have to make you want to be with me_. Yuugao gets up from the couch and walks to the bedroom, where Raidou has holed himself up.

Raidou lies on the bed, reading one of her romance novels, frowning. Yuugao watches him from the door, her arms crossed.

“You’re staring,” he says, not looking at her.

“It’s because I like a man who reads,” she says. Raidou snorts. _I don’t think you like me very much_. He marks his place and sets the book on his bedside table.

“I’m not much of one,” he says. Yuugao frowns, walking over to him. He watches her hips sway, and despite himself, he feels the familiar whirring in his stomach. She’s wearing one of her short skirts today, and an old shirt. He smiles when he realizes that it is one of his.

“You’ve been far away,” she hums, sitting next to him on the edge of the bed.

“I’ve been right here,” he replies.

“That’s not what I meant,” she says softly. She leans over him, and he runs his hands through her hair. It’s soft and shiny, as always.

“I know,” he says quietly. He doesn’t have the energy to lie. “I miss you.” Something softens in Yuugao’s eyes, and she nudges him over.

“How much do you miss me?” she asks, lying down beside him. He puts an arm around her, looking up at the ceiling.

How much does he miss Yuugao? He misses her in the typical, animal way. Being inside of her, touching her, kissing her. Raidou misses the way they could talk about anything. How she would talk at him with her mouth full, because there were so many things she needed to say and not enough time. Talking, all kinds, really. The late-night kind, under the covers, speaking into each other’s mouths. Whispering in line at the grocery store. Sitting across from her at the table or standing in the kitchen, complaining about work. Being able to look at her and know what she is thinking.

“I miss you so much, I watched that dumb show about women with no inner lives and obscenely rich husbands.” Raidou kisses her forehead without brushing her bangs away.

“Hm, that’s not good enough.” She sighs. He frowns.

“Good enough for what?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“Good enough to get into my pants.” She says, kissing his chin.

“You’re not wearing pants.” He states the obvious, resisting the urge to just kiss her.

“How much did you miss me?” she asks again.

“I read five of your porn-y books, in one day.” He says, “you interrupted me while I was reading number six.”

“Which part?” Yuugao gums his ear because she knows he thinks it’s dumb. Raidou hums, thinking about it.

“It was in one of the dumb, annoying parts where, instead of having sex, they insist on having a ‘plot,” he says, “don’t know why.” Yuugao continues to make out with his jaw, and he lies there, just enjoying the attention.

“Keep going,” she sighs, licking his jaw. _Don’t stop until things feel normal_. Raidou sighs.

“I miss you so much,” he says, “there just aren’t any words. It’s like my soul aches.”

“Your soul, huh?” she asks.

“The fabric of my being.” He finally kisses her back, rolling onto his side. She smiles into his mouth, and for a second, it feels like this horrible year was just a nightmare, and they’ve both woken up.

“You’re such a sap,” she puts her hand up his shirt and his tummy twitches.

“You make me feel things,” kissing her jaw, Raidou gives himself over to the illusion that nothing is wrong, that she hasn’t said what she’s said, that he can still be inside her and not think about all the things they’ve done to each other.

Yuugao undoes the buttons of his shirt, as his hands run up her back, his thumb under the band of her bra. She presses her tummy to his as she rubs his shoulders. “Over,” she pants, and Raidou rolls onto his back, and she follows him. Her hands are on his chest, and she sighs into his mouth as he pushes her short skirt up her hips.

She sits up, and they make eye contact as she pulls her shirt off, over her head. Her bra is black lace, with birds embroidered into the mesh. It’s one of her more expensive ones. He can see her nipples through it, and it makes him hard. Yuugao brushes off the hair that is stuck to her lip, and he swallows when it sinks in how pretty she is. He feels like he has never noticed it before.

“What?” she says softly.

“You’re just really pretty.”

“How pretty?” she asks.

“Trap you with a baby pretty.” He says, not thinking. Yuugao lets it slide because there is nothing more she would like to do then pretend that none of this is happening.

“I’m pretty hot,” she replies, kissing him. Raidou put his hands on her waist, not disagreeing.

The sex they are about to have is predicated on the denial of the inevitable. They both know, on some level, that things aren’t going to work, but they both desperately want to deny it, so they both push it to the edge of consciousness. _Nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong_. Yuugao kisses Raidou deep, and he sighs when she unzips his pants.

“I’m torn between wanting you now and wanting to see you naked.” He says. Yuugao smiles.

“I’ll let you see my naked later,” she kisses his neck and he sighs.

“You look pretty good naked, though.” He looks up at the ceiling and thinks about how good it feels to have her affection. Her hand pumps his dick as she kisses down his breastbone, his stomach. He feels his heart thump in his chest and gets on his elbows to watch her.

She looks into his eyes when she puts her mouth around him, and he bites his lower lip. It feels good, the way it always does, and even better, it really lends itself to the illusion that nothing is wrong. _She wouldn’t do this if she didn’t like me_. She bobs her head and he jerks his hips every so often. They’ve done it every way imaginable, but sometimes it’s the simple things that feel best.

She’s up there with Kurenai, maybe even better. It’s too close to call, really, because the technique is different, but the end is the same. Raidou tries not to think about the fact that he could tell the difference between them with his eyes shut and the head of his dick touching the back of their throats.

She hums, and it makes him groan. “Fuck,” he grunts, and she looks up and winks at him. Wrapping some of her hair around his hand, he rests his fist on the back of her head, the way she likes. It’s something he found out from one of her dirty books, when they first started dating. He held onto it in his head for the first time he let her go down on him. _How did you know?_ She panted after. _I read it in one of your books_. Yuugao had climbed on top of him and showed him another thing she learned from her books.

He feels the back of her throat and hisses. She can’t hold it for long, but whenever she does it, Raidou sees stars. It’s softer than any other place inside of her, and it feels extra intimate to be inside her throat. Raidou holds his hips still, massaging the back of her head with his knuckles. He sees no reason to intervene when she is hitting every spot he likes. This feels that _good_.

Nonetheless, he doesn’t want it to end here. His tummy feels tight, and he feels the tell-tale feeling in the backs of his knees. “Yuugao,” he groans, “stop.” She raises her head, but she doesn’t take her mouth off of his dick. She blinks, innocently, and it takes everything in Raidou to keep his focus.

“I want to be inside of you,” he says. She opens her mouth with an obnoxious pop!

“You already were,” she simpers.

“Don’t be coy,” he sits up, not bothering to push his shirt off of his shoulders. It hangs open, and she eyes all the scars on his stomach and chest.

“Why not?” she asks. Raidou grabs her and rolls on top of her, making her squeak. He puts his face right into hers, and she squeezes her thighs together because of the look in his eyes alone. Raidou kisses her neck, and she can tell that he is going to fuck her all the way to a new spiritual plane. She has to hand it to him; Hayate never did this, and Kakashi probably can’t. Raidou pushes past her underwear with a hand, and he grins to feel how relaxed and wet she is.

“You like my dick that much?” he asks. Yuugao smiles dreamily.

“I _love_ it that much.” She says in her coy voice, wrapping her legs around his waist.

It’s like they’ve punched through to the other side and being close isn’t hard anymore. Raidou touches her a little bit, but his fingers aren’t enough. Yuugao kisses his chin before telling him what to do next. “Just go for it.” Her nipples press against the fabric of her bra, and she wraps her arms around his waist, smiling up at him. Raidou kisses her deep, and she arches her back to meet him. She gasps on impact and asks for more. It’s all slick between them, and impossibly soft. She moves with him, opening herself further. She moans loudly, and Raidou feels like he has won.

He rests his forehead on hers, looking into her eyes. Her hands are on his side, and she breath is hot on his lips. She kisses him again, and he doesn’t pull out, instead, going deeper, curving around her. Yuugao holds him tighter, enjoying how close he is. She is never going to find anyone who gives it better than him.

When he starts moving again, he does so at a slow pace that rubs that hard to reach back wall. _Yes_. Raidou can tell that it is just a matter of time now. He looks into the backs of her eyes, his mouth hovering over hers.

“I’m not Hayate,” he says quietly. Yuugao holds him tighter.

“I don’t want you to be,” she says softly. “I want you.” He’s not better, but he’s the person she’s chosen. That kind of commitment still means something to her. It also helps that his dick is inside her and she is staring into his eyes.

It takes another minute for him to drive them home. She screams and Raidou swears into her shoulder. They lie there for a second, and think about how nice it is to remember why they are in love, feeling like there is nothing wrong.

**

Shin lets out a long sigh. He is usually very good at projecting a professional neutrality, but Raidou can be infuriating to work with sometimes. He’s not stupid, far from it. Raidou is the kind of person who could be bleeding out and insist that he is okay. It’s really not a surprise that his relationships are the way they are.

Raidou, at the very least, looks uncomfortable. Like a kid who knows he fucked up and is scared to find out by how much.

“So, you slept next to Kurenai, naked.” Shin says. Raidou nods.

“Okay. Why?” he asks. Raidou bites his lip.

“Because Yuugao told me that losing my brother wasn’t as bad as her last boyfriend being murdered.” It’s one of the few instances where he completely understands why he ran back to Kurenai. Shin makes a noise in his throat.

“She said that?” he asks. Raidou nods.

“I didn’t even do anything to deserve it. I just mentioned that I saw my brother, reanimated in the war.” He’s been back for a few weeks, and he still hasn’t spoken to Yuugao about it. He doesn’t want to confront her, because that means they will have to look at their relationship, and sex aside, it’s not going well.

“So, she said something very hurtful, and you went back to Kurenai for affirmation and comfort.” Raidou nods. Shin sits back, tilting his head. “What do you think you should do?”

“Isn’t that why I’m here?” Raidou asks. Shin shakes his head.

“It’s your life, not mine.” Shin says, “you have to make decisions for yourself.” Raidou shifts in his seat, looking at the floor.

“I want an apology.” He says. “I’m not…perfect, but I really didn’t deserve to be told that.” His brother is where he draws the line. Shin nods.

“I don’t disagree with you.” He says, “you two can’t keep lashing out at each other, and then excusing it because you two are already in pain. If something doesn’t change, you two are going to break up.”

“Is it fair to put that on Yuugao?” Raidou asks. “I mean, it seems like a really big thing to put on her apology.” Shin’s mouth twitches.

“You don’t think she is going to apologize, do you?” he asks. Raidou _knows_ that she isn’t going to apologize. He wouldn’t have been in such denial, otherwise.

“No,” he says quietly. “I really don’t think she is going to apologize.” Raidou also doesn’t think that he is going to have the patience to de-escalate. Shin nods.

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask.” He says, “people can surprise you.” Raidou frowns. In his experience, people are always exactly who they are.

**

Raidou likes to think that he is a patient, self-aware person. A non-malicious entity in the world. An average fuckface who is trying to do the right thing. Yuugao is the person he wants to be with, but he doesn’t know how to handle the very real possibility that they can’t work out their differences.

Raidou and Yuugao sit across from each other at their dining room table. She is pushing the rice around her plate. Raidou puts a bit of salmon in his mouth, watching her. She knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t think that she knows how badly she hurt him. What she said to him blew the Kakashi thing out of the water.

He swallows. He can’t hold it in anymore. “Yuugao, can we talk about what you said about my brother?” Yuugao shrugs, not looking up from her dinner. He takes it as passive consent. “I’m upset because you told me that my brother doesn’t matter to me as much as Hayate matters to you.” He says it quietly, taking responsibility for his feelings. Yuugao looks up at him, frowning.

“You still talk to Kurenai after she said that you are happy Asuma is dead.” As far as Yuugao is concerned, she didn’t say anything worse than that. She is willing to concede that she probably should have higher standards. She has spent the past few weeks wondering what her life would have been like, if Hayate had lived. Maybe she could have had children. Maybe it is Raidou’s fault, for taking his place. It’s not fair, but sometimes, she thinks it.

“She apologized,” Raidou says. “You have to stop comparing yourself to Kurenai. The two of you are different people.” He sighs, “look, you have both said enormously hurtful things, but that thing about my brother was out of line. I need you to apologize to me.” He doesn’t say this, but he could also see the logic of Kurenai’s statement. She was wrong, but he could understand why she lashed out at him. But Yuugao had no reason to say what she said to him. He is flawed, and he hasn’t always been a good partner to her, but he didn’t do anything to deserve that.

“It sounds like you’re the one comparing,” she says in a quiet voice. His jaw ticks.

“Well, it might be because they two of you did the same fucking thing by bringing another guy into our relationship instead of using your words to tell me what’s wrong.” It feels good to be petty. Yuugao sighs.

“Are you always going to bring that up?”

“You brought up Kurenai first,” he replies. Yuugao frowns.

“You should have known what was wrong,” Yuugao says quietly. Raidou looks down at the table. Things were self-evident from hindsight. But it’s not fair for her to put it all on him.

“I can’t read your mind, Yuugao,” he says, “and I’ve been trying to be better.”

“You should have prioritized me over Kurenai,” she says, “you should have been engaged in our relationship all along.” Raidou, hurt from the comment of his brother, goes on the offensive.

“Well, you know what,” he says, getting up from the table. “go get with Kakashi and let me know if it fixes anything.” He takes his plate and walks over to the kitchen, scraping his leftovers into the trash.

“That’s not fair!” Yuugao calls from the table. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Oh, isn’t it?” he asks. “You and Kurenai have a problem with me, you go get another guy…” He waves his harms in a dreamy manner, like he is talking about something that isn’t really happening to him. Something purely theoretical.

“I don’t have Kakashi,” Yuugao retorts. It is the wrong move.

“Well, he sure as fuck wants you.” Raidou hasn’t really spoken to Kakashi since, and while they have seen each other, he can tell that Kakashi is avoiding him. He wouldn’t do that if it was a lapse in judgment. Yuugao stands up, leaving her food on the table, following Raidou into the kitchen.

“I choose you!” She says, “I sat down and said that to him. I want you.” There is something inherently more romantic to choose someone rather than telling them that they are your fate. Agency is more attractive than passivity. But, Raidou can’t help but feel like she is bringing this up at a very _convenient_ time.

“That doesn’t mean you can say mean things to me.” Raidou says. “What do you want? For me to be grateful? You can’t play two people off of each other and expect them to be okay.”

“I didn’t play you two off of each other.” Yuugao says, crossing her arms. While she can admit that her feelings for Kakashi were largely about her relationship problems with Raidou, she wouldn’t say that she played them off of each other. She never set them up to have direct conflict. If she were smarter, she would never have been caught in the first place.

But Raidou has lived through this before. Any time you try to have both, you are already playing two people off of each other. Asuma always had a lot of integrity, so he never challenged or confronted Raidou over Kurenai, but he certainly treated Asuma differently. It hurts to both live through this again and for Yuugao to deny it. Just as when it hurt for her to say that his older brother’s death didn’t matter like Hayate’s did.

“Let me get this straight. I am an inattentive and emotionally absent partner, so you went and got attention from someone else.” Raidou holds his hands up to his chest. “You go and get attention from my friend, to, presumably, get something that you weren’t getting from me. So, you want me, and that should make up for the fact that you were getting with someone else?”

“That is not what happened!” Yuugao shouts back. Raidou’s eyes bulge.

“Yuugao!” He declares, “I don’t even know why I bother. You aren’t listening to me.”

“I am listening, Raidou. I’m just correcting—”

“Correcting? Are you serious right now?” he walks out of the kitchen and into the living room.

“Raidou, you haven’t been through anything close to what I have.” Yuugao follows him, “in fact, out of everyone, you seem to have come out of this year without losing anything!” The words come out of her mouth faster than she can think about them. Raidou freezes and turns to look at her.

Someone is dead. Someone’s husband is dead. Someone’s father is dead. Someone who desperately wants to be pregnant, is infertile. Raidou feels guilty because he feels like he escaped unscathed. He feels enormous, immeasurable guilt for all of this. The kind of guilt that makes you feel guilty for feeling guilty, because it’s like you are trying to create a pain that is comparable to those losses.

Raidou nods once, twice. “Is that how you really feel about me? That I ought to suffer more?” The unsaid question: _is Kakashi payback?_ Asuma was payback, in a way. At least, that’s what it started as. Yuugao and Kurenai can accuse him of all sorts of things, but they can’t say that he ever intentionally played them against each other. His feelings for Kurenai and Yuugao were independent of how he felt about the other at the time.

“Sometimes, when I sit back and really think about this year.” Yuugao replies, crossing her arms. Raidou nods again.

“And I’m still the guy you want?” he asks. When he puts it like that, Yuugao has difficulty thinking of a response. “You know, maybe you and Kurenai should be best friends, because clearly the two of you think that being with someone else will fix your problems, and that your feelings should come first. I look forward to taking your call three years from now, when Kakashi fucks everything up and maybe dies, so I can put my life on hold and deal with it.” It is the meanest thing he has ever said to her. Yuugao’s jaw drops. Never, has Raidou _ever_ , hinted at having any doubts in terms of the viability of their relationship. She is surprised that he even went there.

“What?” she asks, blinking.

“You heard me,” Raidou says, “if you want Kakashi, if I haven’t suffered enough in this life for you to feel like I get you, go get him. I’m not going to stand between you and fate.”

“You don’t mean that,” she says. It feels like her world is slipping away, through her fingers.

“Except, I do,” Raidou shrugs, walking over to the door. Yuugao follows him, unsure of how to walk it all back.

“No, you don’t.” She says. Raidou doesn’t look at her as he puts his shoes on. He looks at the floor, mulling it all over.

“All I wanted was an apology…” he trails off. “And this is where we ended up.” He looks at her, a sad look in his eyes. “I’m not over it.” The ring on Kurenai’s finger. The lighter Shikamaru plays with. The tampons under the bathroom sink. The swords that can be left on hooks by the door, one of which belonged to Hayate. The chain on his own neck, the two sets of rings on his fingers. Asuma’s death isn’t the only reason they are here, but it reopened the losses which have, more or less, defined their relationship. Ghosts are present in their absence; that’s why they are so frightening and thus, have so much power.

Raidou isn’t actively suicidal, nor does he want to die. He just feels like the sweet oblivion of death would be a relief. All these big feelings, immediately dissipating. Everything, gone.

The worst part about the reanimation jutsu is that he now knows that even the dead aren’t spared from life. Somewhere, his brother and parents and Asuma are watching him, shaking their heads as he fails, continually, to live his life with the kind of integrity they expect of him.

He never had much ambition in life, except to work hard and protect the village, but now he wonders if he should have wanted more for himself. Like, maybe all these bad things happen around him and not to him, because he never puts himself out there. He just passively accepts what happens, more or less, like it has to happen. He is just a cog on the wheel of fate.

Maybe he would be a better person if he weren’t such a fatalist, if he bought into the _whole children are the future_ and _the Will of Fire_ and _true love conquers all_. He knows Kakashi and Asuma believe all of that stuff. Maybe Raidou is an actual loser, and this is why the women he loves keep doing this to him.

His mouth twitches. “You deserve better, Yuugao.”

“What do you mean?” she says softly.

“You deserve to be happy, and you clearly aren’t.” He pauses. “What you said was fucked up, and I still want an apology, but I don’t think you would have said those things if you were actually happy with me. I don’t know how to make you happy anymore.” He knows that he was able to, at one point. But here they are. “I’m going to go stay with Genma.” He doesn’t want face Kurenai, but he will chance it. Genma always knows what to say.

It takes a second for Yuugao to remember that Genma lives with Kurenai. She punches the doorframe.

**

_When he got home, Raidou made sure to be extra loud. He purposefully slammed the front door, threw his shoes at the wall and hollered, “I’m ho-ome!” It’s a system he and his brother had perfected in their two years of living without their parents. He spots the pair of shoes in the front hallway, and grins to himself. He walks into the living room to get to the kitchen, and smirks when he sees his brother pulling his shirt on while the civilian he’s been seeing pulls the zipper of his pants up._

_His brother’s ‘boyfriend’ or, to put it more accurately, the person he has sex with to avoid feeling alone, is an incredibly awkward man. He’s cute, Raidou thinks, but he is always jumpy when Raidou is around. His brother said that he makes him nervous. Apparently, Raidou doesn’t act like he likes him enough for him to be comfortable around him. Before leaving, the civilian kisses his brother’s temple. Like that, he shows himself out._

_When the front door slams, Raidou smirks at his brother, who looks deeply unimpressed. “What?” Raidou asks._

_“You know what.” Is the reply._

_“No, I honestly do not.” Raidou walks to the kitchen, his brother following him. “What were you two doing?” Scowling at the question, his brother opens the fridge._

_“Something nasty.”_

_“Gross,” Raidou says, washing his hands._

_“You have to be gross if you want to experience all the fun things bodies can do.” His brother drawls._

_“Yuck.”_

_“Anal is an art.” He brother says._

_“Ick,” Raidou replies, walking to the pantry._

_“Don’t knock it until you try it.” His brother says, pulling out an apple. “Maybe you’ll meet a special girl one day. A girl so special, you just have to have her in every way you can.” His brother has a filthy sense of humor. Raidou rolls his eyes instead of replying. His brother chews on the apple with his mouth open, something the Moms always got on his case for. “I could give you tips.”_

_“Okay, now I’ve had enough.” Raidou says. The last thing he wants is to discuss the mechanics of anal sex with his brother. His brother opens his mouth to respond, when the back door opens, and Asuma and Himself step inside the kitchen. They took their shoes off outside, like the respectful guests they are._

_They have an open door policy with Himself. Asuma just tags along for the ride, if he has nothing better to do._

_“Thanks for knocking,” Raidou grunts. Himself shrugs._

_“Don’t leave the door unlocked.” He replies. “What were you talking about?”_

_“Anal.” Raidou’s brother says. Himself snorts, while Asuma makes a choking noise. “Asuma, you haven’t met a girl whose made you consider it?” Raidou considers saving Asuma, but he annoys him, more often than not and he has fucked off to a temple for the last few months, so Raidou doesn’t bother._

_“Leave him alone, he just turned eighteen.” Himself says, picking a banana up out of the fruit bowl on the kitchen island._

_“I was telling Raidou that I could give people tips.” Raidou’s brother takes another bite out of the apple. “I’d be doing the women of this village a favor.”_

_“It’s like you insist on keeping your head in the gutter,” Himself says, unpeeling the banana._

_“I’m just trying to help the straights in my life realize their potential.” His brother throws his apple into the garbage bin._

_“You’re supposed to compost that,” Raidou says._

_“Nothing gets past you,” his brother says._

_“You’re the one destroying the planet.” He replies. Asuma takes out a cigarette, while Himself munches on the banana._

_“Well, you’re pretty obvious,” Raidou says, “you don’t hide anything.”_

_“I have nothing to hide,” his brother replies._

_“Not even the fact that you have anal sex in our living room?” Raidou asks. His brother smirks, while Himself snorts. Asuma is careful to keep his expression neutral._

_“You’re not living your life right if you aren’t a little bit of a freak.” His brother replies, “why pretend otherwise?”_

_“You’re a degenerate.” Raidou says._

_“That’s the point,” his brother says, shrugging. Raidou supposes that this is true._

**

Raidou hops the fence and smiles when Genma jumps. “You could warn me,” he pouts.

“What kind of ninja needs a warning?” Raidou asks. He has a six-pack in hand, and Genma eyes it before responding.

“The kind that’s at home, trying to get some peace and quiet.” He replies. Raidou snorts, before tossing him a beer. “So, why are we drinking?”

“Yuugao and I had a fight.” Raidou says, watching Genma sit on the porch. The kitchen light is on; he can see Kurenai there, and Mirai is in a little bouncer. It’s a matter of time before Kurenai gets a mom haircut. It makes his heart pull when he sees her. She looks so content.

Genma looks up at Raidou, watching him look at Kurenai. _A horse will run back into a burning barn because that’s its home_. “You’re very obvious.” Genma says. Raidou frowns at him.

“What do you mean?” he asks. Genma shrugs.

“Nothing.” He doesn’t want to get into it. Kurenai and Raidou are adults. Their lives are on them. Raidou doesn’t respond, sitting down beside Genma. He doesn’t see the look on Kurenai’s face when she sees him, or the way her jaw ticks when he sits down.

“My relationship is fucked.” Raidou declares.

“Irreparably?” Genma asks.

“Looks like it.” Raidou is able to have moments of awareness that punch through the denial.

“Want to talk about it?” Genma asks. Raidou snorts.

“No.” He takes a beer and pulls the tab, watching it foam up. Genma nods.

“You talking to your therapist about it?” he asks. Raidou nods.

“Yep.” He takes a long sip of his beer. He rubs his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “Do you think I’ve had an okay year, comparatively?” Genma gives him a look.

“Compared to who?”

“The obvious suspects.”

“Ah,” Genma says, “well, not being dead, infertile or widowed is a bare life, if you ask me.” Raidou snorts, making Genma smile. “I’m serious, Raidou. You’re not okay.”

Raidou sips his beer. He thinks about his standards for being okay. They aren’t very high. _Breathing, check. Genma’s still my friend, check. Doing okay at work, check. Still in Kurenai’s life, check. Still with Yuugao, check_. His brother would be so disappointed, and, even more depressing, his brother’s disappointment from beyond the grave is even worse to contemplate than the bare life he leads.

He opens his mouth to speak, when Kurenai opens the screen door. “Hi,” she says, carrying a baby monitor. “I need to step out quickly.” She kneels, leaving the baby monitor between the two men, placing her hand on Raidou’s back. He swivels his head to look at her. He wants to press his face into her neck and cry again.

“Where are you going?” Genma asks.

“Out,” she says, “just a walk. Mirai is in a bassinette in the kitchen. All you have to do is keep an ear out for her.” She ruffles Raidou’s hair, and the back of his neck prickles. Genma watches, but he says nothing.

“We’re drinking,” Genma says, “what if we drop Mirai?”

“We’re not going to drop Mirai.” Raidou says, “I’ll stop drinking until you get back.” Kurenai smiles at him, and Genma tries not to think of the screams of horses, burning alive in the place where they believed they would be safe.

“They bounce at this age.” She says. Raidou snorts, while Genma rolls his eyes. She stands up and walks back into the house. Raidou watches her.

“You’re obvious.” Genma says. Raidou frowns.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.” He replies. Genma doesn’t believe him, but he chooses to say nothing. He doesn’t want to think about screaming horses, anymore.

**

Kurenai can’t remember the last time she visited Raidou and Yuugao’s apartment. She knows it was only a few months ago, but it feels like it has been a lifetime. Mirai was still in her tummy and Raidou and Yuugao were still in love. It’s too soon to call it, but Kurenai can tell that things are about to fall apart. Having lost Raidou herself, Kurenai can empathize with how awful Yuugao must feel. She even bought Yuugao a carton of orange juice to make her feel better. She walks up the stairs and pauses when she gets to the door.

She thinks about turning back and leaving. But she isn’t a coward, not anymore, so she knocks on the door. She hears shuffling, before the lock clicks and Yuugao stands in front of her. Her cheeks are puffy, and her eyes are red. She looks like someone who is desperately trying to look like they haven’t been crying.

“Hi,” Kurenai says lamely. Yuugao frowns.

“Hello,” she says softly. They awkwardly stand there at the door, until Kurenai holds out a carton of orange juice. Yuugao blinks at it, before taking it from Kurenai. “What’s this?”

“An offering.” Kurenai replies. Yuugao nods, holding the carton tight to her body. “I actually came here for a reason.”

“Oh?” Yuugao asks. She called Yamato as soon as Raidou left, and he should be here any minute with beer and some of his _good sense_ , as Genma calls it. She could really use it right now.

“Raidou came over to talk to Genma,” Kurenai stuffs her hands into the pockets of her dress. “I didn’t want you to think that he went to see me.” She says this last bit softly. Yuugao frowns. “Look, Yuugao, I know we aren’t friends, but…I’m sorry, for how things have turned out.” It’s the closest Kurenai can get to the truth. Yuugao stares at her for a long minute, not saying anything. They both sense Yamato before they see him, but they don’t acknowledge him until he stands next to Kurenai.

“Kurenai,” he says quietly. If he’s heard what Kurenai said, he doesn’t let on. Yamato isn’t glaring, but his stare is cold, like her presence offends him but he is too polite to say anything. It’s how she used to look at Anko, after she finally broke Genma’s heart. He is holding a six-pack of beer, the cheap kind you drink when life has really shit on you. _Remember, Yuugao is a victim too_. But that’s hard to remember when Raidou is the one taking the hits.

“Hi Yamato.” She says, “big night planned?”

“Something like that.” He replies, shifting. Kurenai doesn’t miss the look he gives Yuugao.

“I think it’s time for you to leave,” Yuugao says quietly. Kurenai crosses her arms, nodding.

“Of course,” she says, smiling.

“Thanks for the juice,” Yuugao’s voice is soft, and she tries to smile. It doesn’t work. Kurenai steps back, allowing Yamato to put himself between her and Yuugao.

“You’re welcome.” Kurenai turns away and heads back down the stairs.

**

Raidou leaves Kurenai’s place at around midnight. She came home an hour after she left, taking Mirai upstairs with her. Genma and Raidou spent the rest of the night _shooting the shit_ , as Genma’s dad would say. One of the things Raidou likes about Genma is that he doesn’t expect anything from Raidou. He just wants companionship. It’s easy.

He quietly unlocks the door and is surprised to find that the lights are still on. He sees an extra pair of shoes at the door, and frowns when he hears light snoring. Raidou kicks off his shoes and walks to the living room. There, Yuugao lies on her side, her head on the arm of the couch. Yamato lies next to her, his head on her hip. They look like two overgrown kids who’ve fallen asleep on each other. Raidou walks over to the shelf and picks up Yuugao’s camera. He turns it on and snaps a picture of them, making sure to capture the beer bottles on the coffee table. Neither of them wakes up.

He turns off the camera and sets it aside. Raidou clears the beer bottles from the table and leaves two big glasses of water in their place. He considers draping a blanket over them, but he figures that he has done enough already.

After getting his own glass of water, Raidou goes into the bedroom, takes off his clothes and crawls into bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to stop warning you that I'm taking breaks, because writing this thing has been my one source of stress relief this entire year, and especially this last week. Everything in my life is on track, which is a weird feeling to have. It's been awhile since I haven't felt like I was in survival mode. 
> 
> Raidou read Sophocles' Antigone. This chapter is a bummer. I'm really and truly sorry. The next one will be worse. Then, this miserable arc will be over. I hope, at the very least, this was a nice distraction, considering all the chaos. Feel free to leave a comment-I've said this before, and I'll say it again, they do wonders for my self-esteem and they really make my week. I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on this chapter! Thank you for reading.


	21. The Permafrost is Melting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despair.

“Keep a place for me/ it’s no thing, it’s nothing”

Frank Ocean, “Self Control”

Yuugao didn’t apologize the next morning. She and Yamato were still sound asleep with Raidou got a summons, and he was gone for a week on a mission. No text, no note, nothing. It’s for the best, he decides. Raidou would probably delete it or rip it up.

When he gets back home, she asks if he wants to go out for dinner. He shrugs, like, sure, and they decide to try a new restaurant. Neutral territory. The restaurant is one of those young, hip places. The music is an indistinct, electronic hum, the kind that Aoba and Anko do drugs to. The waiters are all young, with dyed hair and unflattering haircuts. Raidou feels like he and Yuugao are very out of place. This is the kind of restaurant for people who think the shinobi way of life ought to be abolished, not two agents of an authoritarian state. He didn’t wear his uniform and her tattoo is covered, but they’ve been seen around town in their work clothes. Everyone knows what they are. _People are too self-involved to care about us_. Nonetheless, he catches a girl gawking at them, before her friend hisses at her.

They sit over their meal, Raidou poking his food and Yuugao watching him when she clears her throat.

“I am sorry.” She says, “I shouldn’t have said that your brother didn’t matter like Hayate, or all those other things I said.” _Or all those other things you said_. Funnily enough, they’re the reason he can’t look at her without feeling sick. It feels awkward and stilted, like she isn’t really sorry, she just knows she should be.

“Okay,” he says, “thank you.” He pauses, and she blinks at him. _She’s waiting for me to accept it_. He presses his lips together. Raidou wants to end this for both of them. “I accept your apology.” Yuugao nods, turning back to her food. They eat in silence, both lonely. Yuugao misses Hayate, and Raidou thinks of his brother, in the great beyond.

She pays for their meal, as a sign of good faith, and he wonders if he ought to be grateful. “Thank you,” he says. Yuugao smiles.

“You’re welcome.” He holds her hand on the walk home and tries to do the inner work of accepting her apology. She presses her mouth to his shoulder, and he feels nothing.

**

Genma sits at the kitchen table, grumpy and sleep deprived. When he moved in, he didn’t think Mirai would be a big problem. But she has a set of lungs, and Kurenai doesn’t always reach her in time to prevent the wailing. It rings in his ears and wakes him up from the dead of sleep. He thought he could sleep through anything. But a screaming child whose welfare he is invested in? His brain refuses to block that out.

“I get no peace,” he grumbles, poking at the omelette she made him with his chopsticks. Kurenai is breastfeeding, stroking Mirai’s cheek.

“I’m the one with sore nipples and two hours of sleep,” she says, “I don’t know why you’re complaining.” He notes that the pale slope of her breast is even paler than Mirai, who hasn’t spent much time in direct sunlight.

“You don’t have a good reaction time,” he says, “you’re probably messing up her ability to trust by moving too slow.” He sticks a bit of egg in his mouth and gets some satisfaction from the irritated look on her face.

“That’s really rude,” she replies. Genma shrugs.

“That’s why I said it.” He says, “I’m grumpy because I’m tired.”

“Well, if it sucks to be here, you can always move out.” Since becoming a mother, she has less and less time for men complaining about minor inconveniences. Last time he was here, she told Aoba off for complaining about Anko not having enough time for him. _You’re not the centre of her universe_. Genma had smirked at that one, but she still apologized to Aoba for hurting his feelings.

“No can do,” he replies, talking with food in his mouth, “I’d worry, then I would get _no_ sleep.” He swallows his food and takes a sip of coffee. “Someone has to watch out for you and your ugly baby.”

“I have Shikamaru.”

“He’s seventeen.” Genma says, Kurenai sighs.

“Asuma really should’ve thought that one through,” she says quietly. She enjoys knowing that her daughter is cared for, but Shikamaru has a tendency to get underfoot, and while he is a sweet kid, he isn’t her friend. She can’t breastfeed or cry or admit to doubt in front of him.

“No one ever turned to Asuma for his thoughts,” Genma says, picking up more egg. “Besides, you’re a good cook.” Kurenai smiles at him softly, before turning her gaze back down to Mirai. “It’s crazy that a whole person came out of you.”

“I know,” she replies.

“Raidou is coming over today,” he says offhandedly, “I think he wants to see you and Mirai.” Kurenai smiles to herself.

“I think he likes her more than the two of us combined.”

“It’s because she can’t complain,” Genma says, “give it a few years, and I will be number one again when she starts talking.” Kurenai laughs, and he takes another sip of his coffee.

**

Raidou sits on the couch, holding Mirai while Kurenai folds laundry. “I can do that,” he says. Kurenai shakes her head.

“No, I really do get tired of holding her,” she says. “Babies are boring.”

“Did you hear that?” Raidou says to Mirai, “how rude. I wouldn’t _dream_ of calling you boring.” Mirai smiles up at him and giggles. She reaches up for his face, so he leans closer. Kurenai watches Mirai brush his jaw with her tiny hands. She reaches for his mouth, but Raidou pulls back. “Your hands are not going in my mouth. No, no, no.” Mirai strings a few syllables together, and Raidou shrugs. “You make a compelling case, but no can do.”

“You’d be a good parent.” Kurenai says offhandedly. Raidou looks up at her, from beneath his brow. His face freezes, but not wanting to frown in front of Mirai, he moves his face.

“I’d be okay.” He replies.

“No, you’d be very good.” Kurenai says, “you have whole conversations with her.”

“She has lots to say,” he replies. Mirai, like all people, wants to be acknowledged as a sentient being. He doesn’t know what she is trying to say, but he knows that she will tell him if he teaches her how to speak.

“Your kids would be very normal and grounded.” She says, folding a pair of pants. “They’d be good kids.” She imagines that Raidou and Yuugao would be very laid-back and supportive. They wouldn’t put pressure on their kids to excel. Raidou would take them camping, fishing. He’d be the kind of dad who finds it easy to be affectionate with his children.

Asuma would have been like that too. A little less laid-back, but he would be supportive. He’d want Mirai to be a great shinobi, whereas she doesn’t think that would matter so much to Raidou, but that’s because of how they were raised, more than anything else. Raidou would take Mirai and Asuma camping with him and Yuugao and their kids. Kurenai would get the weekend off. She’s less bitter about it, but she still thinks life cheated them all.

Raidou goes out of his way not to think about his kids. “Normal and grounded,” he hums. He doesn’t disagree. Yuugao told him that she would want their kids to have a choice as to whether or not they would be shinobi. He agreed. The older he gets, the more he understands why his parents held him and his brother back. He had a real childhood, compared to his peers. It shows in the way that he understands how to function in the real world. “You don’t think you’ll be that way, Mirai?” She gurgles back, making both Kurenai and Raidou smile, big. “She’s a good baby,” he says, “I can tell.”

“Yeah, I lucked out.” Kurenai still isn’t getting as much sleep as she would like, but it’s not that bad, honestly. Mirai makes the sleepless nights worth it.

“Mirai, I’ll make you a deal,” he says, “I’ll teach you kenjutsu if you ask really, _really_ nicely.”

“She won’t remember,” Kurenai says. Raidou ignores her.

“I’ll show you how your grandfather and my father did it. They had their own style and everything.” Raidou says, “I’ll even show you how my brother did it. I’ll even show you how I do it, and I’m pretty good.” Each technique is a little different, and Raidou is so proficient that he knows all four and can move between them with ease.

“You’re going to teach my kid how to play with knives?” she says. Raidou smiles down at Mirai.

“Big knives,” he says, “I’m going to teach you how to play with really, _really_ big knives.” Mirai smiles up at him, reaching up for his face.

“Shouldn’t you ask me first?” Kurenai says. Raidou shakes his head.

“I was always going to teach your kids for your dad.” Kurenai’s father never made him promise, but it was implied whenever Raidou complained about practicing. _You’re going to pass this on to the next generation, young man_. Her father was very serious, and he will never forget the embarrassed look on her face when he told her that if she wanted to honor him, she should have a baby. He said that in front of all of them, too. They were behind the barrier then, and they could all tell that Kurenai wanted to break out and send her father to an alternate dimension. Raidou’s father had been there too and had given Kurenai an apologetic look.

But they both died. She never had a chance to yell at her father, and Raidou never had the chance to ask his father why he didn’t agree with what Kurenai’s father said. He has come to realize that his father wasn’t a patriot, not like Raidou and Kurenai’s father. Not like Asuma. His father never talked about the Will of Fire or pushed them for greatness. His father would have blown a gasket if Raidou came back to his house and told him that he was going to become an elite assassin.

But they are both long dead. Kurenai did what she was told, and Raidou disobeyed.

Kurenai picks up a pair of socks and folds them together. “I suppose she ought to learn.”

“It will be good for her,” he says quietly. “It’s a practical skill.” In their world. “It’s my present to her.”

“Your present?” she asks.

“It’s the one thing I can give her that can’t ever be taken away.” It’s the kind of skill that, when you properly learn, never fades. 

“You’re talking like an old man.” She says, picking up another pair of socks. Raidou puffs his cheeks at Mirai.

“That’s another thing about your mom,” he says, “she calls me old!” She lets out a high-pitched giggle, and Raidou lets her grab his finger. Kurenai looks away, so he doesn’t see the happy look on her face, as he and Mirai continue to speak to each other.

**

Yamato really likes bubble tea. He likes to suck up the big, tapioca pearls and chew them up into mush. It’s what he is doing right now, while Yuugao sits beside him, doing one of those DIY embroidery kits. It’s supposed to be a simple sunflower. She told Yamato that she was going to give it to him for his home. He shrugged, but he actually really enjoys her attention. It makes him feel special, to be loved the way that Yuugao loves him.

They just got the news that Kakashi will be talking over the role of Hokage, on a permanent basis. When they saw him after the announcement, he seemed indifferent. _More paperwork_ , he grunted. He wasn’t particularly excited. It was what Yamato and Yuugao expected.

Yuugao’s thumb is sore from pushing the needle into the cloth, but she likes the pain. “This kind of hurts,” she says.

“Then stop doing it.” Yamato replies. She shakes her head.

“I can’t,” she says, “I want you to have this as soon as possible.”

“Why?” he asks. For Yamato, it is enough to know that she is working on something, just for him. She doesn’t even need to finish it.

“Because I want you to think of me when you see it.” Yuugao replies, hunching over it. Yamato smiles around his straw. Her own bubble tea sits beside her, untouched.

“I feel special that you want me to have your embroidery, over everyone else.”

“It’s because you’re special to me,” she says, “you’re the only one worthy of my craft kit embroidery.”

“Not even Kakashi?” he asks, knowing the answer. Yamato just likes hearing that there is someone who likes him more than they do Kakashi. He has never had that, before Yuugao declared herself his best friend and started trailing him around.

“Especially not him.” Things are fine between them, but they aren’t friends. Not when Yuugao knows what actually friendship with a man feels like.

“He’s the Hokage.”

“He wants to have sex with me,” she says, “you can only be so close with someone who wants more than you. I adore you this much because you don’t want to have sex with me. You actually just like being my friend.” His indifference to her beauty is utterly beguiling. She now understands why Kurenai keeps Genma around when he calls her ugly, and why Anko always buzzes around Aoba despite the fact that he tells her that her vagina must have teeth. _It’s like you actually like me for me_.

“Maybe I should make you something too,” he says offhandedly. “Maybe a cootie catcher, and all the fortunes will be different places we want to visit.”

“We can decide to go on a trip that way,” she hums.

“My thinking exactly,” he says. Yamato sucks, again, on his bubble tea.

**

Shin sips his coffee from a Sailor Moon mug. He told Raidou that his daughters gave it to him, as a joke. He was always ragging on them for making him listen to Usagi’s whining for years on end. It’s two of her frustrated faces, one on either side. Raidou can tell that his daughters painted it themselves.

“So, did she apologize?” Shin asks, swirling the coffee in his mug.

“Yeah,” Raidou says. He doesn’t feel any particular way about it.

“How do you feel about?” Shin asks. Raidou bobs his head from side to side.

“Ambivalent.” It wasn’t much of an apology. A step in the right direction, yes, but not enough to make him feel like it’s more than habit and love keeping them together. Shin nods his head, sipping his coffee.

“Why ambivalent?”

“Because I’m happy that she said, I just don’t like how she said it.” Raidou doesn’t know how he is supposed to integrate everything that has happened. “How am I supposed to go on?”

“It’s not a question of how,” Shin says, “it’s a question of whether or not you want to be with Yuugao.”

“Of course, I want to be with her,” Raidou replies. Shin hums and resists the childish urge to point out that he wouldn’t have slept naked beside Kurenai if that were the case.

“Do you think you can stay with her and be happy?” Shin asks. He doesn’t have to list all the things that happened to him, because those are all besides the point. It’s not so much that they don’t love each other or want to be together. It’s that their relationship, as mangled as it is, is beyond repair. Yuugao simply gave it the killing blow; that doesn’t mean that Raidou doesn’t share any blame in how things fell apart between them.

“No,” Raidou says softly. “I really don’t think we’ll be happy again.”

“You know what you’re going to do?”

“Yes,” Raidou says, “I do.”

**

Raidou spend the rest of the day thinking about the most compassionate way to do this. He hasn’t broken up with anyone in a long while, so he wants to do it right. Yuugao is out with Yamato today, so he has time to clean the apartment, organizing everything so it won’t take too long to pack. It will be only a few hours, tops. Raidou checks all the appliances, the toilet, the sinks. He finally gets around to cleaning out the vacuum cleaner.

When it is all done, he sits on the couch, staring at the television. He is too keyed up to watch anything, but the silence is overwhelming. He quickly settles on one of Genma’s alien shows and tries to lie back and relax. His tummy is in knots and he spends the next few hours second guessing himself.

The lock clicks, and she steps in. It’s dark out, and he can hear the rustle of a paper bag. “I bought takeout,” she says, “I know you don’t like it and we bought groceries yesterday, but I really didn’t feel like cooking and you know, I thought it be nice to treat ourselves.” She keeps her voice bright on purpose. “I got you those noodles you like.” She kicks her shoes off and walks over to the couch. She drops the paper bag beside him, and she turns back to the kitchen to get chopsticks before the expression on his face registers.

Raidou blinks at the food beside him. Yuugao walks back over to the couch, sitting down at looking at the show he is watching. “Aliens? Don’t you hate this show?” Yuugao opens the bag and passes him the container of soba noodles and electric blue chopsticks she bought when she first moved out of her parents’ house.

“I was bored.” He says, watching her reach over and open his container for him. She looks around the apartment.

“Did you clean all day?” she asks. Raidou nods.

“Yeah.” He puts some noodles in his mouth to placate her, and to avoid having to talk. Yuugao chats the whole meal, telling him all about her day with Yamato. They went on a big walk, and then they went to see a movie. She bought Yamato a ring from a vending machine, and he wore it on his pinky the _whole day_. Raidou is happy that she started spending time with Yamato. She always comes back in a good mood. Right now, she is glowing. It makes Raidou feel really bad.

“What’s wrong, baby?” she asks. Raidou blinks. There is still half of his meal in the bowl.

“Oh. I’m not hungry.” He says, closing his container. Yuugao frowns, setting her own bowl and chopsticks on the coffee table. He sets his beside hers, putting his chopsticks on the container.

“You aren’t yourself.” She says, reaching for him. He shifts away, and she freezes with her arms mid-air. She frowns, watching him set his elbows onto his knees.

“Yuugao,” he says quietly, “we need to talk.” She swallows.

“What?” she asks.

“We need to talk about us.” He looks her right in the eye. Yuugao feels her stomach drop.

“What about it?” she asks.

“Are you happy with me?” he asks, voice uncertain. Yuugao clenches her jaw. She isn’t happy, but she can’t imagine being without him. She curls her legs under herself, her arm on the back of the couch.

“Well…” she sighs, trailing off. “I want to be with you.”

“That’s not the question.” He wants to be with her too. But he also wants to evaluate the quality of their relationship. He wants to know if it feels as shitty for her as it does him.

“I’m…content.”

“You’re settling.” It makes him feel horrible that staying with him is settling. _I don’t want you to settle for less than you deserve._ Yuugao frowns.

“You’re putting words in my mouth.” She says, “I want to be with you.”

“Why?” he asks. “We have all these fights over the same things, and it feels like we’re going nowhere.” He sighs. “It’s like we aren’t connected anymore, and I don’t know how to fit us back together.” There is a point where you realize that if you have to try so hard, it isn’t working. _There is no shame in admitting that you cannot fix something_. His dad told him that once.

Yuugao touches his shoulder, trying to reassure him. He looks at her hand, and then back up at her face. “Why are you questioning me?” she asks.

“Because I love you. I really, really love you.” He puts his hand over hers. “But I don’t know if…if we’re in love anymore. Are we in love?” he asks quietly. Yuugao presses her lips together, her eyes big.

“We are,” she says, tears forming in her eyes. This conversation has sucked all the joy out of the day. “We are in big, deep love.” _But it’s not enough_.

“It’s not going to save us.” He says.

“It’s not.” She concedes, pulling her hand away so she can hold herself. Raidou covers his mouth with a hand, staring at the television. He reaches for the remote and turns it off. He sits there, numb. Raidou turns to her and puts his hand on her knee. She looks up at him, and he wordlessly opens his arms. She throws herself at him and tucks her face into his shoulder. He holds her tight, staring over her shoulder, feeling her heave against him.

**

Yuugao starts kissing his jaw, as if there was any way she could undo their conversation. Her kisses are small, soft, and she move to straddle him properly. Raidou lets her kiss him, her fingers dancing along his jaw. He doesn’t say anything, merely offering himself to her. She shifts on his lap, the way she does when she wants him to get hard. Sighing, he finally speaks.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Yes,” she kisses him on the mouth, slipping her tongue into his mouth. Not for the first time, he thanks the forces that be that she prefers short skirts when she isn’t at work. He leans back, and moving his hands up her thighs, squeezing her bottom. She moans into his mouth, her spine tingling. His hands mover under the lace, and she runs her hands up his shirt.

For as long as she has known him, he has always had a hard body. They are all muscled, but his muscles are different. It’s like there is nothing soft to him. Even his fat is tough. _Is there a part of you that hasn’t been hardened?_ His feelings, she supposes.

The tip of her nose touches his cheek, and she kisses the corner of his mouth. It makes him feel loved; it hurts more than it should. “Are you still sure?” he asks again. Yuugao rests her forehead on his, her nose touching his.

“I am very sure,” she says quietly, “surer than anything.” She kisses his mouth again, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Where?” he pants.

“Here.” She sighs. Yuugao doesn’t feel like moving. She wants him now. “I’m very desperate for you.” Raidou savors that _very desperate_ as she kisses his neck. It tingles, where her lips touch his skin, in a good way. He wonders if she knows how she makes him feel. Raidou thinks it ought to be self-evident, but he supposes that may not be the case.

“Yuugao?” he says. She responds with an mhmmm. “You make me feel good.”

“How good?” she asks, smiling.

“King of the World, good.” He smiles when she giggles.

“I think I make you feel better than that,” she murmurs, “I’m one of the prettiest girls in Konoha.”

“Your kissing is even better than your looks,” he hums, “it’s one of Konoha’s best kept secrets.” Yuugao grins at him.

“You think I’m good at kissing?” she asks, completely forgetting their breakup. Raidou puts his hand on his cheek and smiles at her.

“Pretty much the best,” he says. Yuugao kisses him right on the mouth for that, as he squeezes her bottom. They’ve never had dispassionate sex. One of the things she likes the most about Raidou is that he always brings his feelings, in all their intensity, to the table. She wonders if he knows how much she yearns for him, how she is always ready for him. They have never hosted a party at their place, because he doesn’t like cleaning up after people and she likes knowing that, if she gets especially horny, all they have to do is for him to do a time-space jutsu and they’re home. Yuugao could trust Genma and Yamato to bail if she blinked, probably Kakashi and Shizune too. If he were alive, Asuma could be trusted to know when to bounce. The rest of Raidou’s friends, however, are hopeless. Guy would be slow on the uptake, and Aoba or Anko would make a joke about wanting to watch while Ibiki would probably open another beer to blue ball her. Kurenai wouldn’t leave unless Raidou explicitly asked her. She’d be the most difficult to get rid of. If she so much as made a joke about joining them, Yuugao would send her to an alternate universe and well, that wouldn’t go over well.

On the other hand, Yuugao can’t blame other people for wanting to watch them, or Kurenai for wanting to join them. The times she has seen their reflection, she is entranced by the way they look together. It’s one thing to see him, and then the whole picture. _Of course, everyone wants to watch us_. And Kurenai has been with Raidou, in a serious, big way like Yuugao. She kisses him, and she has to admit, the idea of Kurenai being forced to watch them isn’t _not_ a turn on. It would just be watching, not touching or anything. Yuugao just wants Raidou to show Kurenai how well he treats her.

In all honesty, if she was horned up enough, she would gladly let everyone watch. They’re that hot, and he turns her on that much. _I just want everyone to see why I’m with you_. They may be breaking up, but it’s not over, not yet.

She has never told him any of this, but she knows how he would respond. His eyes would widen a little bit and he would say something to the effect of _huh, dunno why you’re so desperate_.

 _I’m so desperate because you always stroke the back wall and you’re a nasty motherfucker in the best way_. She kisses his throat. “I want you to be naked,” she sighs. “You look good naked.” To Yuugao, he looks better than her. Raidou wraps his arms around her waist, humming.

“You want to see me naked?” he teases, “I am old and ugly.” Yuugao kisses him in response, her hands up his shirt.

“You’re the prettiest,” she says, “and you’re so good to me, you could look like a gargoyle and I would still let you hit it.” This doesn’t feel like they’re breaking up, which is why Raidou and Yuugao are so invested in having sex. Their relationship started this way, it makes sense that it would end this way too.

“You’re prettier,” he says quietly. Yuugao pulls her top over her head, as Raidou unzips her skirt. He takes his own shirt off, watching her unhook her bra.

This isn’t how the compassionate breakup. He had planned to leave right after, go stay in a hotel or something. Be a responsible, caring adult. But Yuugao short circuits his brain. She stands up, her feet planted on either side of his hips. Her underwear is peach lace. Raidou hooks his fingers into the waistband and pulls them down, whining in the back of his throat when she doesn’t step out of them fast enough.

He looks right up between her legs. “Every part of you is really pretty.” Giving her a pervy grin, he slips a finger inside. Yuugao yips, before sitting back down on his hand. She sighs as he slides another finger in, but she unzips his pants and shoos his hand away.

“Any special instructions?” he asks. Yuugao sinks onto him in response to his question. He groans loudly. She kisses him, pressing herself against him. Yuugao shifts her hips, doing all the work to take him deep. All he can do is sit back and dig his nails into her hips.

She sighs when she’s satisfied that he’s as deep as she can take him. “I’m going to miss this,” she says quietly. The corner of his mouth twitches when he remembers how they got here.

“Me too,” he says. “How do you want me to do you?” Yuugao leans back, sighing when the angle changes.

“Cut me open.”

“Cut you open?”

“Spill my guts on the floor.” She leans into his mouth, and he cuts her off with a kiss. He starts moving, not moving in-out so much as back and forth. He moves hard and to the point, in the gutting kind of way that makes her choke out his name. She rolls against him, screaming for him to go deeper. There are times where he thinks that, just maybe, she wants him to punch through her cervix or, at least, hit hard enough for it to feel like it.

Her mouth hangs open and she digs her nails into his shoulder. It only feels good when it hurts, and when it hurts, that’s when she remembers that they are here because their love, in all its expansiveness, isn’t enough to save their relationship. If he doesn’t permanently lodge himself inside of her, he will definitely be leaving. He thrusts so hard that she has to arch her back to avoid having it blown out and swears. He smiles at the way her breasts bounce, and he sucks the hollow at the base of her throat.

They are both so close, that it’s a race to see who can finish first. It’s Yuugao, who isn’t satisfied until she feels impaled, who cries out when her cervix is knocked and rides it out while Raidou finds his own end. She feels all cut up from the inside, like her viscera will spill out. She doesn’t believe in god, but she is pretty sure that a higher cosmic force made his dick especially for her. Scratch that, he’s older: she was made for him. She knows this because of how deep he can go and how much it hurts when they part.

Yuugao stands up, shakily. Raidou watches her shake, frowning. He stands up and sits her down on the couch, getting on his knees before her. He puts his mouth between her legs and does something gentle and soft. His tongue and lips soothe all the places that he tore up, and she whimpers when he hits the really tender spots. Her second orgasm builds slowly and doesn’t hurt at all. He presses his lips to the place below her belly button after, before he stands and pulls his pants up, fixing himself. Yuugao stays on the couch, naked, watching him pick up his shirt.

“Where are you going to go?” she asks softly.

“I haven’t thought that far ahead,” he replies. He thought he could spend the night in a hotel, but he really doesn’t want to do that. He wants to go home. Yuugao nods. She feels too sore to move.

“Is it really over?” she asks. He nods.

“It has to be.” Raidou pulls his shirt over his head. She stands up before him, naked. He kisses her forehead, and she moves so quick that she kisses him deep. She pulls back, blinking sadly.

“That’s a real last kiss,” she says quietly. Raidou kisses her again, just to be sure they did it right, and then he wordlessly leaves the apartment. She holds herself, naked, before walking into their room.

When she steps in and starts going through their drawers, it is apparent that he has already separated their things. That’s when it hits her, and her guts spill out. She lies on the bed and screams into his pillow.

**

Sitting on the kitchen floor of Yuugao and Raidou’s apartment, Yamato sits across from her, putting a spoonful of strawberry ice cream in his mouth. Yuugao looks deflated, and while she hasn’t told him what’s wrong, judging from her red eyes and the fact that she was alone when he got here, it probably has something to with Raidou. She puts a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth as he swallows his. Yamato is waiting for her to speak.

Yuugao is wearing one of Raidou’s sweaters. He can tell by the fact that is a large, black, pullover wool sweater, with a big turtleneck. Hayate never wore anything like it, and he has seen Raidou wear it on cold days. Her hair is in a knot, and she is wearing leggings. A very put together look for a girl who, for all intents and purposes, is falling apart.

She feels like one big laceration, like she has been cut open. _Raidou always does what I tell him to do_. She’s sore, between her legs, and she already misses being pulled tight and stretched around him.

More than that, she is going to miss him. The way he would snore against her. That he always made sure her favorite foods were on hand. The way that he kept this apartment in order, cleaning and fixing and rearranging so that _everything has a place, and everything is in its place_. Watching him blink awake in the morning. Getting to tell him all about her day. Seeing him tend to their plants. _What are we going to do about the plants?_ They have over forty, at last count. She wonders if he will want any, or if they will just be a painful reminder of the children they can’t have.

She takes another spoonful of ice cream, holding it to her lips. Yuugao puts it in her mouth, and swallows, feeling it coat her throat. _I’m never going to feel his dick in the back of my throat again_. Perhaps it is ridiculous to miss this particular part of Raidou, but it speaks to her immense and overwhelming desire for him, that she is going to miss gagging on him.

“Raidou left.” She says quietly.

“For the night?” Yamato asks. She shakes her head.

“Forever,” she says quietly. Yamato bobs his head.

“Bummer.” He replies quietly. Her face crinkles, and he prepares himself for the worst. Yuugao’s face only does that when she is about to share something that will sear itself into his brain.

“We broke up and had sex after,” she says, “I told him to cut me open and then he just left.” Her eyes are empty, and she sticks her spoon in the ice cream, so it stands straight up. She wipes at her face with the heel of her hand. He sticks his own spoon into the ice cream and moves the carton over so that there is nothing between them.

“That sounds like it hurt.” He says softly. Yuugao nods her head, as the tears start to fall. She jumps onto lap, sticks her face into his neck and lets out a big sob, because it did, it really, really did.

**

He jumps up onto the roof, right by Kurenai’s window. He doesn’t want to face Genma right now, and it’s late. Raidou knocks on the window, and he watches Kurenai turn the light of her bedroom on, and her frown at the window. She walks over, and he watches her open it in one heave.

“Raidou,” she says, “what’s wrong?” Kurenai can tell by the look on his face that something has happened to him. He looks tired, and he can’t even smile at her.

“Can I come in?” he asks quietly. She nods, stepping back so he can climb in. Kurenai’s arms are at her side, and she is only wearing a nightdress. It hits mid-thigh, and it is cotton and lace. Her face and tummy are still soft from the baby weight, but her legs and arms look the same.

Raidou stands up, swallowing. He feels like he might be sick. _I cut her open, knowing I was going to come here_. He really is an asshole. Raidou blinks at her, and Kurenai tries not to think about what the screams of horses must sound like.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“It’s over,” he whispers, and the screams would overwhelm her brain, if she hadn’t opened her arms to him. Raidou falls to her, embracing her, crying into the side of her neck. He doesn’t need to tell her what ‘it’ is. _You loved her so much that you quit me_. To Kurenai, it doesn’t matter that he always came back. The fact that he could leave her was enough to make her hate Yuugao.

“I’m sorry,” she says, holding him close.

“I love her,” he gasps, “I really, really love her.”

“I know,” she murmurs.

“How am I supposed to go on?” he asks. It’s something he never really thought about until now. His life now stretches before him, aimless. Yuugao had been his anchor. Coming home to her, being inside her, getting to wake up next to her, having a family with her. That has been his life plan for the last four years.

Kurenai knows this feeling, better than most. She sighs against him, putting her lips to his neck. “You have to,” she says, “I have to, so you have to do it with me.”

“With you?” he asks. Kurenai nods her head.

“You won’t ever have to do it alone, not with me around.” He pulls back, and she smiles at him. Raidou’s face scrunches again, and she pulls him back down to her. He never cried like this over Kurenai, because he didn’t feel entitled to grief. Now that he looks back, it never felt over, either. It’s like the loss of Yuugao allows him to feel the loss of Kurenai, the massive crater she left inside of him. Kurenai’s eyes redden, and she blinks back tears. “Can you please admit how much it hurts?”

“Yes,” he says softly, “it hurts all over.” He feels her warmth beneath the cotton of her nightgown, and he presses against her. Raidou feels like a furnace, and she has craved the warmth of another body for so long, that she gives in.

“We weren’t supposed to end up here,” she says, “we were supposed to be happy.”

“Yuugao said she and Asuma paid the price for our choices,” he murmurs, “do you think she was right?” Kurenai tucks her face into his neck, and instead of replying, sobs. He moves his hand up to cradle the back of her head, his fingers curled in her unruly hair. Genma told him that she has a hair appointment tomorrow. _The age of the mom haircut is upon us,_ he had said. _At least I never condemned Yuugao to that haircut_. Her infertility affected him, more then he lets on. He feels guilty for feeling bad, because it is her body, and he still finds it hard to remember that he is allowed to grieve. Now that he lets himself really feel it, as well as lancing the pain of Kurenai, he feels horrible, but also, he has found some relief. Like all the pain is leaking out of him, instead of sitting in his chest, growing and pressing up against his organs. Like it can now be integrated into him.

“I really wanted to have a baby with her,” he says, “it’s over and I still want it. Does that make me sick?” Kurenai sighs.

“Asuma is dead, and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. Does that make me stupid?”

“No,” he says softly, “it makes you a person.”

“It’s the same for you,” she says quietly. Raidou holds her tighter as Kurenai presses herself to him. _I refuse to be your burning barn_ , she thinks, _I’m not ever going to catch fire, as long as I have you to protect_. Raidou lets go when Mirai makes a squeaking noise and obeys when Kurenai tells him to climb into bed and stay with her.

He watches her breastfeed, falling asleep listening to Kurenai hum, Mirai in her arms.

**

Raidou makes a last minute, same day appointment with Shin the next morning. When he walks into Shin’s office, he sits on the couch and gives Shin a thousand-yard stare. They sit there for a little bit, before Shin clears his throat and Raidou blinks.

“I understand there is an emergency?” Shin asks. Raidou nods.

“It all fell apart,” he says quietly. Shin nods.

“Okay, let’s talk about it.”

Raidou nods and opens his mouth. _It all started when I said_ ….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, it's over. I feel like I can breathe again. Between this and politics, I feel complete whiplash. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading through arc two. I'm honestly impressed that none of you abandoned this story, it was so miserable. Arc three has a time skip, and without giving anything away, people actually heal in that one. Thank you for leaving all your sweet comments and for reading! They make my day and they do wonders for my motivation and self-esteem. 
> 
> I hope this isn't disappointing for anyone. I promise, the next chapter is happy (the next nine are; chapter thirty-one is just bonus material I wrote and figured could just be posted after the last chapter, so it's tone is mixed).


	22. Dawn, then Morning Mist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nine years later.

_“You broke a leg and the house came down”_

_Better Oblivion Community Centre, “Chesapeake”_

The past haunts in different ways. Nine years later, in many ways, Raidou has stayed the same, but he has changed. He walks up the steps to Kakashi’s office, jangling his keys in his pocket, whistling. Shin told him that he has grown immeasurably, and Raidou carries that compliment in his heart with as much tenderness as Mirai’s handmade birthday cards, Genma’s snippy remarks about his age and all of his parents, his brother, Kurenai and Yuugao’s _I love yous_ combined.

You see, Raidou can now live with the past. He doesn’t try to shove it away into another person, and he doesn’t seek comfort in Kurenai the way he would’ve before Yuugao. He doesn’t dream of either of them on the black blade, hasn’t in years. Shin told him that, when they first met, it was like Raidou was frozen and had no idea.

Now, he is a whole, integrated person. He uses ‘I’ language and is accountable for his own feelings. He still lives with Kurenai and Genma, and they’ve stopped making fun of him for saying things like ‘closure’ and ‘at peace.’ Mirai copies him, too. _Mom, I’m sorry for breaking that vase. I was hungry and tired, but that is no excuse_. She giggles every time she apologizes like that, because she knows it’s ridiculous, but nonetheless, it makes Raidou feel like he has had a positive impact on her.

He still works as a bodyguard. Looking out for Kakashi is strange, since he is easily stronger than Raidou, and he still remembers when he was a twerp-y boy genius who mansplained everything. He walks down the hall, and he sees Yuugao come out of Kakashi’s office. She spots him before he thinks of something to say, and she waves and walks over to him.

“Hi,” she says softly. Raidou looks at the boxes in her hand. _His and hers lunches_. His stomach twinges, since they used to do things like that, but it’s not his place to be jealous. _I still have feelings, but Yuugao is her own person who deserves to be happy, in whatever way she chooses_. Raidou thinks she’s settling, but he isn’t going to say something if she’s happy.

“Is he in a good mood?” Raidou asks. Yuugao shrugs.

“He’s Hokage.” Kakashi hasn’t been in a good mood, a genuine one, since his inauguration. Being with Yuugao takes the edge off, but everyone knows that he is more than ready for Naruto to be ready. However, that looks to be years away, and until then, Kakashi is in charge.

“Right,” he replies. “Have any plans today?”

“Well,” she hums, “that hoya you bought me is blooming.”

“It’s still alive?” Raidou bought it for her when they first started dating. It always gave them problems. Several times, they saved it from near death.

“Oh, yes,” she smiles, “Yamato found a really good book, all about hoya care.” Raidou smiles back.

“Good.”

It’s not so awkward, anymore. They had slept together, on and off, the first year and a half of their breakup. After their third pregnancy ‘scare,’ which he suspects to be her wishful thinking, he finally cut it off. They didn’t talk until Yuugao told him that she and Kakashi were an item. He still knows her favorite brand of juice and that she likes her coffee lukewarm, and Yuugao sometimes goes to sleep wishing he was snoring next to her and she still wears an old turtleneck he never bothered taking with him, but they both know that they are happier apart then they would be together.

“We should get lunch sometime,” she says in a bright voice.

“I don’t know,” he smiles, “I’m even older and uglier than the last time.” Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“That was three months ago.”

“So, you agree; I’m old and ugly.” He laughs at the annoyed expression on her face.

“Stop speaking so lowly of yourself.” She crosses her arms. He will never be ugly to her. Raidou shrugs.

“It would be weird if I weren’t self-deprecating,” he says, “it’s part of my charm.”

“Well, whatever. We should get lunch soon.” She says. “We can talk about nothing for an hour.”

“Nothing for an hour,” he hums.

“You can enjoy my _undivided_ attention,” she adds. Raidou smirks a little, because it’s those _wink-wink, nudge-nudge_ comments that remind him why they first chose each other. It didn’t work out the way they intended, but it means a lot to know that Yuugao is still a good friend. She knows him better than Kurenai, and that is a high bar.

“You free next Wednesday? I don’t work that day.” He says. She nods.

“There is going to be a plant sale at the garden center. You can come with Yamato and I.” She says.

“I’m not getting between you and Yamato,” Raidou says, “but I might give you a list and I’ll pay you back.” She nods.

“Say,” she says, “do you want a cutting of the hoya? It’s our baby.”

“That plant hates me.” He says. “I spent years trying to keep it from the brink of death, it never thrived under my care.” She gives him one of her wide-eyed looks, the kind that he finds hard to say no to. “Well, if you I think I ought to have a piece of it…” he trails off. “I guess I can take it.” Yuugao smiles at him.

“You won’t regret it.” She says, stepping back, “you better get back to work.” Raidou nods.

“Yeah, I better.” He watches her walk away and smiles to himself before walking into Kakashi’s office.

**

Yamato holds up two pencil crayons. One is cerulean and the other is sapphire. He clears his throat, getting Yuugao to look up from her coloring book. They do this on their afternoons off. She bought him a book on marine life, and hers is full of fairies.

“Which do you think is a better color for a dolphin?” he asks. She looks down at the pencil crayons between them, and she picks up the sky-blue pencil crayon.

“What about this one?” she asks. He shakes his head.

“It’s too expected.” He replies. She shrugs and sets it down.

“Blue, in general, is a little expected,” she says. She picks up her orange juice and takes a sip. Yamato frowns at the two options.

“I hate these kinds of decisions,” he says. Yuugao smiles.

“The negligible ones?” she says, “honestly, they are both very similar and I think either would look really nice.”

Yamato stares at the pencil crayons, before setting down the cerulean and choosing the sapphire blue. “I wish we lived in the ocean,” he says offhandedly, “we could be happy clams.”

“I’d like to think we would be squids,” she says, “something smart with a lot of arms.”

“Oh, I would want to be simple.” He hums the way that makes her mom’s eyes crinkle. Yuugao never felt like an inferior child until Yamato started coming to her family gatherings. Her mother and father adore him with an unmatched, single-minded intensity she hasn’t seen before. _Hayate, Raidou, Kakashi—who?_ Yuugao picks up a pink pencil crayon and starts coloring in a flower.

“Speaking of simple,” she says, “I ran into Raidou today.”

“Ran into Raidou,” he says, “doesn’t he work with Kakashi all the time?”

“I try to have lunch with Kakashi before he comes onto his shift.” She says, “we’re getting lunch soon.”

“You know, if you heard this during the year I spent peeling you off of your bathroom floor while you listened to sad music, you would have gauged my eyes out.” He says.

“Well, I was mourning the life I was going to have,” she says. “It’s still awkward, and there are times when he reminds me why I wanted to be with him, but it’s nice being able to be friends with him.” Yuugao picks up a yellow pencil. “He is very funny.”

“No one has ever looked at Raidou and thought of the word funny,” Yamato replies. Yuugao smiles.

“That’s because he’s subtle.” She says. Raidou has a very dark sense of humor. It hurts less, but she still wonders what happened to all those dirty photos she took for him. Yuugao imagines they are tucked in the dusty tin where he keeps the ones of Kurenai, from when they were together. She’s never told Raidou this but finding those photos in the tin where he keeps his birthday cards is what inspired her, even though she could tell that he hadn’t opened the box since his last birthday. Did he keep that dirty movie they made? She did. Yuugao only looks at it on special occasions, when his loss feels acute. She looks up at the hoya in the corner, tilting her head. “I’m going to give him a cutting of the hoya,” she says. Yamato frowns.

“Didn’t that plant hate him?” he asks.

“It didn’t hate him,” she says, “he saved it numerous times, actually.”

“He didn’t find that book though,” Yamato smiles to himself.

“He’s not resourceful like you,” she says. Yamato is someone who can survive anywhere. It’s freakish, the way he can survive almost any material conditions. Unlike a lot of the people they know, he really likes living.

Yamato sets his pencil crayon down and tucks his hand into his pocket. He pulls out a brochure and sets it on the table. “We should go to Paris,” he says.

“The city of love?” she asks. Yamato rolls his eyes.

“I want to see the architecture,” he replies, “you can eat bread and follow me around the city.”

“I can eat bread and follow you around,” she says, “you’re really selling me on this vacation.” Yamato smiles.

“Wine juice boxes,” he says. Yuugao’s eyes widen.

“Wine juice boxes?” she repeats. Yamato nods gravely.

“Wine juice boxes.” He repeats. Yuugao grabs her computer to look at flights.

**

Kurenai’s birthday is tomorrow. She is going to be forty-one, the year of no return. She is the first of the ‘summer birthdays’ as Mirai likes to call them. It goes Kurenai, Genma and Raidou. Genma and Raidou are mostly indifferent to their birthdays, but they concede that it is nice to have someone be so explicitly happy that they were born. Mirai is a good kid like that.

Kurenai has grown out her mom haircut, and she only has a few wrinkles around her eyes, but she still feels like an old woman. It’s probably because she hasn’t had sex since Asuma, but while she has been on dates, they were never quite right. No one ever got past date number two. Raidou reassures her that there is someone out there, all she has to do is wait. Genma told her to lower her standards.

As far as she knows, Raidou hasn’t gone on any dates. He isn’t plowing through women, but he does sleep around, leaving after dinner and coming home late. It makes her a little jealous, still, because, in her heart of hearts, in her ideal world, they would be together.

She sits across from Genma, who is eating, with Mirai at her side. Mirai is a chatty kid, and she is telling Raidou all about her day at the academy. Ostensibly, Kurenai and Genma are supposed to be listening too, but Raidou is the one who is the most active listener, asking questions and humming in agreement with Mirai.

Mirai is nine, the same age Kurenai and Asuma were when they graduated from the academy. Asuma is there, in her jaw and smile, and when she talks with her mouth full.

“Did you know that in England, you have to eat with your pinky sticking out?” Mirai asks. All three know that this is not the case, but Raidou and Kurenai reflexively do it. Genma smirks.

“We’re not in England,” he says. Mirai frowns at him.

“But we could pretend to be.” She replies.

“You’re demanding,” he says. Raidou glares at him.

“And you’re rude.” He says. Genma scowls at him.

“You always take her side,” he pouts. Raidou winks at Mirai, who beams up at him with the big smile she inherited from Asuma.

“This is while they’ll never let you into England,” Raidou says. Mirai grins.

“Never ever, _ever_ ,” she crows.

“You’ve created a monster,” Genma says, “both of you.” Mirai grins at Raidou, who shrugs. It makes Kurenai’s heart hurt.

**

Yuugao walks back into Kakashi’s office at 11 PM. It’s dark out, and she can tell that he is in the kind of mood where he is going to work himself and Shikamaru to death if she doesn’t step in. She pokes her head in and smiles when she sees him hunched over his desk. He looks up at her, blinking.

“Don’t come in here if you don’t have a gun.” He says. Yuugao doesn’t listen to him. She’s wearing one of her short dresses, even though she is thirty-five, as her mother likes to remind her. One of the unexpected perks of infertility, if it could be called that, is that her body hasn’t been stretched by motherhood. She would still give anything to have Raidou’s babies, but she is also happy with where she ended up. It could have been a lot worse.

Now, she’s making it with the Hokage. She walks across the office, saying nothing. “Did you not hear me?” he asks. Yuugao grins, sitting on the desk beside him. “Yuugao,” he hums.

“You’re going to work yourself to death.” She says.

“Such is the fate of the humble civil servant,” he replies, closing the file he is working on. She taps his leg with the side of her foot, and he watches the curtain of her hair swish. _How does it move like that?_ He could watch Yuugao’s hair all day.

“You don’t have to settle for misery,” she says, “you have options.” She kicks of her sandals, and places one foot on his thigh. She rubs a circle into his thigh with the ball of her foot, and he gives her an unimpressed look.

“Is this a come on?”

“Maybe,” she says, spreading her legs. He smirks when he sees that she isn’t wearing the sheer black panties he watched her pull on today. Kakashi crosses his arms and sits back.

It’s been just over seven years, but he isn’t really used to the blunt way she initiates sex. He asked her why she can’t just ask, and she replied that he doesn’t respond to her _just asking_. Kakashi suspects that she just likes making a show of it, and he won’t deny that it works for him.

“Yuugao,” he says, “are you trying to disrespect the office of the Hokage _and_ corrupt him?”

“If you stop referring to yourself in the third person.” Yuugao stands up, smooth her dress down her front. Kakashi places a hand on her thigh, running it up her skirt.

“I can do that,” he hums. Yuugao walks over to where he keeps his haori and picks it up. She puts it on her shoulders so that it hangs from them. She walks to Kakashi and stands in front of him. He tilts his head at her, swiveling his chair so that he can face her. “Why did you put more clothes on?”

“So, I can take this off,” she says, unzipping her dress, somehow keeping the haori on her shoulders while maneuvering out of the sleeves, pushing the dress down her hips. She didn’t wear a bra either.

“You’re defiling my uniform,” he drawls, watching her stick her arms through the haori, and pads over to him.

“Sex is sacred,” she hums, “I’m just making sure it’s extra special.” Yuugao climbs onto his lap and pulls his mask down, smiling at him.

“What?” he asks. She shrugs.

“You.” Yuugao presses her mouth to his. She’s very surprised by how soft and pretty he actually is. He’s still surprised that she actually gave him a chance all those years ago. There’s something about a ‘no’ turning into an enthusiastic ‘yes’ after all hope has been given up. Kakashi sort of gets why Asuma was so into Kurenai, willing to overlook her faults. Yuugao has never given him to be a reason to feel insecure, but he would overlook a few things to keep the peace.

Yuugao slips her tongue into his mouth as she reaches for the zipper of his pants. She came over here after realizing that Kakashi wasn’t going to come home and fuck her. She got off work early and spent the evening fingering herself, so she is more than ready to hop on.

“I was going to come home,” he mutters, grabbing her hips. Yuugao smiles.

“Not fast enough.” She makes her eyes extra big, like a cartoon character. “I’ve been thinking about you since this afternoon.” She kisses his jaw, and it makes him sweat a little. _Is this what Shikamaru meant when he tried to explain what thirsty means?_ Kakashi had overheard the term and asked Shikamaru, who had groaned at the question.

“I saw you at lunch.” He says. Yuugao unzips his pants and grins at his dick.

“So?” she asks, sitting up, “I’m very into you.” She strokes him, and he hums.

“Into me?” he kisses along her jawline as she lines herself up.

“Like, _so_ into you.” He could live forever on that one line.

One, two, three. He groans when they are together. Yuugao sighs with relief. She’d been a little wound up earlier before, but now, she feels like she can breathe again. She kisses him on the mouth as she starts rolling her hips. He took his flak jacket off, so it’s just her and the soft cotton of his shirt. She presses herself to him, wishing she could somehow get closer.

That’s the one drawback of sex with Kakashi; he always feels a little far away.

Yuugao moves ever faster, just to get his attention, but it’s not quite enough. “More,” she pants into his mouth. Kakashi doesn’t say anything. He just grabs her hips and moves harder to her faster. Between the two of them, they build the kind of overwhelming, big feeling that rises up, up, up and makes life possible. He hits all the hard to reach places and she pulls him close. She kisses up his neck, to kiss his ear.

“Blow my back out,” she sighs, and she yips when he bumps her hard instead of replying. The haori falls off her shoulders the faster they go, but it’s what she wants. She truly does not care if anyone were to walk in on them. _Can you give us a minute?_ That’s all she would need to say. She is as good as the Hokage’s wife.

Kakashi flicks her nipple ring and she quickly refocuses her attention on him. He is looking at her intensely, and she clenches around him, waiting for him to speak. He moves harder and she bites back a moan, gripping his shoulders for leverage.

“Blow your back out?” he asks.

“Break it.” She replies, kissing him deep. He hums around her tongue, digging his fingers into her hips and standing up. She wraps her legs around him and smiles into his mouth when she feels the cold glass of the window press against her back. She thinks about being ashamed, or embarrassed, but she doesn’t care. _Let everyone see_. She sighs when he starts moving faster, squeezing her legs around his waist, her nails digging into his shoulders. He moves hard and true, and he doesn’t even get mad when she shouts out when he bumps her cervix. It took a while for it to sink in that she really likes pain.

He adjusts the angle a little bit, coming up from below, and it feels like he is hitting the actual core of her, and she keeps chanting _more, more, more_. Yuugao is very much aware that she isn’t the kind of girl you say ‘no’ to. She presses her back into the window, kissing him. She’s very close, and it’s all slick and wet between them. Their hips roll together, until she sucks on his lower lip and murmurs ‘kill it.’ He thrusts so hard, she has to cling on to him, but it’s exactly what she wanted. Like he hits a bullseye inside of her. It hurts good, and they pant on each other for a solid minute before he sets her down and pulls the haori back up on her shoulders.

“I didn’t get any semen on it.” He says.

“Would you really care?” she asks, feeling very sore. He gives her an unimpressed look as he pulls his mask up. She notes that he does that while he lets his penis hang out of his pants.

“I would care, a little bit,” he says. Yuugao rubs her thighs together, eyeing his dick. He catches her, and sighs. “I will never know rest again.” Asuma told him once that after getting with Kurenai, he understands why Raidou always looks overworked. Kakashi completely understands what Asuma meant. Whenever Aoba asks if Kurenai and Raidou are fucking again, Kakashi points out that if they were, Raidou wouldn’t look like he is getting a full twelve hours a night.

If anything, Raidou looked like he had it worse than Asuma or Kakashi. Yuugao and Kurenai had to learn to be freaks from someone; Kakashi has a hard time believing that she came up with ‘blow out my back’ all by herself. It’s not a complaint, or something he is jealous of. It’s just a thing that he thinks about sometimes, like when she wants to have sex right after they do it, and it’s late at night.

“You can sleep when you’re dead.” She wraps her arms around his waist, looking up at him with puppy eyes.

“I have to get up early,” he says, “it’s Kurenai’s birthday, and Genma wants the dogs to ambush her. He and Mirai have it all planned out.” Yuugao’s face twitches, and she fails at keeping it neutral. “You could come, if you want.”

“No,” she says, “I…I really don’t want to go.” Yuugao isn’t actively bitter, but she will never forgive Kurenai for her role in the demise of her relationship with Raidou. Kakashi puts an arm around her waist, giving her a soft look.

“I don’t think anyone expected you to go.” He says. Yuugao looks up at him, an unreadable expression on her face. She doesn’t like bringing up the past, because she doesn’t want him to feel bad. She still loves Raidou in a big way, but she is in love with Kakashi.

“Fine,” she sighs, tucking his dick back into his underpants, and zipping his trousers back up. “We can go home so you can get your beauty sleep.” He smiles as she picks up her dress.

 _Thank you_.

**

Tomorrow morning, Kurenai will wake up and she will be forty-one years old. Kurenai hasn’t really thought about aging, until Genma told her that she would be decisively over the hill. He had smirked when he said it over dinner. She had simply narrowed her eyes instead of responding, but sitting on the patio, looking at the garden, she thinks about how Raidou was thirty-six when Mirai was born. He always has a way of going through both the big and small things before her; he was the first to kill a man; he was the first to sustain a major injury; he was the first to drive a car, to have sex.

The only things she ever beat him on was her promotion to jounin and having a child. She is alone, so she crosses her legs with her skirt on. She sighs, looking up at the stars. Everyone else has gone to bed, except Raidou, who is reading in the living room.

Kurenai feels him coming. The way his feet fall when he walks has been imprinted on her heart since she was five and he let her glom onto him. He opens the screen door and steps out. Saying nothing, he sits on the edge of the patio, his legs hanging over the edge.

“It’s an hour to midnight.” He says, looking out at the hedge.

“A whole hour until absolute, undeniable middle age.” Kurenai lets her legs out, so that they hang beside Raidou’s. Their calves brush.

“I won’t be the only one.” His wolfish smile comes out, and Kurenai feels her heart stop. It has been years, but she was never immune to him. But Asuma said it himself: he would want her to move on.

“You were never the only one.” She says quietly. “Sometimes, I think we will always be eighteen and twenty-two.” Raidou frowns. He sees where this is going.

“I don’t think I ever left that car,” Raidou replies, and Kurenai nods. She hasn’t either.

“I still feel the wheel on my lower back,” she smiles, “it is intrusive.” Raidou chuckles beside her, looking straight ahead.

“It’s hard.” He says, “it’s still hard.” He looks down at the grass, and Kurenai visibly wilts.

“Yah.” It was always hard. The skin between her breasts still prickles when she thinks about the way his stubble would scratch against her.

They turn to look at each other at the same time. She smiles and leans towards him. He doesn’t move towards her, but he doesn’t stop her like he should. Time is a blink, and suddenly her hands are back in his hair, and he pulls her towards him. She still tastes the same, and it’s like no time has passed at all. If it weren’t for the grey on his temples and her softer stomach, it is like they are still eighteen and twenty-two with their lives ahead of them.

Kurenai has her hands on his face, his neck, his shoulders. He is all the same. It makes her want to cry, but she holds her tears in. She hasn’t been touched since Asuma, and for it to be Raidou, well, it’s more than she deserves. She doesn’t deserve this kindness. She broke his heart ten times over, and for him to take her back like this is more than she deserves. His arms are around her waist, and she presses herself close to him.

Bodies don’t forget each other. It is a primordial kind of truth. There is no new territory, no big change. It is just a relief to touch again. Kurenai kisses his lower lip, and his hands are up her skirt and pressing into her lower back. She moans into his mouth, and he smiles.

“Nothing has changed,” he mutters, and she smiles.

“No,” she says, “nothing has.” Raidou pulls away, and they look at each other for a second. Kurenai rubs her thumb over his scar in her special way, and Raidou exhales and Kurenai smiles. He had missed her fingers, and she the ridges of his scar.

“Remember how you got this?” Kurenai will never forget.

“Yes.” He sees the memory every day.

He had been fifteen, and Kurenai eleven. Their sensei and Asuma were with them, and they were on a mission. Things went sideways, and Raidou took a hit in the face meant for her. She had screamed. The face has a lot of blood vessels, and it looked so much worse than it was. She put both her hands over his face, the blood running through her fingers, and their sensei took the opportunity to fend off the enemy.

Her sensei had told her to never scream like that again, as he had pried her hands from Raidou’s face to look at the damage. _It’ll scar_ , he said. He turned to Kurenai, _maybe you’ll move faster next time._ She had cried the whole time she bandaged Raidou’s face, even after he asked her not to. Their sensei was an emotionally stunted prick. He didn’t know how else to tell them that he was glad they were okay.

“You first sounded like a man when you told me not to cry.” Kurenai murmurs, “do you remember?” Raidou nods his head.

“So, where do we go from here?” he always asked the hard questions. Kurenai strokes his scar with her thumb, looking into his eyes.

“Bed.”

**

They had padded back into the house, sneaking around like they did when they were young, and her parents were still alive. Through the kitchen and up the stairs, to the room at the end of the hall. They don’t hold hands. They are well past that stage of intimacy.

When they are finally in her bedroom, Kurenai closes the door as Raidou takes his shirt off. “It’s weird,” he says, “doing this in your parents’ room.” Kurenai shrugs, pulling off her own shirt.

“When have our lives been normal?” she asks, throwing her blouse over the chair in the corner.

“Do you think they made you in here?” Raidou smirks, and Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“Probably.” She is well over the age where you accept that you only exist because two people decided to fuck without protection. She unzips her skirt and throws it over the chair too.

“Do you want to deal with my underwear?” Kurenai asks, unhooking the clasp of her bra. Raidou shrugs. When they were younger, he had a thing for ripping off her underwear. He isn’t that person anymore. He has grown, after all.

Kurenai steps out of her underwear and throws it, with her bra, into the hamper. Raidou watches her. There are stretchmarks on her belly, but they only add to her appeal. It’s so visceral that he can’t explain why. They just make his tummy flip flop.

She steps up to him and unbuttons his pants. She smiles up at him. “Should I blow you?” Raidou feels his body clench.

“It’s your birthday,” he says, “I should probably give you head.” Raidou really, really, _really_ doesn’t want to undo all the progress he has made. He doesn’t know if he would let another woman put her mouth around him again. Unlike Yuugao, he doesn’t think he could be so honest with Kurenai. She smirks, knowing she has him.

“Is that a no?” Kurenai pushes his pants down. Raidou swallows.

“It’s a maybe later.” He hums. Kurenai shrugs, pulling his underwear down. He steps out, and they are both naked. Kurenai notices that he has more scars than he used to. Thirteen years asserts itself as she touches one on his abdomen.

“It’s from the war.” He says. From his brother. The one she didn’t fight in.

Kurenai places a hand on his cheek. She never thought of Yuugao as Raidou’s actual partner. Raidou was always bound to her, not Yuugao. It’s a selfish thing to think, but it is the truth. When he leans in to kiss her, it feels less and less like a selfish thought, and just the simple truth. His tongue is in her mouth, his hands are around her waist, and his chest pressed to hers. He belongs to her.

Raidou moves them onto the bed, pulling her along as she laughs into his mouth. She ends up on top of him, and for a second, they make eye contact and it knocks the wind out of Kurenai. He is just so _handsome_. It hurts. Asuma was good looking, and Kakashi is properly beautiful, and Genma is a vulpine sort of pretty—but Raidou is just plain handsome. Like the trees and the grass and the river that feeds the forest. Birdsong handsome. He is the world.

He motions for her to sit on his face, and she doesn’t argue. Kurenai would probably be self-conscious, if it were anyone but Raidou. She closes her eyes, and groans when his tongue is against her. Does she feel guilty for any of the harm she commits by being with him again? Kurenai sighs, because she feels no guilt, even though she ought to. What would their students think, she wonders, if they knew how messy their teachers actually were? When she sees Ino, Hinata, Sakura or Tenten on the street, sometimes Kurenai wants to pull them aside and tell them to be as selfish as boys will let them. You can get a lot of good orgasms that way. They’re all pretty enough, and Kurenai has never regretted wasting a man’s time. Probably because Raidou has never tried to hold her accountable. 

When Raidou finds the exact spot, and she throws her head back, eyes wide open. She doesn’t scream, but she does a growl-whimper, a weird noise that he has only ever heard her make. He licks her again, just for posterity, but she moves away before he can make her come again. Raidou looks up at her and her open legs, and he smiles when he sees what he did to her, what he made her feel. He can tell that there are a few aftershocks. It makes him feel good to know that he can still touch her like he did.

“You haven’t changed.” She pants. He smirks and rolls over to hover over her.

“You know me,” he drawls, “I’m steady.” She splits herself for him, and he doesn’t know what he was expecting, but he certainly thought that there would be more hesitation on her part.

“Do you have a condom?” Raidou asks.

“I’m clean,” Kurenai says. She was last tested a few months after she gave birth, but she hasn’t had sex with anyone since Asuma.

“I don’t want to be someone’s dad.” Raidou murmurs. Kurenai nods.

“I have an IUD.” Another thing she didn’t think she would need, but she is grateful that Shizune talked her into it.

If he is going to hell, Kurenai will be right there with him, judging by the way she inhales his top lip. Raidou lines himself up, and on her third inhale, he slides in. Kurenai sighs into his mouth as Raidou begins to move. Their bodies are different, but the rightness between them hasn’t changed one bit. When something feels this good, it cannot be wrong.

Raidou keeps waiting for the guilt that never comes. There is no guilt because there is only pleasure. It has always been like this between him and Kurenai.

She wraps herself around him, wanting more. She wants to feel him in every pore, every last cell of her body. He is her soulmate, and she has finally welcomed him home.

“Faster,” she pants against his jaw. Raidou shakes his head. It doesn’t matter how fast she wants him to go, he will only give it to her slow.

“No can do.” He slows down, although he does go harder.

“Why?” Kurenai whines. She wants him to make her come so hard that she can’t think straight, and, historically, that happens when she gets pounded into oblivion. Asuma thought it was inefficient, but he still gave it to her. But Raidou wouldn’t be himself if he were a doormat.

“It’s been awhile,” he murmurs, “we’re older and I would like to enjoy my time inside you.” He kisses her, and she melts a little more. He smiles, because he can feel it.

He likes kissing her and moving in a slow cadence. It matches the tenderness he feels about her. If he were younger and after her approval, he would have given in, but he is old enough to know when he knows better. Slower but stronger is the way to go.

Raidou looks right into her crimson eyes, for what feels for the first time in thirteen years. Raidou can never get over how beautiful she is. She is the prettiest girl he has ever seen, and it will probably always be that way.

Kurenai has a very distinct noise she makes when she is about to come. It starts in the back of her throat, and when the hum starts Raidou smiles, knowing she will have to admit that he was right. She expects it to come fast, but it just keeps building and building, until she can’t stand it. She starts moving her hips faster, and Raidou finally gives it to her, and it feels like the moment before a spark, and she is done for.

When Raidou follows her a moment after, she digs her nails so hard into his back that she draws blood. Eight red crescent moons. An omen. He kisses her sternum, the way he always did. Like they completed a ritual. When she falls asleep, he pulls away. Raidou puts his underwear on, and steps out into the hall, holding his clothes. He walks down to the hall, when he hears Genma poke his head out of his room. Raidou stops, and it takes a second for Genma to realize that Raidou was leaving Kurenai’s room at 1 AM.

He isn’t disappointed, exactly. Just an emotion that is close to it. Instead of saying something, Raidou wordlessly walks into his own room, locking the door.

**

Kurenai is woken up by the clattering of nails on hardwood and Genma humming and Mirai squealing. She opens her eyes to Mirai, held aloft by Genma’s hands under her armpits, and all of Kakashi’s dogs leaping onto her bed.

Genma places Mirai onto Kurenai’s chest, before shoving some of the dogs off the bed and lying down beside her. “Happy birthday mommy!” Mirai shouts. Kurenai winces. Kakashi saunters in and lies on her other side.

“You are all so loud,” Kurenai allows herself to whine.

“Stop complaining,” Genma says, “we are just showing you how much we love you.” Kakashi nods, and Mirai giggles while the dogs bark. “Isn’t that right, Mirai?”

“Yes!” Mirai throws her hands in the air, and Genma laughs. Living with him is like having two children instead of one.

Kurenai wonders where Raidou is, when he saunters in, and stands at the end of the bed. “Happy birthday, Kurenai.” He smiles. He had saved it for later this morning. Saying it after sex would be cheesy. Kurenai smiles at him, and Genma and Kakashi can just tell.

“How old are you?” Mirai asks. Kurenai groans.

“I really don’t want to remember.”

“She and Raidou are as old as the dinosaurs!” Genma says, and he roars while Mirai does her best impression of a t-rex, tucking up her arms and making her hands look like claws. Kakashi laughs, and even Raidou smiles.

“We were born in the same year!” Kurenai thumps Genma. He smirks.

“You are a _whole month_ older.” Kurenai narrows her eyes in response.

“You really are a Cancer.” Genma cackles right in her ear, making Mirai laugh and Kurenai consider actually killing him.

Raidou snorts, and walks over to the side of the bed, leaning over Kakashi and picking Mirai up.

“Time for breakfast,” he says. Mirai squeals as he hoists her up and into his arms. She is nine, but she still likes when Raidou treats her like a little kid. She laughs as he hoists her over his shoulder. “I think the dogs need to go outside too.” He motions with his arms, and the dogs follow him as he leaves Kurenai’s room. She watches his back, biting her lip. Kakashi rolls his eyes, and Genma snorts.

“So, you and Raidou.” Kakashi says, “when were you going to tell us?” Kurenai crosses her arms, showing her bare shoulders. She was never going to tell them. It isn’t their business.

“Are you naked?” Genma asks. Kurenai sighs.

“Was it an early birthday gift?” Kakashi quips. Kurenai blushes, and Genma smirks.

“This is not how I pictured seeing you naked.” Kurenai sits up on her elbows, turning to glare at Genma. Kakashi looks away from the way her neck flows down into her shoulders.

“You should have more respect,” Kurenai says, “I am older than you.”

“Oh,” Genma replies, “am I supposed to respect for the person who broke Raidou’s heart and is now pulling him back into her mess?” Kurenai grunts in response and flops onto her pillow, crossing her arms. She has no response to that one.

“C’mon, teasing is the least you deserve.” Kakashi says quietly. Her bed smells mostly like her, but Raidou’s scent is still there. “You have a thing for guys you work with.” He decides not to mention Yuugao.

“Do you think it is the uniform?” Genma asks. Kakashi _hmmms_.

“Maybe it is the olive green that gets her worked up.” He says it in a bright and cheery tone, like he is suggesting that they should order pizza for dinner.

Kurenai slinks down under the covers, since she can’t pull them up over her head. Kakashi and Genma watch her slide down, and they smile, satisfied that she is, at least, a little embarrassed.

“Maybe we should stop teasing Kurenai,” Kakashi says, “it is her birthday.”

“Why are you two still here?” she groans from under the covers. Genma looks down under the covers, looking at the top of her head.

“Because we love you.” Genma replies, “even though you don’t appreciate it.” Kurenai bursts up from under the covers, making the two men nearly slide off. She wraps her duvet around her top.

“Of course, I appreciate you two,” she hisses. Her eyes are narrow, and she is uncharacteristically huffy. Kakashi thinks it is kind of hot.

Genma goes to open his mouth, when they hear a clanging coming the kitchen. Raidou does this thing on his days off and he makes breakfast, where he will use pots and pans to make a drum set for Mirai. They all thought that she would grow out of it, but here she is, nine years old and still banging pots and pans for amusement. Sometimes, the dogs join her. Kakashi winces at the noise, covering his ears. Genma pouts at Kurenai.

“He is going to be extra fussy on your birthday.” Genma’s eyes get wide. “You know how he is in the kitchen.” Kurenai sides, and hunches over, exposing her back.

“He can be so destructive sometimes.” She murmurs. “If you two get up, I will go downstairs and deal with him.”

“We don’t get to see you naked?” Genma quips. Kurenai moves so quickly that Kakashi rolls off the bed, and Genma squawks as he fails to dodge her thump to his chest.

**

Raidou has pointedly avoided talking to Kurenai about what the sex they had means, exactly. He doesn’t know what he thinks about it, so he wants to talk to Shin to see what he should do about it. He has feelings about it, of course, but he doesn’t know whether or not it is safe to act on them. He doesn’t regret their time together, but he doesn’t want to return to that intense, soul-consuming place either.

The truth is that he only feels just put together. He doesn’t want to risk that, not even for Kurenai.

He explains all of this to Shin, who stopped taking notes halfway in and just sat and listened. Raidou doesn’t go into explicit detail, and he frequently digresses into all the reasons that he doesn’t think he and Kurenai will work. All of those reasons can be boiled down to this: Raidou just isn’t convinced that she really wants him the way that he wants her.

“I don’t know, I’m just at the age where I want stability,” he says, “like, if I am going to be in a relationship, I want it to be stable.” He feels like he learned the lesson the first time around. He doesn’t need it again. Shin nods at him, setting his hands in his lap.

His daughter became a therapist too. They share a practice now. Sometimes Raidou sees that Uchiha kid in the waiting room; well, he isn’t a kid anymore, but it’s weird to think of him as an adult who is trying to do the responsible thing and become a better person.

“While I truly appreciate your honesty,” Shin says, “and your capacity for self-reflection has grown exponentially, I really do think that this is a conversation you should have with Kurenai.” Raidou blinks, dumbfounded.

“Why?”

“Well, it’s your feelings about her, and the kind of relationship you would want to have with her if you two were to try again.” Shin waves his hands like this is all obvious and low stakes.

“But—”

“But what?” Shin asks. Raidou blinks.

“What if everything falls apart?” he says in a small voice. Shin sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

How could it fall apart? At this stage in the game, after everything that has happened between you two, how could sitting down and having a conversation about the kind of relationship you want to have with her be the thing that destroys your relationship?” Shin doesn’t see why any of this is so hard.

“What if she gets mad at me? What if Yuugao gets hurt?” Raidou rubs his temples. “It would be confusing for Mirai, and Genma will never let me live it down if it goes badly.” All his special people hurt in one swoop.

“Why would Kurenai be mad at you for asking? She had sex with you.” Not for the first time, Shin wonders if Raidou has been kicked in the head one too many times. “And isn’t Yuugao dating your friend?” Shin asks. He completely ignores the question of Mirai and Genma. Raidou blinks.

“Kurenai’s feelings have always been a mystery to me. As for Yuugao, I just can’t imagine the news going down well.” Not after everything he put her through. He knows that a significant part of his friendship with Yuugao is predicated upon the fact that he isn’t with Kurenai, and he wants to treat Yuugao with the care that he should have, all along.

“The only way you can deal with Kurenai is to have a conversation. Yuugao wants you to be happy. Besides, she is dating your friend.” Shin says, “she really can’t say anything.” Raidou bites the lining of his cheek.

“I don’t want to hurt them.” Raidou says. Shin sighs.

“I think knowing that you purposefully settle for being unhappy to keep them comfortable would hurt Yuugao and Kurenai much more than maintaining relationships with them that are built on trust, honesty and mutual respect.” Shin says. “You always think about what the people closest to you are feeling, but you always forget to consider that you can only be present for them when you feel your best.”

Finally, Raidou speaks his true fear. “What if I get hurt?”

“What if you don’t?”

**

Kurenai sits next to Genma on the couch. They are watching a show about aliens, like they always do, when she decides to try and talk to him about what happened with Raidou. She hasn’t had a chance to talk about it with him yet, which she thinks Raidou has done on purpose. She can’t blame him. Kurenai is aware that she has caused him a lot of pain over the years. But it felt good to have him inside of her again, to fall asleep next to him, to press her face into him and tell him all secrets you can only share late at night with the person lying next to you.

She’s been thinking about what happened. How good it felt to be with him, how he has been there for her and Mirai. The fact that she has loved him since she was a little girl. She feels melty and expansive, something she hasn’t felt in a long, long time.

It’s a feeling of completeness, something she only shares with Raidou. It’s been keeping her up at night, and if it weren’t for Genma and Mirai, she would have caved and crawled into Raidou’s bed by now. But there are people who need them to be okay, and that won’t be the case if they slip back into whatever they were doing before.

“Genma?” she asks quietly.

“Yeah?” he grunts, looking at her. “What?”

“I had sex with Raidou.” She says.

“We’ve established this,” he drawls, looking back at the television.

“No, I mean…I mean I want to be with Raidou,” she says, “it’s him. It has always been him.” Genma blinks at her.

“What?”

“I want to do it right,” she says, “I want him back.” Back in two senses of the word. In the sense that she reciprocates his feelings for her, and in the sense that she wants to be his partner again. Genma blinks at her again. “Will you stop doing that and say something?”

“Sorry,” he says, “I’m just trying to wrap my head around the fact that I might have to live through another round of fuckery.”

“It’s not fuckery!” She hisses, “I want to do it right this time. With intention and purpose.” For a relationship that feels like grand design, Kurenai can admit that she and Raidou frequently just fall into it. Genma looks at her closely, before sighing, deep.

“You better do it right this time,” he says, “or Mirai and I are going to move in with Aoba’s mom.” Kurenai nods. _We’re going to finally figure it out_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, making happy, positive choices. We're in the home stretch! It feels weird to be finishing this and my thesis, since they are both such big projects that mean a lot, but here I am. Thank you for reading and leaving comments! They really motivate me, and I always get a kick out of them. They do mean a lot to me, and it's incredible to see characters that mean a lot to me have a life outside of my head. 
> 
> As a little *thank you* and to feed the little drama monsters in us all, I've prepared some bonus material. Stuff that doesn't fit in the narrative, but gives a backstory. The next chapter is the first of those. The others will be posted after the last chapter. Thank you for reading :)


	23. Fake Blood (Corn Syrup)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ending and a beginning. 
> 
> This is a bonus chapter. Feel free to skip and come back to it at the end.

“I just wanna make time for ya”

Ariana Grande, “nasty”

It’s no secret: Yuugao is a masochist. She likes the kind of pain that lingers for days. When she gets papercuts, she presses down into them with her nails. It’s because she likes feeling like a person, and pain does that for her. Yamato told her that her masochism would be the death of her, and while she can’t disagree, she pointed out that there is nothing better than being _a nasty freak_. He wrinkled his nose and replied that he was talking about the papercuts, not her sex life.

It’s been a year and a half, and Raidou is still the only man who gets to fuck her. Yamato pointed out that she could have, _literally_ , anyone. She pouted and said that she can’t have him, and he had the courtesy to blush. Yamato doesn’t like her like that, but it felt good to see him get flustered. It’s not her fault that Raidou is so good to her. Hayate is her soulmate, but when Raidou is inside her, she feels like they were brought together by a higher cosmic force. 

She sits beside him on her couch, smiling up at him. She is wearing a new dress today. It’s a leather sheath, burgundy and butter soft. It’s sleeveless and fitted, with a high neckline. It says, as her mother would say, _invitation only_. Yuugao knew, when she saw the way Raidou looked at her, that he wasn’t going to say no to her. She’s late again, a whole month this time. He bought the test, and now they are sitting together, waiting. They both know it is hopeless, but it can’t hurt to try.

The truth is that Raidou hasn’t been seeing anyone else either. He is just as in love with Yuugao as she is with him, which is to say, very. His arm is around her, and she has pressed herself against him, her legs over his. His finger traces a circle over her deltoid.

“How was your day?” he asks her. Yuugao shrugs.

“It was fine.” She likes to pretend that he still lives here, and that they are still together. He does too.

“I like your new dress,” he says, fingering the leather. It’s the most expensive piece of clothing she owns. He can tell by the way the leather feels: supple. She put a movie on, because she wants an excuse to not go check the test in the bathroom.

“That’s why I wore it,” she says, resting her head on his chest. He sets his hand on her waist and looks down at her.

“It makes me want to take it off.” He says this into the side of her head. “Please?” Yuugao feels a shiver across her shoulder and up her neck, resting her head on his chest.

“Soon,” she says quietly. Raidou kisses the back of her neck, and she sighs. She enjoys little moments like this, where she can pretend that he still lives with her. They both know it’s for the best that they are apart, but that doesn’t mean it feels that way. There is a sharp divide between what they think and how they feel about their relationship.

If love were enough to solve all their problems, they’d have a baby and an apartment with even more plants, and maybe a dog. Raidou would quit assassinations and Yuugao would take leave from Anbu, and they would be a happy family. Yuugao wouldn’t even mind having Kurenai and Mirai around, and Raidou would concede that, yes, Yamato and Genma will have active roles in their child’s life. They’d be so mind numbingly happy, that even the bad things wouldn’t hurt.

He rubs her back, not really thinking. Raidou just enjoys coming over here and getting to sit beside her. Yuugao is a very easy person for him to be around. She’s gentle, thoughtful and she always meets him at his level. In all honesty, while Kurenai is certainly too pretty for him, Yuugao is too good for him. She deserves the world. He knows he shouldn’t have unprotected sex with her, because they both always hope for the impossible. After every hit they’ve taken, he doesn’t know if they could get back together again, but they would be able to effectively co-parent.

This scare is going to be really bad when the test comes back negative. A month ago, he slipped and growled that he was going to put a baby in her, _if it’s the last thing I_ _do_. Yuugao gasped and told him to go harder, so the shame and guilt didn’t hit until after, as he watched her sleep. He’s not a bad person so much as he is a stupid person. Incurably dumb. Perpetually thoughtless. He told Genma and Aoba, who both looked at him like he said that the Earth is flat. Apparently, he’s not stupid, just crazy.

Yuugao looks up at him, her eyes lidded. She doesn’t ask if she can kiss him. She knows the answer. He smiles when she puts a hand on his face and reaches for his mouth with her own. She put on the kind independent, coming of age film that you can put on and ignore right away. Raidou watches the protagonist stare at their love interest at a high school dance.

When the protagonist works up the nerve to ask for a dance, Raidou closes his eyes and lets Yuugao put her tongue in his mouth. He pulls her dress up so she can straddle him, and he feels a swell of hope in his chest. _Maybe there is a baby in you_. He can move back in, and they can go to therapy, and he will do whatever she wants, and they can be happy.

Shin tells him that happiness is something that can only be nurtured in the present. Raidou knows he is right but boy, does he wish Shin was wrong.

Yuugao runs her hands through his hair, and he touches her legs, the curve of her back. She sighs into his mouth, and she thinks about how badly she wants to have sex with him. Yuugao doesn’t think he knows how much she wants him, or if he does, he doesn’t know how overwhelming it is for her. She has spent all day thinking about him; she even had to go to the bathroom at work at finger herself, not even to orgasm, but just to take the edge off.

“I fingered myself at work because of you,” she says offhandedly. Raidou grins at her.

“Really?”

“I didn’t have time to have fun,” she sighs, “it was to take the edge off.” She kisses him again, and he smiles into her mouth.

“I’ll fix that,” he kisses her chin, moving his hand between her legs. She smiles when he slips past the lace of her panties.

His fingers find the spot that’s been itching all day, and she closes her eyes, pressing her face into his neck. It just feels nice to be close to him, breathing in his man smell, feeling his fingers inside of her. Raidou presses his cheek against the side of her head, humming. He likes fingering. It’s a very relaxing activity, in the sense that he gets to sit back and watch as opposed to being in the action. Yuugao kisses his neck, gasping when he hits the right spot.

“Keep going?” he asks.

“Don’t ever stop,” she decides to leave a hickey in his neck. Raidou uses his other hand to completely pull her underwear to the side, and she sucks on the hickey when he slides another finger in.

“Forever is a big ask,” he replies.

“I’m worth it.” She says, kissing his jaw. He grins instead of responding and lets his hands answer. She’s soft and wet for him, and she moans when he hits an especially sensitive spot. “Right _there_ ,” she groans when he grazes the exact spot inside of her that has been bugging her all day. He grins, going over it again and again and again, until she’s screaming his name. He will never get tired of how his name sounds in her mouth.

She sits up, resting her hands on his stomach. He brushes some hair off of her lip, and she opens her mouth to suck his thumb. Raidou blinks at her, thinking about how much he likes her mouth.

“You like me so much,” he says, a little dumbfounded. Raidou sees himself as a regular guy. He never understood Kurenai’s fixation on him, and he will never understand why Yuugao desires him the way she does. “Where do you want to go?”

“Bed,” she says. “Carry me?” Raidou grins.

“Okay,” he stands up, carrying her with no effort. She giggles into his neck, because it is a lot of fun pretending that they live in the alternate universe where she is pregnant.

Raidou sets her down so she stands up, and he very carefully, finds the zipper of her dress, and pulls it down. Her back is revealed, and he presses his mouth to the knot of her spine. He steps back to undress, and she pulls her dress off. She’s naked before he is; she sits back on the bed, waiting for him. When he joins her, he moves over her, between her and the world. She wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him in. He kisses her neck as she pants, pressing her open hands into his back, arching her back to press her tummy up into his.

It’s sweaty and gross. He rests his forehead on hers, looking into her eyes, breathing into her mouth, and she thinks _yes, yes, yes this is how our lives are supposed to be_. He makes her feel intense and hot, like her insides are on fire, in a nice way. The movie is loud, so they can hear it, but it is background noise.

“Baby,” she murmurs, and he gives it harder. He wants to fuck her so hard that she can’t use the pet name. It hurts to hear her say it, and he isn’t a masochist, not like her. She arches up into him, their tummies pressed together, and she sighs big for both of them when he drives home.

He rolls off of her, and she immediately presses herself to his side, resting her head on his chest. He puts an arm around her, and the stare off into space. “It’s wild that this was my home for years.” Yuugao swallows. Time to break the spell.

“It’s not the same, baby.” He twirls a lock of her hair around his finger. They both know that her scares are more wishful thinking than anything else. Raidou doesn’t want to hurt her anymore, and that means not participating in the delusion.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asks.

“Sex is only good when it hurts,” she replies.

“That’s not what I meant,” he says. He lives in Kurenai’s house, but he doesn’t want to be with her, not right now. He doesn’t even let himself think of her as an option.

“I’m sorry,” Yuugao says.

“I’m sorrier,” he sighs, disentangling himself. “I’m going to go check the test.” He stands up, and she watches him leave the bedroom. He’s back in less than five minutes, brow furrowed. He wordlessly gets back into bed, opening his arms to her. Yuugao’s face puffs up, and she knows that this is the end. Neither of them can live through this disappointment again. “I’m sorry,” he mutters into her neck. Yuugao searches for his mouth and kisses him deep. He lets her roll over on top of him, so she can take him inside one last time.

**

The next day, she calls Yamato from her bathroom floor. She is wearing sweatpants, one of Raidou’s old shirts, and she hasn’t brushed her teeth since he kissed her last night. In other words, Yuugao is kind of a mess.

“Yamato,” she says, “I need you to remind me why I need to get off the bathroom floor.”

“You’ll break out,” he replies.

“You know, considering how much time I down spend here and how good my skin looks, I don’t think that’s the case.” She rolls onto her back, looking up at a spider crawling on the ceiling. “It’s over.”

“What’s over?” he says.

“Raidou is never going to fuck me again,” she says, blinking rapidly. She doesn’t want to tear up over something that she knew was coming. Yamato sighs.

“What did it?”

“I had another pregnancy scare,” she says, “I was a whole month late.” Yamato is certain that Raidou continues to have unprotected sex with Yuugao for the same reason she does. _Maybe, just maybe_. Babies can’t fix anything, but no other child would be as wanted as that one. Everyone sees how Raidou looks at Mirai, and how Yuugao can’t stand to look at her.

“You two are predictable.” He says. Yuugao exhales, loudly.

“We’re in love.” She tears up, “I just want his babies.”

“I know,” Yamato says softly. Yuugao lets the tears fall, but they aren’t big or ugly. They are delicate, like glass beads.

“Sometimes, I feel like his babies are little ghosts inside of me, kicking my guts and cutting me up inside just to taunt me.” She places an open hand on her stomach and feels the emptiness there.

“So vulgar,” Yamato says, trying to shift the tone of the conversation.

“Who am I going to swap spit with?” she sighs. Yamato rolls his eyes.

“Someone who doesn’t make you feel like you should lie down on the bathroom floor like you’re a dying animal.” He says. Yuugao makes a noise in the back of her throat. “Do I need to come peel you off of the floor?”

“Could you?” she asks, her voice brightening. “I’ll make lunch.” Yamato huffs on the other side.

“Okay,” he says, “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

**

Yuugao is walking to her office, when she bumps into Kakashi. He has a bunch of files tucked under his arm, and he has the hunted look of all upper-level bureaucrats who never have a moment of peace.

“Hi,” he says. Yuugao smiles up at him.

“How are you?” she asks.

“Alive,” he replies. She snorts.

“That’s a bare life.” She likes his sense of humor. In all honesty, she wishes they were better friends. _If only he didn’t like-like me_. He is no Hayate or Raidou, but she would be lying if she said that she hadn’t considered it. “Want to go get a drink tonight?” Kakashi blinks at her, tilting his head.

“Like a date?” he asks.

“Like two people who know each other and would like to spend more time together.” She smiles.

“Who says I want to spend time with you?” he replies. Yuugao shrugs.

“Instinct.” The kind that makes her want to lick his jaw. It helps that she will never miss him so much that Yamato will have to peel her off of the floor _. I won’t let him know that I would fuck him quite yet_. Kakashi snorts and tells her that he’ll see her at eight.

**

_This doesn’t hurt_. It’s Kakashi’s mantra. His numinous sound. His therapist suggested that he post _I am my ideal self_ on the back of his front door, but he declined for obvious reasons. So, he wrote something else. _This doesn’t hurt_. It really encapsulates all he wants to achieve in his later years. To reach the sweet place where none of this, in all its unqualified this-ness, bothers him. He’s good at compartmentalizing, but that doesn’t work when he is alone at home.

It’s why he reads pulp novels. They are easy to digest, and they keep his attention. He will gladly spend entire pay cheques on books, just to avoid being with himself. He likes who he is, for the most part. He just doesn’t like to think of the price he paid to get there. _Mom. Dad. Obito. Rin. Minato_. There are people who have paid more. People who never had anything to start. He’s luckier than a lot of people.

That doesn’t make it better. It’s a bare life argument, to say that he is lucky for simply knowing love. He wants to achieve more than mere living.

He sits across the table, looking at Yuugao. She is wearing a black dress. Sleeveless, so he can see her arms. Her hair is up in a high ponytail, probably because it is so hot. It pulls her features up, making her face look sharper than it is. Feline.

 _So, why would this hurt?_ Well, they made out two years ago, but they stopped because of her boyfriend. _This will be a lot more fun after you dump Raidou_. Kakashi kicks himself for saying it, every day. Yuugao had gotten off of him and started getting dressed. He wouldn’t like her as much if she had shrugged and kept going, but nonetheless he wishes they had gone further. Maybe it makes him a bad person, but he has done a hell of a lot worse in his life, so wanting to fuck a friend’s girlfriend is chump change. He sips his beer, watching her swish hers around in her mouth.

Loneliness is what drove Yuugao to seek Kakashi’s company in the first place. Infertility and an emotionally absent boyfriend will do that to girl. But she wanted Raidou, all along. Now, after a year of back and forth, hot sex and petty arguments, they have both come to the accept the depressing fact that they won’t work out. Raidou told her that he wants her to be _happy,_ like it makes up for his emotional unavailability. They were in the same meeting today. He smiled at her and brought her coffee; they aren’t together, but he hasn’t yet broken the habit of looking out for her.

So, here she is, once again, drinking with Kakashi. He is someone who appreciates silence. So did Hayate and Raidou _. I have a type_. Although, Kakashi is actually really pretty, under that mask of his. Neither Hayate nor Raidou could be described as pretty. Handsome? Yes. Pretty? Decisively not. She puts her hand on her chin and looks right into Kakashi’s impassive eyes. _You do a very good job of pretending not to care_. For such a show-off, he prefers to hide in plain sight.

“So,” she sighs.

“So,” he repeats.

“Is there a girl?” she asks. Kakashi narrows his eyes slightly, but only for a second.

“No. The Sixth is content to live out his days in peace,” he deadpans. Yuugao frowns.

“You are talking about yourself in the third person.” She replies.

“Am I?” he asks, sounding bored. Yuugao taps the table with her fingers. She has very delicate hands. Kakashi feels a familiar itch in his own.

“Don’t you want more for yourself?” she asks.

“I’m the Sixth Hokage,” he deadpans. She frowns.

“We both know that doesn’t mean anything.” She replies. Yuugao has worked in Anbu since she was a child. She knows, better than most, how little all of this really means. Kakashi sighs. He long ago stopped thinking about things like romance or girls. He isn’t comfortable, being close to people.

“I think I have earned the right to a simple life without intrigue.” He says, sipping his beer. Yuugao nods off, looking away.

“Your problem is that you are emotionally unavailable,” she says.

“Emotionally unavailable,” he hums, repeating her again. He doesn’t need to add a comment. She nods, but she doesn’t say anything. Her eyes make her look like she is faraway. Kakashi finds himself wishing he was there with her.

When her gaze flicks back to him, she is smiling. “It’s weird seeing both of your eyes.” Kakashi unclenches.

“It’s weird knowing you have a nipple ring and a tattoo on your butt,” he says. Yuugao smirks.

“You lack imagination when it comes to women,” she says, “it’s because of Jiraiya’s dirty books.” Kakashi grins. She’s single, so he doesn’t have to feel bad about what he is going to say.

“I think you’d like what my imagination can come up with,” he winks. He smirks when Yuugao bites her lip.

As a rule, Kakashi doesn’t chase girls. But he doesn’t say _no_ if they come to him.

**

Like the night they made out, Yuugao is the one who decides that she doesn’t want to go home. First, she complains about her feet hurting. _It’s too far_ , she claims. He reminds her she is Anbu. Then, she nearly flashes him, lifting up her foot to show him the admittedly large blister on the inside of her arch. It looks like it really hurts, so he relents, and they go to his place.

Eventually, the truth comes out while she sits on his couch with the first-aid kit open and he is getting two beers from the fridge.

“It’s over.” She says. Kakashi sticks his head out from behind the door of the fridge.

“What’s over?” he asks.

“Things with Raidou.” She says softly. Kakashi blinks.

“You’ve been broken up for a year,” he says. Yuugao frowns. _A year and a half, actually_. She finishes sticking the band-aid onto the arch of her foot and stands up. She walks over to him, her steps quiet.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” she says, “it’s not real until you stop swapping spit.”

“Swapping spit.” He says, “Yuugao, I didn’t know you could talk this way.” She is usually very composed when she speaks, and she is never vulgar or crude. He kind of likes this Yuugao, to be honest. He offers her a beer, and she pulls the tab. It hisses and foams when it opens.

“That’s because you don’t know me very well.” She replies. Kakashi tilts his head to the side, because, in a way, that’s true. Even though they are friends, he doesn’t know her as a single woman. She has always been attached to someone else.

“Do you want me to get to know you better?” he asks. Yuugao tilts her side to side, humming. She’s thought a lot about Kakashi, more than she would like to admit.

“That’s such a line,” she replies, sipping her beer. When they made out, she left her beer untouched. Kakashi had let it sit on the table for days before throwing it out. _That’s_ how bad he has it for her.

Yuugao rolls her neck, spotting the sign on the back of his front door. She frowns, walking over to it. “This doesn’t hurt?” she asks. “What does that mean?”

“Exactly what it says,” he replies. Yuugao frowns.

“Well, what is it?” she asks. Kakashi blinks.

“It?”

“Yes. What is the ‘it’ that doesn’t hurt?” she rolls her eyes when Kakashi shrugs.

“Dunno. Life.” He sips his beer, and watches as she sets hers to the floor.

A long time ago, Raidou told Yuugao that she had saved his life. When they got together, he was trying to get away from an intense, soul-consuming relationship with Kurenai while Yuugao was grieving Hayate. When they got together, he was half a person and she was bereft. He told her that he wouldn’t have made it to the other side, if not for her.

She once joked that she gave him the best years of her life. He told her that’s the kind of melodramatic thing someone says in their twenties. She still doesn’t know who ended up being right.

Yuugao looks up at the sign, taking either side in her hands. _This doesn’t hurt_. Except, it does. It hurts to know that Raidou is alive and somewhere else, as much as it hurts to know that Hayate is dead.

“What are you doing?” he asks. Yuugao frowns at the sign.

“Redecorating.” She rips the sign from the door. Kakashi’s jaw ticks.

“Why’d you do that?” he asks. She looks him right in the eye, preceding to rip up his sign into tiny pieces.

“It always hurts, even when you say it doesn’t.” She scatters the paper like confetti on the floor. A piece ends up on her can of beer.

“That’s my mantra,” he steps up to her, not mad at all. She gave him an in. He doesn’t chase girls, but he will do something if they leave themselves wide open.

“Get a new mantra,” she replies.

“Like what?” he asks. She doesn’t back away when he comes closer.

“Something that sounds like you,” she says, “maybe just draw a stick person shrugging.”

“I haven’t gotten that one before,” he chuckles, despite himself. She smiles.

“It’s because I see you for who you are.” Yuugao steps up to him. It is then that he knows that she wants this too.

“What do you see?” he asks. Yuugao reaches for his mask, pulling it down to his chin.

“Someone who feels pain,” she says, touching his beauty mark. She gives him a sad look. “Like me.”

“Yuugao,” he sighs, “you’re being a bummer.” He pauses. “This kind of thing should be fun.”

“What kind of thing?” she asks. Kakashi opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Yuugao grins.

“So, it’s the kind of thing you can’t say, is it?” she smiles. She wants to go to the place beyond words. It’s nice out there. Kakashi frowns.

“It’s the kind of thing where if you name it, it dies,” he says. Yuugao nods, because she knows what he means.

They reach for each other at the same time. Yuugao kisses his lower lip, and Kakashi braces himself for inevitable pain.

**

At some point, ideation betrayed intent and so, here Kakashi is, on top of Yuugao, his tongue down her throat and her hands playing with the zipper of his pants. He has pushed her dress up, and her hair fans out around her head. She still kisses the same. Like she wants you to give her your soul. Kakashi gets why Raidou had a hard time giving her up. _I wouldn’t let go either_.

Yuugao sighs, pressing herself against him. She wants to be naked, with him, so bad. She wants him to just push her skirt up and her underwear aside and rail her, but he isn’t that kind of person. She kisses his jaw and he hums, everything aching. He wants to fall in deep, even if it hurts. Being untouched is its own special kind of hell, and Yuugao has a point: things that bring pleasure inevitably bring pain. _Hurt me_ , he wants to say, _bruise me up on the inside_. Yuugao pulls back and looks up at his face, smiling at him. It makes something in him float.

“Let’s get naked,” she sighs. Kakashi smiles, sitting up. Yuugao unzips her dress and pulls it over her head as Kakashi takes off his shirt. She is wearing the kind of underwear you wear when you want someone to see you naked. It’s something Kakashi casually notices, as Yuugao unclips her bra and rips off her own underwear.

“You’re so desperate,” he says. Yuugao smiles.

“I want you, bad.” She replies. Kakashi’s stomach does a flip. There is no way that he will ever get tired of hearing her say those words. He gets rid of his pants and soon, he is upon her again. She rests her hand against his stomach, and it makes him tingle.

“How do you want to do this?” he asks. Yuugao smiles up at him. If she wasn’t so sweet to look at, he would call her a perv. She wraps her legs around his waist, and he sinks down to her.

“I am going to flip onto my stomach, and you are going to go to town.” Unwinding her legs from his waist, she pushes him up a little so she can flip over. Kakashi takes a second to look at her back, her waist, and he smiles when he spies the little heart on her butt.

“It’s cute,” he pokes it. Yuugao feels her tummy tingle, and it is not lost on him that she squeezes her thighs together.

“Thanks,” she hums, “know how you show your appreciation?” Kakashi eyes her as she looks over her shoulder.

“How?” he asks. He knows, deep inside of his stomach, that he is going to like her answer.

“Rail me.” She raises her hips to his, and he laughs to himself.

“Who taught you to speak this way?” he asks. Yuugao shrugs.

“I’m good at communicating.” She smiles, “it’s an innate talent.” She used to be shy, but Raidou has fucked all the modesty out of her. _If you can’t tell me what you want, I’ll never give it to you._ Raidou upped her game. Kakashi smirks, rising above her. _If only you knew_.

When he sinks into her, he thinks about how funny it is that this is all happening now. He looks down at the muscles in her back, the way her shoulders tense as she rests on her elbows. This isn’t love, but there is a deep affection here. A huge amount of like-like. It takes a minute to figure out how it will work between them. She hisses when he bumps her the wrong way, and his face twists when she clenches at the wrong time.

But then they break through to the other side, and it’s all nice and warm and honeyed. She clenches her jaw, keeping her mouth shut until she can’t stop saying his name. Kakashi looks for the end, the limit, but he finds none there. Like he could just keep going and going. He puts his hands on her hips and starts to move with more precision, and Yuugao shifts so she can touch herself.

Their sex is ugly, which is funny, because they are such good-looking people. The noises are loud, they’re sweating, and Kakashi feels like he is losing his mind. He screws his eyes shut and touches his tongue to the roof of his mouth. It’s like all the stimuli is pressing down on the front of his brain; he keeps leaping from thing to thing, when he really and truly only wants to focus on how it feels for them to finally be together.

She arches her back in the way that Raidou likes, which, judging from his reaction, Kakashi also likes. Raidou said men lack depth, and he really wasn’t wrong. It’s flattering to hear someone as composed as Kakashi sound like a regular person, and as she looks up, into the mirror on the wall, not only is she surprised to see him not looking, but also by how good they do look, considering how ugly they are being.

Perhaps it is the haze of lust, or some other force, but when she curls back under herself, she is determined to come, really hard, all over Kakashi, just so she can say she did it.

“Harder,” she says.

“Harder?” he asks. She doesn’t speak, she just nods as she moves against him and rides her own hand.

The end feels far away, until it is here. One, two. Boom. Yuugao cries out and stuffs her face into the couch, while Kakashi makes a noise not even he thought he was capable of. It’s ugly and comes straight from his core, like his stomach kicked his diaphragm, knocking all the air out of him. He leans to the side, catching his breath, while Yuugao pants. He pulls away, sitting down on the couch. Yuugao sits up, brushing her hair back.

When she turns around, she sees one of his feet on the ground. _That isn’t Raidou’s foot_. His skin is slightly darker, and his feet are uglier. She misses his big toe. She turns around to look at Kakashi, who is staring at her. She blinks.

“Tell me a secret,” her voice is quiet. He stares at the side of her face, the soft point of her chin.

“This hurt,” he replies. She nods, because it does.

**

Yuugao sits in her office, staring at a few files. _None of this makes any sense_. She sighs, wishing, not for the first time, that Hayate would poke his head in and ask her how it’s going. Or maybe Raidou, sitting in the corner and fiddling with her fountain pens, replacing the ink cartridges and telling her that he plans to do this forever, so no, he isn’t going to teach her. She misses male companionship.

She hasn’t seen Kakashi since he told her his secret. She has simply gotten dressed and gone home. Yuugao feels bad for being another source of pain in his life, but she didn’t know what else to do. _This hurts_. No one has ever said that to her after sex. It feels for profound than it actually is. Hayate and Raidou were both affectionate after sex, like it thawed them out. Well, it did that for Raidou. Hayate never had a problem with being present and emotionally available. He’s still her soulmate. She can’t help but feel like he’s disappointed in her for being so sad. But what else is there, when you push your partner so far away that there is no coming back? So, it’s just her and Daydream Raidou and Hayate. Pathetic.

 _Neither of them would want this for me_. But Yuugao is no stranger to the paralysis generated by loss. She even welcomes it. It gives her depth when otherwise, her emotional life would be like a cement wall. Shallow and impossible to penetrate.

She sighs and opens a file, taking notes. She looks up when there is a knock on the door. “Come in,” she calls. The door opens, and Kakashi slouches in. She was wondering if he would approach her first. You can never tell with him. He just goes where life takes him, more often than not.

“You haven’t called.” He says. Yuugao blinks.

“I never said I would.” She replies. Daydream Raidou smirks. Daydream Hayate looks disappointed in her.

“Did it hurt too?” he asks. Yuugao frowns.

“What did you mean when you said that?” she asks. Her pain is evident. Kakashi pulls out two little boxes, dropping them on her desk.

“I brought lunch,” he says, not answering her question.

“Who says I haven’t eaten?” she asks. Kakashi gives her an unimpressed look.

“If memory serves, you don’t eat until later in the day.” Raidou mentioned it a few times. It worried him.

“We haven’t worked together in years.” She sighs. “Who told you?” Yuugao has two guesses, and only one of them is still alive.

“Raidou mentioned it.” Kakashi shrugs, sitting in the chair across from her. Yuugao reaches for a box and opens it. Rice, some salmon. A few vegetables. Balanced. Healthy. It makes her smile.

“I didn’t think he talked about me much.” She says. Kakashi shrugs.

“He mentioned little things.” He hums. He doesn’t really want to talk about Raidou. Yuugao nods.

“So, why are you here?” she asks. “If you’re mad that I didn’t call, I don’t know why you would want to have lunch with me.” Kakashi shrugs.

“Because it hurt.” He says, like he is talking about the weather.

“It did.” She says. “But it felt good at the time.”

“That is how most things that ultimately cause pain start. They feel good at the time.” Yuugao nods. She sees what he means.

“It isn’t good if it doesn’t hurt,” she smiles, “you should know this by now.” Yuugao shrugs, leaning back in her chair. Daydream Hayate rolls his eyes. Daydream Raidou smiles, showing his canines.

“Ah,” Kakashi says. He doesn’t often hear _rail me_.

“Is there anything left to say?” she asks.

“Not on this particular matter, no.” He opens his own lunch, even though he isn’t hungry. In all honesty, he doesn’t usually eat until later. But he figures by the time later rolls around, they’ll both be too busy to eat together.

“So,” she says, picking at her lunch, “how has your day been so far?”

“Itself.” His response would be cryptic, if it weren’t such a him response.

“My morning has been slow,” she smiles, “maybe we will know peace in our lifetimes.” Kakashi shrugs.

“Perhaps.” The smile is in his voice.

**

Yuugao is someone who, if she isn’t consciously emoting, looks a little sad. She’s looking out the window, thinking. Kakashi often wonders what the inside of her brain is like. Yuugao spends a lot of time in there, and well, he wants to spend more time with her. She hasn’t touched her coffee.

“Yuugao?” he asks. She turns her head to him and smiles.

“What?” she asks. Kakashi blinks.

“You didn’t have to get coffee with me if you didn’t want to.” He doesn’t know what compels him to says this. She frowns at him.

“Why are you saying something like that?” she asks.

“Because,” _I am trying to head off inevitable pain_ , “you aren’t drinking your coffee.” Yuugao looks down at the cup.

“Oh.” She says, “that’s just because I am waiting for it to cool down. I don’t like adding anything to it, and I don’t like it hot.” She smiles, turning her lips up. “I was just in my head.” Kakashi tilts his head.

“You like your coffee lukewarm.” He states. She smiles, nodding.

“I like that you let me think,” she says, “you’re pretty and strong, but your ability to let me be in my own head is your most attractive quality.”

“You think I’m pretty?” he asks, his voice rising. Yuugao nods.

“Prettier than me,” she says, “and I’m pretty.” Kakashi exhales, relaxing a little bit.

 _She thinks I’m pretty_. He feels like a winner.

**

In the early days of their relationship, Yuugao and Raidou bonded by going on errands together. They would lie in bed and make a list, and then spend the day together doing it. It was nice; domestic is the word. It made her feel very secure, because it felt like he was building a life with her.

Kakashi likes her an awful lot, but she can tell that he finds looking at produce boring. He shifts on his feet, bored, looking off into the distance.

“What do you think of these apples?” she asks, pointing at them. “Do you think I should buy regular or organic?”

“Isn’t organic more expensive?” he tilts his head, humming.

“More expensive, but the apples taste better,” she replies. “Raidou and I tested them out, once or twice, and both times, the organic apples were consistently better.” Kakashi frowns to himself. If he never heard her say Raidou’s name again, he would be happy. But Raidou was a big part of her life; they wanted to scramble their DNA together, and that doesn’t go away, no matter how much Kakashi wishes it would.

“Well, if you know organic tastes better, why not just buy it?” he asks. Yuugao blinks at him.

“They _are_ more expensive.” She crosses her arms, frowning. Kakashi doesn’t know how to play this game. She and Raidou could easily go through their pro and con list and come to an understanding. Kakashi, having lived alone for the better part of his adult life, has no experience with this kind of communication.

She tilts her head at him, blinking. Her face softens at the exact moment she chooses to stop trying to make Kakashi act just like Raidou. They are different people and it’ll destroy their relationship if she holds him to an impossible standard. “You know, I’m going to be awhile. Do you want to go do your thing and meet up later?” Kakashi blinks.

“But didn’t you want me to join you?”

“Well,” she says, “no offense, you don’t look like you want to be here.” He sighs.

“You’re not wrong.”

“I really appreciate you trying.” She smiles up at him. He shrugs, before slouching off to the bookstore across the street. She watches his back, smiling to herself. It really was sweet of him to not even complain about pretending to care.

**

Yuugao sits on her couch, legs crossed, wearing underwear and one of those tourist t-shirts she bought for Raidou that he wore to sleep in. She watches Kakashi lie on the floor of her living room, staring up at the ceiling. He does this after he finishes a book. It helps him decompress.

“What’s your favorite kind of romance?” she asks.

“One with happy endings,” he replies, “I only read the books where it works out in the end. No tragic deaths for me.”

“Really?” she asks.

“I also like blow jobs.” He says, not missing a beat. Yuugao rolls her eyes and stands up. He takes note of the freckle inside of her knee, and the way the muscles in her legs move under the skin and fat.

**

Raidou has Mirai on his shoulders, his hands holding onto her feet, her fingers gripping his hair. She looks so much Kurenai, that sometimes, Yuugao completely forgets that Asuma is her father. It makes her want to puke, but she has to tell him sometime.

“Hi Raidou,” she says, walking up to him. “Mirai.” She wiggles her fingers, and Mirai giggles, spit running down her chin. Yuugao sighs. “Someone needs to wipe her mouth.”

“She’s a drooler.” Raidou says, withholding the _just like her mom_. Yuugao stretches up and lifts Mirai off his shoulders and into her arms. Mirai goes willingly, beaming up at Yuugao. Raidou takes a wipe out of his pocket, and steps towards Yuugao, who holds onto Mirai, tight.

“Pretty,” she says in her soft voice, taking a hold of a lock of Yuugao’s hair.

“She’s really pretty,” he says to Mirai, smiling at Yuugao. Raidou takes a hold of her chin and wipes her mouth. Mirai squawks and makes a face at him. He sticks out his tongue, making Mirai giggle. She extends a pudgy hand and places her palm on Yuugao’s chin. Raidou looks up at Yuugao, obviously worried that Mirai has ripped open a wound that hasn’t healed.

“Here,” he says, taking hold of Mirai. Yuugao lets her go and feels a little empty when Mirai lets go of her hair.

It would hurt less if it didn’t look so natural for Mirai to sit on his hip. “Sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be,” she replies, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Look, there’s something I have to tell you, and I don’t know if you’ll like it.” Raidou frowns, tilting his head.

“Well, what is it?” he asks.

“I’ve been seeing Kakashi.” Yuugao says. Raidou’s face freezes momentarily, and she watches him pull Mirai closer.

“Oh.” It’s not a surprise, but that doesn’t mean he is happy.

“I’m not doing it to hurt you,” she says, “it just…happened.” Raidou nods.

“I don’t really factor into those kinds of decisions anymore,” he says. “You didn’t have to tell me, but I appreciate it.” Mirai droops on him, eyeballing Yuugao. She wonders if Mirai knows that she just hurt Raidou’s feelings. Mirai puts her head against his shoulder and grips onto his vest with her little hands. _Mine_. Yuugao concedes. _Yes, yours_.

“We should both be happy,” Yuugao says. Raidou smiles at her.

“I always wanted your happiness,” he says, guilty that he couldn’t give it to her.

“I feel the same way for you,” she says. Mirai hums, as he says goodbye.

**

Kakashi is reading in bed, his mask off while Yuugao reads a file. She looks at his profile, staring at the slope of his nose, the beauty mark on his chin.

“What is it?” he asks. Yuugao shrugs, even though he hasn’t turned to look at her.

“I’m just glad you’re comfortable enough to take your mask off around me, that’s all.” She smiles at him, big. He turns to look at her, blinking.

He feels embarrassed, because he didn’t even notice when he started taking his mask off around her. “Oh, okay.”

**

He looms over her like a protector, and Yuugao lets him in. She arches her back so deep that their tummies touch. It makes Kakashi feel, as the kids would say, _some type of way_ , if he understands the phrase properly. He only heard it once, and he doesn’t really like it, but it fits. It the kind of thing someone who has deep feelings says to gesture towards those feelings, without saying them. It’s a vague, passive way of saying you like someone.

But as he looks down at her flushed face and open mouth, he feels something in his guts, kind of like they are melting, and he most definitely doesn’t want to tell her that. It has been a few months, but it still feels new and delicate. Now that he thinks about, this is the first time they have looked each other in the eye while he is inside of her. He gives it faster when she tightens her legs around his waist. She moans, and something in him soars.

Yuugao looks up at his face, and she puts a hand up to his cheek. Kakashi is more fragile then he lets on. She can tell that he holds himself back from her. It’s not that she wants to know why, as much as there is no _why_. He has never had a girlfriend, and over their few months together, she has learned that he won’t open up first. So, she decides to make the first move.

She puts her hand on his cheek and sits up on her other elbow. Kakashi stops, watching her. She has never kissed him when he is inside of her. When her lips touch his cupid’s bow, he feels hot all over. “Move,” she says quietly, and she opens herself up, further and further, and he follows her lead.

“More,” he sighs, and Yuugao presses herself closer to him. Her hand stays on his face, holding him close. She wants him to feel tender, vulnerable. She wants him to see her as a safe place.

“Uh-huh.” She kisses his lower lip. He hums. Naming this feeling is something he doesn’t want to do, but he wants to find a way to convey everything he is feeling right now. He pulls away and rests his forehead against hers.

“Can I be soft?” he asks. She always wants it harder, faster. But he wants to treat her with all the softness he feels. Yuugao sighs.

“Okay,” she says, lying back. He slows down and puts a hand to her face. He runs a thumb over her cheekbone. She relaxes her body, allowing him to push down into her. Yuugao makes him feel vulnerable and he likes it. He wonders if this is what Raidou meant all those years ago, when he said sex was about trying to find something in someone else.

What makes this time stand out, to both of them, is that this is the first time where sex doesn’t feel like it will hurt. It’s as if they are finally secure with each other. Like they are outside the shadow of Raidou and Rin and Hayate and infertility and grief. She wraps her arms around him, moving her hips against his. He moves slow and deliberate and it’s like they share a body, but not.

The string pulls tight, and then snaps. Big feelings. Absolute tenderness, softness, as he tucks his head into her shoulder and comes home.

**

Kakashi lies on his bed, arm behind his head, book held up to his face. Yuugao bought him a new book, and he doesn’t know if he likes it. Their tastes don’t always overlap. He likes the smut in her books, but the plot and characters rarely do anything for him. He hears a rustle, and when he puts the book down, he sees Yuugao undressing.

“Why are you undressing?” he asks. Yuugao smiles at him as her panties drop. She steps out and walks over to him. “Why aren’t you answering?” he asks.

“Why are you still reading?” she replies. He shrugs.

“I like the plot.” There is a tight feeling in his stomach, but he doesn’t move. She gets on the bed, and plucks the book out of his hand, keeping his place as she closes it. Her attention to detail is one of the things he likes about her.

“I have a question,” she asks, sitting on his tummy.

“Uh-huh?” he groans.

“Want to be my boyfriend?” she asks, “not doing labels isn’t an answer.” Kakashi rolls his eyes.

“Sure, I would like to be your boyfriend.” Yuugao frowns.

“You sound so passive,” she says. Kakashi shrugs.

“What am I supposed to do when you’re sitting on me?” he puts his hands on her thighs,  
“say no?” Yuugao shrugs.

“Most men would jump at the chance to be with me.” She says.

“Well, you don’t like those guys, do you?” he replies.

Nonetheless, he flips her over onto her back, and he shows her what his _yes_ actually looks like.

**

Loving Kakashi doesn’t fix the gaps left behind by Raidou and Hayate, but Yuugao has come to understand that there is nothing to fix. Kakashi makes his own hole inside of her, but unlike the other two, he has resolved to stay with a steadiness that isn’t passionate or reckless or searing but _is_ absolute. She looks at him as he sleeps, smiling at the way his face fits together, how he wheezes a little in his sleep.

Life is defined by the future as much as it is by the past. It’s taken a year and a half, but she feels an optimism that she hasn’t in a long time. Kakashi isn’t who she expected to be by her side, but she doesn’t mind how he changed her plans.

She kisses the side of his neck and he whines in his sleep. Smiling, she rolls over and goes to sleep. She wakes up with his cold feet shoved between her calves, as he stretches out behind her, arms sprawled on either side. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno if this is something you wanted to see, but I figured it would be nice to see how Kakashi and Yuugao got together. We're going to see more of them, of course, but I wanted to have a chapter that focused on them AND give you some extra content. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this. I would love to hear your thoughts on Yuugao and Kakashi, or, how you feel about where Yuugao is right now. I know she's a favourite, so I hope you feel like I've done right by her. Feel free to leave a comment-I wish I could find words beyond thank you, but sadly, they do not exist. They keep my motivated and they make me feel good. Stay safe out there!


	24. Dead Ivy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dead thing between Genma and Anko. 
> 
> This is more bonus material. Feel free to skip.

“And if I left you all alone, would you still pick up the phone?”

Childish Gambine, “III. Telegraph Ave. (“Oakland” by Lloyd)”

Genma is eighteen years old when he realizes that he likes Anko as more than a friend. They are on a mission with Asuma, who remains politely oblivious to the little ways Genma shows he cares. Listening to her, teasing her, asking her if she’s hungry. All those attentive things that Genma has seen Kurenai and Raidou do for each other for years, despite their relationship being a big pile of nothing, too. Raidou is selectively clueless and Kurenai is crushed, all the time. So, Genma doesn’t know why he chooses to model his behavior off of them. Maybe because it’s what he has seen.

He doesn’t stare at her breasts or hips, like he usually would. Instead, he spends a lot of time gazing into her eyes, looking at the slope from her neck to her shoulder, memorizing all the dumb, little preferences she declares to have. He knew he had it bad when he asked if she was sure she was okay with almonds, when the previous day, she said she didn’t like them. Asuma gave him a funny look and then winced on his behalf when Anko shrugged and replied that she really didn’t care.

Look, he has always _liked_ Anko more than the other girls in their year. Kurenai repulses him and he can’t really relate to Shizune. He likes how Anko is unapologetically herself. That she will gladly show off her scabs and bruises like they are the coolest things ever. He likes that she doesn’t make herself smaller, that her first reaction to intimidation is to get angry.

Genma spends so much time thinking about how much he likes her, that he misses all the little things Anko does for him. Touching his arm, lighting up when she sees him, offering him food or water first. Asuma feels like he is watching two people simultaneously completely get it right about each other while also getting it wrong. They are so focused on how awkward they feel that they can’t see the reciprocity. It makes Asuma’s head hurt, even worse than the near constant heartache of Kurenai and Raidou.

One day, over the fire, Genma just gazes at her for five minutes. Not averting his gaze, or anything. Just looking. It takes him another five to realize that she is looking back. Something inside him jolts when he realizes that she doesn’t avert her gaze when they make eye contact.

He doesn’t feel alive; just hopeful.

**

Two years later, and it has become a running joke in their group of friends. They needed new material, when Kurenai and Raidou finally started fucking, and the universe, ever benevolent, gave them something even funnier: Anko and Genma. Aoba refers to it as _The Thing_ , and well, the name stuck.

“I’m just saying,” Aoba says, “you finally got Anko back to your room, with me ready to bail at any time, and we arrive in time to overhear Raidou giving it to Kurenai in your bathroom.”

“Don’t remind me,” Genma rubs his eyes. It had been funny at the time, but he spent the entire next day cleaning his bathroom. He didn’t know where or how they did it, not that he wants to, so he had to clean the whole thing.

“At least it wasn’t the bed,” Kakashi says.

“And I locked the door,” Raidou hums. “Which would you have preferred? Seeing us or hearing us.”

“Well, if my preferences mattered, you two would have gone to Kurenai’s room.” Genma huffs, crossing his arms.

“Where would you not fuck her?” Aoba asks Raidou.

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Raidou says, “she’s special.”

“That means anywhere,” Kakashi smirks as he translates.

“Oh, we all know how ‘special’ she is to you,” Genma sips his beer. Raidou frowns.

“Weren’t we talking about you and Anko?” he asks Genma.

“You fucking Kurenai is funnier,” Genma replies, “because you think she’s so pretty, when she is uglier than you.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“You’re just jealous.” He replies. Genma makes a stunned face that has Aoba and Kakashi trying, very hard, not to laugh.

“Jealous of what?” he scoffs. Raidou shrugs.

“You know what I mean.” He sips his beer and winks, before dodging Genma hurling his senbon down into the table. It just confirms what they all know. He has it bad.

**

Aoba sits across from Anko, staring at her as she eats a dumpling. He has a dumb grin on his face, like he has seen Anko’s underpants. “Why are you smiling?” Aoba shrugs, popping a dumpling into his mouth. He chews with his mouth closed, and she can tell he is debating whether or not he wants to share it with her.

He swallows and tilts his head. “Genma really likes you.” Anko rolls her eyes.

“Whatever.” She replies. Aoba grins, smelling blood in the water.

“Interesting,” he says, “he is sweet on you.”

“Sweet on me?” she asks. “You’ve been spending too much time with your mom. That’s a very her thing to say.” Aoba shrugs.

“I love my mom.” He says, “she’s a nice lady.” It’s true. For such a wastoid, Aoba and his mother have always had a good relationship. She’s the kind of parent who doesn’t condemn drug use and premarital sex. Aoba can tell her anything, and she has never been angry or judgemental. Everyone wishes she was their mom. It’s probably why Aoba is so cool.

“Whatever,” she says, “it’s none of your business.”

“Genma talks about you,” he says. “I just thought you’d like to know.” Anko sighs. He reads her face, and he can tell that she doesn’t want to talk about it. So, he changes the subject.

“Remember when you spit in my mouth?” he asks. They were eighteen; they had all been heading home from a club, their brains blown out on ecstasy. Kurenai was on Genma’s shoulders, Raidou was carrying Shizune on his back, and Kakashi and Asuma were being dragged along by Guy. Anko was holding Aoba’s hand, and Guy, in a quasi-manic state, decided to pick on them. His talent is coming up with weird dares. _Anko, I dare you to spit into Aoba’s mouth_. Asuma and Kakashi, who were relatively sober, wrinkled their noses. Anko did it, and Aoba, not to be undone, swallowed it.

“Vaguely.” She has no shame, but Shizune and Kurenai haven’t let her live that down.

“Your spit tastes disgusting,” he says. Anko grins.

“Oh?” she says.

“But I am such a good friend, that I’d let you spit in my mouth again,” he says, with utter sincerity. “I would even put your scabs in my mouth and suck on ‘em.”

“You’re a fucking freak,” Anko says, eating another dumpling.

“I just want you to know how devoted I am to our friendship.” Aoba says. “My devotion is why I tell you about how Genma feels. I want you to be with someone who likes you more than I do. And he’d fuck you too.”

“You think he’d suck on my scabs too?” she asks. Aoba grins.

“He’d go further. He would eat them all up.” He says, “he would watch you peel them off and let you feed them to him like grapes.” Anko grins.

“You’re fucking twisted,” she says, “a really sick puppy.” She cackles when Aoba gives a sickly bark.

**

Raidou frowns at the rice ball he purchased from the grocery store. He accidentally got tuna instead of salmon. Genma can tell by the look on his face.

“Are you even listening?” Genma whines. Raidou sighs.

“For the millionth time: fuck her, or don’t. I truly do not care.” Raidou shrugs and takes another bite of his food. He is tired of listening to Genma whine about Anko, when she, very clearly, likes him back.

“Why aren’t you listening to me?” Genma whines.

“Because I always listen to you, and this is stupid.” Raidou swallows his food. “Fuck her, or don’t. She clearly likes you too. It’s not that hard.”

“We’re not you and Kurenai.” Genma huffs. Raidou glares.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks in a low voice. Genma rolls his eyes. Raidou is very touchy when it comes to Kurenai. It’s how he shows the depth of his commitment to her, even though he refuses to be her boyfriend.

“You two just have a mind meld,” Genma shrugs, “it’s like you just had to roll on top of her and that was it.” The tips of Raidou’s ears turn pink, and he stuffs the rest of his rice ball into his mouth. Genma’s mouth hangs open, before he remembers how to speak.

“That’s how it happened?” he asks. Raidou doesn’t say anything, so he takes it as a yes. He watches Raidou swallow, before replying. “Wow.” He is jealous of how easy Raidou’s sex life is. “No wonder you think it’s easy.”

“Because it is,” Raidou says, recovering himself. “I wouldn’t be a good friend if I sat here, listening to you whine. I would be enabling you.” Genma frowns.

“I just want someone to listen.”

“And I just want you to get laid.” Raidou shrugs. “C’mon, we better get back to work.” He bops Genma on the arm before walking off. Genma takes a second to glare at his back, before following him.

**

Genma lies back down on his bed, watching Anko take a pill out of a baggie. He frowns as she breaks it in half, offering him a piece. Instead of taking it, he lies there. Anko narrows her eyes at him.

“What are you waiting for?” she asks. _To be something other than your drug buddy_. Genma sits up.

“I don’t want to take a pill tonight.” He replies. Anko sort of blinks at him. She doesn’t know why she would be invited here, if he didn’t want to do drugs. It’s their thing.

“Why do you want to see me, then?” she asks. Anko tucks the pill back into the clear baggie, and into her pocket. Aoba calls Anko their drug kingpin. He isn’t wrong, it’s just not the whole truth. Throughout the years, Genma realizes that Anko uses substances to avoid having to look at herself, to get out of having hard conversations. It’s why the two of them get high together. Drugs take the place of the conversations they want to have. Well, that he wants to have. Genma supposes that if Anko wanted to talk about these things, she would speak.

“I want to talk to you,” he says, “about us.” Genma is determined to be better than his friends. Asuma waits forever, Raidou never says anything, and hell will freeze over before Aoba or Kakashi are able to fall in love, let alone maintain a functional relationship.

Hayate has a good relationship, but he and Yuugao are childhood sweethearts. He would have no idea how to ask a girl you get high with out.

Anko feels her stomach get bubbly. Like it is trying to shed its lining. She knows, of course, what he is talking about. It’s not that she doesn’t want to lick his jawline or look into his eyes. It’s just that she doesn’t know how to get there. Orochimaru took a lot of things from her, most notably, her ability to trust men when they say they like her. It’s why she avoids this conversation with Genma. She really does like him. Anko doesn’t know if it’s love, but she thinks it could be. The prospect of love makes her feel itchy.

“What about us?” she asks, turning back to look at him.

“I like you.” He just says it. Stripped and denuded to its essence _. I like you a lot, actually_. Anko blinks at him.

“Why?” she asks. Genma snorts. “Why are you laughing at me?” Anko frowns at him.

“Because this isn’t hard.” He smiles at her. His smile is lazy, vulpine. Genma isn’t chewing on a senbon, so his entire face relaxes. She rolls her shoulders. Anko doesn’t understand how he can stay so calm all the time.

“You know what I don’t like about you?” she says. Genma smirks.

“I have no clue,” he says, sitting up. She looks up at him, frowning.

“You never take anything seriously,” she says. Genma laughs at that one. “See what I mean!”

“You don’t either,” he shrugs. “It’s one of the things I like about you.” If asked, he would say that it is one of their points of compatibility. Anko sighs and leans back onto her hands.

“So, you like me.” She always has this look on her face, like she has a secret that she gets a real kick out of but will never tell. Genma presses his lips together.

“I do.” He says, staring at her mouth. He hopes she knows that he wants to try and kiss her. Anko smiles to herself, before looking into Genma’s eyes.

“What if I don’t like you as much as you like me?” she asks. Genma’s blinks. The possibility had never occurred to him.

“Do you even like me in the first place?” he asks. Anko’s grin is serpentine; he likes her tricky side. It’s one of the things that makes her interesting.

Anko is terrified of love, but she craves sex. She thinks that Genma is interested in her because they are always orbiting each other. That this is a slip in his judgment, and that they can wake up tomorrow and pretend it didn’t happen. A part of her knows that this isn’t the case, and that they have been looking at each other since they were eighteen, but she would like to pretend that she can have it both ways: that Genma can be her friend and someone she has casual sex with, no strings attached.

So, she doesn’t answer his question. Instead, she leans in and presses her mouth to his. She puts a hand to his cheek, unsure whether it is a genuine expression of care or just a simulation of it. Anko can admit that she likes kissing him. He’s soft, in a way that she hadn’t expected. What both scares and thrills her, is that the soft way he kisses makes her want to get naked. The thing she hates most about intimacy, if asked, is how nice and gushy and right it feels. She hates it more than the vulnerability required to truly be with another person. It’s because it feels so good that she forgets herself and tries to get closer, even though it always hurts in the end.

Genma didn’t really think it would play out like this. He thought that they’d agree to go see a movie or go on a date or something. The idea of laying Anko down under him, and putting his hand up her shirt, had never occurred to him as an actual possibility. Genma pulls back, looking down at her. Her face is a little pink and her lower lip is swollen. _She looks like this because of me_. Something inside of him swells up, and for a second, he forgets to breathe.

“Genma?” she asks. He blinks.

“Uh,” he says, “I want to know how you’re feeling.”

“How I’m feeling?” she asks, less than impressed.

“Yeah,” he says with a little more confidence. “I want to know how you feel about what we’re doing.” Anko looks at him with confusion.

“How I feel?” she asks. No one has ever asked her this question. In her experience, men don’t really care about how they make her feel. Her feelings are beside the point, and she is very comfortable with that arrangement.

“Yes,” he says softly. Anko internally squirms. She is very good at blocking out her feelings.

“I feel…” she says, looking for the word, “weird talking about my feelings.” Genma sighs.

“At least you were honest.” He leans down to kiss her. She puts her hands to his face and opens her legs to him. Her skirt rides up. She doesn’t like talking about her feelings, but she is pulling him in, pushing him faster and faster.

There isn’t any truth to be found here. It’s just them. Genma sighs into her mouth, as Anko takes his breath away for herself. Anko will never admit this, but she is really into the idea of breathing in all the air that Genma exhales. She puts her hand under his shirt and his tummy tightens, making her smile.

“You nervous?” she hums. Genma smiles.

“A little.” It’s not that he doesn’t have any experience with girls. It’s just that this one is special. His body is hard, the way all of theirs are. She presses her thumb into a soft bit, and he sighs again. _I love that sound_. Breathy, soft. Genma makes funny little noises that make her feel things. It’s one of the things that attracts her to him.

“I want to see you naked,” she says. Genma pauses, thinking. “What?” she asks.

“I just didn’t think you’d be this easy,” he smiles. Anko thumps him, right on the sternum.

“You are such an asshole.” She watches him stand up. Anko stands up with him and reaches for the bottom of his shirt. “Let me,” she says softly, pulling it up over his head, with his mesh undershirt. It’s a strangely tender gesture, something he doesn’t expect from her. It’s strange, navigating this kind of relationship together. In all honesty, it’s a lot easier to get high rather than dealing with their feelings.

She lets his shirt drop to the floor, before taking off her own. Genma walks up to her and unbuttons her skirt for her. It falls, and he grins when he realizes she isn’t wearing any underwear. He looks her in the eye and it makes her glow.

“Laundry day.” She shrugs, unclasping her bra.

“Convenient,” he smirks as she reaches for his pants. She shrugs, unbuttoning his pants. Genma smiles as she pushes them down. They stand there for a second.

“What do we do now?” she asks, quietly. Genma tilts his head and takes her face in his hands. He rubs his thumbs over her cheekbones, looking into the backs of her eyes. He wants to know what she sees when she looks at him. He wants to pick her apart, for all of their similarities and differences, to see how they hold up.

He doesn’t bother answering her question, because it should be self-evident. He kisses her carefully, something that she has never experienced before. She puts her hands on his hips and digs her thumbs into the soft places just inside his pelvis. It’s softer than either of them expected it to be.

When they end up back on Genma’s bed, Anko wraps her legs around his waist and kisses him, softly. It’s a lot of touching and kissing. He’s hard but in no hurry to get inside her, and when they brush against each other, Anko gets a little more wet. Being open isn’t so bad when Genma is the one touching all of her soft bits. She looks up at the ceiling when he takes her nipple in his mouth and, very briefly, she thinks that this is what life is all about. Being touched by another human, like you are precious.

They aren’t in love. But this feels like something two people who really love each other do. He kisses the underside of her breast, and he tries to move down, but she sits up and stops him.

“Don’t,” she says. Genma makes a face.

“Are you sure?” he asks. She nods.

“I don’t like foreplay.” She says. Genma blinks.

“You don’t like foreplay…” he repeats, trailing off. He has never encountered a woman who didn’t like being eaten out.

“I want you inside me instead,” she lies back down. Genma comes back up, and presses into her. Anko prefers to be penetrated without foreplay, because she likes it to hurt a little. The thing with Genma is that he refuses to hurt her. So, he moves slow, steady, and when they are finally, _finally_ together, he takes a second before he starts moving.

She doesn’t know what she expected, but she certainly didn’t expect gentle sex or for it to feel so good. She’s a freak in the classic sense of the word. Anko likes to get smacked around a little, and she doesn’t mind when a man puts his hand around her throat. But, for all the _freaky_ sex she has had, this feels the like a real taboo. Genma, breathing above her, moving in-out, raw and naked and open. She feels like a human. It grosses her out.

This is the first time Anko has had sex while sober in a very long time. It would be scary, if it were with someone other then Genma. When he kisses her, she reciprocates by wrapping her legs around him tighter and humming into his mouth. She feels so good, that Genma never wants to stop. He rests his forehead on hers and tries not think about how it feels like the stars are aligning. If he knew how good it would feel to be inside of her, he would have done this a lot sooner. The one thing he takes comfort in is that they now know how good it feels to be together.

“What are you going to do to me?” she asks. Genma smiles.

“What I’m doing now.” His voice is soft, and Anko wraps her arms around him, digging her nails into his back. He quickens his pace, hitting harder and faster. She moans, loudly, encouraging him. Genma kisses her neck; she shivers when his tongue is over her carotid.

“I want you to spit on me.” She declares. Genma nips her neck. “ _Genma_ ,” she whines, arching up against him.

“You don’t like foreplay, but you want me to spit on you?” he asks, “you really are a freak.”

“I have a reputation,” she sighs. Genma kisses her.

“I know,” he says into her mouth. “But I don’t want to spit on you.” Genma only degrades women who he knows like it. He suspects that Anko just expects shitty treatment from men, and therefore, goes with it.

“I don’t want you to treat me like a person,” she sighs, recognizing the speedy feeling in her belly. Genma moves deeper, and she moans again.

“You are a person.” He kisses her neck, along down her shoulder, to a place where the skin feels uneven. _This is the curse mark_. Genma starts kissing her there, over and over, like he is apologizing. Anko feels like crying.

Most men, when they see the mark, think it is a cool tattoo. _What does it mean?_ She always says that it is a meditation on time, and they always nod like, of course she is a deep person with a deep tattoo. Alas; it’s just an enchanted seal that few people survive the process of receiving. _It means I’m lucky_. A curse is just luck of a different kind.

Genma is different because he knows that it means. The skin is uneven, beneath his lips, like it is still trying to reject the mark. He moves slower but gives it harder. He feels Anko shaking beneath him, but he doesn’t look back at her face. He doesn’t want to see her cry. He already feels powerless, knowing he can’t sink his teeth into the mark and rip the evil out of her. So, he just kisses the spot, worries it with his teeth. Anko brushes his spine with her hand, closing her eyes.

She presses her tummy to his, for they both know what it means when two people start moving together like they are one. The back of her knees are sweaty, and it feels like white hot lightning is shooting up her spine. Genma feels hot all over, and he tingles when she bunches her fist in his hair and moans.

“Bite me,” she says, “right there.” He doesn’t need to be told where _there_ is. He feels his own end, and when she clenches around him and he feels his release, he opens his mouth wide and bites down, hard. They are both disappointed when he doesn’t bite through the bone.

**

It’s been a week, and Anko hasn’t called Genma back. He checks hourly. It’s become a problem. Genma paces around his room, while Raidou sits on the bed, watching him. He can’t talk about it with Kurenai, who would try to intervene, and Aoba and Kakashi would just laugh at him. So, once again, it is Raidou who is listening to him.

“Why wouldn’t she call?” Genma asks.

“Maybe you sucked.” Raidou smirks. Genma gives him a murderous look, but Raidou shrugs it off. “I don’t get why you’re freaking out.”

“Because,” Genma says, “I like her. A lot.” Raidou smiles.

“I can tell.” Raidou says. Genma is, normally, unflappable. He is the first to crack a joke or make a flippant remark. Raidou has never seen him freak out over a girl. Genma crosses his arms and glares at his phone.

“Have you ever had this problem?” Genma asks.

“Nope,” Raidou says. “I _always_ get a call back.” Genma puffs his cheeks. “Did you do anything wrong?” he asks, gently. Genma tilts his head.

“The only thing I can think of is that I didn’t spit on her when she asked.” Genma thinks that biting her was a good enough replacement. Raidou, who isn’t totally surprised that Anko is into degradation, puffs his cheeks.

“Well, why didn’t you?” Raidou asks. Genma blinks at him.

“Why didn’t I spit on her?” he asks. Raidou nods. “Are you for real?”

“Didn’t she ask you to?” he asks.

“Would you spit on Kurenai?” Genma asks.

“If she said please, I don’t see why not.” Raidou shrugs.

Not for the first time, Genma wonders if he is the last sane man in the world. “You would spit on Kurenai if she said please.”

“It’s called listening to your partner.” Raidou says. For someone who refused to call Kurenai his girlfriend, he throws _partner_ around an awful lot.

“Well, Anko isn’t talking to me, is she?” Genma frowns.

“Words aren’t the only way to speak, Genma.” Raidou lies down on the bed. Genma takes the senbon out of his mouth and hurls it at the wall.

**

Genma watches Asuma throw a dart at the board, edging out Guy for a win. Kakashi is reading his book, minding his own business, for the most part. Raidou and Aoba are drinking beer, while Genma grinds his teeth on a senbon. Raidou told him that coming out to the bar would be good for him, but that has not been the case. If anything, it has worsened his mood considerably. The only ones without girl problems are Kakashi, who doesn’t chase girls, and Guy, who doesn’t feel that way about girls.

Even Aoba isn’t in a good mood, and it is very hard to annoy him.

The main theme for the X-Files blares loudly, making everyone look at Aoba. He takes his phone out of his pocket, and frowns as he checks a message. His cheeks puff up, and he starts texting what can only be paragraphs, and then deleting them. Genma is sitting beside him, so he can tell. His heart hurts when he sees Anko’s name. _So, her phone isn’t broken_.

“Want to share your troubles with the class?” Asuma asks, looking to commiserate. Aoba frowns.

“Anko is just being rude, that’s all.” He pushes his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose.

“What’d she do?” Asuma asks. He would never admit this, but he finds her eccentricities rather entertaining. Even when she’s an asshole, she’s pretty charming.

“She stood me up last night for a dick appointment.” He frowns, “we were going to try that new ramen place in the east end, and I was sitting there, drinking a beer, when I got an eggplant emoji, nothing else.” Aoba sighs. Raidou shoots Genma a worried look, which Kakashi, Guy and Asuma all clock. Aoba remains oblivious. “She’s trying to apologize right now, but I don’t feel like being placated.”

“What are you going to do?” Asuma asks.

“Send her porn gifs.” Aoba opens his phone, as they all blink at him.

“You’re going to send Anko porn?” Kakashi asks. Aoba nods thoughtfully.

“I’m going to send her this one, of a woman being peed on sexually.” No one says anything about the fact that he has this gif on file. “It’s the only one that has grossed her out, and I have sent her some gnarly shit.”

“Isn’t that kind of degrading?” Asuma asks, picking up a dart.

“No one can degrade Anko.” Aoba chirps. He knows this because she was shoving glue in his mouth when they were four. You have to be capable of feeling embarrassed in order to be degraded, and Anko is pathologically incapable of being shamed, not in the usual ways.

Aoba scoffs loudly when she hits back with a man being spit-roasted. He hits back with a gif of a woman puking on a dick. He is still oblivious to the sour look on Genma’s face, while everyone else looks at him with concern.

**

A week later, Anko shows up at Genma’s door, in the middle of the night, during a storm. She knocks once, twice. When he answers, he sees her hunched over and wet, looking conflicted. If he weren’t so mad at her, he would ask her what happened. But he has two weeks’ worth of resentment sitting inside of him.

“Anko,” he says. She smiles.

“Genma.”

“Where were you?” he asks. She blinks, unsure of why he is being so…difficult.

“What do you mean?” she asks. Genma’s eye twitches.

“I called you.” He says. Anko shrugs.

“So?”

“So!?” he retorts. He has spent the last two weeks going over every little detail of their time together, trying to find a reason for her to be mad at him. Now, here she is, acting like nothing was wrong.

“Were you worried?” she asks. Genma sighs.

“Yeah,” he pauses, “I thought I did something wrong.” Anko snorts.

“Clearly you didn’t,” she hums, pushing past him, and into his room. “I came back.” She grins, holding her trench coat tight around her. She thinks he is really, really going to like what she is about to do.

Anko doesn’t really do thirst. She isn’t into begging, or pleading, or desiring, not really. But Genma did make her feel like a raw nerve ending, and that ought to be rewarded. It’s not that she is leading him on, so much as she finds feelings and vulnerability and rawness to be overwhelming. Like they make her brain buzz endlessly and her stomach go into knots. It just takes time for her to process all of the things Genma made her feel.

So, she thinks her surprise will make up for her shitty communication skills. Genma’s hands are on his hips, and he looks irritated.

“Why couldn’t you tell me that you were coming back?” he asks. Anko smiles, unbuckling her coat. She takes it off, and it takes Genma a few seconds to realize that he is staring at her belly button, and that she is naked. “Stop playing with me,” he says. She smiles at the way he licks his top lip.

“I would never dream of it.” Anko says. He’s upon her in a second and she sighs when he pulls her against him.

**

Anko looks over her shoulder, gasping as Genma gives it harder. It’s what she keeps asking for; _harder, harder, harder_. He looks like he is concentrating, which, because it is focused on her, turns her on immensely. But she needs him to go further.

She wants him to hit her.

Not beat or hurt her. Just enough to leave a mark. “Hit me,” she pants. Genma frowns.

“What?” he asks.

“Hit me,” she sighs, “leave a mark on me.” Genma thinks about whether or not he wants to argue while he is inside of her. They have been going at it for a while, but when he touches his hand to the side of her hip, the skin is cold, clammy from her walk in the rain. He’s not really into the idea of hitting her, but he will do it if she says please.

“I don’t hear a please,” he sighs as she moves back onto him. Anko moans.

“Please,” she says, “hit me.” He smacks the side of her hip, but it only makes her jump. “I want it to hurt, _please_.” She looks back at him, her eyes wide. _She’s begging me_ , he thinks.

“You sure?” he asks.

“Absolutely,” she replies. “I want it to sting, and for there to be a bruise.”

“Alright,” he sighs. He pulls his arm back and smacks the side of her hip so hard that they lose their rhythm. She grips the comforter in her fists and puts her forehead against the bed.

“Again,” she asks. “Please.”

So, Genma strikes her again.

**

This is the first time, in his entire life, that Genma can honestly say that he is ashamed of his own orgasm. He hit Anko three, four times, and there is a red handprint on her hip. He came not long after, and he finished her with his hand.

They lie beside each other, looking up at the ceiling. Anko feels dirty for the way she gasped out his name, her forehead against the bed while he leaned over her back, his hand under her. It felt lewd. Vulgar. He clawed her orgasm out of her and made her feel like an animal. Now, she knows the first time wasn’t a fluke.

Genma turns to look at her. She is looking up at the ceiling, her expression unreadable. “Do you actually like me?” he asks. Anko turns to him, frowning.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, do you like me?” He says. Anko blinks.

“Of course, I like you,” she says quietly. She doesn’t show up at just anybody’s house naked, nor does she let anyone finger her. 

Genma looks doubtful, and she never learned how to be reassuring. He rolls over, not quite believing her, and she lets him, even though she doesn’t really want to.

**

Despite her appearance, Anko has a very cozy apartment. Lots of warm colours and comfortable seating. She doesn’t own a television, because she thinks they are an eyesore. So, when they get stoned at her place, they have to listen to music. Asuma and Aoba are bopping their heads as they put on different electronica pieces, the kind that play in hip bars where young people wear ugly things ironically. Genma was hoping they would gravitate towards classic rock, but that’s just because it’s what he and Raidou listen to when it’s just the two of them.

“You have so much music to do drugs to,” Aoba says, picking up another CD.

“You can do drugs to any kind of music,” Anko says, rolling the joint at her kitchen table. It’s a bright, cherry red that she painted herself (with Raidou’s help). Genma sits across from her, watching her pretty hands.

“I like your hands,” Genma says, without even thinking. Anko looks right at him, as she dabs the edge of the tissue thin paper against the tip of her tongue. She doesn’t say anything. He desperately wants her to say something.

“Are you two dating?” Aoba asks, curious to see what Anko will do if one of them forces the issue. Anko puts the joint down and laughs. Genma’s eye twitches.

“Sounds like a ‘no’ to me,” Asuma says. Aoba shrugs, and picks up another CD.

Genma leans towards Anko, an irritated look on his face. “Seriously?” he asks. Anko smirks.

“So seriously,” she says, “the most seriously.” Genma frowns.

“That wasn’t funny.” He says.

“Except it is,” she replies. It’s easy to laugh when Genma isn’t inside her. If Aoba had posed the question while she was on Genma’s dick, she would have had a serious answer. “You should be more secure.”

“Nothing you do makes me feel secure,” Genma says. Aoba and Asuma ignore their conversation. “Nothing I do?” Anko frowns. She thinks he ought to know how she feels by the way she arches her back and tells him to hit her harder.

“Uh-huh.” He says, crossing his arms. She thinks about answering, but she doesn’t respond to passive aggression. She won’t change. He can either leave or live with it.

**

Aoba has a scar on his chin, from when he fell on the fireplace in his parents’ house. Anko had watched him slip and fall, and she had been the one to scream. Aoba sort of lay there, looking up at her, dazed. They were four, and his mother took her to the hospital with them. Anko even got to sick next to him and watch the stitches go into his chin. _That looks so cool_ , she said, squeezing his hand. She spent the rest of the day sticking dinosaur stickers all over a piece of paper for him to put up on his wall, to make him feel better.

They’ve been drinking for the last four hours; he is sprawled on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. He still has that page of dinosaur stickers over his bed, even though he lives in his own place. He even put it in a frame _. You can’t buy a friendship like ours_. Anko lies on her side, looking at the scar on his chin. Her tummy hurts, and he is sleepy, so they are just lying there.

“I feel sick,” she hums.

“It’s because you are hurting Genma’s feelings.” Aoba drawls, pushing his glasses off his face to rub his eyes. “It’s guilt making you sick, not the liquor.”

“Wow, rude.” She says. He shrugs.

“Are you doing it on purpose?” he asks.

“Of course not,” she replies, rolling away for him. Aoba looks at her back and narrows his eyes when he sees the tell-tale shaking that indicates that she is going to have a meltdown.

“Are you going to cry?” he asks.

“Maybe,” she replies. Aoba frowns.

“Don’t cry,” he says, “there is nothing to be done. You are you and he is him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks, rolling over to look at him. Aoba smiles and stretches an arm over her stomach.

“It means that, eventually, you’ll put him out of his misery and rip his head off after copulation.” Anko giggles, and Aoba smiles at her. She gets up to get two glasses of water, and when she’s back, he has already fallen asleep.

**

Genma lies next to Anko, looking into her eyes. She’s smiling at him, something she doesn’t do often but has been happening with increasing frequency. He rolls onto his side and kisses her shoulder. “What?” she sighs.

“Want to go out sometime?”

“Out?” she repeats, snorting. Genma nods.

“Like, on a date.” He smiles, “I could take you out for dinner.” Anko blinks at him, sitting up on her elbows.

“If it involves the two of us wearing clothes, I want nothing to do with it,” she declares, sitting up and hopping off of the bed. Genma doesn’t say anything, choosing to lie back and watch her get dressed. It bothers him, and she knows it. It’s why he says nothing, and she hums under her breath.

**

Theirs is a relationship lacking in softness. Anko rejects tenderness. She only allows softness when he is inside of her, and even then, he has to be forceful about it. He sits up on his elbows, watching her suck his dick. It feels good, except, he knows it won’t after she leaves and doesn’t call him for another week. She’s inconsistent with her affection. It doesn’t feel very nice. He doesn’t want much, but if he is in a relationship, he wants it to have more substance than fucking every few weeks when the mood strikes. Why have a partner if you can’t rely on them?

“Anko,” he puts his hand on her cheek, “can you stop, please?”

She opens her mouth and looks up at him. No man has ever asked her to stop sucking his dick. “Is something wrong?” she asks. Genma frowns.

“I don’t think I want to have sex with you anymore.” He looks kinda sad. Anko sits back on her heels, before standing up. She doesn’t say anything as she walks over to pick up her coat. “Anko?”

“Yes?” she asks, her voice cold.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. Anko frowns.

“We have nothing to talk about.” She sniffs. Genma looks down at himself, thinking about whether or not he should stick his dick back in his pants or if he should just leave it out. _Decisions, decisions_.

“I want something serious.” He says, “I told you to stop, because I don’t think you’ll give it to me.” Anko pulls on her coat, glaring at him.

“You’re right,” she says, “I’ll never give it to you. Not in this lifetime, or the next.” She slips her shoes back on, before walking out the door and slamming it behind her. Genma winces at the noise. _That could’ve gone better_.

**

They are all sitting at the long table in the bar. Asuma and Kakashi are telling Aoba how, precisely their genin annoy them. Guy and Shizune are debating the finer points of chakra control, while Kurenai is telling Raidou to just let her, help him, fix his brother’s car. Raidou insists that she can’t, but she counters that his hands are too big to get in where they need to. Genma, sits back and watches the chaos, grateful that Anko hasn’t shown up.

They haven’t spoken since he told her that he doesn’t want to have sex anymore. He stands by that judgement. Of course, he _wants_ to have sex with her, he just knows that it will hurt, if not now, later.

He breathes a sigh of relief, until he looks over his shoulder, at the bar entrance, to see Ibiki and Anko saunter in. Ibiki waves at him, but he sees Anko glare at him. _Uh oh_ , Genma thinks. Everyone else is distracted, so no one but Ibiki and Genma see the way she storms over to Genma. When she gets to his side, she cocks her hip and crosses her arms.

“Hi,” she says.

“Howdy,” he replies. Kurenai smiles at Anko, waving before Raidou distracts her. “Is there a reason you are standing over me?”

“Perhaps,” she narrows her eyes. Genma sighs.

“Look, Anko, don’t start with me,” he says, “I’m not in the mood.”

“You’re never in the mood.” She hisses, “when it comes to listening to my feelings.”

“Your _feelings_?” he asks. “All I have ever wanted from you is to know your feelings!” The last bit comes out a little loud, and Kurenai and Raidou look at them. Ibiki sits at the head of the table, between Asuma and Aoba. When he looks up at Anko, he sees her hovering over Genma. Ibiki blinks, so Aoba, Kakashi and Asuma look over too. When they realize that everyone is silent, Shizune and Guy look over as well.

Genma, however, is too focused on Anko to care. “You always want to talk on your terms, when they are my feelings.” Anko says. Genma rolls his eyes.

“Part of being in a relationship is being honest with how you’re feeling!” Genma retorts.

“You know I’m bad at talking about my feelings.” She says.

“You’re not bad, you don’t even try.” He says. “It’s like you want to keep me out.”

“Because they are private.” She says. Genma glares at her.

“Well, since you’re in a mood to talk and clearly, feeling honest, tell everyone here,” he gestures to the rest of the table, “how _exactly_ you feel about me.” Anko scoffs.

“How I feel about you?” she asks. “You want to know how I feel?”

“Yes,” he says, clearly frustrated, “all I want is some emotional clarity.”

“Clarity,” she repeats, “are you sure that’s what you want?”

“I want it to be crystal.” Genma stands up, over her.

“Guys,” Raidou stands up, behind Anko. “Do you really want to do this in front of everyone?” Anko and Genma both glare at him at the same time.

“Anko feels like talking, so we should let her,” Genma says. Raidou backs off, but he stays standing up. He gives Kurenai a look, and she nods, knowing she has agreed to help him remove Anko if she strikes out at Genma.

“You know how I feel?” she asks.

“No,” Genma replies.

“I feel like you don’t hit me hard enough to make emotional demands of me.”

Asuma turns white, while poor Aoba, who always seems to be around when these things are happening, chokes. Kakashi blinks, thinking he misheard something. Ibiki’s jaw goes slack, like completely hanging open. Guy freezes, while Shizune covers her mouth. Kurenai looks at Raidou, who is blinking at her. She silently thanks him for never, ever not giving it to her right. She doesn’t think that she would do something like confronting him in public, but she would be pretty mad.

Genma narrows his eyes at her. “Well, I’m not going to hit you again, so my inadequacies are not going to be your problem anymore.”

“Fuck you,” Anko spits. She lunges forward, and Raidou grabs her around the waist. “Fuck you!” She tries to elbow Raidou, but he drags her out of the bar, as she shouts obscenities. Kurenai gets up and touches Genma’s arm before she follows Anko and Raidou.

Genma looks back, before sitting down. Everyone looks at him. “What?” he asks. Everyone goes back to what they were doing, while Genma broods. He considers leaving the bar and following Anko, but he likes the current arrangement of his facial features.

Outside the bar, Anko still struggles against Raidou. “Let me go!” She hisses. Raidou grunts.

“Do you promise to stay out here?” he asks. Anko hesitates, so Raidou leans down into her ear. “If you stay out here and talk to me, I will let you go.” Anko nods her head, so Raidou releases her. Kurenai comes out of the bar, tucking her hair beyond her ear.

“Why won’t he hit me?” Anko asks. Kurenai frowns.

“What?” she asks.

“Why won’t Genma hit me the way I want him to?” Anko can take physical hits, but these emotional ones are infinitely harder.

“It’s because he likes you,” Kurenai says softly. “That’s why he wants to know how you feel about him.” Actually, he really, _really_ likes Anko. Raidou has told Kurenai all about it.

“That’s stupid.” Anko huffs. “Men don’t care.” Raidou opens his mouth to challenge her, but Kurenai hushes him.

“Genma cares,” she says softly. Anko puts her head in her hands, and says she wants Aoba to come out here and take her home. Kurenai sighs.

 _Baby_.

**

Genma sits, bare naked, on his bed, rubbing his eyes. _Tonight, was a disaster_. He doesn’t know he managed to make eye contact with everyone once they found out that, not only does Anko want him to hit her in bed, but the he doesn’t even do it hard enough. He sighs. In hindsight, he really shouldn’t have engaged with her. Now that he thinks about it, he shouldn’t have told her that he wanted to stop seeing her mid-blow job.

Anko, like all of them, is damaged. But she uses eccentricity as an armour, and Genma is one of the few who knows where all the real wounds are. She likes being hit during sex because she, on some level, thinks it’s what she really deserves. Some people like being hit or slapped or choked because it’s fun, but she isn’t one of those people. Genma knows that she rejects his attempts at vulnerability because they are scarier than being smacked around.

If he could, Genma would suck all the fear and self-loathing out of her. There would be no room for doubt, for fear; only them. Raidou once said that sex is about trying to find something in someone else, and Genma believes he has found that thing within Anko. He can’t articulate what it is, he just knows that it is there. The thing-in-itself. _Das Ding an sich_. One can only know the effects of causality, but not the source of causality itself. The generative principle, the thing-in-itself that exists when Genma is inside Anko, is something he cannot grasp in and of itself, but he can comprehend that is exists and has real effects in the world.

He sighs at himself. He just mutilated a complex, abstract concept in German philosophy just to gives his relationship with Anko meaning. He has it bad. Genma rubs his eyes again, when he hears a knock on his door. “Who is it?” he asks.

“It’s me.” Genma immediately stops rubbing his eyes and looks at the door.

“Anko?” he asks, not standing up.

“Can I come in?” she asks. He nods, before he remembers that she can’t see him.

“Yeah,” he pauses, “I’m not wearing any clothes.”

“It’s fine,” she says, turning the door handle. She pushes the door open and smiles sheepishly at him. Her eyes are rimmed in red and she seems deflated. “How are you?” she asks. Genma sighs.

“I’ve been better.” He says.

Genma can apprehend the phenomena of his love for her, in the sense that he knows its effects. The way it changes his voice, the way it makes his heart beat faster, that he wants to be with her all the time. But he cannot directly apprehend it, in and of itself. He just knows it exists. He wonders if she does to, or if the thing between them, made by them, really, is another thing she tries to block out with pills and eccentricities and rough sex.

He watches her hang up her coat, slip off her shoes. “Are we going to pretend that you didn’t yell at me in front of all our friends?” he asks. She looks up at him, shaking her head.

“No,” she says softly.

“Where the fuck are we supposed to go from here?” he asks. Anko pads over to him, sitting beside him.

“Nowhere,” she says quietly. “We’re going to go nowhere.” She leans towards his mouth, but he turns away.

“This is depressing.” He declares. “I don’t want to have depressing sex with you.” Anko tilts her head, smiling. “And I’m not going to hit you, either.”

“Okay,” she says, standing up. Genma watches her back, wondering if she is calling his bluff. _I’ll do whatever you want._

“Are you leaving?” he asks. Anko turns to him, grinning.

“Only if you want me to.” She says. Anko had changed before coming here. She pulls her dress over her head, and Genma takes note of the fact that she is wearing baby pink panties, with a bow on the front. Her bra matches. He didn’t even know she owned underwear like this, let alone would wear it.

“That underwear isn’t very _you_.” He says. Anko looks down, and shrugs.

“I wear it so that it gets taken off.” She says, “besides, I wanted to look at least a little sorry.”

“You told our friends that I don’t hit you hard enough,” he says, “how am I supposed to forgive you for that?” Anko, for once, looks uncertain. She actually has no idea how he is supposed to get over it.

“At least they know you don’t like hitting women.” She says, weakly. Genma makes a low noise in the back of his throat.

“Well, they know I have hit a woman, now.” He sighs.

“But I asked for it. I said please and everything.” Anko sits on his lap, her arms around his neck. “I came all over you and everything.” It’s true. Things were infinitely messier when he gave into her demands. “I’ll go back and tell them.” She kisses his jawline, and Genma sighs.

“No, that’s not necessary,” he smirks, “I think they know you like it. Although, I am offended that you claimed I don’t deliver.” There are hand shaped bruises, of various shades, all over her body. Anko shifts on his lap, kissing his chin.

“Is kissing on the mouth too intimate?” he asks. Anko licks his jawline, not answering. His spine shivers, and she grins when he finally pins her under him. She knows that, deep down, he likes being a little forceful as much as she likes it when he does it. He hovers over her for a second, before moving down to take off her underwear.

Sitting back on his heels, Genma looks at her, thoughtfully. Anko wiggles her hips, but he just looks up at her, amused.

“What?” he asks.

“Why are you sitting there?” she replies. He smirks.

“I’m thinking about how, exactly, I want to fuck you.” Genma throws her underwear onto the ground. “Do you have any preferences?” Anko sighs.

“I want you to rip me up into tiny pieces,” she tilts her head. “I want you to tear me up.” Genma nods, thinking.

“Okay,” he replies, “I’ll tear you up.”

“Into tiny pieces?” she asks.

“The tiniest.” He replies.

The thing-in-itself is such a slippery concept because, it originates as a phrase to describe something that doesn’t yet have a name for it overwhelms any words that could define it. Love is an example of the evasiveness of the thing. Genma can talk about what loving Anko feels like, how it moves him through the world, but he will never have a satisfactory purchase upon it. More often than not, it feels like he hangs off the edge of a cliff, trying to figure out what the hell exactly compels him towards Anko.

Anko sits up and unclips her own bra, trying and failing to look casual while doing it. Genma doesn’t say anything, but she can tell that he thinks her desire for him is kinda funny. She isn’t a dignified person, but she is an independent one. The fact that taking her bra off is when she chooses to appear aloof and dignified is pretty funny. You can’t really take your clothes off for someone in a way that is disinterested.

When Genma moves forward he puts a hand on her leg, his palm pressed to the inside of her knee, as he looks at her. “Do you trust me to tear you up?” he asks. Anko sits up on her elbows.

“Yes.” Genma is, in all honesty, the only man other than Aoba she really trusts. Genma traces the line between her belly and her thighs, starting from the outside of her hip, trailing down, down to the core. His eyes flick up to her. She has only ever let him finger her, and that’s just if she doesn’t finish with him. He doesn’t know how she will respond to his request. He just hopes she says yes.

“May I eat you out?” he asks. Anko presses her lips together.

“Why?” she asks. It makes her nervous.

“I think you might like it,” he says softly, “but we don’t have to.” Anko looks into his eyes and thinks about the shitty way she has treated him this entire time. Not calling him. Laughing at his attempts to be close. Storming out or yelling at him instead of talking to him.

For the first time, it dawns on her, how much time she has wasted being ‘unavailable’ to him. For no reason, other than her own emotional hang ups. She isn’t stupid. Anko knows that Genma, idiot man that he is, has gone and fallen in love with her. He’s too soft for her, or, maybe, she is too weak for him. She yelled at him in front of all their friends and he welcomes her, offering to treat her nicely, to take care of her. _I don’t deserve you_.

If there is any man worthy of putting his mouth to her, it is Genma. Splitting her legs open, she smiles. “Please.” Genma smiles, before ducking down to her. From her angle, it looks like he is diving down into her. Which, in a way, he is. Anko looks at the top of his head, trying very hard to forget the last time a man did this to her. It had been, as Shizune puts it, the kind of sexual experience where you realize, midway through, how much you don’t want to be there. Not sexual assault; just deep, gut-level regret. Every woman Anko knows has one of those.

Genma can feel her tensing. He stops and looks up at her. “Is this okay?” he asks. Anko blinks.

“Yes.”

“Then why are you so tight?” he pokes her hard tummy. Anko exhales through her nose, not wanting to get into it but knowing Genma will tell if she’s lying.

“I didn’t like the way the last person who ate me out did it,” she says, “the body doesn’t forget so easily. But keep going, please.” She says. Genma doesn’t say anything. He just nods and gets back down there.

It doesn’t feel like much, at first. She figures out pretty quickly that Genma is just exploring, before he focuses on chasing her orgasm. A few minutes later, her tummy flutters. She opens further, moaning. Genma moves forward, using his mouth and fingers to make her feel things. There is an unmistakable feeling pooling in the bottom of her pelvis. It is a golden, new kind of feeling. Usually, he has to claw her orgasms out of her. Anko never realized that an orgasm could be coaxed out, to come out on its own.

She sighs. It feels like she is getting bigger, more expansive. Like she is going to burst. There is a tell-tale tingle up her spine. That glimmering, honeyed feeling, big and warm. The buzzing in her brain, right behind her eyes. Genma was right; she really, really likes whatever he is doing. She puts her hand in his hair, completely forgetting everything except his mouth and his name. He reduces her brain to a pile of goo. It’s amazing, really.

“Genma,” she says in a shake-y voice, trying to sound like she isn’t on the precipice. He hears her, loud and clear. He moves harder and she lets out a small cry, knotting her hands in his hair. He likes how it hurts, so he keeps going. Faster, faster, harder. Sucking and kissing and licking and touching, until Anko cries out and her lower half goes slack. Genma moves up above her, and he opens his mouth to speak. Before he can, she moves up and kisses him. It’s the most open and loving she has never been with him. Her fingers drum along his cheekbone. It makes him soar. All he wants it her approval.

She pulls back first, her eyes lidded with a dumb smile on her face. “Thanks,” she says quietly. Genma smiles, before kissing her lower lip.

“I’m going to tear you apart,” he says quietly. She grins.

“From limb to limb, please.” She reaches between them, and pulls him in. Anko moves slow, on purpose. She likes seeing him sweat, and she has come to savor their time together. She will never admit this, but he could literally fuck her forever and it would be over too soon. Genma, instinctively, knows this is the case. But he has never broached the subject of her desire for him. He has let her deny him. But if he is going to properly tear her apart, into those tiny pieces she so badly wants to be…well, she has to stop denying him the validation he craves.

When he is inside her, he rests his forehead on hers, not speaking. They breathe on each other for a second, and she lets herself relax in their _completeness_ , a phrase Kurenai told her about but something she only came to understand with Genma.

“How do you really feel about me?” he asks. Anko gulps.

“Like I really want you to move,” she replies quietly.

“That’s not what I mean,” he says, “and you know it.” His insistence upon emotional honesty is one of his more attractive qualities. There isn’t a truly duplicitous bone in his body. He doesn’t take very much seriously, but he doesn’t lie to himself or other people. She bites her lower lip and bumps him with her hips, but he doesn’t move. “I won’t give you what you want until you give me what I want.” _Quid pro quo_.

She denies that she is in love, until he has her right here. Anko puts a hand up to his cheek and looks for a creative way to state the obvious. “You’re the only person who can tear me up into tiny, little pieces.”

“It’s the same for me too.” He starts moving slowly. Anko opens herself wide, cracking apart so that all that is soft is open and vulnerable to him. It feels really, really good to do this, even though it will hurt tomorrow morning when she is long gone, and he is alone. She lies back and looks up at him; the hair he refuses to cut short, his sharp cheekbones, his swollen lower lip.

Before Anko, he always understood that not calling and being noncommittal with someone you are fucking, sexually or otherwise, is incredibly rude. But she has helped him understand why Kurenai gets mad when Raidou refuses to call her his girlfriend and Shizune has given up on romantic attachment all together. It hurts, when the person you desire most refuses to acknowledge you the way you want them to, even if it is the most affection, they are capable of. He and Kurenai are close, but he has never experienced such raw, radical empathy with her before. _I really should’ve been on Raidou’s case_ , he thinks, before he dismisses everyone but Anko from his head.

He moves against her, but she is the one chasing him. With her hips, her hands, her mouth. She kisses along his jaw as he breathes above her, moving as hard and fast as he can. It’s like she is pulling him in, further and further. How deep can he go? How close can they get? Is there even a bottom to hit?

She shifts down, and he hits the right spot for both of them. The end is quite ugly. Anko’s face twists. Genma groans. She clenches around him, and he thrusts into her one last time. He sighs into her neck, and completely relaxes on top of her.

“Genma?” she asks. Her voice is tiny. It sounds far away, even though her mouth is right by his ear. He grunts in response, prepared for anything. “I love you,” she says softly.

He was ready for anything, but _that_.

**

Genma sits next to Raidou, his arms crossed over his chest. He told Raidou about what happened. No stranger to messy relationships, Raidou doesn’t judge him.

“You know, at least you stood your ground in front of all of us,” Raidou says. “It really and truly _looked_ over.”

“I want it to stay over,” Genma’s voice is bitter.

“It’s not over until you stop swapping spit,” Raidou says. Genma nods.

“I know.” It’s too bad that he likes the taste of Anko’s spit. It really could have been something.

**

Anko looks up at Aoba, a big frown on her face. “I said I love you, and I meant it.” Aoba sighs, loudly.

“I know.” He sits down beside her on the bench. “You wouldn’t put so much effort into getting away from him otherwise.”

“He deserves better,” she croaks. Aoba makes a humming noise.

“That’s for him to decide,” he answers noncommittally.

“What do you think? Do you think he deserves a monster like me?” she asks. Aoba gives her a funny look, tilting his head.

“It’s not a question of whether or not he deserves it. I think that you two are never going to work it out.” She doesn’t know if it hurts more to know it or to hear it said out loud.

**

When she turns up at his door that night, he really thinks about turning her away. But she opens herself to him once more, and he can’t resist. He tears her up, shredding her into little pieces, and she comes so hard she thinks about telling him that she loves him again. She rolls over to lie on top of him, the most intimate she has even been after sex. Genma looks distracted. Distant.

“Where are you?” she asks, tapping his chin with her pointer finger. He looks up at her ceiling.

“We’re never going to work out,” he says.

“Yeah,” she says softly.

So, he kisses her, slipping inside, looking for the bottom, where there is none to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I came off my high of yesterday and have hit a brick wall. I added a few scenes and thought I'd post this early, since Naruto is full of filler and, quite frankly, that filler was sometimes way more entertaining than the actual plot.
> 
> I wish I had done more with Genma, Anko and Aoba. I've been sitting on this for awhile, but now feels like the right time to share it. We're back to our regular scheduled programming next week! Thank you for your comments and for reading this thing. Your support means a lot, and your comments make me laugh. I'm sorry for this not moving the plot forward, but it's still entertaining so -shrug- what can you do?


	25. A Chance of Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Hinata.

“I’d love to see me from your point of view”

Ariana Grande, “pov”

Raidou jumps up, twisting in the air and landing behind Mirai. He taps his wooden sword to the inside of her knee. “Too slow!” She turns around and scowls at him.

“It’s not fair.” She says, turning around to face him. Her own wooden sword is in her hand. They were the ones Raidou and his brother practiced with when their dad was teaching them kenjutsu.

“What’s not fair?” Raidou grins as he asks the question, completely aware of what she means.

“You’re bigger and stronger than me,” she says. “That’s why you keep beating me.” Raidou laughs out loud at that one, dropping his sword to the ground.

Mirai’s eyes widen before they narrow, and she throws her own sword to the ground, crossing her arms. He puts a hand over his mouth, trying to keep himself from laughing.

“What’s so funny?” she asks. Raidou takes a second to breathe, in and out, putting his hands on his hips.

“Because you are acting like I don’t want you to beat me one day.” He says, “why do you think I’m teaching you this? For you to be a loser?” Mirai screws her face up. She looks just like Asuma did whenever Himself would beat him up.

“I don’t get it,” she’s blunt, like Genma. Raidou kneels down, so he has to look up at her.

“I’m teaching you kenjutsu so one day, you’ll surpass me.” He hums, “you’ve gotten better, you know.”

“But you keep beating me!” Her voice is shrill. Raidou has this way of being everywhere at once, that makes it difficult to figure out where he is actually coming from. Mirai thinks she has dinged an arm, but then he taps her knee or neck. She just wants to win, one time.

“But I’m being trickier,” he says, “you won’t get better if I let you win.” Mirai glowers down at him, sticking her chin out. It is a very Kurenai expression. Mirai keeps her hair short, and she wears shorts rather than skirts, but they make similar expressions.

“But I would have more fun.” She pouts. Raidou grins.

“You know what my dad used to say when I complained?”

“What?” she asks. Mirai loves hearing about Raidou’s dad, almost as much as Asuma and the Third. She told Raidou that it’s because she wants to know more about where he’s from, about the people who made him possible.

“He told me that I’ll be grateful when I come home alive.” Raidou’s father has saved his hide more times than he can count. Mirai frowns.

“Bummer.” She replies. Raidou shrugs.

“It’s the truth,” he says, “he kicked my ass so many times, I can say that I’ve had enemies more merciful than him. At least I don’t knock you down.” Not yet. She’s got to get good enough to warrant Raidou knocking her down.

“So? How am I supposed to learn that way?” she replies, picking up her sword. Raidou watches her pick his up as well and hold it out to him.

“Well, eventually I got tired of being knocked around.” Raidou’s father said that he was more of a handful than his brother had been. _Your brother is impossible to bait, but you son, you have a real temper_. All Raidou has to do is find Mirai’s temper. “I think I was thirteen when I knocked him on his ass.”

“But that’s four years from now!” Mirai holds her hands over her heads, in a gesture of exasperation and mock despair.

“Well, I bet you’ll knock me down faster than that.” He says, standing up. “You’re already ahead of me, from where I was at your age.”

“Really?” Mirai says, her eyes wide. Raidou nods.

“Oh, yes.” He puts a hand on her shoulder and smiles into her eyes. “I’ll always be bigger and heavier, but you’re going to be faster than me, even faster than your dad.” He smiles. “Want to know a secret?”

“What?” she whispers. Raidou kneels back down and cups his hands so he is speaking right into her ear.

“You know that I move I just showed you?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I wasn’t ready to learn that until I was eleven.” She opens her mouth in an ‘o’ before she beams at him.

“You mean that?” she asks. Raidou nods, smiling.

“You’re going to be better than me, and I was better than my dad and my brother.” He wasn’t offered the position of assassin for no reason. The Third always said that his father would be proud of the swordsman he became, always careful to leave out that, while his father loved him, he wouldn’t like what Raidou did with the skills he was taught. Yuugao’s father said that Raidou’s father always talked about him. He knew it was supposed to be a compliment, but it always made him feel bad for not being the kind of man his father wanted him to be.

Mirai gives him a thoughtful expression. “Where are you?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“My head.” He stands up, brushing his knees off. He freezes when he feels the edge of her wood sword on the back of his neck.

“Too slow.” She giggles. Raidou drops his sword, and wraps his arms around her waist, lifting her high into the air. She squeals loud, hanging upside down, laughing when he spins around to make them both dizzy.

**

Yuugao sits on Yamato’s couch, her legs curled beneath her, arms crossed. He lives in a small apartment, with clean lines and nice furniture. She has slept beside him in bed, but Yuugao has had some of the best sleeps of her life on this couch.

“Hurry!” Yuugao calls, feeling impatient. Yamato leaves his room with a towel around his waist, annoyed.

“I need to shower and put on clean underwear.” He’s not annoyed with her, so much as the situation. _This is what I get for waking up late_. Yamato woke up to her face in his, staring at him, unimpressed. He rolled out of bed in a panic, groaning when he realized it was 11 AM. He and Yuugao were supposed to get breakfast at 9. She loves him so much, she skipped breakfast and came here, and apparently, thought he looked so sweet and peaceful, that he should stay asleep.

“I’m so hungry, I don’t even care.” She says, “you shower every day, just skip it.”

“The bar is low for men, and I intend to clear it,” he says, walking into the bathroom.

“You always clear the bar,” she calls, “you have SET my expectations for men, and Raidou was pretty good to me.” Yamato pokes his head out of the bathroom.

“You think I’m better than Kakashi?” he asks, a hopeful look on his face. Before Yuugao, no one ever said that Yamato was their favorite between the two.

“I always tell him so that he doesn’t forget,” she winks. Yamato does a little happy dance, before closing the door to the bathroom.

**

Kurenai and Raidou are alone. He is sitting on a chair in the living room, reading the newspaper, while Kurenai sits on the couch, her feet on the coffee table, balancing an open bottle of nail polish on her knee. She is painting her fingernails crimson. The name is Dragon’s Blood. Raidou knows this because Mirai forced him to choose between that and a color called Candy Apple Crush, and then buy it for Kurenai. She wears it frequently, so it was a good investment.

Raidou has thought about his conversation with Shin. He has gone through it over and over in his mind. He thinks about it when he is in bed, on the toilet, in the shower, at work. Everywhere. _What if I don’t get hurt?_ Raidou doesn’t know what to do with himself. His tummy ties in knots when he thinks about it. Kurenai hasn’t said anything to him, but that probably means that she is going to let him take the lead on this one.

Raidou looks over at her, setting his newspaper down. He clears his throat, and she looks over at him. “Can we talk?”

“Sure,” she smiles, “what do you want to talk about?”

“What having sex meant to me.” He replies, playing with the rings on his fingers. “I want to talk about us, Kurenai.” She nods.

“I want to talk about us too,” she says softly. He has no idea how badly she wants to talk to him about what happened between them.

“Okay,” he says, “well, I really liked the sex we had.” Kurenai smirks at that one.

“We are pretty good at it.” She replies, closing the nail polish on her knee. She sets it on the coffee table, and stands up, walking across the room. “We could win Olympic medals with the kind of sex we have.” She was never able to talk him into making a dirty movie, but she does have a few naked polaroids of him, from when they were in their twenties. Her favorite is one of him, age twenty-six, sitting naked on the corner of her bed, brushing his teeth and scowling at the camera. The light was especially dreamy, and his skin looks good.

This is a digression, but, needless to say, Kurenai is convinced that, had they made a dirty movie in their prime, it would be award-winning material. Raidou sits back, gesturing for her to sit on his lap. Kurenai sits on him, putting her arms around his neck.

“Olympic medals,” he hums, putting an arm around her waist. She nods.

“We’re that good,” she says. “Want to tell me why you waited to bring this up?” Kurenai knows why, but she wants him to confirm it for her. Raidou swallows.

“Because I don’t want to get hurt again,” he replies, “and it’s easier to avoid my feelings instead of dealing with them, even if it’s worse long term.” She runs her hands through his hair, with no regard for her nail polish and it clicks for him that this conversation is going to be a lot easier than he built it up to be in his head.

“Did you think I’d yell at you?” she asks softly. Raidou sighs.

“I didn’t really know what to expect,” he replies, “and it’s not just about us. There’s Mirai and Genma and Yuugao, all of whom are going to be impacted if we start, you know, dating again.” Every time he refers to their nine years together as dating, Kurenai glows inside. It’s nice to hear him acknowledge it, even if it is so late in the game.

“But Raidou, what do you want from me?” she asks, “bracket everyone else out.” Kurenai looks down at him, and he doesn’t see the point in obfuscating.

“I want to be with you,” he says, “I still really, really love you, and I want to step up for you.” Raidou wraps his arms around her waist. “Please,” he adds, like an afterthought. Kurenai’s mouth hangs open in a small ‘o,’ not because she is surprised so much as can’t believe that she’s actually getting a second chance to have who she has wanted since she was a girl. Not only that, but Raidou came to her, and wants to step up for her, when all he has done over the past decade is step up for her and Mirai.

Raidou watches her face, nervous with each second that she doesn’t say anything to him. It’s possible that she doesn’t feel the same way as he does. If that is the case, well, he’s fucked, he supposes. He is in the middle of considering whether or not he completely misread the entire situation when she nods.

“Yes,” she says, “there is nothing more I would like to do than be with you.” Kurenai smiles down at him, and he blinks.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Is this all it takes?” he asks, dumbfounded by how easy this was. Kurenai takes his face in her hands.

“This is all it ever took,” she kisses him. When she pulls away, she plays with his hair. “This makes me really happy.” Raidou looks up at her, eyes big like he’s a little kid.

“I still can’t really believe it.” He says, “we’re going to be in a real relationship.”

“Real?” she snorts, “what were we doing before?”

“Dancing around it,” he says. “I’m sorry I didn’t do this sooner.” Kurenai shrugs.

“Well, we got Mirai out of it, so it’s for the best,” she replies. They both sit in silence for a bit, thinking about the lives they were supposed to have. “You want to know something wild?”

“What?” he asks. Kurenai scratches his scalp with her nails.

“I don’t feel like I’m settling at all.” That’s what being with anyone other than Raidou would feel like. He nods, because he feels the same. Being with anyone other than Kurenai is laughable.

“We have to be intentional,” he says, “and we should take things slow.”

“Intentional? Slow?” Kurenai asks. She doesn’t want Raidou to blue ball her any more than he already has.

“Like, are we going to sleep in the same bed? When are we going to tell Mirai and Genma?” he says, “I don’t want to confuse Mirai or give Genma another stroke, and I want this to work, and I’m afraid that it won’t, and not only will I look stupid, Mirai and Genma will get hurt because we live together.” He and Kurenai never meant to intentionally hurt each other or other people, but they are at a point in their lives where that is absolutely not an option.

Kurenai tilts her head. “I can tell you, with complete confidence, that I will never, ever let you go unless you want to.” She moves on his lap, so she can press herself into him. “I’m not going to make you look stupid.” She doesn’t believe that she ever has, but that is separate from whether or not she made him feel stupid.

“What if you do?” he asks quietly. She frowns.

“Well, you can tell everyone that it was my fault.” She keeps scratching his head, looking into his eyes. “But the truth is that if I ever let you go. I would be the stupid one.”

“You mean that?” he asks. Kurenai nods.

“I would be the dumbest woman alive if I messed this up.” Kurenai kisses him again. Raidou smiles.

“Really?”

“Yes,” she says, kissing him again. She whines when he breaks it off. “What?”

“We need to take it slow,” he hums, “it’s not just us anymore.”

“You’ve said that before,” she says. Raidou leans his head back on the chair.

“I mean it.” He says, “we have to be on our best behaviour.”

“But what do you mean by slow?” she asks, “because I really don’t want to be blue balled.” Raidou snorts.

“That’s such an Asuma expression.”

“Well, I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.” She hums.

“Yuugao is better,” he replies, “I can safely say I came out on top.” Kurenai puffs her cheeks and Raidou laughs. “Are we not allowed to joke about it?”

“I mean, it seems rude to be mean to a dead man.”

“Trust me, Asuma agrees,” Raidou says, “she’s thoughtful, doesn’t smoke, wouldn’t say ‘blue balled’ with sincerity, and she is way, way prettier than him. Admit it, if it were on looks alone, even you would choose Yuugao.” Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“Asuma had a nice dick,” she says, “and I bet Yuugao doesn’t have one of those,” not thinking. She and Raidou blink at each other. Raidou starts laughing first, but it is Kurenai who has to cover her mouth.

“Yuugao with a dick…” Raidou gasps. “For what it’s worth, I would definitely let her put her dick in my mouth.” Kurenai smirks.

“What if I had a dick?” she simpers, “would you put it in your mouth?” Raidou shrugs, like _duh_. Unsatisfied with his reaction, she ups the ante. “Would you let Yuugao and I tag team you?” Kurenai grins at the surprise on Raidou’s face. “What, have you never thought of the three of us, you know…” She bobs her head from side to side as she trails off. Raidou looks really uncomfortable.

“I’ve tried,” he admits, “but I can’t suspend disbelief.”

“What?”

“I can’t rub one out to the idea of you and Yuugao because I know one or both of you would rip my dick off for suggesting it.” He sighs, “and since there’s no way to imagine the fantasy coming about, it’s just dead in the water. The two of you having dicks doesn’t change it for me.”

“I don’t think we’d rip your dick off,” Kurenai says, “but you definitely wouldn’t get any until you apologized for even having the thought.”

“Exactly!” He exclaims, “I can’t even have the fantasy without thinking of how much _work_ it would take just to avoid being killed, or one of you killing the other; it’s just not worth it, so I think of you, one at a time, changing it up every time, because I believe in fairness and taking turns.” He sighs, “neither of you let me know peace, not even in my fantasies.” Kurenai smiles at him.

“I never thought about a threesome with you and Asuma,” she says, “I just knew you two wouldn’t be into it. You’d both be like ‘ew’ the whole time.” Kurenai presses herself to him, “but you and Genma? Now, I could totally see that being fun.” She wiggles her eyebrows, and Raidou makes a face.

“Leave Genma alone,” he says, “the last thing either of us need is for him to overhear this conversation.”

“What? Are you afraid to admit that you kinda like it?” Kurenai strokes the arch of his ear, “he’s very pretty, and let’s face it, that’s your type.” Raidou scrunches his nose and turns away when she tries to kiss him. She whines at him, but he remains unmoved. “What?”

“I’m just thinking about how you would gut me for suggesting the same thing, if it were Shizune instead of Genma.” He says, “the delusional part of each of these scenarios is the idea of you sharing me with anyone. Or sharing, period.” Kurenai shrugs.

“You’re not wrong.” She wiggles in his lap. “Want to make out?” Raidou blinks.

“Here?”

“Sure.”

“What if Mirai or Genma come in?” Kurenai laughs at his question.

“I’ll sense them before they come through the door.” She says, stroking his jaw with a finger.

“Are you saying my kissing isn’t enough to distract you?” he pouts, and Kurenai smiles.

“Well, if you actually kissed me, I could properly judge whether or not it would be a distraction.” She moves her face closer to his. He sighs.

“There is no way to get out of kissing you.”

“Absolutely not,” she smiles.

“We need to go slow,” he says, “and if we’re going to do it here, we need to keep our clothes on.” Kurenai makes an innocent expression, nodding.

“I won’t go below the belt,” she says, “I won’t even put my hands up your shirt.” Raidou gives her a hard look.

“You promise to behave?” he asks.

“Yes, daddy.” She smirks at the face he makes.

“You want me to stroke out,” he says with mock despair. Kurenai kisses him. Raidou lets her, leaning back in the chair. “You’re evil.”

“I know,” she sighs into his mouth, “it’s because I love you so much.” Raidou hums in response.

**

Kurenai sits across from Hinata. There are two sticks of dumplings between them. There are three dumplings on each stick; green, white, pink. It is like the time Kurenai took her out for dumplings when she was a girl. Hinata couldn’t stop fidgeting, and she was always jumpy and nervous.

Hinata is now twenty-six years old, a year younger than Kurenai when they met. Her hair is long, and she keeps it back over her shoulders. She wears a simple, white shift dress. Kurenai noticed the band of silver glinting off her toe. Her dress is sleeveless, revealing her strong shoulders and defined arms. Hinata is an elegant young woman. She doesn’t fidget, rather, she holds herself tight. She has delicate, arched eyebrows and the small, full mouth of a woman of good breeding. Her eyes are still pearlescent, but there is something hard behind them. _You have something to protect, don’t you?_ Kurenai thinks. Her own eyes started looking like that after Raidou’s brother had died.

Kurenai and Hinata have kept in touch, over the years. Kurenai helped her get into Torture & Interrogation and Hinata would babysit Mirai. Kurenai feels as if she has watched Hinata grow into a woman. She is no longer a scared little girl. Like Hiashi and Neji, she too has grown into a big bad wolf. Her relationship with Sasuke didn’t surprise Kurenai at all; rather, it represented her maturation. She would always be too much for Naruto: too pretty, too quiet, too vicious. It made sense that she would choose Sasuke; he too is beautiful and dark.

She and Hinata are alike in this one respect: no one can see the darkness within them. Actually, Raidou could always see it in Kurenai. She suspects Sasuke can see the same thing in Hinata, although he may not conceptualize it. They might think they are normal, but that is all relative. They both taste the same, underneath it all. Raidou had said that to her, once. _We taste the same, Kurenai_. He was right. When she was with Asuma, it always surprised her how different he tasted. He always felt alien on her tongue. But she loved him all the same.

Hinata smiles and sips her tea. Kurenai puts her hand on the table. “Hinata,” she says, “how are you?” Hinata smiles.

“I am good. And you, Kurenai-sensei?” her voice is still silver, but it is cooler, deeper than when she was girl. Hinata will always be her finest achievement, as a teacher.

“I am alright,” Kurenai smiles. Hinata blinks. Kurenai is still the prettiest woman she has ever met, and the closest thing she has to a mother.

“Kurenai-sensei,” she says, “you are the first person I want to tell. I’m pregnant.” Hinata doesn’t stutter or flinch. She does place a hand over her stomach. Kurenai feels warm inside.

“I’m honored. How far along are you?” Kurenai asks. It can’t have been long. Her stomach is unchanged. Hinata tilts her head.

“Eight weeks.” She pauses. “Sasuke and I each get one person to tell before the twelve-week mark.” Hinata’s hand doesn’t move.

“Congratulations.” Kurenai says. “You and Sasuke must have been together for longer than either of you have let on.” She picks up her cup of tea and takes a sip. Hinata nods.

“We were together for a year. We broke up for a few months, but I never doubted that he is the person I want to be with.” Hinata smiles. “I love him.”

Hinata looks over Kurenai’s shoulder as she says this, her face relaxing. Kurenai wonders if she ever looked this way when she spoke about Asuma. She doesn’t think she did. On the other hand, she and Asuma weren’t straight out of a story. Hinata and Sasuke had a certain mythic dimension to their relationship. It’s not just because of the byakugan and sharinngan, or that they are both so pretty and dark. It’s that they were both always trying to find some sort of light. That they found it in each other; that is the kind of thing stories are written about. Kurenai wonders if Sasuke knows how far Hinata would go to protect him and their baby. She would go further than Hiashi, and he murdered for Hinata.

Sasuke chose well. So did Hinata. Their baby won’t be like either of them. Their child will always know that it is loved and that it was wanted. Kurenai isn’t a fool. Hinata wouldn’t accidentally get pregnant and she would never stoop so low as to trap a man. Sasuke and Hinata planned this. Another key difference between her and Kurenai.

Hinata picks up her stick. She holds the dumplings up to her face. “Were you and Asuma-sensei together when you were my age?” Hinata asks. Kurenai watches her use her teeth to slide the dumpling to the end of her stick, before taking the whole thing into her mouth. Hinata has always been a pretty eater.

Kurenai tilts her head, wondering how she wants to answer the question. Hinata is too old for anything but honesty. “No,” Kurenai says, “I was seeing someone else.” Hinata nods.

“Raidou.” That day in the flower shop is burned in Hinata’s memory.

“Raidou.” Kurenai smiles. Hinata is sharp, and so many years have gone by that it isn’t worth denying the obvious.

“Were you in love with him?” Hinata wouldn’t normally pry, but she is curious. She knows she is on the right path, but she wants reassurance.

“I will always love Raidou,” Kurenai smiles, “he is my star.” Hinata smiles.

“Sasuke is my star,” she says softly. Kurenai blinks. She wonders if, in some other lifetime, she was twenty-six and pregnant with Raidou’s baby, holding her hand over her tummy like a shield.

“When I was your age, I wasn’t ready for a baby.” Kurenai says, “I was too busy to settle down.”

“Well,” Hinata says with a dreamy expression on her face, “I don’t feel like I’m settling. I feel like I’ve just found my place.” Kurenai doesn’t want to think of the number of times she lay beside Raidou and thought the same thing, or how, when they last slept together, she still felt like being beside him was the right place.

“Your place is with Sasuke?” Kurenai asks. Hinata nods. “If I told you that you would feel that way when you were twelve, you wouldn’t have believed me.” Hinata smiles.

“Sasuke wouldn’t have believed you either.” She says quietly.

“Sasuke didn’t notice girls,” Kurenai says, “and the only time anyone caught him looking at a girl was when Kakashi made him help you get rid of that spider. If I remember, you were looking at Naruto while he was watching Sakura who was watching Sasuke watch you while you looked at Naruto.” Hinata flushes pink, and Kurenai laughs.

“I didn’t notice him then,” she says softly. Kurenai smiles.

“It’s probably why he likes you so much.” She says softly, “you see him as Sasuke, not the last Uchiha.” Hinata’s lips quirk. “Did I upset you?”

“No,” Hinata says, “I just forget who Sasuke and I are, most of the time.” She pauses, thinking. “I want our baby to be seen as themselves, too. Our baby is going to be strong. I can feel it. It makes me happy, but I know…” Hinata looks to the side, “I know that other people will want that strength for themselves.”

Hinata had poked around the Hyuuga archives. There are several recorded marriages between an Uchiha and Hyuuga, that latest being from decades ago. Each child had a sharinngan in the right eye, and a byakugan in the left. She hasn’t told Sasuke yet. She doesn’t want him to start listing all the people who would want those eyes for themselves.

“Your children will have both of your eyes, won’t they?” Kurenai asks. Hinata nods. “Good thing their mother is the least power-hungry person I know.” Hinata frowns.

“Sasuke isn’t like that, anymore.” Hinata replies. Kurenai smiles.

“He lost his appetite, that’s all.” Kurenai says. “You are strong, but you never hungered for power like he did. You can’t see that, because you are the only woman he has ever been with who wasn’t attracted to his power.” Kurenai eats one of her dumplings. Hinata watches her chew.

Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Hinata hums. “Kurenai-sensei,” she says, “is being pregnant supposed to be scary?”

“Scary?” Kurenai asks. Hinata nods. Kurenai offers a knowing smile. “I was terrified for the first month. Asuma and I found out right before he left, and we only had time to get married. Then he was gone, and he died, and if it weren’t for Raidou, it would have just been me.” It hurts less, the more time passes. She has long stopped torturing herself wondering what kind of father Asuma would be.

“The baby looks like a little blob,” Hinata says, “I almost don’t believe that it will grow to be a person.” Kurenai nods.

“It will look like an alien soon. You’ll feel them float around too. It’s weirder than the kicking.” Kurenai eats a second dumpling.

Hinata picks up her stick and opens her mouth for another dumpling. But she pauses, and looks at Kurenai, who is in the middle of chewing her own.

“Would you be our witness?” Hinata asks. Kurenai feels her food dry up in her mouth and struggles to swallow. She blinks at Hinata.

“You and Sasuke are having a shotgun wedding?” Kurenai asks. “That is not what I thought you would learn from me.” Hinata shrugs.

“Our baby won’t be a Hyuuga and there are no Uchiha around to tell us how we ought to live our lives. You and Kakashi have always looked out for us, but Sasuke thinks Kakashi won’t want to know until three months have gone by, so that leaves you.” Hinata smiles. “I want you to be there. You’re my first choice.”

“I’ll make sure Kakashi comes.” Hinata frowns.

“But Sasuke doesn’t think he wants to know before everyone else.” Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“Trust me. Kakashi wants to know about these things.” Kurenai puts her remaining dumpling down on her plate. “He spends his days at Hokage Tower, learning about how awful the world is and running the machinery of an authoritarian regime. Knowing that Sasuke is having a baby with you will probably be the best news he has gotten in a while.” Kurenai kicks her feet out under the table. “Besides, he always saw himself in Sasuke. Seeing him happy will be life-affirming.” Hinata nods.

“Okay,” she replies, “we were thinking a week from today.”

“You sure, Little Hinata?” Kurenai teases. Hinata leans forward, putting her elbows on the table.

“I’m not Little Hinata anymore.” Hinata puts her chin out, like her father. Kurenai smiles. She truly is imperial looking, when she wants to be.

“You are a woman, Hinata.” Kurenai takes a sip of her tea. Hinata leans back in her seat.

“I never felt like a woman until I peed on that stick.” Hinata says. Kurenai smiled.

“When I was pregnant, Sakura told me that a female foetus develops all the eggs she will ever carry inside the womb. So, when you are carrying a girl, you are carrying your grandchildren, and this lineage can be traced up the matrilineal line.” Kurenai sips her tea again.

“So, I could be carrying our grandkids, too?” Hinata asks. Kurenai smiles.

“Half of them.” She replies. Hinata smiles. Pregnancy has been terrifying and nauseating, but it makes her feel like she has a superpower.

Hinata takes a sip of her tea. “Do you and Sasuke have any plans about when you’ll be moving?” Kurenai asks. Hinata nods.

“There is a nice two-bedroom down the hall from my place.” She replies. “I was thinking about pressing flowers again. I did it when I was younger. My mother taught me, but I stopped a few years back.” Hinata swallows a frown. “I think about her a lot.” Kurenai nods.

“I still have that lilac you pressed for me.” It hangs on her wall, above her bedside table.

“It turned out well.” Hinata smiles, “actually, Ino and I still talk about that day, sometimes.”

“Oh?” Kurenai inflects. She doesn’t think that this story will be flattering.

“It’s the day Ino and I realized how hard it is to love a man you can’t have.” Hinata says, “that’s why I pressed the lilac. Because you wanted Raidou to buy you those flowers.”

Kurenai presses her mouth into a line. “Did you two learn from my example?” Hinata grins.

“We did,” she says, “all the girls did, really.”

“In my defense, fucking around is an important part of figuring out what you want.” Kurenai replies. Hinata blinks.

“That’s how all our relationships started.” Hinata says, “but eventually you find someone, and you want to make plans with them. Real ones.” She smiles. “It’s nice, to see Ino, Sakura and Tenten in those kinds of relationships too.”

“I got a lot of good orgasms out of messing around with Raidou.”

“But it was still him or Asuma.” Hinata replies, “you weren’t sleeping around.” Kurenai sighs.

“I suppose not.”

Hinata looks right into Kurenai with her moon eyes. “Kurenai-sensei,” she says in her soft voice, “did you ever want Raidou like I want Sasuke?” Hinata and Ino have debated this a thousand times. Ino will always be loyal to Asuma, but Hinata knows what she saw in her sensei’s eyes when Raidou was paying for those flowers. Kurenai bites her lip. She is tempted to lie, but once again, there is no point.

“Yes,” she replies, “I wanted Raidou since I was a little girl. But I fell in love with Asuma. Deep love.”

“But you wanted Raidou first?”

“He’s my star.” Kurenai replies. _Always has been_.

“He and Yuugao aren’t together anymore,” Hinata says.

“Your point?” Kurenai sighs. _If only you knew_. If she never heard Yuugao’s name again, it would still be too soon. Hinata crosses her arms and scrunches her mouth.

“I want you to have someone to make plans with, too.” She says, softly. “You’re too pretty to be alone.”

“You sound like Ino,” Kurenai smiles. Hinata shrugs.

“It’s true.” Hinata replies. Kurenai had wondered when she and Hinata would sit across from each other and finally have a conversation, woman to woman. She is glad that someone learned from her mistakes, even if it wasn’t her.

“I was horrible to him.” Kurenai says in a small voice. Hinata smiles.

“Sasuke and I broke up for a few months, and here we are.” Hinata says. “So did Tenten and Sai, Ino and Shikamaru baited each other for years and Naruto and Sakura are always working something out.” Hinata blinks. “I am sure you didn’t do anything unforgivable.”

“How do you know?” Kurenai asks.

“Because cruelty isn’t in your nature.” Hinata replies. “I have to get going, but I’ll give you a call when Sasuke tells Kakashi.” Hinata gets up, leaving money on the table. Kurenai smiles at her.

“Do you and Sasuke want our rings?” Kurenai asks. “They sit in a box all day.” Hinata shakes her head.

“No, we want to keep it a secret.” Hinata smiles, “or, I want to be the one to tell my father that I got a shot-gun wedding.”

“I can’t imagine the look on his face.” Kurenai laughs. Hinata shrugs, with her wolfish grin.

“I think he’ll be proud that I went off on my own and found my own person.” Hinata says, standing up.

With a wave, she is gone, and Kurenai sits and thinks about forgiveness.

**

Raidou eats his sandwich while he watches Genma read a report. He is still buzzing from his conversation with Kurenai, and he knows that he needs to tell someone about it. Besides, the least Genma deserves is a warning.

“Genma,” he says, “can I tell you something?”

“I don’t know, can you?” Genma drawls, highlighting a section of text.

“It’s serious.”

“Serious,” Genma hums back in response.

“Kurenai and I are going to make a go of it.” Raidou says, stuffing his sandwich into his mouth right after. Genma looks up at him.

“She’s going to step up for you?” Genma asks. Raidou nods.

“We are going to be slow and intentional.” He replies. “We’re ready.” Genma bobs his head.

“Thanks for telling me.” He says, looking back down at the report.

“We aren’t going to mess around this time,” Raidou says, “we’re going to do it right.”

“Look,” Genma sighs, “as long as I don’t have to live through all that fuckery again and Mirai has stability, I really don’t care what you two do.”

“So, we could run off and join the circus and leave you with Mirai?” Raidou asks. Genma snorts.

“Aoba’s mom would take us in,” he replies, “she is so mad that he hasn’t given her a grandkid yet.”

“Do you think he and Anko would scramble their DNA?” Raidou asks, “like, he would inseminate her with a turkey baster or something?” Genma scrunches his nose.

“I’d hope they’d just do it the old-fashioned way,” he replies. “I’d back Aoba’s mom’s claim for sole custody.”

“They’d be doing it for her anyway.” Raidou says. Genma nods, ending the conversation.

**

Kurenai walks down the hall to Kakashi’s office, smiling at Shikamaru as she walks past him. She walks into the office, without knocking, and sees Kakashi, fast asleep on a stack of files. She walks right up to the desk and puts her mouth to Kakashi’s ear.

“Kakashi,” she says in a sing-song voice. He grunts, so she repeats herself until he wakes up.

“What?” he sighs, sitting up and yawning.

“I’ve got some really good news,” she hums. Kakashi tilts his head.

“What does ‘good’ mean?” he asks. “Is it genuinely good news, or is it just good news for you?” Kurenai frowns at him.

“Rude.”

“I’m your Hokage,” he deadpans. He rubs his eyes, yawning again. If she wanted to be rude, Kurenai would tell him that Yuugao needs to do a better job of taking care of him, but having been someone Yuugao has taken care of, she knows that’s not the case _. Naruto better hurry up and get ready, so you don’t work yourself into an early grave_. “Out with it.”

“You won our bet.” She says, smiling. He blinks at her, trying to remember what, exactly, she is talking about.

Kurenai frowns the longer their silence stretches on. Kakashi is coming up blank. “Uh, what bet?”

“The one we made over Naruto and Sasuke.” She sets her hands on her hips, looking at him like he is a lost cause.

“Naruto and Sasuke, hmm.” Kakashi rubs his jaw, thinking. “I mean, Naruto basically surpassed all my bets between him and Sasuke, so I’m sure that whatever it was, I actually lost.” Kurenai blinks.

“You really don’t remember?” she asks. “Asuma made the same bet as you.”

“You know, so much has happened since Naruto and Sasuke were forced into my life, that I really don’t remember anything besides the powers to destroy worlds ten times over and all of Team Seven’s near-death experiences.” Kakashi shrugs. He doesn’t have the brain power to remember petty fuckery, which is one hundred percent what this bet is, whatever it is.

“You bet that Sasuke and Hinata would have a kid together before the age of thirty-five.” Kurenai says. Kakashi blinks, as it dawns on him.

“Sasuke got Hinata pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“Like, intentionally?”

“Neither of them seems like the type to have a baby by accident,” Kurenai says.

“A real baby? And Hinata wants it?” Kakashi asks. Kurenai smiles.

“Yes. Sasuke and Hinata are going to have a baby and we,” she says, “are going to their shotgun wedding.” Kakashi sits back, crossing his arms. She can tell from the crinkles around his eyes that this is happy news for him.

“Sasuke and Hinata are going to have a baby,” he hums.

“So, because you won, I owe you dinner.” Kurenai says, “pick a time and place.” Kakashi nods. “Act surprised when Sasuke tells you.”

“Oh, I am surprised that Hinata let him touch her, let alone let him put a baby in her,” he says, “I really can’t believe that I made that bet, considering the kind of person he was at sixteen.” Kurenai smiles softly.

“If he hurts her, I am going to send him to an alternate dimension, and you are going to help me,” she says. Kakashi scoffs.

“I already knew that,” he says. “But he won’t hurt her.”

“No,” she says, “I really don’t think he will.” Kurenai walks towards the door, before pausing. “Kakashi?”

“Yes?”

“Go home to Yuugao at a decent hour and have sex. You look miserable and if you leave her alone, she’ll start thinking about Raidou.” Kurenai grins when Kakashi gives her the middle finger.

**

Kurenai walks back into the house with a smile on her face. She slips off her shoes and walks up to the kitchen, humming. Raidou is cutting up vegetables while Genma is scowling at the newspaper. “Did you know most carbon emissions, like ninety percent, come from a handful of corporations?” Genma asks.

“We’re all going to live on Mars one day,” Kurenai replies.

“That’s not a solution,” Genma replies. Raidou ignores their conversation, cutting up a cucumber.

“Where’s Mirai?” Kurenai asks. Genma snorts.

“She’s your child,” he replies.

“She’s at a friend’s house,” Raidou says, not looking up. “She won’t be home for dinner.”

“Wow, you are a much better parent than Kurenai could ever hope to be.” Genma says. Kurenai gives him a poisonous look. He sticks his tongue out at her, which she shrugs off.

“Guess what.” Kurenai hums.

“What?” Raidou asks.

“Guess.” Raidou and Genma look at each other before looking at her.

“Whatever it is, we’re not going to get it.” Genma says. Kurenai makes a face, which makes Genma sigh, loudly. “C’mon, I’m at the edge of my seat.”

“Well, Hinata and Sasuke are going to have a baby, and, like yours truly, she is going to have a shotgun wedding.” Kurenai says. Genma snorts.

“What a good teacher you are,” he smacks his lips, “a stellar example, really.”

“I’m happy for Hinata and Sasuke,” Raidou says, coming in to fix Kurenai’s mood. She smiles at him.

“I’m happy for them too,” she says, thinking about her conversation with Hinata. _You’re my star_. Kurenai gazes at his back for a little too long. Genma snorts again.

“He told me,” Genma says, “you can go make out with the back of Raidou’s head or whatever.” Kurenai smiles and skips over to Raidou. She pulls the collar of his shirt down to expose the knot of his spine. Genma doesn’t look as she presses her mouth to the little bump. Raidou reaches a hand over his shoulder and pokes the side of her neck with his pointer, making her poke her tongue onto the skin under her lips.

**

Kurenai is putting on her night cream when she hears a knock on her bedroom door. Mirai and Genma both go to bed early, and judging from the distinct tap-tap, it can only be Raidou. She walks over to her door, rubbing her cream into her face, before opening the door. She is wearing one of her sexier nighties, not intentionally, but because tomorrow is laundry day and she wanted to feel like a woman, okay?

Raidou eyes her nightgown before stepping into her room. “Big plans?” he asks. Kurenai blinks at him.

“No.” She replies. “Why do you ask?” Raidou shrugs.

“You’re wearing sexy underwear.” He says, “maybe you had something you’d rather be doing.” He knows there is no one else, besides her hand. That’s been enough to keep her sated for nine years, so he has to assume that she must be pretty good at getting herself off.

“You think I wear sexy underwear for myself?” she smiles, walking up to him. “Am I a narcissist?”

“No,” he says softly, “I figured it was a ritual.” Yuugao told him this, whenever she put on sexy underwear in the morning. _I wear it to feel powerful_.

One time, he managed to bend her over before work, not bothering to take off her lacey underwear. Yuugao took them off and put them in his pocket and didn’t wear underwear for the rest of the day. The point is that rituals are meant to be interrupted. Which is why he’s here; he’s horny and doesn’t see the point in going anywhere else.

“A ritual?”

“I don’t know how you masturbate.” She’s touched herself with him there, yes, but it’s never been the only thing that was happening at the time. Kurenai tilts her head, thinking. Nine years of pent-up frustration can’t be relieved by a single instance of sex. It’s not his fault, but he’s been right here; it’s going to take more than one time for him to make it up to her.

“Want to know?” she asks, padding over to the bed.

“What?”

“Want to know how I masturbate?” she asks, sitting down. Kurenai shifts onto the bed, opening her legs. Raidou immediately focuses in on the spot between her legs. He stands up, his hands in his pockets. His dick twitches in his pants.

“I would love to know how you masturbate.” Raidou says, standing back. Kurenai grins. She’s always wanted to try something like this, but both Raidou and Asuma always moved too fast for her to suggest it. “Can you do it too?”

“What?” he asks, watching her dip a hand down and trace a lip. He watches her hand trace an arc, before she begins to trace around her clit.

“I want to see you masturbate too,” she replies. Raidou quietly unzips his pants and pulls his dick out. Kurenai feels herself salivate; her subconscious thirst should disgust her, but she is so shameless that it turns her on even more. He just has this way of making her gush all over.

They don’t speak, at first. Raidou watches the flush creep up Kurenai’s chest and neck, up to her face. This has never been a fantasy of his, and he doesn’t know why. Seeing her finger herself, her thumb playing with her clit and her back arch into her hand turns him on immensely. All the blood rushes down, and his erection almost hurts a little bit. He goes very slow, on purpose. He wants to drag his own orgasm out.

Kurenai makes an ugly noise, and her hand moves faster. She stops performing for Raidou, which is how he can tell that she is about to come. Her eyes close and she moves on her own hand, panting and moaning. She’s quiet, but her little noises make his tummy jump. He stops moving his hand, transfixed. Kurenai whines and curls in on herself, with one or two more thrusts, before she stops. She pulls her hand out of herself, and they both take note of the fluids on her hands.

“That came out of me.” She says to herself. Raidou blinks.

“It sure did.” Kurenai’s eyes flick over to his hand, and she frowns at his erection.

“I wanted to see how bad you want me,” she says. Raidou smiles.

“I can still show you,” he says. Kurenai grins up at him.

“I would like that a lot,” she replies. Raidou steps out of his pants and pulls off his shirt. She watches the muscles move under his fat, biting her lip.

He steps towards her and sits on the bed beside her. Raidou kisses her first, moving between her legs and laying her down. He kisses her chin, her jaw, as she sighs beneath him.

“Are you going to take care of me?” she asks, her arms around him. Raidou kisses her shoulder.

“For as long as you’ll let me.” Raidou knows he can’t promise forever, but he can give her the rest of his days, if she asks nicely. This isn’t what comes to mind when one thinks ‘going slow’ and ‘intentional,’ but it’s good enough for him.

“What about being intentional and taking things slow?” she asks, wrapping her legs around him. Raidou, who is planting kisses into her shoulder, hums.

“I don’t want to wait.” Not for this, when they fit so well together. Kurenai reaches for him, and moans when he slides home. She doesn’t want to wait either, having gone without for so long. She wraps herself around him, and sighs when he starts moving.

Raidou always makes her feel full. She feels down his spine, to his lower back. He kisses her chin, her neck, being impossibly tender as he picks up speed. He was gentle last time; he doesn’t plan to be this time. She feels this shift within him, and hums. She can’t wait.

Raidou moves fast and hard, panting above her. She kisses him, sticking her tongue into his mouth, like she wants to drink his saliva and breathe in all his air. “Give it to me,” she says into his mouth. Kurenai feels the white-hot feeling in her guts, and she arches her back to meet each thrust. She presses herself to him, staring into his eyes, nothing between them. It’s like they are completely bare and naked to each other, even though she’s wearing a nightie.

He is obsessed with how slick and soft she is for him. Moving inside of her is always easy, but tonight, it is especially so. The straps have fallen off of her shoulders, and her breasts are spilling out of the top. She clenches around him, looking up at him with complete adoration. Raidou could live this way forever.

“Raidou,” she hums, “please.”

“Please what?” he rasps, moving harder. Kurenai presses herself to him, her eyes going wide when he gets in deeper.

“Don’t stop.” She lets out a groan, and Raidou grins at the look on her face. _This is what it’s all about_. Kurenai moves faster against him. “Rearrange my insides.”

“Your guts?” he asks, thrusting deep.

“Mhmm, my guts.” She flexes her feet, feeling the way she stretches around him. Raidou moves faster and deeper, until he hits the bottom. She hurts good, and when he rubs the back wall one last time, she feels herself come loose.

She gushes around him, and when he feels her heat, he buries his head into her shoulder and comes home, biting her shoulder. Kurenai gasps on impact, and the way she clenches around him syncs up with the way that he twitches inside of her. She sighs, big, refusing to let him pull out and roll off of her. “Stay,” she says quietly. Raidou nods, and the way his scruff scratches her neck makes her shiver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I managed to finish this early and thought, 'why not post it?' It's not very dramatic, but that's what good relationships are built on; being boring and content. This arc is going to feel like one big victory lap, after the emotional fuckery of the last 24 chapters (and nearly four months!) Things are heating up for me, but the stress and increased COVID measures means I'm pretty productive. 
> 
> I hope this chapter is a satisfying update. I felt like the bonus material was sort of a copout on my part, but I needed the break. Thanks for reading, and feel free to read a comment! I love them, and respond to every one, because they make me feel nice, especially while I sort through the fuckery of my thought process and thesis revisions. I think I need Raidou to be happy so that I can remember that happiness is possible.


	26. Wet Grass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two dates.

“I’ve been blossoming alone over you”

Mitski, “Pink in the Night”

Kurenai crosses her arms and tries not to think about how she woke up alone this morning. Raidou must have done back to his own bed after she fell asleep; he doesn’t work early mornings anymore. She digs her nails into her upper arms, watching Temari teach Mirai a basic chakra exercise. Wind-type, like Asuma. Kurenai wonders if she is jealous that Mirai isn’t more like her, or if she’s hurt that she is so much like her father. Shikamaru sits beside her, watching Temari teach Mirai.

Temari and Shikamaru broke up years ago, but they are still friends. She loves teaching, and she isn’t a petty person. Temari once called her a _perfect student_ , and Mirai floated on air for days. _I’m a perfect student_ , Mirai said, clinging onto Raidou’s leg. He hummed in response and replied that she wasn’t going to get out of their lessons that easily. She frowned and pretended to bite his leg, when Genma came up from behind and lifted her up, up into the air.

Kurenai tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, smiling at Shikamaru. “Thanks for taking such an interest in her,” she says, “Mirai really enjoys these lessons.”

“It’s no trouble,” Shikamaru says, “it’s the one adult obligation I have that doesn’t feel like a drag.” He enjoys being around Mirai. She’s a good kid, and he gets to talk about Asuma to someone who cares but isn’t scarred by his loss.

“She’s that great,” Kurenai says. Between Shikamaru and Temari’s lessons, Raidou’s kenjutsu and Kurenai’s genjutsu, and Genma’s training with the senbon, Mirai is going to easily pick up Asuma’s style of fighting, when she’s ready. Raidou and Shikamaru both know enough to get her started, and the former spent enough time training with Asuma that he can be a serviceable foe. Himself will have to do the rest, but Mirai is such a nice kid that she likes him. They aren’t related, but she’s like Raidou’s brother, in the sense that he, more or less, liked everyone too.

“She’s gotten stronger,” Shikamaru says, “she really nailed me with that wooden sword she carries around.” Kurenai snorts.

“I think Raidou is making things more difficult for her on purpose,” she says, “I should have given you a heads up about that.”

“Nah,” he says, “it’s good to know that she could really stick it to someone.” One of Shikamaru’s greatest fears is the day that she will be on her own, without anyone there to protect her. That day will come soon, knowing how shit here tends to happen. He couldn’t live with himself if something happened to her or Kurenai; it would be like he failed, all over again.

Kurenai looks away, watching Mirai jump around like Raidou does. He has a very particular, economic way of moving. It’s not very graceful, but she has dodged Temari this entire time. “She moves like Raidou,” she says absent-mindedly. “He does a lot of leaping around, when he fights.” So did Asuma. They were both very quick on their feet.

“She’s her own person,” Shikamaru says, “sometimes, I’m sad that she isn’t more like Asuma.” Kurenai tilts her head.

“He left too soon,” she says quietly. Shikamaru nods.

“I agree.” He frequently wonders what Asuma would think of how things have worked out. He suspects that Asuma would never stop laughing at the fact that Shikamaru is dating Ino, of all people. He would probably find it even funnier that their relationship is a functional, a fuckery-free zone.

“You know, we failed once too,” Kurenai says, “our sensei died, right in front of us. He was kind of a hard ass and not very likable, most of the time, but we felt so, _so_ guilty.” Their sensei didn’t have a personal life, so really, it was just the three of them at his funeral. Their eulogy had been very awkward, since Asuma and Raidou weren’t very good at public speaking and Kurenai was bad at projecting her voice. It didn’t help that all their good memories of him didn’t make him sound like a very nice person; they knew he loved them when he told Kurenai to stop screaming and Raidou and Asuma to man up. Instead of _I love you so much it scares me_ , they got, _I want you all to make it to old age_. Kurenai thinks of the way Raidou looked when he told her Asuma had died honourably. _I hope you gave Asuma shit, wherever the two of you ended up, sensei_.

“Asuma never mentioned it,” Shikamaru said.

“Because he didn’t plan on you living it,” she replies, “and our sensei was kind of an asshole.” Shikamaru snorts. “When Raidou’s brother died, Asuma gave him our sensei’s advice, which was to man up, and Raidou punched him so hard he broke Asuma’s nose on the first swing.”

“Raidou did that?” Shikamaru asks. Raidou isn’t a small guy, but he isn’t as broad as Asuma.

“Yes,” she says. “I think Raidou still feels guilty, too.”

“The guilt won’t go away, will it?” Shikamaru sighs. Kurenai shakes her head.

“It wouldn’t be real guilt if it did.” She looks up at the sky. Kurenai doesn’t feel guilty about Raidou, but she does still miss Asuma.

Shikamaru wasn’t born yesterday, which is to say, he knows that Raidou and Kurenai have some sort of past. Ino refers to him as _Kurenai-sensei’s hot ex-boyfriend_ , and he sees the way Kurenai and Raidou look at each other. The soft affection of two people who care deeply for each other. Shikamaru worries about Kurenai; that she doesn’t get out enough, that she’s frozen in her grief. He’ll never get over the noise she made when he told her that Asuma wasn’t going to walk through her door ever again.

He remembers Raidou coming up behind him, how Kurenai leapt on him. The way Raidou would touch her back or walk her around town. He figures there is something going on there, but he has never had the courage to ask. It has taken him a long time to accept that, while Asuma is irreplaceable, the living are obligated to do just that: live. He was never a petty person. Asuma would want Kurenai to be happy.

“Mirai really loves Raidou,” Shikamaru says, “I’d like to think it’s Asuma’s way of letting us know it was no one’s fault.”

“Raidou, like you, likes feeling guilty,” Kurenai says, “I don’t think he’d know what to do with himself if things weren’t his fault. It’d be admitting that he doesn’t really have control over the bad things that happen to him.”

“Ouch,” Shikamaru says. Kurenai wheezes a little, and he grins. “Does he make you happy?” Kurenai turns and side-eyes Shikamaru, who doesn’t turn away. “You don’t have to tell me, but I’m not blind.” She never expected to have this conversation with Hinata and Shikamaru, within the span of a few days. Then again, who else would ask her about Raidou?

“Yes,” she replies softly, “Raidou makes me very happy.” Shikamaru nods.

“Good,” he looks away, “that’s all I wanted to know.” Kurenai smiles, before looking back at Mirai, who finally executes the technique, perfectly.

**

Kurenai dropped Mirai off at a friend’s house, before coming back home. She smiles when she hears Raidou grunting to himself, clearly in the middle of cleaning something. She slips her shoes off and walks up into the kitchen. He has stuck his head into the oven, and there are paper towels and other cleaning supplies at his feet.

“Do you have any idea how dirty the oven gets?” Raidou says, his voice muffled. Kurenai walks up beside him, and peers over his shoulder, into the oven.

“I think all the chemicals are warping your brain,” she puts a hand on his back. Raidou stands up and frowns at her.

“Well, I don’t see you or Genma cleaning it.” He picks up a spray bottle and squirts some liquid onto a caked on black smudge. He scratches at it with his thumbnail. It makes a noise that has them both wincing.

“That noise,” Kurenai’s mouth twists.

“Well, that’s what happens when we let grime build up,” Raidou hums. She presses her hand into his back, and he looks back at her.

“You weren’t beside me, this morning.” Kurenai says in a quiet voice. Raidou blinks once, twice.

“I don’t think we want Mirai to find out by walking in on us,” he replies. “It feels like it’s too soon to tell her, but I’m not really comfortable sleeping the whole night in your room until she does know.” Raidou doesn’t want her to feel like he is trying to replace Asuma, or that his changed relationship with Kurenai changes the one he shares with Mirai. She’s not his kid, so it’s not his place to tell her, but he does feel like he has some agency in how she finds out.

“Why too soon?” Kurenai asks, tilting her head.

“Because we’ve only really agreed to this like, two days ago.” He replies. “We haven’t even spent time doing couple-y things.”

“Couple-y things?” Kurenai smiles at him, “does sex not count?”

“You know what I mean,” he sighs, “we haven’t done any of that other couple-y shit.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, errands, dates, looking into each other’s eyes, watching stupid television.” Raidou hums. “With Yuugao, it involved a lot of plants.”

“We watch stupid television shows, and I stare into your eyes all the time.” She grins up at him.

“Yeah, but I don’t feel like we’re a couple when we do that.” He says, “it’s about feeling connected, like we’re a unit. That doesn’t happen in two days.”

“Well,” Kurenai hums, “how about you let me take you on a date. Does that seem like a good start?”

“You’re going to take me on a date?” he asks.

“If you say yes,” she replies, “I wouldn’t dare do anything you didn’t want.” Kurenai wraps her arms around his waist. He’d think her desperate, but he feels the same way about her.

“Yes,” he says quietly. Kurenai grins up at him, kissing his chin. “Kurenai, stop.”

“Why?” she hums.

“Because I have to finish cleaning the oven.” Kurenai pulls back and looks up at him.

“You don’t have to do anything.” She says, “but I would like you to do me.” Raidou laughs, rubbing his eyes.

“You are so predictable.” He says, “you come in here, see me in the middle of doing something, and ask me to have sex with you. Do you want anything else from me? Because I feel a little used.” Kurenai nods.

“It’s especially fun when you are in the middle of something that requires a lot of focus.” She says, “you should see the way your eye twitches when that happens.” Raidou kisses the side of her head and she wraps herself around him more.

“I don’t have to. I feel it every time it happens.” She leans up and starts kissing his neck. It makes the side of his face tingle. Raidou sighs, looking at the oven. “I give up.”

“What?” she grins.

“I’m going to give up on the oven.” Raidou steps back, looking around the kitchen. “Where are we going to do it?”

“Just bend me over the counter.” Kurenai smiles, “have your way with me.”

“My way with you,” he hums, “like this was my idea all along.” Raidou kisses her on the mouth. Kurenai wraps her arms around his neck and smiles into his mouth.

“We just need to be quick,” she says. “I want you to go fast and hard. I don’t even want to come.” She just wants to be close to him.

“Well, then what’s the point?” he says. Kurenai looks up at him with adoration.

“I get to have you inside of me,” she says, “and you get to be inside of me.”

“So, sex is rewarding without the orgasm?”

“If it’s with you, yes,” Kurenai kisses him. “Good thing I’m wearing a skirt.” Raidou kisses her back, not bothering to reply.

They move across the kitchen clumsily. She steps on his foot, and he bites her lip. His flak jacket is pushed off of his shoulders, and he undoes her shirt halfway, revealing the lacy edges of her bra. There is a lot of fumbling, before Kurenai bends over at the waist, her elbows on the counter. Raidou pushes her skirt up, yanks her underwear to her knees, and sticks a finger in his mouth before putting it against her.

“We don’t have time,” she says over her shoulder, looking at Raidou on his knees. She makes a funny noise when he slides a finger inside, just to get her thinking about it.

“We can make time,” he says, massaging her with his thumb. She throws her hips back, liking how it feels but wanting him to hurry up and make her melt.

“Raidou,” she says, “I swear, I’ll walk away if you don’t—”

“If I don’t what?” he asks.

“If you don’t stick your penis inside of me,” Kurenai throws herself back on his hand. “How many times do I have to ask?”

“Well, you haven’t asked, you have demanded.” He smiles when he feels her get slick. She doesn’t need to come, but he finds fucking her more fun when she’s worked up.

“Please,” she looks at him over her shoulder, her eyes big. She pouts a little. Raidou is the first to admit that he is a sucker, so he stands up, unzips his pants, lines them up and glides in. She groans loudly, and Raidou coughs to keep himself from laughing.

“What was that?” she asks.

“You’re welcome,” he says, hitting the bottom. Kurenai can’t even be mad at him.

“Just move,” she hums, “please.” Raidou never fully pulls out but neither does he completely go in, and he presses his stomach to her back, his hand touching her as well. Kurenai pants under him, flushed. He sees it along the side of her neck, bright blotches growing bigger with each pant and moan she makes.

It doesn’t take long for the two of them to be moving as one. There is a solid five minutes where the two of them are just moving together, enjoying how it feels to be one. He strokes every spot that makes her spine tingle, and he feels like she was made for him. _The best pussy in Konoha_ , he thinks to himself as he glides inside of her. He’d never say something like that, because Kurenai would never let him forget it, but it’s how he feels when he is inside of her.

Kurenai arches her back, looking at him over her shoulder. Raidou is concentrating, looking off into space. His fingers roll her clit, and she swears. “I saw you staring,” he says. Kurenai moves back on him.

“Good,” she replies. Raidou moves faster, and she sighs, “there, that’s it.” Raidou smiles at her, kissing her shoulder. They pass the time like this, and Kurenai makes a relaxed noise in the back of her throat. Everything feels so perfect that he could stop here, and they would be fine.

But Raidou doesn’t want to stop, so he shifts his hips to change the angle, and she curses when he starts touching her with a little more force. Kurenai rests her forehead on the countertop and braces herself, saying ‘fuck’ whenever their skin slaps and thrusting back with him. There is the tell-tale white-hot lightning in her stomach, and she feels molten inside. In another minute, the lightning shoots up her spine and behind her eyes, and she feels so good that she can’t help but say nasty things.

“You nasty motherfucker fuck, fuck, fuck,” she says, turning to face him. Raidou moves his hand from between her legs to her open mouth.

“Language,” he deadpans. Kurenai sucks on his fingers, and he shivers when her tongue strokes the bottom of his middle finger. She looks at him with deep lust, and it’s revolting how much it turns him on. He moves faster and harder, searching for his own end before she sucks his hand down the back of her throat.

They are going like this, when the door opens. They both know who it is, so they don’t bother stopping. Raidou just speeds up and Kurenai moans around his hand. Their hips are moving back and forth, and Kurenai is close to coming again and Raidou is on the precipice. _Don’t stop, don’t stop, yes, yes, yes_.

Raidou is too busy looking into the backs of Kurenai’s eyes to look over when Genma walks into the kitchen, pulling his earphones out, then turning his head to see Raidou, bare-assed, bent over Kurenai, whose panties are around her ankles, like they are hobbles. You know, the device they put on mares to prevent them from kicking out when they are being mounted for breeding.

Yes, there are times where Genma truly wishes he knew nothing about animal husbandry. This is definitely one of those times.

“Are you two for real?!” Genma immediately shuts his eyes and turns away, walking into the wall. He can’t get the image of Kurenai and Raidou fucking, horses banging and Kurenai cow-kicking Raidou out of his head.

“Genma,” Raidou pants, “I really don’t care right now.” He doesn’t look away from Kurenai, who didn’t even jump when Genma started talking. They both knew he was there, they just figured he would have heard them.

“I’m moving out!” he says, keeping his gaze averted, “Mirai and I are going to go live with Aoba’s mom.”

“Genma,” Raidou says, “I really, _really_ need you to shut the fuck up and go somewhere else.” The last thing he wants is Genma ruining a perfect ‘couple-y’ moment. Genma leaves the kitchen, and Raidou murmurs an apology into Kurenai’s shoulder. It turned her on so much to watch him yelling above her, she doesn’t care.

In five more strokes, it’s over, and she comes again when he lodges himself inside of her. Kurenai sucks on his fingers as he catches his breath. He watches her, assuming she will just stop. It takes a solid minute for him to realize that he will need to pull his fingers from her mouth.

Her lipstick is smudged all around the knuckles at the base of his fingers, and she doesn’t look even a little ashamed. Raidou swallows and steps back, wincing when they part. He flips her skirt back over before pulling his pants back up.

“Wow,” she says, standing up slowly. Stepping out of her underwear, Kurenai feels like a new woman. She looks down at her lace panties, an infinity knot on the floor. It’s like she has been remade from the inside. She straightens her blouse and re-buttons it. Her nipples still poke out, and she smirks when she spots Raidou eyeing them. “I don’t think you’ve ever fucked me better.” Her desire is completely sated. She is completely satisfied. Kurenai doesn’t know if she will ever be horny again.

Raidou shrugs. “Well,’ he shrugs, “what was I going to do? Leave you hanging?” Kurenai opens her mouth to speak when Genma walks in, a sour look on his face. Raidou quickly fixes himself and zips his pants back up. Kurenai giggles at the expression he makes as he does it; his eyes bulge a little and he raises his eyebrows.

“You two are monsters.” He says, “just disgusting.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Kurenai says, “we were really loud when we heard you walk in.”

“That’s your excuse?” he asks, “what if it were Mirai?”

“Oh, we would have stopped as soon as I sensed her coming down the street.” Kurenai says.

“What about me?” he whines. “Raidou was so rude to me!”

“Genma,” she says, putting a hand on his shoulder, “if you knew what it is like to have Raidou inside you, you would know why I absolutely do not care that you saw us.”

“Don’t worry Genma, you are never going to find out.” Raidou washes his hands, “Kurenai would cut my dick off if I looked at anyone else for too long.” Genma frowns.

“I’m moving.”

“Where to?” Raidou asks, drying his hands on his pants.

“In with Aoba’s mom. If I bring Mirai, she’ll let me live there for as long as I want.” Genma walks over to the fridge, pulling out a beer. “I am going to need so much therapy”

“Still worth it.” Raidou says. Kurenai grins, wiggling with delight; Genma notes this and feels nothing but contempt and disgust.

“Do you two ever talk? Or hang out? Or do anything but fuck around all over the place?” Genma unscrews the bottle. Raidou and Kurenai both look at him the same time. “You know what? I don’t want to know what you two do in your spare time. I already know too much.” He walks into the other room, and Kurenai and Raidou try really, really hard not to giggle when they make eye contact. Raidou mouths “don’t laugh,” but it falls apart when Genma trips over one of Mirai’s toys in the living room, and he threatens to move out, because ‘this place is a goddamn death trap.’

**

Kurenai holds onto Raidou’s arm, leaving her head against his shoulder. She’s lazy, leaning against him as they walk around the park. They don’t have much to say to each other. Kurenai is sleepy and Raidou is in one of his pensive moods. Their silence is nice.

The park is full of children. They are running around, playing. Making enough noise to keep Kurenai from following asleep, but not enough to annoy her. “I wish we were like those kids,” she yawns. “So full of energy.” Raidou grins.

“Sleepy?”

“Uh-huh,” she says, “but I don’t mind it when you keep me up.” Raidou snorts, because he doesn’t think that he’s the one keeping them up, so much as he doesn’t need as much sleep as she does.

“This doesn’t feel like a date,” he says.

“Pardon?” she asks, looking up at the side of this face. He shrugs, bumping her head a little.

“It just feels like something we’ve done together, before. Lots of times.” He looks at the ground. “Yuugao and I did this kind of thing together, a lot.” He misses Yuugao, still. They made serious plans together, and it’s still hard to accept that they won’t happen. That doesn’t mean that he isn’t happy to be with Kurenai, or that he is settling with her. He just gets a little bummed that he’s not with Yuugao.

“Oh,” Kurenai hums, “how does that make you feel?” Raidou looks down at her.

“Well, you and Asuma would walk around together. How do you feel?” he asks. Kurenai blinks up at him, holding his arm a little tighter. It’s not that she isn’t sad, so much as she is happy to rediscover feelings that she assumed to have died with Asuma. For the first time, in a long time, she doesn’t feel like people are looking at her and thinking of a sad, lonely widow.

“It makes me feel like a normal person.” For the first time, in a long time, she feels like she has escaped the shadow of Asuma’s death. She doesn’t want to be sad or lonely; Kurenai wants to be happy and feel connected to another human being. She’s a little said that it isn’t Asuma, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be happy.

Raidou smiles softly. “Me too.” He feels blessedly normal, when he is with Kurenai.

“You’re a lot of fun to walk with,” she says.

“Oh?” his voice rises towards the end, like he wasn’t expecting the compliment.

“You know what I mean,” she says.

“I don’t, I swear,” he says. He feels her lips through the fabric of his shirt, at the top of his arm, on the tip of the wing of a clavicle. “Are you going to make out with my arm?” he asks, blushing. Kurenai looks up at him, smiling.

“Would you let me do it in public?” she asks. Raidou laughs.

“I pretty much already have.” He says, looking over at a group of kids playing. Kurenai squeezes his arm and says nothing, instead, looking around. She sees them in the window of a shop, and something inside of her glows. They look like they fit together.

**

Kakashi looks at the menu of the restaurant, humming to himself. He barely got out of work, slipping out in the narrow window of time where Shikamaru is vulnerable to suggestion, when he is tired and needs a smoke. He watches Kurenai as she looks at the menu, biting her lip.

“How’d you get out of work?” she asks. Everyone knows how late he stays in the office these days.

“I exploited Shikamaru’s nicotine addiction,” he replies. Kurenai smiles to herself.

“It’s a real weakness,” she says, “I always told Asuma that.”

“It’s the banal things that get you,” he says, “are we drinking?”

“We can,” she replies, “but not heavily.”

“I miss the days of messy Kurenai,” he says, “it’s just not the same when Genma isn’t carrying your ass home.”

“He always threatened to leave me behind.” Kurenai thinks about the time he told Raidou he’d leave her in a ditch, if he didn’t come along with him.

“He never would,” Kakashi says, “you’re the only one who thinks he’s charming.” Kurenai shrugs.

“He’s pretty clever,” she says, “as the target of most of his jabs, I can say that he knows how to land some good ones.”

“You’re not wrong,” Kakashi says. They are silent until the waitress comes to take their order. When she’s gone, Kurenai decides to get straight to the point.

She’s been thinking it over for a few days, and she really thinks that she and Kakashi ought to take Sasuke and Hinata out for dinner after their wedding. It doesn’t seem like they will be doing much else, and it would feel wrong not to celebrate such a milestone.

“We should take Sasuke and Hinata out for dinner after,” she says, “somewhere nice.”

“You mean expensive.” He replies, sipping some of his water.

“Doesn’t have to be.” She replies, “just a place that has cloth napkins.”

“I can afford that,” he says, “speaking of which, you’re lucky I’m not a glutton.” Kurenai shrugs.

“I would have paid anyway.”

“Good to know.” They are silent for a little bit, and Kakashi watches Kurenai tap the table with her fingers, a nervous habit she must have picked up recently.

“We should bring Yuugao and Raidou with us.”

“To dinner?” Kakashi doesn’t think either of them would want to spend time together with him and Kurenai present. He knows they are on speaking terms, which he doesn’t mind, but he doesn’t think that enough time has passed for Yuugao or Raidou to be over the ways that they disappointed each other.

“Do you want Sasuke and Hinata to look at us like we’re sad, lonely people?” she asks. Kakashi shrugs.

“I wouldn’t mind,” he replies. “Do you think either of them would want to do it?”

“I think that it would be more fun than you expect,” she says, “Asuma and I would eat with them, and they were pretty funny.”

“They were dating.” He deadpans.

“Well, just ask Yuugao.” Kurenai crosses her arms, “she’s been with you for seven years, she should be more or less over it.” She’ll never forgive Yuugao for the weekend Raidou spent in bed.

“I’ll ask,” Kakashi says, “but I won’t make any guarantees.”

“That’s all you have to do,” Kurenai says. Kakashi hums to himself.

“All this work, to keep our former students from thinking we’re sad, lonely, old, sexless people.” Kakashi watches Kurenai put her napkin on her lap as their food comes.

“I just want to model something happy for Sasuke and Hinata,” she says, “they don’t have real parents, they just have us. We should try and look semi-functional, just for them.”

“You don’t think we’re fully functional?” he asks. Kurenai frowns.

“I think you’re asking a lot of questions over something so simple.” She pauses, gathering her thoughts. “We’re all going to have to accept, sooner rather than later, that none of us expected to end up where we are.” Kurenai expected to be a happy family Asuma and Mirai. Raidou and Yuugao were going to have a bunch of kids. Kakashi wanted to, more or less, be left the hell alone. Hinata wanted to be with Naruto.

Kurenai can only speculate, but she expects that Sasuke probably had no plans for the future. Not dead was probably as far as he got. “Not expecting life to end up this way,” Kakashi says, “what a theme.”

“It’s not even over,” Kurenai replies, “we don’t even have that small mercy.” She smiles when she sees Kakashi bark with laughter.

 _You’re right_.

**

When Kurenai comes home from dinner, Raidou is washing the dishes. She ran into Genma and Mirai on the way home. Apparently, he promised her ice cream and, by god, Genma isn’t going to stop honouring his promises now. Mirai asked her if she wanted anything, and Kurenai said that all she wants is the moon. _You’ve got enough money for that_ , Mirai looks up at Genma, who frowned at her. _You’ve got me confused for a certain someone who lets the two of you walk all over him._ Mirai replied the moon can’t be that expensive because everyone sees it for free, every night. Genma howled. _That’s some Kurenai logic right there_.

Eventually, Genma and Mirai walked away, and Kurenai came home. Raidou is humming to himself. Kurenai slips off her sandals and walks up, heading straight for him. “Hey,” she says softly, wrapping her arms around him.

“Hi,” he says, drying a bowl. “How was dinner?”

“It was nice,” Kurenai replies, “Kakashi and I really don’t spend enough time together.” Raidou sets the bowl on the drying rack.

“He’s alright.” Raidou and Genma spend a lot of time with him now, and to be honest, most of it is trying to keep Kakashi interested in his paperwork or hauling files all over the place.

“He and I were talking about Sasuke and Hinata’s wedding, and we were thinking of taking them out for dinner after.” She says, pressing herself into his back.

“That sounds nice,” Raidou hums, letting the dirty water out of the sink before washing his hands.

“Well, I was thinking it would be kinda nice if you and Yuugao tagged along,” she says, “I don’t really want Sasuke and Hinata to think either of us are sad, lonely people.” She feels Raidou’s tummy tense under her hands.

“I don’t know,” he says in a low hum.

“What’s there to know?” Kurenai asks. Raidou looks out the window, at hedge around the yard.

“Well, I don’t want to be insensitive to Yuugao’s feelings.” They only spent four years together, but they had made _big_ plans together. While she has been with Hayate and Kakashi longer, Raidou still feels like it’s too soon to tell her, let alone have a meal with her, Kurenai and Kakashi like nothing happened.

“She’s with Kakashi, I’m sure she’s not hung up on it.” Kurenai says. She’s still a little bitter that she had to watch Raidou and Yuugao get together right in front of her.

“Well, let me go tell her then,” he sighs, “she should find out from me.” In his extensive experience with having uncomfortable conversations with Yuugao, he knows she would prefer to hear it from him instead of someone else. “You know, if I am going to tell her, this means you can’t just break up with me.”

“Why?” Kurenai asks.

“Because it would break my heart, and Yuugao has a mean right hook.”

“She wouldn’t dare,” Kurenai says. Raidou shrugs.

“Hey, I’m the one who would have to land a hit on Kakashi if he hurt her, and I have no clue how the fuck I would do it.” Raidou puts his wet hands over Kurenai’s, leaning back into her. “We loved each other in a very serious way. I don’t want to disrespect her.”

“I know,” Kurenai says in a quiet voice. “If it helps, I’d help you take Kakashi.” Raidou squeezes her hands.

“You know, you and Yuugao are both intensely loyal.” The real mystery is how an average fuckface like him inspires that kind of love. Aoba asked him once, and Raidou shrugged. He is genuinely clueless to the _why_ of Yuugao and Kurenai’s feelings towards him.

“It’s because you’re the best lay in Konoha,” Kurenai hums.

“It all comes back to my dick,” he sighs, “what about my personality?”

“It sparkles,” Kurenai hums. “Like a diamond.”

“It definitely does not,” he says. Kurenai grins, pressing her cheek to his back.

 _Does to_.

**

Raidou knocks on the door of Yuugao’s office, unsure of how he is going to tell her. When she had told him about Kakashi, he had been with Mirai, so he couldn’t react the way he had wanted to, which is to say, badly. It’s for the best that he didn’t, but he definitely went home and sparred a little too hard with Genma and Kurenai. The three of them were all panting on the ground before he finally told them why he was so worked up. _Yuugao is fucking Kakashi_. He had gotten up, showered and didn’t leave his room the whole weekend. It hurt worse when Mirai came in wanting to ‘nurse’ him back to health. He just thought of babies, how he is acting like one, and all the times he and Yuugao tried to conceive, and then, on top of his self-loathing, someone as sweet as Mirai was patting his forehead with her jammy hand telling him to feel better.

Later, Genma told him that Kurenai mean mugged Kakashi so hard that Genma, Aoba and Kakashi all thought she was going to melt him down into a little puddle of goo.

So, while he’s sure Kakashi is buried under too much paperwork to really care, Raidou knows that there is a very good chance that him and Kurenai getting together would reopen an old wound.

“Come in,” Yuugao calls. Raidou opens the door and pokes his head in. She smiles at him. “Hi.”

“Hey Yuugao,” he steps into her office, “do you have a minute?”

“For you, always,” she says, sitting back in her chair. Raidou stands in front of her desk. “I left the hoya clipping up in Kakashi’s office, so it can get lots of sun. When there is a good two inches of root, you can take it home and put it in a pot,” she says.

“Thanks,” he says, “Kakashi pointed it out when I was up there.”

“Oh, he did?” Yuugao asks. Lately, she isn’t sure what registers for Kakashi. Sasuke becoming a dad has been the one nice thing he has spoken about all week. The rest has been unadulterated fuckery _. It’s like the everyone, but you, wants me to blow my brains out_ , Kakashi had sighed into her neck this morning.

“Look, I have to tell you something, and I don’t think you’ll like it.” Raidou inhales, trying not to think of all the time he has spent in this office. “Kurenai and I are seeing each other.”

Yuugao’s left eye twitches, which is how he knows that this news bothers her. Raidou bites his lip, watching her bob her head slowly. “Kakashi mentioned dinner with you and Kurenai.”

“Yeah,” he says, “she came up with that one on the fly.” Needless to say, had Raidou been consulted beforehand, it would have been a hard _absolutely not_. If he had been the one to ask Yuugao, she would have agreed. They aren’t jealous, so much as they respect each other’s feelings enough to know that it still feels a little soon. But here they are.

“I can fake sick or something.” He says, rubbing the back of his head.

“And leave me with Kurenai and Kakashi?” Yuugao asks, crossing her arms. “No, you are coming too.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I really…this isn’t how I wanted you to find out.” She nods.

“There was never going to be a good way,” she says softly. Raidou nods.

“When you told me about Kakashi, I went home and sparred with Genma and Kurenai until I felt like my arms were going to fall off.” He says this, because he wants her to know that anger is a normal response. “I was so angry. I didn’t have a right to be, but I was.” Yuugao tilts her head.

“It’s not anger, so much as sadness, for me.” Her voice is soft. “I feel profoundly sad.” Her face doesn’t move, which is how he knows she is trying to be brave. In her head, she is already wording the text she will send to Yamato. _I wish I were a concrete wall_. That way, she wouldn’t feel a thing.

“Fair.” He replies. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” she asks.

“For how it all turned out.” He says in a sad voice. Yuugao nods, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

“I want you to be happy too,” she says. “it would be selfish for me to want you to never move on, and Kurenai has always loved you a lot.” _Maybe more than_ _I_.

“You’re happy?” he asks, smiling sadly. She nods again.

“I am happy.” Raidou exhales big, relieved.

“I don’t know what I would have said if that weren’t the case.” He replies, tilting his head. Yuugao smiles at him.

“I’d like to think you’d just call Yamato instead of trying to fix it yourself.” She says with a sly expression on her face.

“Your innuendo was never subtle.” Raidou says, making Yuugao snort.

“It’s not supposed to be subtle.” She leans forward on her desk, setting her elbows down, resting her chin on her hand. “I still have that dirty movie we made.” Raidou blinks.

“And?”

“Well, do you want me to get rid of it?” she asks. “Do you even have a copy?”

“Uh, no.” He says, “I forgot about it, actually, and well, it would have been rude to ask after we broke up.”

“Well, should I destroy it?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“I kinda like the idea of it being our secret,” he says, “but if you don’t want it, get rid of it.” Yuugao smiles.

“So, I can keep it?” she says. Raidou grins.

“You know, Kurenai tried to convince me to make one of those when we were younger.” He winks at her. Yuugao smirks.

“I’m hard to say no to,” she says. Raidou nods.

“Yeah.” He looks at his watch, and sighs at the time. “I got to go deal with some paperwork.”

“Well, I’ll see you around.” Yuugao says, watching him leave her office. She takes out her phone and texts Yamato, telling him that she is going to visit his place tonight.

**

Kurenai sits across from Raidou at the restaurant, her chin on her fist, watching him eat. He is very polite when he eats. His mouth is always closed, and he never takes huge bites. His mom raised him to be the kind of man a girl could bring home to her parents. It makes Kurenai insanely jealous that Yuugao got to do just that. When they were walking over to the restaurant, they ran into Yuugao’s mother, who talked to Raidou for fifteen minutes about the violets she is trying to grow this year. Kurenai held onto his hand and nodded awkwardly when Yuugao’s mother asked if they were going on a date. _Yes,_ Raidou had replied, _we’re just going to that new place up the street_. Yuugao’s mother smiled at both of them, a real smile, and told Raidou that she is happy for him. Clearly, she doesn’t know what really happened between the three of them.

So, here they are, and Kurenai is watching Raidou eat noodles. She wishes he were gobbling her up instead. “I would stick my tongue in your mouth while you had chewed up food in it.” Her voice is sing-song, like she’s teasing him. Raidou swallows, unamused.

“Would you do it in front of all these people?” he asks. He puts some more noodles in his mouth, chewing quietly. Kurenai smiles and nods, before standing up and leaning over the table. He blinks, nose to nose with Kurenai. He stops chewing.

“Of course, I would,” she says, looking deep into his eyes. He swallows loudly.

“It’s enough to know you’d do it,” he says, watching her sit back down. He looks around, and no one is paying attention to them, thankfully. “You need to find an outlet, so you’re not just throwing yourself at me.”

“Most men would love to be in your position.” She replies. Raidou shrugs.

“I’m saying, why don’t you try going on tougher missions.” He says, “you clearly have some energy…”

“Saying you can’t keep up, old man?” she asks. Raidou narrows his eyes. One thing he takes seriously is being the best lay in Konoha, and you don’t get there without endurance.

“I’m saying, Mirai is old enough that you could start going back out on more challenging ones,” he says, “it’s just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it.” Kurenai picks at her food.

“I’ve thought about it,” she says, “it’s just…I don’t like the idea of what would happen if something happened to me. Look at us; we lost both of our parents in one evening.” Kurenai takes easy missions, because she wants to see Mirai grow up.

“I could get hit by a car and you could have an anyeurism and Genma could be struck by lightning all on the same day,” he says. “It’s just a thought, but I think you would enjoy it.”

“Enjoy it?”

“Well, and you’d be too tired to mount me in public.” He grins at the sheepish look on her face. “You really didn’t need to take me on a second date.”

“But I want to treat you right!” She says in a bossy voice. Raidou smiles and puts hand over hers.

“You’re always yourself, Kurenai.” His smile is big and warm, and it makes her insides feel gooey. Her heart thumps when she feels the callus of his thumb stroke the back of her hand. It’s kind of disgusting, this feeling of being absolutely adored. Like she’s leaking honey from every pore. It’s a warm, sticky feeling in her guts.

“What?” she says, blushing. Raidou grins big, knowing he has won.

“I just like smiling at you,” he says, “there’s nothing more to it than that.” He put his thumb under hand, pushing it under her palm. Kurenai closes her hand on his, looking into his eyes.

“Tell me something about yourself, like I don’t know everything already.” She says, her voice soft. Raidou grins, and decides to tell her about his day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, alive, still. I put too much of my personal business in here, but needless to say, I am still a functional human being who bathes regularly and walks in the land of the sane (somehow). 
> 
> Anyway, here is another chapter. I don't blame you guys for thinking I'm going to pull the rug out from under you, but I promise everyone is going to be happy and functional, even though none of them really expected to be here. There is going to be a lot of Kurenai/Raidou smut, because a big part of this fic is giving Kurenai a universe where she isn't a sad, dowdy, lonely widow and I think it's kind of sad that middle aged and older adults with kids are considered to be beings devoid of sexuality. It won't be important to the plot, so you can honestly skip it. 
> 
> I always say this, but feel free to leave a comment. They make me smile, and they, more often than not, bring up something I hadn't considered or make me laugh. They keep me motivated to finish this thing, and clearly they are working, since I am twenty-six chapters in, with the end in clear sight. Thank you for reading, and stay safe in this time of pestilence!


	27. Equinox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Processing.

“I buried a hatchet, it’s coming up lavender”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Smoke Signals”

Kurenai walks up to the Hyuuga compound, where she and Hinata agreed to meet. She is wearing a crimson yukata, and her hair is pinned up out of her face. Raidou told her that she looked beautiful this morning, and Kurenai has been walking on air ever since. As she approaches the compound, she sees Hinata talking to Hiashi. He is dressed in grey, as always, his hair smooth and hanging down his back. Hinata looks up at him, wearing a white sundress, her hair pinned out of her face, with a flower hairpin in the back.

“Hi,” Kurenai says, “how are you?” Hinata smiles at her, while Hiashi’s face remains blank.

“I’m good,” Hinata says, “how are you?”

“I’m alright,” she smiles. “Hiashi?”

“Myself.” He replies. He turns back to Hinata and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. He doesn’t say anything, but he looks at Hinata with a softness she has never seen in him before. They look into each other’s eyes, and Hinata smiles up at him. It’s nice, seeing Hiashi act like a father.

“We’re going to dinner after. Would you like to join us?” Kurenai asks. Hiashi shakes his head.

“You two will be late.” He says, his hand falling from Hinata’s face.

“Thank you,” Hinata says softly, turning her back on Hiashi first. Kurenai waves, before following her.

**

Kakashi and Sasuke are waiting outside the courthouse, which, believe it or not, is not a part of Hokage Tower. Sasuke’s arms are crossed, while Kakashi’s hands are tucked into his pockets. “You excited?” Kakashi asks.

“A little.” Sasuke doesn’t smile, but he doesn’t frown.

“Nervous?”

“A little more.” Sasuke starts looking around.

“She’s going to show up.” Kakashi drawls. “Kurenai will make sure of it.”

“I’m not worried about that,” he replies, “I’m nervous about after.” He doesn’t want to fuck this up. He wants to be a good husband and father, and he is anxious because he didn’t have it modelled for him. His therapist tells him not to worry, that self-awareness is the first step, but that doesn’t make him feel better.

“It’s not all about you anymore,” Kakashi says, “you’re going to figure it out.”

“I know that,” Sasuke replies. He is keenly aware that there are now two people who will rely on him to come home safely.

“Well,” Kakashi says, “Kurenai and Hinata are here, so if you have any second thoughts, now is the time to tell me.” Sasuke glares at Kakashi, making the latter beam. “Don’t choke.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Sasuke scowls, before smiling at Hinata.

“Lots,” Kakashi drawls, waving at Kurenai.

“Ready?” Kurenai asks, watching as Hinata takes Sasuke’s hand. She looks up at him, and they nod at the same time.

“Yes,” Hinata says, and Sasuke squeezes her hand.

“Well,” Kurenai says, “why delay the inevitable?”

**

Raidou and Yuugao sit across from each other at the restaurant. They both got there early. Yuugao is wearing one of her nice, pink dresses. Raidou is wearing his navy yukata, the one he wears for nice occasions that aren’t funerals. Yuugao forced him to buy one, because her friend was getting married and he looks good in blue. He still wears the silver chain she bought him. It makes her heart hurt.

They are talking about nothing in particular. Raidou took the hoya home. Mirai wanted it, so it’s in her room now. “She has a green thumb,” he hums. Yuugao nods. It still really, really hurts to see him with Mirai. Her greatest fear is that Raidou and Kurenai are going to have their own baby. It would rip her apart. She is in love with Kakashi, and she wants to be with him, but she doesn’t think she would ever be able to leave bed again if Raidou got Kurenai pregnant. “I dropped Mirai off for a sleepover at her friend’s house. It’s her first one, too. She’s really excited.” Raidou drums the table with his fingers. “I know it’s silly, but I’m a little nervous, because Genma isn’t at home to take the call if something if she needs someone. Kurenai and Genma tell me I’m insane, and maybe I am—”

“Are you thinking about kids?” she asks, blurting it out. Raidou blinks at her.

“What?” he asks. His train of thought is completely derailed by this question.

“I mean,” she bites her lip, “you’re with someone who can have a child.”

“I guess.” He looks down at the table, the condensation from his glass pooling on the table.

“I mean, I just want to know if it’s in your future,” Yuugao says. She still has time to leave the restaurant and crawl to Yamato, wherever he is. She can lie on his bathroom floor, and he can stroke her back.

“I haven’t thought about it.” He says, reaching his hand out on the table. It hurts his feelings when Yuugao moves her hands away. “I only ever wanted kids with you. In all honesty, I don’t see myself having kids, ever.” He frowns when he sees Yuugao blink rapidly, the way she does when she is trying not to cry.

“It’s the same for me.” She admits, “I love Kakashi, but I don’t want to have children with him.” If she were to get pregnant now, it would feel like a sick, cosmic joke. “What about Mirai?” Yuugao reaches out her hands and places them over his.

“She is very special to me, and I love her so much it scares me sometimes,” Raidou says, “but I’m not her dad. I’m her Raidou.”

“There’s only one of you,” she says softly. Raidou nods, because he’s been told this a lot over the years.

They sit there for a moment, thinking about where they thought they would be by now. It’s still painful to think about, but it’s a little easier to recover now.

“Thank you for answering my question.” Yuugao squeezes his hands before letting them go. He pulls his hand back.

“It’s no bother,” he says, “I get it.” _Completely_.

**

Like most people who have seen each other in a therapist’s waiting room, Sasuke and Raidou pretend like they have never locked eyes. Kurenai sits beside him, squeezing his thigh when she sat down. Yuugao touched Kakashi’s arm when he sat down beside her, and they both pretended that they didn’t just have the conversation they just had.

Hinata gives Raidou and Kurenai a knowing look, but she doesn’t say anything. Yuugao asks about the ceremony, which went well. Sasuke and Hinata wear simple silver bands, and they are both very quiet. In all honesty, it is very awkward. Raidou and Yuugao haven’t quite recovered from their little moment, and Kakashi and Kurenai are still a little amazed that Sasuke and Hinata are old enough to have sex, let alone make a baby and get married. “So,” Kurenai says, “do you two have any plans?” Sasuke looks at Hinata, clearly hoping she’ll take this question.

“Well,” she says, “we were looking at going to that beach that’s about a day’s drive away.”

“The one on the coast?” Yuugao asks. Hinata nods, and Yuugao smiles.

“Didn’t we go to that one?” she turns to Raidou, who had been sipping his beer and pretending that none of this is awkward.

“Once,” he says, “we decided not to go back after we met that American tourist.”

“I think she was Canadian, actually,” Yuugao hums. “I thought she was funny.” Raidou scoffs.

“She was a complete monster.” He says, “didn’t she drink, like, five blue drinks and tell you that you ought to move to France with her?”

“She was sweet!” Yuugao counters.

“You had known her for an hour,” Raidou says, “wasn’t she on marriage number five?”

“To the same man,” Yuugao hums, “married and divorced five times.”

“That poor, delusional man.” Raidou says. Hinata and Sasuke put two and two together, very quickly figuring out why Yuugao and Raidou were at a beach together. Kakashi and Kurenai feel a little awkward, but this conversation beats sitting in silence, trying to get Sasuke to engage.

“I still have the ring she bought me from the vending machine.” Yuugao says, “she called you grumpy.” Raidou frowns.

“She was drunk all the time and hogging your attention.” Raidou says, “she clung to us for a whole weekend.”

“We made an impression on her,” Yuugao smiles.

“I imagine that emotional stability would leave an impression, yes.” Raidou replies. It’s not awkward for Yuugao and Raidou to talk about the happy parts of their relationship. It’s the kind of memory that’s appropriate to share at this kind of thing. “Maybe you should get Kakashi to take you there. If I was grumpy, I’d love to know how she’d react to his indifference.”

“Rude,” Yuugao says, “you wouldn’t be indifferent, would you?” she turns to Kakashi, who shrugs.

“Who’s to say?” he replies, “the real question is what she would do if she saw Raidou with someone other than you.” Raidou groans loudly at the possibility.

“I bet she’d like me,” Kurenai hums, “I’m no Yuugao, but I am vastly more charming than either of you.”

“Maybe she’d imprint on Hinata,” Raidou rubs his eyes, “you two should avoid that place.”

“It sounds like it could be fun,” Hinata says, “Sasuke, do you want to meet a drunk Canadian who divorces and remarries the same man and buys jewelry from vending machines?”

Sasuke makes a face that is so unexpected, yet so deeply him, that everyone at the table bursts out laughing.

**

Kakashi stands under the shower, sighing under the cold water. He tenses up and then relaxes, something that helps him de-stress. Dinner wasn’t as bad as he was expecting, and it was nice seeing Sasuke grow up. He sighs, tilting his head up to look at the ceiling. The cold water feels nice.

“Are you standing under cold water again?” Yuugao asks, sticking her head into the shower. He turns his head and looks at her, shrugging.

“It’s soothing,” he replies, shrugging. Yuugao disappears behind the curtain, but he can hear the rustle of her clothes. _Predictable_. He sighs again, letting the cold water fall on his face. He turns around when she slips in behind him. “How’d you feel about tonight?”

“It was a little awkward,” she says, “but I had fun.”

“Even with Raidou there?” Kakashi asks. They’ve never spoken about how things ended between her and Raidou, but he knows that they had a lot of plans together. Yuugao’s tummy tightens with the way he looks at her. This question makes her a little nervous.

“You know, he made it easier.” She says, “Raidou and I had a nice conversation. I think he and I should go get lunch sometime.” She pauses. “I hope this doesn’t bother you, but I miss him.” Kakashi eyes the scar across her stomach. Clearly, at one point, she had been slashed open, and she should have died. It makes him angry to think about it.

“It depends on how you miss him,” Kakashi says, walking up to her.

“I just miss talking to him.” Yuugao doesn’t want to get into it, not really. Kakashi nods. It’s none of his business. “I don’t want to get back with him or anything.”

“I never thought that.” He walks up to her and touches a hand to her face. “Did you ever want to get married?” Yuugao blinks.

“What?”

“Did you and Raidou ever plan on getting married?” he asks. Yuugao laughs.

“Fuck no,” she says, “we both figured out, early on, that neither of us wanted to get married.” Yuugao wraps her arms around his waist. “Do you?”

“Absolutely not,” he replies, “it’s too much paperwork.” Yuugao giggles and kisses his chin. He feels cold against her, but she plans on that changing.

“I’m so glad that we agree,” she kisses his mouth, standing on her tiptoes, pressing her tummy to his. Kakashi feels all his blood rush down, down, down. When Yuugao sticks her tongue in his mouth, it’s like everything comes into sharp focus.

She sets her foot on the edge of the tub, and he pulls her up and against and then, on him. Yuugao wraps her arms around his shoulders and a leg around his waist. She clenches herself around him, tighter and tighter as he moves inside of her, making her gasp. _Yes, yes, yes_. She twists her fingers into his hair, and she kisses his neck as he groans. She feels him in all the places she likes, and it’s like a part of her is being broken and remade. She likes it when it hurts, so he delivers.

When he comes inside of her, she wraps herself so tight around him that it’s like she is supporting him. “Quit your job,” she says in his ear, “quit your job and we can do this all the time.”

“It wouldn’t be as fun if we were doing it all the time.” He replies, setting her down. Yuugao whines when they part. “You’re very needy.”

“Most men would love to be so needed.” She replies, watching him step back and turn off the shower.

“I’m not saying I didn’t like it,” he says, “I was making an observation.” Yuugao smiles at him as he walks over to her. “One could say that I like it very much.” She says nothing, instead, wrapping her arms around his waist and placing her lips inside of his collarbone, feeling him humming on her lips.

**

Raidou sits on the end of the bed, naked, watching Kurenai rub her night cream into her face. She’s aged well. There are a few wrinkles around her eyes, and some grey hairs around her temples, but she looks, more or less, the same to him. She’s wearing her little satin robe, the kind all women seem to have, and her hair is in a ponytail.

Dinner had been fine. Raidou and Yuugao aren’t over it, but the wound is mostly healed. He sits with his elbows on his knees, looking at the backs of her legs.

“I am never getting married,” he declares. Kurenai turns around and looks at him.

“What?” she asks. Raidou looks up at her.

“I just want you to know now,” he says, “I’m never getting married.” The few months where he would’ve married Yuugao were born out of desperation rather than a genuine desire for that kind of commitment. “I never want to, not will I.” Kurenai nods.

“I know,” she says, “you’ve said as much before.” Nine years, she lived with the fact that he would never marry her. Now, she’s had a husband, and she has realized that marriage is just a piece of paper. It didn’t strengthen her commitment to Asuma or make her love him more. It was just the thing that they knew was expected of them. Death doesn’t care about love, marriage or babies.

Raidou sighs with relief, leaning back onto his hands. “I feel so much better for saying that,” he says, “it’s like I can breathe again.”

“Should I be offended?” Kurenai asks, walking over to him. He puffs his cheeks, shaking his head.

“Nah,” he says, “I only would have married Yuugao if we decided to adopt. Neither of us wanted to get married.” It was never the plan. Kurenai stands in front of him, her arms crossed.

“So, you wouldn’t marry me?” she asks quietly. Raidou sighs.

“If you really, really, really wanted me to, or if there was a good tax cut,” he says, “but I just don’t see it for myself.”

Kurenai frowns at him, and he holds his arms out to her. She sits on his lap, not looking at his face but leaning against him. “Why are you upset?” he asks, putting his arms around her.

“Because I always feel like I want you more than you want me,” she says quietly. It’s been a neurosis of hers for the better part of her life. _Do you want me like I want you?_ Raidou hums and he kisses the side of her neck.

“I want you just as much as you want me,” he says, “trust me.” He keeps kissing her neck, and he sticks a hand between her thighs.

“But how do I know?” she says, her voice rising as his hand slips up past her robe. “You won’t marry me, you won’t sleep in here overnight, you say we aren’t couple-y enough,” she sighs, “show me you want me just as badly as I want you.” Raidou smiles against her neck when realizes she is naked under her robe.

“Well, how badly do you want me?” he says.

“I’d give you everything I’ve given Asuma,” she hums, “if you asked, I’d marry you and have your babies.” He rubs his thumb against her clit.

“So, you want everything Yuugao has?” he says, “does that mean you want Kakashi too?” Kurenai pulls away from him, standing up.

“You’re not taking this seriously,” she says. Raidou tilts his head.

“What?”

“This exercise.” She huffs.

“What’s there to be upset about? I just made a lame joke.” He leans back on his hands. Touching his big toe to her calf, he thinks about what he has given Yuugao, and how he is going to get out of this mess.

Kurenai looks down at him, biting her lip. “It’s not funny, how much I want you.” Raidou stands up and walks to her. He plays with the knot of her robe, not saying anything.

“I can’t have a baby if Yuugao can’t,” he says softly, “it would kill her.” Raidou undoes her robe and puts both of his hands over her tummy. “If she had a kid, I would feel differently.” Another set of babies for him to grieve. It had never occurred to him that maybe Kurenai would want another child. “I don’t want to get married because I think it’s dumb, but I’d do it for you, if you really, really wanted to.” Her hands fall to her side as she looks up at him, waiting for him stop talking. “But you know what I can give you?”

“No,” she replies.

“Remember when you wanted to make a dirty movie when you were twenty-two?” he asks. Kurenai blinks up at him.

“Oh?” she smirks.

“Yeah,” he grins, “well, I made one with Yuugao, and while I haven’t watched it, I think it’s only fair that we make one too.” He pushes her robe off of her shoulders before kissing her.

“It’s not a baby,” she says, as he kisses her jaw, “or a wedding.”

“You’re right, it is ten times more fun than either of those things,” he kisses the side of her neck.

“You’re the worst,” she wraps her arms around his waist.

“A nasty motherfucker, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he quotes her back at herself. Kurenai stands on her tiptoes to kiss him.

“Let’s make a real dirty, nasty movie.” Kurenai says into his mouth. Raidou smiles.

“Is there any other kind worth recording?” He watches her walk over to her desk and pick up her laptop. She walks over to her headboard and places the computer on the windowsill behind it. She turns the webcam on, silently thanking Aoba for talking her into getting the computer with a nicer camera.

“We need to turn on more lights.” She says, turning the lamps on either side of the bed on. Raidou watches her back, thinking about all the muscles and tendons and bones that make it so beautiful to him. He gets up on the end of the bed and goes straight towards her, coming up from behind.

“Kurenai,” he murmurs into her ear, “as long as everything is visible, we’re good.” He kisses her ear, and she watches him on the screen. She drops her shoulder, entranced by the way his mouth looks on her. He pulls out her ponytail and puts the elastic around his wrist, since he knows how Kurenai hates losing them.

“You know what my vision is?” she asks.

“What is your vision?” he asks. Kurenai wiggles her hips against his, smiling at his erection.

“I want to see your face when you’re inside me. That’s all I want to capture.” She leans forward and angles the laptop and pushes them back, so the front of her body and their faces are visible to the camera.

“That’s all?” he asks, snaking his hand along her stomach to the place between her legs. Kurenai looks back at him.

“I like porn where you see the faces,” she says, “I’m not going to watch this so I can see myself.”

“You don’t want to watch yourself get fucked?” Raidou asks in a low voice. Kurenai moans when he traces around her clit. She tilts her pelvis forward, biting her lip.

“I want to watch you fuck me.” They make eye contact when they look at the screen at the same time. “I’m going to hit record now.” She reaches forward and hits the button. “I encourage you to talk really dirty.

“Talk really dirty?” he hums, “how dirty?” he slips a finger inside of her.

“Nasty motherfucker dirty.” She hums.

“I’m self-conscious now.” He whispers this into her neck, slipping another finger inside. Kurenai watches the screen, waiting for him to work her up, for him to get her to the point where they both say crazy, desperate things. She bites her lip to keep herself from giggling, but he feels her shaking under him. “What’s so funny?”

“I just feel silly looking at myself.” She says quietly. Raidou presses his mouth to her shoulder and leaves a suck mark, smiling to himself when she hums.

Kurenai waits for something to spark up inside of her. She supposes that, at the age of forty-one, she should be a little less desperate. She went nine years without being touched by a man, so it feels like something inside her has been reawakened. Kurenai wants to make up for lost time; the time they were apart, when she was too busy being a mom and he was emotionally unavailable. She wants to prove to him that she’s his soulmate. She wants to feel how much he loves her.

They are also just very, very good at sex. So good, that she wants to have a memento for when he’s away. She moans around his hand, and he watches her face on the screen. It’s strange to be able to see her face from this position. Her mouth is open, and tops of her lower teeth are visible. Raidou kisses his shoulder.

“I’m sorry that I’m so quiet.” He says into her neck, “I just like watching you more than I thought I would.” Kurenai opens her eyes and looks into his own the computer screen.

“I’m pretty cute,” she says, laughing against him.

“I’d say you’re hot,” he says, “what’s the phrase?”

“I’m a MILF.” She swears as he rubs the right spot. He smiles.

“Yes,” he says, “you’re a MILF.” He feels pretty lucky to get to be with her, especially after everything that happened between them. Sliding a third finger in, he thinks about how happy he is to be here, for reasons aside from the obvious. Everything is easy, when they are together in this way. Kurenai makes him feel like he can do anything.

Raidou had stopped paying close attention, but he snaps back into focus when he hears Kurenai cursing him out. He can feel her clenching, so he keeps going. She closes her eyes and makes a high-pitched noise when he pushes past the limit. He keeps touching her, not that she wants him to stop, but it’s overwhelming. “You can just scream,” he says, “no one else is here.”

Raidou isn’t prepared for the volume or the ways that she combines words and phrases like ‘yes,’ ‘motherfucker,’ ‘right there,’ ‘don’t stop,’ among others. His crowning achievement was when she said, on tape, that she would kill him if he stopped. So, he withdrew his hand, raised her hips and entered her from behind. It didn’t shut her up, but she does sigh and relax a little. She looks at the two of them moving on the screen, how his thrusting is making her breasts bounce, and she pushes her hips back, fascinated by how hot they look. They aren’t in their twenties, but they don’t look half-bad when he inside of her.

“What is my pussy like?” she asks. Raidou grunts, looking her in the eye on the screen. “Tell me.”

“Your pussy is the best in Konoha.” He told himself he wouldn’t say it, but he sees no reason to hold back. Kurenai grins.

“Really?” she asks. Raidou doesn’t respond, preferring to fuck that dumb smile right off of her face.

 _Slap, slap, slap_. They are looking into each other’s eyes on the computer screen. It makes something in Raidou’s chest lock up, and he leans into the bright, speedy feeling. Kurenai isn’t smiling anymore, rather, she is biting her lip. “Give it to me.” So, he does. He’s surprised by how loud he is, the way Kurenai presses her forehead to the pillow, and how he follows her, so his lips are pressed to the knot of her spine.

“Fuck,” he says. Kurenai sighs.

“That was so much fun,” she says. Raidou sits up, leaning forward and stopping the video, before closing the computer and rolling onto his back. He stares up at the ceiling, wondering if he is going to have to pay somewhere down the line for how hard he just came. Kurenai rolls onto her side, looking at him. “Did you have fun?”

“I think your vagina gave me a stroke,” he rubs his face with his hands as Kurenai laughs. She rolls onto her back and opens her arms to him. He blinks.

“I don’t even get a moment of peace?” he asks. Kurenai shakes her head, grinning. With a sigh, Raidou stands up and turns off all the lights, before crawling into bed next to her. 

**

Kurenai sits in Hinata and Sasuke’s apartment, with several big boxes of baby things that Kiba and Chouji helped her carry over. Hinata sits on the couch beside her, holding up a small, yellow onesie. She still isn’t fat, but she’s told her friends. Akamaru is flopped over on his side, while Kiba sips a coffee and Chouji munches on chips. They don’t have anything else to do, and everyone is curious as to how (a) Sasuke and Hinata live with each other and (b) anyone, let alone Hinata, can like Sasuke so much that she let him put a baby in her.

Hinata frowns at the onesie. “It’s so small,” she says softly. Kurenai smiles next to her.

“Well, babies are small,” she says. She smiles, remember how little Mirai was. She misses it, sometimes.

“Yeah, you don’t want something big coming out of there,” Kiba says. Chouji nods.

“You want it nice and small,” Chouji says. Hinata sets the onesie down on her lap and frowns.

“I don’t want my baby to be too small,” she hums. She wants her baby to be chubby and healthy. Her baby is still so small, and it bothers her a little. She wants them to grow and grow and be strong and healthy, like her and Sasuke. Hinata doesn’t say it, but she is very nervous about parenthood. Sasuke is sensitive, so she doesn’t say anything to him, but sometimes she thinks about it a little too much and she feels like she is going to throw up.

“They won’t be,” Kurenai says, “try not to worry about it.” When she had this anxiety, Genma told her that there are people who would give anything to have something in there. _Have some patience and gratitude and wait for when this is an actual problem_. She hated him for saying it, but she can’t argue with the fact that she needed the reality check.

“Okay,” Hinata says quietly. Kiba picks up a bib, one with a little scoop at the bottom to collect fallen food and tells Chouji that he needs the adult version.

Hinata picks up another onesie, and Kurenai stares off into space. She and Raidou sleep next to each other now. It’s been a month, and they told Mirai that they are sharing a bed now. They said they are dating, but they haven’t really told her what that means. Mirai had shrugged and gone on with her day, which Kurenai regards as a parenting win.

She thinks of the way that woke up to Raidou’s hot breath on her shoulder blade, when Ino barges in, carrying a bouquet of lilies. “Hi- _NAH_ -ta!” She crows, throwing her bag on the floor, kicking off her shoes.

“You’re so loud.” Kiba says, throwing the bib at Ino. It falls to the floor and Ino sticks out her tongue.

“Ibiki and I made a mood board for the baby’s room,” Ino says, squeezing in next to Hinata, “and I brought you flowers.”

“You’ve already made five,” Hinata sighs.

“So?” Ino says, “Ibiki and I have a _vision_.” Kiba snorts, while Chouji rolls his eyes.

“More like a shared delusion,” Chouji remarks. Ino glares at him, before placing the bouquet on top of all the baby clothes.

“Aren’t those funeral flowers?” Kiba asks, pointing at the bouquet.

“They are Hinata’s favorite _and_ marrying Sasuke is a kind of death,” Ino drawls. Kiba and Chouji laugh, while Hinata squirms.

“Stop, Ino.” She says softly. Kurenai puts her hand on Hinata’s shoulder, as Ino, Kiba and Chouji talk about whether or not lilies were an appropriate choice.

“A part of you has to die to transform,” Kurenai says quietly.

“That’s morbid,” Hinata says softly.

“It’s the truth,” Kurenai says, “and it’s worth it.” Raidou’s Kurenai, Asuma’s Kurenai are both dead; she is now Mirai’s Kurenai, which is why she can hold the truth of her soul love for Raidou and her chosen love for Asuma together in her heart, without snapping.

“You’re telling a pregnant person that she’s dying?” Hinata asks. Kurenai grins.

“No, I’m telling you that you are transforming.” Kurenai says softly, “you’re going to be someone new, when this is all over.” Hinata smiles softly and picks up another onesie.

“Totally new?”

 _Completely_.

**

Raidou watches Mirai look at the fish in the pet store, her face close but not pressed to the glass. She frowned at him when he pressed the tip of his finger to point at a red fish. Apparently, the fish don’t like it when you touch the tank. Genma takes her here, and she begged Raidou to come with her for once. She was really good today, so he agreed.

“Why do you like looking at the fish?” he asks. Mirai doesn’t turn to look up at them.

“Because they can live in water the way we live in air.” She leans in closer.

“You mean on earth. We live on earth, Mirai.” He says, looking around the pet store.

“I said what I said,” she replies, “don’t correct me.” Raidou sighs, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“Well, do you want a fish?” he asks. Mirai shakes her head.

“No,” she says softly, “I think they should all stay together. I don’t like the idea that maybe I’d be taking them away from their family.” Mirai looks up at him with her big, crimson eyes, and Raidou has to keep himself from hugging her the way he would when she was little. She makes him feel like he could burst, and he doesn’t know how to put those feelings into words. _How did Kurenai and Asuma make you?_

Raidou smiles at her, and she grabs his arm, hanging off of him. “Do you think any of these fish know who their dad is?” Raidou tilts his head, looking at the tank.

“I don’t know if fish have dads the way people do.” He answers, carefully.

“Do you think some of them have dads they’ve never met?” she asks, squeezing his arm.

“A few of them, yes.” He doesn’t think fish raise their babies, but this conversation isn’t really about them. Mirai scrunches her face, leaning against Raidou.

“So, there are fish like me.”

“Yes, Mirai.” Raidou kneels down, so they are eye level. “Your dad was a good guy.” He does miss Asuma, and wishes he were alive. Raidou’s life would be different but being in love with Yuugao would never be a punishment or compromise, not in any world. “Do you want to talk about him?” Sometimes, she wants to talk about Asuma, other times, Mirai wants to glower into space and set her jaw the way Asuma did whenever Raidou ticked him off. _Your father deserved better_. Mirai pouts, looking down at the floor.

“Are you my dad now?” she asks quietly. Raidou’s jaw drops, and he makes a choking noise.

“What?”

“Are you my dad now?” she asks, narrowing her eyes. She shifts around, a little nervous.

“No,” he answers softly, “why are you asking me that?”

“You and mom.” She crosses her arms and looks back at the fish. He and Kurenai have told her that they are sleeping in the same bed, but they haven’t told her what that means, exactly. Mirai had nodded and said that she wanted Guy or Aoba to move into Raidou’s room.

“Your mom and I are seeing each other, yes.”

“And you do all the things a dad would do,” Mirai says.

“Yes,” he says, “but I’m not your dad. No one can replace him.” Raidou opens his arms to her, like he did when she was little, and Mirai charges right into them. She tucks her face into his neck, and he feels bad because he knows he can’t fix the problem. She wheezes a little, like she did when she was a baby, and something tugs in his chest. He kisses the side of her head, angry on her behalf for the way things turned out.

“I would like to meet him.”

“I’m sure he feels the same,” Raidou looks at the fish in the tank. It must be hard to know so much about someone you’ll never meet in this life.

“Do you think so?” Mirai pulls away and looks right into his eyes.

“Yes,” he says, “I am very sure that he would like to meet you.” Mirai tilts her head.

“And you’re not my new dad.”

“Nope,” Raidou smiles, “you don’t need a new one.”

“Then what are you and mom doing?” Mirai asks. The question throws Raidou off, because he doesn’t really know how to articulate all the big, impossible things Kurenai makes him feel, let alone explain it to a nine-year old.

“Your mom and I are figuring things out.” He says, “but no matter what, you are still going to call me Raidou, and I am not your father.” Mirai nods, appearing to accept this answer.

“Okay,” she says. “Your home in my heart is the same.” Kurenai explained that people you love live in your heart, and it’s a philosophy that Mirai takes seriously. He smiles at her.

“Is my home right next to Genma’s? It’s nicer than his, right?” Raidou relaxes when Mirai nods, grinning.

“I’ll draw you a picture.” She says, letting Raidou go as he stands up.

“I would appreciate it,” he smiles down at her. She looks back at the fish, and waves at the tank before she asks if they can go buy flowers for Asuma’s grave. Raidou thinks it’s a little morbid, but he shrugs and agrees.

**

Raidou doesn’t forget about their conversation, but he doesn’t mention it to Kurenai. As far as he is concerned, it’s not his place to explain his relationship with Kurenai to Mirai. He’s not her father, he is her Raidou. No matter where he and Kurenai are in their relationship, the one he shares with Mirai will always be the same.

She is frowning as she picks at her rice, and they are all eyeing her. Mirai is very talkative, and it’s unusual for her to be quiet.

“Is there something wrong, Mirai?” Kurenai asks, turning to her daughter. Mirai looks up at her, and without missing a beat, asks a question that has Raidou choking and Kurenai’s jaw drop.

“Why are you and Raidou sharing a bed?” she asks. Raidou thumps his own chest to make sure that his heart is still beating, and Kurenai feels her mouth go dry. She closes it, rubbing the roof of her mouth with her tongue.

Genma, on the other hand, cackles and nearly swallows his senbon. He hasn’t laughed this hard since Guy asked the rest of the guys _if it’s true that women have three holes down there_. Guy doesn’t like girls, so really, how was he supposed to know, but between the question and everyone’s reactions, Genma laughed so hard his ribs hurt. Asuma spat out his drink, as Aoba nearly choked on a bar peanut. Raidou thumped his chest then just like he is doing now. Kakashi’s visible eye bulged out of its socket and Hayate, who had been leaning in his chair’s back legs, tumbled backward. _I guess the abyss truly does gaze into you_ , Ibiki replied, which just made Genma laugh harder. Ibiki is gay too, so that led to another round of questions of why he knew that there is a hole each for pee and babies, which, in hindsight, is probably why Ibiki stopped hanging out with them if Anko, Shizune or Kurenai weren’t present.

But that pales in comparison to the frustrated look on Mirai’s face as she tries to square the fact that, while Raidou is not her father, he is sleeping next to her mother. Genma rubs his eyes, trying to stop laughing, while Raidou elbows him.

“What’s funny?” she asks, “what am I missing?” Kurenai stutters in response, and Raidou glares at Genma, who has to breathe in and out, slowly, in order calm himself down.

“Mirai,” he gasps, “you really don’t want to know.”

“Why not?” she asks, leaning over the table at him. Raidou glares at Genma, while Kurenai desperately tries find a way to spin this.

“Because…” Kurenai says, unprepared for the intensity of her daughter’s gaze as she swivels her head to face her, “Raidou and I are in love.” Genma stuffs his fist in his mouth, while Raidou turns white. While he hopes that Mirai grows up to have mutually rewarding sexual relationships built on trust and respect, Raidou absolutely, positively, _never_ wants to talk about sex with her. While he sleeps next to Kurenai because she is a source of comfort and the woman he wants to be with, the fact that it’s easier to just share a bed was the major reason for him moving into her room.

“You’re in love?” Mirai asks. “But weren’t you in love with dad too?”

“Well, honey, you don’t just fall in love with one person over the course of your life.” Kurenai replies. “I love your father, and what we had is still very special to me.”

“But you were in love with dad, and now you’re in love with Raidou.” Mirai says, in an unimpressed voice. It sort of hurts Raidou’s feelings, and he bites back the petulant urge to correct Mirai’s timeline. _Actually, your mother and I were in love first, and then_ …it all went up in flames.

But that wouldn’t be productive. Mirai’s question is born out of several things: confusion, grief, anger, immaturity. She just isn’t old enough to understand some of these things, and Raidou’s insides would shrivel up and turn to dust if she found out the messy truth of him and Kurenai, and how they treated Asuma and Yuugao.

Genma wheezes, grateful that he is present for this beautiful family moment. He wipes a tear from his eye, and sighs to himself. He is so amused, that he decides to help Raidou and Kurenai out. “Mirai,” he says, “you know how in the movies you watch, people come to deeply care for each other?”

“Yes.”

“Well, Raidou and your mother are kinda like a movie. Sometimes, when you spend a lot of time with someone, and neither of you are in a relationship, you get to know each other so well that you fall in love.” Genma says. “That’s how your mom met your dad, and how Raidou met someone else. They were both in love with other people, and then for various reasons, those other people aren’t around, and Raidou and your mom got to know each other and fell in love.” He leans on his chair, his hands behind his head. “Trust me, they gross me out even more than they do you, but they aren’t doing anything wrong.”

“But what about dad?” Mirai asks. Genma shrugs.

“He wouldn’t want your mom to be alone.” He says, bored.

“So, Raidou is like my dad?” Mirai turns up and looks at Kurenai, her eyes big and soft. Kurenai sighs and places a hand on Mirai’s cheek. Raidou says nothing, while his guts are all tied up in knots.

“Raidou isn’t your father,” Kurenai says, “but he and I have a romantic relationship, which means that we have a similar relationship to the one I had with your father. We hold hands and he sleeps next to me, and he isn’t grossed out when I kiss him.”

“But what about dad?” Mirai asks, “what happens to him?” Kurenai’s face twists, and while she knows that she has to be brave, she really does want to fall apart.

“I still love him very much, but he isn’t here, and Raidou is.” She says, “when you’re older, I think you’ll understand how you can love two people very intensely, at the same time.” Mirai frowns at her plate.

“I’m not hungry,” she says, “can I go?” Mirai looks at Raidou, who nods. She takes her bowl and walks into the kitchen, and Raidou gets up and follows her. She places her bowl on the counter, and Raidou comes up behind her.

“I can take that,” he says quietly. Mirai looks up at him, a hard expression on her face.

“Are things really the same?” she asks. Raidou sighs. He gets it. Parents belong to a mythic realm, and it’s impossible to imagine a world where you maybe didn’t exist.

“I suppose not.” He replies. Mirai puffs her cheeks.

“Are you mad at me?” she asks.

“Absolutely not,” he kneels down on the floor, so he is eye-to-eye with her. “I’m not mad at all. I’m a little sad, but that’s for a lot of reasons, none of them being your fault.” Mirai nods, knowing how he feels. She puts her hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t think I’m mad either,” she says softly, “just upset.” Raidou bobs his head.

“You going to your room?” he asks.

“Yes,” she says quietly. “I’m tired.” Raidou holds his hand up, and she gives him a small smile before placing her palm in his. Kurenai walks in and kisses the top of Mirai’s head before she goes up to her bedroom.

“She’s confused,” Raidou says, rubbing his forehead. Kurenai crosses her arms, leaning her hip against the counter.

“She’s pretty young,” she replies. Genma walks into the kitchen unbothered.

“I don’t see why the two of you are so morose,” he says, “she’s just adjusting.” Kurenai and Raidou both look at him like he has lost his mind.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, but I am,” he says, reaching for the cookie jar. “Of course, things are changing. You’ve explained your changing relationship to her in age-appropriate terms. You just need to let her sit with her feelings for a bit. You two aren’t doing anything wrong. Stop looking so pathetic.” Genma stuffs a chocolate chip cookie in his mouth and takes another one out of the jar. “You can’t protect her from her own feelings.” It’s muffled, because he is speaking around a cookie. Genma walks out of the kitchen, and they hear the television blare something about UFO abductions and extraterrestrial life forms.

Raidou looks up at Kurenai, who touches her palm to his cheek. “I am in love with you,” she says. He smiles at her.

“I wasn’t questioning _that_ ,” he replies, standing up. “She’s just processing.” He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he didn’t think it would be hard. Kurenai smiles and takes his hand in hers, pressing their palms together, in a gesture of love, togetherness and most importantly, reassurance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, hurting my own feelings for entertainment. Mirai is like Yuugao, Genma and Yamato, where I feel like she steals every scene she's in. I should probably stop listening to Phoebe Bridgers while I write, but then this thing wouldn't exist the way it does.
> 
> Thank you for reading and leaving lovely comments! It always amazes me that people like this thing, and they really brighten my day and keep me going. The chapters are getting shorter, because I don't have as much to say, and it makes me a little sad, because I think, out of everything I've written, Storms is my favourite. I know the end and I am committed to it, but it will be weird to set these characters down in their little world. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this update!


	28. Humidity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melting.

“If devotion is a river than I’m floating away”

Maggie Rogers, “Love You For A Long Time”

Kurenai and Hinata sit beside each other in the waiting room of the hospital. Kurenai is reading a magazine, while Hinata stares off into the distance. Sakura said that she would have an assistant with her during Hinata’s appointment. It hadn’t mattered to Hinata before, but now she is feeling nervous. It’s only been four months, but she is protective of her baby, and each time someone outside of her immediate group of friends learns about her pregnancy she is treated to the same look. The one that makes her feel like a brood mare, a piece of livestock that is destined to carry the next generation of Uchiha. Everyone remarks on Neji, or Sasuke, or Itachi. _That will be some baby_. It makes something primal in her rise. The worst was probably when her grandfather made a petty remark about sealing her baby. Neji had stepped in front of her while Hanabi distracted her grandfather.

Her father has been surprisingly…nice about the whole thing. He wasn’t mad when he found out that she was pregnant, and each time he catches her glare at another nosey elder or rude passerby, she sees him look at her with respect. Pride, even. She has been in several clan meetings about the status of her baby, each one called by her grandfather, and each time her father refuses to consider sealing them. _The baby is an Uchiha_ , he says, _it is none of our concern_.

Game recognizes game, and it feels as if her becoming a parent has given them a way to relate to each other. When she told her father that the baby would have both the byakugan and the sharinngan, he had nodded. _I know_ , he had said. She asked him why he was being so kind to her. He gave her a sad look and replied that he wanted to know his grandchild. _It’s too late for us_ , he had said _, but I want to try_. She had smiled and sat down in his office. They had a long conversation about her mother, her childhood, their relationship. _Sasuke’s father was the same_ , she had said. Hiashi had nodded. _Sasuke reminds me of his mother_. Hinata smiled, and when she left, she gave him a sonogram picture. Hiashi had smiled, a real one, and placed it on his desk.

 _Would you like to get lunch with me next week? Sasuke took the week off so we could finish moving. I’d like you and Hanabi to come see our new place_. Hiashi nodded and said he would check his schedule.

Hinata is more nervous for this scan than she was for lunch. She is still small enough that her bump looks like bloat, but each day she becomes increasingly aware of how important this baby is to other people. It makes her nervous, to know that she is responsible for the lives of both her baby and Sasuke, and by extension, all the people who rely on the two of them. She puts her hand on her stomach and tries to conceptualize how absolutely and overwhelmingly she loves them both.

Kiba had bought her a pendant with the fang of a female bear. He told her that it would be protect her. _Bears are the best moms_ , he had said. She wears it every day, with her silver toe ring and wedding ring. Just three pieces of silver and a fang. Hinata is wearing her white shift dress, that billows around her frame. She put her hair up today. A strand of hair on each side is pulled back, braided and pinned to the back of her head.

Ino is especially happy about Hinata’s pregnancy. She and Naruto are already competing for the baby’s love, talking to Hinata’s stomach before they talk to her. Delighted to find out that Hinata had conceived the night of their dinner party, Ino has put herself in charge of Hinata’s baby shower, and she spends almost all her free time creating mood boards for the baby’s room and looking at baby names and trying to figure out the baby’s star sign. Shikamaru is sick of it. Ino told him they should fuck around and make a baby and he had apparently put his head under a pillow and groaned.

Sai, Tenten and Neji was the only ones who had a sane reaction. She and Sasuke had already decided that Tenten and Sai would be their child’s legal guardians in the event of their premature demise. Neji had smiled and said that he would help out however he could. _So many people love you baby_ , she thinks, _so many people are going to protect you_.

Hinata told Sasuke that their baby would have the sharinngan and byakugan last night. He reacted like she did. He had blinked, asked to recheck the records she had pulled. Every single child had both. Sasuke had nodded and exhaled loudly. _So_ , he had said. _So_ , was her reply. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and she told him that so far, only Kurenai and Hiashi knew. Sasuke groaned and said _there are probably more who do_. Sasuke went to take a long shower, and he stuck his face into her armpit and groaned when he finally crawled into bed. There is a considerable list of people who would want their baby if they knew it had that kind of power.

So here she is, at her four-month appointment, determined to get another sonogram picture for her father and one for Sasuke. _I’m a normal person_ , she thinks, _we are normal people who are going to have a normal baby_. Hinata taps her foot, and Kurenai looks over at her.

“Are you nervous?” she asks. Hinata sighs.

“A little,” she says. Kurenai nods.

“That’s normal,” she replies, “I was nervous too. I wanted to throw up before each appointment.” She smiles, and Hinata tries to relax. Kurenai would keep her safe. She has to remember that. She checks the time on her phone, and frowns.

“Sakura is late,” Hinata says.

“She is busy,” Kurenai replies, closing her magazine. Hinata taps the armrest of her chair.

“Sasuke is taking leave from Anbu,” Hinata says. “I’m thinking about leaving T&I.” Kurenai tucks the magazine into her purse and crosses her arms.

“Why?” she asks. Hinata bites her lip.

“It feels weird to have a baby, knowing that we both hurt other people’s babies for a living.” Hinata says. Kurenai sighs. Raidou had a similar crisis in conscious when Mirai was born.

“They aren’t babies. You two go after adults and do what you must to protect the village.” Kurenai replies. Hinata frowns.

“Everyone was once someone’s baby.” Hinata says. “Neji said that they wouldn’t fill Sasuke’s spot on the team while he is on leave.” She doesn’t know why, as an adult, she is still justifying her decisions to her former sensei, but here she is, trying to demonstrate that she and Sasuke aren’t making these decisions on a whim. “I won’t leave T&I because of Ino and Ibiki, but I won’t lie and pretend that I feel good about my job.” Kurenai sighs.

“If it weren’t for the people who get their hands dirty, none of us would know peace.” Kurenai replies. Hinata bites her lip.

“Does that not also mean that we must sacrifice our own happiness as well?” Hinata asks. Her old teacher shakes her head.

“No,” Kurenai says, “you and Sasuke don’t have to sacrifice anything to be happy. My point is that someone has to work in Anbu and T&I, and even if you both quit, your way of life will still depend on someone doing that work, whether or not it is you and Sasuke.” Hinata sighs.

“I wish the world were different.” Kurenai looks at her student and thinks of Raidou and all the guilt he carries within.

“I wish it were different, too.” Kurenai says.

A nurse comes out and calls for Hinata. The two women get up and are led to a small room. Hinata is weighed, and then she is asked to lie back on the table. She is given a blanket to drape below her belly, and she pulls her dress up. The bump is bigger each time she looks at it, and she feels horribly exposed on her back. Kurenai sits by her head and offers a reassuring smile, as the nurse goes to get Sakura.

“Excited to see your baby?” Kurenai asks. Hinata smiles.

“Always.” She smiles. Kurenai opens her mouth to reply when Sakura walks in. Behind her, a girl with red hair and glasses walks in.

Hinata immediately stiffens, and Kurenai understands. It is well-known that Karin and Sasuke travelled together, and it’s not like they stared at a wall all day. Still, Hinata never struck Kurenai as particularly jealous. Hinata glares at Karin and doesn’t respond when Sakura says hi. She waves her hand in Hinata’s face, and she recovers herself.

“Hi Sakura, Karin,” Hinata says. Her face is tight, and she looks like she has tasted something unpleasant. Sakura tilts her head, puzzled. Kurenai’s eyes flick to Karin. She looks uncomfortable. Kurenai wonders what exactly happened between Karin and Sasuke. She hadn’t heard anything bad, but on the other hand, why would she know?

Hinata touches the tooth Kiba gave her. She does not like Karin, nor does she have respect for her. Sasuke thinks of Karin fondly, but from the things she has heard about their relationship, it sounds like Karin spent most of her time forcing herself on Sasuke and denying it. Sasuke thinks most of it is funny, and Hinata doesn’t want to hurt him with the implications of a lot of Karin’s actions. And they did have consensual sex, at some point.

Sasuke once told her that Karin was fixated on his chakra. That it tasted good to her. He hadn’t said it to upset Hinata. In his mind, he was telling a funny story about a teenage girlfriend. But looking at Karin, all Hinata can think is how she had wanted to devour Sasuke. That Karin only loved him because he was an Uchiha. Sasuke doesn’t care, but that doesn’t mean Hinata has to forgive Karin. _You wanted to eat him_ , she thinks, _you would have allowed him to destroy himself—for what? Because you like power more than you like actual people._

Hinata knows that this judgment is, in many ways, unfair. Sasuke told Sakura to kill Karin; her life had been disposable to him too. But Hinata still refuses to trust Karin, and she especially doesn’t like that she is in her hospital room. Karin is a sensor, and if she makes a single remark about her baby, Hinata will send her flying. If she so much as says Sasuke’s name, it will be on. Hell, if she so much as mentions Neji or Itachi, Uchiha or Hyuuga, even the word bloodline—it will be _over_. Karin will be launched into the next life. Hinata wishes Ino were here. She would take Sakura aside and tell her that Karin couldn’t work on Hinata. It just wouldn’t do. But Kurenai doesn’t know and she would probably tell Hinata to get over it.

So, she settles for patrician indifference. Hinata looks at Sakura.

“What are we doing today?” she asks. Sakura smiles.

“Well, we are going to look at your baby, but I brought Karin in with me because I thought you would like to know a little more about your baby.” Sakura says it in a cutesy voice, like she brought in a fortune teller. Hinata blinks.

“Will Karin have to touch me?” she asks in a cold voice. Sakura tilts her head and looks at Karin.

“No,” Karin says, “I won’t have to.” Hinata nods her head.

“Good,” she says. Kurenai narrows her eyes at Hinata, before smiling at Karin.

“I’m excited to learn more,” she says to Karin. The other woman softens her posture, and steps towards Hinata. She closes her eyes, and Hinata clenches her tummy. She can’t defend her baby from this kind of test, and if Karin so much as smiles, Hinata will land a kill shot. Or at least, fantasize about it.

Sasuke said she made a dumb face when she sensed chakra she liked. Hinata knows that she had also sensed Itachi, and that she had worked with Sasuke’s Anbu team, so she probably knew Neji. Hinata was liking this less and less. She felt an irrational urge to protect Neji and Sasuke and knowing that Karin would be able to sense her baby, to pick it out of a crowd, made her tense.

Karin breathes in and focuses on the energy emanating from Hinata’s stomach. Sakura turns the machine on while Karin does her work. She frowns.

“Hinata,” she says, “I need you to relax.” Hinata swallows.

“Okay, Karin.” She replies. Karin breathes in again and holds her fingers to her lips. Hinata watches her expression, looking for one hint of hunger. Karin lowers her hands, giving Hinata a funny look.

“It feels strong,” Karin says, “overwhelming. A lot like Sasuke and Itachi and Neji.” Hinata digs her nails into her palms and sits up on her elbows. Karin eyes her. She figured Hinata wouldn’t like her, but this reaction seems to be a little much. Karin looks Hinata dead in the eye, and smirks. Hinata scowls and sits up, putting her hand over her stomach, activating her own byakugan. Karin stands her ground, and Sakura glares over at her. Kurenai eyes Hinata, before standing up and placing her hand on her shoulder.

“Karin.” Hinata growls. “Don’t you dare.” Hinata means it. She will land a kill strike for the pettiest of reasons, when it comes to Karin having Sasuke or Neji’s names in her mouth.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” Karin asks. Sakura looks between the two.

“What’s true?” Sakura asks. Karin looks at Hinata.

“Should I?” she asks. Hinata scowls, and Karin takes it as a _yes_. “Her baby is going to have the sharinngan and the byakugan.”

“Why does that matter?” Sakura asks. Hinata’s face is scrunched, and Kurenai frowns, while Karin turns to address Sakura.

“Because that means this baby is going to be a target, like Sasuke.” Karin says.

“No, they are not.” Hinata retorts. Karin blinks.

“It was the same for Itachi, and it would be for Neji if he didn’t have the seal.” Karin replies.

“This isn’t medically pertinent information.” Hinata says.

“But it is important politically.” Karin counters. Kurenai urges Hinata to lie back down, but she refuses.

“My baby isn’t a pawn,” Hinata insists, “Sasuke and I won’t let it come to that.” She has both hands on her stomach, glaring at Karin.

“You two don’t get to decide that,” Karin replies, an edge of sadness in her voice, “people want power.”

“Don’t you dare act like you didn’t want Sasuke for the same reason!” Hinata shouts. Her voice is sharp. “You are just another vulture—you are the exact kind of parasite that glommed onto him, and who knows what you would have done to Itachi and Neji. You are just like—“

“Enough!” Kurenai declares, standing between Hinata and Karin. Karin stands there, her face twisting into a pained expression. Hinata is angrier than she has ever seen her, but she closes her mouth. “Karin, thank you for telling us about the baby. I think it is time for you to leave.” Karin nods.

“ _Gladly_.” When she leaves the room, Hinata glares after her.

“She has to tell Kakashi and Shikamaru, doesn’t she?” Hinata asks. Sakura sighs, and Kurenai rubs her forehead.

“Yes.” Sakura says quietly, “when it comes to something like this, Kakashi and Shikamaru have to know.” Hinata’s eyes water, and she lies back down.

They are silent. Sakura checks the machine, and takes out the jelly, pushing Hinata’s dress up. Kurenai offers Hinata a tissue, and they both listen to her cry quietly.

“Should I call someone?” Kurenai asks. Hinata shakes her head. Sakura squeezes the jelly onto her stomach. It feels cold.

“I don’t want to worry anyone,” Hinata says. “I just…it upsets me that my baby won’t get to be a baby.” She wipes her eyes. “I love my baby, I really do, but there are times where I wonder if I am doing the right thing, staying in Konoha and raising it here. Maybe Sasuke and I should just move across the world where no one will know us.” Hinata looks up at the ceiling. Kurenai strokes her hair.

Sakura takes out the wand, and places it on Hinata’s stomach. “I’m sorry for bringing Karin in,” she says, “I thought it would be fun.”

“People were going to know,” Hinata said, “I just get angry when I see her.”

“Why?” Sakura asks. Hinata wiggles, uncomfortable.

“I don’t like how she talks about Sasuke,” Hinata replies, “she talks about him like he is a thing, and she likes power too much. I can tell.” Sakura nods.

“Okay,” she sighs, “I’ll keep that in mind. I don’t think you have anything to worry about; she isn’t interested in him.” Hinata crosses her arms.

“She never was,” she says, “not as a person.”

Sakura hums, moving the wand, and a big heartbeat becomes audible. Kurenai smiles at Hinata, who beams.

“That’s your baby,” she points to a big-headed alien on the monitor. Hinata looks up at Kurenai.

“That’s my baby,” she says quietly. Kurenai smiles.

“That’s your baby,” she replies. They both look back at the screen, watching the little creature float around. Sakura looks at the monitor, and smiles.

“Do you want to know whether it is a boy or a girl?” she asks. Hinata blinks.

“You can tell?” she asks. Sakura nods. Hinata looks to Kurenai for advice, but her teacher shrugs.

“You have to decide if you want to know.” Kurenai says.

Hinata bites her lip, before deciding. “I want to know,” she says softly. “Ino’s mood boards are getting out of control.” Every day, Ino comes by with a new idea, or with a measuring tape, or a few paint colors. Hiashi will want to know too. Most importantly, Hinata wants to know. Sakura smiles gently.

“You are going to have a boy.” She says in a soft voice. “He is the size of an apple.”

“An apple?” Hinata replies, putting a hand over her mouth.

“A little boy the size of an apple,” Sakura smiles. “I’ll print a picture for Sasuke too.”

“And one for my dad, please.” Hinata says in a small voice. Sakura smiles.

“And one for your dad.”

She hits the print button, while Kurenai watches Hinata stare at the screen. Kurenai smiles. It means a lot, that she gets to watch her student become a mother. It feels even better to know that people get it right and end up where they were meant to be.

**

Mirai slurps when she eats. Raidou isn’t sure who taught her that, since it isn’t a tiny slurp, but rather, a big dramatic one. It is the kind of petty thing Genma would do, or maybe Kakashi. It definitely wasn’t Guy, who has very good table manners, or Aoba, who is just a neat eater. Yamato has no reason to do it, but for all Raidou knows, it could have just been something Mirai watched. _Kids pick up the strangest things_ , he thinks.

Raidou shovels some noodles into his mouth, and Mirai slurps up another noodle. She eats slowly, slurping only a few noodles at a time. She methodically and decisively slurps, when everyone else does it by accident. Raidou could ask, but it is none of his business.

“Raidou,” Mirai says, “what was my dad like?” Raidou paused, chewing his noodles. This isn’t a weird question from her. She asks about Asuma frequently.

“He was kind, honorable. A little serious when he was younger. We were on the same team, with your mom. I liked him.” Raidou pauses, “he was a good guy.” None of these are lies. They simply don’t tell the whole truth. Mirai nods the way Raidou does when he thinks about his next question.

“What about you and my mom?”

“Your mom and I?” he asks. Mirai nods.

“What were you two like?” she asks.

“I frowned all the time, even more than now,” he says, and Mirai laughs. Raidou smiles, “your mom was happy. The two of us were together all the time.”

Mirai nods again, and Raidou puts an egg in his mouth. She pushes her egg around in her broth. There are times when Raidou forgets that she will be ten years old in a few months. She is a whole person, and soon she will be sent on missions. She has picked up his kenjutsu fast, quicker than he did. She is going to be exceptional. He has no doubt about it.

“Did my parents love each other?” she asks. Raidou smiles.

“Very much.”

“How do you know?” she asks.

“My mom always said that all babies, no matter the circumstances, come out of love.” Raidou puts some noodles in his mouth.

“Really?” Mirai asks. Raidou nods.

“Moms never lie about that kind of thing,” he says. Mirai slurps back another noodle.

“Even my mom?” Mirai asks. She has caught her mother in several lies: that the burner is a monster, that fairies live in their garden. That kind of thing.

“She only lies about the little things,” he replies, “never the big things.”

“Even though I’m a kid?”

“Especially because you are a kid.” Raidou picks up his drink and sips. Mirai smiles, because they were both there when Genma told Kurenai to stop lying about the burner being a monster. She starts giggling, and Raidou smiles when it becomes laughter.

**

Hinata invited Kurenai to her house for lunch. Kurenai looks around the small, blue kitchen. There is a large clock on the wall, and it is very clean. Hinata looks through the fridge, picking out some of the rice balls she made yesterday. The kettle is on, and Kurenai can’t help but think about how womanly Hinata looks.

Now that time had passed, Hinata feels guilty for how she spoke to Karin. She shouldn’t have been that rude. Karin was just trying to be helpful, in her own way. Hinata puts the food on a plate and pours some hot water into two cups of tea. She places them on the table in front of Kurenai.

“Here,” she says, “help yourself.” Hinata frowns. Kurenai looks up at her, giving her a knowing look.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty.” Kurenai says, “Karin knows that you didn’t mean it.” Hinata sits down and picks up a rice ball.

“I did,” she replies, “I meant it all. Karin is a vulture. Not as bad as Orochimaru, but she was his follower.” She frowns, “I want to protect them from people like her. It’s frustrating to know I can’t.” Hinata puts the rice ball into her mouth. She doesn’t need to elaborate on who _they_ are. Two full grown men and a dead person, and a baby who will grow up into a man too.

“That’s normal,” Kurenai replies. After Asuma died, she wanted Raidou in her sights at all times.

They eat in silence, and neither jumps when Ino comes bouncing through the door. She carries an obnoxiously large tote bag and throws it on the ground as she takes her shoes off.

“Hinata! Kurenai-sensei!” She trills, skipping over. Hinata lifts the plate and Ino takes a rice ball. Kurenai smiles.

“Ino,” she says softly. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Ino replies, “Ibiki and I made another mood board today.” She sits down beside Hinata and puts both hands on the table.

“So, Hinata,” Ino puts her face into her friend’s face, “how was it?” she blinks into her friend’s eyes. Hinata smiles.

“It’s a boy the size of an apple.” Hinata smiles. Ino shrieks, making the two women wince.

“A _boy_!” Ino says, shaking Hinata’s arm. “Have you told Sasuke yet?”

“Nope,” Hinata replies, “you know this first.” Ino smiles, picking up another rice ball.

“That’s so exciting,” Ino says. “Anything else?” Hinata frowns.

“Karin was there,” she replies, “Sakura brought her in to check out the baby’s chakra.” Ino makes a face.

“Why would she do that?” Ino asks, “Neji can just look at it with the byakugan.”

“She’s different,” Hinata replies, “she can taste it down to the individual, and sense the abilities of others. She knows that the sharinngan and byakugan feel like.” She rubs her stomach. “Ino, the baby is going to have both. Sasuke and I knew before, but Karin found out and has to tell Kakashi and Shikamaru.” Ino’s face twists.

“No, she doesn’t!” She crows, “where is she?” Ino gets up, but Hinata grabs her arm.

“The baby will be a security risk until it can defend itself,” Hinata says softly, “they need to know.” Ino frowns.

“That doesn’t make what she did right,” she replies. Hinata nods.

“I wanted to stop her heart as soon as she walked in. She said the baby was like Sasuke, Neji and Itachi even, and I wanted to kill her just for having their names in her mouth.” Hinata sighs, “I called her a power-hungry vulture.”

“You’re not wrong,” Ino replies, getting up to go to the fridge. A moment of silence falls over them, and Kurenai taps the table with the pads of her fingers.

Ino pulls the orange juice out of the fridge. Sasuke and Hinata don’t drink it. It is just for Ino. She pours herself a glass, humming. “Shikamaru still says no to having a baby.”

“Did you tell him that our babies would be born in the same year?” Hinata asks. Ino nods.

“That’s what I keep saying to him!” Ino says, “he keeps saying that he will consider it when I don’t sound like I want one just because of you.” Hinata rolls her eyes.

“It’s because he doesn’t spend all day with you,” she says. She turns to Kurenai, “Ino really wants Shikamaru’s baby.”

“Desperately,” Ino says, sipping her orange juice and sitting at the table. Kurenai smiles.

“If Asuma could get into having a baby, Shikamaru can.” She says. Asuma had flipped from indifference to excitement in a minute. It had been amazing to watch, really.

“I told him that, too!” Ino whines. Hinata sighs, standing up to walk over to her purse. She pulls out the sonogram, and hands it to Ino.

“Send him a picture.” She says. Ino and Kurenai blink. Hinata crosses her arms. “Send Shikamaru a picture of the baby.”

“Sasuke hasn’t even seen it,” Ino says. Hinata smiles.

“Sasuke made it,” she says, “he is going to see it all the time. Maybe Shikamaru will change his mind if you emphasize what a miracle life is.” Ino pulls out her phone and does as Hinata says. Kurenai tilts her head. _All this fuss over a baby that doesn’t exist yet_. Boggles the mind, really. She and Asuma were the only ones to have a baby, in their generation. Raidou, Genma and Kakashi are invested in Mirai. Kurenai supposes that Ibiki sees Ino and Hinata as his kids.

“What will Ibiki do without you two?” Kurenai asks. Hinata looks to Ino, who answers for the two of them.

“Appreciate us more,” Ino replies.

Another set of footsteps comes down the hall, and they both hear the door open. Sasuke kicks off his sandals and pads into the kitchen. He smiles at Kurenai and Hinata, even Ino. Kurenai looks at the way the corners of his eyes soften when he sees Hinata, and his whole body relaxes.

“How was your appointment?” he picks an apple out of the fruit bowl. Hinata holds up the picture, and he takes it from her hand. He smiles.

“It kind of looks like a baby now.” He says, biting into his apple.

“He is the size of an apple,” she smiles. Sasuke pauses, swallowing.

“He.” Sasuke says it dumbly. Hinata smiles and nods. The thing about spending time with Sasuke and Hinata is that you get a sense of what it means to be around people who really love each other. It’s like they always orbit the other, and even when they are across the room, you can tell that they are paying attention to each other.

Not to be outdone, Ino smirks and crosses her arms. “He is the size of an apple,” she says, pointing at the apple in Sasuke’s hand. “You know that is kind of like cannibalism, right?” Sasuke frowns at her.

“No, it isn’t,” he replies, “don’t you have someone else to harass?” Hinata sighs.

“Do you two have to antagonize each other all the time?” she rubs her eyes. Before either can respond, Kurenai speaks up.

“I think you two should avoid stressing Hinata out,” she says, “it’s not good for Hinata or the baby.” Ino and Sasuke eye each other, and he looks away first.

“Okay,” he says softly. Hinata smiles at him, and he returns it. “What else did I miss?” he asks. Hinata and Kurenai look at each other, and he frowns. “Did something happen?”

“Karin was there,” Hinata says softly.

“Oh, how is she?” Sasuke takes another bite of apple. Hinata frowns.

“Fine.” She says in an angry voice. Sasuke tilts his head.

“You need to lie better.” He says.

“She said your name, so I called her a power-hungry vulture.” Hinata says. Sasuke frowns.

“She’s not that bad,” he replies. Hinata crosses her arms, and Ino and Kurenai look at each other. They have never seen Hinata and Sasuke disagree. They didn’t even know if it was possible.

Hinata gives Sasuke a hard look. “She would have eaten you, you know that, right?” Hinata asks. Sasuke shrugs.

“She didn’t.” He says, “did she say something to you?”

“She knows about the baby’s abilities,” Hinata says softly, “she knows what the three of you feel like. That’s what she said.” They look at each other from across the room. “She has to tell Kakashi and Shikamaru.” Sasuke frowns.

“It is none of their business.” He replies. Hinata’s mouth twitches.

“It is,” she says, “it’s just us. We don’t have a big clan.” Sasuke, not for the first time in his life, feels powerless while other people make decisions for him. He nods.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Hinata says. Sasuke walks over to her, and Hinata stands up and reaches out for him.

They are one of those couples where watching them hug sometimes feels like you are seeing something you shouldn’t. Kurenai looks at Ino, who feels the same way. They talk about Ino’s mood boards while Sasuke murmurs into the side of Hinata’s head, too quiet for them to hear.

Kurenai wonders if she and Raidou were that way. Sasuke sometimes reminds her of him. They have a similar way of trudging through life, and while Sasuke is a lot less duty bound, he shares the same softness. For people who were incredibly violent, they both had a tenderness to them that only came out sometimes. Kurenai wonders, if she had been pregnant all those years ago, would they have had that baby? Would Raidou come home and hold her like that, his body blocking everyone out?

Sasuke pulls away from Hinata, and says he has to get back to work. Hinata gives him the sonogram picture, and he tucks it into his pocket. They smile at each other one last time, and in that moment, Kurenai can see how much they love each other. Almost like it seeps out of them, getting on everything.

Hinata watches him put on his sandals, and as he closes the door, Kurenai feels her heart tighten in her chest for Hinata. She cannot count the times that she has watched Raidou put on his sandals and want to reach out and touch him again, even though it was an irrational impulse. He always came home, even after the worst. But that doesn’t mean that the worst couldn’t one day get him.

Kurenai chews the inside of her cheek and makes an excuse to leave shortly after.

**

When Kurenai comes home, she hears Raidou in the kitchen. She knows the way he moves through the world, the way it sounds when he is cutting up food. She takes her sandals off and walks into the kitchen. Raidou stands over the counter, eating an apple. He smiles, holding out a slice to her.

Mirai is at a friend’s house. Raidou took her there after lunch. Kurenai shakes her head at his offering, and instead stands behind him. She puts her hand on his waist and kisses his shoulder. The longer they do this, the more she realizes how much she wants him, how much she has always wanted him. Raidou hums, eating his apple.

“I saw Hinata and Sasuke today,” she says quietly, “they love each other so much.” He hears him swallow the food in his mouth.

“I would hope so.” He replies. Kurenai presses herself to his back.

“I wouldn’t think it possible to love that much if I didn’t know you.” She replies, looking up at the side of his face. Raidou snorts, looking over his shoulder at her.

“You don’t mean that,” he says softly. Kurenai frowns.

“I do, Raidou.” She replies, “I love you, and I always have.” Raidou blinks.

“That’s feels like a line.”

“It’s not a line,” she says softly. He knows, in his heart, that she is finally telling the truth.

“Seriously?” he asks.

“So seriously.” She wraps both her hands around his waist.

“How seriously?” he wants her to say it. She needs to say it to him.

“Only you and I.” She murmurs, “no one else. I’m your partner, and you are mine. I am only yours.” She hugs him tight. Raidou looks at the apple slices on the table, browning in front of him. He has waited a long time for this day to come, and he had more or less given up hope on it. They are dating, and sleeping beside each other, and it has always been exclusive. But they never really put it into words.

“Partner.” He says.

“We’re too old and we have known each other too long for something cutesy like boyfriend and girlfriend.” She says. Raidou nods, and she presses her lips together. “So, we can try?” she says softly.

“We can try,” he says.

**

Raidou leans over Kurenai, and she thinks of how long their bodies have known each other. Twenty-four years. Raidou has wrinkles around his eyes, and there is grey in his hair. Kurenai runs her hands through his hair, looking up at him. He opens his mouth to speak but she kisses him first, and it’s like no time has passed, none at all.

She welcomes him home, and when he thrusts, she meets him each time, wrapping around him. In their middle age, it’s softer, more enjoyable. Gone are the days of uncertainty, of the intense soul love that compelled them to collide with such violence that they nearly destroyed each other’s lives. They don’t need to go hard to prove that their love runs deep, deeper than the soul to the place where souls are born.

When it’s done and he withdraws, he lies next to her and kisses her shoulder. “How long have you wanted to be my partner?” he asks. Kurenai smiles.

“Since before I dared you to run me over with your car.” She rolls over to lie on top of him, and she kisses his chin.

“God, that was so long ago.”

“Just under a quarter of a century,” Kurenai hums. “I’m sorry it took so long.” He shakes his head.

“I told you to go.” He says, “I never would have known Yuugao, and Mirai wouldn’t have been born if I didn’t tell you. I don’t regret our time apart.” He traces an infinity symbol on her lower back. Kurenai kisses his jaw.

She doesn’t think she can ever make it up to him, but for Raidou, there is no score to settle. They were both wrong, and they both paid for it. But Asuma and Yuugao weren’t mistakes; they were important. In all the women Raidou has been with, he has only known peace in two, and Kurenai is still the only one who truly feels like the place he belongs.

Raidou has felt grief, anger and resentment, but age has tempered him. He is humble. He can see how his relationship with Kurenai, in all its forms, was a direct result of his actions. He shares the blame, and thus, he shares the guilt. But loving her isn’t a crime. There is no shame or guilt in lying next to her now. It is love, undifferentiated and whole.

“I’m sorry too,” he says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t ready sooner, but I can’t turn back time.”

“I wouldn’t want you to,” she says quietly.

And that is all.

**

The baby shower is small, smaller than Ino would have liked. Hinata never wanted it to be big in the first place, so Shikamaru’s gift was making sure everyone without an inside voice were sent out on long missions. Shino and Chouji were dealing with clan business. Tenten took the day off, but that meant the rest of her team had to make up for it.

Ibiki had dropped off his present last night. A portable television, so she can keep up with the weird alien shows they watch at work. She had given him a hug, which Ibiki had stiffly returned. Then, Sai, Neji and Sasuke walked in, carrying a big frame. Sai had painted their baby a big tiger for his room. Neji and Sasuke grumbled about the weight of the frame while Sai helped Hinata find the right place for it. They all helped hang it up and everything.

Those two gifts were honest and heartfelt. They made her feel the way gifts should make you feel. Warm and melty. Everything else makes her panic. Her baby is fluttering around her stomach, which doesn’t help.

In all honesty, the big stack of presents on the coffee table make her feel nauseous and overwhelmed. Only Kurenai knows what a baby needs. Hinata looks around the room. Hanabi and Tenten were chatting in the corner, and Sakura and Ino are talking in the kitchen while they make lunch. Kurenai is beside Hinata, sipping a mug of tea.

“Those are a lot of gifts.” Hinata says quietly, “but I am still afraid that it won’t be enough.” Kurenai nods.

“You look afraid.” She replies. Hinata smiles.

“I wish our moms were here. Or at least my mom,” Hinata looks down. She feels guilty for what she is about to say next. “Sakura and Ino told me I could borrow their moms, but it isn’t the same.” Kurenai puts an arm around her.

“It’s hard, becoming a mom without your own to help.” Kurenai did the same thing.

“How did you do it?” Hinata asks. Kurenai shrugged.

“I still had a family,” she says. “That’s all you really need.”

“A family,” Hinata says quietly. Kurenai nods, sipping her drink.

Ino calls Hinata over to the table, and Kurenai puts her hand on her student’s back as Hinata steps forward.

**

Something Kurenai has thought a lot about, recently, is guilt. Part of it is because Mirai has asked so many questions about Raidou and Asuma. Kurenai wishes she hadn’t cheated on Asuma, because he and Yuugao didn’t deserve it. However, her understanding of it has always been intellectual. She has never really tried to empathize with them before.

She’s glad they never found out. She doesn’t really think Asuma or Yuugao are the type to leave, but she can’t imagine that they would be entirely happy after, even if they ‘healed’ their relationships. Raidou felt guilty right away. It didn’t stop him, but he didn’t take years to empathize. Kurenai, not for the first time, wonders if something is wrong with her.

Raidou rolls over in bed, and watches Kurenai stare at the ceiling. She is pouting, and her eyebrows are furrowed. He gets up on his elbow and puts a hand on her stomach. Kurenai looks up at him, her features softening.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks.

“Guilt.” She replies in a soft voice. Raidou’s tummy tightens, and he swallows.

“Why?”

“I’m thinking about when we cheated.” She takes hold of his hand on her tummy. “We were real assholes.”

“Yes,” Raidou says, “we were.” Asshole is too nice a word for what they were.

“I only just started thinking about it, because of all of Mirai’s questions.” Kurenai bites her lip, thinking about how she has to look her daughter in the eye and act like she was always faithful to Asuma, that he had always been the person she wanted.

“You only feel guilty now?” he asks, a little incredulous.

“I knew, intellectually, that it was bad. I just didn’t really understand…” she trails off.

“The word you’re looking for is empathize.” Raidou says.

“I didn’t empathize with how Asuma or Yuugao would have felt.” Kurenai turns to him. “How do you live with it?”

“The unforgiveable?” Raidou asks. Kurenai nods, not agreeing that cheating is unforgiveable, but she supposes that she is biased. Raidou sighs, big, and rolls onto his back, taking his hand from hers. “I have excuses. We were in love; it wasn’t random, or with someone I didn’t care about. I didn’t do it because of Yuugao. I don’t know about you and Asuma, but Yuugao was…perfect for me, and who I was at the time. My feelings for you were always separate from her. If asked why, I’d say that it’s because I was in love with you and didn’t know how to tell you that I wanted to be with you instead. Getting with Yuugao felt like an accident; I never intended for things to be serious, the way they ended up being. When I acted on how I felt, I was only thinking about myself and how badly I wanted to be with you.” Raidou looks away from her, up at the ceiling. “I feel very guilty, because I never stopped to consider that you were in love with Asuma, and I never stopped you or told you what we both knew, which was that while the sex was good, it would feel terrible after. I knew it would hurt Asuma and Yuugao, and their ability to trust, but that didn’t matter, at the time. I don’t know how I live with it. I just do. I will never do something like that again, but that’s not really satisfying. I guess living with the unforgiveable is just accepting that you really are the kind of person who could do a cruel thing just because it’s fun for you.” He turns to look at her. “That’s not a satisfying answer, I know.”

“It’s a good answer,” she says, “when it was happening, I wanted, more than anything, for you to take me away.” She pauses. “I would have left Asuma, if you asked. I was that in love with you.” Kurenai rolls onto her side, looking into Raidou’s eyes. “I’m glad you never asked. Asuma was really a better fit. I feel very bad for taking him for granted.” All that time she spent keeping Raidou in her orbit, that could have been given to Asuma. He smiles softly.

“I understand.” He doesn’t say this, but he is glad that he never asked as well. It wouldn’t have been worth it.

**

Yuugao squints at a travel book, while Yamato is dealing with the rice. Kakashi is spending another late night in the office, so Yamato came over to keep Yuugao company. They are planning their trip to Paris, which Kakashi is happy not to be a part of. He likes staying at home and he hates flying.

“Did you know that they eat land snails in France?” she says, “it’s a delicacy there.”

“Land snails.”

“Like the kind you find in a garden.” Yuugao hums, “we should try it while we’re there.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he replies. “I want to see Versailles.”

“It has a well-kept garden,” Yuugao flips to the page in the book about Versailles. “We should read up on the French Revolution.”

“Oh?” Yamato says.

“We’ll be able to appreciate the culture better,” Yuugao says, “and you know, we’ll know more about the history of human rights in the West.”

“I just want to get drunk, eat rich food and look at pretty buildings,” Yamato says, “I really don’t need to get a history lesson to do any of those things.” Yuugao smiles at the side of his face. He is busy concentrating on the rice, so he doesn’t see how she looks at him adoringly. She is so, so happy to be his friend.

“I think the history lesson could be fun,” she says, “we could make flash cards.”

“You never let me have a moment to rest,” he says, “we’re always cooking, or walking, or talking, or crafting—”

“But we’re always laughing!” Yuugao hits an invisible set of drums. Yamato rolls his eyes.

“And laughing.” He replies, “although, not always very hard.”

“Our humor is subtle,” she says. Yamato smiles at her.

“The subtlest.”

“So subtle, it almost isn’t funny, how funny we are,” she replies. Yamato nods gravely.

“The funniest things aren’t funny at all.” He believes this, whole-heartedly. “Like how Kakashi is going to kill all of your plants.” Yuugao frowns.

“I’ll tell him to let Raidou come check on them.” She thinks of her conversation with Raidou at the restaurant, “Mirai took the hoya.”

“You mentioned that,” Yamato says. Her eyes always glaze over when she talks about Mirai and Raidou.

“It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.” She says, “I’m trying to be better.”

“It’s been nine years,” Yamato says, “almost ten.” He states this as a simple fact, but Yuugao interprets it as a judgment.

“I know,” she says. “But there are times where I really think about it, in all its _it-ness_ , and it feels like I am never going to live with it, and that the only way to relieve the pain is to stab myself in the guts or something.” She sighs, “I want to find a way to live with it, because I have to, but I don’t know how.” She crosses her arms and looks away from him.

“You already are, Yuugao,” he says, “you are living with it every day. Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve lived with what happened for nearly ten years. You’re allowed to be upset and have your feelings.” He pauses. “I just think you’d be happier if you stopped thinking about Raidou and Mirai so much. But I know it’s not that easy.” He, after all, never wanted children.

“Thanks,” she says, “I think I would rather talk about Paris, if that’s alright.” Yamato smiles at her.

“Should we buy berets and stripe-y tops?”

“We can wear silk scarves around our necks!” She says, recovering her enthusiasm. Yamato smiles, before turning back to dinner.

 _We can and we will_.

**

Raidou cusses under his breath, his head under the sink, dealing with another leak only he notices. Genma and Mirai are seated at the kitchen table. He is snacking on chips, while she has her coloring book in front of her. Every so often, he offers her the bag, and she takes some chips. Right now, they are both watching Raidou cuss out the sink.

“Language,” Genma drawls. “There is a child present.”

“Mirai had to learn some time,” Raidou mutters.

“Did you hear that?” Genma says, “Raidou says you can swear whenever you want.”

“No, he didn’t,” Mirai says, “Raidou, I would never!”

“That’s my girl!” He calls from under the sink, leaning forward, his knees to the ground.

“You are such a suck up.” Genma pops a chip into his mouth. Mirai opens her mouth to respond when Kurenai walks in, wearing a robe, her hair wet. She came home from a mission earlier that morning and has spent most of the day sleeping. She just showered and decided that she should probably eat something.

She blinks when she sees Raidou under the sink. “Raidou, what are you doing?”

“Teaching Mirai foul language and fucking up the sink.” Genma says. Mirai puffs her cheeks.

“Genma just swore!” She says, looking at Kurenai.

“You are just like your mother,” Genma clucks, “giving Raidou a free pass, while _I_ must meet an arbitrary and unattainable standard.” He holds his hand to his chest, as if he were being persecuted.

“Stop complaining,” Kurenai says, brushing him off. Mirai gives Genma an evil look, reaching for the bag of chips. He snatches them away, as she frowns.

Kurenai touches her hand to Raidou’s back, and he pulls out from under the sink, so he now just kneels before it. He blinks up at her, and she can see the deranged twinkle in his eye, that only comes out when he is dealing with an appliance. She has spent a lot of time weathering his impulse to fix things. It is much more demanding than one would think.

“It’s alright, Raidou,” she murmurs, “it will be fine.”

“It will?” he asks, a little dazed from arguing with an inanimate object. Kurenai smiles.

“Of course. You’re going to be around to deal with it when it really acts up, right?” she asks. Raidou sets his wrench down and cups the back of her bare knee.

“Always,” he says. Forgetting Mirai and Genma are there, Kurenai puts a hand on Raidou’s cheek and kisses his forehead. He closes his eyes and sighs.

Mirai has seen Raidou and Kurenai kiss, usually before one of them leaves. It’s usually very perfunctory, like a handshake. This is the first time she has seen them really look in love. It makes her feel happy. It’s been a confusing transition, and while she hasn’t always understood or been entirely on board, it is nice to see her mom being loved and loving in turn.

Genma feels much the same, although, he really could have lived without seeing Raidou giving it to Kurenai over the kitchen counter. He makes a gagging noise, and Mirai giggles.

“Ick,” she says, loudly.

Raidou turns to look over his shoulder and sticks his tongue out. Kurenai kisses his hairline over and over, just to emphasize how in love she is with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I woke up this morning, dazed, because I'm waiting for the latest thesis draft to come back and there is nothing pressing at work, and discovered that pretty much all of this chapter was written, except for the last three scenes. I'm going to come back fix errors, eventually, but I thought it'd be nice to update early. I want to finish this for Christmas (that's my goal, my dream). It's been very nice writing about Kurenai and Raidou just being with each other. It's an emotional relief. 
> 
> There are, really, only four chapters left, and then some dumb, bonus material that is just two ideas that I ultimately discarded, but are both dramatic and I figured would entertain. Thanks for reading! I love to read your comments and they keep me motivated, clearly.


	29. A Star Bursts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bursting, overflowing.

胸がはち切れそうで

“[Mune ga hachikire-sōde](https://genius.com/8113569/Mitski-first-love-late-spring/Mune-ga-hachikire-sode)”

_Translation: “my heart seems to burst” or “my chest is about to burst”_

_Mitski, “First Love/Late Spring”_

Mirai breaks her stance and the illusion dissipates. Kurenai crosses her arms, proud of her daughter. She picks things up quickly, something both Raidou and Shikamaru have mentioned. _You really are a perfect student_. Mirai beams up at Kurenai.

“Did I get it?” she asks. Kurenai nods.

“You absolutely did.” She replies, “You can try using it on Raidou during your next lesson.” The look on his face will be priceless. Mirai shifts around, looking troubled. Kurenai kneels down in front of her daughter, concerned. “Mirai?”

“I know he isn’t my dad, and you two are in love,” Mirai says, not looking at Kurenai. “Are you two going to get married and have a baby?” Kurenai’s mouth falls open, as Mirai looks at her intently. She’s not jealous, just curious, since that’s what two people who are in love do, right? They get married and have a baby.

Kurenai isn’t sure how to answer the question. Raidou doesn’t want to get married or have a baby, two things that Kurenai isn’t opposed to doing. For all the flak she gets for being self-centred, someone should point out to Raidou just how stubborn he is. But she already did those with the person she wanted to be with, whereas Raidou didn’t get that chance.

“No,” Kurenai says, “I don’t think we will do either of those things.”

“Why?” Mirai asks. _Because of Yuugao and your father._ Just because they weren’t soulmates doesn’t mean those relationships were of no consequence.

“Well,” Kurenai says, “I’ve already been married, and Raidou was in a relationship where he was going to have kids. Things didn’t work out the way we had planned, and we both learned that those kinds of things aren’t essential to us being happy together. We both absolutely love you, and we love each other, and we are happy where we are. We have more than we ever wanted.” Kurenai takes Mirai’s hands in hers, squeezing them.

“Raidou says he isn’t my dad.” Mirai replies. It’s hard to tell whether she is merely stating a fact or trying to hide how hurt she is. It’s not that she wants a new dad, so much as she wants to know the Raidou loves her like a father.

“He loves you a lot,” she says, “he teaches you everything he knows, and he walks you everywhere you need to be, and he is always where he says he will be.”

“But that doesn’t make him a dad,” she says.

“Raidou loves you even more, you want to know why?” Kurenai asks. “Because he’s your own Raidou, and you’re his own Mirai. No one else will ever have that kind of bond.” She pauses. “I know that may not be the answer you want to hear, but it’s the one you got.” Mirai nods.

“Okay,” she says.

“Do you want to get lunch?” Kurenai asks. Mirai nods, a big smile on her face.

**

Raidou frowns at the different washing machines on display, comparing the pros and cons lists he made for each model he is considering. Genma is chewing a senbon, looking off into space, while Aoba is texting Anko. Raidou takes a second to frown at both of them, while they both blink at him lazily.

“We have got to find the best one,” Raidou says, “can you two at least look like you want to help?”

“Why do you want to replace the washing machine?” Genma asks, “it works fine.”

“Because I know I can find a more efficient machine that will save on money and power,” Raidou shakes his head, “honestly, the one we have is as old as Kurenai.”

“She’s old but she’s not ancient,” Genma replies. Raidou frowns at him.

“You’re the same age as her.” Raidou says.

“There is a whole month between us,” Genma says. Raidou sighs, like, _whatever_ , and returns to his list.

“Aoba,” Genma says, “do you think this is what happens when you get into a serious relationship?”

“I have never wanted to go appliance shopping,” Aoba replies. Raidou glares at both of them, and they each shrug with indifference.

“You are both useless,” Raidou says.

_Duh._

**

Hinata pulls her hair into a ponytail, while Kurenai eyes her stomach. Some months have passed, and her belly is now prominent. She wears a lot of baggy dresses, like Kurenai did. Today, she wears a lavender one, her feet bare. She can’t wear her toe ring anymore, so she keeps it on the necklace Kiba gave her. Kurenai asked her why. Hinata replied that it was the first present Sasuke gave her.

Kurenai sits at the table, watching Hinata pour hot water into two teacups. “I’m a little sad that my pregnancy will be over soon.” She says, setting the kettle down and picking up the two cups. “It’s weird to think that he won’t be a part of me anymore.”

“Your baby is always a part of you,” Kurenai says, “Mirai is like my whole heart and at least half a lung.” Hinata smiles at the joke, setting a cup down in front of Kurenai before sitting down.

“He moves around a lot, too.” Hinata puts her arms on the table, leaving forward, “he’s probably going to run around everywhere.”

“Well, he’ll have lots of places to go,” Kurenai smiles. Hinata nods.

“It’s scary,” she says, “I mean, I have Sasuke and my dad tries, but they don’t really know how it feels.” Becoming someone’s mother is terrifying. She feels like she is being cut open, like her vital organs will now forever be outside of her body. Her baby is more important than any part of her or Sasuke’s bodies. _It’s going to be like our hearts are outside of of us_ , she said to him.

“People without uteruses don’t get it,” Kurenai says, “it’s not something they are socialized to think about.”

“I mean, I felt this little baby immediately, like, in my soul,” Hinata says. Her lip twitches when she thinks about the implication of her words. “I’m sorry, that’s probably too much information.”

“Hinata,” Kurenai says, “I know where babies come from.”

“The stork was pretty nice about the whole thing,” Hinata sips her tea as Kurenai snorts.

“Making the baby is the fun part,” Kurenai says, “the rest is terrifying.” It’s less scary, the older Mirai becomes, but she would be lying if she said that she never worried. Kurenai just has Raidou’s neuroses to contain instead.

“How did you do it? Without your mother or Asuma?” Hinata asks. This question comes up frequently, and Kurenai finds different ways to say the same thing.

“Well, Genma wouldn’t let me stay on the bathroom floor forever.” She hums, “and eventually, I just picked myself up, looked around, and realized that I’m the adult.” Kurenai continues, “I had a lot of people who love me, who helped me out. It was never just my mom or Asuma.” Raidou would always have been there. Hinata nods.

“You know, I’m always a little scared when Sasuke goes on his missions.” She says, “he is used to surviving the impossible but there is always a chance that he won’t.” Hinata looks down at the table. His paternity leave can’t come soon enough. “I’m sorry for bringing this up.” Kurenai sighs.

“Everyone is always nervous to bring up Asuma or widowhood, like they aren’t a part of my life.” She rests her chin on her fist. “Asuma wasn’t supposed to die. For the first year or two, I was very angry that he died. Like, I would blame him for me being alone. I blamed Raidou for not saving him, for surviving. The worst came, and neither of them were able to stop it, and I had to live with it.” Kurenai says.

“How do you live with it?” Hinata asks in a small voice. “How do you live with the worst?” She is convinced that her heart would stop in her chest, should something happen to Sasuke. Ino would have to live with her full-time, and nurse her like she is shell-shocked soldier. Sai and Tenten would have to raise their baby.

“You just do.” There is nothing to do but live with it. “Asuma would never want me to suffer or be alone. But I was very angry, very resentful, for a long time.” Kurenai taps the table with her fingers, “it was easier to be angry with him than it was to admit that he was gone. I was afraid that if I stopped resenting him, that I would forget about him, or that if I were happy with Raidou, that I would be disrespecting him. But I think it’s more disrespectful to his memory to be unhappy.”

Hinata frowns. “Sasuke is pettier than Asuma.” Kurenai laughs out loud, and Hinata smiles.

“There is no way he would want to watch you suffer.” She replies, “absolutely no way.”

“Well,” Hinata says, “I’m petty. I feel a little bad for how I treated Karin.” Not enough to be sorry, but enough to regret speaking so rudely. Kurenai nods.

“You were quite rude,” she says.

“I just…I look at her, and I see someone who would have been okay with Sasuke being a monster.” Hinata sighs. “I love him, in an absolute, total sense, but I would never forgive him if he reverted to who he was.” She will always love him, but she doesn’t think she could ever look at him again.

“He chose to be that way,” Kurenai says, “you shouldn’t blame her for his decisions.”

“She wanted to eat him,” Hinata said, “and it made my skin crawl, to hear her say my baby is similar. Like there were a million insects under my skin.” Kurenai knows the feeling.

“You will find it easier if you let go of your resentment.” She replies, “just stop feeding it. Starve it out.” Kurenai sips her tea. “It’s how I live with what happened to Asuma.”

“You really did that?” Hinata asks. Kurenai nods.

“I haven’t felt any real resentment in a very long time.” Kurenai says, “it’s the best way to honor his memory.”

“You make it sound easy.”

“It is necessary to my survival,” Kurenai says, “and I had to, for Mirai and Raidou and Genma.” They may be full grown men, but they are her family. “I have people who rely on me to be okay.”

“And that’s all it takes?”

“Yes,” Kurenai says, “as long as there are people who rely on you, you can survive the worst.”

**

Resentment is an emotion that Kurenai hasn’t felt in years. Motherhood leaves her with no time to be angry or hurt. There’s no point in wishing things were different. Kurenai opens the front door and takes note of Raidou’s shoes in the hallway. Mirai is out with her friends, Genma is at work. She slips her shoes off and puts them up on the shoe rack Raidou built with Mirai last summer. She could wish for things to be different, but that would also mean that she wouldn’t have seen the proud look on Raidou’s face when Mirai wielded a hammer for the first time.

Kurenai sets her purse down and smiles to herself when she hears grunting coming from the basement. The light is on and as she peers down the stairs, she can see the washing machine sitting, unplugged, in the hallway. _This has Raidou written all over it_. She walks down the stairs, not bothering to hide her footsteps.

When she walks into the laundry room, she sees Raidou frowning at an installation manual for a new washing machine. He doesn’t even look up when she walks in.

“What are you doing?” Kurenai asks. Raidou frowns.

“I bought you a new washing machine.” He says, like he just bought her a bag of rice.

“What was wrong with the old one?” she asks, walking over to him.

“It’s old and inefficient,” he says, “this one will save us money on power long term.” He pats the machine with his hand. Kurenai wraps her arms and his waist and rests her head on his shoulder.

“So, what are you doing now?” she hums. Raidou makes a face.

“Trying to install the new machine,” he sighs, “Genma conveniently decided to go to work…”

“Raidou, he always works on Thursday,” Kurenai says. Raidou pouts.

“I had to move all of this myself. You two are always getting on about how old I am but are never around for any of the heavy lifting.” Raidou steps back to look at how the washing machine hooks up to the pipes. Kurenai follows him, in one of her melty moods.

“You know what we should do instead?” she says. Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Let me finish hooking up the new washing machine?” he drawls. Kurenai kisses the side of his neck, and he makes an annoyed sound.

“Nope,” she hums.

“Look, I just need a second to finish this,” he mumbles, looking back at the instructions.

“Nooo,” she sighs, kissing his neck again.

“You always make things difficult,” he sighs. Kurenai grins.

“I just want attention,” she says, “it’s all I want from you.”

“Why?” he asks, looking at the manual. He knows Kurenai is in love with him, and that she has only ever, really, wanted his attention, but he doesn’t know why she chooses him.

“Because I love you so much that my heart could _burst_ ,” she says, “any minute, it will rip apart in my chest.”

“You’re still so dramatic,” he sighs. But he turns his head to look at her, and he smiles. “Can I finish installing this before I give you a proper response to your heart literally bursting on me?” Kurenai pouts.

“I’m trying to be romantic,” she says, “I see you and my brain gets stupid happy.”

“Stupid happy,” he repeats.

“Dumb joy.” She says, “that’s what you are. My dumb joy.” Raidou blinks at her. _Dumb joy_. It’s one of the most romantic things he has ever heard.

“If you let me finish hooking this thing up, I will sit you up on the new washing machine and fuck you stupid. How does that sound?” he says. Kurenai’s mood immediately shifts; she perks right up.

“Really?” she asks, excited.

“So stupid, you’ll lose IQ points,” he looks back at the manual, smiling to himself when she squeezes his waist.

“You promise to make me dumber?” she asks. Raidou smirks to himself.

“You are just as thirsty now as you were at eighteen.” It makes him smile, thinking about the time she bit Genma to get his attention. In hindsight, she has always had it bad for him.

Kurenai is silent, so he turns to look at her. Her mouth hangs open in an ‘o,’ and Raidou holds up a hand. “Don’t talk about my semen. I am trying to concentrate.” Kurenai blinks, wondering if she will ever live that down. She lets go of him and takes a step back.

“I’ll be back in five minutes,” she says. Raidou frowns at the manual.

“Make it ten.”

**

Kurenai gives him fifteen minutes. When she walks back into the laundry room, he leans against the machine, his arms crossed. He has a sour look on his face, and it dawns on her that he was probably ready at the seven-minute mark. He leans against the washing machine, his hands behind his back. She grins at him.

“You made me wait,” he says, standing there. Kurenai pads towards him, grateful to be wearing a dress today. It’s a wrap one, the kind that makes her waist smaller and boobs and hips bigger. She is only now comfortable with the idea of dressing like a woman again. She grins at him, not saying anything. “You have nothing to say for yourself?”

“I took off my underpants.” She replies. Raidou’s frown deepens.

“I could have done that for you.” He is always looking to do things for Kurenai. It’s endearing, the way he shows his care. Fixing the house, teaching Mirai kenjutsu and how to build things, getting things from the store.

“But I want to take care of _you_ ,” she hums, wrapping her arms around his waist. Her inner eighteen-year old is thrilled to be having this conversation with him. It really looked like this kind of life wouldn’t happen for them. Raidou puts his hand on her cheek and looks into her eyes. “Remember when we first got together?” she asks. He nods, biting his lip. “I wanted, so badly, to be your partner. I’ve wanted this kind of life with you for a very long time,” she says.

“I know,” he says softly, pressing his tummy into hers.

Raidou kisses her first, and it makes Kurenai melt. Her hands are on his chest, his neck, running through his hair, along his sides. He still kisses the same, even after all this time. It’s been twenty-four years since they first kissed. Nearly a quarter of a century. They ought to celebrate next year. Go somewhere nice.

“Sit me up on the machine,” she sighs, “and make me stupid.” Raidou doesn’t say anything, but he picks her up and sits her on the washing machine. He kisses the inside of her collarbone as she plays with the tie of her dress.

“You buy such complicated clothes,” he says, kissing her neck.

“It’s because they make me look good.” He can’t find fault with her there. But she has never looked ugly a day in her life. He’s seen her sweaty, caked in blood and dirt, exhausted. He has never seen her and not desired her. Maybe it’s his curse in this life.

She finally loosens the tie, and Raidou shoves the dress back down over her shoulders. He frowns at her bra.

“I thought you took off your underwear,” he says. Kurenai kisses his chin.

“My breasts don’t look like they used to,” she pulls her arms out of the sleeves while he hums impatiently.

“So?” he asks. Kurenai frowns, unhooking her bra. She blinks. Kurenai is hyperaware of how her body has changed. Her breasts aren’t perky, and there are stretchmarks from where she carried Mirai. Her waist is thicker and her tummy is no longer flat. She looks good for her age, but she no longer looks like the woman Raidou spent nine years with.

“Don’t you think they’re saggy?” she asks. Raidou tilts his head.

“I guess.” He doesn’t mean to sound clueless. It’s just that he likes how her body has aged. He doesn’t expect her to look the same as she first did. Raidou doesn’t. His hair is greying, and there are wrinkles around the corners of his eyes.

“You guess?” she asks, her voice lowering.

“I like your body,” he says, watching her drop her bra to the ground. “You’re beautiful.” He blushes when he says it, because it is a denuded statement. _You’re beautiful_. It’s cliché and inelegant, but it’s true. There has never been a night that he has spent beside her, where he doesn’t wonder why someone with options chose him. It’s not just about her looks. It’s the way that her soul speaks to his. Like he is a perfect being.

Kurenai takes his face in her hands, rubbing her thumbs over his cheekbones. The truth is that she feels her most beautiful when he is inside of her, making her move her face in ugly ways. “Raidou,” she sighs, “come here.” Pressing his lips to hers, he slips his tongue inside her mouth. _Come here, come inside, please stay_. His mouth is soft, and she opens her hips to him.

“I want to make out,” she sighs. “I don’t want your mouth to leave mine.”

“You’re obsessed,” he sighs. Kurenai pulls away as he leans in. She smiles at the surprised look on his face, the tip of his pink tongue.

“It’s because you’re so good.” She places a hand on the side of his throat. Kurenai grins when she feels his pulse.

“I’m not good at all,” he says quietly. Kurenai grins when she feels his right hand between her thighs. She moves herself onto his hand crushes her mouth to his. She moans into his mouth when he moves just so, and when she kisses his neck, he grins. “I’d be okay if you never wore underwear again.”

“That’s icky,” she sighs. He is touching all that is soft within her. Petal soft. A bloom. If he is going to make her stupid, things are going to have to get messy. He wants her to get all over him.

“We could fuck around like this all the time,” he replies.

Like all people, Kurenai is soft on the inside. But what makes her different is that she is the only woman, other than Yuugao, who immediately relaxes when he enters, instead of reflexively tensing. Kurenai exhales, kissing him all over. _You deserve it all, Raidou_.

“That’s a tempting offer,” she replies.

“Feel free to take me up on it,” he says, rubbing his thumb against her. Kurenai leans back on her hands and Raidou kisses down her neck, her sternum, taking a nipple in his mouth. It makes her feel melty. Like, if you cut her open, instead of blood it would be honey. Raidou touches her and she moans, loudly, making him go harder.

“Fuck,” she murmurs, cupping her hand to the back of his head, running her hands through his hair. She moves her hips against his hand, and she looks up, exposing her throat to him. She feels like velvet, and when he looks up and sees her neck, he places his mouth right over it and sucks, hard. Kurenai supposes she ought to be mad at having a hickey. But Raidou can do whatever he wants to her. “I want you inside me,” she whines.

“Don’t you want to come first?” he asks. Kurenai shakes her head.

“I just want to be stupid.” She opens herself to him and reaches for his pants. She scoots to the edge of the machine and he steps right up. “I’m so excited,” she sighs, pulling him towards her. His tummy tightens as she lines them up.

“You have no idea how excited _I_ am.” He replies.

When they are finally together, Kurenai looks into his eyes, putting her forehead against his. With her hand on his cheek, she places her thumb over his lower lip.

“You have the prettiest eyes,” she says. They’re brown, with a ring of honey around each pupil.

“They’re just brown.” He smiles. “Not as pretty as yours.” Raidou takes her thumb in his mouth, and Kurenai clenches when he sucks on it. Kurenai is embarrassed by how hot she thinks it is. _Raidou could suck my thumb raw_. The thought makes her wet.

“Move,” she says quietly. Raidou releases her thumb and grabs her hips. He moves slowly, at first, looking up into her face. Kurenai bites her lip, holding his face in her hands. It strikes her, suddenly, that she has never been adored unconditionally by anyone other than Raidou. As he begins moving faster, harder, Kurenai tightens herself around him, wanting him to hit bottom.

Kurenai wants to be fucked stupid, but it occurs to her that love makes her stupid. Here she is, half-dressed, with Raidou buried inside of her on top of a new washing machine, his pants down at his ankles. They probably look pretty stupid.

Raidou grunts, moving harder. She kisses him, the edge of his jaw, his throat. Kurenai opens herself wider, and the backs of her knees sweat as the floaty feeling in her tummy rises up, past her liver and her diaphragm and her lungs, up to her heart. Her heart feels like it is both floating and about to burst. _I love you so much and you fuck me so well_. She kisses his throat, moving her hand down between her legs, rubbing a quick series of circles over her clit. Raidou groans against her, and it feels like the sky is falling.

“I love you,” she pants against his throat. “I love you so much, it makes me stupid.” He shivers, because he can feel her teeth on his throat. Raidou can’t really speak, but he moves even harder. Kurenai bites down on his throat as he hits the final stretch. The sky falls but she is floating. 

One. Two. Three. Sigh. Kurenai buries her face in the side of his neck, and Raidou leans his head against hers. He stares at the cement wall of the basement. For both of them, speaking feels impossible. It takes him a second to remember basic arithmetic, and Kurenai has to wait for the floaty feeling to dissipate before her thoughts can return to coherence. He never disappoints but Kurenai is continually impressed by the way that he raises the bar. _You’re too good to me_. She kisses his shoulder.

Raidou wraps his arms around her and holds her close. He feels _stupid_ happy. His joy is positively _dumb_. He never wants to be remotely intelligent ever again.

“I’d have sex with you anywhere.” He says, unprompted.

“Anywhere?” she asks, wanting to test the theory. She supposes it has more or less been proven already. “You really mean it?”

“I would never joke about our sex.” He sighs, pulling away to look at her. Kurenai opens her mouth to reply, when they hear the front door open. Their eyes widen in horror when they hear Mirai let out a loud “MOM!”

“Aren’t you a sensor?” Raidou hisses, pulling away.

“I was distracted!” Kurenai whispers, loudly.

“What kind of ninja gets distracted?” he says.

“The kind that is fucked stupid.” She looks for her bra, which lies on the floor. Raidou opens his mouth to reply, when they hear Mirai walking towards the stairs to the basement.

Kurenai forgets about putting her bra back on. She pulls on her sleeves, as Raidou pulls up his pants. Mirai calls out again, and Raidou curses under his breath. Kurenai says nothing, closing her legs and pulling her dress over her breasts. He steps back on a towel, and trips, falling on his ass.

“FUCK!” Raidou swears, his face screwed up in pain. Kurenai opens her mouth to ask if he is okay, when they hear Mirai come down the stairs. She curses Raidou for messing up the ties on her dress. There is no way that she is going to be able to fix herself in time to help Raidou.

They both feel a little panicky, since neither of them want to have this discussion with Mirai. Raidou never wants to talk to her about sex, and Kurenai would like to wait until she has at least hit puberty. Raidou looks up at Kurenai with a panicked look when his pants zipper gets stuck. Their eyes are wide, and Raidou looks around for a blanket or towel to cover himself.

Raidou thinks his heart is going to stop in his chest, when they hear the door open and Genma’s voice. “Mirai?”

“Yeah?” she replies, walking back up the stairs.

“Want to go get dinner?” Genma asks. Raidou and Kurenai blink at each other.

“Sure. I think Mom and Raidou are downstairs.” She replies, back up on the main floor.

“Think?” Genma asks.

“Well, I don’t know. Their shoes are here, and the lights are on, but they didn’t respond when I called.” Mirai replies. Raidou isn’t breathing. Kurenai is frozen.

“Let’s just go without them,” Genma says, “they are probably busy.” Mirai doesn’t say anything, so she probably shrugs, but they hear them both leave the house and the door locking behind them.

Raidou sprawls out on the floor, sighing with relief. “That was close.” He sits up on his elbows, looking at Kurenai, who looks like she nearly had a heart attack.

“Never say that Genma doesn’t pull his weight around here.” Kurenai says, sitting up, fiddling the tie around her waist. Raidou frowns at her.

“Okay, but he doesn’t,” he says, pointing at the old washing machine. “Exhibit A.”

“Thanks to him, my daughter didn’t walk in on us. He can do whatever he wants from now on.” Kurenai says. “What’s wrong with your pants?”

“Zipper is busted.” Raidou exhales loudly. “Thanks, Kurenai.”

“It’s not my fault.” She hums.

“It kind of is,” he grumbles. Kurenai stops fixing her dress, and looks at him, tilting her head.

“Are you going to put your dick away?” she asks. Raidou, for once, is the one with a pervy grin plastered on his face.

“Do you want me to?” he asks. Kurenai pushes herself off of the washing machine. She finally undoes the tie, and lets her dress fall open. She pushes it off of her shoulders, and Raidou smiles at her.

“Obviously not,” she says, standing over him. He grabs her around knees, and she laughs as he pulls her down to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday! Here's a short chapter. I am waiting for a thesis chapter from my advisor, so I have nothing to do. It is a strange feeling. 
> 
> "Dumb joy" is a reference to an early letter Nabokov sent to his wife Vera, where he called her his "strange joy." 
> 
> I hope you like this update! I'd love to know what you think, and clearly I respond to praise. Thank you for reading!


	30. Clean Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raidou the Scaredy Cat

“fear of missin’ out on you and me”

Kendrick Lamar, “FEAR.”

Yuugao sighs as she holds up Sasuke’s personnel file. He gave her a heads up that he would be taking paternity leave, which is fine. It’s just going to be a headache getting Neji to agree to consider a replacement. Kakashi eyes her as she sits on the couch, an open beer in front of her.

“You’ve been staring at Sasuke’s file for fifteen minutes.” He says in a flat voice. Yuugao rubs her neck, thinking.

“It’s going to be annoying, dealing with Neji,” she says, “he’s awfully temperamental.”

“Particular,” Kakashi says, “that’s the word.”

“Well, he’s probably the only person who practically demands to work with Sasuke,” she says, as Kakashi thumps down on the couch beside her.

“I’m still surprised that Sasuke’s going to be a father,” Kakashi says, “I mean, him?” Yuugao smirks.

“You say that like you didn’t spend four years plotting on getting him back.” She sets the file down and puts her hair in a ponytail. “I get it, though. Raidou and I would have stepped back, if we had kids.” She never felt as pathologically guilty as he did, but they both decided that they would take a step back from their work. No more hits, no more political intrigue, no more torture. Perhaps it was delusional to think that they could just be a happy family, but it’s what she and Raidou had planned.

Kakashi leans back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. The spectres of Yuugao and Raidou’s children haunt him, too. He doesn’t think about them much, but when he does, he feels bad to be happy that they were never born. It had been humiliating to be her second choice, and if she had gotten pregnant on top of all of that…well, he’d be okay, but he probably would have stayed in bed for a weekend. “You don’t send Raidou on hits anymore, do you?” she asks. Kakashi bobs his head side to side.

“He won’t go after anyone under eighteen and the target has to sort of earn it. That cuts out at least half of the missions he would have been assigned.” He really hates knowing the intimate details of Raidou’s work. He always understood, intellectually, why Raidou had such a hard job. But seeing those reports is something else. _Twenty-six years killing people_. He’s surprised that Raidou still has a soul.

“That’s good that he did that,” she says softly, “it was killing him.” She sips her beer, as Kakashi blinks up at the ceiling. He turns his head to look at her, the way her neck curves up into her jaw, her cute little ears.

“Do you ever wish that you and Raidou had made it?” Kakashi can hear Asuma’s ghost telling him not to ask questions he doesn’t want the answer to, but he is curious. She turns to him, confused.

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because I want to know.” He shrugs, and her mouth twists.

“Sometimes,” she admits, “but it’s more about the whole life we could have had, rather than just him.” If her feelings for Raidou were just about him, she never would have let him walk out the door. “But I like where I am now.” She grins, evilly, “I maybe even _love_ it.” Kakashi blushes.

“Are you ever going to let that go?”

“It took you a year to tell me that you love me,” she says, “and you didn’t even say ‘I love you,’ like a normal person. You told me that you love my hair.” She laughs at the memory, and he turns bright red. It’s hard to get under his skin, but it’s not impossible, if you know where to pick.

“It’s not a big deal that I took forever to say it.” He grumbles to himself.

Yuugao sets her beer down, and throws her arms around him, so that her face is right in his. “C’mon, I am just teasing you.” She runs her fingers through his hair, and he eyes her.

“But you’re happy, right?” he says, a little insecure. Yuugao’s face softens.

“Yes, I am very happy with you.” She smiles big as she pulls down his mask.

**

Genma trails Kurenai at the grocery store, since Raidou and Mirai and Aoba are all too busy to spend time with him. She isn’t a very organized shopper, so Raidou is the one who compiles the grocery list and teaches Mirai how to search for coupons. She is worse than him. They two of them have developed a spreadsheet, where Raidou will write descriptions of what the food should look like. Genma eyes the list. For examples: five mangoes. Don’t bother if they are overripe. Mirai has a specific brand of juice she likes and a specific flavor. Nothing else will do. Raidou dutifully enters that onto the list, and Kurenai indulges his neurosis and the one he is cultivating in Mirai.

“The two of them are so demanding,” Genma says, “don’t buy overripe mangoes? Avoided wilted lettuce? Spotless, green bananas?”

“They have preferences,” she says, “it’s harmless.”

“This is how dictatorships start.” He says, “you give and give and give, until there is no freedom left!” Kurenai snorts.

“You’re dramatic.”

“Am not,” he says.

“Are you listening to yourself?” she asks. “What’s next on the list?”

“A handgun for Genma to shoot himself with. Preferably lightweight, little recoil.” He says, without a hint of sarcasm.

“Ha ha,” she says, “not funny.”

“It was a little funny.”

“If Mirai heard that, she would never let you out of her sight again.” Kurenai hums.

“That’s why I said it to you and not her,” he replies.

“So?”

“So what?” he asks.

“What’s next on the list?” _Oh_.

“Raidou wants those granola bars he likes, and apparently, Mirai will only eat the peanut kind.” Genma grins when he hears Kurenai sigh. “ _See_ , it is annoying!” She chooses not to respond, but Genma grins anyway.

**

Kurenai hasn’t been in the maternity ward since she gave birth ten years ago. As she and Kakashi walk down the hall, she wonders how many babies have been born between Mirai and this one. They aren’t the first people who were called, but Kurenai is pretty sure that she got the call before Ino. They waited a few hours, until everyone cleared out. Kurenai and Kakashi instinctively soften their footsteps the closer they get.

When they finally step into the room, they see Sasuke, exhausted, blinking to stay awake, and Hinata, sitting up straight, holding their baby. She is alert, smiling at them softly. Kurenai bought flowers, which she places on a table while Kakashi strolls over to the window. Sasuke eyes them both, but he says nothing. Kurenai can only imagine all the forced interaction he has put up with today.

“Babies having babies,” Kurenai says softly, sitting down. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore,” Hinata says, smiling. “But happy.” She tilts her arms, so Kurenai can see the squished, pink face of Hinata’s son.

“Hi baby,” she coos. “Kakashi, come see him.”

“Should I?” he turns to Sasuke, who grunts and gestures towards Hinata. Kakashi walks over, strides loose, and looks down. Kurenai watches him press the pad of his finger to the baby’s cheek, like he did to Mirai when they first met.

“Cute baby,” he hums, “way cuter than his dad.” Sasuke grunts behind him. “I bet he’ll be more charming too.” Sasuke pointedly says nothing, while Hinata giggles. The baby does a little baby yawn, and Kurenai feels something inside her burst with tenderness.

“I forget how it sounds when a baby yawns,” she says. Hinata smiles.

“I know,” she says, looking at her baby, “he’s just…perfect.” Hinata says this in a dreamy voice because the reality of motherhood hasn’t yet hit her.

“She is never going to look at you again,” Kakashi says to Sasuke, before walking back to the window.

“It’s okay,” Sasuke says, “I get it.” Hinata is so busy looking at her baby, that she doesn’t see how Sasuke looks at her and their baby. Kurenai does, and when her eyes meet Kakashi’s, she realizes that he can too.

**

Kurenai places a chip in her mouth, sitting next to Kakashi on a bench. “We should hang out more,” she says, offering him a chip. Kakashi waves a hand, leaning back on the bench. This is where Kurenai found him and Asuma, when he was pretty sure that he wanted to tell him that they were expecting. The vending machine, the brands, are all the same.

“Do you think time travels in a straight line?” Kakashi asks. Kurenai frowns, looking into her chip bag.

“I think time is a bitch.” That’s the extent to which she thinks about it.

“Bitchier than life?” he asks. Kurenai nods.

“Oh, certainly,” she replies, “we’re getting older and uglier, and one day we’ll be dust.”

“Can’t wait,” he says, “but we shouldn’t be so pessimistic in a place where there are babies. It’s bad luck.”

“And we’re cursed,” she says, “knowing our luck, in the end, it will be the two of us hanging out in diapers.” Kakashi frowns at the image.

“I’ve given Yuugao strict instructions to put me down as soon as she senses frailty.”

“She won’t,” Kurenai says, “spoiler.” Kakashi frowns, crossing his arms.

“Why are you saying you’re cursed, anyway?” he asks, “you’ve pretty much got everything you’ve wanted.” _Just not the way you planned_. Life really is a bitch. Kurenai presses her lips together, thinking.

“I’d like a baby, you know,” she says, “Raidou doesn’t want one.”

“Wasn’t his whole thing with Yuugao about having kids?” Kakashi asks, leaning forward on his elbows.

“His thing?” she asks.

“The deal. The despair. The angst.” He rubs his forehead, not wanting to think about it.

“He wanted those things with Yuugao,” Kurenai says, “he had a very particular vision of fatherhood, and she was always a part of it.” It hurts to admit it, but while he has always loved her, he only thought about fatherhood in passing with her.

“What about Mirai?”

“Asuma is Mirai’s father.” Kurenai says, “he loves her like she is his own, he’s obsessed with her safety and welfare like he made her, but he doesn’t delude himself into thinking that is the case.” Kakashi nods.

“You know, Yuugao wouldn’t be with me if she could have kids.” He volunteers this easily.

“Raidou wouldn’t be with me either.” They would have two kids and a billion plants. “Yuugao would probably be a hot pregnant lady.” Kurenai says. Kakashi snorts.

“I have no intention of finding out.” He says, “I don’t want kids. It’s why our relationship works.” Kurenai pops another chip into her mouth, frowning.

“You know, I kind of wish Yuugao and I had a better relationship.” She pauses. “It would be nice, to be on better terms with her.”

“Nice?” he replies.

“We have things in common,” she says, “mutual friends.” Kakashi restrains himself from saying that they have Raidou’s dick in common. It’s the kind of thing Genma could get away with, but not him.

“Yuugao isn’t petty,” he says, “the two of you can awkwardly orbit around each other at parties for years to come.” He knows better than to say that she doesn’t care about what happened, because Yuugao does care, just not for Kurenai. She shrugs, picking out another chip.

“That’s fine by me.”

**

Kids asked the darnedest questions. Maybe it is because the world is so new to them, whereas adults have been around so long that the world seems obvious and sensible. Mirai never fails to stump Raidou. _Why? Why? Why?_ Thanks to her, he has been to the library more times in the past ten years than in the previous thirty-five, and he can tell you the difference between alligators and crocodiles, the average length of a cat’s pregnancy and why it always rains in spring.

Mirai keeps him on his toes, and for the most part, he enjoys it. Watching her eat a sandwich, her face screwed up as she chews, he can tell that she has a question buzzing around in her head. When she finally swallows, she blinks and looks at him.

“What kind of missions do you go on?” she asks.

“I’m mostly a bodyguard, these days,” he replies. He still goes on hits, but only the really important ones. _No more kids, no more collateral_. Raidou decided this when Mirai was two and climbing all over everything. He can’t know her and go out and take innocent lives. Now, his targets have to be full grown adults and sort of deserve it. Not a high bar, but he would rather the people in his life remain ignorant to how much his work has slowed down since instituting those rules.

“What did you do before?” she asks.

“Before?” he says, “well, I did a lot of group missions. Some tracking, some intelligence, mostly escort.”

“And the missions where you leave for months?” she asks, “where do you go?” Raidou frowns.

“Why do you want to know?” he asks.

“Someone at the academy said that you kill people.” Mirai says, matter-of-factly. The blood drains from Raidou’s face, and if he weren’t sitting down, he’d collapse.

He never wanted this day to come, where he would have to sit down and explain his choices to someone who didn’t know him when he was offered the job. _I was angry, orphaned and didn’t think it was a big deal_. There is a difference between killing someone on the job and the job being to kill someone.

“Who said that?” he asks. Mirai gives him a funny look.

“Why does it matter?” she replies. Raidou frowns.

“Because it does,” he says. She frowns, tilting her head.

“A kid in my class,” she says. Raidou narrows his eyes.

“How did they know?” he asks. Mirai shrugs.

“I don’t know,” she says. Raidou sighs and rubs his forehead. “Is it true?”

“I work as an assassin, yes.” He leaves out the part where he is actually, really good at it.

“How many people have you killed?” she asks. Raidou really hates himself in this moment. If he could go back to age twenty and make a different choice, he would.

“A lot.” He doesn’t keep count. He is sure the number is in his personnel file, wherever that is kept.

“Why?” she asks, an impassive expression on her face.

“Because I am paid to do it,” he says. Most of his savings are from past jobs. Murder pays.

“And that’s the only reason?” she asks.

“For me? Yes. For the village? No.” He scratches his jaw, “I’m just told to do it. I’m not the person who decides.” Mirai frowns at him.

“Why do you do it?” she asks. Raidou thinks about lying, he really does. But he’s in this deep, and this is going to come out eventually.

“Because I was lost after my parents died, and I am very good at kenjutsu.” He won’t add that the pay was hard to say no to.

“Do you think I’ll be asked to murder people too?” Mirai asks in a quiet voice. Raidou looks at her, with the hard look he reserves for when he has to pin someone down.

“You’re going to be a ninja,” he says, “you are going to kill someone, at some time.” Mirai frowns.

“Why will I have to?” she says. Raidou’s mouth twitches.

“Because, one day, there will be someone who stands between you and coming home, and they won’t stop until they are cut down.” Raidou pauses. “On another day, you’ll meet someone who is willing to kill everyone you hold dear, someone who would destroy the village ten times over, annihilate all the babies and everything, and they won’t stop until they’re put down.” He pauses. “But that’s not what being an assassin is. I am given assignments.” Mirai nods.

“How do you know when you don’t have a choice?”

“The great thing about ninjas who are out to kill, is that they generally tell you.” Raidou looks away, because he knows that’s not the whole truth. He is very good at hiding in plain sight.

“Do you want me to be like you?” she asks, “is that why you teach me kenjutsu?”

“I teach you kenjutsu because it will save your life one day,” he says. “And no, I don’t want you to become an assassin. I regret it very much.” He looks at the ground, kicking up dust, and thinks about his dad. “My dad didn’t want that kind of thing for me, and I don’t want it for you. Your dad wouldn’t want that for you either.” No father who is worthy of the title wants that for his child. Mirai looks up at him and wonders why he won’t look at her.

“Why?” she asks. Raidou blinks at her.

“Because it hurts,” he says, before staring into the distance. They sit like that for five minutes, before he stands up and tells her that they are going home.

Mirai isn’t five anymore, but she holds his hand the whole way and doesn’t ask him anymore questions. She even laughs at all his bad jokes.

**

That night, Raidou stares up at the ceiling while Kurenai lies in bed next to him, reading a book. He hasn’t quite recovered from his conversation with Mirai this afternoon. _You kill people_. Raidou feels horrible. That he has killed that many people, and that Mirai has to go to sleep and wake up knowing that she lives with a killer.

“Mirai knows,” he says softly. Kurenai sets her book down, looking at him.

“Mirai knows what?” she asks.

“She knows what I do.” He says, “she knows I’m an assassin.” Kurenai frowns, placing her book on the bed side table.

“Raidou,” she says, “we’ve all killed people.”

“No,” he says, “I do it for money. It’s the purpose of the job.” She sighs and rolls onto her side to look at him.

“How did she find out?” Kurenai asks softly.

“Someone at the academy told her.” He looks at Kurenai, his jaw clenched. “It really upsets me, that someone went and did that.”

“Why?” she asks, running her fingers through his hair.

“Because I never wanted her to know,” he says quietly. Kurenai tuts.

“You’re a respected assassin and you’re well-known for your kenjutsu,” she says, “someone was going to tell her.” He frowns and looks away.

“She doesn’t look at me differently, but that’s because she doesn’t fully understand what I do,” he replies. “One day she will, and she won’t look at me the same.” He’s not her father, but Raidou isn’t a moron. He is her father figure. He’s the man she looks up to as an example, and who does she get? A killer. Life has already ripped Mirai off in innumerable ways, but this is a pretty big one.

“Are you afraid, Raidou?” Kurenai asks. He swallows.

To love someone is to have an intimate relationship with fear. Fear that they won’t love you anymore, or that they don’t feel the same, that one day something will happen, and you won’t ever see them again. The cruelest thing about this fear is that it’s well-founded. People change. They grow up, fall out of love, stop coming by.

People also die.

For a long time, Raidou’s emotional world was very small. After his parents, his brother, he couldn’t live with the fear of losing someone he loves. His love for Kurenai has always scared him. He had no choice but to love her, so he had to embrace the fear that accompanies love. It was the same with Yuugao, even worse with Mirai.

Like, here is this little being he has known since before she was born, this baby who he used to hold in his arms and make faces at, a kid who is now entering a dangerous profession, grappling with the fact that the man who, for all intents and purposes, is her father, is a killer for _money_. It’s worse than thinking about the look on his father’s face, if Raidou had the chance to tell him he is an assassin.

It doesn’t matter what Mirai actually thinks, so much as her knowing the truth about him. “Did your dad ever talk to you about killing people?” he asks, “because mine didn’t.”

“Never explicitly,” Kurenai replies. No one ever tells you what it means to kill someone, in clear terms. That’s because their job isn’t to kill. Except for Raidou. He was the only one who became an assassin. “Ibiki tortures people.”

“He never hurt a kid.” Raidou says. “He never killed a person because someone decided to pay a bunch of money to make them go away.”

“Raidou,” she says softly. He frowns.

“Don’t _Raidou_ me,” he says, “you don’t know what it’s like.” He turns away from her, and Kurenai watches his back. She places her hand on a shoulder blade.

“Is this about that woman?” she asks in a quiet voice. Raidou groans, because he hadn’t thought of her until now. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he says, “I said yes. It’s not like I ever refused a job or said no.” He had been blinded by patriotism, using it as an excuse. He’s not a father, but in raising Mirai, he has discovered why his father never talked about the Will of Fire or the Good of the Village or even Think of the Children. His father only ever loved the Moms, his brother and Raidou. Every decision he made was for them; not just for their safety, but to be the kind of man they could look up to. A man who could stand on his own and make decisions for himself. _Loyalty is one of the dumbest virtues_ , his father would say, and Raidou always thought that it was because shinobi are inherently duplicitous. Loyalty isn’t part of the job description if you’re a mercenary for hire. That is not the case.

Loyalty is thoughtless. Patriotism is thoughtless. In using them as reasons for his actions, Raidou thoughtlessly killed people. He always had a choice; he just refused to acknowledge it.

His father always insisted on free will, that a person is made up of their choices. The reason you should do something is because you, of your own will, affirm it. That’s why he frowned when Kurenai’s father told her to have a baby, why he got mad when Raidou said he was going to serve the village in whatever way he could. _You’re here because I made you, not because of the village_. His father was afraid for him, his brother, his mother. _Fear_ is why his father went after the Nine Tails. _Fear_ is why his father told him to always make his own choices. _Fear_ is why his father told him that he is a person before a citizen.

Raidou proved all of his father’s fears to be correct.

Fear. It’s what compelled his honesty this afternoon. It’s what makes him train Mirai in kenjutsu. It’s why he always tells Kurenai to lock the door. It’s why he never told Yuugao the truth. It’s not just the fear of them looking at him differently; it’s the fear of seeing them get their guts torn out.

Shin once asked him why he thought his nightmare took the form of the black blade through Kurenai or Yuugao. _What do you think your brain is trying to understand about you?_ Raidou had to think about that one for a month. His answer had been _fear_ : that he isn’t the man Kurenai or Yuugao believe him to be, that he is the source of their pain, and the undeniable truth that he is the kind of man who stuck his sword through a defenceless woman. He is just as afraid of what other men could do to them, as much as he fears himself.

Kurenai presses herself to Raidou, pressing her lips to his bare shoulder. “You’re such a scaredy cat,” she says, “you’re afraid that other people don’t want to be in the dark with you.” Kurenai would live in darkness with him. Raidou sighs.

“I hate that I’m not the kind of man Mirai can look up to.” He says, “not really. Not if she saw my file.”

“You’re not your personnel file,” Kurenai says, “you’re the man who walks her home and makes her dinner and teaches her how to fix things.” She smooths his hair down, placing her mouth next to his ear. The side of his neck tingles. “I wish you could see yourself the way she does. You’d never be afraid again.”

“Who would I be without fear?” he asks.

“Free,” Kurenai replies, putting an arm over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I feel like I woke up this week and realized a lot of things about Raidou that I wish I knew when I began this story. I wish I'd understood his fear better; I think a lot of men are socialized to be afraid of their feelings, and Raidou isn't an exception to that rule. I feel like the last two sections of this chapter capture what I've been trying to say with way too many words. He is a "patriot" with an "indomitable spirit" and I while I think he is indomitable, in the sense that Raidou gets up every day and chugs along, I wanted him to question his patriotism, because I think it makes him kinda stupid for the five seconds he is in canon. It was important for me that his questioning happens because of Mirai, because I think she is someone who he very clearly, love more and prioritizes above the village.
> 
> LIKE I know there is no sex in this chapter and Kurenai and Yuugao are just vibing, but I really feel like I hit the truth of Raidou, as a character. To have him admit to fear, and that love makes him a fearful creature, is something I'm proud of. And Kurenai not throwing her vagina at him to make him feel better! I won't lie, I didn't think they'd ever not be toxic but I stand corrected.


	31. Cold Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graduation

“I’m at the exit/looking back through the hall”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Smoke Signals”

When Kurenai showed up at Hinata’s door with a fresh cinnamon bun, she found her former student in sweatpants, wearing a ratty sweater, her hair in a bun. It’s been four months, and Kurenai makes sure to do this every Monday. Sasuke is usually out and about on Mondays, so she rarely sees him. Today is no exception.

Hinata welcomed her in. After taking off her shoes and setting the bun down on the table, she pads over to the living room, where The Shrimp a.k.a. the baby, is lying on his back, on a mat. He only recently started to develop the chubby cheeks and tummy of a ‘cute’ baby. Sai came up with his nickname, because when they first met, he was little and pink. Hinata thinks it’s cute, and a far better alternative to what Naruto suggested, so the nickname stuck.

Kurenai reaches down for him, and he makes grabby hands at her, grinning. He has dark eyes and hair, and he always looks like he is thinking. Mirai was different, in the sense that she was always a very relaxed baby. She didn’t appear to think about much, beyond being with Kurenai and making strange noises at the people who held her. She did always have a preference for Raidou and Shikamaru, but the former was always talking to her and the latter was always around.

But it was Genma who taught her the word for father by pointing at Asuma’s picture. _You can’t pretend she doesn’t have a dad. She’ll think she’s a loser when she hangs out with other babies_. Kurenai holds The Shrimp so that his head is on her shoulder, and he can watch Hinata.

The Shrimp grasps a lock of Kurenai’s hair, which she has grown out, and sticks it in his mouth. “No,” she softly, pulling it away and over her other shoulder. He makes a disappointed noise, but that changes when Kurenai walks over to Hinata. He twists his chunky baby body and stuffs a hand in his mouth and squirms. He is very attached to Hinata. He’s a nice enough baby, and tolerates being held by others, but he only relaxes when it’s Hinata who holds him. Ino had her baby last week, and Hinata was hoping to visit her today with Kurenai, The Shrimp in a bucket. Sai called that one The Bug, who has very big eyes for a little baby.

Hinata picks at her bun, wordlessly watching The Shrimp look at her, with absolute adoration. “He loves you so much,” Kurenai says.

“Sasuke is a little jealous, I think.” Hinata says, “I don’t think he’s figured out who he is more jealous of.” Kurenai smiles.

“That’s normal.” Genma pouted for a good four months when he realized that Raidou was Mirai’s favorite.

“To be jealous of a baby?” she asks.

“It’s an adjustment for everyone,” Kurenai explains, “I think everyone feels a little displaced after.” Except Raidou. He was very enthusiastic about Mirai. Kurenai suspects that part of it was because he wanted a child in his life for a very long time.

The Shrimp sneezes on Kurenai’s neck, and then goes back to smiling at Hinata. Everyone is a distant star, compared to her. “You better hurry up and get dressed,” Kurenai says, “Ino is expecting us soon.” Hinata nods and goes to wash her hands, The Shrimp watching the back of her head intently. He fusses when she steps into her bedroom, and only calms down when she comes back in, fully dressed.

**

Part of loving someone is knowing when they need you to play along with their questionable ideas. Yuugao stands with her hands on her hips, head tilted, beside Yamato, who is doing the same thing.

“Do you think it looks okay?” she asks. Yamato frowns.

“I think it looks better,” he says in a placating voice, “it’s different.”

Yuugao decided that, while Kakashi is away at a summit, it would be a nice idea to redecorate his home office. Previously, the walls had been off-white, and he had a few plants on his windowsill, a bed for each of the dogs, a desk and a bookshelf. What started off as a fresh coat of paint spiralled into repainting the furniture and replacing all the dog beds. The result was nice, but decidedly not very Kakashi. The lilac walls are soothing, and all the plants on the windowsill are nice, and okay he definitely needed a filing cabinet, but it’s not very…him.

Yamato knows two things: Yuugao wants Kakashi to be happy and Kakashi wants Yuugao to be happy. It’s none of his business as to how they go about pleasing each other, but Yamato is pretty sure that Kakashi was fine with how things were. He does think the room looks better, and Kakashi needed more storage space then a bookshelf, but he doesn’t really know if he’ll appreciate coming home to everything being different.

“But do you think it looks bad?” she asks, turning to look at him. “Be honest.” There is no one who has ever uttered those words and truly meant them. Yamato doesn’t look at her as she watches his face, looking for any sign of hesitation or dishonesty.

“I think it looks better than it did,” he replies, “and you got him a nicer office chair. It’ll be good for his back.” Yuugao looks around the room again.

“I should send him a picture before he comes home,” she says, “I don’t think he’ll like coming home to a surprise like this.” Yamato nods.

“Good idea.”

**

Kurenai lies down on the bed, drumming her fingers on her stomach as Raidou pulls on his pajama pants. Whenever she spends time with a baby, she feels a little broody after. She sits up while Raidou looks around for his book.

“Raidou?” Kurenai sits up on her elbows. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he says, looking through the stacks of books Kurenai keeps on the floor. “Mirai and I should build a bookshelf for your room.”

“It’s your room too,” she hums.

“An even better reason to build one.” He smiles up at her. “Your question?”

“I kinda want a baby,” she says. She watches his face fall, and she frowns. “I don’t need one. I’m content. It’s just…sometimes, I see Hinata and Ino’s babies and I feel a little empty.”

“All babies grow up,” he says, turning back to the stack of books.

“I know,” she says, “I just wanted to talk about it with you.” Raidou bobs his head, finally finding his book. He’s very quiet, which means that he is thinking of a good way to say no. “We don’t have to talk about it now, but I’d like to, eventually.” Raidou walks over to the bed and sits down beside her.

“We should talk about it now,” he says. He pauses, looking for the words. It’s very hard to say no to Kurenai, and in all honesty, if she threatened to break up with him, he’d probably do it. It’s just that it feels wrong to be a father when Yuugao will never be a mother. It’s been ten years, and he still feels this way. He doesn’t think it will change. “I don’t want to have a kid,” he says, “not really, not now.” He looks at Kurenai, who seems wilted. “If it helps, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on fatherhood, or that there is anything missing. I’m happy with just Mirai, and I feel like our family is complete.” His mouth twitches as he thinks about what he wants to say next. “I mean, look, if it is non-negotiable for you, I’ll do it.” He leaves _but I don’t really want to_ unsaid. He doesn’t feel like he needs to have a child, because, while he isn’t Mirai’s father, she is like a daughter to him.

It’s not what Kurenai wants to hear, but it is, more or less, what she had expected. It does make her feel warm for him to say things like ‘our family.’ After Asuma died, she didn’t think that she would get to hear someone say that to her. She could live on that single phrase for the rest of her life.

“Our family is complete, huh?” she asks, smiling. Raidou nods.

“It is.”

**

One thing that Raidou won’t admit to liking as much as he does is taking baths. He likes to use lots of Epsom salt, so that he floats, looking up at the ceiling. It’s a very peaceful feeling. He closes his eyes and hums to himself. Genma is on a mission and Mirai is out with a friend. Kurenai is somewhere, but he doesn’t mind having some alone time. He smiles to himself, closing his eyes.

Five minutes pass, and he hears Kurenai’s footsteps at the bottom of the stairs, and he sighs to himself. _I get no peace in this life_. Not while Kurenai walks among the living. He sits up in the bathtub, watching the door swing open as she enters. He puts his arms on the edge of the tub, looking at her with an impassive expression.

“I don’t even get a knock?” he asks. He watches her undo the tie of her dress, as she ignores his question. “Not even a reply?”

“Oh,” she says, “there’s just nothing you could do that grosses me out.”

“You’d watch me take a shit?” he asks. Kurenai does wrinkle her nose, which gives him some satisfaction.

“I’ve cleaned poopy diapers,” she says, walking over to the door and closing it, making sure to lock it. “I’ll even clean your poopy diapers, when you’re old and decrepit.”

“Shoot me if it comes to that,” he says. “So, why are you here?” Kurenai smiles at him as she takes off her dress.

“I want to take a bath with you,” she says, leaving the dress on his pile of clothes. She takes her underwear off next, leaving her bra for last.

“You just want to take a bath?” he asks, voice incredulous. Kurenai nods.

“I want to take a bath and sit on you.” She replies. Raidou smirks.

“That makes a lot more sense.” He opens his legs so she can step between them, and he sits back and lets her sit on top of him. She presses her back to his chest and makes a happy noise in the back of her throat when he wraps his arms around her. He drums his fingers on her stomach, and she smiles.

“We should do this all the time,” she says.

“Sit in a bath?”

“Find little ways to be naked with each other,” she says. Raidou laughs behind her, as she turns to look over her shoulder. “What?”

“What?”

“Yes, what?” she asks. Raidou grins.

“I’ve seen you naked more than anyone else.” He says, “for nine years, our number one hobby was finding ways to be naked together.” Kurenai frowns.

“But I meant just being naked,” she says, “no funny business.” Raidou covers his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. “What is so funny about anything I’m saying?”

“Because our entire relationship is funny business,” he says, “that is, 99% of the time, why we are naked together.”

“It’s not just funny business,” she pouts, “there is love and respect and mutual support…” Kurenai trails off when he starts kissing her shoulder. She closes her mouth and digs her nails into his forearm.

“Funny business is pretty fun,” he murmurs. Kurenai sighs.

“It really is,” she says, “you’re really good at it.” She takes his hand and places it between her legs.

“You think I’m funny?” he says right in her ear, as he traces a lip with his finger.

“Hilarious,” she says, “a comedic genius.” Raidou nods.

“May I show you how funny I am?” he asks in a quiet voice.

“Please,” she replies.

If asked, Raidou would say that having sex in water isn’t very fun. It creates resistance, the positions are limited, and he just doesn’t really like being wet when he has sex. But he will make exceptions when it’s warranted, and this is one of those cases. He presses his nose into the back of Kurenai’s head and listens to her sigh when he finally slips a finger inside. She closes her thighs around his hand, making him smile.

It’s the gross, intimate things that bond them together. You can’t spend years of your life with someone and not become enamoured with all their gross, human bits. One gross thing about Raidou is that he is completely and utterly sure that he could figure out whether or not he is in Kurenai by touch alone. Raidou uses his thumb to rub around her clit, and she makes a noise in her throat that makes him laugh.

“It’s not funny,” she says. Kurenai takes their sex very seriously.

“It’s a little funny,” he says, slipping a second finger inside of her. She moans, and Raidou presses his face into her neck to keep from laughing.

“You’re playing with me!” She says, wanting to go faster.

“I like playing with you.” He replies, “I would say that it is a lot of fun.”

“I hate you,” she says. It comes out a little whiney, like she is really struggling to commit to hatred.

“No, you don’t,” he hums. He flicks one of her nipples, and she makes an unimpressed noise.

They are silent for a bit, until Raidou fingers Kurenai to the point of orgasm and she asks him to go faster and faster. His hand cramps a little bit, but it is worth it when she curses and presses her nails into his arm. She presses her back into his chest and his hand chases her. It’s the kind of orgasm that hits her right behind the eyes, so she screws them shut and clings onto Raidou. He thinks about making another joke about how funny he is, but he finds it hard to joke around when she says his name the way does, with a ‘fuck’ bracketing it on either end.

Kurenai feels like a big, raw nerve when it’s done. She pulls his hand from her and holds it in her own as she slumps back against him.

“You’re the funniest person I’ve ever met,” she says. Raidou grins.

“Really?” he says in a voice that would be childish, if he weren’t forty-six.

“Yes.” She replies. “Want to tell another joke?”

“Do I ever,” he says, watching her stand up and pull the plug of the bathtub. Like Raidou, Kurenai doesn’t have a lot of patience for the drag water creates. As she watches the water drain, Raidou scoots up and gently bites one of her butt cheeks. She squeaks and turns around to look at him.

“What,” she says, “do you want?”

“Attention,” he says, innocently. She smirks, finally understanding how Raidou feels when she asks for his undivided attention. She runs her hand through his hair.

“So needy,” she says. Raidou frowns.

“That’s my line!” He says, making her laugh.

“I find the change refreshing.” She says, “so, how are you going to fuck me?” Raidou looks up at her, head tilted.

“I thought I’d leave it up to you.” It’s her show and all.

She nods, and steps around him, getting on her knees, elbows on the edge of the tub. Her hips are above the receding water. Raidou eyes her, humming in the back of his throat.

“That doesn’t look comfortable.” He says, thinking about her elbows. Kurenai turns back to look at him, smirking.

“I don’t want to be comfortable.” She replies. Raidou snorts and turns around. He gets up and places a hand on her hip, aligning himself with her.

“You don’t want to be comfortable,” he hums, “than what do you want to be?”

“Pounded.”

“That’s another Asuma term.” Raidou says, “Yuugao was more elegant. She’d say, ‘rail me.’” Kurenai rolls her eyes at him.

“Fine. Fuck me so hard I can’t walk. Happy?” she asks. Raidou grins, not bothering to answer her.

He slips inside with little effort, and Kurenai sighs when he is inside of her. He feels her all around him, and he pauses for a second. He always enjoys his time inside of her, but every so often he likes to pause and really enjoy it.

Kurenai makes a noise in the back of her throat, and Raidou murmurs an apology before he starts to move. She presses her forehead to the edge of the tub, clearing her mind of every thought but _him._ The way he makes her feel, the way he fits inside her, the way he moves. She bites her lower lip and begins thrusting back at him, and he takes her cue to pick up speed.

He holds onto her hips and moves hard, more certain each time he hears her moan. Kurenai is very vocal when it’s just the two of them, and he can’t say that he minds it. One could even say that he likes it very much. He finds it very _affirming_. It’s hard to deliver on the pain when she is moving back onto him, but it feels so good, he doesn’t care. Besides, Genma and Mirai would definitely have questions if Kurenai couldn’t actually walk.

He changes the angle and rubs the back wall in a way that makes her shriek, and he almost pauses before she tells him to keep going, _or else_. Raidou decides to not give her the time to tell him what _else_ means, moving hard and fast and strong, before slowing down and making her wait. Just five solid minutes of enjoying their time together, before the familiar tug in his stomach and the spark that starts in her tailbone and moves up her spine.

There is a moment right before a storm, when its inevitability becomes obvious. There is nothing funny in the way Raidou chases down Kurenai’s orgasm, or the way she touches herself, or the noises they make when it’s over. But there is something deeply funny about the way she looks at him over her shoulder and asks for them to do it again, as soon as he’s ready. He asks for at least twenty minutes and a change in location. _I’m never going to know peace in this life because of you_.

She says, with compete sincerity, _would you want to?_ He shakes his head— _no_.

**

Genma and Raidou have sat on the same bench to eat their lunch since they were kids. It’s a bit of routine that keeps them both sane, and it’s nice to pretend that it is still just the two of them. Genma bites into his sandwich while Raidou unpeels a banana.

“So,” Genma says, “Mirai is graduating today.” Kurenai is going to the ceremony. Raidou and Genma were both too busy to make it on time. Raidou nods.

“She was a baby like, yesterday.” He replies.

“It feels like she only just learned how to walk.” Genma swallows the food in his mouth. “Did you get her anything?”

“Yeah. You?”

“A pack of senbon,” Genma says, “I am going to teach her how to spit them at her enemies.” Raidou snorts.

“She’s not like you. Mirai is likable.” Genma frowns at him.

“I’ll have you know that it is an important life skill.” Genma takes another bite of his sandwich.

“Important life skill? I thought chewing on a senbon was just a bad habit.” Raidou replies, taking a bite of his banana.

“My _technique_ has saved your life.” Genma counters, his mouth full. He always looks very funny when he is mad, especially when he has food in his mouth. Like an angry chipmunk.

“Spitting out a senbon is a _technique_?” Raidou asks, sounding like a pretentious asshole on purpose. Genma swallows his food, deciding not to engage with Raidou today.

“Well, what did you get her?” he asks.

“A surprise,” Raidou says, “speaking of, I have to go get it.” He checks his watch as he takes another bite of the banana.

“What is it?”

“None of your beeswax,” Raidou stands up. “I’ll see you at home.” He walks away before Genma can say anything, peeling the rest of his banana and sticking it into his mouth.

**

Raidou is waiting for Mirai when she comes out of the academy, a new graduate. He couldn’t make it to the ceremony, but he did manage to make it on time to see her and Kurenai walking out of the academy. Mirai grins when she sees him, and she scampers over.

“Look!” She points at her forehead. Raidou kneels down, taking a good look at the metal headplate, the leaf carved into it. It’s shiny and new; it’s been a long time since he has seen one in pristine condition.

“Very nice,” he says. “You didn’t trip when you got it, right?”

“Of course not,” she says. Kurenai walks up to them, placing her hand on Mirai’s shoulder.

“I got you a present.” He says, reaching into his pocket. “Your mom and I planned it.” Mirai’s eyes light up, and she watches as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a velvet bag. Raidou places it in her open palm and raises his eyebrows at Kurenai as Mirai looks at it.

She opens it, and pulls out a silver chain, like the one Raidou wears. Mirai eyes it, smiling.

“It’s pretty,” she says.

“Unclasp it.” Mirai does as he asks, holding either end of the chain between a thumb and forefinger, as it swoops down in an arc. Raidou reaches for the rings on his right fingers and takes them off. He takes one end of the chain from her, and she watches him slide them onto the chain.

“These belonged to my brother,” he says, “one for chunnin, the other for jounin. His initials are in the band here.” Raidou points them out, and she leans in to look at them.

“I’m not either one of those things,” she replies. Raidou shrugs, which is something he does when he doesn’t want to let on how emotional he is feeling.

“You will be, one day.” He says, pointedly looking at the rings. “You’re going to do even better than either of us, and your mom and dad. I want him to be a piece of that.” He looks up at Mirai, who smiles at him. “Your mom has something else.” Mirai looks up at Kurenai, who takes two silver rings out of her pocket.

“These are your father and I’s wedding rings.” Kurenai says softly. She hands them to Raidou, who slides them onto the chain. “I think they would be a lot happier outside of my jewelry box.”

Mirai holds the chain up to her face, looking at the four rings together. It almost looks like an intentional piece of jewelry. Kurenai is the one who takes it and puts it around Mirai’s neck. When it’s clasped, Mirai picks up the rings and looks at them, hooking her little fingers inside of them. Mirai doesn't say anything. She gets why this is a huge gift. It’s hard to find words for feelings so big.

She feels very grown up and responsible. Raidou and her mom have given her something very important to cherish and look after.

“Thank you,” she says in a small voice. Kurenai leans down and kisses her head, while Raidou stands up.

“You won’t get my rings or chain until I’m dead, so it’s not like you don’t have something to look forward to.” Mirai and Kurenai frown at him at the same time, something which would be unnerving if he weren’t used to it. “You better get going. You don’t want to make Shikamaru look bad,” he says. Mirai nods and tucks her necklace into her shirt, before scampering off with a wave over her shoulder. Raidou crosses his arms, watching her back, while Kurenai watches him.

“This blows a pack of senbon out of the water,” he says. Kurenai smiles.

“I don’t know,” she hums, “it’s going to be pretty funny watching Genma _finally_ teach her how to spit out a senbon.” Mirai has wanted to learn for ages.

“Well,” he says, “I think our present is more thoughtful.” Kurenai presses herself to him and wraps her arms around his waist, looking up at him.

“It was a very sweet idea,” she says. “You’re getting soft in your old age.”

“My fingers are getting fat anyway,” he says, ignoring the joke about his age. He hasn’t gained any weight, so his fingers aren’t fatter, but she can tell that’s because he is feeling emotional about how big Mirai has gotten.

“I love you a lot,” she says, changing the subject.

“You better,” he replies, putting an arm around her shoulders.

“I would even say that I have always loved you.” She looks up at him with big eyes, batting her eyelashes obnoxiously. Raidou smiles.

“I know,” because, despite all of his attempts at doubt, they never stuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP here is, technically, the second last chapter. I got some filler to post too, but after that it is the last chapter and a little holiday surprise for you. You'll probably see them in two weeks. A lot is on my plate right now, and I feel like I've *earned* a break, in the sense that it should be very clear that this is going to be finished. 
> 
> Thanks for all of your sweet comments! These last few chapters have been mercifully boring, which I hope has been nice and relaxing after the pure fuckery of the first 21 chapters. There are no words for how I feel about your support, so I'll keep it simple: thank you.


	32. On Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is filler. Feel free to skip! 
> 
> CW: Kurenai thinks about her horrible teenage boyfriend.

“One of your eyes is/ always half-shut/ something happened when you were a kid”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Smoke Signals”

Kurenai sits on top of Genma’s thighs, pulling the skin at the top of belly button tight. There is a barbell, a few alcohol swabs and a lighter on his stomach.

“Don’t be a baby,” she says.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he replies. She works fast, piercing the needle through the skin. When it’s done, she threads the barbell through, and pulls out the needle. He didn’t even flinch.

She moves to lie down beside him, looking up at the ceiling of her parents’ house. They died a year ago today, and Genma told her that they should pierce his belly button to commemorate the first year of Kurenai’s orphanhood. She likes that he isn’t precious with her feelings. “Congratulations,” she hums, “you’re a man now.” Kurenai sits up and kisses his forehead and Genma screws his eyes shut.

“Disgusting.” He says, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. Kurenai grins at him before rolling onto her back.

**

Raidou rises above Kurenai, mumbling into her temple as he moves in and out. She is wrapped tight around him, biting her tongue, when it happens. Four ugly orange walls. Someone else on top. Wanting them to stop but knowing they wouldn’t. She tastes the memory on her tongue, and makes a face, clenching her whole body. Raidou stops on top of her, looking down. He looks concerned, and it makes her feel worse.

“Are you okay?” he asks. Kurenai, without thinking, blurts it all out.

“I don’t want to have sex anymore,” she says. Raidou nods and withdraws. She feels cold and empty without him, but also relieved. _He’s not like him. He’s not like him. He’s not like him_.

“Did something happen?” he asks. Kurenai, naked, shakes her head. His mouth twitches, but he doesn’t say anything when he goes into the bathroom.

They’re in his room in the barracks, and she listens to him hop into the shower, as she slowly begins to panic. She wonders if he is upset, if she hurt his feelings. She has never frozen like that with him, not while he is inside of her.

After he walks out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist, he walks over to his closet and pulls out a sweater for her to wear. He walks back over to the bed, and sits down, looking at her.

“Are we going to talk about it?” he asks. Kurenai sits up, taking the sweater from him. She says nothing, as she pulls it over her head. When she is done putting it on, she sighs.

“Are you mad?” she asks.

“Uh, no,” he says, “I just went into the shower to finish.” He looks a little sheepish. She frowns. Every so often, she will ask him a question he doesn’t understand, something she both likes and resents. “Why would I be mad at you?” Kurenai bites her lip.

“Because we stopped.” She says, pressing her thumbnail into her palm. He reaches for her hand, and takes a hold of her thumb, so she can’t hurt herself anymore.

“It’s not sex if one of us doesn’t want to be there,” he says quietly. He looks into her eyes, and he frowns when he senses shame. “Did something happen with that guy? Did he not stop?” Raidou is referring to the last person she was with, when she was fifteen. He always wondered why his brother and Himself sent her ex-boyfriend flying. Kurenai squirms.

That boyfriend didn’t listen to her, even when her discomfort was right there in front of him. She never formally withdrew consent, but there were a few times where she genuinely has no idea how he could have kept going; it hurt that bad. She doesn’t say anything, and Raidou squeezes her thumb.

“I’m just worried. You were here, and then you were faraway.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She is twenty-five and fifteen feels like a lifetime away. She hasn’t thought about it in years. But memory doesn’t care. It simply does what it does, and you’re along for the ride.

“Do you want a hug?” he asks. Kurenai nods and climbs onto him when he opens his arms. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his face into her neck. She wraps her arms around his head and plays with his hair.

“Thank you,” she says in a small voice. Raidou hums, and she doesn’t feel cold and empty anymore.

**

Aoba throws the bottles of Coke and Mountain Dew, a bag of barbecue chips and a pack of cigarettes onto the counter. The clerk looks at the pile and looks up at Aoba, who fishes his wallet out of the pocket of his flak jacket. “This is an interesting selection.”

“Well, what can you do,” Aoba hums, “when you live in a shoe?”

“Move to a boot!” Anko exclaims, and Aoba grins.

“Ding-ding, we have a winner!” He says, pulling out a few bills. The clerk takes the money without comment. Asuma grabs the Mountain Dew and tosses it to Anko, and then grabs the cigarettes.

“Thanks pal.” Asuma follows Anko as she stomps towards the exit. Aoba grabs his Coke and chips, waving at the clerk.

Anko unscrews the cap of the bottle as soon as she gets outside. It fizzes, but she doesn’t care. She walked up to Aoba and Asuma today and declared that she was never going to suck Genma’s dick again and that they had to go out and celebrate. Everyone else is out of town or doing work, so Aoba and Asuma didn’t have anyone to call in for back up.

She has had six beers on an empty stomach, so it is safe to say that she is in monster mode right now. “Fuck Genma.” The bag of chips makes a popping sound when Aoba opens it.

“Yeah, fuck Genma,” Aoba says, stuffing a chip into his mouth. Asuma side-eyes him.

“Isn’t being friends with Genma like, half of your personality?” he asks, sticking a cigarette into his mouth.

“Nope!” Anko shrieks, flapping her arms and getting Mountain Dew everywhere. She runs to Aoba’s side and wraps her arms around his middle. “Aoba is _my_ best friend.”

“Yeah,” he says, stuffing more chips into his mouth. Asuma rolls his eyes and starts walking, Aoba and Anko following him, with her arms still around his waist.

“I would stick my tongue in your ear,” she says to Aoba, who licks some chip dust off his fingers.

“You’re disgusting,” Aoba says, without a hint of irony, “this is why I can’t take you anywhere nice.”

“You two are a pair of fucking goblins,” Asuma says, unsurprised when neither of them responds.

They walk into the night, silent for a few minutes, when Aoba stops walking. He looks down at Anko, tilting his head. “So, Anko,” Aoba says, “are we still going to pretend that this isn’t a bender?”

“I’d call it a cry for help.” Asuma says, turning back to look at them.

“I’m not on a bender,” she whines, stuffing her face into Aoba’s armpit. Asuma’s mouth twitches when he realizes that she has sloshed most of her Mountain Dew onto Aoba, and that it doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. “I’m happy.”

“Happy people don’t drink Mountain Dew,” Asuma says, “that shit is poison.”

“You smoke!” She shoots back. Aoba raises his arms flaps his hands up and down, in a ‘calm down’ sort of gesture. The chips shake around in the bag.

“Anko, we’re just trying to tell you that we’re worried,” he says. “You’ve been a bummer all night.” They left the bar because Anko burst into tears at the table. Aoba had to usher her out as Asuma paid the bill, swearing that neither of them were the reason she was so upset.

“I’m just…” she trails off, sighing. “I feel very lost.”

“You should write a song about it,” Aoba says. Asuma gives him an unimpressed look and Anko makes a choking noise in her throat. “I’m serious! We could be a sad girl band. Asuma can play the drums, I’ll play the guitar and you can sing about how sad you are all the time.”

“Absolutely not,” Asuma says. Aoba frowns.

“I believe in the vision,” he says, “C’mon, it’ll be so much fun. I’ll start us off with lyrics. ‘Da da dum/ I am a sad girl/ da da dum/ I am really maladjusted.’ See?” Anko presses her whole face into Aoba’s side, but they both hear her giggle. Asuma sighs.

“Da da dum/ I’m a sad girl/ da da dum/ I really need a hobby.” Asuma says. Aoba cackles in response, because he never thought that Asuma could be that cutting. Asuma even pretends to hit invisible drums.

“Da da dum/ I’m a sad girl/ da da dum/ I really need a shower.” Aoba says.

“Da da dum/ I’m a sad girl/ da da dum/ I really hate my life.” Asuma hums.

“You two aren’t funny,” Anko says, laughing. Aoba and Asuma grin at her.

“I’ll even learn how to play the ukulele for your vision.” Aoba says.

“Can you not!” She says, “I’m trying to have an interpersonal crisis!”

“But if you write a chart-topping song, Genma will have to suffer for months,” Aoba says, “I just want to you be happy.” She presses her face into his side and smiles.

Aoba looks down at her, smiling, and gives Asuma a thumbs up. They finally cheered her up.

**

Yamato watches Yuugao grind her teeth and cross her arms while she is on the phone. He can’t believe that she is really doing this at a temple, of all places, but he supposes that life hasn’t been very fair to her, recently.

The night she and Raidou broke up, they booked train tickets to Kyoto and filed vacation paperwork the next day. Raidou is picking up his things over the next two weeks, and Yuugao is trying to coordinate his move. Right now, they are fighting over their plants. Raidou only wants to take a pothos and jade, but Yuugao wants him to take all the plants Kurenai gave them. She wants every reminder of Kurenai gone. Raidou, who is moving into a room in Kurenai’s house, keeps insisting that he doesn’t have room for ‘ten plants Kurenai didn’t want anyway.’ Yuugao is close to tears.

“This isn’t about what Kurenai wants, Raidou,” she hisses into the phone. “Have you ever thought that if you didn’t think so much about her, maybe we wouldn’t be here?” That’s a lie, one that Raidou evidently calls her out on. Yuugao’s face scrunches up, and Yamato can see the tears forming. He steps up to Yuugao and gently takes her phone out of her hand. She looks at him with big, sad eyes, and he feels his chest lock up.

When he puts it to his ear, he is treated to Raidou explaining why, exactly, the two of them are breaking up. He isn’t doing it meanly, but neither is he being gentle. “Raidou?” Yamato clears his throat.

“Yeah?” Raidou huffs.

“I am going to hang up now.” Raidou beats him to it. Yamato hands Yuugao her phone, as she blinks at him. “It was going nowhere.” She sniffles but doesn’t say anything. They came here get away, not to get stuck on Raidou.

“I’m sorry,” she says, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “I shouldn’t have called him.”

“It’s fine,” Yamato says, “I’ll take the plants you don’t want. We’ll be okay.” She nods, looking around the temple.

“We should take a picture.”

“A picture?” he asks. She nods.

“For posterity,” she says, “to prove we were here.” She doesn’t want to think about Raidou living with Kurenai and her baby. She’s actually quite angry that he is moving in with her, but on the other hand, where else would he go? He is not a very independent person, and it’s a quality that always attracted Yuugao.

She loops her arm in Yamato’s and precedes to look around. “We should act like we’re a couple.”

“Why?” he whines.

“Most men would love to be with me,” she says.

“I like civilian girls who don’t give me trouble,” he replies. She pouts at him.

“I don’t give you trouble.” She says, squeezing his arm. Yamato smiles.

“Because we aren’t dating,” he hums, “that’s the magic of friendship.” She spots an older couple and drags Yamato towards them. _Excuse me, could you take a picture of my boyfriend and I? It’s our anniversary._ Yamato, who is a good sport, goes along with it.

When the picture is developed, it’s impossible to tell that Yuugao had been in tears minutes before. That is how happy Yamato makes her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aoba and Anko are the trashy Yamato and Yuugao. I wish I spent more time with them.
> 
> I don't think I've mentioned this before, but this whole time (like, all 33 chapters and counting, but especially this chapter) I listened to "The Path of Wind (Instrumental)" from the My Neighbour Totoro" soundtrack. A fun fact.


	33. A Series of Misadventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aoba and Anko Filler. Feel free to skip!

“Half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom floor”

Lorde, “The Louvre”

The story of how Aoba and Anko became best friends goes like this: when they were eight years old, they were playing in Aoba’s mom’s garden. Digging in the dirt, Aoba picked up a worm and held it up. It wiggled in the air, and Anko tilted her head as she watched it, transfixed. She opened her mouth to say something, which is when Aoba placed the worm in her mouth.

Anko doesn’t bite down, or sputter, or squeal. She calmy tilts her head down and drops the worm onto her open palm. She places the worm in the dirt, and they both watch it slither away.

“Why did you do that?” she asks.

“Your mouth was open, and I thought it would be funny,” Aoba replies, “it’s cool that you didn’t scream like a baby. Obito, Genma and Asuma would have freaked out.” He wouldn’t dare with Ibiki, and Guy is too sweet and harmless to pick on. Shizune would drop kick him and Kurenai would sic Raidou on him, who is too big for him to fight off. Kakashi would never leave himself open. Rin is too nice to play tricks on.

Anko grins at him, before leaning forward and licking his forehead. Aoba blinks at her, before he realizes that she just covered him with worm germs.

“Gross!” Aoba leaps back. Anko holds her stomach, laughing.

“You look so dumb.”

“You should be in _jail_.” He counters. Anko flashes her serpentine grin, and Aoba falls a little bit in love, feeling a cosmic pull he has never felt towards anyone ever, not even his mother or father.

That’s when he decides that Anko is going to be his best friend.

**

Anko sits next to the toilet, watching Aoba puke. He has, quote unquote, greened out. Every so often, he has a bad reaction to weed. If he wasn’t stoned at every opportunity, it probably wouldn’t happen as frequently.

His face is pretty much in the toilet bowl, and Anko puts her hand on the back of his head. She runs her fingers through his hair. “Maybe you’re pregnant.” Aoba pulls his head out of the toilet and glares at her.

“Not funny,” he says. Anko smirks.

“It’s kinda funny.”

“Go to hell,” he replies, before another wave hits.

“I’ll save you a seat,” she says, rubbing the back of his neck.

**

The first person Anko calls when Genma’s promotion from drug buddy doesn’t work out, the first time, is not Aoba. Rather, it is Asuma. Aoba dropped his phone in the toilet and took Asuma with him to replace it. When Asuma picks up the phone and hears Anko’s blubbering, he immediately hands it off to Aoba, who decides that the two of them are going to see her, right away. He did not consult Asuma on this, and when he tried to back out of it, Aoba asked, _do you want to break her heart all over again?_ Aoba’s voice got all serious and Asuma thought that he was going to melt down into a little puddle. So, he agreed to tag along.

Aoba went home first and packed a duffel bag, and then he and Asuma went to Anko’s apartment. Having a key, Aoba lets them in. The apartment is all dark, the lights off and curtains drawn. Aoba, who is used to her gremlin-like qualities, whistles as he kicks his shoes off, while Asuma wonders if this is where he’ll die.

Besides being completely dark, there is also the distinct smell of someone who hasn’t showered and has been wearing the same sweatpants for three days straight and hasn’t opened a window. Asuma wrinkles his nose, while Aoba, unfazed, traipses in.

“Anko,” he calls, “where are you?” Aoba walks over to the big window and pulls the curtains open. He turns around to see Anko lying on the couch, in a giant t-shirt, full of holes and tissue thin, and a pair of boxers. Her hair is down, and her face is expressionless. She doesn’t treat Genma well, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.

“Aoba,” she says, “Asuma.” They walk over to her. She is lies there, as if she were on her deathbed.

“Why so glum, chum?” Aoba asks, sitting down on her legs. Anko sighs.

“Genma doesn’t want to see me anymore.” She sounds empty.

“So, you’re going to stay inside and not shower?” Asuma asks. Anko nods.

“What are you trying to accomplish?” Aoba says, “are you trying to preserve Genma’s dick germs?” Asuma makes a face, wondering why he is even there.

The truth is that Anko can’t find it in herself to stand up, walk to the bathroom, take off her clothes and shower. All of her self-loathing, which she tries very hard to compartmentalize, is leaking into her vital organs. _There goes my liver_. It wasn’t the booze or the pills, but self-hatred that did it. She is in love with Genma, but she is never going to treat him right. It doesn’t matter how many times he makes her come, or makes her laugh, or makes her feel things, her behavior won’t change. Each time he tries to get closer, she steps back. She knows she does it too, which makes it even worse. _He deserves better_. It sucks to admit it, but it’s the truth. She’s not trying to preserve him, so much as she doesn’t have the strength to let go of him. It’s the same way in which she doesn’t have the strength to step up for him.

 _I am pathetic_.

Anko looks at Aoba, and bursts into tears. She sits up, sobbing like she’s dying. “I want him back,” she cries. Asuma sighs and walks over to the bathroom to get her some toilet paper to wipe her snot. She doesn’t believe in Kleenex.

Anko wraps her arms around Aoba’s waist, and presses her face into his upper arm. Aoba nods.

“I know. That’s why I’m going to stay here until you feel better.”

“You won’t leave?” she asks.

“Not until you are showering and doing your laundry again.” He smiles down at her. “Now, let’s get really and truly stupid high with Asuma.”

“You two would do that?” she asks.

“For you? Anything.” Aoba looks across the room, where Asuma steps out of the bathroom. “Isn’t that right Asuma?”

“My love for you knows no bounds,” Asuma drawls, walking up to Anko with a roll of toilet paper.

“Thanks,” she sniffles, “I appreciate it.”

“Cool,” Aoba says, “do you think you can go shower? You smell pretty bad.” Anko smirks and moves quickly. She pushes Aoba off of the couch, climbs on top of him and puts her armpit right in his face. Aoba squeals and Asuma steps back, watching them roll across the floor.

**

Anko sits at the table, chin resting on her fist, staring out at the street. She got a spot on the patio, and she is waiting for Aoba to show up so they can get stinking drunk. She’s in a mood tonight, so she might flash her tits if she gets bored. She sighs, loudly, trying not to think of her and Genma’s last regrettable encounter. The last time is always the last time, until it’s late and she’s lonely enough to crawl back to him.

They stared up at the ceiling last night, afterwards. He told her that he had a date the next day. _I’m trying to move on_. Anko said nothing. She just got up, pulled her dress over her head and stuffed her bra and underpants into her pocket before heading home.

She wasn’t even going to leave her apartment today, afraid of running into Genma and his date, but Aoba called her and said that he wanted to get so drunk that he destroys some braincells. She is about to call him when a pair of hands grab her head. Aoba stands behind her and kisses her crown. “Hi, you weird, filthy little pervert,” he says, walking to sit across from her.

“There is nothing weird about being a pervert.” She replies.

“ _Au contraire_ ,” he says, “I haven’t been able to look at you and Genma the same since you told all of us that he doesn’t hit you hard enough.”

“I’ll never say anything as freaky as Kurenai,” Anko replies. Aoba laughs.

“She isn’t into being degraded, she just told Raidou that he could do it,” he says, “she’s not bossy at all. As long as it’s Raidou dicking her down, she doesn’t care. You? You’re bossy. I bet Genma has to do a lot to make you happy.”

“Fuck you,” Anko says, “I am definitely way less demanding than Kurenai.”

“Sure,” Aoba says, “you two are the reasons I date civilian girls who don’t give me problems.”

“Problems?”

“Code for doesn’t treat me like dirt and get mad when I move on,” Aoba picks up a menu, opening it. Anko is about to say something rude, when she spots Genma following a girl into a bar across the street. Her face twitches, and Aoba turns around to see what’s bugging her. He frowns, before looking back at Anko. “We can go somewhere else, if you want.”

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “It’s fine. We are going to stay here and destroy some braincells.”

“That’s the spirit,” he grins.

**

Anko sticks a chicken nugget in her mouth, sitting next to Aoba while he watches a movie. A sex scene comes on, and while the two leads breath all over each other, panting and fake moaning, Anko swallows her mouthful of chicken.

“No one wears a bra and panties while they have sex unless they have to or if there is no time to get naked.” She says, looking up at Aoba.

“You probably have ratty underwear,” he says, “you’re a mess.”

“Do not,” she says, “I’ll have you know that my underwear is very nice.” Aoba hums, which is how she can tell that he doesn’t really believe her.

The sex scene drags on, and Aoba snorts when a particularly ridiculous moan comes out of the receptive partner.

“Sex scenes in movies are so lame,” he says, “say what you want about porn, at least it accepts that it’s kinda bad.”

“What’s the weirdest porno you’ve watched?” Anko asks. Aoba looks up at the ceiling, thinking.

“I jerked it to a fifty-year old man fucking a girl in her twenties,” he says. Anko snorts.

“That’s disgusting.”

“It was pretty vanilla, actually. I was clicking through while I was jerking it and eventually, I just had to choose something and finish.” He sighs, “I mostly watch that amateur stuff. I’m really not that complex.” He closes his mouth as he shrugs.

“I only watch lesbian porn,” she says, “the men in porn scare me.” Genma is, in all honesty, the only man she’s slept with who doesn’t scare her.

“Maybe you just like girls,” Aoba says. Anko makes a face.

“I don’t know,” she says, “I like sleeping with men, and I fell in love with Genma.” She’s never felt that way about anyone before, which is why she treats him so badly.

“Genma is a lesbian,” he snorts. Anko giggles.

“He eats me out like one,” she says. Aoba makes a choking noise.

“Why do you all insist on me knowing the graphic details of your relationships? This is worse than the time Kurenai was high and told me that Raidou and Asuma both have beautiful dicks.” That happened a few weeks ago, and Aoba hasn’t recovered.

“Here,” Anko dips a chicken nugget into ketchup and presses it to his lips. He struggles, but she eventually succeeds at shoving the nugget into his mouth. “This will make you feel better.”

He swallows the nugget whole and turns to glare at her. “I could have choked, Anko.”

“But you didn’t,” she says innocently, putting a nugget in her mouth. Aoba narrows his eyes.

“This why no one will ever make you a mother,” he turns back, crossing his arms. Anko shrugs,

“You’re my big baby,” she says, her mouth full.

“A mother wouldn’t tell her son about how her sexual partner eats her out.” Aoba huffs.

“Don’t you know? Genma is your daddy,” Anko swallows loudly. “Don’t talk about your father that way.” Aoba groans, loudly. Anko stick another chicken nugget in her mouth, grinning to herself.

**

Rolling onto his side, Aoba stares at the clock on his bedside table. Anko lies beside him, snoring loudly. They took ecstasy last night, and Aoba can feel it. He sees the time. It is 3 PM, and their day off is pretty much over. Aoba can’t control what happens next.

He has absolutely no serotonin in his system, and this mild disappointment grows into an unbearable psychic pain. He starts sobbing, his whole body shaking, and he presses his face into his pillow. Five minutes pass, and his tears aren’t abating. All he can do is ride them out. _This is what I get for taking two pills instead of one._ He had wanted to extend his high, so in all truth, he did this to himself.

Aoba is so busy blaming himself, that he doesn’t hear when Anko stops snoring, nor does he feel when she sits up on her elbows, her hair sticking up in weird directions.

“You big dummy,” she sighs, “I told you this would happen.”

“I am k-keenly,” Aoba hiccups, “a-aware.” Anko reaches for the blanket he keeps at the end of his bed and shakes it out. She swaddles Aoba, getting up to tuck the blanket all around him. She strokes his hair and kisses his ear the way his mom does.

“It’s okay,” she says quietly.

“I-I know,” he says, still crying. “I-I didn’t t-think I-I’d crash this h-hard.”

“I should have stopped you,” she says.

“I-I wouldn’t h-have listened,” he sobs.

“Do you want water?” she asks in a soft voice.

“N-no,” he says, “I-I just want you to s-stay h-here.” The last thing Aoba wants is to be left alone with his depleted serotonin receptors. Anko presses herself to his back, her hand over his side.

“Okay,” she says quietly, breathing on the back of his neck. He calms down and falls back asleep, but she stays until he wakes up for real this time.

**

Anko sits across the table from Raidou, watching him talk to a waitress. Yuugao is talking to Yamato and Kakashi a few feet away, while Kurenai and Asuma are across the bar, talking to Genma and Shizune. Aoba sits beside her, but he is talking to Guy. Ibiki, who is quote unquote ‘too old for this shit,’ didn’t bother coming.

Her arms are crossed, and her jaw is clenched, watching Raidou smile at a woman other than Yuugao or Kurenai. He has a soulless look in his eyes, when he talks to other women. Only people close to him can tell. Raidou’s eyes are duller, and his smile is off. It’s like he is trying to be happy. He doesn’t have to try with Yuugao or Kurenai. Happiness simply manifests.

It’s the same for Yuugao and Kurenai too. Kurenai still loves him, and Yuugao is going to fall in love with him. Anko knows the way all women do. The curve of a lip, subtle looks from across the bar. Yuugao keeps checking him out and Kurenai keeps her back to him. It enrages Anko to see so much attention wasted on a man.

And look, she knows that she is in no position to judge other people and their relationships, but she cannot stand to sit here and watch Raidou talk to another girl, because it reminds her of what she did to Genma. _You’re wasting time_. The waitress walks away, and Raidou smiles at her back before he turns back to see Anko glaring at him.

“What?” he asks, stupidly.

“You’re a coward.” She says on impulse. Raidou frowns at her.

“What?” he asks.

“You heard me!” She stands up, leaning across the table. The escalation makes no sense to Raidou, who gives her stupid look. He has no clue why she would be mad at him.

“Why are you yelling?” he asks. Anko eyes Yuugao, who is now staring at her, and Kurenai, whose back is stiff.

“Raidou,” Anko says, “you are one big, fucking dummy.”

“What?” he asks, watching her as she climbs onto the table, so she is nose-to-nose with him. Raidou backs away.

“You really don’t know?” she asks. Raidou balances on the back legs of his chair.

“I really don’t,” he says, “I’m just trying to have a nice time.”

“Talking to waitresses?” Anko asks. She feels Aoba’s hand on her calf, but she doesn’t turn back.

“Uh, I wanted a beer.” Raidou tilts his head. “Are you mad or something?”

“I’m not mad, just disappointed.”

“Is that why you are on the table?” Raidou asks. Anko always starts trouble, but it’s usually the fun kind. Like, flashing her tits or dancing on the table. She’s normally entertaining, rather than menacing.

“I’m on the table because you are an asshole.” Anko puts her face right up in Raidou’s, and several things happen at once.

Raidou moves his face away from hers, throwing off his balance. He falls onto his back, squeaking. Anko goes to crawl over the table, but she feels Aoba’s hand wrap around her ankle. Raidou frowns, rubbing the back of his head.

“What the hell,” he mutters. He moves off the chair, frowning up at her. Yuugao comes up behind him, kneeling at his back.

“You are such an ingrate!” Anko says, ignoring the way Yuugao’s eyes flash up at her and the way Kurenai comes towards the table.

“Why?” he says.

“Because you are wasting time!” Anko yells, “you are wasting everyone’s time!” She opens her mouth, but she feels a hand clamp down over it. An arm comes around her waist. She grunts as she is lifted up, up. She struggles, but Aoba, who has been paying attention this whole time, has no interest in watching this fight.

Anko narrows her eyes at Raidou, who is still clueless, while Yuugao rubs his back and murmurs something to him. Kurenai stands a few feet away, her arms crossed, glowering at Yuugao. Aoba holds Anko close and looks for a way out.

“Looks like it’s a little soon for Anko and I to hang out with you losers. Sorry,” Aoba spots an opening, “Guy, I’ll pay you back if you cover the bill.” Aoba doesn’t bother to wait for an answer, as Anko starts struggling. Aoba marches them out of the bar, and he manages to prevent her from injuring any bystanders on their way to the door.

**

Sometimes, when Kurenai is out on a mission and his genin are otherwise occupied, Asuma likes to get really, really high. Like, so high that all he can do is grin stupidly and feel tingly all over. Kurenai says pot makes him stupid, as if that weren’t the precise reason, he likes to get so high. Intelligence is a curse; just look at Kakashi.

Asuma sits on the couch, smiling to himself, while Aoba sits at the table, putting a few pills of Dexedrine into a baggie while Anko sits on the kitchen table, eating chips. It’s taking Aoba awhile to load the bag, because he keeps giggling when he looks at the tiny pink pills. Anko occasionally places a chip in his mouth, and Asuma is so high it doesn’t even bother him when he realizes that Anko’s fingers sometimes end up in Aoba’s mouth before reaching into the bag for another chip.

“Bro,” he says, “I fucking love pot.” Aoba snaps his fingers and giggles while Anko shakes her bag in agreement.

“Bro, I’m glad you started coming back,” she says, “Raidou and Kakashi aren’t as chill as you.”

“And Genma’s dick has been in Anko’s mouth.” Aoba says, finally getting the pills into the bag. “Ibiki and Guy are kinda fun,” Asuma says.

“They aren’t very bro-y.” Anko speaks with her mouth full, “you, on the other hand, are a certified bro.” Asuma shrugs. It’s a compliment.

He is so high he doesn’t even jump when he hears a knock. Asuma watches Aoba stand up and walk to the front door. Aoba is speaking to a familiar soft voice, and he smiles when Yuugao walks into the room. She waves timidly at Asuma and Anko as Aoba picks up the baggie he’d been packing with pills. Anko pops another chip in her mouth, finding it funny that Yuugao is acting so demure when she is picking up drugs from Aoba, like she hasn’t spent time with all of them.

“Hi Yuugao,” Asuma says, a dopey grin on his face. “How are you?”

“I’m alright,” she says, standing awkwardly. She’s in one of her short, fitted dresses, her hair in a ponytail. Asuma doesn’t want to put her on the spot, but she looks way too pretty to be hanging out with the three of them.

“Got a date?” Anko asks, sucking the chip dust off of her thumb. Yuugao smiles softly.

“Raidou and I are going to see a movie,” she says quietly.

“You look way too hot to be sitting in a dark movie theatre,” Anko says, turning to Asuma. “Isn’t that true?” Asuma smiles.

“Honestly, yeah,” he says, “I agree.” He’s stupid in love with Kurenai, but he still has eyes. Yuugao tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“You’re still in the phase where you think you have to look nice for Raidou,” Anko says, “it’s cute, but you’re already too hot for him. Besides, you could wear a potato sack, and still look good.” Yuugao finds it very awkward to talk about her looks. She isn’t used to people being so forthright. Sensing her discomfort, Asuma swoops in.

“How’s Raidou?” he asks sitting up. Yuugao smiles to herself, clearly infatuated.

“He’s good,” she says, “really, really good. He’s going to help me fix some things around my apartment tomorrow. I needed some Dexedrine anyways, so I figured we could split one and do housecleaning.” They all blink at her as she says this like Raidou is taking her somewhere nice.

“Housecleaning?” Aoba says, “you’re going to take drugs and clean up your apartment?”

“Well, there’s a wobbly table and a few paintings I want to hang up.” Yuugao counts these tasks on her fingers, “I want to hang up a few plants, and I can’t clean behind the oven without someone helping me move it…” Yuugao trails off, “I won’t bore you with the details.”

“Do you lock your door at night?” Aoba asks.

“Why?” she replies.

“Answer the question.” Anko says.

“Yes, of course.”

“That settles it,” Aoba says, “Asuma, you have no need to worry, Raidou has found his dream girl.” Asuma shrugs off the comment, while Yuugao tries not to beam.

“You think?”

“I know,” Aoba says, “Raidou was always bitching at Kurenai about locking her door.” Anko nods, offering Yuugao a chip. She politely declines with a wave of her hand.

“It’s true,” Asuma says, “you make him really happy, I can tell.” They may not be exclusive yet, but it’s a matter of when not if. Yuugao smiles at him, because Asuma’s opinion means the most to her, out of the three. He doesn’t say anything unless he absolutely means it.

“How is Kurenai?” Yuugao asks. Asuma’s face almost cracks apart as he smiles, and his eyes glaze over. Anko snorts.

“I know that face,” she says, “don’t we Aoba?”

“Oh, I’d know the ‘I can’t believe Kurenai picked me’ face anywhere,” Aoba says. “It’s eerily similar to the ‘I’m so high I can’t feel my face,’ which is my personal favorite of all the stupid faces he makes.”

“I think it’s sweet that you like her so much,” Yuugao says, smiling at Asuma. He nods, not wanting to ruin his feelings by putting them into words. She turns her attention back to Aoba, who holds out a baggie of ten pills. She frowns, because she only asked for five.

“That’s more than I asked for,” she says, taking it from him, “how much do I owe you?” Aoba snorts, looking at Anko, who answers Yuugao’s question.

“You’ll always get free drugs from us, just for sitting on Raidou’s dick once.” She says, “you didn’t need drugs to be around Hayate—”

“May he rest in peace,” Aoba says. Yuugao’s lip twitches at the comment. She has started to see Hayate at the corner of her eye. She calls him Daydream Hayate, and while he is harmless, she doesn’t want people to know she is seeing things. It’s made accepting his loss easier, feeling like he is still watching out for her.

“May he rest in peace,” Anko repeats, “so here, enjoy your reward for sleeping with a miserable asshole.”

“He’s not an asshole,” Yuugao says softly. She looks a little hurt.

“He’s really not that bad.” Asuma chimes in, standing up to get some chips from Anko.

“Yeah, when his dick isn’t in Kurenai’s mouth!” Anko cackles, and Aoba snorts. Asuma sighs, while the blood drains from Yuugao’s face. Raidou is always embarrassed by Aoba and Anko, pre-emptively apologizing for them. Hayate used to find them funny, but Yuugao now knows why Raidou feels differently.

“Good one,” Aoba sighs, wiping a tear from his eye, “that was really funny, Anko.”

“I’m an entertainer,” she winks. “I personally think you two would be the cuter couple. Don’t you think, Aoba?”

“It’s not hard to be prettier than Raidou and it’s pretty lateral between Yuugao and Kurenai,” Aoba says, “no offense, Yuugao.” She looks up at Asuma, who is shrugging off this conversation.

“I would watch that sex tape,” Anko says, looking right at Yuugao, just to freak her out. Yuugao turns bright pink, and Asuma has a very stupid look on his face as he tries, very hard, not to think about being inside of Yuugao. He’s pretty high, so it’s hard to compartmentalize.

“That’s such a dumb joke,” he says, “even for you, Anko.”

“I’m just telling you two to keep your options open,” she says, “isn’t that right Aoba?”

“I would like you all to stop shitting where you eat and making it my problem,” he says. Last week, he told the guys, _all our problems could be solved forever if you stopped putting your dicks in our female friends_. Asuma puts a hand on Yuugao’s shoulder.

“They mean well,” he says.

“And we gave you free pills!” Aoba says, “you’re welcome.”

“Thank you,” Yuugao says, excusing herself. Asuma watches her leave, and when he turns back, both Aoba and Anko are staring at him.

“What?”

“I think your type is whoever Raidou is fucking.” Anko says, as Aoba picks up a joint. Asuma rolls his eyes, reaching into his pocket to toss Aoba a lighter.

_Shut up._

**

Anko lies down on Aoba’s couch, filing her nails as he sits on the floor of his living room, organizing their cache of substances. Pills, powder, plants; you name it, they have it. Aoba shakes a baggie of purple pills with smiley faces stamped into them. He doesn’t recall what theses ones are supposed to do. _Maybe I have done too many drugs_. He looks up at Anko, who wears a giant t-shirt with holes in the armpit and tiny shorts. The black lace of her bra shows through the thin white cotton, and he can see that she hasn’t shaved in months.

“Let’s play fuck, marry, kill.” Anko says. Aoba decides to create a pile of pills, setting the purple baggie down.

“Alright,” he says, “think of a good one.”

“This is one I’ve wanted to ask you for a while,” she says.

“Shoot.”

“Fuck, marry, kill: Asuma, Raidou, Kakashi.” She says, “and you don’t get to just lock the door and jump up and down on a mattress and pretend you’re fucking.”

“You are a sick and twisted individual,” Aoba replies, picking up a baggie of pink pills, and setting it aside.

“A dick has to go in your mouth.” She says, sitting up.

“Your dick is already there,” he hums, “I have no room for anyone else.”

“Someone has to come in your mouth, and you have to swallow,” Anko smirks. Aoba doesn’t even blink, holding a baggie up to his face.

“Are you going to use this for your spank bank?” he asks.

“Maybe,” she says, just to gross him out.

“I bet your vagina has teeth,” he says, “you’ll be thinking of me with one of our friends’ dicks in my mouth, and you’ll stick a finger or two in there and CHOMP!” He pulls his lips back in a grimace so she can see his teeth as he closes his mouth shut.

“Yeah, yeah,” she says, “hurry up and give me my new sexual fantasy.”

“Hmm. Well, I’d kill Kakashi because he, out of the three, deserves the most mercy.” Aoba says, looking for more bags of pills. “Holy shit, Anko, how many drugs do we take?”

“Don’t change the topic.” She replies. Aoba pauses, thinking.

“Well, I’d want to fuck Raidou because then I’d know why Kurenai and Yuugao are obsessed with him.” He says, “it has to be because of his dick. There is just no other explanation.”

“He’s cute,” Anko says.

“Eh,” Aoba says, “none of the guys get it.”

“Because none of you want someone to put a baby in you.” Anko says, “you’d get it if you had a womb. Raidou is a very primal kind of handsome.”

“And you think we’re the pervs.” Aoba huffs, “meanwhile, you girls are diddling—”

“Diddling?” Anko scoffs. Aoba crosses his arms and doubles down.

“Diddling yourselves to poor Raidou, the most miserable motherfucker next to Kakashi. For _shame_.” Aoba says.

“So, you’d marry Asuma?” she asks.

“He would treat me right,” Aoba says, “I would be way nicer than Kurenai, too. I wouldn’t run around with Raidou on him. I’m loyal.” He emphasizes the last word. “My turn.”

“Okay,” Anko says, “fuck me up.”

“No, I’ll give you an easy one. Mine was pretty win-win, all around.” He replies.

“That’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said,” she says, standing up. Aoba smirks.

“Well, look at my options. I would take one of the assholes I go drinking with over you girls any day.” He declares, gesturing with his arms.

“I can’t blame you.” She says, “so, who am I choosing between?”

“Yuugao, Shizune, Kurenai.” He says, “I thought about putting Tsunade in there, but she’s our Hokage and as such, deserves some respect.”

Anko stretches up, making a ‘hmmm,’ sound. Her shirt rides up her tummy, and he sees the belly button piercing Kurenai gave her. “I would marry Yuugao.”

“Solid choice,” Aoba says, “she’s the only kunoichi I would consider dating.”

“I would kill Kurenai, and I guess I’d have to fuck Shizune.” Aoba cackles, because never, has he ever heard someone say that they would a) pass up the chance to fuck Kurenai and b) that they would shrug at the prospect of fucking Shizune.

“Kill Kurenai? You ‘guess’ you’d have to fuck Shizune?” he asks, “do you know how many guys would kill to even show up on their radar?” He wants to shout _THE AUDACITY_ but to be fair, Anko isn’t an entitled man.

“Kurenai’s sexuality is fucking Raidou or Asuma, she would be no fun.” Anko says, “and Shizune isn’t an intense person. I imagine she’s very laidback.”

“You know, I asked Raidou this question with these exact choices, and he threatened to put me through a wall,” Aoba says, “so maybe they are all crazy in their own way.”

“Raidou isn’t a fucking asshole,” Anko replies, stepping over the drugs, “he thinks he is, but he really isn’t.” She can tell by the way that Shizune and Kurenai talk about him, and the way Yuugao gloms onto him. Assholes don’t inspire that kind of loyalty. “Yuugao is the only one who comes close to deserving him.”

“I always thought he and Genma would be cute,” Aoba says, “they would treat each other right.” Anko makes a noise in her throat, and Aoba side-eyes her. “You cannot be offended. You treat Genma like shit.”

“I do not.”

“You ignore his texts and calls for weeks,” Aoba says, “he asks me where you are, and what am I supposed to say? ‘Sorry Genma, she’s fucking this loser we met at a rave two years ago because she has destroyed all of her serotonin receptors and is therefore, incapable of actual emotional intimacy.’ Is that what I should tell him?” Anko is his best friend, but he won’t lie to her. Anko makes an annoyed noise and walks away, which is how he knows that she is frustrated with him.

“Just tell him that I’ll get back to him.”

“That’s even worse.” Aoba says. She flips him off, and he shrugs, turning back to his pile of baggies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Team! I am super busy with with work and the end stages of my thesis. The final chapter and the little alternate story I'm working on for you guys are on my radar, but they are going to be long, and I don't have the time to sit down and dedicate huge chunks of time to them. I know I said Christmas, but it may not happen. You guys have been so great and patient and wonderful about letting me experiment and ramble and veer off course, and I truly appreciate it. 
> 
> I know this is filler, but my friend and I were playing "Fuck, Marry, Kill" and this popped into my head. Aoba and Anko's friendship is wholesome and makes me happy. Thanks for the patience!


	34. And the Sun is Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another ten years pass.

“the past is still the past”

Sufjan Stevens, “Should’ve Known Better”

"I have everything I wanted"

Phoebe Bridgers, "Garden Song"

The universe is full of things that seem inevitable: birth, death, taxes. But there is just enough chance to keep you guessing.

Raidou sits across from Kurenai, reading the paper and drinking coffee. He’s turned into the kind of middle-aged man who likes to sit in his sweatpants, wear an old, hole-y t-shirt and read the paper. He has reading glasses too, and he makes a pinched expression when he reads something extra dumb. He’s very cute, if Kurenai were asked. Mirai would say that he looks irritated. Genma would take it further and say he looks constipated. _It’s like all the shit in the world blocks him up_.

“Kurenai,” Raidou says, “did you know that there was a War on _Terror_? Can you believe it? How can you wage war on a _concept_?” he scoffs. Kurenai doesn’t bother saying that it is old news, like decades old, and that she is sure that there is an entirely new concept that war is being waged on.

“The world is a mysterious place,” she says, sipping her own coffee. Raidou flips the page, engrossed. “My dad used to read the paper.”

“Really?” he says, “Moms read the paper in our house. My dad read the comics to us.” Kurenai smiles.

“Read me a comic.”

“You want me to read a comic out to you?” he asks, blinking at her. Kurenai nods.

“Just one,” she holds up her pointer finger, “then you can go back to reading about wars.” She doesn’t even need to make puppy eyes at him. He sets the section he was reading aside and finds the one with the comics.

“What kind of comic do you want?” he asks, “wholesome, dirty, depressing, punny, stupid?”

“A comic you’d read to Mirai and Genma, if they were here.” Raidou rolls his eyes.

“They don’t appreciate culture like you.” One thing that has stayed the same, in their five decades of knowing each other, is that they still have the same taste in music, movies and art. “And they aren’t here.”

“Right,” she hums, “they are protecting Naruto while he is out in Kiri.” Raidou nods.

“She took my place, so I could take a vacation.” He is on day four, of a two-week vacation and has only talked to Kurenai in that whole time. He catches up on cleaning and yard work, when he and Kurenai aren’t fucking around. Yesterday, he snuck up on her in the backyard and dumped a cup of cold water on her head. She nearly killed him, until she didn’t. _And Genma says I never stand up for myself_.

“I never thought she’d be a bodyguard,” Kurenai says. Raidou shrugs.

“It pays well,” he says, “the work is steady.”

“I think she is doing it because you and Genma do it.” Kurenai smiles when Raidou’s lip twitches.

“It beats her fucking off like Asuma did at her age,” he says. “Genma and I are two very sensible people.”

“You’re happy she didn’t run off, aren’t you?” Kurenai says.

“I wouldn’t stop her,” he says defensively, looking at the comics.

“I never said that,” Kurenai says, “I just think it’s funny, how much you love her.” Raidou makes a face, before he reads out a comic, ignoring Kurenai’s laughter.

**

Genma and Aoba have waited for this day, for a very long time. Today, they caught Mirai not just talking to a boy, but accepting flowers from one. He’s tall, with long, steel-grey hair and milky eyes. Genma smirks and nudges Aoba. “She bagged a _Hyuuga_.”

“Can you imagine if she was dating an actor?” Aoba asks, “Raidou wouldn’t know what to do with himself.” Genma cackles with delight, which gets Mirai’s attention.

“Asuma was way cooler than he could ever hope to be,” he says, “Raidou would be so pissed if she dated someone who didn’t have a ‘real’ job.” Genma can only imagine the hours of entertainment of watching Raidou trying to talk to a less than impressive artist. “He wants her to just put all her money in stocks. He’d sooner die than watch her take care of a man.”

“I can’t imagine that he’d want to spend time with a Hyuuga.” Aoba replies.

“They could just frown at each other and say nothing,” Genma says, “his perfect relationship.”

“Raidou is such a weirdo when it comes to Mirai,” Aoba says, “speaking of.”

He points at Mirai, who is holding a bouquet of lilacs and frowning as she walks over to them. The boy is watching her over his shoulder, apparently clueless as to why she stomped away.

“What are you two doing here?” she asks. Genma smirks.

“That’s Raidou’s line,” he replies. Mirai holds her flowers to her chest.

“You know what I mean.”

“I truly do not,” Aoba says, “it’s a public street, and we were just walking.”

“You two laughed at me!” Mirai hisses. Aoba snickers and Genma presses his lips together to keep from laughing.

“We were laughing at your boyfriend.” Genma says.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Mirai whispers. This brings Genma and Aoba back.

“You are a miniature Raidou,” Genma says, “he used to say this about a girl he was seeing at your age.”

“Nine years, he got away with it too.” Aoba adds. Mirai looks uncertain, turning to look back over her shoulder. The boy waves at her, smiling, and she smiles back.

Genma and Aoba look at each other, since they do want Mirai to be happy. Genma reaches into his pocket and pulls out a keychain. It’s a panda. “Raidou and I saw this little guy and we thought of you,” he says. She had an obsession with pandas, which started because Guy always gave her panda-themed things. Mirai opens her hand and he drops it into her palm. Mirai tucks it into her pocket and looks up when Genma clears his throat.

“So, your mom and Raidou are out tonight, and I won’t be back until late.” He says, “whatever you do, don’t get caught.” Mirai’s face twists.

“I don’t want to have this conversation with either of you,” she frowns. Aoba puts his hands over his ears and Genma shakes his head.

“Oh, we aren’t having the conversation, and we never will, because you are never going to put any of us in the position where we have to.” Genma says in a sage voice. Aoba nods. Mirai frowns.

“You two are fucking weirdos.”

“Rude,” Genma says, crossing his arms. Mirai sticks out her tongue and walks back over to the boy who gave her flowers. Aoba doesn’t comment on the soft look on Genma’s face; he just starts walking.

**

Raidou and Yuugao go get lunch, every so often. It started because Raidou got really into restoring antique furniture, and Yuugao’s parents had several pieces that needed some attention. Yuugao would help him, and it soon became their thing. They really did try their best to include Kakashi and Kurenai in their new hobby but stopped when Kakashi pointed out that they were literally making the four of them watch varnish dry. Raidou looked to Kurenai for validation, but she pressed her lips together and refused to say anything.

Since then, Raidou and Yuugao will take on the occasional project and get lunch after. They always liked spending time together, and it feels good to be friends. Today, they are getting ramen, since it is a little cold today. Yuugao sets her chopsticks down and gives Raidou a solemn expression. “You were right.” Raidou lowers the food in his chopsticks from his mouth and tilts his head.

“Right about what?” he asks.

“I love Kakashi, and I love the dogs, but I am not a dog person.” Yuugao says, “I just needed to come out and say it.” Raidou grins.

“I’m surprised it took you seventeen years to finally admit it.” He says, sticking some noodles in his mouth.

When they were together and thinking about starting a family, Yuugao always insisted that they would have a dog, even though she never owned one growing up. He always insisted that neither of them are dog people, that their kids could have a pet turtle, but Yuugao never gave up her vision.

It was going to be a nice life, but it came without any guarantees. It could just as easily have been Raidou who died and left Yuugao pregnant and alone, with Kurenai and Asuma to take care of her. The point is that the past has already happened, and the future has yet to arrive. Sitting across from each other, Raidou and Yuugao can affirm that, while it is true that they chose each other, and that they shared moments of tremendous of peace and love with each other, it is also the case that they are now with other people who make them very happy. It would be easy to be angry or bitter about what happened, and it still feels like something was taken from them, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be friends or support each other.

Yuugao eyes him, before picking up her chopsticks. “I’m sorry that it happened like it did,” she says quietly. Raidou swallows his food and shrugs.

“Don’t apologize. I’m even less of a dog person than you are.” Yuugao smiles first, and he returns it with his own.

**

Kurenai, Genma and Mirai are all in the kitchen. Genma and Mirai are sitting at the table, watching Kurenai get dinner started. Raidou ran out to the store, but he’ll be back soon. Mirai flips through a magazine, stopping to look at a page. She turns the magazine over to Genma, so he can look at the page she stopped at. It features a picture of a model with inky, navy hair.

“I want to dye my hair this color.” Mirai says. Genma snorts.

“You know it will look like dirty garbage water when if washes out, right?” he says. Mirai pouts.

“You always ruin my fun,” she says. He shrugs.

“I’m trying to prevent another green hair dye incident.” He says, grinning at Kurenai. “Remember?”

“Remember what?” Mirai asks, looking at her mother. Kurenai narrows her eyes at Genma.

“When I was sixteen, I dyed my hair green.” She says, “I got your father and Raidou to help me bleach it.”

“Help?” he says, “why you thought Asuma and Raidou would, in any way, be helpful to you is mind boggling.” He turns to Mirai, “if you are going to bleach your hair, go to a professional.”

“Do you have any pictures?” Mirai asks. Genma grins even wider.

“Your mother destroyed every single one,” he says. Mirai’s eyes widen, and she looks at Kurenai.

“Why? Was it really that bad?” she asks.

“We must never speak of it,” Kurenai replies.

“You should bring it up whenever she makes comments about what you’re wearing. That’s what I do,” he winks. Kurenai frowns at him, but he shrugs. “You’re the one who embarrassed yourself.” He turns to Mirai, “her hair broke off. She had to cut it all the way to her chin. She dyed it back and it took years to grow out all the damage.”

“How do you remember all of this?” Kurenai asks, her hands on her hips. It’s her Wonder Woman pose (she hates when Genma or Aoba make that joke—when it’s Guy, she lets it slide).

“You’re memorable,” Genma smirks. Kurenai picks up a piece of cucumber and throws it at him. Mirai giggles when he catches it with his mouth, and he grins at Kurenai, who picks up a glass this time. He catches it effortlessly.

**

Raidou doesn’t feel betrayed, per se, but he does feel blindsided. He blinks at Shin, who has just informed him that he will be retiring in a month. Raidou has visited Shin monthly for twenty years. The prospect of this changing is unnerving.

“Why?” Raidou asks. Shin blinks.

“What do you mean, why?” he replies.

“Why are you retiring?” Raidou asks, “don’t you have clients who will need you forever?”

“Raidou,” Shin says, “I am seventy years old. I am not going to work myself to death.”

“But what will you do?” Raidou asks. Shin sighs.

“Raidou, why don’t you tell me how you actually feel?” Shin says, “I taught you how.” Raidou tries not to squirm in his seat, biting the inside of his cheek. He feels like there is so much he doesn’t yet know about how to be a person, and it’s scary to think that it will be up to him.

“I just…what am I going to do?” Raidou says. Shin raises an eyebrow.

“Aren’t you full integrated?” he asks. “Spend time with your family. That’s what I’m going to do.” Raidou puffs his cheeks.

“What am I going to do if something happens?” he asks.

“Deal with it.” Shin shrugs. He has a soft spot for Raidou, but that doesn’t mean that he will let him off the hook.

“That’s your advice?” Raidou says, “who will keep me accountable?”

“Pay my daughter then,” Shin replies, “she is taking over the practice.” Raidou makes a frustrated noise in his throat.

“She’s not the same.”

“Don’t be so needy.”

Raidou crosses his arms and sighs. “I just... I don’t like to think about where I would be if we didn’t start seeing each other. I’m said that it’s ending, because I’m going to miss you.” He looks down at the ground as he says this, and Shin smiles. It makes him a little emotional too, getting to see the way Raidou has changed in the twenty years they have worked together.

“Thank you, Raidou.” Shin says, “I’ll miss you too.”

They nod at each other, before arranging Raidou’s last appointment

**

Kakashi sits on the couch trying to read his book. ‘Trying’ because Yuugao’s mouth is pressed to his shoulder. He’s no longer the Hokage, and he would like to enjoy some peace, but it appears that life has other plans.

“I’m trying to read,” he says, focusing on his book.

“But I’m trying to make out with you,” she replies. “Is your book really that interesting?”

“Yes,” Kakashi says, “it is so interesting that I never want to make out again.” Yuugao pouts at him.

“You’re lying.” She stands up, walking back to the kitchen. He shrugs, returning to his book. He gets lost in a particular scene, when he feels Yuugao lie on the couch, and place her head on his lap. He moves the book so he can look at her. Yuugao hold up her own book, which makes him smile.

Kakashi moves her bangs out of her face, pulls his mask down, and presses his lips to her forehead in a gesture of love and care. Yuugao hums under him, and he revels in the fact that he can make someone hum just because they like him so much.

**

As a mother, Kurenai is relaxed. She doesn’t really believe in any firm rules, and Mirai is a trustworthy kid. There are some things she really cares about, like Mirai eating all her vegetables, brushing her teeth and, when the time came, using protection. But everything else, Raidou or Genma care about. Raidou is always showing her how to fix things and getting on her case about being messy. Genma is the only one who cares about Mirai doing her laundry.

Kurenai won’t say anything, but she is very sure that Raidou and Genma care way more about Mirai drinking than she does. _She’s young, let her have fun_. Raidou and Genma are always quick to point out all the times they nearly died from consuming too many substances. She can tell when they are feeling antsy about Mirai going out. Raidou starts cleaning, and Genma gets irritable.

They have spent the better part of their lives as bodyguards, so they have an almost telepathic connection with each other and the person they are protecting. They’ll be pacing around the house, then go stiff and look in the same direction, like a hunting dog. When Kurenai saw Mirai’s new keychain, she immediately knew what Raidou and Genma were up to. She waved to them when they nodded at each other before disappearing in a swirl of leaves.

Genma and Raidou aren’t surprised when they end up on the westside of town. They are in an alley, behind Mirai, who is standing over a trash can, her fingers in her mouth, pulling the trigger. Nothing is coming up, but it smells like vomit, which suggests that they arrived right after she finished.

“Fuck,” Genma says, “this takes me back.” Mirai jumps and turns around to see the two of them standing behind her, arms crossed. She wipes her mouth, saying nothing. She is wearing a pair of black shorts and one of Asuma’s old, uniform turtlenecks. Well, they think it’s Asuma’s old shirt. She has a lot of Asuma, Genma and Raidou’s old clothes. “Well?” Genma asks, “aren’t you glad we showed up?”

“I’m out with my friends.” Mirai says.

“Where are they?” Raidou asks, looking around. Mirai frowns at them.

“Well, I wandered away,” she says, “I do that, when I drink.”

“You wander away…” Raidou makes a frustrated noise. Kurenai tells him that he babies Mirai, and this is one of the reasons he does. It’s like she wants him to imagine every worst-case scenario when she leaves the house.

“Mirai, we’re taking you home,” Genma says. Raidou takes the wet wipes out of his pocket and takes one out, stepping up to Mirai. She frowns as he wipes her mouth, and then takes each of her hands and wipes them off too. He did this when she was little.

“How did you two find me?” she asks, eyes narrow. Raidou offers her a stick of gum, which she unwraps and starts chewing.

“Instinct.” Raidou says. Genma smirks.

“Check your keychain.” He says, watching Mirai take her keys out of her pocket, to see the little seal on the back.

“You put a summoning seal on my keychain?” she says, “are you two crazy?!”

“You don’t get to call us crazy when you are puking in an alley,” Genma says, “besides, that’s the oldest trick in the book.” Mirai blinks stupidly.

“What book?” she asks, popping her gum. Her intoxication betrays itself.

“It’s an expression,” Genma says dismissively. Raidou steps towards her, figuring that she is going to need to be carried.

“There’s no book?” Mirai asks, puzzled. Genma snorts.

“Your mom is pretty slow on the uptake after a few drinks too.” Genma watches Raidou bend down in front of her. Mirai twists her mouth and puffs her cheeks.

“I’m not a little kid!” She stomps her foot in a way that really works against her assertion. Genma rolls his eyes.

“Just get onto Raidou’s back.” He says, “he doesn’t carry just anyone who can still walk.” Mirai, who is, admittedly, feeling a little tired, climbs onto Raidou’s back. Her chewing is a little annoying, but he prefers that to finding her passed out, or worse.

“You two always treat me like I’m a kid,” she says, tightening her arms around Raidou’s neck.

“You’re always going to be little to me,” Genma says, leading them out of the alley. “And you’re always going to be a baby to Raidou. Isn’t that right?”

“You’re never going to be too big for us to haul your ass home,” Raidou says.

“Stop babying me.”

“Stop getting drunk and wandering away from your friends,” Genma says, “were you with that guy Aoba and I saw you with?” Raidou frowns, and Genma and Mirai look at each other. They can tell, from the way he tenses, that he is about to be critical.

People are milling around them, and any time someone gives them a funny look, Raidou mean mugs them, partially because they are annoying him but also because he is genuinely annoyed to find out that Mirai is dating the kind of man who doesn’t watch out for her.

“A guy?” Raidou asks, “someone you are dating let you wander off?” He never, in all the years they were together, not once, let Kurenai or Yuugao wander away from him, alone. They can handle themselves, but it’s just bad form. “You have to dump him.” Genma guffaws as Mirai frowns.

“I wasn’t with him.” She says defensively. Raidou trudges forward.

“Well, you weren’t when we found you.” He says in a gruff voice. Raidou has taught her to be an independent person, but he wants her to have the kind of loyal people in her life who will take care of her when she pukes.

“I’m an independent woman,” Mirai claims, pulling herself up. Genma smirks.

“You aren’t even walking,” he says, “you really shouldn’t be making declarations like that.” Mirai sticks her tongue out at him.

“Why did you wander off?” Raidou asks, changing the subject. Mirai’s face softens, and she presses her cheek to the side of his head. Raidou presses his head back, something they’ve done since she was small.

“I didn’t want him to see me puke,” she says softly.

“Do you know how many times your mom has seen me puke?” Genma says.

“She’s held his hair back,” Raidou replies. “I’ve held _her_ hair back.”

“Puke happens,” Genma says, “it’s gross, but that’s just what happens sometimes.”

“You two make it sound like it’s a bonding experience,” Mirai yawns, swallowing her gum in the process.

“Your real friends are the people who take care of you and don’t judge you for being a mess.” Genma says. Mirai yawns again, and Genma signals to Raidou that the lecture is over. Her weight gets heavier and heavier, and she tucks her face into Raidou’s neck.

“Night night,” she says softly. Genma clucks his tongue as Raidou adjusts his hold on her. When they get back home, Kurenai sighs as Raidou carries Mirai upstairs and puts her into bed.

**

Yuugao is at the bookstore, picking up a book for Kakashi, when she runs into Mirai. She is wearing Raidou’s old shark sweater, the one Yuugao bought him in Kiri. It’s too big for Mirai, and she’s wearing it as a dress. She’s wearing white tennis shoes and is using one of Raidou’s beat up tote bags as a purse. She looks like a miniature version of Kurenai, but Asuma is there in her jaw, her smile.

“Hi Mirai,” Yuugao says, waving. Mirai smiles.

“Hi Yuugao,” she replies, “how are you?” Mirai tilts her head, thinking.

“I’m fine,” she says, “I’m here getting Raidou a magazine, and Mom has a book she pre-ordered.” Yuugao smiles.

“You’re too good for either of them,” she says. Mirai has always been a good kid. Seeing her wear Raidou’s sweater is been strange, but Yuugao finds that it doesn’t hurt, not at all. Mirai isn’t her child, but Asuma was right when he named her after the future. “Are you still interested in learning more kenjutsu?” Mirai smiles big.

“You’d do that?” she asks. Raidou is good for sparring, but he has nothing new to teach her.

“Raidou is good, but he’s old,” Yuugao says, “it’s been a while since I’ve faced someone new. Are you free on Sunday?”

Mirai nods, and Yuugao promises to call later this week to shore up their date.

**

In more ways than one, Kokutō is the blade that failed. It failed to be there when his father needed it the most, as it had been given to his brother. His brother gave it to Raidou for protection, and he used it to kill. It failed to save Asuma. It’s a sword that is defined by the singular failure that Raidou misunderstood it all along. Using Kokutō was always meant to be his choice. Instead, he weaponized it for the state. He has put it through more bodies than he can count, and he disrespected his sword the same way his disrespected himself, his parents and his brother when he made it his business to take lives.

The sword was always meant to serve a free master. You’re not free if your job is to kill people. His father told him this, when Raidou was just a boy. _Swordsmanship is about choices_. Finally, Raidou understands.

Raidou wants Kokutō to have a brighter future, one where it is used by choice. One where it isn’t a failure.

He’s filed the paperwork to formally retire as an assassin. Raidou didn’t know what to do with himself, so he returned home, to find Mirai there, in her uniform. She isn’t like Kurenai; Mirai loves the standard issue uniform. She once said that it is because she wants to be like the people around her who wear the uniform; she wants to be like her dad. She asked why Kurenai didn’t wear the uniform, for even the one she owned was crimson and sleeveless, rather than standard issue. Genma cackled and said that it was because she wanted to remind everyone of how ugly she is.

Sentimentalities aside, Raidou knows that Mirai really wears the uniform because she wants to be taken seriously. She doesn’t want to be Shikamaru’s project or the girl with the dead dad or one of the most privileged in her generation, in the sense that she had multiple people teaching her different skills. She wants to be her own person, which is why Raidou feels that she has earned Kokutō.

He fears for her safety, yes. But he fears for her humanity, her agency, even more. He wants her to have a future, and this is the only thing he can give her to protect it. The rest is up to her.

Raidou walks into the backyard, where Mirai sits on the porch, reading. She doesn’t move her head when she hears him, but she does smile to herself. He walks up to her, unstrapping Kokutō as he goes. He sets it beside her, gently, and she looks up at him.

“Can we talk for a minute?” he asks, voice soft. Mirai nods and closes her book.

“Of course,” she says.

“Do you ever think about what it means to be an ethical person?” he asks. Mirai tilts her head. She thinks about being a good person, yes, but that’s not exactly what ethical means. She thinks about protecting the future and other people, like her father and Shikamaru, but she doesn’t make a lot of her own decisions about what she thinks; that’s what an ethical person does. Mirai is perfectly fine with the status quo.

“Not really,” she says, “I’m fine with how things are.” Raidou’s lip twitches.

“You should,” he says softly, “because you always have a choice, Mirai.”

“What does that mean?” she asks. From her perspective, there isn’t a lot of choice. It’s a do or die world. Her dad’s blades, her mother’s genjutsu, Shikamaru’s shadows: they were all given to her on the condition that she serve the village and protect future generations. She’s honored to have that privilege, but there isn’t a whole lot of choice in there.

“My dad never talked about the village, or the Will of Fire, or protecting future generations. I guess he thought they were excuses people used, to hide from what they were really doing.” Raidou sits beside her, looking at the grass. “He always made his own decisions, and he affirmed them as such. He killed because he chose to kill, he was a ninja because he chose to be—it was never something he was forced into. He always saw himself as an agent in his own life.” Raidou nods to himself.

“But what about the village? The Will of Fire? Don’t you believe those things?” she asks, feeling a little indignant on the behalf of Shikamaru.

“Not really, not anymore. I served my village because I thought it was my duty as a patriot. I hurt a lot of people, because I let something else make decisions for me, instead of choosing for myself.” Raidou pauses. “Mirai, I know a lot of people have told you otherwise, but it’s okay to make your own decisions. It’s okay to be your own person. My dad once told me that he’d rather me fail and come home than succeed and die. I thought it was treasonous at the time, and maybe it is, but I now understand what he meant.” To love someone is to be a little bit treasonous; Raidou doesn’t know someone who has a child in their life who would be willing to sacrifice that child for the village. It’s probably why the village doesn’t ask in clear terms; rather, it creates child soldiers instead.

They sit in silence for a little bit, as Mirai lets this lesson sink in. She never considered failure to be an option, let alone an inevitability.

“Why are you telling me this?” she asks.

“Because, for a very long time, I acted thoughtlessly out of fear and blind loyalty, and I wish I had done things differently. My dad and mom didn’t bring me into this world to be miserable, and while I thought, for a long time, that being alive is a sort of misery, it isn’t. I was an agent in almost all the things I did, and I was too much of a coward to do things differently, to say no,” he says, looking down at his hands. “I want more for you.” _I want you to be happy_. “I want you to be better than me, so here. This is yours.” He nudges the swords towards her, and she looks down, her eyes big. “I’m retiring from being an assassin. All I ask is that you don’t become one. The rest of your life is up to you.”

“My dad said this to me once, so I’ll say it to you, because everyone here is always focused on dying and killing for the cause. It doesn’t matter what you do; I don’t care if you’re wrong or right. You can always come home.” He stands up, and brushes his hands against his thighs, as if they needed to be dusted off. Mirai looks up at him, a serious look on her face. Her forehead is stiff. “You look very thoughtful.”

“You’ve given my something to think about.” She replies. “Where’d you get Kokutō from?”

“My brother gave it to me, and my dad gave it to him.” He says, “I think my grandfather brought it into the family.”

“You always give me pieces of yourself,” she says. He shrugs.

“I don’t need this stuff.” He says, “I don’t need the clutter.”

“Clutter?” she says in an unimpressed voice. “That’s what you think of your brother and father’s things?”

“They’d find it funny,” he counters, “they would laugh at the joke.”

“Ha ha,” Mirai deadpans.

“Look, my dad and brother were alright shinobi, but they were more than that. They were good people who thought people should laugh more.

“You give me a speech about being an ethical person, and you want me to laugh?” she asks. Raidou smiles.

“Everything, even the terrible things, are kind of hilarious if you know where to look.” He leans down so that they are eye-to-eye. “Look at me; four Hokages have had me serve as their bodyguard, and I’m an _assassin_ by trade. That is fucking _hilarious_.” Mirai smirks.

“I bet you do it because those jobs both pay well.” She says in a bright voice. Raidou practically barks.

**

Raidou steps inside the house, while Mirai chooses to stay outside. He is smiling to himself when he spots Kurenai watching him. She is leaning against the counter, holding a mug of coffee. It’s his Hello Kitty one, that she bought, and he used _ironically_.

“What?” he asks. Kurenai smiles at him.

“You passed on the sword,” she says, walking up to him. Raidou shrugs.

“It was time,” he says, “she’s earned it.” Kurenai stops just in front of him. Sometimes she’s clingy, other times she settles for being in his orbit.

“You’ve retired from assassinations,” she says.

“You opened my mail?” he asks. He is used to Kurenai being nosey, but every so often he gives her a hard time about it.

“Nope,” she says, “Mirai brought a letter back. They want to throw you a retirement party.” Raidou groans loudly.

“I’m still on active duty,” he whines. Kurenai giggles.

“I think we should make you a cake.” She says, sipping her coffee. “A big, pink cake.”

“If it means there won’t be a party…” he says. “Who even wants to throw it?”

“Your fellow assassins,” she says. Raidou frowns.

“I don’t believe you,” he says, “they all know I hate parties.”

“Raidou, just go, eat some cake, and enjoy the fact that your coworkers will miss you.” Kurenai tilts her head at him. “You do so much for us, and I think you should let yourself be celebrated.”

“I murdered people,” he says, “it’s gauche to celebrate that. And I’m here because I want to be here with you and Mirai. Genma too, I guess. I don’t want a cake. Getting to be here and not murder people is enough.” Kurenai sips her coffee, smiling.

“I guess you won’t be going away anymore.” She says, “I’ll get to see you all the time.”

“I’m not retired,” he says, “but I won’t be leaving as often.”

“That makes me very happy,” she replies, sipping her coffee and thinking about the expansive nature of love.

**

They’re old, but that doesn’t mean anything has changed. Guy is still a happy drunk, Kakashi and Genma have no fucks to spare, Aoba will try any substance once, Raidou still frowns all the time, and Ibiki still refuses to spend time with them if Kurenai, Shizune or Anko can’t make it. Aoba is at the head of the table, recalling the time Asuma pulled him out of a gutter.

“He was so pissed,” Aoba says, “he literally hauled my ass home and told me that next time, he’d leave me to choke on my own vomit.” He tells this story like it is a sweet anecdote.

“He should’ve let you die,” Genma says, “he’d be doing us all a favor.”

“Nonsense!” Guy cheers, “without Aoba, how would we get any drugs?”

“We’re in our fifties, we should stop taking drugs,” Kakashi says. “Yuugao is already on me about my cardiovascular health.”

“What else is there to do in these troubled times, _but_ do drugs?” Aoba says. One of the pleasures of being spouseless and childless is that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He can sit naked on his couch, eat in his bed and use the bathroom with the door open. The only obligations he has are to his mom and Anko, and they don’t intrude as much as they used to.

Genma sits back in his chair, and sighs. “Indeed.” He pauses. “I miss Asuma and Hayate. They were good people.” The mood dampens, and they all look down at the table. It’d be easier if their deaths hadn’t been so violent.

But neither of them would want everyone to be bummed out. “Remember the face Asuma used to make when he had to think through a tough problem?” Aoba asks. Raidou does a perfect impression. Everyone laughs, before Genma goes on to make fun of Hayate’s perpetual cough. Laughing doesn’t fix what happened, but it makes it easier to live with it.

**

Mirai stands back, looking at the cans and boxes and Tupperware containers around Raidou’s feet. He is re-organizing the pantry, and she has to supervise him. He has a tendency to throw things away that he deems unhealthy or unsafe, which mean that Genma’s sugary breakfast cereals and her mom’s homemade pickled fruits and vegetables get thrown out well before they should be.

She leans against the kitchen counter, watching him grumble to himself.

“Mirai,” he says, “I ask for so little in this life. I just want—”

“A place for everything and everything in its place,” she says. Raidou looks over his shoulder and beams at her.

“You understand my vision.”

“Your vision?” Mirai snorts. Nothing good has ever come after Raidou has claimed to have a vision. The worst time was probably the weekend her mother went on a mission and Raidou decided to paint the living room a different color. When Mom came home, she found Raidou barking at Mirai to help him re-hang the paintings while Genma lay on the floor, deeply over it and unwilling to get out of Raidou’s way. _Don’t ever leave us with him again!_ Genma had said. So now, whenever Raidou looks like he is going to start a project, someone has to be there to supervise.

“Aoba uses that word a lot.” Raidou says, picking up a carton of broth. “We should make homemade broth more often. Maybe I could go to the butcher and buy some bones,” he hums to himself, adding that to his unending to-do list.

Mirai stares at Raidou’s back and smiles to herself. Raidou isn’t her father, but he’s been a pretty darn good dad to her. She wishes he would let her tell him more often, but he shies away whenever she tries to have the conversation.

“Raidou,” she says, “you’re a good dad, you know that, right?”

“I’m not your dad,” he says, not looking at her.

“You’ve fed me, taken care of me, taught me everything…that’s pretty much what a dad does, Raidou.” Mirai says. He stops organizing the pantry and turns to look at her.

She’s nineteen and her entire life is ahead of her. When he was her age, his own father was gone and he had no one to prevent him from becoming an assassin; his brother tried to talk him out of it, but he knew that he couldn’t stop him. Raidou knows she is an adult, but he wants to make sure that there is someone to stop her from making stupid decisions, which is something he didn’t have.

“Sometimes, when you tell me that you aren’t my dad, it feels like you are pushing me away,” Mirai says, “it hurts my feelings, even though I know you don’t mean for it to.”

There are a lot of big things he wants to say. That Mirai helped him understand what it is to be an ethical human being. That getting to see her grow up has been incredibly rewarding. That she makes his heart feel so full, that it could burst. He can’t ever repay her.

“I don’t deserve it,” he says, “I have just been here.”

“Being here is all you need to do,” she says. “I know you’re not my father, but I don’t think he’d mind me thinking of you as a dad.” She watches Raidou blink and look away, and that’s when she can tell that he is trying not to cry.

“You don’t have to say it” he says, “I always knew.”

“But I wanted to tell you,” she says, “I love you, and I want you to know what you mean to me.” Mirai can never pay Raidou back for all the life lessons, for picking her up and teaching her how to swing a sword and hammer a nail, for passing on his sword to her. For telling her that all he wants her to do is to make her own decisions and to come home in one piece. It’s not what the village teaches you, but it’s the kind of thing you need to hear: that failure is not only inevitable, but acceptable, and that no matter what happens, you can always come home.

Raidou presses his lips together, before he speaks. “There are a lot of things I could say,” he says, “but I’ll keep it simple. Thank you.” He turns back to the boxes and bags at his feet, and Mirai smiles.

**

_The Third had called Raidou to his office, personally. The Third said that his father had asked him to wait for Raidou to turn twenty before offering him the job. He said that both Raidou’s father and brother has refused the offer, but that it is an honor to serve the village this way and someone has to do this job._

_Raidou had nodded. He knew that the Hokage was swooping in at a vulnerable time. His parents were just put in the ground and his brother is away all the time. There is no one to talk him out of it. Raidou hadn’t even thought about it. He had immediately said yes, no hesitation. He wants to serve the village in any way he can. His father had died a hero, and Raidou wants to serve the village his father died protecting._

_When his brother came home, Raidou told him immediately. His brother had frowned and called him a ‘clueless asshole,’ before going up to his room for an hour. Raidou is sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal, when his brother comes down the stairs and walks to the kitchen, a sword in his hand. Raidou recognizes it as their father’s black blade—Kokutō._

_His brother drops Kokutō on the table before Raidou, as he looks up at him. “What’s this for?” Raidou asks._

_“Protection,” his brother says._

_“What?” Raidou asks._

_“The one time Dad didn’t have this, he didn’t come home.” His brother frowns, “if you insist on becoming an assassin, I want you to at least come home in one piece.”_

_“Oh,” Raidou looks down at his father’s sword. He forgot that his brother had been carrying it when the Nine-Tails struck._

_“You have people who need you to come home.” His brother grinds his teeth, and for the first time, it registers for Raidou that his brother is talking about himself. He needs Raidou to come home, and it terrifies him that his baby brother will be out of his reach._

_“What about you?” Raidou asks. His brother snorts._

_“I am an inconsequential fucker,” he says, walking over to the fridge._

_“Not to me, or Kurenai, or Himself.”_

_“You three would be fine.” He replies, “but I would never forgive myself if I didn’t do my best to keep you safe.” His brother pauses, as he takes two cans of Coke from the fridge. “But I’ll make you a deal. I promise to make it past twenty-five.”_

_“Why twenty-five?”_

_“Because I heard that twenty-six is a perfect age.” His brother shakes the two cans of Coke. Raidou sighs._

_“Fine. I’ll hold you to it.” Raidou sticks a spoonful of soggy cereal into his mouth. “I’ll kick your ass if you don’t make it. Do your best not to traumatize your baby brother.”_

_“That’s my boy,” his brother grins._

_“I’m not your boy!” Raidou replies._

_“Oh? And here I was, thinking I am so integral to your story that not only would my untimely death traumatize you, but you would somehow kick my ass postmortem.” Raidou gives his brother the middle finger, and he laughs. “Want to go on a drive? I shook up the Coke already!” His brother enjoys watching Raidou deal with messes._

_“Sure.”_

_“You should invite Kurenai. I don’t want her to be lonely in that house all by herself.” His brother frowns when Raidou’s face becomes sheepish._

_“She’s busy.”_

_“What did you do?”_

_“I made fun of her big toe.” Raidou says, “she’ll get over it.”_

_“You are a fucking idiot. Becoming an assassin, pushing Kurenai away…you would fall apart without me around.” His brother says._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You’ll figure it out.” His brother leaves the kitchen. “I’ll be in the car. Lock the door.” Raidou shoves the rest of the cereal in his mouth, leaving the bowl in the sink and the sword on the table._

**

Mirai doesn’t have a boyfriend, but there is a boy who is always visiting. Kurenai hasn’t said anything, because she doesn’t want to be _that_ mom, but she is nonetheless excited when Mirai finally sits beside her on the couch and gives her the look. The one that a child gives a parent when they are lost and need guidance.

“Mom,” Mirai asks, “how do you know when you’re in love?” Kurenai smiles, because she knows the answer to this one.

“You feel it right in your soul.” Mirai’s lip twitches.

“Is that where you felt Dad and Raidou?” she asks. She long ago accepted that her mother and Raidou love each other in a way that doesn’t replace her father.

“I feel that way about both of them, yes.” Kurenai reaches over for their genin picture, which Raidou is always trying to hide but Kurenai and Genma always find. “I really wouldn’t be myself if I had never known them, and I would never have had you.” After all, if Raidou had chosen Kurenai all those years ago, she never would have fallen in deep with Asuma. It’s funny, how Raidou went about making her a mother. She hands Mirai the picture, “I feel very lucky to have known them.”

She takes the picture from her mother’s hands, grateful to be given the chance to change the topic from something melty and personal to comic. The reason Raidou is always trying to hide this picture is because he and their sensei are frowning while Kurenai beams in the middle with Asuma smiling lazily beside her. Raidou feels like he ruined the picture, and in his old age, is trying to frown less in photos. He once said that he feels like he has ruined all these memories, just because he didn’t feel like smiling. That’s not the case, but it’s hard to talk sense into him. Raidou is easily the most stubborn person in their house, if not the village.

Mirai looks down at the picture, and smiles. “Mom, Dad and Raidou were such ugly kids.”

“They were cute!” Kurenai says defensively. Mirai laughs.

“Mom, Raidou is wearing a dumb piece of fabric over his face and Dad’s nose doesn’t look like it fits on his face.” Mirai sets the picture down. “I think you idealize them.” Kurenai restrains herself from telling Mirai that most of the pictures she has seen of Asuma are from after Raidou broke his nose.

“Well,” she sighs, “I think they were cute.”

“That’s your job,” Mirai says, “love is a delusion.”

“It’s a pretty fun one,” Kurenai replies, “hopefully you’ll get to experience it one day.” It is then that Mirai knows that she has been caught, as she blushes and mumbles about having to do the dishes before walking away.

**

Yamato doesn’t have his heart broken often, but when it is, he is worse than Yuugao. He is lying on her couch, while she cradles his head. Yamato is taking this one especially badly. He really liked this girl. Was maybe even in love.

“You’re going to be okay,” she says quietly. They are watching a kid’s movie, the upbeat kind, but Yamato just feels terrible.

“I don’t feel okay,” he says. “I feel horrible.”

“At least you aren’t stuck on the bathroom floor,” she says, “if I can survive that, you can get over this.” Yamato makes a noise and rolls over, so he can press his face into her stomach.

Kakashi walks in and holds up a take-out menu. Yuugao looks down at Yamato, running her fingers through his hair.

“Are you hungry?” she asks quietly. Yamato shakes his head.

“Give us a minute,” Yuugao says to Kakashi, who shrugs and retreats back to his home office. “We’ll take care of you, okay Yamato?” she says. He nods, the tip of his nose tickling her. She loves him like he’s her little baby. Yamato presses his face into her, and she holds him tight.

When Kakashi walks back out of his office, Yuugao signals for him to order whatever he’d like, that Yamato will eat anything. Kakashi picks up the phone and does as she asks.

**

Kurenai lies back on their bed, Raidou hovering over her. He is in one of his affectionate moods, so he has been kissing her neck and fingering her for half an hour. She keeps trying to move along, but he insists on doing things slow today. His lips are inside the hollow of her collarbone, and she is sighing because she’s frustrated but she also feels good. Like something inside of her is being stretched tight.

He came home early from work, and only asked if Mirai and Genma were home. Kurenai shook her head, and Raidou kicked his shoes off. _Want to do it?_ Raidou asked. Kurenai had nodded and squeaked when he picked her up. When they ended up in their room, Raidou had laid her down and kissed her right on the mouth. _I’ve been thinking about you all day,_ he sighed, running his hand up her shirt. _Let me know if you want me to stop_. Kurenai smiled. _That won’t happen_. She kissed him and helped him undress them both.

Raidou kisses up the side of her neck, making it tingle. “Raidou,” she says, “you don’t need to finger me all night.” He smiles against her neck and breathes on her. It makes her melt a little.

“But what if that’s all I want to do?” he asks. Kurenai pulls away and gives him an unimpressed look.

“You come home from work early, drag me up here, on a Wednesday afternoon, just to finger me?” she huffs, “I don’t even get the tip?” It takes a second for it to register that she is talking about his penis. He blinks at her, not entirely surprised but nonetheless, a little confused.

“I’m trying to be enlightened,” he says, “you know, making sure you enjoy yourself first.”

“When have you not done that?” Kurenai asks, opening her legs and using her elbows to sit up and speak into his mouth. “Sex with you is enlightening.” He has a talent for making her believe in a higher power. Raidou kisses her, sliding another finger into her as she groans. “Another finger? I want more.”

“Come all over my hand and I promise,” Raidou says, “that I will put my dick inside of you.” Kurenai makes a frustrated noise. He is stroking her just right, so it won’t take long.

“I’ve already done that,” she says. Raidou smiles.

“Three is a lucky number,” he says, “and believe it or not, fingering you is what I’ve been thinking of all day.” Kurenai sighs and lies back down as Raidou presses his forehead to hers.

“Fingering me?” she asks, “you never imagined more?”

“Well,” he sighs, “I just like how you feel on me. You’re nice and snug.” Kurenai smirks, but as she opens her mouth to respond, Raidou slows his hand and begins to drag another orgasm out of her. She’s warmed up, so she easily slips into the place where the only words that come out are dirty and nasty. His thumb rolls her clit, and her tummy locks up. She curves up, lifting her shoulders so she can press her face into his neck, and she kicks out a little.

She lies back down and rides Raidou’s hand until he’s satisfied that her orgasm is well and truly over. Kurenai lies back and looks up at him as he wipes his hand on their comforter, which is his crimson one from the barracks. “I don’t deserve you,” she says, unprompted. Raidou looks at her, puzzled.

“What?” he asks quietly. Kurenai smiles.

“You’re so good to me,” she says, “and I don’t think I’m a particularly good person.”

“Kurenai,” he sighs, “you’re the best person. My favorite person.” He kisses her, and she is overwhelmed by his complete and total sincerity. He is so soft with her. It should be illegal how good he makes her feel.

“I don’t understand it,” she says into his mouth.

“You don’t have to,” he says, slipping his tongue into her mouth. He still isn’t inside of her, something that she plans to fix.

She runs her hand down and takes him in her stand, stroking him. Raidou groans into her mouth, and the sound makes her nipples hard. It’s one of those reactions that is gross and hilarious to describe, but when it happens, it just reminds Kurenai of how much her body aches for Raidou. She strokes him a few times, just to tease him a little too.

“Not fair,” he whines. Kurenai smiles.

“It’s more than fair,” she says, lining them up. “You teased me for half an hour.”

“Yeah, well,” he shrugs, sliding inside of her. Kurenai smiles when he hits bottom.

“Perfect,” she says.

He starts moving slowly, and she takes his face in her hands, her thumb rubbing his scar, arching her back to meet him. Kurenai has always been very good at reading him, and they share a radical empathy with each other that makes their relationship frustrating but sex incredibly rewarding. Raidou looks into her eyes, like he always does, and thinks about how this is exactly the way he wants to spend the rest of his life. Kurenai kisses him then, and he closes his eyes and relaxes into it.

Raidou thrusts with a steady rhythm, and she matches him with the roll of her hips. It’s late afternoon, so the room is golden, and she left their bedroom window open this morning. There is a breeze that makes the hairs on his arms stand up. Kurenai’s nipples hurt from desire and the cold, so she presses up into Raidou for some relief. As if he were reading her mind, he presses himself down into her, and the weight of his body soothes her.

Raidou moves his mouth to her jaw while Kurenai wraps her arms around him, palms over his shoulder blades. She keeps humming _yes, yes, yes_ and he sticks his nose into her hair. He drives up into her, and she feels her orgasm spark up. He moves a little more erratically, looking for relief but wanting to draw it out. Kurenai kisses his neck as he drags himself along the back wall, hitting the right spot. Kurenai’s groan comes straight from her guts, and Raidou quickens his pace. It hurts but they are desperate, so Kurenai begs him to go faster. They are both going to feel it in their backs tomorrow, but that doesn’t matter as white-heat travels between them and Raidou drives them home.

Raidou groans, and gets ready to lift himself off of Kurenai, but she locks herself around him. He’s tired, so he is fine with it, but he doesn’t want to crush her. “Aren’t I squishing you?” he asks the side of her head. Kurenai shakes her head.

“I like how you feel,” she says, turning her head so she can look at him. She smiles and rubs her thumb over his cheekbone. Raidou smiles back at her, before kissing her right between the eyes.

They continue to smile dumbly at each other, because they still can’t quite believe how ready they are for each other. “We made it,” he says, right into her mouth. Kurenai grins.

“We did.” She kisses him, and it’s like he is falling in love with her all over again.

**

Raidou opened the hood of his car to change the oil. He grunts, cursing as he attempts to pull out the wick to check the oil, holding a rag in his other hand. Aoba and Genma are sitting on a pair of foldout chairs, drinking beer and watching Raidou curse his car. They watch him do this every so often, and the results never change. For someone so frugal, Raidou pours too much money into a car that isn’t even road safe.

“That car isn’t worth it.” Genma says, “the shit wagon can’t even run.” Raidou doesn’t bother responding, flipping them off. He only looks up when he hears Mirai’s voice.

“Rude.” She says, walking over to them.

“I know,” Genma says, “he’s cranky in his old age.” Raidou continues to say nothing, so Aoba jumps in.

“Did you not get a nap?” he asks.

“I’m fifty-six,” Raidou says, “I’m not a baby.”

“Maybe you are.” Mirai says, “you are attached to that car like it’s a blankie.” Genma smirks as Aoba snorts.

“I’ve never been prouder Mirai,” Genma says. Raidou stands up and looks right at all three of them.

“If it weren’t for me, this place would fall apart. And Mirai, the shit wagon and my CDs are your inheritance.” He waves the rag, “now, don’t the three of you have anything better to do, other than make fun of m?” Mirai sits on the cooler between Aoba and Genma.

“No,” she says. Genma and Aoba both look at Raidou with smug expressions. Raidou makes an irritated noise in the back of his throat, and turns back to the car.

**

If Raidou had been asked where he thought he would be at fifty-six, he probably would have said something along the lines of ‘not dead, hopefully.’ He never would have guessed that he would be sitting on the Yuuhis’ back porch, next to Kurenai, looking at the stars. He offered to drive them out somewhere, so they could fool around, but apparently, he is the only person who has any faith that his car is still operable.

His legs dangle over the porch while her toes hang over the edge, her knees bent as she leans back on her hands. His arm is looped under her calf, as he presses his palm to the arch of her foot. It feels very intimate, even though it doesn’t involve kissing or vulnerable, private parts.

It’s late summer. Warm and breezy, even at night. Raidou gazes up at the moon, while Kurenai looks at the shell of his ear.

“Do you think you know everything about me?” she asks. Raidou turns to look at her, unimpressed.

“Yeah.”

“How?” she asks, “I am full of surprises.”

“I know how ugly you were when you were five, I like how your spit tastes and you sleep in my armpit every chance you get.” All of these statements are true. Kurenai frowns, in one of her finicky moods.

“That’s not everything,” she says, “I’m more than a former ugly child with tasty spit and clingy tendencies.” Raidou snickers.

“You tell me everything, even things I would really not rather know,” he says, “like the time you popped a pimple and showed it to me.” Kurenai, shameless, grins.

“When did that happen?” Raidou presses his lips together, because they both know she has always done that, and he always looks, even when he says he’s grossed out.

“It started when you were twelve and now, you’re fifty-two,” he says, “that’s a lot of pimples.”

“So, it took you forty plus years to feel confident enough to claim that you know everything about me?” she asks.

“I felt pretty confident at twenty-five,” he says, “you are pretty predictable.” Kurenai puffs her cheeks and he laughs, holding her foot with his hand. “But yes, after fifty-two years of knowing you, I can confidently say that I have an encyclopedic knowledge of you, Kurenai.” He puts his hand over her toes and squeezes them because they are cold. It’s the kind of thing that makes Kurenai melt.

“Want to promise another fifty?” she asks. Raidou blinks.

“Another fifty years?” he asks. She nods, grinning. “Even if I can’t guarantee it?”

“You made it over twenty-five, and I personally think you can live through anything. You’re going to live forever.” She says with a smile. Raidou frowns.

“Fuck, I hope not.”

“Please?”

“I get no rest,” he sighs.

“All I want is another fifty years and that you make sure that I die first.” Kurenai wraps her arms around her knees, like she is a little girl.

“I get no rest and you’re crazy,” he says, “that’s what you want from me? Me to outlive you?”

“Yes,” she hums. “I never want to exist in the world without you in it.” Raidou looks at her as if she has greatly inconvenienced him. Which, in a way, she has.

“Another fifty it is, so you better die when you are a hundred and two so I can finally die too.” Kurenai moves forward and sits beside him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Raidou puts and arm around her shoulders and kisses the top of her head.

“You know, Japan has one of the world’s oldest populations,” she says. He looks down at her, his mouth hovering over hers.

“Well, maybe it will happen after all.” He would really, really like it to happen that way.

“You’re steady. You will find a way.” Kurenai replies, kissing his scarred cheek before turning to look up at the sky. Raidou hums in response, because, for all his shortcomings, he is very steady, and he does his best to keep his promises.

There isn’t much else to say, except that it came to pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here is the end. I'm submitting my thesis on Monday, so it's like two big projects are done for me. The next chapter is an alternate world, another story that I could have told. For what it's worth, I think this story is better. 
> 
> I always knew this story's name, and I always knew that Kurenai and Raidou were going to make it. But it is incredibly rewarding to step back and see it come to life. Thank you for reading, and sticking with my vision. Your comments kept me going, and I hope you like how this turned out.


	35. Desert Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is an alternate vision of how this story could have progressed from the beginning of arc two. I'll leave more comments in the end notes, but keep in mind that these are a collection of organized fragments. There are going to be plot holes and gaps, because this story could easily be the size of Storms. 
> 
> There is also a major character death in this one, so, heads up. 
> 
> Happy reading!

“all of our problems/I’m going to solve ‘em”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Smoke Signals”

"I'd like to leave you with something more"

Steve Nicks, "Storms"

Raidou wakes up in the hospital. _I’ve got to get a new life_. Preferably one with a house on the lake, far from all of his problems. He groans as he tries to sit up. He definitely has a concussion. Raidou remembers coming up through the crows and sticking his sword through an eye, but he was knocked unconscious when he was thrown over onto Asuma. _Asuma_. He sits up, sending a sharp pain through his abdomen. He grunts, holding his stomach and looking at the empty room.

As the panic sets in, Raidou scrambles to remember what happened. The trouble is that he is pretty sure he was knocked out right before Shikamaru managed to pull out a win. Fuck, for all he knows, being thrown at Asuma was the win _. No matter what, I’m always losing_. He is still a little doped up, but he hisses when he tries to move his left arm too quickly. _This is inconvenient_. He sighs to himself, when the door to his room opens. Yuugao pokes her head in, and she beams when he does a pathetic wave.

“Baby,” she says, walking in and throwing her purse on the empty bed beside his. She comes up to the bed and puts her hands on either side of his face and kisses his forehead.

“Was it really that bad?” he asks. Yuugao steps back and looks at him.

“You were out for a day,” she says, “I was worried.”

“Is everyone else okay?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“Yes. Asuma was cleared to go home this morning.” She sits on his bed, reaching for his hands with her own. “I have some big news.”

“You know, with everything going on, I think I want little news,” he replies. Yuugao squeezes his hands, before standing up to get her purse.

“Guess,” she says, rummaging through her bag. Raidou tilts his head, thinking.

“Our neighbors got another yappy dog. The grocery store stopped carrying the jerky I like. Genma finally got Anko to call him back.” He watches Yuugao pull out a piece of paper.

“No, nope and never,” she says, walking up beside him. She wraps her arms around him and rests the side of her face on his head.

“So, what is it?” he asks. Yuugao holds a picture up to his face. He takes it from her hand and frowns at it. It’s various shades of grey, and Yuugao points to a specific blob in the corner.

“That blob in the corner there is our baby.” He turns to look at her abdomen, amazed.

“Baby?” he asks in a small voice. Yuugao smiles.

“Yes,” she says, “a real baby.”

**

Now that Raidou and Asuma have both returned to active duty, everyone feels like it is time to celebrate Asuma and Kurenai’s news. It’s a belated wedding reception. Aoba cleared out his living room, and Anko and Shizune decorated it with flowers and balloons. They even hung up a ‘Just Married’ banner from the dollar store. Despite Kurenai’s ‘condition’ there is enough champagne and coke to stop the hearts of several horses. Shizune and Anko are talking, while Aoba cuts up the lines. Ibiki and Himself are speaking quietly in the corner, while Asuma’s sister-in-law is talking to Yuugao about Anbu.

Raidou’s hands are tucked into his pockets, watching Yuugao from across the room. He still can’t believe that in six months, everything will change for him. Asuma and Kakashi are over by Aoba. Kurenai stands beside him, her hand cupping Raidou’s elbow.

“Yuugao isn’t drinking.” Kurenai says.

“Upset stomach.” He replies. She smiles up at him.

“Sure.” Kurenai says in a sing-song voice. “I’m a little offended that you haven’t told me.”

“I didn’t find out until after the mission.” He says, “I was kinda dopey when she told me, because of the painkillers.”

“Ah,” she says, “well, I guess this is the rest of our lives now.” She plays with the ring on her finger. It is a little sad, admitting that it is all over.

“Yeah.” Raidou says. “You’re going to get so fat.” Kurenai puffs her cheeks up at him, but before she can say anything, Genma comes up to them.

“Kurenai, you’re already ugly. It can’t get worse,” he says. Raidou snorts when she scowls at Genma.

**

Yuugao smiles when she sees Raidou and Kurenai talking. It took a long time to get to this point, but she can now say, with complete sincerity, that she isn’t threatened by Kurenai. They will never be friends, but she feels secure with her place in Raidou’s life. She is the person he comes home to, who he loves above all others. They are making a new life together. She puts her hand over her stomach, smiling at him.

“You’re obvious,” Asuma’s sister-in-law, who goes by her codename, Owl, says. Yuugao is so happy, she doesn’t even frown.

“Three months this week,” she sighs.

“I’m surprised Raidou ever settled down,” Owl says, sipping her beer, “he was always a bachelor.”

“He’s not like that,” Yuugao says, secretly thrilled that she is one of the few who are privy to his softness.

“I’m just impressed that you tamed Big Bad Raidou,” Owl drawls. “I’m guess you aren’t going to be doing any coke either.” Owl taps the side of her nose. Himself and Owl are parents, but they got a babysitter and coke is bush league compared to the things Anbu puts in you.

“No,” Yuugao replies. She actually just hates coke. Owl pouts.

“C’mon, your baby probably already has three heads,” she says. Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“My answer is no,” she says.

“You know, Raidou is a really fun cokehead.” Asuma and Raidou both are. It loosens them up, gives them the kind of confidence they usually have to fake. Owl was there with Himself and Raidou’s brother the first time they both tried it.

“There’s no such thing as a fun cokehead,” Raidou says, standing right behind Yuugao. Owl rolls her eyes.

“You’re even more serious,” she says. She was on his brother and Himself’s team. She’s known Raidou since he was a bratty kid with a red strip of fabric over his nose. “You’re already a crotchety dad.” Raidou scowls at her, while Yuugao puts a hand on his arm.

“I’m not drinking,” she says, “the math is easy.” Raidou’s face softens when he looks at Yuugao, who beams up at him.

“I’m going to puke,” Owl says.

“I double dog dare you to do it.” Raidou says, taking Yuugao’s hand in his own.

“Rude,” Owl says. She sips her beer, taking a moment to look at the kind of man Raidou has become. For a long time, she and Himself were worried that he would remain emotionally stunted, unable to find peace or happiness. Himself thought it was possible with Kurenai, but Owl, truth be told, never really liked Kurenai that much. She doesn’t think she was good for Raidou and she sure as shit isn’t good enough for Asuma, but she says nothing because they are both grown men.

Raidou looks very happy, for someone who trudges through life. With Yuugao, his face is softer, and he smiles more. “Your brother would be really happy for you,” Owl says softly. Raidou squeezes Yuugao’s hand.

“I know,” he says quietly. If he has a son, he considered the possibility of naming him after his brother. _Don’t curse a kid with a dead man’s name_ , his brother would say. So Raidou won’t, but he will think about it.

**

From afar, it is easy to pretend that none of this really involves him. Kakashi makes eye contact with Yuugao from across the room. She waves, and he blinks. He hadn’t planned to develop feelings for her, they just kind of…happened. They spent a lot of time together over the past six weeks, and while he knows that she doesn’t want to leave Raidou, he is pretty sure that she is attracted to him. Asuma told him that he is interested in her because it will never happen. Genma reminded him that _Raidou literally makes girls crazy, you shouldn’t go there_. Guy chose to cheerfully ignore Kakashi’s obvious infatuation. _I, for one, hope that this means you will start pursuing love_. Genma replied that he doubts Kakashi is looking for love, _if you know what I mean_ , and they all cackled at his expense.

It’s not lost on him that she isn’t drinking. _Well, fuck me then_.

Tonight, Aoba has asked Kakashi, twice, if he is okay. He shrugged, so Aoba offers the plate and a rolled bill. “You aren’t partaking?” Kakashi asks Asuma, who shakes his head.

“Nah,” he says, “I’m going to be a dad now. I have to be responsible.” Kakashi rips the line as soon as Asuma mentions fatherhood.

“Can I have another?” Kakashi asks. Aoba and Asuma look at each other, before looking at Kakashi.

“Are you okay?” Aoba asks. “You don’t usually rail coke.” Kakashi usually does a line only after everyone else is really and truly fucked up. In their years of recreational drug use, neither Aoba nor Asuma have seen Kakashi first in line for any drug. 

“Just perfect.” Kakashi replies. “I’m going to take another line.” Aoba shrugs like what can you do, while Guy bounces over with Anko, second and third in line for the coke.

Kakashi hands the plate and bill to Guy, frowning at the drips in the back of his throat. “Congratulations,” he says to Asuma, who gives him a funny look. “You finally did it.”

“Did what?” Asuma asks.

“Fucked Kurenai right.” Kakashi says, the whirring in brain making him thoughtless.

“What?” Asuma asks. “Where did you hear that?”

Kakashi, lost in the self-involved world of all cokeheads, doesn’t notice the way that everyone around him is staring. Guy looks nervous, while Anko is glaring at him. Aoba looks up at him with panicked expression. All three are willing Kakashi to keep his mouth shut.

Asuma isn’t the smartest guy, but he knows something is up by the way Anko, Aoba and Guy stare at Kakashi. _Not even three years ago_ , Kakashi thinks, _most of the people stood in this room and heard Raidou tell Kurenai that you can’t fuck her right_. Would a real friend tell or hide the truth? Kakashi tilts his head, thinking. _Meanness can only exist under specific social conditions_. Liking Yuugao and ruining this party are two hurtful things, but they are not the worst things he has ever done. They don’t even rank in the top ten, or top hundred.

“Raidou told Kurenai that you can’t fuck her right,” Kakashi says, “not even three years ago, in Aoba’s kitchen over there.” Kakashi picks up his beer and sips it.

Asuma opens and closes his mouth once, twice. It’s like all the happiness has been sucked out of him with a straw. _Not even three years ago_. There is only one reason Raidou would say something like that to Kurenai, and it is because he was fucking her too. From the sounds of it, pretty much everyone but Yuugao and him knew the truth.

Now, he isn’t the kind of person to go ahead and make a decision based on a temporary feeling. But when Asuma sees Raidou, talking to Owl and Yuugao, he feels something primal in him well up.

“Asuma?” Aoba says cautiously. “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing.” Asuma says, walking towards the middle of the room. Kakashi sips his beer while Anko gives him a dirty look.

“What?” he asks.

“You’ve just fucked everything up.” Anko hisses. She looks over her shoulder at Asuma, who stands in the middle of the room.

All Asuma can think about it how the last three years have been built on a lie. He had asked Kurenai if anything had ever happened, and she said no. Now, here he is, feeling like an idiot, because the mother of his child, his _wife_ , not only fucked someone else and agreed that he couldn’t fuck her the right way; she went and lied about it as well _. And everyone in here knew_. Except Yuugao. Probably Owl and Himself. The former doesn’t like Kurenai and the latter wouldn’t let Asuma make that kind of mistake.

He walks right past Kurenai, who reaches out for him, and Genma, who frowns. Shizune and Ibiki and Himself aren’t paying attention. Owl frowns when she sees him, because Asuma’s anger is quite obvious. He is a few strides away when he calls his name. “Raidou.”

Raidou turns around, in time to see Asuma’s fist before he realizes that it is going to connect with his face. Raidou lets go of Yuugao’s hand and steps away from her, holding his hand out to keep her back.

It hurts like a motherfucker. His nose isn’t broken, but his face feels like it is on fire. _I’m going to feel that tomorrow morning_. This really won’t help his concussion. Raidou holds his hand over his face and looks up at Asuma. He has a pretty good idea as to why this is happening. His brain feels like it is still shaking in his head, which is why he doesn’t say anything when Yuugao and Owl step between him and Asuma.

Yuugao puts her hands on his shoulders, speaking right in his ear. “Are you okay baby?” she asks quietly. Raidou feels like he is going to puke, but his brain is still ringing. Asuma is so pissed he doesn’t even shake out his hand.

“What the fuck, Asuma?” Owl asks, stepping right up to him despite being so much smaller.

“Should you tell them, or should I?” Asuma asks Raidou.

“Asuma, what was that for?” Kurenai stomps up to him and puts hand on his arm, but he pulls away. Yuugao sees this and looks back down at Raidou. “Asuma,” Kurenai says in a low voice, but he doesn’t look at her. Owl watches the two of them, and suddenly, it dawns on her what happened.

“Raidou,” Asuma says, “should you tell them, or should I?” Raidou swallows and looks up at Kurenai. He gives her a hard look, standing up slowly.

“What have you heard?” Raidou asks carefully. Yuugao touches her hand to his lower back. He feels unworthy.

“That you told Kurenai that I can’t fuck her right.” Asuma says. He turns around to look at Kakashi. “Isn’t that right, Kakashi?”

“Verbatim,” he replies. Raidou could be mad at Kakashi, but that’s beside the point. Kurenai, on the other hand, is outraged. Her face twists, and she takes a step towards Kakashi before Genma is able to wrap his arms around her.

“What the fuck, Kakashi!” She says, Genma holding her tight. Kakashi does one of his lame shrugs, further tempting her to end his life.

“Kurenai,” Genma says, “I know you’re not too good at this, but this isn’t just about you.” She squirms against him. Yuugao watches them, the blood draining from her face as the realization dawns upon her.

“Raidou,” Yuugao says quietly, “what is Kakashi talking about?”

“I would say it’s pretty fucking clear.” Asuma says. Raidou says nothing, but he turns and looks at Yuugao, whose eyes are big and wide. It hurts but he doesn’t look away while she does the math in her head.

“How many times?” Yuugao asks, stepping back and crossing her arms.

“Does it matter?” Raidou asks. Yuugao clenches her jaw.

“How many times?” she repeats herself. Raidou looks into her eyes, wishing none of this were happening. _The thing about choices is that you can never fully predict the outcome_. But this one could be seen a mile away.

“Four times,” he says. The entire room is focused on him. Kurenai feels herself stop breathing. Genma has to squeeze her waist to remind her to inhale.

“When?” Yuugao asks. Raidou blinks. It feels like they are the only two people in the room.

“When we first got together. After we were exclusive but before I said, ‘I love you,’” Raidou flinches when he sees the hurt on her face. He wants to reach out to her, but he doesn’t know how.

“Who started it?” Yuugao asks.

“Does that matter?” Raidou responds.

“You don’t get to decide,” Asuma says. Raidou looks at Kurenai, who has remained silent this entire time.

“It wasn’t premeditated. It just happened.” Raidou says. He withholds the fact that it felt like fate.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Yuugao says. “Who started it?”

“I wasn’t looking to cheat on you,” Raidou says.

“But who initiated it?” Yuugao says, “who kissed who first?” Raidou looks at Kurenai. She set it up, every single time.

When her eyes meet Raidou’s, Kurenai knows she has to step in. She squeezes Genma’s arm for support as she opens her mouth. “Me.” Kurenai says softly. “It was me, Yuugao.” She braces herself, but Kurenai isn’t ready for the way Yuugao walks towards her, or the way Raidou lets her, or the way that Asuma grabs Yuugao. Asuma still isn’t looking at Kurenai, but she is happy that he didn’t let Yuugao kill her on sight.

“Yuugao,” Asuma says softly, “don’t hit a pregnant lady.” Yuugao wants to spit that it doesn’t count if she is pregnant too.

“She started it.” Yuugao says softly, her eyes watering. Asuma nods.

“It looks that way.” He replies. Kurenai’s throat locks up when she sees the way Asuma uses a knuckle to wipe away one of Yuugao’s tears.

No one says anything for a long moment. Himself, Ibiki and Shizune stay in the corner, while Aoba, Guy and Anko stay in the other. Kakashi, who started all of this, sips his beer, watching the chaos unfold. Asuma turns to look at Kurenai, still blocking Yuugao, who is now clinging to his arm. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks. Kurenai blinks. She had all but forgotten their conversation years ago.

“I didn’t tell you because it didn’t change things for me,” she says. Asuma lets out a cold laugh.

“You didn’t tell me because it would have changed things for me.” He looks over at Kakashi, who is looking at Yuugao. Asuma catches his eye and glares. _You’ve done enough here_.

“Are you two sorry?” Asuma asks. He turns to Raidou, whose face is being looked at by Owl. Raidou looks right at Asuma and Yuugao.

“I wish it had never happened.” Raidou isn’t sorry, _per se_ , but he does wish that he had made a different decision, so that Asuma and Yuugao weren’t dealing with this pain.

“Kurenai?” Yuugao asks. Asuma refuses to look at her, still, so Yuugao takes the lead.

Kurenai digs her nails into Genma’s forearm, and he holds her tight, as if he could physically restrain the horrible answer that is about to come. Raidou is smooth, whereas Kurenai is an edge.

“No,” she says, “I’m not sorry for what happened.” This unpleasant experience notwithstanding, Kurenai is happy with how things turned out.

Yuugao squeezes Asuma’s arm, and she starts pulling him towards the door. Asuma goes with her, unable to really believe what he just heard.

“Asuma!” Kurenai calls, Genma clinging onto her.

“Leave me alone,” Asuma says, “I can’t even look at you right now.” Yuugao pulls him along, her arms around his. Kurenai and Raidou look at each other, before Owl scowls at her and takes Raidou into the kitchen.

**

Raidou sits on a chair in Aoba’s kitchen. His chin rests on her palm. She watches him wince as she presses the icepack to his face. He is going to have a mean looking black eye tomorrow. They haven’t talked about anything that has just happened. They will, eventually, but right now, Raidou wants to sit in silence and calculate just how badly he screwed up. He doesn’t know how he is ever going to make it up to Yuugao; worse than the guilt or Asuma trying to rearrange his face, was the look in her eyes when she realized what Raidou did. He would sooner die than see that face again.

But that can’t even come close to the pain Yuugao and Asuma must be feeling, knowing that the two people they trust the most in this world did this to them. He doesn’t blame Asuma for hitting him; Raidou deserves worse.

“You really fucked up this time,” she says.

“That’s apparent.” He replies. Owl tuts at him.

“Was it worth it at least?” she asks. Raidou lets out a cold laugh.

“What do you think?” he replies. Owl shrugs.

“Right now, it’s not clear whether or not you think at all.” She brushes his cheek with a knuckle. Raidou winces at the pain. “He hit you pretty good.”

“I expected nothing less.”

“You didn’t even try to defend yourself.” Owl strokes his unbruised cheek. If he had enough time to drop Yuugao’s hand and step away from her, he could have dodged it.

“Well, I really deserved it.” Raidou says. She sighs.

“You really did.”

They are silent for a few minutes. Raidou lets Owl take care of him, the way she did when he was small. Eventually, he stands up, and Owl steps back. “I should got get Yuugao, walk her home.”

“You think that’s a good idea?” she asks.

“I have to face her eventually.” Raidou says, “I want to make it up to her.”

“You never will,” Owl says. If Himself cheated on her, she would send him to another dimension.

“That may be so,” he says, “but I owe it to her to spend the rest of my life trying.” She nods approvingly, and steps aside to let him go outside.

He’s grown up, if he isn’t running to Kurenai first.

**

Kurenai sits on the toilet, hunched over, holding herself. She feels nauseous, but she knows she isn’t going to puke. Genma sits on the edge of the tub, watching her closely. “Yuugao is going to be a really hot pregnant lady. I can tell.” Genma crosses his arms, “with you, Asuma made a mistake, but Raidou definitely wasn’t fucking around when he knocked her up.” Kurenai glares at him from under her brow. “Want a ginger ale?” he asks.

“No,” she replies. He frowns at her.

“You can’t stay in here forever,” he says. “You have to go face Asuma eventually.”

“How,” she says, “do you propose I’ll do that?” Genma grinds his teeth on his senbon.

“No fucking clue,” he says, “The ‘I’m not sorry’ was a bold choice.” Kurenai groans.

“It was the first thing that came to mind,” she says, “and I don’t know. I’m really not.” Genma pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Fuck, Kurenai,” he sighs, “why couldn’t you just lie like you have for the last three years? We wouldn’t be stuck in this bathroom.”

“I don’t know!” She says, “I don’t know, okay? I’m a lying whore and I don’t care about anyone besides myself and my baby. Are you happy?” she holds her hands up in a gesture of despair, and Genma tilts his head to the side.

“You’re not a whore, even though there is nothing wrong with that, and you care about other people.” He says, “we’ll wait until Asuma’s gone, and then you’re coming home with me. You’re in no shape to deal with him.”

“You mean that?” she asks. Kurenai really, really doesn’t want to go home with Asuma. She can tell that he needs a break from her, and she doesn’t want to watch him sulk. Genma nods.

“I’ll even carry you on my back, if you act extra pathetic.” He smiles at Kurenai, who smiles, before her face falls into a frown.

**

Asuma and Yuugao sit on the front steps of Aoba’s house. Asuma plays with his lighter, while Yuugao, arms wrapped around her knees, stares out onto the street. They are both in shock. Asuma can’t feel his body. Yuugao can’t cry, because it feels like the wind has been knocked out of her lungs, like Raidou kicked her in the diaphragm.

“Want one?” Asuma asks, pulling out his pack. Yuugao frowns.

“I’m pregnant,” she says. Asuma sighs. “You should have let me punch her. It doesn’t count if a pregnant person does it to another.” As Himself would say, _the universe opens a window as it closes a door_.

“It wouldn’t solve anything,” he replies. He still hasn’t processed it all, let alone the fact that this all started because Kakashi wanted to get his dick wet inside of someone who is pregnant with his friend’s baby. “Kakashi should have kept his mouth shut,” Asuma grunts. Yuugao nods. Everyone always says that they want to know, but no one ever means it. Asuma and Yuugao would have gladly lived in ignorance for the rest of their lives.

They sit in silence, until the front door opens. They turn around, and they both blink when they see it’s Raidou.

“Yuugao, Asuma,” he says softly. Asuma grunts. After punching Raidou in the face and hearing the stark contrast between his and Kurenai’s answers, Asuma isn’t even that mad at him, not anymore. Yuugao looks up at him, her lip quivering. She doesn’t want to break up with him, but she doesn’t know how they are going to get over it.

“Hi Raidou,” Yuugao says in a small voice.

“Can I walk you home, Yuugao?” Raidou asks, holding his forearm, like he thinks she will say ‘no.’ Yuugao nods her head.

“Yes.” She says softly, standing up.

Asuma watches them step out into the night, Raidou walking a step behind her, like a bodyguard.

**

Raidou is pretty sure he is going to have to crash on someone’s couch. Whose couch, he hasn’t yet figured out, but probably not his. He stops at the front door, watching Yuugao unlock it. She pushes it open and steps in, leaving it open behind her. He waits a minute, before poking his head in.

“Yuugao?” he asks. She stands in the living room, looking at him.

“Yes?” she asks.

“Why are you leaving the door open?” he asks, taking her keys out of the lock. She frowns at him.

“Don’t you live here?” she asks. Raidou walks in, slipping his shoes off, holding her keys in his fist. He locks the door behind him, and he walks to the kitchen.

“I’ll stay on the couch tonight,” he says. Yuugao frowns.

“No,” she says, “you’re coming to bed.” Raidou looks at her, his jaw hanging open.

“Why?” he asks. Yuugao presses her lips together, before speaking.

“Because you’re the father of my child.” She pauses. “I want to work it out, and that won’t happen if we start acting like we aren’t on the same team.” Yuugao frowns. “We’re on the same team, right?”

“Yes,” Raidou says, “absolutely.”

**

Kurenai wears one of Genma’s big sweaters. It used to belong to his dad, who was taller and fatter than him. Her hands are on her tummy, and she thinks about her baby, who is floating around inside of her, clueless to the world. Genma lies beside her, wearing sweatpants. The ring in his belly button still shines.

They are staring at the ceiling. It is a smooth, white plane. No cracks in the plaster, no water spots. Perfect and unmarred.

“I feel like shit,” Kurenai says.

“Could’ve been worse,” Genma replies. “Asuma and Raidou could have actually killed each other. Yuugao could have punched you in the face.” All things considered, he regards this as a win.

“What was I thinking?” she asks.

“About all of it?”

“Yes,” she says, “all of it.” Genma shrugs.

“Self-awareness isn’t your thing,” he replies. Kurenai swallows, and he sits there and listens to her finally cry.

**

Yuugao still hasn’t cried about it. She doesn’t know why, but the tears never come. Not when Raidou asks her if she’s okay or in couples therapy or in the bathroom at work. It’s not that she doesn’t want to cry; it’s that she feels incapable of doing so. When she told her parents that she is expecting, her mother told her that she’ll never cry over anything less than murder ever again. _Motherhood puts everything in perspective._ To a certain extent, it’s true. Yuugao does everything for the little baby inside of her. She even talks to it, in her head.

It’s been a month and a half. She has a belly now, a real one. It’s small, but it’s there. She has seen Kurenai around, but they haven’t spoken since the party. Yuugao doesn’t glare at Kurenai when she sees her, because there is a baby in her too, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have mean thoughts.

Yamato is walking with her today, picking her up from her appointment. “I’m going to have a girl,” she says, arms crossed. Yamato smiles at her with his frog face.

“That’s great news.” He says, “do you have a picture?” Yuugao nods, pulling out the sonogram picture.

“She looks like an alien.” She says, “I’m sorry that the miracle of life isn’t more photogenic.” He smiles, taking the picture from her hand.

“It doesn’t need to be pretty,” he replies. As someone with parents who love her dearly, she sometimes wonders how Yamato feels about not knowing who his parents were. Yuugao once told him that he could borrow her parents whenever he was feeling lonely. _My mother adores you_. He had laughed and said that he appreciated it.

“You know you’re going to be her uncle, right?” she says. Yamato smiles, big.

“That sounds really nice,” he says, passing the photo back to her. He smiles his big, cartoon frog smile, and she feels something soften inside of her. He has been extra kind to her this entire time. Yamato doesn’t glare at Raidou, but he has said that Yuugao is always welcome to stay in his spare room. She hasn’t taken him up on it, but she does tell him about couples’ therapy.

She is wearing a black dress, with scalloping on the edges. Her bump is visible, and it makes her feel a little vulnerable. Their therapist always tells them that they need to work together, assess what brought them here, but that’s not the problem. Her relationship with Raidou, up until now, has been _perfect_. She has never doubted his love or commitment to her, and they want the same things at the same time. She would rather not know, and she resents Kakashi for telling Asuma. It wouldn’t be a problem if she didn’t know about it,

“Which do you think is worse?” she asks, “Raidou cheating on me because of something I did, or his cheating having nothing to do with me?”

“There is nothing you could have done that would warrant him being unfaithful,” Yamato says. Yuugao sighs.

“It makes me feel powerless, knowing that it has nothing to do with me.” She says, “like, he went and did this incredibly hurtful thing, and my feelings didn’t occur to him at all?” Yamato’s face gets tight, and he says nothing. “He does everything to prove he’s sorry and that he wants to make this work, but not once has he given me a good explanation for why he did it.”

“Do you want to know his real reason?” Yamato asks. Yuugao nods.

“Yes, I would.” She says, not looking at him.

It is Yamato who spots them first. He places his hand on the small of her back, and Yuugao turns to him and sees the tense look on his face before she realizes that Genma and Kurenai are standing right in front of them. _We’re Anbu, how did we miss this?_ Yuugao thinks as she looks around for an exit. She looks at Kurenai, and frowns when it registers that Kurenai is looking at her. Yuugao presses herself to Yamato, crossing her arms. Yamato and Genma eye each other, and the latter looks irritated. If Yuugao had to guess, Genma is probably angry with the way Yamato is looking at Kurenai, rather than Yuugao. He spends a lot of time with Raidou, which means she sees him frequently.

“Hi.” Genma says lazily.

“Genma, Kurenai.” Yamato says in a polite voice.

“Yuugao.” Kurenai says, “how are you?”

“Fine,” Yuugao replies, “you?”

“Good.” Kurenai hums, “you look nice.” Yuugao frowns, because Kurenai’s overtures of friendship all ring false. Raidou hasn’t told her why he had sex with Kurenai, but Yuugao knows why Kurenai initiated sex with him and the reason she isn’t sorry. _You’re in love with him_.

The four of them stand in front of each other for a minute, not saying anything. Yamato puts his arm around Yuugao’s waist and starts moving.

“We’re leaving,” he says, not even waiting for a goodbye. He pushes her along until they are out of sight, which is when Yamato shares how he really feels. “Fuck Genma.”

“What did he do?” Yuugao asks, “he didn’t have sex with Raidou.”

“He was rude.” Yamato says. He doesn’t really have words to describe how Genma got under his skin. He just didn’t like how Genma looked at him.

“Kurenai is his friend,” she says softly, “he was just watching out for her. It’s fine.” Yamato tightens his hold on her waist, and he looks right at her.

“None of this is fine, Yuugao.”

**

Genma retorted “sounds good” and put his arm around Kurenai’s shoulders, marching her away, even though Yamato and Yuugao left first.

“Being rude to a pregnant lady,” he grumbles, “the goddamn nerve…”

“Genma,” Kurenai says, “Yamato didn’t do anything I didn’t deserve.” She has spent the last few weeks avoiding everyone but Genma. She doesn’t want to know what her friends think of her, and it’s hard enough looking at the space between her and Asuma when they are in bed. Last night, they had sex for the first time since he found out about the cheating. It was awful. She had been on all fours, looking at the headboard, and he couldn’t even stay hard. He withdrew and went to the bathroom to rub one out. It made her feel disgusting.

Kurenai had rolled over and cried on the bed, and when Asuma came back, he said nothing. He put a hand on her arm, but it didn’t feel reassuring. _We’ll get past it,_ he said. _When?_ She cried. Asuma said nothing, and they both lay awake until it was early enough for him to get out of bed. She went to the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried for a solid ten minutes before she called Genma, who has since spent the entire day with her.

She wishes she could talk to Raidou. He would know what to say. But he isn’t here anymore, so she has to make do.

“I should’ve spat my senbon into his eyeball,” Genma replies. He has witnessed the breakdowns and tears and suffering Kurenai has gone through. He isn’t defending her actions, but she doesn’t deserve to be judged so harshly.

“Why would you do that?” she asks.

“Not that you would understand, but loyalty, Kurenai,” he says. “I am very loyal to you. You did an asshole thing, but I don’t think it defines you, and you’re my friend, so I am going to stand by you.” He squeezes her shoulder and Kurenai presses her side to his.

**

When Yuugao finally allows herself to start crying, she does it in the office. Her parents don’t know, she doesn’t want to worry Yamato and she doesn’t want to give Raidou the satisfaction of seeing her cry. If she cries in front of him, he will feel the relief of finally seeing the pain on her face. By keeping calm, she deprives him from seeing just how bad he made her feel.

She knows her logic is twisted, but it’s how she feels. She is on desk duty now, so she spends all her time in her office. Raidou comes and visits her when he can, but it cuts into her crying time. This is greatly inconvenient, but it was almost exactly two weeks ago, today, that she realized that Raidou slept with Kurenai because he was in love with her. It had nothing to do with Yuugao or their relationship, and it never did.

She sits at her desk, crying, when she hears a gentle knock at the door. She doesn’t recognize it, and quickly wipes her face. “Come in!” The door opens, and Asuma sticks his head in. They blink at each other, before he steps in.

“Is this a bad time?” he asks. Yuugao flashes a smile, even though they both know it’s fake.

“Oh, no,” she says. “I was just—”

“Crying,” he says, “you were crying at noon on a Thursday.” Yuugao sighs.

“It’s because I don’t want anyone to see me.” She says, “but it’s okay if you do.” He knows how shitty she feels.

“How’s the baby?” he asks, sitting down on the chair in front of her desk.

“Active.” She says, resting her hand on her stomach. Yuugao wears pregnancy well. She glows from within, and her hair seems even silkier and shinier. “She’s always moving.” Yuugao places a hand over her stomach and smiles when she feels a little kick. Asuma eyes her hand.

“We’re expecting a girl too.” He says, offhandedly. “I think Kurenai gets kicked around a lot.” Yuugao’s face falls, and he doesn’t miss the way that she covers her bump, as if to protect it.

“How is Kurenai?” Yuugao asks. Asuma tilts his head, thinking.

“I don’t really know,” he says, “we share a bed, but we don’t really talk.” For Asuma, it’s easier being silent than it is to tell Kurenai how he feels. His brother told him to go to therapy, but Asuma doesn’t know how that could fix anything. Talking about his feelings won’t change what happened.

Yuugao nods. “It’s hard, talking.” She says, “I feel like we’re always talking around what happened.”

“Well, and what can they say?” he asks. “And four times, three years ago? It feels wrong that three years of being in a good place is just…cancelled out like that,” he rubs his temples. Asuma doesn’t smoke anymore, so he doesn’t have a good coping mechanism. His dentist told him that he is going to grind his teeth to shit, if he doesn’t find a way to manage the stress.

“I know how you feel,” Yuugao says quietly. “But it’s because they were in love.” Her voice breaks with the last word, and all her tears come back. Asuma just watches her cry, because it is how he feels, and it’s strange watching someone else have his emotions.

Yuugao’s face crumples, and she puts her head into her hands. Her shoulders shake, and for a second, Asuma thinks she will have a complete breakdown. But she breathes in and presses her fingers into her eyeballs. She stands up and walks over to Asuma.

“How do you feel?” she asks. He looks up at her, feeling like a little kid.

“Like shit.” He replies. Yuugao nods.

“Stand up.” She says, gesturing with her hands. Asuma looks at her, and she waves her arms again. He rises, slowly, looking at her.

Yuugao looks uncertain, but she opens her arms and embraces Asuma. He’s shocked by the human contact; his parents are both dead, and his brother isn’t particularly affectionate. He hasn’t been held, not close, in nearly two months. Yuugao presses the side of her face to his chest, and eventually, he returns her hug.

“I’m sorry,” she says, “it’s not right, what she did to you.” Raidou didn’t humiliate her, not like Kurenai did to Asuma.

A big feeling rises in Asuma, one that he doesn’t know how to control. He bites his lip, and she holds him tighter when she feels him begin to shake. He loses it when he feels her baby kick him in the stomach. It’s like there is nothing between them anymore.

Asuma and Kurenai always had protected sex. The condom broke, and Kurenai was on the pill. Turns out that isn’t 100% effective. There were times where she said they didn’t need condoms, but he always insisted. He wonders if he was trying to protect himself, by keeping a barrier between them. He loves his baby already, and he doesn’t regret getting Kurenai pregnant. He simply wishes that he had all the information, before he was lulled into this sense of peace and happiness that was ripped from him.

Strange noises, coming from a big man. He tucks his head into her neck. Yuugao presses herself to him and closes her eyes. She’d offer to buy him cigarettes, but he quit, and nothing would make him feel more pathetic than a pregnant woman buying him smokes.

“I’m sorry,” she says again, and that is when the first sob comes and breaks him open.

**

When Asuma was single, he actually spent most of his free time with Anko and Aoba. The three of them would get really, really high and fuck around. He was always the one keeping Anko from getting arrested and Aoba from dying in a gutter. They are chaotic, but he really likes it. They are just two chill people. There is no intrigue, or lies, or bullshit. Anko and Aoba are always who they are; two degenerates looking to get fucked up.

Months have gone by, and he still doesn’t know how to talk to Kurenai. They’ve started having sex again and they are talking, but not like they used to. He finds it hard to be intimate with her, because he no longer trusts her. So, he avoids being alone with her. He goes to doctor’s appointments and he always invites Genma over, because he doesn’t know how the fuck he is supposed to sit in a room, alone with Kurenai, and not think about the fact that he couldn’t fuck her right.

He still loves her, and he loves their baby, but he just doesn’t know where to go from here. _I hate being a grown up._ Asuma went drinking with Aoba and Anko, and they are both stupid drunk. Aoba needed to pee, so Asuma and Anko are waiting for him by an alley. Asuma watches Anko suck on a sour key that he bought her from the convenience store. Her lips are shiny and orange, and she is staring at Aoba’s back.

“Aoba,” she says, “I have a question for you.”

“What?” he groans, glancing at her over his shoulder.

“Are you my boyfriend?” she asks, referencing the book _Are You My Mother?_ It’s one of their bits. Aoba scoffs.

“You would date a guy who urinates in public, but I am not your boyfriend,” he says, “you couldn’t pay me enough to put my dick in you. Your vagina is probably cursed.” Anko puffs her cheeks, glaring at Asuma when he snorts.

“There are plenty of guys who would like to put their dicks in me!” Anko replies, “isn’t that right Asuma?”

“No comment,” Asuma says. There are lots of men who want Anko, but he hasn’t met a single one, other than Genma, who didn’t seem like they were with her because they wanted to eat her life force.

“Given the choice between you and a goat,” Aoba says, “I’d seriously consider the goat.” Anko thinks about responding in kind, but she restrains herself.

“Hurry up Aoba!” She says, “or we’ll leave you behind!” It’s 1 AM, and Asuma is pretty sure that Aoba has a key to Anko’s place, since that’s where they are going, but every so often, she likes to play at abandoning him. It’s to teach him gratitude, apparently. Asuma doesn’t really understand their friendship.

“Calm down,” he says, “I’m fixing myself, unless you want to see my dingle-dangle.”

“I could look at your dingle-dangle all day and feel nothing,” Anko shoots back. Asuma sighs to himself, thinking of all the decisions that led to him standing here, listening to Aoba and Anko squabble over Aoba’s penis.

“You two belong in a cage,” he says, “like zoo animals.”

“Well, if we’re so bad, why are you hanging out with us?” Anko replies, sucking on her sour key. It’s shiny, and all the salt-sugar has been sucked off the tip.

“Yeah,” Aoba turns around, dick secured in his pants. “Aren’t you going to be someone’s dad?” Asuma makes a face.

“I don’t really know how to be around Kurenai,” he says, “it’s been months, and I think she’s sorry, but… _fuck_ ,” he says as he rubs his face, “I want to be with her, and I want to be there for our family, but I just have no fucking clue how to do that.”

“Why don’t you do therapy?” Aoba says, “that’s what Raidou and Yuugao are doing, and he isn’t out here avoiding her.” Asuma doesn’t mention that it would be Yuugao doing the avoiding or that he caught her crying in her office today.

“I’ll look into it,” he says. Aoba and Anko shrug, before they tell Asuma that they are happy that he started hanging out with them again. Asuma smiles and nods, hanging back when the two of them start to walk away, Anko holding Aoba’s wrist to, quote unquote, avoid his dick germs.

**

Raidou sits across from Kurenai, arms crossed. He doesn’t want to see her, but she came over while he and Aoba are visiting Genma. The four of them sit at the table, Aoba picking at his dinner while Genma looks between the two of them, clearly wondering what, exactly, Kurenai and Raidou are going to say to each other.

He taps his foot, and he can tell that it is annoying Kurenai. Raidou increases the tempo and watches her eye twitch. Aoba bites the bullet and decides to try and initiate a conversation.

“So, how’s the baby Kurenai?” he asks.

“Kicking,” she replies in a curt voice.

“Why are you here?” Raidou asks. Aoba and Genma look at each other when they realize that dinner is effectively ruined.

“I came here to see Genma,” she replies.

“Great. You’ve seen him,” he says, “leave.” Genma opens his mouth to defuse the situation, but Kurenai is too quick.

“Is my being here a problem?”

“Yeah, it is,” Raidou says, “we obviously need space—”

“Obviously?”

“Where the fuck have you been for the last few months?”

“Where have _you_ been?” Kurenai stands up, her palms flat on the table. “We had sex four times, three years ago, and now you can’t even be around me?” Raidou rubs his face, frustrated at how simple she makes this all sound.

“Have you forgotten why we’re here?” he asks. “We cheated on people who we love, who love us and who we are about to have children with, Kurenai.”

“So that means we have to ignore each other?” she asks. Raidou makes a noise in his throat, which Kurenai interprets as dismissive. This only makes her double down in her anger. “We made the decision to have sex together.” Aoba sticks a cold noodle into his mouth, decided to watch the free entertainment. Genma sips on his coffee, more or less accustomed to the way Raidou and Kurenai fight with each other.

“I am keenly aware, Kurenai.” He still rubs one out to the memory of her saying that his semen is her favorite.

“Raidou, we were in _love_.” She says, a little hysterical. “I still love you, and you’re icing me out!” Her tone becomes panicky, rather than angry, and there is nothing more Raidou wants to do than tell her that it will all be okay, but it isn’t.

Raidou stands up, realizing that he needs to man up and learn how to walk away from Kurenai. He’s never been able to do it, but they are having families now, and they can’t keep doing this little kid shit.

“Look, I need to go,” he declares, “we’re different people from who we were three years ago, Kurenai.” Aoba winces reflexively, and Genma rolls his eyes. Kurenai and Raidou still know how to push each other’s buttons, so really, nothing has changed. Raidou walks away from the table and goes to pick up his keys.

“If we were different people, you wouldn’t be running away!” Kurenai retorts. Raidou pauses for a second, before looking back at her.

“I never,” he starts, “not once, walked out on you while we were together.” He puts his keys in his pocket, and frowns. “Not once, in those four times we had sex, did I run away from you. I ran towards you, and that’s not who I am anymore.” His mouth twitches as he lands the killing blow. “Kurenai, you’re not that person to me, anymore.” Aoba’s jaw drops, and Genma looks at Kurenai, who makes a choking noise.

Her face twists up, and it really and truly hits her when Raidou doesn’t walk over to comfort her. He really and truly, is moving on. “Fuck you, Raidou,” she says, not a particularly witty come back. “I don’t believe you.” Aoba and Genma don’t entirely believe him either, but it’s really none of their business.

“Well,” he says, “you have to. You have Asuma now. He is a much better man than I am.” Asuma wouldn’t cheat four times and then tell Kurenai he wasn’t sorry. Raidou bets that Asuma would be very sorry. He is a fair person, who believes that justice is real.

“He’s not you,” Kurenai says, “and Yuugao isn’t me.”

“That’s kinda the point,” Raidou sighs. “It was never going to work between us.”

“You don’t know that!” Kurenai says, walking right up to him. She’s pregnant, so it’s more of a waddle, but it is intimidating, nonetheless.

“Yeah, I do,” he says, gesturing with his hands, “look at us. We aren’t even together and we’re fighting like a married couple.”

“That’s chemistry, Raidou,” Kurenai says, unsure of what she is really trying to prove. She wants to make him acknowledge the depth of their bond, but she doesn’t want to blow up their relationships. In other words, she wants it both ways, which is what she had before Kakashi opened his big mouth and fucked it all up.

“Chemistry?” he asks, “we make each other insane.”

“Because we love each other, asshole.” She looks up at him from under her brow, and she doesn’t flinch when his eyes bore into hers. “I’m with Asuma, and I am happy to be with him, and I love him and our baby, but I still love you, and that isn’t going to go away because you don’t talk to me.” Kurenai’s love for Raidou knows no limits. Its intensity has prepared her for motherhood, in the sense that she isn’t surprised to know that she can love a person so absolutely and completely.

Raidou clenches his jaw, because what she says is true. If he could just walk away from her, and stop feeling how he feels, he would have done that by now. But that doesn’t mean that he can’t try to do the right thing, which is to step back.

“I need to do this,” he says quietly, “it’s not just me anymore.” Kurenai blinks, her mouth twitching.

“I wanted you,” she says quietly, “I wanted you so bad, for such a long time, and it hurts to see you be all those things with someone else.” Raidou closes the gap between them, and Aoba and Genma both feel like they are seeing something they shouldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he mouths, putting his hand up to her cheek. “I’m very sorry that I couldn’t be that man for you.” This is how they both know that he still loves her very much. “I can’t do anything to change what has happened, and I wouldn’t, even if I could.”

“I know,” she says quietly. Kurenai steps away first. “I’m a coward.”

“You’re a person.” He says quietly. “And I was a coward too.”

Rarely, do their fights end so gracefully. Aoba and Genma were expecting a shit show, Raidou was expecting emotional violence, and Kurenai thought that she would say something hateful. But it just ends there, with Raidou putting his hand on her cheek and looking into her eyes, while they both think of the choices that led up to this point.

**

When Raidou gets home from walking off his fight with Kurenai, Yuugao is waiting for him. She is on the couch, watching him as soon as he steps in the door. She looks like she has been crying, and he feels guilty, because he knows that she is crying because of him. If someone hurts their daughter the way he hurt Yuugao…Long ago, Raidou came to terms with his own hypocrisy. He takes his shoes off, not saying anything.

Yuugao has been thinking about how in love Kurenai and Raidou were with each other. She tortures herself with various twisted scenarios. Kurenai cutting her palm open and making Raidou lick it. Raidou telling Kurenai all his secrets, his mouth over hers. How they had sex four times behind Yuugao and Asuma’s backs. She knows that it wasn’t a messy one-off thing, or because they were both horny. _Kurenai and Raidou probably didn’t use a condom, probably looked into each other’s eyes, probably said I love you_ … It makes her guts twist. She sits and thinks about it, obsessing, wondering if he thinks about Kurenai when he’s inside of her.

Raidou stands by the door, unsure of how to approach Yuugao. “Are you okay?” he asks, knowing the answer. Yuugao frowns.

“Why did you do it?” she asks. He blinks at her.

“Why did I…”

“Why did you have sex with Kurenai?” she asks, sniffing. Raidou sighs with his whole body, his shoulders drooping. “And don’t lie to me.” They both know that she already knows the truth.

“Because I was in love with Kurenai.” He knows better than to lie. Yuugao sucks in a breath, waiting for him to continue. “But that is in the past, Yuugao. I love you, and I choose you and our family. I’ll do whatever you want.” She is his priority. Raidou looks down at the ground, wishing to be swallowed whole.

“Raidou?” Yuugao says. He looks up at her.

“Yeah?” he walks over to the couch.

“I’m tired of not crying in front of you,” she says, finally admitting that she was doing it on purpose. Raidou sighs, sitting down next to her.

“You can always cry in front of me,” he says, putting his hand to her cheek. She holds his wrist, pressing her thumb to his pulse point.

She makes him watch her face crack apart, slowly. Her forehead wrinkles, her eyes narrow. Raidou doesn’t look away, not even when she pulls her lips into a grimace and gets really ugly. He opens his arms to her, and she climbs onto him, tucking her head into his neck.

“Can I hold you?” he asks. Yuugao nods and wraps her arms around his neck. It kills Raidou, to hear these noises come out of her, to see her like this and know it is his fault. He wraps his arms around her and looks up at the ceiling. He feels her bump, their baby, against his stomach, and he feels horrible. He hurt Yuugao, he hurt Asuma, he hurt two babies who don’t even exist, all because he was in love with Kurenai but not man enough to tell her how he really felt.

That said, he doesn’t want Kurenai. He wants Yuugao, and their family. It’s not even a contest. Yuugao takes in a breath, and pulls back, taking her face in his hands.

“I want to move past this,” she says in a shaky voice. “I want to be a family.”

“I want that too,” he says quietly.

“Okay,” she says, “look, if we are going to make this work, you can’t be friends with Kurenai anymore. Not like how you were.” Yuugao will never trust Kurenai again, and Raidou has to earn it. Raidou knows that he is in no position to negotiate. Kurenai is his family, his whole past, but what’s the past compared to the future?

“Okay,” he says quietly. “I won’t spend time with her.” He doesn’t bother telling Yuugao that he already decided to do this.

“You can see her,” Yuugao says, “but someone has to be there.” Raidou nods.

“That’s more than fair.” He watches her tear up, her eyes wide open. It’s like he can see the tears start at the backs of her eyeballs and slide forward, even though that’s not how it works.

Yuugao thought that when she finally cried in front of him, that her eyes would be screwed shut and that she’d want to pretend that it didn’t happen, but that’s not the case. It did happen, but he chose her, and they are going to be a family, and while it’s hard now, they are going to be okay.

**

Contrary to popular belief, Kurenai does feel bad about what happened, which is not mutually exclusive from not being sorry. She doesn’t regret the sex for a few reasons. It was good sex. The kind that helps you understand your place in the universe. It helped her and Raidou purge themselves of each other; it forced them to come to terms with the end of their relationship. She still chose Asuma in the end. The means, for her, don’t matter.

She walks back into their apartment to find Asuma sitting on the couch, rubbing his temples. He looks frustrated. He looks like he needs a smoke, and he has a hunted look in his eyes. Kurenai slips her shoes off and walks over to the counter, putting her purse there. After Raidou left, Aoba dipped and Genma watched a movie with her. He told her she could stay the night, but she declined. She has to face Asuma eventually.

She looks at Asuma. _He’s like this because of me_. She does feel bad for hurting him. He is a good man, and he doesn’t deserve this bullshit. “We need to talk,” he says. “Like, actually talk.”

“I agree,” she says, walking to the couch to sit beside him.

“Why?” he asks. “Why the fuck did you have sex with Raidou while we were together?” Kurenai bites the inside of her cheek.

“I was confused,” she says, diplomatically. It’s not a lie but neither it is the truth. She is a genjutsu master; illusions and obfuscation are her specialty. It’s why she worked so well with Asuma and Raidou; the two of them are very straightforward. Neither are particularly imaginative people. Their sensei called her their wild card. _She’s the most interesting thing about you two_. Raidou’s brother and Himself said the same thing, more or less. Owl always disagreed, but Kurenai never liked her very much.

“Confused?” Asuma asks, unimpressed. It’s bush league misdirection. He expected more. “Do you really think I believe that?” _Do you think I’m a moron?_

“You can’t say something isn’t the truth because you don’t like it,” she replies. Asuma sighs. He decides to take Aoba and Anko’s advice, although he’ll probably regret it.

“We need to go to therapy.” He says, “if this is going to work, we are going to go to therapy and deal with the fact that our relationship is in crisis.” Kurenai knows that he is being considerate by not pushing her to answer his earlier question.

“Okay,” she says.

“And you can’t be friends with Raidou, not like how you were,” Asuma says, “it’s okay if someone else is there, but it’s me or him. I’m not going to hang around where I’m not wanted.” Kurenai nods.

“I want this to work,” she says. “I want to be with you.”

“Really?”

“I’ll tell Genma to tell Raidou that I won’t see him anymore.” Kurenai stands up and walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Asuma slumps back on the couch, watching her back.

They were never a very affectionate couple. They tried to keep their relationship from their genin, and neither of them are particularly touchy-feely people. It never made him feel insecure until he found out she had sex with Raidou while they were together. He wonders if she is missing something, if something is wrong with them. He never had doubts, before Kakashi decided to open his big fat mouth. Not for the first time, Asuma wishes he was ignorant. There are few things worse than knowing the truth.

**

3 years later

**

Three years is, in the grand scheme of things, no time at all. Nonetheless, a lot can change. Raidou makes eye contact with Yuugao the very minute their daughter squeezes her juice box, getting juice all over her brother. Raidou and Yuugao sigh at each other, as their son cries out in delight. Raidou reaches down for him, rolling his eyes at the little girl giggling at his feet.

“You two are such weird kids,” he says. Most babies would have screamed, but not his son. He grins up at him, and Raidou does his best to avoid tripping over all the toys. “I need to get a better system,” he says as Yuugao comes up to him, arms out for their son.

“I think the problem is that you think there even is a system, beyond just having a toybox.” Raidou places him in her arms. Yuugao smooths their son’s hair. “Taro, Taro,” she says, “what are we going to do with you?”

Kitaro is eight months old. Yuugao named him after a Japanese philosopher she likes. She tried to explain the concept of radical non-being to Raidou once, and he got a headache. Kitaro is a chubby baby. He looks like Yuugao, but he is more outgoing. He points all over the place, and he is starting to try and speak. He looks up at Yuugao and makes some indecipherable noises. She smiles.

“I know,” she says, “you know exactly what you want.” She walks down the hall, towards his room, when Hikari realizes that she is all alone in the kitchen.

Hikari, like Mirai, is nearly three. She looks, freakily, like Raidou _. Who would have thought that you would be such a cute little girl?_ Genma had once said. Raidou hears her run out of the kitchen, and all the way up to him.

“I was all alone,” she says, wrapping herself around his leg. He smiles to himself, bending over to stare at the back of her head.

“You were never alone.” He says, “your mom and I were just in the other room.”

“You took Taro,” she says, rubbing her face into his knee. Raidou sighs.

“You got juice all over him,” he replies, “what was I supposed to do, leave him there?”

“Yes,” she says, looking up at him with a grin.

Fatherhood is even better than Raidou thought it would be. He finds it incredibly rewarding, more so than he thought possible.

He understands a lot of the things his father had tried to teach him. Things like ethics, integrity; the things that make a man. Kari looks up at him, and he can only think of happy things. She touches a hand to his face, smiling.

“Your face is itchy,” she says. She always mixes ‘itchy’ up with ‘scratchy.’

“I need to shave,” he replies. Before she can reply, the front door opens, and they look over to see Genma kick off his shoes.

“Want to hang out?” he asks. He grins when Kari bounds over to him. Raidou stands up and watches her, hands on his hips, grinning. _Yuugao and I made her_. He still doesn’t understand how someone so perfect is half of him. Yuugao is pretty much perfect, so it makes sense that her children would be. If he had to guess, he would say that Yuugao outweighs all the bad in him.

Genma kneels down to give a Kari a high-five. He doesn’t want children of his own but getting to hang out with kids is actually kind of fun. “Do you want to go on an adventure?”

“Yeah!” Kari says, throwing her hands into the air. Genma copies her, and she turns to Raidou, throwing her hands up in the air again. Clearly, she wants him to do the same. So, he does. Kari grins and scampers off to Taro’s room, presumably, to tell her mom and brother that she gets to go on an adventure with Daddy _and_ Genma. Taro doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body, so he’ll probably wiggle and smile with his fist in his mouth. Yuugao will smile and tell Kari that she must feel like a big girl. Raidou can see it all. Yuugao tells him that he has eyes on the back of his head. _You don’t miss anything_. There is actually a lot that he misses, and he kind of clumsy, but his family is his priority. His _star_ , one could say.

He was in deep, soul love with Kurenai, and he still loves her deeply, but Yuugao gave him…all of this. He would kill for Kurenai and Mirai, and their safety is up there with his own family, but he doesn’t look at them and feel the same tingle in the side of his neck.

Genma walks towards him, watching Raidou look back at Taro’s room. “She looks like she came out of you.”

“Poor girl,” Raidou hums, turning back to him. “So, where are we going?” 

“On an adventure,” Genma grins, “just a walk, really.” Raidou nods, like ‘ah’ and looks over when Kari comes running out towards them.

**

Kari runs up ahead of Genma and Raidou, her arms sticking straight out, like she’s an airplane. She makes airplane noises too. People on the street smile at her, and Raidou always catches up and keeps her from knocking things over.

When he sees Kurenai carrying groceries, Mirai holding onto her skirt, Raidou smiles. He and Kurenai are allowed to spend time together, with supervision. That hasn’t changed. Kurenai smiles right at him, and Raidou feels his whole body relax. Genma waves at Kurenai, but Kari is too busy in her own little world to pay attention. Mirai sees this, and charges towards her. She spins and doesn’t see when Mirai grabs her from behind. Kari screams, and then giggles when she realizes it’s just Mirai.

Raidou insists on taking the groceries and Mirai insists on Genma and Kari coming to visit. It doesn’t take much convincing, and Raidou and Kurenai walked beside each other, watching their children hang off of Genma. _Did you ever think life would be this way?_ Kurenai had asked. Raidou shrugged. There was no way he could have imagined anyone as perfect as his kids. Kari traces his scar and the spiral on Yuugao’s arm, and he finds himself hoping that she will remain untouched by Konoha. He wants her to be a ninja, don’t get him wrong—he just wants her to also, somehow, remain the same. No nightmares, scars or tattoos. She can just coast at chunnin.

Kari is his daughter, so she probably won’t do that or take his advice, but he is going to be there to pick her back up and encourage her, no matter what she does. _Did you?_ Raidou replied to Kurenai. She looked up at him and smiled. _No_.

When they finally got into Asuma and Kurenai’s house, Kari and Mirai immediately dragged Genma into the other room, while Raidou kicked off his shoes and took the groceries to the kitchen. Kurenai watched his back, before taking off her own shoes and following him.

“Thanks,” she says, “I could have carried them, really.”

“I’d be a schmuck if I let you carry your groceries home,” he says, setting them down on the counter. They hear Genma squawking from the other room, and two distinct giggles, which is how they know that he is being tormented. “Of course, he gets outsmarted by two three-year-old kids.” Kurenai smiles.

“I think he just plays dumb.” She says, “he’s very good-natured. No one who falls in love with Anko and spends that much time with Aoba is as grouchy as Genma pretends to be.” Raidou takes the carton of eggs out of the brown bag and passes it to Kurenai.

“You could be onto something there.” Kurenai takes the eggs from him and puts them in the fridge.

The thing about spending years of your life with someone is that it is easy to fall back into your natural rhythm with them. Raidou would always unpack things, and Kurenai would put them away. She has taken the system he’d taught her when they were teenagers.

“I miss hanging out,” Kurenai says, closing the fridge. “Do you think we could get Asuma and Yuugao to maybe go to a concert with us?” It’s hopeless; Asuma and Yuugao like spending time with each other but it’s still uncomfortable when it is just the four of them. Asuma just doesn’t get their taste in music and Yuugao doesn’t really like the weird movies that Kurenai and Raidou would watch. It’s a petty frustration, but it’s valid. But they are still on probation, and neither Kurenai nor Raidou want to rock the boat.

“I doubt it,” he says, “it’s not their scene.” Raidou pulls out a bag of apples and then a cucumber. He looks to Kurenai, who is about to say something when they hear little footsteps, and see Kari run into the kitchen, straight for Raidou’s leg. She presses her face into the side of his calf, wrapping her arms around him.

“Daddy,” she says. Kurenai watches Raidou immediately focus all of his attention on Kari.

“What is it?” he asks, bending down. Kari lets go of his leg and looks up at him, head tilted.

“I missed you,” she says quietly. He smiles and scoops her up. Kari looks at Kurenai over his shoulder. While she is familiar with Asuma, she doesn’t know Kurenai very well. She scares her a little, actually, even though she’s very pretty. Kurenai smiles, and Kari shies away, pressing her face into Raidou’s neck. _Rejected by a toddler_ , Kurenai thinks, wilting. It’s bad enough that Yuugao doesn’t trust her; it just feels cruel that Raidou’s daughter doesn’t like her. Kari looks like she came out of Raidou, but she has Yuugao’s shy mannerisms. The way she looks up from beneath her brow, the quirk of her lip.

“I was right here all along,” he says. Kari looks at him.

“Okay,” she hums. Raidou smiles at her, when Mirai comes in with a bunch of soft, plastic, squeaky blocks in her arms, Genma following her with more.

“Why did you leave?” Mirai asks. Kari shrugs in a noncommittal way.

“She’s a big baby,” Genma says, dropping the blocks onto the kitchen floor. Kari narrows her eyes at him, while Kurenai finishes unpacking and putting away the groceries.

“He’s really annoying, isn’t he?” Raidou says. Kari and Mirai grin and nod.

Mirai starts stacking the blocks, and Genma and Raidou help her. Kari wiggles out of Raidou’s arms and watches. Kurenai watches them from afar, and she thinks about the idea of a second child. She and Asuma both agreed that one is enough. Their family feels complete and considering how their relationship nearly ended during her last pregnancy, they both thought it would be best to not push their luck. Put the past behind them. She got her tubes tied two months after Mirai was born, and she doesn’t feel like she is missing out. But sometimes, when she sees Mirai with another child, she wonders if she made the right decision. _Do you think Raidou and Yuugao will go for three?_ Genma told Kurenai that he thinks they will stop at four. _Who would think that an Anbu operative and assassin would want to have so many kids?_ It made Kurenai feel a little sick.

When the tower is finished, Kari knocks it down. Mirai opens her mouth to complain, when Asuma calls out from the front door. Mirai runs towards the front hall without a second thought, and Kari follows her. Raidou watches them scamper down the hall and feels something inside of him warm up.

**

Yuugao loves both her children more than she has ever loved anyone else. That said, Taro is a really sweet baby. Kari was always very stoic, and her personality has only really manifested as she has gotten older. But Taro is just a big, cute, happy baby. He looks up at her, drooling all over a soft, rubber teething toy. Yuugao looks down at him, before kissing his forehead. He giggles, before turning to look at Yamato, who is sitting beside them on the couch.

“He loves you,” Yamato says. Yuugao turns to him, smiling.

“You think?” she asks.

“Uh-huh.” Yamato pokes Taro’s cheek, as the baby grins at him. “He lights up with you.”

“He’s my little baby,” she says, “I could eat him up.” _Raidou and I made two perfect babies_. She feels lucky to know her own children. “Kari copied Genma when he said ‘yuck,’ when Raidou kissed Taro and I goodbye.”

“He’s a bad influence,” Yamato says, “I’m perfect. I’m so perfect, that not only did I take a picture of the four of you last week, but I also put it in a frame and set it on the mantle myself.” She had to force Raidou and Kari to smile, but Taro naturally lit up in front of the camera.

“I love Raidou, an awful lot,” she hums, “but you and Taro are my perfect boys. Isn’t that right?” she asks, directing her question at Taro. Yamato smiles, feeling like a distant star and yet, happy to be there.

Taro hooks his little hand into the neckline of her t-shirt, and pulls it down, scratching her a little. Yuugao kisses him again, because she loves him in the infinite way mothers are supposed to.

  
**

Raidou leans on the counter, next to Kurenai. The kitchen window is open; there is a breeze. A typical, beautiful day in Konoha. A great day for an adventure. Asuma and Genma are with Kari and Mirai in the living room, and they can hear the delighted squealing of little children. Raidou smiles at the noise, and something in Kurenai’s heart pulls.

“She looks just like you,” she says, “it’s scary.” They never get to talk like this anymore, just the two of them. “She has your brother’s widow’s peak.” Kurenai twists a lock of hair around a finger. Raidou has never pointed Kari’s hairline to anyone, not even Yuugao. He just nods.

“The dead are always in the living,” Raidou says, crossing his arms. Kurenai looks up at him, and he can tell that she wants to say something to him. He leans in, but a series of giggles and footsteps prevent him from ever finding out.

Kari and Mirai burst in, running away from Genma, whose fingers are wiggling behind them. Mirai runs behind Kurenai’s legs, sticking her face out from between her knees, her tongue out. Kari reaches up for Raidou, who leans down to pick her up.

“What is it?” he asks. Kari smiles.

“Genma is so ugly it’s scary,” she says. Raidou laughs out loud, and Kurenai can feel Mirai giggling.

“That’s _rich_ ,” Genma says, “when you two twerps came from the ugliest people I know.” Kari and Mirai laugh harder, the former pressing her whole little body onto Raidou’s shoulder while the latter wraps her arms around Kurenai’s knees. Asuma walks into the kitchen after Genma, winking at Mirai.

“Watch him, you two,” Asuma says, gesturing at Genma. Mirai smiles back at him, showing her father all of her teeth, and Kari salutes Asuma, before making a face at Genma. Kurenai opens her mouth to speak, when they hear a knock at the window. They all turn, and Kari squeaks when she sees the porcelain mask.

“Namiashi,” Fox says. Raidou hands Kari to Kurenai, and the two eye each other as Raidou reaches for the summons. Kari blinks up at Kurenai, someone who she doesn’t know very well, despite how close she is with Mirai and Asuma. Kurenai is intimidatingly pretty, and Kari feels a little exposed when Kurenai looks at her. She’s too young to articulate this, but it is like Kurenai can see inside of her. Kari starts squirming, reaching for her father, but he is reading a scroll.

“Looks like Kari thinks you’re a hag,” Genma grins, “she is definitely smarter than Raidou.” Asuma snorts, stepping forward to take Kari, who immediately jumps to him. It hurts Kurenai’s feelings.

Raidou sighs big, closing the scroll as Asuma sets Kari down. She runs up to Raidou, squealing.

“What is it?” Kurenai asks, watching Raidou kneel down to Kari.

“Classified,” he sighs. It’s not a hit, but it’s the kind of mission that probably won’t have an official record. Kari touches his nose. “I got to go, like, now.” He won’t even have time to go home and tell Yuugao where he is going.

“I’ll take her home,” Genma says, “Yuugao could probably use a break.”

“You’d do that?” Raidou asks, smiling. Genma nods. Raidou smiles, looking at Kari. “You’re going to behave?”

“Yes,” she says in a bright, cheery voice. She looks just like him, but she has her mother’s quirks; the way she tries to hide her smile, the soft, bright way she speaks. “Are you going away?”

“Yeah,” he says, “but I’ll be home as soon as I can.” Kari frowns, and he places his hand to the side of her head, her little cheek filling his palm, as he kisses the side of her head. “You’ll be good for Mommy? You won’t pick on Taro?”

“No,” Kari says quietly. “Where are you going?” Raidou tucks the scroll in to his pocket, thinking about how he would like to answer that question. _Where am I going?_ Kari frowns at him with her version of his face. _I really do look like a miserable asshole sometimes_.

“It’s a secret,” he says, “I can’t tell.” Kari narrows her eyes at him.

Kurenai watches this exchange and steps away from Mirai. She kneels down, and Kari eyes her with a suspicious look. “We have a globe in the other room. It’s a miniature version of the whole world,” Kurenai says, “would you like to see all the other places he could be?” This does intrigue Kari. Mirai smiles big.

“It’s a lot of fun,” Mirai says, “let’s go.” Kari bites her lip and looks at Raidou for permission.

“Go have fun,” he says, “I’ll be home soon.” Kari kisses his chin, and he doesn’t bother with the obvious _I love you_. “See you.” He waves, heading to the door. Mirai and Kari run to the other room, and they all hear the lock click behind Raidou.

“Every fucking time,” Asuma says, while Genma cackles.

Kurenai feels a sense of foreboding, but she dismisses it. Bad things don’t happen to them anymore.

**

Motherhood, despite its frustrations, has been a very rewarding experience for Yuugao. She is sitting on the kitchen floor, her legs sprawled out in front of her, with Taro sitting between them and Kari on her thigh. There is an open tub of plain yogurt in front of them, and Taro has his hands stuck in it. Yuugao read on a parenting website that it could be fun for him to play with, and judging from the delighted noises Taro is making, it’s true. He’s wearing just a diaper, for ease of clean up.

It’s the kind of messy thing Raidou wouldn’t understand and consider wasteful, so it’s their secret, Yuugao told Taro and Kari, who both giggled.

He holds up his arms, covered in yogurt, and shrieks with delight when Kari picks up a handful and rubs it into his hair. Taro is a very happy baby; Kari was always a little shy, but Taro loves being with people. Raidou asked her where she thinks he gets it from. She replied that it is simply his own self manifesting. _We made a happy person._ Raidou had grinned and asked her if she thought they could make another one. She jumped him there, even though, after, he said that he didn’t really know if they were ready for another baby. Most people in Konoha only have one, two at most. They would be an outlier.

Raidou has never said it, but part of it is his guilt that Kurenai got her tubes tied. Asuma and Kurenai never really got over the cheating, because unlike Raidou, Kurenai didn’t roll over. Raidou and Kurenai haven’t been close, but they speak when others are around. It used to make Yuugao jealous, but it doesn’t, not anymore. She is very secure with her place in his life. She keeps meaning to tell him that it’s okay now, he can be friends with Kurenai, but it slips her mind.

Taro gets yogurt all over Kari’s face. “Tar- _OH_ ,” she squeals, falling back onto the floor.

“You alright baby?” Yuugao places her hand on Kari’s little foot, while Taro rubs yogurt onto his face. Kari frowns, just like Raidou, and sits up.

“I hate him.” She says in a certain voice. 

Yuugao sighs, holding her arms out. Kari gets up and climbs back onto Yuugao’s thigh and presses her face into her mother’s armpit. It’s a very Raidou thing to do. It’s funny, how alike they are. Yuugao sighs at her yogurt covered shirt. She wraps her arms around Kari, who is slumped against her.

“You don’t hate your brother.”

“Yes, I do,” Kari says, “give him away.”

“To who?” Yuugao asks.

“Genma or Asuma.” Kari says. Yuugao scrunches her nose.

“Your daddy and I love your brother a whole lot though. I don’t think either of us could part with him.” Yuugao presses her lips to Kari’s cheek, and then licks the yogurt there. Kari squeals and places a palm over her cheek, giggling.

“Where is Daddy?” she asks. Yuugao sighs. According to Genma, the mission was urgent and Raidou had to leave when he got the summons.

“He’s out,” she says, “he’ll be home soon.”

“How soon?” Kari says. Yuugao shrugs.

“As soon as he is able.”

**

Kurenai and Asuma sit on the couch beside each other, and Kurenai is holding Asuma’s hand in her lap. Shin has really helped them work on their communication. Without him, Asuma would have walked out on Kurenai, things were that bad. They keep going to therapy because Shin helps them keep each other accountable, and they are both afraid of changing anything when things are finally going well for them.

“How are you two?” Shin asks, smiling. Kurenai smiles at Asuma, who answers.

“I think we’re doing well.” He squeezes her hands.

“That’s fantastic. And Mirai?” Shin asks.

“She wants to be an airplane when she grows up,” Kurenai says, “or a lion tamer.”

“My daughter wanted to be a snail,” Shin said, “they are so funny at that age.” He feels like he has seen Asuma and Kurenai grow up in front of his eyes. It’s been rewarding to see them become the kind of partners and parents they are.

“A snail, huh?” Asuma asks, turning to Kurenai. “I should suggest that to Mirai.” Kurenai squeezes his hands, smiling.

“I don’t think she’ll go for it.” They feel incredibly connected as a couple, but there are still a few things they haven’t been able to fully address. Asuma still has some resentment, and he shies away from the question of completely forgiving Kurenai. But each session, he steps closer and closer, and Shin feels like it’s only a matter of time.

**

The thing about living through two wars, is that it gets a lot easier to tell jokes. Traumatized people don’t see the beauty in life, so much as it becomes one big joke. After surviving two wars, losing their parents and weathering the bullshit of Raidou and Kurenai, Asuma and Genma are both certain that the worst is over. Everything else is laughable, in comparison.

When Asuma sees Genma standing outside of Kakashi’s office, he grins. Their Hokage loves to mess around when Shizune and Shikamaru aren’t around to crack the metaphorical whip. Even better when Raidou isn’t there to judge them. More often than not, the three of them sit around and do nothing. It’s something they all look forward to.

Genma salutes Asuma and pushes open the door, holding it open for him. “Howdy,” Genma says to Kakashi, who sits at his desk. Asuma can’t see his face, but something looks off. Like Kakashi’s posture is too tight.

“Something wrong?” Asuma asks.

“I can’t deal with another problem.” Genma yawns, “I bet you’re just trying to have gravitas.” Kakashi doesn’t say anything, but he does slump. Asuma and Genma look at him, blinking stupidly.

“Something happened.”

“Things are always fucking happening,” Genma says. It strikes Asuma that, rather than sounding angry or annoyed, Kakashi sounds very sad.

“Raidou died.”

Genma laughs, and Asuma and Kakashi stare at him. “No fucking way,” he says, “this has to be a joke.” Kakashi clenches his hands into fists.

“This isn’t a joke, Genma,” he says softly. The report came in a few hours ago, and the body has already been returned and autopsied.

“Dead?” Asuma says, “like, not breathing without a pulse kind of dead?”

“Yes,” Kakashi replies.

The real, selfish reason Kakashi called them here is that he doesn’t want to be the one to tell Yuugao or Kurenai. He has done a lot of fucked up things in his life but telling Yuugao that Raidou isn’t coming home or Kurenai that a piece of her soul is dead is something he doesn’t want on his conscience.

Genma puts a hand over his mouth, and Asuma looks horrified. No one says anything.

“What happened?” Genma asks.

“Anbu gave him the wrong summons.” Kakashi says. “Owl and Himself found him.” He doesn’t mention that Himself hasn’t said a word and that Owl is in hysterics. It’s like Raidou’s brother died all over again. _The brothers Namiashi are no more_.

**

It’s Genma who asks to see the body. Asuma watches the medical examiner pull the sheet down, and there is Raidou. People say the dead look peaceful or like they are asleep, but no, Raidou just looks dead _. This is worse than you fucking Kurenai_. Asuma doesn’t know, but he is pretty sure that it was without a condom. Kurenai has never gave him a straight answer.

The story comes out like this: Raidou was supposed to receive a mission, but an escort. What he ended up getting, through clerical error, was an urgent intelligence mission. The kind that requires a team to work on. Anbu didn’t catch the error until a few days later, and when they were dispatched to the location, they found Raidou. Sword through the stomach, nailed to a tree.

Asuma’s mind glazes over, as various details go over his head _. Severed spinal cord. Major blood loss_. He retains the fact that Raidou probably lingered, for a bit. Fatal injury doesn’t mean a quick death.

Genma and Asuma both stare at the body, not saying anything. “I’ve got to go tell Kurenai,” Genma says.

“I’ll tell Yuugao,” Asuma replies quietly.

**

Kurenai woke up in a strange mood today. She can’t quite place her finger on it, but her neck won’t stop tingling. She tucked her face into Asuma’s neck and told him that something didn’t feel right, but he had laughed and said it was too early to say something like that _. You don’t know how the day will be until it happens_. His beard scratched her neck when he rolled on top of her, and despite the ominous feeling, she wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him in.

She looks out her kitchen window, looking at the clear sky. Mirai is in the living room, banging on one of those baby pianos. Aoba bought it for her, because he thought it’d be funny if she and Kari started a band. The noise is grating, but Kurenai loves her daughter so she ignores it. She turns the tap and starts washing a plate, using a nail to scrape off a bit of crust. _Motherhood made you lose your edge_ , Aoba had said to her. He wasn’t wrong. One could even say that he was right.

Kurenai doesn’t look up when she feels Genma let himself in. She listens to Mirai run up to him, Genma sigh as he lifts her up, walking down the hall to the kitchen.

“Hey,” he says. He looks deflated. Kurenai tilts her head at him. The ominous feeling spreads.

“Is there something wrong?” she asks. Genma frowns, looking at Mirai.

“Your mommy and I need to talk. Can you give is a minute?” Mirai nods.

“Of course!” She says, making him smile.

“Be sure to play your piano extra loud.” He sets her down on the ground, smiling as she runs back to the living room. Genma stands up straight and leans against the counter. “She’s cute, even though you made her.”

“Picking on a baby,” Kurenai tuts, “how the mighty have fallen.” She holds the dish up to her face. She is about to complain about getting grease off of dishes, and Genma takes the plate from her hand and puts it in the sink, while turning off the tap. Kurenai watches him do this, a little annoyed but also worried. “Is something wrong?”

“You could say that,” he says. Mirai clangs in the other room.

“What’s wrong?” she says in a low voice.

“Kurenai, something really, really bad happened.” He replies. Something evil.

“What?” she asks. 

“Raidou is dead.”

Several things happen in a quick succession. Kurenai blinks, letting the truth hit her between the eyes. _Raidou is dead_. They haven’t been close in a while, but it still feels like something has been torn out of her.

“How?” she asks.

“The mission,” Genma says, “they found him nailed to a tree. Through his stomach.”

“His stomach?” A vital organ, but not a heart or a lung; not something that would kill you quickly.

“Yeah,” Genma says, “I think…I think he suffered quite a bit.” He covers his eyes as Kurenai lets it sink in.

She lowers herself to the floor and sits there. None of this feels like real life. But Genma would never play this kind of prank on her. He and Raidou were always together. There is no way he would tempt fate like that.

It’s then that it really hits her. Raidou died like an animal, and some cruel god thought it just that she lives with this knowledge. Is this the kind of justice Asuma was looking for in therapy, that he and Yuugao wanted when they decided that she and Raidou couldn’t take anymore? _Well ha ha, joke’s on you, he’s dead and I’m alive_. Except, this isn’t funny at all. This really, really hurts.

When Kurenai cries out, Genma kneels to the floor, and she tucks her face into his neck and weeps. She can tell, by the way he breathes, that he is crying too.

**

Asuma stands at the door, hands in his pockets. There is no nice way to give someone the news that will ruin their life. Well, maybe _ruin_ is too big a word. But she found Hayate herself. That had to leave an ugly mark. Asuma doesn’t think she and Raidou would have worked out the way that they did if they hadn’t been reeling from loss. He inhales through his nose and taps on the door. He sees a shape move across frosted glass, and he smiles when Yuugao opens the door.

She smiles at him, Taro on her hip wearing nothing but a diaper and a fist in his mouth. Kari must be inside. “Hi,” she says, “how are you?”

“I’m alright,” he says. It’s not a lie, but it isn’t the whole truth. Alright is vague. _Vague_ , he thinks, _maybe that’s how I feel_. Vague isn’t a feeling, but Asuma doesn’t have a firm grasp on his feelings. “I have something to tell you. May I come inside?” he tilts his head and smiles at Taro. Yuugao frowns, but she nods.

“Okay, come in.” She steps back, and Asuma follows her into the house after he slips his shoes off. “Kari,” he hears her call, “guess who’s here!” Asuma hears her running before he sees her. He kneels down to meet her at her level, and she looks so much like her father that it takes a lot of effort to smile. She leaps on him, and he picks her up, listening to her talk all about her day. Yuugao smiles at him, and he follows her into the living room, where Taro is set in a baby bouncer and Kari goes back to coloring.

Yuugao sits on the couch, looking at Asuma, who sits on the armchair. A safe, clinical distance. He doesn’t think Yuugao is the type to breakdown. She is Anbu; she will hold it all inside until it becomes a cancer.

“What is it?” she asks. When she saw him at her door, she felt her tummy tense. Asuma is normally a very expressive person, but today, he is composed. He watches Kari for a second, and Yuugao has to clear her throat. “Asuma?”

When he turns his head to face her, it all clicks. He needs to say it, but Yuugao knows that Raidou won’t be coming home. _Of course, they send you_ , she thinks, _Kakashi and Shikamaru are cowards_. It’s not lost on her that they sent someone infinitely more charming than either of them.

“Raidou is dead.” Asuma says. He could tell that she already knew, in the animal way that you know that something very, very bad has happened to you. She clenches her jaw and digs her nails into her palms.

“What?” she asks.

“He died on a mission.” Asuma can’t get the picture out of his head. Raidou, slumped over, upper body hanging, really, several feet off the ground. He must have been in so much pain.

The examiner said he could have been saved, like that would have made things better. No one found him in time, so what’s the point in speculating?

Yuugao looks at her children, both of whom are oblivious to the fact that their lives have taken such a turn. She cannot believe that fate is doing this to her twice. _If only I had been there_. She would have protected him. They’ve never been put on assignments together, not just because she’s in Anbu, but because, at a certain point, Tsunade and Kakashi both realized that they would compromise each other.

“What happened to him?” she asks, “how did he die?” Yuugao won’t see the body. Raidou wouldn’t want her to see him like that.

“In front of them?” Asuma points to her kids. Yuugao’s mouth twitches.

“I need to know,” she says. Asuma nods.

“He was alone, on an intelligence mission that required a team.” Her eyes immediately narrow.

“Who would send Raidou on an intelligence mission?” Stealth, yes. Escort, yes. Assassinations, yes. But no one would look at Raidou’s file and put him on an intelligence mission by himself, let alone Kakashi or Shikamaru.

“Uh,” Asuma scratches his jaw, “it was a mistake.”

“A mistake?” she asks.

“Someone mixed up the scroll.” Asuma really, really wants a smoke. He should have bummed one off of Shikamaru.

“What happened next?” she asks.

“Next?”

“How did he die?” Yuugao says. She needs to know. _Were you in pain for long? Did someone kill you on purpose?_ So many questions, all for Raidou.

“Impaled on a sword. Nailed to a tree.” Asuma doesn’t spare her the details. Yuugao makes a noise in her throat, like she’s thinking about dying too.

“A sword?” That’s what killed Hayate. She never found the person who did it, either.

“Yes.”

Yuugao stands up and says nothing. Asuma watches her walk over to the phone and dial a number. Kari comes up to him with her coloring book, and he smiles at her.

“Mommy?” he hears Yuugao say. “Raidou is dead.” It is then that Yuugao makes an ugly noise, and Kari turns her head in concern. Asuma puts her hands over her ears, and he walks over to Taro. He picks him up, and taps Yuugao on the shoulder, holding the baby so he can’t see his mother fall apart.

Yuugao looks cracked open, and her hand is clamped over her mouth. “I’ll take the kids tonight,” he says, “Kurenai and I can look after them.”

“That’s how Hayate died.” She says, “he was slashed into pieces.” The tears collect in the corners of her eyes, “he suffered, didn’t he?” Raidou wasn’t a small man. Six feet and a hundred and sixty-three pounds doesn’t stay nailed to a tree unless firmly anchored. “He could have been saved,” she says. Asuma hears her mother on the phone, and he turns back to see Kari with her hands over her ears, looking in the opposite direction. He doesn’t know what he will return home to. _Maybe they should stay with Yamato_.

The lack of an answer confirms it. She bends over and screams, as if she were Raidou being nailed to a tree.

**

Yuugao has been through this kind of loss before, but she has children now. As such, she still has to get out of bed every morning, prepare meals, shower, and do laundry. Her mother expects her to fall apart, but Yuugao doesn’t. It’s only been four days, but these are the worst. Denial is still very tempting. But she needs to adjust to her ‘new normal,’ whatever that means.

“Taro,” she sighs, wiping his face as he sits on her hip. He smiles, and takes a lock of her hair, which she never cut short, in his little fist. Kari is at the table, eating her oatmeal, looking at a picture book. To her, Raidou is just out on a long mission. Yuugao has tried explaining it, but it always goes over her head.

She hears a knock at the door and takes Taro with her as she walks towards the front door. _I hope it isn’t more flowers_ …Yuugao has run out of vases and has started putting them in big mugs or large mixing bowls, because Kari refuses to let them be thrown away. She opens the door and blinks when she sees Kurenai there.

She swallows, unsure as to how to face Kurenai. They agreed on the phone that Kurenai would go collect his belongings, but Yuugao isn’t ready to see the woman Raidou spent nine years of his life with.

“I’m going to get his things today,” Kurenai says. “I thought I’d stop by. Check in.” Taro smiles at Kurenai, waving. He doesn’t share his sister’s suspicion of her. She smiles and waves back, making him giggle. Yuugao adjusts her hold.

“Things are fine.” Yuugao says, not wanting to give Kurenai too much information. She still hasn’t entirely gotten over the fact that Kurenai and Raidou were madly in love. She doesn’t know if she ever will.

“Oh,” Kurenai says. “It’s okay if they aren’t. You don’t have to be okay.” _You really aren’t_ , Kurenai thinks, noticing the circles under Yuugao’s eyes. “You know, Genma and I can take the kids for an afternoon if you need some time to yourself.” Yuugao frowns. She resents the insinuation that she needs help.

“I’m okay,” she says, “it’s the kids I’m worried about.”

“They deserve better,” Kurenai says softly, “he deserves better.” Yuugao presses her lips together. She thinks this every day.

“Yes,” she says, “he really does.” 

**

Curiosity gets the best of her, and because Yuugao isn’t ready to see the body, it is Kurenai who goes to the hospital to collect Raidou’s things and see him one last time. His uniform, his cloak, shoes, mesh shirt, turtleneck, boxers, rings, chain and headplate, all in a brown paper bag. When Kurenai asks to see him, she is taken into a small, cold room. There is a window with curtains, which is where one would have to stand if this were an especially grisly death.

Kurenai stands in the corner, watching a stretcher being wheeled in. The attendant leaves her, telling her to lift the sheet when she’s ready. She sets the paper bag and her purse on the ground, and tucks her hair behind her ears, before she reaches for the top of the seafoam sheet.

“Raidou,” she says, “I know you wouldn’t want me to see this, but I had to see you one last time. I’m sorry.” Kurenai pulls back the sheet and makes a noise when she sees his inert, dead face.

It is this implausible to her, that this is the man she spent nine years with. He’s pale, and there is some bruising on his cheek. His scar is especially prominent, now that his skin has lost its color. His eyes are closed, but he doesn’t look asleep. Just dead.

Kurenai has spent the last few days crying, and she cries out when it fully hits her, how dead he actually is. She’s seen death, but it has been a while since it was someone she loved seriously. Her mother and father were maimed, so they needed to use dental records to identify them. Same with Raidou’s parents. She had seen Raidou’s brother, briefly, but she wasn’t standing over him, like this, facing the absolute totality of his death.

She doesn’t think she could do this if it were Asuma. He wouldn’t want her to see him like this, and quite frankly, she is much better are respecting his boundaries than Raidou’s. Kurenai feels the tears well up, as she walks to stand behind Raidou’s head.

This is the man that sucked bee venom out of her shoulder, who held her hand after her abortion, who let her sleep next to him all the time. Kissing his chin in the morning, watching him eat in his very particular way, the way he snored. She thinks of all the times he fixed things for her, told her to lock her door. All the times he was inside of her, looking into her eyes as they came. The way he smiled when she told him she loved him. The dumb things he said when he was high, the way he played with the rings on his fingers when anxious. Their mouths all over each other’s bodies.

They spent nine years together, and they’d known each other since she was born. It’s like she will collapse under the weight of history and time and memory. Kurenai puts a hand on either side of his face. “Are you here, Raidou?” she asks. “I don’t know how to do this, or act like you aren’t here.” She rubs circles on his cheekbones with her thumbs. “Is it selfish, that I hope you’re a ghost, and walking around the village? Probably.” She pauses, looking down at his face. “I want to share a memory, but there isn’t one in particular that stands out. I love them all. I wish I could put them inside of your head, and that you were still here so we could talk about them.”

“I find it very hard, not to be mad at Asuma and Yuugao, because they are the reason that we weren’t as close as we used to be. There are so many things I want to tell you from the last three years. You were the person I wanted to call when Mirai walked all the way from Asuma to me, the first time. You must have known that. You are my family.”

“Aoba and Ibiki are looking for the person that did this to you. Asuma and Genma are getting a team together. They’ll probably bring Shikamaru, because they aren’t fucking around. No one is, not when it comes to you. Genma cried like a baby, like me. I don’t even want to know how Yuugao reacted. Asuma told her. He said that she…didn’t take the news well.”

“I don’t think the kids get it. They know something is wrong, they know you aren’t here, but they don’t really know what death is.” Kurenai swallows. “I hate you for dying. I know it’s not your fault, but I would be a liar if I stood here and acted like I am okay. I’m not. I want to know why you didn’t hold on, why you didn’t try harder to get help. I know it was impossible. I know that anything you could have used to send a signal was taken. I know you probably hung on for a very long time, considering your injuries, because you loved us all a lot and wanted to see us again.”

“You love Yuugao so much and for the longest time, it made me _crazy_. You gave her everything I wanted from you. I wanted to choose you, but I was a coward and never told you. I think I projected a lot of the anger I felt onto you and Yuugao and Asuma because it was easier than owning what I did. I still don’t regret those four times, not fully, but that’s because I don’t regret our time together.”

“I wish I’d been a better friend to you. I wish I’d reached out to you, or talked to Asuma, or made more of an effort than accepting how things were, because they sucked. I shouldn’t have been so combative and withholding with him. We’ve been in therapy for three years, and Asuma always does his best to do right by me, and I really love him so much. I just…I was resentful that he and Yuugao took you away, that I had to watch you have a family from a distance, that we became near strangers, in the end.”

“Raidou, I love you. That’s what I came here to say, and that’s why I’m talking so much. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, and I should have acted like it sooner.” Kurenai rubs a thumb across his forehead. “You deserved so much more. You should grow old with Yuugao, and watch your kids grow up. You should be so, so happy.” Kurenai’s tears get the better of her, and she bends over to touch her forehead to his. “I love you on an infinite scale, Raidou. I want you to know peace. You promised me that you’d make it past twenty-five, and you kept that promise. Raidou, I don’t know if you’re here, or what being dead is like, but if you’re keeping yourself stuck here, please, don’t. Please, let yourself know peace. Asuma, Genma and I are going to take care of them, I promise.” She presses her lips to his forehead and tells him she loves him one last time before she pulls up the sheet.

Kurenai picks up the paper bag and her purse, and waves goodbye as she leaves the room. She nods at the attendant and finds the closest washroom. She sits on a toilet and ugly cries.

**

Kurenai and Asuma don’t talk about Raidou’s loss, not in direct terms. That’s because it means two different things to them. Asuma lost his buddy; Kurenai lost a piece of her. Kari is playing with Mirai in the living room, building a block tower and taking turns knocking it over. Yuugao says that she doesn’t know, not really, not yet. _Good for her_ , Kurenai thinks. Taro is so little that Raidou will be a blur. It’s all incredibly unfair.

“How are you feeling?” Asuma asks, watching Kurenai sip her coffee. It’s not lost on him that Kurenai has a hard time looking at Kari. She swishes the liquid in her mouth, thinking.

“Like my soul has been impaled.” She often lies awake, thinking about how Raidou must have felt in his last moments, as he was left there, dying.

Asuma thinks about a conversation he had with Raidou once; how becoming a father made him want to be an ethical person. That, on pain of death, Raidou’s family will always come before the village. _It’s not even a contest_. Asuma feels the same, but he wasn’t raised like Raidou. The entire village is your family, and they come first. He tries not to think of the day he could have to choose between his family and the village. Raidou, who has done more than enough for this place, has earned the right to be a little selfish. But Asuma feels differently; the idea of making his own decisions terrifies him a little. It’s why he lets things happen to him in his personal life. It’s easy to be decisive in the field; it’s a lot harder at home.

Kurenai turns from him and goes upstairs, leaving her coffee on the counter. Asuma supposes that not making a decision, is a decision.

**

Some physical symptoms of grief include, but are not limited to, nausea, fatigue, food aversion. These are also the early symptoms of pregnancy. Yuugao sits on the toilet, trying not to think about how fucked up her life is. Her head is in her hands, and she is rubbing her temples. Her parents took the kids for the night, so she can have some time to herself.

She hasn’t thought much of the above symptoms because she doesn’t feel like she is really in her body. Her body a mere vessel. But tonight, the night before the funeral, she looked under the sink and realized that she is late. So, here she is, sitting on the toilet, a test on the counter beside her, trying to ignore Daydream Hayate, who is sitting on the edge of the tub, and Daydream Raidou who is leaning against the doorframe. “Will you two leave me alone?” she hisses. They look at each other, before looking back at her. Daydream Raidou looks a little guilty, which is something.

“You did this to me,” she says, “you’re both a part of the reason I’m here. I should have fucked a dentist or someone else with a civilian career.” Daydream Hayate rolls his eyes, like, _sure_ , fuck a dentist, see if that fixes your problems. Daydream Raidou looks put out, but that’s to be expected; they made babies together, and there is absolutely no world she wants to live in where her children don’t exist.

Eventually, she picks up the test. There are two lines. Positive. Yuugao lets out a wail and puts her head between her knees. _This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and Raidou will be here_ … She is alone in the house, so she indulges herself. Her sobs are loud, and they scratch up her throat on their way up.

She wonders, briefly, if she should keep it. Raidou had been hesitant about a third child. _They aren’t like plants_ , he said, _we can’t just keep having more_. She looks up at Daydream Raidou, who looks very sad, and then over to Daydream Hayate, who is looking at her intensely. The last thing she needs is for them to carry a Daydream Baby with them. That would probably push her over the edge. Plus, she wanted a baby.

She stands up and undresses, glaring at them as they watch her. Yuugao turns on the shower and steps in, while the water is cold. Somehow, she is going to do this, and somehow, they will all be okay, her, Kari, Taro and the baby inside of her.

**

As soon as you are born, you are old enough to die, and death always comes too soon. It’s a very bright day; no clouds, no rain. Like Raidou’s death hasn’t torn a hole in the logic of the universe. Yuugao hasn’t cried over the course of the entire service. She refuses to. It’s not that she isn’t sad, she just isn’t going to give people a show. Taro sits on her hip, and Kari squirms beside her. In all honesty, they are too young, but there would be questions if they weren’t there. Taro is smiling, his fist in his mouth, drooling and clueless. Kari, who refused to eat her breakfast, is frowning. People may think that Kari is upset, but Yuugao can tell that her daughter is just very, very hungry.

It’s time for them to walk up and place a wreath of flowers on the headstone, like a good, grieving family. She is happy that no one else knows she is pregnant. People would treat her with extra pity, and she wouldn’t know what to do with herself. Kari grumbles, holding a wreath that is the size of her, while she clutches Yuugao’s hand. Taro is looking over Yuugao’s shoulder, grinning at the other mourners.

Raidou’s family is dead, so it’s just her and her parents. Their friends are there. Kurenai and Asuma and Genma stand where Raidou’s family would. Kurenai looks empty, while Genma looks like he isn’t really there. Asuma looks present. Owl is behind them, crying, while Himself stands, stoic. Shizune, Aoba, Anko, Kakashi and Guy stand behind her and her family, and Yamato stands beside her. Her colleagues from Anbu and Raidou’s fellow assassins are in the back, as well as her civilian friends. It’s a big group of people.

When they are finally at the headstone, Yuugao squats down, her legs together, so she is eye-level with Kari.

“Okay,” she says quietly, “it’s time for us to say goodbye to Daddy.” Kari throws the wreath down and frowns.

“No,” she says, crossing her arms just like Raidou. Yuugao puts her hand on her shoulder.

“Kari,” she says in a calm voice, “you don’t have a choice.” She can see the meltdown coming a mile away.

“I don’t want to,” she says, shaking her head, her hair swishing. She has very silky brown hair, with bangs. It falls to her shoulders. She refused to put barrettes in it this morning. Kari was in a very crabby mood.

“Baby,” Yuugao says softly, “you need to say goodbye.”

“No!” Kari shouts, stomping her foot. The wreath rests on the ground beside her, forgotten. “No, no, no, no, no!” Kari shrieks. Yuugao leans in to bring her close, but then Taro starts crying. Yuugao freezes, torn between her two children. She doesn’t know what to do. There is no one here to help her, no one she can turn to and nod. That person is in the ground.

“Baby, I need you to stop,” she says quietly, but it only makes Kari more upset. Taro is now wailing, apparently picking up on his sister’s mood.

Yuugao doesn’t know what to do, because she wants to cry as well. A minute passes, and Kari and Taro really works themselves up. Yuugao looks back at the other mourners, because while she doesn’t want to cry in front of them, she will if no one comes and helps her. Her parents know that she doesn’t want them to step in, but they both look like they are in a lot of pain watching her.

It’s Asuma and Yamato who take pity and step forward. Asuma takes Kari up in his arms, while she thrashes and shouts. He walks all the way to the gate of the cemetery, and Kari’s cries grow faint, until they have faded completely. Yamato takes Taro from Yuugao’s arms and calms him down. He walks back to his seat, leaving Yuugao alone.

Now, it is just her and Raidou. His name is under the leaf, and she puts a hand on the headstone. She puts her other hand over her mouth, to keep the noise she wants to make inside of her. _I’m pregnant_. Looking up, Daydream Raidou stands behind the headstone, looking at her softly. Like he’s really alive, and this is all a sick joke, a misunderstanding. He kneels down and puts a hand over hers. Whether he is a ghost or a coping mechanism, Yuugao doesn’t care. The result is all the same. She watched his body be dressed; she knows he is in the ground.

Yuugao doesn’t pick up the wreath. She puts her face in her hands and sobs.

**

Kari glowers just like Raidou. It’s actually a little uncanny. Asuma holds her at the entrance of the cemetery, and he can see Yamato bouncing Taro, who has been placated, and Kurenai kneeling next to Yuugao. He can’t imagine how it must feel to be left alone, in this way. He could forgive Kurenai for cheating, but not for something like this. Yuugao is a gracious person. He’s sure that Raidou was already forgiven as soon as she found out.

Kari pats Asuma’s cheek and gives him a serious expression.

“Where is Daddy?” she asks. Asuma swallows, because she has been told that he is dead, but he doesn’t think that she quite grasps what that means yet. Yuugao has done her best to keep it together, and people are always around, so he can’t blame Kari for thinking that Raidou is just on an extended vacation.

“He’s there,” Asuma says, pointing to his headstone. “Your daddy is under there.” He feels himself choking up, so he swallows. Kari gives him an unimpressed look.

“That’s a rock,” she says, “not Daddy.” Asuma sighs, looking at her.

“Your daddy is under the rock.”

“Then why can’t he come back?” Kari asks, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Why?” Asuma sighs.

“Because he’s gone somewhere that he can’t come back from.” He replies. Kari frowns at him.

“Why?”

“Because someone made him go. He didn’t want to, but he didn’t have a choice.” Asuma knows how to behead, dismember and disembowel. No one taught him how to explain death to a three-year-old.

He stands by his statement that dying is the worst thing Raidou has ever done, and that includes every completed assassination and cheating with Kurenai.

Asuma looks down at Kari, who still can’t grasp that some things, the important things, are irreversible.

“Daddy always comes home,” she says, in a sage voice. Asuma doesn’t have the heart to tell her that Raidou did come back home. _Just in a body bag_.

**

It doesn’t stop hurting, and it won’t for a while, but at least Kurenai and Genma have each other. It’s too soon to look at Kari; she looks too much like Raidou. It makes them both feel ashamed. They are watching Mirai and Kari playing on the playground, but it is Genma who is looking at them. Kurenai is staring at the ground.

“Do you think he’s okay, wherever he is?” Kurenai asks. Genma presses his lips together, not looking at her.

“He is probably frowning.” Raidou always believed that the worst was often comic, in a way. Needless to say, Genma and Kurenai don’t share that belief. “He never stopped caring about you, you know.” Genma doesn’t know why he offers this, but he does. Kurenai swallows.

“I know.” That’s because she cares deeply for him too.

**

Kari is her father’s daughter, which means that she broods before talking to anyone about what’s on her mind. It’s been a week since the funeral, and Yuugao has been forced to watch her daughter slowly realize that her father isn’t coming home. Kari doesn’t talk about him as much; her silence speaks volumes. She sits at the table, not eating, frowning. Yuugao is too tired to make her eat. Taro sits in his highchair, happily eating some mashed up sweet potato, clueless.

“Mommy?” Kari asks.

“Yes?” Yuugao replies.

“Do you know where Daddy went?” she asks. Yuugao presses her lips together. She often wonders this herself. _Where did you go?_ Kitaro is named after a philosopher who wrote about radical non-being, or death, and the way the living orient to it. He argues, essentially, that death is a nothingness that structures being. Your soul dissolves into nothing after you die. This helped Yuugao find a certain kind of peace after Hayate died, until Yamato told her that he had been reanimated in the war. Now, she knows that his soul is out there, somewhere, beyond her reach. Raidou is now in that unknowable place.

“I don’t know where he went, baby.” Yuugao watches Taro stick his fist in his mouth and grin. She smiles back at him, and he only smiles bigger. It distracts her from Kari’s question.

“He isn’t coming back,” Kari says. Yuugao looks back at her daughter, who now, seems much older than three. She sounds just like Raidou, and it makes Yuugao clench.

“You’re right,” she says softly.

“I hate him,” Kari replies. Yuugao freezes, while her daughter acts like nothing is wrong.

“Excuse me?” Yuugao doesn’t even know where she picked up the word.

“I hate Daddy.” Kari says, picking up rice with a hand and stuffing it into her mouth, a clear regression.

“You don’t mean that…” Yuugao trails off, as Kari stares at her intently.

“I do,” she says, her mouth full. Yuugao has nothing to say to that, so she chooses not to react.

Yuugao cries when she goes to bed.

**

Kurenai was never meant to lead a life of domesticity. She is a loving mother and she never lets the house get messy, but no one ever looked at her and thought _domestic goddess_. She watches Yuugao and Asuma take over her kitchen, and she watches the easy, natural way that they orbit each other. Yuugao laughs at his jokes as he scrapes the plates, handing them to her so she can load the dishwasher. Yamato stands on the other side, joking with them.

The kids are laughing in the other room, where Aoba, Anko and Guy are playing with them. Shizune and Ibiki are in there too. Owl and Himself weren’t able to make it, and Konohamaru is at the age where the last thing he wants to do is spend time with his baby cousin.

Kakashi is in the corner, reading one of his dirty books, while Kurenai leans on the wall beside him, pretending to drink a glass of wine. She holds it up to her mouth, but she presses her lips to the glass, letting the wine sting her upper lip.

Raidou has been in the ground for two weeks, and Kurenai still feels open and ugly. Genma had to pick her up and put her to bed. Mirai followed, getting into bed next to her, while Genma took Asuma’s side. They all slept until Asuma came home. Mirai got up and ran to the door, but Genma and Kurenai refused to move.

Eventually, Genma got up and left and Asuma came back. She has slept with her back to him for two weeks. He will touch her hip or thigh, but she will pull away. With Raidou, she sought comfort in sex. It’s different, with Asuma. He’s never forgiven her for cheating, so she has never been able to seek comfort in him since. Even at her worst, Raidou would still welcome her with open arms. She could have cheated on him, and he would have forgiven her. They were each other’s home, and no matter what you do, you can always go home.

She watches Yuugao and Asuma laugh together, and it makes her gut twist. They would have had her and Raidou’s heads on spikes if they were laughing together. But apparently, it’s fine that they are all buddy-buddy. It’s obnoxious, watching them interact. If he were here, Raidou would nudge her and smile, and remind her that it’s nice that Yuugao and Asuma are friends. _But you’re not here._ Kurenai takes a little sip of wine.

Other than him being her soulmate and the fiber of her being, Raidou was so much more. He was her last connection to her parents and his brother. Their parents were friends, and their childhoods were woven together. He knew when she lost her baby teeth, and she remembers every bad sunburn he got. When she went through his personal effects, she found the keychain she gave him when she was ten and learning how to make friendship bracelets. Yuugao let her have it, and it now sits in her jewelry box, next to her mother’s pearl necklace. He knew her father’s kenjutsu, and his dad taught her how to swim. Her mother treated him and his brother like they were her sons.

Yes, she was in love with him, but he was her family. Now, she truly feels like an orphan.

She commits emotional self-harm every time she thinks of him when her hand is between her legs. She thinks about the all the times he looked into her eyes while he was inside of her and told her that he was in love with her. She hasn’t permitted herself to think of him for three years, but these past two weeks, she hasn’t been able to stop. Kurenai doesn’t care if it is cheating. The orgasms are worth it.

Kurenai misses his scarred-up knuckles, his pink gums, his short eyelashes. Admitting this to herself feels like a revelation. She was so busy making it up to Asuma that she never gave herself time to grieve her relationship with Raidou. It’s amazing, how much time she spent saving a relationship with a man who will never let her be anything but the worst thing she ever did to him. Asuma is wonderful, but he is never vulnerable with her anymore. It’s like he is prepared for her to do her worst.

She muses over this point, when she sees Yuugao load the dishwasher wrong. Well, not wrong. Just not the way Raidou would do it. He was adamant that cutlery should always go upside down, so that the parts come into contact with food get properly clean.

“You’re doing it wrong.” She says, out loud. “Yuugao, that’s not how you load the cutlery.” Kurenai sets her wine glass down and walks over to the dishwasher, bending over and flipping each piece of cutlery.

“What do you mean?” Yuugao asks. Kurenai doesn’t look at her, lost in her down head.

“Kurenai…” Asuma says, looking down at her.

“It’s not how Raidou would do it.” She doesn’t bother looking up to see the hurt look on Yuugao’s face when she realizes that she did, indeed, load the dishwasher wrong or the way Asuma’s jaw clenches when Kurenai says his name. Yamato eyes Genma, who walked in from the bathroom just in time for that little exchange. Kakashi doesn’t look up from his book. In the other room, a child screams.

Yuugao bends down and starts flipping cutlery too. “You’re right,” she murmurs, the tips her long hair and her knuckles brushing Kurenai’s hands. Asuma watches them and misinterprets Kurenai’s grief as a slight directed at Yuugao.

“You two shouldn’t bother,” he says, “it’s fine.” Kurenai looks up at him, her eyes narrow.

“We have to do this the way Raidou would want,” she says, “that’s why we’re all here, pretending to be happy, right?” Asuma tries, very hard, not to take it personally. They’ve been in therapy too long for him to flip and walk out on her.

“He wouldn’t want us to fight over stupid shit,” he says, placing a hand on Yuugao’s shoulder. He worries for her, and he doesn’t want Kurenai to hurt her feelings.

“He was an efficient person. He would have gotten it right the first time,” Kurenai says, flipping over the last spoon before standing up and brushing her hands on her skirt. Yuugao looks back up at Asuma, and he frowns when he sees the way her lower lip trembles. He knows that she will never forgive herself for forgetting how Raidou loads the dishwasher.

“You’re making Yuugao feel bad for no reason,” he says. Kurenai’s jaw ticks.

“You and Yuugao make me feel bad for no reason,” she says, walking back to her glass of wine. Asuma tilts his head.

“Excuse me?” he says.

“You heard me,” she says, “you and Yuugao make me feel bad for no reason. You two wouldn’t let Raidou and I talk anymore, and now,” Kurenai swirls her wine, “now he’s dead, and I’ll never get to speak to him again.” She isn’t mean enough to accuse them of willing Raidou’s death, but she isn’t going to leave out the implication.

“No reason?” Asuma says, “do you not recall why we are here?” Yuugao stands up and puts herself between Kurenai and Asuma. Genma grinds his teeth on his senbon and Yamato and Kakashi eye each other over this _development_.

“We had sex, four times, six years ago and neither of you could let it go!” Kurenai places her wine glass back on the counter. “You two never forgave either of us, so you kept us apart, and now, you two have gotten what you wanted.” Yuugao forgave Raidou, actually. She doesn’t say this, because she doesn’t want to undermine Asuma or think about how happy she and Raidou were.

“You two were in love,” Asuma says in a cold voice, “it’s not like you two got drunk and you fell on his dick. You chose to fuck each other, knowing how it would make us,” he gestures at himself and Yuugao, “feel.”

“So, you two are an ‘us’ now?” Kurenai retorts. Asuma makes an angry noise in his throat.

“That’s not fair.”

“Well, life isn’t fair.” Kurenai says, “and you two don’t get to complain when you _stayed_. You could have left. Neither Raidou nor I held a gun to your heads and forced you to stay with us.” Kurenai is full of bullshit, but she has a point. It’s clear to everyone that this is a fight about her and Asuma’s relationship, rather than Yuugao and Raidou.

“Do you remember when you said you weren’t sorry?” Asuma says.

“You still could’ve left!” Kurenai counters. Aoba pokes his head into the kitchen, and frowns. Genma mouths for him to take the kids out to the park, and he nods. It doesn’t even register for Asuma, Yuugao or Kurenai that their children are being marched out of the house to spare them the knowledge of this fight.

“What was I going to do? Leave you and Mirai?” he asks from behind Yuugao, who closes the dishwasher.

“If I am always going to be the worst thing I ever did to you, we would be better off apart,” Kurenai says, “I know you want to be the good guy, the dutiful husband, the present father, but you can’t be any of those things if you are fundamentally miserable.” They haven’t been miserable this entire time, but these past two weeks have been brutal. Asuma knows why she turns away from him.

“Do you want me to leave you?” he asks. Because, at this point, he will.

“I want you to decide whether or not you can really forgive me, instead of making us stay here, wherever this place is.” She gestures around herself, to illustrate just how directionless their relationship is. Asuma swallows. Kurenai has never expressed this much dissatisfaction. She has never suggested that he could just leave her. He doesn’t know if this is cruelty, honesty or maturity. It’s probably a bit of all three.

Yuugao turns and looks up at Asuma. He looks deeply hurt, even though he is trying to take it on the chin. He was the only one brave enough to tell her that Raidou died. For that alone, Yuugao will go to bat for him forever.

“You shouldn’t speak to Asuma like that,” she says quietly, looking straight at Kurenai. She’s in Anbu, but Kurenai feels no fear. Grief has destroyed her sense of self-preservation.

“And why not?” she asks.

“Because he is doing his best.” Yuugao steps to the side, so that Asuma is completely behind her. Kakashi keeps his book open, but he is looking right at them. Yamato and Genma are trying to judge when, exactly, they should step in.

Kurenai laughs meanly, because it feels as if her compassion and understanding are dead in the ground, next to Raidou. “His best? Do you two think that you are the only people who have given things up for your relationships? You two martyr yourselves,” Kurenai waves her hands, “staying with the cheating assholes. But did you ever stop to think that Raidou and I had to give up each other to be with you two? He was my family. He was my last connection to my parents. He was going to teach Mirai my dad’s kenjutsu! I can tell you the exact age he stopped needing a lot of ketchup for his fries and he knew what I look like without my front teeth.” Kurenai is on a roll, and is oblivious to the way Yuugao is blinking, and how Asuma holds onto her wrist. “I watched him learn how to ride a bike. He was there when I got my first period. He was my family, and you two took him away.” Kurenai wipes the tears that began to form in the corners of her eyes. She feels like she can breathe again.

No one says anything. The truth is that Asuma and Yuugao had never really considered this aspect of Raidou and Kurenai’s relationship. It makes them both uncomfortable, to think that maybe, Kurenai has a point. They are both used to having the moral high ground on Raidou and Kurenai.

“He isn’t your family,” Yuugao says in a quiet voice. Kurenai glares.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“He didn’t choose you,” Yuugao says in a firm voice.

“Are you not listening?” Kurenai’s voice rises. “Raidou and I were very happy to be with you two. We were happy not being together. We were happy and good for three years, and then you both let motherfucking Kakashi ruin it. You didn’t believe in us, so we did what you wanted and stayed apart, and now he is dead.” _And I am alone_.

“I am keenly aware,” Yuugao says.

“Oh, are you?” Kurenai asks. Yuugao narrows her eyes, and Asuma’s grip on her wrist tightens. Genma and Yamato position themselves to step in, and Kakashi keeps his eyes glued to Asuma’s hand on Yuugao’s wrist.

“Kurenai, please stop talking.” She says in a firm voice.

“I don’t feel like it,” Kurenai says, “I believe in radical honesty.” She glares at Asuma. All he wants from her is honesty, and now, he has it, in its meanest form.

“Kurenai, my partner is dead, I have two children and another one on the way,” Yuugao says. “I do not have the time or patience to listen to you try and guilt me over something that I cannot change.” Kurenai is the only one who doesn’t bat an eye when Yuugao says she’s pregnant.

“You and Asuma both love to guilt me.”

“Why are you being so hateful?” Yuugao says.

“Because you are both hypocrites.” Kurenai crosses her arms. Yuugao’s lower lip quivers, and she steps back to stand against Asuma. This does not escape Kurenai’s attention, and, quite frankly, the poetry of it all makes her want to laugh out loud, as if she has actually lost her mind.

“Kurenai…” Genma says, stepping towards her.

“Stay out of it!” She says, turning to look at him. Genma has his hands up, and she can tell that he is trying to placate her.

When she turns back, she sees Asuma put a hand on Yuugao’s shoulder. It makes her miss Raidou in a very visceral way. She will never get to stick her face in his armpit again or wrap herself around him. She still thinks about all the times they lay on top of each other and talked into the wee hours of the morning.

She remembers how happy he was to be a father, how he would comfort his children by picking them up and pressing his cheek to theirs. It makes Kurenai immeasurably sad that she will remember how his scruff felt on her sternum when two of his children will forget it, and one will never experience it. He was full of kindness and tenderness, and Kurenai is incredibly bitter that only she and Yuugao will know it. He wanted to see the kids grow up. He wanted to be here. No, scratch that. Kurenai refuses to believe that he has stopped existing. For her, Raidou’s soul is immortal. Raidou, wherever he is, wishes he could be here. _He wants to come back home_.

She’s hurt and angry because someone took Raidou away from all of them, and Asuma and Yuugao are easy to be mad at. Kurenai watches Asuma squeeze Yuugao’s shoulder. “Take my husband. You two deserve each other.” Kurenai turns on her heel and storms down the hall, cussing as she looks for her shoes. She hears Genma follow her. Kurenai is trying, very hard, not to cry.

“Where are we going?” he asks softly.

“Away,” she says, “we are going away.”

“What about Mirai?” he asks.

“I don’t want her to see me like this,” Kurenai says, “Asuma and Yuugao will look after her.” They can be a happy blended family, and Kurenai can go find someone to impale her. It’ll all be perfect. Genma nods.

“Okay.”

**

Kurenai and Genma end up at his apartment, with a small bottle of tequila to split between them. They haven’t spoken directly about Kurenai’s meltdown, and neither of them wants to. Genma isn’t interested in unpacking Kurenai’s feelings for her, and for her part, she just wants to forget that the last few weeks have happened. When she closes her eyes, she sometimes sees Raidou’s grey face staring back at her.

She pulls two mugs out of the cupboard while Genma gets the ice. He places two cubes in each mug, while Kurenai opens the tequila. She pours a third of a cup for each of them, while he puts the ice tray back in the freezer.

“This whole thing is fucked,” he says, “Raidou would hate all of this bullshit.”

“He’s not here,” Kurenai says in an empty voice. “He’s never coming back.” Genma frowns.

“It’s some fucking bullshit,” he replies.

“Did I go too far?” Kurenai asks, “was I wrong?” Genma picks up his mug and swirls the tequila around.

“There’s no way to be right in world where Raidou is in the ground.” He takes a sip before walking out to his living room. Kurenai follows him with her mug, the bottle in her other arm.

**

Kurenai leans over the glass, chipping away at a spot with her nail. _What the fuck did this?_ She can’t remember what, exactly, had been in the glass. It seems beside the point, now.

She’s been waiting, since she was six years old and Raidou’s brother told her a ghost story, for evidence of another plane. It had been a fascination of hers for a long time. She used to make her sensei, Asuma and Raidou listen to her half-baked ghost stories. Then she grew up and put them all away. She never stopped believing, but she stopped looking.

Kurenai feels a tingle up the side of her neck, and she turns her head quickly to see a shadow, maybe a blur, move in the door of the kitchen. She frowns; she can’t sense anyone there. Kurenai sets the glass down, and walks over to the door, to look at the living room. There is no one there. _I’m losing it_. She sighs and turns around when not only does she see a blur at the edge of her vision; she hears her name.

Kurenai freezes, recognizing that voice. She hopes it’s her mind, because she told him that he could leave. But she also hopes that it really is him, and he’s come to tell her that he is okay, wherever he ended up. She covers her mouth with her hand, waiting to see if she will hear his voice again.

But he’s gone. She sits in the doorway of the kitchen and cries, because it hurts, but it also feels like a breakthrough. Because no matter where he ended up, she knows he’s alright.

**

As with all things Hurricane Kurenai, she throws her fit, everyone weathers it and moves on. Asuma hasn’t spoken to her about what she said, about him and Yuugao being together. It was a mean thing she said because she was hurting; that doesn’t make it alright. His hands are in his pockets as he walks up to Raidou and Yuugao’s house. _I suppose it’s just Yuugao’s house, now_. Asuma knocks on the door with his knuckles, and Yuugao opens the door mid-knock.

“Hi,” he says, “busy?” Yuugao smiles and shakes her head.

“No, come in.” She steps aside so he can enter. He takes his shoes off and watches her pad back to the kitchen. Yuugao can’t have been pregnant long. She isn’t showing, and he suspects that she hadn’t wanted to tell anyone in the immediate aftermath of Raidou’s death.

She is wearing one of those short sunny dresses she likes to wear. It’s somewhere between cantaloupe and peach; the kind of color that makes him want to open her up. Asuma frowns at himself. It’s not that he had never noticed her that way, so much as he compartmentalized those feelings. _All she wants is peace, and the men around her creep on all sides_. Except Yamato, Genma and Aoba. Their dead friend’s young widow isn’t their type. _Apparently, it’s mine_. Asuma considers feeling ashamed, but he doesn’t feel like it. Not after Kurenai’s fit, or the fact that she let Raidou hit it raw four times. _We shouldn’t be together if I’m always going to be the worst thing I ever did to you_. Asuma shakes his head, trying not to think about the long discussion they had in therapy the other day. He doesn’t think they will ever turn the corner; Raidou’s death ensured that.

He follows Yuugao, and watches as she takes her place behind the counter, cutting up an apple.

“Why are you here?” she asks, picking up the knife. She hasn’t seen him since he waved at her when she and the kids decided to head home. He had walked with her to the park to get them from Anko and Aoba, and he pointedly didn’t ask about her pregnancy. He looked very sad, and she had wanted to hold his hand.

Asuma shrugs. “No reason,” he says, “I was just in the neighbourhood.” He doesn’t need to tell her that he is lonely; she is lonely too. “How have you been feeling?”

“Pretty tired,” she sighs.

“Have you told your parents?” he asks. Yuugao bites her lip.

“Not for another two weeks.” She replies, “I only want to tell them at week twelve.” Asuma nods.

“Congratulations,” he says, “I meant to say that earlier, but I figured you hadn’t planned on telling us then.” Yuugao smiles.

“Nothing is going how it was planned,” she says, “Raidou was hesitant about a third child.”

“Really?” Asuma says, “I though the two of you were going to single-handedly repopulate the village.” Yuugao waves her hand dismissively, but she does laugh.

High noon. The kitchen is a bright, airy space with lots of plants on the windowsills. Cuttings, little pots, vases of flowers. It’s like Raidou and Yuugao made a jungle for their children. _It’s really not fair that he left you_. Asuma watches her cut into the apple.

“Raidou loved being a father,” she says, “but he was unsure about having more than two. He wanted to make sure that Kari and Taro got enough attention.” She frowns, thinking of how she is now in it alone. “I thought about having an abortion. Does that make me a bad mom?” Asuma shrugs.

“It makes you a person,” he says, “I can’t imagine doing it alone.” He would never forgive Kurenai if she died and left him and Mirai. She is an asshole, more often than not, but he would be lost without her. Yuugao nods.

“I figured you’d say that,” she smiles softly. “I just miss having someone to bounce ideas off of.”

“What, you don’t like talking to a toddler and a baby all day?” he asks, making her laugh. It feels like he’s won, and he hasn’t felt like a winner lately.

“You know, it really sucks to be the only adult,” she says, “and it doesn’t count if the other adults are your parents.” Asuma snorts.

“I really want to talk to my mom and dad,” he says, “ask them how the fuck they didn’t drive each other insane.”

“I think every couple goes through phases where they want to kill each other,” she says, “when Kari was one, she had these horrible ear infections, and Raidou and I couldn’t get any sleep. I swear, I nearly threw a book at him for breathing too loudly.”

“Yeah, but you were always on the same team.” Asuma says, “Kurenai and I…it’s like we don’t talk anymore.” He sighs. Yuugao stops cutting her apple and tilts her head at him.

Yuugao looks at him carefully. Asuma doesn’t look like himself. She’s used to seeing him happy. But he’s become a different person, since Raidou died. She doesn’t think it’s Raidou, but rather, Kurenai’s reaction and her subsequent withdrawal. _You deserve to be adored_. Raidou was fine with Hayate, more or less. But Yuugao had been younger, desperate to connect, horny and bored.

“She’ll come around,” she says, beginning to cut her apple without looking.

Yuugao doesn’t even feel it when she cuts open her thumb. She only notices because Asuma frowns and reaches for her hand. Before she can say anything, he sticks her thumb in his mouth and sucks. She wants to feel uncomfortable at the invasion, but she welcomes it. Yuugao very much misses things like this. It’s something Raidou did when he cut open his hand, or when one of their children got a cut or a bee sting. She asked him about it, and he said that it cut the pain. His brother did it to him when he was little. Raidou showed her what he meant when she next got a papercut when he was there. Like now, sucking really did kill the pain.

She can’t help but think that he also did the same with Kurenai. Like, Kurenai would cut her palm open on purpose and Raidou would suck up all the blood and pain while looking into her eyes. Yuugao knows she is very pretty, but she always felt unsexy, compared to Kurenai. It gives her a little high to know that not one, but two men put their mouths on her after Kurenai. Like she’s special.

“Why?” she asks. Asuma blushes and opens his mouth. She pulls out her thumb and rubs it on her dress rather than wash her hands, a detail Asuma makes note of.

“It was an impulse,” he says, blushing a little. “I’m sorry. I did it for Mirai today…”

“Did your brother do it?” she asks. Asuma gives her a funny look.

“Yeah,” he says, “he did it to—”

“Cut the pain.” She says softly. “Raidou’s brother did that too. Raidou picked it up from him, I think.” Asuma nods. He and Raidou shared a lot more than either of them were willing to admit. Asuma looks awkward, which is when Yuugao decides to step forward and kiss him, with feeling.

**

Being left untouched is a special kind of hell. Raidou, for all his surliness, was an affectionate partner. Always rolling on top of her and touching her and putting his face in her neck. Yuugao misses being touched; she wants to the kind of post-conception sex she could only ever have with Raidou. Where they would look into each other’s eyes and he’d tell her all about the future they are going to have. Asuma just wants to feel connected to another human being.

Yuugao pulled Asuma back to the spare bedroom, which is the furthest away from the kitchen. Her room is closer, but that’s Raidou’s bed, and she isn’t ready to admit that he isn’t returning. She pushed Asuma’s flak jacket off of his shoulders somewhere in the living room, took off his shirt in the hallway, and pulled off her own dress when they entered the bedroom.

There is a large scar across her stomach, as if she had been slashed open. There are a few silver lines on her hips and belly, where her babies grew. Yuugao breathes into his mouth, touching a scar on his stomach from where a surgeon opened him up and stopped the bleeding. _Don’t get cut up like that if I’m not around_ , the doctor had joked. _Well, fuck, here I am, getting cut up._ Although, he wonders if perhaps Yuugao is there to staunch the bleeding. She bites his lower lip, and he enjoys how it feels to just be an animal. They fall back on the bed and she cracks her legs open for him. Their tummies touch and she opens her mouth.

This isn’t premeditated but neither is it entirely random. He sticks his fingers into the waist of her panties and pulls away to yank them off. She lifts her legs to help him, and he admires the way she bends her body for him. If they had more time, if this weren’t so desperate, if they actually loved each other, he would take his time and see all the ways her body can bend.

He leans over and kisses her nipple, the one with a silver ring. It’s a very tender gesture, and it makes her shiver.

People are different when they are naked. Softer. Without the uniform and all it represents, Asuma is just a regular man. He comes back over her, and Yuugao kisses him again, her hand on his cheek. Asuma opens up to her, letting her climb inside of him. He wants to feel like a man, and Yuugao is going to give it to him. Her hands wander, and he hums into her mouth, feeling her legs wrap around his waist. His hand finds the small of her back, and she grinds her hips into him. He groans and she swallows.

Asuma is very quiet, like he doesn’t want to disrespect the task at hand. He kisses her neck as Yuugao looks up at the ceiling, her arms around him. She hasn’t lusted for him before. It never even occurred to her, before he sucked her thumb, and she realized the depths of her loneliness. _Don’t stop_. She closes her eyes and swallows as he kisses the inside of her collarbone and his fingers slip between her legs. Yuugao moves on his hand, and it makes him smile, his nose pressed into her neck.

Cracking herself further, she feels his fingers enter her and she makes a little noise in the back of her throat.

“Stop?” he asks quietly.

“No,” she says, “keep going.” Yuugao kisses him on the mouth and sighs when she feels him loosen her up. This is going to be quick, which is what she wants. She reaches for the button of his pants as he moves inside of her, and she gasps a little. His mouth moves down the line of her throat to its hollow, along the plane of her sternum to her breast. He takes her nipple in his mouth and sucks while he slides another finger in and Yuugao arches up, moaning. _Again_. He circles her clit, tapping that little spot just inside of her, moving his mouth back to her jaw while she grips the comforter with her fists. She wants to claw him apart, but she isn’t an idiot, and while she’d welcome the fight, she can’t actually take Kurenai on. Raidou wouldn’t approve. He’d withhold judgement on fucking Asuma.

Asuma finally gets her slick and wet, but he decides to take the time to get her orgasm. She is a much more sexual person that he would have thought. She takes his face in her hands and kisses him, deep. She doesn’t want his soul, but she wants him to think about this for a very long time. Her lower lip is especially soft, and he can’t get over how she demands more contact with him: rolling on his hand, arching into him, taking his bottom lip between her teeth. It’s like she is all around him. Her body odor, the perfume on her neck, her body lotion, all combine into this smell that will sit on the back of his tongue for a week, it’s that good.

Yuugao gasps into his mouth when he rolls her clit, and she calls him a _dirty motherfucker_ , which he hasn’t ever heard before, so he keeps going until she pants that she needs more from him. Throughout all of this, he remains quiet.

“Should we use a condom?” he asks, as she unzips his pants and takes his penis into her hands. His body aches for hers. Yuugao shakes her head.

“You can’t get me pregnant and we’re both clean,” she says. Kurenai and Raidou did behave, and they would have only ever cheated with each other. Asuma supposes that her pregnancy should give him pause, but it’s been a while since he has been selfish. He watches Yuugao touch herself as he lays her down, hovering over her.

He watches her hand as she rubs her clit, looking at him. His dick is in his hand, and if there was ever a time to back out, it would be now. They make eye contact, and he can see how badly she wants him, so he enters her without a second thought. Yuugao groans, hissing out a _yes_. Everything is tight and warm between them. They both like how it feels to hit the limit. It’s a very animal thing, devoid of love but full of care. They both get off on doing the Bad and Wrong Thing.

Before Asuma, Yuugao had only been with two other men. Raidou and Hayate, while taller and heavier than her, were not as big and broad as Asuma. He makes her feel protected and a little powerless, in a good way. She locks her legs around his waist and looks into his eyes while she touches herself. She feels stretched out, like a part of her could tear or snap and it hurts, but that is how she likes it.

Before all of this, Asuma hadn’t entertained the thought of being inside Yuugao. That doesn’t mean that he didn’t have the morbid desire to know what it would be like. It’s even better than he let himself imagine. He groans inside of her, and she slips the fingers that had been on her clit into his mouth. She looks into his eyes and smiles when he sucks. It’s just fun and nasty, so he thrusts a little harder than he has to, and Yuugao curses, before wrapping her arms around his shoulders and opening herself up further.

He thrusts up into her, and rests his forehead on hers, their noses pressed together. It’s not that they’re in love, so much as they are two desperate people longing for connection. All eyes are bottomless, but he feels like he is staring into an entire universe. Yuugao is close; he can tell by the increasingly desperate look in her eyes, and the way she moves against him. She moves a hand back down to her clit and presses against him, looking into his eyes. They are both making ugly noises, but neither speaks.

Thirty minutes with Yuugao, and he feels completely loved and accepted, in the sense that he knows that she is only thinking about him, and there is nothing between them, and he doesn’t have to do anything but be present to earn her affection.

Her eyes get wide right before he kills it, kills her and she kisses him deep when he comes home. There is a second before they pull away where they breathe on each other, where it feels like this wasn’t that bad. But then Yuugao remembers why they are here: that Raidou is dead and she is pregnant. It’s messy when Asuma pulls out of her, and that is when she starts crying. Because they did it, because she came hard, because she and Asuma did it together and Raidou is gone and won’t come back and Kurenai is on a distant unreachable planet.

Yuugao clings onto Asuma, crying into his neck, and he slumps down onto her, pressing her into the mattress. They expected a _ha ha, fuck you_ moment, but this doesn’t feel like revenge or justice. This feels like murder. Asuma presses his face into Yuugao’s neck and inhales her sex scent while she cries all over him. Their fluids are leaking out of her and she thinks about how wrong all of this is and Asuma wonders if Raidou is saving him a spot in hell.

**

He didn’t come here intending to cheat, but Asuma won’t pretend that he didn’t enjoy it or that he doesn’t want to be inside of Yuugao again. There is something about being sad together that makes it all feel okay, even after she cried all over him. Asuma stands back in the shower, staring at Yuugao’s back. Her hair is tied in a knot on her head, and she is rubbing a spot on her shoulder.

She told him that they should both shower after what they just did. Asuma followed her, looking away from the family photos on the walls and Raidou’s clothes in a laundry basket. His keys were on the bookshelf in the hallway. Asuma hasn’t thought about what happened with Raidou and Kurenai, not the details, but he wonders if they had to ignore reminders of their partners. It had been early enough that Asuma maybe left lighters around Kurenai’s apartment or Yuugao had a drawer in Raidou’s room. They weren’t invading each other’s lives, not like this.

Yuugao didn’t bother covering herself. She knows she looks good naked, and the kids aren’t around. A part of her is searching for Raidou in Asuma, and while she knows she won’t find him, that doesn’t mean that she can’t try. Standing under the shower head, the water hitting her sternum, Yuugao tilts her head to the side, thinking about how much she wishes Raidou were here instead. Asuma was good, great even, but it’s not the same. She always felt like she was made for Raidou, in a way, and Hayate is still her soulmate. There just isn’t any room in her heart for Asuma. He’s a good guy, and a far better man than Raidou or Hayate could have ever hoped to be, but he’s not the guy for her.

Nonetheless, having a shower with someone that you just had sex with is a small intimacy that both Yuugao and Asuma miss. He watches a drop of water slide over her shoulder and down her back, the way it moves over muscle and bone and fat.

“I miss Raidou,” she says, bending over to turn off the shower. Asuma comes up behind her, before answering.

“I miss Kurenai,” he replies. After the sex he just had with Yuugao, he feels as if he has been without Kurenai for years. They haven’t had fun, nasty sex since he found out about her and Raidou. His death took her even further away. Asuma places his hand on Yuugao’s hip, and she turns up to look at him, over her shoulder. He knows she is vulnerable, but he also knows that she could send him to an alternate dimension fairly easily. She probably wouldn’t even break a sweat.

Yuugao presses back into him, and when he moves to kiss her, she reciprocates. Asuma groans into her mouth when she reaches for his penis, and when she turns her head, he moves his hand from her hip, down across her belly to between her legs. She moves her pelvis onto his hand, and he bends down further, his face beside hers. She presses the side of her face to his, and it pulls at something in him, because like the blood sucking, it’s a tender gesture that, like Raidou, Asuma saves for the children in his life. He picks up the pace and Yuugao sighs.

Asuma decides to distract himself by kissing her neck, and he doesn’t even mind the traces of soap. Yuugao opens to him, and moans. She peeks out from behind the curtain and frowns when she sees Daydream Raidou and Hayate there. Hayate is by the door, giving her a sad look, while Raidou leans against the counter. She narrows her eyes. _I’m here because you two couldn’t be bothered to come home alive_. Hayate looks a little betrayed, and Raidou frowns. She turns her head away and strokes Asuma faster, making him groan. She looks back and is relieved to find Daydream Raidou and Hayate gone. Asuma stretches her open, and rolls her clit in his fingers, clawing out another orgasm. Yuugao moans a little but seeing Daydream Raidou and Hayate killed the pleasure. It’s a mechanical kind of orgasm, which is no fault of Asuma’s; she was distracted.

Asuma feels the whirring in his stomach build, and all he can think about is how he wants to come inside of Yuugao again. It felt that good the last time. There is a certain thrill in cheating. He doesn’t get why Raidou cheated on Yuugao, but he totally gets why cheating, in and of itself, was something he did.

Yuugao must having the same thought, because she positions herself, leaning forward with her hands on the tile, moving her hips in front of him. Her hair falls out of its knot, and he looks at the trench of her shoulder blades squeezing together. Asuma moves his hands to her hips.

“What do you want?” he asks. Yuugao looks over her shoulder, her lower lip wet.

“I want you inside of me.” She doesn’t have a particularly sultry voice, but it’s amazing to hear her say dirty things in her kind, soft voice.

“Only if you call me a dirty motherfucker again,” he says. She grins perv-ily.

“Come inside me, _dirty motherfucker_.” Yuugao takes a lot of pleasure in the dumb look on his face. Asuma gulps. He can tell that this is and is not a joke.

“Only if I can see your face,” he says, responding to her aggression with softness. Yuugao smiles at Asuma. He really is handsome, and he is very sweet. One would think he’d be a bit of a brute, but he really isn’t. She stands up straight and turns around. She stands on her tiptoes and kisses him, full of feeling. His erection pokes her stomach, and he pulls her closer to him.

Kissing is the best part, and when he pulls away, Yuugao feels a little sad. His nose touches hers, and she presses herself closer to him. He could set her down, step out of the tub, dry himself off, go get dressed and leave. It would probably be the smart thing to do. But there is a reason everyone jokes about his intelligence and it’s because he is prone to thoughtlessness when it comes to life’s pleasures. If it weren’t cigarettes, it be drugs or sex that he’d overindulge in. Anko told him it’s because he’s a Libra. _You are all about enjoying life, Asuma_. He asked her if there are really people who are alive and don’t think they should be enjoying it—she grinned and said that he should take a good look at their friends next time they were all together.

Asuma doesn’t say anything, so Yuugao decides to take charge again. She wants him to feel wanted, because she gets the sense that it’s been some time since he has felt desired. Yet another man for Yuugao to comfort after he’s been ripped apart by Kurenai. Yuugao wiggles away and steps out of the tub. Asuma watches her, silent, as she goes to the bathroom counter and sits on top of it, spreading her legs. She watches him watch her touch herself and decides to give him some extra encouragement.

“You can see my face now,” she says. Asuma watches her face flush, and he wants to watch her work herself up. He touches himself as he steps out of the tub and walks over to her.

He waits a few seconds, before he moves her hand out of the way and steps right up to her. He puts his forehead against hers like he did earlier, as if they could share a brain, touching his nose to hers. She looks into his eyes, opening her legs further.

“Is this really what you want?” he asks. She scoots forward on the counter so she can feel the head of his dick against her.

“Yes,” she whispers, “yes.” She guides him in, and she wraps her legs around him when it’s done. He doesn’t move immediately, and his mouth hovers over hers. It’s like he can’t really believe that Yuugao is letting him do this with her. Yuugao puts her hand on his cheek and kisses him, biting his lower lip as she rocks her hips. Asuma, remembering himself, puts his hands on her hips and pulls her closer, rocking up and against her. Yuugao arches to meet him, moaning when he gets rougher and rougher.

“Harder,” she says, “I like it when it hurts.” Asuma lifts her off the counter and moves over to set her against the wall. She squeaks as the angle changes and she stretches tight. Her lower back is pressed into the wall, and if he weren’t so strong, she’d be afraid of falling. His hips are right under hers and she welcomes the invasion. Asuma makes her feel like she isn’t just a young, sad, pregnant widow. He is making her feel like a woman again, and for that, she’s grateful.

He’s caught off guard by how she begins to kiss him, like he is precious. Everything is easy between them; she sighs when he thrusts up, tightening around him, smiling into his mouth. She’s a quiet for a bit, just moaning and sighing, and Asuma decides to poke at her.

“You’re being a little quiet,” he says, “am I boring?” Yuugao grins.

“I’ll put you in the ground beside Raidou if you don’t punch my cervix.” Asuma blinks, but he moves harder and faster. She gasps, clinging to him, not regretting what she just said. It’s the kind of thing Raidou would be proud of her saying. Daydream Raidou winks at her and her jaw drops. She makes a guttural noise, that would make Asuma laugh if he weren’t fucking her hard enough to avoid his premature demise at her hands. “Yes,” she gasps, clinging to his shoulders, moving her hips with his. Asuma presses his face into her shoulder as she curses him out.

Aoba once asked him and Anko if either of them think that Yuugao is a freak. _Raidou and Hayate are both ugly, they have to be able to give her something she can’t get anywhere else_. Anko replied that she bets she is probably into being smacked around. Asuma told them to have respect. Anko giggled and said that his ears would burn if he knew what they thought of Kurenai. Asuma had given them the middle finger and left the bar. But now he has to find a way to walk out the door, past all the toys and plants and family photos, and pretend that he doesn’t know that Yuugao is nasty in the best way possible.

Yuugao tells him to keep going, and he does, until she feels a little broken, cracked, really, and he thrusts up one last time, clinging to her. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and presses her hand into the crown of his head. She feels her tummy against his, and lets herself enjoy being close to a man.

**

Yamato is a patient man. He asks for very little in this life, because having spent his infancy in a tank, he understands that you can’t always get your way. That sometimes, you just have to let bad things happen, because that is just how the world is.

Normally, he is very good at compartmentalizing, saying nothing when a friend slights another, letting petty injustices go unpunished. But finding Yuugao crying in the bathroom and learning that Asuma had sex with her two months ago—that, Yamato has a hard time ignoring.

Yuugao is his best friend. She held his hand when they would walk home drunk, she knows all of his favorite things and all of his secrets. She reassured him that she had come onto Asuma, that she had been the aggressor, and that she was only crying because she misses Raidou, but Yamato is tired of seeing her cry, and Asuma is a man. Asuma can deny it, but most men don’t spend time with women they don’t want something from, and Yuugao is a beautiful woman in a heartbreaking situation. Twenty-seven with a dead partner and two children, with one on the way. That isn’t including her time in Anbu or Hayate. She was vulnerable, and Asuma should have said no. Yuugao pointed out that Asuma was vulnerable too, because Kurenai has been so distant.

Yamato doesn’t give a shit about Asuma and his fucked-up relationship with Kurenai. He does care about the kids, how Mirai, Kari, Taro and a baby are all tangled up in this, and he very much cares about the fact that Asuma allowed Yuugao to betray herself. _I’m going to kill him_. Yamato will also settle for punching Asuma in the face.

His eyes narrow when he sees Asuma, Kurenai and Kakashi talking to their students. Hinata is holding Naruto’s hand, and Shikamaru has his hand behind his head. Yamato stomps over, ignoring Kakashi’s lazy wave and Naruto’s sunny “hi Captain Yamato!”

They all watch as Yamato walks towards them, jaw and fists clenched. He is looking right at Asuma, who, having not told anyone due to extreme guilt, knows what this is about. Kurenai looks at Asuma.

“What did you do to Yamato?” she asks. Asuma opens his mouth, but that’s when Yamato closes the distance between them and punches Asuma right in the face. Yamato shakes out his hand, looking intently at Asuma, ignoring Naruto, Kakashi and Shikamaru as they all step towards him, treating his anger as if it were chaotic rather than focused.

“What the hell,” Asuma stands up, touching his cheek. Kurenai looks up at it, frowning.

“Why did you punch Asuma?” she asks. Yamato looks at Asuma.

“Should I tell her, or would you like to?” he asks. Asuma makes a dumb expression.

“What is he talking about?” Kurenai asks, pulling her hand away from Asuma’s face and stepping back. Yamato laughs, meanly. Shikamaru goes to Asuma, in a sign of friendship. Kakashi steps towards Yamato, to keep him from taking another swing, not knowing that the next hit will be verbal.

“Asuma paid back the favor.” Yamato says, “I found her crying today, and she told me everything.” He withholds Yuugao’s name so that Shikamaru, Naruto and Hinata can’t say anything, but Kurenai and Kakashi immediately know who “she” is.

Kurenai looks up at Asuma, blinking. “You have no right to judge me anymore,” she says. She’s not happy, but she isn’t a hypocrite. Kurenai picks up her purse and walks away, deciding to let Asuma deal with his own bruised face. 

She takes Genma and Mirai out to the movies, and when they get home, Asuma is already in bed.

**

Yuugao sits at the table, drinking tea for the Hello Kitty mug Raidou used all the time. Asuma sits down in front of her. She is seven months pregnant, and Taro is now walking around, trailing after Kari. They watch the kids, before Yuugao starts talking.

“Taro has Raidou’s smile, his jaw.” She says, “Kari looks just like him, but he’s there in Taro.” Asuma nods, because while he can’t see it, he refuses to tell Yuugao that she is just looking for pieces of Raidou wherever she can.

“Have you thought about the sword?” he asks. Kokutō has been passed down three generations, typically to the eldest child. Raidou’s brother had bucked tradition and given it to Raidou, for protection. But it wasn’t there when it was needed. It never is, except in the case of Asuma.

“Kari is getting it,” Yuugao says, “Taro gets the rings, and the baby gets the chain. I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do with the car,” she says. It sits in the garage, gathering dust.

“You think Kari will be like Raidou?” he asks. Yuugao nods.

“She is going to be just like him,” she says quietly. “Maybe even stronger.” Kari is now four, and she asks about the baby all the time. _Do you think Daddy loves her?_ Yuugao always replies the same way: _he loves you all very much_.

“I’ll teach them,” Asuma says, “it won’t just be you and Yamato.” It was never going to be. Raidou would do the same for Mirai, and Kurenai and Genma aren’t going to stand by and leave the last Namiashis alone. Shikamaru needs a project, and nothing will be more entertaining than watching him trying to wrangle two kids under the age of ten. Yuugao smiles, resting her hand on her stomach.

“Thank you,” she says, “that means a lot.” Raidou respected them all. “Is anyone looking?” Yuugao asks; she failed with Hayate, but she would like it to be different with Raidou.

“Yes,” Asuma says, “we’ve found him.” Yuugao nods.

“Kokutō is in the closet in the front hallway. Take it with you and use the pointy end.”

“Got it,” Asuma says, standing up.

“Don’t miss or hesitate.” Yuugao says. “And…” she trails off, twisting her lips, “if it comes between revenge and getting everyone home, come home, please.” She says this softly. Asuma nods, before walking to the closet.

**

Kurenai sits across from Shin, her arms crossed. He suggested that they try solo sessions, since it is clear that Kurenai and Asuma are incapable of actually talking about their relationship. It’s painful, seeing how quickly things fell apart, watching Asuma do things like sleep with their dead friend’s widow to get her attention and for Kurenai to just look away. One thing he has noticed is that Kurenai and Asuma don’t know how to fight; they are both conflict-averse, and they both seem to think that having a verbal disagreement is the worst thing that could happen.

Asuma thinks she doesn’t care about him, but Shin doesn’t think it’s the case that she doesn’t care, so much as she is too busy with her own feelings to really notice anything else.

What Shin really wants is for her to talk about Raidou, and she won’t do that if Asuma is around. He sits and looks at her, his hands in his lap, waiting for her to speak.

“So,” he says, “are we going to talk about Raidou?”

“Why?” Kurenai asks softly.

“Because we’re getting nowhere when you don’t talk about him. I want to change direction,” Shin says, “you won’t be present in your relationship until you talk about what Raidou means to you.”

“Raidou is special,” she says defensively.” Shin nods.

“Tell me about him,” he says, “I promise, I won’t judge you.” Kurenai plays with a silver hoop in her ear.

“Promise?”

“Solemnly,” he replies. Kurenai bites her lip, trying to organize her thoughts. Raidou means a lot to her; she has known him since she was a baby. She knows almost everything about him. They listened to the same music, read the same books. He’s been inside of her in every way. He covered her ears when she couldn’t sleep, pressed his lips to her face when she was sad.

“I’ve known Raidou all my life,” she says. “He means a lot to me. I’ve never been in a world without him, until now.” Kurenai pauses, chewing the inside of her cheek. “I feel very lonely, without him,” she says quietly. “Our fathers were friends, and his brother took me in after our parents died. We would go up to a lake, in the summer, all of us, and he would catch toads and put them in my hands.”

“I had a nasty crush on him, for the longest time, but he’s four years older than I, so he never told looked at me until I was eighteen. He would hold onto my foot and cover my ears if I couldn’t sleep. I feel lost, for he meant a great deal to me, but there are no precise words for who he is, I suppose.”

“Maybe I’m going insane, because I swear, I can see him in the corner of my eyes, and I don’t feel like he is gone, not really. I feel it in my soul—he’s still around. I want him to move on and find peace, but I never want him to leave.” She looks down at her lap, her palms on her thighs as she sits up straight. “Shin, I am very angry with Asuma and Yuugao, because they kept Raidou and I apart, and… he’s gone, for the stupidest reason. They mixed up the scrolls, and he ended up on an Anbu mission that required a team. He died due to _clerical error_. He probably thinks it’s pretty funny, but I can’t even laugh with him. I just want him to come back.” Kurenai puts her head in her hands and presses her fingers into her eyes to help with the pounding in her head.

“You know,” Shin says, “it sounds like you really need to talk about him with someone who knew him too.”

“I could never say Raidou’s name again and it would be too soon for Asuma.” Kurenai replies.

“Well, why don’t you take to Yuugao?” Shin asks, “she loves him too. I think it would be really good for you to talk to her.”

“I don’t think she wants to hear his name in my mouth,” Kurenai says. Shin shrugs.

“I know if I lost my wife, I would want to talk to someone who loves her as much as I. Besides, you knew him all of his life. You have pieces of him she would cherish.” Shin reaches for his notepad, and jots a few things down, leaving Kurenai to consider this point.

**

Death doesn’t happen on purpose, in the sense that no one ever means to die. Hayate and Raidou both thought they would be coming home. Sadly, that’s not what happened.

Yuugao does her best to accept the things that she cannot change and are outside of her control. Most days, it works. But sometimes, it is very hard to do. Today has been an especially hard day. Kari refused to eat breakfast, and Taro woke up in a mood. They have taken her pregnancy in stride, but she suspects that the reality of another sibling is hitting the bigger she gets.

Kurenai sits across from Yuugao. She made cookies and brought them over with Mirai. She told Yuugao that she wants to talk. _God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference_. Yuugao read it in a book once, and she tucked it away for occasions like this. They haven’t spoken about Raidou or Asuma, not directly, and Yuugao prefers it that way. But some things cannot be helped

“Kari called me fat today,” Yuugao says. Kurenai smiles.

“Did she really?” she asks. It’s petty of her, but Kurenai never forgot the time that Genma told her that Yuugao is a hot pregnant person. It’s true. She carries pregnancy very well.

“Yes,” Yuugao replies, “I think she’s moodier, now that the baby is coming.” Kari never really recovered from Raidou’s death, and Yuugao can imagine that a new sibling mixed everything up even more.

“How is your pregnancy?” Kurenai asks. Yuugao sighs.

“You know, Kari and Taro were both perfect pregnancies. This baby, she moves all the time, and I still get nauseous,” Yuugao rubs her temples, “I have all these cravings, but I can’t figure them out.” She sighs, “I just…I really wish Raidou were here. It’s hard keeping on top of it all, without him around.”

“He was always very dependable.” Kurenai hums. “He enjoyed keeping a house, being a father. His dad was the same.”

“I wish I could’ve met his family,” Yuugao says, “they seemed like nice people.”

“The nicest,” Kurenai says, “they would have really liked you.” Yuugao smiles at her. It’s a meaningful compliment, coming from Kurenai.

“I’m honestly surprised that I ended up with him,” Yuugao says, “we got together in such a cringe-y, contrived way, and it was way too soon after Hayate. I thought he was going to be someone I slept with a few times and dump. But here we are.” She touches her stomach. “He was so perfect, I never really suspected that you two had cheated. I mean, I was always intimidated by you, because you were someone he spent so much of his life with, and I would be a liar if I said that I never thought he’d leave me for you.” Yuugao hunches over a bit, and her mouth twists. The mood in the room shifts, and Kurenai prepares herself for Yuugao’s tears. “Maybe if he had left me for you, he would still be here.” Yuugao folds her arms and blinks rapidly, trying not to cry. Kurenai opens her mouth to speak, when Kari comes up to them. Yuugao wipes her eyes and smiles at her daughter.

“Hi, Baby,” she says, “what’s up?”

“Mirai likes Taro better,” Kari frowns. Yuugao sighs.

“I’m sure that’s not the case,” she says, “Mirai likes you very much.” Kurenai nods.

“When she made you cookies, she never mentioned Taro,” Kurenai says. Kari smiles.

“Really?” she asks Kurenai, who nods.

“Yes, really,” Kurenai puts her hands to Kari’s cheek, and smiles when she sees Raidou’s face. “Kari, can I show your mom something about you?” Kari looks back at Yuugao, who nods.

Kurenai has Kari stand beside her, facing Yuugao. Kurenai pushes Kari’s bangs back, making her hairline visible.

“I don’t know if Raidou ever told you, but his brother had a widow’s peak just like Kari’s,” she says, “same shape and size.” She brushes Kari’s bangs back into place while Yuugao sucks on her lower lip. Kari scampers off, and Kurenai turns to Yuugao. “It’s not just Raidou who wishes he were here.”

Kurenai reaches into her tote bag and pulls out a photo album. She places it on the table between them and opens the cover. “You didn’t get enough time with Raidou, and I can’t make it better. But I can tell you everything I know about him.” Kurenai says softly, “this is a photo album from when I was a baby. Our fathers were friends, and there is a picture in here of Raidou when he was about Kari’s age,” she flips the pages, smiling when she finds it. “Here.” Kurenai pulls the picture out and hands it to Yuugao. “My mom made his birthday cake. He had a dinosaur phase, so it’s shaped like a triceratops.”

Yuugao holds up the picture, of a beaming Raidou. “He’s smiling,” she says quietly. Kurenai nods.

“He was a happy kid, in these photos,” she says, “Kari looks just like him, too.”

“She really does,” Yuugao says. She always knew, but it’s never been more evident than when she looks at baby Raidou.

“You should keep that photo,” Kurenai says, “I have lots at home.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Kurenai says, “is there anything more I can tell you about him?”

There are a lot of questions Yuugao has, but they all crowd her throat at once, and she bursts into tears. Kurenai stands up and gives her a real hug, the kind she usually saves for Mirai but decides to share with Yuugao, because it’s what Raidou would want.

**

Asuma decides to take Shikamaru with them, when they go to avenge Raidou. They need one impartial observer, and his specialty is not fucking up. Genma and Aoba haven’t said it, but they plan on committing murder and they don’t know if Shikamaru is up for it. Asuma eyes Shikamaru as they go over the strategy one more time. He has probably figured out why they are here, but this will be the first time Shikamaru will have been exposed to killing for the sake of it.

Shikamaru is their look out, and Aoba hangs back. When they see the man come into view, Genma and Asuma nod at each other.

The intelligence came out like this: Raidou had been ambushed and cornered and was impaled for it. Aoba and Ibiki captured everyone but the actual killer, who is a mercenary for hire with a bit of a sadistic streak who, according to all accounts, could have spared Raidou a brutal death but decided not to, just cause.

The detail that gets Asuma is that, not only did he take things Raidou could have used to signal for help, but he stayed and watched Raidou die. At any point, he could have taken him down and saved him, or at least put him out of his misery. It took a few hours, when it was all said and done.

The subject is in a clearing, and it has been months, so either he doesn’t know or care that there are people who very much cared for Raidou, who are coming after him. One person in custody said that the subject didn’t even know Raidou’s name. He referred to him as ‘that Leaf ninja.’ Asuma watched Genma’s mouth twitch when Aoba shared that detail and thought about how it felt to watch Kari realize that her father wouldn’t come back home. He wasn’t just a ninja. Raidou meant something to people. He was a _someone_.

Aoba releases his crows, who crowd the subject. Genma spits a senbon that lands in the eye. Asuma, with the black blade, comes up from below and doesn’t miss or hesitate. Yuugao would have finesse and Kurenai grace but Asuma has brute strength. He easily puts the sword through the subject’s guts, their faces almost touching.

The subject doesn’t say anything, but Asuma feels him tap the headplate. _You know why we’re here_. “He was a father,” Asuma says, pulling out the sword and aiming for the heart, where everyone else took the hit.

Asuma thinks about backing out and leaving the man to die, but then he remembers the noise Yuugao made when she found out Raidou’s manner of death, and he finds it very easy to end it all now.

  
**

When Kurenai was six years old, she once kneeled on the edge of a dock, her arms wrapped around her knees, as she leaned over to look into the water. Raidou, who had just turned ten, came up out of the water, and spat water onto her legs before taking hold of her arms and pulling her in. When the water stung the inside of her nose, Kurenai had screamed. Raidou immediately pulled her head out of the water and told her to keep her head up. She spat water into his eyes, and he scowled. Having heard and seen what had happened, Raidou’s dad had yelled at him. He held out his hand to help Kurenai out of the water, but she wrapped herself around Raidou and refused to let go. His dad shrugged and said that seemed like a fair punishment, which Raidou did not like. Nonetheless, he let her cling onto him, even hauling her out of the water with him.

She kneels over his grave like she did on the dock and wonders what she would do if Raidou pulled her into the ground with him. He would never do that, but she has thought about it.

Kurenai has avoided the grave since the funeral. But today, she woke up and bought some flowers, even though Raidou considered them wasteful, and came out here. It’s cold today, and she’s wearing an old, red coat that belonged to her mother.

“Hi,” she says, putting her hand over the gravestone. “I’m sorry that I haven’t visited. I just…I don’t know what to say. I still don’t have the words.” She sighs, “I told Yuugao about your brother’s widow’s peak, and we talked about you for hours. I’m going to start visiting her more often, help her with the kids. We all miss you very much.” Kurenai presses her lips to her palm, then presses her palm to the stone, right ever his name. She wore his favorite of her lipsticks, and she wonders if he knows, wherever he ended up. She stands up and walks home, smiling when she finds Mirai and Asuma in the living room.

**

When she was pregnant with Taro, Raidou made sure to take time off work to help her around the house, to manage Kari. They spent a lot of time together, as a family. Raidou was very into being a dad. Every picture Kari ever drew is in a folder on his desk. He would tell their daughter that she is his _eye_ , she is just that special. When Taro was smaller, Raidou would talk right into his tummy and pretend to gobble it up. He loved their children, very much.

She finds a lot of joy in motherhood, but being pregnant and alone was never the plan. She has a hand on her stomach, watching Kari wrap Taro up in a blanket. It pains her to watch her daughter try and step up for them. _You just turned four_. Yamato sits beside her, eyeing her stomach. He’s the only person who knows that she is having another girl.

“Do you ever worry about them becoming like…us?” Yamato asks. Yuugao eyes him.

“You mean their father.” It still hurts to say Raidou’s name. Yamato nods.

“Yeah,” he says, “their father.”

People are reluctant to talk about Raidou with her because they are afraid of hurting her, as if his death alone wasn’t devastating. She lives with the reality of it every day. She doesn’t understand why people think that talking about it is what hurts. If anything, it hurts more when people say nothing, because then, it feels like he doesn’t exist anymore.

“No,” she says, “I’m not scared. Kari is his daughter.” She’s going to be just like him. Himself had told her that the other day, when he dropped by. He is really, the only one who would know what Raidou was like when he was small.

“Kari has spunk.” Yamato replies. “And Taro?”

“He’s gentle, but he is my son.” Yuugao pats her stomach. “And this baby is both of us.” She can tell that this baby will actually look like both of them. “I am going to teach them everything I know, and then they can decide for themselves who they will become.”

“Even after Raidou?” Yamato asks. She nods her head.

“I won’t lie to them about who their parents are.” She stands up, frowning. Yuugao looks down at Yamato, a serious expression on her face. “Raidou was an assassin, I am in Anbu. I can’t judge them for how they live their lives. All I can do is teach them all I know so that they have enough knowledge to make informed decisions.”

“No doubt?”

“I will never doubt my children.” They are her and Raidou, but also, themselves. They are growing to become big and strong and they will never, ever end up like Raidou or Hayate. This is the belief that she holds onto, because it is what gets her out of bed in the morning.

_You will all live_.

**

Yuugao once told Raidou that she couldn’t wait for his babies to rip her open, that she would love them for it. He always expressed unease. _I hope they don’t do that_. Kari and Taro had been easy pregnancies, and relatively easy labors. No tearing or stitches. His babies had left her intact.

But this pregnancy, this labor, this baby _hurt_. Heartburn, nausea, insomnia, relentless cravings for things she can’t even name. Her daughter kicked her up inside. When she woke up in labor, her parents were out of town and Yamato was on a mission. She called Genma, who used a time-space jutsu to appear in the living room. He watched her point to all the food and the kids’ schedules. _Do you need someone to take you to the hospital?_ Yuugao shook her head. She’s Anbu. She found Hayate’s dead body and has lost not one, but two loves. She knows that both Hayate and Raidou could have been saved, if someone had found them in time. She knows that they died in unfathomable pain. Childbirth is nothing.

But this one is different.

For starters, she actually screams. Like, sit up and grab the sides of the bed and make a noise she’s never heard before. She would know; she’s in Anbu. Shizune looked up at her and asked if she should call someone, but Yuugao, in hysterics, shook her head. She wants to quit, but she’s already here. There is no turning back. Birth, like death, is irreversible, and she’ll be damned if any living piece of Raidou comes to harm.

The baby gets stuck. Hours go by, and she doesn’t move. Shizune is about to bring in a pair of forceps, when Yuugao panics and sends a quick prayer to Raidou and Hayate (although, what could either of them do but watch?) With one final, big _in-out_ , Yuugao pushes hard and feels her body give. There is an audible rip as her body comes apart. She screams so loud that she puts all the women in the room off of childbirth. Shizune catches the baby and another doctor immediately rushes forward. They are trying to stop the bleeding between her legs, but she isn’t cooperating.

“Why isn’t she crying?” Yuugao asks, refusing to lie down and be treated. Her baby is quiet, and it upsets her.

“You need to lie down,” a nurse says, “your baby is being taken care of.” Shizune stands in the corner, and Yuugao can’t even feel herself being stitched back together. Her baby finally cries out, and she lies back on the bed, limp.

She is in an incredible amount of pain. But it doesn’t matter when her daughter is placed in her arms for the first time. She’s red and squished looking, but she’s alive. Yuugao looks down at her and thinks about how this is the first and only time that she’s done this without Raidou. He’s not going to walk into the room and hold their baby or ask Yuugao how she’s feeling. The baby starts crying, and Yuugao does her best not to join her.

A soft _tap-tap_ comes from behind the door, and when she says come in, it’s Asuma standing there. He looks awkward. “Kurenai and Mirai are with the kids and Genma.” Yuugao nods.

“I’m sure Kari and Mirai are having fun.” She says, wincing when she tries to move. Asuma walks over to the bed, hands in his pockets.

“I won’t lie, you look pretty beat,” he says.

“She ripped me open,” Yuugao says, without embarrassment. “That didn’t happen with the others.” Asuma’s face twitches. He doesn’t like to think about what being torn up from the inside must feel like.

He came here because he realized that Yuugao was doing this all alone. _Raidou wouldn’t want that for you_. He sat in the waiting room for hours, only leaving to bum a cigarette from Shikamaru. He wasn’t this anxious with Mirai, for it was a given that she and Kurenai would be alright. But what everyone has learned from Raidou’s death, is that no one is safe. No one else can face his baby. It was hard at the funeral, when Kari and Taro threw their joint tantrum and Yuugao bent over and sobbed over the headstone. Kurenai and Genma love Raidou deeply, but they both find it hard to look at his children, for they are so much like him. Aoba and Anko belong in a cage, Ibiki, Guy and Kakashi have no interest in babies, and Owl and Himself still haven’t forgiven themselves for not getting there in time.

Asuma doesn’t pity Yuugao or any of her children, because they have more dignity than that. Yuugao looks up at him. “Would you like to hold her?” she asks in a small voice. Asuma smiles, and when he leans forward, she smells cigarette smoke. He smokes when he’s anxious. He lifts her up into his arms, cradling her little head in the palm of his hand.

“I forget how tiny and ugly they are,” he says.

“We were all someone’s tiny, ugly baby,” Yuugao says. Asuma smiles at the baby in his arms.

“I am convinced your dad came out of the womb a shriveled old man,” he says. She opens her eyes and looks at him like he is a nuisance. He smiles, because it’s a very Raidou expression.

“Raidou was never shriveled,” she says, lying back. Asuma sits down in a chair beside the bed.

“We will never know, I guess.” The entire Namiashi family is gone. It’s just Yuugao and her children.

“She’s never going to know him, and Taro and Kari are going to forget what it was like to be with him.” Her face scrunches up, and she turns away. Asuma stabbed the motherfucker who took Raidou away twice, but most days, it doesn’t feel like enough.

“He loves her a lot.” Asuma says. Yuugao tears up.

“I know,” she says, “I just want to know where he ended up.” Kari has accepted that her father isn’t coming back, but Yuugao doesn’t think she yet understands that he’s dead. Taro is clueless. She has pictures of them all together, but it doesn’t mean much. Raidou will just be a shadow at the edge of a forgotten memory.

“I do too,” Asuma replies, placing his finger on the cheek of the baby. He and Raidou weren’t close, not like Genma and Kurenai, but he would give an awful lot to see him again. He can’t imagine what Yuugao would give.

“Do you think he’s okay, where he is?” she asks in a small voice. Hayate was the kind of person who could make the best of an awful situation, but Raidou is prone to melancholy. He wouldn’t adjust well to the afterlife.

“I think he cares more about you and the kids,” Asuma says. The baby is snoozing, since ripping her mother apart was hard work. “And Genma and Kurenai.”

“He loved you all,” she says softly, “it wasn’t just me and the kids and Genma. He really regretted not making an effort to be Kurenai’s friend. He missed her.” Yuugao turns to look at Asuma. “I really regret not letting him be her friend.” Kurenai doesn’t come out and say that she’s devastated, but Asuma can just tell. “If I knew…if I knew that he wouldn’t be here for long, I would have done a lot of things differently.” It pains Yuugao to know that Raidou died with regrets that she could have prevented.

“Kurenai and Raidou always had an understanding,” Asuma says, “she told me that sometimes she thinks she can see him from the corner of her eye. Like he isn’t really gone at all.” Yuugao cries a little, and Asuma’s eyes sting.

“Sometimes, I pretend that he is here. I hope he is still here. Is that selfish?” she asks. Asuma looks down at the little baby in his arms.

“No,” he says quietly. “He was never good at resting.” Yuugao smiles through her tears, wiping them away. She makes an ugly sniffling noise, and Asuma rubs his thumb across the baby’s forehead.

“Does she have a name?” he asks.

“The last Namiashi to ever come out of me,” she deadpans. Asuma snorts.

“That’s pretty long.” He replies. Yuugao tilts her head, sighing.

“It’s so cheesy,” she says, “Raidou would probably laugh at me.”

“He would never,” Asuma says, “not over something like this.”

“I wanted something optimistic,” she says, “I flipped through the name book for hours with Kari, trying different ones out.” The one rule was that there had to be an easy nickname, for Taro, who still trips up on longer names. “Only Kari and Taro know.”

“Tell me,” he says. Yuugao rolls onto her side, leaning over, despite the pain, and places a hand on her daughter’s tummy.

“Nozomi.”

“Hope.” Asuma’s eyes crinkle. Yuugao smiles.

“Mimi, Meems for short.” She says, “Kari and Taro started just calling her Mimi a few months ago.”

“Mimi,” Asuma says. He looks down at the pink baby, who opens her eyes to look at him. “Hi, Mimi.”

**

Asuma watches Kurenai cut up a cucumber, and he thinks about his visit to the hospital. Mimi is cute, and he often wonders if he and Kurenai jumped the gun when they decided to stop with Mirai.

“Did you ever want another baby?” he asks, out of nowhere. Kurenai turns to look at him. She doesn’t say anything, not immediately.

“Sometimes,” she says, “but our family feels complete.” She smiles, “do you have baby fever?” Asuma sighs.

“Raidou and Yuugao made some cute babies.” He admits.

“Ours is cuter,” Kurenai jokes, “it’s not even a contest.” Mirai is playing in the other room, talking to Genma while he helps her put together her dollhouse. He and Aoba made her one, and she can’t stop arranging the furniture.

Asuma has been thinking about his conversation with Yuugao. He can’t bring Raidou back, but he can give Kurenai the forgiveness he has been withholding for four years.

“Yuugao and I spoke about Raidou,” he says, “about how…silly everything seems, now that he’s dead.”

“Silly?” Kurenai asks.

“It was silly, not telling him that I forgave him. Yuugao and I agree that it seems stupid, keeping you two apart for all this time. We feel bad.” Kurenai blinks at Asuma, biting her lower lip. She doesn’t know how to have this conversation, because she never thought it would happen.

“Raidou and I always knew where we stood with each other,” she says, “and we chose you and Yuugao, knowing how it would change our relationship.”

“I forgive you,” he says, “I forgive you and Raidou, and I wish I could go back and make things different.” Kurenai shakes her head, looking away.

“Things are how they are.”

“Kurenai,” Asuma sighs, “I never wanted things to turn out this way.”

“You didn’t cause any of this. You didn’t murder Raidou.” Kurenai sets the knife down and looks up at him. “None of this is your fault. Don’t act like Raidou and take the blame for everything because you’re too afraid to talk to me.” She chews the lining of her cheek. “Don’t shut me out, please.” There is nothing Asuma craves more than to know that she wants him to let her in; that his inner world still matters to her.

Kurenai walks up to him, and hugs Asuma. He presses his face into her neck, and says nothing, but she feels him shake as he wraps his arms around her. She presses the side of her head against his.

“I know,” she says, “I know.” It’s been a while, but it feels like they are on the same team again.

**

Kari, who is now almost five, stands beside Yuugao on the couch, playing with her hair. Yamato is fiddling with the camera, standing in front of them. Taro leans against Yuugao, looking at Mimi, who is sucking on her fist. Yuugao turns her head to look at Kari, who rests her head on her shoulder.

“You ready to have your picture taken?” she asks. Kari frowns.

“No,” she says quietly, “we already have a family picture.”

“We don’t have one with Mimi,” Yuugao says. The last one they took, when Raidou was alive, had been before Yuugao knew she was pregnant. Mimi had been a collection of cells.

“But this one won’t have Daddy,” Kari twirls a lock of Yuugao’s hair around her finger. Taro stands up on Yuugao’s other side, gripping onto her arm.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,” Taro says. Kari narrows her eyes at him. She hates when he copies her.

“You’re so loud,” she says. Taro grins wide, because he knows he has won when she scowls at him. Yuugao sighs.

“I just want a nice picture with all of us,” she says. Mimi coos and reaches for Taro, who smiles at her, reaching down for her chubby little hand.

“We should get rid of them,” Kari says. Yuugao rolls her eyes, as Yamato waves his hand.

“We’re ready!” He says, holding the camera up to his face. Yuugao holds up Mimi so she can look at the camera, and Taro sits down beside her, grinning.

“Kari,” Yamato says, “stop frowning.”

“No,” she says, “I don’t want to smile.” Yuugao sighs.

“Well, just take the picture, Yamato,” she says, rubbing Mimi’s tummy. A part of her will be happy that Raidou, in his absence, will be there in Kari’s face. The last time they tried to do this, he and Kari encouraged each other to frown. Taro, her perfect boy, grins, and Mimi giggles at her spit bubbles. Yuugao smiles softly.

When Yamato counts down to one, Kari grins in a way that is entirely her own, but Raidou is there in the upturned corners of her lips. They do, after all, have the same face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over, it's killed dead. This story is kind of a bummer, but there is hope at the end. I could see myself revisiting this universe with Raidou alive instead of dead. I want him and Asuma to be dads together. 
> 
> One of the reasons Asuma and Yuugao never found out is because it would have completely changed the story, and it wouldn't have been a Kurenai/Raidou story anymore. 
> 
> I wrote this as a gift, which, well, maybe won't be appreciated, but oh well. Happy holidays, and thank you for reading Storms! This word baby means a lot, and it's been rewarding and humbling to see these characters mean something to other people. Stay safe out there!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is maybe my dumbest word baby yet. It is going to be long, and it is basically about Raidou and Kurenai figuring it out. 
> 
> Genma referenced Shakespeare's Othello and Kurenai and Raidou listen to Joy Division.
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment, and I am sorry if there are mistakes- I promise, they get under my skin too.


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